Signs of Me Reappearing

I burst out of bed today wanting to write a blog post.  It’s been a long time since I’ve had that feeling and it feels like such a relief.  A relief because writing is an integral part of who I am and so if I’m not wanting to write, then I most likely am not doing too terrific, you know?  Not that I’m likely to admit that I’m not doing well, but it seems okay to retroactively admit to it.

Wanting to write, however, doesn’t necessarily mean that I have a topic in mind.  I’m out of practice of forming topics in my head that would work in a blog post, so I’m free-styling it here.  There are so many ideas and topics to choose from.  Do I write about personal feelings I’m going through?  Politics? (I hear a collective roar of “No!” coming from the ethers.)  The weather?  Astrology? What it’s like being married to a Dutch man and living in another country?  My 2 cats and their endless antics?  The chaos and madness engulfing the planet?  Spiders and how they’re misunderstood?

Really, I’m just wanting to write something from my heart.  (Did I just hear someone rolling their eyes at me?)  Which may seem like that would mean writing something sappy and emotional, but then you don’t know my heart.  There is something of a court jester in there.  Mischievousness written all over it.

I’ve been pretty serious (and MIA) the last couple of years, and understandably if you know all that’s gone on.  But I’ve recently been seeing signs of recovery and healing taking place in me.  Like learning how to laugh again.  Being able to think of my son without pain crashing in on me.  Remembering myself when I was whole and becoming that again.

Some things take time, like healing.  Which I have no patience for.  I mean, I’ve learned to try to be patient with it, but the whole time I’m pretty much looking at my (non-existent) watch and tapping my foot.  I want to be fine now.  You know, live in the moment, the only moment is now.  So I’m like, okay, I’m healed NOW.  (Looking around to see if it worked.)

The crazy thing, is that I know that that could actually work, but it would require that I felt and believed that to be true all of the way down to my bones.  Which I don’t, because I’ve been here long enough to have accumulated enough examples from experience that have shown me otherwise in which I use that ‘evidence’ to allow doubt into the process, slowing it down.  My healing process involves slowing down enough to understand what my doubts and fears are, and then seeing them with new eyes.  Are they really true?  Like big picture, let’s be straight with ourselves, true?  I then ease my way into the new perspective until *pop*, there I am with more room to breathe inside myself.

For example, I’ve had many experiences with individuals who have aimed their own personal fears and projections onto me, so much so that over time I came to feel and believe that I was not loved or liked.  When that is your environment’s response to you day in and day out, you can start to become confused about what is true or not true about you.  Was I doing anything I was doing for the reasons that those other people in my life thought I was?  No.  Did they bother to ask me or find out?  No.  Did they continue to declare their ideas and reasons for my behavior with the fervor of a southern baptist preacher to me and all who would listen?  Yes.

In that kind of environment, I’m not getting any feedback from the outer world that I am loved or of any value.  I do not get to have a say or voice in that situation.  Me and my side of the story have been effectively silenced.  The truth of me gets lost because I’m the only one who knows it and who is trying to keep it alive in myself while others treat me as if their own story or other’s of me is true.  This is not loving or supportive behavior.

By the way, this isn’t about judging or blaming them, or me being a victim.  My only interest lies in understanding what happened so that I can free myself from it.  I’m observing and taking notes of what I’ve been able to piece together so that I can understand where my own pain stems from so that I can help myself.  It just happens to involve other people and so it’s hard to omit them from the story.

So as I was saying, over time I came to feel and believe that I was not loved or wanted in the world by others because that’s what was reflected to me.  Saying that and how that feels are actually two different things.  How it feels in day to day life is like I’m a constant disappointment.  That no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I overcome, I will still not be liked or loved or seen or valued.  It feels like I have nothing to offer the world.  It feels like I have no place here.  Like I’ve come to a party that I wasn’t invited to.  Like nothing I do matters or makes a difference.  That there is no point to me or my existence.

Which leads me back to my healing process and this example.  What’s the truth of that pain in me, big picture, let’s be honest?  “I am not loved or liked.”  Is that really true?  Well, I mean, the hurt part of me wants to say yes, yes that is true.  It’s so sad. (blubbering madly into my handful of Kleenex)  But is it actually true?  Okay, it’s true in that those people that treated me that way were not coming from a loving place.  But does that really have anything to do with me?  Or is that more to do with the state of torture they are living with inside of themselves?

It isn’t really me that they are seeing.  So if it isn’t the truth of me that they are seeing, then my belief of not being loved or liked is back on the table for negotiation.  Also, I think I may need to find some people who are not lost in the sauce in their own pain.  Which is what I did and is when I started to get validation that my hypothesis (that maybe it *is* them and not me) might have some merit.  Getting some distance between me and those blind to anyone but themselves, and then seeing the contrast of how it feels to be around people who can see past themselves, was the difference of night and day.

But it is a weakness in me.  When things become challenging in my life, I have to really watch this part of myself.  It’s something that is too easy for me to believe.  I have had to learn and relearn over and over, what it feels like to be loved.  I don’t mean in my thoughts, I mean in my whole body.  Because being loved is something that is felt from the top of your head down to your toenails.  It warms, relaxes, and calms you.  It is a full state of being, not a mental construct.  It is something experienced within your being.

I feel like there is a general consensus that if you are a good person then you are a loving person.  We lean too much on looking like a good person regardless of how we feel inside.  We don’t want to be unloving or bad people.  But I’ve personally met a lot of good people who were not loving and a lot of bad people who were in fact loving.  Understanding the difference is critical for me to make better choices about who I let into my inner circle, and doing this is important for my healing.

Along with this I’ve had to learn about all kinds of other things such as boundaries and what my rights are as a person.  That I don’t have to be walked all over.  I can use words like “no” and “I don’t want to”.  I’ve even had to learn how to feel my own feelings again versus what I had been told my feelings were.  And that just because everyone else is going along with something, doesn’t mean it’s right, and in those situations I will stick with my feeling even if it means standing alone.  Listening to myself even when no one else will.  <– And that, was the beginning of me building self trust.

I began to provide and give to myself what others had not been able to.  I started to listen and trust myself more, even if it seemed to make my life harder.  The more I did this, the more I stayed true to that voice deep inside my core, the stronger I began to feel.  The stronger I felt, the clearer my life became.  The more aware I became of what was and was not okay in my life.  Which led to me making changes.  Ultimately walking away from everything I had once known.  I became more focused on what was actually good for me instead of wondering what others might think of my actions.  They were going to think whatever they wanted to anyways, but the difference being, I stopped trying to control that by limiting my own actions.

Allowing for that, made room for me to focus more on what I personally felt about myself.  Did I think I was evil manifested?  Does it matter?  If I was, then really, what could I do about it?  And way to paint the world white and black, as if it’s really that simple.  Way to dehumanize me and invalidate me as a complex person with many different faucets of my personality.  No, I don’t feel that I am evil incarnated.  So what does that mean?  Well . . . it probably means that I can start lightening up a little, ya know?  Be a little gentler and kinder to myself then I had been treated by others.

Which lead me to finding love within myself again.  And when you’re not cowered or hunkered down in trembling fear, it opens up your world again and memories begin to return.  Things like the memory of the truth of yourself.  It begins a spiraling up in self instead of spiraling down.  Feelings like relief of being able to let go of all of the dumb dumb things about yourself that you had come to believe, watching as they break and fall away from you.  It is simply liberating.

By the way, I’m like smooshing years of processing and trial and error into one post.  It may sound like I figured it out in a matter of hours, but I assure you this has been a monumental undertaking in my life.  In the moments that I’ve hit the sweet spot of balanced and healed in myself, there comes the realization that I could have gone into that place immediately if I hadn’t got hung up or identified too much with what was wrong or out of balance in me.  That if I were to fully believe in the real me inside, that it would have brought me straight there to that place of wholeness, which suits me and my patience levels just fine.

The problem is, when I’m not in that space, I forget.  I can’t remember how or why that is true.  So I go the longer healing route and then remember again.  I get knocked out of there and then walk there again, but then I begin to see that I’ve left myself bread crumbs to show me the way back.  Again and again I’ve walked this path, hoping to wear a groove into the road to make it easier to find.  Because I know one day, I’m going to go there, and I’m not going to come back.

Anyways, I was walking that road again the last couple of years, marking it even more fiercely than the last time I was there.  Like, m*therf@cker, I am NOT going through this again, you WILL remember this and not forget again!  (She said to herself oh so compassionately.)  I hate seeing the same tree trunk that I passed years ago.

So yeah.  Yay! for the ‘wanting to write a blog post’ marker I reached this morning.  I don’t remember what comes after this, but I do know that it’s the road I’m wanting to be on.  🙂

The Magical Place Called Healed: A Tale of the Journey to the Land of True and Lasting Joy and the Treacherous Path That Leads The Way


True healing takes discipline.  It takes dedication, sincerity, and courage.  Strength.  Similar to exercise, you only get out of it what you put into it.

I am referring to mental, emotional, psychological healing, although I imagine that extreme physical rehabilitation, such as learning how to walk again, is a very similar journey.

From my teens into my late twenties I struggled with severe depression and anxiety.  I also had Complex PTSD (C-PTSD), which is not an official recognized mental disorder according to the American Psychiatric Association, but I feel that is to do with technicalities in definition and nothing to do with whether it exists or not.  As I tried to figure out what was wrong with me that made it nearly impossible to function as a contributing member of society, I also ran into suggestions from specialists of being on the autistic spectrum, being a highly sensitive person, potentially bi-polar, and I was officially diagnosed with ADD.

I had my first nervous breakdown at 19.  I was already a divorced single mom.  My son’s dad (ex-husband) was already gone by then, and never did return despite the joint-custody agreement, and so in my mind I didn’t have the luxury of falling apart.  My son was still just a baby and needed me.  I truly believe that I still exist in this world today due to him, because he gave me a solid reason to not give up.  Through the years, no matter how shattered I was in pain, no matter how desperate my situation . . . and there were many of those . . . never did I reach a state where I could abandon my son to this world and leave him alone.

But I lived in hell within myself.  Daily I was tortured.  There were years where I was just trying to survive from minute to minute.  Breathe Jenn . . . take another breath.  Now do it again.  Again.

In my late twenties, as I hit my Saturn Return, it felt like my entire physical, mental, & emotional being hit a brick wall (which is very Capricorn/Saturn-like).  It was triggered when my son, who was just turning 12 at the time, spent a week in the hospital for suicide watch.  (I also had Pluto transiting my MC/Midheaven.)

I had only thought I suffered before that.  What followed next had me begging for the days I knew before.

I had thought that I had worked hard enough, suffered, and sacrificed myself enough, to spare my son the same pain that I lived in.  But I was given a wake up call and shown just how very wrong I was as I sat there in shock signing papers to admit him into the hospital.  Everything I thought I knew and understood about life got flipped upside down that night.

I had barely been making it, but as long as my son was doing well and thriving, I could handle it.  But he wasn’t doing so well, was he?  Now what?  I had no guidance or manual for what to do.  I had done everything I knew to get this far . . . where did I go from there?

We had just gotten new kittens the week before . . . Raven and Gir.  They were from a shelter and they were both temporarily on antibiotics that I had to give.  I remember when first returning home after they admitted my son, trying to pull myself together enough to make sure the kittens got their medicine.  I couldn’t handle anymore bad news, anymore feelings of loss, or being out of control and so it felt like at least with this I had control of something.

So I put into them, focused on them the care and love and kindness I was needing myself.  They became my focal point, my anchor, to keep my shit together while I tried to make sense of my newly shattered world.  To those of you who are regular readers, you’ll remember that it was this time last year almost to the day . . . that I got that fateful call from the vet to hear that my Raven girl was in stage 4 renal (kidney) failure and died shortly afterwards on May 5th.  Cinco de Mayo.  Perhaps it makes a little more sense now why that was so devastating to me.  She came into my life the week before everything I knew fell to pieces and was the glue that held me together through the next 7 years.

But what she did was start the process of removing that same focus from my son, and helped me transition from using him as an anchor and reason for living . . . to finding that anchor and reason for living within myself so that my son would be free to go live his own life without me falling apart or losing my reason to live.  This last year since her death is the first year without my training wheels.  My first year of trying to live for my own sake and not the sake of my mother, or my son, or any substitute outside of me  And it’s been hard.

That first night that I came home after admitting my son into the hospital for the first time, I remember being in a daze.  I also remember calling my consciousness to me so that I didn’t black out.  I had already gone through so much discipline trying to pull myself together to be the best mom I could despite being so broken inside.  I had already learned to not run from the pain, to not run from whatever situation was unfolding in front of me.  I had enough faith in myself and the universe to know that this was all happening for a good reason, even if I didn’t understand what that reason was.  I knew instinctively that this was a blessing in disguise, and so I took a deep breath and with eyes wide open . . . I walked straight into my pain to see what message waited for me there.

And as I said, it was like walking into a brick wall.  In a flash I saw visuals of images from throughout my life, I heard all of the things said in my childhood that never quite made any sense, I felt the repressed and suppressed (one is done consciously, one is not) feelings and emotions that had led me to that moment right there.  I was in a flurry of scenes, sounds, and feelings and all of the connections between them that summed up the root causes of my pain and suffering.  Including a therapist who my mom had taken me to when I was 8 years old and was so frustrated with me because I refused to cooperate and take his questions seriously (I honestly had no idea what he was trying to get me to talk about), told me that if I didn’t deal with the things I had been through then one day when I was about 30 it was all going to come out at once and I’d have to deal with it then.  Which I thought, and may have even said, that’s good . . . I’ll deal with it then.

So there I was, around age 30, and all of this stuff suddenly unlocked in me.  I then knew why it had to be like that, why it had to wait until I was older.  All of these things were too much for a young girl to handle and process.  They were beyond little girl me.  I had to build enough life experience, as well as build enough emotional strength and discipline just to reach the point of being able to handle knowing and remembering what little girl me went through.

Only then could the real healing process begin.  I cracked wide open.  I went through the “My whole life has been a lie” period where the very foundation of your life gets ripped from underneath you and you don’t have anything solid to anchor or orient your life to.  And it’s not that my life had been a lie necessarily, but little girl me was incredibly creative and resourceful and so she painted my life in the way that she needed to in order to survive until she was strong enough to face it and heal from it.

The next couple of years were the hardest of my life.  It felt like I had acid burning and running through my veins 24/7.  I felt like someone had peeled my skin off of my body and my nerves were completely exposed to the elements.  I was in overwhelming, excruciating physical pain.  The diagnosis being batted around at that time were things like Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.  I reached a point of not being able to walk.  I had to use a cane for a little while.  Mentally I was pushed into moments of true insanity from the toll of everything.

I used to be concerned with my sensitivities, such as seeing visuals and hearing things, etc. that I might be crazy.  But I am VERY clear now that there is a big difference between true insanity and being sensitive (or psychic if you wish), although there is a thin line between the two if you are not on top of your shit.  I cannot emphasize enough how foolish it is to try and force that state for recreational purposes without some sort of discipline, or training, guidance, and a healthy dose of respect for what you are doing.  I never needed drugs to have those experiences, and during the periods where I temporarily lost those abilities, I can understand why people do use drugs to reach it . . . there’s a kind of desperate feeling of being disconnected from Sprit.  It’s horrible.  In my current understanding of things, it is the root cause of all addictions.  Trying to regain connection with Spirit.  Whether drugs, sex, alcohol, etc.  It temporarily opens you back up in your body and allows that connection to take place, and it feels so good because that is more of our natural state.

When you become overwhelmed with hurt and pain (guilt, shame . . . choose your poison), that connection starts to dim and gets covered up and you start to never feel good.  So then you start to use artificial things to try and help you feel good such as food, shopping, reading, partying, drinking, etc.  But it never sticks . . . it never stays.  Why?  Because you’re trying to shortcut straight through your pain and hurt without actually dealing with the issues.  Which brings me back to:  True healing takes discipline.  It takes dedication, sincerity, and courage.

Do you want to continue depending solely on temporary fixes for fleeting moments of feeling good, or are you willing to put in the hard work and dedication needed to make the feeling permanent and long lasting?  Because I’m here to tell you, I don’t care what label or diagnoses has been laid at your feet, I don’t care how bleak or hopeless you think your cause is . . . it can be overcome.  I have overcome many supposedly impossible things.  I have personally walked this road.  There is a way through.  You are not doomed to your diagnosis.  You are not doomed to suffer the rest of your life.  You have a choice.  It’s not easy, and not everyone is at a stage in their life where they have the strength to take this journey.  But knowing the universe like I do based on observations and personal experience, if you’ve found your way into my life . . . to my words . . . then you are at that stage.  You have what it takes to find your way through.

In every generation, there are the pioneers and those that lead the way to something new.  Like the pioneers who went west in the early US.  Their life was hard.  Many died trying to make the journey.  They suffered and paid a great price just for the opportunity for a better life.  With those first few, came a few more.  Then railroads, roadways, airplanes.  Now how hard is it to reach the West?  How much does a person have to sacrifice and suffer to access it?

This is the same.  It is the unknown, and so it seems dark and scary.  We make a bigger monster out of it as a whole, because it scares us.  What current average person isn’t scared of a Psycho or Socio Path?  Who doesn’t cringe and start backing away slowly from Schizophrenia and Bi-Polar?  Who doesn’t look at Autism as being a shame and in some form tragic?  How many look down upon addicts or mental patients?  Do you see our learned attitude about these things?  Yes psychology has made great leaps in mental/emotional health, but it is still not being seen for what it truly is and so the solution is equally difficult to see.

We hurt and we suffer because something is out of balance or not right.  When it’s something that is out of balance or not right in the culture or society as a whole, it emerges as mental disorders and diseases.  If it is increasing each year, a false belief or something not aligned with natural law, is spreading or worsening.  And for as long as the group insists on running from the truth instead of actually dealing with the things they should be dealing with in the way they should be dealing with it, openly and honestly, instead of being distracted by nonsense and bullshit . . . it will continue to worsen before it gets better.

It worsens and spreads until there isn’t a single person that isn’t affected by it in some way.  Until people can no longer say, “Everything is fine.”  Until people are suffering from it so much, and after trying everything they can currently think of that is allowed within the current paradigm of thinking, it eventually leads them to a place where they’d do anything in order to make it alright again.  Including praying, maybe for the first time in their life.  Swallowing their pride.  Being humbled.  Realizing maybe they don’t know everything, maybe they don’t have as much control over things as they thought.  In those moments a person either opens their heart or they snap completely.  Have you noticed the increase in people losing their shit in recent years?  We are at that breaking point both as a collective and as individuals.

We are in uncharted territories.  We cannot currently rely on outer authority to help truly navigate these waters because the authorities aren’t *out there* yet . . . they are just now coming into being.  They are being shaped, formed, and refined as we speak, by the very horrors our world is being forced to live through.  These are not individual sins we are dealing with, they are collective sins.  Things that over generations of time, individuals let get so out of hand instead of dealing with them, that they are now all of our problems.  But at the same time it’s all we’ve ever known and so we’re blind to them.

We are the modern day pioneers, and our unknown territory is the human psyche.  To be a true pioneer, you must have a warrior heart.  You must find the strength and courage to walk alone.  You must be an adventurer, you must be curious.  You must be sincere.  You must do it for something bigger than you.  It can’t just be for you alone, or you won’t find the needed strength and motivation to get through the darkest nights.  You have to take calculated risks and chances.  You have to be willing to keep going and trying no matter how many of your ideas fail or don’t work out.  You have to risk looking a fool and being made fun of.

You have to be willing to let yourself crack open and fall apart.  You have to be willing to let go of everything you believed to be true up until that point.  And not in an endless mindless woe is me way, but consciously.  What do I mean by that?

Imagine you have before you a path of burning coals, and you just happened to be barefoot.  The bed of coals before you is only about 10 feet in length.  It’s too far for you to jump, and suddenly there’s a wall behind you and two walls alongside you and the path.  You must walk barefoot over the path.  This is very much what it’s like when having to face down one of your inner demons which are like the gatekeepers that test you to see if you’re allowed to pass through or if you need to repeat some lessons.  Your choices are to stand there for eternity making the same mistakes, or start learning how to walk on fire and burn the darkness out of you that clouds and weighs you down with burden.  When I say consciously, I mean you purposefully and intentionally step onto those burning coals and you let whatever sensation you feel, come through you without trying to fight it or make it stop.  Let it happen.

You do not close your eyes, you do not try to pretend you are somewhere else, you do not run.  It is a decision, a resolve deep inside that you will do whatever it takes to make your way through.  And as you take each step, and you initially feel that excruciating burn, you use the only resource you have at your disposal and that is your internal guidance.  You must stay aware and breathing and open in order to know what needs to be done.  If you panic, if you let yourself freak out about your situation in any way, you make it that much worse for yourself.  That much more painful.  You have to walk the coals anyways, so you might as well figure out a way to endure it.

Because something happens in a human when they are tested to this degree and they are not so rigid that they break.  A transformation takes place.  Blocks, things that are stuck, worn out beliefs, things that are not true . . . are forced from the person’s being.  In that situation, you have no room or time for ANY bullshit because you need everything you have to focus on what’s happening in that moment.  When you refuse to run and you refuse to black out or lose consciousness or awareness, you give the darkness no choice but to flee because that’s where the burning and pain comes from.  It forces it to leave, and then you are left with only what is real and pure . . . You.  And I promise you, when the last of what isn’t true leaves you, the pain and suffering within you will cease.  You will have learned the firewalker’s secret for walking over burning coals without being harmed.

It can happen quickly, within moments.  It could happen slowly over years.  It depends on a number of things, but mostly on how resistant you are to let go of what you think you know and what you believe to be true that isn’t actually true.  How stubborn, how prideful are you?  How open are you to learning?  How much does it mean to you that what you believe is right be right?  And suffering for years walking over the burning coals does not earn you extra brownie points.  It should not be considered a badge of honor.  “Yeah, I’ve suffered 20 years longer than you, so I am probably wiser than you about these things.”  Uh.  No.  That’s not how it works.  If you haven’t started to find your way out, if you haven’t continued to get closer to that state of peace and happiness in you for longer periods of time through (what seems like) superhero efforts, then you’re doing something greatly in error and you’re the last person I or anyone should be taking advice from unless we wish to learn how to be perpetually stuck.  It’s not something to be ashamed of either, because this is a fluffing hard ass path to take . . . but it takes more than just walking it to truly understand where you are and what’s going on.

To get more out of this path, you have to walk slowly, purposefully, and consciously.  The point is not to simply get past it and then recover, because it is not the only fire pit that you will be facing on this journey.  And it’s also not the point of the fire pits.  When you’ve truly learned through personal experience the point of them, and you put in the hard work it takes to slowly, consciously, and open-heartedly walk across them to the point that you not only stop fearing them, but look forward to them . . . then you will have begun to reach the place I call Healed.  Being whole within yourself.

It is a state of grace.  It is when a human is re-centered properly in themselves and they are able to hold open and stay in connection with their Spirit, Soul, as well as the Divine . . . at all times.  It is a life without fear, a life without addiction, and no longer being a slave to your senses or ego.  From that state you live and know the Truth and nature of things.  Your eyes and ears are wide open, your heart is wide open and you are fully protected and safe.  You know in the deepest depths of your being that you are okay . . . you are safe.  It’s beyond faith, beyond knowing you are safe and protected, beyond praying, hoping, and wishing you are protected . . . you are in the active state of always being safe and protected.  It’s not even a topic of discussion or a question in your mind.  It would be like asking if there is still oxygen in the air for your lungs . . . it gets to that level of silly.

The world, the physical world around you, literally shimmers as golden light.  And when you zoom your focus in on it, you see . . . you feel . . . you know . . . it’s conscious light.  You understand creation at a whole new level that you cannot see, cannot experience, and cannot know while you insist on staying small, hurt, and broken.

So if you haven’t reached that place, if you haven’t experienced that state of being while conscious and awake in your human body . . . then you are not done yet.  You have not reached the place you seek and you must keep going.  Keep trying, keep growing, keep learning.  Learn about love, learn about truth, learn about who you really are inside and not what you’ve been led to believe.  You are not doomed to suffer your whole life, not if you truly, genuinely, and sincerely are done with it.  You are not cursed and you are not fated to be miserable because of any set of circumstances that have or will happen in your life.  You can overcome.  You will have restrictions, you will have challenges, but they are there to strengthen your weaknesses that are needed in order to successfully navigate this journey . . . not to punish you.

There is so much more to life than what we’ve been taught . . . in fact Life doesn’t truly begin until you reach that place.  It’s worth all of the hard work and frustration.  Not only is it worth it, it’s what is needed most right now.  The more people who make this journey and reach the desired destination, the easier it will be for others to reach it as well.  The more people who reach it, the more support we all have, the stronger we become, and then the easier it will be for others to make the journey when their time comes.  Before you know it, people will be able to fly airplanes there.  😀

Can you imagine such a world, such a future?  Where we are healed and whole both as individuals and as a species?  What could humanity accomplish in such a world?

What if all you were asked to do in this life to play a part in bringing that future about, was to find the courage, strength, and faith to truly heal yourself.  To overcome your circumstances and to rise from the ashes?  To find it in you to overcome, to do what they said couldn’t be done.  To become a firewalker?

Velveteen Rabbit

Living Large

We did it.  We finished moving.  After two months of planning, packing, moving, and cleaning, I finally got to turn in the keys to my old apartment on Saturday afternoon.

This has been a mega project that has absorbed much of my focus and attention, along with a new job that I started at the same time.  I was at that apartment complex for a total of 5 years and I was at my previous job for 5 1/2 years.  Within a two month period, a great deal of my life has completely changed.

It’s not easy making changes that big.  It disrupts routine.  It rocks me out of ruts and pushes me to deal with things I didn’t even know I was avoiding.  I used it as an opportunity to go through E V E R Y T H I N G and purge, purge, purge.  I came across things I had all but forgotten about.  It brought long forgotten memories, dreams . . . even nightmares . . . back to the surface to be seen and dealt with.

I had forgotten I had been married until I came across the divorce papers.  That was back in 1996.  18 years ago.  I’ve been divorced for 18 years.  Wow.  That was so many lifetimes ago for me.

Sometimes when I have moments like that, where I’m suddenly transported to a much younger version of me, I find myself wanting to reach out to the younger me and give her a hug.  Knowing the path that lie before her, I feel like it’s what she could use most.  In that hug I am saying, “You’re going to make it.  It’s going to be okay.  Just keep believing and don’t give up on yourself.”

Not in a “cheer up kid” kind of way, but in a very deep heartfelt sorrowful “I’m sorry that I can’t tell you that it’s going to be easy, but it’s how it needs to happen” kind of way.

I remember one time, not long after my divorce, when I had been renting a room out of a home that was running a daycare in it.  (I don’t care how good the deal sounds, don’t EVER rent a room from a house running a daycare. Run.  Run as far away from it as possible.)  I made too much money to qualify for any state assistance (something like $50/month too much), but I most certainly did NOT make enough money to pay for childcare, rent, food, gas, car payment/insurance, etc.  I basically worked, so that I could afford to go to work.

I was at a very low point in my life.  A nonstop series of traumatic events kept hitting me like tsunamis, each one becoming harder and harder to recover from.  I was exhausted, under-fed, and under-nourished.  I didn’t have a support network or any friends to go to.  I couldn’t think clearly.  I always felt weak.  But I had a young toddler who was looking to me for care and love.  So I kept pushing myself forward.

On this particular day, I was at the end of my ever-loving rope.  I had $5 to my name.  We were out of food.  My son was unhappily in a stroller.  I walked slowly up and down the aisles of the grocery store, starving.  I was trying to decide what would be the best way to spend that $5.  What would give us the most food that would last the longest, but also make us feel full.

I was so exhausted I could barely put one foot in front of the other.  My son was squirming and starting to get vocal in his stroller.  There was another woman with a kid somewhere else in the store, and that child was having an outright temper tantrum.  My raw nerves couldn’t handle the screaming.   I stopped.  I thought to myself, “I can’t do this.”  I just stood there silent in the bread aisle staring straight ahead.  Something in me gave out.

My vision began to get blurry as huge crocodile tears poured down my face.  I wasn’t making any facial expression, I wasn’t crying in any way that I understood crying to be.  My facial expression, in fact my entire body, was absolutely still except for the tears coming down.

I gave up trying.  I couldn’t see the point of this existence or of fighting this hard just to barely survive from moment to moment.  I didn’t have any answers, any solutions.  My body, mind, and soul had been pushed to the limits for far too long.  I didn’t know what was going to happen, I didn’t know how this was going to solve my problems.  All I knew, is that I didn’t have anything left in me to give.  Not one more step.

I also didn’t care anymore what happened.  I didn’t care if they hauled me away to a mental ward.  I didn’t care what anyone or anything threatened me with, I didn’t have anything left in me to move or care about anything.  I was willing to accept the consequences of whatever happened by me deciding never to move again.  Being absolutely still, was all I could do.  The tears were acting on their own, I simply didn’t have the energy to stop them.

So there I stood for many minutes, feeling like I was on the best vacation from life I had ever happened upon, when something incredible occurred.  A woman who seemed to me like she had appeared from nowhere, gently placed her hand on my shoulder and told me in the most loving and kindest of tones that she had once been where I was, and she wanted me to know that things would be okay, even if it didn’t feel that way right now.

That gesture of such a real and true kindness from a stranger, clicked something back on in me.  I felt myself come back into life.  I looked around.  Suddenly feeling more life in me than I had in awhile, I quickly walked up and down the empty (and now quiet) aisles trying to find the woman to say thank you, but I never did find her.  I was openly crying now, facial expressions and all.  I didn’t care what anyone thought, I was just so grateful for what had been given to me.

I suddenly knew exactly how I needed to spend the $5, and I did so confidently.  I had renewed faith in life and in my ability to overcome.  This was all just temporary.  This wasn’t the whole of my existence.  I had overcome far worse in my life before and I could do it again.  I’ve always found a way through life’s challenges, and I would continue to do so because I wasn’t going to let hard times get the best of me.  There is always, always a way out, around, or through obstacles.  Always.  I would not give up.  I would not let myself or my son down in life.

That woman saved my life.  It didn’t take money or anything of a material nature.  She didn’t do it by lecturing or judging me for being such a young mom (which I got plenty of on a daily basis from all kinds of supposed loving, church-going people . . . which is exhausting and not helpful at all).

What this woman had done that was different from all of the well-intentioned mouthpieces that go around parroting loving and inspirational phrases, was that she offered the words she said to me with a truly open and unguarded heart.  She selflessly gave of her heart to an absolute stranger standing frozen in the middle of a bread aisle.  She had nothing to gain from it.  She said it with absolutely no ego involved.

That’s all I had needed.  Something real.  Something true.  That stranger showed me in that one moment, more true heart and care than I had been able to find in all of the people in my life at that time.  That’s how starved I was for it, and how little it took for me to be willing to give life another try.  To continue to give of my own heart to others again.

With this move and new job, I’ve again been having my limits challenged.  There’s something about being pushed beyond my limits that helps me reset my priorities again.  Helps me regain proper perspective on life.  I go back to that moment in the bread aisle.  I am reminded of how rarely people truly give of their heart.  How even in their “lovingness” they are just as closed off and isolated from one another as the “cold-hearted” of us.  Simply saying loving things, doesn’t make you loving.  Simply going through the motions of being a “good” person, doesn’t mean you’re “good”.

We’ve been conditioned since childhood to see the world through the lens of certain behaviors and actions dictating whether you are a good person or a bad person.  If you ignore someone you are bad.  If you bring them pumpkin bread when they’re sick, you’re good.  Those are all superficial things.  Just because you can put a good show on the outside, doesn’t mean you’re a good person.  Just because you can’t hide the hurt in you and you act out, doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.

We’ve got it all wrong.  All of that is superficial judgment.  It’s both more simple and more complex than that.

It’s more simple in that, anything done with an open heart . . . is “good”.  Anything done with a closed heart is “bad”.  That’s only if you’re needing or wishing to slap labels on things such as good or bad.

It’s more complex in that, it means you can’t judge someone or a situation based on what is being shown or by a set list of characteristics of what it means to be good or bad.  The only way you’re actually able to know or discern the difference between whether the actions of a person is of one persuasion or the other, is when your own heart is open.  Until then, you will struggle to see clearly who is truly in the right and wrong.  You will more easily be persuaded by those who have the gift of gab and can spin a good story, and/or you won’t be able to see past your own projection onto others.

The irony is that when you’re truly coming from an open heart, you realize how absolutely pointless and futile judging others truly is.  That it’s when you can see things for what they really are, that you no longer feel the want or need to judge others.

Speaking for myself personally, when I hit those moments where my heart truly opens and my guard is completely dropped, that what comes forward in me is an incredible love and sorrow.

When a person can see through everyone’s mask, how could they feel anything but incredible love and sorrow?

When you can see how they hurt inside.  That life has broken their heart in some way and they are just trying to make the best of it that they can.  When you can see how alone they feel.  The loneliness and heartbreak I see hiding in people’s eyes as they go about their day, pretending like they’re fine . . . is heartbreaking and painful to see in another.  I feel overwhelmingly heartbreaking sorrow and actual physical pain in my heart.  The things we argue over and fight about are so pointless and miniscule in the big scheme of things.  So trivial and meaningless in the face of real love.

But it doesn’t bring me to my knees in helplessness, hopelessness, and powerlessness.  I don’t feel anger, anymore, about how unfair and unnecessary it is for the world to suffer in the way that it does.

Instead, I feel a great weight fall away from me.  My guard, my defense, my mask.  I feel my pride disintegrate.  I feel my judgment and need to be in the right dissipate.  Something bigger than me, unfolds and expands from deep within, a feeling that I refer to as ‘opening my big momma heart’.  All of these feelings combined, I refer to as “forgiveness” and “letting go”.  I stop feeling the need to try and make anyone or anything be or do anything other than what they are.  I let them be, because I need all of my own attention to be focused on being who I am.

When everything that isn’t real has fallen away from me, I feel the overwhelming need to sing the heartbreaking love I feel for every human.  For the collective, yes, but more than that.  I feel it for every single human being as an individual.  This intense force of energy that barrels through me like a bull charging a red flag.  The passionate and sorrowful heartbreak that comes from witnessing a child needlessly suffering and hurting, but that there’s nothing you can do personally about it because it’s their life and their choice.

But you want to at least let them know that they’re not alone.  Soothe them with heartfelt sorrowful songs . . loving lullabies, that sing of their heartbreak and pain.  Letting them know that you’re there, that you are a witness to their pain and suffering.

And the love.  The endless open love I feel pouring through me.  It’s nothing to do with whether someone is deemed worthy of love or not based on whether they are following social protocol, simply existing is reason enough to be worthy of love.  Every being, every individual, is worthy of love.

People do things and act in ways that are not like themselves when they are hurt or in pain.  Have you ever seen how a mistreated or abused dog will lash out or try to bite when they become scared?  Has the dog become evil?  Does the dog no longer deserve to be given love?  Or is love, care, and patience what he needs more than ever?

It’s no different for people.

To judge anyone as “bad” is to cut yourself off from love and if it is severe and persistent enough, you will become the “bad” you are judging.  The more you try to recoil, shield, and protect yourself from the bad, the more you push yourself into the darkness.  The further into the darkness you go, the less light or consciousness you have.  The less light or consciousness you have, the more you go into denial and ignorance about what is really happening.  The more you go into denial and ignorance about what is really happening, the less control and power you feel you have over your life circumstances.  The less control and power you feel you have over your life and circumstances, the more you become either a victim or aggressor.  Being locked in either role of victim or aggressor, is to be locked in a perpetual prison of suffering and miserableness.

When you can see that victim and aggressor are both sides of the same coin, when you can see that neither one is the way out of your suffering . . . and you’ve actually reached a point of truly being done with suffering . . . only then can you begin the path towards true freedom.  It is a path of humbleness and true forgiveness.  A path of getting out of your own way.  Of letting go of pettiness.  Of uncovering who you really are versus what you’ve become in an effort to survive the moment your heart broke when you were a child and your innocence was lost.

The path to truly learning how to love again.

big duck

 

When You Can Love Through Your Fear

The people I surround myself with in life, whether they are coworkers, (online) friends, acquaintances, family . . . are some of the most loving people I have ever met.

I’ve found that the most loving people, are often the most creative people I’ve ever met.  They amaze me.

I’ve found that the most creative people, are often the most sensitive people I’ve ever met.

And I’ve found that the most sensitive people . . . are often the most defensive and tend to easily close off from others or shut down on themselves.

I’ve found that closed off people, often feel misunderstood by outsiders.

I’ve found that people who feel misunderstood, often feel alone and isolated in the world.

I’ve found that the ones who feel alone and isolated, often feel a great deal of fear and insecurity.

So I’ve come to understand . . .

That the most loving people . . . are quite often the ones who feel the most alone and heartbroken about the world in which they live, and are quite often the ones who feel the most fearful and insecure.

The lovers, the dreamers, . . . the candlestick makers.

: P

Something else all of these people have in common, is getting in their own way.

Because they are some of the most creative people, they are able to come up with the most creative reasons and excuses for why they can’t do something.  All of them sound totally legit.  Totally understandable.

I’m going to shift gears here for a moment (<– look at me being all considerate and warning you).

In my own personal experiences, when a person is being closed or defensive, in that moment:

  1. They are not usually able to recognize that they are being closed or defensive.
  2. They’re unable to exercise discernment.

How this may appear in a real life situation is by denial (“I’m NOT being defensive!” or “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” or “I don’t know.”) and everything can become a black and white issue.

When you are in defense mode, you are in “prove it” mode.  This leads to using mind/logic/rational only.  Why?  Because what do you think you’re defending?  What are you protecting?

Your heart, your inner core feelers.

If your guard has gone up, you’ve put a wall between the situation and your heart (who you are at your core), in order to protect the most sensitive part of you.

(Btw, in an emergency, where you need to think with a clear head and not your feelers, this separation between head and heart occurs . . . so it’s basically a survival instinct gone amuck.  Doesn’t matter if it’s a fear of being eaten by a bear or if it’s a fear of falling in love . . . the body’s all like NOPE.)

That means your heart doesn’t get to weigh in and practice discernment regarding the truth of the situation or what you TRULY feel about it.  You’re basically running blind.

It’s the areas of your life that you tend to launch into sheer logic/rational about because it’s where/when you tend to close the iron fortress doors in order to protect your heart (and you . . . because this is the part of yourself that you identify with the most).

Are you not doing something because you are afraid of doing it, or are you not doing something because it’s not “time” for it to happen, or are you not doing something because it’s not meant to happen?

When you approach a situation with a closed/defensive stance (and there isn’t a single person who can exclude themselves from this category), you can’t tell the difference.  You need to also be connected to your feelers, your heart, your core self in order to be able to distinguish the way or decision meant for YOU specifically in any given moment.

When you don’t connect to your own feelings and take responsibility for them (whether protecting them, speaking up for them, owning them, acting on them, showing them, sharing them, etc.), then the choices you make in life become based on things that do not support and nurture your heart . . . they only support the mind.  And that is a very cold and unsatisfying life.  Nothing material will ever, ever fill that void.

So back to the peeps in my life.  I love you guys . . . like a LOT.  But you make the most insane and elaborate excuses for why you aren’t happy or why things aren’t working out for you.  It’s ALWAYS something.  Always, always, always something.  I’ve heard (and used) every single imaginable excuse in the existence of all existences.

But that’s all it is . . . an excuse.  An excuse to not challenge or face your fears.  You’re afraid.  That’s all it is.  There aren’t any real obstacles in your way, except you and your fears having tea time.

So what if the worst possible outcome happens?  So what if it doesn’t look or turn out how you thought?

I’ll tell you a little something.  When you do whatever you’re doing with a fully open heart . . . none of that matters.  It doesn’t matter even a single teeny, tiny bit.  It’s all wonderful, it’s all magical, it’s all an adventure that you GET to experience in this existence that we call life.

When you can genuinely smile and giggle, even through your tears and heartbreak . . .

That’s when you’ll know that you’re living with an open heart.

 dog spoon lobster

 

Cliff Diving (Okay, Maybe Falling Off Of Cliffs Ungracefully)

I have to call upon so much courage in myself when trying to speak from my heart.

It feels like I’m hanging from a cliff by my fingers, and I’m trying to pull together enough courage to let go . . . one finger at a time.  I become so scared.

Is it going to hurt?

Will I be okay?

But I know it’s my path . . . to learn to speak out loud what is in my heart.

Not what is popular . . . not what is commonly accepted . . . not the influence I feel from others around me . . . but what I and I alone feel separate from the outside world.

I cannot express the terror I feel surrounding this seemingly simple act . . . speaking what I feel inside.

The humiliation I feel.

I have to do it through tears and slow breathing.  It’s like trying to breathe oxygen into a stubborn raisin that insists on folding in on itself.  A trembling raisin.

I do it because I know it’s the only way for me.  I do it because when I’m successful, I once again come alive and see everything for what it is.  I feel myself glow.  I know without a doubt that it’s my calling, even if I don’t know why it’s my calling or what I’m supposed to do with it.  I don’t care why . . . it feels too good to be doing what it feels like I was put here for.

Nothing else matters.

Even knowing that, I continue to hold onto the cliff’s edge with my fingertips.  Crying and pleading with the circumstances . . . wanting to be anywhere but hanging from that cliff.

I hang on because when I start to open my heart and see what’s in there, I become overwhelmed and scared by what I see.  Not because it’s something bad . . . but because it’s something so immense . . . because it’s something new and I don’t know what to do with it.

It doesn’t fit into anything I’ve ever seen really happen in life.  And in that moment when I’m staring straight into it, I know . . . I know I must call upon all of the strength and courage I have inside, because I have to stray from all I’ve ever known and understood about life.

I have to come to peace with letting all of my greatest fears come true as I take my first steps.

Hence the cliff crying (upgraded from floor crying).

The more steps I take, the more confident I am that I’m heading in the right direction . . . and take one more finger off of the cliff’s edge.

I don’t know . . . I guess the hardest thing for me to overcome what I see when I look deep into my heart right now, is that it’s something that I had unknowingly lost a belief in.

It’s like suddenly seeing an honest-to-goodness leprechaun running around your desk.  There’s a moment of shock that a leprechaun even exists before you can start processing what’s happening.

Ironically, I believed in leprechauns more than I believed in what I’m seeing now.

In my heart, I see and feel what can only be True Love.

It’s not like anything I’ve ever heard about or seen.  It redefines all of existence for me.  I’m barely scratching the surface of this monster thing that is appearing inside.

That’s not even the part I’m struggling with.

The part I’m struggling with is the part I didn’t know I didn’t believe in, until I started to see all of this in the last week or so.

{cliff gripping}

I didn’t believe in “soul mates” or “Twin Flames”.  I thought I did, but now if I am honest with myself, I didn’t.  I didn’t really believe there was that one person out there that was a person’s match.  I didn’t believe that there was possibly that one person that was meant for me.

I think I believed in possibilities.  Like a game of odds and chances . . . probabilities of two people matching up and being compatible.  But someone specifically destined or fated?  Another person who is actually another part of your soul?  No, I didn’t believe in that.

I now wonder how long my soul has had to wander alone, for me to have forgotten that it was ever apart of another?  To have reached a point of believing that it was only ever by itself without a pair or mate.  In order to survive . . . to cope . . . to not give up in despair.

I didn’t let myself believe it was true because it terrifies me.  It’s too much for me to dare hope.  At the soul level, I’ve wandered alone a very . . . very . . . very long time.  I’ve searched and searched and searched.  I’ve hoped and hoped and hoped.  But to actually believe it . . . that was too much for me.  That’s not real life . . . that’s some dream or fantasy.

If I were to believe it before I really found my “other” . . . the knowledge alone that I was separated from my other half and not knowing where he was or even if he was okay, would have been enough to literally kill me on the spot.  That’s how deep this pain runs.  My heart would absolutely give out on me.

So I stopped believing in my soul having another half in order to survive.  I believed myself to be independent and solo, not needing anyone else in order to be complete.

But in the spring/summer of 2012 . . . I reached a point of wholeness within myself.  I let go of my fears of being alone and I opened up inside.  Life began to glow for me.  I felt full of light.  When this happened . . . a man appeared in my life.  I knew who he was.  I knew what it meant.  I knew what was happening.  It wasn’t a guessing game for me.  It wasn’t a maybe.  It was 100%.

Fast forward to November of last year, we broke up.

I have no wish to share the details of how that all came about because that’s between me and him, but suffice to say there was a lot of confusion and hurt on both sides for us each to clean up.

I have never, ever gone through something as intense as this in all of my life.

In the hurt and confusion, I closed down and was more in the dark.  I could no longer remember any of the things I knew about us when we first met.

Since then I’ve been fighting and climbing my way out of the abyss that I had fallen down into.  Striving to reach that place of light and knowing that I had reached in 2012.

I’ve started to hit that place again . . . I call it the “Golden World”.  I flicker in and out.  The part that’s been slowing my progress and tripping me up, is the fact that when I open to that world . . . all of the information I knew about us from a couple of years ago, starts to rush back into me.

Except we’ve broken up . . . we don’t speak to each other . . . we’re not even in contact.  I don’t know if we ever will again.

That’s where things start to slide sideways for me.

Because of my subconscious belief that I had no “other”, the knowing of who he was only went skin deep with me.  I hadn’t let it sink all of the way in . . . down to my deep rooted beliefs.  It was very superficial . . . Gemini-like.  I didn’t fully believe with my whole being that he was my partner.  I hadn’t surrendered to the reality of who he is to me.

Because of the wound.  The deep, deep wound of having been separated from him in the first place.  I was scared to let the relationship be true, to be real . . . because the reality was too much for me to handle.  Again my heart . . . I can feel it in my physical heart.  It sometimes stumbles and pounds weird in my chest from the struggle in me regarding me and my ex.

I’ve never had anything close to this happen in my life with another person before.

But there’s nothing I can do about the relationship.  But I don’t want to die . . . I want to live.  So I tried to let him go.  Let him go his own way and live his own life.  Except, I tried to do it by forgetting him, and all that did was keep me closed.  I wasn’t able to recover or heal from the breakup while I did that.

So instead, I decided to open up to what it was I really feeling inside.  Regardless of circumstances beyond my control . . . regardless of how it may appear to the rest of the world . . . what was it that I was feeling, what was it that I was trying to cover-up or hide in myself?

When everything that is false is burned away . . . what is left?

And without fail . . . when I open back up, when I come back to life . . . so does all of my love for him.  So does my memory of him.  I remember him again.  I know he is my one . . . my penguin.  My mate.  My other half.

But instead of falling apart because of our separation and not knowing if we’ll even ever speak again . . . I surrender fully to the knowing and understanding of who he is to my soul . . . and that brings me solace.  It brings me peace . . . because I know he exists.  He’s out there somewhere.  I know his energy signature.  I feel him with me the same as when he was here in person.

Whenever I start to panic about him being so far away physically . . . or the very real possibility that I’ll never hear or see him again . . . I have to shift to a soul perspective.  From there . . . I can feel him . . . I feel joy in my being . . . I feel a love for life again.  I know that things are okay even if they don’t look like it on the outside.

In that way . . . I’m able to let him go.  I’m able to still openly feel my feelings of love for him instead of hide, repress, or pretend like they aren’t there and in doing so having to hide and repress a large part of who I am.  They are there and they will always be there in a very, very big way for me.

Even though I am very skilled in being able to distinguish very subtle changes, shifts, and differences in even the most intricate energy . . . I am unable to distinguish my own heart energy from him and my love for him.  As far as my soul is concerned . . . he *is* my heart.

I am a free spirit . . . and so is my heart.  My heart is free to be and to do whatever he chooses, I will not stand in his way.

As long as I keep surrendering to spirit and have faith in life and that things are as they are meant to be . . . I can stay in a place of love, joy, and happiness regardless of circumstances.

I’ve found my heart . . . it’s not what I expected . . . but I’m very happy to know of its existence.  I’m very happy to know that I can connect to it whenever I want to energetically . . . and for me, that is oftentimes more real than this physical life (especially while Sun is in Pisces and Jupiter in Cancer).

This is still somewhat of a shock to me . . . it’s taking a lot of time to integrate and accept and let it seep deeper into my understanding of reality.  The more it does, the more love and peace I feel for life overall . . . and the more I am able to surrender and allow life to be as it is.  The more confident I am that I am finding my way.  The more things make sense to me again . . . even if they don’t really make sense in a conventional way.

Okay . . . that’s all of the heart sharing I can handle for now.

Quan Yin

Let My Big Heart Run Free

Having such huge intense archetypes hitting personal points on your natal chart is a hoot, let me tell ya.

These are no mere mortal mood swings I’m having.  It’s like the Gods and Goddesses are having recess in my psyche.  It’s so B I G . . . E P I C . . . I N T E N S E . . . and oh so D R A M A T I C.  I feel like this could use a soundtrack.  {goes to look for mood setting music}  Ah, here’s one.  It’s like living in the middle of this all of the time (Audiomachine – Guardians at the Gate):

Actually . . . pretty much anything by Audiomachine is appropriate.

In order to let that big of an energy through . . . you have to do some heavy duty surrendering, letting go, and opening up W I D E.  Meaning, you can’t be thinking small thoughts of yourself.  If you only think tiny little human thoughts, it doesn’t give enough room to let the archetype energy through . . . and it wreaks havoc on the physical body.

However, If you don’t have some sort of discipline around dealing with that intense of an energy . . . then you stop being able to properly function as a human here in the practical day-to-day world.  You could end up in the cuckoo house.

What I’m attempting to do in the middle of my own crazy . . . is surrender to the energy to easily allow it through (which makes it go from chaotic to peaceful within seconds) . . . but to ALSO ground it into this reality.  This requires that I simultaneously open and trust the energy going through me . . . BUT stay consciously aware and consciously direct the flow of the energy.

What I just described . . . the consciously channeling the archetype energy outwards . . . is an esoteric understanding of Aquarius . . . ruler of Uranus.  Uranus is currently on my Ascendant, coming in from the other side of the Veil (Pisces/12th house) into an individual person (Aries/1st house).  So . . . in a way, archetype energy is being birthed through me, the same as a baby’s soul comes through the mom and into the baby, and then she gives birth to the baby into this physical world.  Because this is Aries and Uranus . . . it could be birthing a bunch of new ideas.

I got to thinking about this earlier this morning because I had something start to switch in me.  I was feeling the “Wrathful Mother” coming through yesterday.  She was all grumpy gills at the Black Smoke (Pluto).  But having let that rage come through . . . it started clearing out blockages in my energy.  So then what I started to experience, was a deeper letting go inside of me.  I could feel myself deeper . . . and I started to bump into a reservoir of emotions and feelings.  Ones that were SO GIGANTIC . . . that I couldn’t let them through while I was holding a grudge against Mr. Black Smoke.  I couldn’t let the grudge go, until I let myself feel SUPER ANGRY about it.

When I first gently bumped into this reservoir I *remembered* it.  “Oh yes.  Now I remember this place.”  It’s where I feel and find my Neptune/Moon in my body.  It’s roughly the area of my lower spine . . . that’s a poor way to describe it, because it’s most definitely a place outside of time and space, but the doorway TO my Neptune/Moon is in that region of my body.

It’s where I have access to what I call my Heart.  Not my human heart . . . but my Big Momma Heart.  Neptune/Moon.  Compassionate Mother.

As I poked my big toe into the reservoir, I felt . . . I felt the Dark Smoke Pluto from another perspective.  I felt his . . . aloneness.  I felt his pain and hurt.  And it touched a bigger part of me . . . the Momma part of me.  I felt my bigger Heart s w E L L  HUGE.  I felt an understanding and love for what this being or archetype had gone through himself.  It’s not easy being the Devil.

So I could let it go . . . I could let the anger go that I felt towards that energy, and in doing so it gave me greater access to a deeper love and peace in me.

Then I had a clearer understanding of what I’m doing here.  That this large reservoir is related to my purpose.  That everything up to now has been preparation for me to be able to handle this larger archetype energy through and into this world.  These great.big.momma.feelers.  They are so huge that I can’t let them through while I pretend I’m a small nobody.  I can’t let them through while I’m holding onto anything that isn’t real.  I can’t let them through while I’m being self conscious.

Those things were in place in order to keep those big feelings from destroying me before I was ready . . . but I’m ready now.  So I have to let go of those limited, small thoughts in order to become what I came here to be and do.  I have to completely change my approach and perspective to life.  Let myself love big.  Let myself feel big.  Let my Big Heart run free.

Level Mom

The Rising Has Begun

I’ve had to take a little bit of time to think.

I’ve found myself wandering into new scenery and I’m having to move a little slower than usual to take in all the new sights and understand what is going on.

I feel very much how I’d imagine Alice in Wonderland felt when she found herself in a strange new land, including the mindless need to repeatedly say, “Curiouser and curiouser”.

Whenever we move into new phases in our lives, there is a transition period where you’re having to adjust from how you used to see yourself to how you are now starting to see yourself.  For example, when you move out of adolescence and into adulthood.

I am going through one of those shifts right now . . . except I didn’t know I’d experience a shift of this nature at my age.  I thought that once you made it solidly into adulthood . . . that you didn’t experience another shift of this nature until you were more towards the retiring years.  So . . . I guess previously I had thought (subconsciously), “This is it for me.  I never quite bloomed, but I didn’t quite fail miserably either.”

But then I start to wonder to myself . . . whether I had never fully matured in the first place.  I know they talk about someone being a late bloomer . . . but what does that even mean?  (<– has no idea.)  And because I’ve been known to take things to the extreme, I wouldn’t put it past me to take being a “late bloomer” to a whole new level.

When I really think about the whole concept . . . and the more I take stock on the whole of my life so far . . . the more it starts to dawn on me that no, I never really did bloom.  I never really did come out of my shell, or come into my own, or however you want to say it.

Things are beginning to feel different to me.  People are responding differently to me.  I’m responding differently . . . but it still somehow feels natural to me.  It all feels like a natural unfolding or product of the flow of life.  I have these moments where I start to see or more fully understand what is going on with me, and I start to tear up.  “It’s happening.”

Those moments come with realizations that everything up until now has been preparation in building a solid foundation within myself.  I have been learning, watching, observing, taking notes, contemplating, philosophizing, experimenting.  I have been taking my slow methodical turtle-like way through life.

Also in those moments, I become aware that I’ve been one of many people standing in a large crowd.  A large crowd of people who have been looking all around . . . high and low . . . far and near . . . to see who is in charge.  I’ve been one of the ones who have been waiting for a leader to appear.  Waiting for someone to step up.

And then suddenly becoming aware that slowly over time, more and more eyes had started to turn my way . . . and it dawning on me that the reason I can’t find the leader I’m looking for . . . is because I am her.  I am the leader that I’ve been looking for.

That’s what those moments feel like to me.

They make me start to cry because in those momentary flashes, I see myself in a way I’ve never seen before.  I become overwhelmed with emotion, because I really didn’t know . . . I really didn’t see my value up until this point.  So these flashes are a shock to my whole world perception.

{flash} “I matter?” {flash}

{flash} “I have something of value to offer others?” {flash}

I feel in an (almost) effortless manner, the person . . . the woman that I have always known myself to be inside, is starting to show herself on the outside.  It very much feels like a Disney moment where a wand is swished and a transformation takes place.  Except it’s in much slower motion.  So . . . maybe a time lapse of a couple of months speeded up would be more accurate.

But not any less magical.

I’m finding that the peacefulness that comes over me in those moments, is because I finally feel validated by life in general.  I feel a renewal in faith . . . in knowing that there truly was a reason that I went through everything I did.  I feel very humbled and satisfied inside . . . I no longer feel any need to try and prove anything . . . not even to myself.  I feel like I can let go of trying to force a purpose to my life just to make it tolerable.

I know that no matter what . . . I am okay.  That everything is going to be okay.  That everything *is* okay.

I feel complete confidence that I have been thoroughly prepared for whatever life has in store for me next.

I know I was made for *this* . . . whatever *this* is . . . because I don’t know yet what any of it means.  I am only starting to sense that the something I’ve been preparing for . . . for many, many lifetimes . . . is now beginning to come into physicality.  I feel it swelling in me while I shift and transform into something new.

I am surprised by what’s happening . . . while simultaneously remembering that I had been planning this all along at some other, long-forgotten level in my being.

I feel something wonderful . . . loving . . . powerful . . . rising in me.

Something new to this life . . . but ancient to time.

And I do not feel that I am alone in this.

Something at a deep level in humanity is happening right now.

Something has begun.

Something that we have been waiting for.

No one will be left unaffected.

In the end, we will all be transformed.

Even though it may still be too subtle for you to feel . . . even though it may still be too quiet for you to hear . . . even though it may still be too translucent for you to see . . . that *something* you have been waiting for . . . has begun.

Why Bear

No Matter How Many Times I Fall, I Will Always Get Back Up

I had a thought provoking question asked of me that dovetailed nicely with a question I had asked myself last night as I fell asleep.  They were questions regarding my last relationship.

Driving into work (one of my ‘most likely to have an aha’ moment, 2nd only to the shower), the swirl of mess that I was trying to sort out suddenly cleared, and I was left with a single knowing or understanding within myself that hummed harmoniously . . . letting me know that I had found a Self Truth.

What attracts me to others?  I know there is a tendency to attract the part of ourselves that we don’t accept or reject.  (7th house)  But because my 7th house has been projectile puking projections on me since I was really young . . . those things people normally don’t accept about themselves and seek in others . . . I do see in myself and accept.  I have Uranus/Pluto there . . . I can be, and definitely am those things.  I am very clear about those being within me.  They scare me within me sometimes . . . but I see them.  I give them extra hugs.

My Venus and Mars in Aries are conjunct at 26 degrees.  I think this has more significance than I’ve realized.  My South Node is at 23 degrees Aries.  My feminine/masculine . . . they are together.  I know how to be whole.  I’m not bragging.  It’s not something I generally want people to know.  I tend to hide this, to protect it.  When I’m by myself and not in a committed relationship, I become peaceful and balanced inside.

I see Gemini as the one who reconciles duality.  Gemini is the sign of duality.  Gemini can be scattered and all over the place . . . and even moody . . . are you going to get the nice twin today, or the evil twin?  I have that Sun/Jupiter conjunction in Gemini.  (<– that’s like 20 people minimum) I then have those two in opposition to my Moon/Neptune in Sag.  An opposition is along the same lines as duality.  I have duality within duality within duality in my chart.  It is a chart of paradoxes.  For my sanity’s sake I have *had* to reconcile duality inside of myself.

I can see and hold so many angles and perceptions without conflict at one time, it should come with a circus soundtrack and confetti.

I am able to find peace . . . find happiness . . . find balance . . . all on my own.  I am able to self-nurture . . . I am able to defend myself.  Feminine/Masculine.  When you reach the kind of balance I have experienced, all of your needs are met within yourself.  I was genuinely joyful, happy, and full of life.  And it never ran out . . . it just kept welling up and through me.  So then my question to myself last night, was why did I bother getting involved in a relationship?  What was the point of that whole thing?  Why?

Which brings me back to my moment in the car.  The moment of clarity went a little something like this:

I felt so happy and whole before my last relationship . . . why would I leave that?  Now I’m having to limp myself back to that wholeness state . . . where I could’ve been anyways had I not got in the relationship.  That was stupid Jenn.  Why did you do that? {Puts one leg into her Wonder Woman underoos pants, careful to keep the other foot on the gas pedal of the car.}

Because I want a partner in life.  Not to help me become whole . . . but to be whole with me in life.  So why did you choose the person you did?  What was it about him that you saw?  {Carefully switching feet on the foot pedals of the car . . . starts to put other leg into her Wonder Woman underoos pants.}

: (  this is my owie getting ready to poke it’s head out.

While I love all of me . . . it’s been difficult finding someone who loves all of themselves.  And when someone doesn’t love and embrace all of who they are inside (and for real, not just to look good or to feel superior) . . . they aren’t okay with embracing and loving all of who I am.  And while I’m all for cooperating and finding a way that works for both (I actually tend to go a little too far in compromise much to my detriment) . . . what I’m not willing to do, is sacrifice who I am for another person.  {Scooches her underoos pants up over her jeans.}

So I get in a relationship . . . before long, I stop accepting who I am.  Yeah, the other person may blah blah blah and that has an influence on me having a harder time accepting myself.  But I don’t have control over them.  It’s my responsibility to keep accepting myself, even if it means the end of the relationship.  That’s not something someone else does to me. {Starts the task of getting her Wonder Woman underoos top on.  Over her sweater, need to look extra ridiculous.}

I live my life with my heart out on my sleeve.  That’s how I need to be.  I am strong . . . I am intense . . . I’m ridiculous . . . I’m silly . . . I can shift through 5 moods in one sentence.  For every single thing that I am naturally and at my core, I can find the negative side to them and the positive side to them.  The gifts and the curse.  I can see those in others too.  But I’m not seen back.  If the person isn’t aware enough . . . if the person doesn’t love themselves enough . . . if the person lives too much in fear . . . if the person identifies with their wound too much . . . if the person can’t see who they are under their own fear and worry . . . then they can’t see me.  {Underoos now on . . . straightening them out while keeping eyes focused on the road.}

And that makes me feel so alone in the world.

I self validate.  If they can’t self validate . . . then I become their crutch.

I self nurture.  If they can’t self nurture during times that I’m unable to be there for them . . . I become their drug.

I am guided by inner authority.  If they listen solely to authority outside of themselves . . . I don’t have their support in being and doing what it is I know I have to do.

I don’t want . . . no, I can’t become less than who I am in order to have a partner.  It’s not in me.  That’s not who I am.  My will to survive as ME will always win out in the end.  {Busts out the golden paper burger king crown she keeps stealthily hidden under the driver’s seat.}

I need someone as authentic, open, intense, and as powerful as me.  I need that so that I am allowed to be all of myself when I’m around them.  If they aren’t . . . I will inevitably have to sacrifice myself in order to have a partner.  That’s not the other person’s fault . . . that’s just the fact of the matter.

I can only find that by being unapologetically me when I’m with someone, and letting them be responsible for their responses to me and both working through the things that come up.  {Waits for a stoplight to assemble the gold crown.}

But that’s where my fear resides.

How many times can a person, being who they are, be rejected . . . and continue to love themselves?  Especially when they’re the only one believing in themselves.  I don’t want to be self-delusional, so every time that happens I tear myself apart to find my part and my responsibility in the situation, and I work hard to heal that part of me.

I get back to a place of balance and love for myself . . . I try again . . . I fall again.

I cycle through again . . . am I being delusional . . . am I being fair . . . is there something in me I’m doing that I’m blind to?  Rip . . . shred . . . no mercy.  Get back to a place of balance and love for myself.  Get back out there, and try again.  {Gets crown on.  Checks in mirror.  Hair sticking out everywhere?  Check.  Ears sticking out like a dork? Check.  Nods and smiles confidently.}

I have been doing this for as long as I can remember.

I fall, I pick myself back up, and I try again.  I fall, I pick myself back up, and I try again.  Always changing.  Always improving.  Always taking responsilibty for my part.  Always looking at the situation from the other person’s point of view.  Refining my rough edges.  I fall, pick myself back up, and I try again.

I have been absolutely ruthless with myself.

I have learned a lot.  I didn’t actually get to the full wholeness within myself until the Summer of 2012.  I found my personal magical combination that unlocked the real me inside.  And from there I could see I wished to have a partner to share life with, while in this awesome place of wholeness.  When I met the man from my last relationship, I saw that possibility.  The stars were aligned . . . everything magical came perfectly into place.

And then I fell.  Again.

But this time . . . something different did happen.  I did learn how to open my heart while in a relationship.  I learned how to overcome that fear of being who I am while I’m with someone.  That was a goddamn miracle all by itself.  But as with all Pluto lessons . . . I *still* have no control over other people.  Just because I got to that space myself . . . does not mean my partner automatically would. {At next stoplight, opens the glove box to pull out her long yellow yarn hair ribbon.  Nay . . . not hair ribbon . . . her lasso of Truth.}

And same lesson with my son . . . there’s nothing I can do about the other person.  I can love me with all my heart . . . I can love them with all my heart . . . but that does NOT mean, it will work out.  It doesn’t mean I will get my wish.

So this last smackdown still smarts.  The higher you go, the harder you fall.  But I had to take that risk.  I had to take that chance.  I didn’t want to live my life having to close my heart every time I got close to someone just because I’m terrified.  So I took the chance.  I still got rejected.  It’s not personal.  It hurts like hell, and I’m having to self nurture like I’ve never had to do before . . . but it wasn’t personal . . . he just wasn’t in that place . . . that’s nothing to do with me. {Parks car.}

So I am now picking myself back up.  I’m taking in the lessons learned.  I’m pulling myself back together . . . gaining back my strength . . . getting my feminine and masculine back in balance and talking nicely with each other.

This one smarted enough, that I have WAY less trouble speaking up for myself.  Which . . . is one of my “things” for this life.  The sabian symbol for my Sun sign at 12 degrees Gemini is:  “A Slave-Girl Demands Her Rights From Her Mistress“.  Where I stray . . . is when something happens that results in me having to be smaller and less than I am . . . I fold.  My brain tells me that it’s me “being fair” . . . after all this is a relationship and you can’t be so stubborn.

Well, fucking duh, Jenn.  You are stubborn.  Why is that so bad?  Why do you love your stubbornness alone . . . but suddenly it’s a problem around other people?  Why do you do that to yourself?  I misunderstood compromise and fairness.  It doesn’t mean you stop being that part of you . . . it doesn’t mean you hide that part of you around that person . . . it means you discuss it openly.  {Looking into the vanity mirror, starts putting on her Strawberry Shortcake lipgloss.  Now she’s ready.}

Anytime I’ve discussed a misunderstanding with another person, and we were BOTH open and receptive (vs defensive and arrogant) . . . a solution that was a great big win for both people was able to be found.  And in the process, each got an opportunity to step up their game and GROW as individuals.  But it only works when both are being open, honest, and willing to grow.

I’m not requesting that someone change for me.  I’m requesting that they grow with me.  You have to have a certain amount of humbleness and flexibility.  If you always have to be right . . . it won’t work.  If you think you’re perfect and I’m a spaz for constantly seeking to grow and improve myself . . . it’s not going to work.  If you don’t trust my motives or are suspicious of me . . . it’s not going to work.  If you’re not willing to take a chance and look like a TOTAL FOOL . . . then it’s not going to work.  {Gets out of her car . . . stands there for a moment with the car door still open, staring into the distance . . . contemplative.}

I’m not static.  I’m not a ONE, SINGLE, THING that you can tie me down with.  I will always . . . always continue to strive to grow and improve and change.  I don’t plan on one day saying, oh . . . I’m good . . . I’m going to just stop doing things now.  No.  That will never be me.  If you want someone who will always be one way, that’s not me.  If you want someone who will always be contained . . . that for fucking sure will never be me.  If you want someone who isn’t going to do embarrassing things . . . that will never be me.  {Puts a foot up on the door jam, looking like Captain Morgan on the Spiced Rum bottle.}

Ok . . . so I fell down again . . . and yeah I sometimes feel like a total ass for opening up like that and falling on my face.  But only for a few seconds.  I let myself feel embarrassed and humiliated . . . and then it passes . . . and then I see all the great awesome that I gained from it.  I see the places I could improve.  {Lifts chin up in strength, defiance, and resolve.}

And then I start getting my ass . . . back . . . up.  And I will try again.  The odds are totally in my favor.  One of these days . . . it will happen.  One day, I will find that someone who sees all of my insanity, my weird quirks, my intensity, my ugly face cry complete with slobber, my 5am get the fuck out of my face, my love and passion for life, my waaaay too fucking loud laughing, my big kid ridiculousness . . . and they will love me BECAUSE of all of those things.  {Wind starts blowing through hair.  Looking majestic as fluff.}

I just know it.  I just know one day I will find that person.  And until then . . . I’m not fucking giving up.

Some Scorpion Love.

Some Scorpion Love.

I Support Who You Really Are . . . Not Your Dysfunctional Behavior

One way that I make myself smaller around others, is also how I become an enabler.  In an effort to be supportive and understanding, I don’t speak up when I hear someone saying something that they *think* is their truth . . . but I can clearly see that it’s a line of thinking that is keeping them small.  There are many other reasons I do it.  I don’t want to be a know-it-all.  I know that most likely they’ll say, “No, no that’s not it.”  At one point I started to think that I should just let them figure it out for themselves . . . which leads me back to being supportive and understanding.  Which I seem to think means always agreeing with what someone is saying.

I can be supportive and understanding AND say how I see it.

There’s also a time and a place.  When a person is having an emotional breakdown . . . that’s a good time to let them say whatever the hell needs to come out of their mouth.  A good old fashioned rant.  It doesn’t have to make sense, it doesn’t have to be rational . . . it just needs to come out in the open and be said so that it doesn’t stay inside of them and poison them to death.

But if I have a friend who is repeating the same thing over and over for 50 conversations or over a period of years, and I can clearly see how it’s limiting them and keeping them from accomplishing what they want to accomplish?  I’m going to say something.  I see the quotes online about “a real friend . . . ” and then a bunch of stuff that sounds all romantic and beautiful . . . but it’s the behavior of an enabler.  It’s how we keep each other in our boxes.  To me,  I feel like I’m being more supportive and more of a friend when I help pull them out of the illusion that is keeping them small.

We have become so afraid of offending someone.  I remember being in a bookstore with my mom in the 90s, and laughing our heads off at a book full of politically correct ways to say something.  Someone isn’t short . . . they’re vertically challenged.  Bawahahahahahahah!  We were laughing at how ridiculous this “politically correct” way of speaking was becoming such a thing.  Guess what?  Once upon a time, when I was in school and someone was being an idiot . . . we weren’t afraid to say, “You’re being retarded.”

Also, now with the bullying thing, we’re afraid to be truthful to anyone because we don’t want to hurt their feelings.  Discernment people.  Discernment.  There is bullying and yes that is hell on earth for a great many people, and YES that needs to be addressed.  But accepting people for who they really ARE . . . and supporting people’s dysfunctional behaviors are two different things.  I support YOU . . . but I do not support the dysfunctional behavior that is preventing you from being who you ARE.  You are NOT your dysfunction.  “Oh, but what if this is just how I am.”  Well, if you’re miserable and bitter and suffering and complaining . . . then I have news for you . . . it’s NOT who you are.

So many times I can see, clear as day, what is going on with someone.  How they’re limiting themselves.  How they’re getting in their own way.  How they’re trapped in an illusion.  And when the moment is right, I say something.  And then what I get is an onslaught of no that’s not it, no but this is why I do this, and that doesn’t work for me, and I tried that before.  Just on and on.  All of the self-justifications they tell themselves that keeps them exactly in the place they profess to not want to be anymore.

And that’s when my need to understand gets in my own way.  I start listening to all of the things they tell themselves for why that isn’t true . . . and then I fall into their illusion with them.  Then I hear myself repeating that for them too.  I also figure that they must know themselves better than I do . . . so I don’t say anything more.  That, my friends, is one way in which we enable and keep each other down.

Sometimes I don’t know why someone is struggling.  That’s when I say, “I don’t know” and I just keep listening.  But then there are moments that I see with clarity (Aries) exactly the situation.  But where I disempower myself, is that when the person tells me that I’m wrong (oh, no . . . that’s not the reason why . . . blah blah blah) and then I back off . . . I lose confidence in myself.  I start to doubt myself and my clarity.  I start to get lost in the fog of confusion along with my friend.  Then I start falling into similar situations as them.  Then I find myself trying to climb back out of the hole on my own without them because they don’t want to see the way out.  Then I feel guilty for leaving them in the dark.

So I am realizing, that me speaking up when I get those moments of clarity IS a part of who I am.  And instead of folding and going down the rabbit hole with my friend, I need to stand my ground in what I know to be true.  I’m just not someone who can stand there and watch someone take themselves or others down.  I just can’t.  When I do, I have to lose that part of me that is like that.  My will, my confidence, my passion for life.  I have to sacrifice those things in myself when I stay around someone who is doing that, but refuses to see it or to do something about it.

I don’t want to lose that part of myself ever, ever again.  So if you’re looking for a friend to support you indefinitely in your self limiting illusions . . . then I’m not the person you want as a friend.  It’s nothing personal.  It’s just not who I am.

I want to be surrounded by people open to life and open to growing.  People who are humble enough to see their own faults and own up to them.  People who support and appreciate me, the real me, and who also try to hold me to that standard.  If you see bullshit in something I’m saying, call me out.  Be open to discussing it in a non-defensive manner.  Don’t go all passive on me.  Call.me.out.  I appreciate and respect that.

I do not wish to be surrounded by people who insist on being closed down and victims their whole life.  People who are still repeating the same complaints now as they did 20 years ago.  People who are more interested in getting attention for their struggle, than in actually doing something about it to improve their lot in life.  It’s FINE if you don’t want to change.  I don’t care.  If that’s your *thing* then have fun.  But.  I don’t want to be around it.  I don’t have to be around it.  I get to make that choice for myself and it has NOTHING to do with accepting someone unconditionally or not.  I do accept them.  I accept that they are like that.  But accepting or loving someone unconditionally does not mean you have to be around it.  That’s THEIR choice to not grow or change.  Not mine.

That whole, “you can’t control others, you can only control your response to them” is exactly what that’s about.  You can’t make someone change.  They have to make that choice.  If their choices make it so that you become less of yourself or starts to harm you . . . you need to make a choice yourself.  To stay and continue the damage and be an enabler (which again . . . isn’t a judgment, it’s simply an option and a choice), or to chose to not be around it.

It may be misunderstood, it may make them angry, it may make them retaliate . . . and that’s because they’re scared.  They’re scared they can’t do it without you.  And that’s normal . . . that’s expected.  But how are they ever going to move past their fear if they never have to face it or push through it?  People need to be tested.  People need to be challenged.  If you keep helping them *just* because they’re scared . . . you are limiting them.  I don’t know how many times I’ve found that the very thing that scared me the most, is the thing I needed to be running towards . . . not away.

For example, my son struggles with the idea of trying to make it on his own out in the world.  He’s scared he’s not going to be able to do it.  So he comes up with a million logical reasons why he has to procrastinate it or not do this or that at all.  He’s scared.  If I become scared with him, and don’t push him because I’m afraid he’ll fail too . . . then I’m enabling and limiting him.  Because I know for a matter of fact, that getting out in the world is exactly what he needs to do.  He has a Capricorn MC just like me, so I know that he needs to do this process in a slow and steady manner.  So I slowly and steadily point him in that direction.  I see he’s scared . . . but I know he can do it . . . so I continue to march along with him showing him the way.

People may think they don’t want to be called out on their stuff . . . but when it happens . . . the result is usually a feeling of relief.  Like finally!  Someone isn’t letting me get away with my own bullshit.

I feel that to be more loving and supportive.  A short moment of awkwardness or discomfort . . . but then growth and forward movement for both.  Much more satisfying than a lifetime of suffering and zero growth . . . but hey . . . at least I always agreed with ya.

funny-statue-bull-stilts-sculpture

5am Floor Revelations

I tend to get up at the crack of dawn (5am) so that I have time each day just for me.  It’s quiet because no one else is crazy enough to get up that early on purpose.  It’s when I do my writing, contemplation, meditation . . . just whatever it is that feels good for me.

So this morning was spent laying face down in the carpet with me questioning just how important “me time” really is, when I felt an emotional block suddenly give in me and a whole new world reopened within me.

It came as a sneak attack single thought, “I get to feel whatever I’m feeling.”

In the moment of surprise, before brain was able to interrupt, I saw a flash of insight on just how important this was for me.  If I am feeling something, even if it goes against everything I think I know . . . even if it seems like a “bad” feeling that I shouldn’t (or don’t want to) have . . . I NEED to let myself still feel it.

When I try to pretend I don’t feel something because I’ve either made a snap judgment about it, or feel like others would misunderstand, the feeling doesn’t go away . . . it just becomes repressed.  I just numb the feeling.  Pretend it’s not real.  Which is telling myself that it’s not okay to feel it.  That I’m wrong or bad to feel it.  Except that no matter what I want or don’t want, the feeling is still there regardless.

How will I ever understand why I’m feeling it or what it means if I refuse to even allow myself to have it?  Every time I have followed a feeling, it’s rarely meant or been as big of a deal as I first thought it would be.  But when I repress it . . . down the road it explodes out of me and THEN it does become a big deal, usually involving casualties.

Here’s a scenario to help illustrate what I mean.

Let’s say there is a married couple.  Marie and George.  They’ve been together for many years and they are a very loving, committed couple.  But then one day, Marie is at her weekly book club, and a new guy joins the group.  They make introductions and everything is cool.  She doesn’t think anything of it.

However, the next day, Marie finds that her thoughts keep going to the new man she met.  And when she does think of him, she feels things . . . things she shouldn’t be feeling towards another man . . . because she’s married.  She would never dream of cheating on George.  So she can’t feel those feelings.  She’s not one of *those* women.  (<–judge much?)  So she refuses to let herself acknowledge or feel those feelings.  She makes them leave her head.

That’s how simple repression is.

Now, back to my early morning floor revelation.  From the perspective I had this morning, Marie should instead honor her feelings.  Take some space and time for herself, and let herself feel into the feelings without trying to make them right or wrong.  Instead of immediately jumping to the conclusion that having those feelings means it will lead to an affair, let the feelings have a chance to express why they are there at all.  What are they trying to tell Marie?

To take it one step further, George, as her committed and loving partner . . . should be someone that she is able to safely talk to about what she is feeling without either person feeling threatened, shutting down, or having a meltdown.  It should be a safe space.  That’s how you build real trust.

There should be an understanding, that while they are a committed couple . . . they are *still* individuals within a partnership, and EACH are entitled to have and experience their very own feelings without it meaning it’s the end of the world or throwing accusations, blame, or fault.

Let’s say George is that kind of partner, and Marie feels safe enough to discuss it with him.  She lets him know that she recently met a man in her book club, and that she was feeling an attraction to him and it’s concerning her that she’s feeling that.  George, in all his wisdom, understands that Marie is trusting and opening up to him . . . and that in itself is a good sign of how strong their relationship is, so he let’s her know that he’s there to listen and help her understand her feelings.

Now Marie is feeling safe and supported in her feelings, and feels okay to explore what’s actually going on in her feelings with him.  Maybe after having an open conversation with George, each expressing their own feelings about it, they both discover together that Marie has been feeling a little neglected by George because he’s had to work some extra hours at the office.  It doesn’t have to be anyone’s fault . . . it just is what it is.

But now, by openly communicating and trusting each other, they’ve both become aware of it and can work together to help meet the needs of both.

At her next book club, Marie finds that the pull isn’t so strong with the new man, because she feels very loved and supported by her current partner and has no wish or desire to disrupt that.  The guy still looks hot . . . but he’s not George.  ; )

We have feelings for a reason.  They tell us what’s what.  They tell us when something is wrong . . . they tell us when something is right.  It is because of them that we get to feel love.  It is because of them that we get to feel joy and happiness.  And yes, they are also what allows us to feel grief, sorrow, and pain.

But if you ignore, avoid, and repress the ones you don’t like or understand because you don’t want to deal with what they’re trying to tell you, then you will also start to lose the ability to feel the good ones.  Feelings come from our heart.  They need to be felt and they need to be honored.  Unless you’re a robot.  Then carry on.

Not many people are fortunate enough to have someone in their life that they can be this open and trusting with, and that’s truly a shame.  But you can start with yourself.  Let yourself feel whatever it is you’re feeling.  The more controversial, the better.  It’s kind of like hearing the juiciest gossip about someone you know really well, (“No.way.  No she didn’t.  O.O  Shut the front door!  That slut!”) except it’s about yourself.

But no matter how guilty or shameful you think any of your feelings are . . . you get to feel them.  That is your God-given right.  They are yours to feel, have, and acknowledge.

What I think is most important to understand about this, is that you have the right to have these feelings AND you should still be able to expect to be accepted, supported, and loved by trusted others in your life even if they differ from their own feelings.  And if they’re truly worthy of someone’s trust, they will.

Some may need patience and time to learn a new way of being.  And a role model to know what it looks like in practical use.  You can be that person.

Now, if you'll excuse me . . . I have some things to do

Now, if you’ll excuse me . . . I have some things to do