Waking From My Own Nightmare

This post I’m doing strictly for me.  It’s something I need.  This isn’t easy for me.

I am seeing a lifelong cycle in me that I’ve repeated countless times.  I don’t want to repeat it anymore.  It’s been slowly destroying me over time.

It’s to do with my relationships with men.  And until now . . . until these last 24 hours . . . I’ve always seen the situations from their point of view.  I’ve been completely understanding of their side, and I’ve never recognized my own feelings about it.  I feel an opportunity at the moment to finally let those feelings come through, and so I’m going to give it a go.

This is not about trying to make myself look good or to bash the men from my past.  My own part in all of this is not any healthier or better than the part the men played.  But I’ve always given voice to their side of the situation, and today I am in great need of giving my side a voice.

I very easily give of myself and ask for nothing in return.  I didn’t know I did it.  And I don’t mean that I did this in a “I’m so good and pure I didn’t even know I was being taken advantage of” kind of way, I mean I did it in a very unhealthy and disempowered way.  There is a *true* way of giving of self and asking for nothing in return vibration that is in alignment with the Divine and is truly a compassionate and unconditional Love.  But this . . . what I have been doing in my intimate relationships, is *not* of that vibration.

I give all of myself in relationships, to men who are unable to give anything of themselves.  Who are in fact, unaware of anyone outside of themselves.  I am not accustomed to receiving anything from my partner.  Whether material gifts, emotional support, etc.  But I am accustomed to being restricted and controlled . . . owned.  They can do whatever they want, but I must toe the line.  They are the nicest guys.  Their reasons for why they do what they do make complete and total sense to me.  They are convinced themselves that they are nice guys.

My ex-husband, who I divorced when my son was still a baby, hadn’t worked since I was 8 months along in pregnancy.  I had an emergency C-section which is considered major surgery.  I was scared to death to sneeze or cough because it felt like all my internal organs would come out.  I was exhausted.  But my husband had completely withdrawn from me and the baby.  He refused to help with the baby ever.  He refused to help with anything at all.

I was still in high school at the time.  I had to take the baby with me and put him in daycare while I was in school.  I then took a bus into downtown to work a part time job I had gotten.  I don’t remember who watched the baby while I did that, but I can assure you it was some convoluted process which was completely ridiculous in nature.  I would then get home late in the evening and cook dinner and make bottles and whatever else had been neglected during the day.  My husband just sat in the living room playing some imaginary game along the lines of dungeons and dragons.  This was all just in the first two months of my son’s life.

Towards the end of the marriage, there is one memory in particular that just blows my mind and I have never understood.  At the time we were staying with my dad in another state.  I had gotten another job there shortly after we arrived, at a Supercenter being built in town.  I often worked 80 hours a week.  I lost about 90 lbs. in the first couple of months of working because I didn’t eat very much and did a lot of physical labor.

I had to pay for a babysitter to watch the baby in the same house that my husband sat in all day.  At $5/hr I made a dime over minimum wage.  I still had to get up all night with the baby.  The one time I shoved my husband out of bed to make him get the baby because I was exhausted, I woke up to him growling in a menacing manner to the baby to shut the fuck up.  Which resulted in me punching something hard and metal next to my bed in order to get my anger out before I marched over to him and the baby, calming myself before gently taking the baby and laying him back in the crib and then grabbing a hold of my husband and dragging him into another room to tell him that if I ever heard him talking or treating the baby in that way again, I would fucking kill him.

I was starved, sleep deprived, and dealing with an adult child who saw himself as superior to me and would yell things at me like how I was the stupidest fucking person he had ever met.  Years later, I’d find out that him and his family would laugh and make fun of me behind my back because they thought I was so gullible and would believe anything.  Fine.  Whatever.

Eventually I asked for a divorce.  In which case he decided it would be a good idea to get a job now to impress me.  He did get a job.  I was not impressed.  I was exhausted and done.  But now to the scenario that I’ll never understand.  He had his first paycheck in hand.  I had mine.  We borrowed a car and went shopping.  I put my stuff on the conveyor belt to pay from my paycheck.  Every single solitary item was a necessity.  Baby food, diapers, etc.  Now, keep in mind that I was the only one who had worked since the baby had been born and every penny had been going to his care.

The cashier rang my stuff up . . . I didn’t have enough money.  I was literally handing over every dime of my paycheck for things I HAD to have to make it until the next paycheck and have enough supplies for the baby.  I needed every single diaper.  I looked to my husband, and I asked if he could please get one of the packages of diapers with his money.  And the man about had a temper tantrum right there in line.  This was my place of work, so I was completely embarrassed by his behavior but also FURIOUS at his attitude.  I gave him the death stare.  He said, “Fine!  That means I’ll have to put back a pair of my sunglasses!”

Which is when I looked at all of the stuff on the conveyor belt and saw that all of it, every single bit of, was stuff for him personally.  Clothes, TWO pairs of sunglasses, along with a bunch of other stupid shit he didn’t need.  Not a single thing for the baby.  Not even a small something for me, his wife and mother of his child who had been killing herself to keep the family afloat.  And the fact that I had to have a fight with him in the middle of a store in order to make him pay for one package of diapers.  Besides his sperm, that was the only other contribution he made to his son.

My dad and step mom were not happy with my decision to divorce.  My dad saw it as me being just like my mother and pulling a man’s child away from him.  So on top of all of it, when I came home at night, I had to see my own family being buddy, buddy with my husband and telling him he didn’t have to leave, he could stay as long as he wanted.  And I was the shunned evil ice queen.  Fine.  Whatever.  I’ll just go be busy with being responsible while everyone else eats grapes and chocolate on their high horses.

Another relationship that comes to mind, was a little later in my life when I was back in Washington state, and was working at my first office job.  I made better money, but still not enough to fully support me and my son.

I started dating an engineer.  To me, this was a huge step up because . . . well he had a job.  I had remembered how stressful it had been on me to not have my husband working and me being leaned on financially so I didn’t want to do that to another person.  He made good money, but I didn’t want him to think that’s why I was with him.

But here’s the part I’m just now realizing I should probably be angry about, but I never felt like I had any right to be mad about.

At this time I was making about $8/hr.  After killing myself making $5/hr . . . this was heaven.  But I also had more expenses, such as gas for a four hour daily commute.  Most of my clothes had come from charity and were well worn.  At the time I had a nasty smoking habit.  Ironically, it was the one thing I spent money on for myself.  I’m pretty sure subconsciously I was hoping they did kill me.  Also because I spent money on them, I had to cut from somewhere else in my expenditures, and the only other negotiable choice was my food.  For two years, I basically lived on Diet Dr. Pepper and cigarettes.  Except for the occasional times people took me out for meals.  I was so skinny, it hurt to sit because my bones would bruise my skin.

Just trying to set the scene, and no, I did not make great choices but I was a single divorced mom by 19 . . . so give me a break.

So things got serious with this guy and we eventually moved in together.  He used to take me to downtown Seattle to the (now) Macy’s to go clothes shopping.  For himself.  He would say, “Hey!  Do you want to go with me clothes shopping?”, and I was all “YEAH!” and then several hundred dollars later he’d be packing his new car with a whole new wardrobe for himself.

I was excited for him to be able to do this for himself, because I am the kind of person who is genuinely happy for other’s happiness.  But as the day wore on and I realized that there was ZERO intention of me getting any new clothes, I found myself many times trying not to burst into tears right there in the middle of the store.  I felt so pathetic, standing there in my clothes from charity, and having selfishly thought that he had maybe wanted to surprise me and do something for me.  I told myself at the time that I shouldn’t expect that of him because it is his money and he does get to choose what he does with it.  I blamed myself for making such a rash assumption and then causing myself undue disappointment.

There was the time he dragged me into the Versace store.  To again show off how much his jeans were that he had bought there.  This wasn’t just a one time thing, he did things of this nature the entire relationship.

Did I mention that he made 6 figures at the time?

We once got into a huge fight because I was having a hard time paying my half of the rent.  I had childcare costs, which is the equivalent of a mortgage payment in it’s own right.  So, yes, I was struggling to pay my HALF of the rent to a man I was in a serious relationship with.  At the time it seemed “fair” and I fucking beat myself up emotionally for being such a loser that I wasn’t able to keep up with the expenses off of my very modest paycheck.

We got in a fight over toilet paper.  He said I used way too much toilet paper.  I asked if he had ever lived with a woman before, because bitches use a lot of toilet paper.  I asked if he wanted me to stop wrapping up the tampons and just throw them straight into the garbage, blood and all.  He told me to stop being so wasteful and ridiculous.  I told him to fuck off.  I had my limits, and apparently toilet paper was one of them.

He traveled all over.  Without me.  He went to visit his family at home in Ireland.  He went to Vegas.  Up to Canada with his friends.  He was living quite the life while we were together.  But very little of it had anything to do with me.  After the initial “falling in love” phase, he never made me feel like I was beautiful to him.  More like I was just a hot piece of ass.  Big difference.  He acted like I was some gold-digging burden when in fact I bent over backwards trying to show that it wasn’t about the money for me.  I was all in for the relationship and him.  To him I was just this pretty object he pulled down from the shelf every once in awhile when he was bored or needed to get his rocks off.  There wasn’t much more of him present in the relationship.  He mostly tolerated me.

I went from relationship to relationship with similar outcomes.  The guy was always totally stuck in himself even as he convinced me that the things he did were for me.  And I believed it.  But in hindsight, I can see how all of it can be traced back to themselves.  They weren’t in a relationship with me, they were in a relationship with my body and then some made up picture they projected over the top of me.  So, basically a relationship with themselves.

But to be fair, I was doing the same.  Projecting a much prettier picture over them from myself.  I used to say and I still want to say that I loved them because of the soul I saw inside . . . and maybe that is true at some level.  But at the personal level, I wasn’t in love with who the men really were, I was in love with how I thought they were based on who I was inside.  My interpretations of their behavior was based on how I saw and experienced the world . . . not the truth of the situation.

Eventually I took an 8 year break from relationships altogether.  To understand who I was outside of a relationship.  Somewhere at the 6 year mark I had a couple of flings and saw that nope, I’m not ready yet to get back out dating.  Still attracting douches.

Which brings us up to a couple of years ago.  By this time I was making a good living and able to fully support me and my son on my own.  I thought this would change my relationship dynamics.  I’m good on my own now, both emotionally and financially.  I don’t have to be in a relationship if I don’t want to.  Therefore, I will be less likely to repeat my cursed cycle from all those years ago when I was a spring chicken.

But I was wrong.  I put in all I had to try and not repeat my relationship doom . . . and it still happened again.  Because the real issue isn’t to do with money.  It’s an attitude.  A habit.  So even though in my last relationship, we were both fine financially, psychologically it was the same dynamic.  Just incredibly more sophisticated in nature.

It started out with a bang, all in love, la-de-da.  But slowly over time, I was making more and more compromises on my end, while nothing changed on the other end.  So sure that this relationship was meant to be, I put away all thoughts that maybe it wasn’t meant to work and set to work to doing whatever was needed in order to make it succeed.

They say relationships are about compromise.  So if he was stuck and didn’t know how to get around an obstacle, I’d step in and help him work it out.  Until one day I realized that nothing had ever actually moved forward in the relationship, but that now all of my time was being focused on him and helping him become “unstuck”.  He didn’t have to work and had zero responsibilities except to feed, shower, and clothe himself . . . and he had all of my time and attention.  I work full time, I’m a mom, I have pet(s), I have a household to run, I’m over here in the USA doing everything by myself . . . and now I was also giving my undivided attention to helping him figure things out so that he could get out in life.

In my mind, I thought I was investing and building a strong foundation for the two of us for our future.  I was dedicated and determined to figuring out this relationship phenomenon.  I sacrificed and compromised.  When I said this was hard trying to make things works across a continent and an ocean, he said yes it was hard for him too.  And in the midst of my insanity I thought that he really did understand how hard this was all on me.  Because again,  I projected my understanding onto him.

He’s never had to work a day in his life.  He doesn’t have the first fucking clue what I was living through this last two years.  That’s just a perfect example of how we trip ourselves up.  I should have KNOWN he didn’t really understand or know what this was all doing to me.  I should have known that someone who doesn’t have any real responsibilities, is just plain incapable of understanding my life.  It’s just not possible.

Just like when people say that you can’t understand what it’s like to have kids until you have kids?  And the people without kids get all up in arms and defensive like they’ve been insulted.  It’s because you CANNOT understand what you don’t know or haven’t experienced yourself.  It’s only after you’ve had it or experienced it that you can THEN see that, omg . . . no, I really could not have known that until now.

That was basically our whole relationship in a nutshell.  The issue being that he convinced me that he really did know and understand this or that even though he never did it himself personally, and me having done or experienced those things personally, didn’t believe that I knew better than him.

As I said to him once, he was more confident in his own bullshit than I was in my truth.

Which basically sums up my life.  The root cause of how I become my own worst enemy, relationship after relationship.

So the solution isn’t about those men changing.  There are always going to be dicks around.  They have to even see that they’re being dicks before they can work on changing themselves.  And you have to really want to change yourself in order to put in the hard work required.  So no, that’s not the solution.

What I also don’t want to do is close my heart and become one of them.  That’s not a choice in my book.

So that leaves myself.  I need to lay down better boundaries and enforce them, even at risk of offending or making things awkward.  I can’t do this to myself again.  As I get older, I have a harder time recovering from this level of bullshit mistake.

I have to be more fair to myself.  I have to stand up and protect myself from others who *are* being douchebags.  Not because they don’t deserve love, kindness, and understanding . . . but because it’s a fucking waste of time when someone is all closed up like that.  They will just take and take and take until you’re drained and then toss you aside because you no longer serve a purpose for them.  Sacrificing yourself doesn’t make them “see the light”.  They’re so used to people giving them everything they want and bending over backwards that the people around them just become this blur of stuff that doesn’t really register on their radar or even really care about.

It’s not worth it.  It’s absolutely not worth it.  But maybe if people quit believing their bullshit, and quit fucking enabling them and doing everything for them . . . maybe they’ll be made uncomfortable enough that they finally do choose to fix their shit.  It has to affect them personally before they have motivation to change.  But that’s actually not my concern or my own motivation.  They can choose to change or not change, either way I’m not going to let them have a say in my own life anymore.

Now, some of those fuckers are tricky.  They start using shit like they’ll die if you don’t do this or that for them.  They’ll start acting like they’re just a weak sack of shit that needs you.  “What will I do without you, I can’t make it without you.”  Or say stuff like, “I can’t, but I just can’t.”  No. No.  That’s emotional blackmail.  That’s bullshit.  Don’t coerce or manipulate me into putting up with your bullshit, by hinting, suggesting, or even straight out telling me that the consequences of not putting up with it, could lead to your death or demise.

If you play that shit on me, then I guess you’re going to die if it’s true, because I do not fucking play that game.

I have NOT had an easy life and I have gone through some of the most insane stuff, but time and time again I have had to pull my shit together by sheer will power, and all on my own with little to no support in order to have the life that I have now which is insanely more happy than my childhood.  I refuse to be a victim.  I refuse to be a statistic.  So I’m not going to sit there and allow others to behave in that manner towards me anymore like I’m the one that doesn’t get it or understand their suffering.  I understand TOO well, but that doesn’t mean you get to wimp out in your own life or make other people responsible for your crap.  Pick up your own shit and fix it yourself.

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This Life I Get To Fight For My Own Happiness

I’ve had many personal readings from many astrologers.  Each reading unique and wonderful in their own way.  Each one giving me a different perspective of how I was seen.  Each one giving light to the many different parts of me that normally go unseen by others.  It felt good.

Some of the astrologers who I’ve had personal readings with are very well known in the astrology community, such as Alan Oken, Philip Sedgwick, and Laura Nalbandian.  I had my chart used as an example during Astrology Night at Soul Foods Café in Redmond by Jeff Jawer & Rick Levine.  Meeting and getting to talk with each of these people in person, were all phenomenal experiences in my life.  So many years of gathered personal experience and understanding of the world from their viewpoint, all getting put to use in order to help me find my place in space and time.

I’ve also had astrologers who were just starting out and learning to see with this new perspective that the world of astrology opens you up to.  The readings were definitely a little more *rough*, but they were not any less valuable to me.  I still felt amazement in hearing each person’s own spin or perspective on life.

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I originally got into astrology because besides being curious by nature, I deeply needed to understand how other people saw the world unique and different from me.  It was ultimately to help me understand myself and my place in the world, but I had no comparison to go off of.  If I only ever view the world from my own perspective, how can I understand how my perspective is different or unique.  How can I understand what it is I have that is of value to offer others?

Funny enough, because I was being a total dork, when first studying astrology, I misread my birth certificate time.  They are military documents, and back when they were still using good ole’ typewriters.  After the time, the form options had both AM and PM.  There were two XXs over PM.  Now even though my mom has told me forever that I was born in the early hours, my brain looked at that and thought FOR SURE it meant that it was selecting PM . . . versus crossing it off as the option.

So for the first year of studying astrology, I studied my chart in complete reverse.  A mirror image.  A Libra rising, with Pluto and Uranus in my 1st house instead of my 7th.  So why did it still make total sense to me?  More sense than my real chart of Aries rising?  Because the way my chart is setup, others frequently project the shadows they don’t want to own onto me.  I identified more with how other’s responded to me, more than I identified with my own self . . . so having my 7th house acting as my 1st house made much more sense to me than the other way around.

I am completely convinced that this was done on purpose, whether by some unseen force or my own subconscious because anyone who works with me knows that I don’t make these kind of mistakes with details.  Not just that, I was unable to *un-think* it for an ENTIRE year.  I kept looking back at my birth certificate and I was unable to see it any other way than the two XXs on the PM mean 2:02 PM.  I even had my own mother start to doubt her own memory of when she had had me, it was that strong.

But then one day, I pulled the birth certificate out to look at it again . . . and saw it as I had seen it before . . . when all at once, I felt something unravel, untwist, un-fog inside of me . . . and I saw clearly for the first time that OMG, I’m such an idiot!  The two XXs were blocking out the PM, because my birth was 2:02 AM . . . so those letters were left uncovered.  My whole world flipped upside down.  My head got woozy and disoriented.

So then I rushed to rerun all of my reports and start all over AGAIN learning about my chart, but now with the correct time.  And *that* is when I started to see myself clearly for the first time in my life.  That’s when I first started to learn that there was a possibility that I wasn’t evil incarnate.  That I didn’t in fact understand myself at all, and neither did anyone else.  That all of the things other people had me believing about myself, actually had nothing to do with me at all.

Astrology profoundly changed my life because it was something that I could look at for myself that was outside of any person’s opinion.  It’s a signature energy imprint for the time and location of when I was born that won’t be repeated for nearly 26,000 years.  This is the window to the workings of something that is bigger than any of us alone.  For the first time I was able to get information about me that wasn’t so tainted by other people’s wounds and selfishness.  I was able to start seeing the me that I remembered from when I was a little girl before the darkness of the world closed in on me.

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I saw why I was so scared to be myself.  With Pluto conjunct my descendant, and Uranus in Scorpio in the 7th house . . . being myself could mean my life.  Others in my life tended to be very powerful and a bit erratic.  In the past if, I didn’t toe the line, they had no problems ripping the rug from under my feet.  It left me feeling powerless.  It left me feeling like I was forced to make myself small and invisible in order to not offend in any way possible.  But with Pluto and Uranus in Scorpio . . . you NEVER know what it is that you’re doing that is being offensive.  It’s some sort of secret code of conduct that only they know the rules to, and they refuse to share what those rules are outside of themselves.  They only let you know that one was violated by a violent outburst that comes out of nowhere and disappears just as quickly and everyone pretends like nothing happened.

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I grew up living literally scared to death.

But all I was really trying to say about all of this, is that I’ve spent a good portion of my life outside of my Self, trying to understand and explain life from everyone else’s viewpoint in order to not unwittingly trigger an outburst.  Scorpio/Pluto doesn’t talk about what’s really going on underneath the surface.  It’s the stuff in us that we never say out loud in the company of others.  It’s stuff that we only share with intimate and close people if anyone at all.  Most often it is stuff we won’t even admit to ourselves.

So I was always trying to understand what it is I wasn’t getting about other people because of their strange responses to me, but they’re all locked up tight like Fort Knox.  In order to understand what is going on with them, I was forced to pull out of myself and immerse myself in their world view.  Trying to be understanding of them and their life and their struggles and how it’s not their fault they’re like that.  And that is how I lose my own personal power, how I lose my Self, how I lose my self confidence, and how I become insecure.

Because anyone who knows the Plutonian world, knows that once Pluto has it’s grubby hands on you . . . he’s not going to let you go.  Ever.  Pluto/Scorpio is already dark to begin with, but going into the shadows of that energy?  Omg, you guys, it’s ink black liquid darkness.  That’s where obsession, possession, and murder come out to play.  It.is.scary.

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That’s at it’s worse, but there’s a whole spectrum to Pluto/Scorpio and it’s not all as intense as death and lust.  One of the just starting out astrologers who had given me a reading, saw my north node in Libra in the 7th house.  She started banging on this drum about how I needed to be more aware of other people outside of myself.  Having *just* shared with you how my life really went down . . . I’m hoping maybe you get something of an understanding of how that struck me.  It seriously hurt my feelings over and over.  She’d even call me out on it in the middle of an astrology class she was giving and indirectly shame me in front of everyone.  And I had trusted her and viewed her as a good friend.  I took it as her being real/truthful with me.

But now, after seeing how that relationship went down in flames when she started showing her true colors, I can totally see how she was projecting her own selfishness onto me.  On the outside she seemed to be the one who cared about all of the people around her . . . but she was only ever thinking of herself.  On the outside I only ever seemed to be thinking about me, but really I was only ever thinking about everyone else.

Which brings me to why I was even writing this blog post.  As I said, I love hearing everyone else’s viewpoint about things.  I loved getting readings with people because I’m fascinated with how they view life differently from everyone else.  Astrology is a great structure or topic in which to talk and discuss the world in an alternative way and has a large community.  And having another astrologer do a reading for me, gives me a single focus point in which to compare how everyone’s view differs.  I am the one constant in all of the readings.  Astrology is such that you can tailor the interpretations to your own unique perspective of life.  So seeing how each person interprets my chart, gives me such a rich flavor and experience of the uniqueness in each individual.  They’re all talking about me . . . but really they are all showing me themselves.

And the readings that I value the most, have nothing to do with how famous the person is or how positive of a light they tried to paint me.  The ones that made me cry and touched my heart the deepest, were the ones who spoke from their own power and in their own voice.  I don’t want to be told what you think I want to hear.  You cannot know what I want to hear.  That only ever leads to manipulation, projection, assumptions, misunderstandings, and incorrect expectations.  It’s useless and pointless, and I lose respect for the person and even myself whenever I do it.  It never feels good in either position and it is ultimately giving yourself and your power away.

But the people who told me from their own personal self how they saw my chart?  Those readings had a huge impact on me.  They moved me.  They meant so much to me.  They were the most valuable and priceless gifts ever given to me.

And one in particular has been coming up over and over today and is really what resulted in this whole post, is one where after taking a few moments to study my chart, the woman looked at me and said something to the affect of, “You are here for yourself.  You are here to understand that you matter, that you count.  That others are not more important than you.  You always stand up for others, always willing to fight for the underdog, always willing to sacrifice yourself . . . but you have trouble understanding that you matter too.  And so you are here to learn to fight for yourself and not let yourself get bullied and forced against your will.”

And somehow . . . I’ve already forgotten that.  I forget it over and over.  I’m not here to see the world from everyone else’s viewpoint.  I’m not here to be understanding of another’s situation.  That’s all I’ve ever done in my life.  I’m here to learn how to speak for myself and in my own voice.  I have a unique and individual perspective to share the same as everyone else, and I’m here to learn how to be solidly in mySelf and share only from that space in me.

I’m tired of my own personal perspective and opinion being “wrong” because it’s misunderstood by someone else who is in a darker place than me.  I’m tired of being the one that puts myself out there over and over trying to understand where the offense and misunderstanding is coming from between me and another person.  Every time, after months and sometimes years of digging and trying to understand where the hurt or misunderstanding came from . . . it’s 100% a misunderstanding of what I was actually doing and saying and how the other person CHOSE to see my actions.  Always!  Always, always!

When I’m centered fully in mySelf, I don’t have a mean bone in my body.  The things I do and say are from a pure expression (Aries).  It is me being ME.  I am tired of being guilty until proven innocent and it being me having to put in all of the work in order to ultimately show that I was innocent.  If someone is offended by something I’ve done or said, then I need to start leaving it to them to make the choice to discuss it and better understand who I am.  If they just want to continue to be upset or offended by it, then they can do it outside of my life.

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Who I am, is not something for me to be ashamed or feel bad or guilty about.  It may go against current accepted social protocol, but sometimes social protocol needs to be brought into question because it’s become corrupt and dark.  It doesn’t automatically mean that I’m the one that is wrong or bad.

funny-song-street-singer-girl-dancing

When I’m centered fully in mySelf, all I know is that I am happy.  All I know is that I feel immense love, openness, and joy in my life.  And if that is offensive to others because they can’t see past their own bitterness and darkness, then I’m sorry.  I actually am.  It actually hurts me.  It’s why I get pulled back into the dark over and over, because it literally hurts me to see how true happiness in me, can hurt another human being so much because they have such a lack of it in their life.  It makes me feel so sad and hurt inside for them.

So I want to be this tough girl who doesn’t care about what other people think, but I DO care.  I care immensely, and not just because I care about what they think of ME, but because I care about how they suffer in themselves.  I can feel it.  My Neptune/Moon feels it all.  The heartbreak I feel in so many people in my life just about does me in.  But I can’t do it anymore.  I can’t go back into the dark.  I’m tired and I’ve been fighting this my whole life, and I just don’t have anymore in me to fight for other people’s happiness.

So yes, I care about each and every person who ever crosses my path.  And all I ever want is to be of use, to help lessen your suffering . . . to help you smile again or to help you not give up.

But that is not my fight in this lifetime.  My fight is now for my own happiness.  My fight is in learning how to let go of feeling like an evil douche when I see that someone is feeling hurt, and I can’t stop and try to understand what is wrong and try to make it all better for them.  That I have to let them feel however they need or choose to feel.  That their feelings are not my responsibility.  That they need to learn how to speak for themselves, even while trapped in the dark.

funny-cat-dollar-hugging-money

It’s also a part of incorporating my own shadow of Pluto & Uranus in Scorpio.  I’m going to sometimes appear on the surface to others as a selfish prick by just being me.  And I have to let go of trying to control that and let others think whatever they want about me.  I have to let them do what I’ve learned myself from running into similar situations.  Learn to speak up.  Say something.  Don’t leave it all on the other person.  If you never say anything, or ask, or discuss it with the other person, how will you ever really know what they were thinking or doing without projecting onto them your own reality?

So . . . anyways, that’s what was going on today in my head.  How about you?

Putting The Person Back In Personal

So it looks like it’s about that time where I’m going to have to start interviewing for jobs again.

Which holds so many levels of personal terror, that I can’t even.

It brings up all of my insecurities.  It triggers my survival mode which then commences the “worst possible scenarios” loop sequence in my mind’s eye over and over.  I start living in my own personal theater of hell.

I try to push through it with things like . . . well like breathing for starters.

But this morning when I got up to start writing in my journal, I found that I was absolutely tired of living in this fear surrounding this area of my life.  And the only way I know how to truly conquer a fear of mine, is to face it head on with eyes wide open.

I get in it’s personal space and I stare it straight in the eyeball.

So while writing I asked myself why?  Why is this scaring me to death?  Why does it always scare me to death?  Why do I avoid really seeing and understanding this whole area of my life?

{Staring at it.}

The great thing about truly being done with your own bullshit, is that your questions become more direct and clear . . . and so do your answers.

I hate the whole process (job hunting) from start to finish, because I have no clarity or understanding about my own skills.  I have no clarity in my own skills because my entire career has been built from approaching jobs in a “I just need a job to survive and support my family” kind of way, and then I make myself find reasons to love the jobs I receive so that I excel at them and so that I can continue to support my family.

My focus has always been on what was easily apparent and noticeable about my skillset or previous jobs, that would be enticing to other companies.  Basically, “What do you want to hear?”  Because I *know* I can do whatever job I get.  All I’m trying to do is find ways to help the prospective employer understand that as well.

So I never actually dove into my own personal interests.  I never took time to understand for myself what things I’m actually good at or what it is that I really want to be doing or focusing on in my career.  It never occurred to me that maybe I’ve gathered enough skills and knowledge in the last twenty years or so, that this is now an option.

This old perception, which began when I was a teenager, has always left me feeling powerless and at the mercy of others.  I was always grateful for whatever I got.  I always worked myself to death to prove they had made a good decision in choosing me.  It’s truly an awful feeling and not the best perspective to live life from.  I mean, I’m good while I have a job . . . but start threatening my job and I become a frozen statue of terror.

Like I said last week, it feels like it’s time for a change.

For me personally, what makes me feel confident and open, is knowledge.  Information.  Why does this whole area of my life scare me?  Because I do not understand myself in that capacity or in relation to others.  I do not truly comprehend or see what skills or value I bring to the table of life.  If I don’t have this information and I do not understand it, then 1) how can I effectively communicate it to a prospective employer and 2) how do I know what direction I want to go in my career personally?

Hence.  The TERROR.  AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

But now I see the issue.  And now I can see the solution.  And now I can see the backside of TERROR as it turns tail to start running from me.

So I grabbed one of my blank dream journals and made it my notebook in which I will use to focus my efforts in this endeavor.  I am going to start combing through my work experience, starting with my current job, and I’m going to start writing down what I can come up with.

But that’s not the whole problem, and in fact . . . that is a very small part of the problem for me.  The key thing missing from my understanding is “in relation to others”.  I do not understand how I compare or how I stand out as an individual from the rest of the 7 billion people.  So, I’m not just going to rely on myself for my quest.  I’m going to get out there and start asking *you* guys.

So heads up if you’re in my other networks. 😀 And don’t avoid me either.  I’m tenacious. Oh! {writes that down in notebook}

Now, when I say that I am going to be asking others.  I don’t mean I’m asking for them to tell me FOR me what I’m good at or what my skills are.  I’m not trying to be lazy about it.  I plan on coming up with my own perspective.  But what is incredibly valuable to me that I can’t get from myself, is how other’s experience me personally.

To clarify further (pay attention, this will be on the test), while interacting with me (job, Starbucks’s line, comments section) what do *you* personally feel or experience with me that stands out for you in your mind.  The key point being, what is your own personal experience.

Not how would you word *me* in your resume, or let’s think about what I *think*  Jenn values and focus my comment around that.  No . . . I mean, in your own self, in your own world separate from the opinions of the planet and the channel 9 news team . . . what about me, stood out for you personally that you appreciated?

Jenn, wtf does that even mean?  And omg are you trying to tell me how to give you feedback?  Why should I even give it in the first place?  What’s in it for me?  Acting like I owe you or something.  Shoot.  Homegirl be trippin.

I know! I know!

I’m always trippin.  It’s cool.  It’s how I move through life.

This is valuable to me, because it’s the only way I am personally able to understand how I stand out from the rest of the world.

And truth be told, I feel like the ability to connect at a personal level has become lost to our world.  More and more I feel people no longer understand what that actually means.  We don’t talk to people anymore, we talk at them.  We walk around with our guards up 24/7 to the point that even we ourselves no longer know how we personally feel about things anymore.

We are losing who we are as individuals in the process.

Personal feelings, perspectives, and experiences are valuable to everyone.  But from the moment we are born, we are told how to feel and see everything, based on other’s perspectives and experiences.  In school we are taught how to see the world from the perspective of some vague “them”.  We’re told that to get along in life, you better have the perspective of your employer.

At no point are we encouraged to understand who we are as an individual or guided to understanding how to best incorporate that gift we bring into the whole so that we may all benefit from it.

No . . . we insist on perpetuating the dysfunction for everyone FOREVER, because fuck the individual.

This approach and attitude, is killing humanity’s spirit as a whole.  We are all dying from it.  I don’t want to die from that.  I want to die from too much happy or by rainbow or something.  I don’t know, but I don’t want to die because of *this*.

I want to understand my gift as an individual and I want to find the best way to incorporate that into the current structure so that as many can benefit from what I have to offer as possible.

So . . . I have to start somewhere, and this is where I’ve decided to start it.

Okay wait, first I have to go pee, and then I’ll start.

 resume cat

When You Can Love Through Your Fear

The people I surround myself with in life, whether they are coworkers, (online) friends, acquaintances, family . . . are some of the most loving people I have ever met.

I’ve found that the most loving people, are often the most creative people I’ve ever met.  They amaze me.

I’ve found that the most creative people, are often the most sensitive people I’ve ever met.

And I’ve found that the most sensitive people . . . are often the most defensive and tend to easily close off from others or shut down on themselves.

I’ve found that closed off people, often feel misunderstood by outsiders.

I’ve found that people who feel misunderstood, often feel alone and isolated in the world.

I’ve found that the ones who feel alone and isolated, often feel a great deal of fear and insecurity.

So I’ve come to understand . . .

That the most loving people . . . are quite often the ones who feel the most alone and heartbroken about the world in which they live, and are quite often the ones who feel the most fearful and insecure.

The lovers, the dreamers, . . . the candlestick makers.

: P

Something else all of these people have in common, is getting in their own way.

Because they are some of the most creative people, they are able to come up with the most creative reasons and excuses for why they can’t do something.  All of them sound totally legit.  Totally understandable.

I’m going to shift gears here for a moment (<– look at me being all considerate and warning you).

In my own personal experiences, when a person is being closed or defensive, in that moment:

  1. They are not usually able to recognize that they are being closed or defensive.
  2. They’re unable to exercise discernment.

How this may appear in a real life situation is by denial (“I’m NOT being defensive!” or “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” or “I don’t know.”) and everything can become a black and white issue.

When you are in defense mode, you are in “prove it” mode.  This leads to using mind/logic/rational only.  Why?  Because what do you think you’re defending?  What are you protecting?

Your heart, your inner core feelers.

If your guard has gone up, you’ve put a wall between the situation and your heart (who you are at your core), in order to protect the most sensitive part of you.

(Btw, in an emergency, where you need to think with a clear head and not your feelers, this separation between head and heart occurs . . . so it’s basically a survival instinct gone amuck.  Doesn’t matter if it’s a fear of being eaten by a bear or if it’s a fear of falling in love . . . the body’s all like NOPE.)

That means your heart doesn’t get to weigh in and practice discernment regarding the truth of the situation or what you TRULY feel about it.  You’re basically running blind.

It’s the areas of your life that you tend to launch into sheer logic/rational about because it’s where/when you tend to close the iron fortress doors in order to protect your heart (and you . . . because this is the part of yourself that you identify with the most).

Are you not doing something because you are afraid of doing it, or are you not doing something because it’s not “time” for it to happen, or are you not doing something because it’s not meant to happen?

When you approach a situation with a closed/defensive stance (and there isn’t a single person who can exclude themselves from this category), you can’t tell the difference.  You need to also be connected to your feelers, your heart, your core self in order to be able to distinguish the way or decision meant for YOU specifically in any given moment.

When you don’t connect to your own feelings and take responsibility for them (whether protecting them, speaking up for them, owning them, acting on them, showing them, sharing them, etc.), then the choices you make in life become based on things that do not support and nurture your heart . . . they only support the mind.  And that is a very cold and unsatisfying life.  Nothing material will ever, ever fill that void.

So back to the peeps in my life.  I love you guys . . . like a LOT.  But you make the most insane and elaborate excuses for why you aren’t happy or why things aren’t working out for you.  It’s ALWAYS something.  Always, always, always something.  I’ve heard (and used) every single imaginable excuse in the existence of all existences.

But that’s all it is . . . an excuse.  An excuse to not challenge or face your fears.  You’re afraid.  That’s all it is.  There aren’t any real obstacles in your way, except you and your fears having tea time.

So what if the worst possible outcome happens?  So what if it doesn’t look or turn out how you thought?

I’ll tell you a little something.  When you do whatever you’re doing with a fully open heart . . . none of that matters.  It doesn’t matter even a single teeny, tiny bit.  It’s all wonderful, it’s all magical, it’s all an adventure that you GET to experience in this existence that we call life.

When you can genuinely smile and giggle, even through your tears and heartbreak . . .

That’s when you’ll know that you’re living with an open heart.

 dog spoon lobster

 

I’m Retiring From Giving A Damn

I’ve had it.  I’m just done.  {With what? Tell us!  Tell us!}

I’m tired of analyzing things to death.  I’m tired of trying to figure out how to be me, but not break any of the fifty-eleven “rules” of what it means to be a considerate and respectful member of the human race, and tying myself into pretzel knots from head to toe.

Am I being offensive? Am I being fair?  Am I being respectful?  Am I being sensitive?

Well how should I know?  I can’t know that for everyone else.  Honestly, it’s a little on the ridiculous side for me to have such expectations of myself.

I’m tired of explaining . . . I’m tired of clarifying . . . I’m tired of trying to guess what’s going on with someone else.

That’s what I’m done with.

So here’s what’s going to happen for me.  I’m going to focus on my own feelings.  I’m going to do what feels good.  I’m not going to do what doesn’t feel good.

If it offends, is insensitive, or hurts someone’s feelings . . . then whoever that is can choose to speak up and say something to me or not.

Otherwise, I’m not going to waste anymore of my time trying to figure out what I may have or have not done to someone else.

To be perfectly honest, I just don’t care anymore.

Do I speak too much, do I not speak enough, why do others go silent, why don’t they say what they’re feeling, is it me, is it them, is it projection, is it projected . . . it’s fucking crazy making is what it is.

So I’m done.

I’m going to do what I do, and how I want to do it.  If others care to join along in the fun, then awesome . . . if not . . . fine.

I love people and I love having them in my life.

But I’m no longer going to bend over backwards to be so understanding of everyone else, and totally neglect my own feelings.  That’s just stupid.

I suppose I was being concerned that if I was just being myself, that nobody would want to be my friend.  And again, that’s just stupid.  And again again, I just don’t care anymore.

I’m done apologizing for myself.  I am who I am and you can either like me for that or . . . you can piss off.

I.don’t.care.

I do what I want

Mirror Mirror On The Wall

There is a period in our development as children where we do a lot of pretending as we learn about the world around us.  We do things like play doctor or house.  We pretend to be an elephant or a mouse.  It’s a kind of learning through mimicking.  This playful energy is known as Gemini in the zodiac.

Once while I was standing in line at a Starbucks, a young girl of maybe 4 or 5 had walked right up and stood beside me in line.  She perfectly mimicked me, all of the way down to facial expression.  She did it so full heartedly and without apology.  I looked at her, and just for a split second, I had wondered if she was mocking me.  But then realized she was actually giving me a powerful insight into myself.

As a person with Sun and Jupiter conjunct in Gemini . . . I understood intrinsically what she was doing.  The little angel wasn’t mocking me . . . she was wanting to know what it felt like to be like me.

Now, Gemini is known as a “superficial” sign, meaning it’s not trying to understand the subject with immense depth and complexities, it’s just trying things out to get a feel for it.  So the little girl was obviously not trying to see what it was like to be all of me, but the me that she could easily recognize and see on the outside.

This “mini me” held her version of the serious pose of mine for long enough, that I had to struggle to not bust out laughing at how freaking adorable she was being in all her seriousness.  She was also giving me a miniature reflection of just how serious I held myself.

Then her mother called her back to her, and she immediately let go of the pose and went back into a little girl butterfly with arms and legs fluttering her way back to mom.  It was a truly magical transformation that she made so effortlessly.  It affected me profoundly, moving me to tears.

It was the beginning of a valuable insight regarding me and my interaction with others.  Why people mistake me for being so much more serious than I actually am.

In my house of other, you’ll find Pluto in Libra and Uranus in Scorpio.  These both (because of the Pluto/Scorpio influence) are a couple of tight-lipped, secretive mother-fluffers.  As I was growing up, I wasn’t getting much information from them . . . so I would mimic them.  I would put my body in the way they held their body, make my face the way they made their face, use the tone they used, saying the things they said.  I quickly learned to do it in private, because I wasn’t as fortunate as the girl who had found her way to me in that Starbuck’s line.  My mimicking was not appreciated or tolerated.  I believe it was seen as “sassing”.

In addition, I have that Saturn in Leo in the 5th house.  That is the sign and house of actors.  Saturn there, is an actor that takes his work very seriously.  This mimicking thing was very serious stuff to me.  I needed to throw my whole heart into it.  I took method acting to a whole new level.

However, while I may have looked and acted like the Pluto/Uranus people I mimicked, inside I was just playing.  I *wasn’t* being serious.  I was being mischievous and giggly Gemini.  I was absolutely lost in the sauce every time someone responded to me like I was being over dramatic, or too intense, or too serious, or that I needed to calm down . . . because what I was showing, wasn’t what I was actually experiencing on the inside.  I was very often feeling playful and happy inside.

That’s not to say I wasn’t ever in a rotten mood.  I definitely had full blown Gemini mixed with Aries temper tantrums.

But for the majority of the time, I was not taking myself as seriously as everyone thought I was.  They were too busy being scared of their own reflection.  For myself, I had no fluffing clue what was going on.  I was just trying things on and playing . . . and everyone else was having explosive and intense responses to me for it but nobody would ever explain why.

To better illustrate this part of myself, think of a Shakespearean Actor.  Imagine this grand actor is on the stage . . . in a single spotlight with darkness surrounding him . . . all eyes on him.

He’s standing there, fully committed to his role.  Over-emphasizing his features in order to silently convey to the audience the struggle he is feeling inside.  He is allowing the tension of the moment to build, and the intensity of his current plight to really sink in deep.  No escape from the reality of the situation.  Looking out into the distance far beyond the audience and into another world that only he sees.

The audience itself is dead quiet except for the occasional shifting in their seats.

He begins the much awaited soliloquy from Hamlet.

To BE. {pause for dramatic effect} Or . . . NOT TO BE . . . that is the question . . .

Everyone is enraptured and pulled into that single moment.  Everyone is united in that moment . . . nothing else exists.  All being transported to another place and time with the actor.

Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

The audience continues to listen as a single unit, as if they’re seeing into a human’s private moment . . . one that is not normally shared with another.  They can feel something deeper inside that they normally tune out.

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,

And by opposing . . . end them?  To die, to sleep–

And then have some doofus in the audience stand up and say, “OMG, stop being so goddamn dramatic.  Good lord!  You need to relax and stop taking things so seriously.  Maybe your life sucks because you’re standing up on a stage all day when you could be outside enjoying the sunshine.  Sheesh.  Some people just think the whole world revolves around them.  Well guess what buddy? . . . I have problems too you know . . . you’re not the only one you self-centered son-of-a-bitch.  I’m outta here, I don’t have to put up with this nonsense.”

Imagine how confused the actor would be.  Didn’t the audience member *know* that this isn’t real?  That it’s all pretend?  That the actor isn’t the role he plays?  That of course the actor isn’t the one taking it so seriously, he’s just playing the role of someone who does take it all seriously.

Of course, there are also the actors who play a role for so long, that the line begins to blur between themselves and the character they are.  And I have that same problem myself.

When I was younger I could keep it straight.  I knew that wasn’t me.  But people kept responding to my character or role in such a real and convincing way . . . that I started to forget that I *wasn’t* that role.  I just played one on TV.

I guess I should take that as a testament for how good I am at role playing and pretending.

If I could go back in time, I would tell little me that no, you’re not really all of the bad things that everyone tells you that you are.  You’re just fully committed to your way of learning, playing, and pretending.  You’re so good at it, in fact . . . that they can’t tell the difference between your pretending and the real thing . . . so be more forgiving of other’s reaction to you.

And also . . . how about instead . . . you use that same level of commitment to just be the you inside instead?  That way, instead of being the scary reflection of other’s shadows . . . you could instead be the beautiful reflection of other’s light?

Cat Killing Balloon

If You Think Your Poop Don’t Stink, Then You Can GTFO

It’s important for me to interact with others.  It’s from interacting with others, that I am able to see myself more clearly.

However for that to be effective, it requires a couple of things.

The person needs to have a certain amount of self awareness.  They need to have a working knowledge of who they are distinct and separate from the others around them. (<–why did I word that like a job description?  I am so weird.)

The person also needs to have a certain amount of openness and trust of others so that they aren’t so closed up and defensive about every little thing that comes out of someone else’s mouth (especially before attempting to understand what was actually meant by the person).

These things are important to me for many reasons.

I am effectively blind to myself.  I need feedback and reflections from others regarding what they see when they interact with me.  I know I have a 1st house full of Self.  But I also have very few aspects to that house from the rest of my chart, so it’s kind of an island out on its own.  I also have an asteroid (and if I have the time I’ll look up which oddball asteroid it is) in my 1st house, that basically describes just that . . . I can’t see me.  I don’t just have blind spots . . . I am completely invisible to myself.  I require the assistance of others to help me see me.

So . . . when I was younger, whenever someone said something to me about me I believed it.  I tried it on for size to see how it fits.  It gave me something to work with, where as before I had nothing.  Eventually I would find all of the ins and outs of what I was told, as well as how much was true for me and how much was actually true for the other person.

My initial motive and interest with others in life, was for no other reason than to *see* myself.  Not in being better than others.  Not in being less than others.  Not in having power over others.  Not for the million reasons that have been projected onto me for why I am like I am or why I do what I do.  In the past, I have been the scapegoat and evil villain in many stories . . . and I did believe them to be true (for the reasons others gave) because I had not been shown that I was anything other than that.

I feel like I have lived life a little inside out from others.  Like I backed into life upside down and inside out.

My 7th house has Uranus in Scorpio and Pluto conjunct the descendant in Libra.  The others in my life, were not very open and honest about what was really going on.  They were completely focused on looking good for others, not in being honest, open, and real.  So these are the people I looked to growing up, in order to understand who I was.  I was very reliant in feedback from them to know myself.  I did not know that they weren’t being open and honest with me.  I didn’t understand that sometimes things are said out of fear or anger and aren’t necessarily true.

So, if in a fit of rage someone were to direct it at me and say, “You are so fucking stupid!”  . . . I fell apart inside, because I was wide open and accepted everything as truth.  The naiveté of Aries.  It went straight to my core, it became my identity.  I couldn’t readily undo it.  I might walk around for months hearing that yelled in my head and feeling crushed because I was such a disappointment.

Now is that the fault of the person who did it?  Not really.  I mean, yeah it’s a pretty crappy thing to yell at a kid . . . but the missed opportunity in that moment when I was younger, was in it being explained to me that the yelling had everything to do with what was going on inside that person and was their thing to own and understand.  And that my response to what they had done, had to do with something going on inside of me that would be valuable for me to learn more about . . . to become aware of and understand for myself.

The person yelling, cannot be held solely responsible for how everyone else responds to them.  How can that one person keep in their head how every single individual is that they come in contact with (including ones they haven’t even met before), and adjust (hide, restrict, suppress) themselves accordingly in order to not offend or hurt anyone?  That’s absolutely insane.  And yet that’s exactly what most of us are taught to do.  (Is there any wonder that projection runs rampant in modern day society?)

But back to me.  (<– yep . . . I am the center of my universe.  Where else should I be . . . the center of your universe?  That’s silly.  That’s where you’re supposed to be.)

So anyways, growing up consisted of everyone throwing their shit at me.  From a very young age, I was first made aware of my dark side.   I grew up in a constant state of fighting to come to peace inside with the fact that I was the devil incarnate.  Not in a defensive way . . . but in the way that innocent children do all things, openly and with their whole heart.

Some people grow up thinking they’re the bees knees and that their shit don’t stink, and later in life have to come to terms with facing the stinkiness of their shit.  Whereas, I grew up thinking only my shit stinks, and everyone else’s was roses.

I *think* my soul knew what it was doing when it chose this life, but the jury in my head is still out on that.

So I get my dark side.  I get other people’s dark side.  Btw, this isn’t a challenge from me to you.  I’m not interested in proving this to anyone.  It’s exhausting and it has become boring.

However in order for me to become balanced and whole, my challenge is to now come to peace with the lighter side in me.  I rarely have that reflected back to me because I need to change how I interact with others in order to stop inviting the people into my life who refuse to acknowledge their OWN dark side and shadows, but are happy to continually point out mine.

It has been incredibly helpful to me for others to reflect my dark back to me so that I’m aware of that part of me, but I’m quite done with it.  I get it.  I’m TOO aware of it.

Being around more self-aware people means that they are less likely to try to project and make me own their own demons.  I’m not expecting perfection, not by any means, but if the other person doesn’t have enough awareness, then I become battle weary in trying to deflect incoming demons being lodged at me from behind their wall of “NOT MINE EVER!”

I need the person to be open and trusting.  Not wide open and over trusting . . . but coupled with enough awareness in order to be able to discern for themselves whether an issue is truly their own.  They need to be open to seeing their own darkness (and furreals . . . not in a distant objective detached philosophical sort of way).  Not blindly accept it, but not blindly deny it.

At the very least, be capable of having an honest discussion in order to further distinguish and understand for both of our sakes.  There are instances where something new happens in an interaction, and I honestly don’t know whose “thing” it is.  If it’s mine, I want to know.  I want to be able to own it.  If it’s not mine, I want to know.  I don’t want to own something that isn’t mine.  It’s not about winning/losing for me.  It’s about truth, openness, and honesty.  Because nothing feels better to me in the whole wide world than to be me . . . all of me . . . the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I just want the goddamn truth.

Much of this is has to do with my Neptune/Moon conjunction in Sagittarius.  I feel comfortable and at home when Truth is being spoken.  I feel safe and okay to be open (intimacy . . . moon in 8th house), when there is Truth between me and another.  It is no surprise to me that I find so little comfort in this world . . . there is so little Truth being spoken.  So many are hiding from themselves and each other.  It also relates to my Gemini Sun conjunct Jupiter in my 2nd house.  I feel secure when I understand.  I don’t want to judge and rule people for Christ’s sake . . . I just don’t feel safe at all when I don’t understand what is really going on.

Not only that, but regarding Gemini Sun/Jupiter conjunction . . . that is a lot of damn light(ness) going on.  But where is it?  {Looks around innocently with hands up in question}  Where’d it go?  Where is the fun, silly, light-hearted part of me?  Well . . . that’s my current quest.  I’ve lived a life thinking I’m only Pluto . . . that I’m only my shadow.  I’m now more interested and motivated to explore my lighter side.  My fun and laughter side in order to round out my understanding of my shadow.

I’m only now beginning to be able to communicate more effectively to others what it is I’m needing in relationships, because whenever I’ve tried to explain it in the past, it was taken in a completely different way than I meant it.  It took me some time to sort through all of “the requests from me/responses from others” within myself over the years to see how/where/why communication broke down.  (And btw, a shoutout to An Upturned Soul who has been tremendously helpful for me recently with her voicing her own struggles, in helping me become more clear about what it is I’m trying to communicate/say.)

For example, I’m not interested in blind praise.  I think I can thank Saturn in Leo for that.  I’m not looking for someone to puff up my pride.  I don’t need you to tell me I’m pretty or that I’m special or that I’m awesome.  Mostly because I don’t understand what that means or what is meant by that.  Often general statements like that are also projections.

I think you’re pretty {because it’s important to me that I be called pretty, it’s something I value . . . so I’m giving you a compliment by saying you’re pretty.}  Except that’s not a compliment to me.  It doesn’t actually mean anything to me.  So if you wish to say it because you really feel it, then please do.  What I learn about you from that . . . is that you value looking good.  And that’s cool.  I’m actually glad to learn that about you, because it’s something about you that is different from me.  I value *that* understanding more . . . than the fact that you think I’m pretty.

But if you’re only saying I’m pretty because you assume that’s what I value and what I want to hear from you (in order to get on my good side so that you can get something from me), then that is not seeing me.  That’s you seeing me as an extension of you.  I don’t want to be you.  I want to be me.  I want you to be YOU.  I don’t want to be someone else’s illusion . . . I don’t want others to be an illusion to me.  I want TRUTH.  I want REAL.  Not niceness and kindness for the sake of niceness and kindness.  That’s . . . ugh . . . it is so limiting!!!

I am interested in seeing you for who you are and NOT as an extension of myself or to use you in an attempt to validate my own self illusions.

So to wrap this up . . . before my head starts spinning like the exorcist, going forward I’m going to be actively approaching life in a new way so that I’m able to start seeing the lighter and brighter side of me.

This means my response to others will change.  I’m not asking others to change their response to me.  You just do what you do however you want to do it.  But what you get back from me going forward, may be different.  I’m going to make sure I’m all extra awkward and weird about it too.  (<– not really try to be, it will occur naturally)

I will though, be holding others responsible for themselves.  I don’t want to hold other’s garbage for them anymore.  I’m also tired of keeping my mouth shut so that I don’t offend anybody.  I’m totally expecting and accepting that I’m going to piss people off.  I’m going to offend.  People will leave here with their panties in a wad.

Not because that’s my intent or focus, but because that’s a common response when people get stripped bare.  I have been getting stripped bare my entire life.  Don’t think I don’t know how it feels.  That’s ALL I know.  But now, if you come around me, by default you are going to be stripped bare.  That’s all I want in my space.  Openness, honesty, trust.  I need everything to be out in the open.  That’s where I feel safe.  That’s where I feel okay.  You want to be in my space, then that is what you can expect.  It’s your choice to come or go.

Okay . . . not everything . . . for example, I don’t need to know that you like to play with barbies while you sit on the toilet.  I’m open to having a discussion on what I even mean by “everything out in the open”.  If you were being defensive, you may have responded with “I’m not telling that bitch EVERYTHING about me!  Who does she think she is?!?!”  If you were being open you may have responded with “I wonder what she means by that?” and if it was important enough for you to know . . . you’d ask me.

My focus will be on staying true at all times inside and out.  And just because I’m not all sugar and spice and everything nice in my communications, is not so much because I’m evil . . . but because I’m striving towards always being true.  I care more about truth than I do in looking like the good guy. I always have.  That is what is at my center.

So, if you need others to always be nice and kind and sweet with you because you are fragile and sensitive and you think that is what it means to be respectful . . . then you can GTFO.

If you think being passive with me or tip-toeing around me means I’m not going to call you out on your shit when you’re shoveling it . . . you can GTFO.

If you’re more interested in playing the victim your whole life instead of doing something about it, then you can GTFO.

However, if you’re interested in starting to see what is real in life and what is true both in others and yourself, then GTFIH (Get The Fuck In Here).

If you’re interested in learning a new way of being and of being in relation to others, then GTFIH.

If you’re interested in seeing what experiencing life in a fun and warm-filled way is like, then GTFIH . . . and let’s hug it out!

funny-cat-cone-head

Drop That Mad Bass

{head bopping}

{foot tapping}

{head bopping more}

{foot tapping travels up the leg}

{hips start to move}

{shoulders shifting}

Commence full blown chair dancing.

It doesn’t matter if I’m driving . . . if I’m standing at a crosswalk . . . or sitting at my desk at work making Excel spreadsheets my bitch, if a song has gotten into my blood . . . *this* bitch is going to dance.

The crazy part is that I’m actually quite shy.  And also I hate to be seen doing anything silly.  If I’m anything but composed, I go crimson red.

But music . . . oh man . . . music does something to me.

I grew up in a military family, so I don’t really have a single place to call home.  For 5 of those wandering years, I lived in the deep south of the USA.  It was during the 80s when rap and thumping bass started to make it’s arrival onto the music scene.

Booming bass.  O.M.G.

Get a song with good bass and rhythm . . . and it’s just not.possible for me to sit still.  If I do, I’m in an emergency state of sadness and someone needs to perform emergency ridiculous dance moves and force me to join in.

When a good dance song comes on, my body starts to move on its own.  It centers from the center of my hip area and radiates out.  It’s in the deepest part of my bones.  It’s in all of my muscles.  It’s in my blood and runs through my heart.

I played classical flute for 20 years.  I received many medals and recognition for the short time I played in organized music groups.  The feedback I consistently received was my uncanny ability to keep time.  Rhythm.  It would be hard for me to *not* keep time.  It pounds from my inner being and outward through the rest of my being.  Tick . . . Tick . . . Tick.  Well for classical music it ticks ticks or hums me into a place of mystical enchantment where the sirens sing and play.  I move more towards soft floaty places.

But for bass dance songs . . . it B  O  O  M   r a d i a t e   r e v e r b e r a t e s  my whole body open.  I become very . . . very.  .  .  g r o u n d e d and present in body.

I don’t have to do shit . . . I lean into it and surrender to the energy and force that comes from some secret doorway in the center of my being . . . and in response to the music it courses through and moves my body for me.

That is . . . until my mind gets in the way and I become self conscious.  Not because I’m worried about what they think about my goofy ass made up dance, but because to me it is like being seen naked in public.  In that moment I’m completely unguarded.  You are seeing me uninhibited.  The same state that others typically only feel when alone naked in bed with another human.  That’s my feeling and experience when I feel the music take me over.  It is so personal and intimate to me.

Same with my singing.  I can barely squeak a note out when anyone is within a mile of me.  My throat starts to constrict and become dry.

But in the car alone, with all the windows up . . . oh sweet baby jesus . . . my whole core opens up wide and the force of which I only experience in those rare moments comes roaring from deep within me and shakes my whole body like a plane going through turbulence and wind shears.  Something more than just a need to sing is coming through me.

I’ve spent years just getting to a place to feel safe enough to sing that openly when I’m by myself.  I’m not sure I’ll be able to get much past that in this lifetime.

But my dancing.  I’ve made more progress there because, who cares what I look like.  Maybe to me it feels like I’m naked in front of everyone.  But they don’t need to know that.  Plus . . . it feels too damn good to just let it out.

{head bopping}

{foot tapping}

( ( ( ( ( ( B  O  O  M   r a d i a t e   r e v e r b e r a t e ) ) ) ) ) )

( ( ( ( ( ( B  O  O  M   r a d i a t e   r e v e r b e r a t e ) ) ) ) ) )

Drop The Beat

( ( ( ( ( ( B  O  O  M   r a d i a t e   r e v e r b e r a t e ) ) ) ) ) )

What The Lord Of The Underworld Has To Say About The Affairs Of The Heart

I was replying to a comment in another post, and found myself in the mood to talk about it a bunch.  It’s in response to a comment from johnsie4 (aka Janelle) who said:

I’m interested to hear more about Pluto in opposition to Asc, one of my kids has this aspect and I’m interested to learn what that might mean for him.  How does it make you feel?

I’m finding that I’m just in the mood to talk about Pluto in general . . . so I’ll begin with Pluto in opposition to the Ascendant . . . but where it ends up is anyone’s guess.

If astrology is not your *thing*, then this post will be beginning with ways in which hidden (in plain sight) power struggles between me and others play themselves out in my life.

Aries Ascendant/Rising in Opposition (180 degrees) to Pluto in Libra in the 7th House.

Aries Ascendant/Rising in Opposition (180 degrees) to Pluto in Libra in the 7th House.

This is a little busy, but it’s to show the full axis of the 1st and 7th house.  I put Pluto in a heart . . . because he needs love too.  (Huh . . . just noticed transiting mars recently went past my natal Pluto . . . no wonder I’m interested in talking about Pluto LOL).

Anyhoo.  How this has shown up in my life.

I tend to trust people fully as soon as I decide I like someone.  I am completely open and honest with them about everything.  I don’t have a weeding out period where someone has to earn my trust before I start divulging things about myself.  This is really stupid of me, because it lets all kinds of unworthy people into my circle of trust that I should not be letting in there.

Others in my life are evasive about themselves.  It’s like pulling teeth to get anyone to say anything about their personal lives.  They have way more information about me before I have hardly anything on them . . . so that gives them a sort of power over me.  And if they misuse it (and most likely they will because it’s rare to find an enlightened Pluto . . . meaning the stuff they do is subconscious and they can’t even see how they do it.) then my life becomes a living hell.

Also, I’m usually excited to share my relationship with everyone.  “Yay!  Look, this is my boyfriend!”  And every.single.time. for one stupid reason or another . . . I’m some big secret in their lives.

One boyfriend told me AFTER we had been seeing each other for a couple of weeks . . . that “Oh btw . . . I’m an active Muslim.  I can’t be seen with you in public or introduce you to my family, otherwise they will pressure me to marry you.  Is that going to be a problem?”  <— THAT . . . is an example of Pluto on the descendant.  (Btw, because my moon is in Sagittarius (Religions/Faith) in the 8th (Intimacy) . . . that also affects my close relationships.)

Another long-term boyfriend from Belfast, Ireland (More Sagittarius Moon 8th house . . . people from all over the globe) who had moved to my area, didn’t want to tell anyone back home about me because divorce had just become legal over there and he was going through a divorce.  You had to prove one of the approved reasons for getting a divorce in order to get one.  His reason was because of her cheating on him.  So . . . he had to be on his high horse and not let anyone know he was dating anyone before the divorce was final, otherwise how was he any better than her?  (It took about 2 years for a divorce to g0 through.)  So for a WHOLE SUMMER, when his two kids and parents came to visit . . . I couldn’t go see him and had to pretend I didn’t have a boyfriend.

It is ALWAYS something.  And I’m ALWAYS understanding.  But over time, it really . . . really wore down my self esteem because in my own subconscious I was being told by these people that I was someone to be ashamed being seen with.  I wasn’t valuable, I wasn’t wanted.  I ALLOWED them to do that.  So by me not speaking up and saying, “Oh HELL NO!”  I just said, “Oh . . . okay . . . I understand.” and put up with way more than I should have.

The hard part (and this is specific to Pluto in Libra) is that they all seem like perfectly sweet men.  You could analyze them up, down, and sideways and you’d never find anything you could put your finger on and say, “Aha!  There’s your flaw!”  And yet . . . a year or so down the road . . . I’d take a look at myself and find that I had fallen a long way.  Miserable, ill, depressed, lifeless.

Also any time I was in a relationship, I could say goodbye to my friends and family until after the relationship because we got swallowed up in our own little world.  There were often issues of jealousy.  I was a possession to be owned.  My every move was controlled or questioned.  I would become isolated and it would become hard to see a way out of the relationship.  After awhile I’d forget that life had been any other way.  When you feel like you’ve been dropped to the bottom of a very deep well and like the walls are closing in on you and you’re all alone, and like things will never change or get better . . . you are experiencing Pluto.

After the umpteenth time of repeating this “dying” process . . . I finally took a break.  An eight year break.  And decided to figure out WTF was going on with me.  I ripped into my psyche to find what it was about me that was causing me to basically invite the same guy into my life over and over.  I left no stone unturned.  I was brutally honest with myself.  I analyzed every scenario from every perspective until things started to clear in my head and make more sense.

I came up with hypothesizes on why I did certain things and what I could do to potentially change it . . . and tried it out in my own life.  Again in a relentless almost obsessed (Pluto) manner.  Eventually I made it down deep enough in myself to where I found my own inner Pluto.  And when I cracked that bad boy open . . . for the first time ever in my life, I began to make REAL progress in changing myself.  I began to feel a sense of peace I had never felt before.  And forgiveness, because I could see myself in all of my past relationships.  And I saw how it’s really us that keeps ourselves prisoner with our own judgments (Libra).

Pluto on the Descendant (or opposition to the Asc), means that relationships will be where your transformation takes place.  It’s through relationships that you’ll experience the death and rebirth of the Phoenix.  It means that eventually . . . if you decide to face your own inner Pluto . . . you will come out of the other end understanding human relations inside and out.  The what, when, where, why, and how of relationships.  You will understand the affairs of the heart.

Wanting To Be A Graceful Swan, Destined To Be A Goofy Dork.

I was recently doing searches on various aspects of my birth chart because I’ve lost sight of who I am again.

Normally this might be something I’d talk to a close friend about . . . but right now, that friend is you.  This space is the only medium I have in my life right now to talk things out.

But hey, I have Uranus (friends, internet, unconventional) in my 7th house (relationships) . . . so maybe this is exactly how it’s supposed to be for me.

Over and over again I am reminded in my life that there is how I think things are supposed to be . . . and then there are how things just are.

Anyways . . . I like visual aids, so here’s a look at my birth chart (and it’s okay if you don’t know astrology . . . it’s my feeling that even just seeing the geometry and symbols gives us information, even if at a subconscious level).  If you click on it you should be able to see the mega huge version of it.  (If you’re looking for a great resource for astrology, or even just to have the ability to do a chart without having to pay money . . . www.astro.com is *the* best place I have found online.)

Jenn's Birth Chart

Jenn’s Birth Chart

It will never fail to amaze me how looking at a birth chart is looking at a snapshot of the heavens at the time and location of a person’s birth . . . and how it is a blueprint of who we are and what our plan was for the time we are here.  As above . . . so below.

Anyways, I first started my search with my (moon’s) North Node, which is in Libra in the 7th house.

North Node in Libra in the 7th house.

North Node in Libra in the 7th house.

One place I looked, True Node.org, had a lot of useful information.  Some of it I wasn’t quite on board with, but that helped me actively use my discernment in what I felt to be true for myself vs. how another person viewed/interpreted similar things that I do . . . without being defensive about it.  And also for me to keep in mind, that there are other things in my chart that change how it is expressed in me.

Here’s what stood out most for me:

You are here in this lifetime to learn to give with the whole heart, asking nothing of others in return.

. . .

Some will perceive you as disloyal, since you are so reluctant to invest in your relationships.  However, as you grow in your spiritual development, you will find within yourself an amazing ability to give self-confidence to others.

. . .

an ability to “give others the will where there was none” and to make them aware of their own self-worth

These are the things I felt touch me deep inside and reading them easily make me cry in a kind of relief . . . so I know they are touching on something true and important to me.

When I’ve forgotten who I am . . . this is the kind of process I go through to help piece myself back together until a bigger picture emerges and I’m able to start remembering on my own.

One of the things I feel when reading these sentences, is a raw heartbreaking overwhelming humbleness at the idea that I could affect another human being in that way.  Which makes me painfully aware of what I’ve been feeling about my own self worth.  How lately, I haven’t been feeling like I have anything of value to offer another person.  I know it’s not true, but I can’t seem to remember what it is I have.

So I kept searching to see what other clues I could find.  Next was on my Neptune/Moon conjunction.

Neptune (9th house) and Moon (8th house) conjunction in Sagittarius.

Neptune (9th house) and Moon (8th house) conjunction in Sagittarius.

This is where my deep feelers come from.  This is why I cry like a person at a funeral when I witness something that feels so profound or so beautiful.  This is what brings me to my knees when I hear a violin playing just the right haunting chords.  It’s where I feel (moon) both the beauty and sorrow of the world and life from a spacecraft view.  This is also where I get incredibly confused in my feelings and who I am separate from others whenever I become emotionally stressed.

The best place I found that describes the Neptune/Moon conjunction, is at The Chirotic Journal.  It’s a longer quote . . . but I feel it’s necessary in order to effectively understand what it means to have this configuration (or similar).

Imagine this scenario: someone you know has come to see you and on their way over they have got stuck in traffic, had an argument with a co-worker on the phone and discovered that their husband spent the housekeeping on a hooker, then they call in at your house, and actually, they like you very much and just want to hang out for a while so they don’t mention any of that bad stuff, but inside they are angry, upset, hurt and frustrated, as would only be natural for anyone who had experienced such a frustrating and upsetting set of circumstances. For most, this visitor would appear agitated perhaps, maybe a little off and flat and for anyone without Moon conjunct Neptune it wouldn’t represent much of a blip on their personal radar, off their friend would toddle, and they might think to themselves “hmm, they seemed a little odd today, no matter”, and they would carry on about their business and probably forget all about it.

Not so for Moon conjunct Neptune. Not by a long chalk.

For anyone with Moon conjunct Neptune, they can feel the anger, resentment and frustration from their friend almost as a physical force in the room. The hostility would be profoundly uncomfortable, they feel so uncomfortable in fact that they may even begin to physically sweat, or shake, or feel a little wan and pale. And even before their friend was out the door they will already be running through the list of all possible misdemeanours they could possibly have committed to have caused such an upset, because it is entirely possible that their friend is angry because of something they have done, or said, or not said, or not done, or implied, or inferred or failed to anticipate.

It’s for this reason I need lots of time alone.  It’s also the source of many of my oddities, all of which are hard for me to explain or describe because it just doesn’t make sense in practical down-to-earth terms.  It’s stuff that only makes sense to someone (without this or a similar configuration in their chart) when they’re having a religious experience or moment of ecstatic bliss.  Or when faced with larger than life events, such as when faced with the death of a loved one and they bring the whole meaning of life into question.  In those moments . . . the things I feel every day of my life . . . would then have more context and make more sense to them.

Next I decided to look at the aspect on my chart that is in opposition (180 degrees) from my Neptune/Moon, which is my Jupiter/Sun.  It’s crucial that I understand this other side because it’s my counter-balance.  Until I come to peace with both, I will swing wildly from one to the other.  I have to reconcile both sides (and all 4 of the gigantic influences) inside of me.

Sun and Jupiter conjunction in 2nd house in Gemini.

Sun and Jupiter conjunction in 2nd house in Gemini.

The things that came up in my search wavered from one end of the spectrum to the other as far as how people chose to see this combination.  Here are some samples:

From Sasstrology (and specifically about having a partner who has Sun/Jupiter aspect . . . apparently I’m a handful.)

When ego (Sun) is united with the planet of expansion and philosophy (Jupiter), it creates a larger-than-life personality. Sun/Jupiter is a highly intelligent, optimistic partner. But when his sense of self gets too big, is there room for another person in the relationship?

Jupiter’s full-on influence quadruples the Sun’s energy.

I *have* wondered this myself.  I understand at some level that I’m *a lot*.  I can get so frustrated with myself.  I want to be who I am without overwhelming or scaring people off.  But I don’t know how to just “kind of” be me.  It’s like asking an atomic bomb to “bring it down a notch”.  How?  🙂

From the site My Astrology Book:

You have brought strong and powerful spiritual energy into this world.  You’re very ethical, vital, physically protected, and have much wisdom to share with others.  You’re optimistic, philosophical, generous to a fault, buoyant, love to travel, and will probably do so, to places far from home. 

Okay . . . that seems like a little more down to Earth.  But it’s not really getting at the bigness of the energy.

MoonPluto Astrology says with the Sun/Jupiter configuration:

People forget sometimes that Sagittarius is the sign of prophecy and Jupiter in Gemini sitting with the Sun (YOU) is… to quote a Facebook friend of mine, the intensity and relentlessness of 1,000 white hot suns.

There we go . . . 1,000 white hot suns.  Now I feel like we’re on the same page.  That’s the level at which I’m having to consciously work with and keep under control at all times.  If I don’t, my physical body (2nd house) starts paying the price for it.  So I’m always in flux trying to keep myself healthy by not keeping all of that repressed in me . . . and also with not letting it all out and frying everyone within a 100,000 mile radius to a burnt crisp.  Cuz . . . I mean . . . I deeply *care* about you guys.  My Moon/Neptune is absolutely horrified at what my Sun/Jupiter is capable of.

So the ping pong game that often plays out on this axis/opposition of my chart looks something like this:  Supernova Superstar! —> You Monster!  How could you be so insensitive! {sob uncontrollably} –> I’m super sorry.  I’m a pathetic, self-centered jackass. –> Oh . . . it’s okay . . . I know you didn’t mean it. –> Really?  –>  Sure!  You’re not so bad.  I love you!  –> Supernova Superstar!

This is mostly internal . . . because I have another aspect playing out in my chart that isn’t so fond of my Sun/Jupiter.  And that is my . . . wait for it . . . Saturn in Leo in the 5th house.  (dun Dun DUN!!)

Saturn in Leo in the 5th house.

Saturn in Leo in the 5th house.

I *am* grateful for Saturn, because he helps anchor my Neptune/Moon and keeps me from totally floating off into space.  This is where I gain discipline, strength, and focus if I put in the hard work.  But it’s in the sign and house of FUN!  Noooooooo!

I liked what Night Sky wrote about Saturn in Leo.

Under Leo, Saturn is brought into the spotlight, into the limelight and is forced into doing something that Saturn abhors generally, and that is being the centre of attention and being “fun”.

Bah, Humbug!

In this position, Saturn is forced into showing courage, spontaneity, exuberance and love of life. The result is often a straight jacket.

LOL.  But seriously,

When in terms and face though, and the essential debility of this placement is reduced somewhat, Saturn´s serious and no-nonsense face is a beautiful blend with Solar energy resulting in an old and mature soul acting through an innocent and childlike Leo.

That’s a beautiful sentiment . . . but here’s the reality of it:

The detrimental nature of Saturn in Leo almost always guarantees the humiliation of Saturn in any kind of endeavour in which he tries to act out his original and melancholic nature, for in doing so the fire of Leo will burn away all careful planning, all responsibility and wreak havoc. But for the Saturn who acts out his inner child, who does what Leo tells him and tries to be “fun” it seems as if great respect and honour… those so desired Saturnine gifts are thrown upon him. It is funny that this Saturn although repressed and wearing a straight jacket when he does take to the stage, is so showered with affection and admiration for doing it. But that is the nature of essentially debilitated planets, they are asked to do something they don´t like.

Ack.  Okay.  For some reason this has me tearing up.  {Stop it!  Stop crying! God you are so embarrassing sometimes.} <— says my Saturn in Leo/5th house to my Neptune/Moon.

Guaranteed humiliation when I try to be myself around others.  Yes.  1,000 white hot suns yes.  My Gemini and Sagittarius want to be in love with life and people.  They want to bring joy and laughter to everyone.  And then there’s Saturn with a leash on both of them saying, “NO!”

This is Saturn in Leo's response to Moon/Neptune in Sagittarius.

This is Saturn in Leo’s response to Moon/Neptune in Sagittarius.

I hate and fear attention.  I.despise.it.  It baffles me that there are people who want to be famous.  WHY!?  Why would you do that on purpose?!  But the forces that burn and bubble under my surface, demand to be let out . . . and that is inevitably going to bring attention to me. (godbleepitybleepingbleep!!)  So I most definitely will come crashing through that stage in a straightjacket, because it’s both something I hate and something that comes with just being who I am.  I want to be all noble, poised, and magnificent . . . but do this instead:

That's about as graceful as I get.

That’s about as graceful as I get.

So . . . that’s as far as I got in my search.  When I’m in a healthier space, I can handle way more information than that at a time . . . so that is another indicator for myself to take it easy and to continue to rest.  But doing this helped.  It felt good to share this with you.  (But don’t tell Saturn.)

{Continued in Before I Get To Goofy Dork, I Need To Make A Quick Stop At The Local Abyss }