Everyone Has a Secret Sauce Healing Recipe

I do a lot of thinking in regards to what it means to get back into balance, to heal, to become whole once more.  It’s a different and unique pathway for each individual.  I see it as a sort of secret sauce combination of things that, ultimately, the individual has to navigate through and discover for themselves.  There is no one sure-fire way, but a mosaic of things that we find or pick up along the way via trial and error.

I see it as every soul *pings* out a unique vibration that is an energetic signature.  That it comes from deep within, from our core.  During the course of our life, it gets challenged, opposed, tested.  We we run, lose, make a mistake . . . that *ping* inside us gets a little quieter, a little harder to hear.  When we face things, win, try again . . . that *ping* inside us gets a little louder and easier to hear.

But while each person’s signature is unique, it is made up of the same ingredients as everyone else, just each of the ingredients in different quantities.  That is the ways in which we are able to relate to each other.  My cinnamon sugar is able to relate to your cinnamon sugar, and so that is a way for us to connect.  However, I may have a gallon of it while you only have a teaspoon of it and the amount I have is way too much for your liking.

But me having a gallon of cinnamon sugar is perfect for my recipe.  (I’m making myself hungry.  I will be looking at recipes after this.)  But it’s possible that I may try to reject a great deal of my cinnamon sugar in order to stay in the good graces of someone with only a teaspoon of cinnamon sugar.  Doing that will cause me to stray from my center, from being whole.

After a few decades of doing this, even in little ways here and there, we can get ourselves into a tangled mess of trying to live out some mutilated and distorted recipe version of ourselves.  That’s how simply and easily it happens.  So healing, to me, is about finding your way back to your original recipe.

So in my example, at some point and in some form, I’m going to have to remember that I tried to make my gallon of cinnamon sugar into a teaspoon and I’m going to have to add all of that cinnamon sugar back into my recipe before I am going to feel okay in that particular part of myself again.

How I go about doing that also depends on my personal recipe, and understanding for myself, what works for me.  Is it through reading?  Workshops?  Meditating?  How do I discover which ingredients in me are messed up and how do I understand whether I need to add more or have less?  Do I need more or less anger?  Do I need to be more active or do I need to lessen my schedule?  Do I need to maybe lessen my schedule at work and increase my schedule at home?

If you imagined that there were about a thousand ingredients, you can see just how personal and unique the healing process is for each individual.  Which is where I start pulling my hair out because there is an innate healer inside of me who wishes to help people along this path, but how?  How do I universally address something so personal and varied?

As much as I’d like to, I’m not able to hand everyone their personal secret sauce combination, that’s something that you have to figure out for yourself.  However I can share with you something that I do think would help everyone on their way, and that is by taking the time to truly understand yourself.

Do you like gingerbread houses because you *really* like gingerbread houses, or do you like them because your older sibling liked them?  (Seriously, what is with all of the food analogies?)  Do you love fish, but never eat it because your family never did growing up?

Those are very superficial things, but hopefully you get the gist of what I’m saying.  It’s easy to start too.  Think of something that has been weighing on you lately, stressing, worrying you.  Now, ask questions of it.  What assumptions are you making about it that maybe aren’t true?  What is the situation to you?  What are your options?  Are you really stuck?  If there’s truly nothing you can do about it (e.g. IRS is auditing you, you have to work), then what is in the way from you coming to peace with it.

Or.  If there’s nothing pressing, but you’re just feeling blah, try doing a personality test, astrology chart reading, or something that will get you to start challenging what you think you know about yourself and give it some real thought, not just autopilot answers.  Figure out what isn’t working for you and bring it into question.

Of course, the assumption here is that you’re in touch with your feelings.  If you aren’t in touch with your feelings (meaning not fully in your body, your consciousness hovers around your head, aka you *think* you’re feeling- but really you’re just thinking *about* feelings- which isn’t the same thing), then there is probably going to be a bit of a struggle to really connect to anything that you strongly relate to or identify with.

That’s a whole different blog post and if that is the case (and I think it’s more common than people realize), then definitely do some searches/research on that specifically because learning how to reconnect to your feelings (whether stemming from trauma, diseases/illness, etc.) is a straight up game changer.  I’m talking from personal experience.  Single most important thing I ever did for myself was to learn how to cry again.

But back to what I was talking about here, there’s one more thing I’d like to address in regards to this and that’s about the misnomer regarding selfishness.  I know a great deal of people who are givers and who quite frankly are not being selfish enough.  And then there are those who are completely self-absorbed in a very damaging way (e.g. narcissism) who accuse those givers of being selfish when they don’t do what they want them to.  Leading the givers to give even more than they already do and round and round it goes.

It’s something that I struggle with in myself mightily.  But time and time again, I’ve found it to be absolutely true, that if I don’t put in the time to fix and heal myself first then I’m absolutely no use to anyone else.  So if you’re a person who has a hard time doing or spending any time on something to do with you specifically, then you especially need to be doing this.

I’m telling you, getting to know and form a healthy relationship with yourself is one of the best things you could do for yourself and your loved ones.

Now . . . where’s a good chocolate pudding pie recipe?

cup_of_cat

What Believing In Self Means To Me

I’ve zeroed in on the moment it happens.  The moment in which I’m interacting with someone and I lose myself.  I need to anchor this in myself so that I can be more aware and lessen how often I do it.

When I am centered and in balance with myself, and I say something to someone from a sincere and open place, and their response sounds like I offended them in some way (here’s that moment) instead of staying solid in what I was actually meaning, feeling, and experiencing when I said whatever I did . . . I instead try to right the misunderstanding.

Which means . . . I end up focusing on their perception of what I meant regarding what I said, instead of what I actually meant.  It only takes me a few moments of trying to do this, trying to explain or understand where the disconnect happened between me and another person, before I lose sight myself of what I had really meant.

After an extended period of time, I’m so focused on how what I say may be mistook by that person or persons, that I am no longer centered in myself and balanced.  I’m actually thinking the way that they think for longer periods of time in an attempt to avoid conflict and hurt.  I start to adopt their attitude and view of life.

It weaves such a tangled and confusing web in my life that I am forced to work through in order to find myself again.  Always swearing with a fierceness and a vengeance that if I ever find my way back to myself again, that I will never, ever, ever do that to myself again.  I get so furious at myself for being such a ding-a-ling.

I’m not thinking that it’s their own darkened perception that they projected onto my words, I’m not thinking that in order for them to see what I actually meant, means they’d have to admit they were wrong as well as own their darkened perception . . . I’m not thinking any of that.  All I’m thinking is, “Oh noes!  That’s not what I meant, I’m so sorry you took it that way (as if I had any control over that) and I’ll do better in the future to communicate myself more clearly!”

I’d say that is a pretty fair example of what it means to be naïve.

What I must integrate and better understand about myself, is to stay in myself with how I know I feel and experience something.  If I said something from a pure place, and I know within myself whether I’m truly doing that or not, there’s no use in lying to myself, then I need to stay strong in that no matter how someone else responds or sees it.

I can’t let other people decide for me what it is that I meant by what I did or said.  I also cannot focus on the distorted way they saw me without risking becoming that distortion.

That more clearly illustrates what it means to me when I say, “I believe in myself.”  It means I’m not believing in other’s distortion or projections of me.  I believe in what I know to be true about me.

I’m reading through this and I can see how it seems a little one sided, like I’m always the innocent one being wronged by others.  That is not true.  I see myself in these other things too.  I started off by saying “When I am centered and in balance with myself”.  The post is describing the moment where I stray, where I lose myself.

Once I’ve gone off the rails, I then fall into the bucket of “other”.  I begin doing those less than desirable things myself.  I would say that the single hardest moment in the healing process, is the moment when you realize that to some degree, at some level . . . you yourself have done the very things that others did that hurt you.

It won’t look the same on the outside at all.  But it’s the realization that the same mechanisms are at play within yourself as well.  It is the most humbling and yet liberating thing I have ever experienced.  The truth really does set you free.

So no, I’m not blind to how these things play out in me as well, but my focus at this time is in being smarter about not going off of the rails in the first place.  The rest of it becomes irrelevant if I stay centered and balanced within myself to begin with.  (I needed to say all of that to balance the energy in the post and in my head.)

Not My Circus

The UnMasking Continues

Yesterday was a really interesting and long day for me.  I got revved up into my Aries fire and it felt like I was getting oxygen into my lungs finally after a long time, but also like getting water to drink after being dehydrated for so long.

While doing the video I felt really solid, strong, and good inside.  Then I watched the video and I was like, “What in the hell is all this?”  What I felt and what it looked like were two completely different things in my mind.

First of all, I was able to hear strain in my voice.  It’s *almost* like a whine.  It’s not my favorite sound.  Because I know what I was feeling on the inside, I understand how it’s still the remnants and traces of the tightening and restriction in my body from trying to stop this kind of expression from coming out of me.

The important part is that it’s starting to come out and find expression, kind of like relieving a pressure valve in me, but being pushed through a very resistant and stubbornly tight tube.  Kind of like when the toothpaste gets so crusted and dried up at the opening of the tube and you have to push the rest of the tube so hard to force it through, that when it breaks through, toothpaste is all over the wall, mirror, . . . no?  Just me?  Anyways 🙂

And like I look and sounded like I was genuinely shaken up inside, like I was working hard to keep myself together . . . and again that’s like the opposite of what I was feeling inside.  I was feeling great!  Like AH!  YEAH!

Also, while talking, I felt like I was staying much more grounded and clear than usual, but hell if I didn’t wander.  I stopped in mid-rant because I saw a white cat with big orange spots walking around the garden across the street and it was so out of place that I completely got distracted with what I was saying.  If that’s not a fine display of Gemini, I don’t know what is.

I would hear myself go into one point and then veer off into another point completely.  While I’m very, very happy to have gotten out the points that I did – I still had a hard time following all of what I was trying to say – and that’s with me knowing what I was trying to say.

I was watching it going, “wait . . . that didn’t make the impact or the point that I was getting at, that ended up sounding like such a non-issue.”  and “wait, you were about to make a good point and you just totally veered off into a non-related thing, wtf Jenn?”

I totally get the people on American Idol now who can’t sing worth shit, but are genuinely surprised when they are told so.  There’s how something goes in your head, and then there’s what actually comes out.  If you’ve never done candid videos of yourself and then watched them back with an open mind, I cannot recommend it enough.  Holy cow.

But just like when watching my other videos, there were also parts that I tend to hide or squelch in me that I really wish I wouldn’t because they are my favorite parts when I do show them.

Also, I talk too fast and run over thoughts too quickly.  I’m like, “this, that, and whatever”.  I’m like, uh, Jenn . . . why don’t you put a little more thought into those examples and list more specific things instead of saying, “x, y, z” for everything.  It’s like I’m trying to make it generic enough to fit whatever other people’s own personal situations are, but I make it so general that the point I’m trying to make gets lost in it.

It is SO Neptune-ie.  Vague, general.  When that’s not what I’m trying to do at all.  I’m trying too hard to make it fit too many situations and scenarios so that people can relate and I’m totally failing in that purpose.  Right?  Because instead of like, “oh I totally relate” it becomes more like, “well . . . I think I can relate . . I mean, I’m not totally sure if she’s referring to the same thing I’m thinking of, but it does remind me of that situation.”

I’m wanting too much to relate and to fit in, while at the same time fighting to not lose my own self and integrity.  I see how I’m still thinking too much about the crowd of fictitious people I think are watching my videos, which pulls me out of myself.

I can’t be centered in myself, being myself, if too much of my focus is hanging outside of my body and yelling back at me how to adjust what or how I say things so that this audience that is really just made up of ghosts from my past, don’t get offended or respond to me in a way that feels hurtful.

I’m trying to be too many things at once instead of just standing tall in myself.

I need to stop being afraid of using specific situations or examples from my life and trying to protect the identity of others in my life.

Here’s the thing.  I want to talk about what I’ve learned and what I’ve noticed in life, and it kind of involves other people in my life.  I’m aware that there’s how I saw and experienced a situation, and then there is how they saw and experienced a situation.  But when I try to tell how I saw and experienced the situation, it sometimes doesn’t paint the other person in a beautiful light.

There is a tendency in our society to focus on *booing* the supposed “bad guy” in a story, instead of paying attention to the point of the story.  When I’m in balance, I do not see others in my life as the “bad guy”, but when I try to tell my stories of what I’ve learned in life, all of the focus becomes on, “oh you poor dear” or “that’s horrible” or “they shouldn’t have done that to you.” which completely misses the point of the story, and it completely leaves me out of it.

It becomes about the other people in my life not being “good” and that is upsetting to me.  I don’t feel it’s fair.  That person has a life and a story to tell as well, and it’s most likely just as sad and upsetting, if not more so than my story.  I’m sure when someone else is telling a story about their life that involves me, I may look like the bad guy in that story.  Do you see how pointless all of it is?

I don’t want what other people did or didn’t do to be the focus of my stories.  They aren’t their stories.  They are mine and they are about how I overcame and triumphed over challenges and obstacles.  Don’t make it about the other person, you know?

And plus, like I love and care about these people, and I know they aren’t perfect – but it’s like I’m not allowed to share my life and my stories because other people’s judgments come in and fluff it all up for me.  I then find myself telling my stories where I’m some sort of victim, and that’s NOT even how I personally experienced the situation.

I again let how society has been conditioned to see situations, influence and overwrite me.

I have come to believe that I had a bad childhood, not because that’s how I experienced it, but because of the reactions and responses I have received from people over the years when I’m just talking about my life.  It paints my life in a darker light.  It then makes it more difficult for me to cope with it.

It ends up causing me more hurt than was necessary.  It forces me to see the world with less love in it.  I start to feel bad and guilty for loving my parents and my exes.  I get painted as being naïve and stupid for not knowing better.  I become this frail and damaged person.  “Poor thing, she doesn’t even know how damaged she is.”

Do you know why kids are so resilient?  Because they aren’t focused on the fact that they’re being wronged.  They see through the eyes of love.  If we didn’t make so many things SO HEINOUS and so disgusting and evil and go on and on and on about it and how we have to punish the evildoers doing this to our children and using children as a platform to punish other human beings . . . then children wouldn’t be so fucking traumatized about the things they go through.

They are naturally understanding and naturally forgiving.  They don’t want to be the source or used as the reason to prosecute and harm other humans, no matter what their crime is.

So in my stories about my life, you will notice an absence of me saying anything specifically about who did what to me, exactly for this reason.  To protect them from other’s unfair judgments and in making my story more about them than about me.  And the times that I did try to mention something specifically, I regretted it with every fiber of my body.  I hated that I did it and I hated the feelings it brought up afterwards.

Like I said . . . it influences me.  I start thinking less of my loved ones than I did before, and that makes me feel less about myself because that’s not how I think and that’s not how I am.  I don’t see the world like that.

Omg . . . I didn’t even realize that that is why I am so afraid to speak up or express myself.  (Having a toothpaste on wall moment.)

I love my dad.  He’s not perfect.  He’s a man from the Appalachian Mountains, who are regarded as the smallest minority group in the United States (even though they are white).  They are poor and they are humble.  It’s the general area where Dolly Parton is from, so if you’ve seen her story about her earlier life, you’ll have a good idea of the kind of life he comes from.  They work hard, they have little.

He has a temper.  Things got broken in the house growing up.  There was a lot of yelling.  There was a lot of things that went on that weren’t necessarily cool, and no a lot of it should not have happened to me.  But I love my dad.  I see the soul inside.  He’s a good man, who got hurt at a young age and got covered up in other people’s darkness.

I love my mom.  She’s not perfect.  She comes from a more proper family.  Good manners, proper grammar, no elbows on the table kind of family.  She didn’t necessarily know the struggles my dad knew when growing up, so it’s harder for her to understand where he was coming from.  His more raw and rugged ways were harder for her to handle because she didn’t have so much of a resilience to how hard life can truly be, when they had first met.

She was what a person would call naïve or not very street smart, she didn’t know how to handle the darker side of life . . . and so life kept coming  at her with darker and darker things the more she tried to run away from it, the more she tried to deny that she had those same tendencies within herself.  She held tightly to my light to keep the darkness away from her, choking the life out of me in the process.  Not intentionally.  Not knowingly.  Not maliciously.  But because she was so afraid, she couldn’t see through the darkness to the truth.

Told in stories from my perspective, they will appear on the surface to be the bad guys.  They are not the bad guys.  They are people, human beings . . . not monsters.

The “bad” people in our lives, are just human beings with painful stories of their own.  It doesn’t excuse their behavior, it doesn’t mean they don’t have to suffer the consequences . . . but it does not mean that they need to be demonized.  It does not mean that they don’t deserve to be seen through the eyes of love and with compassion.  They are already living in a hell of their own within their own skin, the last thing they need is anyone else’s judgment on them.

Discernment . . . discernment is another thing entirely.  It’s good to be aware of another person’s tendencies.  Be aware of whether their actions are hurtful to you or not, and if they are, to take the necessary steps to remove yourself from harm’s way.  Be aware of your own tendencies.  What is leading you to people who behave as they do?

I use discernment to decide whether it’s best that I cut someone out of my life or not.  It has NOTHING to do with whether I love or care about them.  If someone is blind to their subconscious actions, then they are going to continue hurting me without meaning to.  Therefore, in order to not let something keep going until I start to hate the person for hurting me over and over, I have to find the strength to push them out of my life.  They may think it’s because I don’t care or don’t love them, but that is not true.  I cry all of the time for the loss of the people I’ve had to push out of my life for these reasons.

They are so lost in fear and blind to themselves and what they do and how it impacts and affects others, that I am forced to make the painful decision to not have them in my life.  It hurts me.

But . . . in order to not turn into them as I grow older, I also have to learn to forgive this hurt and let it go too.  Which means, I can’t be seeing them as the bad guys.  When you’ve healed from your pain, the world looks vastly different.  It’s not filled with potential people who are going to hurt you, it’s filled with human beings who aren’t perfect but who are trying to find their way the best they can.  It’s filled with people desperate to find love and wanting to feel better, and are going about it in the many creative ways that humans can.  Some think they’ll get better with money, with sex, with a high position, with being a healer, being a parent . . . all the many ways we seek to find our way back to our innocence and to home.  Always trying to find our way back home.

I’m ever hopeful that I’ll find others who are willing to put in the hard work to push through the darkness that covers them so that they can bring themselves back into awareness about who they really are, so that I don’t have to continue pushing people out of my life . . . so that I don’t have to be alone.

*This* is what my story is really about.  I’m wanting to find fellow playmates . . . friends . . . who have found themselves and who don’t unintentionally hurt me and who I can be myself around because my way of being doesn’t offend them because they are seeing me from a place of love instead of from a place of fear.

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Trying To Process Events Going On In The World As Well As In Myself

I did this video last night, but I’m just now posting it.  It’s not my favorite video.  I restarted it 3 times and had to fight throughout to not just completely give up on the video, and then it’s long on top of it.  (Jenn, you’re such a great salesperson, how could I not watch it with such a great endorsement).  I’m trying to make sense of things for myself at the moment regarding things going on both in the greater world as well as myself personally.

I say nonsensical things like, “It’s like bridge under water.”  When I’m in this ‘trying to figure it out’ phases, I say a lot of things in an effort to try and connect things to see what is really trying to be shown or said by something bigger than me.  So some of the things I say are fleeting and not necessarily *true*, but just fluffing up all of the pieces that seemed to be involved to see what goes together.  I am feeling out how things feel when saying them to distinguish whether it belongs in the equation or not.  This is a process I go through looking for the bread crumbs that relate together to show me the direction I should be going.

This is me in flux, in extreme flexibility.  I’m not actually judging people and events, I’m just feeling them out.  I hear myself constantly trying to clarify what I mean when I say anything that may suggest that I am being unfair about something I say about other people (such as coworkers) in my life.  I don’t want the things I say to be taken out of context, I don’t want to hurt other’s feelings, and no I don’t want to be unfair to other people because I’ve been on the receiving end of that far too much.  But at the same time, it totally throws off my flow about what I’m trying to say because whatever I’m saying about them isn’t the point that I’m trying to get to.

I definitely halt my expression by trying to be too sensitive about what I say about others in my life, like I don’t get to have my own perspective or opinion about how I am experiencing my own life.  I think that plays into me feeling like I don’t get to have my own feelings.  I do tend to get attacked when I try to express how situations are making me feel that involve other people.  I’m sure it’s something to do with the way I go about doing it, my presentation or perhaps the people I’ve surrounded myself with in the past.  Some people will attack me for trying to say my side, and when I get upset about it, they’ll tell me to not take it so personally . . . and then my feelings really get hurt because it seems like them attacking me for having my own feelings, was them taking it personally.

I struggled in this video by not letting myself stop it or give up and by attempting to say what I’m really feeling even if it gets misinterpreted or misunderstood and so it’s a very uncomfortable video for me and it was even harder to make myself publish it and now post it.  I did keep filtering myself and trying to be “fair” to everyone and so there’s moments where I start to break through that and just say what I’m really feeling and then moments where I go back to restricting myself or feeling ashamed of what I’m saying.  This is all really good for me.  This is further helping me get past worrying about other’s responses or reactions to me.

It helps every time I get a favorable or supportive response, because it starts to rewrite in me what usually happens when I express myself.  It will eventually reach a point where I won’t be able to say that people respond to me unfavorably because it will no longer be true for me.  While I could get to a place of not caring about what other’s say on my own, I don’t have to fight quite so hard to do it when I start receiving different responses from others than what I’m used to.  My audience tends to be very silent and for the most part I’ve come to peace with that, but I’m seeing how much better and easier it is for me to push through when someone does respond in a more supportive way such as a recent commenter, Supreet, has been doing.  He says things in a more open, Aries-like way, and not so judgmental or closed and I can’t say how much I appreciate it.  His sharing his thoughts that people normally keep to themselves, does help give me courage to keep trying.  It does help me feel like I’m less alone in my fight and struggle to find my true voice and express it without fear.

It helps me see that it’s a two way street.  I’ve always taken responsibility for all my relationships failing because I didn’t know that the other person was suppose to contribute more to the relationship.  Whenever someone starts to contribute or share from their side, I feel such a burden come off of my shoulders, like it’s not ALL up to me.  I don’t have to do all of the work for things to happen or work out.  Having that contrast from what I normally experience with others, shines such a light on what I’ve been really dealing with.  Others don’t show up for life or for their relationship with me.  They are checked out and so yes I am left alone.  It’s not all my fault.

At any rate, here’s the video, and when I get more time I’ll come back to give a couple of links for the earthquake that I spoke about in the video.

Edit to add:  Here’s a link to the video where the man walks through the town right after the earthquake has happened.

And here’s another one with the view over the rooftops.  Since then, they’ve added a lot of annoying boxes making it hard to see the actual video, but I just wanted to point to this one specifically since I spoke about it in my video.

And one more with a compilation of 3 different videos.  The 3rd video, is one where I dreamt of an identical street and thoroughfare about a year or so ago.

Not So Bad After All

I’m starting to really gain traction in overcoming a lifelong fear and so I’m going to keep throwing myself into the fire.  I’m posting and putting myself out there more, even at work.  Although I’m barely getting a response, it’s like crickets out there.

That kind of hits at the core of my fear though, you know?  Like I finally start to come out of hiding and the reception is luke warm at best.  Luckily my focus is more on trying to do whatever I’m doing for my own personal enjoyment.

It felt really nice doing the video yesterday.  I was the most relaxed I can ever recall being in a situation like that.  I was much more comfortable in my skin.  Kind of like, hey . . . this isn’t so bad.

The biggest thing I’m learning out of the video blogs though, is from watching them myself later.  I know all of the things that were going through my head during that time, and it’s quite a different experience seeing what it looks like from the outside.

I find that my favorite parts, are the ones that normally I would’ve stopped the recording and started all over again to edit them out.  I’m seeing firsthand how I edit myself out of my life constantly.  Living it, I know exactly why I do it . . . but watching it from the other side, I’m like WHY in the HELL are you doing that?!  Let her come out more!

The parts where silly me slips out like when I crack myself up, can feel embarrassing to me on the inside, like “Woops, I wasn’t supposed to do that, I’m a grown up and grown ups don’t act like that.”

From this other perspective, I am understanding less why I worry so much about how people will receive me.  Watching as if I were meeting me for the first time, I find myself feeling, “I like this person.  I really like her.  If I were to meet someone like her in life, she would be my lifelong friend.”

The biggest shock of all is what I didn’t see.  I have all of these impressions and perspectives from what has been reflected back to me by others that I’ve been close to in life.  Those things absolutely do not match what I see.  From doing this exercise I’m only now becoming truly aware of how much what other people have projected onto me, isn’t me.

Prior to these vlogs (ah ah ah . . . sesame street count), I had never watched myself on video.  I never got to experience me for myself.

I’m not sure what I was expecting.  A villain?  Horns to appear when I began speaking?  My eyes to turn blood red?  I was expecting more of an attitude to be coming out of me.  I was expecting to look like I was just totally full of shit.  I was expecting to be annoyed or irritated by me.  I was expecting to watch me and be like, “I hate you, you disgust me.”  I was expecting to see hints of arrogance and like I was holier than thou.  Like I was trying to be something I’m not.  Like I’m trying to be better than I really am.

But after watching?  My perception about myself is changing vastly, because I’ll tell you something . . . if I were to meet someone like me in life, I wouldn’t even dream of treating her like I’ve been treated.  In fact, it’s appalling when I look back on my life.  My respect for about a dozen or so people in my life just totally went into the toilet, along with their ability to influence me.

I am very happy to have been able to meet and see me for myself so that I no longer have to take other people’s word for it.  I’m used to stories of people facing themselves in the mirror and not liking what they see.  I don’t know that I’ve ever heard of a story of someone facing themselves in the mirror and being surprised by how much they like who they see.

This is all I needed, I just needed to know for myself that I am not as horrible of a person as I thought.  That’s something I can take to my heart and give myself a safe harbor to weather storms.  From there, it’s okay if you don’t like me.  It’s okay if I’m alone.  It’s okay if I’m invisible.

I faced and judged myself with the same measures in which I judge others, and I experienced something completely unexpected.  I really like who I am.  If I were a man, I would adore, protect, and cherish someone like me.  I would do anything to make her happy and to keep her smiling and laughing.  If I were another woman meeting me, I would want to be best friends for life and would give thanks to the heavens every day that I had her in my life and would go on crazy girl adventures, getting into trouble and enjoying the hell out of life.

If I’m able to feel that way about myself, then there’s just no excuse for me allowing otherwise into my life.

Fought For Me

The Art Of Being Self

I stayed up waaaay too late last night.  I found a TV series on Netflix that has me completely enraptured.  I kept saying to myself, “Okay one more, but then I have to go to bed.”  I said that three times.  So, I finally listened to myself at 3:30am and went to bed.  My first alarm goes off at 5am.  (Yaaaay!)

It made for strange dreams and a little bit of a disorienting morning, but sometimes I need that to shake off the sludge that can collect and buildup on me.

Ever since Venus moved out of Aries and into Taurus (March 17), my feelings have turned to that of “art”.  Venus rules both Taurus and Libra.  They are both love feel good signs.  They rule throat and kidneys respectively.  If the pathway between the two are blocked or restricted in any way, it becomes more difficult for a person to “feel good”.  It becomes more difficult to have patience or to love or be open.  Think about how *loving* you feel when you’re in the middle of a horrible cold or flu, and you’ll get the idea.

Venus also rules the arts.  On March 31, Mars also moved into Taurus.  My feelings have moved even more solidly into the general topic of art.  The connection between feeling good, feeling love, and how much more naturally I wish to do something artistic the more I feel those things.

With my natal chart setup how it is, it has been suggested that I would be an excellent dancer (I adore dancing, but only when I’m alone).  I have many artistic inclinations.  However I also have a fear of doing anything personal or artistic or creative when there is an audience.  But with hard work, I can move so much into the art form that I’m doing, that I no longer care or worry about whether there is an audience because I find too much joy in doing the art itself to care what anyone else thinks about it.

With the current transits (where the planets currently are in the sky), I began to think of art in a different way.  I felt all of the creative and artistic energy that I give so little opportunity to be expressed in the world.  It’s like I hold it’s head under water trying to drown it.  Trying to make it go away so that I’m not forced to face my fears, my insecurities.

But this was exactly when the new understanding of art began to emerge from my thoughts.  Creativity.  Creativity is the act of birthing something new into the world.  Taking something that was in the ethers, in the unseen, and expressing it in some form in this world.  Making something out of seemingly nothing.

I often think of creativity and art as being an established form, such as visual arts, writing, dance . . . you know,  the arts.  I have spent a lot of time learning about and discerning the different energies I sense and then using that information to follow it further to see connections between things that I haven’t seen before.  So I used that learned ability to feel the energy simply known as ‘art’ inside of me and then opened up a space within to see what new information or connection it had to show or share with me.

You know how hard it can be to forgive someone who has hurt you or wronged you in some way?  How hard it can be to move past it or let go?  The work that goes into it?  The very act of doing that . . . that is creativity, that is art.  It is the same energy, exertion, and discipline used that a well received artist employs.

Have you ever seen the feet of a professional ballerina?  The fingers of an expert violinist?  It’s something personal inside that drives them to reach these levels and we see it physically in the beauty and refinement they bring into the world for both their own and other’s enjoyment.

Moving from a place of hurt or pain, into one of true forgiveness and letting go, is bringing something out of seemingly nothing.  Moving from a place of fear or terror in a situation, into one of peace and acceptance . . . that is an act of creation.  It is an art form.  The result of that hard work is seen in the character and personality of a person, and the beauty and refinement that person brings into the world that wasn’t there before.

Which brings me to this morning’s thoughts about art.

I was writing in my journal and reminding myself to settle down into my body and just be happy being me.  Not someone special, not someone who has to put on a show, not someone who has to know the answers or lecture . . . but just the art of being myself at all times with no pretenses.  It hit me only as I wrote it, just how true that statement is.  Learning to be myself has been in itself a lifelong art form.

I’ve seen my past as suffering and something I had to endure.  I’ve seen it as tragic and painful.  I’ve seen all of the immense and intense hard work I’ve put into myself in the past decade as healing.  But what I have not seen, is what it truly has been . . . a refining of self.

Adversity, struggle, pain, suffering, fear . . . these things teach us.  They make us stronger.  They remove what isn’t real or true about us.  When you survive something you didn’t think you could survive . . . when you heal from something that you thought would kill you . . . you become so much more than you were before.  When you start to learn how to bend in life, instead of break . . . that is when you truly start to live.

My physical body and incarnation at this time on Earth, is like an instrument that my soul and spirit are learning how to play and master.  Just like when I first learned how to play the flute, I would practice the 12 major scales and arpeggios over and over for hours.  The chromatic scale as many octaves as I could handle over and over.  Working out the weaknesses, the kinks.  Strengthening my embouchure.  Making my fingers more quick and nimble.  Increasing my capacity for breath and control.  Over years, coming together for longer sustained periods of what I can only describe as a state of grace . . . when the instrument, music, and my spirit merged into a single flow of being . . . and I was at peace with myself and the world.  I only knew warmth and love and expression of that love through my flute.

I am learning how to do that as a human.  How to master being who I really am as a soul while in human form . . . and the motivation being for the love and joy of the art itself when it all comes together into a state of grace and being.  The sum of my life . . . the sum of all I’ve been through and the sum of how I choose to use those experiences to become a more true expression of my soul while incarnated . . . that is my artistic expression.  It doesn’t matter where I’m at or what I’m doing . . . I can practice my art in all things and in all ways.  I don’t have to find the right occupation that will bring me happiness . . . I can learn how to be me and at peace with myself and life in whatever I do because that is the more true objective in my life.

I’m learning how to be in a state of being regardless of circumstances, not how to stop the circumstances from being.

Being a Cat

There’s Nothing You Can Do About Me Loving You

I’ve got a bone to pick.

I, as my own sovereign being, have my very own feelings.  Feelings that I get to feel for no other reason than that they exist.

My issue is that at every turn, I am told in some shape, way, or form that I am wrong in my feelings.  Not outright.  Nobody is outright saying, “Hey Jenn!  You’re an effing liar!”  No.  I would actually prefer if people did that, because that is something I recognize and understand how to fight.

I am surrounded by people that I love very much.  People who do not think very highly of themselves.  Who think less of themselves than they really are.  They are completely and thoroughly convinced that they are undeserving and unworthy of being loved.

I feel people at the Soul level (Neptune/Moon in Sag. conjunction).  I feel the Truth of a person.  I feel my Soul and my Soul feels their Soul.  I know my heart.  I know what I know and I know what I feel.

When I feel love for someone, and I share that feeling with them, whether in the feelings in my words or in my presence, it is genuine.  It’s from my Soul.  My Big Momma Heart.

I don’t have an ulterior motive.  I’m not thinking, ‘Oh, I’ll be here for you now in your hard time so that you are here for me in my hard time.’  I’m not thinking anything.  I’m simply being, emoting, existing in that moment with you.  The only thing I wish for and want, is for what I’m giving, what I’m offering . . . to be received with an open heart.

That is the absolutely most respectful thing that could be done in response to when I go to give of myself in that way.  When the person allows it into them, it fills my heart with warmth and love,  and what better gift could a person be given than to be filled with warmth and love?

But do you know what I get met with instead?

I am met with people closed to receiving.  They think so little of themselves, they refuse to allow anyone to love or comfort them.  All they have are excuses, excuses, excuses.  They think themselves broken beyond repair.  They think nobody can help them or save them.  They’re special in that nobody can reach them or help them.  “Yeah, but in my case . . . ”

It’s not true.  I can see and feel that it’s not true.  I can feel their Soul asking for help.  “Please help me.”  But the mother ‘effin humans themselves?  God save us all, you get in your own stupid way!

Seriously.  In that situation, of the two of us, who do you think is in a better place to have a more healthy and realistic perspective?  So, if something in me says, “This person is in need of care and comfort.” and then the person runs a play that says they are undeserving of being loved or cared for . . . well, don’t you think that’s your problem right there?  You never let love or care in?

And what it immediately says to me, to my feelings, is that my feelings are wrong.  I feel that you need love and care, and you don’t believe it for any reason whether consciously or subconsciously, and then you proceed to try to convince ME that you don’t need or deserve love or care?  Then you sir (or madam) are attempting to tell me that my feelings are wrong, and that does not sit well with me.

You can run around and think and feel whatever stupid nonsense you want to, that is your own damn business.  But don’t you DARE waste any of your time or energy trying to convince me or make me believe that I shouldn’t love you.  Don’t you DARE try to belittle or even hint to me that I am not allowed to fully feel my feelings of love for you just because you believe so LITTLE in yourself!  I don’t care if you hate yourself, you do NOT get to tell me that I don’t love you because of your OWN BULLSHIT!

There is nothing you can do about me loving you. :<

 Fire Lion

This Light Inside Of Me Is Mine. There Are Many Like It, But This One Is Mine.

Omg, where did I go?  It’s like I fell off the face of the Earth these last couple of months.  This was the first time since I started actively writing on this blog, that I skipped an entire month without posting.  Sorry, November 2014, you don’t get a place of your own in my archive list.  {A moment of silence 😦 }

Now, that’s not to say I didn’t think of you guys, I most certainly did.  This place has come to feel like a favorite hangout of mine, and my readers are like all of the cool random people that I run into while at my hangout.

But regardless of whether you’re an extrovert or introvert, highly sensitive or . . . I don’t know . . . what’s the opposite of that?  Insensitive?  {shoulder shrug},  we all have those times in our lives when things get so intense, we have to kind of withdraw from our usual activities in order to take care of business.  And so it was for me.

Are things now less intense for me?  Not even close.  But there’s no sign of it slowing down, and so I’ve shifted my focus from trying to ‘survive’ it, to pushing myself to the next level and owning it.  This isn’t about ‘why me, god?! why me!?’, it’s about, “Hey Jenn.  You have a ton of untapped potential.  But for some reason, you can’t seem to push yourself enough to be motivated to really get in there, so we’re going to do you a little favor and apply some much needed pressure and challenge so that you are forced to bring your A-Game to life.”

And bravo life, because it’s working.

This last Friday, however, I felt like the universe finally threw me a bone.  “Here’s a gold star for your insane efforts these last months, just so you don’t completely give up as we continue to dump truckloads of ‘WTF?’ on your head.”

Things have been so intense, that I had forgotten that Facebook even existed, but on Friday I suddenly felt the need to check it.  I saw that I had a new friend request from someone I knew years ago.  Plus, an added bonus, it was someone I liked.  So I accepted the request, and then suddenly she was messaging me.  She was so excited to have found me, which I have to say, there’s no feeling quite like someone being so gosh durn happy to have gotten in touch with you.

But it gets even better.

About 5 years ago, I had done an astrology reading for her.  Shortly after this, life called each of us away and we completely lost contact with each other.  Anyways, on Friday, she reminded me that I had said during the coming months of that time, she would meet the love of her life.  (I’m pretty sure I said she had the ‘potential’ of meeting the love of her life . . . I’m uber cautious like that).

The relationship she was just coming out of at the time had completely imploded in on itself, and oh so much ‘no no no no no’ was happening with it.  Now, I’m not the kind of person who will just tell people what I think they want to hear so that they don’t lose hope or give up.  In fact, I’d personally be thinking that a relationship was the last thing she needed, and if I remember correctly, she wasn’t interested herself.  But I do have a faint memory of seeing a coming transit in her chart that stood out so strong and bright, that despite the current situation feeling to the contrary. . . I shared with her what I saw.

Well . . . it turns out, that around the indicated time, she *did* meet someone.  4 1/2 years later, and they are still together and going strong.  She said she had been wanting to get ahold of me to tell me thank you for having opened her up to the possibility, that I had changed her life.

I sat in my seat stunned.  I remember my short stint of doing astrology readings for others.  I didn’t feel real confident in myself, and I didn’t feel like I was really helping anyone.  People would schedule a reading, I’d give it, and then that would be the end of it.  In fact, that basically describes my entire life.  I feel like I put so much into everything I do . . . then dead silence . . . and then that’s the end of that.

My natal Pluto on the Descendant is a real bastard, let me tell ya.  Just seeing the words I used above I can tell you that’s what is at play here.  “Dead Silence.”  No feedback.  No response.  I put myself out there over and over, and get no response or ping or reflection from others about myself.  It’s just me showing myself, and then that disappears into a black hole known as “Other”.

The Descendant is the Other in our lives.  Relationships.  It’s naturally ruled by Libra (and Venus).  Mine happens to also be ruled by Libra.  Relationships in our life are incredibly important because it’s the only way we really get to know ourselves separate from other people.  Aries, the Individual Self, is in natural opposition to Libra, the Other.  It’s the push and pull between these two, that helps us understand ourselves in relation to others and helps us further refine what we know about ourselves.

If a person were to go their whole life with no human interaction, they would be hard pressed to be able to understand who they were as an individual because there is no compare and contrast.  There is nothing to initiate the inner ‘I am this, I am not this’ dialogue.

I know that some of the point of how my natal chart is set up, is to learn to do things for me and because I want to, and not based on other’s response or lack of.  But that’s easier said than done.

Because there is nothing like putting your whole heart and soul into a project, and then when finished, all you hear is absolute silence coming from the audience, followed by the quiet shuffle as everyone gets up to leave the theater in an unenthused, quiet, and orderly fashion as if they had just been to a lecture on the benefits of using certain types of soil for the best lawn results.  It is so demoralizing.  It is incredibly hard to keep up self confidence and inspiration when you’re met with that time and time again.

Btw, that is also my Saturn in Leo in 5th, if you notice the theater verbiage and being ‘orderly’.  The words we use to describe things tell us so much more about the situation then we commonly realize.

Pluto is the Lord of the Underworld.  Death and Transformation.  It is the state a human can become even while alive.  They become zombie-like.  They lack life.  They are essentially dead.  They cannot be roused up out of their rut.  They are incapable of seeing or entertaining the idea of a world or existence outside of what they view as a cold and cruel world.  They’ve given up.  They are perpetual victims, never seeing their role in why situations in their life plays out like it does.  It’s always other people’s fault.  They become like broken records, repeating the same upset and depressing things over and over, year after year.  They will gladly take any life you have to give, but will have nothing to give in return because they don’t use what they are given to truly change their lives, only to sustain their current way of life.

That is what I face every day of my life with Pluto on the Descendant.  People who have lost their spirit, their will to live, and have let their light go out inside.  They have nothing in them to give back, and anything they try to do in order to give the appearance that they are giving back, is just dead and hollow.  Compliments don’t mean anything because they are not real or true, they are just what is done because they either want to appear as a good person or appear to have something to give so that people that are carrying light, don’t leave them.  They don’t want to be alone in the dark with no light, but they haven’t quite figured out that they need to do something to re-ignite their own light instead of trying to steal, capture, hold, possess, etc. someone else’s light as their own.

In order to re-ignite your light after you have let it go out, you have to go through an intense process of death and rebirth while alive (born again anyone?).  And if you can’t dig deep and find the strength in you to overcome that test, then you could die for real.  Or, you could live out the rest of your life as one of the walking dead who are never happy, but it’s not your fault because life is unfair, and focus all of your time promoting how hard you have it and how it never gets better, instead of putting that energy into making some real changes in your life.

So my light goes into these deep black holes, never to be seen again and never reflecting back to me the light I shine for them.  For the longest time, I have also seen myself as a black hole . . . the same as is reflected back to me by these walking dead others.  Because they have nothing to give back, and what they do is usually false or fake, I have a hard time trying to convince myself that I’m not that, without feeling deluded.

I do recognize how I can be capable of those same behaviors, especially when I get worn down enough and haven’t been taking good care of myself or enforcing boundaries between me and others like I should.  I know what it feels like to be the walking dead, because I have taken many unwilling journeys into the Underworld.

But the big difference between me and those others in my life so far, is that at some point, The Fighter . . . The Warrior in me, all of my Aries Rising, Venus, Mars, South Node . . . surfaces and I fight my way back into the light screaming like an Amazonian Banshee on Fire the entire way. (RAAAWWWWWR!)  I gain clarity.  I know who I am and who I am not.  I rise to the challenge, my swords blazing and cutting through the darkness and shadows.  I will not let the darkness put out my precious light for any reason or for any person.  I fight for my light, so that I do not become lost and self-absorbed.

There is a distinct difference between taking good care of yourself, protecting yourself, standing up for yourself . . . and only thinking about yourself and acting like you’re the only person on the planet with any problems.  One is to protect your own light from being stolen or letting it go out and becoming one of the dead . . . and the other is being one of the dead and taking light from others.

When I do get fired up and my Inner Warrior comes out, I have immense confidence and I definitely do not need anyone’s approval or feedback.  But it’s no longer enough for me to just come out guns-a-blazing and mowing down everyone in my path, I must learn how to consistently hold this clarity of my individual self, even while interacting and being completely surrounded by these walking dead.  I think ideally, without so much bloodshed.

I’m not entirely sure that I knew what I was signing up for when I came down here.  There’s a good reason we are made to forget, until we are strong enough to remember.  It’s best that I didn’t know how hard it would be.

How hard it is to climb the stairs to a center stage, knowing that you must perform with your entire heart and soul for there to be any chance of impact at all, but also knowing that you will not be given a sign or any kind of indication of how your performance was viewed or received.  Just straight up faith and belief in yourself.  Even if you’re the only one in the whole wide world who believes in you, but . . . without getting defensive or closing your heart to that whole wide world.

Although . .  as I start to let that part of me show, my heart and soul (and in new experiences of what that even means), the universe rewards me with that rare treat of hearing that I had a real impact on a person’s life.  Friday was one of those rare moments, that followed quickly on the heals of me changing how I was interacting with others in my life.  Makes me feel like Pavlov’s dog.  “You rang the bell, you get a treat.”  It freaking works, I’ll tell you what.  Never do I feel so motivated to keep pushing through the dark, than when I start hitting definite markers that point to the most direct route out of the Underworld.

So if you happen to see a great big ball of flame whizzing by, screaming like the Furies, swords-a-flying, slicing a pathway through the dark, don’t be alarmed.  It’s just Jenn on her daily commute.

 sour fruit thieves

To The Robin Williams Of The World

His death is hitting me pretty hard.  It’s hard to see someone make it to 63 and still decide to give up the fight.  It’s hard to see how much genuine love, warmth, and kindness he had to give to everyone . . . but wasn’t able to see himself in the same way that we experienced him.

It makes me think of others in my life, who do a similar thing.  So hard and critical of themselves.  Never giving themselves a break.  Never seeing themselves through other’s eyes.  Never seeing how truly loving, gentle, humbling, and kind they are or what it is they do and bring into other’s lives.

So much focus on being perfect.  On not being good enough.  Or not meeting expectations.  So much attention on what it is that they’re doing wrong, that they miss all of the things that they’re doing right.  Not appreciating or valuing what it is they actually bring to the table of life.

And it’s heartbreaking.  It’s heartbreaking to see someone so genuine, real, warm, gentle, loving . . . something the world is so greatly lacking in right now, not know or see or comprehend the tremendous value they bring to us.

What are we doing to ourselves that we value these things *so* little, that those who are filled with genuineness, love, and warmth, are made to feel like they are worthless?  I can’t say enough how heartbreaking this is.  How reflective this is of the state of things.  The useless bickering and complete bullshit nonsense that we waste our lives on.  It makes me feel so angry inside and hurt.  It makes me feel ashamed to be a human.

I feel pathetic in the face of things like this.  It makes me realize how easily I can become lost in trivial things.  Robin was said to not just be generous with material items, but with his time.  He gave of himself.  Time and being fully present with another human being is the most valuable thing you could give to another person.  It’s personal because you only have a finite amount of it to spend in a lifetime, so who you spend it with and how you choose to spend it is important.

What is it all for?  Why do we do all of the things we do each day, if it’s not from a place of love?  What is the point of being alive if it’s just to exist or to survive?  We all act like when we get *there* or get that future goal accomplished or conquered or overcome, THEN we’ll feel better or feel alright.  But that never fucking happens.

And do you want to know why?  Because we forget to be in love while on the journey.  We forget to be in love with the journey.  Whether you are a scientist, analyst, journalist, comedian, housewife, janitor . . . it doesn’t matter, you should still be coming from a place of love from within yourself.  No excuses.

I’m sorry.  I’m feeling really angry and sorrowful inside.  I feel like we just lost one of the truly good ones in the world.  I am angry that he didn’t get to feel and know inside of himself while alive, how important and valuable his gifts were to the world.  I am angry that the collective wasn’t willing or able to reflect back to him, what he so freely gave to the collective.

I’m angry that I currently live in a world where someone like him is made to feel alone and isolated and so desperate to end the pain he felt inside.  And some of the heartless remarks made in reference to him taking his own life . . . all I have to say to any and all of those folks is, “Fuck.You.”

And an energetic punch to the face.  Because fuck you again.

I know what it’s like to fight depression myself.  I know what it’s like to have someone you love and very close to you try to take their life.  It is not a black and white issue.

From everything that I’ve personally experienced & witnessed in regards to true depression and attempted/successful suicide, is that it stems from an internal fight inside to try and keep your heart intact while trying to learn how to navigate and survive a world that’s become ruled by cold and heartless people who aren’t even aware themselves that they are cold and heartless.

It is the toughest battle a human can embark on.  It takes incredible heart and courage to make the decision everyday to fight that battle.  Every day you make it, is a personal triumph and something to be proud of.  So when one of those who are fighting the good fight goes down?  Give them the motherfucking respect they deserve for having made it that far.

Live Courageously

The War Outside and The War Within

I’ve been giving a lot of thought to the Aries/Libra axis lately.  Obviously something in me is trying to work itself out.  Trying to finish reconciling.

So let’s take a walk together, shall we?

I have a loaded 1st house (natural house of Aries), and lots of Aries itself.  Along with the ruler of the 1st house and Aries, Mars . . . IN Aries in the 1st house.  Along with my South Node, Venus, Chiron, Mercury, and two not shown here (but that play a big part in my life) are Eris (conjunct my ascendant) and Sedna (conjunct my Chiron).  There’s a lot going on in my house of Self.

Natal First House

Aries.  It is the new spark of life.  It is consciousness.  It is action and movement.  It’s what forces the flowers in spring to push and rise through the dirt to the surface.  It is presence and spirited energy.  Motivation.  Leadership taking you into new territory.  Mars is what our motivation is.  Mine is in Aries and in the 1st house, I’m extraordinarily self-motivated.  I don’t wait around for someone to tell me what needs to be done, I get on top of stuff immediately.

This energy is competitive.  It’s also known as the warrior.  The fighter.  It’s animal instinct for survival.  It is the fight, flight, or freeze response we have.  (My poor, poor adrenal glands.)  It’s will power.  It’s a persevering energy.  You gotta do, what you’ve gotta do.  There’s no point sitting around bitching and moaning about it, get your ass in gear and just DO it.  It’s very personal energy.  It’s very *real* and raw.

Having such a large emphasis of this energy, very much of my life has been focused on survival.  When you’re in survival mode, you don’t have the time or luxury to be laying about and enjoying the good life.  You can’t put your defense down.  You have to focus and be fully present.  You need clarity.  You need a clear head and there’s no time for bullshit or goofing around.

Libra on the other hand, is the sign of the diplomat or politician.  It’s more cultured.  Ruled by Venus, it’s all things beautiful and harmonious.  The designer clothes, the pedicured toes, the waxed eyebrows.  Situations are not life or death.  You have time to talk it over and see both sides and try to be fair about it.  Libra is the balancer.  Regaining equilibrium.  As well as going to extremes.  People that I know that have an emphasis in Libra energy, tend to go to extremes until they learn how to reel that energy in and use it appropriately.

It’s also not very action-oriented.  It doesn’t want to do anything if it doesn’t HAVE to do it.  The shadow of Libra can be seen in those who were raised in a privileged lifestyle and never forced to do something they don’t want to do.  They can become out of touch with the “common” people (those gross Aries peasants).  Because they are not forced into life and death situations, they make up ones.  The ones that you see having a complete meltdown because their parents got them the wrong model of Mercedes for their 16th birthday and *ruined* their life . . . is a Libran shadow.

When you go too far into Libra-hood without tempering it with some Aries clarity and presence-in-the-moment-ness, you can start becoming disconnected or out of touch from real life.  You can get so wrapped up in trying to be “fair” to everyone that nothing ever actually gets done.  You can get caught up in bureaucratic red tape.  The actual individual people are no longer seen.  It becomes about looking good, or being perceived as caring about the individual people . . . when really you have no idea what they’re really going through.  The average modern-day politician is an example of the Libra shadow.

If the spring flower were to suddenly go all Libra shadow on us, it wouldn’t bother to leave it’s seed.  “It’s too harrrrd.  I don’t wanna . . . It’s not fair!  The dirt is all gross and yucky!”  My point being, there is a genuine need for this Aries energy in life, otherwise everything would wither and die.  Nothing new would begin or happen.

If you remember mythology, you also know that Mars/Ares were related to war.  When you’re talking about War and Peace, you are effectively talking about the Aries and Libra axis.  You are talking about the Western World and The Middle East.  Us vs. Them.

So as I’ve been thinking about this Aries/Libra axis, I keep thinking of a project that was done by Lalage Snow, a photojournalist.  He took pictures of British soldiers before, during, and after war.  Here’s one of a million articles done on it, Lalage Snow’s ‘We Are The Not Dead’ shows the face of war.

I was completely fascinated with these photos.  Being an analyst by nature and as a professional, I didn’t bother reading the surrounding text.  I immediately went to each comparison and looked for what each had in common with each other.  I looked to see what story each one told.  I did not expect what I saw.  In fact, what I noticed was so surprising to me that it led to a whole new understanding of the Aries/Libra axis that I’ve been sharing with you.

I’m going to share some of the photos with you, and again these belong to photojournalist Lalage Snow if you want to look him up yourself.  Take a look at them yourself before reading what I personally saw.

Lalage Snow Soldier 2

Lalage Snow Soldier 1

Lalage Snow Soldier 5

Lalage Snow Soldier 4

Lalage Snow Soldier 3

You may need to click on them to see the larger version to really see their faces.  I had already made up my mind what I had for sure seen before I read anyone else’s comments regarding them.  I was surprised to find that there was so much focus on the tragedy of war, and not noticing something that seemed as obvious as the nose on my face.  That in itself was a bit of a reality check for myself.  That maybe what is obvious to me, is not so obvious to others and why maybe it’s not such a bad idea to share my opinion.

Every single photo, the middle picture which was them during war, their spirit is fully present.  They are in the here and now.  They are aware.  They are very conscious and alert.  There is a light in their eyes that is not present in the other photos.  They.are.alive.  They are not shying away from confrontation.  That focused look you see in their eyes, that is the look of Aries.  Shit is real.  The after photos, you can see how each person as an individual, is trying to handle going back to living as a civilian.  Being surrounded by people who didn’t go through what they went through and so they can’t understand what they are experiencing.

When you go through something that intense, and then come back to people whining and complaining about stupid shit that doesn’t really matter in life, it’s hard to continue to stay present in your body.  It’s hard to process your own emotions and feelings because you don’t have anyone who really gets what you went through, so you end up feeling alone and isolated.  Aries.  Self.  The Lone Warrior.  You go from knowing minute by minute what is most important and cutting the rest of the bullshit out, to listening to politicians go on and on about stuff that doesn’t match reality and bombarded with all these commercials trying to convince you that their shit is super important and you need it.

Back in the day when indigenous cultures still held rituals that marked different stages in our lives, there was a whole process and ritual around the returning warriors.  There was story telling.  There was recognition.  There was a period of re-integration back into their community.  They were held with honor and respect for what they had been through.  Our warriors are now kicked to the side and left to pick up the pieces of their lives on their own.  They’re told that there’s nothing wrong with them and to suck it up.  Because people disagree with the politics of what is happening, they take their frustration out on the individual soldiers instead of the ones actually responsible for the war.

Which brings me to the question of why we still have war in this day and age.

The main obstacle that I personally see for why we still have war, is that the ones who make all of the policies and decisions, are all lost in the shadows of Libra-hood.  They have become too disconnected from reality, from the common people.  They no longer understand how their choices and decisions are really affecting those of us on the ground.  They hold the power and the money.  They can make a lot happen with so little effort.  They’re caught up in their own little power plays between each other.  They know how to play “the game” to get their way.

Then you have the people.  Who have all been thrown into survival mode by the really shitty and selfish choices of the powerful who are all playing games with our lives.  I would venture to say that humanity as a whole is in survival mode (Uranus is currently transiting Aries . . . the planet that represents humanity in the sign of survival), except the people in power don’t want anyone panicking . . . so they keep pretending like everything’s okay.  Just like how the soldiers are told that they’re fine and to suck it up, the general populace is really feeling the pain . . . but they’re being told they’re fine.

That leads to repression of that Aries fire.  That fight.  That energy that causes something new to rise up and come into being.  The Western World’s Aries fight energy has been repressed.  Nature must have balance.  So what we’re seeing, is The Middle East acting out the Aries energy that we’re repressing.  The Western World is seeing their shadow be played out in the Middle East.

The micro and the macro.  The individual represses their animalistic tendencies, and their partner ends up acting them out.  The country represses their animalistic tendencies, another country will be forced to act them out.

However.  Having said that . . . the Aries shadow is in it’s impulsiveness and unawareness of others.  I’m sure most of you have seen what we call in the US, rednecks, getting ready to just grab their guns and go shoot up the enemy.  There’s an incredible amount of ignorance going on in the Aries spectrum.  You shoot first, ask questions later.  You can’t have that kind of person making decisions for the country.  They’re only aware of their way and screw anyone who is different from them.  They do not care what your side of the story is.  This is how this is and that’s just how it’s going to be.

So there is obviously a gap here.  We have the rich and powerful living way too distant from real life, and we have the poor and trying to survive folks who aren’t really interested in the greater good . . . just “getting theirs”.  There needs to be something to bridge the gap.

Which brings me back to the changes I’m going through right now.  I have that emphasis in 1st house, Aries, & Mars.  I’m most definitely one of the “peasants”.  But I’ve been doing a LOT of observing and learning and understanding of the world and it’s ways and why things are like they are during my life.  And now there’s a new emphasis suddenly in my astrology in regards to all of that Libra energy on my ascendant (solar return, lunar nodal return).

I can feel it working hard inside of me trying to bridge that very gap.  I swear I can almost see it, almost make sense of it all.  That blended energy of Aries clarity with Libra temperance.  An awareness of reality, along with needing to be aware of how different decisions affect people of many different lifestyles and cultures.  I feel the information I’ve collected throughout my life starting to form and take shape.  And it’s strongly related to this energy axis.

But I don’t need to figure it out for the whole world.  I only need to figure it out for myself and live from there.  And then let everything else take care of itself.