Instead Of Condemning The Bullies, How About We Help Show Them A Better Way

Earlier while watching a moving and inspirational video clip that a friend of mine shared on facebook, I felt a loving and patient mama bear emerge from within who had something she wanted to say.

The video clip can be found here, and the article is titled A Developmentally Challenged Boy is Getting Bullied.  What His Peers Do Will Surprise You. It’s about a young boy with a disability who has been getting bullied, and many of his classmates showing their support for him.

What was most touching for me, was seeing one of the young boys who was supporting the bullied child get choked up with tears while speaking about what they were doing, and then the reassuring pats on the shoulder from his friends.  Not to mention the bullied child, Danny, is just about the most adorable thing you’ll see all day.  {big choked up super sigh}

But in that same moment, I felt my heart grow 3 sizes bigger (you know . . . Grinch-like . . . because it is the holidays and all) and I felt a pull and need also go out to the ones who do the bullying.

[Side note: Because I don’t want to take away from the inspiration and message of the video, I’d like to shift the focus from it being about the bullies of this specific incident to making it about bullies in general, even though I may refer to the incident as an example.]

What came up, was a feeling of sorrow and heartbreak for the bullies as well as the bullied.  The same kind of feeling that might come up in a mother who has just found out her own child has been hurt and humiliated, except I felt it simultaneously for both sides.

As the clip went on, I felt a sense of warmth, healing, and support for the one who was bullied.  I felt hope.  I felt very proud of the boy’s classmates for making such a gesture.  Peer pressure in school is harsh, and these young boys had to have a lot of courage to do what they did.

But the part of me that felt the sorrow and heartbreak for the bullies, continued to feel cold and neglected.  And it hurt.  And it made me want to cry for them.  It made me want to hold them in my arms in love.  All of them.  Because they are young too . . . and they are already losing their way . . . and I don’t ever see anyone stepping in to help them with love, compassion, or support.

Children model what they are shown (in their own individualistic way).  And for bullies, somewhere along the line, the adults and people in their lives have let them down.  They are then punished for it, and made to carry the burden of their ancestor’s sins.  How are they supposed to learn acceptance, understanding, and forgiveness when they are shunned, out-casted, and repeatedly told how despicable bullies are by all of society?

It feels like the moment we put the label “bully” onto a child, they cease to become human.  They become these ugly, snarly-toothed, drooling, incomprehensible monsters (Tasmanian Devil comes to mind) that everyone comes to boo and hiss and throw tomatoes at.  Booo!  You Loser!  How dare you make a bad life decision at the age of six!  You should probably go ahead and pack your bags and leave the planet because you’re not wanted here.

Okay, so maybe I’m over exaggerating. (maybe.)

But I think the point I’m trying to make is that we need to separate unacceptable behavior from the person themselves.  Their behavior is what is unacceptable.  Not them.  How ironic is it that we cannot see that the bully is not his bad behavior, even as we punish him (or her. equal opportunity for being an asshole.) for not seeing or understanding that the disability (or insert whatever here. . . being poor, ugly, uncoordinated, etc.) is not the identity of the kid they are bullying?

Are we not a world just brimming to the teeth full of hypocrisy and judgment?

Quit polarizing.  It’s unflattering and it makes your ass look fat.

I feel if we really want to put a stop to things such as bullying, we need to stop bullying the bully.  (<— wait . . . am I currently being a bully to the people bullying the bulliers . . . oh lawd help me!)

Because truthfully, we all have an inner bully.  Whether it’s towards ourselves or others . . . spoken out loud or kept quiet deep inside of us . . . it’s there.  “I’m too fat.”  “I’m such an idiot.”  “I’m so ugly.”  “I’m hungry.”  (That last one was just to see if you were paying attention.  And I’m actually hungry.)  When we are so ruthless and unforgiving of bullies, we are being just as ruthless and unforgiving of our own inner bully.

If we are sincere in our wish to stop the bullying, then I feel the entire approach and the way we perceive it needs to be completely revolutionized.  Instead of ‘good victimized kid’ vs. ‘bad devil spawn kid’, we need to see them both as children who are in a long trial and error process of learning how to grow into awesome adult version of themselves within a world full of other awesome human beings (that are sometimes going to act like assholes).

Maybe when a situation like this happens, we could doing something like bring the kid that was bullied and all of his friends into one area.  Bring the kid that was bullying and all of their friends into another area.  Have understanding, supportive adults who are capable of being in a non-judgmental space with each group.

Have each group hold the space for them (the bullier and bullied), to let them vent out their feelings regarding the situation.  Not judge if it’s right or wrong . . . just let them say whatever needs to come out.  Let the friends they trust, be there to give witness to their pain or anger or upset.  Not try to rush it.  Not try to fix it.  Not try to justify it.  Not try to make it less than it is.  Just to let them have the feelings they are having.

The adults can stand as the solid ground for the students as they work to get themselves right side up.

Once a feeling of peace, calm, acceptance, and understanding has become the dominant tone for the whole group, (for both groups) . . . then make the transition of moving both groups together into a 3rd neutral area, and allow the two halves to harmonize with each other (the same way as they did as separate groups) and mend the break/hurt that happened due to the situation.

It doesn’t mean they have to agree or even like each other.

But they can gain expanded awareness and understanding of things that are different outside of themselves.  They can learn how to respect and honor those differences.  They can learn how to accept people as they are without trying to change or control them.  And because of that, they can learn how to accept all of themselves as well . . . including their own inner bully.

Because they will have been shown, that even if they mess up or have a bad day and act like a total jackass, they won’t be hung from the ceiling by their toenail and tortured with an organic carrot . . . instead, they’ll be given priceless tools that will help them in real life as adults by showing them how to make amends (regardless of what ‘side’ they’re on), as well as being given an opportunity to try again with a sense of community and support.

Instead of condemning the bullies, how about we show them a better way.

Or maybe do this.

Or maybe do this.

The Tale of Those *With* and *Without*

Once upon a time there was a world where a person’s awareness and focus was the sole currency.  Their *attention*.

And in this world, there were those who knew how to tap into their own internal source in order to have plenty of *attention* to spend on whatever they felt was most important and valuable.  Whatever they spent it on, gave it life.  They were allowed to spend their resource in any way they wished.

And also in this world, there were others who did not yet know how to tap into their own internal source.  They were dependent on the *attention* of those who did have their own internal source.

The ones *with* the resources, held a great responsibility in caring for those *without* the resource.  They also held the responsibility in teaching and preparing those *without*, how to one day become one of those *with*.

A simple system was used.

When those *without* behaved in a way that was aligned with those *with*, they were rewarded with *attention*.  If they then chose to spend that *attention* wisely, it would bring them closer to the next level of their development, and ever closer to becoming one of those *with*.

Becoming one of those *with*, granted a person the much coveted freedom of no longer being dependent on others, as well as no longer having to do what others said for your survival.  But with it also came the shared burden of responsibility for those *without*.

The road going from *without* to *with* was a long one.  Along the path, a person *without* had to learn many things such as discipline, strength, courage, patience, humility, kindness, love, and integrity.

They had to learn faith and perseverance, even when their journey became strewn with obstacles and nothing made sense.

They had to learn how to trust that those *with* could see the bigger picture having made the journey themselves . . . even if it seemed that they were being unfair or unjust.  Those *without* didn’t have to like it, but they needed to learn to respect it.

There were many, many things to learn and understand along the way.  Those who were eager, open, & genuine were able to move through the process quickly.  Those who were stubborn, prideful, & impatient . . . took a little longer to get through.

Each ultimately had the same tasks to learn, because every.single.one was necessary in order to even become capable of becoming a person *with*.  But to allow for each person’s individuality, they were allowed to choose for themselves the way in which they went about learning it.

They were also allowed to go at the pace that best suited them, with the understanding that there was a deadline for each cycle.  When this time came, each would be given a personalized final exam that they would have to pass in order to graduate and become a person *with*.  If a person did not pass, they would have to be held back and continue their education.

Things worked well at the beginning of the cycle because there was plenty of time, and everyone felt at ease to be their own person without any threat.

But as it neared the end of the cycle, and the looming final exams that would be the deciding factor on who would graduate and become the ones *with* and who would need to continue as ones *without* . . . those who had been goofing off and spending their *attention* unwisely. . . started to panic and become desperate.

Because of their deficiency in *attention* from not aligning themselves in the given time with the ones who were *with*, they were low in awareness and in the dark about what was happening.

Some used the fear as an opportunity to get back on their path.  But many instead tried to use what *attention* they had, to lie, trick, and steal *attention* and awareness from other students who had been learning their lessons diligently all along and had quite a bit of *attention*.

It seemed unfair to the ones in the dark, that others should have more *awareness* than them.  Because of their own lack of awareness, they were unable to see very far below the surface of outer appearances.  If they could’ve, they would’ve become aware of just how much *attention* the others had invested in themselves and their journey, and that although it looked like it was just handed to them . . . they had truly earned it.

And it seemed unfair to the ones who had put in all of the hard work and effort, that they should be forced to suffer such fools as those in the dark who had had the same opportunities as them, but wasted them.

But before they can graduate and become a person *with*, they have to learn how to shoulder the burden of responsibility for teaching and preparing the people *without*.

Libra and Aries Sitting in a Tree

Oh beautiful Libra.  The sign of peace, harmony, and refinement.  Ruled by Venus, how could you be anything other than beautiful?  The sign of high society and being civilized.  Seeking fairness and win/win situations.  You never wish to offend.  You’re more than okay with compromise.  You know how to relate to people from all walks of life.  And you do it so well in your designer clothes and polished skin.

{Big satisfying sigh followed by contemplative stare into the distance}

The sun moves through Libra from end of September through most of October.  And as beautiful as Libra is . . . the poor dear is running amok in our world.  We are all experiencing first hand what happens when Libra is left to run unchecked.  It isn’t all Libra’s fault, there are many things in play . . . but here’s Libra’s part in it.

Libra is the diplomat.  Libra is the one that goes into negotiations and makes sure that everyone gets fairly represented.  If someone isn’t available to say their side or piece, Libra will step in and speak on behalf of that person or group.

To be civil . . . is to be Libra.  Libra is societal standards.  “This is how you treat someone, this is how you do not treat someone.”  Libra is ruled by Venus and by the 7th house of (others) one on one relationships.  Relating to others.  7th house is the first house in the zodiac where it’s not just about ourselves internally . . . it’s about others outside of ourselves in relation to us.

But Libra can sometimes get so caught up in the mission for peace and harmony, that the other side of the axis . . . Aries . . . gets completely left out of the equation.  And that’s a Big.Problem.

If I were to look at current world events as any indication of what is going on with this axis, I would say that Libra was on a huge political smear campaign against Aries.

You’ve seen those movies and shows about the ruling aristocratic families looking all fancy shmancy with all their money and well bred sophisticated ways.  <cough>Libra<cough>  It’s long since stopped about making things actually fair among the people, and has become all about making things *appear* a certain way.  “What would so and so think if they knew that Martha was seen with a man without an escort?” *Gasp* . . . . *Faint*.  And we’ve also seen in these shows, how on the surface they seem refined and sophisticated . . . but holy shit if the psychological undercurrent running underneath isn’t a little savage!

They are (were) meant to be role models for the rest of us.  So . . . when they couldn’t tame the wildness inside <cough>Aries<cough>,  . . . they simply . . . [r] [e] [p] [r] [e] [s] [s] [e] [d] it.  They pretended it didn’t exist in them.  They covered up and hid anything that did not fit current societal standards in order to keep their power and standing in the community.  Anything hinting of non-refinement was squashed like a bug and disposed of in secret.

It’s so WEIRD how wars still manage to break out amongst such proper upstanding citizens.  (I know, right?)

Also of note, is that those in the upper class families live lives of relative leisure.  If you knew that you’d still have a comfy home, plenty of food and resources regardless of what you did or didn’t do . . . you’d probably lose some of your motivation to discipline and strengthen yourselves.  In fact, that is part of the burden of Libra . . . you have to find another motivation to DO anything in life, besides sheer survival (like the rest of us peasants).

So what is Aries?  Aries is the ruler of Mars and of the 1st house of self.  Even those who are not familiar with astrology, know that Mars is associated with war.  Aries could also be thought of as animalistic instinct.  When a momma bear sees her cub being threatened, she instinctively goes to tear that threat to pieces.  When someone is acting savagely, we might say they’re acting like an animal.  Aries (<—non-Libra).  Aries is unrefined, raw energy.  When you first mine a gemstone . . . it’s not so pretty.  It’s in more of an Aries state (rock), than the Libra state (jewlry).

But what else is Aries?  What else is lurking and hiding in this primal state of energy that might be of use to a modern society?

First of all, Aries is the spark of life.  Aries is the first sign of the zodiac, and of spring.  Before Aries is the 12th sign, Pisces.  And Pisces is the state we come from and return to . . . when *not* incarnated in life.  So as the wheel of life turns, and we are looking to be born into life, Aries is that moment when something goes from non-life . . . to Life.  Whatever magical transformation is happening in that moment . . . that *Spark* . . . is the Aries energy.  It is pure, unrefined, raw divine energy.

Aries is a fire sign (along with Leo & Sagittarius), and where there is fire . . . there is Life.  Anytime you see someone brought to life, they are filled with fire energy.  If they sparkle, glow, shine . . . they are exuding the fire principle in life.  Each fire sign brings a different kind of fire.  Aries is the firestarter . . . the spark that starts or ignites something new.  Leo is a sustaining fire . . . the fire that shines like a lighthouse or beacon for others to look to.  And Sagittarius . . . sets a blaze or path to a higher understanding or truth.  Fire is inspiring.  Fire is warmth, love, heart  . . .  without fire energy . . . life is cold and lifeless.

Aries is the sign of self, will, motivation.  Where ever Mars is in our charts, is where and how we get motivated to DO anything.  It’s what lights up the fire in our soul and sends us on our mission or quest in life.  It’s how we know who we are from others.  There’s myself (1st house, Aries, Mars) and then there are others (7th house, Libra, Venus).  It’s what makes you come alive.  It’s what ignites your passion and your desires.  It’s what makes you WANT to live.  It’s what makes you WANT to survive.

It’s also raw and unrefined.  When a student wants to learn how to play the violin, initially it is squeaky squawky and really hard to listen to.  But with the will and motivation to learn, the student can refine and discipline their talent into something breathtaking and harmonious.  That is Aries —-> Libra axis action.

When a person has a lot of Aries energy, they can *appear* to be very unaware of others (and when they are younger this is probably true).  They have so much raw energy coming in from source to ignite new things here, that it’s really hard to know what to do with it.  It can come out impulsively, randomly, awkwardly, uncomfortably, or crudely.  But, from those things come new ideas, new solutions.  Aries are our leaders and innovators.  They must act.  They must do.  They must be in motion.

Aries can also rage.  This does not sit comfortably with Libra.  Only savages rage.  Civilized people talk out their differences.  But Aries feels things instantly.  Just like animal instinct, they are feeling something before they even know themselves what is happening.  They are in the middle of it before they understand that it is happening.

Babies do this also.  When they are hungry, they cry.  They don’t know of any other way to get their needs met.  This is an Aries response . . . one of survival.  As a child gets older, hopefully they receive nurturing and care, and are taught how to overcome that instinct in a more refined way.  Can you imagine if we all started to bawl our heads off as it got closer to lunch time?!  (hilarious)  So, part of growing up, is about becoming refined and preparing us to be suitable to have relationships with others outside of ourselves.  This is a necessary process.

But here’s where something broke down at some point in our history.  There is the actual refinement process going from Aries to Libra on the zodiac axis where we develop things like strength, conscious awareness of the actions we take, competition (testing ourselves), discernment, personal responsibility, etc.  And then there is the fakeout refinement process that we’ve been doing . . . and calling it the real thing.

One requires a lot of hard personal work. (Aries) The other is called repression.  When you take the “easy” road (and god knows why it’s called easy . . . it’s the most miserable road I can imagine venturing on) you don’t put in the hard work of facing and overcoming an obstacle.  You simply pretend it’s not there, and let it sink into the background as if it doesn’t exist.  You close down a part of your conscious awareness (Aries) in order to avoid something unpleasant or unacceptable (Libra).  You sweep it under the rug.  You don’t talk about it in public (7th house).

We promote constantly how we should always be out helping others (Libra, 7th house) and not think of ourselves (Aries, 1st house).  There is a lot of self denial going on, as if our “self” is something shameful.  We label it ego and try to stomp it out.  If we don’t want to help someone else (maybe because we’re exhausted and need some rest), it’s not typically okay for us to say, “Sorry, but I don’t want to.”  It’s not okay to say we don’t want to go to that dinner party and schmooze with a bunch of people who are being fake.  You suck up your own wants, and do what you’re expected to do to keep up the charade.

When this goes too far (and it definitely has in my opinion), there are going to be consequences.  One is that repressing the Aries energy doesn’t make it go away.  For those who aren’t able to repress it, it may pops up in the form of passive aggressiveness . . . or more and more the trend is becoming for people to just outright blow a gasket and go on rampages.

For those who are successful in repressing their Aries/Mars/1st house self, something much sadder happens.  They lose their spark of life.  They lose motivation to do anything.  They begin to feel helpless or don’t know what the point of trying is.  They.lose.their.will.to.live.  They become docile.  They are no longer able to get excited about anything anymore.  They begin to only know a life of apathy.  They don’t know what to do.  They no longer know what they want themselves.  Everything becomes about just trying to survive.

There have been a LOT of lines crossed in governments worldwide in recent years.  And all it takes when something outrageous happens to calm everyone back down, is to explain it in a very diplomatic way.  We believe, that as long as it is being done in a diplomatic way . . . that it’s okay.  Plus, we equate being angry with being irrational.  But, uh . . no.  That’s where we need to shine some light.

There is a time to negotiate and talk and there is a time to take action.  There is a time to be calm and a time to be angry.  There is a time to compromise and a time to stand up for ourselves and say, um no . . . you just crossed a line.

Anger and rage is a powerful, powerful energy.  Left unchecked and undisciplined, you get people blowing up places.  The energy itself is NOT EVIL.  It simply IS.  It is INTENSE.  But, with trained strength, discipline and will . . . it can come up with instant creative solutions.  Spark the dying embers in a people losing hope, back to life and help them feel warmth and love again.  It can inspire.  It can help remind people of who they are.

Aries . . . above all else . . . is raw consciousness. The more you know your own Self (your own needs, your own wants and protect those things from others) the more clarity you gain.  It IS light.  It IS what makes things happen.  It IS what brings change.  If you use it like a Neanderthal, than the use of it will look brutal.  But strengthen and refine that same energy, and it becomes drive, passion, inspiration.  What would a world without passion and inspiration look like?

Before I end this monster post, for the astrologers and/or the curious, I’d like to share what I have on this axis of my natal chart.  I could write volumes and volumes regarding this axis because of how heavy it is in my natal chart, so it was really hard for me to not jump all over the place and go on tangents in this post.  : )  There is no way I could be unbiased in my perspective of this axis (2nd only to my Gemini/Sagittarius emphasized axis) so here is what is in my natal chart that is influencing it:

  • Aries Rising
  • 1st house has Eris (conjunct ascendant, rising planet), South Node, Venus, Mars in Aries – and Chiron, Mercury in Taurus
  • 7th house has Pluto (tight conjunct descendant), North Node in Libra – and Uranus in Scorpio.

Like any axis in the zodiac, both signs go out of balance when one or the other is emphasized or ignored instead of reconciling or understanding how they are actually two sides of the same coin.  Aries/Libra —> Self/Others —> Mars/Venus

There is who I am by myself.  There are the others I meet in life.  Who are really the parts of me that I can’t see without interacting with them.  What I do for myself, I am also doing for others.  What I do for others, I am also doing for myself.  When the day comes that I’m able to see that all of these things I see in others are also in me . . . and when the day comes that I can forgive myself for the things I couldn’t see before that day came . . . is when the day has come that fighting to survive ends . . . and the solace of peace in my heart begins.

Mama LionDaddy Lion

Been Feeling a Little Sensitive Lately?

I have so far made a conscious effort to keep Astrology out of my posts, because it can be off-putting to people.  But I feel like it now.  (Key word here is *feel*.)

We have a big pile of planets that have moved over into Cancer, having just come over from Gemini where the emphasis has been for a while now (a little over a year).

Gemini is an air sign, meaning it’s focus is the mind or intellect.  Gemini makes connections to things.  (I’m a Gemini Sun… I intellectually make connections between things.)  It’s also known for being the social butterfly, it’s about multi-tasking, flitting here and there and everywhere.  It’s also about communication and all the means of doing so.  It’s  about your immediate environment and community and the things you do within it.  It’s basically, the epitome of our current culture of social media.

Now. . . comes the energy of Cancer.  And you’ve most likely noticed a kind of shift recently, but didn’t (or couldn’t) attribute it to anything really.  Maybe just a feeling that things feel different.  You are most likely experiencing, first hand, what it feels like when planets shift signs.

Cancer is ruled by the Moon (all signs are *ruled* by a planet. . . means they go together, in many ways represent each other).  Moon is our comfort, our past, our memories.  Moon typically represents our moms, nurturing, home life.  It’s our feelings.  (Oh NO!  Not those!!!!)

So in plain English, we’re moving from an energetic focus on the intellect/mind/thinking to one of feelings/sensitivity/emotions.  We’re going to be seeking/wanting comfort.  A lot of us will become more and more like homebodies.  We’ll be more interested in being at home and with our family, then going out to the club.

But the reason I bring it up is because Mercury, the planet of communication (Gemini is ruled by Mercury. . . so the things I mentioned above can be included in the understanding of Mercury) is in Cancer. . . and it’s about to go retrograde.

I’ll wait while everyone cracks their Mercury retrograde jokes.  : /

A planet going retrograde (Mercury isn’t the only one that does it, just the most frequent and obvious to us), means that we’re really close to the planet and from our viewpoint here on Earth, it *appears* to be going backwards as we pass each other.  You know, like when you’re sitting in a car or train. . . and the car or train next to you starts moving. . . and for a second you aren’t sure which of you is moving and in which direction?  It’s a little bit like that.

When that’s happening, there is an emphasis or more of an intensity in regards to that planet.  It’s like it is getting all up on us with a megaphone and booming into our ears. 

C R I N G E

Mercury retrograde in general can mean miscommunications, misunderstandings, delays in commute, issues with email, phones. . . even your data. (A shout out to all my data analysts out there. . . triple check your numbers!)  Expect delays.  Bring things to do when you go to appointments, because even if you happen to not be late yourself . . . the place may be running behind in appointments.

This mercury retrograde in particular, is in Cancer.  Us and our feelers.  Our comfort zones.  Cancer can be very sensitive, moody, closed off.  But under that crab shell is a big, old, loving softy (you will totally want to keep that in mind during this time).  This means, the misunderstandings and miscommunications are going to be focused around our feelings and emotions. People are most likely going to be more touchy, defensive, emotional, sensitive than usual.  I’m guessing some hurt feelings are going to be involved.

One thing retrogrades are great for, is in going back and clearing up anything that got missed the first time the planet went through that area.  So, the things we’ve just had happen with where Mercury just went through in the sky. . . now is our chance to re-do.  Do it again, but this time, slow down and take your time to get it right.  It’s like getting a second chance, so take that opportunity.

If there’s confusion or misunderstanding currently under way, instead of going at it in the same manner you usually do, take this opportunity to take a time out. . . some deep breaths. . . and take a fresh or new approach.  The feeling coming to me regarding this is, give each other a break.  Stuff has most likely gotten fucked up recently as all these planets came crashing into Cancer after being in Gemini.  Mid-stride we went from thinking with our heads to thinking with our emotions and people are becoming emotional train-wrecks all over the place (and all things Gemini/Mercury have become a big pile of WTF?)

That is how we experience the planet’s influences in our day-to-day lives.  Everything is frequency and vibration (sound), including the planets.  Everything vibrates at its own frequency and sends that outward. . . and it inevitably interacts as those frequencies interact with other beings/planets/etc.  Something does not go uninfluenced when the vibrations of one entity interact with the vibrations of another entity.  

Saying the planets have no influence on us, is like saying humans interacting with other humans have no impact on any of us.  Silly rabbit.

Each planet has its own frequency. . . and with thousands of years observation (among other things), we’ve gotten a pretty good idea of how each planet’s frequency feels or responds when interacting with Earth and her peeps.  And they cycle over and over. . . and when you are paying attention to it. . . you are able to start seeing the connections with how you’re experiencing life, and what’s happening in the heavens. . . and that they *do* correlate.  And as an analyst, when it really hit home for me one day how very, VERY much they correlate. . . well. . . it was a very Cancer/Moon-like moment.  = )

I have a huge emphasis of Gemini/Mercury and Moon energy in my natal chart.  You see how much I write! (very Gemini), but also how emotional I can be (very Moonish).  Gemini’s themselves are moody creatures, flinging from sunshine and bubblegum to evil incarnate all in one hour.  So adding the Moon emphasis, was a little bit of an overkill from the universe in my opinion.  (And made that extra fun with Neptune being conjunct my moon. . . . but that’s a story for another day).

However, I bring that up because this energy and transition we’re in, going from Gemini to Cancer. . . is one that I’ve been trying to find a balance with my whole life. . . so I completely get how crazy the world at large may be feeling within in.  Trying to get your mind and feelings to play nice with each other is completely counter-intuitive.  It causes a kind of compartmentalizing.

If I’m thinking. . . my feelings are cut off so that I can remain objective.  If I’m feeling my feelings, I can’t be thinking straight.  It’s like a switch that goes between the two. . . but never both at the same time.

Thinking —-> Feelings – NO!

Feelings—–> Thinking – NO!

It’s tricky. . . but. . . you CAN do both.  It feels like walking on a tightrope going across the Grand Canyon. . . but it can be done.  I’ve been practicing it during my posts.  In To Love and Be Loved. . . I experienced something completely amazing and very related to my emotions and feelings… like really, really down deep in them. . . and I ALSO was able to keep open enough to observe with my mind.  I was then able to write and communicate that experience, into a blog post.

That is an example of being able to do *both* of those things at once.  Observing, learning, writing, communicating, sharing = Gemini/Mercury and feelings/loved ones/memories/comfort/nurturing = Cancer/Moon.

So. . . maybe at this time it will be easier to write out what you feel instead of talking about what you feel.  It forces you to slow down.  You can go your own pace.  I know when I’m trying to communicate my real feelings… the ones deep down inside, I have to type really damn slow in order to not shut off to those emotions while in the middle of typing.  As soon as I quit feeling them. . . I stop and bring them back up and consciously/actively hold the space open for them to come through.  It will train and teach your body how you need to be in order to make space for both.

As you can see, my Gemini has gotten away from me and I’m writing a novel.  So I’ll wrap this up.

While Mercury, Venus, and the Sun (all currently in Cancer) won’t be in there for real long, Jupiter. . . the big dude. . . has also moved there – and he’ll be there for about a year.  So the influence isn’t going away for a bit.  Btw, Jupiter is a planet that *expands* where ever and whatever it’s in.  It’s a planet of blessings and opportunities.  But, there’s a thing as too much of something and that’s where Jupiter can cause some issues.  Case in point —> my natal Jupiter is conjunct (right next to each other. . . which kind of makes it one big ball of similar energy vs. two distinct energies) my Sun in Gemini.  What’s one problem I tend to run into when writing (a very Gemini activity)?  I can’t seem to stop!!!  Look at how long some of my posts go!!  

But it’s also a blessing (thanks, Jupiter) because it’s something I have a lot of, and has helped me learn *how* to write my deep feelings and *how* to be able to continue feeling them as I write. . . because I can’t help it.  I *must* communicate, I *must* share. . . and I feel emotions super strongly and often, so it was almost a guarantee that I’d learn how to make these two get along – otherwise I would self destruct.  I have had many, many ungraceful moments in my learning curve and I stick my foot in my mouth more than any one person should, and I’ve had to eat crow pie I don’t know how many times.   So it’s not been pretty, but it was kind of a guarantee.

{Awkward silence}

: D

The One Affects the All and the All Affects the One

I wanted to delve further into a topic that has come up on its own a couple of times now (And Here We Are and A Little Disclosure).  This is not something I had previously thought out before writing it.  It just pounced into my writing like it had a god given right to be there, and who am I to argue?

The One Affects the All and the All Affects the One

This concept comes from somewhere deep inside of me that seems pretty hell-bent on getting this idea across, because so far any time I get within range of a subject meandering in its territory. . . it takes the opportunity and devours it like a Lion on a Zebra.  {I have no idea why I just capitalized Lion and Zebra. . . don’t ask obvious questions when I’m trying to look smart.}

I’m going to quote the latest I said while in that territory just to get the ball rolling:

How the general population views a group of people AFFECTS THOSE PEOPLE.  It energetically affects them.  Imagine wisps of energetic strings that look very much like fine spider webs.  And imagine those are connected between all of us and our environment.  And when you have a large group of people with a certain perception of a group of people. . . that it relays it down those fine wires to those group of people and they feel it and experience it and are subconsciously affected by it.  Your misunderstanding and misperception of those people HURTS THOSE PEOPLE.

Just in case you’re new in town, here’s the down-low about me.  I’m very intimate with the energetic world.  I was lost in the sauce for a good portion of my life because of being too aware of energies around me, visions, and a lifetime of lucid dreams.  In addition, because of being so sensitive to these things, I *also* had a hard time understanding myself, others, and how we were separate from each other.  Until my late twenties. . . I didn’t understand the concept that I was actually a separate individual from the rest of the herd.  (That is probably a whole ‘nother post all by itself.)

The last decade has been spent in earnest tearing apart everything I thought I knew, and understanding 1) who I am and how I am separate from others and 2) discerning the many different subtle energies I pick up and how they are connected to the *seen* world (aka “reality”).

I’m still learning.  I’m still surprised on a regular basis.  I had no idea that everyone didn’t experience life like I did.  It is *still* shocking to me.  I once had a short period of time where I went “offline” and wasn’t getting my usual visions and energetic connection information.  I felt blind, deaf, and dumb.  I cried a lot more than usual.  And I have a new-found understanding and a sort of respect love for people who aren’t connected into the ethers like me and get through life just fine, because I honest.to.god do not know how they suffer navigate life without it.

So where was I? Ah, yes.

Wispy spider webs.

{Just a sec, I’m in the middle of eating a popsicle.}

{Yum}

Okay, so anyways, I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “We are all one”, and maybe (like me) you’ve heard it so often that you almost feel yourself want to vomit up your lunch when you hear it now.  It’s been said to death.  And really, what does that mean at a practical day to day level?  Does it mean that all ya’ll are going to also help me with my grocery shopping and help pay my bills?  No?  Awwww.  : (

Well, when tuning into the energetics, I get a slightly different perception.  And that is that we are all connected.  I am me, and you are you.  We are not “we” per se, but we are an us.  (I just went all Alice in Wonderland on your ass).  What I’m actually trying to say, is that we are all individuals within a collective whole.  Cells that make up a larger body.

There are these gossamer threads, that very much resemble the threads of a spider -web (but a little more magical), that connect things in the world together.  I guess like the internet, or telephone lines, or even the synapses in a brain. . . but a much more sophisticated type of technology.  It relays information between everything.  Feelings, thoughts, sounds, visuals, etc.  Packets of real-life information.  It can drop off and attach where ever we send our “feelers”.

If I’m thinking about Jay, it relays that information straight to him via our little webby connection.  He may in that same instance think of me for a brief moment.  It’s like getting poked on facebook (but less weird).  If you are sensitive/aware of these things… you can actively work with it.

It works on a larger scale too.  If you are a part of the “American” group, and the overall opinion from the “Rest of the World” is that “Americans” are assholes. . . whether it’s true or not. . . any people, who at any level identifies with being an American. . . will at the energetic level. . . get *pinged* with that data packet.  If you’re aware of it, you can work with it.  You could dismiss it (block it) or you could send one back {fuck you} or {I am love}. . . whatever you choose.

Kind of let that soak in for a moment.

{Contemplating another popsicle, because oh my gosh the last one was delicious.}

{Popsicle nomming has commenced.}

Okay, back to seriousness.

I happen to be a person who is greatly affected by what other people think about me.  People, in a kind and loving effort to pull me out of a crying funk will say to me, “Don’t let what others think of you, bother you.”  And I wish it was that simple.  I am pinged with it immediately.  Someone thinks I’m rude.  I feel “you’re rude” and the associated feelings/information they have about that coming from the person.  It makes me cry.  I try to not show it to anyone.  I’ll keep an expressionless face until I can get somewhere alone where I feel safe before I’ll let myself bawl.  But there it is.  And sometimes, I don’t make it to somewhere safe.  There are countless times when I’m sitting at my desk with a handful of Kleenex trying to frantically remove all signs of a complete mini meltdown before someone walks by.

Call it emotional immaturity if you like.  It’s just a part of how I’m wired, and I’m not sorry for that. . . but I am regularly embarrassed by it.

Even if you aren’t sensitive to energies, you are still affected by these things.  They still have an impact to your life.  And the things you say and do, impact others in this way as well.

That’s how we hurt ourselves when we hurt others.  That’s how we hurt others when we hurt ourselves.  We are constantly sending and receiving all of this information to and from each other individually and all over the world.  Retaliating or getting revenge or “getting mine” is like punching yourself in the face over and over.  Really stupid.

There are so many other things and ways this affect all of us individually and collectively. . . but I think I’ve given the general idea of what I’m trying to say.

The cool thing about it is, it works for all types of feelings/thoughts.  Including the kind and loving ones.  But you can’t just say or pretend think kind things, you have to really be feeling them in order for them to travel the wisps (web was already taken, so I had to think of something else).  But that’s not to say that you deny or try to repress the not so nice things.  Sometimes, that’s exactly what is needed for the moment.

Ok.  It’s after 2am here, so it’s time to take my popsicle eating ass to bed.

Goddamn Poster Child for Asperger’s

This is not going to be PC by any stretch of the imagination.

WHY?!  Did NO ONE ever bother to mention to me that I was the goddamn poster child for Asperger’s?

Of course, there was my counselor many years back who seemed to like to mention how there’s a high proportion of people with Asperger’s who work in the computer field.  Which I thought was an odd thing to keep bringing up in the middle of our session.

And then there *were* mentions that others in my family seemed to display characteristics of Asperger’s. . . but they weren’t talking about me, so?

So why didn’t I know?  Oh, yeah.  That’s right.  Because I don’t get what people mean when they’re being indirect or talking around something!  Jiminy Christmas!

Everyone, you have my permission to be very direct and blunt with me.  Just say what is on your goddamn mind and don’t try to drop subtle hints.  I’m *not* going to get that you’re trying to tell me that I smell bad, when you’re talking about how your great Aunt Agnes smells because she doesn’t take enough baths.  I’m going to assume you’re talking about it, because it really bothers you.  Or because you’re really weird.  (Btw, this is not a real life example.  I smell pretty.)

Anyways.

I just thought my issues were because I’m a Gemini Sun conjunct Gemini Jupiter.  Or because it was the end times, and I was ascending.  But who knows.  Maybe they’re all correct.

Just in case you’re like me, and people have been dropping hints because they don’t want to *offend*, but you are still unawares. . . below is a link to a site that I really liked because it’s not the stereotypical descriptions that make no goddamn sense to me (I may need to check for Tourette’s as well) because the reasons given for *why* people with Asperger’s or Autism do what they do, sound like made up or projected bullshit that someone who doesn’t have it would say.

If you’re not offended yet, keep reading.

Here’s the link I’ll be using as my reference for symptoms:  http://taniaannmarshall.wordpress.com/2013/03/26/moving-towards-a-female-profile-the-unique-characteristics-abilities-and-talents-of-asperwomen-adult-women-with-asperger-syndrome/ .  This is more specifically for women who have it, so guys. . . it may not speak to you.  It may not even speak to the women.  I don’t know.  All I know is it speaks to me.

Moving along.

I was going to list the ones that I resonated with. . . but it got a little ridiculous.  Many that I didn’t list, I used to have and they nearly crushed the life out of me. . . but after having put in some serious hard work over the years to overcome them or at least better understand them, I’ve improved a great deal  So, don’t let my current badass self fool you.

May find great difficulty attending/participating in staff meetings, lunch breaks, work social event

OMG.  I have not found the secret or the trick yet to managing this one.  I push myself as much as I can. . . but some days, it’s just not going to happen.

May get stressed if have a lot of work to do in a short amount of time

May become frustrated/stressed if asked to do too many things at once

I have definitely made hardcore progress on this.  But I cannot sustain it indefinitely.  If things don’t get back to normal within a reasonable time, I start going to hell in a handbasket.  I totally did it this last winter at work.  3 Months too long.  I am still recovering.  That was such a dumb move on my part.

Tries very hard to avoid making mistakes, forgetting things

I write and keep lists all over the damn place.  I had gotten really good at being on top of all of my responsibilities. . . but I still stumble and fall periodically and it’s a bitch trying to get myself back in balance.

May have to withdraw, isolate herself or other when overwhelmed by her senses

This is one reason for Jenn’s great disappearing acts from friends.

Has great difficulty asserting herself, asking for help, setting boundaries

Yup.  This has been my main focus in understanding and learning how to do in real life for at least the past two years.

May say “yes” to social events, then later make up an excuse as to why she cannot attend, often staying home in solitude

AKA – Being flakey.  I got sick of being called flakey.  So now I just say no to everything.  Actually, the invites just stopped coming. : )

May offend others by saying what she is thinking, even if she does not mean to

Here’s part of what I was talking about in my post about having a hard time expressing myself without having great opposition from others.

Unusual voice (flat, monotone, high-pitched, child-like)

The first time I was told I tend to speak in a monotone,  I didn’t know what the f#@! they were talking about.  I actually went and listened to my own voicemail several times to try and comprehend how I spoke, sounded different from how others speak.  So I try to be conscious of my tendency to do that and add some *life* to my voice.  But then I just come across sounding like Japanese Anime.

May talk too loudly or too softly, often unaware that she is doing so

“Mom, you’re talking really loud!” or “I’m sorry, Ma’am, I can’t hear what you just said” (which is followed by my Big Girl voice because then I’m upset)

Often surprised when people tell her she has been rude or inappropriate

Not just surprised, but my goddamn feelings are hurt too.

Highly sensitivity, may not be able to listen to or watch the news, violent shows/movies or horror movies, hurt or injured animals, abuse, war, trauma, sensitive to the emotions and “emotional atmosphere” of the environment, referred emotion and psychic “6th sense” abilities, may have strong intuitive and/or psychic abilities

Yes, please. I was highly advised by my counselor when I was 17 to avoid all news.  He got sick of spending the sessions with me crying about something I heard on the news and trying to talk me down off a ledge.

May not be able to tolerate sounds, sights, smells, textures, movement that she dislikes

I have to have special lights in the workplace.  I have a really strong physical reaction to fluorescent lights (and anything 60 Hz flicker rate in general. . . including computer monitors, etc.)  I have noise cancelling headphones so I don’t come unhinged when the noise levels go up.  If someone decides to throw their cigarette butt in my trash can, I have to remove the entire bag and throw it away in another room completely… otherwise I’m distracted by it and can’t focus on work.  I take scissors to anything in my clothing that rubs or scratches me in the wrong way.

What I’m trying to say. . . is that a great deal of my energy in a day goes into just trying to minimize the impact my environment has on me.  Let alone exceling or thriving.  Sensitivity has enormous gifts, but it also brings a hell that few can appreciate or understand.  I *am* able to build up a tolerance for a short time.  So, as long as I get plenty of rest on a regular basis, drink plenty of water, take my vitamins, etc. I can manage through a day for the most part without coming apart.

May have auditory processing issues

There’s a reason I don’t like talking on phones and it’s not because I’m being difficult.  It’s because I have a delay in processing information, and it’s super-emphasized when on the phone.  When someone speaks to me, I tend to echo or repeat it in my head before it fully settles in what was said.  When in person, watching the person speak seems to help me.  On the phone, I can’t see them. . . and more than once I’ve sat on the phone in tears because of frustration with myself.  I have to hyper-focus in order to not have the person repeat what they’ve said multiple times. . . and then the stress of the difficulty causes me to just start getting disoriented and I lose all comprehension abilities.  Email has changed and saved my life.

She may make it a high priority to arrange her life, events, work, and environment to avoid overwhelming, stressful or upsetting situations

If I want to continue to be capable of functioning enough so I can work and providing for my family, I really don’t see what choice I have but to make it a priority.

Feels things deeply, Other people’s moods affect her, especially if they are negative, Tends to be very sensitive to emotional pain, Lives with continual generalized anxiety, bouts of depression that creep up on her,  Difficulty regulating emotions and managing stress

This all feels the same to me (like a big ball of sensitive mess) so I grouped them together.  I have truly, truly made huge strides in this arena in my life.  Thank god.

Naive, honest (often too honest), Emotionally too honest (inability or difficulty hiding true feelings when it would be more socially acceptable to do so)

I’ve tried to be otherwise. . . and it feels like I’m choking myself to death.  So.

A natural born leader, independent, strong-willed, determined and can be highly competitive

Well, WTF?  All of that hot mess listed above. . . but a great leader.  Yes, if I can stop crying into my cheerios long enough, because I can still smell the cat litter even though I just cleaned it. . . then count me in.

Generally lack a strong sense of self, self-esteem and/or identity. May use chameleon-like skills to assimilate and be involved with to a variety of groups or different people over time, in a search for true identity.

Oh hi.  Welcome to Show Me Who You Really Are, related to a lifetime search of “who the hell am I?” in relation to everyone around me

Dislikes change and may find it disorienting and stressful

And yet, I can’t stand to repeat the same mistakes over and over and over. . . and so I rip the rug from under my own feet in order to get out of the rut. . . which brings change to my life . . . which I really do hate.

Highly sensitive to criticism or perceived criticism

This one I don’t get really.  I need for people to be straight with me and direct.  But criticism (yes, even if just perceived), really, really stings.  It’s like I was just slapped hard in the face and brings insta-tears.  I usually am pretty good at stuffing it before anyone sees because it’s embarrassing.  But I’ve never been able to figure out why I respond to it like I do.

Dislikes being observed when having to perform (performance anxiety)

Oh for sure.  If you want to watch me mess something up or go blank. . . start watching me do it.  A switch goes off in my brain and I break into a sweat and most likely wouldn’t be able to give you my name, let alone perform.  I have been actively working on overcoming this one lately.  I even made myself sing a song in front of Jay. . .because the only way I know how to overcome fears… is to hop in and get all comfy with them.

Tend to be very serious, often too serious at times, Is intense in everything she does

I have been asked a bajillion times in the past, “Why do you look so serious?”  O.O  Because I’ve got some serious shit being worked out deep inside of me if you don’t mind, please and thank you.  Really, what’s happening usually is I’m in hyperfocus mode because I’m actively trying to shift and move energy flows within my body. . . I have zero attention capacity left to be thinking about what the hell kind of face I’m making.

Has the ability to feel other people emotions, May “know” or have knowledge of certain things, but no idea how she knows

I believe I just recently brought this up in a previous post when I was trying to understand for myself why people scare me.

Okay. . . that’s like all I can even stand to go through.  If you’re even still awake at this point in the post. . . kudos to you.  Because I’m about to do a faceplant on my keyboard.

I was crying when first reading many of the things because (well, apparently I have no control over my tear ducts anymore) because I don’t know how many times I’ve felt like a crummy person because of it.  I am constantly ruffling feathers and disappointing people left and right, and I’m doing the best I can.  In fact, I feel like I’m in superhero drive every single day of my life – but it feels like others think I’m just half-assing it.

I cannot even begin to express what it feels like to go every single day of your life feeling like you have leaped over the empire state building and for all of it to go unnoticed and be completely insignificant to the rest of the world.

Do you know how many times in the past I’ve been accused of being cold, insensitive, and self-centered?  And I believed them, because I didn’t know that they didn’t know better than me.  So I made it my mission to rip my world of understanding upside down and inside out to understand others and how their perception is separate and different from mine.  And who I am separate from them.

And I get that I’m weird.  And it’s dragged me through 7 levels of hell.  And regardless of whether how I am has a name or not. . . I know there are a lot of people in the world like me going through those same levels of hell.

And I don’t believe it to be a syndrome at all.  I think it’s humanity leveling up.  Because the things I’m forced to learn how to do, have only EVER made me a better person.  We live in a world of unhealthy habits and of unhappy people because we’ve gone way out of balance.  My “syndrome” is forcing me to learn how to rebalance and reconnect to what is really important and even slowing down and taking a breath once in awhile.

When I stop and take a good look at the chaos spiraling out of control on Earth, I seriously have to wonder who it is that *really* has the problems.

I Know That I’m Not Always There

This came from a place in me that was deeply wishing to tell so many people who I have met and known, how much they mean to me still.  I’ve never really been someone who stays in touch with others once life takes us in different directions.  I know how it can appear to others, and I tried to change it. But I couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried.

“Am I just heartless? . . . Am I running? . . . Why am I like this?”

The answer for me, is that I still feel them with me no matter where my journey takes me.  All I have to do is think of them, and there they appear within my heart and it’s like we never parted ways.  I can literally feel their presence.  I can feel all kinds of communication going on between me and them.  Funny times we shared together, hopes, dreams, troubles, struggles…

It’s not that I no longer care about people once we’ve parted ways. . . nothing could be further from the truth.  But I know. . . I feel in a very real way, how we are always connected.  And I know and respect how we each have our path to follow, and that it may mean coming and going out of each other’s lives in order to fulfill that path. . . but we are never, ever. . . not even in death, actually apart from each other.

There are so many more ways to be in touch with each other than we’ve even begun to imagine.  So, maybe another way for me to look at it is, it’s not that I don’t contact people from my past who have gone in different directions. . . it’s just that it is in ways not yet recognized.  But until that day comes, I’d like you to know that:

I know that I’m not always there

I know that I’m not always there
And I seem to just come and go
But in my heart is a constant song singing
Of the love I feel for everyone I’ve known
This world has made fools of us all
With its fancy space and time
Distracting us from the truth in our Hearts
And our Inner Sunshine
It turns our life path invisible
And makes us believe things that aren’t true
Like that we are ever separated
Or that I don’t love you
I carry each of you with me
Where ever I go
Because in my heart is a constant song singing
Of the love I feel for everyone I’ve known