What Believing In Self Means To Me

I’ve zeroed in on the moment it happens.  The moment in which I’m interacting with someone and I lose myself.  I need to anchor this in myself so that I can be more aware and lessen how often I do it.

When I am centered and in balance with myself, and I say something to someone from a sincere and open place, and their response sounds like I offended them in some way (here’s that moment) instead of staying solid in what I was actually meaning, feeling, and experiencing when I said whatever I did . . . I instead try to right the misunderstanding.

Which means . . . I end up focusing on their perception of what I meant regarding what I said, instead of what I actually meant.  It only takes me a few moments of trying to do this, trying to explain or understand where the disconnect happened between me and another person, before I lose sight myself of what I had really meant.

After an extended period of time, I’m so focused on how what I say may be mistook by that person or persons, that I am no longer centered in myself and balanced.  I’m actually thinking the way that they think for longer periods of time in an attempt to avoid conflict and hurt.  I start to adopt their attitude and view of life.

It weaves such a tangled and confusing web in my life that I am forced to work through in order to find myself again.  Always swearing with a fierceness and a vengeance that if I ever find my way back to myself again, that I will never, ever, ever do that to myself again.  I get so furious at myself for being such a ding-a-ling.

I’m not thinking that it’s their own darkened perception that they projected onto my words, I’m not thinking that in order for them to see what I actually meant, means they’d have to admit they were wrong as well as own their darkened perception . . . I’m not thinking any of that.  All I’m thinking is, “Oh noes!  That’s not what I meant, I’m so sorry you took it that way (as if I had any control over that) and I’ll do better in the future to communicate myself more clearly!”

I’d say that is a pretty fair example of what it means to be naïve.

What I must integrate and better understand about myself, is to stay in myself with how I know I feel and experience something.  If I said something from a pure place, and I know within myself whether I’m truly doing that or not, there’s no use in lying to myself, then I need to stay strong in that no matter how someone else responds or sees it.

I can’t let other people decide for me what it is that I meant by what I did or said.  I also cannot focus on the distorted way they saw me without risking becoming that distortion.

That more clearly illustrates what it means to me when I say, “I believe in myself.”  It means I’m not believing in other’s distortion or projections of me.  I believe in what I know to be true about me.

I’m reading through this and I can see how it seems a little one sided, like I’m always the innocent one being wronged by others.  That is not true.  I see myself in these other things too.  I started off by saying “When I am centered and in balance with myself”.  The post is describing the moment where I stray, where I lose myself.

Once I’ve gone off the rails, I then fall into the bucket of “other”.  I begin doing those less than desirable things myself.  I would say that the single hardest moment in the healing process, is the moment when you realize that to some degree, at some level . . . you yourself have done the very things that others did that hurt you.

It won’t look the same on the outside at all.  But it’s the realization that the same mechanisms are at play within yourself as well.  It is the most humbling and yet liberating thing I have ever experienced.  The truth really does set you free.

So no, I’m not blind to how these things play out in me as well, but my focus at this time is in being smarter about not going off of the rails in the first place.  The rest of it becomes irrelevant if I stay centered and balanced within myself to begin with.  (I needed to say all of that to balance the energy in the post and in my head.)

Not My Circus

The UnMasking Continues

Yesterday was a really interesting and long day for me.  I got revved up into my Aries fire and it felt like I was getting oxygen into my lungs finally after a long time, but also like getting water to drink after being dehydrated for so long.

While doing the video I felt really solid, strong, and good inside.  Then I watched the video and I was like, “What in the hell is all this?”  What I felt and what it looked like were two completely different things in my mind.

First of all, I was able to hear strain in my voice.  It’s *almost* like a whine.  It’s not my favorite sound.  Because I know what I was feeling on the inside, I understand how it’s still the remnants and traces of the tightening and restriction in my body from trying to stop this kind of expression from coming out of me.

The important part is that it’s starting to come out and find expression, kind of like relieving a pressure valve in me, but being pushed through a very resistant and stubbornly tight tube.  Kind of like when the toothpaste gets so crusted and dried up at the opening of the tube and you have to push the rest of the tube so hard to force it through, that when it breaks through, toothpaste is all over the wall, mirror, . . . no?  Just me?  Anyways 🙂

And like I look and sounded like I was genuinely shaken up inside, like I was working hard to keep myself together . . . and again that’s like the opposite of what I was feeling inside.  I was feeling great!  Like AH!  YEAH!

Also, while talking, I felt like I was staying much more grounded and clear than usual, but hell if I didn’t wander.  I stopped in mid-rant because I saw a white cat with big orange spots walking around the garden across the street and it was so out of place that I completely got distracted with what I was saying.  If that’s not a fine display of Gemini, I don’t know what is.

I would hear myself go into one point and then veer off into another point completely.  While I’m very, very happy to have gotten out the points that I did – I still had a hard time following all of what I was trying to say – and that’s with me knowing what I was trying to say.

I was watching it going, “wait . . . that didn’t make the impact or the point that I was getting at, that ended up sounding like such a non-issue.”  and “wait, you were about to make a good point and you just totally veered off into a non-related thing, wtf Jenn?”

I totally get the people on American Idol now who can’t sing worth shit, but are genuinely surprised when they are told so.  There’s how something goes in your head, and then there’s what actually comes out.  If you’ve never done candid videos of yourself and then watched them back with an open mind, I cannot recommend it enough.  Holy cow.

But just like when watching my other videos, there were also parts that I tend to hide or squelch in me that I really wish I wouldn’t because they are my favorite parts when I do show them.

Also, I talk too fast and run over thoughts too quickly.  I’m like, “this, that, and whatever”.  I’m like, uh, Jenn . . . why don’t you put a little more thought into those examples and list more specific things instead of saying, “x, y, z” for everything.  It’s like I’m trying to make it generic enough to fit whatever other people’s own personal situations are, but I make it so general that the point I’m trying to make gets lost in it.

It is SO Neptune-ie.  Vague, general.  When that’s not what I’m trying to do at all.  I’m trying too hard to make it fit too many situations and scenarios so that people can relate and I’m totally failing in that purpose.  Right?  Because instead of like, “oh I totally relate” it becomes more like, “well . . . I think I can relate . . I mean, I’m not totally sure if she’s referring to the same thing I’m thinking of, but it does remind me of that situation.”

I’m wanting too much to relate and to fit in, while at the same time fighting to not lose my own self and integrity.  I see how I’m still thinking too much about the crowd of fictitious people I think are watching my videos, which pulls me out of myself.

I can’t be centered in myself, being myself, if too much of my focus is hanging outside of my body and yelling back at me how to adjust what or how I say things so that this audience that is really just made up of ghosts from my past, don’t get offended or respond to me in a way that feels hurtful.

I’m trying to be too many things at once instead of just standing tall in myself.

I need to stop being afraid of using specific situations or examples from my life and trying to protect the identity of others in my life.

Here’s the thing.  I want to talk about what I’ve learned and what I’ve noticed in life, and it kind of involves other people in my life.  I’m aware that there’s how I saw and experienced a situation, and then there is how they saw and experienced a situation.  But when I try to tell how I saw and experienced the situation, it sometimes doesn’t paint the other person in a beautiful light.

There is a tendency in our society to focus on *booing* the supposed “bad guy” in a story, instead of paying attention to the point of the story.  When I’m in balance, I do not see others in my life as the “bad guy”, but when I try to tell my stories of what I’ve learned in life, all of the focus becomes on, “oh you poor dear” or “that’s horrible” or “they shouldn’t have done that to you.” which completely misses the point of the story, and it completely leaves me out of it.

It becomes about the other people in my life not being “good” and that is upsetting to me.  I don’t feel it’s fair.  That person has a life and a story to tell as well, and it’s most likely just as sad and upsetting, if not more so than my story.  I’m sure when someone else is telling a story about their life that involves me, I may look like the bad guy in that story.  Do you see how pointless all of it is?

I don’t want what other people did or didn’t do to be the focus of my stories.  They aren’t their stories.  They are mine and they are about how I overcame and triumphed over challenges and obstacles.  Don’t make it about the other person, you know?

And plus, like I love and care about these people, and I know they aren’t perfect – but it’s like I’m not allowed to share my life and my stories because other people’s judgments come in and fluff it all up for me.  I then find myself telling my stories where I’m some sort of victim, and that’s NOT even how I personally experienced the situation.

I again let how society has been conditioned to see situations, influence and overwrite me.

I have come to believe that I had a bad childhood, not because that’s how I experienced it, but because of the reactions and responses I have received from people over the years when I’m just talking about my life.  It paints my life in a darker light.  It then makes it more difficult for me to cope with it.

It ends up causing me more hurt than was necessary.  It forces me to see the world with less love in it.  I start to feel bad and guilty for loving my parents and my exes.  I get painted as being naïve and stupid for not knowing better.  I become this frail and damaged person.  “Poor thing, she doesn’t even know how damaged she is.”

Do you know why kids are so resilient?  Because they aren’t focused on the fact that they’re being wronged.  They see through the eyes of love.  If we didn’t make so many things SO HEINOUS and so disgusting and evil and go on and on and on about it and how we have to punish the evildoers doing this to our children and using children as a platform to punish other human beings . . . then children wouldn’t be so fucking traumatized about the things they go through.

They are naturally understanding and naturally forgiving.  They don’t want to be the source or used as the reason to prosecute and harm other humans, no matter what their crime is.

So in my stories about my life, you will notice an absence of me saying anything specifically about who did what to me, exactly for this reason.  To protect them from other’s unfair judgments and in making my story more about them than about me.  And the times that I did try to mention something specifically, I regretted it with every fiber of my body.  I hated that I did it and I hated the feelings it brought up afterwards.

Like I said . . . it influences me.  I start thinking less of my loved ones than I did before, and that makes me feel less about myself because that’s not how I think and that’s not how I am.  I don’t see the world like that.

Omg . . . I didn’t even realize that that is why I am so afraid to speak up or express myself.  (Having a toothpaste on wall moment.)

I love my dad.  He’s not perfect.  He’s a man from the Appalachian Mountains, who are regarded as the smallest minority group in the United States (even though they are white).  They are poor and they are humble.  It’s the general area where Dolly Parton is from, so if you’ve seen her story about her earlier life, you’ll have a good idea of the kind of life he comes from.  They work hard, they have little.

He has a temper.  Things got broken in the house growing up.  There was a lot of yelling.  There was a lot of things that went on that weren’t necessarily cool, and no a lot of it should not have happened to me.  But I love my dad.  I see the soul inside.  He’s a good man, who got hurt at a young age and got covered up in other people’s darkness.

I love my mom.  She’s not perfect.  She comes from a more proper family.  Good manners, proper grammar, no elbows on the table kind of family.  She didn’t necessarily know the struggles my dad knew when growing up, so it’s harder for her to understand where he was coming from.  His more raw and rugged ways were harder for her to handle because she didn’t have so much of a resilience to how hard life can truly be, when they had first met.

She was what a person would call naïve or not very street smart, she didn’t know how to handle the darker side of life . . . and so life kept coming  at her with darker and darker things the more she tried to run away from it, the more she tried to deny that she had those same tendencies within herself.  She held tightly to my light to keep the darkness away from her, choking the life out of me in the process.  Not intentionally.  Not knowingly.  Not maliciously.  But because she was so afraid, she couldn’t see through the darkness to the truth.

Told in stories from my perspective, they will appear on the surface to be the bad guys.  They are not the bad guys.  They are people, human beings . . . not monsters.

The “bad” people in our lives, are just human beings with painful stories of their own.  It doesn’t excuse their behavior, it doesn’t mean they don’t have to suffer the consequences . . . but it does not mean that they need to be demonized.  It does not mean that they don’t deserve to be seen through the eyes of love and with compassion.  They are already living in a hell of their own within their own skin, the last thing they need is anyone else’s judgment on them.

Discernment . . . discernment is another thing entirely.  It’s good to be aware of another person’s tendencies.  Be aware of whether their actions are hurtful to you or not, and if they are, to take the necessary steps to remove yourself from harm’s way.  Be aware of your own tendencies.  What is leading you to people who behave as they do?

I use discernment to decide whether it’s best that I cut someone out of my life or not.  It has NOTHING to do with whether I love or care about them.  If someone is blind to their subconscious actions, then they are going to continue hurting me without meaning to.  Therefore, in order to not let something keep going until I start to hate the person for hurting me over and over, I have to find the strength to push them out of my life.  They may think it’s because I don’t care or don’t love them, but that is not true.  I cry all of the time for the loss of the people I’ve had to push out of my life for these reasons.

They are so lost in fear and blind to themselves and what they do and how it impacts and affects others, that I am forced to make the painful decision to not have them in my life.  It hurts me.

But . . . in order to not turn into them as I grow older, I also have to learn to forgive this hurt and let it go too.  Which means, I can’t be seeing them as the bad guys.  When you’ve healed from your pain, the world looks vastly different.  It’s not filled with potential people who are going to hurt you, it’s filled with human beings who aren’t perfect but who are trying to find their way the best they can.  It’s filled with people desperate to find love and wanting to feel better, and are going about it in the many creative ways that humans can.  Some think they’ll get better with money, with sex, with a high position, with being a healer, being a parent . . . all the many ways we seek to find our way back to our innocence and to home.  Always trying to find our way back home.

I’m ever hopeful that I’ll find others who are willing to put in the hard work to push through the darkness that covers them so that they can bring themselves back into awareness about who they really are, so that I don’t have to continue pushing people out of my life . . . so that I don’t have to be alone.

*This* is what my story is really about.  I’m wanting to find fellow playmates . . . friends . . . who have found themselves and who don’t unintentionally hurt me and who I can be myself around because my way of being doesn’t offend them because they are seeing me from a place of love instead of from a place of fear.

eight-year-old-version-our-self

Not So Bad After All

I’m starting to really gain traction in overcoming a lifelong fear and so I’m going to keep throwing myself into the fire.  I’m posting and putting myself out there more, even at work.  Although I’m barely getting a response, it’s like crickets out there.

That kind of hits at the core of my fear though, you know?  Like I finally start to come out of hiding and the reception is luke warm at best.  Luckily my focus is more on trying to do whatever I’m doing for my own personal enjoyment.

It felt really nice doing the video yesterday.  I was the most relaxed I can ever recall being in a situation like that.  I was much more comfortable in my skin.  Kind of like, hey . . . this isn’t so bad.

The biggest thing I’m learning out of the video blogs though, is from watching them myself later.  I know all of the things that were going through my head during that time, and it’s quite a different experience seeing what it looks like from the outside.

I find that my favorite parts, are the ones that normally I would’ve stopped the recording and started all over again to edit them out.  I’m seeing firsthand how I edit myself out of my life constantly.  Living it, I know exactly why I do it . . . but watching it from the other side, I’m like WHY in the HELL are you doing that?!  Let her come out more!

The parts where silly me slips out like when I crack myself up, can feel embarrassing to me on the inside, like “Woops, I wasn’t supposed to do that, I’m a grown up and grown ups don’t act like that.”

From this other perspective, I am understanding less why I worry so much about how people will receive me.  Watching as if I were meeting me for the first time, I find myself feeling, “I like this person.  I really like her.  If I were to meet someone like her in life, she would be my lifelong friend.”

The biggest shock of all is what I didn’t see.  I have all of these impressions and perspectives from what has been reflected back to me by others that I’ve been close to in life.  Those things absolutely do not match what I see.  From doing this exercise I’m only now becoming truly aware of how much what other people have projected onto me, isn’t me.

Prior to these vlogs (ah ah ah . . . sesame street count), I had never watched myself on video.  I never got to experience me for myself.

I’m not sure what I was expecting.  A villain?  Horns to appear when I began speaking?  My eyes to turn blood red?  I was expecting more of an attitude to be coming out of me.  I was expecting to look like I was just totally full of shit.  I was expecting to be annoyed or irritated by me.  I was expecting to watch me and be like, “I hate you, you disgust me.”  I was expecting to see hints of arrogance and like I was holier than thou.  Like I was trying to be something I’m not.  Like I’m trying to be better than I really am.

But after watching?  My perception about myself is changing vastly, because I’ll tell you something . . . if I were to meet someone like me in life, I wouldn’t even dream of treating her like I’ve been treated.  In fact, it’s appalling when I look back on my life.  My respect for about a dozen or so people in my life just totally went into the toilet, along with their ability to influence me.

I am very happy to have been able to meet and see me for myself so that I no longer have to take other people’s word for it.  I’m used to stories of people facing themselves in the mirror and not liking what they see.  I don’t know that I’ve ever heard of a story of someone facing themselves in the mirror and being surprised by how much they like who they see.

This is all I needed, I just needed to know for myself that I am not as horrible of a person as I thought.  That’s something I can take to my heart and give myself a safe harbor to weather storms.  From there, it’s okay if you don’t like me.  It’s okay if I’m alone.  It’s okay if I’m invisible.

I faced and judged myself with the same measures in which I judge others, and I experienced something completely unexpected.  I really like who I am.  If I were a man, I would adore, protect, and cherish someone like me.  I would do anything to make her happy and to keep her smiling and laughing.  If I were another woman meeting me, I would want to be best friends for life and would give thanks to the heavens every day that I had her in my life and would go on crazy girl adventures, getting into trouble and enjoying the hell out of life.

If I’m able to feel that way about myself, then there’s just no excuse for me allowing otherwise into my life.

Fought For Me

This Light Inside Of Me Is Mine. There Are Many Like It, But This One Is Mine.

Omg, where did I go?  It’s like I fell off the face of the Earth these last couple of months.  This was the first time since I started actively writing on this blog, that I skipped an entire month without posting.  Sorry, November 2014, you don’t get a place of your own in my archive list.  {A moment of silence 😦 }

Now, that’s not to say I didn’t think of you guys, I most certainly did.  This place has come to feel like a favorite hangout of mine, and my readers are like all of the cool random people that I run into while at my hangout.

But regardless of whether you’re an extrovert or introvert, highly sensitive or . . . I don’t know . . . what’s the opposite of that?  Insensitive?  {shoulder shrug},  we all have those times in our lives when things get so intense, we have to kind of withdraw from our usual activities in order to take care of business.  And so it was for me.

Are things now less intense for me?  Not even close.  But there’s no sign of it slowing down, and so I’ve shifted my focus from trying to ‘survive’ it, to pushing myself to the next level and owning it.  This isn’t about ‘why me, god?! why me!?’, it’s about, “Hey Jenn.  You have a ton of untapped potential.  But for some reason, you can’t seem to push yourself enough to be motivated to really get in there, so we’re going to do you a little favor and apply some much needed pressure and challenge so that you are forced to bring your A-Game to life.”

And bravo life, because it’s working.

This last Friday, however, I felt like the universe finally threw me a bone.  “Here’s a gold star for your insane efforts these last months, just so you don’t completely give up as we continue to dump truckloads of ‘WTF?’ on your head.”

Things have been so intense, that I had forgotten that Facebook even existed, but on Friday I suddenly felt the need to check it.  I saw that I had a new friend request from someone I knew years ago.  Plus, an added bonus, it was someone I liked.  So I accepted the request, and then suddenly she was messaging me.  She was so excited to have found me, which I have to say, there’s no feeling quite like someone being so gosh durn happy to have gotten in touch with you.

But it gets even better.

About 5 years ago, I had done an astrology reading for her.  Shortly after this, life called each of us away and we completely lost contact with each other.  Anyways, on Friday, she reminded me that I had said during the coming months of that time, she would meet the love of her life.  (I’m pretty sure I said she had the ‘potential’ of meeting the love of her life . . . I’m uber cautious like that).

The relationship she was just coming out of at the time had completely imploded in on itself, and oh so much ‘no no no no no’ was happening with it.  Now, I’m not the kind of person who will just tell people what I think they want to hear so that they don’t lose hope or give up.  In fact, I’d personally be thinking that a relationship was the last thing she needed, and if I remember correctly, she wasn’t interested herself.  But I do have a faint memory of seeing a coming transit in her chart that stood out so strong and bright, that despite the current situation feeling to the contrary. . . I shared with her what I saw.

Well . . . it turns out, that around the indicated time, she *did* meet someone.  4 1/2 years later, and they are still together and going strong.  She said she had been wanting to get ahold of me to tell me thank you for having opened her up to the possibility, that I had changed her life.

I sat in my seat stunned.  I remember my short stint of doing astrology readings for others.  I didn’t feel real confident in myself, and I didn’t feel like I was really helping anyone.  People would schedule a reading, I’d give it, and then that would be the end of it.  In fact, that basically describes my entire life.  I feel like I put so much into everything I do . . . then dead silence . . . and then that’s the end of that.

My natal Pluto on the Descendant is a real bastard, let me tell ya.  Just seeing the words I used above I can tell you that’s what is at play here.  “Dead Silence.”  No feedback.  No response.  I put myself out there over and over, and get no response or ping or reflection from others about myself.  It’s just me showing myself, and then that disappears into a black hole known as “Other”.

The Descendant is the Other in our lives.  Relationships.  It’s naturally ruled by Libra (and Venus).  Mine happens to also be ruled by Libra.  Relationships in our life are incredibly important because it’s the only way we really get to know ourselves separate from other people.  Aries, the Individual Self, is in natural opposition to Libra, the Other.  It’s the push and pull between these two, that helps us understand ourselves in relation to others and helps us further refine what we know about ourselves.

If a person were to go their whole life with no human interaction, they would be hard pressed to be able to understand who they were as an individual because there is no compare and contrast.  There is nothing to initiate the inner ‘I am this, I am not this’ dialogue.

I know that some of the point of how my natal chart is set up, is to learn to do things for me and because I want to, and not based on other’s response or lack of.  But that’s easier said than done.

Because there is nothing like putting your whole heart and soul into a project, and then when finished, all you hear is absolute silence coming from the audience, followed by the quiet shuffle as everyone gets up to leave the theater in an unenthused, quiet, and orderly fashion as if they had just been to a lecture on the benefits of using certain types of soil for the best lawn results.  It is so demoralizing.  It is incredibly hard to keep up self confidence and inspiration when you’re met with that time and time again.

Btw, that is also my Saturn in Leo in 5th, if you notice the theater verbiage and being ‘orderly’.  The words we use to describe things tell us so much more about the situation then we commonly realize.

Pluto is the Lord of the Underworld.  Death and Transformation.  It is the state a human can become even while alive.  They become zombie-like.  They lack life.  They are essentially dead.  They cannot be roused up out of their rut.  They are incapable of seeing or entertaining the idea of a world or existence outside of what they view as a cold and cruel world.  They’ve given up.  They are perpetual victims, never seeing their role in why situations in their life plays out like it does.  It’s always other people’s fault.  They become like broken records, repeating the same upset and depressing things over and over, year after year.  They will gladly take any life you have to give, but will have nothing to give in return because they don’t use what they are given to truly change their lives, only to sustain their current way of life.

That is what I face every day of my life with Pluto on the Descendant.  People who have lost their spirit, their will to live, and have let their light go out inside.  They have nothing in them to give back, and anything they try to do in order to give the appearance that they are giving back, is just dead and hollow.  Compliments don’t mean anything because they are not real or true, they are just what is done because they either want to appear as a good person or appear to have something to give so that people that are carrying light, don’t leave them.  They don’t want to be alone in the dark with no light, but they haven’t quite figured out that they need to do something to re-ignite their own light instead of trying to steal, capture, hold, possess, etc. someone else’s light as their own.

In order to re-ignite your light after you have let it go out, you have to go through an intense process of death and rebirth while alive (born again anyone?).  And if you can’t dig deep and find the strength in you to overcome that test, then you could die for real.  Or, you could live out the rest of your life as one of the walking dead who are never happy, but it’s not your fault because life is unfair, and focus all of your time promoting how hard you have it and how it never gets better, instead of putting that energy into making some real changes in your life.

So my light goes into these deep black holes, never to be seen again and never reflecting back to me the light I shine for them.  For the longest time, I have also seen myself as a black hole . . . the same as is reflected back to me by these walking dead others.  Because they have nothing to give back, and what they do is usually false or fake, I have a hard time trying to convince myself that I’m not that, without feeling deluded.

I do recognize how I can be capable of those same behaviors, especially when I get worn down enough and haven’t been taking good care of myself or enforcing boundaries between me and others like I should.  I know what it feels like to be the walking dead, because I have taken many unwilling journeys into the Underworld.

But the big difference between me and those others in my life so far, is that at some point, The Fighter . . . The Warrior in me, all of my Aries Rising, Venus, Mars, South Node . . . surfaces and I fight my way back into the light screaming like an Amazonian Banshee on Fire the entire way. (RAAAWWWWWR!)  I gain clarity.  I know who I am and who I am not.  I rise to the challenge, my swords blazing and cutting through the darkness and shadows.  I will not let the darkness put out my precious light for any reason or for any person.  I fight for my light, so that I do not become lost and self-absorbed.

There is a distinct difference between taking good care of yourself, protecting yourself, standing up for yourself . . . and only thinking about yourself and acting like you’re the only person on the planet with any problems.  One is to protect your own light from being stolen or letting it go out and becoming one of the dead . . . and the other is being one of the dead and taking light from others.

When I do get fired up and my Inner Warrior comes out, I have immense confidence and I definitely do not need anyone’s approval or feedback.  But it’s no longer enough for me to just come out guns-a-blazing and mowing down everyone in my path, I must learn how to consistently hold this clarity of my individual self, even while interacting and being completely surrounded by these walking dead.  I think ideally, without so much bloodshed.

I’m not entirely sure that I knew what I was signing up for when I came down here.  There’s a good reason we are made to forget, until we are strong enough to remember.  It’s best that I didn’t know how hard it would be.

How hard it is to climb the stairs to a center stage, knowing that you must perform with your entire heart and soul for there to be any chance of impact at all, but also knowing that you will not be given a sign or any kind of indication of how your performance was viewed or received.  Just straight up faith and belief in yourself.  Even if you’re the only one in the whole wide world who believes in you, but . . . without getting defensive or closing your heart to that whole wide world.

Although . .  as I start to let that part of me show, my heart and soul (and in new experiences of what that even means), the universe rewards me with that rare treat of hearing that I had a real impact on a person’s life.  Friday was one of those rare moments, that followed quickly on the heals of me changing how I was interacting with others in my life.  Makes me feel like Pavlov’s dog.  “You rang the bell, you get a treat.”  It freaking works, I’ll tell you what.  Never do I feel so motivated to keep pushing through the dark, than when I start hitting definite markers that point to the most direct route out of the Underworld.

So if you happen to see a great big ball of flame whizzing by, screaming like the Furies, swords-a-flying, slicing a pathway through the dark, don’t be alarmed.  It’s just Jenn on her daily commute.

 sour fruit thieves

To The Robin Williams Of The World

His death is hitting me pretty hard.  It’s hard to see someone make it to 63 and still decide to give up the fight.  It’s hard to see how much genuine love, warmth, and kindness he had to give to everyone . . . but wasn’t able to see himself in the same way that we experienced him.

It makes me think of others in my life, who do a similar thing.  So hard and critical of themselves.  Never giving themselves a break.  Never seeing themselves through other’s eyes.  Never seeing how truly loving, gentle, humbling, and kind they are or what it is they do and bring into other’s lives.

So much focus on being perfect.  On not being good enough.  Or not meeting expectations.  So much attention on what it is that they’re doing wrong, that they miss all of the things that they’re doing right.  Not appreciating or valuing what it is they actually bring to the table of life.

And it’s heartbreaking.  It’s heartbreaking to see someone so genuine, real, warm, gentle, loving . . . something the world is so greatly lacking in right now, not know or see or comprehend the tremendous value they bring to us.

What are we doing to ourselves that we value these things *so* little, that those who are filled with genuineness, love, and warmth, are made to feel like they are worthless?  I can’t say enough how heartbreaking this is.  How reflective this is of the state of things.  The useless bickering and complete bullshit nonsense that we waste our lives on.  It makes me feel so angry inside and hurt.  It makes me feel ashamed to be a human.

I feel pathetic in the face of things like this.  It makes me realize how easily I can become lost in trivial things.  Robin was said to not just be generous with material items, but with his time.  He gave of himself.  Time and being fully present with another human being is the most valuable thing you could give to another person.  It’s personal because you only have a finite amount of it to spend in a lifetime, so who you spend it with and how you choose to spend it is important.

What is it all for?  Why do we do all of the things we do each day, if it’s not from a place of love?  What is the point of being alive if it’s just to exist or to survive?  We all act like when we get *there* or get that future goal accomplished or conquered or overcome, THEN we’ll feel better or feel alright.  But that never fucking happens.

And do you want to know why?  Because we forget to be in love while on the journey.  We forget to be in love with the journey.  Whether you are a scientist, analyst, journalist, comedian, housewife, janitor . . . it doesn’t matter, you should still be coming from a place of love from within yourself.  No excuses.

I’m sorry.  I’m feeling really angry and sorrowful inside.  I feel like we just lost one of the truly good ones in the world.  I am angry that he didn’t get to feel and know inside of himself while alive, how important and valuable his gifts were to the world.  I am angry that the collective wasn’t willing or able to reflect back to him, what he so freely gave to the collective.

I’m angry that I currently live in a world where someone like him is made to feel alone and isolated and so desperate to end the pain he felt inside.  And some of the heartless remarks made in reference to him taking his own life . . . all I have to say to any and all of those folks is, “Fuck.You.”

And an energetic punch to the face.  Because fuck you again.

I know what it’s like to fight depression myself.  I know what it’s like to have someone you love and very close to you try to take their life.  It is not a black and white issue.

From everything that I’ve personally experienced & witnessed in regards to true depression and attempted/successful suicide, is that it stems from an internal fight inside to try and keep your heart intact while trying to learn how to navigate and survive a world that’s become ruled by cold and heartless people who aren’t even aware themselves that they are cold and heartless.

It is the toughest battle a human can embark on.  It takes incredible heart and courage to make the decision everyday to fight that battle.  Every day you make it, is a personal triumph and something to be proud of.  So when one of those who are fighting the good fight goes down?  Give them the motherfucking respect they deserve for having made it that far.

Live Courageously

This Life I Get To Fight For My Own Happiness

I’ve had many personal readings from many astrologers.  Each reading unique and wonderful in their own way.  Each one giving me a different perspective of how I was seen.  Each one giving light to the many different parts of me that normally go unseen by others.  It felt good.

Some of the astrologers who I’ve had personal readings with are very well known in the astrology community, such as Alan Oken, Philip Sedgwick, and Laura Nalbandian.  I had my chart used as an example during Astrology Night at Soul Foods Café in Redmond by Jeff Jawer & Rick Levine.  Meeting and getting to talk with each of these people in person, were all phenomenal experiences in my life.  So many years of gathered personal experience and understanding of the world from their viewpoint, all getting put to use in order to help me find my place in space and time.

I’ve also had astrologers who were just starting out and learning to see with this new perspective that the world of astrology opens you up to.  The readings were definitely a little more *rough*, but they were not any less valuable to me.  I still felt amazement in hearing each person’s own spin or perspective on life.

funny-cloud-shark-rainbow-drooling

I originally got into astrology because besides being curious by nature, I deeply needed to understand how other people saw the world unique and different from me.  It was ultimately to help me understand myself and my place in the world, but I had no comparison to go off of.  If I only ever view the world from my own perspective, how can I understand how my perspective is different or unique.  How can I understand what it is I have that is of value to offer others?

Funny enough, because I was being a total dork, when first studying astrology, I misread my birth certificate time.  They are military documents, and back when they were still using good ole’ typewriters.  After the time, the form options had both AM and PM.  There were two XXs over PM.  Now even though my mom has told me forever that I was born in the early hours, my brain looked at that and thought FOR SURE it meant that it was selecting PM . . . versus crossing it off as the option.

So for the first year of studying astrology, I studied my chart in complete reverse.  A mirror image.  A Libra rising, with Pluto and Uranus in my 1st house instead of my 7th.  So why did it still make total sense to me?  More sense than my real chart of Aries rising?  Because the way my chart is setup, others frequently project the shadows they don’t want to own onto me.  I identified more with how other’s responded to me, more than I identified with my own self . . . so having my 7th house acting as my 1st house made much more sense to me than the other way around.

I am completely convinced that this was done on purpose, whether by some unseen force or my own subconscious because anyone who works with me knows that I don’t make these kind of mistakes with details.  Not just that, I was unable to *un-think* it for an ENTIRE year.  I kept looking back at my birth certificate and I was unable to see it any other way than the two XXs on the PM mean 2:02 PM.  I even had my own mother start to doubt her own memory of when she had had me, it was that strong.

But then one day, I pulled the birth certificate out to look at it again . . . and saw it as I had seen it before . . . when all at once, I felt something unravel, untwist, un-fog inside of me . . . and I saw clearly for the first time that OMG, I’m such an idiot!  The two XXs were blocking out the PM, because my birth was 2:02 AM . . . so those letters were left uncovered.  My whole world flipped upside down.  My head got woozy and disoriented.

So then I rushed to rerun all of my reports and start all over AGAIN learning about my chart, but now with the correct time.  And *that* is when I started to see myself clearly for the first time in my life.  That’s when I first started to learn that there was a possibility that I wasn’t evil incarnate.  That I didn’t in fact understand myself at all, and neither did anyone else.  That all of the things other people had me believing about myself, actually had nothing to do with me at all.

Astrology profoundly changed my life because it was something that I could look at for myself that was outside of any person’s opinion.  It’s a signature energy imprint for the time and location of when I was born that won’t be repeated for nearly 26,000 years.  This is the window to the workings of something that is bigger than any of us alone.  For the first time I was able to get information about me that wasn’t so tainted by other people’s wounds and selfishness.  I was able to start seeing the me that I remembered from when I was a little girl before the darkness of the world closed in on me.

funny-crayon-blanket-fort-quote

I saw why I was so scared to be myself.  With Pluto conjunct my descendant, and Uranus in Scorpio in the 7th house . . . being myself could mean my life.  Others in my life tended to be very powerful and a bit erratic.  In the past if, I didn’t toe the line, they had no problems ripping the rug from under my feet.  It left me feeling powerless.  It left me feeling like I was forced to make myself small and invisible in order to not offend in any way possible.  But with Pluto and Uranus in Scorpio . . . you NEVER know what it is that you’re doing that is being offensive.  It’s some sort of secret code of conduct that only they know the rules to, and they refuse to share what those rules are outside of themselves.  They only let you know that one was violated by a violent outburst that comes out of nowhere and disappears just as quickly and everyone pretends like nothing happened.

funny wine

I grew up living literally scared to death.

But all I was really trying to say about all of this, is that I’ve spent a good portion of my life outside of my Self, trying to understand and explain life from everyone else’s viewpoint in order to not unwittingly trigger an outburst.  Scorpio/Pluto doesn’t talk about what’s really going on underneath the surface.  It’s the stuff in us that we never say out loud in the company of others.  It’s stuff that we only share with intimate and close people if anyone at all.  Most often it is stuff we won’t even admit to ourselves.

So I was always trying to understand what it is I wasn’t getting about other people because of their strange responses to me, but they’re all locked up tight like Fort Knox.  In order to understand what is going on with them, I was forced to pull out of myself and immerse myself in their world view.  Trying to be understanding of them and their life and their struggles and how it’s not their fault they’re like that.  And that is how I lose my own personal power, how I lose my Self, how I lose my self confidence, and how I become insecure.

Because anyone who knows the Plutonian world, knows that once Pluto has it’s grubby hands on you . . . he’s not going to let you go.  Ever.  Pluto/Scorpio is already dark to begin with, but going into the shadows of that energy?  Omg, you guys, it’s ink black liquid darkness.  That’s where obsession, possession, and murder come out to play.  It.is.scary.

funny-cat-nose-dominance-hand

That’s at it’s worse, but there’s a whole spectrum to Pluto/Scorpio and it’s not all as intense as death and lust.  One of the just starting out astrologers who had given me a reading, saw my north node in Libra in the 7th house.  She started banging on this drum about how I needed to be more aware of other people outside of myself.  Having *just* shared with you how my life really went down . . . I’m hoping maybe you get something of an understanding of how that struck me.  It seriously hurt my feelings over and over.  She’d even call me out on it in the middle of an astrology class she was giving and indirectly shame me in front of everyone.  And I had trusted her and viewed her as a good friend.  I took it as her being real/truthful with me.

But now, after seeing how that relationship went down in flames when she started showing her true colors, I can totally see how she was projecting her own selfishness onto me.  On the outside she seemed to be the one who cared about all of the people around her . . . but she was only ever thinking of herself.  On the outside I only ever seemed to be thinking about me, but really I was only ever thinking about everyone else.

Which brings me to why I was even writing this blog post.  As I said, I love hearing everyone else’s viewpoint about things.  I loved getting readings with people because I’m fascinated with how they view life differently from everyone else.  Astrology is a great structure or topic in which to talk and discuss the world in an alternative way and has a large community.  And having another astrologer do a reading for me, gives me a single focus point in which to compare how everyone’s view differs.  I am the one constant in all of the readings.  Astrology is such that you can tailor the interpretations to your own unique perspective of life.  So seeing how each person interprets my chart, gives me such a rich flavor and experience of the uniqueness in each individual.  They’re all talking about me . . . but really they are all showing me themselves.

And the readings that I value the most, have nothing to do with how famous the person is or how positive of a light they tried to paint me.  The ones that made me cry and touched my heart the deepest, were the ones who spoke from their own power and in their own voice.  I don’t want to be told what you think I want to hear.  You cannot know what I want to hear.  That only ever leads to manipulation, projection, assumptions, misunderstandings, and incorrect expectations.  It’s useless and pointless, and I lose respect for the person and even myself whenever I do it.  It never feels good in either position and it is ultimately giving yourself and your power away.

But the people who told me from their own personal self how they saw my chart?  Those readings had a huge impact on me.  They moved me.  They meant so much to me.  They were the most valuable and priceless gifts ever given to me.

And one in particular has been coming up over and over today and is really what resulted in this whole post, is one where after taking a few moments to study my chart, the woman looked at me and said something to the affect of, “You are here for yourself.  You are here to understand that you matter, that you count.  That others are not more important than you.  You always stand up for others, always willing to fight for the underdog, always willing to sacrifice yourself . . . but you have trouble understanding that you matter too.  And so you are here to learn to fight for yourself and not let yourself get bullied and forced against your will.”

And somehow . . . I’ve already forgotten that.  I forget it over and over.  I’m not here to see the world from everyone else’s viewpoint.  I’m not here to be understanding of another’s situation.  That’s all I’ve ever done in my life.  I’m here to learn how to speak for myself and in my own voice.  I have a unique and individual perspective to share the same as everyone else, and I’m here to learn how to be solidly in mySelf and share only from that space in me.

I’m tired of my own personal perspective and opinion being “wrong” because it’s misunderstood by someone else who is in a darker place than me.  I’m tired of being the one that puts myself out there over and over trying to understand where the offense and misunderstanding is coming from between me and another person.  Every time, after months and sometimes years of digging and trying to understand where the hurt or misunderstanding came from . . . it’s 100% a misunderstanding of what I was actually doing and saying and how the other person CHOSE to see my actions.  Always!  Always, always!

When I’m centered fully in mySelf, I don’t have a mean bone in my body.  The things I do and say are from a pure expression (Aries).  It is me being ME.  I am tired of being guilty until proven innocent and it being me having to put in all of the work in order to ultimately show that I was innocent.  If someone is offended by something I’ve done or said, then I need to start leaving it to them to make the choice to discuss it and better understand who I am.  If they just want to continue to be upset or offended by it, then they can do it outside of my life.

smiling

Who I am, is not something for me to be ashamed or feel bad or guilty about.  It may go against current accepted social protocol, but sometimes social protocol needs to be brought into question because it’s become corrupt and dark.  It doesn’t automatically mean that I’m the one that is wrong or bad.

funny-song-street-singer-girl-dancing

When I’m centered fully in mySelf, all I know is that I am happy.  All I know is that I feel immense love, openness, and joy in my life.  And if that is offensive to others because they can’t see past their own bitterness and darkness, then I’m sorry.  I actually am.  It actually hurts me.  It’s why I get pulled back into the dark over and over, because it literally hurts me to see how true happiness in me, can hurt another human being so much because they have such a lack of it in their life.  It makes me feel so sad and hurt inside for them.

So I want to be this tough girl who doesn’t care about what other people think, but I DO care.  I care immensely, and not just because I care about what they think of ME, but because I care about how they suffer in themselves.  I can feel it.  My Neptune/Moon feels it all.  The heartbreak I feel in so many people in my life just about does me in.  But I can’t do it anymore.  I can’t go back into the dark.  I’m tired and I’ve been fighting this my whole life, and I just don’t have anymore in me to fight for other people’s happiness.

So yes, I care about each and every person who ever crosses my path.  And all I ever want is to be of use, to help lessen your suffering . . . to help you smile again or to help you not give up.

But that is not my fight in this lifetime.  My fight is now for my own happiness.  My fight is in learning how to let go of feeling like an evil douche when I see that someone is feeling hurt, and I can’t stop and try to understand what is wrong and try to make it all better for them.  That I have to let them feel however they need or choose to feel.  That their feelings are not my responsibility.  That they need to learn how to speak for themselves, even while trapped in the dark.

funny-cat-dollar-hugging-money

It’s also a part of incorporating my own shadow of Pluto & Uranus in Scorpio.  I’m going to sometimes appear on the surface to others as a selfish prick by just being me.  And I have to let go of trying to control that and let others think whatever they want about me.  I have to let them do what I’ve learned myself from running into similar situations.  Learn to speak up.  Say something.  Don’t leave it all on the other person.  If you never say anything, or ask, or discuss it with the other person, how will you ever really know what they were thinking or doing without projecting onto them your own reality?

So . . . anyways, that’s what was going on today in my head.  How about you?

Putting The Person Back In Personal

So it looks like it’s about that time where I’m going to have to start interviewing for jobs again.

Which holds so many levels of personal terror, that I can’t even.

It brings up all of my insecurities.  It triggers my survival mode which then commences the “worst possible scenarios” loop sequence in my mind’s eye over and over.  I start living in my own personal theater of hell.

I try to push through it with things like . . . well like breathing for starters.

But this morning when I got up to start writing in my journal, I found that I was absolutely tired of living in this fear surrounding this area of my life.  And the only way I know how to truly conquer a fear of mine, is to face it head on with eyes wide open.

I get in it’s personal space and I stare it straight in the eyeball.

So while writing I asked myself why?  Why is this scaring me to death?  Why does it always scare me to death?  Why do I avoid really seeing and understanding this whole area of my life?

{Staring at it.}

The great thing about truly being done with your own bullshit, is that your questions become more direct and clear . . . and so do your answers.

I hate the whole process (job hunting) from start to finish, because I have no clarity or understanding about my own skills.  I have no clarity in my own skills because my entire career has been built from approaching jobs in a “I just need a job to survive and support my family” kind of way, and then I make myself find reasons to love the jobs I receive so that I excel at them and so that I can continue to support my family.

My focus has always been on what was easily apparent and noticeable about my skillset or previous jobs, that would be enticing to other companies.  Basically, “What do you want to hear?”  Because I *know* I can do whatever job I get.  All I’m trying to do is find ways to help the prospective employer understand that as well.

So I never actually dove into my own personal interests.  I never took time to understand for myself what things I’m actually good at or what it is that I really want to be doing or focusing on in my career.  It never occurred to me that maybe I’ve gathered enough skills and knowledge in the last twenty years or so, that this is now an option.

This old perception, which began when I was a teenager, has always left me feeling powerless and at the mercy of others.  I was always grateful for whatever I got.  I always worked myself to death to prove they had made a good decision in choosing me.  It’s truly an awful feeling and not the best perspective to live life from.  I mean, I’m good while I have a job . . . but start threatening my job and I become a frozen statue of terror.

Like I said last week, it feels like it’s time for a change.

For me personally, what makes me feel confident and open, is knowledge.  Information.  Why does this whole area of my life scare me?  Because I do not understand myself in that capacity or in relation to others.  I do not truly comprehend or see what skills or value I bring to the table of life.  If I don’t have this information and I do not understand it, then 1) how can I effectively communicate it to a prospective employer and 2) how do I know what direction I want to go in my career personally?

Hence.  The TERROR.  AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

But now I see the issue.  And now I can see the solution.  And now I can see the backside of TERROR as it turns tail to start running from me.

So I grabbed one of my blank dream journals and made it my notebook in which I will use to focus my efforts in this endeavor.  I am going to start combing through my work experience, starting with my current job, and I’m going to start writing down what I can come up with.

But that’s not the whole problem, and in fact . . . that is a very small part of the problem for me.  The key thing missing from my understanding is “in relation to others”.  I do not understand how I compare or how I stand out as an individual from the rest of the 7 billion people.  So, I’m not just going to rely on myself for my quest.  I’m going to get out there and start asking *you* guys.

So heads up if you’re in my other networks. 😀 And don’t avoid me either.  I’m tenacious. Oh! {writes that down in notebook}

Now, when I say that I am going to be asking others.  I don’t mean I’m asking for them to tell me FOR me what I’m good at or what my skills are.  I’m not trying to be lazy about it.  I plan on coming up with my own perspective.  But what is incredibly valuable to me that I can’t get from myself, is how other’s experience me personally.

To clarify further (pay attention, this will be on the test), while interacting with me (job, Starbucks’s line, comments section) what do *you* personally feel or experience with me that stands out for you in your mind.  The key point being, what is your own personal experience.

Not how would you word *me* in your resume, or let’s think about what I *think*  Jenn values and focus my comment around that.  No . . . I mean, in your own self, in your own world separate from the opinions of the planet and the channel 9 news team . . . what about me, stood out for you personally that you appreciated?

Jenn, wtf does that even mean?  And omg are you trying to tell me how to give you feedback?  Why should I even give it in the first place?  What’s in it for me?  Acting like I owe you or something.  Shoot.  Homegirl be trippin.

I know! I know!

I’m always trippin.  It’s cool.  It’s how I move through life.

This is valuable to me, because it’s the only way I am personally able to understand how I stand out from the rest of the world.

And truth be told, I feel like the ability to connect at a personal level has become lost to our world.  More and more I feel people no longer understand what that actually means.  We don’t talk to people anymore, we talk at them.  We walk around with our guards up 24/7 to the point that even we ourselves no longer know how we personally feel about things anymore.

We are losing who we are as individuals in the process.

Personal feelings, perspectives, and experiences are valuable to everyone.  But from the moment we are born, we are told how to feel and see everything, based on other’s perspectives and experiences.  In school we are taught how to see the world from the perspective of some vague “them”.  We’re told that to get along in life, you better have the perspective of your employer.

At no point are we encouraged to understand who we are as an individual or guided to understanding how to best incorporate that gift we bring into the whole so that we may all benefit from it.

No . . . we insist on perpetuating the dysfunction for everyone FOREVER, because fuck the individual.

This approach and attitude, is killing humanity’s spirit as a whole.  We are all dying from it.  I don’t want to die from that.  I want to die from too much happy or by rainbow or something.  I don’t know, but I don’t want to die because of *this*.

I want to understand my gift as an individual and I want to find the best way to incorporate that into the current structure so that as many can benefit from what I have to offer as possible.

So . . . I have to start somewhere, and this is where I’ve decided to start it.

Okay wait, first I have to go pee, and then I’ll start.

 resume cat

When You Can Love Through Your Fear

The people I surround myself with in life, whether they are coworkers, (online) friends, acquaintances, family . . . are some of the most loving people I have ever met.

I’ve found that the most loving people, are often the most creative people I’ve ever met.  They amaze me.

I’ve found that the most creative people, are often the most sensitive people I’ve ever met.

And I’ve found that the most sensitive people . . . are often the most defensive and tend to easily close off from others or shut down on themselves.

I’ve found that closed off people, often feel misunderstood by outsiders.

I’ve found that people who feel misunderstood, often feel alone and isolated in the world.

I’ve found that the ones who feel alone and isolated, often feel a great deal of fear and insecurity.

So I’ve come to understand . . .

That the most loving people . . . are quite often the ones who feel the most alone and heartbroken about the world in which they live, and are quite often the ones who feel the most fearful and insecure.

The lovers, the dreamers, . . . the candlestick makers.

: P

Something else all of these people have in common, is getting in their own way.

Because they are some of the most creative people, they are able to come up with the most creative reasons and excuses for why they can’t do something.  All of them sound totally legit.  Totally understandable.

I’m going to shift gears here for a moment (<– look at me being all considerate and warning you).

In my own personal experiences, when a person is being closed or defensive, in that moment:

  1. They are not usually able to recognize that they are being closed or defensive.
  2. They’re unable to exercise discernment.

How this may appear in a real life situation is by denial (“I’m NOT being defensive!” or “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” or “I don’t know.”) and everything can become a black and white issue.

When you are in defense mode, you are in “prove it” mode.  This leads to using mind/logic/rational only.  Why?  Because what do you think you’re defending?  What are you protecting?

Your heart, your inner core feelers.

If your guard has gone up, you’ve put a wall between the situation and your heart (who you are at your core), in order to protect the most sensitive part of you.

(Btw, in an emergency, where you need to think with a clear head and not your feelers, this separation between head and heart occurs . . . so it’s basically a survival instinct gone amuck.  Doesn’t matter if it’s a fear of being eaten by a bear or if it’s a fear of falling in love . . . the body’s all like NOPE.)

That means your heart doesn’t get to weigh in and practice discernment regarding the truth of the situation or what you TRULY feel about it.  You’re basically running blind.

It’s the areas of your life that you tend to launch into sheer logic/rational about because it’s where/when you tend to close the iron fortress doors in order to protect your heart (and you . . . because this is the part of yourself that you identify with the most).

Are you not doing something because you are afraid of doing it, or are you not doing something because it’s not “time” for it to happen, or are you not doing something because it’s not meant to happen?

When you approach a situation with a closed/defensive stance (and there isn’t a single person who can exclude themselves from this category), you can’t tell the difference.  You need to also be connected to your feelers, your heart, your core self in order to be able to distinguish the way or decision meant for YOU specifically in any given moment.

When you don’t connect to your own feelings and take responsibility for them (whether protecting them, speaking up for them, owning them, acting on them, showing them, sharing them, etc.), then the choices you make in life become based on things that do not support and nurture your heart . . . they only support the mind.  And that is a very cold and unsatisfying life.  Nothing material will ever, ever fill that void.

So back to the peeps in my life.  I love you guys . . . like a LOT.  But you make the most insane and elaborate excuses for why you aren’t happy or why things aren’t working out for you.  It’s ALWAYS something.  Always, always, always something.  I’ve heard (and used) every single imaginable excuse in the existence of all existences.

But that’s all it is . . . an excuse.  An excuse to not challenge or face your fears.  You’re afraid.  That’s all it is.  There aren’t any real obstacles in your way, except you and your fears having tea time.

So what if the worst possible outcome happens?  So what if it doesn’t look or turn out how you thought?

I’ll tell you a little something.  When you do whatever you’re doing with a fully open heart . . . none of that matters.  It doesn’t matter even a single teeny, tiny bit.  It’s all wonderful, it’s all magical, it’s all an adventure that you GET to experience in this existence that we call life.

When you can genuinely smile and giggle, even through your tears and heartbreak . . .

That’s when you’ll know that you’re living with an open heart.

 dog spoon lobster

 

If You Think Your Poop Don’t Stink, Then You Can GTFO

It’s important for me to interact with others.  It’s from interacting with others, that I am able to see myself more clearly.

However for that to be effective, it requires a couple of things.

The person needs to have a certain amount of self awareness.  They need to have a working knowledge of who they are distinct and separate from the others around them. (<–why did I word that like a job description?  I am so weird.)

The person also needs to have a certain amount of openness and trust of others so that they aren’t so closed up and defensive about every little thing that comes out of someone else’s mouth (especially before attempting to understand what was actually meant by the person).

These things are important to me for many reasons.

I am effectively blind to myself.  I need feedback and reflections from others regarding what they see when they interact with me.  I know I have a 1st house full of Self.  But I also have very few aspects to that house from the rest of my chart, so it’s kind of an island out on its own.  I also have an asteroid (and if I have the time I’ll look up which oddball asteroid it is) in my 1st house, that basically describes just that . . . I can’t see me.  I don’t just have blind spots . . . I am completely invisible to myself.  I require the assistance of others to help me see me.

So . . . when I was younger, whenever someone said something to me about me I believed it.  I tried it on for size to see how it fits.  It gave me something to work with, where as before I had nothing.  Eventually I would find all of the ins and outs of what I was told, as well as how much was true for me and how much was actually true for the other person.

My initial motive and interest with others in life, was for no other reason than to *see* myself.  Not in being better than others.  Not in being less than others.  Not in having power over others.  Not for the million reasons that have been projected onto me for why I am like I am or why I do what I do.  In the past, I have been the scapegoat and evil villain in many stories . . . and I did believe them to be true (for the reasons others gave) because I had not been shown that I was anything other than that.

I feel like I have lived life a little inside out from others.  Like I backed into life upside down and inside out.

My 7th house has Uranus in Scorpio and Pluto conjunct the descendant in Libra.  The others in my life, were not very open and honest about what was really going on.  They were completely focused on looking good for others, not in being honest, open, and real.  So these are the people I looked to growing up, in order to understand who I was.  I was very reliant in feedback from them to know myself.  I did not know that they weren’t being open and honest with me.  I didn’t understand that sometimes things are said out of fear or anger and aren’t necessarily true.

So, if in a fit of rage someone were to direct it at me and say, “You are so fucking stupid!”  . . . I fell apart inside, because I was wide open and accepted everything as truth.  The naiveté of Aries.  It went straight to my core, it became my identity.  I couldn’t readily undo it.  I might walk around for months hearing that yelled in my head and feeling crushed because I was such a disappointment.

Now is that the fault of the person who did it?  Not really.  I mean, yeah it’s a pretty crappy thing to yell at a kid . . . but the missed opportunity in that moment when I was younger, was in it being explained to me that the yelling had everything to do with what was going on inside that person and was their thing to own and understand.  And that my response to what they had done, had to do with something going on inside of me that would be valuable for me to learn more about . . . to become aware of and understand for myself.

The person yelling, cannot be held solely responsible for how everyone else responds to them.  How can that one person keep in their head how every single individual is that they come in contact with (including ones they haven’t even met before), and adjust (hide, restrict, suppress) themselves accordingly in order to not offend or hurt anyone?  That’s absolutely insane.  And yet that’s exactly what most of us are taught to do.  (Is there any wonder that projection runs rampant in modern day society?)

But back to me.  (<– yep . . . I am the center of my universe.  Where else should I be . . . the center of your universe?  That’s silly.  That’s where you’re supposed to be.)

So anyways, growing up consisted of everyone throwing their shit at me.  From a very young age, I was first made aware of my dark side.   I grew up in a constant state of fighting to come to peace inside with the fact that I was the devil incarnate.  Not in a defensive way . . . but in the way that innocent children do all things, openly and with their whole heart.

Some people grow up thinking they’re the bees knees and that their shit don’t stink, and later in life have to come to terms with facing the stinkiness of their shit.  Whereas, I grew up thinking only my shit stinks, and everyone else’s was roses.

I *think* my soul knew what it was doing when it chose this life, but the jury in my head is still out on that.

So I get my dark side.  I get other people’s dark side.  Btw, this isn’t a challenge from me to you.  I’m not interested in proving this to anyone.  It’s exhausting and it has become boring.

However in order for me to become balanced and whole, my challenge is to now come to peace with the lighter side in me.  I rarely have that reflected back to me because I need to change how I interact with others in order to stop inviting the people into my life who refuse to acknowledge their OWN dark side and shadows, but are happy to continually point out mine.

It has been incredibly helpful to me for others to reflect my dark back to me so that I’m aware of that part of me, but I’m quite done with it.  I get it.  I’m TOO aware of it.

Being around more self-aware people means that they are less likely to try to project and make me own their own demons.  I’m not expecting perfection, not by any means, but if the other person doesn’t have enough awareness, then I become battle weary in trying to deflect incoming demons being lodged at me from behind their wall of “NOT MINE EVER!”

I need the person to be open and trusting.  Not wide open and over trusting . . . but coupled with enough awareness in order to be able to discern for themselves whether an issue is truly their own.  They need to be open to seeing their own darkness (and furreals . . . not in a distant objective detached philosophical sort of way).  Not blindly accept it, but not blindly deny it.

At the very least, be capable of having an honest discussion in order to further distinguish and understand for both of our sakes.  There are instances where something new happens in an interaction, and I honestly don’t know whose “thing” it is.  If it’s mine, I want to know.  I want to be able to own it.  If it’s not mine, I want to know.  I don’t want to own something that isn’t mine.  It’s not about winning/losing for me.  It’s about truth, openness, and honesty.  Because nothing feels better to me in the whole wide world than to be me . . . all of me . . . the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I just want the goddamn truth.

Much of this is has to do with my Neptune/Moon conjunction in Sagittarius.  I feel comfortable and at home when Truth is being spoken.  I feel safe and okay to be open (intimacy . . . moon in 8th house), when there is Truth between me and another.  It is no surprise to me that I find so little comfort in this world . . . there is so little Truth being spoken.  So many are hiding from themselves and each other.  It also relates to my Gemini Sun conjunct Jupiter in my 2nd house.  I feel secure when I understand.  I don’t want to judge and rule people for Christ’s sake . . . I just don’t feel safe at all when I don’t understand what is really going on.

Not only that, but regarding Gemini Sun/Jupiter conjunction . . . that is a lot of damn light(ness) going on.  But where is it?  {Looks around innocently with hands up in question}  Where’d it go?  Where is the fun, silly, light-hearted part of me?  Well . . . that’s my current quest.  I’ve lived a life thinking I’m only Pluto . . . that I’m only my shadow.  I’m now more interested and motivated to explore my lighter side.  My fun and laughter side in order to round out my understanding of my shadow.

I’m only now beginning to be able to communicate more effectively to others what it is I’m needing in relationships, because whenever I’ve tried to explain it in the past, it was taken in a completely different way than I meant it.  It took me some time to sort through all of “the requests from me/responses from others” within myself over the years to see how/where/why communication broke down.  (And btw, a shoutout to An Upturned Soul who has been tremendously helpful for me recently with her voicing her own struggles, in helping me become more clear about what it is I’m trying to communicate/say.)

For example, I’m not interested in blind praise.  I think I can thank Saturn in Leo for that.  I’m not looking for someone to puff up my pride.  I don’t need you to tell me I’m pretty or that I’m special or that I’m awesome.  Mostly because I don’t understand what that means or what is meant by that.  Often general statements like that are also projections.

I think you’re pretty {because it’s important to me that I be called pretty, it’s something I value . . . so I’m giving you a compliment by saying you’re pretty.}  Except that’s not a compliment to me.  It doesn’t actually mean anything to me.  So if you wish to say it because you really feel it, then please do.  What I learn about you from that . . . is that you value looking good.  And that’s cool.  I’m actually glad to learn that about you, because it’s something about you that is different from me.  I value *that* understanding more . . . than the fact that you think I’m pretty.

But if you’re only saying I’m pretty because you assume that’s what I value and what I want to hear from you (in order to get on my good side so that you can get something from me), then that is not seeing me.  That’s you seeing me as an extension of you.  I don’t want to be you.  I want to be me.  I want you to be YOU.  I don’t want to be someone else’s illusion . . . I don’t want others to be an illusion to me.  I want TRUTH.  I want REAL.  Not niceness and kindness for the sake of niceness and kindness.  That’s . . . ugh . . . it is so limiting!!!

I am interested in seeing you for who you are and NOT as an extension of myself or to use you in an attempt to validate my own self illusions.

So to wrap this up . . . before my head starts spinning like the exorcist, going forward I’m going to be actively approaching life in a new way so that I’m able to start seeing the lighter and brighter side of me.

This means my response to others will change.  I’m not asking others to change their response to me.  You just do what you do however you want to do it.  But what you get back from me going forward, may be different.  I’m going to make sure I’m all extra awkward and weird about it too.  (<– not really try to be, it will occur naturally)

I will though, be holding others responsible for themselves.  I don’t want to hold other’s garbage for them anymore.  I’m also tired of keeping my mouth shut so that I don’t offend anybody.  I’m totally expecting and accepting that I’m going to piss people off.  I’m going to offend.  People will leave here with their panties in a wad.

Not because that’s my intent or focus, but because that’s a common response when people get stripped bare.  I have been getting stripped bare my entire life.  Don’t think I don’t know how it feels.  That’s ALL I know.  But now, if you come around me, by default you are going to be stripped bare.  That’s all I want in my space.  Openness, honesty, trust.  I need everything to be out in the open.  That’s where I feel safe.  That’s where I feel okay.  You want to be in my space, then that is what you can expect.  It’s your choice to come or go.

Okay . . . not everything . . . for example, I don’t need to know that you like to play with barbies while you sit on the toilet.  I’m open to having a discussion on what I even mean by “everything out in the open”.  If you were being defensive, you may have responded with “I’m not telling that bitch EVERYTHING about me!  Who does she think she is?!?!”  If you were being open you may have responded with “I wonder what she means by that?” and if it was important enough for you to know . . . you’d ask me.

My focus will be on staying true at all times inside and out.  And just because I’m not all sugar and spice and everything nice in my communications, is not so much because I’m evil . . . but because I’m striving towards always being true.  I care more about truth than I do in looking like the good guy. I always have.  That is what is at my center.

So, if you need others to always be nice and kind and sweet with you because you are fragile and sensitive and you think that is what it means to be respectful . . . then you can GTFO.

If you think being passive with me or tip-toeing around me means I’m not going to call you out on your shit when you’re shoveling it . . . you can GTFO.

If you’re more interested in playing the victim your whole life instead of doing something about it, then you can GTFO.

However, if you’re interested in starting to see what is real in life and what is true both in others and yourself, then GTFIH (Get The Fuck In Here).

If you’re interested in learning a new way of being and of being in relation to others, then GTFIH.

If you’re interested in seeing what experiencing life in a fun and warm-filled way is like, then GTFIH . . . and let’s hug it out!

funny-cat-cone-head

What The Lord Of The Underworld Has To Say About The Affairs Of The Heart

I was replying to a comment in another post, and found myself in the mood to talk about it a bunch.  It’s in response to a comment from johnsie4 (aka Janelle) who said:

I’m interested to hear more about Pluto in opposition to Asc, one of my kids has this aspect and I’m interested to learn what that might mean for him.  How does it make you feel?

I’m finding that I’m just in the mood to talk about Pluto in general . . . so I’ll begin with Pluto in opposition to the Ascendant . . . but where it ends up is anyone’s guess.

If astrology is not your *thing*, then this post will be beginning with ways in which hidden (in plain sight) power struggles between me and others play themselves out in my life.

Aries Ascendant/Rising in Opposition (180 degrees) to Pluto in Libra in the 7th House.

Aries Ascendant/Rising in Opposition (180 degrees) to Pluto in Libra in the 7th House.

This is a little busy, but it’s to show the full axis of the 1st and 7th house.  I put Pluto in a heart . . . because he needs love too.  (Huh . . . just noticed transiting mars recently went past my natal Pluto . . . no wonder I’m interested in talking about Pluto LOL).

Anyhoo.  How this has shown up in my life.

I tend to trust people fully as soon as I decide I like someone.  I am completely open and honest with them about everything.  I don’t have a weeding out period where someone has to earn my trust before I start divulging things about myself.  This is really stupid of me, because it lets all kinds of unworthy people into my circle of trust that I should not be letting in there.

Others in my life are evasive about themselves.  It’s like pulling teeth to get anyone to say anything about their personal lives.  They have way more information about me before I have hardly anything on them . . . so that gives them a sort of power over me.  And if they misuse it (and most likely they will because it’s rare to find an enlightened Pluto . . . meaning the stuff they do is subconscious and they can’t even see how they do it.) then my life becomes a living hell.

Also, I’m usually excited to share my relationship with everyone.  “Yay!  Look, this is my boyfriend!”  And every.single.time. for one stupid reason or another . . . I’m some big secret in their lives.

One boyfriend told me AFTER we had been seeing each other for a couple of weeks . . . that “Oh btw . . . I’m an active Muslim.  I can’t be seen with you in public or introduce you to my family, otherwise they will pressure me to marry you.  Is that going to be a problem?”  <— THAT . . . is an example of Pluto on the descendant.  (Btw, because my moon is in Sagittarius (Religions/Faith) in the 8th (Intimacy) . . . that also affects my close relationships.)

Another long-term boyfriend from Belfast, Ireland (More Sagittarius Moon 8th house . . . people from all over the globe) who had moved to my area, didn’t want to tell anyone back home about me because divorce had just become legal over there and he was going through a divorce.  You had to prove one of the approved reasons for getting a divorce in order to get one.  His reason was because of her cheating on him.  So . . . he had to be on his high horse and not let anyone know he was dating anyone before the divorce was final, otherwise how was he any better than her?  (It took about 2 years for a divorce to g0 through.)  So for a WHOLE SUMMER, when his two kids and parents came to visit . . . I couldn’t go see him and had to pretend I didn’t have a boyfriend.

It is ALWAYS something.  And I’m ALWAYS understanding.  But over time, it really . . . really wore down my self esteem because in my own subconscious I was being told by these people that I was someone to be ashamed being seen with.  I wasn’t valuable, I wasn’t wanted.  I ALLOWED them to do that.  So by me not speaking up and saying, “Oh HELL NO!”  I just said, “Oh . . . okay . . . I understand.” and put up with way more than I should have.

The hard part (and this is specific to Pluto in Libra) is that they all seem like perfectly sweet men.  You could analyze them up, down, and sideways and you’d never find anything you could put your finger on and say, “Aha!  There’s your flaw!”  And yet . . . a year or so down the road . . . I’d take a look at myself and find that I had fallen a long way.  Miserable, ill, depressed, lifeless.

Also any time I was in a relationship, I could say goodbye to my friends and family until after the relationship because we got swallowed up in our own little world.  There were often issues of jealousy.  I was a possession to be owned.  My every move was controlled or questioned.  I would become isolated and it would become hard to see a way out of the relationship.  After awhile I’d forget that life had been any other way.  When you feel like you’ve been dropped to the bottom of a very deep well and like the walls are closing in on you and you’re all alone, and like things will never change or get better . . . you are experiencing Pluto.

After the umpteenth time of repeating this “dying” process . . . I finally took a break.  An eight year break.  And decided to figure out WTF was going on with me.  I ripped into my psyche to find what it was about me that was causing me to basically invite the same guy into my life over and over.  I left no stone unturned.  I was brutally honest with myself.  I analyzed every scenario from every perspective until things started to clear in my head and make more sense.

I came up with hypothesizes on why I did certain things and what I could do to potentially change it . . . and tried it out in my own life.  Again in a relentless almost obsessed (Pluto) manner.  Eventually I made it down deep enough in myself to where I found my own inner Pluto.  And when I cracked that bad boy open . . . for the first time ever in my life, I began to make REAL progress in changing myself.  I began to feel a sense of peace I had never felt before.  And forgiveness, because I could see myself in all of my past relationships.  And I saw how it’s really us that keeps ourselves prisoner with our own judgments (Libra).

Pluto on the Descendant (or opposition to the Asc), means that relationships will be where your transformation takes place.  It’s through relationships that you’ll experience the death and rebirth of the Phoenix.  It means that eventually . . . if you decide to face your own inner Pluto . . . you will come out of the other end understanding human relations inside and out.  The what, when, where, why, and how of relationships.  You will understand the affairs of the heart.