Aries For Life

I’ve had to use great control in the last couple of days to not come here and completely delete my whole site.  Or go start a new site with a completely anonymous name and not tell a single soul about it, just for the sheer pleasure of getting to write “publicly” whatever I wanted.  I still might do that.

But then I read a couple of my old blog posts and started to feel inspiration flitter back into me.  {Why thank you Jenn . . . you’re most welcome Jenn}

I looked back in my comments history to when other bloggers linked to my posts from their own sites and the things they said about my site and I thought . . . (well, one was a bastard and threw me under the bus to make themselves look good to a bunch in a discussion board, so eff them) but I thought, maybe . . . maybe I’m not done here.

I’ve worked so hard over the years to even be capable of writing on a blog without hyperventilating and fainting, and yes I’m frustrated that I am still too scared to really *really* express myself . . . but I’m not ready to throw in the towel just yet.

And really (and this is truly in Jenn Fashion) before I go and do something dramatic like delete my whole site and all of the writing I’ve done here over the years, how about first I just go for it and go down in a flame of glory?  What do I have to lose at this point?  If I made a complete disaster of it, then <boom> delete the site.

Do you know that that is how I convinced myself to not try taking my life when I was a teenager?  I was absolutely at wits end.  It wasn’t typical spoiled teenager teen angst.  There was some truly, truly shitty things going on in my life at the time, which I can now say with confidence and the perspective of someone who has been off gallivanting in adulthood for a good many years.  I was in very dire circumstances and had been for awhile and I had absolutely nobody to turn to or who I could trust.  I had no out, and I couldn’t stand the feeling in my body anymore.

I started to let go of trying to make it in this life.  I let myself give up.  I let go of the feeling of guilt, of feeling like a disappointment, of being a burden.  And I started to settle into a feeling of deep peace as I contemplated the ways in which to *delete* my existence.  It felt like such a relief, that feeling of relaxation in my body, that I was momentarily able to feel through and around my pain.

I remember vividly the very moment it happened.  I was laying there in the dark in my bed and staring out my window, and I thought . . . “but wait . . . Jenn . . . you’re still a virgin.  You don’t want to die before you get to try sex, I mean c’mon!  You have to at least give that a try.  THEN, if everything still feels this shitty, then you can kill yourself.”

That became my new game in life.  Anytime I am in a situation that I have no control over and I start feeling like I want to die, I think of something that I haven’t tried yet that I would really like to give a go before I left this planet, and I make it my mission to do that thing before I check out.  Because why not?  What do I have to lose?  If I were going to end it anyways, what does it matter if I took a risk or chance in doing something that I’m so scared of?

This is one of my secrets to how I find my will to live over and over again.  I reach a point of being ready to let it all go . . . all of it . . . I’m willing to surrender absolutely everything in my life . . . but I pause long enough to feel out what I would miss most once I was on the other side or what I would be pissed about when I was back in soul form and no longer in a physical body and being able to run and laugh and play while on this Earth plane . . . and always . . . always something comes surging through and then with kiddy-like glee I go racing off to my next mission and challenge to take this life by the horns and ride it all the way through to the end.

 like-a-boss

 

 

 

 

Go Know Life, Go Know Love

Yesterday I wrote how I had to grow enough as a person just to have the experience and strength needed to begin healing childhood hurts.  It seems that was a foretelling of what was going to begin emerging today.

The last few days in the Pacific Northwest have been absolutely beautiful.  I couldn’t ask for more perfect weather.  It’s been so over the top gorgeous, it has been softening my temperament (which is by default high-strung).  And with current planetary transits . . . omg, there is so much love and feel-goods coming through too.

I haven’t felt so great health-wise the last couple of years, and I definitely haven’t felt much like myself.  It’s all inter-related to a relationship with a man I was engaged to for a short time 3 years ago.  It began with such a whirlwind of magic and a mountain of impossible coincidences that were threaded throughout both of our lives.  All of the pieces of our individual puzzles matched up perfectly to form the most beautiful big picture I had ever witnessed with my 3rd eye.

I hope he forgives me for speaking of it so openly.  He still comes here even though we no longer speak.  I mean no disrespect.

When we met, my heart and mind were alight with possibilities and dreams of our future life together.  Things that we dreamt of together.  When we met, I was in the best place emotionally that I had ever been in my life.  Just prior to our meeting, I had finally reached wholeness within.  Peace.  My world was aglow.  I was in the process of learning how to sustain it indefinitely.  I was in it more than not.

It made perfect sense and came as a natural flow into my life just like everything else was at that time.  I was not in need of a relationship, I did not seek it, but there it was.  I thought, finally, I will get this right.  I will get to know what it feels like to have a healthy relationship, not one based on co-dependency.  I thought my ship had arrived.  I had taken a 7 year break from relationships to understand who I was outside of one.  (Strangely the same period between the two Venus eclipses that are 7 years apart and won’t repeat in our lifetime.)

The planets were literally aligned for us.

Despite endless heartbreaks from relationships earlier in my life, I was ready to give love another chance.  Me and my warrior heart.  I was so convinced of us, I went all in.

My faith and belief in the magic of us carried me through the next three years.  In hindsight, I can see that things were showing signs of not being okay before the end of the first year we had met.  We had initially spoke of making immediate plans to come together.  He lives in The Netherlands, and of course moving to another country takes some time and planning.  So when things didn’t immediately happen, I was patient.  I went over there three times the first year we were together.  We skyped every weekend and even weekdays.

My friends excitedly kept asking for updates on the progress of our plans, and at first it was easy to explain.  “Oh, there’s so much paperwork for marrying a US Citizen and precautions that it’s taking a bit of time.”  “Well he has his finances and real estate he has to take care of over there first.”

But a point came where I heard myself repeating these excuses and I could feel how it was hurting my feelings.  After 6 months it was too humiliating to give any excuses, especially when absolutely zero progress of any kind had been made, and so I found myself just looking down and quietly saying, “I don’t know.”

We broke up in November 2013.  But no matter how much I tried, I couldn’t forget him.  We began speaking again in March 2014.  Regardless of our intentions, things never progressed further for us.  It wasn’t from a lack of trying.  Then one day, I found I had nothing left to say.  I guess neither did he because he didn’t respond.  After years of daily correspondence, two weeks of silence passed between us.  When he finally did send me a short friendly note, I had retreated too far inside of myself to respond.  That was the last of our communication.

I’ve been struggling with it, but mostly I have been focused on trying to regain my health.  Also, I don’t have anyone in my life to talk to about it.  I have friends, but nobody I’m close to.  Nobody that I feel comfortable talking to about things that make me cry.  So my struggle is in part, not knowing what to do with these feelings in me.

Which brings me to this afternoon.  This beautiful, warm, sunny, breezy day.  As I opened my heart to welcome in the warmth and sun, I felt a realization seep into me like a leak in the roof, one drop at a time.

I’m reaching a point of strength within myself to be able to handle the heartbreak I feel inside, that I can trace back to 2012 when something deep inside of me already knew that he had checked out of the relationship.  I wasn’t ready to let go of those beautiful visions I had been flooded with when we first came together.  I had gone all in.  How could I possibly admit defeat before the year had even closed out?  That I could feel that he had lost interest and was just going along with the motions.  When a man is really in love with a woman, he will move heaven and earth for her.  He wasn’t a man in love, and I couldn’t face it.

He is a loving man.  He is a caring man.  But a person can’t make themselves feel something they don’t, and there’s no shame in that.

If I had been more brave and honest within myself, I would have set him free the moment I realized it, but I couldn’t do it.  I have to set that right.

I want him to know love.  I want him to find a woman that makes him weak in the knees and who makes him forget that he ever knew heartbreak or suffering.  I want him to make mistakes and take risks.  I want him to find a woman that makes him smile and makes him happy to be alive.  I want him to find a woman who can actually get him angry and ruffle his feathers, because it’s good for his soul.  I want him to find a woman he can go on adventures with and who brings out the little boy in him.  And when he finds her, I hope he has the courage to marry her.  I hope that whoever she is, she is loved by his mom, dad, and brother because I know how important they are in his life.

heart says to let go

Hello?

Loneliness is a strange thing in my mind.  It’s not always obvious to me when I’m experiencing it.  It’s not always obvious to me when I’m trying to hide from it.  It’s not always obvious to me whether it is me that is lonely because of cutting off from everyone else, or whether everyone else is cut off from me.

As I speak, where Venus (What we love) is currently located in the sky (Taurus 3 degrees) is the same degree that my natal Chiron (Wounded Healer or Deepest Wound) is located.  Even when a planet as lovely as Venus comes near something that owie in our chart, it is going to hurt.  I don’t relish when any contact is made with this degree on my chart . . . but I also learned not to run from it.  At least with Venus, it helps soften it enough for me to summon my courage to keep my eyes open as I look at it, even as I’m saying “owie owie owie owie owie” through my tears.

Because I do want to see it.  Even if it’s gross and gory with broken bones poking out of the skin, and makes me wanna throw up.  How else can I take action to make it better if I don’t know what I’m dealing with?  Either way it’s going to hurt, but at least this way I have a chance of some day being free of it.

While in most cases I don’t have any problems going where angels fear to tread, Chiron is one area of my life that I pretty much have to be tricked into facing.  “Oh look Jenn, what’s that over there?  Is that cake?  That’s definitely cake.  You should go check it out.”  Otherwise it’s a whole bunch of nope.

Nope Finger

 This is in my 1st house of self, so it’s like a linchpin anchored into the core of my psyche.  It’s also conjunct (right next to) my natal Mars & Venus which are very personal planets.  Well, and them both being in Aries, you can’t get anymore personal than that.  So inevitably, to get to my personal Self, I have to navigate the ninja land mind that is Chiron within me.

Chiron in mythology was an immortal and revered centaur who was a great healer and founded the ‘school of heroes’ in which many greats were trained.  One day he was accidentally shot with a poisoned arrow (one of Hercules) and despite his extraordinary healing abilities, was unable to heal the wound.  He was in incredible pain, but because he was immortal he was unable to die.  He had to learn how to come to peace with it.

One day he comes across Prometheus who is going through his own miserable existence from having stolen fire from the gods and was being punished by being chained to a rock and every day having his liver eaten by an Eagle and every night growing a new liver.  (I have to hand it to the gods for coming up with some pretty gnarly and yet creative punishments.)

Because of Chiron’s own personal experience of dealing with an agonizing situation of his own, he felt compassion for Prometheus’s situation.  He couldn’t heal himself, but he could help Prometheus and in doing so . . . he *did* help his own pain.  Chiron offered to give up his immortality to Prometheus which would free him.  Prometheus became immortal and broke free from the rock he was chained to, and Chiron dropped dead.  It was a win/win.

Actually, Chiron was given a place in heaven as a constellation for his great sacrifice and is now all sparkly and magical.

I have to tell you though, I’m less than thrilled about this being in my first house of Self.  It’s not in my house of Other where I come across others that are wounded in life.  It’s not in my house of Humanity or large groups of people that were wronged in history.  It’s not this thing that I encounter outside of me where I can see it and look at it objectively and figure out how to help from the comfort of my own skin.  It is this *thing* that has always been present with me since birth.  And I can’t be who I really am unless I walk smack straight into this pain and just stand my ground within, until I am strong enough to be able to bear it without passing out.

It’s like trying to get emotionally strong enough to be capable of performing open heart surgery on yourself.  You obviously have to stay conscious and fully present the whole time along with great discipline and endurance to stomach some raw gory shit.

There’s a point where you have endured so much pain for so long with no let up or relief, that something else starts to take you over.  Something that transcends normal everyday existence.  It’s too much to hold onto and live with, and so your choices become to either die or to let go of things that really do not matter.

I think it’s also important to understand that this pain I live with, I was born with.  My mom said I suffered night terrors from birth.  I remember having dreams that were so real and lucid that I was traumatized by them over and over.  One dream I remember when I was six, was of being a girl of about the same age in a house that was on fire and the smoke and flames were getting into my room.  I was trying to get out but the doors and walls were too hot.  I was trapped and forced to my bed where I started to lose consciousness from not being able to breathe.

I became fully lucid during that dream which felt as real as real life, but I could also feel my current six year old body thrashing on my real bed and me screaming at myself to please wake up and even scratching at my eyes trying to force them open so that I could end the nightmare.

I have never really been able to talk about this ever present pain in me.  There are no words for what I experience inside.  I wish I could.  I want to.  Not for sympathy . . . not for pity.  Not for attention.  It’s this burning need to try and reach anyone else out there that is going through this same pain and have lost their own voices to express this indescribable *thing* that they live with every day and who nobody ever truly hears and who are never allowed to truly speak and who feel alone in life because of it . . . to say that I understand your pain and that you are not alone.

There is one thing that living with this pain does not do, and that is procure a desire to compete with other people about who hurts or suffers more.  My need, my desire to be heard is not one born out of selfishness and need for attention.  It is not to get my way or to excuse my behavior.

You know how sometimes a person will yell out when they’ve cut or hurt themselves unexpectedly before they get control of themselves?  That is the same need in me that pushes me to find a way to express it.  I don’t talk about my stuff to whine, never moving on with my life, I am driven to find words to say it, to share it.  And something about sharing it, heals something in me.  When it reaches someone who knows this same pain, it has the ability to help heal something in them too.

In fact, if I go too long not actively working on this and doing this, the pain becomes crippling in me to the point that I can barely function and then I have to start all over again to get back to the same point I was at before.  Just like Chiron where he was in pain but couldn’t heal it for good, but he also couldn’t die.  I have no choice but to deal with it in the manner that it needs to be dealt with.

If I had to put a name to what it is that pains me right here and right now, I would say that it is the same as the night terrors I had when I was a child where I am conscious and lucid both in the sleep state and in the awake state.

I am aware of my soul Awake state at the same time that I am aware of my sleep human state and my soul Awake state is thrashing around trying to wake up from this night terror that we are all living in and think is real.  It’s not.  This is exactly like a bad dream.  You have to shake yourself awake, it’s time to wake up!

Please remember who you really are.  Please remember your soul and who you were before you were born here and lost all of your memories.  Please shake off the amnesia.  Please become present and come more fully into your body.  Please drop all of the petty and trivial shit now and remember yourselves!

I don’t want to be alone in this anymore.  I need for you guys to start showing up.  Where are you?  Are you out there?  Anybody?

 

The Moment Of Surrender

Years ago I had a very lucid dream where I had walked into a large room that looked very much like a classroom, but without the desks and chairs.  Some sort of special training appeared to be taking place.  The two people in charge approached me.

I don’t remember what they said exactly, but something along the lines of an audition taking place.  It was a special VIP invite only.  The best of the best had been gathered into this room.  The best of what?  Auditioning for what?  I have no idea.  But the looks I received from the instructors told me that they were thinking exactly what I felt.  “What are you doing here?”

I looked at the group of phenomenal people who were currently gathered in the middle of the room showing off their obvious talents.  Things were being fired at them.  Lasers, orbs, things I couldn’t identify.  Stuff whizzing throughout the center of the room.  Some were good at using weaponry they wielded, some had the ability to move fast, some used martial art-like moves to deflect and protect themselves.

The information that came to me about the situation, was that these people had been training hard since childhood.  This was something they had been dreaming of and working towards every moment of their life.

What on earth was I doing here?  I didn’t belong here.  The instructors asked me what my special ability was, and I just shook my head and told them I had no idea.  That there must have been some mistake.  I was starting to feel a little humiliated and embarrassed to be there.

The woman instructor did some sort of energetic scan of me to see if she could assess what stood out in me, but wasn’t able to hide her own disappointment when she found that no, nothing special stood out in me . . . confirming my own worst fears.  I got the impression that the only reason I was even there was because of who my dad was (in the dream).  My dad was apparently someone who held a great deal of respect and importance.  So I was feeling like *that* person.  The one who wasn’t there on their own merit.

I continued to watch and observe the others.  They were amazing.  I knew for sure I didn’t belong and with that acceptance in me I was able to let go of even trying to prove myself.  I would stay because I had been instructed to come here by some authority figure that I respected and trusted completely and wouldn’t even dream about disobeying, but I wasn’t going to try and pretend to be someone or something I wasn’t.

It felt good to accept the reality of my situation in which I found myself instead of panicking and trying to force something to happen.  I found myself smiling at them.  Appreciating the hard work and dedication they had put into getting themselves to this level.  I admired them.  I respected them for the hard path they had chosen.  Their dedication.  Their spirit.  I looked forward to discovering my special ability so that I could work hard like them and maybe one day truly deserve to be here.

I thought perhaps that was the true reason I had been sent there in the first place.  Maybe an exercise in humbleness.  The understanding that you have to work hard to get what you want.  And I was okay with that.  I was okay with that being my lesson to learn from all of this if that’s what truly held me back in my growth.

With that feeling I closed my eyes, feeling a wave of peace and calm wash over me.

In that peace, I also felt love and joy.  I was happy with this lesson.  I was happy in my acceptance of what was, instead of what I wished it to be.  Maybe today wasn’t my day to shine, but one day it would be.

I became centered in myself.  The world outside of me became quiet.  The joy and peace that I felt inside began to grow and well up from deep within me.  With it, I felt music.  I felt a song.  I felt the vibration of my soul song.  It demanded that I express it in dance.

Eyes still closed, my heart open and at peace, I began to move.  I swirled on tiptoe, my arms spiraling out around me.  My body and the living music humming through me, moved as one.  Up on one foot, pause, and then swirl both arms to the right . . . and then to the left.  Right arm out and around and then behind me.

Every movement surrendered completely to the love and joy I felt moving through me in the most divine song.  My current situation totally forgotten.

Until I opened my eyes and found myself square in the middle of the firefight, completely untouched and unharmed.

Then a flash moment of, “OH SHIT! WTF am I doing?!”, while also catching the completely shocked faces of the instructors that I’m sure mirrored my own.  The woman instructor quickly pulled herself together and then yelled at me to keep doing whatever I had just been doing . . . because whatever it was . . . it was my special ability.

So I quickly closed my eyes to the chaos and danger all around me, willing the absolute terror I had started to feel away, and called back again the music inside and danced.  But now I was also aware of what was going on around me.  I could see with my mind’s eye, how every movement I made naturally moved me out of harms way.  Every twirl, every pause, every extension and sway kept all of my body in the safe spaces for that moment in time.

If I were to doubt, resist, question my movement at all . . . I would be hit.  But when I fully trusted in the music in me and let go of worrying or being afraid of what was happening around me, then I was perfectly safe.

I became so overjoyed in learning this about myself, that I truly had no reason to be afraid, that the music in me began to grow even stronger and louder, to the point that I was able to fully open my eyes and give in completely to the joy and ecstasy that it was to be me.

The intensity in me increased until I no longer saw the things being shot at me as my enemy, but as my dance partner in life.  I no longer saw the difference between the dance and the fight, they were one and the same.

Graceful Dance II

Jumping Back Into Life With My Party Of One!

The soundtrack for today’s post:

I Lived by One Republic

I’m currently sitting at the car dealership getting new tires put on my car.  {Transferring money from savings to checking AGAIN for the hundredth time this month.  %^@!*?%  <– can’t put hashtags in my “swear” words anymore . . . it tries to make it a *thing*.

So anyways, on the long ass drive to my appointment this morning I was contemplating my existence (also for the hundredth time this month).  It was more of the “what am I doing?” . . . feeling like I’m missing or not getting something.  That scratch you can’t itch.

Letting stuff float through my mind.  “Nope.  That’s not it.  Nope.  Nope.  Already been down that road thoroughly and nope.”

Sitting in the long line to get onto 520, an energetic dance song came on my shuffled music.  I started bopping to it, my ponytail swishing.  Now, understand that normally, I’m too self conscious to do something like this while stopped in traffic.  I mean I’m *stuck* next to these people for at least 15 minutes . . . it can get awkward.

But something in me is SO tired of everything, that I’ve worn down the strict-disciplined-always-follows-the-rules inner Parent that has always been there to stop me from making a total ass of myself.  My inner child was like “I DO WHAT I WANT! YOU DON’T OWN ME!” and gave into the dance.

I think the key difference for me that separates this from all of my other minor rebellions, is that I truly did not feel subconscious about what I was doing.  I just felt the need to bring the fun and party to where I was.  Right there.  In my car.  Party of one.

And I felt comfortable in my skin with what I was doing.  I smiled.

I felt something start to well up in me.  A new resolve.  It’s time to change.

I’m a motherfluffin Gemini.  Do you know what the ONE thing is that I should have mountains of?  (And that doesn’t even include the effect of *expands everything it touches* Jupiter that is conjunct my sun).

Friends.

Everywhere I go, I should have friends.  Friends coming out of my ears.

But I’ve been sitting around being a pussy about being super sensitive and empathic.  “Oh I need time to myself, I can’t.”  And not to dismiss my own actual needs, yeah I need down time . . . but so what?  So what about that?  Being so guarded and protective of myself, all I’ve managed to do is isolate myself.

I tell myself I don’t want to get involved in drama.  Or maybe I even have a fear that by having friends I’ll create karmic debt and then I’ll never get off this fuckin’ carnival ride.  I don’t know!

But sitting in my car this morning, all I knew was this.  Without friends and personal relationships, life for me is meaningless.  It’s all the people in my life and the interaction with them that makes life worth it for me, and I’ve gone and cut myself off from everyone.

There’s reasons.  I had healing to do, I had to get my own shit together, and all that.  Again, I don’t want to dismiss the process I needed to go through.  But what I do want to acknowledge, is that obviously that time for me is over.  There’s a powerful force inside me that is ready to get out there and get my hands dirty with life.

I want my current friends to know how much they mean to me, and I want to make new friends where ever I go.  I want to turn that party of one into a party of everyone!

So I ninja’d a bunch of my friends this morning.  Texted, left messages in Facebook.  Not all my friends, trying to wade into the pool slowly.  The first response I got back on my phone was “Sweet!  Who is this?”  :/

Actually, it was more like LOL!  Because yes!  That’s exactly it!  I’ve totally disappeared from everyone’s life, so what else could I expect?

I’m giving myself a new challenge in life.  I’m going to learn how to be a friend.  I’m going to learn how to be the first to reach out to others.  I’m going to learn how to be open and invite others to join the party.  I’m going to challenge myself to stop being so self conscious and holding myself back.

In fact, while sitting here in the waiting room and listening to the song from One Republic on my headphones . . . I let myself enjoy music the only way I know how, and that is to dance in one form or another.  I’m the master of seat dancing.  I’m not even thinking anymore “I wonder if they think I’m crazy.”  I’m just thinking, “Yay! Yay! Yay! <tap> <tap> <tap>.”  It makes it feel like the room is coming to life . . . it’s AWESOME.

You know, I’ve *always* wanted life to be more like a musical, where it was acceptable to break out into inspired song and dance.  And who knows . . . maybe I want it to be that way so bad because it has something to do with what I have to offer.

So, if you get some random text or message from someone and you’re trying to figure out who the hell is sending you random hugs and high fives.  Don’t worry, it’s probably just me . . . jumping back into life!

When You Can Love Through Your Fear

The people I surround myself with in life, whether they are coworkers, (online) friends, acquaintances, family . . . are some of the most loving people I have ever met.

I’ve found that the most loving people, are often the most creative people I’ve ever met.  They amaze me.

I’ve found that the most creative people, are often the most sensitive people I’ve ever met.

And I’ve found that the most sensitive people . . . are often the most defensive and tend to easily close off from others or shut down on themselves.

I’ve found that closed off people, often feel misunderstood by outsiders.

I’ve found that people who feel misunderstood, often feel alone and isolated in the world.

I’ve found that the ones who feel alone and isolated, often feel a great deal of fear and insecurity.

So I’ve come to understand . . .

That the most loving people . . . are quite often the ones who feel the most alone and heartbroken about the world in which they live, and are quite often the ones who feel the most fearful and insecure.

The lovers, the dreamers, . . . the candlestick makers.

: P

Something else all of these people have in common, is getting in their own way.

Because they are some of the most creative people, they are able to come up with the most creative reasons and excuses for why they can’t do something.  All of them sound totally legit.  Totally understandable.

I’m going to shift gears here for a moment (<– look at me being all considerate and warning you).

In my own personal experiences, when a person is being closed or defensive, in that moment:

  1. They are not usually able to recognize that they are being closed or defensive.
  2. They’re unable to exercise discernment.

How this may appear in a real life situation is by denial (“I’m NOT being defensive!” or “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” or “I don’t know.”) and everything can become a black and white issue.

When you are in defense mode, you are in “prove it” mode.  This leads to using mind/logic/rational only.  Why?  Because what do you think you’re defending?  What are you protecting?

Your heart, your inner core feelers.

If your guard has gone up, you’ve put a wall between the situation and your heart (who you are at your core), in order to protect the most sensitive part of you.

(Btw, in an emergency, where you need to think with a clear head and not your feelers, this separation between head and heart occurs . . . so it’s basically a survival instinct gone amuck.  Doesn’t matter if it’s a fear of being eaten by a bear or if it’s a fear of falling in love . . . the body’s all like NOPE.)

That means your heart doesn’t get to weigh in and practice discernment regarding the truth of the situation or what you TRULY feel about it.  You’re basically running blind.

It’s the areas of your life that you tend to launch into sheer logic/rational about because it’s where/when you tend to close the iron fortress doors in order to protect your heart (and you . . . because this is the part of yourself that you identify with the most).

Are you not doing something because you are afraid of doing it, or are you not doing something because it’s not “time” for it to happen, or are you not doing something because it’s not meant to happen?

When you approach a situation with a closed/defensive stance (and there isn’t a single person who can exclude themselves from this category), you can’t tell the difference.  You need to also be connected to your feelers, your heart, your core self in order to be able to distinguish the way or decision meant for YOU specifically in any given moment.

When you don’t connect to your own feelings and take responsibility for them (whether protecting them, speaking up for them, owning them, acting on them, showing them, sharing them, etc.), then the choices you make in life become based on things that do not support and nurture your heart . . . they only support the mind.  And that is a very cold and unsatisfying life.  Nothing material will ever, ever fill that void.

So back to the peeps in my life.  I love you guys . . . like a LOT.  But you make the most insane and elaborate excuses for why you aren’t happy or why things aren’t working out for you.  It’s ALWAYS something.  Always, always, always something.  I’ve heard (and used) every single imaginable excuse in the existence of all existences.

But that’s all it is . . . an excuse.  An excuse to not challenge or face your fears.  You’re afraid.  That’s all it is.  There aren’t any real obstacles in your way, except you and your fears having tea time.

So what if the worst possible outcome happens?  So what if it doesn’t look or turn out how you thought?

I’ll tell you a little something.  When you do whatever you’re doing with a fully open heart . . . none of that matters.  It doesn’t matter even a single teeny, tiny bit.  It’s all wonderful, it’s all magical, it’s all an adventure that you GET to experience in this existence that we call life.

When you can genuinely smile and giggle, even through your tears and heartbreak . . .

That’s when you’ll know that you’re living with an open heart.

 dog spoon lobster

 

Take Your Soul Back And Love Again

There exists a black smoke cloud entity invisible to the human eye.  It is able to move in and out of humans at will.  It has an intelligence.

We’re all aware of it at some level, but choose to repress it because it scares us.

It doesn’t have any actual power.  It doesn’t have any creative force or life giving energy of its own.  It’s able to mimic and learn, but not create something new all on its own.

However, it is able to convince you to use your creative energy to get done what it wants.  All it has to do, is play upon your weakness.  It finds your weakness and convinces you that your fears are real and true.  That’s all it needs to do.  That’s all it is able to do . . . is convince you that your fears are true.

Because as soon as a human believes something to be true . . . they use their own creative force and energy to bring it about.  And so it’s nearly as effective as the black smoke cloud entity having its own creative power.

I’m not using metaphors, btw.  This black smoke cloud entity is very real.  It is the actual source of fear.

It’s able to cloak itself . . . mimic you well enough . . . that it’s nearly impossible to distinguish it from your own thoughts.  It’s subtle enough to not set off any alarms that it’s coming from an outside source.

As long as you believe your fears to be true, you become trapped in a jail cell of your own making.  You get stuck in an energetic web of your own creative energy.

The greatest “power” this black smoke cloud entity has, is in its invisibility.  As long as nobody is aware of it, it is able to move through undetected wreaking havoc and maintaining control.

It especially targets those with lots of life force or creative energy.  The more life force, light, love, creative energy you have . . . the more the black smoke cloud entity wants you for its own purposes.

Some of the brightest beings currently here are paralyzed in fear due to this combination of incredible light and a lack of awareness of the black smoke cloud entity.

You can see where in your life this will show up the most in your natal chart, by looking for where Pluto is located and what he touches.  In those areas of your life, is where the black smoke cloud entity will show up the heaviest and therefore create a fear surrounding that area of your chart.

It can come through your loved ones, yourself, events and circumstances.  Anywhere the black smoke cloud entity can move and is allowed to influence, it can manipulate and use.

The black smoke cloud entity is not invincible, however.

It cannot control you once you become aware of it and refuse to play its game.  It will try to scare the living bejeezers out of you with what looks like very real threats . . . but it cannot actually harm you.

It cannot control you when you swallow your pride and take personal responsibility for yourself.  Even if you have a weak moment and it’s able to get through and start scaring you, take personal responsibility for moving back out of fear.  Take personal responsibility to gain strength and push yourself past the fear and out of the clutches of the black smoke cloud entity.

Belief and faith.  Believe in things really being beautiful and loving.  Have faith that the beautiful and loving things in life are real.  If you allow yourself to be a Pollyanna with your whole open heart despite the ugliness that appears to be happening on the outside of this world . . . the black smoke cloud entity loses its hold on you . . . it loses its power over you.

When you have the courage to believe in love and happiness, and to act as if it is true despite your fear . . . it loses its power over you.

When you refuse to believe the reality it would have you believe, it makes you stronger and the black smoke cloud entity weaker.

You can 100% guarantee that whatever it is you are afraid of, is the influence of this entity.  It’s the battle that wages on inside of all of us.  Who we are versus what this black smoke cloud entity wishes us to believe because while we do . . . it’s in control of this world.

When you stop believing that your fears are real . . . when you truly believe in your heart . . . then the black smoke cloud entity is forced to set you free.

Forgiveness.

When you can see that the fear and craziness erupting is more to do with this black smoke cloud entity flowing through the masses trying to snag any weaknesses of the heart and exploiting it to hurt the rest of us and weaken our own hearts . . . then you can start to feel more compassion and forgiveness for what we are all going through right now.

Not everything is as it seems.  Just because someone flies off the handle and kills people, doesn’t mean it was the person themselves.  Their only fault is having a moment of weakness in their faith of their heart.  That’s why it is not for us to judge others and condemn them, because we cannot see what battle they are fighting below the surface.

This unseen fight and battle that the black smoke cloud entity insists on being kept a secret . . . hidden.  He wants us to lash out on each other and accuse and blame each other . . . because it creates even more fear and isolation and division between us . . . and it strengthens the black smoke cloud entity.

Not coincidentally, today, transiting Uranus is in exact opposition to my natal Pluto which is conjunct my descendant.  Uranus is about breaking free.  It’s in the sign of Aries . . . the warrior . . . where my rising sign, Venus, Mars, and South Node all reside.  Aries also rules the head.

It’s my 1st house, house of self.  I’ve been facing this black smoke cloud entity head on my entire life.  I’m able to see it and be aware of it and call it out on its own shit.  It has gone through all of my loved ones in my life trying to get at me.

If they have any weakness, flaws, doubts, fears . . . this black smoke cloud entity jumps on it and wreaks havoc both for the individual I love, as well as for me.  This has been happening since the day I was born.

I have gone through periods in my life of being afraid to let anyone into my life, because I knew the black smoke cloud entity would start its shit.  Two different boyfriends actually woke up in the middle of the night, having a very literal black smoke fog over them and trying to choke the life out of them . . . using their fear of course.

It’s been a battle within me to keep my vision clear . . . to understand that it’s not the individual themselves that are hurting me, but this entity.  It’s been a battle within me to keep my vision of myself clear, and to not believe the things that others think and accuse me of based on their fears that are being played upon.  A battle within to keep my strength up even when others start associating the black smoke cloud entity with me . . . because it always seems to come around when they are around me, and start to fear me as if I’m the source.

And it’s been a battle within me to keep forgiving and remembering what is really going on . . . what the truth of the situation of the world is.  To keep persevering.  To not give up my belief in love and my heart.  To have faith that one day, this black smoke cloud entity will be unmasked and everyone will see for themselves the truth and what has been going on.

“Being alone . . . that’s your thing.”

That’s my weakness . . . my wound that is exploited by the black smoke cloud entity.  My pain and my wound of being alone and the fear of continuing to be alone.  That quote is what was said to me in a dream last fall.  The black smoke cloud entity has no mercy.  It has shredded that fear within me over and over.

In the last week, as the opposition between the current transiting Uranus and my natal Pluto has been getting closer, the black smoke cloud entity has been working overtime.

In one dream that became lucid, a dark black shadow being was right on me.  I could feel it with my physical body in my bedroom.  Trying to scare and intimidate me.  It unnerved me a hair . . . but this has been a really long and intense battle between us . . . and I’m really tired of its shit.

And then one morning as I was waking up I got very clearly the message, “You’re a smart girl, back off.”

It was very distinctly a warning.  One that I just couldn’t seem to get rattled about.  There’s a point where you just don’t care anymore.  I’m tired of fighting.  Threaten and scream all you want, but when you’re just bone-soul weary . . . it’s like, “Oh yeah?  Well, fuck you.”

fuck shit up

Cliff Diving (Okay, Maybe Falling Off Of Cliffs Ungracefully)

I have to call upon so much courage in myself when trying to speak from my heart.

It feels like I’m hanging from a cliff by my fingers, and I’m trying to pull together enough courage to let go . . . one finger at a time.  I become so scared.

Is it going to hurt?

Will I be okay?

But I know it’s my path . . . to learn to speak out loud what is in my heart.

Not what is popular . . . not what is commonly accepted . . . not the influence I feel from others around me . . . but what I and I alone feel separate from the outside world.

I cannot express the terror I feel surrounding this seemingly simple act . . . speaking what I feel inside.

The humiliation I feel.

I have to do it through tears and slow breathing.  It’s like trying to breathe oxygen into a stubborn raisin that insists on folding in on itself.  A trembling raisin.

I do it because I know it’s the only way for me.  I do it because when I’m successful, I once again come alive and see everything for what it is.  I feel myself glow.  I know without a doubt that it’s my calling, even if I don’t know why it’s my calling or what I’m supposed to do with it.  I don’t care why . . . it feels too good to be doing what it feels like I was put here for.

Nothing else matters.

Even knowing that, I continue to hold onto the cliff’s edge with my fingertips.  Crying and pleading with the circumstances . . . wanting to be anywhere but hanging from that cliff.

I hang on because when I start to open my heart and see what’s in there, I become overwhelmed and scared by what I see.  Not because it’s something bad . . . but because it’s something so immense . . . because it’s something new and I don’t know what to do with it.

It doesn’t fit into anything I’ve ever seen really happen in life.  And in that moment when I’m staring straight into it, I know . . . I know I must call upon all of the strength and courage I have inside, because I have to stray from all I’ve ever known and understood about life.

I have to come to peace with letting all of my greatest fears come true as I take my first steps.

Hence the cliff crying (upgraded from floor crying).

The more steps I take, the more confident I am that I’m heading in the right direction . . . and take one more finger off of the cliff’s edge.

I don’t know . . . I guess the hardest thing for me to overcome what I see when I look deep into my heart right now, is that it’s something that I had unknowingly lost a belief in.

It’s like suddenly seeing an honest-to-goodness leprechaun running around your desk.  There’s a moment of shock that a leprechaun even exists before you can start processing what’s happening.

Ironically, I believed in leprechauns more than I believed in what I’m seeing now.

In my heart, I see and feel what can only be True Love.

It’s not like anything I’ve ever heard about or seen.  It redefines all of existence for me.  I’m barely scratching the surface of this monster thing that is appearing inside.

That’s not even the part I’m struggling with.

The part I’m struggling with is the part I didn’t know I didn’t believe in, until I started to see all of this in the last week or so.

{cliff gripping}

I didn’t believe in “soul mates” or “Twin Flames”.  I thought I did, but now if I am honest with myself, I didn’t.  I didn’t really believe there was that one person out there that was a person’s match.  I didn’t believe that there was possibly that one person that was meant for me.

I think I believed in possibilities.  Like a game of odds and chances . . . probabilities of two people matching up and being compatible.  But someone specifically destined or fated?  Another person who is actually another part of your soul?  No, I didn’t believe in that.

I now wonder how long my soul has had to wander alone, for me to have forgotten that it was ever apart of another?  To have reached a point of believing that it was only ever by itself without a pair or mate.  In order to survive . . . to cope . . . to not give up in despair.

I didn’t let myself believe it was true because it terrifies me.  It’s too much for me to dare hope.  At the soul level, I’ve wandered alone a very . . . very . . . very long time.  I’ve searched and searched and searched.  I’ve hoped and hoped and hoped.  But to actually believe it . . . that was too much for me.  That’s not real life . . . that’s some dream or fantasy.

If I were to believe it before I really found my “other” . . . the knowledge alone that I was separated from my other half and not knowing where he was or even if he was okay, would have been enough to literally kill me on the spot.  That’s how deep this pain runs.  My heart would absolutely give out on me.

So I stopped believing in my soul having another half in order to survive.  I believed myself to be independent and solo, not needing anyone else in order to be complete.

But in the spring/summer of 2012 . . . I reached a point of wholeness within myself.  I let go of my fears of being alone and I opened up inside.  Life began to glow for me.  I felt full of light.  When this happened . . . a man appeared in my life.  I knew who he was.  I knew what it meant.  I knew what was happening.  It wasn’t a guessing game for me.  It wasn’t a maybe.  It was 100%.

Fast forward to November of last year, we broke up.

I have no wish to share the details of how that all came about because that’s between me and him, but suffice to say there was a lot of confusion and hurt on both sides for us each to clean up.

I have never, ever gone through something as intense as this in all of my life.

In the hurt and confusion, I closed down and was more in the dark.  I could no longer remember any of the things I knew about us when we first met.

Since then I’ve been fighting and climbing my way out of the abyss that I had fallen down into.  Striving to reach that place of light and knowing that I had reached in 2012.

I’ve started to hit that place again . . . I call it the “Golden World”.  I flicker in and out.  The part that’s been slowing my progress and tripping me up, is the fact that when I open to that world . . . all of the information I knew about us from a couple of years ago, starts to rush back into me.

Except we’ve broken up . . . we don’t speak to each other . . . we’re not even in contact.  I don’t know if we ever will again.

That’s where things start to slide sideways for me.

Because of my subconscious belief that I had no “other”, the knowing of who he was only went skin deep with me.  I hadn’t let it sink all of the way in . . . down to my deep rooted beliefs.  It was very superficial . . . Gemini-like.  I didn’t fully believe with my whole being that he was my partner.  I hadn’t surrendered to the reality of who he is to me.

Because of the wound.  The deep, deep wound of having been separated from him in the first place.  I was scared to let the relationship be true, to be real . . . because the reality was too much for me to handle.  Again my heart . . . I can feel it in my physical heart.  It sometimes stumbles and pounds weird in my chest from the struggle in me regarding me and my ex.

I’ve never had anything close to this happen in my life with another person before.

But there’s nothing I can do about the relationship.  But I don’t want to die . . . I want to live.  So I tried to let him go.  Let him go his own way and live his own life.  Except, I tried to do it by forgetting him, and all that did was keep me closed.  I wasn’t able to recover or heal from the breakup while I did that.

So instead, I decided to open up to what it was I really feeling inside.  Regardless of circumstances beyond my control . . . regardless of how it may appear to the rest of the world . . . what was it that I was feeling, what was it that I was trying to cover-up or hide in myself?

When everything that is false is burned away . . . what is left?

And without fail . . . when I open back up, when I come back to life . . . so does all of my love for him.  So does my memory of him.  I remember him again.  I know he is my one . . . my penguin.  My mate.  My other half.

But instead of falling apart because of our separation and not knowing if we’ll even ever speak again . . . I surrender fully to the knowing and understanding of who he is to my soul . . . and that brings me solace.  It brings me peace . . . because I know he exists.  He’s out there somewhere.  I know his energy signature.  I feel him with me the same as when he was here in person.

Whenever I start to panic about him being so far away physically . . . or the very real possibility that I’ll never hear or see him again . . . I have to shift to a soul perspective.  From there . . . I can feel him . . . I feel joy in my being . . . I feel a love for life again.  I know that things are okay even if they don’t look like it on the outside.

In that way . . . I’m able to let him go.  I’m able to still openly feel my feelings of love for him instead of hide, repress, or pretend like they aren’t there and in doing so having to hide and repress a large part of who I am.  They are there and they will always be there in a very, very big way for me.

Even though I am very skilled in being able to distinguish very subtle changes, shifts, and differences in even the most intricate energy . . . I am unable to distinguish my own heart energy from him and my love for him.  As far as my soul is concerned . . . he *is* my heart.

I am a free spirit . . . and so is my heart.  My heart is free to be and to do whatever he chooses, I will not stand in his way.

As long as I keep surrendering to spirit and have faith in life and that things are as they are meant to be . . . I can stay in a place of love, joy, and happiness regardless of circumstances.

I’ve found my heart . . . it’s not what I expected . . . but I’m very happy to know of its existence.  I’m very happy to know that I can connect to it whenever I want to energetically . . . and for me, that is oftentimes more real than this physical life (especially while Sun is in Pisces and Jupiter in Cancer).

This is still somewhat of a shock to me . . . it’s taking a lot of time to integrate and accept and let it seep deeper into my understanding of reality.  The more it does, the more love and peace I feel for life overall . . . and the more I am able to surrender and allow life to be as it is.  The more confident I am that I am finding my way.  The more things make sense to me again . . . even if they don’t really make sense in a conventional way.

Okay . . . that’s all of the heart sharing I can handle for now.

Quan Yin

Drop That Mad Bass

{head bopping}

{foot tapping}

{head bopping more}

{foot tapping travels up the leg}

{hips start to move}

{shoulders shifting}

Commence full blown chair dancing.

It doesn’t matter if I’m driving . . . if I’m standing at a crosswalk . . . or sitting at my desk at work making Excel spreadsheets my bitch, if a song has gotten into my blood . . . *this* bitch is going to dance.

The crazy part is that I’m actually quite shy.  And also I hate to be seen doing anything silly.  If I’m anything but composed, I go crimson red.

But music . . . oh man . . . music does something to me.

I grew up in a military family, so I don’t really have a single place to call home.  For 5 of those wandering years, I lived in the deep south of the USA.  It was during the 80s when rap and thumping bass started to make it’s arrival onto the music scene.

Booming bass.  O.M.G.

Get a song with good bass and rhythm . . . and it’s just not.possible for me to sit still.  If I do, I’m in an emergency state of sadness and someone needs to perform emergency ridiculous dance moves and force me to join in.

When a good dance song comes on, my body starts to move on its own.  It centers from the center of my hip area and radiates out.  It’s in the deepest part of my bones.  It’s in all of my muscles.  It’s in my blood and runs through my heart.

I played classical flute for 20 years.  I received many medals and recognition for the short time I played in organized music groups.  The feedback I consistently received was my uncanny ability to keep time.  Rhythm.  It would be hard for me to *not* keep time.  It pounds from my inner being and outward through the rest of my being.  Tick . . . Tick . . . Tick.  Well for classical music it ticks ticks or hums me into a place of mystical enchantment where the sirens sing and play.  I move more towards soft floaty places.

But for bass dance songs . . . it B  O  O  M   r a d i a t e   r e v e r b e r a t e s  my whole body open.  I become very . . . very.  .  .  g r o u n d e d and present in body.

I don’t have to do shit . . . I lean into it and surrender to the energy and force that comes from some secret doorway in the center of my being . . . and in response to the music it courses through and moves my body for me.

That is . . . until my mind gets in the way and I become self conscious.  Not because I’m worried about what they think about my goofy ass made up dance, but because to me it is like being seen naked in public.  In that moment I’m completely unguarded.  You are seeing me uninhibited.  The same state that others typically only feel when alone naked in bed with another human.  That’s my feeling and experience when I feel the music take me over.  It is so personal and intimate to me.

Same with my singing.  I can barely squeak a note out when anyone is within a mile of me.  My throat starts to constrict and become dry.

But in the car alone, with all the windows up . . . oh sweet baby jesus . . . my whole core opens up wide and the force of which I only experience in those rare moments comes roaring from deep within me and shakes my whole body like a plane going through turbulence and wind shears.  Something more than just a need to sing is coming through me.

I’ve spent years just getting to a place to feel safe enough to sing that openly when I’m by myself.  I’m not sure I’ll be able to get much past that in this lifetime.

But my dancing.  I’ve made more progress there because, who cares what I look like.  Maybe to me it feels like I’m naked in front of everyone.  But they don’t need to know that.  Plus . . . it feels too damn good to just let it out.

{head bopping}

{foot tapping}

( ( ( ( ( ( B  O  O  M   r a d i a t e   r e v e r b e r a t e ) ) ) ) ) )

( ( ( ( ( ( B  O  O  M   r a d i a t e   r e v e r b e r a t e ) ) ) ) ) )

Drop The Beat

( ( ( ( ( ( B  O  O  M   r a d i a t e   r e v e r b e r a t e ) ) ) ) ) )

What Truly Letting Go Looks Like

My friend Carmen brought up Pluto transits in a comment from yesterday’s post:

Arrrgh. Tell me again about Pluto transiting the ascendant???

I think her first word pretty much sums up Pluto transits.  Hers is going across the ascendant.  Her whole self identity is dying . . . but that’s not all . . . there are the Pluto/Uranus squares that have been happening . . . which have been pounding humanity into the ground.  So . . . if Pluto is going across her ascendant . . . Uranus is aiming somewhere at least near her IC.  Her identity with Pluto . . . her foundation (core self) with Uranus . . . is where this is all hitting in her life.  And omg . . . these transits have not had any mercy on the beautiful soul that is the woman I know as Carmen.

I wrote a reply that was specific to her . . . but I know this is something that we’re all dealing with somewhere in our lives.  I know I’m certainly seeing it in my Facebook feeds from my friends.  This is deep and serious stuff that is happening globally.

While Carmen has been facing the Pluto portion of these squares across her ascendant, I’ve been experiencing the Uranus transit across my ascendant.  Between the two of us, we have the entire cardinal cross covered in our charts, but in different areas . . . which is probably why the universe had us bump into each other.  “Here . . . you two might have something to talk about.  If not now . . . soon.”  O.O

I’m about to throw up (as in show . . . not puke, although it looks like it . . . I puke in heart shapes, what do you do?) one of my visual aids.  It’s showing what part of the maelstrom I’m trying to navigate.

Transiting Uranus Conjunct Ascendant.  Transiting Pluto Square Natal Pluto.  Transiting Pluto Square Ascendant and Transiting Uranus.  Natal Uranus in Scorpio.

Transiting Uranus Conjunct Ascendant. Transiting Pluto Square Natal Pluto. Transiting Pluto Square Ascendant and Transiting Uranus. Natal Uranus in Scorpio.

The green hearts are where those planets currently are in the sky (transiting).  The gold hearts are the same planets, but where they are located in my natal chart.

I’m not even sure where to start.  I listed all the notables in the caption of the picture, so I won’t repeat them here.  But that’s some heavy duty stuff going on.  Pluto in the 10th house . . . oy vey.  I didn’t think I was going to survive Pluto gnashing on my MC several years back (opposing my IC like a boss).  It hit my Neptune/Moon (IC rules moon).

During that time my teenage son attempted suicide.  He swallowed a handful of pills.  I’ll never . . . ever forget that moment in the living room . . . him laying on the floor . . . me holding him in my arms rocking and crying . . . having already screamed at 911 twice to get there faster because my baby was dying.

Remembering my son coming back to consciousness long enough to tell me to not cry . . . that everything was going to be okay . . . and that he loved me . . . that it was getting cold . . . watching the life fade from his eyes . . . and then closing them.

This is an example of a Pluto transit.  Sometimes Pluto is a metaphorical death . . . sometimes it’s actual death.  My son did survive.  But just barely . . . it could have gone either way.

Later that night, as I sat alone in the waiting room wondering whether I was going to be planning a funeral or if life was going to give me another chance to try again . . . I experienced one of Pluto’s main lessons first hand.  I was so far pulled into myself trying to escape what was happening, that I’m surprised I didn’t actually turn inside out.

I was running through every scenario in my head . . . what could I have done differently?  This wasn’t our first trip to the ER.  He had spent a week in the hospital for suicide watch when he was 12.  I educated myself about everything . . . what signs to look for when someone’s depressed . . . I took him to therapists . . . doctors.  I tore myself inside out to be a better mother.

And yet . . . there I was a couple years later.  Ripping myself apart again for failing as his mother.  Huddled in a ball on a waiting room couch, screaming at myself inside . . . asking what I did wrong . . . what did I not do that I should have.  When suddenly something gave way in me.  Everything went quiet inside of me.  A truth had been spoken outside of my screaming . . . but still inside of me.

“There’s nothing you could have done.  You cannot control what another person does.  You have to let go of thinking you can save him.  You have to come to peace with the fact that one day you very well may lose him . . . and that there’s nothing you can do to change it.”

In that moment . . . I let go of trying to keep my son alive . . . not because I didn’t love him . . . but because I don’t have that kind of power and control over another human’s path.  Who am I to say when it is time for him to die?  It’s his life . . . it’s his path . . . not mine.  So that part of me trying to control every aspect of his life in order to “save” him . . . surrendered control to the universe.

That’s when the quiet and peace had flooded me.  That’s when I became aware of a multitude of light beings in my presence.  They had been there all along . . . they were the ones who had communicated that information to me.  It was said with complete compassion . . . they saw how I was suffering . . . but as long as I was closed down and trying to control the situation in any way . . . I was also closed to them . . . I couldn’t receive their comfort and their help.

When I let go . . . I opened to a much larger awareness about life and our place in it.  I saw how much we do in an effort to prevent or stop things that we’re scared of happening.  We don’t even realize we’re doing it.  That’s Pluto.  It’s the places that scare us the most.  It’s the things that we’d do anything . . . absolutely anything . . . to not have happen.  Pluto will hold those things in your face until you finally open your eyes.

The one thing I couldn’t bear to lose in my life was my son.  Any and everything else in life, I could handle.  But from the moment my son was born, I was plagued with nightmares and fears of him dying . . . and I couldn’t handle it.  I couldn’t breathe.  I lived in terror of something happening to him.

So without seeing that I was doing it, I sheltered him . . . smothered him . . . I controlled every aspect of his life in the name of keeping him safe.  And it nearly killed him.  I was absolutely blind to it.  Others would just say to me that I was just being a good mom or a protective mom . . . but nobody ever did something like an intervention.  Because Pluto is not something easily seen or noticed by others or ourselves.

If my son hadn’t tried to kill himself . . . I don’t know that I would have ever seen it on my own.  That’s the fact of the matter.  He didn’t do it to hurt me . . . he did it to make his own hurt inside stop . . . he didn’t understand the pain and he didn’t know what to do about it.  All he knew is that it was too much.  That is also Pluto.  When you feel so absolutely alone in your pain, and you’re so far in the dark that you can’t see any light or hope . . . that is also Pluto.  My son has Pluto in Scorpio.

We both have completely changed our lives since then.  I’m more willing to let him do his own thing.  I am aware every minute of how precious my time is with him . . . so I’m more present when we interact.  We both have put in a lot of years working on getting our defenses down and rebuilding trust between each other.

Every day we become more open and loving and understanding of each other and all our own strange quirks.  I appreciate him for how he is . . . no matter how contrary and sometimes frustrating it is to me.  We’ve learned how to feel through the dark together as a team instead of as competitors.  It’s no longer a competition about who hurts more inside.  It’s a give and take . . . here is my owie . . . here let me help you hug that owie out.

Whenever I find myself falling back into wanting to control him for “his sake” . . . I remember that he came here with his own path and his own purpose and that he needs to find it for himself.  I’m here for support and love.  I’m here to be home base for him when he inevitably falls down in his effort to try and figure out this life thing.  That’s my role as mom.  Not to judge him . . . not to force him against his own (strong) inner will . . . but to mentor him . . . give him guidance.

So . . . yeah . . . this didn’t end up being so much about the stuff I said at the beginning.  Just like Pluto transits . . . sometimes I don’t have control over what decides to come out in my posts.  And I just let it be what it is without apology or trying to change it into what I think it should be.