Tarred, Feathered, and Upside Down on the Tree of Life

Snip snip goes the scissors cutting the strings, separating me further from the life I’ve known.  Having always played by the rules, always taken the harder path.  Worked hard.  Always I’ve worked hard.

Fighting to survive . . . fighting to not give up.  Never feeling like I’m enough.  I must learn more, do more, be more.  Then . . . maybe then I’ll be enough.  Maybe then I won’t have to fight so hard to exist, to live.  Maybe then I won’t have to work so hard to prove that I’m worth having here.  That I’m worth feeding, worth housing without working myself into an early grave.

Always haunted by this feeling that if I don’t do as I’m told, then my basic necessities for survival will be ripped from underneath me.  Keep in line, keep my mouth shut, and do as I’m told or I could be out on my ass.  Over time, I pulled any parts of myself that might get me into trouble or fired so that I could continue providing for my family.  Not wanting to be a burden on anyone.

I worked so hard for so long, doing everything right.  Willingly and consciously sacrificing myself for my son to have a solid foundation in which to begin his own life.

He turned 20 this September.  He tried to call me, but I found that I couldn’t answer.  The pain and disappointment of what he’s done is just now starting to sink into me, especially upon hearing how many years in prison he’ll most likely be serving.

“What was it all for?” I ask myself.  “What was the point of all of my sacrifice?  . . . What is the point of me now?”

Since the fateful day of seeing the news clip which featured my son being walked into court in handcuffs, I have found it increasingly difficult to stuff myself away in the name of necessity and survival.  It’s become more difficult to keep my mouth shut about what I’m really feeling.  Less effort goes into trying to be invisible.

It’s hard to be afraid of what others may think or do to you when the one thing that had made your life worth living has been taken away from you.

I have lived such a muted and unexpressed life.  I have played it so safe.  I have so much more inside of me than I’ve dared to show or share.  I would deeply regret my life if I failed to live up to my true potential, and so far I’ve barely tapped into it.

I found out a little over a week ago that my current work assignment will be ending, today being my last day.  Being a consultant, my agency is looking for a new assignment, but I can’t help but feel like the universe is trying to get a message across to me with all the kicking, biting, and slapping it’s doing while I’m face first in the dirt.

If ever there was a time in my life that I was being given the green light to start doing my thing, this would be it.  A world turned upside down with everything I’ve known until now being ripped away from me all at once.  There is a rare freedom felt in a moment like that.  Freed from the fear of loss with everything to gain.

The Fire Within

Some days when I look out at the world around me, I see everyone as someone that I have to protect myself against.  On those days, my long time companion of anxiety is along for the ride.  It’s hard to breathe.  It’s cold, lonely, and exhausting.  It’s harder for me to remember a time when life was good.  Small things start to feel like huge catastrophes.

On those days I feel like a big screw up in life.  I wonder what the point of me is.  I wonder why people tolerate me.  I feel invisible to the world.  I don’t feel like I matter, and I don’t feel like I am making any difference by being here.  I feel like I should be apologizing to each person I come in contact with, for not being more.  Not from a place of self pity, but from a lack of seeing it any other way.  On those days, that is just what is for me.

On those days I am usually quiet and pulled inward.  Contemplative.  I don’t want to make contact or communicate with another human.  I have a need to be quiet.  Re-charging.

On those days I make it okay to not be social.  I make it okay for others to misunderstand my actions.  I make it okay to not have to be immediately responsive.

Because I need to be still.  So still.  And quiet.  So quiet.

I have to let everything that’s been up and flailing it’s arms inside of me, to tire out and settle down.  Sometimes it can take awhile and the only thing that works, is for the *main* me to be so incredibly still . . . and . . . quiet.

Just like a rowdy classroom where the teacher is able to silence the entire room simply by standing there in a strong and silent presence.  A silence so powerful and strong that it cuts through the noise like a knife.

It reconnects the little girl me, who sometimes gets herself worked up into a froth, back to the big girl me who knows what is needed and what is best.

There are the days when the storm is quelled within.  Where I let go of the darkness that I wrap around me like a security blanket, where a completely different world is found on the other side, begging to be explored.

On these days, I must be expressive.  I can’t be quiet and I can’t be still.  I feel bigger and expanded.  Something in me swings open the shutters to let the warm summer breeze through to play.  From my core a silent song pulsing outward commands me to sing and be in movement.  Forcing me into a state of perpetually falling in love, warming and coloring the world around me.

I feel I have so much in me to give that my greatest desire becomes sharing all that I have freely with all.  I want to sing everything I say.  I want to dance in twirls and swirls on tiptoes as I sing out my heart.

It’s such a force of nature, it causes incredible physical pain to restrain it in any way.  It must be expressed.  It must be allowed entry into this world.

But I’ve always been such a serious little thing.  You would never catch me doing anything to bring attention to myself.  Wanting to join in on the reindeer games, but not knowing how to do it in the way that I feel flowing through me.  What comes out of me doesn’t look anything like what I see around me, so I know it will attract attention that I don’t want.  It makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong.

My differences from others has scared me so much that I’ve used all of my will power to keep this part of me still and silent under the surface.  Making me appear serious.  Making me known for being serious, intense, and stubborn.  I’m far from serious.  I’m just trying to keep any of my uniqueness from showing.  I have always been in the state of mind that others are dependent on me, so that means I can’t take any chances or risks that might endanger my ability to provide for them.

I’ve paid the price of not allowing that energy to have an outlet for expression, with my health.  I’ve lived with severe anxiety since I was 14.  Deep soul crushing depression from my teens through my 20s.  I know what true insanity feels like.  Not the kind people joke about when they’re being a little strange or are under temporary stress.

My life was a continual living hell.  I soldiered through.  I didn’t complain.  I didn’t reach out for help.  I put on a brave face.  I felt like I was dying every single day.  That was all I had ever known.

I continued this way until my late twenties, when something in me broke furreals.  I went down into the darkest depths of hell a person can imagine, and swam around in those waters for years waiting for someone to show me the way.  Nobody ever showed up.  Things continued to break in me, each one deeper than the one before.  Down into depths I previously didn’t know existed.

Down and down I went into the rabbit hole.

Until everything I thought was real and everything I thought was me was ripped away and I was left alone at the very bottom of a deep dark well staring up into pitch black darkness.

More time passed.  Afraid.

Until I reached a point where I had nothing left to lose, and like a feather floating down to Earth the final wrapping I used to tie myself small, fell away.

I lifted myself back up from the ground.  I closed my eyes . . . took a deep breath, and for the first time in a long time I could hear my internal soul song.

Having gone far beyond fear and terror, I extended my arms and the dance of Life that I had squelched tight in fear for so long, once again found it’s way into the World.  With it came a love so deep and profound, anything petty and unimportant was instantly burned away. . . anything that wasn’t real and true went up in flame.

Once the fire purified the path, then . . . then the Joy began to pour through.  Pure Ecstatic Joy that flowed through every vein of my body like warmed golden honey.  Everything in me opened up and became Radiated Light.  The world around me transformed into the Golden World and sparkled with Divinity’s Love and Consciousness.

Tired of fighting against it, I finally surrendered to all of who I was.

If I only had one message to give from all of this, it would be this.  Nothing is worth the hidden price you pay for denying your True Self entrance into the world.  Nothing.

The Fire Within

 

Mine Is The Soul Of Joy

As I approached a stoplight, I felt the lifeless and gray world I viewed before me fall away.  I felt the inevitability of the droning routines that I go through every morning fade from my world understanding.

{Accompanying soundtrack for post, Transcendence by Lindsey Stirling}

I felt the music that was playing in my car.  Instead of something that was playing outside of me . . . it was now alive and moving through me.

I felt something in me come alive.

I wanted to move . . . I wanted to dance.  So I did.

There were cars pulling up next to me.  I did not stop my dance.

There were people on the crosswalk.  I did not stop my joy.

There wasn’t a self conscious hair on my body.

In my ecstatic and surrendered sitting-in-the-driver’s-seat car dance . . . I felt my reason and purpose for living.

With that simple realization, that was nothing but a feeling with no words . . .

I felt the golden glow in my Heart, spread outward into the world around me.

I felt the warm glow connection to every person in my environment.

I felt in them . . . all of them, in their many varied ways . . . the wish to move and dance as well.

And I felt this “why?” . . . . “why are we so still and serious about everything?  why is it not accepted to feel and express genuine joy and happiness?  why is it considered proper to be still and motionless?” . . . “why?

I felt a response from within me pulse out from my Heart . . . “There is no reason.  There’s absolutely no reason at all, except our belief that we can’t or shouldn’t.”

I continued my unapologetic and heartfelt dance, the joy flowing through me intensifying as I gave into it.

I wanted nothing more in that moment, than to give to everyone the instant ability to be comfortable in being free to express uninhibited joy in their everyday life.

Whether you’re standing on the corner of the street waiting for the light to change . . . or drinking your morning coffee on your commute.  That no matter where you are or what you’re doing . . . it can be full of life and joy.

I wanted to boldly dance my dance with my whole heart in front of everyone, and let the Golden Heart Energy spread out around me, giving life back to all of the soul-weary life travelers in my community.

Something in me yearns with the intensity of a thousand suns, to open up all that I am and share that Life within me freely with one and all.

This passion within me.  This passion and love.  This uninhibited joy.  It doesn’t want to be held under anymore.