Gemini – The Inner Child

“Hello darkness my old friend . . . ”

Just kidding!  The Sun is currently in Gemini, bitches!

Having a Sun/Jupiter conjunction in Gemini, I have a personal affection for this sign.

Sun Jupiter Conjunct

There’s a lot of trash talk out there regarding Gemini, so I’d like to put in my two cents regarding my own personal experience with the sign of the Twins.  If you’re looking for the typical regurgitated list of keywords regarding what Gemini is . . . then move along little doggy, because this isn’t what you’re looking for.

When I’m first learning something, yes . . . I use keywords.  But then I immediately want to understand how it actually looks, feels, sounds like in real life.  It might have something to do with my Sun/Jupiter being located in the 2nd house that is naturally ruled by Taurus . . . an Earth sign.  Let’s ground that shit.

The Sun is currently in Gemini (end of May- most of June), which means my birthday is coming up.

Sherbert

Let’s see . . . where do I start . . .

I know!  Let’s start with how the energy of Gemini feels.

On a warm summer day.  You’re out in a field of flowers, maybe on a mountain side.  The sky is clear blue.  And then a gentle, refreshing summer breeze comes through and makes you come to life!  Ahhh!  Life is good!

Gemini is that summer breeze.  It’s playful, child-like, smiling, and goes all ‘Sound of Music’ on your ass.  It’s a vibrant color of yellow.  Not pale yellow, not neon yellow . . . but Full of Life Yellow!  Yay!

Gemini reminds us not to take life SO Serious!  O.O

Serious Cat

Laugh once in awhile for god’s sake.

I view the zodiac as a framework for understanding different working energies in the universe and that each serves a purpose.  Each has a spectrum of ways it could manifest from the “I’m brand new to this shit and don’t know what the hell I’m doing” or less mature side, to the “I’ve swam these waters for millennia and I totally know what’s up and I do it well” or more mature side.

I also understand that there aren’t necessarily “opposites” to each sign . . . but a polarity.  Each sign has it’s polarity on it’s opposing side.  If you want to better understand any one sign, you need to also understand the opposing sign.  For Gemini that is Sagittarius.  But more on that later.

Gemini.  Gemini likes . . . nay . . . NEEDS to label things.  “What’s this?”  “What about this?”  “What’s that called?”  Gemini is the universe’s label maker.  It doesn’t want an in-depth description about whatever *it* is.  Curious by nature, Gemini isn’t looking to pass judgment or to use it later for manipulative purposes . . . it just wants a name to call it by.  So later when Gemini is with their friends they can share what they learned with them.

Gemini loves to share.  Not-so-grown up Gemini will gossip like no other.  If you have a secret you want to be kept a secret . . . pssst . . . here’s a secret . . . DON’T tell an immature Gemini.  It’s not because they’re trying to be mean . . . there is a very real compulsion in the Gemini energy to *share*.  To share experiences, share stories, share information . . . connect and share . . . connect and share.

Social Media?  {Insert evil little kid laugh here}  That is so.Gemini.  O.M.G.  I can’t even.

When we’re little kids, we learn by mimicking those around us.  Gemini is that little kid.  Trying to learn and take in as much information about their immediate environment as possible and share what they learn with others.  And just like a kid, they can be unpredictably moody.  Giggles and sunshine one minute, death stare and DOOM the next.  The Twins.

Making connections.  Not just with others, but also between things.  Because Gemini tends to skim a wide swath of topics in an attempt to satisfy their curiosity,  they can also potentially start to see connections between things that the less curious (boring) person might not notice.

Gemini, being an air sign (hello light breeze), is more of an intellectual sign.  It’s not about feelers or emotions.  It’s not trying to save the goddamn world.  That doesn’t come until much later in the zodiac process, with the air sign of Aquarius.  Gemini is just trying to observe and understand things as they are.

Language and communication is a big thing with Gemini.  Also with Virgo because both are ruled by Mercury, the planet of communication.  My son is a Virgo (Sun & Moon).  So I’ve tried to understand what the differences are between the signs because they very much behave in parallel with each other.  It can get a little confusing.

What I’ve observed so far (in my awesome Gemini superhero ways) is that Gemini tends to process information by being outwardly verbal about it.  Virgo (an Earth sign) tends to process information more internally . . . and using more actual senses than Gemini.  Virgo is more practical.  Gemini is head in the clouds.  Thank GOD I have Mercury in Taurus or I’d be a complete space cadet with how the rest of my chart is.

Both Virgo and Gemini tend to be more aware of details.  But Virgo can stay in the details on something specific for a long time.  Gemini is like fuck that.  After 2.5 seconds, Gemini is bored with the topic and moving on.  My son has been learning all of the details and surrounding details regarding making his own digital music.  I’ve seen the program.  He has put in years of his life understanding what each little nobby thing does if he tweaks something this way or that way.  He spends his own money that he’s saved up patiently (he’s a Taurus rising) on textbooks regarding the history of digital music and on music theory.

He blows my mind.  How in the hell do you keep studying all those insanely intricate controls and doo-dads in that program month after month?  I would lose my goddamn mind.  *That’s* a real life example of the difference between a Gemini and a Virgo.

BTW, what I mean by *details* for Gemini, is what I call clue pieces.  At any given time I’m holding virtually in my mind, any and all loose end pieces of information that don’t quite make sense to me or fit in with anything.  My own personal virtual web of ‘WTFs?’ that the jury is still out on.  As I continue to learn new things, sometimes I hit upon new information that *pings* one of my ‘WTF?’ files, and starts to fill in the missing blanks of me understanding something.

Short tangent here.  I always assumed that Virgo would be the type to love actual jigsaw puzzles, because . . . detail.  Look at all the detail you have to focus on.  Smorgasbord of detail.  But you know what?  All of the people in my life with prominent Virgo energy (that I’ve bothered to ask) cannot seem to tolerate jigsaw puzzles.  They approach them like their hair is going to catch fire.  I, on the other hand, LOVE jigsaw puzzles.  OMG they are the best.  And any friends that I’ve ever had who likes puzzles like I do . . . Gemini.

Board games.  <– Gemini says yes.  But expect this if things don’t go how we like:

flipping tables

That’s how I end monopoly games.

So now’s probably a good time to bring up the opposing side of Gemini, which is Sagittarius.  I equally LOVE Sagittarius.  But that’s probably to do with my Moon and Neptune being there.

Gem Sag Axis

Even if you can’t read the symbols, I’m sure you can guess that the little crescent moon shape is . . . the moon.  :O  The trident next to it is Neptune.

Sagittarius is the ‘higher education’ portion of the zodiac.  Gemini, cute little school kid . . . Sagittarius, the person working on their PHD.  Gemini = Knowledge . . . Sagittarius =Wisdom.  Gemini = Concrete observation . . . Sagittarius = Abstract concepts.  Gemini = pieces or *clues* about this and that . . . Sagittarius = the bigger picture.

For me personally, Sagittarius is about the Higher Truth.  Sagittarius also rules belief, religion, prophecy, and zealotry.  Here you can get someone who is pretty sure they know the truth and omg are they going to let you know all about it.  But just as in all signs . . . there is the immature/mature expression.

With my Neptune/Moon there . . . I *feel* truth in my own personal feelings and emotions.  However, I have to make sure I’m being brutally honest with myself and always practicing discernment, but that doesn’t mean I’m always succeeding because I’m currently stuffed into a human body and shit happens.

So my Gemini goes on clue hunts and picks up bits and pieces of information from all over, and my Sagittarius ponders and feels them out.  The stuff that hits the *true* vibe stays, the rest is thrown into a bag of NOPE.  However, I do keep the bag of NOPE around because sometimes when I’m really stuck on a problem I have to go through that bag of NOPE and see if I didn’t accidentally throw something out that I actually need.

I’m a data hoarder.

Where Gemini has it’s tentacles scattered out to the four winds, Sagittarius zooms me in to a single focus and helps me recollect myself.  Gemini is like a web crawler that goes out searching for information, and Sagittarius is like the search engine that allows me to search for something specifically.  Sagittarius allows me to zoom up real high and look at the bigger picture to help me understand why maybe my clue pieces aren’t fitting right.

Hence, why I LOVE puzzles.  Little pieces making up the one picture.  Plus, it’s temporary.  I get a new one . . . I have new colors to dig through and sort.  A new picture to aim for (So Sag, aiming for a single target) using the little pieces (Gemini).  Once it’s done, I usually take a deep sigh (and then a picture) . . . and then I tear that shit apart and throw it back in the box and go get another puzzle . . . with all new colors and . . .

Point being, it’s a fun way to exercise that axis of my chart.  Keep my observational skills sharpened as well as keeping the transition from bigger picture to details and back to bigger picture nice and flexible.  It’s my version of “lifting weights”.  Feels goooood.

Also, Sagittarius wants to find meaning in things.  It’s always in the pursuit of Truth.  Philosophizing.  “Yes, but what does it all mean!?”  And that helps my superficial Gemini a lot.  Basically this axis of my chart, with the planets being in the signs and houses that they are, is all about understanding reality . . . both here and the other side of the Veil.  It’s like my whole expression of being is bent on finding, learning, understanding this reality and the reality after we die and connecting the two together.  What is real here . . . okay and what is real there . . . okay . . . now what do both have in common . . . is this a universal truth or something that is only true for now?  And why?  But how come?

Okay.  There’s so much more I could say about Gemini, but you know . . . we all have lives to get back to and what not.  So . . . go be free . . . be free my little butterflies!  Enjoy the Sun in Gemini time!  Be silly, giggle, get an ice cream cone, watch cartoons, frolick, have fun with friends, play pretend, build a cushion fort, be mischievous!

Shrubbery

 

A Life Of Joy At Death’s Door

Death is one of the most deep and intimate things you can experience while in life.  Whether it be through the death of a loved one or a stranger you read about half way across the world.

Death is the ultimate surrendering.  The ultimate letting go.

In astrology, death is found in the 8th house, represented by the sign of Scorpio and by the planet of Pluto.  The energies of death, sex, and intimacy.  The joint resources between partners.

This energy that runs through those representative symbols, just like the other houses/signs/planets in astrology, is the grouping of an energy that acts as a foundation and understanding about nature and cycles.  The reason they *rule* certain things in life is because those things are related.  They aren’t just willy nilly grouped that way for fun.

When I’m trying to better understand the nature of something, I also take a look at the things that are commonly associated with it over time.  From there I am able to start seeing the single thread of energy that moves through all of them.  Once I can see that, I am able to integrate and extrapolate further meaning about that single thread of energy.  This is one of the cool benefits I gain from having a Sun/Jupiter conjunction in Gemini.

But Gemini is more of a superficial sign.  Only interested in what is right in front of them and in the moment.  Distracted by the shiny and sparkly things in life.  It’s the sign of youthfulness and childlike wonder.  It is a happy energy.  When I think of Gemini I feel a sunshiny yellow color.  The color of summer and things that are lit up bright and beautiful and warm.  Gemini, being one of three air signs, is the refreshing breeze that comes through and livens things up.  The social butterfly.

While Gemini does have a dark twin, and you’re never sure which you’re going to get . . . for the most part, death is a far and distant concept for them.  It’s this thing that happens and it’s super sad, but ‘hey, that’s life’ as they go tra-la-la-la-la-ing onto their tiptoes in an impromptu dance where they’re not really listening to anything you’re saying anyways.

So what exactly is up with *this* Gemini that I dive so deep into such intimate matters of the Scorpio variety?  Well many things, but the most influential is what I have in direct opposition from my Sun & Jupiter, my Neptune/Moon conjunction in Sagittarius.  The most interesting thing about it to me, is in the house system I use (Koch), even though both are at 14 degrees, my Moon is in the 8th house and my Neptune is in the 9th house.

My 9th house cusp is right in the middle of those two . . . and boy can I feel it.  Here’s why.  I see 8th house as the house of ultimate depth and the ultimate release . . . which at the moment of release,  the energy starts to soar upward into the 9th house (naturally ruled by Sagittarius) of higher truth and freedom.  My Moon and Neptune are straddling that crossover, along with being *in* the sign of Sagittarius.  The Moon is a very personal planet.  It’s what you feel in your core.  If you were to pull into yourself like a turtle and just be in the center and essence of *you* . . . this is your Moon.  Well, technically it’s the IC (4th house cusp), but it’s represented planet-wise through your Moon.

My Moon in the 8th house shows a natural comfort zone in the energetic zone of death and intimacy.  But being in Sagittarius and sitting snug with Neptune . . . it’s the *surrender* moment . . . where the soul surrenders to the Divine.  “Let go and let God.”  It’s the sign of the Free Spirit.  The shadow side of Sagittarius can be someone running from the deeper, serious things in life.  I very much have the tendency in me to haul ass out of situations that get too serious.  The Sagittarius that is growing up, is one who stops running from these things and learns how to be free by embracing all of life.  It’s also the sign of joy.  🙂

My struggle in this life has been to be present in all life situations without going into make-believe or pretend.  My tendency is to become a silver lining sayings factory instead of actually letting the reality of the situation sink into me.  When I was 16 my maternal grandmother died.  Could.not.handle.it.  A whole bunch of NOPE came up in me.  My family wanted me to come to the funeral . . . said I would regret it one day if I didn’t go.  Nope.  That’s all I felt inside of me.  If I don’t go to the funeral, it didn’t happen.

My interest in life after death consumed my childhood.  In the 4th grade I did an oral report on reincarnation.  In hindsight it was a really dumb thing to do, because at the time I lived in the southern US state of Georgia, also known as the bible belt of America.  I was excited to share this information, but was met with a room full of frowny angry faces.

Also, I always had dreams where people who had died in our family would come to me with messages to give other family members.  I could sense, feel, and hear ghosts/spirits.  I purposely blocked them from my vision because there is only so much a little girl can handle in the dark by herself.

I was also plagued by incredibly gruesome dreams.  Dreams where I was put in horrible situations such as being shot in the head and being forced to make a choice between me being shot in the head first and ending my suffering, or having a child I was protecting be shot in the head first so that her suffering ended first . . . however I would have to witness it.

I was taken to a lot of counselors and psychologists when I was younger.

The point being . . . you can run, but you can’t hide from who you are and what you’re meant for in the world.  A point made very clearly to me in a dream in which my maternal grandfather, who I had watched take his last breath in this life, came to me and told me that I needed to get over my fear with this ability to travel back and forth between the veil of life and death, because it was going to happen ready or not.  Meaning, I better get my shit together and stop running from my fears because my natural abilities were going to start to bleed through whether I disciplined myself to deal with it or not.

I’ve had many dreams in which I’m placed in various scenarios where it’s *the* moment of death.  The moment where it’s time to go, and the soul is released from the body.  It’s lucid, and I stay aware during the whole process.  Every single time, I look to the others near me in the dream and I say to them . . . “Just let go.”

It’s my Moon mantra.

The feeling in the moment of dying in these dreams, is one where you let go of all attachments to life including the need to survive.  I feel all areas of the inner me literally detach energetically from the physical body.  It’s 100% openness.  It’s laying down all burdens.  A complete surrender to the All.

Imagine you were standing at the top of a 100 story building and you got shoved off.  There’s zero doubt you are about to die.  Maybe you feel some regret move through you.  Maybe a feeling of ‘oh shit . . . I should’ve lived more’.  Those will move through your mind pretty quickly until you come to a moment of clarity.  A single moment of knowing that “this is it”, who was most important to you, and then there is an instinctive response to “Let Go” where you close your eyes and you let every single thing you spent your life worrying about go.  All of it.

That is the moment of ultimate surrender.  Ultimate presence and awareness.  It’s ironically the moment when you are most alive, because your attention is not being scattered to the four winds in worry about taking the car to the shop, making dentist appointments for the family, grocery lists, that presentation at work . . . no, all of your awareness and attention is zeroed in on that moment.  It quickly condenses down to the few most important things in your life.  Your wife.  Your kids.  Your mom.  Whatever it is for you, in that moment you will know with all of your heart what mattered most to you in life, and they will be the last thoughts you have before you exit the body.

It’s when your heart is most open.  It’s when you are the most real and authentic you.  It’s the moment of truth.  The moment where everything false or unimportant is burned away in an instant.

That is where my Moon & Neptune reside energetically in my natal chart.

Between my Gemini Sun/Jupiter and my Sagittarius Neptune/Moon, I live perpetually in this doorway between life and death.  This doorway of surrender, what’s truly most important, and how wonderful each day we are given is.  It’s my comfort zone, this understanding of the transition between here and there . . . life and death.

An appreciation and love for that moment, even though it brings people so much pain and sorrow.  I also feel that deep pain and sorrow, but I simultaneously feel the surrender and release of all that isn’t real or true within me.  As I open to the incredible pain of loss and sorrow, whether it be personally for a loved one or for those I don’t know, like those lost during a natural disaster, my whole heart opens . . . lifting the separation of the worlds between life and death within, and flooding me with the absolute love the Divine has for each and every one of us.

It is where I am comforted and where I give comfort.

Speaking of which, I have a little kitty girl on my lap who is currently in this transition and is trying to let me know that it’s about time for her to go.  I’m trying to be brave and not resist it, but I don’t think anyone looks forward to opening themselves up to that level of pain.

It’s like throwing up.  You know you’ll feel better once you do it, but you’d rather not.

 funny-run-sign-screaming-hill

Wanting To Be A Graceful Swan, Destined To Be A Goofy Dork.

I was recently doing searches on various aspects of my birth chart because I’ve lost sight of who I am again.

Normally this might be something I’d talk to a close friend about . . . but right now, that friend is you.  This space is the only medium I have in my life right now to talk things out.

But hey, I have Uranus (friends, internet, unconventional) in my 7th house (relationships) . . . so maybe this is exactly how it’s supposed to be for me.

Over and over again I am reminded in my life that there is how I think things are supposed to be . . . and then there are how things just are.

Anyways . . . I like visual aids, so here’s a look at my birth chart (and it’s okay if you don’t know astrology . . . it’s my feeling that even just seeing the geometry and symbols gives us information, even if at a subconscious level).  If you click on it you should be able to see the mega huge version of it.  (If you’re looking for a great resource for astrology, or even just to have the ability to do a chart without having to pay money . . . www.astro.com is *the* best place I have found online.)

Jenn's Birth Chart

Jenn’s Birth Chart

It will never fail to amaze me how looking at a birth chart is looking at a snapshot of the heavens at the time and location of a person’s birth . . . and how it is a blueprint of who we are and what our plan was for the time we are here.  As above . . . so below.

Anyways, I first started my search with my (moon’s) North Node, which is in Libra in the 7th house.

North Node in Libra in the 7th house.

North Node in Libra in the 7th house.

One place I looked, True Node.org, had a lot of useful information.  Some of it I wasn’t quite on board with, but that helped me actively use my discernment in what I felt to be true for myself vs. how another person viewed/interpreted similar things that I do . . . without being defensive about it.  And also for me to keep in mind, that there are other things in my chart that change how it is expressed in me.

Here’s what stood out most for me:

You are here in this lifetime to learn to give with the whole heart, asking nothing of others in return.

. . .

Some will perceive you as disloyal, since you are so reluctant to invest in your relationships.  However, as you grow in your spiritual development, you will find within yourself an amazing ability to give self-confidence to others.

. . .

an ability to “give others the will where there was none” and to make them aware of their own self-worth

These are the things I felt touch me deep inside and reading them easily make me cry in a kind of relief . . . so I know they are touching on something true and important to me.

When I’ve forgotten who I am . . . this is the kind of process I go through to help piece myself back together until a bigger picture emerges and I’m able to start remembering on my own.

One of the things I feel when reading these sentences, is a raw heartbreaking overwhelming humbleness at the idea that I could affect another human being in that way.  Which makes me painfully aware of what I’ve been feeling about my own self worth.  How lately, I haven’t been feeling like I have anything of value to offer another person.  I know it’s not true, but I can’t seem to remember what it is I have.

So I kept searching to see what other clues I could find.  Next was on my Neptune/Moon conjunction.

Neptune (9th house) and Moon (8th house) conjunction in Sagittarius.

Neptune (9th house) and Moon (8th house) conjunction in Sagittarius.

This is where my deep feelers come from.  This is why I cry like a person at a funeral when I witness something that feels so profound or so beautiful.  This is what brings me to my knees when I hear a violin playing just the right haunting chords.  It’s where I feel (moon) both the beauty and sorrow of the world and life from a spacecraft view.  This is also where I get incredibly confused in my feelings and who I am separate from others whenever I become emotionally stressed.

The best place I found that describes the Neptune/Moon conjunction, is at The Chirotic Journal.  It’s a longer quote . . . but I feel it’s necessary in order to effectively understand what it means to have this configuration (or similar).

Imagine this scenario: someone you know has come to see you and on their way over they have got stuck in traffic, had an argument with a co-worker on the phone and discovered that their husband spent the housekeeping on a hooker, then they call in at your house, and actually, they like you very much and just want to hang out for a while so they don’t mention any of that bad stuff, but inside they are angry, upset, hurt and frustrated, as would only be natural for anyone who had experienced such a frustrating and upsetting set of circumstances. For most, this visitor would appear agitated perhaps, maybe a little off and flat and for anyone without Moon conjunct Neptune it wouldn’t represent much of a blip on their personal radar, off their friend would toddle, and they might think to themselves “hmm, they seemed a little odd today, no matter”, and they would carry on about their business and probably forget all about it.

Not so for Moon conjunct Neptune. Not by a long chalk.

For anyone with Moon conjunct Neptune, they can feel the anger, resentment and frustration from their friend almost as a physical force in the room. The hostility would be profoundly uncomfortable, they feel so uncomfortable in fact that they may even begin to physically sweat, or shake, or feel a little wan and pale. And even before their friend was out the door they will already be running through the list of all possible misdemeanours they could possibly have committed to have caused such an upset, because it is entirely possible that their friend is angry because of something they have done, or said, or not said, or not done, or implied, or inferred or failed to anticipate.

It’s for this reason I need lots of time alone.  It’s also the source of many of my oddities, all of which are hard for me to explain or describe because it just doesn’t make sense in practical down-to-earth terms.  It’s stuff that only makes sense to someone (without this or a similar configuration in their chart) when they’re having a religious experience or moment of ecstatic bliss.  Or when faced with larger than life events, such as when faced with the death of a loved one and they bring the whole meaning of life into question.  In those moments . . . the things I feel every day of my life . . . would then have more context and make more sense to them.

Next I decided to look at the aspect on my chart that is in opposition (180 degrees) from my Neptune/Moon, which is my Jupiter/Sun.  It’s crucial that I understand this other side because it’s my counter-balance.  Until I come to peace with both, I will swing wildly from one to the other.  I have to reconcile both sides (and all 4 of the gigantic influences) inside of me.

Sun and Jupiter conjunction in 2nd house in Gemini.

Sun and Jupiter conjunction in 2nd house in Gemini.

The things that came up in my search wavered from one end of the spectrum to the other as far as how people chose to see this combination.  Here are some samples:

From Sasstrology (and specifically about having a partner who has Sun/Jupiter aspect . . . apparently I’m a handful.)

When ego (Sun) is united with the planet of expansion and philosophy (Jupiter), it creates a larger-than-life personality. Sun/Jupiter is a highly intelligent, optimistic partner. But when his sense of self gets too big, is there room for another person in the relationship?

Jupiter’s full-on influence quadruples the Sun’s energy.

I *have* wondered this myself.  I understand at some level that I’m *a lot*.  I can get so frustrated with myself.  I want to be who I am without overwhelming or scaring people off.  But I don’t know how to just “kind of” be me.  It’s like asking an atomic bomb to “bring it down a notch”.  How?  🙂

From the site My Astrology Book:

You have brought strong and powerful spiritual energy into this world.  You’re very ethical, vital, physically protected, and have much wisdom to share with others.  You’re optimistic, philosophical, generous to a fault, buoyant, love to travel, and will probably do so, to places far from home. 

Okay . . . that seems like a little more down to Earth.  But it’s not really getting at the bigness of the energy.

MoonPluto Astrology says with the Sun/Jupiter configuration:

People forget sometimes that Sagittarius is the sign of prophecy and Jupiter in Gemini sitting with the Sun (YOU) is… to quote a Facebook friend of mine, the intensity and relentlessness of 1,000 white hot suns.

There we go . . . 1,000 white hot suns.  Now I feel like we’re on the same page.  That’s the level at which I’m having to consciously work with and keep under control at all times.  If I don’t, my physical body (2nd house) starts paying the price for it.  So I’m always in flux trying to keep myself healthy by not keeping all of that repressed in me . . . and also with not letting it all out and frying everyone within a 100,000 mile radius to a burnt crisp.  Cuz . . . I mean . . . I deeply *care* about you guys.  My Moon/Neptune is absolutely horrified at what my Sun/Jupiter is capable of.

So the ping pong game that often plays out on this axis/opposition of my chart looks something like this:  Supernova Superstar! —> You Monster!  How could you be so insensitive! {sob uncontrollably} –> I’m super sorry.  I’m a pathetic, self-centered jackass. –> Oh . . . it’s okay . . . I know you didn’t mean it. –> Really?  –>  Sure!  You’re not so bad.  I love you!  –> Supernova Superstar!

This is mostly internal . . . because I have another aspect playing out in my chart that isn’t so fond of my Sun/Jupiter.  And that is my . . . wait for it . . . Saturn in Leo in the 5th house.  (dun Dun DUN!!)

Saturn in Leo in the 5th house.

Saturn in Leo in the 5th house.

I *am* grateful for Saturn, because he helps anchor my Neptune/Moon and keeps me from totally floating off into space.  This is where I gain discipline, strength, and focus if I put in the hard work.  But it’s in the sign and house of FUN!  Noooooooo!

I liked what Night Sky wrote about Saturn in Leo.

Under Leo, Saturn is brought into the spotlight, into the limelight and is forced into doing something that Saturn abhors generally, and that is being the centre of attention and being “fun”.

Bah, Humbug!

In this position, Saturn is forced into showing courage, spontaneity, exuberance and love of life. The result is often a straight jacket.

LOL.  But seriously,

When in terms and face though, and the essential debility of this placement is reduced somewhat, Saturn´s serious and no-nonsense face is a beautiful blend with Solar energy resulting in an old and mature soul acting through an innocent and childlike Leo.

That’s a beautiful sentiment . . . but here’s the reality of it:

The detrimental nature of Saturn in Leo almost always guarantees the humiliation of Saturn in any kind of endeavour in which he tries to act out his original and melancholic nature, for in doing so the fire of Leo will burn away all careful planning, all responsibility and wreak havoc. But for the Saturn who acts out his inner child, who does what Leo tells him and tries to be “fun” it seems as if great respect and honour… those so desired Saturnine gifts are thrown upon him. It is funny that this Saturn although repressed and wearing a straight jacket when he does take to the stage, is so showered with affection and admiration for doing it. But that is the nature of essentially debilitated planets, they are asked to do something they don´t like.

Ack.  Okay.  For some reason this has me tearing up.  {Stop it!  Stop crying! God you are so embarrassing sometimes.} <— says my Saturn in Leo/5th house to my Neptune/Moon.

Guaranteed humiliation when I try to be myself around others.  Yes.  1,000 white hot suns yes.  My Gemini and Sagittarius want to be in love with life and people.  They want to bring joy and laughter to everyone.  And then there’s Saturn with a leash on both of them saying, “NO!”

This is Saturn in Leo's response to Moon/Neptune in Sagittarius.

This is Saturn in Leo’s response to Moon/Neptune in Sagittarius.

I hate and fear attention.  I.despise.it.  It baffles me that there are people who want to be famous.  WHY!?  Why would you do that on purpose?!  But the forces that burn and bubble under my surface, demand to be let out . . . and that is inevitably going to bring attention to me. (godbleepitybleepingbleep!!)  So I most definitely will come crashing through that stage in a straightjacket, because it’s both something I hate and something that comes with just being who I am.  I want to be all noble, poised, and magnificent . . . but do this instead:

That's about as graceful as I get.

That’s about as graceful as I get.

So . . . that’s as far as I got in my search.  When I’m in a healthier space, I can handle way more information than that at a time . . . so that is another indicator for myself to take it easy and to continue to rest.  But doing this helped.  It felt good to share this with you.  (But don’t tell Saturn.)

{Continued in Before I Get To Goofy Dork, I Need To Make A Quick Stop At The Local Abyss }