The Song Whisperer

I’ve been listening to Jay’s latest song, There’s a Storm Rolling In, over and over. It’s not completely my fault. I was minding my own business this morning and trying to get some long overdue cleaning and organizing done in the house, and next thing I know. . . I’m humming . . “There’s a Storm Rolling In. . . ” That in itself is not a big deal. I often have songs pop into my head for no reason. . . constantly in fact. I’m like some sort of organic iPod random shuffle. But there is a different quality or feeling in this instance.

And this isn’t the first time that one of Jay’s songs have gone all weird on me in the last week.

End of last week, I was at work and owning an Excel Spreadsheet like a boss, when out of *nowhere*, and in a Very Dramatic way. . .the beginning part of a song that Jay wrote over a year ago came barreling into my head. (You can hear it here, A New Wind Blowing) It was loud, intrusive, and definitely came from outside of me . . . meaning, it wasn’t just my thoughts picking up or thinking about the song. . . it was just there of its own accord. Like in a, “Hello!!! My name is Tom and I just moved into the neighborhood, and thought I’d stop and say hi!” kind of way.

I think I may have even jumped from being startled.

I’m used to really weird shit happening, but this was a new one even for me.

The song seemed to have its own distinct personality. It was hyper, excited, and wanted to “be a part of this”. At which point, I saw/heard the song Jay had just published about the storm. . . and at a certain point in *that* song I saw the one that had just crashed the party in my head. . . start to do an overlay of itself over (or through? weaved?) the other song. “I want to be a part of this.”

Lucky for the song “A New Wind Blowing”, Jay happened to be online. . . and I was immediately writing him.

“Ummm. Baby? You’re not going to believe this but, a song of yours has a message it wants me to give you. . . ”

And lucky for *me*. . . Jay is hardly ever surprised by what comes out of my mouth, and is easily able to roll with it. (Thank fucking god I found him. Damn I’m a lucky girl).

He called me a “Song Whisperer”.

Anyways, so back to today’s little treasure. The song came into my mind in a similar fashion, but less intrusive/hyper, and more subdued/gentle. Again, it felt like it came from outside of me and it had its own distinct personality. But this one wasn’t wanting to give a message to Jay, it had something it wanted to share with me.

So I gave in (hey, why not?), and got my phone and started playing it while I continued with my chores. But I had to make myself stop and really be present with the song. Spirit and Soul don’t speak if you aren’t paying attention.

It was then, that I was able to feel something stir and awaken in me. It felt a little melancholic. But deeper and fuller than that. It was swirling and expanding something in my root chakra, that gave it a timeless feeling. Something delicate and beautiful. . . faint and soft, was floating up from there. It felt like *meaning* and *purpose*. . . *fate* . . . *destiny*. . .

. . .*larger than life*. . .

. . . a feeling I faintly recall from childhood that’s been starting to find its way back into my vocabulary the last few days. A feeling of caring again. A feeling of wanting to join life again. A feeling that doesn’t have words yet. . . the closest I can use for translation from feeling to English is “swelling heart loving beauty for all of Life”. A feeling of being filled with care, nurturing, love, acceptance, kindness. It feels like something ancient. Something True.

Maybe something along the lines, of what a person would feel when they know they are taking their last breath. . .

Except. . . add to that, a person just about to start a brand new life. . . and it’s everything they’ve ever wanted.

They’re standing on that threshold

. . . on one side, they are saying goodbye to all they’ve ever known. . . and the love and appreciation for all the things they got to experience . . . and all the others who shared in that experience with them. A feeling of love and gratitude.

. . . on the other side, they are starting to see the sun’s rays fall on the new life that’s the result of so much hard work and sacrifice. A place of peace and love. Laughing and Love. Family and friends. . . as far as the eye can see. . . welcoming you with open arms. Singing a song of love and warmth. . . forgiveness. . . acceptance. . . for all of who you are. And in return loving all of them for all of who they are.

Perhaps. . . that’s why the sunny, shiny, new beginnings song “A New Wind Blowing” wanted to be a part of “There’s a Storm Rolling In.” They’re inevitably a part of each other. . . always. The New comes barreling across the threshold, and takes ahold of the Old’s hand. . . and threads both into the New, to forever continue the Story of Life.

Be You Now

I really push myself to expand beyond my comfort zone for these posts.  I’m starting to get a feel for the process and the feeling that comes when I’ve reached the place in me that has something that wants to be shared.  A unique combination of feelings start to unfold and I feel the usual tension in my midsection start to let go, and I literally. . . feel my being begin to expand outward past my normal limits.  My awareness becomes bigger.

Today I felt it come on during my walk.  I felt it start to happen. . . and could feel a part of me feel scared about that bigness, and try to resist or convince it to go back in its cage.  But, my bigness just held the space and said quietly . . . “Why?”  And then the Resistance was gone, seeing that Bigness meant business.

But the answer to the question of “Why?” continued to unfold in me.  Appropriately, my random song shuffle, chose an epic soundtrack.  Making it more convincing to my Bigness, that we were in some really awesome movie and walking slowly towards the viewer while explosions went off around me, and I looked more or less unaffected.  Dramatic.  Epic.  Bigness.  is quickly followed by Shame. Guilt. Smallness.

Or was.

Why?  I asked myself.  What’s wrong with it.  What’s wrong with feeling Big.  What’s wrong with any of the things we feel?  Why are they thrown around like insults?

Feeling the unique combination of feelings start to unfold, letting me know I had hit my target for today’s topic, I let my Being fan out to collect the pieces of the story that wanted to be shared today.

I saw one of the gossamer threads come back to me with a memory of a recent comment I read on another blog about their fight with mental illness.

I saw another gossamer thread come back with this blog http://aopinionatedman.com/ and http://wrongwithlife.wordpress.com/ and this one http://www.jamesaltucher.com/, all of which I had recently hopped into briefly and scanned their posts.

I felt inside of me, a feeling of “realness” and “rawness”.  I felt chills and a feeling of electrical power radiate outward, that felt good to open up to and let through instead of trying to stop it.  In that radiating feeling, and gossamer etheric threads weaving something together, I thought of my feeling bad for feeling Big.  The woman who struggled with a life of “mental illness”.  The courage of these individuals I had just come across in the last day, to speak their truth.

I felt a strength start to pour and spread in me.  Seeing someone. . . anyone speak their own truth, unapologetically. . . is so empowering.  And in that moment, I was only feeling the gossamer threads of 4 or 5 of these brave souls in that moment. . . but the quantum leap of power and strength that was to be had in the combining and networking of the few. . . was immense.  It was POWERFUL.  It brought such.pure.joy. into my being.

Each of these people are from completely different walks of life.  They each have completely different things to say.  In person, they may not give each other a 2nd glance.  But each have something to offer all of us.  I could feel the energy of one come into me like a part of a song, and then the next came in and weaved itself into the song. . . and the next.  I could feel the commonality between all of them. . . their truth. . . the song that is released into the unseen when each is speaking their truth, whatever that truth is. . . weaves itself together and in the process. . . strengthens the whole.

In that moment, I got to stand in the middle of it, with my Bigness hanging out having a heyday.  I got to see it and feel it with all of my sensitivity that I realized was actually a gift.

There are some pretty good movies out there, with great special effects.  But they ain’t got NOTHING on this.

I felt I belonged on the set of Avatar.

All of this, while I’m walking through a busy downtown.  The bigness, the swirls of energy around me, the connections, the strength found in each person who speaks their truth and the collected strength we all gain from them.  The songs, beauty, joy that it weaves into the etheric.

In the unseen spectacle that was unfolding all around and within me, I felt acceptance of all that I was.  I did not feel sorry about any of the things that make up me.  How I can sometimes be “too much”.  That I can be intense.  That I can be stubborn.  That I can be DRAMATIC.  That I offend.  That I am loud.  That I am emotional.  That I am sensitive.

And with that acceptance, I was able to release all judgments of myself and others.  Because the immensity of beauty and power that came from people being real, made me only love all of those differences in them.  And how alone, they may not make any sense, but from the view of how they fit with the others. . . I saw that each was perfect.  And only seeing it from my Bigness, was I able to see and understand just how perfect and precise each person was.  Each complimented the other in ways that could never have been guessed at the individual level.

We don’t need to change each other.  We don’t need to fix anything.  Let go of thinking that if others would do this or that, *then* things would be better for all of us.  We *only* need to be who WE are inside.  Be ALL of who you are.  Embrace it, love it, share it.  Bring it to the table.  Everyone.

Join, the very literal, Symphony of Life.  Finding you and being the full expression of YOU is all that is being asked.  Not what you were conditioned to think is you, not what you think you are supposed to be.  Being “good” is over rated.  Being “nice” is over rated.  Being a “giver” is over rated.  Listen inside to what you feel and let *that* out.

You will know when you’ve hit the part of you that is real, underneath all the masks and conditioning.  You will know, because it will be like a breath of fresh air.  It will be like experiencing life for the first time.  You will wish for more of it.  You will become greedy for it, because you have been starving for it.  It is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  It is like a good stretch after an awesome nap.  It will feel like you’ve finally found the road home, and as soon as you recognize it… you’ll start sprinting.

There are many of us beginning to gather on this road home.  I hope to see you there.  Your presence makes the song that much more beautiful for all of us.

I Know That I’m Not Always There

This came from a place in me that was deeply wishing to tell so many people who I have met and known, how much they mean to me still.  I’ve never really been someone who stays in touch with others once life takes us in different directions.  I know how it can appear to others, and I tried to change it. But I couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried.

“Am I just heartless? . . . Am I running? . . . Why am I like this?”

The answer for me, is that I still feel them with me no matter where my journey takes me.  All I have to do is think of them, and there they appear within my heart and it’s like we never parted ways.  I can literally feel their presence.  I can feel all kinds of communication going on between me and them.  Funny times we shared together, hopes, dreams, troubles, struggles…

It’s not that I no longer care about people once we’ve parted ways. . . nothing could be further from the truth.  But I know. . . I feel in a very real way, how we are always connected.  And I know and respect how we each have our path to follow, and that it may mean coming and going out of each other’s lives in order to fulfill that path. . . but we are never, ever. . . not even in death, actually apart from each other.

There are so many more ways to be in touch with each other than we’ve even begun to imagine.  So, maybe another way for me to look at it is, it’s not that I don’t contact people from my past who have gone in different directions. . . it’s just that it is in ways not yet recognized.  But until that day comes, I’d like you to know that:

I know that I’m not always there

I know that I’m not always there
And I seem to just come and go
But in my heart is a constant song singing
Of the love I feel for everyone I’ve known
This world has made fools of us all
With its fancy space and time
Distracting us from the truth in our Hearts
And our Inner Sunshine
It turns our life path invisible
And makes us believe things that aren’t true
Like that we are ever separated
Or that I don’t love you
I carry each of you with me
Where ever I go
Because in my heart is a constant song singing
Of the love I feel for everyone I’ve known