Been Feeling a Little Sensitive Lately?

I have so far made a conscious effort to keep Astrology out of my posts, because it can be off-putting to people.  But I feel like it now.  (Key word here is *feel*.)

We have a big pile of planets that have moved over into Cancer, having just come over from Gemini where the emphasis has been for a while now (a little over a year).

Gemini is an air sign, meaning it’s focus is the mind or intellect.  Gemini makes connections to things.  (I’m a Gemini Sun… I intellectually make connections between things.)  It’s also known for being the social butterfly, it’s about multi-tasking, flitting here and there and everywhere.  It’s also about communication and all the means of doing so.  It’s  about your immediate environment and community and the things you do within it.  It’s basically, the epitome of our current culture of social media.

Now. . . comes the energy of Cancer.  And you’ve most likely noticed a kind of shift recently, but didn’t (or couldn’t) attribute it to anything really.  Maybe just a feeling that things feel different.  You are most likely experiencing, first hand, what it feels like when planets shift signs.

Cancer is ruled by the Moon (all signs are *ruled* by a planet. . . means they go together, in many ways represent each other).  Moon is our comfort, our past, our memories.  Moon typically represents our moms, nurturing, home life.  It’s our feelings.  (Oh NO!  Not those!!!!)

So in plain English, we’re moving from an energetic focus on the intellect/mind/thinking to one of feelings/sensitivity/emotions.  We’re going to be seeking/wanting comfort.  A lot of us will become more and more like homebodies.  We’ll be more interested in being at home and with our family, then going out to the club.

But the reason I bring it up is because Mercury, the planet of communication (Gemini is ruled by Mercury. . . so the things I mentioned above can be included in the understanding of Mercury) is in Cancer. . . and it’s about to go retrograde.

I’ll wait while everyone cracks their Mercury retrograde jokes.  : /

A planet going retrograde (Mercury isn’t the only one that does it, just the most frequent and obvious to us), means that we’re really close to the planet and from our viewpoint here on Earth, it *appears* to be going backwards as we pass each other.  You know, like when you’re sitting in a car or train. . . and the car or train next to you starts moving. . . and for a second you aren’t sure which of you is moving and in which direction?  It’s a little bit like that.

When that’s happening, there is an emphasis or more of an intensity in regards to that planet.  It’s like it is getting all up on us with a megaphone and booming into our ears. 

C R I N G E

Mercury retrograde in general can mean miscommunications, misunderstandings, delays in commute, issues with email, phones. . . even your data. (A shout out to all my data analysts out there. . . triple check your numbers!)  Expect delays.  Bring things to do when you go to appointments, because even if you happen to not be late yourself . . . the place may be running behind in appointments.

This mercury retrograde in particular, is in Cancer.  Us and our feelers.  Our comfort zones.  Cancer can be very sensitive, moody, closed off.  But under that crab shell is a big, old, loving softy (you will totally want to keep that in mind during this time).  This means, the misunderstandings and miscommunications are going to be focused around our feelings and emotions. People are most likely going to be more touchy, defensive, emotional, sensitive than usual.  I’m guessing some hurt feelings are going to be involved.

One thing retrogrades are great for, is in going back and clearing up anything that got missed the first time the planet went through that area.  So, the things we’ve just had happen with where Mercury just went through in the sky. . . now is our chance to re-do.  Do it again, but this time, slow down and take your time to get it right.  It’s like getting a second chance, so take that opportunity.

If there’s confusion or misunderstanding currently under way, instead of going at it in the same manner you usually do, take this opportunity to take a time out. . . some deep breaths. . . and take a fresh or new approach.  The feeling coming to me regarding this is, give each other a break.  Stuff has most likely gotten fucked up recently as all these planets came crashing into Cancer after being in Gemini.  Mid-stride we went from thinking with our heads to thinking with our emotions and people are becoming emotional train-wrecks all over the place (and all things Gemini/Mercury have become a big pile of WTF?)

That is how we experience the planet’s influences in our day-to-day lives.  Everything is frequency and vibration (sound), including the planets.  Everything vibrates at its own frequency and sends that outward. . . and it inevitably interacts as those frequencies interact with other beings/planets/etc.  Something does not go uninfluenced when the vibrations of one entity interact with the vibrations of another entity.  

Saying the planets have no influence on us, is like saying humans interacting with other humans have no impact on any of us.  Silly rabbit.

Each planet has its own frequency. . . and with thousands of years observation (among other things), we’ve gotten a pretty good idea of how each planet’s frequency feels or responds when interacting with Earth and her peeps.  And they cycle over and over. . . and when you are paying attention to it. . . you are able to start seeing the connections with how you’re experiencing life, and what’s happening in the heavens. . . and that they *do* correlate.  And as an analyst, when it really hit home for me one day how very, VERY much they correlate. . . well. . . it was a very Cancer/Moon-like moment.  = )

I have a huge emphasis of Gemini/Mercury and Moon energy in my natal chart.  You see how much I write! (very Gemini), but also how emotional I can be (very Moonish).  Gemini’s themselves are moody creatures, flinging from sunshine and bubblegum to evil incarnate all in one hour.  So adding the Moon emphasis, was a little bit of an overkill from the universe in my opinion.  (And made that extra fun with Neptune being conjunct my moon. . . . but that’s a story for another day).

However, I bring that up because this energy and transition we’re in, going from Gemini to Cancer. . . is one that I’ve been trying to find a balance with my whole life. . . so I completely get how crazy the world at large may be feeling within in.  Trying to get your mind and feelings to play nice with each other is completely counter-intuitive.  It causes a kind of compartmentalizing.

If I’m thinking. . . my feelings are cut off so that I can remain objective.  If I’m feeling my feelings, I can’t be thinking straight.  It’s like a switch that goes between the two. . . but never both at the same time.

Thinking —-> Feelings – NO!

Feelings—–> Thinking – NO!

It’s tricky. . . but. . . you CAN do both.  It feels like walking on a tightrope going across the Grand Canyon. . . but it can be done.  I’ve been practicing it during my posts.  In To Love and Be Loved. . . I experienced something completely amazing and very related to my emotions and feelings… like really, really down deep in them. . . and I ALSO was able to keep open enough to observe with my mind.  I was then able to write and communicate that experience, into a blog post.

That is an example of being able to do *both* of those things at once.  Observing, learning, writing, communicating, sharing = Gemini/Mercury and feelings/loved ones/memories/comfort/nurturing = Cancer/Moon.

So. . . maybe at this time it will be easier to write out what you feel instead of talking about what you feel.  It forces you to slow down.  You can go your own pace.  I know when I’m trying to communicate my real feelings… the ones deep down inside, I have to type really damn slow in order to not shut off to those emotions while in the middle of typing.  As soon as I quit feeling them. . . I stop and bring them back up and consciously/actively hold the space open for them to come through.  It will train and teach your body how you need to be in order to make space for both.

As you can see, my Gemini has gotten away from me and I’m writing a novel.  So I’ll wrap this up.

While Mercury, Venus, and the Sun (all currently in Cancer) won’t be in there for real long, Jupiter. . . the big dude. . . has also moved there – and he’ll be there for about a year.  So the influence isn’t going away for a bit.  Btw, Jupiter is a planet that *expands* where ever and whatever it’s in.  It’s a planet of blessings and opportunities.  But, there’s a thing as too much of something and that’s where Jupiter can cause some issues.  Case in point —> my natal Jupiter is conjunct (right next to each other. . . which kind of makes it one big ball of similar energy vs. two distinct energies) my Sun in Gemini.  What’s one problem I tend to run into when writing (a very Gemini activity)?  I can’t seem to stop!!!  Look at how long some of my posts go!!  

But it’s also a blessing (thanks, Jupiter) because it’s something I have a lot of, and has helped me learn *how* to write my deep feelings and *how* to be able to continue feeling them as I write. . . because I can’t help it.  I *must* communicate, I *must* share. . . and I feel emotions super strongly and often, so it was almost a guarantee that I’d learn how to make these two get along – otherwise I would self destruct.  I have had many, many ungraceful moments in my learning curve and I stick my foot in my mouth more than any one person should, and I’ve had to eat crow pie I don’t know how many times.   So it’s not been pretty, but it was kind of a guarantee.

{Awkward silence}

: D

The One Affects the All and the All Affects the One

I wanted to delve further into a topic that has come up on its own a couple of times now (And Here We Are and A Little Disclosure).  This is not something I had previously thought out before writing it.  It just pounced into my writing like it had a god given right to be there, and who am I to argue?

The One Affects the All and the All Affects the One

This concept comes from somewhere deep inside of me that seems pretty hell-bent on getting this idea across, because so far any time I get within range of a subject meandering in its territory. . . it takes the opportunity and devours it like a Lion on a Zebra.  {I have no idea why I just capitalized Lion and Zebra. . . don’t ask obvious questions when I’m trying to look smart.}

I’m going to quote the latest I said while in that territory just to get the ball rolling:

How the general population views a group of people AFFECTS THOSE PEOPLE.  It energetically affects them.  Imagine wisps of energetic strings that look very much like fine spider webs.  And imagine those are connected between all of us and our environment.  And when you have a large group of people with a certain perception of a group of people. . . that it relays it down those fine wires to those group of people and they feel it and experience it and are subconsciously affected by it.  Your misunderstanding and misperception of those people HURTS THOSE PEOPLE.

Just in case you’re new in town, here’s the down-low about me.  I’m very intimate with the energetic world.  I was lost in the sauce for a good portion of my life because of being too aware of energies around me, visions, and a lifetime of lucid dreams.  In addition, because of being so sensitive to these things, I *also* had a hard time understanding myself, others, and how we were separate from each other.  Until my late twenties. . . I didn’t understand the concept that I was actually a separate individual from the rest of the herd.  (That is probably a whole ‘nother post all by itself.)

The last decade has been spent in earnest tearing apart everything I thought I knew, and understanding 1) who I am and how I am separate from others and 2) discerning the many different subtle energies I pick up and how they are connected to the *seen* world (aka “reality”).

I’m still learning.  I’m still surprised on a regular basis.  I had no idea that everyone didn’t experience life like I did.  It is *still* shocking to me.  I once had a short period of time where I went “offline” and wasn’t getting my usual visions and energetic connection information.  I felt blind, deaf, and dumb.  I cried a lot more than usual.  And I have a new-found understanding and a sort of respect love for people who aren’t connected into the ethers like me and get through life just fine, because I honest.to.god do not know how they suffer navigate life without it.

So where was I? Ah, yes.

Wispy spider webs.

{Just a sec, I’m in the middle of eating a popsicle.}

{Yum}

Okay, so anyways, I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “We are all one”, and maybe (like me) you’ve heard it so often that you almost feel yourself want to vomit up your lunch when you hear it now.  It’s been said to death.  And really, what does that mean at a practical day to day level?  Does it mean that all ya’ll are going to also help me with my grocery shopping and help pay my bills?  No?  Awwww.  : (

Well, when tuning into the energetics, I get a slightly different perception.  And that is that we are all connected.  I am me, and you are you.  We are not “we” per se, but we are an us.  (I just went all Alice in Wonderland on your ass).  What I’m actually trying to say, is that we are all individuals within a collective whole.  Cells that make up a larger body.

There are these gossamer threads, that very much resemble the threads of a spider -web (but a little more magical), that connect things in the world together.  I guess like the internet, or telephone lines, or even the synapses in a brain. . . but a much more sophisticated type of technology.  It relays information between everything.  Feelings, thoughts, sounds, visuals, etc.  Packets of real-life information.  It can drop off and attach where ever we send our “feelers”.

If I’m thinking about Jay, it relays that information straight to him via our little webby connection.  He may in that same instance think of me for a brief moment.  It’s like getting poked on facebook (but less weird).  If you are sensitive/aware of these things… you can actively work with it.

It works on a larger scale too.  If you are a part of the “American” group, and the overall opinion from the “Rest of the World” is that “Americans” are assholes. . . whether it’s true or not. . . any people, who at any level identifies with being an American. . . will at the energetic level. . . get *pinged* with that data packet.  If you’re aware of it, you can work with it.  You could dismiss it (block it) or you could send one back {fuck you} or {I am love}. . . whatever you choose.

Kind of let that soak in for a moment.

{Contemplating another popsicle, because oh my gosh the last one was delicious.}

{Popsicle nomming has commenced.}

Okay, back to seriousness.

I happen to be a person who is greatly affected by what other people think about me.  People, in a kind and loving effort to pull me out of a crying funk will say to me, “Don’t let what others think of you, bother you.”  And I wish it was that simple.  I am pinged with it immediately.  Someone thinks I’m rude.  I feel “you’re rude” and the associated feelings/information they have about that coming from the person.  It makes me cry.  I try to not show it to anyone.  I’ll keep an expressionless face until I can get somewhere alone where I feel safe before I’ll let myself bawl.  But there it is.  And sometimes, I don’t make it to somewhere safe.  There are countless times when I’m sitting at my desk with a handful of Kleenex trying to frantically remove all signs of a complete mini meltdown before someone walks by.

Call it emotional immaturity if you like.  It’s just a part of how I’m wired, and I’m not sorry for that. . . but I am regularly embarrassed by it.

Even if you aren’t sensitive to energies, you are still affected by these things.  They still have an impact to your life.  And the things you say and do, impact others in this way as well.

That’s how we hurt ourselves when we hurt others.  That’s how we hurt others when we hurt ourselves.  We are constantly sending and receiving all of this information to and from each other individually and all over the world.  Retaliating or getting revenge or “getting mine” is like punching yourself in the face over and over.  Really stupid.

There are so many other things and ways this affect all of us individually and collectively. . . but I think I’ve given the general idea of what I’m trying to say.

The cool thing about it is, it works for all types of feelings/thoughts.  Including the kind and loving ones.  But you can’t just say or pretend think kind things, you have to really be feeling them in order for them to travel the wisps (web was already taken, so I had to think of something else).  But that’s not to say that you deny or try to repress the not so nice things.  Sometimes, that’s exactly what is needed for the moment.

Ok.  It’s after 2am here, so it’s time to take my popsicle eating ass to bed.

Expressing the Inexpressible

Imagine yourself very still.  Your breathing very slow and stable.  For whatever reason, for this moment you’re able to suspend your stress and worries.  You take a deep, satisfying breath.  You aren’t thinking about what you should be doing.  You are fully surrendered to this moment and the feelings.  You are so still, that your body is able to release any tension it’s holding. . . it is also able to surrender, because it recognizes that it is in a safe space and doesn’t need to be ready to protect or defend the body. . . it can let go.

In this space, of complete quiet and stillness, another feeling begins to surface.  One that seems very familiar. . . but that you haven’t felt in so long that you almost mistake it for anxiety.  You keep expanding the space of your awareness to make room for this feeling.

You find that it is in fact, something you stuffed down a long time ago in order to survive.  It’s a warmth. . . it’s a joy. . . it’s a feeling at the most sensitive and subtle levels.  You are almost scared to let it through, because you know how hard it is to be in this energy and in the “real” world.  But you miss it so much, that you indulge yourself, even if just for a few minutes. . . just so you can feel it again.  It feels like home.

So you surrender to it, accepting any consequences that come with feeling it.  It starts to fill you up.  You’re having to be very brave and open, even as you feel scared and want to tighten and close yourself up to protect yourself.  But as you pull off this little miracle and experience it for the first time in a long time, you remember it.  And you understand why it was necessary to push it away earlier in your life.

Every sense is so magnified and  intensely felt. . . that the smallest movement. . . the most subtle of gestures. . . . sends waves of sensations rippling through you and outward beyond the physical you.  If you move too fast or too strongly. . . your system and senses go into overload and everything “blanks” out or goes numb.

You remember that it’s not that you don’t feel anything. . . it’s that you feel so incredibly much, that you are regularly in overload. . . and have come to believe that *that* is how you are.  But it’s not true at all.

Your true way of being is such, that the smallest of things can bring you the most immense amount of pleasure and feeling.  But if you move too much, too fast, too strongly. . . you go into overload and are unable to feel anything.

But when you are in that space. . . you would be able to sit next to your beloved. . . in a still and quiet environment. . . within inches of each other and not touching.  And ever so slowly moving. . . as if neither of you are moving. . . towards each other.  All you intend, is to just kiss. . . to just simply touch lips.  That is all.  But from this still space where you are tuned into yourself and feeling every little thing. . . in those minutes that tick by as you both slowly lean and move towards each other. . . is the most intense and insane pleasure you have ever felt.  You feel like your nervous system almost can’t handle the energy surging through you.  You have no wish to rush it, because any sense of pushing, controlling, or rushing the movement. . . is to pull you completely out of the feeling and into numbness.  And you don’t ever, ever want to be out of that feeling.

So you discipline yourself.  You continue to stay open to it, while breathing very slowly and staying focused in that quiet space so as not to break the spell.  You trust that your partner is doing the same for themself, and by both doing so. . . you harmonize your energies and become in sync. . . so you’re able to fully trust and surrender to the experience.  You move into a space outside of time.  Have you been doing this for 5 minutes?  15 minutes?  An hour?  Eternity?  Who knows.  Who cares.  Because it’s all you care about in that moment.

As you get closer, you have to move even slower and become even more disciplined in your stillness and breathing because the intensity has become almost more than you can endure.  So the timelessness and heavenly bliss that is coursing through every inch of your being and beyond, continues as you both hover within a breath of each other’s lips. . . almost afraid that you won’t be able to handle what happens when you finally actually touch.  The energy and anticipation building.  Eyes closed so you can maintain focus, your lips finally touch . . . and you feel like your heart is about to explode out of your chest and like you’re going to start bawling and crying at the sheer beauty of the moment.    The beauty, intensity, transcendence of the feeling . . . is beyond anything you’ve ever experienced while in body.

And you know and remember, that *this* is your true way of being and feeling.

But then you step outside, and your senses are bombarded by the pollutions and noise. . . cars and airplanes sound like they’re within inches of you and screeching at top volume.  Even the sound of the electrical wires are buzzing too loudly.  Someone yells across to a neighbor down the road, and it feels like a metal rake being scraped down your skin.  Honking, clanging, yelling . . . everything feels like a personal assault on your person.

Your whole body tenses trying to protect you, as your nervous system goes into overload and suddenly you don’t feel anything.  You can’t feel the good anymore.  You feel cold and cutoff from yourself.  You feel irritable, frustrated, angry, confused.

Someone asks you what is wrong.  You want to tell them. . . but you communicate from that sensitive space. . . the one where you are connected into everything and sense every little subtle movement in energy and intuitively understand what is being communicated. . . and with your senses being assaulted and shut down. . . you are unable to voice what is going on within you.  You don’t know how to express the magnitude of what is happening inside of you.  There are no words to describe it.  So maybe you say something like, “I feel scared” or “I feel overwhelmed” or “I feel numb” . . . but all of those things are far from what is really going on.

And the person may respond, “Yeah, well we all feel that.” or   “You have to get over it.” or “You aren’t the only one.”

And not knowing, that the other person doesn’t experience or feel the world like you do, you take it out on yourself.   “Wow… I must really be a big baby.  What is wrong with me?  Why can’t I handle things like everyone else….”

This is how every single day of life has been for me.

I don’t speak in monotone because I’m not feeling things or because I’m robot like. . . but because I feel so IMMENSELY . . . the *only* way I know how to communicate without breaking down into a slobbery, snot everywhere, ugly crying face way. . . is to be very, very disciplined.  And this requires me to speak in a straight monotone way in order to keep it all under control.

I’m not stiff and rigid in my bearing because I’m an emotionless bitch, but because I have so MUCH that wants to burst out of me.  Dance, movement, swaying, hopping, skipping, swinging, twirling.  I’m sooooo not kidding when I say I wish real life was like a musical.  I feel like I could sing and dance to everything I do in life.

But do you know how *crazy* that looks?  I already feel like I’m on the outskirts of society. . . I haven’t quite been brave enough to jump head first off the last cliff that keeps me somewhere in the tolerable zone.

But I wanna.  I wanna dance and skip and sing out loud and out of tune.  I truly have a song constantly singing in my heart and it takes everything I have to not continually express that in my everyday life.  I don’t want to hide it anymore. . . but I don’t know *how* to be like that out in the world and my everyday life. . . and be able to withstand the rejection from others.  Because I can feel it.  I’m trying to be strong enough to do it anyways.

Because being me, how I am naturally. . . there’s nothing like it in the whole wide world.  It feels like I just won the lottery every minute of every day when I am able to be like this.  So I have high motivation.  But. . . my sensitive nervous system. . . arrrgghhhhhhh!!

Deep breath.

So. . . if you happen to see some silly woman on the street. . . swaying and dancing to a song that only she hears. . . try to find it in your heart to withhold judgment and maybe even smile at her, so she knows she is supported by at least one person.  And hell, if you’re feeling extra rebellious. . . join her for a moment in her dance.  And make it the new normal.

: D

There Are More Things in Heaven and Earth. . .

Sometimes I feel I am my own worst enemy.  I can work my inner world up into a lather over nothing.  Add in a little sleep deprivation and I’m ready for my own spotlight in a three-ring circus.

Instead of seeing a world of potential friends, I see a world of people that I need to defend myself against.  As I’ve mentioned in a previous post, people scare me.  And I want to understand more about that, because it greatly affects how I live my life and my day-to-day decisions.  It colors my whole world.  I’m actually pretty happy to even be aware of this feeling.  It’s one of my “blind” spots. . . I used to have no idea that this was my basic approach to life.

When I say people scare me, I don’t mean when I see a person I tremble and run and hide and quiver.  What I mean, is when I’m interacting with people, there is this basic instinct to put up a steel wall to protect myself. . . as if every person I  meet is actively trying to kill me.  I know.  A bit extreme.  But there it is.

So I want to try and talk through it right now to see if I can help understand it better, and I’d like to share with you as I do this.  Because I don’t want walls up between me and others anymore. . . it’s way too lonely.  (Learning from my son.)   : )

Inside of me is a super, duper, hyper-sensitive vulnerable person.  I feel everything around me.  I feel other’s feelings as if they were my own, and in fact, it took many years of observation and discipline to separate out what things in me were mine and what belonged to my environment and others.

If I walk into a room that at one point had something traumatic or intense happen (such as a very angry/aggressive fight) I will pick it up in my body.  I will feel the anger or rage expressed, and I will also simultaneously feel helpless and scared (whoever was being raged at) as if they were my own.  You can imagine the insanity a person would live with if they were unaware that they were picking up on something in their environment.

The same with people.  When I was 16, it seemed to sharpen considerably.  I first noticed something was “weird” about me when I hopped onto a transit bus.  There were about 3 other people sitting far away from each other.  I was feeling particularly sensitive this day.  I walked past the first person, and I was hit with what felt like a very thick, black blanket of depression and hopelessness.  I physically felt myself be pushed towards the ground as if gravity had suddenly increased strength.  I felt like I was shoved into a black pit of heavy emotions.  I had tears spring in my eyes and I kind of wanted to die just to make it go away.

I kept walking down the aisle of the bus, and came across another person on my left.  I was suddenly lifted from the dark, black, heavy hole into one of lightness and even a feeling of wanting to hum a tune and bob my head as I did so.

I kept walking and passed the third person.  I suddenly felt less like humming and felt my whole body tighten up.  I felt the warmth leave my body and I felt anxiety and fear.  I even felt some paranoia.  I wanted to run and hide.

So I just kept going all the way to the back of the bus and sat down.  And kind of freaking out because at the time, I had no idea what had just happened.  I was feeling a little bit crazy.  I didn’t figure it out that day, but as I sat on the back of the bus, I took in all of the information of the situation so that later I could continue to work out what had happened.  Now, it seems obvious… but at the time, the idea that a person even *could* feel other people as themselves, wasn’t even a part of my understanding of reality.

So, I can see how this set me up to instinctively put up a guard whenever I’m around other people.  I spent decades first understanding my sensitivity, and then learning discernment between all of the things I picked up and experienced, understanding who I was underneath all of these things I picked up (and had previously thought *was* me), and now. . . I’m trying to learn how to be me, even as I walk into a world that bombards my senses, and not become overwhelmed and lose myself again.

It can happen in a second.  When I’m talking to people, I’m picking up an insane amount of energetic information.  Trying to hold onto my own feelings and thoughts and who I know myself to be, while simultaneously picking up the things they are feeling and experiencing can feel downright impossible.  When I’m talking to a person, I actually have a lot going on inside of me that I’m trying to manage on top of trying to be present and listening to the person.

I’m continuously processing all of the energetic information as quickly and efficiently as possible so that it doesn’t overwhelm me.  So that I can, for the most part, look like a normal, sane person.  And I can quickly become scared if I start feeling overwhelmed and like I’m starting to lose the feeling of myself.  This is where I start getting defensive.  This is where I’ll start snapping at people.

Learning boundaries and how to speak up for myself (that I even have a right to speak up) has been my saving grace.  When I say, “Please give me a moment to process this.”, I’m not trying to be difficult or even contemplative, I’m trying to catch up in filtering through all the information flooding all of my senses and that I’m not *able* to continue conversation, etc.  If the person insists, I don’t hear a single thing they say because I’m in full processing mode.  You know like when your computer says all the resources are in use and it freezes… that’s what is happening to me.

And some of the fear when interacting with people, is that I don’t feel confident that I know how to handle the situation when these things happen to me.  I don’t feel like explaining to every Tom, Dick, and Harry about my sensitivities.  But I don’t know how to explain why I have to do things like I do things without looking like a stubborn ass.  But I’m so tired of trying to pretend that I’m not dealing with all of this all of the time, and I’m so tired of being misunderstood.

How do you explain to a world that only appreciates and believes in things that are picked up by the 5 senses, that you are constantly aware and sense a whole ‘nother world and not be laughed at or dismissed or minimized?  I can see, smell, hear, see, feel things that a good majority of the planet is in debate about  even existing.

By day, I’m a digital analyst.  I have a good head on my shoulders.  I’m very grounded in this world.  But.  There is far more to this reality than you can even imagine.  There is a whole *unseen* aspect that is completely dismissed in mainstream culture.  By doing so, we are dismissing a great deal of who we are too.  We are not just the things our 5 senses pick up.  We are far, far more than that.

So, I think my fear of people, is that when I’m around them, I feel like I have to hide (bury, kill?) half of who I am.  And I’m reaching a point where I can’t stand to do that anymore.  But there’s no vocabulary or dialogue to have those conversations and not make it awkward.  How do we bridge the gap between the two and make both a part of our everyday life?

Maybe that’s what I’m here to do.  Maybe that’s been the point all along of me being so grounded and of a scientific nature on one hand, but also being very aware of the energetic world and how it interfaces with “reality” and all the things believed impossible in our world.  It’s very much like seeing “the man behind the curtain”.

I don’t really know yet what my purpose is.  I’m just speculating and finding my way in the dark like everyone else.  And following the bread crumbs.  I know that it is very stressful for me to be around people for too long, and now I have a better understanding of why.  I know that I don’t want to feel lonely anymore and want to put my defenses down.  And I know that I can’t sacrifice or deny half of who I am.  Which means. . . I have to learn a new way of being.  I have to learn how to be all of me, even as I interact with people from all walks of life, in a way that is respectful and loving.

This is what I need in order to be able to live a life of just being who I am, so that I can put down my guard around others, without fear of losing myself . . . and start seeing a world of potential friends.

Thanks for sitting with me as I talked through this.  This learning how to put my guard down is pretty scary (terrifying) for me, and you being here helps me learn how to do that in a safe environment.  Here, have a { {H u g} }.

And here’s something just for giggles:

Apathy and Irony

When my eyes popped open this morning, the first thing I was feeling was that I wanted to change everything in my room.  Stuff has been the way it is in my room for years.  However, once my brain had a chance to kick in, I was plagued by a million reasons that was *not* going to happen today (or maybe ever).

Awww, but how come? : (

The word that came to mind was, apathy.  In fact that word has been creeping into my thoughts and conversations more and more in the last week.  I know basically what it means, but anytime a specific word decides to make a repeated appearance in my life, I figure I better give it some love and look it up.

Dictionary.com http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/apathy  says:

ap·a·thy

[ap-uh-thee]
noun, plural ap·a·thies.

1.  absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement.
2.  lack of interest in or concern for things that others find moving or exciting.

Ok, so I knew it was an absence of passion, emotion, etc… but interesting about the suppression of it.  I can definitely identify with that.  I have an overabundance of all of those things.  But, for the most part, I don’t know how to utilize that energy effectively around others.  Combine that with a tendency towards trying to push the spotlight away from myself in a panic (ack! please don’t see me!), and you’ve got yourself a recipe for suppression. . . apathy.

Well, cool.  I mean, yeah, I can see why this word is making itself known to me.

Still curious so let’s see what wikipedia has to say about it http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apathy :

They may lack a sense of purpose or meaning in their life. He or she may also exhibit insensibility or sluggishness.

Huh. Ok, well, what else?

In 1950, US novelist John Dos Passos wrote: “Apathy is one of the characteristic responses of any living organism when it is subjected to stimuli too intense or too complicated to cope with.   The cure for apathy is comprehension.

I’m intrigued, go on.

Social origin

There may be other things contributing to a person’s apathy. Activist David Meslin argues that people often care, and that apathy is often the result of social systems actively obstructing engagement and involvement. He describes various obstacles that prevent people from knowing how or why they might get involved in something. Meslin focuses on design choices that unintentionally or intentionally exclude people. These include: capitalistic media systems that have no provisions for ideas that are not immediately (monetarily) profitable, government and political media (e.g. notices) that make it difficult for potentially interested individuals to find relevant information, and media portrayals of heroes as “chosen” by outside forces rather than self-motivated. He moves that we redefine social apathy to think of it, not as a population that is stupid or lazy, but as result of poorly designed systems that fail to invite others to participate.[5][6]

Well.  That’s not what I was expecting to find when I went to find the definition of apathy.  That did a little circling around the entrance of the rabbit hole.

I love it.

This gives me something to chew on.  Before looking up what it meant, my impression of apathy was just losing that *spark* in life.  Doldrums.  Repetitive schedules that just continue on forever, and nothing ever changes…not really…so why bother.  A simple lack of passion.

But a suppression of passion, emotion, excitement… in a world full of overstimulation and intensity … and an economy that is only interested in input and contribution from its people that will make an immediate profit. . . now *that* shines some light on it for me.

What is important to me?  It’s kind of hard to know, because it’s kind of hard to hear through all of the busyness.  From morning, noon, and night, I’m bombarded with things trying to get my attention.  Me, as a person, is looked right through. . . as the things that bombard me are focused on what it is they stand to gain by getting my attention.  Trying to tell me what it is I need, want, should have, should do.  As if I have no needs, wants, would like to-dos of my own.  I am not a resource, number, target, or commodity.  I am a god.damn.human.being.

And as a human being I have feelings and emotions.  And no, they aren’t always rational or logical.  I think the biggest scam on the planet, is in getting us to believe that being strictly rational is equivalent to being civilized or advanced.  Denying our emotions and feelings, does NOT make them go away.  It just erupts in other, more “acceptable” ways. . . like . . . oh, I don’t know… WAR?

In our attempt to compartmentalize ourselves (keep work at work, and personal stuff at home) and be civil (calm down! and carry on.) and unoffensive to everyone (you know how sensitive those vertically challenged people can be), we have lost ourselves and who we are inside.  If being strictly intellectual and “scientific” is so civilized. . . then explain to me why the whole goddamn planet is falling apart, and very few people are happy?

I don’t WANT to compartmentalize myself anymore.  I am who I am, where ever I am, whenever I am, however I am.  I *want* to be able to feel strongly about something and not be ostracized from society.  I *want* to care out loud a lot.  I want to cry in public, and not feel like an emotional leper.  I want to sing when the moment comes upon me, and I want to dance when I get a case of the wiggles.  If I could break out into a full blown, goddamn musical in the middle of downtown, I would do it!

I am FULL of life!  I am a passionate woman!  I have joy, enthusiasm, and happiness just waiting to explode and share with every person who wants it.  I care.  I love.  I feel.  I am alive!  I make mistakes dramatically.  I laugh as fully and loudly as possible.  I take risks!  I try to make a complete and total ass of myself on a regular basis.  I am the world’s biggest goofball.  I am silly.  I have weird ideas. I’m scared of really dumb things.  I am idealistic.  I have dreams.  I have visions.  I have hope.  I have faith.  I believe in magic.  I believe in the impossible.  I do the impossible.  I think Excel spreadsheets are pretty damn cool.  I talk to my cats like they’re people.

I see so many opportunities and possibilities for things to be different and better.  I want to help be a part of that solution.  I want everybody to be able to laugh when they want and cry when they want.  I want everyone to find happiness.  I want everyone to know the joy of being who they are without judgement or fault.  I want everyone to be able to feel and to love and to be loved.  I want everyone to know what they want and what they value and be able to live a life that matches those things.  I want everyone to feel whole within themselves.  I want everyone to know peace and content.  I want everyone to feel self empowered and respected.  I want everyone to feel heard.

But most of all, I want everyone to feel that they have been seen and loved, for who they truly are.

I’m pretty sure that’ll help out with the apathy part.  : D

Turtle Rawr