Little Girl Giggling

Do you know what felt really good about doing yesterday’s post?

I got to express my feelings.  MY feelings.  My only thought when writing yesterday was, “What do I feel inside my heart?”  I wasn’t thinking about how it might make someone else feel.  I wasn’t thinking about what others might think of me.  I wasn’t trying to curb or hide my feelings so that others didn’t become concerned about my state of mind.  I simply expressed my very own feelings that I get to have and feel and hug.

Mine, mine, mine.

It feels really good to get to have and express feelings without judging them.  Without having to act on them.  Without having to defend or explain them.  Without worrying about someone else trying to take responsibility for them, or fix them, or try and tell me why I should or shouldn’t be feeling them.  {Big sigh of relief.}

They weren’t based on trying to skirt psychological criteria for various mental disorders in an attempt to not look psycho, crazy, or like I’m having a breakdown.  They weren’t based on an agenda or ulterior motives.  They weren’t any kind of attempt to make a point or model anything.  There was no focus on consequences, potential outcomes, or effects of my words.

They were purely and simply the feelings I was feeling in my heart.

Here’s the post btw, if you’re interested:  What Is In My Heart

It was freeing.  Moon in Sagittarius –> A need to feel free to feel what I feel.

Do you know what kind of sucked about yesterday’s post?

The absolute silence surrounding it.

Nobody was going to touch that post with a ten foot pole, fluff you very much.

I swear to god I could almost hear everyone stop breathing at once, and very carefully try to tip toe away without being noticed . . . that’s how bad the silence was.

I don’t even understand it, I never have.  This is quite common for me, btw.  I open and share my heart, and people scatter like cockroaches do when a light gets switched on.  While in the past it has led me to doubt my own feelings or wonder if something is wrong with me . . . anymore I’m very sure about what I feel deep inside me and I know there’s nothing wrong with it.

I can’t help but get the feeling that others are more focused on what I’m expecting in response from them, then they are about what it is they feel themselves.  Almost like people assume or think that I’m looking for comfort, help, love, advice . . . as if I’m something that is broken or in need of fixing.

Except . . . I’m not.  Unless I’m specifically asking for help or advice, that is not my reason for sharing things.  I just need to feel what I’m feeling, and I also have a need to share what those feelings are.  I don’t need help or advice because in the act of feeling and sharing what I do, it clears the situation for me and then I know exactly what I need to do.

What would be AWESOME, although I’m certainly not going to force anyone, would be if others would share what THEY are feeling inside.  I don’t need to know what you think or feel about what I wrote . . . what did it evoke and make YOU feel?  It doesn’t even have to be related.  If, while reading my post, it evoked an emotion or memory of your own and it doesn’t even seem related . . . share that!

When you truly share what you’re feeling without trying to explain it, or feel sorry for it, defend it, etc. . . . it feels magnificent!  It feels like a huge weight is taken off of you.

I don’t WANT people to praise or pay credence to my awesomeness (unless they truly feel it and that’s what they want to do).  What I want is for people to be able to feel and own their very own feelings.  Don’t make it about me or others.  Make it about you.  Relish in your feelings!  Roll around in them like a pig in manure.  Don’t judge them or try to see them as good or bad or try to see the other side or feel you have to justify them.

Just FEEL what you truly feel inside!

Feeling what you feel inside means focusing on just your feelings unattached to what anyone else thinks or feels.

With my Gemini Sun/Jupiter conjunction, I’m very mercurial in nature.  What I feel will change from minute to minute.  It’s where I shine.  With those two things in opposition to my Neptune/Moon conjunction in Sagittarius (a link to my natal chart here if you’re an astrologer and interested:  astrology) my feelings are all over the place.  That is both where I am at home and where I shine.  I must be allowed to feel whatever I’m feeling without it being a huge fluffing deal, or I will suffer greatly in health.

They flow through me.  They come and go.  While they are there . . . I express them . . . when it’s time for them to leave, I let them go.  This is as natural to me as breathing . . . and yet on paper it looks like I’m a mental bi-polar case.  That’s not seeing me for who I am . . . that’s being afraid of who I am and trying to control it or change it.  Just because it makes others uncomfortable (especially Capricorn energy), doesn’t mean it’s bad or wrong or needs to be repressed or changed.  That’s a limited and narrow way of viewing life.

Mercury is the trickster.  Anyone with Gemini or Virgo energy has this kind of nature in them, and I’m sure struggle in a similar way as I do.  Mercury is the understanding that nothing is permanent, and also that nothing should be taken so seriously.  This is in direct conflict with Pluto/Scorpio/8th house, where everything is deadly serious.  Everything is dead still.  What something is for one moment, is that way F O R E V E R !!!!!!!!

Mercury is all . . . “No.”

Gemini is about laughing at ourselves and not taking ourselves so seriously.  It’s about seeing paradoxes and contradictions in all of life.  Libra focuses more on moderation and balance between duality . . . Gemini is able to fly through, around, and between them like a master gymnast and is very comfortable there.  Like kids.  Kids are very Gemini in nature . . . very curious, very in wonder and in awe of the simplest things around them because it’s all new.

Kids say the darndest things . . . because they’re said in innocence.  They aren’t in a dark serious adult mood . . . they’re just saying what they’re actually seeing or observing in the environment around them.  “Why? Why? Why? But how come?” is Gemini.  The only absolute in the world of Gemini is that there are no absolutes.  If you try to pin them to any one thing or say, “but you said this and now you said this”, you will get nowhere with them.  Their response is most likely to be, “but in that moment I was feeling this and in this moment I’m feeling this . . . they are two different situations.”

It’s about being in the moment and being flexible.  It’s a constant state of opening to receive the moment . . . experience that moment (observe, watch, learn all you can about it while it’s there) . . . and then releasing that moment because you need to be open to receive the next moment coming in.  It is entirely possible to live in this way . . . in a conscious way . . . and have everything work out like magic without worrying or forcing things to be a certain way.  But it makes those who aren’t comfortable with this way of living . . . very, very, nervous.  And their nervousness about the Gemini’s way of being . . . makes Gemini feel very nervous about themselves.

So for me, this is all about getting to my true feelings (Sagittarius moon) and sharing with others (Gemini Sun).  If I have any intent, it’s in others sharing their true feelings (or even trying it out for the first time) and also sharing it with others (or trying it out for the first time).  Not about judging or psychoanalyzing (Pluto in Libra . . . conjunct my descendant) or even trying to help others with their feelings.  The point is just to even be aware of our OWN feelings and getting comfortable in sharing them despite other’s judgment and projections and analyzing.

I’ve done those things to others in the past . . . why? Well, because others were always doing it to me when I was younger.  I was just trying to be silly, playful, mimicking Gemini . . . but holy hell were the things I did taken so seriously and taken so completely out of context.  What I did wasn’t seen in innocence, but always as if I were some guilty master mind manipulator.  So I thought everything was much more serious than it really was, and that my feelings weren’t as innocent as I really felt inside . . . and it led to me disconnecting from my true self.

Well I’m reconnecting.  I’m going to feel what I feel and I’m going to share what I feel, even though it goes against everything we’ve been led to believe as a culture and society.  Even if I’m the only one who believes in my innocence and my mental stability.  Even if I’m left alone in my open heart sharing (which does hurt my feelers, btw) because nobody else is brave enough to do the same.

I hate being left alone.  But at least when I’m being true to myself and being who I am in all of my mercurial, open-hearted, silly, paradoxical ways . . . I’m truly happy and joyful in life.  Which is a lot more than I can say for the majority of humanity.

Here’s the way to read my posts whenever you start taking what I’m saying WAY too Life/Death serious . . . pretend there is a little girl hiding in plain sight (such as behind a sheer curtain with her legs poking out) . . . with her hands covering her mouth trying to stifle her giggles because she thinks she’s being way more clever than she is, but is having fun regardless.

That’s all that needs to be understood about me . . . I’m a silly . . . mischievous . . . giggling little girl at heart.

What Scorpio thinks of Gemini's flexible reality.

What Scorpio thinks of Gemini’s flexible reality.

I’m Retiring From Giving A Damn

I’ve had it.  I’m just done.  {With what? Tell us!  Tell us!}

I’m tired of analyzing things to death.  I’m tired of trying to figure out how to be me, but not break any of the fifty-eleven “rules” of what it means to be a considerate and respectful member of the human race, and tying myself into pretzel knots from head to toe.

Am I being offensive? Am I being fair?  Am I being respectful?  Am I being sensitive?

Well how should I know?  I can’t know that for everyone else.  Honestly, it’s a little on the ridiculous side for me to have such expectations of myself.

I’m tired of explaining . . . I’m tired of clarifying . . . I’m tired of trying to guess what’s going on with someone else.

That’s what I’m done with.

So here’s what’s going to happen for me.  I’m going to focus on my own feelings.  I’m going to do what feels good.  I’m not going to do what doesn’t feel good.

If it offends, is insensitive, or hurts someone’s feelings . . . then whoever that is can choose to speak up and say something to me or not.

Otherwise, I’m not going to waste anymore of my time trying to figure out what I may have or have not done to someone else.

To be perfectly honest, I just don’t care anymore.

Do I speak too much, do I not speak enough, why do others go silent, why don’t they say what they’re feeling, is it me, is it them, is it projection, is it projected . . . it’s fucking crazy making is what it is.

So I’m done.

I’m going to do what I do, and how I want to do it.  If others care to join along in the fun, then awesome . . . if not . . . fine.

I love people and I love having them in my life.

But I’m no longer going to bend over backwards to be so understanding of everyone else, and totally neglect my own feelings.  That’s just stupid.

I suppose I was being concerned that if I was just being myself, that nobody would want to be my friend.  And again, that’s just stupid.  And again again, I just don’t care anymore.

I’m done apologizing for myself.  I am who I am and you can either like me for that or . . . you can piss off.

I.don’t.care.

I do what I want

No Matter How Many Times I Fall, I Will Always Get Back Up

I had a thought provoking question asked of me that dovetailed nicely with a question I had asked myself last night as I fell asleep.  They were questions regarding my last relationship.

Driving into work (one of my ‘most likely to have an aha’ moment, 2nd only to the shower), the swirl of mess that I was trying to sort out suddenly cleared, and I was left with a single knowing or understanding within myself that hummed harmoniously . . . letting me know that I had found a Self Truth.

What attracts me to others?  I know there is a tendency to attract the part of ourselves that we don’t accept or reject.  (7th house)  But because my 7th house has been projectile puking projections on me since I was really young . . . those things people normally don’t accept about themselves and seek in others . . . I do see in myself and accept.  I have Uranus/Pluto there . . . I can be, and definitely am those things.  I am very clear about those being within me.  They scare me within me sometimes . . . but I see them.  I give them extra hugs.

My Venus and Mars in Aries are conjunct at 26 degrees.  I think this has more significance than I’ve realized.  My South Node is at 23 degrees Aries.  My feminine/masculine . . . they are together.  I know how to be whole.  I’m not bragging.  It’s not something I generally want people to know.  I tend to hide this, to protect it.  When I’m by myself and not in a committed relationship, I become peaceful and balanced inside.

I see Gemini as the one who reconciles duality.  Gemini is the sign of duality.  Gemini can be scattered and all over the place . . . and even moody . . . are you going to get the nice twin today, or the evil twin?  I have that Sun/Jupiter conjunction in Gemini.  (<– that’s like 20 people minimum) I then have those two in opposition to my Moon/Neptune in Sag.  An opposition is along the same lines as duality.  I have duality within duality within duality in my chart.  It is a chart of paradoxes.  For my sanity’s sake I have *had* to reconcile duality inside of myself.

I can see and hold so many angles and perceptions without conflict at one time, it should come with a circus soundtrack and confetti.

I am able to find peace . . . find happiness . . . find balance . . . all on my own.  I am able to self-nurture . . . I am able to defend myself.  Feminine/Masculine.  When you reach the kind of balance I have experienced, all of your needs are met within yourself.  I was genuinely joyful, happy, and full of life.  And it never ran out . . . it just kept welling up and through me.  So then my question to myself last night, was why did I bother getting involved in a relationship?  What was the point of that whole thing?  Why?

Which brings me back to my moment in the car.  The moment of clarity went a little something like this:

I felt so happy and whole before my last relationship . . . why would I leave that?  Now I’m having to limp myself back to that wholeness state . . . where I could’ve been anyways had I not got in the relationship.  That was stupid Jenn.  Why did you do that? {Puts one leg into her Wonder Woman underoos pants, careful to keep the other foot on the gas pedal of the car.}

Because I want a partner in life.  Not to help me become whole . . . but to be whole with me in life.  So why did you choose the person you did?  What was it about him that you saw?  {Carefully switching feet on the foot pedals of the car . . . starts to put other leg into her Wonder Woman underoos pants.}

: (  this is my owie getting ready to poke it’s head out.

While I love all of me . . . it’s been difficult finding someone who loves all of themselves.  And when someone doesn’t love and embrace all of who they are inside (and for real, not just to look good or to feel superior) . . . they aren’t okay with embracing and loving all of who I am.  And while I’m all for cooperating and finding a way that works for both (I actually tend to go a little too far in compromise much to my detriment) . . . what I’m not willing to do, is sacrifice who I am for another person.  {Scooches her underoos pants up over her jeans.}

So I get in a relationship . . . before long, I stop accepting who I am.  Yeah, the other person may blah blah blah and that has an influence on me having a harder time accepting myself.  But I don’t have control over them.  It’s my responsibility to keep accepting myself, even if it means the end of the relationship.  That’s not something someone else does to me. {Starts the task of getting her Wonder Woman underoos top on.  Over her sweater, need to look extra ridiculous.}

I live my life with my heart out on my sleeve.  That’s how I need to be.  I am strong . . . I am intense . . . I’m ridiculous . . . I’m silly . . . I can shift through 5 moods in one sentence.  For every single thing that I am naturally and at my core, I can find the negative side to them and the positive side to them.  The gifts and the curse.  I can see those in others too.  But I’m not seen back.  If the person isn’t aware enough . . . if the person doesn’t love themselves enough . . . if the person lives too much in fear . . . if the person identifies with their wound too much . . . if the person can’t see who they are under their own fear and worry . . . then they can’t see me.  {Underoos now on . . . straightening them out while keeping eyes focused on the road.}

And that makes me feel so alone in the world.

I self validate.  If they can’t self validate . . . then I become their crutch.

I self nurture.  If they can’t self nurture during times that I’m unable to be there for them . . . I become their drug.

I am guided by inner authority.  If they listen solely to authority outside of themselves . . . I don’t have their support in being and doing what it is I know I have to do.

I don’t want . . . no, I can’t become less than who I am in order to have a partner.  It’s not in me.  That’s not who I am.  My will to survive as ME will always win out in the end.  {Busts out the golden paper burger king crown she keeps stealthily hidden under the driver’s seat.}

I need someone as authentic, open, intense, and as powerful as me.  I need that so that I am allowed to be all of myself when I’m around them.  If they aren’t . . . I will inevitably have to sacrifice myself in order to have a partner.  That’s not the other person’s fault . . . that’s just the fact of the matter.

I can only find that by being unapologetically me when I’m with someone, and letting them be responsible for their responses to me and both working through the things that come up.  {Waits for a stoplight to assemble the gold crown.}

But that’s where my fear resides.

How many times can a person, being who they are, be rejected . . . and continue to love themselves?  Especially when they’re the only one believing in themselves.  I don’t want to be self-delusional, so every time that happens I tear myself apart to find my part and my responsibility in the situation, and I work hard to heal that part of me.

I get back to a place of balance and love for myself . . . I try again . . . I fall again.

I cycle through again . . . am I being delusional . . . am I being fair . . . is there something in me I’m doing that I’m blind to?  Rip . . . shred . . . no mercy.  Get back to a place of balance and love for myself.  Get back out there, and try again.  {Gets crown on.  Checks in mirror.  Hair sticking out everywhere?  Check.  Ears sticking out like a dork? Check.  Nods and smiles confidently.}

I have been doing this for as long as I can remember.

I fall, I pick myself back up, and I try again.  I fall, I pick myself back up, and I try again.  Always changing.  Always improving.  Always taking responsilibty for my part.  Always looking at the situation from the other person’s point of view.  Refining my rough edges.  I fall, pick myself back up, and I try again.

I have been absolutely ruthless with myself.

I have learned a lot.  I didn’t actually get to the full wholeness within myself until the Summer of 2012.  I found my personal magical combination that unlocked the real me inside.  And from there I could see I wished to have a partner to share life with, while in this awesome place of wholeness.  When I met the man from my last relationship, I saw that possibility.  The stars were aligned . . . everything magical came perfectly into place.

And then I fell.  Again.

But this time . . . something different did happen.  I did learn how to open my heart while in a relationship.  I learned how to overcome that fear of being who I am while I’m with someone.  That was a goddamn miracle all by itself.  But as with all Pluto lessons . . . I *still* have no control over other people.  Just because I got to that space myself . . . does not mean my partner automatically would. {At next stoplight, opens the glove box to pull out her long yellow yarn hair ribbon.  Nay . . . not hair ribbon . . . her lasso of Truth.}

And same lesson with my son . . . there’s nothing I can do about the other person.  I can love me with all my heart . . . I can love them with all my heart . . . but that does NOT mean, it will work out.  It doesn’t mean I will get my wish.

So this last smackdown still smarts.  The higher you go, the harder you fall.  But I had to take that risk.  I had to take that chance.  I didn’t want to live my life having to close my heart every time I got close to someone just because I’m terrified.  So I took the chance.  I still got rejected.  It’s not personal.  It hurts like hell, and I’m having to self nurture like I’ve never had to do before . . . but it wasn’t personal . . . he just wasn’t in that place . . . that’s nothing to do with me. {Parks car.}

So I am now picking myself back up.  I’m taking in the lessons learned.  I’m pulling myself back together . . . gaining back my strength . . . getting my feminine and masculine back in balance and talking nicely with each other.

This one smarted enough, that I have WAY less trouble speaking up for myself.  Which . . . is one of my “things” for this life.  The sabian symbol for my Sun sign at 12 degrees Gemini is:  “A Slave-Girl Demands Her Rights From Her Mistress“.  Where I stray . . . is when something happens that results in me having to be smaller and less than I am . . . I fold.  My brain tells me that it’s me “being fair” . . . after all this is a relationship and you can’t be so stubborn.

Well, fucking duh, Jenn.  You are stubborn.  Why is that so bad?  Why do you love your stubbornness alone . . . but suddenly it’s a problem around other people?  Why do you do that to yourself?  I misunderstood compromise and fairness.  It doesn’t mean you stop being that part of you . . . it doesn’t mean you hide that part of you around that person . . . it means you discuss it openly.  {Looking into the vanity mirror, starts putting on her Strawberry Shortcake lipgloss.  Now she’s ready.}

Anytime I’ve discussed a misunderstanding with another person, and we were BOTH open and receptive (vs defensive and arrogant) . . . a solution that was a great big win for both people was able to be found.  And in the process, each got an opportunity to step up their game and GROW as individuals.  But it only works when both are being open, honest, and willing to grow.

I’m not requesting that someone change for me.  I’m requesting that they grow with me.  You have to have a certain amount of humbleness and flexibility.  If you always have to be right . . . it won’t work.  If you think you’re perfect and I’m a spaz for constantly seeking to grow and improve myself . . . it’s not going to work.  If you don’t trust my motives or are suspicious of me . . . it’s not going to work.  If you’re not willing to take a chance and look like a TOTAL FOOL . . . then it’s not going to work.  {Gets out of her car . . . stands there for a moment with the car door still open, staring into the distance . . . contemplative.}

I’m not static.  I’m not a ONE, SINGLE, THING that you can tie me down with.  I will always . . . always continue to strive to grow and improve and change.  I don’t plan on one day saying, oh . . . I’m good . . . I’m going to just stop doing things now.  No.  That will never be me.  If you want someone who will always be one way, that’s not me.  If you want someone who will always be contained . . . that for fucking sure will never be me.  If you want someone who isn’t going to do embarrassing things . . . that will never be me.  {Puts a foot up on the door jam, looking like Captain Morgan on the Spiced Rum bottle.}

Ok . . . so I fell down again . . . and yeah I sometimes feel like a total ass for opening up like that and falling on my face.  But only for a few seconds.  I let myself feel embarrassed and humiliated . . . and then it passes . . . and then I see all the great awesome that I gained from it.  I see the places I could improve.  {Lifts chin up in strength, defiance, and resolve.}

And then I start getting my ass . . . back . . . up.  And I will try again.  The odds are totally in my favor.  One of these days . . . it will happen.  One day, I will find that someone who sees all of my insanity, my weird quirks, my intensity, my ugly face cry complete with slobber, my 5am get the fuck out of my face, my love and passion for life, my waaaay too fucking loud laughing, my big kid ridiculousness . . . and they will love me BECAUSE of all of those things.  {Wind starts blowing through hair.  Looking majestic as fluff.}

I just know it.  I just know one day I will find that person.  And until then . . . I’m not fucking giving up.

Some Scorpion Love.

Some Scorpion Love.

If You Think Your Poop Don’t Stink, Then You Can GTFO

It’s important for me to interact with others.  It’s from interacting with others, that I am able to see myself more clearly.

However for that to be effective, it requires a couple of things.

The person needs to have a certain amount of self awareness.  They need to have a working knowledge of who they are distinct and separate from the others around them. (<–why did I word that like a job description?  I am so weird.)

The person also needs to have a certain amount of openness and trust of others so that they aren’t so closed up and defensive about every little thing that comes out of someone else’s mouth (especially before attempting to understand what was actually meant by the person).

These things are important to me for many reasons.

I am effectively blind to myself.  I need feedback and reflections from others regarding what they see when they interact with me.  I know I have a 1st house full of Self.  But I also have very few aspects to that house from the rest of my chart, so it’s kind of an island out on its own.  I also have an asteroid (and if I have the time I’ll look up which oddball asteroid it is) in my 1st house, that basically describes just that . . . I can’t see me.  I don’t just have blind spots . . . I am completely invisible to myself.  I require the assistance of others to help me see me.

So . . . when I was younger, whenever someone said something to me about me I believed it.  I tried it on for size to see how it fits.  It gave me something to work with, where as before I had nothing.  Eventually I would find all of the ins and outs of what I was told, as well as how much was true for me and how much was actually true for the other person.

My initial motive and interest with others in life, was for no other reason than to *see* myself.  Not in being better than others.  Not in being less than others.  Not in having power over others.  Not for the million reasons that have been projected onto me for why I am like I am or why I do what I do.  In the past, I have been the scapegoat and evil villain in many stories . . . and I did believe them to be true (for the reasons others gave) because I had not been shown that I was anything other than that.

I feel like I have lived life a little inside out from others.  Like I backed into life upside down and inside out.

My 7th house has Uranus in Scorpio and Pluto conjunct the descendant in Libra.  The others in my life, were not very open and honest about what was really going on.  They were completely focused on looking good for others, not in being honest, open, and real.  So these are the people I looked to growing up, in order to understand who I was.  I was very reliant in feedback from them to know myself.  I did not know that they weren’t being open and honest with me.  I didn’t understand that sometimes things are said out of fear or anger and aren’t necessarily true.

So, if in a fit of rage someone were to direct it at me and say, “You are so fucking stupid!”  . . . I fell apart inside, because I was wide open and accepted everything as truth.  The naiveté of Aries.  It went straight to my core, it became my identity.  I couldn’t readily undo it.  I might walk around for months hearing that yelled in my head and feeling crushed because I was such a disappointment.

Now is that the fault of the person who did it?  Not really.  I mean, yeah it’s a pretty crappy thing to yell at a kid . . . but the missed opportunity in that moment when I was younger, was in it being explained to me that the yelling had everything to do with what was going on inside that person and was their thing to own and understand.  And that my response to what they had done, had to do with something going on inside of me that would be valuable for me to learn more about . . . to become aware of and understand for myself.

The person yelling, cannot be held solely responsible for how everyone else responds to them.  How can that one person keep in their head how every single individual is that they come in contact with (including ones they haven’t even met before), and adjust (hide, restrict, suppress) themselves accordingly in order to not offend or hurt anyone?  That’s absolutely insane.  And yet that’s exactly what most of us are taught to do.  (Is there any wonder that projection runs rampant in modern day society?)

But back to me.  (<– yep . . . I am the center of my universe.  Where else should I be . . . the center of your universe?  That’s silly.  That’s where you’re supposed to be.)

So anyways, growing up consisted of everyone throwing their shit at me.  From a very young age, I was first made aware of my dark side.   I grew up in a constant state of fighting to come to peace inside with the fact that I was the devil incarnate.  Not in a defensive way . . . but in the way that innocent children do all things, openly and with their whole heart.

Some people grow up thinking they’re the bees knees and that their shit don’t stink, and later in life have to come to terms with facing the stinkiness of their shit.  Whereas, I grew up thinking only my shit stinks, and everyone else’s was roses.

I *think* my soul knew what it was doing when it chose this life, but the jury in my head is still out on that.

So I get my dark side.  I get other people’s dark side.  Btw, this isn’t a challenge from me to you.  I’m not interested in proving this to anyone.  It’s exhausting and it has become boring.

However in order for me to become balanced and whole, my challenge is to now come to peace with the lighter side in me.  I rarely have that reflected back to me because I need to change how I interact with others in order to stop inviting the people into my life who refuse to acknowledge their OWN dark side and shadows, but are happy to continually point out mine.

It has been incredibly helpful to me for others to reflect my dark back to me so that I’m aware of that part of me, but I’m quite done with it.  I get it.  I’m TOO aware of it.

Being around more self-aware people means that they are less likely to try to project and make me own their own demons.  I’m not expecting perfection, not by any means, but if the other person doesn’t have enough awareness, then I become battle weary in trying to deflect incoming demons being lodged at me from behind their wall of “NOT MINE EVER!”

I need the person to be open and trusting.  Not wide open and over trusting . . . but coupled with enough awareness in order to be able to discern for themselves whether an issue is truly their own.  They need to be open to seeing their own darkness (and furreals . . . not in a distant objective detached philosophical sort of way).  Not blindly accept it, but not blindly deny it.

At the very least, be capable of having an honest discussion in order to further distinguish and understand for both of our sakes.  There are instances where something new happens in an interaction, and I honestly don’t know whose “thing” it is.  If it’s mine, I want to know.  I want to be able to own it.  If it’s not mine, I want to know.  I don’t want to own something that isn’t mine.  It’s not about winning/losing for me.  It’s about truth, openness, and honesty.  Because nothing feels better to me in the whole wide world than to be me . . . all of me . . . the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I just want the goddamn truth.

Much of this is has to do with my Neptune/Moon conjunction in Sagittarius.  I feel comfortable and at home when Truth is being spoken.  I feel safe and okay to be open (intimacy . . . moon in 8th house), when there is Truth between me and another.  It is no surprise to me that I find so little comfort in this world . . . there is so little Truth being spoken.  So many are hiding from themselves and each other.  It also relates to my Gemini Sun conjunct Jupiter in my 2nd house.  I feel secure when I understand.  I don’t want to judge and rule people for Christ’s sake . . . I just don’t feel safe at all when I don’t understand what is really going on.

Not only that, but regarding Gemini Sun/Jupiter conjunction . . . that is a lot of damn light(ness) going on.  But where is it?  {Looks around innocently with hands up in question}  Where’d it go?  Where is the fun, silly, light-hearted part of me?  Well . . . that’s my current quest.  I’ve lived a life thinking I’m only Pluto . . . that I’m only my shadow.  I’m now more interested and motivated to explore my lighter side.  My fun and laughter side in order to round out my understanding of my shadow.

I’m only now beginning to be able to communicate more effectively to others what it is I’m needing in relationships, because whenever I’ve tried to explain it in the past, it was taken in a completely different way than I meant it.  It took me some time to sort through all of “the requests from me/responses from others” within myself over the years to see how/where/why communication broke down.  (And btw, a shoutout to An Upturned Soul who has been tremendously helpful for me recently with her voicing her own struggles, in helping me become more clear about what it is I’m trying to communicate/say.)

For example, I’m not interested in blind praise.  I think I can thank Saturn in Leo for that.  I’m not looking for someone to puff up my pride.  I don’t need you to tell me I’m pretty or that I’m special or that I’m awesome.  Mostly because I don’t understand what that means or what is meant by that.  Often general statements like that are also projections.

I think you’re pretty {because it’s important to me that I be called pretty, it’s something I value . . . so I’m giving you a compliment by saying you’re pretty.}  Except that’s not a compliment to me.  It doesn’t actually mean anything to me.  So if you wish to say it because you really feel it, then please do.  What I learn about you from that . . . is that you value looking good.  And that’s cool.  I’m actually glad to learn that about you, because it’s something about you that is different from me.  I value *that* understanding more . . . than the fact that you think I’m pretty.

But if you’re only saying I’m pretty because you assume that’s what I value and what I want to hear from you (in order to get on my good side so that you can get something from me), then that is not seeing me.  That’s you seeing me as an extension of you.  I don’t want to be you.  I want to be me.  I want you to be YOU.  I don’t want to be someone else’s illusion . . . I don’t want others to be an illusion to me.  I want TRUTH.  I want REAL.  Not niceness and kindness for the sake of niceness and kindness.  That’s . . . ugh . . . it is so limiting!!!

I am interested in seeing you for who you are and NOT as an extension of myself or to use you in an attempt to validate my own self illusions.

So to wrap this up . . . before my head starts spinning like the exorcist, going forward I’m going to be actively approaching life in a new way so that I’m able to start seeing the lighter and brighter side of me.

This means my response to others will change.  I’m not asking others to change their response to me.  You just do what you do however you want to do it.  But what you get back from me going forward, may be different.  I’m going to make sure I’m all extra awkward and weird about it too.  (<– not really try to be, it will occur naturally)

I will though, be holding others responsible for themselves.  I don’t want to hold other’s garbage for them anymore.  I’m also tired of keeping my mouth shut so that I don’t offend anybody.  I’m totally expecting and accepting that I’m going to piss people off.  I’m going to offend.  People will leave here with their panties in a wad.

Not because that’s my intent or focus, but because that’s a common response when people get stripped bare.  I have been getting stripped bare my entire life.  Don’t think I don’t know how it feels.  That’s ALL I know.  But now, if you come around me, by default you are going to be stripped bare.  That’s all I want in my space.  Openness, honesty, trust.  I need everything to be out in the open.  That’s where I feel safe.  That’s where I feel okay.  You want to be in my space, then that is what you can expect.  It’s your choice to come or go.

Okay . . . not everything . . . for example, I don’t need to know that you like to play with barbies while you sit on the toilet.  I’m open to having a discussion on what I even mean by “everything out in the open”.  If you were being defensive, you may have responded with “I’m not telling that bitch EVERYTHING about me!  Who does she think she is?!?!”  If you were being open you may have responded with “I wonder what she means by that?” and if it was important enough for you to know . . . you’d ask me.

My focus will be on staying true at all times inside and out.  And just because I’m not all sugar and spice and everything nice in my communications, is not so much because I’m evil . . . but because I’m striving towards always being true.  I care more about truth than I do in looking like the good guy. I always have.  That is what is at my center.

So, if you need others to always be nice and kind and sweet with you because you are fragile and sensitive and you think that is what it means to be respectful . . . then you can GTFO.

If you think being passive with me or tip-toeing around me means I’m not going to call you out on your shit when you’re shoveling it . . . you can GTFO.

If you’re more interested in playing the victim your whole life instead of doing something about it, then you can GTFO.

However, if you’re interested in starting to see what is real in life and what is true both in others and yourself, then GTFIH (Get The Fuck In Here).

If you’re interested in learning a new way of being and of being in relation to others, then GTFIH.

If you’re interested in seeing what experiencing life in a fun and warm-filled way is like, then GTFIH . . . and let’s hug it out!

funny-cat-cone-head

Pity Party Is Over, Everyone Out Of The Pool!

Confidence.  Confidence.  Confidence.

It feels good to have.

I’ve been swimming the seas of over-passiveness and by this point my inner aggressor is drunk on margaritas and face down in the pool, “Wooooot” ing into the water along with a feeble attempt at fist pumping the air.

It’s time somebody sobered up that SOB and let her know that the pity party is OVER.  Everyone out of the pool!  Put your drinks down and get your ass up and get dressed.  We’re going to town.

Having been in that place with no to little willpower, low self confidence, lack of motivation and passion for a little while has been instrumental in helping me understand what I’m up against.

For one, I understand better that when I go all BraveHeart on people and they just look at me and go . . . “eh.”  That it really isn’t personal!  They currently aren’t *able* to feel what I’m saying.  That totally helps me understand the Pluto in Libra on my descendant.  It’s Libra, an air sign . . . intellect.  It’s Pluto, a water sign . . . emotion.  I run into powerful people who intellectualize their emotions instead of actually feeling them.  Not only that but I also have Uranus in the 7th house . . . an air sign, in Scorpio . . . a water sign.

Well OMG that explains a lot.  Those poor jerks aren’t actually feeling the things I feel . . . no WONDER they aren’t able to support me or understand what I’m going on about.  I hand my power over because I thought they knew better.  They can talk about the same things that I do, and so it *sounds* to me like they understand what I understand . . . but they don’t actually experience and feel the things I do.  I believed more in their intellectualized version of what I’m talking about, than I believed in my own actual experience of what I’m talking about.  Every time I’ve done that, I’ve lost my own self confidence and power.

I’ve gone from being able to feel those things, to NOT being able to experience those things (and now on my way back).  When I’m not able to feel or experience those things, and others try to give me pep talks or rouse me up, I’m just not able to experience a reaction in my body at all like that mechanism doesn’t exist.  It feels like you’re dead inside except that you’re suffering in endless anxiety and pain.  {shiver}  It’s a place of being SO passive, that nothing is able to rouse you or get you going.  You just suppress EVERYTHING that might make you respond in a way that is anything less than perfect.  Ugh!  Yuck!  No!

You can keep it . . . you can have your self righteous, perfect model of a citizen, repressed, dead of feelings, superiority complex, isolated, alone, and misunderstood life if that’s what you want.  If that’s your idea of a “win”, then knock yourself out.

{Spitting the rest of the taste of bitterness and death out of my mouth}  So gross.

That’s not the life I know and love.  Mine is fun, warm, full of life, and varying degrees of awesome.  You can come join me in mine, but I’m no longer going to go join you in yours.  That place is literally.hell.

That is a miserable, miserable place.  I feel like I need to take endless thousand degree showers to wash off the cold and ick from being there.  It is SO AWFUL.  It’s just endless torment and gray skies and aloneness.  It’s endless competition for who hurts the most so that the other wounded have to suck it up and help the most hurt.  It’s an endless cycle.

Everyone there thinks they ARE their hurt.  You can’t heal or let go of your hurt if you think that’s who you are.  Otherwise every time you try to open and let go of it, you lose yourself (or who you think you are).  So you are perpetually wounded forever!

I have Chiron (deepest wound) in my 1st house of Self.  If ANYONE in the zodiac is going to feel forever wounded inside (if that were a thing), it would be the person with Chiron in their 1st house.  But guess what?!  I am able to heal mine.  The memory of it doesn’t go away, but the pain does.  That pain and ache DOES heal.  It CAN be healed.

It may be in my 1st house, but it is NOT who I am.  Chiron is actually that thing in us that we were so good at . . . SO EXCELLENT at, but one day when we had reached our most awesomeness in that thing . . . something happened . . . and we fell.  When you’re up that high . . . you are going to fall and it’s going to hurt.  The thing that you did best, becomes your deepest wound.  So you become haunted with this memory of having been able to do *that* thing . . . but alas . . . you’ll never be that again.  So it hurts . . . it stings.

To heal that wound, you have to work to become that thing again.  Will you ever be the same as before the fall?  No!  And you don’t want to be!  That’s why you fell!  Arrogance!  You got too big for your britches (and I’m mostly talking to me) and thought you were all that and a bag of chips . . . and then something came along and knocked you off your high horse . . . and the humiliation and even the idea that you could be knocked down or defeated . . . is such a wound to your pride.

When you start to heal from that wound, you start to gain back the things that went missing in you because of the initial wound happening.  But this time it’s tempered with wisdom.  You now have an understanding that you aren’t infallible.  You aren’t going to be that same prick that you were the last time you were at that level . . . and if you do start to fall back into it . . . your wound will be poked and you’ll start to fall again.  So in that respect, no the wound never leaves you.  However, it serves a huge purpose by keeping you honest and on your path.  It helps keep you from making the same mistakes.  If you feel your wound getting touched . . . you better check yourself . . . because you’re falling back into old habits.

But what Chiron’s wound *doesn’t* mean, is that you are doomed to feel that hurt for your whole life.  No.  Just, no.  That’s incorrect.

My wound being in Taurus in my 1st house conjunct all my awesome Aries Venus/Mars and Taurus Mercury, is my ability to speak up for myself.  My confidence in myself.  My ability to defend myself.  It’s in my fear of being left alone when I do speak up.  It’s in not being supported by others when I speak my truth and what I feel and experience in my body to be true.  It’s about how I HAVE to speak and live those truths or I become ill and start to die inside.

It heals when I stop looking outside of myself for validation.  It heals when I find the courage to stand alone in what I feel and know to be true inside me . . . even if everyone walks away from me.  It heals when I do this, but ALSO stay open and receptive to others.  It heals whenever someone tries to convince me that how I feel is wrong or incorrect, and I stand in myself and say, “No.  For me this is true.  And it’s no less valid than how you feel.  I get to feel this and I get to let this be my reality and not feel bad about it.”

And when it heals . . . I feel such love and peace in me.  I drop all pretenses and defenses . . . and I’m okay with how everything is.  It’s all fine just the way it is and I wouldn’t change any of it for the world.

I go in and out of that.  So sometimes you get a Jenn that’s all open and sunshine and sometimes you walk into a Jenn that has all the doors slammed close and is freaking out inside.

I will get back to that place of peace.  And I will learn how to stay there always so that you’ll always encounter the open and sunshiney Jenn.  I hope to someday gain that wisdom to stay there.

Because confidence feels good.  It feels like you are on top of the world and like NOBODY can bring you down.  And it is hard to NOT become arrogant in that space.  I start getting a swagger in me.  I start walking down the sidewalk like I’m on a perpetual catwalk.  Me.ow.  Yep, I’m on fire and I’m about to take this whole place down to its knees.  Until a second later where my wound gets poinked and then I’m in internal freakout mode and start to shut down.  Then I just look like a quivering rabbit trying to dart out of sight of the eagle coming down to get me.

But it feels even BETTER to be in that space, and to be open and humble.  It feels a million times better.  I feel more trusting of life.  I feel more trusting that I’ll use the power I gain from my confidence in a positive way.  That I’ll use it to make the world I live in a better place.  As long as I’m in that space of being, I won’t feel any of the pain of my wound.  But if I stray even one iota . . . down I’ll go.

This is what my confidence and power feel like inside of me with no apologies:

5am Floor Revelations

I tend to get up at the crack of dawn (5am) so that I have time each day just for me.  It’s quiet because no one else is crazy enough to get up that early on purpose.  It’s when I do my writing, contemplation, meditation . . . just whatever it is that feels good for me.

So this morning was spent laying face down in the carpet with me questioning just how important “me time” really is, when I felt an emotional block suddenly give in me and a whole new world reopened within me.

It came as a sneak attack single thought, “I get to feel whatever I’m feeling.”

In the moment of surprise, before brain was able to interrupt, I saw a flash of insight on just how important this was for me.  If I am feeling something, even if it goes against everything I think I know . . . even if it seems like a “bad” feeling that I shouldn’t (or don’t want to) have . . . I NEED to let myself still feel it.

When I try to pretend I don’t feel something because I’ve either made a snap judgment about it, or feel like others would misunderstand, the feeling doesn’t go away . . . it just becomes repressed.  I just numb the feeling.  Pretend it’s not real.  Which is telling myself that it’s not okay to feel it.  That I’m wrong or bad to feel it.  Except that no matter what I want or don’t want, the feeling is still there regardless.

How will I ever understand why I’m feeling it or what it means if I refuse to even allow myself to have it?  Every time I have followed a feeling, it’s rarely meant or been as big of a deal as I first thought it would be.  But when I repress it . . . down the road it explodes out of me and THEN it does become a big deal, usually involving casualties.

Here’s a scenario to help illustrate what I mean.

Let’s say there is a married couple.  Marie and George.  They’ve been together for many years and they are a very loving, committed couple.  But then one day, Marie is at her weekly book club, and a new guy joins the group.  They make introductions and everything is cool.  She doesn’t think anything of it.

However, the next day, Marie finds that her thoughts keep going to the new man she met.  And when she does think of him, she feels things . . . things she shouldn’t be feeling towards another man . . . because she’s married.  She would never dream of cheating on George.  So she can’t feel those feelings.  She’s not one of *those* women.  (<–judge much?)  So she refuses to let herself acknowledge or feel those feelings.  She makes them leave her head.

That’s how simple repression is.

Now, back to my early morning floor revelation.  From the perspective I had this morning, Marie should instead honor her feelings.  Take some space and time for herself, and let herself feel into the feelings without trying to make them right or wrong.  Instead of immediately jumping to the conclusion that having those feelings means it will lead to an affair, let the feelings have a chance to express why they are there at all.  What are they trying to tell Marie?

To take it one step further, George, as her committed and loving partner . . . should be someone that she is able to safely talk to about what she is feeling without either person feeling threatened, shutting down, or having a meltdown.  It should be a safe space.  That’s how you build real trust.

There should be an understanding, that while they are a committed couple . . . they are *still* individuals within a partnership, and EACH are entitled to have and experience their very own feelings without it meaning it’s the end of the world or throwing accusations, blame, or fault.

Let’s say George is that kind of partner, and Marie feels safe enough to discuss it with him.  She lets him know that she recently met a man in her book club, and that she was feeling an attraction to him and it’s concerning her that she’s feeling that.  George, in all his wisdom, understands that Marie is trusting and opening up to him . . . and that in itself is a good sign of how strong their relationship is, so he let’s her know that he’s there to listen and help her understand her feelings.

Now Marie is feeling safe and supported in her feelings, and feels okay to explore what’s actually going on in her feelings with him.  Maybe after having an open conversation with George, each expressing their own feelings about it, they both discover together that Marie has been feeling a little neglected by George because he’s had to work some extra hours at the office.  It doesn’t have to be anyone’s fault . . . it just is what it is.

But now, by openly communicating and trusting each other, they’ve both become aware of it and can work together to help meet the needs of both.

At her next book club, Marie finds that the pull isn’t so strong with the new man, because she feels very loved and supported by her current partner and has no wish or desire to disrupt that.  The guy still looks hot . . . but he’s not George.  ; )

We have feelings for a reason.  They tell us what’s what.  They tell us when something is wrong . . . they tell us when something is right.  It is because of them that we get to feel love.  It is because of them that we get to feel joy and happiness.  And yes, they are also what allows us to feel grief, sorrow, and pain.

But if you ignore, avoid, and repress the ones you don’t like or understand because you don’t want to deal with what they’re trying to tell you, then you will also start to lose the ability to feel the good ones.  Feelings come from our heart.  They need to be felt and they need to be honored.  Unless you’re a robot.  Then carry on.

Not many people are fortunate enough to have someone in their life that they can be this open and trusting with, and that’s truly a shame.  But you can start with yourself.  Let yourself feel whatever it is you’re feeling.  The more controversial, the better.  It’s kind of like hearing the juiciest gossip about someone you know really well, (“No.way.  No she didn’t.  O.O  Shut the front door!  That slut!”) except it’s about yourself.

But no matter how guilty or shameful you think any of your feelings are . . . you get to feel them.  That is your God-given right.  They are yours to feel, have, and acknowledge.

What I think is most important to understand about this, is that you have the right to have these feelings AND you should still be able to expect to be accepted, supported, and loved by trusted others in your life even if they differ from their own feelings.  And if they’re truly worthy of someone’s trust, they will.

Some may need patience and time to learn a new way of being.  And a role model to know what it looks like in practical use.  You can be that person.

Now, if you'll excuse me . . . I have some things to do

Now, if you’ll excuse me . . . I have some things to do

Remembering the *Me* Needs

I learn something new about myself everyday.  Which I then promptly forget.  So that I can be all surprised when I remember again.

It’s like an endless game of peek-a-boo with myself.

“Oh!  There I am!”

“Wait!  Where’d I go?!”

Today’s peek-a-boo was regarding something I read on an Astrologer Peg’s blog post a little while ago regarding astrology rising signs, Your Rising Sign/Ascendant.  Our rising sign is the mask or outer layer we put on when we go into the world.  It’s one of a billion reasons why we don’t necessarily come across as our Sun sign . . . which is what most horoscopes focus on.

For example, I’m a Gemini Sun.  However, my rising sign is Aries.  My Venus, Mars, and (moon) South Node are also in Aries.  If you met me, you just might mistake me for an Aries vs. a Gemini.

Anyhoo, back to what was written about Aries rising.  One sentence in particular was written in a way that helped me understand myself in a new light.  (Hopefully more flattering than fluorescent.)  For Aries Rising she wrote,

Taking care of your own needs allows you to relate better to others.

There’s something in me that *knows* this, but I’ve managed to un-know it like a catrillion times.  (That’s a lot of cats.)

When my needs are taken care of, I can relate like no one’s business.  But is that what I do?  Noooooooo. (<—up and down intonation needed there.  If you read it monotone, go back and do it again, but this time right.)

The second . . . and I mean the very nanosecond that I get into a good place inside of myself, I start handing that *feeling good stuff* out to people left and right.  I become drained.  My needs quit being met.  I start to board the crazy train. (choo! choo!)

If taking care of my own needs first, helps me relate better to others as an Aries Rising . . . it goes triply so for my Aries Venus and Aries Mars.  It should be a no-brainer for me.

But here’s what I do.  AS I’m trying to meet my needs, I’m trying to take into account everyone else’s needs and adjust what I’m doing for myself to make sure everyone gets a piece of the pie.  That doesn’t work for me.  I don’t run well on half-assed met needs.

I run on premium.

I have GOT to get out of the sacrificing self business.  It’s malarkey.  Well, for me it is.  I don’t know about the rest of you nuts.  Figure yourselves out.  (<— look at me not owning other people’s stuff!  Jenn is on  f  i  r  e !  ! )

Being that way, can sometimes give other people the wrong impression.  Like, “Oh, you’re so self centered.”  or   “You don’t think or care about other’s feelings.”  But guess what?  That’s NOT my problem.  If you haven’t given me the benefit of the doubt, and don’t actually take any time to get to know me before you judge me . . . then that’s your bad.  Not mine.  And most likely *your* projection onto me.  Not me.

I *do* have to make sure my needs are met before I start getting all cozy, friendly.  That’s how I operate.  When my needs are being met . . . well . . . I’m just a bowl full of cherries.  I’ll do just about anything for a friend, and even strangers.  I love, love, love people.  I love making you guys smile and making you guys laugh.  I love seeing you excited about something you love.  I love being a part of people’s lives.  But I can’t express this to others, or even be there for others . . . until my own needs have been met first.

And actually, thanks to my Pluto (Big Bowl of Scary) conjunct Descendant (House of Other), when my needs aren’t being met, I become very scared of people.  Or disempowered works here too.

You don’t have to have anything Aries in order for this to apply to you in some way (because everyone has a 1st house & Mars . . . both rules by Aries . . . somewhere in your charts), but mine is extra emphasized.  It’s not like, “Eh . . . maybe not today.”  It’s more like “Um, every second of every day you better be operating like this or life is going to suck ass for you.”

So . . . here’s to keeping in the remembering portion of personal peek-a-boo . . . and remembering the *Me* needs.

I Wanna Be Like Me by Sara Bareilles

Let the Sunshine In

I woke up yesterday morning feeling like my dreams had spent the night trying to cheer me up.  Trying to show me  . . . Me.

It was a series of various scenarios trying to show me new perspectives of myself.

One, I was with a woman who I seemed to be good friends with in the dream, and we were out running errands or something.  She got a call from a friend who needed something.  When she hung up, she was venting and frustrated.  “God! It’s always something with her!  It’s not like with you, where everything feels like an adventure!”

Then she went off to help the other woman.  After she had gone, I went and sat in my car for a little bit, confused.  I was the fun one?  I was the one that she’d rather hang out with?  And because it was a dream, and dreams being magical in their own right, I opened up to the idea.

And just like I wrote about in my post To Love and Be Loved, I got to feel how the other person experienced and felt me.  It’s like my brain pretended my friend was me and vice versa.  And when the feeling overcame me, I thought . . . O.O  “Oh my god, *She* is so fun.  Everything *does* feel like an adventure.  And magical!  It took what was previously a cold, too real, sobering day . . . and made it feel fun and warm and sparkly.

Transitioning back to me being me, and her being her . . . was a little hard.  It was hard for me to own my own goodness . . . but it also felt really, really good to allow that possibility into me.  And I can’t say this word enough . . . but humbling.  Humbling in every sense of the word.  This is not false modesty, trying to say it was hard to own my goodness.  Me not believing deep in my heart that I’m a good person, has been my reality for a really long time.

{Pay extra attention here . . .  : ) —>}  It’s been my reality for a really long time, because I’ve been surrounded by others who really do not believe deep in their heart that they are good people either.

How many of you reading this, are *hoping* that you’re a good person . . . but deep inside . . . you’re not really sure?

And maybe there is a part of you that is kind of afraid of finding out the truth?

Well . . . just in case nobody has ever told you . . .

You *are* a good person.

Eh, so you’ve made some mistakes.  You’ve got some shadows wrapped around parts of you, making you believe temporarily that you’re less than perfect.

But underneath it all . . . you are a good person.

It’s never too late for a fresh start.  To shake it all off and try again.

Be tender, gentle, and loving with yourself.

And allow the idea to sink into you.

Let go of your judgments, guilt, shame, hurt . . .

And even if it’s just for 30 seconds . . . pretend that it IS true.

That you *are* loved.  That you *are* loving.  That all has been forgiven.

That you get another chance.  That you get to make new choices this time.

That nothing is set in stone.  *Anything* could happen.

You don’t know from moment to moment what might change . . . and that’s kind of exciting, because it means that something awesome you’ve never thought of could come out of the blue expanding your perception and experience of life.

I mean, what if you walked around the corner and ran into your favorite actor!  That would be surprising, right?  And would change your outlook on life for a little bit.

If you’re looking at life as this endless routine . . . then that can be kind of depressing.

But if you look at life as a “oh!  What might happen today?!” kind of way . . . then life will rise to your challenge.

It will go out of its way to find ways to surprise you and make you giggle.

Life likes to make us smile and giggle.

Life likes to play and have fun with us.  And so understandably it gets depressed when we stop doing that.

We keep playing the game of “pretend I’m not something amazing and shiny”.

And I don’t want to brag, but I’m kind of tight with Life, and it wanted me to tell you that that game is soooo lame and it doesn’t want to play it anymore.

So . . . there you go.  You’re being lame.

; )

A lamp post watching over two hot air balloons.

A lamp post watching over two hot air balloons.

Lost and Found

When I’m feeling lost and unsure . . .

And I stop long enough to pull within and get real with myself . . .

I am always taken back to the same place.

Back to a specific day when I was a little girl.

Sitting alone in The Big Park, under large towering trees . . . trying to find a four leaf clover and contemplating whether the ants I am watching . . . are aware that I’m there.  And am I an ant to someone much larger than me that I can’t see . . . simply because I’m unaware of them . . . .  followed by a few moments of staring up into the sky and *trying* to see if there is something I’ve missed the last hundred times I’ve stared into the sky.

And then I wanted to see leprechauns.  I believed in them.

Or I had.

But something was starting to nag at me.  I had started to doubt that they existed, because I never *actually* saw them.  And from how the big people here explain it . . . if you can’t see it, it doesn’t exist.  And that scared me.

The doubt had started to bug me so much, that it reached a boiling point that day.  For the first time in my short 7 year old life, I needed proof to help me continue to believe.  To keep my faith.  So I started talking out loud to the leprechauns I could sense and feel nearby.  I asked if they could please show themselves to me . . . that I promised I wouldn’t tell anyone of their existence . . . that they could trust me.

But they never appeared, even though I *knew* they were there.  They must not trust me.  I must not be a good enough person.

That was the day . . . the moment that something in me began to break, and I have never been the same since.  From that day forward, I began to feel more and more lost and alone.

Why?  Why is that the ONE scene from my whole.entire.life. that comes up every time I feel lost and I’m seeking answers within myself?

Because that is the day . . . I began to lose mySelf.

Doubting and losing my belief and faith in what I KNEW to be true in my heart, is when I began to become lost in this world.

That’s where it starts for us.  That’s where we lose our innocence and our sense of True Self.  That’s where we begin to lose our way home.  That’s when we begin to believe more and more in things that are NOT TRUE for us.

We try to protect the innocence in children, by sheltering them.  By trying to pretend that there are no bad monsters out there in the world.  And then stupidly, shove them out into the world full of monsters when they’re an adult . . . and tell them “welcome to the real world – suck it up, bub”.

That is some fucked up shit, people.

You protect innocence with wisdom, confidence, and belief in it.

Young kids are still in touch with what they know to be true in their Heart.  They have faith in the unseen.  They still believe in magic and fairies and unicorns.  And the world to them looks like a wonderland full of magical possibilities.  They still believe in themselves.

As we grow older, we are conditioned to believe and think that *none* of that is real.  None of it. And if none of that is true . . . then that means the magic part of them . . . the innocent part of them . . . isn’t real either.  So . . . they lose a very important part of themselves.  And then also told that there is NO mystery . . . there is NO unknown.  It can all be easily explained with math and science.

: (

Sorry.  That’s the “real world”.  You have to come to terms with it or suffer.

Well, you know what Mr. Fictitious *They* who doesn’t really exist, but still trys to tell all of us what to think and believe?

FUCK YOU and your hornless unicorn that you rode in on.

What is WRONG with me believing, really believing in magic?  Not just thinking it might be possible, but feeling again with my heart and soul all the way to my bones, in magic?

And not just magic like illusions or magic shows, No.  I’m talking about grabbing ahold of Tinkerbell and shaking the shit out of that fairy and green ass MAGIC fairy dust raining down on us.

Because here’s what I KNOW to be true with all my Heart – BELIEVING in the actual existence of those things . . . is what brought me JOY in this life.  It made me happy!  It didn’t make me just live with my head in the clouds, it made me feel wide open happy in love.  And it made me want to share it with everyone I met.

It made me – ME!  Without my feeling of belief and faith in those unseen things that I feel and know are there, I lose a big part of who I am.  And that PISSES ME OFF!

Because HOW can I be a happy, joyful, whole human being when I’m trouncing around the earth trying to PRETEND that those parts of me AREN’T REAL or DON’T EXIST?!?!?!  How?!

I can’t.

When I lost my belief in that world of magic and “make believe”, I lost myself . . . and I lost my way back home.  Back to the place that is my real home.

THIS place . . . is the place that isn’t real.  This is the bullshit place.  But we’ve all forgotten that it’s not furreals.

It’s been said that the devil fooled all of the world except the faithful.  And who has MORE faith and is the MOST in touch with their Heart?  Children.  And what’s the difference between adults and children?  Children still believe in our Real Home even if they can’t always see it, which is filled with warmth, love, and magic.

And do you wanna know what happens when you find your way back to that whole hearted belief in the things that you believed in when you were a kid?

The Real World . . . the Golden One . . . the one we all still miss and cry for in our sleep . . . . the one we had wrongfully stolen from us when we were younger. . . starts to reappear before our very eyes.

It’s all around you and with you no matter what you do.  Whether you’re at the grocery store, the office, at home cleaning a poopy diaper . . . it can be there.

And I DON’T mean, oh in your imagination or your mind’s eye.  I mean, LITERALLY.

However, you won’t have a CLUE what I’m talking about if you’re sitting there being smug or feeling like you know better than me.  Don’t be a douchebag.  Don’t cheat yourself or the happiness that could again be yours, because you’re too scaredypants to make a fool of yourself and even secretly inside of yourself let yourself pretend for a moment that maybe . . . . maybe there really are unicorns . . . maybe . . .

O.O

Or dragons.  Omg.  I just know there are dragons.  They hide within the clouds and they watch over us.

Or leprechauns . . . who can’t show themselves here in the fake world posing as a real world.  The closest they can come while you’re pretending to not be magical . . . is in your dreams . . . where you’re actually closer to their home.

But seriously.  Both worlds are very similar in appearance, so here’s how you know which one you’re currently in:

If you feel cold, lost, alone, scared . . . and the world seems dim . . . and like someone has put a gray or steel filter over your eyes . . . you are not believing.  You are bittering.  That’s where old people smell comes from.  The lack of belief in a world of magic and miracles . . . is what ages us and makes us bitter.  It’s what makes things in our body feel painful and it’s what makes us feel old.  L.i.t.e.r.a.l.l.y.  It’s something that is ACTUALLY released in our bodies when we are shut down and no longer believe or have faith in our Real World (that, at risk of repeating myself, isn’t this one that we’ve been led to believe is real)

But you can instantly feel a difference and relief in yourself when you let go of thinking it’s foolishness or just for children . . . when you start to feel safer, warmer, loved/loving, compassionate, caring, stronger . . . and like someone just put a filter of gold over your eyes.  Plus, you become sweeter . . . more youthful . . . more full of life and wonder.  Like the bitterness, it’s actually something that gets released into your body.  More joy seeps into you effortlessly.  Life starts to feel good again, DESPITE the crazy ass bullshit going on around you and in the world.  It’s like armor for the heart and soul.

This is something YOU have control over.  You GET to feel and believe in whatever the fuck you want!  You don’t have to quit being a responsible adult and taking care of your family just because you want to believe in pots of gold at the end of the rainbow.  Just stop giving a fuck what other people think about what you believe, because ultimately it’s YOU that has to pay the price for what you believe or don’t.  Here, I’ll start if off.  (Because for the first time in my entire adult life, I have FOUND something I feel is truly, truly worth fighting for, and that’s the right to believe in Real Golden Love and Magic again.)

I am a very responsible working professional.  I am also a mom to a teenage boy.  Taking care of my family, home, and self are very important to me and I take it very seriously.  I am 36 years old.  And I still believe in Fairytales and goddamn Unicorns (Especially ones that get on video conference calls with horses at the office.  It was just a coincidence that it was Halloween).

Watcha gonna do about it, punk?

Now, time for some sweet dance moves : )

Only I Am the Boss of Me

Today feels like a power building day for me.  Building up power is a process that shouldn’t be rushed or forced.  It requires your presence and awareness, even as you direct and make room for the increasing energy.  Even as you let yourself feel deeply and surrender control.

Surrender the feeling of thinking you have any say in how things go down, both in your life and others.  Quit fixating on making things how you think you want them to be.  Your job becomes opening to whatever is being asked of you, and not whatever you have thumping in your head day in and day out.  Your job becomes directing whatever comes through you, not trying to make whatever comes in, fit your tightly held understanding of how the world is supposed to be or even how you want it to be.

You are simply holding the space and structure for it to come through.  You are meant to guide it, but you do not have the right to control it.  It is a gift.  Treat it as such.  Respect, trust, and honor it by opening the way for it as wide as possible, and by not trying to change it.  Let it be, what it is meant to be.  If you feel tightening or weakening, you are trying to control it.  When you feel expansion, warmth, joy, love, and like your body is filled with oxygen, strength. . . you have gotten out of your own way.

What do you have to lose by giving into it?  You’ve obviously tried it a million other ways before, and still you can’t quite get where you’re trying to go. . . so what would happen if you just let go of trying to know better than Spirit?  Drop the burden of having to know how to do all of it, of trying to make it something that it doesn’t want to be.  How good would it feel to lay your burdens down?

When did we lose faith in something bigger than us?  When did we stop trusting in the grand scheme of things?  All we try to do every moment of every day of our life is control everything and everyone around us.  We pass laws and yell at each other how we or they should be, and the whole while nobody takes responsibility for themselves.  You’ll have to excuse the younger generations for not listening to their elders, when it’s obvious they have no idea what they are doing.

If you want respect, you must give it.

Just because you may find yourself in a position of authority or are older, does not mean you get to do whatever you want at the expense of others.  It does not mean that you own others.  It does not mean that you get to control others to further your own selfish agenda.

I look at my son’s generation, and then I look out at the world at what they are being given to model themselves after.

And it’s pathetic.

A government that doesn’t know how to responsibly budget and spend money, and who rewards corporations for making poor financial choices . . . and throws the people themselves into jail for not being able to pay their bills.  Why are the people of the country expected to be more grown up and responsible than their own government and leaders?

The world’s governments show the kids that when you can’t settle your differences, you go to war and you kill each other.

And then when they act out in the same ways, our government throws them into prisons and say they are what’s wrong with society.  Or they blame the parents.  They don’t take personal responsibility for having failed as a leader, they blame everyone else around them.

And then they wonder why the younger generations don’t take responsibility for themselves.

They are a direct reflection of where and how they’ve been failed by their leaders and authorities.  And now, as they enter adult hood, they are being asked to be even more grown up than those that have gone before them in order to try and make things right again.

It’s so infuriating, it’s enough to make me want to cut myself too.

Where have all the grown ups gone?  Where are our elders?  Where are the true leaders?

I see nothing but cyclical, repeated dysfunction that perpetuates from generation to generation – and we are taught and even forced against our will from early childhood, to conform to it.  Told “That’s just how things are” or “Welcome to reality.”

Well, Fuck.That.

I will not be told by others who have yet to grow up themselves, how things should be.  I will not go against my own inner authority and continue to disempower myself and feel helpless about the circumstances I’m in, just because there are a bunch of spoiled children currently running the show.

They continually cross people’s personal boundaries and dictate to them who and how they should be.  That shows a lack of trust in the people as well as a lack of trust in their own ability to lead.  It sets up the victim/aggressor energy dynamic that we see running rampant around the world. We’re told what to do so often, that we no longer remember how to count on or trust in ourselves or each other.

That generation was disempowered themselves as children.  And so now we all pay for it as they take up leadership positions.

In turn they disempower, even further, the younger generations. . . and we will pay for that as they come into power.

I am NOT going to sit here and see all of this unfolding, and be the helpless victim that can’t do anything about it.  I know EXACTLY what to do about it.

I’m going to be a grown up myself.  I’ve always felt like I had to be a grown up, but I mean to be a grown up furreals.  And in my own way, not what I’ve been shown it means to be a grown up.

I cannot look to our current leaders and authority figures to know how to do that.  To copy them, is to continue the same problems that we find ourselves in today.

I have to get out of the habit of thinking that they know better than me, that they are smarter than me.  They are not.

They are scared too.  They don’t know any better than the rest of us what should be done.  I’m sure at some level they wish that someone who knew better than them could step in and help.  The same way that a child feels when faced with circumstances that somehow got away from them and are overwhelmed.

It’s time to listen to what we feel deep inside of ourselves, and respond from there. . . and not from what we’ve been shown by the rest of the world by their actions.

I will speak up for myself when I feel a boundary has been crossed, regardless if it’s something currently accepted by societal norms.  I will find the strength to be contrary when it’s something important to me.

I will let myself feel strongly.  I will be silly when the feeling comes across me.  I will sing when my heart demands it.  I will dance when the energy moves me to do so.

I will be understanding and loving of others, including their faults . . . but I will not tolerate being treated any less than I deserve.  I will hold true to myself, and in doing so – hold others true to themselves.

I will not back down just for the sake of peace and non-confrontation, I will confront whatever issue is brought into my life and my attention, and I will do it with openness and respect for all involved and insist the same in return.

I will be consciously aware of what I am spending my time on.  I will nurture whatever I feel is important enough to be spending time on.  I will insist from myself that I only live from an open and loving heart.

I will let things be how they are meant to be and not try to force or control them.  I can only control my response to what is brought into my life.  I will come to peace within myself for anything outside of that control.

I will live a life that shows it is okay to feel and be alive.  I will feel joy and genuine enthusiasm again.  I will live an unapologetic life.  I’m tired of being ashamed of being alive and human.  I’m tired of being ashamed about caring about things.  I’m tired of feelings being viewed as a disease.  I will fetter kindness nilly willy around me like it’s something that grows on trees.

Bottomline, is that there is no reason or excuse for me to be anything other than the things I know how to be.  At this stage in the game, I have nothing left to lose. . . but everything to gain.

I never found the role model I was always looking for in life.  That someone who could help me navigate the rough waters of life, having made it through the treacherous waters themselves.  Everyone I met, was just as lost as I was.  Some knew they were lost, some only saw me as being the one lost.

I don’t know when it happened exactly. But one day while looking in the mirror as I put on my makeup, I realized that somewhere along the line. . . I had become the person I was looking for.  I had become my own authority.  And, only I am the boss of me.

I don’t know what happened to the great leaders of yesteryear, but I do need to face the possibility that I may be one of the leaders of tomorrow.  Which means I need to start stepping up to the plate, and taking my place.

My whole life I’ve been scared of people and especially any authority figures, and the last thing I ever thought I would be is a leader of any kind.  But when I open up to what is coming into me, and see it for what it really is and not what I think it should be, that’s what it tells me is coming into being.

Whatever is going to happen, is going to happen.  All anyone can really do, is go along with it willingly . . . or get dragged through it miserably.  The Universe is all, “Whatevs”. : D

The Sun is the Boss of itself