Reporting Live From The Top Of The Rollercoaster

So the day has finally arrived.  dun Dun DUN! O.O

Transiting Uranus . . . is exactly conjunct my Ascendant.

Asc. 9 degrees 18 minutes? Check.  Uranus 9 degrees 18 minutes?  Check.

Asc. 9 degrees 18 minutes? Check. Uranus 9 degrees 18 minutes? Check.

{Why is she making such a goddamn big deal about this?}

I’ll tell you why . . . because it’s like trying to birth the ACTUAL planet of Uranus THROUGH my little human body.  And the labor has been going on for months.  I’m pooped out, but the universe is screaming at me to “PUUUUSSSSSHHHHHH!” this insanely chaotic energy through my being and to just *suddenly* be different.

Illustration helps move the story along (said some wise co-worker of mine in response to one of my novel length emails.)  So today I shall add lots of pictures.

There’s how I (may) appear on the outside to others during this transit.  And then there’s what is really going on inside.

Right now it feels like I’m at the top of a rollercoaster.  A rollercoaster that I don’t remember asking to get on.  A rollercoaster that is so high up, I have to have an oxygen mask on in order to breathe.  And I’m *jusssst* now reaching the tippety top . . . and getting my first view of what lays before me.

I’m not *quite* centered and ready for what’s coming, but I have no control over the situation.  Whether I’m ready and centered or not is irrelevant.  The universe has a schedule to keep, tick tock Ms. Jenn . . . . tick tock.

So there’s my inner child.  She’s looking around her to try and pickup from other’s reactions whether she should be terrified or just go with it.  Currently she’s doing this:

How little girl me feels about it.

How little girl me feels about it.

Next, is my Saturn . . . my inner parent and responsibility advisor extraordinaire.  Saturn is trying to apply the brakes, but realizing that someone greased them . . . and there’s nothing he can do about it right now.  So he’s applying the brake energy where it will be put to good use, and is in a constant state of trying to keep me from doing this:

How my natal Saturn feels about it.

How my natal Saturn feels about it.

But at the SAME time, my Sun/Jupiter in Gemini is looking around to see what fun we could have while we’re here and strapped in for the ride:

What my Gemini wants to do.

What my Gemini wants to do.

Except then there’s Pluto, the dark lord of the underworld, who is in opposition to transiting Uranus on my ascendant.  He’s also still holding a grudge over being demoted from full planet status, and has been plotting to take down the other planets.  So, he’s quietly whispering threats into my ear that nobody else can hear:

The pressure I'm feeling from Pluto.

The pressure I’m feeling from Pluto.

Which triggers all that terrorizes me inside, and nobody else can see:

What I'm now perpetually doing 24/7 in my head.

What I’m now perpetually doing 24/7 in my head.

And then there’s the star of the show, Uranus.  He’s like, “Guys!  Guys!  Guys.  Come on.  Keep cool.  It’s cool.  There’s no need to lose your head.  Just let me do my thing, and it will all be okay.  What?  Oh . . . the people coming at you?  Oh, you mean the people running and screaming in your wake?  Pffffft.  That’s nothing . . . don’t worry about them.  You’re not being weird or chaotic AT ALL.  Let them deal with their own stuff.  It’s not your fault they can’t handle your awesome.  We’re just going to loosen some things that have become stuck, that’s all.  Nothing major. {Stifled laugh.}

What Uranus wants to do.

What Uranus wants to do.

So yeah.  That’s happening.

What it means, is that I’m currently under radical construction.  I’m learning a new way of existing in my life.  And like a kid I’m having to try this out and that out, and it’s all going to be weird and awkward as I adjust and learn how to be this new thing.

While Uranus was transiting through my 12th house, he went through and cleaned out my closet.  He went through there like a goddamn tornado.  A 10+ year tornado.  Ripping up stuff I didn’t even know existed in there.  I don’t KNOW where that god-forsaken ugly green shag rug came from, Uranus, okay?!  Just . . . get rid of it.  God.

And while I’m actually looking forward to have him leave my closet finally, and ending my decade of hyper-sensitive oh-my-god-there-is-acid-running-through-my-veins-it-burns-it-burns-oh-no-that’s-just-Uranus-entering-Aries-while-still-in-my-12th-house-and-pumping-fire-electricity-adrenaline-through-my-entire-body-nonstop-and-forcing-a-new-self-awareness-in-order-to-survive reclusiveness . . . I’m feeling kind of iffy about what he’s going to do to my house of Self.

My suspicion is that I’m just going to be taking all of the things I learned while he was in my 12th house, and start personifying those lessons.  Bring those new ideas he planted in me all those years ago, and start showing and sharing them to others.  That’s my hunch.

So love me or hate me or don’t.  (Wait, what?)  Having gone through Uranus’s version of purification while he was in my 12th (and Pluto’s jaunt across my MC), I have a lot less . . . fear in me.  Things that used to trip me the hell out and cause me to go running and screaming to the nearest shelter . . . now has me going. “Eh.”  And not because I’m jaded or have given up, but because I was given perspective.

We (I) have been taking ourselves (myself) WAY to seriously.  There is serious stuff happening, yes.  But if you’re scared or stressed TOO much . . . you need to zoom out.  You need to expand and see from a much, much bigger perspective.  You can always zoom out further.  If you’re already out in space (also moi), then you need to zoom in.  You need to get more in touch with the details and day-to-day.  Get in body, get grounded . . . s l o w  d o w n.  Not everything you do is as important or as urgent as you’ve led yourself to believe.  It’s just not.

What does that last paragraph have to do with the rest of this post?  Nothing.  That’s what.

Wanting To Be A Graceful Swan, Destined To Be A Goofy Dork.

I was recently doing searches on various aspects of my birth chart because I’ve lost sight of who I am again.

Normally this might be something I’d talk to a close friend about . . . but right now, that friend is you.  This space is the only medium I have in my life right now to talk things out.

But hey, I have Uranus (friends, internet, unconventional) in my 7th house (relationships) . . . so maybe this is exactly how it’s supposed to be for me.

Over and over again I am reminded in my life that there is how I think things are supposed to be . . . and then there are how things just are.

Anyways . . . I like visual aids, so here’s a look at my birth chart (and it’s okay if you don’t know astrology . . . it’s my feeling that even just seeing the geometry and symbols gives us information, even if at a subconscious level).  If you click on it you should be able to see the mega huge version of it.  (If you’re looking for a great resource for astrology, or even just to have the ability to do a chart without having to pay money . . . www.astro.com is *the* best place I have found online.)

Jenn's Birth Chart

Jenn’s Birth Chart

It will never fail to amaze me how looking at a birth chart is looking at a snapshot of the heavens at the time and location of a person’s birth . . . and how it is a blueprint of who we are and what our plan was for the time we are here.  As above . . . so below.

Anyways, I first started my search with my (moon’s) North Node, which is in Libra in the 7th house.

North Node in Libra in the 7th house.

North Node in Libra in the 7th house.

One place I looked, True Node.org, had a lot of useful information.  Some of it I wasn’t quite on board with, but that helped me actively use my discernment in what I felt to be true for myself vs. how another person viewed/interpreted similar things that I do . . . without being defensive about it.  And also for me to keep in mind, that there are other things in my chart that change how it is expressed in me.

Here’s what stood out most for me:

You are here in this lifetime to learn to give with the whole heart, asking nothing of others in return.

. . .

Some will perceive you as disloyal, since you are so reluctant to invest in your relationships.  However, as you grow in your spiritual development, you will find within yourself an amazing ability to give self-confidence to others.

. . .

an ability to “give others the will where there was none” and to make them aware of their own self-worth

These are the things I felt touch me deep inside and reading them easily make me cry in a kind of relief . . . so I know they are touching on something true and important to me.

When I’ve forgotten who I am . . . this is the kind of process I go through to help piece myself back together until a bigger picture emerges and I’m able to start remembering on my own.

One of the things I feel when reading these sentences, is a raw heartbreaking overwhelming humbleness at the idea that I could affect another human being in that way.  Which makes me painfully aware of what I’ve been feeling about my own self worth.  How lately, I haven’t been feeling like I have anything of value to offer another person.  I know it’s not true, but I can’t seem to remember what it is I have.

So I kept searching to see what other clues I could find.  Next was on my Neptune/Moon conjunction.

Neptune (9th house) and Moon (8th house) conjunction in Sagittarius.

Neptune (9th house) and Moon (8th house) conjunction in Sagittarius.

This is where my deep feelers come from.  This is why I cry like a person at a funeral when I witness something that feels so profound or so beautiful.  This is what brings me to my knees when I hear a violin playing just the right haunting chords.  It’s where I feel (moon) both the beauty and sorrow of the world and life from a spacecraft view.  This is also where I get incredibly confused in my feelings and who I am separate from others whenever I become emotionally stressed.

The best place I found that describes the Neptune/Moon conjunction, is at The Chirotic Journal.  It’s a longer quote . . . but I feel it’s necessary in order to effectively understand what it means to have this configuration (or similar).

Imagine this scenario: someone you know has come to see you and on their way over they have got stuck in traffic, had an argument with a co-worker on the phone and discovered that their husband spent the housekeeping on a hooker, then they call in at your house, and actually, they like you very much and just want to hang out for a while so they don’t mention any of that bad stuff, but inside they are angry, upset, hurt and frustrated, as would only be natural for anyone who had experienced such a frustrating and upsetting set of circumstances. For most, this visitor would appear agitated perhaps, maybe a little off and flat and for anyone without Moon conjunct Neptune it wouldn’t represent much of a blip on their personal radar, off their friend would toddle, and they might think to themselves “hmm, they seemed a little odd today, no matter”, and they would carry on about their business and probably forget all about it.

Not so for Moon conjunct Neptune. Not by a long chalk.

For anyone with Moon conjunct Neptune, they can feel the anger, resentment and frustration from their friend almost as a physical force in the room. The hostility would be profoundly uncomfortable, they feel so uncomfortable in fact that they may even begin to physically sweat, or shake, or feel a little wan and pale. And even before their friend was out the door they will already be running through the list of all possible misdemeanours they could possibly have committed to have caused such an upset, because it is entirely possible that their friend is angry because of something they have done, or said, or not said, or not done, or implied, or inferred or failed to anticipate.

It’s for this reason I need lots of time alone.  It’s also the source of many of my oddities, all of which are hard for me to explain or describe because it just doesn’t make sense in practical down-to-earth terms.  It’s stuff that only makes sense to someone (without this or a similar configuration in their chart) when they’re having a religious experience or moment of ecstatic bliss.  Or when faced with larger than life events, such as when faced with the death of a loved one and they bring the whole meaning of life into question.  In those moments . . . the things I feel every day of my life . . . would then have more context and make more sense to them.

Next I decided to look at the aspect on my chart that is in opposition (180 degrees) from my Neptune/Moon, which is my Jupiter/Sun.  It’s crucial that I understand this other side because it’s my counter-balance.  Until I come to peace with both, I will swing wildly from one to the other.  I have to reconcile both sides (and all 4 of the gigantic influences) inside of me.

Sun and Jupiter conjunction in 2nd house in Gemini.

Sun and Jupiter conjunction in 2nd house in Gemini.

The things that came up in my search wavered from one end of the spectrum to the other as far as how people chose to see this combination.  Here are some samples:

From Sasstrology (and specifically about having a partner who has Sun/Jupiter aspect . . . apparently I’m a handful.)

When ego (Sun) is united with the planet of expansion and philosophy (Jupiter), it creates a larger-than-life personality. Sun/Jupiter is a highly intelligent, optimistic partner. But when his sense of self gets too big, is there room for another person in the relationship?

Jupiter’s full-on influence quadruples the Sun’s energy.

I *have* wondered this myself.  I understand at some level that I’m *a lot*.  I can get so frustrated with myself.  I want to be who I am without overwhelming or scaring people off.  But I don’t know how to just “kind of” be me.  It’s like asking an atomic bomb to “bring it down a notch”.  How?  🙂

From the site My Astrology Book:

You have brought strong and powerful spiritual energy into this world.  You’re very ethical, vital, physically protected, and have much wisdom to share with others.  You’re optimistic, philosophical, generous to a fault, buoyant, love to travel, and will probably do so, to places far from home. 

Okay . . . that seems like a little more down to Earth.  But it’s not really getting at the bigness of the energy.

MoonPluto Astrology says with the Sun/Jupiter configuration:

People forget sometimes that Sagittarius is the sign of prophecy and Jupiter in Gemini sitting with the Sun (YOU) is… to quote a Facebook friend of mine, the intensity and relentlessness of 1,000 white hot suns.

There we go . . . 1,000 white hot suns.  Now I feel like we’re on the same page.  That’s the level at which I’m having to consciously work with and keep under control at all times.  If I don’t, my physical body (2nd house) starts paying the price for it.  So I’m always in flux trying to keep myself healthy by not keeping all of that repressed in me . . . and also with not letting it all out and frying everyone within a 100,000 mile radius to a burnt crisp.  Cuz . . . I mean . . . I deeply *care* about you guys.  My Moon/Neptune is absolutely horrified at what my Sun/Jupiter is capable of.

So the ping pong game that often plays out on this axis/opposition of my chart looks something like this:  Supernova Superstar! —> You Monster!  How could you be so insensitive! {sob uncontrollably} –> I’m super sorry.  I’m a pathetic, self-centered jackass. –> Oh . . . it’s okay . . . I know you didn’t mean it. –> Really?  –>  Sure!  You’re not so bad.  I love you!  –> Supernova Superstar!

This is mostly internal . . . because I have another aspect playing out in my chart that isn’t so fond of my Sun/Jupiter.  And that is my . . . wait for it . . . Saturn in Leo in the 5th house.  (dun Dun DUN!!)

Saturn in Leo in the 5th house.

Saturn in Leo in the 5th house.

I *am* grateful for Saturn, because he helps anchor my Neptune/Moon and keeps me from totally floating off into space.  This is where I gain discipline, strength, and focus if I put in the hard work.  But it’s in the sign and house of FUN!  Noooooooo!

I liked what Night Sky wrote about Saturn in Leo.

Under Leo, Saturn is brought into the spotlight, into the limelight and is forced into doing something that Saturn abhors generally, and that is being the centre of attention and being “fun”.

Bah, Humbug!

In this position, Saturn is forced into showing courage, spontaneity, exuberance and love of life. The result is often a straight jacket.

LOL.  But seriously,

When in terms and face though, and the essential debility of this placement is reduced somewhat, Saturn´s serious and no-nonsense face is a beautiful blend with Solar energy resulting in an old and mature soul acting through an innocent and childlike Leo.

That’s a beautiful sentiment . . . but here’s the reality of it:

The detrimental nature of Saturn in Leo almost always guarantees the humiliation of Saturn in any kind of endeavour in which he tries to act out his original and melancholic nature, for in doing so the fire of Leo will burn away all careful planning, all responsibility and wreak havoc. But for the Saturn who acts out his inner child, who does what Leo tells him and tries to be “fun” it seems as if great respect and honour… those so desired Saturnine gifts are thrown upon him. It is funny that this Saturn although repressed and wearing a straight jacket when he does take to the stage, is so showered with affection and admiration for doing it. But that is the nature of essentially debilitated planets, they are asked to do something they don´t like.

Ack.  Okay.  For some reason this has me tearing up.  {Stop it!  Stop crying! God you are so embarrassing sometimes.} <— says my Saturn in Leo/5th house to my Neptune/Moon.

Guaranteed humiliation when I try to be myself around others.  Yes.  1,000 white hot suns yes.  My Gemini and Sagittarius want to be in love with life and people.  They want to bring joy and laughter to everyone.  And then there’s Saturn with a leash on both of them saying, “NO!”

This is Saturn in Leo's response to Moon/Neptune in Sagittarius.

This is Saturn in Leo’s response to Moon/Neptune in Sagittarius.

I hate and fear attention.  I.despise.it.  It baffles me that there are people who want to be famous.  WHY!?  Why would you do that on purpose?!  But the forces that burn and bubble under my surface, demand to be let out . . . and that is inevitably going to bring attention to me. (godbleepitybleepingbleep!!)  So I most definitely will come crashing through that stage in a straightjacket, because it’s both something I hate and something that comes with just being who I am.  I want to be all noble, poised, and magnificent . . . but do this instead:

That's about as graceful as I get.

That’s about as graceful as I get.

So . . . that’s as far as I got in my search.  When I’m in a healthier space, I can handle way more information than that at a time . . . so that is another indicator for myself to take it easy and to continue to rest.  But doing this helped.  It felt good to share this with you.  (But don’t tell Saturn.)

{Continued in Before I Get To Goofy Dork, I Need To Make A Quick Stop At The Local Abyss }