My Little Furry Care Provider

I was having a really silly dream right before I woke up this morning.  I was sleeping in bed (suspiciously in the same position I was sleeping in for real) when a butler came into my room with my breakfast.  (I think I’ve watched too much Downton Abbey in my life).  My breakfast was a bowl of sugar pops cereal, which I can’t even remember the last time I ate cereal, let alone sugar pops.

I was trying to wake myself up enough so that he knew he could leave, but I wasn’t fooling anyone.  I started talking about some joke that included me teaching French.  I don’t actually know French so my joke was being done in English with a French accent.  Realizing that I wasn’t actually speaking French, the conversation shifted into how much funnier it would be if I taught a class in how to speak French accented English.

I thought I was being a riot.  I could not figure out how the butler was keeping a straight face and patiently waiting for me to actually sit up to eat breakfast, with all of my shenanigans.  So finally I sat up, he handed me my bowl of sugar pops, which I was wondering how he kept them from getting all soggy in the milk and whether the next person the butler was going to, was going to have soggy cereal because of me taking so long to get up.

At this point I started to wake up for real, because I had a little black Gir kitty walking into my room meowing at me.  I was just as reluctant to wake up as in my dream.  At first I thought his motivation was him wanting food.  I knew his wet food dish was empty because I had given him chicken from the day before instead of his usual canned food.  But this cat has never been motivated by food, so I wasn’t completely convinced that that was the situation.

I’ve been slowly recovering from both of my ears and deeper sinuses being blocked for quite some time.  I don’t know how long it’s been going on, but it must have been for awhile.  All I know is that it was reaching a point where I was barely able to get any oxygen into myself.  I began the long process of reversing all of it.  It took a long time to get to that point and so it’s taking a long time to recover from it too.

Each step that I take helps remove a deeper layer.  This has been a process of weeks and weeks.  It’s been like chiseling away concrete using a needle, but I have made some incredible progress.  It’s getting easier to breathe, which in turn is making it easier for me to sleep at night, which in turn makes it easier for me to get through a day before I start hitting anxiety, which in turn puts me in a more overall pleasant mood.

With where I’m at in the process, a good portion of my body that has been basically frozen in survival mode, is starting to relax.  More feeling is starting to come back into me, and with that I’m noticing just how exhausted my body has been from all of this.  So I feel relief, I relax, and then I’m like holy shit I am tired!  I had absolutely no idea, how over time, my body had started to fight more and more for the little bit of oxygen I was letting into myself.  It’s that stupid conditioning thing, where something happens slowly and subtly enough over time, that you don’t realize it’s happening.

So this morning I was almost in a drunk state of relief and exhaustion.  “Omg it feels so good to be able to relax {slobber} I don’t want to get up ever again.”

That’s the state I was in when Mr. Gir came sauntering into my room.  I was too crashed to even get mad at all his racket.  I was able to just stay there in my body, all comfy, not really giving a fluff.  It felt so nice to not become unhinged by what he was doing and my temper coming out.  I laid there comfortably watching what he was doing.

He was putting a paw onto my bed (I’m on the floor), walking himself into my outstretched hand.  Talking and going on and rolling on the floor and knocking everything over.  He was being adorable.  I could see an earnest want or need for me to get up.  This cat was on a mission.

So finally I was ready to get up and I started my morning routine, which Gir knows so well he leads the way.  Into the living room, open the blinds.  Plug in the internet.  Off to the bathroom.  Into the kitchen.  As I willingly cooperated with Gir’s monumental efforts to get his human moving, I noticed a whole change in his demeanor.  He got a little bit of a bounce in his step.  He started to purr so loudly.  He looked so happy.

In my half asleep (but very relaxed) stupor, it hit me what was playing out.  He has found a way to contribute to his family unit.  He has found something that he is good at, and that is useful and helpful.  It’s not just humans that like to feel needed and useful.  It’s not just humans that need a purpose in life.  As all of this went through me, I looked at him with new eyes and became as clear as day.  It was written all over his little kitty face and in his expression.  “Look mommy, look I helped!”

It’s something that I was incapable of noticing before my health started to return to me.

When I got him his breakfast (and mine) and went to sit down in the living room, he came and chilled in the living room as well, looking all extra pleased with himself.  His motivation had not, in fact, been about his food.  He was just doing his self assigned job.  In his own little kitty way, he has shown me more care than many humans are capable of showing anymore.

The little dude cares whether I get out of bed or not.  It may be for his own reasons (which are the best reasons for doing something), and it may not be a conscious thought . . . but it doesn’t matter to me.  I know care when I experience it, and he’s providing genuine love and care.

As for my dream, I can see how the more my health returns to me, so does my humor and joking.  I stop being so super serious about everything . . . I become more playful.  I, in fact, do wake up out of bed saying stupid things that I think are hilarious even if nobody else thinks they are.  And the sugar pops cereal was obviously a reference to being a kid.  My inner child returning.

And no wonder the butler wasn’t laughing at my hilarious french jokes . . . I mean, he’s a cat for crying out loud.  It had nothing to do with how funny my jokes were.  😀

Gir

Love Out Loud And With All Of Your Heart

So a week ago on Friday I had started to feel like I could maybe use a little break from work.  Nothing major, just a couple of days added on to a weekend.  So I arranged to have the following Thu. & Fri. off.  Was totally looking forward to it.

The following Mon. evening I was holding my girl kitty, Raven.  She had what seemed like a nasty cold earlier this year, but she recovered from it alright.  But lately, she had started to look like it had returned.  And then there was her weight loss.  And a few other things the more I thought about it.  Overall everything else was normal . . . but not quite.

Something told me to make a vet appt. first thing the next morning.  I even found myself telling my boy kitty, Gir, to look after his sister.  I suddenly had this feeling like I wasn’t really sure that she’d make it to morning.  I can be a little dramatic in my head, so this is absolutely normal for me.  I put it down to REALLY needing a vacation.

So I got Raven in Tues. morning, and they checked her over.  The vet said that she had a strange mix of symptoms, and most concerning was the weight loss.  Raven will be 7 this June, so they decided to do a senior blood panel.  They also tested her ear wax (been tugging on her ear) and also x-rays.  Before I left they gave me some ear cream for her ears because they did find something that may have been irritating her.  They said they’d call me with the results for everything else by the next morning, and I said to please leave a voicemail if I didn’t answer because I’m horrible about answering the phone.  Initial look at the x-rays looked pretty good.  So no big worries.

In my optimistic sunshine world, I was able to contribute all of her issues down to her ears and that magically the ear cream was going to make her ALLLL better.  Yes.  That’s how it works, right?  I didn’t think anything of it when I didn’t hear back by that evening.  I had a meeting Wednesday morning, and I managed to work Raven into the conversation . . . which I then realized that I should have heard back by then.  I started checking my phone.  I still wasn’t concerned, but something was bugging me way in the background of my awareness.

No.  Ear cream.  She has the ear cream.  It’s cool.  No news is good news, right?  It’s just her ears, I’m totally blowing it out of proportion.

So I went on with my day.  After work I went to pickup my son from college and we went home.  I was all, “I’m officially on vacation, so let’s stop at Starbucks and get Cake Pops!  I’m gonna let loose!”  So the merriment continued all the way home.  I was totally looking forward to my 2 days off and it leading into a 4 day weekend.

After I got home, I checked my phone and oh! look, a voicemail from the vet.  Cool.  Let’s get this over with so I can continue on with my weekend, I’m sure it’s the whole “everything looks good, nothing seems to be seriously wrong” voicemail.  Hit the “play voicemail” button . . .

And what I heard, is NOT what I was expecting by any means.

” . . . regarding the test results, unfortunately . . . Raven has severe Renal Failure . . . suspected Heart Failure . . . severe Anemia . . . ”

My whole world flipped on it’s head.  It felt like all of time zoomed in on that moment.  Then like someone drove a nail through to the center of my head with the single pointed message of, “Raven is dying.”

I glanced at her laying in her box on the floor.  Something in me gave, and from deep within the sorrow came rising up and out of me.  The ground began to give out from under me, and I came down hard crying.  My son had been in the bathroom and he came running out and grabbed ahold of me to comfort me, as I tried to find the words to repeat the news to him.

I call my son the animal whisperer.  It’s like he was born to communicate with all animals.  They naturally come to him.  He has an incredible soft spot in his heart for all of God’s creatures.  So I knew this was going to greatly affect him.

I finally started to collect myself and say, it’s going to be okay.  That this is a part of the cycle of life, and if it’s her time it’s her time, and it’s going to be okay.  Which Raven decided was the time to come join the party.

I tell you, it’s hard to keep your heart from closing and going numb during times like this.

And as a single parent, you have to keep yourself together in order to take care of things.  So it’s especially easy to ignore your feelings in the name of taking care of business.

After that, I felt a need to connect with other people.  Having done a superb job of isolating myself, reaching out means going to Facebook.  So I started posting status updates as a means to not feel so alone in this heart wrenching situation.  It really does feel less alone when you can post an update and know that others will see or read it.  Even if they don’t respond back . . . there’s still a feeling of community.  That feeling of there being a witness to your life . . . that it’s not being lived in obscurity.

Raven before hospital 4-24-14

Thursday morning before going to the hospital.

So my two days that I had planned the week before, were exactly what I needed because Thursday morning I had to take her to be admitted into the hospital.  Thursday evening I transported her to a 24 hr care hospital, where she stayed until Sunday evening.

Raven at hospital 4-24-14

At the 24hr hospital.

She got to come home last night.  And my poor little angel kitty.  She’s only 7 . . . but she’s behaving like she’s 20.  She’s saved my life so many times in the last 7 years with her love.  She got me through all the hospitalizations of my son.  I’d come home and she’d hop on my lap and place all four paws onto my heart chakra area and purr herself to sleep.

Raven back home 4-27-14

Just returned from the hospital.

I’ve had kidney issues my whole life as well.  Between that and the emotional stress from the last 7 years, is it any wonder that she’s suffering kidney and heart failure?  Our pets help us in so many ways that we are unaware of.  Taking on some of the energetic load of our own suffering onto themselves.  Where else do you find that pure of a love?

She’s at stage 4 renal failure and yes, I can see her little body struggle as she rests next to me.  I love my pets as my children.  I don’t care how ridiculous that seems to some.  It’s a blessing and a gift to feel that kind of love for another living being.

When I visited her at the hospital on Saturday, and it was time for me to go . . . I looked back at her in the room with the IV hooked to her front paw and watching her struggle to stand until I had left, kind of like “See mom, I’m doing okay.” . . . I felt the waves of sorrow that continue to wash over me.  The feeling of “oh god, this can’t be happening . . she can’t be dying . . . not my Raven girl.”

It’s hard.  When I can’t handle it and I feel myself cut off from my feelings, I feel myself get mad and thinking things like, “How long is this going to drag out?  Why won’t she just die so I can start grieving? Now my whole life is going to revolve around trying to care for her as she slowly dies.”  I feel like a monster when I think those things.

But then the swell of sorrow rises up through me again, and I’m a crying puddle on the floor again.  And it feels really good to let them out.  To just open up and let it out.  While I may be dramatic in my head, I rarely let those things escape to the outside of me when others are around.

But then I think . . . this IS dramatic.  This is Life Drama coming to me Live!  If this isn’t a situation where it’s okay for me to feel sorrow dramatically out loud, then when is it?  And the answer is, whenever I feel it that deep and that strong.  That’s when it’s okay.  Letting it out . . . not squeezing it tight into me and crying silent tears.

THIS is life.  THIS is a part of living!

My kitty girl who has been a constant companion to me for the last 7 years is dying.  It hurts goddamn it!  It hurts and it needs to be let out.  I need to feel it.  I need to feel the sadness and sorrow of this big thing that is happening emotionally to me.  REALLY FEEL it.  Let it roar through my whole body, giving it a voice.  Letting it be seen and felt and heard.

It’s what reminds us that we’re alive!  I don’t want to shrink from this experience.  I want to walk whole-heartedly into it.  I will not shrink from life and all it has to offer.  Whether good or bad I will face it with an open and aware heart.  I will make it my JOY to care for her in her remaining days.  She deserves my presences and awareness to her situation.  She deserves my open heart and love and bravery during this time of need in her short life.  She deserves to have someone go through this WITH her instead of by herself by me cutting off from my feelings.

It’s our feelings and love and care for others that open us up to them and keeps them from feeling alone.  If you cut off from your feelings for any reason, you leave the people around you in the cold.  You may think that you’re just being responsible or however you see it . . . but the result is the same . . . it leaves others in the cold.  It separates you from others.  It leaves you feeling alone and it leaves others feeling like you’ve left them, even if you’re physically present.

Take it from me, I’ve done it my whole life.  It’s taken a lot for me to see and understand it for myself.  I know it can hurt to feel . . . but only when you fight it.  When you openly embrace it and welcome it . . . it floods you with healing and warmth and love, as well as removing the feeling of being alone and isolated.  I promise it’s far better to feel your feelings than to cut yourself off from them.  That’s a hell I hope to never revisit.

Love.  Love out loud. Love with all of your heart.  Love without shame.

Take Your Soul Back And Love Again

There exists a black smoke cloud entity invisible to the human eye.  It is able to move in and out of humans at will.  It has an intelligence.

We’re all aware of it at some level, but choose to repress it because it scares us.

It doesn’t have any actual power.  It doesn’t have any creative force or life giving energy of its own.  It’s able to mimic and learn, but not create something new all on its own.

However, it is able to convince you to use your creative energy to get done what it wants.  All it has to do, is play upon your weakness.  It finds your weakness and convinces you that your fears are real and true.  That’s all it needs to do.  That’s all it is able to do . . . is convince you that your fears are true.

Because as soon as a human believes something to be true . . . they use their own creative force and energy to bring it about.  And so it’s nearly as effective as the black smoke cloud entity having its own creative power.

I’m not using metaphors, btw.  This black smoke cloud entity is very real.  It is the actual source of fear.

It’s able to cloak itself . . . mimic you well enough . . . that it’s nearly impossible to distinguish it from your own thoughts.  It’s subtle enough to not set off any alarms that it’s coming from an outside source.

As long as you believe your fears to be true, you become trapped in a jail cell of your own making.  You get stuck in an energetic web of your own creative energy.

The greatest “power” this black smoke cloud entity has, is in its invisibility.  As long as nobody is aware of it, it is able to move through undetected wreaking havoc and maintaining control.

It especially targets those with lots of life force or creative energy.  The more life force, light, love, creative energy you have . . . the more the black smoke cloud entity wants you for its own purposes.

Some of the brightest beings currently here are paralyzed in fear due to this combination of incredible light and a lack of awareness of the black smoke cloud entity.

You can see where in your life this will show up the most in your natal chart, by looking for where Pluto is located and what he touches.  In those areas of your life, is where the black smoke cloud entity will show up the heaviest and therefore create a fear surrounding that area of your chart.

It can come through your loved ones, yourself, events and circumstances.  Anywhere the black smoke cloud entity can move and is allowed to influence, it can manipulate and use.

The black smoke cloud entity is not invincible, however.

It cannot control you once you become aware of it and refuse to play its game.  It will try to scare the living bejeezers out of you with what looks like very real threats . . . but it cannot actually harm you.

It cannot control you when you swallow your pride and take personal responsibility for yourself.  Even if you have a weak moment and it’s able to get through and start scaring you, take personal responsibility for moving back out of fear.  Take personal responsibility to gain strength and push yourself past the fear and out of the clutches of the black smoke cloud entity.

Belief and faith.  Believe in things really being beautiful and loving.  Have faith that the beautiful and loving things in life are real.  If you allow yourself to be a Pollyanna with your whole open heart despite the ugliness that appears to be happening on the outside of this world . . . the black smoke cloud entity loses its hold on you . . . it loses its power over you.

When you have the courage to believe in love and happiness, and to act as if it is true despite your fear . . . it loses its power over you.

When you refuse to believe the reality it would have you believe, it makes you stronger and the black smoke cloud entity weaker.

You can 100% guarantee that whatever it is you are afraid of, is the influence of this entity.  It’s the battle that wages on inside of all of us.  Who we are versus what this black smoke cloud entity wishes us to believe because while we do . . . it’s in control of this world.

When you stop believing that your fears are real . . . when you truly believe in your heart . . . then the black smoke cloud entity is forced to set you free.

Forgiveness.

When you can see that the fear and craziness erupting is more to do with this black smoke cloud entity flowing through the masses trying to snag any weaknesses of the heart and exploiting it to hurt the rest of us and weaken our own hearts . . . then you can start to feel more compassion and forgiveness for what we are all going through right now.

Not everything is as it seems.  Just because someone flies off the handle and kills people, doesn’t mean it was the person themselves.  Their only fault is having a moment of weakness in their faith of their heart.  That’s why it is not for us to judge others and condemn them, because we cannot see what battle they are fighting below the surface.

This unseen fight and battle that the black smoke cloud entity insists on being kept a secret . . . hidden.  He wants us to lash out on each other and accuse and blame each other . . . because it creates even more fear and isolation and division between us . . . and it strengthens the black smoke cloud entity.

Not coincidentally, today, transiting Uranus is in exact opposition to my natal Pluto which is conjunct my descendant.  Uranus is about breaking free.  It’s in the sign of Aries . . . the warrior . . . where my rising sign, Venus, Mars, and South Node all reside.  Aries also rules the head.

It’s my 1st house, house of self.  I’ve been facing this black smoke cloud entity head on my entire life.  I’m able to see it and be aware of it and call it out on its own shit.  It has gone through all of my loved ones in my life trying to get at me.

If they have any weakness, flaws, doubts, fears . . . this black smoke cloud entity jumps on it and wreaks havoc both for the individual I love, as well as for me.  This has been happening since the day I was born.

I have gone through periods in my life of being afraid to let anyone into my life, because I knew the black smoke cloud entity would start its shit.  Two different boyfriends actually woke up in the middle of the night, having a very literal black smoke fog over them and trying to choke the life out of them . . . using their fear of course.

It’s been a battle within me to keep my vision clear . . . to understand that it’s not the individual themselves that are hurting me, but this entity.  It’s been a battle within me to keep my vision of myself clear, and to not believe the things that others think and accuse me of based on their fears that are being played upon.  A battle within to keep my strength up even when others start associating the black smoke cloud entity with me . . . because it always seems to come around when they are around me, and start to fear me as if I’m the source.

And it’s been a battle within me to keep forgiving and remembering what is really going on . . . what the truth of the situation of the world is.  To keep persevering.  To not give up my belief in love and my heart.  To have faith that one day, this black smoke cloud entity will be unmasked and everyone will see for themselves the truth and what has been going on.

“Being alone . . . that’s your thing.”

That’s my weakness . . . my wound that is exploited by the black smoke cloud entity.  My pain and my wound of being alone and the fear of continuing to be alone.  That quote is what was said to me in a dream last fall.  The black smoke cloud entity has no mercy.  It has shredded that fear within me over and over.

In the last week, as the opposition between the current transiting Uranus and my natal Pluto has been getting closer, the black smoke cloud entity has been working overtime.

In one dream that became lucid, a dark black shadow being was right on me.  I could feel it with my physical body in my bedroom.  Trying to scare and intimidate me.  It unnerved me a hair . . . but this has been a really long and intense battle between us . . . and I’m really tired of its shit.

And then one morning as I was waking up I got very clearly the message, “You’re a smart girl, back off.”

It was very distinctly a warning.  One that I just couldn’t seem to get rattled about.  There’s a point where you just don’t care anymore.  I’m tired of fighting.  Threaten and scream all you want, but when you’re just bone-soul weary . . . it’s like, “Oh yeah?  Well, fuck you.”

fuck shit up

My Own Physical Body Tries To Protect Me From My Feelings

(Source: The Meta Picture)

Whatcha doin?

Omg you guys, so many puzzle pieces just came together for me and I’m so excited to share.

I was doing my usual morning “laying on the floor and contemplating the meaning of everything” while trying to relax my body so I could feel my feelers.

I felt how my neck and lower jaw muscles were tensing in order to stop emotions from showing.  I thought, “Hmm . . that’s right, I do remember as a little girl whenever I wanted to cry but was in public or around someone, I would stop my tears by tensing my neck area.”

Okay, cool . . . so I was talking to my body and saying, “Hey, it’s super cool that you learned how to stop yourself from crying, but it’s getting old and I kind of don’t want to do it anymore.”  But from a feeling place, not necessarily with words.  I find it works best for me if I emote or feel things towards my body as a way to communicate.

So *then* I became aware of something going on in my head area.  It wasn’t what I would refer to or call my “mind”, but something . . . I guess surrounding the mind?  It’s like it was the top half of my skull, and emanating from the area outside of it.  I only had to wonder about it for a second before the word “will” popped into my head.

Yes, of course!  Will . . . Aries . . . Aries rules the head!  I felt it being the thing that was instructing or giving the orders so to speak, for my neck area (ruled by Taurus . . . it’s our “voice”).  But not only that, I felt all of the areas in my body that were under the direction of “will” in my body.  This is TOTALLY fascinating because my Chiron (or deepest wound and where we become the healer) is in Taurus (rules neck/throat . . . but also represents physical body) and in my 1st house . . . the house of Aries (which my 1st house happens to be ruled by Aries . . . go figure).

So THEN, I was feeling all of these areas affected and being directed by Aries and what came to me was “adrenal system”.  The fight or flight or freeze response.  Our instinctive, animalistic response when there is danger.  This is ALSO ruled by Aries –>Instinct/survival.

At this point I’m already in amazement at the correlations between what I’m experiencing and connecting and how they also line up in astrological rulerships . . . and things that aren’t readily able to be connected.  We tend to learn key words about each sign, etc. . . . but it’s not necessarily obvious why they all belong to a sign, planet, or house.  So seeing these connections in me and THEN seeing that it matches what is in astrology is what had me going all O.O during all of this.

So anyways, I was seeing in vision and actually experiencing in my physical body the areas of my body being told by my “will” that I was in “danger” every time I felt my emotions and feelings.  Every.single.time.  So I feel any of my own feelings, and my body goes “go!go!go! This is not a drill, we are in serious danger, activate the “do not show what you’re feeling” sequence!” and the various areas of my body go into response to stop the feelers from coming out.

Then I kept having a scene from my childhood repeat over and over.  It was a defining moment in my childhood.  I had done something to get myself in trouble and I was getting one hellacious whipping, and I was told that it wasn’t going to stop until I stopped crying.

Boom.  There it was.  Showing my emotions and feelings put me in serious danger (according to my instinctive body), and therefore I go into a fight, flight, freeze response any time they try to show themselves.  Hence the intense fear any time I try to express what I feel.

When we are children we’re more open and flexible, so it didn’t have a huge immediate impact when I was younger.  I was still able to return to my playing and eventually forget what happened and get back to playing Barbies or whatever.  Kids are resilient like that.  But my physical body never forgot it, and so it decided to take care of it at an instinctive level, rather than bother me with it.

As I get older, however, it takes more and more of a toll on me.  I can’t bounce back as easily when I get triggered.  The response has bled over from only happening when I wanted to cry, to happening any time I feel emotions or feelings at all.  INCLUDING feeling joy, love, happiness.

Every time I go into my deeper feelings . . . my body goes into fight, flight, freeze response.  Survival mode.  Shut down.  Close up.  On the defense.

What’s more . . . and the part that has truly been tragic in my life . . . it happens anytime I’m around anyone that I care deeply about.  I get near someone I care deeply about, and my system goes into survival mode and I shut down.  In order to compensate for this, and in order to find any comfort or peace in my life . . . I’ve had to push away, distance, and cut off from everyone I’ve ever cared about in my life.

The only one I wasn’t able to, was my son.  He told me when he was 7 that one of his reasons for coming into this life was to show me love, and now that has even more profound meaning than ever.

I have had to survive on my own for so long, that I had learned to deal with it.  I was “at peace” in a way with it . . . even if I didn’t like it or understand it.  I can push away lovers, family, friends.  But my son.  The universe set it up so that I couldn’t push him away.  I was the only person available to take care of him and raise him.  My mommy instinct wouldn’t let me abandon him.  I didn’t want him to be alone in the world.

So for the next 18 years this horrific battle ensued in me.  Perpetual fight or flight any time I was around my son, but also being unable to get away from it.  It forced me to face those demons in me.  It forced me to push past the terror and fear because as many parents understand . . . you will literally go through hell for your children.  I might not do it for myself, and I might not do it for another person . . . but I sure as hell will do it for my son.

Even if I was screaming at the top of my lungs (silently inside) in searing pain from the constant adrenal response 24/7 year after year, which did result in several breakdowns.  Which is another interesting correlation . . . Aries is a fire.  Fire burns and purifies.  Adrenaline being a very Aries response . . . burns when it keeps happening and it’s not needed and results in anxiety, etc.  In an effort to overcome it . . . I ended up burning and purifying through everything that wasn’t real in me.

It’s also why I always end up alone.  Again . . . Aries.  My south node (something you do *too* well) is Aries.  North node (direction you want to head in this life) is Libra.  I want to be with others.  My soul no longer wants to survive alone . . . it wants to thrive with others.

All of these pieces and realizations are just blowing me away . . . this is amazing to me.  It seems so clear.

I shut down when my ex came last summer.  I was picking everything apart trying to understand why, and obviously it isn’t any *one* thing . . . nothing is that simple . . . but now, with this understanding . . .

I pushed the love of my life away because of this.  That’s why I can’t let it go.  It’s the same situation as with my son.  That push and pull fight inside of me.  They are my heart . . . and I can’t abandon my heart . . . but to feel my heart means to be in shut down survival mode which kills my spirit.

I had learned how to get past it with my son.  But then I got into a relationship which is a different dynamic, and I hadn’t learned how to get past it from that angle.  So I thought it was the relationship that was wrong, and fell back into my old habits of pushing the person away . . . if only to get a break from the searing pain of adrenaline that burns my whole body.

Oh my god . . . I’m so sorry . . . I’m so sorry for what I put you through. 

Consciously Walking Between The Worlds

I have noticed lately that if I have my guard up at all, I start becoming incredibly sick almost instantly.  As soon as I drop it . . . insta-better.  It’s like a light switch in myself that I’m learning how to have conscious control over.  A bit like trying to learn how to wiggle your ears without moving any other part of your body.  A little weird, but so worth it.

When I feel scared or uncertain for extended periods of time, I tend to close up or put up a defense.  And while this did a great job of protecting me when I was younger, it’s now become a hindrance.

Ways that I know for myself that I’m operating with my guard up:

  • I feel alone and isolated from everyone else.
  • I feel colder and more cynical about life in general.
  • I can’t see the bigger picture
  • I can’t enjoy anything.  Everything gives me anxiety.  I don’t feel okay in my own skin.
  • I become hyper-sensitive to everything, allergies go berserk.
  • I start to feel exhausted in body and soul, and like I’m not going to make it to the “finish line”.
  • I can’t feel my emotions.  I’m intellectually aware of my emotions, but I can’t feel them in my body.
  • Life begins to lose meaning and I don’t feel like I have a purpose.
  • Comprehension skills go to hell.  My thoughts become disordered and disconnected.  Everything feels confusing and complicated.
  • I become paranoid/scared, and feel like the world and everyone in it thinks I’m a terrible person.
  • Insincere “love and light” comments make me feel violent.
  • When someone tries to force my attention away from me, a temper tantrum tries to happen.
  • The radius of my awareness is kept very close to me.  I’m trying to keep myself small so that no one notices me and potentially hurts me while I’m down and not able to defend myself.
  • I am only able to do the bare minimum required to get through the day.
  • I don’t feel like I *get* or can handle life.
  • An increased tendency to avoid things that I know I need to deal with.
  • Every little solitary thing I have to do in a day, becomes a HUGE deal.  Nothing seems to go smoothly, everything feels forced.
  • It’s hard to be in public at all, and I can’t hold conversations with anyone.
  • My self-confidence plummets.
  • I am unable to be present in the moment.  I’m not grounded in my body.
  • I have no desire to dance . . . not even alone in my room.
  • I don’t have the depth of air and strength to sing along with my music in my car.
  • I am unable to be creative.
  • I have no inspiration.

Physical symptoms:

  • My stomach cramps/tightens. (Upper half of my body feels separate from my lower half.)
  • Weak all over.
  • Nauseous
  • My throat feels like it’s trying to close, almost like it’s swelling from an allergic reaction.  Sometimes gets sore.
  • I start losing lots of hair.
  • One or both kidneys start to ache.
  • Zero.Libido.
  • Pain in my lower spine and tailbone that becomes intolerable.
  • My toes in my left foot start to tense and flex and hurt in general.
  • Difficulties in going to the bathroom.
  • Monthly cycle becomes hell on earth.
  • Weight gain even though I haven’t changed my diet.
  • My lower jaw tenses to the point of being painful.

I’m sure I’ve missed things, but that’s more than enough.  The fascinating part, is that they all disappear when I consciously work on dropping my guard.  It’s hard for me to define exactly what I mean when I say dropping my guard.  You could also say that it’s what people mean when they say that you are *opened* or *closed*.

The best way I know how to say it for now, is that one is living life through the perception filter of fear . . . and one is living life through the perception filter of love.  One is walking through life feeling inside like everyone hates or want to hurts you . . . and the other is walking through life feeling inside like everyone is a friend.

One is walking through life afraid of all the terrible things that might happen . . . and the other is walking through life excited about all the great things that might happen.

One is thinking that the details are all of existence . . . and the other is seeing all of existence in the details.

One is being dead before you die . . . and the other is making the decision to *want* to be here in life and coming to peace with it.  Quit trying to check out, escape, or wait for it to be how you want it before you’ll agree to engage in it.

If I have to clean the kitty litter . . . I can do it with my body all tightened up, and bitch and complain about it the whole time I’m doing it.  Squeeze myself small, trying to pretend I’m not actually standing there scooping up cat poop.  <— That’s an example of how we live life closed, small, shut down.  It has a physical effect on our body.  Do it over a lifetime . . . and cleaning the kitty litter just might be the death of you.

I love my kitties.  My kitties need the litter box.  I am their caretaker.  Therefore, it’s my responsibility to take care of it.  I am happy to.  I love having them in my life, and they’ve brought 6+ years and counting of total snuggle happiness into my life.  I *choose* to let myself feel joy in doing that for them.  It is my pleasure.  I had to practice it a bajillion times consciously before it became my natural response . . . but I did it.  And now my body is open and receptive to that task.  I don’t shut down and go dark in myself while I’m doing it.  I’m present and open while I do it.  I allow the smell to be there without shrinking in disgust.  It is what it is.  It’s a necessity of life.  It’s a part of experiencing life in a physical body, why do we make such a huge deal about it?

When I’m being vigilant and true to myself . . . I am like this in ALL of my household chores.  I enjoy taking my time being in the moment while vacuuming.  I might sing while I do it.  I might dance.  I let my imagination go free.  Who says we have to do those things all stressed out and upset?  That’s silly.  It’s a part of being here.  What would happen if kids grew up watching their parents clean, nurture, and take care of the home with such happiness and joy?  They would naturally want to help and be a part of it.  Plus, the house would literally be filled with love.  No matter where you went in the house, it would be oozing with love and care.

When things like cleaning my house became fun and joyful . . . a whole new world opened up in my life.  I quit dreading and trying to avoid life.  My health . . . which was pretty bad . . . completely turned around.  Instead of tightening my body trying to disappear and pretend like I wasn’t there or like it wasn’t happening . . . I let go and expanded my awareness so that I was always present . . . even in the face of cat poop.

So that’s what I mean by having my defense or guard up  – resisting or going against life . . . and dropping my guard – opening up to life and participating.  Not hiding from life and everything in it.

Since this post is already monstrous . . . here’s another list of some of the things I experience when I drop my guard.

How I feel when I drop my guard (or at least starting to drop it) :

  • Feeling summed up in one sentence: The sun comes back out.
  • I *almost* feel like I’m giving up, but instead of collapsing in on myself, I expand my awareness while staying consciously aware and letting it take me where ever it is I need to be in order to feel better, and then it slides into a surrender of what is . . . and I feel inside like I’m falling into love.  Sinking into a big warm pink and golden fluffy cotton candy clouds that soothe my entire body and being with acceptance and love.
  • I enjoy every single thing I’m doing. Everything becomes fun and a piece of cake. (yum.cake.)
  • My head feels completely clear, I can see whatever situation I’m dealing with inside out and upside down with clarity and ease.
  • All of the aches and pains leave my body . . . I start to feel weightless.
  • I start to hum or sing and/or dance without being self-conscious about it.  It just feels like the most natural thing to be doing in that moment.
  • I feel all of my emotions deeply within myself.  I call it “feeling with my whole heart”, because that’s how it feels to me when it’s happening.  All of the emotions . . . good or bad . . . feel good to have in this place.  It feels right.  It feels supported.
  • I feel at ease and like there’s no need to rush anything . . . ever.  In that space, I get about ten times the things done that I normally do in the same time frame, and with zero stress.  I call this magic.
  • I am fully aware at all times what is most important in that moment and what can wait.  I’m able to keep shifting priorities around in real-time with next to no effort.
  • My awareness feels like it’s all encompassing . . . it feels like it is everywhere and nowhere at the same time.  Everything feels open and full of opportunities and possibilities.
  • I feel an incredible warmth and love for every person I come in contact with, as well as humanity in general.  I feel incredible love and gratitude for each person just for existing.  It is a deep and genuine feeling.  It makes me want to cry actual tears of joy and pride . . . for . . . I don’t know . . . showing up?  I guess for showing up to life . . . for being born here at this time in our history . . . it’s very difficult to express this incredibly deep and yet insanely expansive feeling that just starts filling up my whole being.
  • I have no desire in me to try and change anyone.  I feel very safe and secure in myself and I’m okay with other people being however they are in that moment too, and zero feeling of needing to judge them.
  • I feel at peace inside.
  • Insight, visions, clarity, information, connections, ideas, inspirations, solutions, etc. become a continuous river flowing through me that I’m able to tap into at any moment for anything that may be needed.
  • I feel fully capable and confident in being able to handle whatever life throws my way.
  • My whole body feels very young again and like someone oiled all of my joints.
  • I can easily breathe fully and deeply.
  • I lose my weight almost overnight, even with no diet change.
  • I have tons of energy.
  • I wake up feeling excited about what new adventures life will bring me for that day.  What new thing will I find out?  What new idea will I have?  What new experience will I have?
  • I start becoming inspired with things that might be helpful for others.  I start seeing all kinds of possibilities of what I could do with my life that I couldn’t even begin to imagine previously.
  • I can’t wait to be around other people.
  • I’m not embarrassed about a single thing about myself or how I am in private or public.  The things I do arise from such joy that I just don’t care what someone else is thinking about it.  I become “Me” out loud and I feel like I have no choice but to be that.  The best thing another person could do with me in that moment, is to shamelessly join me in my ridiculousness.  If they have the courage and heart to do that . . . they automatically have my full love and affection.
  • I laugh.  A lot.  And loudly.
  • I love doing new things.
  • I lose all my fear of public speaking.
  • I’m able to be fully emotionally present for others, especially when dealing emotionally with things like death/afterlife . . . both physical and symbolic (life transformations).  I am very comfortable in that space, even in my joy.
  • It feels like everything around me literally brightens . . . and starts to *sparkle*.
  • I feel warm, loved, and fully accepted by life.  I want everyone to feel that way too.

It is possible to consciously move between these states of mind.  I’ve done it.  I do it.  I still teeter.  Things happen, I fall off the horse. . . . but I always find my way back because that’s a part of who I am.  Figuring all these things out, learning, practicing, determination, persistence, strong will, love, patience . . . helped show me who I am.  I didn’t let others decide for me who I am or what I need to do or be . . . I decided for myself.  I’ve picked myself up from failure countless times.  But I keep going, I keep trying because I know . . . I know the answer is out there and I know I can figure it out.  I believe in myself and I believe in life.

A puzzle I put together entitled "Searching for Peace".

A puzzle I put together entitled “Search for Peace”.

We’re All On This Road Together

This morning I was feeling like my writing has been *off* for me lately.  I used to feel a lot more openness and excitement when writing.  It used to flow more freely and feel fun.  It used to feel really satisfying when I hit the publish button.  But, it hasn’t felt that way lately, and I want to know why.

When asking my journal that same question this morning, I received a surprising answer.  (Such a clever journal I have.)  I wrote:

I think I try too hard.  I think maybe I’m trying to prove something?  Trying to impress?  I think I have been.  I think I’ve been feeling so incompetent in life lately, that I’ve been trying to make up for it with my blog posts.  Like, “See – I’m actually pretty smart and I know things and stuff. . . “

If I’m really being honest with myself. . . I think this may be the truth.

I *do* have a lot of information. . . but I walk through life feeling like I don’t know anything, or that everyone around me knows better than I do.  I’m not consciously aware that I’m feeling this, but it plays out in various ways in my responses and reactions to others.

I wrote yesterday, about how I felt something shifting and changing in me. . . and I do.  But it’s also resulting in a tug of war inside of me, bringing up the very things that have prevented me from being all Gemini social butterfly in the past.  I’m not feeling concerned that maybe I’m regressing, so much as understanding and coming to peace with both parts of me. . . the recluse and the social butterfly.  I don’t kill one in favor of the other and declare victory. . . I integrate and become both fully.

There are many reasons I secluded myself, and all are valid.  Some reasons are from hurt, and some are from need.  Some of the hurt that comes from being around other people, is that I tend to feel like an idiot.  The reasons and whys of it are irrelevant at this point, it’s enough for me to just say that I feel that way.

Feeling like an idiot does nothing for a person’s self confidence.  It prevents me from speaking what I feel and know.  It tightens my throat and my stomach. . . my ability to speak and my own personal power.  So there are all these things that want to come out, but I don’t feel confident enough in myself to own it and speak it around others, or to actually do something with it.  I just keep leading a mediocre life, doing only a fraction of what I know I’m capable of, and feeling like a failure everywhere I go because of it.

Being able to write and publish any words at all online, has been a herculean task for me.  It’s been my way of trying to learn how to speak and live out loud. . . outside of myself.  A way to build strength and confidence, so that I can learn how to say what’s inside of me without tapping out.  Jay even had a dream about it not too long ago, that was very revealing to me.  I was an apple on a table, with a lot of knowledge. . . but I was too scared.  I even fainted.  A fainting apple pretty much sums me up.

But in the meantime, while I’ve worked on become braver. . . I have continued to feel very incompetent in the other areas of my life, and I think I’ve come to lean on my blog posts as a place where I can try and feel like I’m somebody.  That the feeling of lack in the other areas of my life don’t really feel that way as long as I’m writing posts.

That has affected the quality and enjoyment of my writing.  No matter how much I’ve consciously tried to keep as *real* as possible when I’m writing, if I’m not admitting even to myself how I’m feeling in the rest of my life, it’s going to seep into this area as well.  Instead of just feeling and writing for the pure joy of it, I am subconsciously trying to prove myself.  I’m trying to make myself be seen as I wish others in life would see me. . . and that’s not being real at all.

It is so easy to fool ourselves, when we don’t wish to see the truth.

I don’t want my writing to be sabotaged because I’m focusing on how others will see me, possibly judge me, based on what I write.  That goes for writing outrageously (to try and push others away. . . a kind of “I don’t care what others think” mentality) to writing safely (trying to take into account everyone’s feelings and being various levels of politically correct. . . even as I hate on the whole concept of being PC).

My best writings have happened when I came from a place of not having a message in mind.  When I wasn’t trying to be anyone or say anything in particular at all.

To add a whole new layer of honest, it’s been when I didn’t hold myself separate from everyone else.  When I let it be okay for me to be “average”, or “normal”, or just like everyone else.  I was joking with Jay the other morning that I have an inferiority complex. . . but I think that maybe I really do.  I have felt so insignificant, so unimportant in the big scheme of things. . . that I hold myself apart from others because it hurts too much to admit that maybe I’m the same as everyone else

I think a part of me does think I’m better than everyone else. Or *wants* to believe that.  I’m not always feeling this, but it is a part of my shadow side that I need to bring to light so I can give it great big bear hugs.

Otherwise, how can I truly connect with others?  I can’t do that if I’m holding myself higher or separate from them.

And it’s really, really not fair to others.  I don’t want to make people feel like they are less than me, just because I feel like I’m less than nothing. . . in my attempt to try to prove to them that I’m something.

Especially when the basis for it isn’t even true.  Or rather, the perspective is all off.  If you lived your whole life in a room with only the brightest minds of the universe. . . you’d feel pretty average and insignificant based on not knowing the even bigger picture.

What I wrote in my post yesterday, about wanting to have connections with people again, and wanting to be in others lives and vice versa, is coming from a place of just being and feeling like one of the “peeps” here on Earth, and it feels really, really fantastic.

So, I think maybe I’ll come down to Earth, and let it be okay to be human for a bit.

It doesn’t mean that I’m not going to be outrageous, or ridiculous, or change moods (or my mind) in the blink of an eye. . . but it does mean that I’ll get to be those things *with* others, and they get to be those things with me too.

We're all on this road together.

Watch Out World, Cuz Here I Come!

Omg, I’ve started to realize something new that is changing in me that I just had to share (said every Gemini ever).

I wasn’t really recognizing the feeling at first, because it’s been nearly a decade since I’ve felt anything like it.  I’m kind of excited about it!  : D

This last decade has been, more or less, spent in seclusion going through every nook and cranny (is that still a phrase being used?) of my inner self and bringing it to light.  I’ve been observing, understanding, trying out new things, testing hypothesis, changing, throwing out what is no longer useful to me, learning new ways, etc.

I’ve done my lion’s share of floor crying, woe is me, WTF?!, hating, falling apart, coming back together just in time to fall back apart.  I’ve lost lots of friends.  I’ve gained some too, but overall I’ve been locked away in a place that felt like it was my new permanent home.  Anyone that knew me when I was younger in school, wouldn’t have recognized the Jenn I’ve been the last ten years. . . and I feel like anyone who has known me in the last ten years. . . is going to wonder what’s happening with me.  So I’m going to be preemptive.  : )

{This is so exciting!}

I want to rejoin the world!  O.O

I know, right?  : D

And what I mean by that, is I feel a really strong feeling coming back into me where I feel better when I’m connecting with people and being out and about. . . than being at home.  This is HUGE for me!

I am WANTING to connect with others.  I WANT to make friends.  I WANT to build memories with lots of other people and be all, “Do you remember that time we. . . ”

I want to be a part of other people’s lives, and I want others to be a part of mine.

I cannot tell you how good it feels. . . for all of *this* to feel good.  I have been so sick of being cutoff and closed away, but I just wasn’t able to be any other way.  But now. . . NOW. . . it’s changing!!  I am feeling so much relief start to come into me, like “Finally, it’s about damn time!”

When I was first realizing all of this, and I heard all of the ways I was describing what I was feeling come into me, I realized that I was totally describing my Sun/Jupiter Sign –> Gemini.  I’m finally getting to become my Sun(shine).

In astrology, you grow *into* your Sun sign as you get older.  You may show signs of it when you’re younger, but it’s a raw version and quite often the shadow side of that sign.  But as you grow and mature, you grow into a glowy version of it.  Your Sun sign is how you shine.

Here’s why I’m so damn excited.  Try and keep up with me here: Saturn (restrictor, teacher, life lessons) in my natal chart is in Leo (Self Creativity, loves the spotlight, warm-hearted), which is ruled by the Sun.  Leo is the epitome of a person shining their light.  With Saturn in the sign of the sun in my chart (and 5th house. . . which is ruled by the Sun & Leo. . . so double whammy for me), it means that until I master my Saturn. . . my Sun, or way of shining, is going to be restricted.

It looks a lot like the last ten years of my life.  A Gemini with very few friends and who has a hard time being out with people, and would rather die than be the center of attention.

One more aspect that’s played a part in this, is that I have Pluto conjunct my descendant.  Translation: Others scare the shit out of me.  They intimidate me.  I don’t just hand my power over to people, I throw them the whole basket and run in the opposite direction.  I close up, stop breathing, and nearly pass out.  This is super sad for an Aries Rising person. (The rising sign or ascendant is the exact opposite side of the descendant.  Rising/Ascendant = Self, Descendant = Other)  Aries is the warrior, leader. . . the person who gets things done, and goes into things head first.  Watching an Aries Rising quiver, hide, or run is just about the saddest thing you will ever see.

So this is why I’m so damn excited about this definite shift I’m feeling in me: In order for me to truly be feeling the want and need to reconnect into the world and life. . . I must truly. . . and finally. . . be healing.  My dedication and hard work (Saturn) is finally starting to pay off.

Also, I am finally learning how to own my power, even when I’m around other people.  I’m starting to not be afraid anymore.  I’m starting to trust that I’ll be able to handle whatever comes my way.  I’m starting to trust myself to be able to speak and stand up for myself when someone tries to cross my boundaries. . . and not in an asshole kind of way if it can be helped.  But I’m not afraid to go there if I must (Astrologer’s note: Pluto is in Libra . . . and my North Node is also in Libra/7th house.  Oh. . . and Venus/Mars is in Aries.  A delight, I can assure you).

I know that I’ve been working on “healing” for a good portion of my life. . . but there’s a point when you start to wonder if this healing thing is some myth.  Is it actually something that really happens, or do you just learn to live with it and push it aside and tell yourself you are as healed as you’re ever going to get?

But, both last night and this morning when I got up, and I tested out the feeling. . . my eyes grew bigger and bigger with excitement. . . because I’m feeling an ACTUAL shift/change happening in me.  When I used to think about connecting with people and making friends, I felt anxiety, cut off, cold, fearful, weak. . . I couldn’t handle it.  But this morning, I tried on the feeling, “How would it feel if I were to. . . start hanging out with people and chit chat about this and that” . . . and I felt myself become less stressed (yes.  I said LESS stressed. . . how fucking cool is that?!?!) and I felt more opening in me and a warmth and excitement. . . and like, “Yeah, that sounds great! That sounds and feels exactly like what I want to do!”

This is a day, that I never thought I’d see.  This is a real life manifestation of a person.actually.healing!  This is like a frafillion levels of awesome!  Just the idea that it really does and can happen, is kinda blowing my mind.

Of course, this means that I have to change how I approach life.  I’ll have to let myself be open to the opportunities that present themselves.  I’ll have to let go of how I used to respond, and not resist the urge to respond in my new. . . more natural way.  But the cool part that really helps all of that, is that I WANT to do and be that.  It feels really, really good to finally WANT to do it.

{Big Satisfying Sigh}

So, I guess what I’m saying is . . . “Watch out world, cuz here I come!”

The One Affects the All and the All Affects the One

I wanted to delve further into a topic that has come up on its own a couple of times now (And Here We Are and A Little Disclosure).  This is not something I had previously thought out before writing it.  It just pounced into my writing like it had a god given right to be there, and who am I to argue?

The One Affects the All and the All Affects the One

This concept comes from somewhere deep inside of me that seems pretty hell-bent on getting this idea across, because so far any time I get within range of a subject meandering in its territory. . . it takes the opportunity and devours it like a Lion on a Zebra.  {I have no idea why I just capitalized Lion and Zebra. . . don’t ask obvious questions when I’m trying to look smart.}

I’m going to quote the latest I said while in that territory just to get the ball rolling:

How the general population views a group of people AFFECTS THOSE PEOPLE.  It energetically affects them.  Imagine wisps of energetic strings that look very much like fine spider webs.  And imagine those are connected between all of us and our environment.  And when you have a large group of people with a certain perception of a group of people. . . that it relays it down those fine wires to those group of people and they feel it and experience it and are subconsciously affected by it.  Your misunderstanding and misperception of those people HURTS THOSE PEOPLE.

Just in case you’re new in town, here’s the down-low about me.  I’m very intimate with the energetic world.  I was lost in the sauce for a good portion of my life because of being too aware of energies around me, visions, and a lifetime of lucid dreams.  In addition, because of being so sensitive to these things, I *also* had a hard time understanding myself, others, and how we were separate from each other.  Until my late twenties. . . I didn’t understand the concept that I was actually a separate individual from the rest of the herd.  (That is probably a whole ‘nother post all by itself.)

The last decade has been spent in earnest tearing apart everything I thought I knew, and understanding 1) who I am and how I am separate from others and 2) discerning the many different subtle energies I pick up and how they are connected to the *seen* world (aka “reality”).

I’m still learning.  I’m still surprised on a regular basis.  I had no idea that everyone didn’t experience life like I did.  It is *still* shocking to me.  I once had a short period of time where I went “offline” and wasn’t getting my usual visions and energetic connection information.  I felt blind, deaf, and dumb.  I cried a lot more than usual.  And I have a new-found understanding and a sort of respect love for people who aren’t connected into the ethers like me and get through life just fine, because I honest.to.god do not know how they suffer navigate life without it.

So where was I? Ah, yes.

Wispy spider webs.

{Just a sec, I’m in the middle of eating a popsicle.}

{Yum}

Okay, so anyways, I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “We are all one”, and maybe (like me) you’ve heard it so often that you almost feel yourself want to vomit up your lunch when you hear it now.  It’s been said to death.  And really, what does that mean at a practical day to day level?  Does it mean that all ya’ll are going to also help me with my grocery shopping and help pay my bills?  No?  Awwww.  : (

Well, when tuning into the energetics, I get a slightly different perception.  And that is that we are all connected.  I am me, and you are you.  We are not “we” per se, but we are an us.  (I just went all Alice in Wonderland on your ass).  What I’m actually trying to say, is that we are all individuals within a collective whole.  Cells that make up a larger body.

There are these gossamer threads, that very much resemble the threads of a spider -web (but a little more magical), that connect things in the world together.  I guess like the internet, or telephone lines, or even the synapses in a brain. . . but a much more sophisticated type of technology.  It relays information between everything.  Feelings, thoughts, sounds, visuals, etc.  Packets of real-life information.  It can drop off and attach where ever we send our “feelers”.

If I’m thinking about Jay, it relays that information straight to him via our little webby connection.  He may in that same instance think of me for a brief moment.  It’s like getting poked on facebook (but less weird).  If you are sensitive/aware of these things… you can actively work with it.

It works on a larger scale too.  If you are a part of the “American” group, and the overall opinion from the “Rest of the World” is that “Americans” are assholes. . . whether it’s true or not. . . any people, who at any level identifies with being an American. . . will at the energetic level. . . get *pinged* with that data packet.  If you’re aware of it, you can work with it.  You could dismiss it (block it) or you could send one back {fuck you} or {I am love}. . . whatever you choose.

Kind of let that soak in for a moment.

{Contemplating another popsicle, because oh my gosh the last one was delicious.}

{Popsicle nomming has commenced.}

Okay, back to seriousness.

I happen to be a person who is greatly affected by what other people think about me.  People, in a kind and loving effort to pull me out of a crying funk will say to me, “Don’t let what others think of you, bother you.”  And I wish it was that simple.  I am pinged with it immediately.  Someone thinks I’m rude.  I feel “you’re rude” and the associated feelings/information they have about that coming from the person.  It makes me cry.  I try to not show it to anyone.  I’ll keep an expressionless face until I can get somewhere alone where I feel safe before I’ll let myself bawl.  But there it is.  And sometimes, I don’t make it to somewhere safe.  There are countless times when I’m sitting at my desk with a handful of Kleenex trying to frantically remove all signs of a complete mini meltdown before someone walks by.

Call it emotional immaturity if you like.  It’s just a part of how I’m wired, and I’m not sorry for that. . . but I am regularly embarrassed by it.

Even if you aren’t sensitive to energies, you are still affected by these things.  They still have an impact to your life.  And the things you say and do, impact others in this way as well.

That’s how we hurt ourselves when we hurt others.  That’s how we hurt others when we hurt ourselves.  We are constantly sending and receiving all of this information to and from each other individually and all over the world.  Retaliating or getting revenge or “getting mine” is like punching yourself in the face over and over.  Really stupid.

There are so many other things and ways this affect all of us individually and collectively. . . but I think I’ve given the general idea of what I’m trying to say.

The cool thing about it is, it works for all types of feelings/thoughts.  Including the kind and loving ones.  But you can’t just say or pretend think kind things, you have to really be feeling them in order for them to travel the wisps (web was already taken, so I had to think of something else).  But that’s not to say that you deny or try to repress the not so nice things.  Sometimes, that’s exactly what is needed for the moment.

Ok.  It’s after 2am here, so it’s time to take my popsicle eating ass to bed.

I Think It’s Going To Rain Today

Today I feel a part of me wanting to come out that has never voluntarily done so.

A part of me that I hold very, very deep inside of me.  The part of me that I shield and protect with every single thing I have at my disposal.

I’m having to write this very slowly, because any sudden movements make her skitter away.  She’s not used to so much conscious visibility and attention from me.

I typically avoid her.  She conflicts with how I’ve felt I had to be when I’m around other people.  I love her with all of my heart.  But, I know how the world can be, and I feel she must be protected at all costs so that I don’t lose her.

. . . B i g  b r e a t h. . .

This is the part of me that wants to comfort others.  The mother in me.

The one, that when I see heartbreak in another human, my heart breaks with them. . . and all I wish to do is rock them in my arms.  Give them a safe place to feel their pain and to let it out.

Not in pity.  Not even in sympathy.

But because no one should have to suffer heartbreak alone.

And everyone needs a safe place to let themselves fall completely apart. . . so they can release the pain and grief, instead of holding it tight inside of their body and trying to be strong for everyone else.

And because we need a loving witness to the pain we feel.  Someone who is strong enough to see you at your weakest, and not think less of you for it.

Nobody can feel the pain for us.  That is the part that we must do ourselves.  But I do not believe it needs to be done in complete isolation.

Take a moment. . . and step out of yourself.  Think of all of the people you’ve seen all over the world recently, whether it’s from TV or the internet, in person, etc..  Think of the strong emotions playing out.  Such anger and outrage.  Pain.  Crying.  Strength. Love.

Think of the times you felt those strong emotions.  What you were going through inside.  Recall those and bring them back up to the surface.

And now pretend, just for a moment. . . that instead of those people you saw, going through those emotions. . . it was you.  You standing there in outrage at what’s going on.  Or hopelessness of what your future holds.  Fear of not knowing what’s next for you or if you can protect your family or feed them.  Pain and sorrow from what you are forced to witness everyday.  Grief from loss.

Regardless of whether there is a difference in beliefs among us. . . we are all hurting and feeling in the same way underneath.

I don’t know where and when all of today’s bullshit started.  Most likely, the beginning of time.  We are all fighting someone else’s fight from long ago.

Through the eyes of a mother, when I look out at our world, my feeling is . . . e n o u g h.

T h a t’s .

E n o u g h.

A mother’s heart can’t take anymore.

I think we have all suffered for far, far too long.  It’s time to stop now.  Just let it go.

None of us here on this planet right now, deserve this.  Not.One.Person.

We’re all just acting out cycles of pain from generations past.  We’ve inherited their mistakes, their pain, their grief, their anger. . .

Someone has to be big enough to just.let.it.go. . . so we can all start healing.

There Are More Things in Heaven and Earth. . .

Sometimes I feel I am my own worst enemy.  I can work my inner world up into a lather over nothing.  Add in a little sleep deprivation and I’m ready for my own spotlight in a three-ring circus.

Instead of seeing a world of potential friends, I see a world of people that I need to defend myself against.  As I’ve mentioned in a previous post, people scare me.  And I want to understand more about that, because it greatly affects how I live my life and my day-to-day decisions.  It colors my whole world.  I’m actually pretty happy to even be aware of this feeling.  It’s one of my “blind” spots. . . I used to have no idea that this was my basic approach to life.

When I say people scare me, I don’t mean when I see a person I tremble and run and hide and quiver.  What I mean, is when I’m interacting with people, there is this basic instinct to put up a steel wall to protect myself. . . as if every person I  meet is actively trying to kill me.  I know.  A bit extreme.  But there it is.

So I want to try and talk through it right now to see if I can help understand it better, and I’d like to share with you as I do this.  Because I don’t want walls up between me and others anymore. . . it’s way too lonely.  (Learning from my son.)   : )

Inside of me is a super, duper, hyper-sensitive vulnerable person.  I feel everything around me.  I feel other’s feelings as if they were my own, and in fact, it took many years of observation and discipline to separate out what things in me were mine and what belonged to my environment and others.

If I walk into a room that at one point had something traumatic or intense happen (such as a very angry/aggressive fight) I will pick it up in my body.  I will feel the anger or rage expressed, and I will also simultaneously feel helpless and scared (whoever was being raged at) as if they were my own.  You can imagine the insanity a person would live with if they were unaware that they were picking up on something in their environment.

The same with people.  When I was 16, it seemed to sharpen considerably.  I first noticed something was “weird” about me when I hopped onto a transit bus.  There were about 3 other people sitting far away from each other.  I was feeling particularly sensitive this day.  I walked past the first person, and I was hit with what felt like a very thick, black blanket of depression and hopelessness.  I physically felt myself be pushed towards the ground as if gravity had suddenly increased strength.  I felt like I was shoved into a black pit of heavy emotions.  I had tears spring in my eyes and I kind of wanted to die just to make it go away.

I kept walking down the aisle of the bus, and came across another person on my left.  I was suddenly lifted from the dark, black, heavy hole into one of lightness and even a feeling of wanting to hum a tune and bob my head as I did so.

I kept walking and passed the third person.  I suddenly felt less like humming and felt my whole body tighten up.  I felt the warmth leave my body and I felt anxiety and fear.  I even felt some paranoia.  I wanted to run and hide.

So I just kept going all the way to the back of the bus and sat down.  And kind of freaking out because at the time, I had no idea what had just happened.  I was feeling a little bit crazy.  I didn’t figure it out that day, but as I sat on the back of the bus, I took in all of the information of the situation so that later I could continue to work out what had happened.  Now, it seems obvious… but at the time, the idea that a person even *could* feel other people as themselves, wasn’t even a part of my understanding of reality.

So, I can see how this set me up to instinctively put up a guard whenever I’m around other people.  I spent decades first understanding my sensitivity, and then learning discernment between all of the things I picked up and experienced, understanding who I was underneath all of these things I picked up (and had previously thought *was* me), and now. . . I’m trying to learn how to be me, even as I walk into a world that bombards my senses, and not become overwhelmed and lose myself again.

It can happen in a second.  When I’m talking to people, I’m picking up an insane amount of energetic information.  Trying to hold onto my own feelings and thoughts and who I know myself to be, while simultaneously picking up the things they are feeling and experiencing can feel downright impossible.  When I’m talking to a person, I actually have a lot going on inside of me that I’m trying to manage on top of trying to be present and listening to the person.

I’m continuously processing all of the energetic information as quickly and efficiently as possible so that it doesn’t overwhelm me.  So that I can, for the most part, look like a normal, sane person.  And I can quickly become scared if I start feeling overwhelmed and like I’m starting to lose the feeling of myself.  This is where I start getting defensive.  This is where I’ll start snapping at people.

Learning boundaries and how to speak up for myself (that I even have a right to speak up) has been my saving grace.  When I say, “Please give me a moment to process this.”, I’m not trying to be difficult or even contemplative, I’m trying to catch up in filtering through all the information flooding all of my senses and that I’m not *able* to continue conversation, etc.  If the person insists, I don’t hear a single thing they say because I’m in full processing mode.  You know like when your computer says all the resources are in use and it freezes… that’s what is happening to me.

And some of the fear when interacting with people, is that I don’t feel confident that I know how to handle the situation when these things happen to me.  I don’t feel like explaining to every Tom, Dick, and Harry about my sensitivities.  But I don’t know how to explain why I have to do things like I do things without looking like a stubborn ass.  But I’m so tired of trying to pretend that I’m not dealing with all of this all of the time, and I’m so tired of being misunderstood.

How do you explain to a world that only appreciates and believes in things that are picked up by the 5 senses, that you are constantly aware and sense a whole ‘nother world and not be laughed at or dismissed or minimized?  I can see, smell, hear, see, feel things that a good majority of the planet is in debate about  even existing.

By day, I’m a digital analyst.  I have a good head on my shoulders.  I’m very grounded in this world.  But.  There is far more to this reality than you can even imagine.  There is a whole *unseen* aspect that is completely dismissed in mainstream culture.  By doing so, we are dismissing a great deal of who we are too.  We are not just the things our 5 senses pick up.  We are far, far more than that.

So, I think my fear of people, is that when I’m around them, I feel like I have to hide (bury, kill?) half of who I am.  And I’m reaching a point where I can’t stand to do that anymore.  But there’s no vocabulary or dialogue to have those conversations and not make it awkward.  How do we bridge the gap between the two and make both a part of our everyday life?

Maybe that’s what I’m here to do.  Maybe that’s been the point all along of me being so grounded and of a scientific nature on one hand, but also being very aware of the energetic world and how it interfaces with “reality” and all the things believed impossible in our world.  It’s very much like seeing “the man behind the curtain”.

I don’t really know yet what my purpose is.  I’m just speculating and finding my way in the dark like everyone else.  And following the bread crumbs.  I know that it is very stressful for me to be around people for too long, and now I have a better understanding of why.  I know that I don’t want to feel lonely anymore and want to put my defenses down.  And I know that I can’t sacrifice or deny half of who I am.  Which means. . . I have to learn a new way of being.  I have to learn how to be all of me, even as I interact with people from all walks of life, in a way that is respectful and loving.

This is what I need in order to be able to live a life of just being who I am, so that I can put down my guard around others, without fear of losing myself . . . and start seeing a world of potential friends.

Thanks for sitting with me as I talked through this.  This learning how to put my guard down is pretty scary (terrifying) for me, and you being here helps me learn how to do that in a safe environment.  Here, have a { {H u g} }.

And here’s something just for giggles: