Hello?

Loneliness is a strange thing in my mind.  It’s not always obvious to me when I’m experiencing it.  It’s not always obvious to me when I’m trying to hide from it.  It’s not always obvious to me whether it is me that is lonely because of cutting off from everyone else, or whether everyone else is cut off from me.

As I speak, where Venus (What we love) is currently located in the sky (Taurus 3 degrees) is the same degree that my natal Chiron (Wounded Healer or Deepest Wound) is located.  Even when a planet as lovely as Venus comes near something that owie in our chart, it is going to hurt.  I don’t relish when any contact is made with this degree on my chart . . . but I also learned not to run from it.  At least with Venus, it helps soften it enough for me to summon my courage to keep my eyes open as I look at it, even as I’m saying “owie owie owie owie owie” through my tears.

Because I do want to see it.  Even if it’s gross and gory with broken bones poking out of the skin, and makes me wanna throw up.  How else can I take action to make it better if I don’t know what I’m dealing with?  Either way it’s going to hurt, but at least this way I have a chance of some day being free of it.

While in most cases I don’t have any problems going where angels fear to tread, Chiron is one area of my life that I pretty much have to be tricked into facing.  “Oh look Jenn, what’s that over there?  Is that cake?  That’s definitely cake.  You should go check it out.”  Otherwise it’s a whole bunch of nope.

Nope Finger

 This is in my 1st house of self, so it’s like a linchpin anchored into the core of my psyche.  It’s also conjunct (right next to) my natal Mars & Venus which are very personal planets.  Well, and them both being in Aries, you can’t get anymore personal than that.  So inevitably, to get to my personal Self, I have to navigate the ninja land mind that is Chiron within me.

Chiron in mythology was an immortal and revered centaur who was a great healer and founded the ‘school of heroes’ in which many greats were trained.  One day he was accidentally shot with a poisoned arrow (one of Hercules) and despite his extraordinary healing abilities, was unable to heal the wound.  He was in incredible pain, but because he was immortal he was unable to die.  He had to learn how to come to peace with it.

One day he comes across Prometheus who is going through his own miserable existence from having stolen fire from the gods and was being punished by being chained to a rock and every day having his liver eaten by an Eagle and every night growing a new liver.  (I have to hand it to the gods for coming up with some pretty gnarly and yet creative punishments.)

Because of Chiron’s own personal experience of dealing with an agonizing situation of his own, he felt compassion for Prometheus’s situation.  He couldn’t heal himself, but he could help Prometheus and in doing so . . . he *did* help his own pain.  Chiron offered to give up his immortality to Prometheus which would free him.  Prometheus became immortal and broke free from the rock he was chained to, and Chiron dropped dead.  It was a win/win.

Actually, Chiron was given a place in heaven as a constellation for his great sacrifice and is now all sparkly and magical.

I have to tell you though, I’m less than thrilled about this being in my first house of Self.  It’s not in my house of Other where I come across others that are wounded in life.  It’s not in my house of Humanity or large groups of people that were wronged in history.  It’s not this thing that I encounter outside of me where I can see it and look at it objectively and figure out how to help from the comfort of my own skin.  It is this *thing* that has always been present with me since birth.  And I can’t be who I really am unless I walk smack straight into this pain and just stand my ground within, until I am strong enough to be able to bear it without passing out.

It’s like trying to get emotionally strong enough to be capable of performing open heart surgery on yourself.  You obviously have to stay conscious and fully present the whole time along with great discipline and endurance to stomach some raw gory shit.

There’s a point where you have endured so much pain for so long with no let up or relief, that something else starts to take you over.  Something that transcends normal everyday existence.  It’s too much to hold onto and live with, and so your choices become to either die or to let go of things that really do not matter.

I think it’s also important to understand that this pain I live with, I was born with.  My mom said I suffered night terrors from birth.  I remember having dreams that were so real and lucid that I was traumatized by them over and over.  One dream I remember when I was six, was of being a girl of about the same age in a house that was on fire and the smoke and flames were getting into my room.  I was trying to get out but the doors and walls were too hot.  I was trapped and forced to my bed where I started to lose consciousness from not being able to breathe.

I became fully lucid during that dream which felt as real as real life, but I could also feel my current six year old body thrashing on my real bed and me screaming at myself to please wake up and even scratching at my eyes trying to force them open so that I could end the nightmare.

I have never really been able to talk about this ever present pain in me.  There are no words for what I experience inside.  I wish I could.  I want to.  Not for sympathy . . . not for pity.  Not for attention.  It’s this burning need to try and reach anyone else out there that is going through this same pain and have lost their own voices to express this indescribable *thing* that they live with every day and who nobody ever truly hears and who are never allowed to truly speak and who feel alone in life because of it . . . to say that I understand your pain and that you are not alone.

There is one thing that living with this pain does not do, and that is procure a desire to compete with other people about who hurts or suffers more.  My need, my desire to be heard is not one born out of selfishness and need for attention.  It is not to get my way or to excuse my behavior.

You know how sometimes a person will yell out when they’ve cut or hurt themselves unexpectedly before they get control of themselves?  That is the same need in me that pushes me to find a way to express it.  I don’t talk about my stuff to whine, never moving on with my life, I am driven to find words to say it, to share it.  And something about sharing it, heals something in me.  When it reaches someone who knows this same pain, it has the ability to help heal something in them too.

In fact, if I go too long not actively working on this and doing this, the pain becomes crippling in me to the point that I can barely function and then I have to start all over again to get back to the same point I was at before.  Just like Chiron where he was in pain but couldn’t heal it for good, but he also couldn’t die.  I have no choice but to deal with it in the manner that it needs to be dealt with.

If I had to put a name to what it is that pains me right here and right now, I would say that it is the same as the night terrors I had when I was a child where I am conscious and lucid both in the sleep state and in the awake state.

I am aware of my soul Awake state at the same time that I am aware of my sleep human state and my soul Awake state is thrashing around trying to wake up from this night terror that we are all living in and think is real.  It’s not.  This is exactly like a bad dream.  You have to shake yourself awake, it’s time to wake up!

Please remember who you really are.  Please remember your soul and who you were before you were born here and lost all of your memories.  Please shake off the amnesia.  Please become present and come more fully into your body.  Please drop all of the petty and trivial shit now and remember yourselves!

I don’t want to be alone in this anymore.  I need for you guys to start showing up.  Where are you?  Are you out there?  Anybody?

 

A Tale Of The Kitties And The Moon

Have you ever tried to get a cat (or any animal for that matter) to see or notice the moon in the sky?  It’s an exercise in futility.  They look at your finger, they look at the window, they may even look outside, but nothing you do can get them to see and comprehend this big white blob so plainly in the sky.  It is outside of their awareness and so to them it does not exist.

Even if they did look at it, they wouldn’t necessarily ponder it.  They wouldn’t think it was anything more than what it appeared to be.  It’s a flat light that moves across the sky.  A big fat so what?  Why are you making such a big deal out of something so ordinary?  Sometimes a flat light in the sky is just a flat light in the sky, it doesn’t always have to mean something deeper.

God, humans!  Making things so much more complex than they really are.  {kitty eye roll}

kitty rainbow

What would happen to little kitty’s head if he knew what it really was?  It would probably explode because it goes too far beyond his current comprehension.  He would have to slowly build up to that realization by starting off with something much more common and at his level.  He would have to be led slowly and patiently step by step to help his mind connect from where it is now, to where it needs to be in order for the Truth about that white light in the sky to make any kind of sense to him.

Really, his head wouldn’t explode.  He just wouldn’t believe it.  If he’s stubborn enough and not open to learning or is too afraid, he may even deny it and fight against that ideology to the end of his days.  Grumpy cat.  Hell, he might even start a war over it.  Little kitty sized tanks with little kitty sized helmets.  Setting catnip ambushes.

Catnip High

Or maybe he would tell anyone who believed differently than him, that they’re an idiot or gullible and would believe anything.  He might come to the wrong conclusion and then normalize it.  “It’s just a goddamn hole in the sky, and everybody needs to get over it!”  Maybe one day he gets curious and secretly starts investigating it and becomes one of the kitty conspiracy theorists who is weighing the alternative and less popular belief that the moon is made of cheese and is actually the Overlord of the mice who are waiting for the right time to rise up and take down the kitties.

people need me

Now imagine, as humans, watching all of this unfold.  Just sitting on the sidelines with our buckets of popcorn.  We know what it is.  We even *tried* to tell the kitties what it was.  But did they listen?  Noooo, they knew better.

Some of the kittens believe us.  They know.  They are still open to things greater and bigger than themselves and so they’re able to stretch their awareness and imagination wide enough to allow for the moon to be what it is and not try to make it less or different than what it is.  They think grown up kitties are just playing a big game and pretending to not know what the moon is.  Adult kitties are so silly and the kittens make promises to each other that they won’t be like that when they get older.

cat moon

How hard would it be for an adult kitty to convince one of us that the moon is only a flat light in the sky and nothing more?  How long would it take for the kitty to break down at our “stubbornness” and refusal to see it his way?  How long before he would start throwing insults like we’re just being close-minded and think we know it all?  Telling us we think we’re SOOOO special.  Telling us that nobody really knows the answer and therefore we’re all at the same level and playing field.  We’re all the same.  We’re all equal.  He knows just as much as us.

o.O

To us humans, the accusations and ranting wouldn’t even make sense.  You can’t argue it because it’s nothing to do with the reality of the situation.  A human baby is not any less than a human adult, but that doesn’t mean that you make the human baby apply to college and start a job right out of the womb for crying out loud.  They are not the same.  They are not equal no matter how much kitty wants them to be.  There is nothing wrong with not being equal.  That is not the fundamental issue, but how do you bridge that understanding between the humans and kitties?

Sophisticated kitty

So kitty takes our stunned ‘wtf silence’ as being right and goes around being all Superior Kitty and does a lot of meow-yodeling at the other kitties about how smart he is and how he knows better.  {human eye roll}

What if you were the only human in a community of adult kitties for your whole life?  Would it be harder for them to convince you about their perception of the moon?  Would it be harder or easier for you to see the moon for what it really was?

And let’s say you did have a spark of inspiration and you just knew . . . knew with all your heart and soul what the moon really was.  Maybe because you could sense the other humans on the sidelines watching all of this (because by this point in kitty kingdom, the kitties have gone so far off the path of Truth and are so wrapped up in their own way of seeing things that they can’t even SEE the humans anymore.  Too caught up in Kitty Drama).

jealous-cat-memes

The (now) unseen humans keep shouting out the answer, and it’s silently pinging the part in you that is human.  A part of you that you didn’t initially even know existed because the kitties never talked about this feeling you got.  So sometimes you go off to be by yourself away from the kitties so that you can become more aware of this other part of you and it’s from becoming more in-tuned with this part of you that you got this bigger understanding about the moon.

How hard would it be to even just hold onto that thought, feeling, and knowing inside of you as you went about your day to day activities fully immersed in kitty culture, and everything within it echoing their perception and understanding about the moon which was completely counter to how the other part of you knew it to be?

Day after day of hearing their way, their way, their way, their way.  Year after year.  And you don’t want to be alone . . . you love your kitty family and kitty friends and you want to connect to them, be a part of their community and life.  And so it becomes easier to pretend that it really is the way they say (even if it means to ignore the part of you that knows otherwise) because you just want to be close to them.  You just want to love them.  You just want them to know that they are loved no matter what they believe.

jesus cat

But they take their beliefs so seriously, that their ability to love is as limited as their beliefs in bigger things existing, and so they can only love in the same limited way.  If you want to feel love how they know it to be, you have to make yourself as small and limited as their beliefs allow them to see, otherwise you are invisible to them.  They start to not recognize you.  They do not believe in you.  You might as well not exist.  Just like the real Moon.

I think that would make it extra hard.  Your choice comes down to believing what isn’t real or true and them loving you and feeling like you belong, or remembering the truth and what is real and becoming invisible and being misheard and so misunderstood that you have no choice but to be alone.

But let’s step this scenario up a notch.

Let’s say that the sideline humans had an idea.  What if some of them decided to dress up like kitties and become a part of the kitty community and see if there was any way to learn the Way of the Kitty, and then try to speak the Truth to the kitties by using their own language?  The only issue is that in order to be totally convincing, you had to go through a process in which you forget that you’re not really a kitty.  It would be up to you to remember once you got fully immersed into the kitty community.  How would that look?  A human dressed as a kitty who doesn’t remember initially himself that he *isn’t* a kitty.  That sounds like the makings of a novel called, “How Kitty Ended Up In The Padded Room At the Loony Bin.”

cat dragon

How would other kitties see you and those other pseudo-kitties?  Would you be diagnosed with kitty disorders?  Would you be in kitty special education classes for sucking ass at catching mice and purring.  Would you be in trouble all of the time for disappointing your kitty parents and kitty teachers for being so difficult and stubborn?  Would you feel like a retarded kitten?  Would you feel alone?  Would you feel worthless?  Like you failed at being kitty?  Would you wonder why you were ever born at all?  Would life seem too hard and like you didn’t get it?

Would you be waiting for other kitties to see your true worth?  Would you be waiting for them to tell you that you’re not *really* a kitty, but a human pretending to be a kitty and that that’s why things don’t make sense to you.

funny-cats-decoration-live-disguised

No.  You came to help them see the Truth of the Moon.  You can’t do your job if you get hung up on not being loved and understood by them.  You have to learn how to stand on your own without validation, support, or recognition from the kitties or anything outside of you.  You’re there for something bigger than yourself.

You don’t have the time or luxury to get hung up on things that don’t really hold any value because they’re just illusions that the kitty imaginations got caught up in like a massive tangled ball of yarn.

kitty string

Don’t get caught up yourself in debating all of the kitty theories about the moon because that’s not what you’re there for.  Learn about them, yes, but don’t get caught up in them like they are the truth or real.  Never lose perspective.  Just learn about them and what they believe then learn how to align, or connect, or bridge what they believe to what is real and true.

Help build the steps between the two, but if you start to believe what they do, you may become just as stuck and limited as them.  And some of the kitties don’t want to see the Truth.  That’s none of your business.

wakup die

You’re only there to help the ones that are willing and wanting to.  Trying to convince the ones that don’t want to know the truth, is exactly the route and path to getting caught up in that ball of yarn yourself and forgetting why you’re there in the first place.

So if a kitty tries to convince you that there’s nothing special about the Moon, just remember within yourself that sometimes a flat light in the sky, is much more than just a flat light in the sky.

 snapping cats

Here Comes Trouble

I had another interesting dream last night (awww Mercury in Pisces, I love you).

Within the dream, I watched as a group started to pack up a mobile museum into the back of a large pickup truck.  I don’t know whether it was the mascot or what, but there was a live horse that was a part of this group.  They had packed him into the back of the truck first . . . like he was one of the inanimate objects of the museum.

He was laying on his left side.  His legs folded up and against the side of the truck closest to me.  He had straps going across to secure him and keep him from moving around too much during the trip.  They were going to pack the rest of the things in around him.  Someone was giving him a food dish, and said that he’d also need water so he didn’t die.

During all of this, my dream became more lucid.  I didn’t understand what was going on, so I was just observing.  But something was pulling on my feelings about it.

I never stopped looking at the horse . . . he was an off white color.  I very slowly continued to approach the vehicle as I tried to understand what was bothering me.

He just laid there.  He had just let them arrange him however he needed to be without fight or struggle.

This wasn’t setting well with me.  But based on the situation and how everything appeared . . . how everyone acted . . . there was nothing wrong.  Everything was exactly right and proper.

But I had a distant memory nagging at me . . . “but where is his spirit?

I had this distant knowing or memory of horses not being like this.  That at one time horses were symbolic of being wild and running free.

Why was it going against what this reality was showing me?  Why did I keep getting glimmers of  a feeling like I wanted to cry?  Why did something not feel right about this?

I looked into the horse’s eye.  I felt a connection with the horse.  It pulled on something deep within me that I had forgotten.  The feeling of wanting to cry kept coming and going from me like breathing.

The deeper I went into the connection between me and the horse, the stronger the need to cry became.  The more a forgotten memory started to come back to me.  The more I started to become aware of something so incredibly painful inside of me that I had purposely forgotten in order to get relief from it.

But it was also something I desperately missed.  Within that pain was something that I missed with all of my heart.

His will . . . his will was broken.

My will . . . my own will was broken when I was younger.

When trying to domesticate a horse . . . they must be “broken”.  To break an animal or a person is to break their own personal will in order to do the will of another.

There’s refining someone’s will in order to fit into society and get along with others.  That’s the whole Aries –> Libra axis.  When we’re first born, we have raw personal will.  As we grow older, we learn how to refine it into something more polished and hopefully more beautiful . . . but the person should still retain something of themselves in that process.

They should still have their own personal will.  This is the energy or thing that motivates us.  It’s how we know what we want.  It’s how we go after or approach challenges.  Do we go after what we want . . . or do we let the forces around us decide for us what we’re going to do or not do?

The wilder something is . . . the harder it is to break.  There are some things that aren’t meant to be tamed or domesticated.  Being wild and free . . . is who they are.  To see them broken . . . like the horse I saw in the back of the truck . . . is almost too much for my heart to handle.

There are those who are so controlling and filled with ego, that they will go to any length to break a wild thing’s will.  To show dominance.  To have a trophy.  To feel good about themselves because they are so lacking in confidence and will themselves.

Sometimes they think it’s for the wild thing’s own good, either they break it or the world will do it.  It’s perceived as an act of love.

Let me break you . . . so that you won’t have to suffer the pain of the world breaking you.

What a tangled web human’s weave.

In my chart . . . I’m about as wild and untamed as they get.

I had such willfulness when I was younger.  To the point that I had no concept of asking for permission to do anything.  If I was playing with some toys in the house and suddenly had an image of the park flash into my mind . . . then I’d simply stand up and walk out the house and go to the park.

I can’t imagine how many heart attacks I gave my parents.  I knew what I knew, and I knew what I wanted.  What they wanted did not register into my awareness at all.  It didn’t even make sense to me.  What did my wants and needs have to do with them?

My dad is from the Appalachian mountains.  You don’t get away with shit when you’re from the Appalachian mountains.  You either do as you’re told by your parents, or your ass is grass.

My ass was frequently grass.

This comes from having to survive in very harsh conditions in the mountains.  My dad’s family is from Irish heritage.  The Irish weren’t really wanted over here.  So they were forced into the areas that nobody else was able to survive, and forced to find a way to survive.  And they did.

I come from strong stock.

But it also forced the families into living in constant survival mode.  This means everything is a life or death circumstance.  This means, when your parents tell you to go do something, you don’t sit there and whine and break down that you’re scared.  It means you suck it up and get your ass out there, or everyone may die.

So then the getting your ass whipped every time you disobey becomes understandable.  It’s to keep you from dying.  It *is* being done from a place of love.  The thing is, after a few generations . . . you no longer remember why it was done, only that it is.

So even though I didn’t grow up in those circumstances, I was raised as if I was.  But obviously, something needs to change.  This means that eventually in one of the generations, someone is going to be treated that way as a child . . . but they’re going to have to find the strength and will to overcome it and NOT break the will of their own children.

And that someone would need to have an enormous amount of will.

So . . . ta-da.

As my favorite shirt said when I was growing up, “Here comes trouble”.

All I know, is that my dad must’ve REALLY loved me.  Because that man did not back off or give up in trying to get me to understand the rules.  I would’ve been exhausted trying to raise me.

My mom’s family is more from a refined societal background.  I supposed considered more “civilized”.  But the dark side to Libra, or the sign of refined manners and all things beautiful and harmonious, is in becoming so passive that you basically check out of doing anything for yourself.

So my dad did severe disciplining, and my mom stood back and did nothing and just kind of checked out and became a victim.  Libra can also be kind of judgey.  Sit and judge the “animalstic” behavior of others, while not seeing their own part in what is playing out and not doing anything about it for themselves.

My dad always looked like the bad guy.  My mom always looked like a victim.  But if one had the ability to look at the energetic dynamics playing underneath the surface of what was being shown . . . and I did and I do . . . then you can see that my mom was equally at fault.

But our society is only interested in making judgments based on what can be seen and proven, and so until we get past such juvenile thinking . . . we will continue to have aggressors and victims and cannot progress past wars and people going hungry.

So I’m not interested in hearing that I was severely abused.  Maybe I was.  Maybe I wasn’t.  It doesn’t matter.  All I’m interested in, is stopping the bullshit from continuing past my generation.

However, I do need to recognize what happened when I was younger so that I can put myself back together and be an agent of true change in the world.

My will was broken when I was younger.  It was so severe, that I literally broke my lower back when I was around 6 or 7.

I was in Germany and sledding by myself.  The snow was so slick from all the people sledding earlier in the day, that my sled went way too fast.  In short I ended up face down in the middle of the road, paralyzed from the waist down.  And down the hill to my right was a big ass car coming, and they weren’t going to be able to see me in time.

So I closed my eyes and pulled on everything within me, and I willed myself to move.  I didn’t want to die SO BAD . . . that I literally willed my paralyzed self to move enough to get to the sidewalk.  I got out of the way in time, and the car stopped anyways to ask if I was okay.  I said I was fine.

I spent the next hours in excruciating pain crawling an inch at a time to get back to my building and up the stairs.  The whole time I was willing myself better.  By the time I got to my mom, who was thankfully at a neighbors on the first floor instead of our fourth floor, all I could manage to get out of my mouth was that I had a stomach ache.  I said I wanted to throw up.

So she gave me Pepto-Bismol and had me lay down.  That was the last I thought about my lower back, until years later as an adult, when I got a 360 degree x-ray at a chiropractor’s office and the guy’s eyes about fell out of his head.  He wanted to know when I had broken my back.  I looked, and yes . . . it was scary looking . . . but mostly because it wasn’t until then that I had understood fully what I had done all those years ago.

It had snapped, twisted a little and fused itself back together, causing a slight curve in my spine.

So will.  I haz it.  Or I did.

After that day . . . my will became less and less.  Because I was young I had a lot of energy still . . . but never quite the willfulness I had before.  I quit fighting things so much.  I quit wanting things my way.

I had been broken.  Literally.

I do believe that things happen how they’re meant to.  I needed to know life without my willfulness so that I did understand the Libra side of things.  And the only way that was going to happen, is if it was severe enough.

Once I had done what I needed to in that broken state . . . it was time for me to heal that break in me and come back to myself.

So while staring into the eyes of the horse . . . I began to remember a previous existence from when I was a younger girl.

A time when I had such spirit and a strong will to live.  A time when my spirit ran free and I believed I could do anything.

A time when I wasn’t afraid of being myself around others.

I’m returning to that part of me, but there’s a difference between now and then.

Back then, I didn’t know what it was that I had that the other’s around me lacked.  I didn’t know what set me apart from anyone else.  I didn’t know what to call the energy and joy and spunk that naturally came out of me.

But now I can see that it was will.  It was confidence.  It was an open-heartedness to life.  It was love.  It was joy and hope.  It was the essence of life itself.  A flame of life that lives within me.

After having gone without it for so long, I now know the value of what I hold inside of me.  I know how rare and precious it is in the current world, and it’s up to me to protect and guard it . . . to never let it go out in me again.

I am and have something of value.

When I’m respected and valued by others, I am more than happy to share all I have with others.

But try to take it from me by force, or keep it for your own, or treat me like I’m not worth your time . . .

Then Here Comes Trouble.

zebra kick to the face

The Golden Gate

This post is probably long overdue and will be including some examples of my ghetto drawing abilities.

It’s actually related to an email that I sent a friend in an attempt to translate TBs (terabytes) of energetic information I was receiving at the end of September, into something that was less . . . wordy.  However, my visual art skills are lacking.  As in, I will wonder what is wrong with you if you *aren’t* laughing at them.

As I’ve mentioned in other posts, I’m very aware of the “unseen” world.  I lump all of what I sense, see, feel under a general umbrella of energetics.  There needs to be a whole new vocabulary added to our language for what is going on . . . but for now, people tend to get the gist of what I’m referring to if I just call all of it energetics.

There is a LOT going on in that arena the last few years.  There’s a lot going on inside of us that goes beyond our understanding of what we grew up with or what we were taught when we were younger.  We’re all heading into uncharted waters.  Well . . . that’s not exactly true . . . the information was passed down over thousands of years, but it’s all encrypted in symbols and stories.  I’d prefer something that said “Step 1: Don’t forget to breathe.  Step 2: . . . ” but nope.

But it’s okay . . . because the whole point of the changes we’re going through as a collective at the moment, is to feel out our own (*new*) way.  It’s a process of moving from depending on outside authority, to trusting and understanding our own inner authority.  Your very own self-regulated moral compass.  Imagine not having to have others tell you what is best for you or what you should be doing?  Imagine knowing and feeling that out for yourself.  And imagine that, as it becomes standard practice for everyone to be tuned into their own hearts, that everything harmoniously works out because it’s tuning into the natural rhythm of the universe.  That’s where we’re headed.

But one step at a time.  First, I’ll start by getting my feet wet in my initial attempt at communicating an abstract concept related to the changes many are beginning to experience right now.  For what it’s worth, any information I share is from personal experiences of taking those concepts I’ve received either through dreams, energetics, or what others have shared and applying them directly to my very own day to day life and working out the kinks by trial and error.  It is from my very own knowing and understanding through living it, and not just repeating things I’ve read in books or online.

Today, what I wish to share, is a shift or process within ourselves that goes from living a life from the viewpoint of “mini me”, to living life from the viewpoint of your Larger Self.  From small you to “Big Girl”/”Big Boy” You.  And although I have this under the umbrella of energetics, it is also a very physical process.  It is very real.

I’m not expecting you to immediately understand what I mean when I say things like “flowing through your core” or  “divine energy”.  I have come up with my own words or labels to try and describe things.  It’s not a situation in which it is something everyone else knows or understands except you. There’s a simple solution for picking up what it is that *you* specifically need to get out of this, which is to not hold on too tightly to my verbiage.  Let it be fluid.  Focus on what it *feels* like for you.  Don’t worry so much on what I may have meant . . . so much as how it feels and corresponds to what you feel inside of you.  Use this as a stepping stone to begin the connection and a whole new relationship and understanding of yourSelf.

I’ve referred to this process as “Getting to Larger Than Life” and even once as “The Adult Children’s Guide to Being Avatar Awesome!”, but it could just as easily be called “Getting Out of Your Own Way and Opening Up to Life Furreals” or “Letting the Sunshine In”.

I’d like to introduce you to George.  He will be our run of the mill basic human body that I will be using as a model.  Minus the arms and legs.  And everything else.  Except the head and torso.

George Basic Body

George has reached a point in his existence where he’s starting to reconnect back to *home*.  He’s starting to feel things again that he hasn’t felt since he was a child.  Awareness outside of ordinary day to day things has begun to expand.  The feeling that there is something more . . . something bigger.  OR maybe George is just trying to figure out why he’s become sick all of the time.  Exhausted, headaches, congested, stomach cramping, insomnia, etc. and the overall feeling like life has become such a huge challenge and things just aren’t like they used to be.

Unseen or energetically, there is an influx of energy coming from “above” and moving into us through our head.  Imagine a large cylinder or pipe inserted at the top of your head and going through your whole center body.

George With Downward flowThe energy coming in, is gold in nature.  I call it divine energy because that’s how it feels to me.  It can feel big and intense, especially if you’re tensed/resisting/blocking it.  One way to know if this is happening, is when you become ill in any way.  Blockages and resistance can happen when we try to run or avoid ourselves or the things we know we need to face.  These become emphasized when things such as colds or flus go through and pushes our body’s limits.  If you’re open and unblocked enough, you may not even know it was ever there.

Btw, I’m greatly simplifying here on purpose.  I’m only highlighting or calling out one area that is an integrated part of a much larger process going on.  So, I’m oversimplifying so as to not overwhelm, but (obviously) this isn’t all that there is.

When you do block any area going through your core, it tends to stop/block/restrict the flow.  You can gain a lot of information depending on what is hurting or having trouble in your body.  And you can always trace those injuries/illnesses to thoughts, beliefs, understanding, or social conditioning.  If you think you can’t, then you’ve hit a blind spot within yourself, and is most likely an understanding that you’ve had in life since you were a child and it hasn’t occurred to you yet to question whether it still holds true for you, i.e. social conditioning.

Ironically, you often need someone from outside of yourself to help you see these.  My rule of thumb in the past has been that if I hear 3 or more people independently accuse me or saying a similar thing about me . . . I might want to swallow my pride and start looking into the possibility of it being true.

While the blockages can happen anywhere along the path through our center, I’m going to focus and illustrate the blockage in our solar plexus.  Our personal power.  Because this is where we are generally stuck as a collective.  (In general) We give our power away.  We depend on authority outside of ourselves.  When things happen that we don’t understand, and/or our outer authority has kept us in the dark or doesn’t seem to know what the hell they’re doing either . . . we tend to become afraid, and we move into survival mode.

When we become afraid, we instinctively tighten our stomachs in defense . . . to brace and protect ourselves.  When this becomes a standard way of being . . . we cut off from our lower half by tightening more and more.  We lose our ability to relax.  To enjoy the things we used to enjoy.  We begin to lose our ability to feel safe, loved, warm, and secure (as well as giving those things to others).  We start to become defensive.  We stop trusting in life, in others, and in ourselves.  We lose confidence.  Life loses its warm glow.  Things feel cold, grey, and lonely.

So when we have that gold energy trying to come in through the top of our heads (often times feeling like actual pressure moving through our body), and makes its way through the core . . . and hits the solar plexus area that is tightened from so much fear . . . it starts to pool up.  You may start to feel good, or experience things you haven’t experienced before . . . but the potential you have with this gold energy will remain very limited while you are still holding your body in fear or trying to defend yourself from things that scare you.

George Blocked FlowIn this picture, you can see that as the energy tries to get in . . . it starts to slow down as it funnels into the ever increasing blocked/closed/tightened area.  And here is the #1 reason I harp on people about being Real with yourselves.  You can think you *are* being honest with yourself ALLLL you want . . . but if you aren’t really, truly being honest with yourself, this area . . . this gate . . . will.not.open.  If you do not humble yourself, get past your pride, forgive, have compassion . . . it will.not.open.

If you look closely at this image, there is a golden wheel above the “hourglass” block.  (Btw, for anyone who studies esoterics . . . take a good look at the red symbols and you will find a gold mine of information regarding what is going on here.)  That golden wheel represents the most you can become or shine while you are blocked or in fear.  It is the limited you.  It is the smaller you.  It feels okay.  But it’s also frustrating as fuck.  Because somewhere inside of you, you KNOW you can be much more than you are.

And even the okay feeling won’t last for long, because it cannot stay there.  It’s like a baby being stuck in the birth canal.  If it doesn’t come all of the way out, the baby can’t sit there and grow into a full adult within the birth canal.  The choices become, coming all of the way out and being born, or going back where it came from and leaving (dying).  So if you have this block, and you don’t put in the hard labor needed to open it (being honest with self, healing, forgiving, stop trying to control everything) then the gold energy will be forced to retreat and leave.

It can even be seen as “spirit”.  If you let your spirit die . . . this is what is happening.  The gold/divine energy has to retreat until you *are* ready to put in the necessary work.  It’s not about punishing the sinners or even karma as people understand it.  It’s about getting over yourself.  You can blame and fault anyone and anything else you want, all day long . . . that’s your right.  But the truth . . . the reality . . . is that in the end, it’s YOU that holds you back.

Now, as I’ve said in other posts/comments, it’s not that I’m saying what happens to us in our lives is fair.  When a young child is abused, causing them to shut down their power center or gate at a very young age . . . it *isn’t* fair that it’s still up to them to put in the hard work to heal and overcome the hurt in them.  To me that is the TRUE tragedy of child abuse.  The initial abuse isn’t nearly as devastating to an individual, as the realization and resulting process they have to go through in order to overcome it.  It’s either that, or live an entire life of misery and suffering.

So when I say to people to please be open and honest about what is really going on inside of you.  This.is.why.  Because this is the gateway within you to freedom.  Freedom from your customized, self-imposed prison.  This is where the Phoenix dies and is reborn.  This is where you leave the life of victimhood, powerlessness, illness, and pain behind . . . and begin living a life of grace . . . joy . . . and happiness.  This is where you get to shine and BE everything you came here to be.  It’s where miracles happen.  Magic.  Synchronicity.  All of these things begin to increase when you are heading in the right direction, because you are beginning to move through this gate.

When you send a prayer . . . it’s through this core.  When you receive a response . . . it also comes through this core.  If you are closed tight due to extreme fear, worry, judgment, etc. . . . it CAN’T get through into this world.  You are your own judge.  And how you judge others, is how you judge yourself.  And your judgment and perception of the world is held like a library within your physical body.  And over long periods of time it can result in illnesses, leading eventually to death.

You are not powerless.  You HAVE a choice.  It’s not an easy one.  It’s not for everyone.  But it IS there should you decide that you want to try another way.  It takes a lot of courage, honesty, faith, trust, patience.  It requires that you slow down and pay attention to what the fuck is going on around you.  It requires that you re-evaluate your beliefs and understandings.  It requires you to let go of everything you thought you knew and understand about yourself and life.  It requires that you find the courage to change and do things another way.  It may result in losing contact with lifelong friends, and even family.  It means turning your life upside down.

The doorway to peace . . . heaven . . . freedom . . . is located on the other side of hell.  You have to walk through the dark, in order to reach the True Light.  I cannot put it any simpler than that.

I know, because I went there.  I personally did it.  I reached it.  And I could have stayed in that place, the place within myself of eternal peace, joy, and love.  Nobody would have faulted me for staying in that space.  But that’s not why I came to Earth.  That’s not the role I chose.

I consciously made the decision in the summer/autumn of 2012, to come back from the other side of that gate.  I had found home . . . I found the golden land, while still incarnated in a body.  I had found peace within.  I got to experience what it felt like to live in a constant state of grace for a couple of months.

Since then I’ve gone back and forth across the gate . . . from a state of remembering to forgetting over and over . . . in order to understand it enough to begin communicating and sharing the information I have gathered with others.

It’s tricky because it is a unique journey for each individual.  Each person has their own unique perception and filters to how they experience and know life.  There truly is no “one” way to get there.  But I do understand that we can each get there, by just being true to ourselves.  Being you . . . the real you . . . IS your map and compass.  I can help shine light on things, and I can wear a path between here and there to try and make it MUCH easier for you than it was for me and others.  But the actual walking of your path, is completely your choice and your responsibility.

When you’ve reached a point of opening, where you’ve learned to let go of the past and forgive yourself and others for whatever has happened, where you’ve learned how to be at peace with what is and not trying to make things how you think they are supposed to be, when you’ve come to peace with yourself and your life, furreals . . . not just pretending, really wishing you were, or for show . . . and have begun to learn true humility

. . . a magnificent shift begins to happen within you as this gate . . . as the lotus blossom within you begins to open.  It will feel like an actual unfolding and opening is happening within your lower body.  You will begin to feel such relief within yourself.  You’ll begin to understand and know intrinsically that everything is going to be alright . . . that you can let go of trying to control everything and everyone around you.  It will feel like you are taking your very first breath of fresh air.  You will not be able to stop yourself from feeling an immense welling of gratitude and love for all of it . . . everything . . . both in your personal life as well as the whole thing called life in general.  Things will begin to clear . . . you’ll start to understand things that never made sense before.  You’ll start to remember things you never knew you forgot.

I could go on and on.  There is no way to oversell it.  But you cannot reach it by forcing it into being or trying to pretend you’re there.  It just is.  It’s the reconciliation of duality and yet those things don’t go away.  You just learn what is needed and being asked for (and it can be anywhere on the map of polarity) in any given moment without effort, struggle, or judgment.

It is the most natural way of being there is.  All you’re really trying to do is remember your way back.

When that begins to happen (and it’s not necessarily linear . . . usually you’ll start popping in and out of it before you enter it fully and more permanently . . . like the tides coming in or when you’re bobbing up and down in the water), and the gold energy starts to be able to move all of the way through you uninhibited, then . . . that little golden wheel that was getting stuck in the birth canal, is able to be birthed into this physical world and expand and shine without limit.

The sun within (the solar plexus . . . and indeed it is our energetic gateway connection to our actual solar sun) is able to shine through us . . . we become the Sun.

George With Sunburst

Okay . . . so my solar plexus circle is showing a little high.  Eh. {shrug}  When you are in this state of being, your sense of being becomes huge.  You feel really big and open . . . and yet fully protected.  You have no need to prove anything.  You aren’t defensive.  You aren’t scared, in fact you feel calm and cared for.  You feel so much love coursing through every fiber of your being . . . that your “cup spilleth over” . . . you can’t help but let that golden energy spill out into the world around you without even doing anything.  It’s a force of nature all on its own.  The larger you shine, the more people that benefit just from being in its presence.  I want to say your presence . . . but it’s so much more than that.  It is A Presence.  You can’t help but LOVE the freaking bejeezers out of every single individual you come across . . . and feel such gratitude towards them for just EXISTING.

It’s the most beautiful way to experience life imaginable.  It’s everything a person ever wanted and more.  The ONLY thing I personally wanted more . . . was to somehow be able to give that experience to everyone else.  That’s my motive.  My hidden agenda.  I don’t want to be there alone.  I want every single one of you mother fuckers there with me.

So I’m not here to judge.  I don’t care what you’ve done.  I only care in the sense that it snags you up and prevents you from reaching personal genuine happiness and joy in life.  When I’m being blunt with people, it’s not because I’m unfeeling and insensitive (and so what if I am), it’s because I’m too aware of how small potatoes it is compared to what is waiting for you on just the other side of that door.  It’s more like . . . yeah, yeah, move it along . . . so we can get to the fucking pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  Put down that nasty jar of black tar shit you’ve been carrying around, pretending that’s who you are, and let’s get moving to the jars of pure golden honey that await you.  Seriously.

It’s Going To Be Okay

There’s a lot going on in the world at the moment.  There’s a lot going on in individuals at the moment.

There’s been a sharp increase in the last few weeks of people experiencing their first anxiety attacks.  During this same time period there has been a sharp increase in people having vivid/lucid dreams . . . who normally never remember their dreams at all.

Many of the dreams point towards an event that is coming.

The discussions surrounding the event are typically met with disbelief, fear, relief (bring it!), or an onslaught of bible verses.

I have had lucid dreams pointing towards this time my entire life.  I have also had a lifelong issue with generalized anxiety.  Maybe there’s a correlation.  : )

To those who are experiencing these things for the first time, please know that you’re not alone.  And please know, that it’s going to be okay.

Please know that there are many of us surrounding you in your everyday lives, who have been going through this for some time . . . and we know how to help during this difficult time.

First and foremost . . . b r e a t h e.

When you feel like things are beginning to overwhelm you . . . stop whatever you’re doing . . . close your eyes . . . let everything go . . .  and slow yourself down enough to be able to take at least one full breath all of the way in as deep as you need to in order to feel like it was a deeply satisfying breath.

It may take a few times, but keep trying and slowing down your internal rhythm until you get that one breath in.

Secondly, don’t be afraid to open up to others and talk about what’s bothering you.  You may be surprised to find that others are having the same concerns and fears, and feeling alone in it too.  Anxiety is heightened when you feel alone in your situation.

To those who have already been dealing with these feelings for years . . . I kindly request that you start letting yourselves be known so that others know where to turn for guidance.  This is the time, and this was the reason for you going through all you did ahead of time.  You are greatly needed right now.

Remember how scared you were . . . confused . . . lost . . . alone.  And have mercy on those starting to experience these things.  Be present with them and their fear.  See them.  Let them know it’s okay.  Hug them.

There is one thing I know and see with all of my heart.  And that is, when the moment of truth comes, and we’re all faced with our physical mortality . . . is when we will all truly show ourselves and see each other for the first time.  We will understand and know within our whole being at a depth previously unimagined, how much we truly love each other.  How much we truly love everyone.  How much everyone truly loves us.

And it’s going to be okay.

Warm Colored Sky

The Story of Life

I had it deeply ingrained in me from a young age to always be honest.  I took this very, very seriously.  Too seriously.  Like to my detriment.

There was a movie I watched a few years ago called, “The Invention of Lying”.  It was about a world that looked very much like ours, except that people were incapable of lying.  It was some inconceivable, abstract thought that had never been thought up.

I was excited about seeing the movie because I had always wished for a world with absolute honesty.  I was even feeling pretty smug about getting to see how right I was about how much better the world was before lying was invented.

But it was horrible.  I was so focused on thinking that lying was the reason everything was such a mess, that I completely missed what “lying” adds to our lives.

In that world, there were only documentaries on factual things.  There was no imagination . . . no creativity.  There was no such thing as storytelling.

And intrinsically, within me, lives a storyteller.  I love embellishing and feeling into things.  I like to imagine how things might be or feel in different situations.  I like to try things out and see how they feel, and then take them off and try on something else.

This is how children learn.  They mimic.  They may pretend they are a serious woman standing in line, and do all of the body movements and facial expressions exactly like her, just to feel what it’s like to be that woman for a moment in time.  They may find that they like it, they may find that they did not like it.  But that’s how we learn about ourselves and our environment.

I have continually had an inner struggle between being me . . . and being “honest”.  But honesty is such a slippery, abstract concept.  It leads into philosophical debates that could go on forever, that involve reality, wormholes, and bunny slippers.

But today, when walking downtown, I looked around at all of the people walking by.  I watched the cars and buses stopping and going.  I kept thinking, “The Story of Life.”  All of those people have a story they tell about themselves.  That they tell about others.  We all play pretend about who we are.  We even say, “That will be a great story to tell your grandchildren when you’re older!”

Everything *here* is a story we are all telling.  We NEED stories.  We love a good story.  Stories hold value whether they are true or not.  They let us try on different feelings and ways of being to see how it suits us.  It’s a way of learning.  It’s a way of being.

If I had to name a single sign in the zodiac that represented the “storyteller”, it would be Gemini.  Well, actually the whole Gemini/Sagittarius axis.  The individual stories of pretend, and the world’s (or universe’s) stories of pretend . . . sorry I mean truth.  : )

In my natal chart, I have a sun sign of Gemini.  Conjunct (same place, or together with) my sun is Jupiter.  Jupiter expands whatever it touches.  So, I’m not just a simple, small Gemini storyteller. . . I’m a HUGE liar storyteller.  Directly in opposition (180 degrees away – the opposite side of my chart) is my moon conjunct Neptune in Sagittarius.  The moon is our emotions, our past, how we are comforted and nurtured.  Neptune is our connection to Spirit/Divinity, other worlds, imagination, the dreamtime.  Those are 4 heavy hitters all in strong/tight contact with each other in my chart . . . and not a one of them is about being realistic or grounded in the “real world” as we’ve known it.

So this unhealthy obsession I have with honesty goes against my very nature, and while I insist on it to this level, I am unable to accept who I am inside.  I NEED to be able to tell things in wild story form.  There is truth within those stories.  I NEED to be emotionally dramatic.  I need to be able to change my story from day to day, because things are always changing.  Thinking that things are stable and consistent forever and ever IS the illusion.  That’s the story we tell ourselves everyday that we currently believe, even though it’s not (and never has been) true.

I’m able to switch and change between stories so easily, because I’m not attached to them.  I don’t need for them to be true.  I know that they are stories and that really, none of this is true.  It’s all pretend.  We’ve all agreed that it’s real, but that doesn’t mean it’s true.  (See. Trying to define honesty becomes a slippery slope, my friends.)  We’re all just really good at pretending things that aren’t true.

However, just because I’m not attached to my stories, I think it’s important to point out that it doesn’t mean I don’t care deeply.  Because I do.  I care deeply about the soul and person inside.  Because I’m not attached to the stories, I can see past them and to the person at the core.  That is where my focus is when I see and feel people.

It’s not just that though.  I hide the “Me” that I am inside, too.  I have almost never, ever let her be seen by another person.  I felt that part of me trying to surface yesterday morning, but I felt my muscles around my mid-section constrict to prevent it from happening.  Keeping me from fully relaxing and being at peace within myself.

When I felt into that tightness within me, I realized that it’s me trying to prevent the real Me from surfacing and being seen by anyone else.  I can’t even let myself out when I’m alone.  So I tried to gently feel into it, trying not to scare it away.  I asked why it was so scared to come out, and I asked what it meant to be Me.  And this is what I found out . . .

“I am afraid to be Me.  I feel really big inside.  I care.  I try to pretend like I don’t care, but I do.  I care about other people so much, that it makes me angry.  And ashamed.  I am completely ashamed of how sensitive I am, and how much I care about people and the world around me.  I feel thoroughly embarrassed about it.  I don’t want anyone to ever, EVER see how much I care.  It makes me feel weak.”

People affect me profoundly and deeply.  When I’m not at my keyboard . . . when I’m alone with myself . . . is when I try to process and move through all of the things that affected me so greatly during the day.  When there is a misunderstanding or a fight with someone or  a friend (yes, even with you, Janaki) . . . I cry for days trying to get through it.  It is utterly humiliating to me how much each person affects me.  I hate it.

I put up a strong defense, because I don’t know how else to protect myself.  Because I don’t know how to handle being like that in front of another person.  I see how people react and respond to people who are emotional and sensitive, and there’s no way I want to expose myself to that.  I have not found a model yet, of someone who has found a way to stand strong in their sensitivity and own it.  All I see, are sensitive, caring people closing themselves off from their feelings . . . and telling themselves they have a “thicker skin”.

I don’t know how, but I’m going to figure out a way.  I’m going to figure out how to fully be that sensitive, caring person . . . but to let it empower me . . . strengthen me . . . instead of feeling weak and diminished by it.  And just thinking about how much strength that is going to take, I can better see how being that way in a world gone mad . . . is a far cry from being a weakness.  To have the courage and strength to still feel strongly, to still care deeply about others, and to be able to show that you still care . . . is very brave.

I am very afraid to do this.  Terrified, even.  But it’s reached a point where it takes more effort to try and squelch or hide it, than it takes to just be it.

And that’s my story.  That I take way too seriously.  : D

Super Serious Stuff

Gir contemplating his life story

It’s Happening

There are large cycles.  There are smaller cycles running within the larger cycles like a giant wristwatch full of gears.  Things repeat.  Stories people told about things that happened long ago, later become the prophecy of a future yet to come.  An ebb and flow of forgetting and remembering.

The story is repeated and echoed in all things great and small, waiting patiently to be seen and discovered once again.

This has all happened before, and it will all happen again.

A fine red dust starts to enter Earth’s atmosphere, initially undetectable.  Over the years, as it slowly increases, it begins to accumulate on the surface below.  Nothing really noticeable.  Maybe some start to notice a light pink color builds up around their faucets and where ever else water is used.  The few who bother to inquire about what it is, hear that it’s some sort of bacteria, so they think nothing of it and move on.

For years, this continues.

Sky 1

In the meantime, technology continues to advance rapidly.  Things continue to happen faster and faster at an exponential rate.  What used to take decades now happens in months.  What used to take months now happens in days.  What used to happen in days now happens in hours.  Instead of using that freed up time to do the things we love, value, and enjoy . . . we push ourselves to work harder on things we have convinced ourselves are important, in order to get more things that we think will make us happier.  It never does.  Instead, we just become disconnected from ourselves and each other, and we become lost.

Because we’ve become so busy in our pursuit of happiness, we’ve become less aware of ourselves and our surroundings.  The more unaware we become, the less we understand . . . or even remember what used to be really important to us.  Since we can’t think of what is important to us anymore, we become less motivated and inspired about life.  We start looking for something of importance, but there isn’t time to dig deep, the pace is too quick . . . so we latch on to whatever *seems* to be important on the surface.  Maybe based on what our employer tells us is important.  Or what we hear or read from others.  Who knows?  Who has the time to really figure it out?

Life begins to lose meaning.  It loses excitement, fun, and joy.  It becomes harder and harder to relax.  Things become more and more serious.  Darker.  We move into avoidance to try and save ourselves from this place.  Alcohol, shopping, reality tv, politics, finances, war. . . anything to make this awfulness go away.  We start to close off from ourselves, because the accumulation of all of the things that were truly important to us that we avoided dealing with over the years is starting to catch up with us.  We don’t know where we are, or how we got there, or what to do about it.  When we start to close off from ourselves, we are also closing off from others.  Becoming more guarded . . . defensive.

Trust and intimacy start to break down.  Isolation.  We start to feel alone in our pain and misunderstood.  Power struggles become more pronounced.  Confusion.  Survival.  Which leads to control and manipulation of ourselves and others because we’re scared, lost, and no longer know what the fuck is going on.

At some point, there is an acknowledgement that something is *off* in the world.  Something is going on.  But because no one has been paying attention, or have been actively trying to avoid it because it’s too much to handle on top of all of the other things exploding in our individual lives . . . nobody knows what is happening.  All effort goes into continuing to not face all of the things we avoided the last decades in our personal lives, as well as avoiding what is happening right outside our windows.

Meanwhile . . . this fine red dust has been gently drifting and collecting all over the globe.  It’s more noticeable now for anyone paying attention.  The leaves on some of the trees begin to turn a curious red shortly after they unfurl on the branches.  One tree has some of the leaves turning a deep red . . . almost purple.  Another tree has a light dusting of red on the surface of the leaves.  A cedar tree here and there has a branch that looks rusted, as well as the pine trees.  Some of the bushes have something curious happening with them too.  Plants with red spots spreading across the leaves.

Tree 2

Tree 3

Tree 4

Bushes1

Year after year, this continues.  The leaves begin to dry up immediately after they’ve come out in spring.  Some trees never dropped their dried up leaves from the year before.  Once it is noticed, it becomes hard to ignore because it’s affecting so many trees and plants.

Tree 1

But, who has time to worry about what is going on with the trees, when we’re not feeling well ourselves?  It sometimes seems so hard to breathe.  Headaches, nausea, vertigo, disorientation.  Stomach cramping, weakness, fatigue.  Fevers, hot flashes.  Hair loss.  Many who have never had a problem before, struggling with anxiety.  Adrenal exhaustion.  Kidney infections.  Liver trouble.  Heart problems.  Mental & emotional problems.  Depression.  Suicide.

The populace seems to be struggling increasingly with anger, violence, and rage.  Stress levels continue to rise, and accusations and blame start to get pointed at each other.  Everything under the sun is getting blamed for why things are like they are.  It’s because of you, it’s because of me, it’s because of the government, it’s because of the financial markets, it’s because of the wars, it’s because of people’s negativity, it’s because of past lives, it’s because of the sinners and it’s god’s wrath and punishment.

Or perhaps, those things are all stemming from a physiological response to something that has been silently coming into our atmosphere for many, many years?  However, we’ve become so focused on immediate surface responses . . . that we think the things we are feeling and experiencing are due to what is immediately in front of us or the people around us.  We don’t stop to think that maybe it’s something bigger than all of us . . . and that we’ll all be facing it together.

It makes beautiful red, pink, and orange skies.  Beautiful surreal looking pinkish clouds.

Sky 3

Sky 4

Sky 2

It affects the oxygen levels in the water. . . and related to the massive fish deaths.

Where it’s coming from, affects our electromagnetic field . . . and the bird deaths.  Birds have metal material in their brains, that is affected by the electromagnetic field . . . as do mammals . . . including humans.

It is affecting our sun.  Our weather, our seasons.  The weather on OTHER PLANETS in our solar system.  Earthquakes, sinkholes, volcanoes, meteors.  Electronics and electricity.  Our ability to think clearly.  Our health suffering in general.

You can see the affects of it by scanning the headlines.  Train derailments.  Airplane crashes.  Increased violence and senseless crimes. Fires.

And no.  There’s nothing we can do to stop this thing from coming.  It’s happening.

It’s a part of a larger cycle.  It’s what was being talked about in all of the old myths and legends.  It is remembered and then forgotten again.  The stories handed down over generations by Native Americans, was one of many ways that our ancestors attempted to get the information to survive long enough to let people know . . . thousands of years down the road . . . of what would be coming.

We are not the first to go through this.

Ancient texts from around the world, talk of the deluge.  They all have their different versions of why . . . but they are all speaking of the same event(s).

People, just like us . . . who are just trying to get through each day . . . and maybe find a little bit of happiness . . . went through this thousands of years ago.  It wasn’t just people in robes who were less intelligent than us, it was people just like us.  And they weren’t being sinful and evil in the way that they’ve been portrayed in some versions of the story . . . they were suffering from the effects of the precursor red dust that comes in long before the devastation actually happens.

Prophecies are describing what others have witnessed and survived from prior cycles.  The easisest way to pass on information is through storytelling, dance, & song.  For thousands of years from one incident to the next, people stop believing the stories are real because it doesn’t apply to them.  We have them quarantined in our heads as stories, and so it’s hard to make the leap or connection to real live events happening around us.  There are real, physical, and scientific reasons the things described in prophecy were happening.  So don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.

There are those who only believe in what they see in physical form.  So, the signs are showing in physical form what is happening.  There are those who only believe in what they get intuitively or from the spiritual side of life . . . So, they know what signs they are looking for.  You can think of this as the rational/logical/scientific mind vs. the creative/spiritual/faith-etheric mind.

During this time, keeping these two parts within us separate . . . is a big mistake.  It causes a human being to be “closed”.

If you are all spiritual, but refuse to acknowledge that you are in a human body . . . then you will be at the mercy of its animalistic instinctive nature during times of crises, because your body WILL pick up cues in its environment and act accordingly.  This will manifest as anxiety, anti-social behavior, feeling like a victim, helpless, powerless, etc.  Quit trying to escape your body, and come down to earth and come to peace with the fact that something is happening on a physical level . . . and currently you ARE in a physical body.  Deal.with.it.  Care, nurture, and love your body that is here and scared and NEEDS you.

If you are all physical, and refuse to acknowledge the unseen and the signs that were given in religious and spiritual texts, and believe those things to be unreal or flights of fancy . . . you will be at the mercy of the fear of the unknown.  You will also respond more from an animalistic instinctive nature, rather than from conscious, clear thinking.

If you are cut off from either one, you are closed.  Some of you are closed from the waist up (ones who only believe in scientific proof), and some of you are closed from the waist down (ones who are all spiritual and are trying to escape their bodies as things get worse on the planet).

Many are a mix and conflicted.

It is important to be opened all of the way through.  The warnings and practices given in religion, wasn’t so much about being all holy, as it was trying to convey and communicate what you have to do in order to stay clear and conscious during these times.  It’s NOT about some people being good and some people being evil . . . it is about some people being open and some people being closed.

We’ve associated evil with some made up fantasy that we couldn’t possibly be.  “Oh, I don’t sacrifice babies . . . so I’m not evil.”  Wrong.  All “evil” is, is being closed up.  Being heavy and burdened with energy.  Fear, worry, resentment, etc. are heavier energies.  If you won’t open up (forgive, let go, surrender) then you HOLD ON to those heavier, darker energies and are weighed down.  If you are taking life super serious, and trivial things feel like a life or death situation. . . you are closed at some level, heavy, darker, and therefore . . . “evil”.

So be as self righteous as you want, it’s totally your call.  But if you don’t get over yourself, start opening up, and letting go of shit that is really, really not important in the greater scheme of things . . . then you are going to *literally* be in the dark.  If you can get over yourself, open up to what is actually happening . . . both in the unseen and the physical world . . . you will lighten up.

The REASON for this, is because the stuff going on with the electromagnetic field, and the red dust (iron oxide, btw . . . we’re all suffering from increasing toxicity . . . aka “ascension symptoms”) is destabilizing everything.  Everything we thought was permanent or forever, is suddenly not.  You know carbon dating?  The thing they thought was so stable that they use its half life to determine how old things are?  Yeah, guess what?  It’s NOT stable at all.  So anything based on it to date things, is actually unreliable.  Think about how many things you believe in life that is based just on that one thing.  That is, and has been happening across the scientific community for the last few years.  (Scientists are baffled!)

Because everything is destabilizing, we have to find a new center.  We can’t rely solely on our intellect/brain for understanding reality, because that is breaking up.  However, if you solely rely on intuition, you are still blocking yourself from stability.  Imagine a cylinder (at least as wide as your head) that comes in from the top of your head and goes through the whole center of your body.  This is where the major chakras line up.  *That* cylinder . . . needs to be fully opened and unblocked during this time, in order to find your center and be balanced.  The calm within the storm.

If you are closed by being either TOO spiritual or TOO physical, a twist/knot/block happens in the center flow . . . and life.sucks.for.you.  You will be at the mercy of the iron that is collecting in our bodies (especially in the brain in the amygdala which is where the rage and violence comes in and starts erupting in the populace) and subject to rage, temper tantrums, fuzzy-headedness, escapism, victimhood, helplessness, hopelessness, anxiety, fear, memory loss, etc.  You’ll continue to get sicker and sicker, and think you’re getting the flu or some weird strain of illness that’s going around.  You should take that more as a sign that you’re still closed down in some way and blocking the flow (which is our new grounding point between “heaven and earth”).

This isn’t the time for pride, defensiveness, ignorance, or arrogance.  The things that open the blocks in that cylinder going vertically through the center of our body are things like forgiveness, humbleness, lightness, humor, letting go, surrender.  But those words have been used so often that we glaze over when we hear them now, especially as things continue to escalate and get harder.

So use whatever works for YOU to become lighter and more open through your whole core.  Let go of obligations, social protocols, and things that just piss you off.  It doesn’t matter if it’s how you were raised, if everyone else is still doing it, or if others get on to you about it.  We don’t have time to help everyone around us figure it out.  Just do it, and model it, it’s the fastest way to get others to catch on.

Quit trying to save others.  We’re all big girls and boys and can deal with what happens, if we’re given no other choice.  Focus on getting yourself open, and then you will be anchored and know exactly what to do, when, where, and how.  Don’t get lost in the semantics. “Oh, but what if it’s your sister, girlfriend, or mom . . . “

No.

Get yourself centered and balanced, and then you will understand why the semantics don’t matter.  It takes discipline.  It means you have to let go and stop focusing on distractions that aren’t going to matter when shit starts going down.  Who gives a flying fuck about whether it’s the democrats or the republicans who are to blame for messing up the country/world.  The world *itself* is destabilizing.  Trying to find a person or group to blame anything on at this point is a complete.waste. of your time and energy.  And it’s only serving to weigh you down with the burden of heavier energies and blocking your center.  You are the one that will suffer for your refusal to let it go.

Despite what’s going on around you, every moment *can* be filled with Life.  You do not have any control over what is coming, but you have complete control over how you choose to greet it.

sunset

Hey Baby, What’s Your Flicker Rate?

That I Am That I Am Not

That is what I had going through my head when I woke up two minutes ago.  I was also thinking of a propulsion system.  (As I wake up more, I’m going to wonder WTF that even means, but right now it still makes sense to me.)

I also was seeing:

binary code 0. . . 1. . . 0. . .1. . .0. . .1. . .

off. . . on. . . off. . . on. . . off. . . on

In. . . Out. . .In. . . Out. . . In. . .Out

Feminine (In breath) , Masculine (Out breath)

That I Am That I Am Not That I Am That I Am Not

This is not the first time this week that I’ve woken up with this concept trying to make  itself known to me.   It’s something to do with how things exist or how existence moves forward. . . how time happens?  (Trying to puzzle this out as I type.)

Back to the propulsion system.  I was seeing something that makes me think of a steam engine and a train.  I actually know nothing about either of these (except that I find trains to be fun to ride).  But that’s what I saw, and with the “I am not”, 0, Off, In, Feminine. . . I saw a piston (is that what it’s called?) go in or down.  With the “I am”, 1, On, Out, Masculine . . . I saw the piston go up or out.    It started off slow and repeated.  Each time, I could see it pick up steam and the train would start to move forward.

A feeling of this being the simplistic basis for . . . all that is.  Creation, evolution, the golden ratio.  It’s like we flicker. . . and that flickering is what allows us to exist.  What drives us on. . .forward?

Did you know that light is not constant?  I can’t speak to whether this is the case for Divine Light. . . I’m talking about light as we know it here.  It’s not constantly on.  It just flickers so fast, that we think it’s on all of the time.

Just like the old-fashioned movie reels and a projector.  It’s just a whole bunch of still pictures.  But run them through a projector with a light, and the still pictures become a moving scene.

My maternal grandfather, who was an engineer, was the one who told me about this.  It rocked my whole understanding of existence.  I immediately wanted to know what was going on with us when the lights were off (no matter how short amount of time that was).  Did we just blank out?  Does existence just cease when we’re in the off position?  And why didn’t they teach this shit in schools?!?!  I would’ve been more interested in paying attention.

Okay. . . propulsion system keeps coming back to mind.  I am seeing how this back and forth between the on and off is what makes things happen or exist. . . but there is still an abstract concept it’s trying to tell me that I’m just not quite grasping.

Oh, now I just saw the off or dark part of the cycle is the unconscious/subconscious.  It’s when we forget or are asleep.  While we are eternal Souls and cannot actually be harmed. . . we can go into forgetfulness, which is as close to death as we can experience.  When we’re in the light part of the cycle, we are in consciousness. . . we remember or are “awake”.

When the flicker between the two is really slow. . .we’re not very conscious or aware.  We’re “in the dark”.  We don’t or can’t remember much about the true existence of reality.  As the flicker begins to pick up pace. . . we start to become capable of remembering and retaining more of the light part. . . because the space between the two begins to lessen.

Until you reach a state of flicker that is so rapid, you no longer forget at all.  LOL – OMG. . . that is what is happening when a person is becoming en*light*ened!  (Lighten up already!)  They are able to remain conscious or awake because their flicker rate is going fast enough.  They no longer forget who they are. . . they remain in the “I Am” state.

Holy shitsnacks!

Everything is just vibration and frequency.  On and Off at various degrees of intervals.  If it’s flickering super ass slow. . . it seems more dark than light.  The light is there but it’s dim.  It’s unconsciousness/sub-consciousness, forgetfulness, etc.  It’s considered the “lower” (but really just slower) vibrations (what we refer to as evil).  The faster something flickers between those two states, it seems more light than dark.  It’s considered the higher (but really is just faster) vibrations (what we refer to as good).  It’s conscious awareness. . . remembering or retaining memory of who you really are!

O.O

Maybe I should rename this site “Show Me Your Insanely Fast 0 1 0 1 0 1”.

Wow.  All that and it’s only 7:30 am.

Flickering like a mother fucker.  = )