This Light Inside Of Me Is Mine. There Are Many Like It, But This One Is Mine.

Omg, where did I go?  It’s like I fell off the face of the Earth these last couple of months.  This was the first time since I started actively writing on this blog, that I skipped an entire month without posting.  Sorry, November 2014, you don’t get a place of your own in my archive list.  {A moment of silence 😦 }

Now, that’s not to say I didn’t think of you guys, I most certainly did.  This place has come to feel like a favorite hangout of mine, and my readers are like all of the cool random people that I run into while at my hangout.

But regardless of whether you’re an extrovert or introvert, highly sensitive or . . . I don’t know . . . what’s the opposite of that?  Insensitive?  {shoulder shrug},  we all have those times in our lives when things get so intense, we have to kind of withdraw from our usual activities in order to take care of business.  And so it was for me.

Are things now less intense for me?  Not even close.  But there’s no sign of it slowing down, and so I’ve shifted my focus from trying to ‘survive’ it, to pushing myself to the next level and owning it.  This isn’t about ‘why me, god?! why me!?’, it’s about, “Hey Jenn.  You have a ton of untapped potential.  But for some reason, you can’t seem to push yourself enough to be motivated to really get in there, so we’re going to do you a little favor and apply some much needed pressure and challenge so that you are forced to bring your A-Game to life.”

And bravo life, because it’s working.

This last Friday, however, I felt like the universe finally threw me a bone.  “Here’s a gold star for your insane efforts these last months, just so you don’t completely give up as we continue to dump truckloads of ‘WTF?’ on your head.”

Things have been so intense, that I had forgotten that Facebook even existed, but on Friday I suddenly felt the need to check it.  I saw that I had a new friend request from someone I knew years ago.  Plus, an added bonus, it was someone I liked.  So I accepted the request, and then suddenly she was messaging me.  She was so excited to have found me, which I have to say, there’s no feeling quite like someone being so gosh durn happy to have gotten in touch with you.

But it gets even better.

About 5 years ago, I had done an astrology reading for her.  Shortly after this, life called each of us away and we completely lost contact with each other.  Anyways, on Friday, she reminded me that I had said during the coming months of that time, she would meet the love of her life.  (I’m pretty sure I said she had the ‘potential’ of meeting the love of her life . . . I’m uber cautious like that).

The relationship she was just coming out of at the time had completely imploded in on itself, and oh so much ‘no no no no no’ was happening with it.  Now, I’m not the kind of person who will just tell people what I think they want to hear so that they don’t lose hope or give up.  In fact, I’d personally be thinking that a relationship was the last thing she needed, and if I remember correctly, she wasn’t interested herself.  But I do have a faint memory of seeing a coming transit in her chart that stood out so strong and bright, that despite the current situation feeling to the contrary. . . I shared with her what I saw.

Well . . . it turns out, that around the indicated time, she *did* meet someone.  4 1/2 years later, and they are still together and going strong.  She said she had been wanting to get ahold of me to tell me thank you for having opened her up to the possibility, that I had changed her life.

I sat in my seat stunned.  I remember my short stint of doing astrology readings for others.  I didn’t feel real confident in myself, and I didn’t feel like I was really helping anyone.  People would schedule a reading, I’d give it, and then that would be the end of it.  In fact, that basically describes my entire life.  I feel like I put so much into everything I do . . . then dead silence . . . and then that’s the end of that.

My natal Pluto on the Descendant is a real bastard, let me tell ya.  Just seeing the words I used above I can tell you that’s what is at play here.  “Dead Silence.”  No feedback.  No response.  I put myself out there over and over, and get no response or ping or reflection from others about myself.  It’s just me showing myself, and then that disappears into a black hole known as “Other”.

The Descendant is the Other in our lives.  Relationships.  It’s naturally ruled by Libra (and Venus).  Mine happens to also be ruled by Libra.  Relationships in our life are incredibly important because it’s the only way we really get to know ourselves separate from other people.  Aries, the Individual Self, is in natural opposition to Libra, the Other.  It’s the push and pull between these two, that helps us understand ourselves in relation to others and helps us further refine what we know about ourselves.

If a person were to go their whole life with no human interaction, they would be hard pressed to be able to understand who they were as an individual because there is no compare and contrast.  There is nothing to initiate the inner ‘I am this, I am not this’ dialogue.

I know that some of the point of how my natal chart is set up, is to learn to do things for me and because I want to, and not based on other’s response or lack of.  But that’s easier said than done.

Because there is nothing like putting your whole heart and soul into a project, and then when finished, all you hear is absolute silence coming from the audience, followed by the quiet shuffle as everyone gets up to leave the theater in an unenthused, quiet, and orderly fashion as if they had just been to a lecture on the benefits of using certain types of soil for the best lawn results.  It is so demoralizing.  It is incredibly hard to keep up self confidence and inspiration when you’re met with that time and time again.

Btw, that is also my Saturn in Leo in 5th, if you notice the theater verbiage and being ‘orderly’.  The words we use to describe things tell us so much more about the situation then we commonly realize.

Pluto is the Lord of the Underworld.  Death and Transformation.  It is the state a human can become even while alive.  They become zombie-like.  They lack life.  They are essentially dead.  They cannot be roused up out of their rut.  They are incapable of seeing or entertaining the idea of a world or existence outside of what they view as a cold and cruel world.  They’ve given up.  They are perpetual victims, never seeing their role in why situations in their life plays out like it does.  It’s always other people’s fault.  They become like broken records, repeating the same upset and depressing things over and over, year after year.  They will gladly take any life you have to give, but will have nothing to give in return because they don’t use what they are given to truly change their lives, only to sustain their current way of life.

That is what I face every day of my life with Pluto on the Descendant.  People who have lost their spirit, their will to live, and have let their light go out inside.  They have nothing in them to give back, and anything they try to do in order to give the appearance that they are giving back, is just dead and hollow.  Compliments don’t mean anything because they are not real or true, they are just what is done because they either want to appear as a good person or appear to have something to give so that people that are carrying light, don’t leave them.  They don’t want to be alone in the dark with no light, but they haven’t quite figured out that they need to do something to re-ignite their own light instead of trying to steal, capture, hold, possess, etc. someone else’s light as their own.

In order to re-ignite your light after you have let it go out, you have to go through an intense process of death and rebirth while alive (born again anyone?).  And if you can’t dig deep and find the strength in you to overcome that test, then you could die for real.  Or, you could live out the rest of your life as one of the walking dead who are never happy, but it’s not your fault because life is unfair, and focus all of your time promoting how hard you have it and how it never gets better, instead of putting that energy into making some real changes in your life.

So my light goes into these deep black holes, never to be seen again and never reflecting back to me the light I shine for them.  For the longest time, I have also seen myself as a black hole . . . the same as is reflected back to me by these walking dead others.  Because they have nothing to give back, and what they do is usually false or fake, I have a hard time trying to convince myself that I’m not that, without feeling deluded.

I do recognize how I can be capable of those same behaviors, especially when I get worn down enough and haven’t been taking good care of myself or enforcing boundaries between me and others like I should.  I know what it feels like to be the walking dead, because I have taken many unwilling journeys into the Underworld.

But the big difference between me and those others in my life so far, is that at some point, The Fighter . . . The Warrior in me, all of my Aries Rising, Venus, Mars, South Node . . . surfaces and I fight my way back into the light screaming like an Amazonian Banshee on Fire the entire way. (RAAAWWWWWR!)  I gain clarity.  I know who I am and who I am not.  I rise to the challenge, my swords blazing and cutting through the darkness and shadows.  I will not let the darkness put out my precious light for any reason or for any person.  I fight for my light, so that I do not become lost and self-absorbed.

There is a distinct difference between taking good care of yourself, protecting yourself, standing up for yourself . . . and only thinking about yourself and acting like you’re the only person on the planet with any problems.  One is to protect your own light from being stolen or letting it go out and becoming one of the dead . . . and the other is being one of the dead and taking light from others.

When I do get fired up and my Inner Warrior comes out, I have immense confidence and I definitely do not need anyone’s approval or feedback.  But it’s no longer enough for me to just come out guns-a-blazing and mowing down everyone in my path, I must learn how to consistently hold this clarity of my individual self, even while interacting and being completely surrounded by these walking dead.  I think ideally, without so much bloodshed.

I’m not entirely sure that I knew what I was signing up for when I came down here.  There’s a good reason we are made to forget, until we are strong enough to remember.  It’s best that I didn’t know how hard it would be.

How hard it is to climb the stairs to a center stage, knowing that you must perform with your entire heart and soul for there to be any chance of impact at all, but also knowing that you will not be given a sign or any kind of indication of how your performance was viewed or received.  Just straight up faith and belief in yourself.  Even if you’re the only one in the whole wide world who believes in you, but . . . without getting defensive or closing your heart to that whole wide world.

Although . .  as I start to let that part of me show, my heart and soul (and in new experiences of what that even means), the universe rewards me with that rare treat of hearing that I had a real impact on a person’s life.  Friday was one of those rare moments, that followed quickly on the heals of me changing how I was interacting with others in my life.  Makes me feel like Pavlov’s dog.  “You rang the bell, you get a treat.”  It freaking works, I’ll tell you what.  Never do I feel so motivated to keep pushing through the dark, than when I start hitting definite markers that point to the most direct route out of the Underworld.

So if you happen to see a great big ball of flame whizzing by, screaming like the Furies, swords-a-flying, slicing a pathway through the dark, don’t be alarmed.  It’s just Jenn on her daily commute.

 sour fruit thieves

No Matter How Many Times I Fall, I Will Always Get Back Up

I had a thought provoking question asked of me that dovetailed nicely with a question I had asked myself last night as I fell asleep.  They were questions regarding my last relationship.

Driving into work (one of my ‘most likely to have an aha’ moment, 2nd only to the shower), the swirl of mess that I was trying to sort out suddenly cleared, and I was left with a single knowing or understanding within myself that hummed harmoniously . . . letting me know that I had found a Self Truth.

What attracts me to others?  I know there is a tendency to attract the part of ourselves that we don’t accept or reject.  (7th house)  But because my 7th house has been projectile puking projections on me since I was really young . . . those things people normally don’t accept about themselves and seek in others . . . I do see in myself and accept.  I have Uranus/Pluto there . . . I can be, and definitely am those things.  I am very clear about those being within me.  They scare me within me sometimes . . . but I see them.  I give them extra hugs.

My Venus and Mars in Aries are conjunct at 26 degrees.  I think this has more significance than I’ve realized.  My South Node is at 23 degrees Aries.  My feminine/masculine . . . they are together.  I know how to be whole.  I’m not bragging.  It’s not something I generally want people to know.  I tend to hide this, to protect it.  When I’m by myself and not in a committed relationship, I become peaceful and balanced inside.

I see Gemini as the one who reconciles duality.  Gemini is the sign of duality.  Gemini can be scattered and all over the place . . . and even moody . . . are you going to get the nice twin today, or the evil twin?  I have that Sun/Jupiter conjunction in Gemini.  (<– that’s like 20 people minimum) I then have those two in opposition to my Moon/Neptune in Sag.  An opposition is along the same lines as duality.  I have duality within duality within duality in my chart.  It is a chart of paradoxes.  For my sanity’s sake I have *had* to reconcile duality inside of myself.

I can see and hold so many angles and perceptions without conflict at one time, it should come with a circus soundtrack and confetti.

I am able to find peace . . . find happiness . . . find balance . . . all on my own.  I am able to self-nurture . . . I am able to defend myself.  Feminine/Masculine.  When you reach the kind of balance I have experienced, all of your needs are met within yourself.  I was genuinely joyful, happy, and full of life.  And it never ran out . . . it just kept welling up and through me.  So then my question to myself last night, was why did I bother getting involved in a relationship?  What was the point of that whole thing?  Why?

Which brings me back to my moment in the car.  The moment of clarity went a little something like this:

I felt so happy and whole before my last relationship . . . why would I leave that?  Now I’m having to limp myself back to that wholeness state . . . where I could’ve been anyways had I not got in the relationship.  That was stupid Jenn.  Why did you do that? {Puts one leg into her Wonder Woman underoos pants, careful to keep the other foot on the gas pedal of the car.}

Because I want a partner in life.  Not to help me become whole . . . but to be whole with me in life.  So why did you choose the person you did?  What was it about him that you saw?  {Carefully switching feet on the foot pedals of the car . . . starts to put other leg into her Wonder Woman underoos pants.}

: (  this is my owie getting ready to poke it’s head out.

While I love all of me . . . it’s been difficult finding someone who loves all of themselves.  And when someone doesn’t love and embrace all of who they are inside (and for real, not just to look good or to feel superior) . . . they aren’t okay with embracing and loving all of who I am.  And while I’m all for cooperating and finding a way that works for both (I actually tend to go a little too far in compromise much to my detriment) . . . what I’m not willing to do, is sacrifice who I am for another person.  {Scooches her underoos pants up over her jeans.}

So I get in a relationship . . . before long, I stop accepting who I am.  Yeah, the other person may blah blah blah and that has an influence on me having a harder time accepting myself.  But I don’t have control over them.  It’s my responsibility to keep accepting myself, even if it means the end of the relationship.  That’s not something someone else does to me. {Starts the task of getting her Wonder Woman underoos top on.  Over her sweater, need to look extra ridiculous.}

I live my life with my heart out on my sleeve.  That’s how I need to be.  I am strong . . . I am intense . . . I’m ridiculous . . . I’m silly . . . I can shift through 5 moods in one sentence.  For every single thing that I am naturally and at my core, I can find the negative side to them and the positive side to them.  The gifts and the curse.  I can see those in others too.  But I’m not seen back.  If the person isn’t aware enough . . . if the person doesn’t love themselves enough . . . if the person lives too much in fear . . . if the person identifies with their wound too much . . . if the person can’t see who they are under their own fear and worry . . . then they can’t see me.  {Underoos now on . . . straightening them out while keeping eyes focused on the road.}

And that makes me feel so alone in the world.

I self validate.  If they can’t self validate . . . then I become their crutch.

I self nurture.  If they can’t self nurture during times that I’m unable to be there for them . . . I become their drug.

I am guided by inner authority.  If they listen solely to authority outside of themselves . . . I don’t have their support in being and doing what it is I know I have to do.

I don’t want . . . no, I can’t become less than who I am in order to have a partner.  It’s not in me.  That’s not who I am.  My will to survive as ME will always win out in the end.  {Busts out the golden paper burger king crown she keeps stealthily hidden under the driver’s seat.}

I need someone as authentic, open, intense, and as powerful as me.  I need that so that I am allowed to be all of myself when I’m around them.  If they aren’t . . . I will inevitably have to sacrifice myself in order to have a partner.  That’s not the other person’s fault . . . that’s just the fact of the matter.

I can only find that by being unapologetically me when I’m with someone, and letting them be responsible for their responses to me and both working through the things that come up.  {Waits for a stoplight to assemble the gold crown.}

But that’s where my fear resides.

How many times can a person, being who they are, be rejected . . . and continue to love themselves?  Especially when they’re the only one believing in themselves.  I don’t want to be self-delusional, so every time that happens I tear myself apart to find my part and my responsibility in the situation, and I work hard to heal that part of me.

I get back to a place of balance and love for myself . . . I try again . . . I fall again.

I cycle through again . . . am I being delusional . . . am I being fair . . . is there something in me I’m doing that I’m blind to?  Rip . . . shred . . . no mercy.  Get back to a place of balance and love for myself.  Get back out there, and try again.  {Gets crown on.  Checks in mirror.  Hair sticking out everywhere?  Check.  Ears sticking out like a dork? Check.  Nods and smiles confidently.}

I have been doing this for as long as I can remember.

I fall, I pick myself back up, and I try again.  I fall, I pick myself back up, and I try again.  Always changing.  Always improving.  Always taking responsilibty for my part.  Always looking at the situation from the other person’s point of view.  Refining my rough edges.  I fall, pick myself back up, and I try again.

I have been absolutely ruthless with myself.

I have learned a lot.  I didn’t actually get to the full wholeness within myself until the Summer of 2012.  I found my personal magical combination that unlocked the real me inside.  And from there I could see I wished to have a partner to share life with, while in this awesome place of wholeness.  When I met the man from my last relationship, I saw that possibility.  The stars were aligned . . . everything magical came perfectly into place.

And then I fell.  Again.

But this time . . . something different did happen.  I did learn how to open my heart while in a relationship.  I learned how to overcome that fear of being who I am while I’m with someone.  That was a goddamn miracle all by itself.  But as with all Pluto lessons . . . I *still* have no control over other people.  Just because I got to that space myself . . . does not mean my partner automatically would. {At next stoplight, opens the glove box to pull out her long yellow yarn hair ribbon.  Nay . . . not hair ribbon . . . her lasso of Truth.}

And same lesson with my son . . . there’s nothing I can do about the other person.  I can love me with all my heart . . . I can love them with all my heart . . . but that does NOT mean, it will work out.  It doesn’t mean I will get my wish.

So this last smackdown still smarts.  The higher you go, the harder you fall.  But I had to take that risk.  I had to take that chance.  I didn’t want to live my life having to close my heart every time I got close to someone just because I’m terrified.  So I took the chance.  I still got rejected.  It’s not personal.  It hurts like hell, and I’m having to self nurture like I’ve never had to do before . . . but it wasn’t personal . . . he just wasn’t in that place . . . that’s nothing to do with me. {Parks car.}

So I am now picking myself back up.  I’m taking in the lessons learned.  I’m pulling myself back together . . . gaining back my strength . . . getting my feminine and masculine back in balance and talking nicely with each other.

This one smarted enough, that I have WAY less trouble speaking up for myself.  Which . . . is one of my “things” for this life.  The sabian symbol for my Sun sign at 12 degrees Gemini is:  “A Slave-Girl Demands Her Rights From Her Mistress“.  Where I stray . . . is when something happens that results in me having to be smaller and less than I am . . . I fold.  My brain tells me that it’s me “being fair” . . . after all this is a relationship and you can’t be so stubborn.

Well, fucking duh, Jenn.  You are stubborn.  Why is that so bad?  Why do you love your stubbornness alone . . . but suddenly it’s a problem around other people?  Why do you do that to yourself?  I misunderstood compromise and fairness.  It doesn’t mean you stop being that part of you . . . it doesn’t mean you hide that part of you around that person . . . it means you discuss it openly.  {Looking into the vanity mirror, starts putting on her Strawberry Shortcake lipgloss.  Now she’s ready.}

Anytime I’ve discussed a misunderstanding with another person, and we were BOTH open and receptive (vs defensive and arrogant) . . . a solution that was a great big win for both people was able to be found.  And in the process, each got an opportunity to step up their game and GROW as individuals.  But it only works when both are being open, honest, and willing to grow.

I’m not requesting that someone change for me.  I’m requesting that they grow with me.  You have to have a certain amount of humbleness and flexibility.  If you always have to be right . . . it won’t work.  If you think you’re perfect and I’m a spaz for constantly seeking to grow and improve myself . . . it’s not going to work.  If you don’t trust my motives or are suspicious of me . . . it’s not going to work.  If you’re not willing to take a chance and look like a TOTAL FOOL . . . then it’s not going to work.  {Gets out of her car . . . stands there for a moment with the car door still open, staring into the distance . . . contemplative.}

I’m not static.  I’m not a ONE, SINGLE, THING that you can tie me down with.  I will always . . . always continue to strive to grow and improve and change.  I don’t plan on one day saying, oh . . . I’m good . . . I’m going to just stop doing things now.  No.  That will never be me.  If you want someone who will always be one way, that’s not me.  If you want someone who will always be contained . . . that for fucking sure will never be me.  If you want someone who isn’t going to do embarrassing things . . . that will never be me.  {Puts a foot up on the door jam, looking like Captain Morgan on the Spiced Rum bottle.}

Ok . . . so I fell down again . . . and yeah I sometimes feel like a total ass for opening up like that and falling on my face.  But only for a few seconds.  I let myself feel embarrassed and humiliated . . . and then it passes . . . and then I see all the great awesome that I gained from it.  I see the places I could improve.  {Lifts chin up in strength, defiance, and resolve.}

And then I start getting my ass . . . back . . . up.  And I will try again.  The odds are totally in my favor.  One of these days . . . it will happen.  One day, I will find that someone who sees all of my insanity, my weird quirks, my intensity, my ugly face cry complete with slobber, my 5am get the fuck out of my face, my love and passion for life, my waaaay too fucking loud laughing, my big kid ridiculousness . . . and they will love me BECAUSE of all of those things.  {Wind starts blowing through hair.  Looking majestic as fluff.}

I just know it.  I just know one day I will find that person.  And until then . . . I’m not fucking giving up.

Some Scorpion Love.

Some Scorpion Love.