And Here We Are

It’s not that I don’t *get* social cues.  I am aware of them, but that doesn’t help me understand what is going on.  It’s like living in a world of “The Emperor’s New Clothes”, where everyone is simultaneously The Emperor and the crowd.  Pretending things to be other than they are.

I am not seeing the pretend.  I’m seeing everyone naked (just in case people weren’t already feeling awkward around me).  When I was younger, I responded to what people were really feeling/thinking (or my interpretation of the things I felt coming from them). . . and not what they said or did to try and hide that part of themselves.  I was constantly told that I was wrong or being inappropriate.  I had a knack for seriously pissing people off with what seemed to me to be a completely innocent statement.

People and their reactions to the things I said made no sense to me.  It would be the equivalent of saying, “The sky is a pretty blue.” and the response being someone frothing at the mouth and raging and saying, “How DARE YOU!?”  It seemed random and inappropriate to what I was actually feeling or thinking.  I reached a point where I didn’t know what was or was not okay to say. . . and I cringed every time I did say something because I had zero idea what the response was going to be.

I genuinely did not understand.  I still don’t.  Not really.  There were many times when I was younger that I didn’t know why I was in trouble.

“What did I do?!?”

“You know what you did.”

“No, I really don’t!”

“Quit being a smartass.”

“HOW AM I BEING A SMARTASS?!?!?!”

So growing up, I was often in a sea of confusion.  Even when I was telling the absolute truth, I was accused and punished for lying.  When I called out people who were obviously lying, I got into some serious shit trouble.  So how come when I say something true… I’m lying, but when someone else is lying and I say they are lying. . . I’m told I’m being wrong or inappropriate?

That sends a kid mixed messages.

{Rant Alert: Brought on by sheer frustration at having spent a life feeling like I was worthless and like I had something to be ashamed about.  And I’m not, and I don’t.}

When is a person supposed to lie and deny it and when is a person supposed to accuse a person who is telling the truth that they are lying?  Why would you do it in the first place?  All it does is cause so much unnecessary pain and trauma.  And it’s fucking exhausting.  Who can keep up with that shit?  My social awkwardness (and exhaustion) comes more from a “I’m sick of this guessing game of what I’m supposed to say or do when it’s not what I’m really wanting to say or do.”

When I read that people with Asperger’s or Autism don’t understand social cues. . . I’m like. . . huh?  Oh, do you mean, that I don’t understand these made up, arbitrary rules that everyone lives by?  Because yeah… that’s more of what we’re really dealing with here.

But, I have made every attempt at trying to figure it out, because my world is lonely.  I try to mimic how others respond to similar situations.  But because it seems like people make up the rules as they go, I don’t always have a previous example for how I’m supposed to respond to something (or the energy to give a hoot).  I learned (more or less) how to play pretend in my social interactions because that’s what I see the rest of the world doing.  But it’s not natural to me… so yeah, I’m fucking awkward in social situations.

Do you know when I’m NOT awkward in social situations?  When I get to be truly, unapologetically me.  When I can be exactly who I am, and how I’m feeling at that moment, and nobody is taking personal fucking offense or misunderstanding my intentions (aka projection), or telling me I’m wrong, or throwing guilt trip sandwiches, or trying to make me feel like I’m two inches tall . . . and when I can feel energetically that everyone is open and accepting of whatever is happening in the moment.  When everyone is accepting of each other (faults and all).  I think that’s what is referred to as being supportive and part of a team.  Not PRETENDING to be supportive or a part of the team. . . but when it’s genuinely unfolding like that.

But I haven’t had very many opportunities to get to experience that.

I recently read a study that was done with kids with autism, that pissed me off so much that my head nearly exploded.

In Children With Autism, Voices May Not Trigger Brain’s Reward Centers

“The human voice is a very important sound; it not only conveys meaning but also provides critical emotional information to a child,” said Daniel Abrams, PhD, a postdoctoral scholar in psychiatry and behavioral sciences who was the study’s lead author. Insensitivity to the human voice is a hallmark of autism, Abrams said, adding, “We are the first to show that this insensitivity may originate from impaired reward circuitry in the brain.”

Before I even had a chance to digest what it was I was reading, I was feeling rage.  There was a lot of bleepity bleeps going off in me.  #&!@#&%$!

What went roaring through my mind was, “Goddamnit!  It’s not that they don’t experience speech as pleasurable, it’s that they have extra-sensory capacity AND because they only respond to truth.  They aren’t responding how YOU think they should… but they are not experiencing the world like YOU do.  Get out of your goddamn materialistic-focused science box!”

If I had been told when I was a little girl that I simply, “Didn’t understand social cues.”  There is a good chance I would go my whole life thinking something was wrong with me.  I would probably never live up to my full potential, because I would have been mentally confined into a restricted space of “there’s only *this* way to be that is socially acceptable”.

The overall mentality about Autism is that they are . . . well, I’m just going to say it. . . retarded.  And guess what?  We can sense that and pick it up in every little movement and interaction you have with us.  And when we don’t ever have anyone counteracting that in our environment, or modeling a different way that we understand… that’s exactly the zone we stay in. . . retardedville.

You may be saying to yourself. . . “Oh no. . . that’s not how I think of it.  They’re just different, that’s all.”  Well.  Remember the part about “The Emperor’s New Clothes”?  Here’s an example.  It’s not socially acceptable to say it or even admit feeling it.  So, everyone puts on this facade of “that’s not how I think or feel at all, I’m civilized” or AKA being politically correct.  But, it’s still in your energy field.  And we read/sense/communicate via energy fields.  So, you can be all “that’s not what I think at all” . . . but we don’t even hear that.  (<—not responding to voice or words)  We’re responding to what you’re really feeling, and we’re able to experience and process it and know all kinds of things between ourselves and you without moving a facial muscle.  What took me FOREVER to realize and understand, is that not everyone operates like that.

In our attempt to explain our world and what we experience, using a spoken language that is greatly lacking in terms and descriptions to fit what we experience, people misunderstand or don’t know what to do with us.  They will tell us flat out that it’s not true (oh good… because I already had self esteem issues… now I’m going to battle self confidence issues my whole life because I’m constantly being explained away or told that how what I think, feel, etc. is wrong or something that I should be ashamed of or feel guilty about.)

Why is it difficult for us to ask for help, or set boundaries, or speak up for ourselves?  Because we know. . . that you aren’t going to understand. . . you aren’t going to get what we’re saying, because your ears are closed and your eyes are blind.  And because if we don’t understand ourselves yet (because we’re constantly being bombarded by others telling us who and what we are, that we’re unable to get out from under it long enough to hear our own internal voices) then we aren’t going to be able to form appropriate words (that aren’t going to offend or throw you all over the place emotionally) to appropriately communicate or push OUR truth out into a world that is screaming the opposite back at us.

For the LOVE OF GOD, if you understand nothing else in my rant, understand this: The One Affects the All and the All Affects the One.

How the general population views a group of people AFFECTS THOSE PEOPLE.  It energetically affects them.  Imagine wisps of energetic strings that look very much like fine spider webs.  And imagine those are connected between all of us and our environment.  And when you have a large group of people with a certain perception of a group of people. . . that it relays it down those fine wires to those group of people and they feel it and experience it and are subconsciously affected by it.  Your misunderstanding and misperception of those people HURTS THOSE PEOPLE.

We communicate and interact in ways that are constantly dismissed by the general population.  Bringing up things like sixth sense, ESP, being psychic, telepathy. . . is met with so much controversy.  It’s bullshit, nonsense, for ignorant superstitious people, for idiots who don’t use their brain, or my favorite. . . it’s Evil.  The devil’s work.  Awesome.  A great deal of how I am and how I operate is bullshit or make believe or evil. . . that does not make me feel safe, accepted, okay, secure, validated, or even like I have the right to breath or exist.  You want the kids coming in who are autistic to not shutdown or retreat into themselves or freakout emotionally. . . then the world needs to quit telling them in its actions and feelings that who they are is wrong or bad or something they should feel ashamed of or guilty about.

They shut down because they are sensitive.  They are connected to everything.  In their quiet, they can experience far off worlds and sensations that you could only dream about.  People in general are like bulls in a china shop to their senses.  People are so unaware of themselves and their energy, that they come barreling into the autistic kid’s space and wreak havoc!! and then are frustrated when the child doesn’t respond in the manner expected of them by other’s standards.

And then to add salt to energy, the world is trying to understand what’s “wrong” with them with strictly science measures, thinking we’ll find the answer or the “cure”.  You will find the actual physical differences between them and other people. . . but it isn’t telling you why they are like they are.  If you do not take into account the unseen and unknown and the spiritual… you will not ever, EVER understand what is going on with Autism.

It’s not the kids!  It’s not the kids with the goddamn problems.  It is our current world and how it is.  They show us where we are off and out of balance in what we do and how we live.  They have to have a safe, open, honest, real place to just be who they are.  And they NEED others to be the same.  And quit fucking subconsciously bombarding them with messages that there is something wrong with them or that they need to be tested or treated like lab rats or “cured”.

Case in point:

Autistic Teen Working on Astrophysicists PhD

Kristine Barnett’s son, Jacob, 15, was diagnosed with moderate to severe autism  when he was 2.  Because he had lost language, he was on the more severe end  of the spectrum.  Psychologists and teachers believed that the young boy  may not ever speak again.  As Barnett put it, they thought that he was  lost.
. . .

As Barnett would run a daycare out of her home, she would play with other  people’s kids outside while Jacob was slumped over the table inside, where he  would work with therapists.  He was spending hours trying to put a ball in  a cup.

One spring day, as the kids ran through a sprinkler, she decided  to make a change.

“We were forgetting his childhood.  His spirit was  being crushed by the opinion that everything was wrong,” she said.  “I  resolved to give it back to him.”

. . .

She decided then to take a second trip to a planetarium.  When they  arrived, a college-level lecture was taking place.  Hesitant, she took her  boy in.  Jacob immediately began reading the slides, and when the professor  asked a question about the density of Mars’ moons, Jacob answered the question  — correctly.

“At that point, my view changed, and I realized that his  mind is remarkable,” Barnett said.  “He understood complex concepts.   My outlook for his future was completely changed.”

Today, Jacob is now  working towards a Ph.D. at Indiana University-Purdue University Indianapolis  (IUPUI).  Several IQ tests have been administered on him, and Barnett said  that it’s been concluded that he can’t be measured, so he is always given the  top number.

Just be fucking real.  Learn how to do that.  Learn to be truthful and open.  Mimic them.  Try to understand how they ACTUALLY experience the world instead of projecting onto them.  They are the world’s teachers and leaders for the future.  They are our hope.

They are the answers to the many prayers that you have been pleading to God and the Universe for.

You have been asking for help here on Earth.  And you were heard.

And here we are.