This Life I Get To Fight For My Own Happiness

I’ve had many personal readings from many astrologers.  Each reading unique and wonderful in their own way.  Each one giving me a different perspective of how I was seen.  Each one giving light to the many different parts of me that normally go unseen by others.  It felt good.

Some of the astrologers who I’ve had personal readings with are very well known in the astrology community, such as Alan Oken, Philip Sedgwick, and Laura Nalbandian.  I had my chart used as an example during Astrology Night at Soul Foods Café in Redmond by Jeff Jawer & Rick Levine.  Meeting and getting to talk with each of these people in person, were all phenomenal experiences in my life.  So many years of gathered personal experience and understanding of the world from their viewpoint, all getting put to use in order to help me find my place in space and time.

I’ve also had astrologers who were just starting out and learning to see with this new perspective that the world of astrology opens you up to.  The readings were definitely a little more *rough*, but they were not any less valuable to me.  I still felt amazement in hearing each person’s own spin or perspective on life.

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I originally got into astrology because besides being curious by nature, I deeply needed to understand how other people saw the world unique and different from me.  It was ultimately to help me understand myself and my place in the world, but I had no comparison to go off of.  If I only ever view the world from my own perspective, how can I understand how my perspective is different or unique.  How can I understand what it is I have that is of value to offer others?

Funny enough, because I was being a total dork, when first studying astrology, I misread my birth certificate time.  They are military documents, and back when they were still using good ole’ typewriters.  After the time, the form options had both AM and PM.  There were two XXs over PM.  Now even though my mom has told me forever that I was born in the early hours, my brain looked at that and thought FOR SURE it meant that it was selecting PM . . . versus crossing it off as the option.

So for the first year of studying astrology, I studied my chart in complete reverse.  A mirror image.  A Libra rising, with Pluto and Uranus in my 1st house instead of my 7th.  So why did it still make total sense to me?  More sense than my real chart of Aries rising?  Because the way my chart is setup, others frequently project the shadows they don’t want to own onto me.  I identified more with how other’s responded to me, more than I identified with my own self . . . so having my 7th house acting as my 1st house made much more sense to me than the other way around.

I am completely convinced that this was done on purpose, whether by some unseen force or my own subconscious because anyone who works with me knows that I don’t make these kind of mistakes with details.  Not just that, I was unable to *un-think* it for an ENTIRE year.  I kept looking back at my birth certificate and I was unable to see it any other way than the two XXs on the PM mean 2:02 PM.  I even had my own mother start to doubt her own memory of when she had had me, it was that strong.

But then one day, I pulled the birth certificate out to look at it again . . . and saw it as I had seen it before . . . when all at once, I felt something unravel, untwist, un-fog inside of me . . . and I saw clearly for the first time that OMG, I’m such an idiot!  The two XXs were blocking out the PM, because my birth was 2:02 AM . . . so those letters were left uncovered.  My whole world flipped upside down.  My head got woozy and disoriented.

So then I rushed to rerun all of my reports and start all over AGAIN learning about my chart, but now with the correct time.  And *that* is when I started to see myself clearly for the first time in my life.  That’s when I first started to learn that there was a possibility that I wasn’t evil incarnate.  That I didn’t in fact understand myself at all, and neither did anyone else.  That all of the things other people had me believing about myself, actually had nothing to do with me at all.

Astrology profoundly changed my life because it was something that I could look at for myself that was outside of any person’s opinion.  It’s a signature energy imprint for the time and location of when I was born that won’t be repeated for nearly 26,000 years.  This is the window to the workings of something that is bigger than any of us alone.  For the first time I was able to get information about me that wasn’t so tainted by other people’s wounds and selfishness.  I was able to start seeing the me that I remembered from when I was a little girl before the darkness of the world closed in on me.

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I saw why I was so scared to be myself.  With Pluto conjunct my descendant, and Uranus in Scorpio in the 7th house . . . being myself could mean my life.  Others in my life tended to be very powerful and a bit erratic.  In the past if, I didn’t toe the line, they had no problems ripping the rug from under my feet.  It left me feeling powerless.  It left me feeling like I was forced to make myself small and invisible in order to not offend in any way possible.  But with Pluto and Uranus in Scorpio . . . you NEVER know what it is that you’re doing that is being offensive.  It’s some sort of secret code of conduct that only they know the rules to, and they refuse to share what those rules are outside of themselves.  They only let you know that one was violated by a violent outburst that comes out of nowhere and disappears just as quickly and everyone pretends like nothing happened.

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I grew up living literally scared to death.

But all I was really trying to say about all of this, is that I’ve spent a good portion of my life outside of my Self, trying to understand and explain life from everyone else’s viewpoint in order to not unwittingly trigger an outburst.  Scorpio/Pluto doesn’t talk about what’s really going on underneath the surface.  It’s the stuff in us that we never say out loud in the company of others.  It’s stuff that we only share with intimate and close people if anyone at all.  Most often it is stuff we won’t even admit to ourselves.

So I was always trying to understand what it is I wasn’t getting about other people because of their strange responses to me, but they’re all locked up tight like Fort Knox.  In order to understand what is going on with them, I was forced to pull out of myself and immerse myself in their world view.  Trying to be understanding of them and their life and their struggles and how it’s not their fault they’re like that.  And that is how I lose my own personal power, how I lose my Self, how I lose my self confidence, and how I become insecure.

Because anyone who knows the Plutonian world, knows that once Pluto has it’s grubby hands on you . . . he’s not going to let you go.  Ever.  Pluto/Scorpio is already dark to begin with, but going into the shadows of that energy?  Omg, you guys, it’s ink black liquid darkness.  That’s where obsession, possession, and murder come out to play.  It.is.scary.

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That’s at it’s worse, but there’s a whole spectrum to Pluto/Scorpio and it’s not all as intense as death and lust.  One of the just starting out astrologers who had given me a reading, saw my north node in Libra in the 7th house.  She started banging on this drum about how I needed to be more aware of other people outside of myself.  Having *just* shared with you how my life really went down . . . I’m hoping maybe you get something of an understanding of how that struck me.  It seriously hurt my feelings over and over.  She’d even call me out on it in the middle of an astrology class she was giving and indirectly shame me in front of everyone.  And I had trusted her and viewed her as a good friend.  I took it as her being real/truthful with me.

But now, after seeing how that relationship went down in flames when she started showing her true colors, I can totally see how she was projecting her own selfishness onto me.  On the outside she seemed to be the one who cared about all of the people around her . . . but she was only ever thinking of herself.  On the outside I only ever seemed to be thinking about me, but really I was only ever thinking about everyone else.

Which brings me to why I was even writing this blog post.  As I said, I love hearing everyone else’s viewpoint about things.  I loved getting readings with people because I’m fascinated with how they view life differently from everyone else.  Astrology is a great structure or topic in which to talk and discuss the world in an alternative way and has a large community.  And having another astrologer do a reading for me, gives me a single focus point in which to compare how everyone’s view differs.  I am the one constant in all of the readings.  Astrology is such that you can tailor the interpretations to your own unique perspective of life.  So seeing how each person interprets my chart, gives me such a rich flavor and experience of the uniqueness in each individual.  They’re all talking about me . . . but really they are all showing me themselves.

And the readings that I value the most, have nothing to do with how famous the person is or how positive of a light they tried to paint me.  The ones that made me cry and touched my heart the deepest, were the ones who spoke from their own power and in their own voice.  I don’t want to be told what you think I want to hear.  You cannot know what I want to hear.  That only ever leads to manipulation, projection, assumptions, misunderstandings, and incorrect expectations.  It’s useless and pointless, and I lose respect for the person and even myself whenever I do it.  It never feels good in either position and it is ultimately giving yourself and your power away.

But the people who told me from their own personal self how they saw my chart?  Those readings had a huge impact on me.  They moved me.  They meant so much to me.  They were the most valuable and priceless gifts ever given to me.

And one in particular has been coming up over and over today and is really what resulted in this whole post, is one where after taking a few moments to study my chart, the woman looked at me and said something to the affect of, “You are here for yourself.  You are here to understand that you matter, that you count.  That others are not more important than you.  You always stand up for others, always willing to fight for the underdog, always willing to sacrifice yourself . . . but you have trouble understanding that you matter too.  And so you are here to learn to fight for yourself and not let yourself get bullied and forced against your will.”

And somehow . . . I’ve already forgotten that.  I forget it over and over.  I’m not here to see the world from everyone else’s viewpoint.  I’m not here to be understanding of another’s situation.  That’s all I’ve ever done in my life.  I’m here to learn how to speak for myself and in my own voice.  I have a unique and individual perspective to share the same as everyone else, and I’m here to learn how to be solidly in mySelf and share only from that space in me.

I’m tired of my own personal perspective and opinion being “wrong” because it’s misunderstood by someone else who is in a darker place than me.  I’m tired of being the one that puts myself out there over and over trying to understand where the offense and misunderstanding is coming from between me and another person.  Every time, after months and sometimes years of digging and trying to understand where the hurt or misunderstanding came from . . . it’s 100% a misunderstanding of what I was actually doing and saying and how the other person CHOSE to see my actions.  Always!  Always, always!

When I’m centered fully in mySelf, I don’t have a mean bone in my body.  The things I do and say are from a pure expression (Aries).  It is me being ME.  I am tired of being guilty until proven innocent and it being me having to put in all of the work in order to ultimately show that I was innocent.  If someone is offended by something I’ve done or said, then I need to start leaving it to them to make the choice to discuss it and better understand who I am.  If they just want to continue to be upset or offended by it, then they can do it outside of my life.

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Who I am, is not something for me to be ashamed or feel bad or guilty about.  It may go against current accepted social protocol, but sometimes social protocol needs to be brought into question because it’s become corrupt and dark.  It doesn’t automatically mean that I’m the one that is wrong or bad.

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When I’m centered fully in mySelf, all I know is that I am happy.  All I know is that I feel immense love, openness, and joy in my life.  And if that is offensive to others because they can’t see past their own bitterness and darkness, then I’m sorry.  I actually am.  It actually hurts me.  It’s why I get pulled back into the dark over and over, because it literally hurts me to see how true happiness in me, can hurt another human being so much because they have such a lack of it in their life.  It makes me feel so sad and hurt inside for them.

So I want to be this tough girl who doesn’t care about what other people think, but I DO care.  I care immensely, and not just because I care about what they think of ME, but because I care about how they suffer in themselves.  I can feel it.  My Neptune/Moon feels it all.  The heartbreak I feel in so many people in my life just about does me in.  But I can’t do it anymore.  I can’t go back into the dark.  I’m tired and I’ve been fighting this my whole life, and I just don’t have anymore in me to fight for other people’s happiness.

So yes, I care about each and every person who ever crosses my path.  And all I ever want is to be of use, to help lessen your suffering . . . to help you smile again or to help you not give up.

But that is not my fight in this lifetime.  My fight is now for my own happiness.  My fight is in learning how to let go of feeling like an evil douche when I see that someone is feeling hurt, and I can’t stop and try to understand what is wrong and try to make it all better for them.  That I have to let them feel however they need or choose to feel.  That their feelings are not my responsibility.  That they need to learn how to speak for themselves, even while trapped in the dark.

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It’s also a part of incorporating my own shadow of Pluto & Uranus in Scorpio.  I’m going to sometimes appear on the surface to others as a selfish prick by just being me.  And I have to let go of trying to control that and let others think whatever they want about me.  I have to let them do what I’ve learned myself from running into similar situations.  Learn to speak up.  Say something.  Don’t leave it all on the other person.  If you never say anything, or ask, or discuss it with the other person, how will you ever really know what they were thinking or doing without projecting onto them your own reality?

So . . . anyways, that’s what was going on today in my head.  How about you?

If You Think Your Poop Don’t Stink, Then You Can GTFO

It’s important for me to interact with others.  It’s from interacting with others, that I am able to see myself more clearly.

However for that to be effective, it requires a couple of things.

The person needs to have a certain amount of self awareness.  They need to have a working knowledge of who they are distinct and separate from the others around them. (<–why did I word that like a job description?  I am so weird.)

The person also needs to have a certain amount of openness and trust of others so that they aren’t so closed up and defensive about every little thing that comes out of someone else’s mouth (especially before attempting to understand what was actually meant by the person).

These things are important to me for many reasons.

I am effectively blind to myself.  I need feedback and reflections from others regarding what they see when they interact with me.  I know I have a 1st house full of Self.  But I also have very few aspects to that house from the rest of my chart, so it’s kind of an island out on its own.  I also have an asteroid (and if I have the time I’ll look up which oddball asteroid it is) in my 1st house, that basically describes just that . . . I can’t see me.  I don’t just have blind spots . . . I am completely invisible to myself.  I require the assistance of others to help me see me.

So . . . when I was younger, whenever someone said something to me about me I believed it.  I tried it on for size to see how it fits.  It gave me something to work with, where as before I had nothing.  Eventually I would find all of the ins and outs of what I was told, as well as how much was true for me and how much was actually true for the other person.

My initial motive and interest with others in life, was for no other reason than to *see* myself.  Not in being better than others.  Not in being less than others.  Not in having power over others.  Not for the million reasons that have been projected onto me for why I am like I am or why I do what I do.  In the past, I have been the scapegoat and evil villain in many stories . . . and I did believe them to be true (for the reasons others gave) because I had not been shown that I was anything other than that.

I feel like I have lived life a little inside out from others.  Like I backed into life upside down and inside out.

My 7th house has Uranus in Scorpio and Pluto conjunct the descendant in Libra.  The others in my life, were not very open and honest about what was really going on.  They were completely focused on looking good for others, not in being honest, open, and real.  So these are the people I looked to growing up, in order to understand who I was.  I was very reliant in feedback from them to know myself.  I did not know that they weren’t being open and honest with me.  I didn’t understand that sometimes things are said out of fear or anger and aren’t necessarily true.

So, if in a fit of rage someone were to direct it at me and say, “You are so fucking stupid!”  . . . I fell apart inside, because I was wide open and accepted everything as truth.  The naiveté of Aries.  It went straight to my core, it became my identity.  I couldn’t readily undo it.  I might walk around for months hearing that yelled in my head and feeling crushed because I was such a disappointment.

Now is that the fault of the person who did it?  Not really.  I mean, yeah it’s a pretty crappy thing to yell at a kid . . . but the missed opportunity in that moment when I was younger, was in it being explained to me that the yelling had everything to do with what was going on inside that person and was their thing to own and understand.  And that my response to what they had done, had to do with something going on inside of me that would be valuable for me to learn more about . . . to become aware of and understand for myself.

The person yelling, cannot be held solely responsible for how everyone else responds to them.  How can that one person keep in their head how every single individual is that they come in contact with (including ones they haven’t even met before), and adjust (hide, restrict, suppress) themselves accordingly in order to not offend or hurt anyone?  That’s absolutely insane.  And yet that’s exactly what most of us are taught to do.  (Is there any wonder that projection runs rampant in modern day society?)

But back to me.  (<– yep . . . I am the center of my universe.  Where else should I be . . . the center of your universe?  That’s silly.  That’s where you’re supposed to be.)

So anyways, growing up consisted of everyone throwing their shit at me.  From a very young age, I was first made aware of my dark side.   I grew up in a constant state of fighting to come to peace inside with the fact that I was the devil incarnate.  Not in a defensive way . . . but in the way that innocent children do all things, openly and with their whole heart.

Some people grow up thinking they’re the bees knees and that their shit don’t stink, and later in life have to come to terms with facing the stinkiness of their shit.  Whereas, I grew up thinking only my shit stinks, and everyone else’s was roses.

I *think* my soul knew what it was doing when it chose this life, but the jury in my head is still out on that.

So I get my dark side.  I get other people’s dark side.  Btw, this isn’t a challenge from me to you.  I’m not interested in proving this to anyone.  It’s exhausting and it has become boring.

However in order for me to become balanced and whole, my challenge is to now come to peace with the lighter side in me.  I rarely have that reflected back to me because I need to change how I interact with others in order to stop inviting the people into my life who refuse to acknowledge their OWN dark side and shadows, but are happy to continually point out mine.

It has been incredibly helpful to me for others to reflect my dark back to me so that I’m aware of that part of me, but I’m quite done with it.  I get it.  I’m TOO aware of it.

Being around more self-aware people means that they are less likely to try to project and make me own their own demons.  I’m not expecting perfection, not by any means, but if the other person doesn’t have enough awareness, then I become battle weary in trying to deflect incoming demons being lodged at me from behind their wall of “NOT MINE EVER!”

I need the person to be open and trusting.  Not wide open and over trusting . . . but coupled with enough awareness in order to be able to discern for themselves whether an issue is truly their own.  They need to be open to seeing their own darkness (and furreals . . . not in a distant objective detached philosophical sort of way).  Not blindly accept it, but not blindly deny it.

At the very least, be capable of having an honest discussion in order to further distinguish and understand for both of our sakes.  There are instances where something new happens in an interaction, and I honestly don’t know whose “thing” it is.  If it’s mine, I want to know.  I want to be able to own it.  If it’s not mine, I want to know.  I don’t want to own something that isn’t mine.  It’s not about winning/losing for me.  It’s about truth, openness, and honesty.  Because nothing feels better to me in the whole wide world than to be me . . . all of me . . . the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I just want the goddamn truth.

Much of this is has to do with my Neptune/Moon conjunction in Sagittarius.  I feel comfortable and at home when Truth is being spoken.  I feel safe and okay to be open (intimacy . . . moon in 8th house), when there is Truth between me and another.  It is no surprise to me that I find so little comfort in this world . . . there is so little Truth being spoken.  So many are hiding from themselves and each other.  It also relates to my Gemini Sun conjunct Jupiter in my 2nd house.  I feel secure when I understand.  I don’t want to judge and rule people for Christ’s sake . . . I just don’t feel safe at all when I don’t understand what is really going on.

Not only that, but regarding Gemini Sun/Jupiter conjunction . . . that is a lot of damn light(ness) going on.  But where is it?  {Looks around innocently with hands up in question}  Where’d it go?  Where is the fun, silly, light-hearted part of me?  Well . . . that’s my current quest.  I’ve lived a life thinking I’m only Pluto . . . that I’m only my shadow.  I’m now more interested and motivated to explore my lighter side.  My fun and laughter side in order to round out my understanding of my shadow.

I’m only now beginning to be able to communicate more effectively to others what it is I’m needing in relationships, because whenever I’ve tried to explain it in the past, it was taken in a completely different way than I meant it.  It took me some time to sort through all of “the requests from me/responses from others” within myself over the years to see how/where/why communication broke down.  (And btw, a shoutout to An Upturned Soul who has been tremendously helpful for me recently with her voicing her own struggles, in helping me become more clear about what it is I’m trying to communicate/say.)

For example, I’m not interested in blind praise.  I think I can thank Saturn in Leo for that.  I’m not looking for someone to puff up my pride.  I don’t need you to tell me I’m pretty or that I’m special or that I’m awesome.  Mostly because I don’t understand what that means or what is meant by that.  Often general statements like that are also projections.

I think you’re pretty {because it’s important to me that I be called pretty, it’s something I value . . . so I’m giving you a compliment by saying you’re pretty.}  Except that’s not a compliment to me.  It doesn’t actually mean anything to me.  So if you wish to say it because you really feel it, then please do.  What I learn about you from that . . . is that you value looking good.  And that’s cool.  I’m actually glad to learn that about you, because it’s something about you that is different from me.  I value *that* understanding more . . . than the fact that you think I’m pretty.

But if you’re only saying I’m pretty because you assume that’s what I value and what I want to hear from you (in order to get on my good side so that you can get something from me), then that is not seeing me.  That’s you seeing me as an extension of you.  I don’t want to be you.  I want to be me.  I want you to be YOU.  I don’t want to be someone else’s illusion . . . I don’t want others to be an illusion to me.  I want TRUTH.  I want REAL.  Not niceness and kindness for the sake of niceness and kindness.  That’s . . . ugh . . . it is so limiting!!!

I am interested in seeing you for who you are and NOT as an extension of myself or to use you in an attempt to validate my own self illusions.

So to wrap this up . . . before my head starts spinning like the exorcist, going forward I’m going to be actively approaching life in a new way so that I’m able to start seeing the lighter and brighter side of me.

This means my response to others will change.  I’m not asking others to change their response to me.  You just do what you do however you want to do it.  But what you get back from me going forward, may be different.  I’m going to make sure I’m all extra awkward and weird about it too.  (<– not really try to be, it will occur naturally)

I will though, be holding others responsible for themselves.  I don’t want to hold other’s garbage for them anymore.  I’m also tired of keeping my mouth shut so that I don’t offend anybody.  I’m totally expecting and accepting that I’m going to piss people off.  I’m going to offend.  People will leave here with their panties in a wad.

Not because that’s my intent or focus, but because that’s a common response when people get stripped bare.  I have been getting stripped bare my entire life.  Don’t think I don’t know how it feels.  That’s ALL I know.  But now, if you come around me, by default you are going to be stripped bare.  That’s all I want in my space.  Openness, honesty, trust.  I need everything to be out in the open.  That’s where I feel safe.  That’s where I feel okay.  You want to be in my space, then that is what you can expect.  It’s your choice to come or go.

Okay . . . not everything . . . for example, I don’t need to know that you like to play with barbies while you sit on the toilet.  I’m open to having a discussion on what I even mean by “everything out in the open”.  If you were being defensive, you may have responded with “I’m not telling that bitch EVERYTHING about me!  Who does she think she is?!?!”  If you were being open you may have responded with “I wonder what she means by that?” and if it was important enough for you to know . . . you’d ask me.

My focus will be on staying true at all times inside and out.  And just because I’m not all sugar and spice and everything nice in my communications, is not so much because I’m evil . . . but because I’m striving towards always being true.  I care more about truth than I do in looking like the good guy. I always have.  That is what is at my center.

So, if you need others to always be nice and kind and sweet with you because you are fragile and sensitive and you think that is what it means to be respectful . . . then you can GTFO.

If you think being passive with me or tip-toeing around me means I’m not going to call you out on your shit when you’re shoveling it . . . you can GTFO.

If you’re more interested in playing the victim your whole life instead of doing something about it, then you can GTFO.

However, if you’re interested in starting to see what is real in life and what is true both in others and yourself, then GTFIH (Get The Fuck In Here).

If you’re interested in learning a new way of being and of being in relation to others, then GTFIH.

If you’re interested in seeing what experiencing life in a fun and warm-filled way is like, then GTFIH . . . and let’s hug it out!

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What The Lord Of The Underworld Has To Say About The Affairs Of The Heart

I was replying to a comment in another post, and found myself in the mood to talk about it a bunch.  It’s in response to a comment from johnsie4 (aka Janelle) who said:

I’m interested to hear more about Pluto in opposition to Asc, one of my kids has this aspect and I’m interested to learn what that might mean for him.  How does it make you feel?

I’m finding that I’m just in the mood to talk about Pluto in general . . . so I’ll begin with Pluto in opposition to the Ascendant . . . but where it ends up is anyone’s guess.

If astrology is not your *thing*, then this post will be beginning with ways in which hidden (in plain sight) power struggles between me and others play themselves out in my life.

Aries Ascendant/Rising in Opposition (180 degrees) to Pluto in Libra in the 7th House.

Aries Ascendant/Rising in Opposition (180 degrees) to Pluto in Libra in the 7th House.

This is a little busy, but it’s to show the full axis of the 1st and 7th house.  I put Pluto in a heart . . . because he needs love too.  (Huh . . . just noticed transiting mars recently went past my natal Pluto . . . no wonder I’m interested in talking about Pluto LOL).

Anyhoo.  How this has shown up in my life.

I tend to trust people fully as soon as I decide I like someone.  I am completely open and honest with them about everything.  I don’t have a weeding out period where someone has to earn my trust before I start divulging things about myself.  This is really stupid of me, because it lets all kinds of unworthy people into my circle of trust that I should not be letting in there.

Others in my life are evasive about themselves.  It’s like pulling teeth to get anyone to say anything about their personal lives.  They have way more information about me before I have hardly anything on them . . . so that gives them a sort of power over me.  And if they misuse it (and most likely they will because it’s rare to find an enlightened Pluto . . . meaning the stuff they do is subconscious and they can’t even see how they do it.) then my life becomes a living hell.

Also, I’m usually excited to share my relationship with everyone.  “Yay!  Look, this is my boyfriend!”  And every.single.time. for one stupid reason or another . . . I’m some big secret in their lives.

One boyfriend told me AFTER we had been seeing each other for a couple of weeks . . . that “Oh btw . . . I’m an active Muslim.  I can’t be seen with you in public or introduce you to my family, otherwise they will pressure me to marry you.  Is that going to be a problem?”  <— THAT . . . is an example of Pluto on the descendant.  (Btw, because my moon is in Sagittarius (Religions/Faith) in the 8th (Intimacy) . . . that also affects my close relationships.)

Another long-term boyfriend from Belfast, Ireland (More Sagittarius Moon 8th house . . . people from all over the globe) who had moved to my area, didn’t want to tell anyone back home about me because divorce had just become legal over there and he was going through a divorce.  You had to prove one of the approved reasons for getting a divorce in order to get one.  His reason was because of her cheating on him.  So . . . he had to be on his high horse and not let anyone know he was dating anyone before the divorce was final, otherwise how was he any better than her?  (It took about 2 years for a divorce to g0 through.)  So for a WHOLE SUMMER, when his two kids and parents came to visit . . . I couldn’t go see him and had to pretend I didn’t have a boyfriend.

It is ALWAYS something.  And I’m ALWAYS understanding.  But over time, it really . . . really wore down my self esteem because in my own subconscious I was being told by these people that I was someone to be ashamed being seen with.  I wasn’t valuable, I wasn’t wanted.  I ALLOWED them to do that.  So by me not speaking up and saying, “Oh HELL NO!”  I just said, “Oh . . . okay . . . I understand.” and put up with way more than I should have.

The hard part (and this is specific to Pluto in Libra) is that they all seem like perfectly sweet men.  You could analyze them up, down, and sideways and you’d never find anything you could put your finger on and say, “Aha!  There’s your flaw!”  And yet . . . a year or so down the road . . . I’d take a look at myself and find that I had fallen a long way.  Miserable, ill, depressed, lifeless.

Also any time I was in a relationship, I could say goodbye to my friends and family until after the relationship because we got swallowed up in our own little world.  There were often issues of jealousy.  I was a possession to be owned.  My every move was controlled or questioned.  I would become isolated and it would become hard to see a way out of the relationship.  After awhile I’d forget that life had been any other way.  When you feel like you’ve been dropped to the bottom of a very deep well and like the walls are closing in on you and you’re all alone, and like things will never change or get better . . . you are experiencing Pluto.

After the umpteenth time of repeating this “dying” process . . . I finally took a break.  An eight year break.  And decided to figure out WTF was going on with me.  I ripped into my psyche to find what it was about me that was causing me to basically invite the same guy into my life over and over.  I left no stone unturned.  I was brutally honest with myself.  I analyzed every scenario from every perspective until things started to clear in my head and make more sense.

I came up with hypothesizes on why I did certain things and what I could do to potentially change it . . . and tried it out in my own life.  Again in a relentless almost obsessed (Pluto) manner.  Eventually I made it down deep enough in myself to where I found my own inner Pluto.  And when I cracked that bad boy open . . . for the first time ever in my life, I began to make REAL progress in changing myself.  I began to feel a sense of peace I had never felt before.  And forgiveness, because I could see myself in all of my past relationships.  And I saw how it’s really us that keeps ourselves prisoner with our own judgments (Libra).

Pluto on the Descendant (or opposition to the Asc), means that relationships will be where your transformation takes place.  It’s through relationships that you’ll experience the death and rebirth of the Phoenix.  It means that eventually . . . if you decide to face your own inner Pluto . . . you will come out of the other end understanding human relations inside and out.  The what, when, where, why, and how of relationships.  You will understand the affairs of the heart.