Remembering My Will To Live

Do you know what I remembered about myself today?  The only time I get angry . . . and I mean like Wrath of Jenn kind of angry . . . is when a true injustice is happening and needs to be set right.

You know what else I realized about myself?  I *don’t* believe that the actions of a person necessarily say what kind of person someone is.  People often say, “Actions speak louder than words.”  Well . . . okay.  But does that make them more accurate than words?  Is it not possible that the same thing that fuels a person’s words can also fuel their actions . . . and both be just as wrong or right?

I understand what is meant by the quote.  That there is talking about something, and then there’s actually doing something about it.  But some people are meant to use their words . . . and some are meant to take action.  Not everyone is meant to do both.  But that’s getting off track.  I was simply wanting to point out that I see flaws in this quote, so since I’m going to tear it apart anyways . . .

It’s easy to make a swift judgment about someone based on their words or their actions without bothering to even understand their motive or what drives them.  That’s the lazy way.  Or.  That’s the fearful way.

I’ve been watching a Korean drama series called “The Great Queen Seon Deok” on Netflix.  And as often happens in my world, the things I happen to be watching or reading at any point in my life, have circumstances play out that ends up having the characters talking about exactly the things that have been on my mind for that day or even the hour before.

Yesterday, I was wondering what had happened to my will.  Why has my will and confidence waned in the last year?  How do I get it back?  I have loads of Aries Fire . . . will, initiative, drive, fight . . . so where is it?  And why can’t I even seem to get myself into an anger fit over having lost it?  I actually miss getting angry.  I miss caring about something so much that I’m willing to go to battle over it.

The conversations between the characters last night touched on this subject.  The “evil” woman-in-charge in the show (who eventually the Great Queen opposes), said that there are two things we can do when we become afraid.  We can run.  Or we can get angry.  (And then me being a back seat driver said, “Or you can freeze.”)

But this supposed evil woman (who really has quite a bit of wisdom, even if misguided) really got me thinking.  She basically had said “fight or flight” . . . the survival instinct . . . Aries.  But because she had worded it differently (or the translator did . . . unsung heroes), it helped me see outside of my box.

Later in the episode, it showed an action the evil woman had taken to get her way.  The villagers were running away in fear . . . victims . . . helpless.  Even the royalty were bending over and taking it.  But then this one dude in the Princess’s guards lost it when his parents were like . . . “maybe we should have you marry into her family (evil woman – not princess) in order to keep our clan safe for future generations.”  The dude was like “What?  WHAT?!”  And then his mom was like don’t lose your cool, don’t act irrationally, etc.

Then the guy earned my respect when he DID become calm . . . but also very focused . . . and VERY sure about himself.  He was *confidence* and *calm* incarnate.  He said, “No.  No.  FIRST (said every Aries ever) you get angry.  FIRST you let yourself feel the anger of what is happening.”

I think it was at this point I started crying.

He wasn’t going off like a berserker and mindlessly going on a killing spree.  He was using his anger in the way it was intended to be used.  To change how things are.  Anger is an energy that is needed in order to take action to do something that needs to be done.  But I feel like there’s this assumption that anger means we go to war.  Yes, if you lose your goddamn head (Aries) you can find yourself writing checks your ass can’t cash and end up in costly wars.  But temper (Libra) and discipline that Aries energy . . . and you have someone who is going to make change happen that is long overdue.

The dude (who shall be referred to for the rest of my post as “my hero”) went to the princess and the “secret” princess pretending to be a man in the guard, and was all “Seriously?  Seriously?  Don’t tell me that you’re sitting there in fear.  Because if you’re sitting there wimping out in defeat, I’m outta here.”  And then you saw the secret princess pause . . . and then something lit up in her eyes.  And I started cheering at the TV.

I KNOW that look.  That is the look of determination.  That is the look of, “oh HELL no you did not just mess with my peeps.”

All it takes is that one person . . . that ONE person (Aries) . . . to spark that fire in others.  That’s exactly what Aries is . . . the spark of life.  Of the three fires in the zodiac (fire is inspiration), Aries is the spark that initiates life.  It’s the moment we are born.  The moment new ideas are born.  (Leo & Sagittarius are the other fires).  It’s the crossover from the divine (pisces) into life (aries).  Aries is the start of spring.  New life.

Aries/Mars is also the will to live.  Your will to live.  Your reason for living.

I have a LOT of this in me.  But when you have lots of something, you can take it for granted . . . not understand what you have that others are missing.  I have experienced the last year, what it feels like to have it go missing.  And o . m . g . you guys.  It sucks.  It sucks ass.  It sucks ass bad.

I have always struggled with my temper and my anger.  I don’t want people to be scared of me.  I don’t want to scare people.  I want to help and protect them.  But my temper and anger is often misunderstood.  I’ve worked so hard to  . . . well I guess honestly to overcome it . . . to try and transcend my anger.  For some reason I took my anger (which is the same energy as my will, confidence, passion) to be something bad or wrong with me.  A civilized person doesn’t get angry.

And that’s exactly what all these royal “people in charge” were trying to tell my hero.  That the way he was feeling was wrong.  And he was all, “Nope.”  {swoon}

Aries are also the leaders in life.  They’re the ones who are willing to stand alone in what they believe, and say, “This is not right.  This is not okay.  I cannot stand by and continue to go along with this.  I need to take action.”  Anger . . . serves . . . a VERY important purpose.  And if our response is ALWAYS to repress it in the name of being “civil” or even “sacrifice” (here, marry our enemy) . . . we will as a whole, lose our will.

We will lose our will to live.  We will lose our fight . . . our spirit.  We will lose all of the fuel needed in order to make true change happen in our times of need.  You aren’t being civilized just because you aren’t raising your voice.  You aren’t being a good person just because you are being passive.

And I LOVED my hero’s point.  He wasn’t saying to throw diplomacy out the window.  He wasn’t saying that you don’t sit and think things through.  He was saying FIRST . . . you let yourself feel your anger so that you have clarity and understanding about what is really happening.  That is the epitome of Aries . . . and my Aries Mars and Venus were crying, cheering . . . feeling validated for probably the first time ever.  That it’s okay.  It’s okay that I am that way.  It serves a purpose . . . there is a use for it in our lives.  It is not something that fell away with the days that we were “barbarians”.

How do you know how you feel about something really, if you don’t let the initial emotion that comes through . . . come through.  My Aries outbursts are immediate . . . and then gone.  I mean gone gone.  I don’t hold grudges.  I erupt with the initial feeling at a situation . . . that tells me without filtering or rationalizing, what I REALLY feel about something.  Then it’s gone . . . but then I’m left feeling very clear about what it is I need to do.  It’s like a super power.  My level of awareness and focus goes into supernova and I know exactly what.the.fuck. needs to happen.  And it does happen.  It will happen.

An immature Aries person might do it without thinking and hurt and run over people.  But I’ve been disciplining the hell out of my Aries, and I’m fully aware and present when I’m in that state.  I am able to continue to stay aware of what I’m doing, even as I’m managing and putting out 10,000 fires.  This is what my anger, my temper, my Aries does for me.  It’s what makes me a superhero in my own story of life.

When I try to hide it, or suppress it so that I don’t intimidate or scare others, or because of other’s judgment of what they think it is . . . I lose a very, very important part of who I am.  Without my fight and passion . . . I am not me.  Without my heart and love for those in my world . . . I am nothing.  I become nothing.  I accomplish nothing.  I lose my will.  I lose my fire.

My actions become ones from a place of fear.  I buckle under pressure.  I lose my voice.  I become afraid of taking any risks or any chances.  I become a victim of life.  I do what I’m told without argument.  (<— that’s an action)  I do all kinds of things I don’t agree with because I have no fight or strength to do otherwise.  (<— that’s an action)  I only do bare minimum to get by or survive (<— that’s an action)  But . . . those things are not me.  That’s a broken Jenn.  That’s not a Jenn on Fire.

There was a quote in a recent post of mine that said that with my North Node Libra, I would find in me a great ability to give will to others where there was none before.  And when reading that, it had made me cry.  I didn’t know why it touched me.  But after feeling so worthless and “wrong” and bad my whole life because of my passion and will . . . and then seeing that there is a need and a purpose for that very thing in me . . . I feel validated in life and for my existence in the highest degree.  That it’s because of those very things in me that have been feared, shamed, repressed . . . that make me such a valuable and needed person in the world.

It’s like having wandered the wilderness alone my whole life, wishing for any sign of a friendly face or a kind word . . . and having only ever met hungry wolves.  And then one day, wandering into a huge protected community full of people who have been waiting for me with open arms in order to fill me up with all the love care a person could ever want . . . just because I was me.  Just because I existed.  That that was all that was ever being asked of me in the first place.

Gomer Pyle