But Seriously, I’m Just Happy To Be Here :)

Waking up yesterday to the first full day of spring, I was really feeling the Sun’s move into Aries.  I was reminded of the core, base foundation of what Aries/Mars energy is.  The will . . . nay, the want to live.  Aries energy/vibration/frequency is what tells things, “It’s time to be born.”

It’s what motivates grass to grow and flower blossoms to bloom and tree leaves to bud.  It’s what tells babies to be born and the mind when an idea’s time has come.  “Now . . . now is the time.”  It’s not something you think about or contemplate.  That happened while in the womb, while in the dirt, while things were planning to come into existence in the physical vibration.  That is Pisces/Neptune.

No, Aries energy comes as the most basic instinct.  It is the “I want” feeling that comes from your root/base chakra.

Now, everyone has different expressions of this energy.  You can have Mars in any of the 12 zodiac signs in your chart, and you could have Aries in any of the 12 houses in the zodiac depending on the time you were born.  It’s like putting on a costume for Mars.  “Today, Mars is wearing the latest fall fashion of Sagittarius Couture.  In this very free spirited outfit, he tends to seek out dangerous adventures in the wild jungles of booga booga.”

But no matter how you express it, at it’s core, it is still our will to live.  It is the energy that brought you into this world, and it is the energy that pushes you to live life to the fullest.  Or not.

I was blessed (or not) with a buttload of this energy.  (Omg, Jenn, we KNOW!)  Well, for those of you new to the site, I have an Aries Rising/Ascendant, South Node Aries, Eris (rising), and Mars & Venus both in Aries.  I also have additional planets in the 1st house (the house of Self, Aries/Mars) that still more emphasizes my Aries/Mars energy even though they aren’t in the sign Aries.  Mercury, Chiron, & Sedna.

Do you remember back in school, how there were always those kids who seemed too stupid to know that they weren’t supposed to like school?  They were like teacher’s pets and all, “Ohh Ohh, pick me, pick me, I know the answer!” and doing all of their homework, etc.?

So that’s kind of what all of this Aries/Mars/1st house energy did to me in regards to life.  I’m all:

"I'm just happy to be here!"

“I’m just happy to be here!”

And the rest of society looks at me exactly how everyone looks at teacher’s pets, with disdain and disgust.  It is embarrassing, people.  I feel this joy bubble up in me (because as if my 1st house wasn’t enough, I also have Sun/Jupiter in Gemini. . . the energy of 100 white hot suns . . . if the suns were all great big kids – and also Neptune/Moon in Sagittarius . . . which is *the* optimist of the zodiac), and I am genuinely revved up and ready to get out there into life and make it happen!  Let’s DO this!  Woooo!

I am sincerely SO  HAPPY  JUST TO  BE  HERE! (On the inside)  But uh . . . I do not find a lot of people who share my enthusiasm for life, and there’s a point where my joy can just start to look like I’m being an insensitive asshole.  I want to fit in you guys.  I do NOT want to be *that* guy.  So if someone is all “God, life just fucking sucks.”  I’m joyously responding, “God, seriously!  Why does life have to suck so much?”  {Big grin . . . oh wait, I’m doing that wrong . . . furrow forehead}

"Am I doing it right?  Do I look more angry about life?"

“Am I doing it right? Do I look more angry about life?”

Okay, now I’m just shamefully (I *want* to say shamelessly) posting old pics of myself from a time before life took me down another couple hundred notches, so that I can feel better about myself.  These are about ten years old, (50 in single mom years).  Actually this is kind of fun.  I feel like I’m sharing an old friend of mine with you, because I am definitely not that girl anymore.  Okay one more with more of my Aries direct stare:

Then a few years later after shit really started to hit the fan for me (oh hi Saturn return) and weight gain, hair loss . . .

Jenn 2008

. . . oh, but wait, I’m still smiling.  (What the hell, Jenn?)  Okay . . . hold on I’m going to find one where I’m not smiling like a loon . . . ok I only have one I can immediately find and in this pic my family was camping and it was as hot as hellfire and I was so miserable I was ready to kick mother nature’s ass, and my mom thought that would be a great time to grab the camera.  I’m with my giant brother, Louis (I’m 5’9″ and he’s scrunching down to fit into the picture.  He’s like 10 feet tall or something like that.)

Me_Louie_2008

Anyways, I have unquenchable curiosity, and so I wanted to know why people don’t want to be here or to be alive.  So I went marching down that road head first like a spazzed out Alice.  Although instead of curiouser and curiouser, I was saying wtf? wtf?  What is wrong with you people?

No, that was a genuine question.  I wanted to know because something *had* to be wrong for them to be so unhappy to be here.  Okay, well, wait – I was *also* wondering what I was doing wrong because I was obviously missing some life memos.

Subject: Re: Don’t tell Jenn, but here’s intel that explains why you should *not* be happy about life.

Let’s face it, it is not cool to want to be alive, is it?  How ridiculous is that?  You are here–>  (red dot on life map)  The only way to un-be here is to “die”.  When that happens was pre-arranged before you came here, soooo you shouldn’t be focused on that and you certainly shouldn’t be trying to make it happen before then.  That totally misses the point of being here.

That’s like waiting in line for 4 hours to get onto the Space Mountain ride at Disneyland, and then cussing and bitching and moaning the entire time you’re on the ride.  Well, then why in the hell did you come?  Jesus people.  You know this is temporary right?  This is like a short ride.  It’s not REAL existence.  We are all pretending it is, but you guys are pretending a little too well and the “It’s a small world” ride has turned into a horror movie with creepy circus music playing in the background.

So I was looking at old astrology reports I had purchased on a site like back in 2009, because I like to see how far off the rails I’ve gone with how I see my chart.  Reading your own chart, over time, can be a bit like the telephone game where you say one sentence to the first person, and by the 15th person the message has gone from “I like toast” to “French whores smell not so great.”

It was a Life Purpose Report.  That sounds like a pretty useful thing to know.  So it had this to say:

With Saturn in Leo, your mission is to let your inner light shine, freely and joyfully expressing your multiple creative talents. When your creative expression comes directly from your heart, you inspire others to ignite their own creative spark. Ultimately, you are here to be a leader, brightening the planet with your unique vision and the pure joy of your being.

Having fun and creatively expressing yourself aren’t the worst cosmic assignments, but with Saturn in Leo, embracing the pleasure principle does not come easily. Saturn’s sign shows your fears, blocks and challenges based on childhood experiences or family background. With Saturn in Leo, your natural exuberance and creativity may have been squashed at an early age.

Saturn in Leo adults often feel like they didn’t get to be children, that they had to grow up and take on responsibility at a young age. You may feel like you never learned how to have fun. Your work is to become more like a child, fully engaged in the present moment and openly expressing your thoughts and feelings.

As Leo rules the heart, Saturn in Leo can indicate a wounded or broken heart early in life.

baby

Do you hear that people?  Squashed.  All of that enthusiasm you see in me?  That is a squashed version.  That’s right, I have been holding back.  (Oh dear god no.)

But seriously?  (Haha . . . Saturn is super serious.) My job is to find and express my inner child?  That.is.cool.  But you know what, I bet I signed up for that job thinking it would be easy, before I came down here to a bunch of whiners and dicks who feel like they’re too good to join in on life and actually, god forbid, be seen shamelessly enjoying themselves!  : )

I’m just messing, I love you guys.  But seriously . . . lighten up.  I’ve got a job to do here and you’re not making it very easy.

Hello?

Loneliness is a strange thing in my mind.  It’s not always obvious to me when I’m experiencing it.  It’s not always obvious to me when I’m trying to hide from it.  It’s not always obvious to me whether it is me that is lonely because of cutting off from everyone else, or whether everyone else is cut off from me.

As I speak, where Venus (What we love) is currently located in the sky (Taurus 3 degrees) is the same degree that my natal Chiron (Wounded Healer or Deepest Wound) is located.  Even when a planet as lovely as Venus comes near something that owie in our chart, it is going to hurt.  I don’t relish when any contact is made with this degree on my chart . . . but I also learned not to run from it.  At least with Venus, it helps soften it enough for me to summon my courage to keep my eyes open as I look at it, even as I’m saying “owie owie owie owie owie” through my tears.

Because I do want to see it.  Even if it’s gross and gory with broken bones poking out of the skin, and makes me wanna throw up.  How else can I take action to make it better if I don’t know what I’m dealing with?  Either way it’s going to hurt, but at least this way I have a chance of some day being free of it.

While in most cases I don’t have any problems going where angels fear to tread, Chiron is one area of my life that I pretty much have to be tricked into facing.  “Oh look Jenn, what’s that over there?  Is that cake?  That’s definitely cake.  You should go check it out.”  Otherwise it’s a whole bunch of nope.

Nope Finger

 This is in my 1st house of self, so it’s like a linchpin anchored into the core of my psyche.  It’s also conjunct (right next to) my natal Mars & Venus which are very personal planets.  Well, and them both being in Aries, you can’t get anymore personal than that.  So inevitably, to get to my personal Self, I have to navigate the ninja land mind that is Chiron within me.

Chiron in mythology was an immortal and revered centaur who was a great healer and founded the ‘school of heroes’ in which many greats were trained.  One day he was accidentally shot with a poisoned arrow (one of Hercules) and despite his extraordinary healing abilities, was unable to heal the wound.  He was in incredible pain, but because he was immortal he was unable to die.  He had to learn how to come to peace with it.

One day he comes across Prometheus who is going through his own miserable existence from having stolen fire from the gods and was being punished by being chained to a rock and every day having his liver eaten by an Eagle and every night growing a new liver.  (I have to hand it to the gods for coming up with some pretty gnarly and yet creative punishments.)

Because of Chiron’s own personal experience of dealing with an agonizing situation of his own, he felt compassion for Prometheus’s situation.  He couldn’t heal himself, but he could help Prometheus and in doing so . . . he *did* help his own pain.  Chiron offered to give up his immortality to Prometheus which would free him.  Prometheus became immortal and broke free from the rock he was chained to, and Chiron dropped dead.  It was a win/win.

Actually, Chiron was given a place in heaven as a constellation for his great sacrifice and is now all sparkly and magical.

I have to tell you though, I’m less than thrilled about this being in my first house of Self.  It’s not in my house of Other where I come across others that are wounded in life.  It’s not in my house of Humanity or large groups of people that were wronged in history.  It’s not this thing that I encounter outside of me where I can see it and look at it objectively and figure out how to help from the comfort of my own skin.  It is this *thing* that has always been present with me since birth.  And I can’t be who I really am unless I walk smack straight into this pain and just stand my ground within, until I am strong enough to be able to bear it without passing out.

It’s like trying to get emotionally strong enough to be capable of performing open heart surgery on yourself.  You obviously have to stay conscious and fully present the whole time along with great discipline and endurance to stomach some raw gory shit.

There’s a point where you have endured so much pain for so long with no let up or relief, that something else starts to take you over.  Something that transcends normal everyday existence.  It’s too much to hold onto and live with, and so your choices become to either die or to let go of things that really do not matter.

I think it’s also important to understand that this pain I live with, I was born with.  My mom said I suffered night terrors from birth.  I remember having dreams that were so real and lucid that I was traumatized by them over and over.  One dream I remember when I was six, was of being a girl of about the same age in a house that was on fire and the smoke and flames were getting into my room.  I was trying to get out but the doors and walls were too hot.  I was trapped and forced to my bed where I started to lose consciousness from not being able to breathe.

I became fully lucid during that dream which felt as real as real life, but I could also feel my current six year old body thrashing on my real bed and me screaming at myself to please wake up and even scratching at my eyes trying to force them open so that I could end the nightmare.

I have never really been able to talk about this ever present pain in me.  There are no words for what I experience inside.  I wish I could.  I want to.  Not for sympathy . . . not for pity.  Not for attention.  It’s this burning need to try and reach anyone else out there that is going through this same pain and have lost their own voices to express this indescribable *thing* that they live with every day and who nobody ever truly hears and who are never allowed to truly speak and who feel alone in life because of it . . . to say that I understand your pain and that you are not alone.

There is one thing that living with this pain does not do, and that is procure a desire to compete with other people about who hurts or suffers more.  My need, my desire to be heard is not one born out of selfishness and need for attention.  It is not to get my way or to excuse my behavior.

You know how sometimes a person will yell out when they’ve cut or hurt themselves unexpectedly before they get control of themselves?  That is the same need in me that pushes me to find a way to express it.  I don’t talk about my stuff to whine, never moving on with my life, I am driven to find words to say it, to share it.  And something about sharing it, heals something in me.  When it reaches someone who knows this same pain, it has the ability to help heal something in them too.

In fact, if I go too long not actively working on this and doing this, the pain becomes crippling in me to the point that I can barely function and then I have to start all over again to get back to the same point I was at before.  Just like Chiron where he was in pain but couldn’t heal it for good, but he also couldn’t die.  I have no choice but to deal with it in the manner that it needs to be dealt with.

If I had to put a name to what it is that pains me right here and right now, I would say that it is the same as the night terrors I had when I was a child where I am conscious and lucid both in the sleep state and in the awake state.

I am aware of my soul Awake state at the same time that I am aware of my sleep human state and my soul Awake state is thrashing around trying to wake up from this night terror that we are all living in and think is real.  It’s not.  This is exactly like a bad dream.  You have to shake yourself awake, it’s time to wake up!

Please remember who you really are.  Please remember your soul and who you were before you were born here and lost all of your memories.  Please shake off the amnesia.  Please become present and come more fully into your body.  Please drop all of the petty and trivial shit now and remember yourselves!

I don’t want to be alone in this anymore.  I need for you guys to start showing up.  Where are you?  Are you out there?  Anybody?

 

My House My Rules

Hey you know what?  I remembered something very important to me today.  So like if I say something that is true for me in a state of centeredness or true deep joy, and someone shows up in my sphere of existence and is in a very unhealthy self absorbed way and mistakes what I was actually saying . . . like there’s not a fluffing thing I can do about it.  There’s what I was actually experiencing and feeling, and then there’s the unhealthy person’s projection on me.  No matter how self conscious or responsible I try to be in what I say, people are going to take the most innocent things and warp and twist that shit into something it’s not and try to hand it to me as “truth”.

There are so many complexities that are not being taken into consideration when they do that.  There is how something feels and is experienced when your heart is opened, and then there’s the darker and heavier version of someone who is shut down or collapsed into themselves.  You can’t take someone’s open hearted flow of words and apply closed heart logic to it and call it truth or fair.  If you’re closed, whether you wish to admit it or not, you are not going to understand what I’m really meaning or saying so you can just shut the hell up and get off my site.  I have this many –> 0 fucks to give you.

I’ve done said that if you think your shit don’t stink then you can GTFO and I mean it.  I’ve had it with you narcisstic self absorbed, NO INTEREST in actually getting your life and shit together, endless excuse it’s never my fault, irresponsible for your own self and choices, I’m just interested on looking like I know what I’m talking about, false humility mother fuckers.  Fuck you.

You make it hard for people to tell the difference between genuine people and people who are just fronting.  You confuse the youth from understanding the difference between going through the motions and actually feeling and living it.  You spread falseness like a disease.  You waste people’s time, energy, and resources with your bullshit.  Good people.  People who are genuine and don’t deserve that kind of treatment.  Shame on you!

Wanting everything to be “fair”.  Wanting your bullshit to be treated as fair and equal as someone else’s genuineness?  How about no.  When you’re standing in genuineness, bullshit is pretty damn obvious . . . but when you’re standing in bullshit, you think everyone is standing in bullshit and not anymore “right” than you and therefore you’re equal.  Well, it’s not!  No matter how much you want to be in the right and don’t want to let the truth into your fractured and distorted reality, it doesn’t mean that it gets to be right and forced as a truth.

But Jenn, what makes you think you’re not doing that right now?  Because I know what both sides look like because I DID the real and hard work of taking an honest look at myself.  That shit has taken over a decade of hiding myself away from the world and moving through excruciating self honesty and not letting myself get away with ANY bullshit and taking responsibility for myself and everything going on in my life, even when it wasn’t actually my fault.

I didn’t sit there proclaiming to the world around me how I was taking care of myself and doing right by me and how I don’t need no man and the million of things people say trying to convince themselves that they’re actually taking action for their lives when they’re not.  Because when you really are doing what needs to happen to pull your life together, you don’t have time, energy, or even a fuck to give about how other people see you or what they’re thinking about you.  You are heads down and actually taking care of shit, not talking about it.

If this is something that you really have done in your life, then you are not going to have a single issue with me or what I say.  You aren’t going to have a need to “call me out”.  You are going to have compassion and understanding of others and not be so quick to judge.  You give people chances even if they don’t deserve it.  You actually care, not by meaningless words but by an energy that emits from you that people who are closed up and blind can’t feel or detect even if their life fucking depended on it.

If you haven’t done this work, you could stand to shut up and listen to those of us who have.  You might actually learn something.

 Scratchy Bleedy

There’s Nothing You Can Do About Me Loving You

I’ve got a bone to pick.

I, as my own sovereign being, have my very own feelings.  Feelings that I get to feel for no other reason than that they exist.

My issue is that at every turn, I am told in some shape, way, or form that I am wrong in my feelings.  Not outright.  Nobody is outright saying, “Hey Jenn!  You’re an effing liar!”  No.  I would actually prefer if people did that, because that is something I recognize and understand how to fight.

I am surrounded by people that I love very much.  People who do not think very highly of themselves.  Who think less of themselves than they really are.  They are completely and thoroughly convinced that they are undeserving and unworthy of being loved.

I feel people at the Soul level (Neptune/Moon in Sag. conjunction).  I feel the Truth of a person.  I feel my Soul and my Soul feels their Soul.  I know my heart.  I know what I know and I know what I feel.

When I feel love for someone, and I share that feeling with them, whether in the feelings in my words or in my presence, it is genuine.  It’s from my Soul.  My Big Momma Heart.

I don’t have an ulterior motive.  I’m not thinking, ‘Oh, I’ll be here for you now in your hard time so that you are here for me in my hard time.’  I’m not thinking anything.  I’m simply being, emoting, existing in that moment with you.  The only thing I wish for and want, is for what I’m giving, what I’m offering . . . to be received with an open heart.

That is the absolutely most respectful thing that could be done in response to when I go to give of myself in that way.  When the person allows it into them, it fills my heart with warmth and love,  and what better gift could a person be given than to be filled with warmth and love?

But do you know what I get met with instead?

I am met with people closed to receiving.  They think so little of themselves, they refuse to allow anyone to love or comfort them.  All they have are excuses, excuses, excuses.  They think themselves broken beyond repair.  They think nobody can help them or save them.  They’re special in that nobody can reach them or help them.  “Yeah, but in my case . . . ”

It’s not true.  I can see and feel that it’s not true.  I can feel their Soul asking for help.  “Please help me.”  But the mother ‘effin humans themselves?  God save us all, you get in your own stupid way!

Seriously.  In that situation, of the two of us, who do you think is in a better place to have a more healthy and realistic perspective?  So, if something in me says, “This person is in need of care and comfort.” and then the person runs a play that says they are undeserving of being loved or cared for . . . well, don’t you think that’s your problem right there?  You never let love or care in?

And what it immediately says to me, to my feelings, is that my feelings are wrong.  I feel that you need love and care, and you don’t believe it for any reason whether consciously or subconsciously, and then you proceed to try to convince ME that you don’t need or deserve love or care?  Then you sir (or madam) are attempting to tell me that my feelings are wrong, and that does not sit well with me.

You can run around and think and feel whatever stupid nonsense you want to, that is your own damn business.  But don’t you DARE waste any of your time or energy trying to convince me or make me believe that I shouldn’t love you.  Don’t you DARE try to belittle or even hint to me that I am not allowed to fully feel my feelings of love for you just because you believe so LITTLE in yourself!  I don’t care if you hate yourself, you do NOT get to tell me that I don’t love you because of your OWN BULLSHIT!

There is nothing you can do about me loving you. :<

 Fire Lion

A Tale Of The Kitties And The Moon

Have you ever tried to get a cat (or any animal for that matter) to see or notice the moon in the sky?  It’s an exercise in futility.  They look at your finger, they look at the window, they may even look outside, but nothing you do can get them to see and comprehend this big white blob so plainly in the sky.  It is outside of their awareness and so to them it does not exist.

Even if they did look at it, they wouldn’t necessarily ponder it.  They wouldn’t think it was anything more than what it appeared to be.  It’s a flat light that moves across the sky.  A big fat so what?  Why are you making such a big deal out of something so ordinary?  Sometimes a flat light in the sky is just a flat light in the sky, it doesn’t always have to mean something deeper.

God, humans!  Making things so much more complex than they really are.  {kitty eye roll}

kitty rainbow

What would happen to little kitty’s head if he knew what it really was?  It would probably explode because it goes too far beyond his current comprehension.  He would have to slowly build up to that realization by starting off with something much more common and at his level.  He would have to be led slowly and patiently step by step to help his mind connect from where it is now, to where it needs to be in order for the Truth about that white light in the sky to make any kind of sense to him.

Really, his head wouldn’t explode.  He just wouldn’t believe it.  If he’s stubborn enough and not open to learning or is too afraid, he may even deny it and fight against that ideology to the end of his days.  Grumpy cat.  Hell, he might even start a war over it.  Little kitty sized tanks with little kitty sized helmets.  Setting catnip ambushes.

Catnip High

Or maybe he would tell anyone who believed differently than him, that they’re an idiot or gullible and would believe anything.  He might come to the wrong conclusion and then normalize it.  “It’s just a goddamn hole in the sky, and everybody needs to get over it!”  Maybe one day he gets curious and secretly starts investigating it and becomes one of the kitty conspiracy theorists who is weighing the alternative and less popular belief that the moon is made of cheese and is actually the Overlord of the mice who are waiting for the right time to rise up and take down the kitties.

people need me

Now imagine, as humans, watching all of this unfold.  Just sitting on the sidelines with our buckets of popcorn.  We know what it is.  We even *tried* to tell the kitties what it was.  But did they listen?  Noooo, they knew better.

Some of the kittens believe us.  They know.  They are still open to things greater and bigger than themselves and so they’re able to stretch their awareness and imagination wide enough to allow for the moon to be what it is and not try to make it less or different than what it is.  They think grown up kitties are just playing a big game and pretending to not know what the moon is.  Adult kitties are so silly and the kittens make promises to each other that they won’t be like that when they get older.

cat moon

How hard would it be for an adult kitty to convince one of us that the moon is only a flat light in the sky and nothing more?  How long would it take for the kitty to break down at our “stubbornness” and refusal to see it his way?  How long before he would start throwing insults like we’re just being close-minded and think we know it all?  Telling us we think we’re SOOOO special.  Telling us that nobody really knows the answer and therefore we’re all at the same level and playing field.  We’re all the same.  We’re all equal.  He knows just as much as us.

o.O

To us humans, the accusations and ranting wouldn’t even make sense.  You can’t argue it because it’s nothing to do with the reality of the situation.  A human baby is not any less than a human adult, but that doesn’t mean that you make the human baby apply to college and start a job right out of the womb for crying out loud.  They are not the same.  They are not equal no matter how much kitty wants them to be.  There is nothing wrong with not being equal.  That is not the fundamental issue, but how do you bridge that understanding between the humans and kitties?

Sophisticated kitty

So kitty takes our stunned ‘wtf silence’ as being right and goes around being all Superior Kitty and does a lot of meow-yodeling at the other kitties about how smart he is and how he knows better.  {human eye roll}

What if you were the only human in a community of adult kitties for your whole life?  Would it be harder for them to convince you about their perception of the moon?  Would it be harder or easier for you to see the moon for what it really was?

And let’s say you did have a spark of inspiration and you just knew . . . knew with all your heart and soul what the moon really was.  Maybe because you could sense the other humans on the sidelines watching all of this (because by this point in kitty kingdom, the kitties have gone so far off the path of Truth and are so wrapped up in their own way of seeing things that they can’t even SEE the humans anymore.  Too caught up in Kitty Drama).

jealous-cat-memes

The (now) unseen humans keep shouting out the answer, and it’s silently pinging the part in you that is human.  A part of you that you didn’t initially even know existed because the kitties never talked about this feeling you got.  So sometimes you go off to be by yourself away from the kitties so that you can become more aware of this other part of you and it’s from becoming more in-tuned with this part of you that you got this bigger understanding about the moon.

How hard would it be to even just hold onto that thought, feeling, and knowing inside of you as you went about your day to day activities fully immersed in kitty culture, and everything within it echoing their perception and understanding about the moon which was completely counter to how the other part of you knew it to be?

Day after day of hearing their way, their way, their way, their way.  Year after year.  And you don’t want to be alone . . . you love your kitty family and kitty friends and you want to connect to them, be a part of their community and life.  And so it becomes easier to pretend that it really is the way they say (even if it means to ignore the part of you that knows otherwise) because you just want to be close to them.  You just want to love them.  You just want them to know that they are loved no matter what they believe.

jesus cat

But they take their beliefs so seriously, that their ability to love is as limited as their beliefs in bigger things existing, and so they can only love in the same limited way.  If you want to feel love how they know it to be, you have to make yourself as small and limited as their beliefs allow them to see, otherwise you are invisible to them.  They start to not recognize you.  They do not believe in you.  You might as well not exist.  Just like the real Moon.

I think that would make it extra hard.  Your choice comes down to believing what isn’t real or true and them loving you and feeling like you belong, or remembering the truth and what is real and becoming invisible and being misheard and so misunderstood that you have no choice but to be alone.

But let’s step this scenario up a notch.

Let’s say that the sideline humans had an idea.  What if some of them decided to dress up like kitties and become a part of the kitty community and see if there was any way to learn the Way of the Kitty, and then try to speak the Truth to the kitties by using their own language?  The only issue is that in order to be totally convincing, you had to go through a process in which you forget that you’re not really a kitty.  It would be up to you to remember once you got fully immersed into the kitty community.  How would that look?  A human dressed as a kitty who doesn’t remember initially himself that he *isn’t* a kitty.  That sounds like the makings of a novel called, “How Kitty Ended Up In The Padded Room At the Loony Bin.”

cat dragon

How would other kitties see you and those other pseudo-kitties?  Would you be diagnosed with kitty disorders?  Would you be in kitty special education classes for sucking ass at catching mice and purring.  Would you be in trouble all of the time for disappointing your kitty parents and kitty teachers for being so difficult and stubborn?  Would you feel like a retarded kitten?  Would you feel alone?  Would you feel worthless?  Like you failed at being kitty?  Would you wonder why you were ever born at all?  Would life seem too hard and like you didn’t get it?

Would you be waiting for other kitties to see your true worth?  Would you be waiting for them to tell you that you’re not *really* a kitty, but a human pretending to be a kitty and that that’s why things don’t make sense to you.

funny-cats-decoration-live-disguised

No.  You came to help them see the Truth of the Moon.  You can’t do your job if you get hung up on not being loved and understood by them.  You have to learn how to stand on your own without validation, support, or recognition from the kitties or anything outside of you.  You’re there for something bigger than yourself.

You don’t have the time or luxury to get hung up on things that don’t really hold any value because they’re just illusions that the kitty imaginations got caught up in like a massive tangled ball of yarn.

kitty string

Don’t get caught up yourself in debating all of the kitty theories about the moon because that’s not what you’re there for.  Learn about them, yes, but don’t get caught up in them like they are the truth or real.  Never lose perspective.  Just learn about them and what they believe then learn how to align, or connect, or bridge what they believe to what is real and true.

Help build the steps between the two, but if you start to believe what they do, you may become just as stuck and limited as them.  And some of the kitties don’t want to see the Truth.  That’s none of your business.

wakup die

You’re only there to help the ones that are willing and wanting to.  Trying to convince the ones that don’t want to know the truth, is exactly the route and path to getting caught up in that ball of yarn yourself and forgetting why you’re there in the first place.

So if a kitty tries to convince you that there’s nothing special about the Moon, just remember within yourself that sometimes a flat light in the sky, is much more than just a flat light in the sky.

 snapping cats

In My Search For Peace

I’ve been sitting at my new dining table, working on a puzzle.  I should be going to bed.  As I’ve been piecing together the Geishas in my puzzle, I’ve been thinking, wondering about my life.

The dance poses of Geisha have always stirred something in my soul.  Even as I sit still and silent and stare at the artistic images of them in the quiet of my home, I can feel my soul mimicking and moving in a slow and understated grace.  My soul understands something about them that I do not.  It remembers something that I do not.

I feel for them what an adult might feel for their childhood, if it was a happy one.  An ache in the heart for something that can’t be brought back.  Homesickness for a lost home.

Just me and ghosts of geishas conversing in silence.

I was wondering with them why it’s been so long since I’ve felt truly inspired in my writing.  Why I’ve stopped feeling any satisfaction from it.

It feels like I write to a black void.

I share because it is my nature to.  Even if I was the last human on Earth, I would feel compelled to communicate and share.

I’m not entirely sure how much different it would feel to me if I was the last human on Earth.  As it is, I’ve long since resorted to communing with the trees . . . the wind . . . clouds . . . animals . . . even bugs (if only to respectfully ask them to respect my space and leave . . . which they do).

I know people have tried to hear and understand me.  I don’t mean to dismiss or invalidate others in my life.  They are doing their best, I know.  I love them.

But I’ve felt more seen, and known, and loved by clouds that were passing by, than I have by another human.  The trees have time for me and listen with open hearts.  They are not defensive or caught up in looking good or being right.

The wind is honest in it’s expression.  It has no reason to cover up or hide.

I’m not saying that people don’t care for me, I know that’s not true, they care for me in the only way they know how.  But in comparison with what it’s like to commune with nature, humans are so disconnected from themselves.  How could I possibly expect humans to see me when they aren’t even aware that they can’t see themselves.

They are wrapped in hurt, pain, conditioning and they try to label it as “being themselves” . . . but it is not who they really are.

People seemed to have lost the ability to discern when someone is speaking from the heart and when someone is merely mimicking someone who is speaking from the heart.  They all get thrown into the same cauldron and treated the same.  It’s a shame.

I don’t feel like there is anything I could share of myself that would make any difference in the world or even be heard above all of the noise.

I know I have great value, but I do not feel valuable to this world.

I also know that greater peace comes to me when I am able to accept people and the world just as it is, and stop thinking that I have any role to play in helping others find their way.  People will find their own way without my help, just as they have from the dawn of time.

I am content enough in my connection to life.  Who knows, maybe even more happy than the happiest humans pretend to be.

flower power

This Light Inside Of Me Is Mine. There Are Many Like It, But This One Is Mine.

Omg, where did I go?  It’s like I fell off the face of the Earth these last couple of months.  This was the first time since I started actively writing on this blog, that I skipped an entire month without posting.  Sorry, November 2014, you don’t get a place of your own in my archive list.  {A moment of silence 😦 }

Now, that’s not to say I didn’t think of you guys, I most certainly did.  This place has come to feel like a favorite hangout of mine, and my readers are like all of the cool random people that I run into while at my hangout.

But regardless of whether you’re an extrovert or introvert, highly sensitive or . . . I don’t know . . . what’s the opposite of that?  Insensitive?  {shoulder shrug},  we all have those times in our lives when things get so intense, we have to kind of withdraw from our usual activities in order to take care of business.  And so it was for me.

Are things now less intense for me?  Not even close.  But there’s no sign of it slowing down, and so I’ve shifted my focus from trying to ‘survive’ it, to pushing myself to the next level and owning it.  This isn’t about ‘why me, god?! why me!?’, it’s about, “Hey Jenn.  You have a ton of untapped potential.  But for some reason, you can’t seem to push yourself enough to be motivated to really get in there, so we’re going to do you a little favor and apply some much needed pressure and challenge so that you are forced to bring your A-Game to life.”

And bravo life, because it’s working.

This last Friday, however, I felt like the universe finally threw me a bone.  “Here’s a gold star for your insane efforts these last months, just so you don’t completely give up as we continue to dump truckloads of ‘WTF?’ on your head.”

Things have been so intense, that I had forgotten that Facebook even existed, but on Friday I suddenly felt the need to check it.  I saw that I had a new friend request from someone I knew years ago.  Plus, an added bonus, it was someone I liked.  So I accepted the request, and then suddenly she was messaging me.  She was so excited to have found me, which I have to say, there’s no feeling quite like someone being so gosh durn happy to have gotten in touch with you.

But it gets even better.

About 5 years ago, I had done an astrology reading for her.  Shortly after this, life called each of us away and we completely lost contact with each other.  Anyways, on Friday, she reminded me that I had said during the coming months of that time, she would meet the love of her life.  (I’m pretty sure I said she had the ‘potential’ of meeting the love of her life . . . I’m uber cautious like that).

The relationship she was just coming out of at the time had completely imploded in on itself, and oh so much ‘no no no no no’ was happening with it.  Now, I’m not the kind of person who will just tell people what I think they want to hear so that they don’t lose hope or give up.  In fact, I’d personally be thinking that a relationship was the last thing she needed, and if I remember correctly, she wasn’t interested herself.  But I do have a faint memory of seeing a coming transit in her chart that stood out so strong and bright, that despite the current situation feeling to the contrary. . . I shared with her what I saw.

Well . . . it turns out, that around the indicated time, she *did* meet someone.  4 1/2 years later, and they are still together and going strong.  She said she had been wanting to get ahold of me to tell me thank you for having opened her up to the possibility, that I had changed her life.

I sat in my seat stunned.  I remember my short stint of doing astrology readings for others.  I didn’t feel real confident in myself, and I didn’t feel like I was really helping anyone.  People would schedule a reading, I’d give it, and then that would be the end of it.  In fact, that basically describes my entire life.  I feel like I put so much into everything I do . . . then dead silence . . . and then that’s the end of that.

My natal Pluto on the Descendant is a real bastard, let me tell ya.  Just seeing the words I used above I can tell you that’s what is at play here.  “Dead Silence.”  No feedback.  No response.  I put myself out there over and over, and get no response or ping or reflection from others about myself.  It’s just me showing myself, and then that disappears into a black hole known as “Other”.

The Descendant is the Other in our lives.  Relationships.  It’s naturally ruled by Libra (and Venus).  Mine happens to also be ruled by Libra.  Relationships in our life are incredibly important because it’s the only way we really get to know ourselves separate from other people.  Aries, the Individual Self, is in natural opposition to Libra, the Other.  It’s the push and pull between these two, that helps us understand ourselves in relation to others and helps us further refine what we know about ourselves.

If a person were to go their whole life with no human interaction, they would be hard pressed to be able to understand who they were as an individual because there is no compare and contrast.  There is nothing to initiate the inner ‘I am this, I am not this’ dialogue.

I know that some of the point of how my natal chart is set up, is to learn to do things for me and because I want to, and not based on other’s response or lack of.  But that’s easier said than done.

Because there is nothing like putting your whole heart and soul into a project, and then when finished, all you hear is absolute silence coming from the audience, followed by the quiet shuffle as everyone gets up to leave the theater in an unenthused, quiet, and orderly fashion as if they had just been to a lecture on the benefits of using certain types of soil for the best lawn results.  It is so demoralizing.  It is incredibly hard to keep up self confidence and inspiration when you’re met with that time and time again.

Btw, that is also my Saturn in Leo in 5th, if you notice the theater verbiage and being ‘orderly’.  The words we use to describe things tell us so much more about the situation then we commonly realize.

Pluto is the Lord of the Underworld.  Death and Transformation.  It is the state a human can become even while alive.  They become zombie-like.  They lack life.  They are essentially dead.  They cannot be roused up out of their rut.  They are incapable of seeing or entertaining the idea of a world or existence outside of what they view as a cold and cruel world.  They’ve given up.  They are perpetual victims, never seeing their role in why situations in their life plays out like it does.  It’s always other people’s fault.  They become like broken records, repeating the same upset and depressing things over and over, year after year.  They will gladly take any life you have to give, but will have nothing to give in return because they don’t use what they are given to truly change their lives, only to sustain their current way of life.

That is what I face every day of my life with Pluto on the Descendant.  People who have lost their spirit, their will to live, and have let their light go out inside.  They have nothing in them to give back, and anything they try to do in order to give the appearance that they are giving back, is just dead and hollow.  Compliments don’t mean anything because they are not real or true, they are just what is done because they either want to appear as a good person or appear to have something to give so that people that are carrying light, don’t leave them.  They don’t want to be alone in the dark with no light, but they haven’t quite figured out that they need to do something to re-ignite their own light instead of trying to steal, capture, hold, possess, etc. someone else’s light as their own.

In order to re-ignite your light after you have let it go out, you have to go through an intense process of death and rebirth while alive (born again anyone?).  And if you can’t dig deep and find the strength in you to overcome that test, then you could die for real.  Or, you could live out the rest of your life as one of the walking dead who are never happy, but it’s not your fault because life is unfair, and focus all of your time promoting how hard you have it and how it never gets better, instead of putting that energy into making some real changes in your life.

So my light goes into these deep black holes, never to be seen again and never reflecting back to me the light I shine for them.  For the longest time, I have also seen myself as a black hole . . . the same as is reflected back to me by these walking dead others.  Because they have nothing to give back, and what they do is usually false or fake, I have a hard time trying to convince myself that I’m not that, without feeling deluded.

I do recognize how I can be capable of those same behaviors, especially when I get worn down enough and haven’t been taking good care of myself or enforcing boundaries between me and others like I should.  I know what it feels like to be the walking dead, because I have taken many unwilling journeys into the Underworld.

But the big difference between me and those others in my life so far, is that at some point, The Fighter . . . The Warrior in me, all of my Aries Rising, Venus, Mars, South Node . . . surfaces and I fight my way back into the light screaming like an Amazonian Banshee on Fire the entire way. (RAAAWWWWWR!)  I gain clarity.  I know who I am and who I am not.  I rise to the challenge, my swords blazing and cutting through the darkness and shadows.  I will not let the darkness put out my precious light for any reason or for any person.  I fight for my light, so that I do not become lost and self-absorbed.

There is a distinct difference between taking good care of yourself, protecting yourself, standing up for yourself . . . and only thinking about yourself and acting like you’re the only person on the planet with any problems.  One is to protect your own light from being stolen or letting it go out and becoming one of the dead . . . and the other is being one of the dead and taking light from others.

When I do get fired up and my Inner Warrior comes out, I have immense confidence and I definitely do not need anyone’s approval or feedback.  But it’s no longer enough for me to just come out guns-a-blazing and mowing down everyone in my path, I must learn how to consistently hold this clarity of my individual self, even while interacting and being completely surrounded by these walking dead.  I think ideally, without so much bloodshed.

I’m not entirely sure that I knew what I was signing up for when I came down here.  There’s a good reason we are made to forget, until we are strong enough to remember.  It’s best that I didn’t know how hard it would be.

How hard it is to climb the stairs to a center stage, knowing that you must perform with your entire heart and soul for there to be any chance of impact at all, but also knowing that you will not be given a sign or any kind of indication of how your performance was viewed or received.  Just straight up faith and belief in yourself.  Even if you’re the only one in the whole wide world who believes in you, but . . . without getting defensive or closing your heart to that whole wide world.

Although . .  as I start to let that part of me show, my heart and soul (and in new experiences of what that even means), the universe rewards me with that rare treat of hearing that I had a real impact on a person’s life.  Friday was one of those rare moments, that followed quickly on the heals of me changing how I was interacting with others in my life.  Makes me feel like Pavlov’s dog.  “You rang the bell, you get a treat.”  It freaking works, I’ll tell you what.  Never do I feel so motivated to keep pushing through the dark, than when I start hitting definite markers that point to the most direct route out of the Underworld.

So if you happen to see a great big ball of flame whizzing by, screaming like the Furies, swords-a-flying, slicing a pathway through the dark, don’t be alarmed.  It’s just Jenn on her daily commute.

 sour fruit thieves

Tending To The Home Fire

I often find myself searching through websites and articles online, looking for something.  Listening to new song after new song.  Hoping the melody, words, or something sparks back memories of feelings that have gone missing.  Trying to remember what I’ve forgotten.  What I’ve hidden away in an effort to protect those tender parts of me.

I can’t stand any of the numbness in me anymore.

My hope is that others who still remember those things in themselves that I’ve forgotten, have found the strength and courage to share those things open-heartedly.

I know immediately when I’ve come across one of those pieces, whether it’s a single sentence, idea, or a haunting melody.  I feel an immediate relief in my tightened stomach and a very short, but cathartic cry.  Intense, humbling gratefulness.  The whole of my awareness pulses out Thank You.

It’s how we keep the Divine Fire alive here.

You’ve been hurt . . . you’ve forgotten a part of yourself.  It will be okay, I still remember this piece.  Let me soul sing it back to you until you remember again for yourself.

Whenever I’m walking my path through the dark, I can feel in very still moments, the heart songs of those in the Light.  Letting me know that they are holding the memories of who I really am in safekeeping, so that I won’t be lost forever.  That I am not forgotten.

I’ve been going through a lot internally as of late.  I became scared because everywhere I turned, I saw that people had gone into the dark.  I recognize the look in their eyes.  I recognize the look of being lost.  Of trying to pretend like everything’s okay.  Of not wanting to admit where they are.

I’m used to being the only one going through the dark, and nobody else understanding where I am.  I finally find and claw my way out, and then everyone else goes in?  Why am I always standing by myself no matter where I go?

I had to become very still and quiet in myself so that I could hear my heart again.

The thing about having spent my life in the dark, is that I’m not so scared there anymore.  No matter where I go, whether anxiety, rage, paranoia, terror, or even full out insanity . . . I consciously know where I am.  I know how to go in and out of those places.  I understand them intimately.

This helped me further open my eyes and see what’s taking place in my life and the opportunity it holds for my growth.

My feeling of being alone comes from shielding or protecting my heart.  I was feeling like I would have to do that while everyone else is in the dark so that they don’t pull me back into the dark with them.  People in the dark act very similar to drowning victims by nearly taking out the person trying to help them, in their panic to be helped.

But I know the dark for what it really is.  I know that I have no reason to be afraid while I’m in it.  But I’m usually alone in those feelings.  Listening to the other divas in the dark, they’d have me believe that I really should be afraid.  If I believe their intense fear over my heart, then the lights go out for me too.

This has happened to me so many times, that I’ve even come to know that place.  I’ve brought in an interior decorator to fix the place up because it’s been my home for so long, I figured I might as well make it comfy.

I know I’m not here by accident.  I wasn’t put in the dark to be punished.  In fact, knowing me, I most likely enthusiastically volunteered because I’m crazy like that.

So what if . . . instead of standing on the sidelines where it’s safe and yelling obscene inspirational quotes into the darkness . . . what if I was one of the ones who made the choice to go wholly into the darkness?  Go in and learn everything about it until I saw it for what it really was, ultimately losing my fear of it.

What happens when we lose our fear?  Our hearts open.

What happens when our hearts open?  The Light comes in.

What cannot survive the Light?  The Dark.

I can do that.  If it means not being alone anymore.  If it means giving others a spark of hope in the dark.  Then I can do that.

Dancy Quan

Living Large

We did it.  We finished moving.  After two months of planning, packing, moving, and cleaning, I finally got to turn in the keys to my old apartment on Saturday afternoon.

This has been a mega project that has absorbed much of my focus and attention, along with a new job that I started at the same time.  I was at that apartment complex for a total of 5 years and I was at my previous job for 5 1/2 years.  Within a two month period, a great deal of my life has completely changed.

It’s not easy making changes that big.  It disrupts routine.  It rocks me out of ruts and pushes me to deal with things I didn’t even know I was avoiding.  I used it as an opportunity to go through E V E R Y T H I N G and purge, purge, purge.  I came across things I had all but forgotten about.  It brought long forgotten memories, dreams . . . even nightmares . . . back to the surface to be seen and dealt with.

I had forgotten I had been married until I came across the divorce papers.  That was back in 1996.  18 years ago.  I’ve been divorced for 18 years.  Wow.  That was so many lifetimes ago for me.

Sometimes when I have moments like that, where I’m suddenly transported to a much younger version of me, I find myself wanting to reach out to the younger me and give her a hug.  Knowing the path that lie before her, I feel like it’s what she could use most.  In that hug I am saying, “You’re going to make it.  It’s going to be okay.  Just keep believing and don’t give up on yourself.”

Not in a “cheer up kid” kind of way, but in a very deep heartfelt sorrowful “I’m sorry that I can’t tell you that it’s going to be easy, but it’s how it needs to happen” kind of way.

I remember one time, not long after my divorce, when I had been renting a room out of a home that was running a daycare in it.  (I don’t care how good the deal sounds, don’t EVER rent a room from a house running a daycare. Run.  Run as far away from it as possible.)  I made too much money to qualify for any state assistance (something like $50/month too much), but I most certainly did NOT make enough money to pay for childcare, rent, food, gas, car payment/insurance, etc.  I basically worked, so that I could afford to go to work.

I was at a very low point in my life.  A nonstop series of traumatic events kept hitting me like tsunamis, each one becoming harder and harder to recover from.  I was exhausted, under-fed, and under-nourished.  I didn’t have a support network or any friends to go to.  I couldn’t think clearly.  I always felt weak.  But I had a young toddler who was looking to me for care and love.  So I kept pushing myself forward.

On this particular day, I was at the end of my ever-loving rope.  I had $5 to my name.  We were out of food.  My son was unhappily in a stroller.  I walked slowly up and down the aisles of the grocery store, starving.  I was trying to decide what would be the best way to spend that $5.  What would give us the most food that would last the longest, but also make us feel full.

I was so exhausted I could barely put one foot in front of the other.  My son was squirming and starting to get vocal in his stroller.  There was another woman with a kid somewhere else in the store, and that child was having an outright temper tantrum.  My raw nerves couldn’t handle the screaming.   I stopped.  I thought to myself, “I can’t do this.”  I just stood there silent in the bread aisle staring straight ahead.  Something in me gave out.

My vision began to get blurry as huge crocodile tears poured down my face.  I wasn’t making any facial expression, I wasn’t crying in any way that I understood crying to be.  My facial expression, in fact my entire body, was absolutely still except for the tears coming down.

I gave up trying.  I couldn’t see the point of this existence or of fighting this hard just to barely survive from moment to moment.  I didn’t have any answers, any solutions.  My body, mind, and soul had been pushed to the limits for far too long.  I didn’t know what was going to happen, I didn’t know how this was going to solve my problems.  All I knew, is that I didn’t have anything left in me to give.  Not one more step.

I also didn’t care anymore what happened.  I didn’t care if they hauled me away to a mental ward.  I didn’t care what anyone or anything threatened me with, I didn’t have anything left in me to move or care about anything.  I was willing to accept the consequences of whatever happened by me deciding never to move again.  Being absolutely still, was all I could do.  The tears were acting on their own, I simply didn’t have the energy to stop them.

So there I stood for many minutes, feeling like I was on the best vacation from life I had ever happened upon, when something incredible occurred.  A woman who seemed to me like she had appeared from nowhere, gently placed her hand on my shoulder and told me in the most loving and kindest of tones that she had once been where I was, and she wanted me to know that things would be okay, even if it didn’t feel that way right now.

That gesture of such a real and true kindness from a stranger, clicked something back on in me.  I felt myself come back into life.  I looked around.  Suddenly feeling more life in me than I had in awhile, I quickly walked up and down the empty (and now quiet) aisles trying to find the woman to say thank you, but I never did find her.  I was openly crying now, facial expressions and all.  I didn’t care what anyone thought, I was just so grateful for what had been given to me.

I suddenly knew exactly how I needed to spend the $5, and I did so confidently.  I had renewed faith in life and in my ability to overcome.  This was all just temporary.  This wasn’t the whole of my existence.  I had overcome far worse in my life before and I could do it again.  I’ve always found a way through life’s challenges, and I would continue to do so because I wasn’t going to let hard times get the best of me.  There is always, always a way out, around, or through obstacles.  Always.  I would not give up.  I would not let myself or my son down in life.

That woman saved my life.  It didn’t take money or anything of a material nature.  She didn’t do it by lecturing or judging me for being such a young mom (which I got plenty of on a daily basis from all kinds of supposed loving, church-going people . . . which is exhausting and not helpful at all).

What this woman had done that was different from all of the well-intentioned mouthpieces that go around parroting loving and inspirational phrases, was that she offered the words she said to me with a truly open and unguarded heart.  She selflessly gave of her heart to an absolute stranger standing frozen in the middle of a bread aisle.  She had nothing to gain from it.  She said it with absolutely no ego involved.

That’s all I had needed.  Something real.  Something true.  That stranger showed me in that one moment, more true heart and care than I had been able to find in all of the people in my life at that time.  That’s how starved I was for it, and how little it took for me to be willing to give life another try.  To continue to give of my own heart to others again.

With this move and new job, I’ve again been having my limits challenged.  There’s something about being pushed beyond my limits that helps me reset my priorities again.  Helps me regain proper perspective on life.  I go back to that moment in the bread aisle.  I am reminded of how rarely people truly give of their heart.  How even in their “lovingness” they are just as closed off and isolated from one another as the “cold-hearted” of us.  Simply saying loving things, doesn’t make you loving.  Simply going through the motions of being a “good” person, doesn’t mean you’re “good”.

We’ve been conditioned since childhood to see the world through the lens of certain behaviors and actions dictating whether you are a good person or a bad person.  If you ignore someone you are bad.  If you bring them pumpkin bread when they’re sick, you’re good.  Those are all superficial things.  Just because you can put a good show on the outside, doesn’t mean you’re a good person.  Just because you can’t hide the hurt in you and you act out, doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.

We’ve got it all wrong.  All of that is superficial judgment.  It’s both more simple and more complex than that.

It’s more simple in that, anything done with an open heart . . . is “good”.  Anything done with a closed heart is “bad”.  That’s only if you’re needing or wishing to slap labels on things such as good or bad.

It’s more complex in that, it means you can’t judge someone or a situation based on what is being shown or by a set list of characteristics of what it means to be good or bad.  The only way you’re actually able to know or discern the difference between whether the actions of a person is of one persuasion or the other, is when your own heart is open.  Until then, you will struggle to see clearly who is truly in the right and wrong.  You will more easily be persuaded by those who have the gift of gab and can spin a good story, and/or you won’t be able to see past your own projection onto others.

The irony is that when you’re truly coming from an open heart, you realize how absolutely pointless and futile judging others truly is.  That it’s when you can see things for what they really are, that you no longer feel the want or need to judge others.

Speaking for myself personally, when I hit those moments where my heart truly opens and my guard is completely dropped, that what comes forward in me is an incredible love and sorrow.

When a person can see through everyone’s mask, how could they feel anything but incredible love and sorrow?

When you can see how they hurt inside.  That life has broken their heart in some way and they are just trying to make the best of it that they can.  When you can see how alone they feel.  The loneliness and heartbreak I see hiding in people’s eyes as they go about their day, pretending like they’re fine . . . is heartbreaking and painful to see in another.  I feel overwhelmingly heartbreaking sorrow and actual physical pain in my heart.  The things we argue over and fight about are so pointless and miniscule in the big scheme of things.  So trivial and meaningless in the face of real love.

But it doesn’t bring me to my knees in helplessness, hopelessness, and powerlessness.  I don’t feel anger, anymore, about how unfair and unnecessary it is for the world to suffer in the way that it does.

Instead, I feel a great weight fall away from me.  My guard, my defense, my mask.  I feel my pride disintegrate.  I feel my judgment and need to be in the right dissipate.  Something bigger than me, unfolds and expands from deep within, a feeling that I refer to as ‘opening my big momma heart’.  All of these feelings combined, I refer to as “forgiveness” and “letting go”.  I stop feeling the need to try and make anyone or anything be or do anything other than what they are.  I let them be, because I need all of my own attention to be focused on being who I am.

When everything that isn’t real has fallen away from me, I feel the overwhelming need to sing the heartbreaking love I feel for every human.  For the collective, yes, but more than that.  I feel it for every single human being as an individual.  This intense force of energy that barrels through me like a bull charging a red flag.  The passionate and sorrowful heartbreak that comes from witnessing a child needlessly suffering and hurting, but that there’s nothing you can do personally about it because it’s their life and their choice.

But you want to at least let them know that they’re not alone.  Soothe them with heartfelt sorrowful songs . . loving lullabies, that sing of their heartbreak and pain.  Letting them know that you’re there, that you are a witness to their pain and suffering.

And the love.  The endless open love I feel pouring through me.  It’s nothing to do with whether someone is deemed worthy of love or not based on whether they are following social protocol, simply existing is reason enough to be worthy of love.  Every being, every individual, is worthy of love.

People do things and act in ways that are not like themselves when they are hurt or in pain.  Have you ever seen how a mistreated or abused dog will lash out or try to bite when they become scared?  Has the dog become evil?  Does the dog no longer deserve to be given love?  Or is love, care, and patience what he needs more than ever?

It’s no different for people.

To judge anyone as “bad” is to cut yourself off from love and if it is severe and persistent enough, you will become the “bad” you are judging.  The more you try to recoil, shield, and protect yourself from the bad, the more you push yourself into the darkness.  The further into the darkness you go, the less light or consciousness you have.  The less light or consciousness you have, the more you go into denial and ignorance about what is really happening.  The more you go into denial and ignorance about what is really happening, the less control and power you feel you have over your life circumstances.  The less control and power you feel you have over your life and circumstances, the more you become either a victim or aggressor.  Being locked in either role of victim or aggressor, is to be locked in a perpetual prison of suffering and miserableness.

When you can see that victim and aggressor are both sides of the same coin, when you can see that neither one is the way out of your suffering . . . and you’ve actually reached a point of truly being done with suffering . . . only then can you begin the path towards true freedom.  It is a path of humbleness and true forgiveness.  A path of getting out of your own way.  Of letting go of pettiness.  Of uncovering who you really are versus what you’ve become in an effort to survive the moment your heart broke when you were a child and your innocence was lost.

The path to truly learning how to love again.

big duck

 

The Fire Within

Some days when I look out at the world around me, I see everyone as someone that I have to protect myself against.  On those days, my long time companion of anxiety is along for the ride.  It’s hard to breathe.  It’s cold, lonely, and exhausting.  It’s harder for me to remember a time when life was good.  Small things start to feel like huge catastrophes.

On those days I feel like a big screw up in life.  I wonder what the point of me is.  I wonder why people tolerate me.  I feel invisible to the world.  I don’t feel like I matter, and I don’t feel like I am making any difference by being here.  I feel like I should be apologizing to each person I come in contact with, for not being more.  Not from a place of self pity, but from a lack of seeing it any other way.  On those days, that is just what is for me.

On those days I am usually quiet and pulled inward.  Contemplative.  I don’t want to make contact or communicate with another human.  I have a need to be quiet.  Re-charging.

On those days I make it okay to not be social.  I make it okay for others to misunderstand my actions.  I make it okay to not have to be immediately responsive.

Because I need to be still.  So still.  And quiet.  So quiet.

I have to let everything that’s been up and flailing it’s arms inside of me, to tire out and settle down.  Sometimes it can take awhile and the only thing that works, is for the *main* me to be so incredibly still . . . and . . . quiet.

Just like a rowdy classroom where the teacher is able to silence the entire room simply by standing there in a strong and silent presence.  A silence so powerful and strong that it cuts through the noise like a knife.

It reconnects the little girl me, who sometimes gets herself worked up into a froth, back to the big girl me who knows what is needed and what is best.

There are the days when the storm is quelled within.  Where I let go of the darkness that I wrap around me like a security blanket, where a completely different world is found on the other side, begging to be explored.

On these days, I must be expressive.  I can’t be quiet and I can’t be still.  I feel bigger and expanded.  Something in me swings open the shutters to let the warm summer breeze through to play.  From my core a silent song pulsing outward commands me to sing and be in movement.  Forcing me into a state of perpetually falling in love, warming and coloring the world around me.

I feel I have so much in me to give that my greatest desire becomes sharing all that I have freely with all.  I want to sing everything I say.  I want to dance in twirls and swirls on tiptoes as I sing out my heart.

It’s such a force of nature, it causes incredible physical pain to restrain it in any way.  It must be expressed.  It must be allowed entry into this world.

But I’ve always been such a serious little thing.  You would never catch me doing anything to bring attention to myself.  Wanting to join in on the reindeer games, but not knowing how to do it in the way that I feel flowing through me.  What comes out of me doesn’t look anything like what I see around me, so I know it will attract attention that I don’t want.  It makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong.

My differences from others has scared me so much that I’ve used all of my will power to keep this part of me still and silent under the surface.  Making me appear serious.  Making me known for being serious, intense, and stubborn.  I’m far from serious.  I’m just trying to keep any of my uniqueness from showing.  I have always been in the state of mind that others are dependent on me, so that means I can’t take any chances or risks that might endanger my ability to provide for them.

I’ve paid the price of not allowing that energy to have an outlet for expression, with my health.  I’ve lived with severe anxiety since I was 14.  Deep soul crushing depression from my teens through my 20s.  I know what true insanity feels like.  Not the kind people joke about when they’re being a little strange or are under temporary stress.

My life was a continual living hell.  I soldiered through.  I didn’t complain.  I didn’t reach out for help.  I put on a brave face.  I felt like I was dying every single day.  That was all I had ever known.

I continued this way until my late twenties, when something in me broke furreals.  I went down into the darkest depths of hell a person can imagine, and swam around in those waters for years waiting for someone to show me the way.  Nobody ever showed up.  Things continued to break in me, each one deeper than the one before.  Down into depths I previously didn’t know existed.

Down and down I went into the rabbit hole.

Until everything I thought was real and everything I thought was me was ripped away and I was left alone at the very bottom of a deep dark well staring up into pitch black darkness.

More time passed.  Afraid.

Until I reached a point where I had nothing left to lose, and like a feather floating down to Earth the final wrapping I used to tie myself small, fell away.

I lifted myself back up from the ground.  I closed my eyes . . . took a deep breath, and for the first time in a long time I could hear my internal soul song.

Having gone far beyond fear and terror, I extended my arms and the dance of Life that I had squelched tight in fear for so long, once again found it’s way into the World.  With it came a love so deep and profound, anything petty and unimportant was instantly burned away. . . anything that wasn’t real and true went up in flame.

Once the fire purified the path, then . . . then the Joy began to pour through.  Pure Ecstatic Joy that flowed through every vein of my body like warmed golden honey.  Everything in me opened up and became Radiated Light.  The world around me transformed into the Golden World and sparkled with Divinity’s Love and Consciousness.

Tired of fighting against it, I finally surrendered to all of who I was.

If I only had one message to give from all of this, it would be this.  Nothing is worth the hidden price you pay for denying your True Self entrance into the world.  Nothing.

The Fire Within