A Side Less Seen

Typically I only show or share my more upbeat and optimistic self, or sometimes my angry I’m not going to take anymore garbage self.  It’s for good reason that I don’t typically share the side of me that I do in this video, but I don’t want to hide her anymore because she’s a gigantic part of me.  I usually disappear from public view when this part of me is on the surface, but that makes me feel alone, so I’m going to try a different way.  I’m going to share her with you too.

I have always felt this deep hurt and sorrow in me, and it gets worse as the conditions on Earth get worse.  It’s always been present in me.  It’s not depression, I’ve had that . . . that is another animal completely.  I have found that I go into depression when I don’t acknowledge this other deeper part of me.  I also feel that it is an appropriate feeling and response to what is going on everywhere.  Sure, I could numb or block it all out, but that would numb and block out my joy as well.

Also, while I’m always feeling it in me, it isn’t always quite so close to the surface.  But when it does well up, I’ve learned to move out of the way and let it happen.

So here’s another video.  And on it I mention my son coming over, but plans got cancelled, which is alright.  I stopped at the craft store earlier and have origami and coloring books to keep me having fun.  Oh!  And I also got to pick up my flute from the music shop today since the repairs were done.  So all is well.  🙂

How The Internet Going Out Changed My Life

Do you ever have one of those days where you just *know* that fate had a hand in the events that played out?  It’s been awhile since I’ve felt that, but today was one of those days.

It was more than just the unlikely sequence of events that took place that left me feeling like that.  Preposterous things in general have a way of showing up in my life, so that’s not enough to make me raise an eyebrow.  No.  These events had a little something extra added to them.  Each one increasing the presence of that extra feeling that if I had to put words to it, might say something like, “Pay extra attention . . . magic is afoot . . . something bigger is unfolding.”

So my internet went out again this last week.  This is the 3rd time in a month.  And when it goes out, it goes out for  d a y s.  I have to completely shift how I live life.  It is absolutely amazing to me how much I rely on it now, when 20 years ago, I had never heard of it.  But anyways, being ever the optimist I’m like, “Okay, well shit.  What to do now . . . ”

This alone is a micro-series of events that took place.  It involves a whole weekend of meeting up with different friends and going to the movies and coffee shops, another weekend of inviting my son over for dinner and board games (yahtzee . . . lots of yahtzee), going to a used bookstore and finding 5 book gems that I couldn’t wait to get home and read.  It involved even more inner reflection than usual (I had nothing else to do while I stared into blank nothingness as I ate my dinner.)

So all of that led to my most recent post about all of my thinking about ‘art’.  After writing that post, the thought stream didn’t end there, it continued on the next day (usually writing about something will satisfy whatever is going on in my head and proceed to leave me alone . . . but not so here).  In that post, I had brought up my flute playing from when I was younger.  It started to haunt me.

I had completely forgotten about the musician in me.  I’ve been a mom and business analyst for so long, it completely escaped my mind that this wasn’t all I used to be.  In fact, I was so into my music in school, I fully intended to major in Music.  I was going to make it my life.  I remembered asking my mom what kind of things they have a person do to get a Ph.D in music, and she said they do things like give you an unfinished score from Mozart or one of the greats and ask you to finish it.  That scared the living shit out of me, but I was like . . . I’ll do it.  That’s how I knew that was my field.

As a little girl I had wanted to be many things and I could never make up my mind.  I wanted to be a archeologist and dig in dirt and find old things.  I wanted to be an astrophysicist and study the universe.  I wanted to be a teacher, but mostly because I wanted the summers off.  When I thought of trying to deal with 30+ kids at once, I decided that wasn’t the job for me.  I would look into what it took to be all of these things I wanted to be, and more often than not I’d see the requirements and make a scrunched up face and say . . . uh . . no.

But music . . . I was willing to go through hell and back for music.

It’s just that one day in high school I kind of hit a wall.  I had reached an incredible level of playing ability with my flute, but I just couldn’t get it to the next level.  Something in me was missing.  Something wasn’t gelling in me.  I would practice for endless hours.  My sophomore year in high school, I had a tutor who had played in the Seattle Symphony.  The first time she spoke on the phone with my mother (to arrange the lessons) and upon hearing that I wanted to go into music as a career, the tutor let my mom know that the music field is ruthless and you have to give everything you’ve got to make it in that industry and that she always encouraged her students to get a degree in some sort of science first as a backup.  She always recommended it.

Then I went to my first lesson with her.  To gauge my skill she pulled out a couple of music books and had me sight read a couple of pieces.  Saying nothing she went to her extensive music library and pulled out some more books.  This.  Now play this.  That was the entire lesson, me playing one thing after another.  Then she gave me my homework of what to study for my next lesson, and then I started to walk home.

By the time I returned home, the tutor had already called my mother.  She called simply to say, “If she wants to do music, then let her do it.  She’s got what it takes to make it.”

I honestly don’t know what I had done to impress her, but at my next lesson there was talk of traveling to Paris and competing there and . . . and . . .

That’s when I hit the wall.  I suddenly could go no further.  Something in me completely locked up and froze.  As I said before, something in me was missing.  I didn’t know what it was then . . . but I know what it is now.  It took me over 20 years of life experience and of completely walking away from music and everything I loved, in order to gain that missing something in me.  I know without a doubt that I would not have made it very much further without the experience and knowledge I’ve gained from the last couple of decades.  It would have been futile.  I would have been banging my head against a wall and I don’t think things would’ve ended well for me if I had forced it anyways.

So all of this was coming back to me.  Music.  My first love in life.  I’m not just a mom or an analyst.  I am a musician.  Even just saying it out loud brought me such peace . . . and tears.  It wasn’t just remembering I was a musician, it was allowing that feeling and reality back into my awareness.  It’s been in my peripheral for so long I had become blind to it.  I spoke about it, I’ve even tried over the years to try and play instruments again . . . but it just wasn’t time yet and so it floated in and out of my life over the years like the tide.  But this time something different is happening.

And then came today.  I woke up again with that feeling of waking from a dream and remembering, “I am a musician.” with an underline feeling of excitement.  It was like saying to myself, “I won the lottery.”  I had stopped at the music store yesterday to get a silver polishing cloth because I was going to clean my flute up all nice and pretty.  I was looking forward to beginning the process of reacquainting myself with my dear old friend.  This flute has been with me for 20+ years.  I first picked up a flute 26 years ago.  Just the act of cleaning it brought me back to all those years ago.

I was checking everything on it and I saw that the cork in the head joint was most likely going to need to be replaced.  The position it was in meant that there was nothing I could do to make my flute be in tune.  I cannot play an out of tune flute.  It’s against Jenn Law.  But no matter, the music store is just a stone’s throw from my apartment.  Which was good because the internet technician was supposed to come to fix the internet, and I had been given a time frame of 8am-6pm.  So I couldn’t go too far.

I got to the music store and turned in my flute to the repair shop.  However, I wanted to play an instrument so bad, I walked over to the display case where all of the really nice flutes for sell were.  I started trying them out and proceeded to fall in love with one in particular, and so I was like screw it, I’ll buy it.  You can never have enough silver flutes I always say.

But I needed to move some money from my savings account.  I asked for them to hold it while I went home to take care of the financial part of it . . . but then I remembered I had no internet and so I decided to (finally) download the bank app for my bank and sign up on my mobile so I could transfer funds there.

It was while I was in the middle of this that the extra feeling started to make itself known to me.  Something in the background of my senses was flagging me down.  I had somehow gone from internet not working to standing in a music store trying to transfer funds for a 2nd flute.  Also I was wondering if this was my version of having a mid-life crisis.  Instead of a Corvette or Porsche, I was going to own a variety of impossibly expensive flutes.

I entered the information in the app to identify myself and the app said, “Uh, sorry but the shit you typed in doesn’t match the shit we have in our system.”  I figured I mistyped something, and so I did it all again . . . my debit card number . . . my pin . . . last 4 of my SSN.  Nope.  So I did it again.  “Not only nope, but now we’ve locked your ass out of the system . . . call this number.”  So I called, and the woman was looking stuff up and then she asked for the last 4 numbers of my debit card.  I gave it and then she said, “Oh . . . that’s what is wrong.”  And then dead awkward silence.

So what happened, is that my account was a part of *something* (she didn’t say what) that could have compromised my account information and so they had sent me a new debit card with a new number.  The *something* happened on April 1st and they sent the card with explanation on April 2nd.  Sooo I can’t do anything online, only in person transactions.

And you know what?  I wasn’t even mad.  I was glad they were on top of their shit and protected me, and also . . . this was the moment that the feeling became clear to me that something was going on that was out of the ordinary . . . I was being led to something specific.  Life had a game plan unfolding and was in the process of herding me towards it.  So I explained it to the people and they were totally happy to hold the flute until my new debit card came and I was ready to continue on my day.

Except the whole “I am a musician” thing.  I was stoked for two days to get to play my flute today and now my one is in the shop and it was suddenly not made possible for me to get a 2nd one.  However . . . a couple of years ago I went through one of my momentary moods of attempting to get back into music and had gone to rent a violin . . . which I paid off completely a year ago shortly after my Raven Kitty girl died.  I’ve had it for 2 years . . . and I have never even pulled it out of the case.

I had wanted to sink my teeth into something I already knew how to do.  Get the taste of it back into my system and *then* attempt to learn a new instrument.  And yet everything had coalesced into a situation in which I was completely set to play a musical instrument . . . and yet my known instrument was suddenly yanked out from under me, leaving me only one choice.

I came home with the recommended books for starting out on violin.  By this point, the feeling of *destiny* was very much in the air and in my veins.  Violin was actually the first instrument I had ever played.  I played for a year in 4th grade but then moved to a place that only had bands and no orchestras . . . and so started my journey with the flute.  But violin . . . oh . . . where do I even begin.  Nothing . . . and I mean nothing speaks to me like a haunting gypsy melody played on the violin.  Or like the part in the song “Devil Goes Down To Georgia” (if you’ve never heard it a) have you been living under a rock your whole life? b) go to youtube and listen to it. now.)

I want to be playing *that* already, not being a new student on an instrument . . . but then again, the universe really has put itself out there to arrange this . . . so . . .

So I read the intro and everything to the Suzuki Method book.  It’s the very same book I used when learning the violin as a little girl.  The intro is surprisingly . . . well . . . meaningful.  Suzuki isn’t messing around.  He goes all meta like I do, “Education begins the day a child is born.  As an infant’s body grows day by day, its powerful life-force absorbs all the stimuli it receives externally, developing in the process of acquiring ability.  Without stimulus to the life-force, there will be no development in the child.  Under conditions of neglect, nothing and no one can grow.”

Holy shit Mr Suzuki-san.  Is this volume 1 of learning violin or the answers to the universe?  I love you crazy violin person.  Actually, this is very indicative of the Japanese culture and something I feel and know (remember) intrinsically in me.  I understand this level of crazy, so I was all in by this point, but still I was touched further when I read this sentence, “The violin is a medium for cultivating human character, ability, and heart.”

In fact, I had to take a moment’s pause to let some heart felt tears make their way out.  The accumulation of all of this was really getting to me.

I can imagine it would be like an amputee suddenly growing their limb back.  Losing the limb . . . going 20+ years coming to peace with it . . . and then it magically starting to grow back.  There’s a mix of disorientation, nostalgia, relief, . . . and . . . a larger understanding of life.

But still . . . I was having a hard time getting myself to pull the violin out of the case.  What is it?  What was stopping me?  I kept reading through the instruction books.  Proper stance, proper way to hold the bow.  How to tune, proper maintenance of the violin.  How to apply rosin . . . the name of the strings.  The instructions in French, German, & Spanish.

Something in me was wondering what the point was.  I’m not that 17 year old girl anymore.  There’s no plans to take the world by storm with my extraordinary musical talents.  There’s no audience waiting for me.  Come Monday morning I’m still going to be getting up to get ready to go to work . . . so what good does this do me?  What’s the point?  How could this make any difference in my life, I mean really?

Then I had a feeling flashback, going back to when I would spend 5 or more hours a day practicing my flute.  It brought solace to me.  In a world gone wrong, it made me feel okay again.  As I strengthened my flute skills, my body and emotions became strengthened and I could withstand the hardships in life much easier.  Being a musician is something that is for me.

So at last I reached a point where I pulled the violin out.  I dusted it off with a soft cloth.  I tightened and rosined the bow.  It was time to start tuning the strings.  I took a deep breath and drew the bow across one of the strings . . . and it rung out deep and strong.  I felt the power of the sound of the violin vibrate through my bow, my hand, and my heart.  In that moment, I understood why the universe had worked so hard to coerce and push me towards this.

There’s listening to a violin on recordings . . . in songs . . . from other people playing it.  I’ve enjoyed the violin immensely in this way.  It is an instrument that touches my soul in a way that nothing else comes close to.

But experiencing the violin as the one holding it and drawing the bow across the string myself was another thing entirely.  It is something I would willingly dedicate the rest of my life to learning.  It’s like it enables a doorway through which my soul is easily able to sing through.  This is something my heart has been searching and longing for . . . an outlet in which it can be fully expressed.  It’s like my heart was trapped in a prison and was banging on the walls, and then the stroke of the bow on a single string made the prison doors fly open and my heart could suddenly breathe the air of freedom.

Who needs an audience when the simple act of playing gives you something as valuable as that?

Today was the start of something new for me.  I went back to the music store and told them that there was no need to hold the 2nd flute for me, I had found what I was actually looking for.  They helped me pick out a few new things for my violin.  I requested to be put on a list to be contacted when they have a new violin teacher for lessons.

Something in me has settled down and is pleased that I’ve finally taken the first steps down this road.  In this I look forward to being a student.  I look forward to the whole journey, from learning how to properly hold the instrument to sassing it up with my devilish gypsy ways.

And yes, come Monday morning, I will get up to get ready for work just as I always do . . . but something new has started to blossom in my heart.  Something that I get to nurture and grow and care for, for the rest of my days.

Violin Awesomness

My Little Furry Care Provider

I was having a really silly dream right before I woke up this morning.  I was sleeping in bed (suspiciously in the same position I was sleeping in for real) when a butler came into my room with my breakfast.  (I think I’ve watched too much Downton Abbey in my life).  My breakfast was a bowl of sugar pops cereal, which I can’t even remember the last time I ate cereal, let alone sugar pops.

I was trying to wake myself up enough so that he knew he could leave, but I wasn’t fooling anyone.  I started talking about some joke that included me teaching French.  I don’t actually know French so my joke was being done in English with a French accent.  Realizing that I wasn’t actually speaking French, the conversation shifted into how much funnier it would be if I taught a class in how to speak French accented English.

I thought I was being a riot.  I could not figure out how the butler was keeping a straight face and patiently waiting for me to actually sit up to eat breakfast, with all of my shenanigans.  So finally I sat up, he handed me my bowl of sugar pops, which I was wondering how he kept them from getting all soggy in the milk and whether the next person the butler was going to, was going to have soggy cereal because of me taking so long to get up.

At this point I started to wake up for real, because I had a little black Gir kitty walking into my room meowing at me.  I was just as reluctant to wake up as in my dream.  At first I thought his motivation was him wanting food.  I knew his wet food dish was empty because I had given him chicken from the day before instead of his usual canned food.  But this cat has never been motivated by food, so I wasn’t completely convinced that that was the situation.

I’ve been slowly recovering from both of my ears and deeper sinuses being blocked for quite some time.  I don’t know how long it’s been going on, but it must have been for awhile.  All I know is that it was reaching a point where I was barely able to get any oxygen into myself.  I began the long process of reversing all of it.  It took a long time to get to that point and so it’s taking a long time to recover from it too.

Each step that I take helps remove a deeper layer.  This has been a process of weeks and weeks.  It’s been like chiseling away concrete using a needle, but I have made some incredible progress.  It’s getting easier to breathe, which in turn is making it easier for me to sleep at night, which in turn makes it easier for me to get through a day before I start hitting anxiety, which in turn puts me in a more overall pleasant mood.

With where I’m at in the process, a good portion of my body that has been basically frozen in survival mode, is starting to relax.  More feeling is starting to come back into me, and with that I’m noticing just how exhausted my body has been from all of this.  So I feel relief, I relax, and then I’m like holy shit I am tired!  I had absolutely no idea, how over time, my body had started to fight more and more for the little bit of oxygen I was letting into myself.  It’s that stupid conditioning thing, where something happens slowly and subtly enough over time, that you don’t realize it’s happening.

So this morning I was almost in a drunk state of relief and exhaustion.  “Omg it feels so good to be able to relax {slobber} I don’t want to get up ever again.”

That’s the state I was in when Mr. Gir came sauntering into my room.  I was too crashed to even get mad at all his racket.  I was able to just stay there in my body, all comfy, not really giving a fluff.  It felt so nice to not become unhinged by what he was doing and my temper coming out.  I laid there comfortably watching what he was doing.

He was putting a paw onto my bed (I’m on the floor), walking himself into my outstretched hand.  Talking and going on and rolling on the floor and knocking everything over.  He was being adorable.  I could see an earnest want or need for me to get up.  This cat was on a mission.

So finally I was ready to get up and I started my morning routine, which Gir knows so well he leads the way.  Into the living room, open the blinds.  Plug in the internet.  Off to the bathroom.  Into the kitchen.  As I willingly cooperated with Gir’s monumental efforts to get his human moving, I noticed a whole change in his demeanor.  He got a little bit of a bounce in his step.  He started to purr so loudly.  He looked so happy.

In my half asleep (but very relaxed) stupor, it hit me what was playing out.  He has found a way to contribute to his family unit.  He has found something that he is good at, and that is useful and helpful.  It’s not just humans that like to feel needed and useful.  It’s not just humans that need a purpose in life.  As all of this went through me, I looked at him with new eyes and became as clear as day.  It was written all over his little kitty face and in his expression.  “Look mommy, look I helped!”

It’s something that I was incapable of noticing before my health started to return to me.

When I got him his breakfast (and mine) and went to sit down in the living room, he came and chilled in the living room as well, looking all extra pleased with himself.  His motivation had not, in fact, been about his food.  He was just doing his self assigned job.  In his own little kitty way, he has shown me more care than many humans are capable of showing anymore.

The little dude cares whether I get out of bed or not.  It may be for his own reasons (which are the best reasons for doing something), and it may not be a conscious thought . . . but it doesn’t matter to me.  I know care when I experience it, and he’s providing genuine love and care.

As for my dream, I can see how the more my health returns to me, so does my humor and joking.  I stop being so super serious about everything . . . I become more playful.  I, in fact, do wake up out of bed saying stupid things that I think are hilarious even if nobody else thinks they are.  And the sugar pops cereal was obviously a reference to being a kid.  My inner child returning.

And no wonder the butler wasn’t laughing at my hilarious french jokes . . . I mean, he’s a cat for crying out loud.  It had nothing to do with how funny my jokes were.  😀

Gir

True To Form Is Our Guiding Star Home

I really needed that temper tantrum.  I needed to feel my fire once again.  Fire is a purifier.  It challenges.  It tests.  Trial by fire.

I then know where and how I’ve gone astray from my Self by what is hurting and burning in me in the aftermath.  It allows me the opportunity to become aware of it and face it, because only what is false will hurt and burn.

It makes it easier for me to see what is True and what’s okay to let go of.  I remember that I have nothing to truly be afraid of because what is Real and True cannot be destroyed or harmed ever.

Beyond this physical realm, beyond what our physical eyes can see, resides the True Form of everything you can see here (and even things that are not here . . . yet).  The more we’re in alignment with it, the more visible and real it becomes to us.  The more out of alignment we are with it, the more distant it becomes.

The longer we go out of alignment with it, the harder it becomes to believe in it’s existence.  It becomes stories passed down through time.  Stuff of myth and legend.  Fairytales.

The less we believe as individuals, the less we start to believe as a whole and the more disconnected and out of balance with nature we become.

All pain, hurt, suffering, diseases, and sickness stems from being out of alignment with our True Forms.

It comes from believing more in what is Not True than in the True Forms.

These True Forms, when struck or expressed, hum out in a single unique vibration.  It is the signature or “name” for that being.  It is how all other beings know it separately from all other beings.

At this level, the energetic signature that it vibrates and hums and expresses in unlimited ways, is not subjective.  It is recognized as it actually is by all, and not skewed by false perceptions.  There is nothing that anyone can say or do that will stop or change the True Forms from being what they are.  Nothing.

Not even our disbelief in them.  All that happens when we stop believing in them, is that we forget them.  (Not the other way around.)  We increase the distance between where we are and where we want to go.  We are all in various degrees of remembering and forgetting these True Forms.

That is where my allegiance is.  That is where I aim my Sagittarius Arrow and shoot towards.

When I become aware of parts of my True Form while in my current life, it is a non-negotiable, non-debatable part of me.  While yes, many people here may have any number of opinions about what they personally think about those parts of me, unless it matches the Truth of my True Form, their opinions and/or feelings are wrong.

Your Truth is universally recognized by all other Truths.  It is not a case of you are in Your Truth, but George over there in His Truth looks over at Your Truth and says, “Nah.”

My loved ones tend to scuba dive in their False Forms.  They can become so disconnected from their True Forms, they forget that their current False Form isn’t who they really are.  They become so filled with fear they close down and cut off or turn away from their connection to their Soul.  When you become anxiety-ridden and afraid, you tense your body immensely and it doesn’t allow the flow of energy from spirit to move through you and to nourish you.

We all do this at some point and to some degree.  But some choose to actively work through it (or healing), and some choose to call it home and live in it their whole life.

When you are closed down like this, you are not in touch with your own true feelings.  It’s not possible.  You have to be open and receptive with warmth and trust in life in order to feel your own true feelings.  You have to do a lot of digging and soul searching with brutal honesty and endless forgiveness of yourself and others as you move through your pain.  There has to be a softness and compassion and understanding for not just yourself but others outside of you as well.  A wider perspective of life and your places in it.

Being emotional, including crying, does not mean that you are in touch with your own true feelings.  Many things are habitual or conditioned learning.  We all carry the burdens and sins of our ancestors with us that we have to break through to get beyond them and reach our own true feelings.  So many things that we think are our feelings, are False Forms.  They are not from our True Forms, and that causes us pain and sorrow in life for as long as we insist on believing them to be True.

Some people mistake their thoughts and opinions as being feelings.  They live in their heads and are completely out of touch with their bodies and believe their own thoughts about feelings to be their actual feelings.  This can often times stem from trauma and trying to flee or escape their bodies and can’t quite get all of the way out through the crown chakra and so they stay in the head area near the doorway so they can flee at a moments notice when things get too real.

However, what happens is that they’re never present (full of fire) within themselves and their physical body doesn’t trust them to be there for it when it needs them and so it goes into a perpetual ‘fight or flight or freeze’ stance and becomes anxiety ridden amongst many other health issues.  If they can learn to not be so scared of life and actually start to allow their presence into the rest of their body, relax and move out of a place of fear, they would find that it’s much, much more comfy and warm and anxiety free.  But my point being, those thoughts about thoughts are not their own true feelings.

Fear is a pretty motivated force.  It can blow things way out of proportion.  It absolutely blinds you and seems to work against you in seeing your own True Form.  It also likes to pretend that it’s not there.  It shows itself in other ways such as always being on guard, being defensive, being too quiet and small and never raising your voice, aggression, illness, laziness, apathy . . . on and on I could go.  I think the most damaging thing about Fear, is how it makes you believe that it is absolutely True.  And that is a Lie.  That is the Great Deception that we have all fallen for.

When you are standing in your True Form it is easier to recognize when others are standing in their True Form and when they’re not.  When you are not standing in your own Truth, it’s much harder to know the difference.

It takes great strength and courage to stand in your Truth by yourself, especially around those you love.  I so easily want to cave in on myself and go along with their Non-Truth just so that I don’t have to be alone, but I always pay a high price for it and it’s not worth it anymore.

So my recent post was to establish for myself that I do get to stay in that place of love.  That I have the strength and will to stand alone in my love for myself and them even if they have forgotten themselves.  I don’t have to listen to their Fear or Falseness or let it influence me.  I don’t even have to let them into my life.  I don’t have to go through life feeling guilty or ashamed for being a terrible daughter or mother when there’s nothing more I can do about it on my end.  In that I get a choice.

 alligator-walking-garden-road-gators-gonna-gate-pics

There’s Nothing You Can Do About Me Loving You

I’ve got a bone to pick.

I, as my own sovereign being, have my very own feelings.  Feelings that I get to feel for no other reason than that they exist.

My issue is that at every turn, I am told in some shape, way, or form that I am wrong in my feelings.  Not outright.  Nobody is outright saying, “Hey Jenn!  You’re an effing liar!”  No.  I would actually prefer if people did that, because that is something I recognize and understand how to fight.

I am surrounded by people that I love very much.  People who do not think very highly of themselves.  Who think less of themselves than they really are.  They are completely and thoroughly convinced that they are undeserving and unworthy of being loved.

I feel people at the Soul level (Neptune/Moon in Sag. conjunction).  I feel the Truth of a person.  I feel my Soul and my Soul feels their Soul.  I know my heart.  I know what I know and I know what I feel.

When I feel love for someone, and I share that feeling with them, whether in the feelings in my words or in my presence, it is genuine.  It’s from my Soul.  My Big Momma Heart.

I don’t have an ulterior motive.  I’m not thinking, ‘Oh, I’ll be here for you now in your hard time so that you are here for me in my hard time.’  I’m not thinking anything.  I’m simply being, emoting, existing in that moment with you.  The only thing I wish for and want, is for what I’m giving, what I’m offering . . . to be received with an open heart.

That is the absolutely most respectful thing that could be done in response to when I go to give of myself in that way.  When the person allows it into them, it fills my heart with warmth and love,  and what better gift could a person be given than to be filled with warmth and love?

But do you know what I get met with instead?

I am met with people closed to receiving.  They think so little of themselves, they refuse to allow anyone to love or comfort them.  All they have are excuses, excuses, excuses.  They think themselves broken beyond repair.  They think nobody can help them or save them.  They’re special in that nobody can reach them or help them.  “Yeah, but in my case . . . ”

It’s not true.  I can see and feel that it’s not true.  I can feel their Soul asking for help.  “Please help me.”  But the mother ‘effin humans themselves?  God save us all, you get in your own stupid way!

Seriously.  In that situation, of the two of us, who do you think is in a better place to have a more healthy and realistic perspective?  So, if something in me says, “This person is in need of care and comfort.” and then the person runs a play that says they are undeserving of being loved or cared for . . . well, don’t you think that’s your problem right there?  You never let love or care in?

And what it immediately says to me, to my feelings, is that my feelings are wrong.  I feel that you need love and care, and you don’t believe it for any reason whether consciously or subconsciously, and then you proceed to try to convince ME that you don’t need or deserve love or care?  Then you sir (or madam) are attempting to tell me that my feelings are wrong, and that does not sit well with me.

You can run around and think and feel whatever stupid nonsense you want to, that is your own damn business.  But don’t you DARE waste any of your time or energy trying to convince me or make me believe that I shouldn’t love you.  Don’t you DARE try to belittle or even hint to me that I am not allowed to fully feel my feelings of love for you just because you believe so LITTLE in yourself!  I don’t care if you hate yourself, you do NOT get to tell me that I don’t love you because of your OWN BULLSHIT!

There is nothing you can do about me loving you. :<

 Fire Lion

I Heart Responsibility

I had a horrifying self-realization today.  Well, almost.  I’m not sure that I’m at a place to fully admit it to myself, so I don’t know if that qualifies as a realization or not.  First I’d like to try it on before I decide whether or not to buy it.  So here that goes.

I like responsibility.  There.  I said it.

Maybe it’s my natal Saturn (super serious business dude) in Leo (all things fun and joy) with current transiting Jupiter (let’s expand the energy of the sign I’m floating in to ridiculous levels of yay) having recently moved into Leo, that’s talking.  Or.  Maybe the reality (oh hi Capricorn) of the situation, is that <gulp> . . . I like responsibility.

A memory from my childhood that keeps popping up as of late, is one in which I’m about 8 years old and sitting in the upstairs of my grandma’s house.  I had the TV on in the background so I didn’t feel alone.  Transformers were on.  I was in love with Optimus Prime.  That’s neither here nor there.  I just wonder sometimes why my initial love interest was that of a robot.

Anyways.  To entertain myself, I had gathered a bunch of books from off the shelf.  I had gathered other materials from around the house, such as a date stamp and ink pad.  A ruler.  Tape.  A stapler.  Paper.  Pen & pencil.  I arranged everything on the coffee table and then sat myself behind my “desk”.  I arranged the books in order by size and then faced them away from me.

I pretended that I was working at the library.  Someone (a go-bot maybe?) had just come to my counter to check out some books.  Good.  I pulled the books closer to me and in a very orderly and organized way, I wrote down the name and author of the book to keep for my records what books were being checked out.  I then made sure that the date stamp was set for the proper amount of days ahead in which the books would be due.

I had already taped pieces of papers into each book and drawn the lines on the paper, where I carefully stamped the due date into the proper square for each book.  I then let my customer know when the books were due, and that if they were late then there would be a fine for every day they were late.  If they failed to return the book, they would owe the price of the book.  Then smiling cheerfully, I would tell them to have a good day.

I could do this for hours.  This was great fun for me and brought me joy.  Having a natal Gemini Sun/Jupiter which sextiles (less than a degree) with my natal Saturn, this hit me in all the right places.  Books.  Communication.  Order.  Structure.

Gemini can be such a schizoid sign.  Many Gemini wonder if they are, or are even diagnosed with, Bi-Polar disorder because of their very nature to swing one way and then another in an instant.  While it may be hard to be around someone like that, it’s even harder to live with it inside of you.  With my natal Jupiter there blowing up my sun in this already scattered sign, I often felt like I was coming undone inside.

But to add to that, in direct opposition was my Neptune/Moon conjunction in Sagittarius.  I ping-ponged from one to the other.  Internally I would run back and forth from my ‘shattered into a thousand pieces’ Gemini Sun/Jupiter to my very foggy, blurry, confused, emotional, sensitive, lost and scared Sagittarius Neptune/Moon.  I say ping pong, but it was more of a cocktail.  I would just swing from one extreme of the cocktail to the other.  Intellectual observer to emotional zealot.  Inside I was very shattered and emotionally freaked out as a general rule.

As I’ve already mentioned, my Gemini Sun/Jupiter sextiles my Saturn.  Sextile is a favorable aspect.  It is an opportunity for me to have a harmonic relationship between these planets if I choose to put in the effort.  My Sagittarius Neptune/Moon has a trine to my Saturn.  A trine is the most favorable aspect.  That’s a talent and strength of yours.  It’s also where you can tend towards laziness because it’s *too* easy for you.  You don’t have to try hard to make it work, and so you may never push yourself in that area to move into greatness.

So my natal Saturn in Leo, as much as I bitch, moan, and complain about the guy . . . is actually my saving grace.  He is my anchor.  He is the one that goes marching straight into the center of my internal freak circus and straightens that shit out.  If it was not for my Saturn in Leo in the 5th house grounding these other extreme energies in me, I would have long since been locked up in a psych ward.

Because he’s the one that brings the sanity to my internal chaos, it’s because of him that I can quiet down my demons and relax . . . and therefore . . . enjoy myself and my life.

People may look at a librarian, analyst, or a business professional in general and think of how boring or dull that is.  The word accountant brings up images of a stuffy, conservative, tight-ass.  And I feel that used to be true to some degree.  However, I would argue that there are those types of people in every walk of life.

But for me, it’s because of the nature of Saturn that I’m able to enjoy life.  In fact, it’s through Saturn that I’m able to bring all of that internal creative energy that floods my system, into existence.  With Saturn I’ve gained discipline, strength, perseverance.  Through incredibly hard work and determination to not become a complete nutcase, I’ve learned how to provide a solid structure for myself in which to allow the chaotic creative force an outlet into this world.

It is no easy thing to bring in abstract thought and ideas from the ethers of imagination and your mind, and then continue to pull them into an actual plan of action and then follow through with that plan until completion.  The effort could be the accumulation of all of the efforts of your entire life.  THAT is how hard it is.  That is also the epitome of the sign Capricorn, the natural ruler of the 10th house.

The 10th house cusp is called the MC or Midheaven.  The 10th house is your legacy or what you leave behind or are remembered for after you’ve gone.  It is the totality or collection of your efforts while you were here.  What did you build and work on continually throughout your life that is strong, solid, and will withstand the tests of time?

My MC happens to be ruled by the natural ruler of Capricorn.  I have no natal planets there, but I can look to the ruler of Capricorn, Saturn, to see where in my life this is all going to play out.  Which brings me to my 5th house, the house of fun and love and pleasure.

If I were to look at my life like a trend line from this perspective, look where I’ve been in order to project or guess where it is I’m going, then I can see how I’ve had to work incredibly hard over the course of my life to move from being a very broken, shattered, and deeply wounded individual to one who has had to very carefully, tenderly, lovingly put myself back together piece by fragile piece.

I’ve had to forgo partying, letting loose, and living la vida loca in favor of working on fixing myself.  Being strict with myself.  Not letting myself have any excuses.  Not giving up no matter how many times everything re-shattered inside of me.  Learning to stand my ground instead of running in fright.  Confronting myself, my shadows, my weaknesses.  Confronting others, their shadows, and their weaknesses.  Learning to breathe through the terror and stay conscious.  Learning to forgive myself whenever I slipped backwards.

Continuing to take steps forward even if I have failed a hundred times or been humiliated, disgraced, or abandoned by everyone I knew.

Learning to forgive others and seeing their own faults as an outward sign of the struggle that they too fight inside.  Just like me.

Until a day came where a great shift began to happen in me, in which I got to view and experience life from a whole new place.  Not one that was based on struggle and misery.  Not one that was some horrible existence I was doomed to endure.  But a life that was literally shimmering like gold made of diamonds.  One of warmth and laughter.  Fun.  Love.

I’ve started to see glimmers of this life flicker into being here and there more and more as years have progressed.  This is Saturn at work.  It’s there and then it’s gone.  It comes back and then I drop it again.  I’ve figured it out! It’s there for longer . . . longe . . .  and then it slips from my grasp again.

As I continue to put in the hard work on myself, my life continues to gain more love overall . . . more warmth . . . more joy and laughter.  I become more and more at peace with myself and who I am.  I let down my guard for longer periods of time and allow more people into my heart, making my life experience richer and richer.

This is what being responsible has done for my life so far.  I don’t think I just like responsibility.  I think I like like responsibility.  I may even love responsibility.  But there’s no need to rush this.

Adult

Gemini – The Inner Child

“Hello darkness my old friend . . . ”

Just kidding!  The Sun is currently in Gemini, bitches!

Having a Sun/Jupiter conjunction in Gemini, I have a personal affection for this sign.

Sun Jupiter Conjunct

There’s a lot of trash talk out there regarding Gemini, so I’d like to put in my two cents regarding my own personal experience with the sign of the Twins.  If you’re looking for the typical regurgitated list of keywords regarding what Gemini is . . . then move along little doggy, because this isn’t what you’re looking for.

When I’m first learning something, yes . . . I use keywords.  But then I immediately want to understand how it actually looks, feels, sounds like in real life.  It might have something to do with my Sun/Jupiter being located in the 2nd house that is naturally ruled by Taurus . . . an Earth sign.  Let’s ground that shit.

The Sun is currently in Gemini (end of May- most of June), which means my birthday is coming up.

Sherbert

Let’s see . . . where do I start . . .

I know!  Let’s start with how the energy of Gemini feels.

On a warm summer day.  You’re out in a field of flowers, maybe on a mountain side.  The sky is clear blue.  And then a gentle, refreshing summer breeze comes through and makes you come to life!  Ahhh!  Life is good!

Gemini is that summer breeze.  It’s playful, child-like, smiling, and goes all ‘Sound of Music’ on your ass.  It’s a vibrant color of yellow.  Not pale yellow, not neon yellow . . . but Full of Life Yellow!  Yay!

Gemini reminds us not to take life SO Serious!  O.O

Serious Cat

Laugh once in awhile for god’s sake.

I view the zodiac as a framework for understanding different working energies in the universe and that each serves a purpose.  Each has a spectrum of ways it could manifest from the “I’m brand new to this shit and don’t know what the hell I’m doing” or less mature side, to the “I’ve swam these waters for millennia and I totally know what’s up and I do it well” or more mature side.

I also understand that there aren’t necessarily “opposites” to each sign . . . but a polarity.  Each sign has it’s polarity on it’s opposing side.  If you want to better understand any one sign, you need to also understand the opposing sign.  For Gemini that is Sagittarius.  But more on that later.

Gemini.  Gemini likes . . . nay . . . NEEDS to label things.  “What’s this?”  “What about this?”  “What’s that called?”  Gemini is the universe’s label maker.  It doesn’t want an in-depth description about whatever *it* is.  Curious by nature, Gemini isn’t looking to pass judgment or to use it later for manipulative purposes . . . it just wants a name to call it by.  So later when Gemini is with their friends they can share what they learned with them.

Gemini loves to share.  Not-so-grown up Gemini will gossip like no other.  If you have a secret you want to be kept a secret . . . pssst . . . here’s a secret . . . DON’T tell an immature Gemini.  It’s not because they’re trying to be mean . . . there is a very real compulsion in the Gemini energy to *share*.  To share experiences, share stories, share information . . . connect and share . . . connect and share.

Social Media?  {Insert evil little kid laugh here}  That is so.Gemini.  O.M.G.  I can’t even.

When we’re little kids, we learn by mimicking those around us.  Gemini is that little kid.  Trying to learn and take in as much information about their immediate environment as possible and share what they learn with others.  And just like a kid, they can be unpredictably moody.  Giggles and sunshine one minute, death stare and DOOM the next.  The Twins.

Making connections.  Not just with others, but also between things.  Because Gemini tends to skim a wide swath of topics in an attempt to satisfy their curiosity,  they can also potentially start to see connections between things that the less curious (boring) person might not notice.

Gemini, being an air sign (hello light breeze), is more of an intellectual sign.  It’s not about feelers or emotions.  It’s not trying to save the goddamn world.  That doesn’t come until much later in the zodiac process, with the air sign of Aquarius.  Gemini is just trying to observe and understand things as they are.

Language and communication is a big thing with Gemini.  Also with Virgo because both are ruled by Mercury, the planet of communication.  My son is a Virgo (Sun & Moon).  So I’ve tried to understand what the differences are between the signs because they very much behave in parallel with each other.  It can get a little confusing.

What I’ve observed so far (in my awesome Gemini superhero ways) is that Gemini tends to process information by being outwardly verbal about it.  Virgo (an Earth sign) tends to process information more internally . . . and using more actual senses than Gemini.  Virgo is more practical.  Gemini is head in the clouds.  Thank GOD I have Mercury in Taurus or I’d be a complete space cadet with how the rest of my chart is.

Both Virgo and Gemini tend to be more aware of details.  But Virgo can stay in the details on something specific for a long time.  Gemini is like fuck that.  After 2.5 seconds, Gemini is bored with the topic and moving on.  My son has been learning all of the details and surrounding details regarding making his own digital music.  I’ve seen the program.  He has put in years of his life understanding what each little nobby thing does if he tweaks something this way or that way.  He spends his own money that he’s saved up patiently (he’s a Taurus rising) on textbooks regarding the history of digital music and on music theory.

He blows my mind.  How in the hell do you keep studying all those insanely intricate controls and doo-dads in that program month after month?  I would lose my goddamn mind.  *That’s* a real life example of the difference between a Gemini and a Virgo.

BTW, what I mean by *details* for Gemini, is what I call clue pieces.  At any given time I’m holding virtually in my mind, any and all loose end pieces of information that don’t quite make sense to me or fit in with anything.  My own personal virtual web of ‘WTFs?’ that the jury is still out on.  As I continue to learn new things, sometimes I hit upon new information that *pings* one of my ‘WTF?’ files, and starts to fill in the missing blanks of me understanding something.

Short tangent here.  I always assumed that Virgo would be the type to love actual jigsaw puzzles, because . . . detail.  Look at all the detail you have to focus on.  Smorgasbord of detail.  But you know what?  All of the people in my life with prominent Virgo energy (that I’ve bothered to ask) cannot seem to tolerate jigsaw puzzles.  They approach them like their hair is going to catch fire.  I, on the other hand, LOVE jigsaw puzzles.  OMG they are the best.  And any friends that I’ve ever had who likes puzzles like I do . . . Gemini.

Board games.  <– Gemini says yes.  But expect this if things don’t go how we like:

flipping tables

That’s how I end monopoly games.

So now’s probably a good time to bring up the opposing side of Gemini, which is Sagittarius.  I equally LOVE Sagittarius.  But that’s probably to do with my Moon and Neptune being there.

Gem Sag Axis

Even if you can’t read the symbols, I’m sure you can guess that the little crescent moon shape is . . . the moon.  :O  The trident next to it is Neptune.

Sagittarius is the ‘higher education’ portion of the zodiac.  Gemini, cute little school kid . . . Sagittarius, the person working on their PHD.  Gemini = Knowledge . . . Sagittarius =Wisdom.  Gemini = Concrete observation . . . Sagittarius = Abstract concepts.  Gemini = pieces or *clues* about this and that . . . Sagittarius = the bigger picture.

For me personally, Sagittarius is about the Higher Truth.  Sagittarius also rules belief, religion, prophecy, and zealotry.  Here you can get someone who is pretty sure they know the truth and omg are they going to let you know all about it.  But just as in all signs . . . there is the immature/mature expression.

With my Neptune/Moon there . . . I *feel* truth in my own personal feelings and emotions.  However, I have to make sure I’m being brutally honest with myself and always practicing discernment, but that doesn’t mean I’m always succeeding because I’m currently stuffed into a human body and shit happens.

So my Gemini goes on clue hunts and picks up bits and pieces of information from all over, and my Sagittarius ponders and feels them out.  The stuff that hits the *true* vibe stays, the rest is thrown into a bag of NOPE.  However, I do keep the bag of NOPE around because sometimes when I’m really stuck on a problem I have to go through that bag of NOPE and see if I didn’t accidentally throw something out that I actually need.

I’m a data hoarder.

Where Gemini has it’s tentacles scattered out to the four winds, Sagittarius zooms me in to a single focus and helps me recollect myself.  Gemini is like a web crawler that goes out searching for information, and Sagittarius is like the search engine that allows me to search for something specifically.  Sagittarius allows me to zoom up real high and look at the bigger picture to help me understand why maybe my clue pieces aren’t fitting right.

Hence, why I LOVE puzzles.  Little pieces making up the one picture.  Plus, it’s temporary.  I get a new one . . . I have new colors to dig through and sort.  A new picture to aim for (So Sag, aiming for a single target) using the little pieces (Gemini).  Once it’s done, I usually take a deep sigh (and then a picture) . . . and then I tear that shit apart and throw it back in the box and go get another puzzle . . . with all new colors and . . .

Point being, it’s a fun way to exercise that axis of my chart.  Keep my observational skills sharpened as well as keeping the transition from bigger picture to details and back to bigger picture nice and flexible.  It’s my version of “lifting weights”.  Feels goooood.

Also, Sagittarius wants to find meaning in things.  It’s always in the pursuit of Truth.  Philosophizing.  “Yes, but what does it all mean!?”  And that helps my superficial Gemini a lot.  Basically this axis of my chart, with the planets being in the signs and houses that they are, is all about understanding reality . . . both here and the other side of the Veil.  It’s like my whole expression of being is bent on finding, learning, understanding this reality and the reality after we die and connecting the two together.  What is real here . . . okay and what is real there . . . okay . . . now what do both have in common . . . is this a universal truth or something that is only true for now?  And why?  But how come?

Okay.  There’s so much more I could say about Gemini, but you know . . . we all have lives to get back to and what not.  So . . . go be free . . . be free my little butterflies!  Enjoy the Sun in Gemini time!  Be silly, giggle, get an ice cream cone, watch cartoons, frolick, have fun with friends, play pretend, build a cushion fort, be mischievous!

Shrubbery

 

A Life Of Joy At Death’s Door

Death is one of the most deep and intimate things you can experience while in life.  Whether it be through the death of a loved one or a stranger you read about half way across the world.

Death is the ultimate surrendering.  The ultimate letting go.

In astrology, death is found in the 8th house, represented by the sign of Scorpio and by the planet of Pluto.  The energies of death, sex, and intimacy.  The joint resources between partners.

This energy that runs through those representative symbols, just like the other houses/signs/planets in astrology, is the grouping of an energy that acts as a foundation and understanding about nature and cycles.  The reason they *rule* certain things in life is because those things are related.  They aren’t just willy nilly grouped that way for fun.

When I’m trying to better understand the nature of something, I also take a look at the things that are commonly associated with it over time.  From there I am able to start seeing the single thread of energy that moves through all of them.  Once I can see that, I am able to integrate and extrapolate further meaning about that single thread of energy.  This is one of the cool benefits I gain from having a Sun/Jupiter conjunction in Gemini.

But Gemini is more of a superficial sign.  Only interested in what is right in front of them and in the moment.  Distracted by the shiny and sparkly things in life.  It’s the sign of youthfulness and childlike wonder.  It is a happy energy.  When I think of Gemini I feel a sunshiny yellow color.  The color of summer and things that are lit up bright and beautiful and warm.  Gemini, being one of three air signs, is the refreshing breeze that comes through and livens things up.  The social butterfly.

While Gemini does have a dark twin, and you’re never sure which you’re going to get . . . for the most part, death is a far and distant concept for them.  It’s this thing that happens and it’s super sad, but ‘hey, that’s life’ as they go tra-la-la-la-la-ing onto their tiptoes in an impromptu dance where they’re not really listening to anything you’re saying anyways.

So what exactly is up with *this* Gemini that I dive so deep into such intimate matters of the Scorpio variety?  Well many things, but the most influential is what I have in direct opposition from my Sun & Jupiter, my Neptune/Moon conjunction in Sagittarius.  The most interesting thing about it to me, is in the house system I use (Koch), even though both are at 14 degrees, my Moon is in the 8th house and my Neptune is in the 9th house.

My 9th house cusp is right in the middle of those two . . . and boy can I feel it.  Here’s why.  I see 8th house as the house of ultimate depth and the ultimate release . . . which at the moment of release,  the energy starts to soar upward into the 9th house (naturally ruled by Sagittarius) of higher truth and freedom.  My Moon and Neptune are straddling that crossover, along with being *in* the sign of Sagittarius.  The Moon is a very personal planet.  It’s what you feel in your core.  If you were to pull into yourself like a turtle and just be in the center and essence of *you* . . . this is your Moon.  Well, technically it’s the IC (4th house cusp), but it’s represented planet-wise through your Moon.

My Moon in the 8th house shows a natural comfort zone in the energetic zone of death and intimacy.  But being in Sagittarius and sitting snug with Neptune . . . it’s the *surrender* moment . . . where the soul surrenders to the Divine.  “Let go and let God.”  It’s the sign of the Free Spirit.  The shadow side of Sagittarius can be someone running from the deeper, serious things in life.  I very much have the tendency in me to haul ass out of situations that get too serious.  The Sagittarius that is growing up, is one who stops running from these things and learns how to be free by embracing all of life.  It’s also the sign of joy.  🙂

My struggle in this life has been to be present in all life situations without going into make-believe or pretend.  My tendency is to become a silver lining sayings factory instead of actually letting the reality of the situation sink into me.  When I was 16 my maternal grandmother died.  Could.not.handle.it.  A whole bunch of NOPE came up in me.  My family wanted me to come to the funeral . . . said I would regret it one day if I didn’t go.  Nope.  That’s all I felt inside of me.  If I don’t go to the funeral, it didn’t happen.

My interest in life after death consumed my childhood.  In the 4th grade I did an oral report on reincarnation.  In hindsight it was a really dumb thing to do, because at the time I lived in the southern US state of Georgia, also known as the bible belt of America.  I was excited to share this information, but was met with a room full of frowny angry faces.

Also, I always had dreams where people who had died in our family would come to me with messages to give other family members.  I could sense, feel, and hear ghosts/spirits.  I purposely blocked them from my vision because there is only so much a little girl can handle in the dark by herself.

I was also plagued by incredibly gruesome dreams.  Dreams where I was put in horrible situations such as being shot in the head and being forced to make a choice between me being shot in the head first and ending my suffering, or having a child I was protecting be shot in the head first so that her suffering ended first . . . however I would have to witness it.

I was taken to a lot of counselors and psychologists when I was younger.

The point being . . . you can run, but you can’t hide from who you are and what you’re meant for in the world.  A point made very clearly to me in a dream in which my maternal grandfather, who I had watched take his last breath in this life, came to me and told me that I needed to get over my fear with this ability to travel back and forth between the veil of life and death, because it was going to happen ready or not.  Meaning, I better get my shit together and stop running from my fears because my natural abilities were going to start to bleed through whether I disciplined myself to deal with it or not.

I’ve had many dreams in which I’m placed in various scenarios where it’s *the* moment of death.  The moment where it’s time to go, and the soul is released from the body.  It’s lucid, and I stay aware during the whole process.  Every single time, I look to the others near me in the dream and I say to them . . . “Just let go.”

It’s my Moon mantra.

The feeling in the moment of dying in these dreams, is one where you let go of all attachments to life including the need to survive.  I feel all areas of the inner me literally detach energetically from the physical body.  It’s 100% openness.  It’s laying down all burdens.  A complete surrender to the All.

Imagine you were standing at the top of a 100 story building and you got shoved off.  There’s zero doubt you are about to die.  Maybe you feel some regret move through you.  Maybe a feeling of ‘oh shit . . . I should’ve lived more’.  Those will move through your mind pretty quickly until you come to a moment of clarity.  A single moment of knowing that “this is it”, who was most important to you, and then there is an instinctive response to “Let Go” where you close your eyes and you let every single thing you spent your life worrying about go.  All of it.

That is the moment of ultimate surrender.  Ultimate presence and awareness.  It’s ironically the moment when you are most alive, because your attention is not being scattered to the four winds in worry about taking the car to the shop, making dentist appointments for the family, grocery lists, that presentation at work . . . no, all of your awareness and attention is zeroed in on that moment.  It quickly condenses down to the few most important things in your life.  Your wife.  Your kids.  Your mom.  Whatever it is for you, in that moment you will know with all of your heart what mattered most to you in life, and they will be the last thoughts you have before you exit the body.

It’s when your heart is most open.  It’s when you are the most real and authentic you.  It’s the moment of truth.  The moment where everything false or unimportant is burned away in an instant.

That is where my Moon & Neptune reside energetically in my natal chart.

Between my Gemini Sun/Jupiter and my Sagittarius Neptune/Moon, I live perpetually in this doorway between life and death.  This doorway of surrender, what’s truly most important, and how wonderful each day we are given is.  It’s my comfort zone, this understanding of the transition between here and there . . . life and death.

An appreciation and love for that moment, even though it brings people so much pain and sorrow.  I also feel that deep pain and sorrow, but I simultaneously feel the surrender and release of all that isn’t real or true within me.  As I open to the incredible pain of loss and sorrow, whether it be personally for a loved one or for those I don’t know, like those lost during a natural disaster, my whole heart opens . . . lifting the separation of the worlds between life and death within, and flooding me with the absolute love the Divine has for each and every one of us.

It is where I am comforted and where I give comfort.

Speaking of which, I have a little kitty girl on my lap who is currently in this transition and is trying to let me know that it’s about time for her to go.  I’m trying to be brave and not resist it, but I don’t think anyone looks forward to opening themselves up to that level of pain.

It’s like throwing up.  You know you’ll feel better once you do it, but you’d rather not.

 funny-run-sign-screaming-hill

Keep Going . . . You Don’t Want To Miss This

There is a dream I had back in October that has been tapping me on my shoulder a lot the last couple of weeks.  When I turn around to yell, “What?!” it just stands there and stares at me.  It doesn’t say anything (because that would be weird), but I do get a feeling of please share me.  Then I feel the sum of what is happening on Earth at this time . . . I hear the words that were said at the end of the dream.  Then I feel what can only be described as hearing/feeling a collective prayer . . . a plea . . . and I see in my mind’s eye a sea of faces crying . . . frustrated . . . confused.  All of them so scared inside . . . unsure.

It all feels so big.  Sharing my dream feels so small.

But then I think of all of the times I was in a really bad place in my life . . . and how I’d search the internet trying to find something . . . anything . . . to let me know that I would be okay.  To inspire me to keep trying and keep going.  Often the places I would find the most valuable thing to me, would be some obscure blog post.  Just someone ranting or sharing something about themselves.  Maybe someone just being raw and real with no apologies.  Maybe someone just openly sharing their own fears or heartaches.  Those things would touch me so much that it would cut through my cold and have me sobbing with my whole body.  Those people saved my life and sanity on numerous occasions.

The countless anonymous people who have helped me with their words, will probably never have any idea what they did for me.  I wish I could have told them.  But the thing about being in a deep dark hole, is that you’re unable to gather enough strength to even click a *like* button . . . let alone shout your gratitude to the surface.

For those of you who are stuck down in that deep well . . . it’s for you that I write.  I got lost in my writing groove because I was unconsciously addressing the haters from my past who haunt me, and I was trying to prove myself to them . . . or help them understand me.  That’s not what I want.

The path that has lead me to this moment has been incredible.  It has been spent living in the valley of the shadow of death and chaos.  It has been spent without a voice of my own.

Slowly and surely I have been finding my voice.  Finding the courage to say the things I know inside of me.  And those things aren’t meant for those who would tear me down or try to hold me under water.  They aren’t meant for those who insist on seeing me as anything less than I am.  They are not meant for those who are bent on being offended instead of seeing the innocence in my words.

They are meant for others like me.  They are meant for the ones who have lost themselves.  They are meant for the ones who have lost their own voices.  They are meant for the ones who have been unfairly made to feel like they are worth anything less than they are.  Anyone who has felt unloved and unwanted by life.  They are meant for the ones looking for a light of hope.  The ones looking for a reason to keep going . . . to keep trying.

So yes . . . the feeling I felt when recalling my dream from last October felt big . . . and sharing the dream seems so small in comparison.  But not when I really think about my reasons for wanting to write and share.  Not when it might possibly reach the eyes of that one person who is desperately searching the internet to find something . . . anything . . . to help them not sink deeper into the darkness.  From that perspective, it becomes as big as my feeling of the collective who is crying out for help.

So when the dream tapped me on the shoulder this morning, I said, “Okay.  I will share it.”

This is from my dream journal dated Oct. 14, 2013:

I was in an ethereal type place.  I dreamt that a bunch of monkeys came in the house I was in.  One ran up to me.  When I went to pick him up, he was actually a little boy.  His left eye was a milky white, but not quite all of it.

He said his name was Tommy.  I said my name was Jennifer.  When I said it, the boy looked at some others there, and they nodded their head as if to say just go along with it.  They also said something about me being booked up for months out.  I said if I am, then why am I still working (referring to my current job).  I just got more confused looks like it had nothing to do with what they were talking about. 

So I started talking with the boy.  I told him that his eye was pretty cool.  He said that he was trying to make it so I would see it (trying to bring attention to it).  He very openly said that it was from trying to commit suicide.  Something about trying to eat cupboard food.

I kept looking him in the eyes, and doing a focused zoomed in thing that seemed to make the moment more surreal.  In that moment, the dream became more real than real life.  “Vivid” and “lucid” aspire to be that clear and present.

I said, “There is something special happening on Earth right now.  I know it’s hard, but you don’t want to miss it.”

We were walking along, and there was one other person walking with us.  Something interrupted us.  Then I found myself repeating to him, “There is something special happening on Earth.” 

The emphasizes in the dream was the message.  The boy who tried to commit suicide  . . . and me trying to strongly impress in him that I knew how hard it was . . . but he needed to trust me when I said that he did not want to miss it.  When I was talking with him . . . I felt so deeply in me . . . “don’t give up . . . hold on a little longer . . . this is something you really want . . . have faith and hold on a little longer . . . it’s going to be okay.”

I was aware of all of my own pain and struggle in my current life . . . I knew personally how hard it was.  But even bigger in feeling, was the understanding of what was really happening in the background.  That what was currently in the process of unfolding on Earth made all of the pain and struggle so small and powerless in comparison.  And strangely . . . there was even a moment of all of us knowing that we would all be struggling at this point in the process . . . and that we would need a nudge or reminder to keep going.

You can do it.  Keep going.

The sky filled with love.

The sky filled with love.

Wanting To Be A Graceful Swan, Destined To Be A Goofy Dork.

I was recently doing searches on various aspects of my birth chart because I’ve lost sight of who I am again.

Normally this might be something I’d talk to a close friend about . . . but right now, that friend is you.  This space is the only medium I have in my life right now to talk things out.

But hey, I have Uranus (friends, internet, unconventional) in my 7th house (relationships) . . . so maybe this is exactly how it’s supposed to be for me.

Over and over again I am reminded in my life that there is how I think things are supposed to be . . . and then there are how things just are.

Anyways . . . I like visual aids, so here’s a look at my birth chart (and it’s okay if you don’t know astrology . . . it’s my feeling that even just seeing the geometry and symbols gives us information, even if at a subconscious level).  If you click on it you should be able to see the mega huge version of it.  (If you’re looking for a great resource for astrology, or even just to have the ability to do a chart without having to pay money . . . www.astro.com is *the* best place I have found online.)

Jenn's Birth Chart

Jenn’s Birth Chart

It will never fail to amaze me how looking at a birth chart is looking at a snapshot of the heavens at the time and location of a person’s birth . . . and how it is a blueprint of who we are and what our plan was for the time we are here.  As above . . . so below.

Anyways, I first started my search with my (moon’s) North Node, which is in Libra in the 7th house.

North Node in Libra in the 7th house.

North Node in Libra in the 7th house.

One place I looked, True Node.org, had a lot of useful information.  Some of it I wasn’t quite on board with, but that helped me actively use my discernment in what I felt to be true for myself vs. how another person viewed/interpreted similar things that I do . . . without being defensive about it.  And also for me to keep in mind, that there are other things in my chart that change how it is expressed in me.

Here’s what stood out most for me:

You are here in this lifetime to learn to give with the whole heart, asking nothing of others in return.

. . .

Some will perceive you as disloyal, since you are so reluctant to invest in your relationships.  However, as you grow in your spiritual development, you will find within yourself an amazing ability to give self-confidence to others.

. . .

an ability to “give others the will where there was none” and to make them aware of their own self-worth

These are the things I felt touch me deep inside and reading them easily make me cry in a kind of relief . . . so I know they are touching on something true and important to me.

When I’ve forgotten who I am . . . this is the kind of process I go through to help piece myself back together until a bigger picture emerges and I’m able to start remembering on my own.

One of the things I feel when reading these sentences, is a raw heartbreaking overwhelming humbleness at the idea that I could affect another human being in that way.  Which makes me painfully aware of what I’ve been feeling about my own self worth.  How lately, I haven’t been feeling like I have anything of value to offer another person.  I know it’s not true, but I can’t seem to remember what it is I have.

So I kept searching to see what other clues I could find.  Next was on my Neptune/Moon conjunction.

Neptune (9th house) and Moon (8th house) conjunction in Sagittarius.

Neptune (9th house) and Moon (8th house) conjunction in Sagittarius.

This is where my deep feelers come from.  This is why I cry like a person at a funeral when I witness something that feels so profound or so beautiful.  This is what brings me to my knees when I hear a violin playing just the right haunting chords.  It’s where I feel (moon) both the beauty and sorrow of the world and life from a spacecraft view.  This is also where I get incredibly confused in my feelings and who I am separate from others whenever I become emotionally stressed.

The best place I found that describes the Neptune/Moon conjunction, is at The Chirotic Journal.  It’s a longer quote . . . but I feel it’s necessary in order to effectively understand what it means to have this configuration (or similar).

Imagine this scenario: someone you know has come to see you and on their way over they have got stuck in traffic, had an argument with a co-worker on the phone and discovered that their husband spent the housekeeping on a hooker, then they call in at your house, and actually, they like you very much and just want to hang out for a while so they don’t mention any of that bad stuff, but inside they are angry, upset, hurt and frustrated, as would only be natural for anyone who had experienced such a frustrating and upsetting set of circumstances. For most, this visitor would appear agitated perhaps, maybe a little off and flat and for anyone without Moon conjunct Neptune it wouldn’t represent much of a blip on their personal radar, off their friend would toddle, and they might think to themselves “hmm, they seemed a little odd today, no matter”, and they would carry on about their business and probably forget all about it.

Not so for Moon conjunct Neptune. Not by a long chalk.

For anyone with Moon conjunct Neptune, they can feel the anger, resentment and frustration from their friend almost as a physical force in the room. The hostility would be profoundly uncomfortable, they feel so uncomfortable in fact that they may even begin to physically sweat, or shake, or feel a little wan and pale. And even before their friend was out the door they will already be running through the list of all possible misdemeanours they could possibly have committed to have caused such an upset, because it is entirely possible that their friend is angry because of something they have done, or said, or not said, or not done, or implied, or inferred or failed to anticipate.

It’s for this reason I need lots of time alone.  It’s also the source of many of my oddities, all of which are hard for me to explain or describe because it just doesn’t make sense in practical down-to-earth terms.  It’s stuff that only makes sense to someone (without this or a similar configuration in their chart) when they’re having a religious experience or moment of ecstatic bliss.  Or when faced with larger than life events, such as when faced with the death of a loved one and they bring the whole meaning of life into question.  In those moments . . . the things I feel every day of my life . . . would then have more context and make more sense to them.

Next I decided to look at the aspect on my chart that is in opposition (180 degrees) from my Neptune/Moon, which is my Jupiter/Sun.  It’s crucial that I understand this other side because it’s my counter-balance.  Until I come to peace with both, I will swing wildly from one to the other.  I have to reconcile both sides (and all 4 of the gigantic influences) inside of me.

Sun and Jupiter conjunction in 2nd house in Gemini.

Sun and Jupiter conjunction in 2nd house in Gemini.

The things that came up in my search wavered from one end of the spectrum to the other as far as how people chose to see this combination.  Here are some samples:

From Sasstrology (and specifically about having a partner who has Sun/Jupiter aspect . . . apparently I’m a handful.)

When ego (Sun) is united with the planet of expansion and philosophy (Jupiter), it creates a larger-than-life personality. Sun/Jupiter is a highly intelligent, optimistic partner. But when his sense of self gets too big, is there room for another person in the relationship?

Jupiter’s full-on influence quadruples the Sun’s energy.

I *have* wondered this myself.  I understand at some level that I’m *a lot*.  I can get so frustrated with myself.  I want to be who I am without overwhelming or scaring people off.  But I don’t know how to just “kind of” be me.  It’s like asking an atomic bomb to “bring it down a notch”.  How?  🙂

From the site My Astrology Book:

You have brought strong and powerful spiritual energy into this world.  You’re very ethical, vital, physically protected, and have much wisdom to share with others.  You’re optimistic, philosophical, generous to a fault, buoyant, love to travel, and will probably do so, to places far from home. 

Okay . . . that seems like a little more down to Earth.  But it’s not really getting at the bigness of the energy.

MoonPluto Astrology says with the Sun/Jupiter configuration:

People forget sometimes that Sagittarius is the sign of prophecy and Jupiter in Gemini sitting with the Sun (YOU) is… to quote a Facebook friend of mine, the intensity and relentlessness of 1,000 white hot suns.

There we go . . . 1,000 white hot suns.  Now I feel like we’re on the same page.  That’s the level at which I’m having to consciously work with and keep under control at all times.  If I don’t, my physical body (2nd house) starts paying the price for it.  So I’m always in flux trying to keep myself healthy by not keeping all of that repressed in me . . . and also with not letting it all out and frying everyone within a 100,000 mile radius to a burnt crisp.  Cuz . . . I mean . . . I deeply *care* about you guys.  My Moon/Neptune is absolutely horrified at what my Sun/Jupiter is capable of.

So the ping pong game that often plays out on this axis/opposition of my chart looks something like this:  Supernova Superstar! —> You Monster!  How could you be so insensitive! {sob uncontrollably} –> I’m super sorry.  I’m a pathetic, self-centered jackass. –> Oh . . . it’s okay . . . I know you didn’t mean it. –> Really?  –>  Sure!  You’re not so bad.  I love you!  –> Supernova Superstar!

This is mostly internal . . . because I have another aspect playing out in my chart that isn’t so fond of my Sun/Jupiter.  And that is my . . . wait for it . . . Saturn in Leo in the 5th house.  (dun Dun DUN!!)

Saturn in Leo in the 5th house.

Saturn in Leo in the 5th house.

I *am* grateful for Saturn, because he helps anchor my Neptune/Moon and keeps me from totally floating off into space.  This is where I gain discipline, strength, and focus if I put in the hard work.  But it’s in the sign and house of FUN!  Noooooooo!

I liked what Night Sky wrote about Saturn in Leo.

Under Leo, Saturn is brought into the spotlight, into the limelight and is forced into doing something that Saturn abhors generally, and that is being the centre of attention and being “fun”.

Bah, Humbug!

In this position, Saturn is forced into showing courage, spontaneity, exuberance and love of life. The result is often a straight jacket.

LOL.  But seriously,

When in terms and face though, and the essential debility of this placement is reduced somewhat, Saturn´s serious and no-nonsense face is a beautiful blend with Solar energy resulting in an old and mature soul acting through an innocent and childlike Leo.

That’s a beautiful sentiment . . . but here’s the reality of it:

The detrimental nature of Saturn in Leo almost always guarantees the humiliation of Saturn in any kind of endeavour in which he tries to act out his original and melancholic nature, for in doing so the fire of Leo will burn away all careful planning, all responsibility and wreak havoc. But for the Saturn who acts out his inner child, who does what Leo tells him and tries to be “fun” it seems as if great respect and honour… those so desired Saturnine gifts are thrown upon him. It is funny that this Saturn although repressed and wearing a straight jacket when he does take to the stage, is so showered with affection and admiration for doing it. But that is the nature of essentially debilitated planets, they are asked to do something they don´t like.

Ack.  Okay.  For some reason this has me tearing up.  {Stop it!  Stop crying! God you are so embarrassing sometimes.} <— says my Saturn in Leo/5th house to my Neptune/Moon.

Guaranteed humiliation when I try to be myself around others.  Yes.  1,000 white hot suns yes.  My Gemini and Sagittarius want to be in love with life and people.  They want to bring joy and laughter to everyone.  And then there’s Saturn with a leash on both of them saying, “NO!”

This is Saturn in Leo's response to Moon/Neptune in Sagittarius.

This is Saturn in Leo’s response to Moon/Neptune in Sagittarius.

I hate and fear attention.  I.despise.it.  It baffles me that there are people who want to be famous.  WHY!?  Why would you do that on purpose?!  But the forces that burn and bubble under my surface, demand to be let out . . . and that is inevitably going to bring attention to me. (godbleepitybleepingbleep!!)  So I most definitely will come crashing through that stage in a straightjacket, because it’s both something I hate and something that comes with just being who I am.  I want to be all noble, poised, and magnificent . . . but do this instead:

That's about as graceful as I get.

That’s about as graceful as I get.

So . . . that’s as far as I got in my search.  When I’m in a healthier space, I can handle way more information than that at a time . . . so that is another indicator for myself to take it easy and to continue to rest.  But doing this helped.  It felt good to share this with you.  (But don’t tell Saturn.)

{Continued in Before I Get To Goofy Dork, I Need To Make A Quick Stop At The Local Abyss }