The War Outside and The War Within

I’ve been giving a lot of thought to the Aries/Libra axis lately.  Obviously something in me is trying to work itself out.  Trying to finish reconciling.

So let’s take a walk together, shall we?

I have a loaded 1st house (natural house of Aries), and lots of Aries itself.  Along with the ruler of the 1st house and Aries, Mars . . . IN Aries in the 1st house.  Along with my South Node, Venus, Chiron, Mercury, and two not shown here (but that play a big part in my life) are Eris (conjunct my ascendant) and Sedna (conjunct my Chiron).  There’s a lot going on in my house of Self.

Natal First House

Aries.  It is the new spark of life.  It is consciousness.  It is action and movement.  It’s what forces the flowers in spring to push and rise through the dirt to the surface.  It is presence and spirited energy.  Motivation.  Leadership taking you into new territory.  Mars is what our motivation is.  Mine is in Aries and in the 1st house, I’m extraordinarily self-motivated.  I don’t wait around for someone to tell me what needs to be done, I get on top of stuff immediately.

This energy is competitive.  It’s also known as the warrior.  The fighter.  It’s animal instinct for survival.  It is the fight, flight, or freeze response we have.  (My poor, poor adrenal glands.)  It’s will power.  It’s a persevering energy.  You gotta do, what you’ve gotta do.  There’s no point sitting around bitching and moaning about it, get your ass in gear and just DO it.  It’s very personal energy.  It’s very *real* and raw.

Having such a large emphasis of this energy, very much of my life has been focused on survival.  When you’re in survival mode, you don’t have the time or luxury to be laying about and enjoying the good life.  You can’t put your defense down.  You have to focus and be fully present.  You need clarity.  You need a clear head and there’s no time for bullshit or goofing around.

Libra on the other hand, is the sign of the diplomat or politician.  It’s more cultured.  Ruled by Venus, it’s all things beautiful and harmonious.  The designer clothes, the pedicured toes, the waxed eyebrows.  Situations are not life or death.  You have time to talk it over and see both sides and try to be fair about it.  Libra is the balancer.  Regaining equilibrium.  As well as going to extremes.  People that I know that have an emphasis in Libra energy, tend to go to extremes until they learn how to reel that energy in and use it appropriately.

It’s also not very action-oriented.  It doesn’t want to do anything if it doesn’t HAVE to do it.  The shadow of Libra can be seen in those who were raised in a privileged lifestyle and never forced to do something they don’t want to do.  They can become out of touch with the “common” people (those gross Aries peasants).  Because they are not forced into life and death situations, they make up ones.  The ones that you see having a complete meltdown because their parents got them the wrong model of Mercedes for their 16th birthday and *ruined* their life . . . is a Libran shadow.

When you go too far into Libra-hood without tempering it with some Aries clarity and presence-in-the-moment-ness, you can start becoming disconnected or out of touch from real life.  You can get so wrapped up in trying to be “fair” to everyone that nothing ever actually gets done.  You can get caught up in bureaucratic red tape.  The actual individual people are no longer seen.  It becomes about looking good, or being perceived as caring about the individual people . . . when really you have no idea what they’re really going through.  The average modern-day politician is an example of the Libra shadow.

If the spring flower were to suddenly go all Libra shadow on us, it wouldn’t bother to leave it’s seed.  “It’s too harrrrd.  I don’t wanna . . . It’s not fair!  The dirt is all gross and yucky!”  My point being, there is a genuine need for this Aries energy in life, otherwise everything would wither and die.  Nothing new would begin or happen.

If you remember mythology, you also know that Mars/Ares were related to war.  When you’re talking about War and Peace, you are effectively talking about the Aries and Libra axis.  You are talking about the Western World and The Middle East.  Us vs. Them.

So as I’ve been thinking about this Aries/Libra axis, I keep thinking of a project that was done by Lalage Snow, a photojournalist.  He took pictures of British soldiers before, during, and after war.  Here’s one of a million articles done on it, Lalage Snow’s ‘We Are The Not Dead’ shows the face of war.

I was completely fascinated with these photos.  Being an analyst by nature and as a professional, I didn’t bother reading the surrounding text.  I immediately went to each comparison and looked for what each had in common with each other.  I looked to see what story each one told.  I did not expect what I saw.  In fact, what I noticed was so surprising to me that it led to a whole new understanding of the Aries/Libra axis that I’ve been sharing with you.

I’m going to share some of the photos with you, and again these belong to photojournalist Lalage Snow if you want to look him up yourself.  Take a look at them yourself before reading what I personally saw.

Lalage Snow Soldier 2

Lalage Snow Soldier 1

Lalage Snow Soldier 5

Lalage Snow Soldier 4

Lalage Snow Soldier 3

You may need to click on them to see the larger version to really see their faces.  I had already made up my mind what I had for sure seen before I read anyone else’s comments regarding them.  I was surprised to find that there was so much focus on the tragedy of war, and not noticing something that seemed as obvious as the nose on my face.  That in itself was a bit of a reality check for myself.  That maybe what is obvious to me, is not so obvious to others and why maybe it’s not such a bad idea to share my opinion.

Every single photo, the middle picture which was them during war, their spirit is fully present.  They are in the here and now.  They are aware.  They are very conscious and alert.  There is a light in their eyes that is not present in the other photos.  They.are.alive.  They are not shying away from confrontation.  That focused look you see in their eyes, that is the look of Aries.  Shit is real.  The after photos, you can see how each person as an individual, is trying to handle going back to living as a civilian.  Being surrounded by people who didn’t go through what they went through and so they can’t understand what they are experiencing.

When you go through something that intense, and then come back to people whining and complaining about stupid shit that doesn’t really matter in life, it’s hard to continue to stay present in your body.  It’s hard to process your own emotions and feelings because you don’t have anyone who really gets what you went through, so you end up feeling alone and isolated.  Aries.  Self.  The Lone Warrior.  You go from knowing minute by minute what is most important and cutting the rest of the bullshit out, to listening to politicians go on and on about stuff that doesn’t match reality and bombarded with all these commercials trying to convince you that their shit is super important and you need it.

Back in the day when indigenous cultures still held rituals that marked different stages in our lives, there was a whole process and ritual around the returning warriors.  There was story telling.  There was recognition.  There was a period of re-integration back into their community.  They were held with honor and respect for what they had been through.  Our warriors are now kicked to the side and left to pick up the pieces of their lives on their own.  They’re told that there’s nothing wrong with them and to suck it up.  Because people disagree with the politics of what is happening, they take their frustration out on the individual soldiers instead of the ones actually responsible for the war.

Which brings me to the question of why we still have war in this day and age.

The main obstacle that I personally see for why we still have war, is that the ones who make all of the policies and decisions, are all lost in the shadows of Libra-hood.  They have become too disconnected from reality, from the common people.  They no longer understand how their choices and decisions are really affecting those of us on the ground.  They hold the power and the money.  They can make a lot happen with so little effort.  They’re caught up in their own little power plays between each other.  They know how to play “the game” to get their way.

Then you have the people.  Who have all been thrown into survival mode by the really shitty and selfish choices of the powerful who are all playing games with our lives.  I would venture to say that humanity as a whole is in survival mode (Uranus is currently transiting Aries . . . the planet that represents humanity in the sign of survival), except the people in power don’t want anyone panicking . . . so they keep pretending like everything’s okay.  Just like how the soldiers are told that they’re fine and to suck it up, the general populace is really feeling the pain . . . but they’re being told they’re fine.

That leads to repression of that Aries fire.  That fight.  That energy that causes something new to rise up and come into being.  The Western World’s Aries fight energy has been repressed.  Nature must have balance.  So what we’re seeing, is The Middle East acting out the Aries energy that we’re repressing.  The Western World is seeing their shadow be played out in the Middle East.

The micro and the macro.  The individual represses their animalistic tendencies, and their partner ends up acting them out.  The country represses their animalistic tendencies, another country will be forced to act them out.

However.  Having said that . . . the Aries shadow is in it’s impulsiveness and unawareness of others.  I’m sure most of you have seen what we call in the US, rednecks, getting ready to just grab their guns and go shoot up the enemy.  There’s an incredible amount of ignorance going on in the Aries spectrum.  You shoot first, ask questions later.  You can’t have that kind of person making decisions for the country.  They’re only aware of their way and screw anyone who is different from them.  They do not care what your side of the story is.  This is how this is and that’s just how it’s going to be.

So there is obviously a gap here.  We have the rich and powerful living way too distant from real life, and we have the poor and trying to survive folks who aren’t really interested in the greater good . . . just “getting theirs”.  There needs to be something to bridge the gap.

Which brings me back to the changes I’m going through right now.  I have that emphasis in 1st house, Aries, & Mars.  I’m most definitely one of the “peasants”.  But I’ve been doing a LOT of observing and learning and understanding of the world and it’s ways and why things are like they are during my life.  And now there’s a new emphasis suddenly in my astrology in regards to all of that Libra energy on my ascendant (solar return, lunar nodal return).

I can feel it working hard inside of me trying to bridge that very gap.  I swear I can almost see it, almost make sense of it all.  That blended energy of Aries clarity with Libra temperance.  An awareness of reality, along with needing to be aware of how different decisions affect people of many different lifestyles and cultures.  I feel the information I’ve collected throughout my life starting to form and take shape.  And it’s strongly related to this energy axis.

But I don’t need to figure it out for the whole world.  I only need to figure it out for myself and live from there.  And then let everything else take care of itself.

Getting All Growed Up

For the most part, my life has stayed relatively the same for several years.  Same job, same apartment, same day-to-day routine more or less.

I’ve had big stuff happen such as my son being hospitalized, getting engaged, the breakup with the fiancé, my girl kitty dying . . .  but nothing actually fundamentally changed.  Ok, maybe inner growth blah blah blah, but it doesn’t *feel* like change to me when my daily routine is basically undisturbed.

But I have some big changes happening astrologically which have been rumbling and shaking the ground from under my feet.  One, I only know about thanks to Aries Introvert, who pointed out that I have a lunar nodal return coming up in July.  That happens once every 18.6 years . . . that’s a HUGE deal.  Learning that helped make sense of an underlying tension I’ve been feeling start to come on recently.  My Solar Return alone couldn’t account for the bigness of what I’m feeling happen.  I also recently, at the beginning of the year, had transiting Uranus cross my ascendant . . . but that’s just become par for the course for me.

However, what is super interesting to me, is just how similar my Solar Return and Lunar Nodal Return are, emphasizing everything.  Okay, I wasn’t planning on it, but I truly feel visuals help so I’m going to go grab those charts and brb.

. . .

Okay so here are the charts for easy reference (using the Koch house system).  My natal, my Solar Return, and Lunar Nodal Return.

Natal NN Reference

Natal

2014 Solar Return

2014 Solar Return

2014 Lunar Nodal Return

2014 Lunar Nodal Return

Okay, so take special notice of my natal lunar north node which is circled at 23 degrees Libra.  Look at my rising sign for my 2014 Solar Return.  23 degrees Libra.  My rising sign for my lunar nodal return?  Libra.  Conjunct what?  The 23 degree Libra north node.

Btw, a solar return is a snapshot of the heavens in the current year on the moment that the sun returns to the exact same degree as your birth.  It gives you an idea of what you’ll be working on for the year.  A lunar nodal return is under a similar premise, it’s when the transiting nodes return to the same exact place they were when you were born and gives you an understanding of a bigger cycle in your life that lasts approximately 18.6 years.

There are two things in particular that have been at the foremost of my awareness today that I can totally see how it fits here.  1) Uranus in Aries in the 6th house for both returns 2) Libra rising/Aries descendant in both returns.

The Uranus (sudden change) in Aries (new) in the 6th house (day-to-day work) is pretty apparent in my life.  I *suddenly* found out that my job of 5 1/2 years was most likely ending at the end of June . . . and before I had too much time to panic, I *suddenly* had a new job.

But what’s maybe not so apparent, is that *suddenly* I can’t seem to keep astrology out of my blogs.  Astrology is ruled by Uranus.  Aries relates to the individual self.  6th house is also known as the house of healing & service.  My blog is more or less a part of my daily life.  I suppose it could technically count as a service, but I suppose that depends on whether it actually helps anyone or not, but at minimum it’s a tool I use along with astrology in helping to heal myself as an individual.  So perhaps with that in my Lunar nodal return, this will start becoming a bigger part of my life going forward.  Who knows?  Aries is *new* and Uranus is innovative . . . so it may even be stuff I haven’t thought up yet.

Point being, my work life going forward is going to be anything but dull.

Now to the Libra/Aries bit.  In my natal I’m an Aries rising and I have a mountain of 1st house emphasis including an Aries Mars & Venus.  With all this Libra switch-a-roo going on in my return charts, I’m experiencing the Aries & Libra energy in a new way, and I have to say I’m pleasantly surprised with the understanding I’m gaining.

The biggest thing is that I’m feeling this switch in me of approaching life from a view of survival, into one of more purposeful choices.  For example, the lease on my apartment is going to end in a month or two and I’m considering looking for a new apartment that is closer to town.  In the past, this meant finding the least expensive apartment I could find that had the bare minimum for me to survive off of.  It wasn’t so much about what I wanted, as it was about I was going to learn how to like whatever I could find.

But this time I’m like, “Hey, let’s not be so hasty.  Let’s see what cool things are available that maybe aren’t necessities, but would perhaps enrich my life some more.”  Aries –> Libra.

Or even about my job.  I had more of a feeling of not wanting to just take the first thing available just to make sure I had work, so much as I was starting to think about my career choice as something that I get to have a say in what I do.  Now, I *did* take the first job I walked into (that damn Aries in the 6th house) however it’s because it was something new and was exactly what I *was* looking for.

I still plan on continuing my mission of understanding my skills/talents and taking more of a purposeful & calm approach to the decisions I make in my life.  I don’t need to rush it anymore.  I don’t need to go into “scared rabbit mode” when these big changes happen in my life.  I can take more time to bounce around ideas about what I really want in life to make my life better, instead of strictly surviving.  Again, that’s the difference between the Aries/Libra axis.

The biggest surprise I think for me so far, is that I am starting to understand the whole concept of ‘long-term goals’.  From an Aries rising standpoint, you’re just trying to fucking survive.  *That’s* your long term goal.  Why plan ten years down the road when you don’t even know if you’re going to be alive then?  It’s like one thing at a time please!  🙂

But when you have the luxury of leisure (Libra), then it’s like what’s the rush?  Let’s think about this.  Let’s see what’s possible before we rush into anything.

And that’s a completely new thing for me.  It’s quite a transition in fact.  The whole concept of my whole existence not being based solely off of trying to keep from dying.

Aries is raw material and Libra is the refined material.

So that got me thinking about how now the descendant is showing as Aries.  I’m going to have more people who are in the survival mode coming into my life.  Now, I still have a natal Aries rising, so that still rattles my memories of living in perpetual fight or flight.  But I also have Mars and Venus in Aries.  Libra is ruled by Venus.  So all this new Libra emphasis, still points to my Venus (and Mars since they are both on the exact same 26th degree) . . . but it’s a softer and more refined Venus/Mars that I’m feeling.

I look back on my life and it’s been one big mess of ‘please god, just let me live through this’.  But something else I’m noticing . . . I also used all of those really tough times in my life as opportunities to try something new (Aries).  I challenged myself to not use misfortune in my life as an excuse for failure.  So with an abundance of will power (Aries), I not only got through those endless insane moments in my life, but I learned how to transcend them.  I just knew in my heart, that there was a way to still live in joy even while total insanity was breaking out around me.  A new way of being.

 Now I look at these returns and even at what’s happening right now in my day-to-day life and it’s kind of starting to dawn on me what exactly is happening at this time in my life.  I’m switching roles completely.  I *am* seeing the people around me struggling more and more as shit starts to hit the fan for the general public.  I recognize the eyes in the headlight look that I used to always have.  But that’s no longer me.

Not because stuff stopped happening to me, hell no!  In fact, if anything, it’s been ratcheted up to unbelievable levels.  But when I remember and start putting into practice all of the things I learned in all of my years of struggle and survival, I transform (pluto) into a place of peace and calm (libra) within myself and I’m able to effortlessly navigate ‘the slings and arrows of misfortune’.  I begin to encompass my natal 7th house into myself (which includes my Libra north node) along with my 1st house of Aries Self . . . and reconcile the paradox of duality on that axis (Gemini).

In short, I become the living example or model of the accumulation of all that I’ve learned and have overcome.  And by simply living it, being it, being myself- I am giving that knowledge and information to everyone I come into contact with, even when I don’t speak a word.  I don’t need to preach or lecture. (Although I’m never going to give up talking.)  I simply live it with all my heart.

Living my life out loud, is the value I add to the world.  My life does matter.  I do count.

I truly believe that every person does count.  But I think too often we look for traditional markers of success such as a fancy title or having a lot of money or even at times trying to prove our worth with over-kindness and charity work.

What if the best gift we could offer the world, was ourselves whole-heartedly?  I think the worst that could be said of someone doing that is:

mad fire

Death To The Popcorn Eating Shadows!

Do you know how when you really want to do something and you’re all excited about it in your head and maybe even your stomach, and you’re living it out in your imagination and “Wooo! It’s going to be so awesome!” and you’re getting totally pumped up about doing it . . . and then you think of someone in your life that you’d *like* to share it with but based on the feeling of the response from the last 50 times you’ve asked them to do something similar . . . all of your enthusiasm deflates like a popped balloon animal?

Yeah, me too.

Or how about, when you get a burst of inspiration and all these thoughts and idea come into your head and you’re like “OMG! Why didn’t I think of this sooner?!” and you come busting through the living room, excited to share your brilliance with the world while simultaneously making a list of all the things you’re going to need to do or get in order to bring this brilliance into existence as a favor from you to everyone else . . . but it gets met with less than excited looks on people’s faces?

“Boooo!”

If you’re hard-headed like me, then you’ve probably continued to do this over and over until one day you realize that you can’t even bother to get excited about it yourself.  You no sooner think of something that makes you excited or happy, and this ‘reality trend analysis’ races ahead in your imagination and sees that it always ends up in disappointment and decides to automatically throw the kill switch before you can even get it started.

Other, less hard-headed people, figured out long ago that when it’s something that is important to you or makes you happy but others don’t approve or support it . . . that you keep that shit to yourself and don’t share it with them.  Don’t feed your joy to the killjoys!

But I’ve got a problem.  I share.  I share a lot.  I show my cards at the beginning of the hand.  I’m all “Here’s what I have!  What do you guys all have?!” which is returned with murderous looks thrown in my direction.  People take “Go Fish” way too seriously.  Sheesh.

People have more than one way of letting you know they don’t approve of something.  So someone *might* be saying out loud in words, “Oh my gosh, that is so wonderful, I’m so happy for you!” But they’re being a liar liar pants on fire and you can tell from the tone or tension in their voice or maybe their body language or maybe even just from a feeling you’re getting.  It just doesn’t feel or sound sincere to you.

You may pass it off, or just go with it because I mean, who cares you’re in a good place within yourself because obviously you have *happy* news you just shared.  But something in you picks up the insincerity at some level, and it sits there in the shadows eating popcorn watching this all unfold, rubbing it’s buttery hands together evilly because it knows one day it’s time will come.

Evil Popcorn

When it happens to you enough times and with enough people, you’ll start finding yourself avoiding those people or not wanting to share good news with them or maybe even not be excited about the news yourself.  By this point there is an accumulation of those evil buttery handed party poopers in the shadows who are whooping it up because the one has become the many and they’re starting to gain power and have a say on your attitude in life.

Popcorn Gulls

Over time, these little things can suck and drain the life right out of you.  Kids, this is what happened to grown-ups and why they are so serious about everything and boring.  It’s a disease you catch as you age.  (Gawd, I hope there are no actual kids reading my site with me and my sailor’s mouth!)

What this also brings up for me are things like *secrecy*.  Why people lie.  Why people are SO blind to their own bullshit.  Why people can become so controlling.  Why people can be easily fooled if you say one thing, but do another.

“I know you don’t want me to do this, but I really want to so I’m going to do it anyways.  I don’t want your guilt trips or lectures, so I’m going to do some jedi mind tricks on you so that you can’t see I’m doing it, but we’ll be able to continue being friends/peaceful family member/mate.”

Now, the thing is . . . it’s not that people don’t notice, but as long as nobody says anything about it out loud then everyone *pretends* it didn’t happen.  When everyone pretends it didn’t happen, it actually becomes very hard for anyone to recall it later or even remember that it happened.

If you start doing that long enough in your life and for enough things . . . you start to not notice these covert things.  You start becoming oblivious to all kinds of things going on around you.  If you go your whole life like that and then one day you ever start to unravel that shit . . .

My-Life-Grumpy-Cat-Meme

It’s like cats.  Cats are going to do what the fuck they want to do.  You can tell them no, and maybe they’ll stop doing it.  In FRONT of you.  I have heard a million stories about owners thinking they’ve tamed their cat only to walk in and catch the cat in the act.  The cat is just being true to it’s nature.  The owner is just in serious denial thinking they can control the cat.

Now you can try breaking a cat’s spirit in order to gain control over it against it’s own will and needs, to show that you are a superior being in your own mind’s eye, and continue living in your deluded world that you have total control and dominion over your environment.  But then you’re just a fucking asshole and need a good punch to the face.

No popcorn

Or.  You can make an effort to try and understand the whole reality of what’s going on in the situation and diffuse it from the root instead of fucking up your spiritual and energetic shit beyond recognition or help.

Animals don’t have agendas like “Today, I must piss off my human.”  They do things because there is a reason.  Something is causing it.  It might even be you.  It might be another family member.  It might be a health issue.  Maybe they were abused.  Maybe, it’s because a need of theirs isn’t being fulfilled. <gasp!>   There’s always a solid reason.  But if you’re totally oblivious to your environment or your own shit . . . then you’re going to keep blaming and taking it out on the animal.

So why do I do stupid things like yell out what’s in my hand and share?  Because I do not wish to be oblivious to myself or my life or to other people’s bullshit.  It initially puts me at a disadvantage because until I eventually figure out what’s in everyone else’s hand, people use my straight-forwardness to their advantage.  I get used as a scapegoat.  I am made to feel guilty and ashamed.  I’m talked down to.  I’m ridiculed, laughed at, and made fun of.  Called names.  Talked about behind my back.

But do you know what?  During all of that shit storm . . . everyone is showing me and everyone else all of their cards.  By the time I get to the last card in the last player’s hand, there isn’t anywhere for anyone to hide.  And finally everyone gets to see their own bullshit, and to be perfectly honest?  It’s ALWAYS a relief.

Because we are ALL so sick of the bullshit.  We are all becoming so sick of our own bullshit and everyone else’s, but we’re wrapped up so tight in it that we can no longer see our way out of it.  We want out, but where’s the fucking EXIT sign?

Popcorn Thief

I’ll tell you –>  Stop having tolerance for your own bullshit and get yourself cleaned up.  Which when you do that, you’ll start understanding why shit’s so messed up and how the things you do cause your own problems down the road.

Then you’ll naturally stop having tolerance for other’s bullshit and start insisting that they hold themselves to a higher standard as well.  We need to be visited by a plague of Truth instead of this widespread disease of popcorn eating shadows.

Btw, not putting down popcorn.  I love popcorn.  Especially with salt and butter.  Popcorn’s the best.

Nom Nom Popcorn

Putting The Person Back In Personal

So it looks like it’s about that time where I’m going to have to start interviewing for jobs again.

Which holds so many levels of personal terror, that I can’t even.

It brings up all of my insecurities.  It triggers my survival mode which then commences the “worst possible scenarios” loop sequence in my mind’s eye over and over.  I start living in my own personal theater of hell.

I try to push through it with things like . . . well like breathing for starters.

But this morning when I got up to start writing in my journal, I found that I was absolutely tired of living in this fear surrounding this area of my life.  And the only way I know how to truly conquer a fear of mine, is to face it head on with eyes wide open.

I get in it’s personal space and I stare it straight in the eyeball.

So while writing I asked myself why?  Why is this scaring me to death?  Why does it always scare me to death?  Why do I avoid really seeing and understanding this whole area of my life?

{Staring at it.}

The great thing about truly being done with your own bullshit, is that your questions become more direct and clear . . . and so do your answers.

I hate the whole process (job hunting) from start to finish, because I have no clarity or understanding about my own skills.  I have no clarity in my own skills because my entire career has been built from approaching jobs in a “I just need a job to survive and support my family” kind of way, and then I make myself find reasons to love the jobs I receive so that I excel at them and so that I can continue to support my family.

My focus has always been on what was easily apparent and noticeable about my skillset or previous jobs, that would be enticing to other companies.  Basically, “What do you want to hear?”  Because I *know* I can do whatever job I get.  All I’m trying to do is find ways to help the prospective employer understand that as well.

So I never actually dove into my own personal interests.  I never took time to understand for myself what things I’m actually good at or what it is that I really want to be doing or focusing on in my career.  It never occurred to me that maybe I’ve gathered enough skills and knowledge in the last twenty years or so, that this is now an option.

This old perception, which began when I was a teenager, has always left me feeling powerless and at the mercy of others.  I was always grateful for whatever I got.  I always worked myself to death to prove they had made a good decision in choosing me.  It’s truly an awful feeling and not the best perspective to live life from.  I mean, I’m good while I have a job . . . but start threatening my job and I become a frozen statue of terror.

Like I said last week, it feels like it’s time for a change.

For me personally, what makes me feel confident and open, is knowledge.  Information.  Why does this whole area of my life scare me?  Because I do not understand myself in that capacity or in relation to others.  I do not truly comprehend or see what skills or value I bring to the table of life.  If I don’t have this information and I do not understand it, then 1) how can I effectively communicate it to a prospective employer and 2) how do I know what direction I want to go in my career personally?

Hence.  The TERROR.  AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

But now I see the issue.  And now I can see the solution.  And now I can see the backside of TERROR as it turns tail to start running from me.

So I grabbed one of my blank dream journals and made it my notebook in which I will use to focus my efforts in this endeavor.  I am going to start combing through my work experience, starting with my current job, and I’m going to start writing down what I can come up with.

But that’s not the whole problem, and in fact . . . that is a very small part of the problem for me.  The key thing missing from my understanding is “in relation to others”.  I do not understand how I compare or how I stand out as an individual from the rest of the 7 billion people.  So, I’m not just going to rely on myself for my quest.  I’m going to get out there and start asking *you* guys.

So heads up if you’re in my other networks. 😀 And don’t avoid me either.  I’m tenacious. Oh! {writes that down in notebook}

Now, when I say that I am going to be asking others.  I don’t mean I’m asking for them to tell me FOR me what I’m good at or what my skills are.  I’m not trying to be lazy about it.  I plan on coming up with my own perspective.  But what is incredibly valuable to me that I can’t get from myself, is how other’s experience me personally.

To clarify further (pay attention, this will be on the test), while interacting with me (job, Starbucks’s line, comments section) what do *you* personally feel or experience with me that stands out for you in your mind.  The key point being, what is your own personal experience.

Not how would you word *me* in your resume, or let’s think about what I *think*  Jenn values and focus my comment around that.  No . . . I mean, in your own self, in your own world separate from the opinions of the planet and the channel 9 news team . . . what about me, stood out for you personally that you appreciated?

Jenn, wtf does that even mean?  And omg are you trying to tell me how to give you feedback?  Why should I even give it in the first place?  What’s in it for me?  Acting like I owe you or something.  Shoot.  Homegirl be trippin.

I know! I know!

I’m always trippin.  It’s cool.  It’s how I move through life.

This is valuable to me, because it’s the only way I am personally able to understand how I stand out from the rest of the world.

And truth be told, I feel like the ability to connect at a personal level has become lost to our world.  More and more I feel people no longer understand what that actually means.  We don’t talk to people anymore, we talk at them.  We walk around with our guards up 24/7 to the point that even we ourselves no longer know how we personally feel about things anymore.

We are losing who we are as individuals in the process.

Personal feelings, perspectives, and experiences are valuable to everyone.  But from the moment we are born, we are told how to feel and see everything, based on other’s perspectives and experiences.  In school we are taught how to see the world from the perspective of some vague “them”.  We’re told that to get along in life, you better have the perspective of your employer.

At no point are we encouraged to understand who we are as an individual or guided to understanding how to best incorporate that gift we bring into the whole so that we may all benefit from it.

No . . . we insist on perpetuating the dysfunction for everyone FOREVER, because fuck the individual.

This approach and attitude, is killing humanity’s spirit as a whole.  We are all dying from it.  I don’t want to die from that.  I want to die from too much happy or by rainbow or something.  I don’t know, but I don’t want to die because of *this*.

I want to understand my gift as an individual and I want to find the best way to incorporate that into the current structure so that as many can benefit from what I have to offer as possible.

So . . . I have to start somewhere, and this is where I’ve decided to start it.

Okay wait, first I have to go pee, and then I’ll start.

 resume cat

Jenn’s Big Day Out (:

So I’ve been out and about in an effort to keep the momentum going in my “Live, damn you, live!” personal tour.

Last Sunday, I went to go see a movie. *At* the theater! I went to see Maleficent. And it was magnificent. I did not regret my choice in going at all. I may even go a second time.

Princess Maleficent

Friday, I stayed after work and had some wine with co-workers. A new friend and 4 new book recommendations later, I went home feeling happier than I had in a really long time.

wine dinner

Yesterday . . . yesterday I *may* have over-extended myself in my new-found enthusiasm. This is a typical Jenn-maneuver, so no big surprise there.

I went to the Starbucks near my house instead of the one in downtown because I wanted to purposely have to get out of my car and walk amongst the people instead of my usual drive-thru.

Star Fucks

While I sat waiting for my drink to be done, another customer was in such a rush that they didn’t bother to listen to the kind of drink being called, and slammed their straw into my Venti Iced Chai Tea Latte as the barista said repeatedly to the man, “Is your drink the Chai Tea?  The Chai Tea, is your drink the Venti Iced Chai Tea Latte?” until the straw stabber guy realized that oh, that’s not his drink.

I was sitting nearby texting and decided to keep on texting while I decided how I felt about some stranger stabbing his straw into my drink.

Wonder woman

I mean, he had that straw unwrapped for quite awhile before he tried to impregnate my drink with it and I don’t know what kind of hygiene habits this guy has.  But at the same time, is it really such a catastrophe that I’m going to make the barista make me a completely new drink because of it?

Avoiding the issue was the right decision, because when I looked back up, the drink was gone and a new one was being made.

dog starbucks

So I hopped back into my car and headed to my favorite little café gift shop in town.  In my head I was hoping to run into some old friends and it would lead into some sort of Bollywood music number.

Devdas

But the reality of it was that I just quietly walked around and bought a bunch of (awesome) things for myself and bought a pastry called a ‘Soul Roll’.  I did get to snag a half-hearted hug from a friend in-between her giving readings . . . so that’s *almost* like a Bollywood movie, right?

Next I had ran into the craft store next door because now I needed two frames for a couple of art pieces I had just purchased, as well as a hook to hang up the butterfly wind chimes I had also just bought.  This is where I just went nuts.  I *didn’t* measure the art pieces to know what size of frame to get . . . I just walked in and bought what I thought looked like the right size.

This was dangerous territory I was walking, folks.  You see, I hate . . . and I mean HATE having to return anything.  So much so that I just won’t do it.  If it doesn’t fit, or is the wrong size, or wrong whatever . . . it’s going to end up in the charity bin.  I hate having stuff I don’t use or want cluttering my house.  That’s how my world operates.  I also hate being wasteful.  So between all of these nuh-uhs of mine, I am *very* careful with what I purchase.

So here I am buying stuff I didn’t need for my absolute survival, which is quite a big day all on it’s own.  But then I was walking out of a craft store with these frames that might not even suit my purpose!  Just what kind of crazy path had I put myself on?

Motivate me

So, by this point I’m sitting in my car sweating.  Well, mostly because it was like a hundred thousand degrees out and I had decided to start texting ninja hugs to a few peeps, and it just couldn’t wait long enough for me to roll down windows.  When I get the urge to ninja hug text someone, I have to ninja hug text someone immediately!

But then to keep from dying because of the near heatstroke I suffered by doing that, I had to get back to a Starbucks stat.

starbucks brat

Then I realized that it helps even more if I put the AC on in my car.  I know that sounds like I’m trying to be funny, but I actually try to avoid the AC in the car if I can stand it because it has this smell that doesn’t go away for awhile even after you shut if off and it gives me a headache and then I become all dramatic and like I’m going to die and then I have to switch my ipod to one of my ‘contemplative’ playlists where Natalie Merchant is singing about ‘The End’ or Johnny Cash is all ‘Hurt’.

But it was incredibly hot and so the AC had to come on.  I get over to the town center shopping mall and no sooner do I park, when my friend Carmen called to give me a verbal ninja hug . . . which I said, “Well, now it’s just a verbal assault.”  I decided that it was best to stay in the car with the AC rather than face the Death Valley temperature happening outside.

Melting cat

We talked for like two hours!  Again, I need to put this in perspective.  I HATE talking on the phone.  I have this weird brain delay thingy when on the phone that makes it feel to me like the person is speaking a foreign language to me.  But just like the earlier insanity that had ensued, I was breaking my own rules.  The first few minutes I had to focus like a bomb squad trying to diffuse a ticking bomb . . . but then something switched (the bomb squad was successful?) in me and it was like I was listening from a different place in me and I was able to focus easier.  It was kind of nice.  The conversation itself was AWESOME!  All kinds of epic topics and zooming over a huge variety of things.  Just how I like it.

After I hung up, I didn’t want to waste a trip there so I got out to at least walk around the shopping center.  I love this shopping center during nice weather because it’s outdoors, which I used to think was really stupid for the Seattle area . . . but then global warming came and now we have mostly awesome weather and I was like, “Ah, never mind outdoor shopping mall.  You knew what you were doing.”

So I went for a stroll, and thankfully there was a wind to keep it pleasant.  I wandered into the game and puzzle store, because . . . I can never have too many puzzles.  Something to remember about gaming stores on hot days, and most especially when there is some sort of tournament going on inside, is that you have to brace yourself for the inevitable wall of body odor that is going to smack you upside your head when you walk in.  It’s just a part of life and something that you have to come to peace with inside of you.

I did find a puzzle.

And I also got to watch a parade of teenagers dressed in formal attire, nonchalantly walk around a shopping mall in broad daylight trying to act like they weren’t dressed in ball gowns and suits walking around a mall just to show off how good they looked.  And they did.  The dresses were super pretty.  I wondered if I had ever been that skinny.  I can only remember having a mom body at this point in my life.  {Shrug}

By the time I got to the car, I was starving.  I wanted good food and I did not want to have to cook it because . . . heat.  So I went to get some take out from a Thai place by my apartment.

Too much

Okay, the place is a little expensive . . . but they definitely don’t skimp on the portion.  I can easily squeeze 4 meals out of it for myself.  My son can make his last two . . . which is impressive.

I asked for a 2 star spicy . . . which is mild to medium.  My son gets 4 star because I think he’s trying to burn himself from the inside out.  However, both of our meals were pretty damn spicy.  I nearly cried the whole time I was shoveling the food into my mouth.  I was so bleeping hungry, but it was so bleeping hot that.

It required an immediate Twix ice cream bar to put out the fire in my mouth.

It was starting to get late, but I wanted to take care of the things I had bought earlier.  So I hung up my wind chimes.  I framed the two art pieces, and then hung them.

Self Reflection and Joy

Finished the laundry.  And then the cat was meowing for me to join him on the floor, until . . .

God knows how much time had passed before I realized I had just been staring blankly at this:

 Ceiling

With my feet like this:

Feets

Exhausted doesn’t even begin to express what I was experiencing.  I had no idea how exhausting it was trying to have fun.  I need to slow it down a bit until I build up a tolerance or something.  Until then, I’m going to have to balance it out with my usual recluse nature.

batcat

Speaking of which, it’s far past my bedtime.  Goodnight!

Are You Truly Done With Suffering?

There is a Truth.  A Divine Blueprint.

There are any number of ways to tell the story of the Divine Blueprint.

All considered True, as long as they retain the original structure of the Original Blueprint.

The closer it aligns to the Original, the more Pure and Whole it is.  The more it is considered Holy and Sacred.

So yes, there is a single Truth in this existence.  And there are many ways to perceive it.  Many paths to pursue it.

. . .

Anything that strays from the integrity of that Truth, is outside of what is Real.

Anything outside of what is Real, is the source of all of our pain and sorrow.

The closer you align to the Truth, to your own Original Blueprint . . . the one made specifically for you by Source itself . . . the special perspective that you were asked to hold of the One Truth . . .

That is what we know here as “healing”.

. . .

Only what is Real and True will heal you.

Only what is Real and True will fill that hole in you.

. . .

You can believe whatever you want to believe.

But if you’re still sick . . .

Unhappy . . .

In pain . . .

Confused . . .

Scared . . .

Then you are still holding onto a belief within yourself that is not true,

And you are still wounded, out of alignment with your Real Truth.

. . .

The very moment you surrender the belief you hold that is outside of what is Real . . .

You will find immediate relief from your suffering.

Immediate.

shakti_green tara

 

 

There Is Great Treasure To Be Found In Ancient Wisdom

I’m feeling a little quiet and worn down today.

But I was just thinking about how science is showing us how basically everything is made up of frequencies and vibrations.  Or sound.  Or . . . the “Word of God”.

And I was thinking about how in Quantum Physics we’ve learned that light switches between waves and particles, based on whether it’s being observed or not.  Or based on whether a person’s attention or awareness or consciousness is interacting with it.

Then I thought of how HUGE the planets are in comparison to us . . . and how each has it’s own frequency/vibration . . . like a fingerprint.  And radiates out that unique frequency/vibration just as an act of existing or being.  It’s at a level that is outside of our conscious awareness, but it’s still happening.

And THEN I thought about just how stupid it is for us to think that those frequencies and vibrations *don’t* effect us at some level.  When two things interact . . . *something* happens, there is a change.  It happens in physics and chemistry.  It happens in music . . . in harmonies, discord, etc.

Everything is just atoms vibrating in various patterns to form solidity . . . or what appears to be solid.

And how everything cycles . . . just like the gears of a watch, to the point that if you observed long enough, you could start seeing a pattern.  When *this* vibration interacts with *that* vibration . . . the results seem to always be of *this* nature.  After thousands of years of compiled observation and knowledge . . . you could have a pretty good idea about the pulse of the nature of things.

This all makes perfect sense to me.

So then I wondered why astrology has been thrown into the pot as being for simpletons or the superstitious.  It seems to me that it’s a type of science like any other, based on extensive observation and trial and error in order to try and understand the world in which we live.  Science came about in an attempt to better understand spirituality, or the nature of the world in which we live . . . not replace it.

Astrology takes a wide variety of skills and disciplines in order to use it effectively.  It’s not for someone who doesn’t use their brain.  It’s not for someone who doesn’t use their heart.  It’s not for someone who doesn’t have a love and passion for it, because it takes immense dedication and a lot of patience before your effort starts to pay off.  You pretty much have to become obsessed with it in order to really start understanding and gaining the reward of what information is *really* being handed down.

But the perception of astrology in this day and age, is almost solely based on people reading their weekly sun sign horoscope in their newspaper.  An immense wealth of wisdom, being judged on something so completely superficial and trivial.  Which basically sums up our modern society.  It’s so tragic, it’s almost hilarious.

Did you know at one point it used to be considered irresponsible for a doctor to try and treat a patient without using astrology.  And from what I’ve come to understand about it, I actually agree.  At least the use of the understanding that comes with *why* the human body becomes afflicted like it does and how it can be connected to a mixture of incoming vibrational influences, as well as conscious will and the choices we make for ourselves.

The ancient knowledge that we are so quick to dismiss and close ourselves off to, holds treasure troves of information that we’ve forgotten about ourselves and the nature of the universe.  Perhaps our ancestors didn’t understand the mechanics or wisdom behind why it worked like it did, but that doesn’t make it any less true or any less valuable.

funny-baby-drawing-walls-bed

Little Girl Giggling

Do you know what felt really good about doing yesterday’s post?

I got to express my feelings.  MY feelings.  My only thought when writing yesterday was, “What do I feel inside my heart?”  I wasn’t thinking about how it might make someone else feel.  I wasn’t thinking about what others might think of me.  I wasn’t trying to curb or hide my feelings so that others didn’t become concerned about my state of mind.  I simply expressed my very own feelings that I get to have and feel and hug.

Mine, mine, mine.

It feels really good to get to have and express feelings without judging them.  Without having to act on them.  Without having to defend or explain them.  Without worrying about someone else trying to take responsibility for them, or fix them, or try and tell me why I should or shouldn’t be feeling them.  {Big sigh of relief.}

They weren’t based on trying to skirt psychological criteria for various mental disorders in an attempt to not look psycho, crazy, or like I’m having a breakdown.  They weren’t based on an agenda or ulterior motives.  They weren’t any kind of attempt to make a point or model anything.  There was no focus on consequences, potential outcomes, or effects of my words.

They were purely and simply the feelings I was feeling in my heart.

Here’s the post btw, if you’re interested:  What Is In My Heart

It was freeing.  Moon in Sagittarius –> A need to feel free to feel what I feel.

Do you know what kind of sucked about yesterday’s post?

The absolute silence surrounding it.

Nobody was going to touch that post with a ten foot pole, fluff you very much.

I swear to god I could almost hear everyone stop breathing at once, and very carefully try to tip toe away without being noticed . . . that’s how bad the silence was.

I don’t even understand it, I never have.  This is quite common for me, btw.  I open and share my heart, and people scatter like cockroaches do when a light gets switched on.  While in the past it has led me to doubt my own feelings or wonder if something is wrong with me . . . anymore I’m very sure about what I feel deep inside me and I know there’s nothing wrong with it.

I can’t help but get the feeling that others are more focused on what I’m expecting in response from them, then they are about what it is they feel themselves.  Almost like people assume or think that I’m looking for comfort, help, love, advice . . . as if I’m something that is broken or in need of fixing.

Except . . . I’m not.  Unless I’m specifically asking for help or advice, that is not my reason for sharing things.  I just need to feel what I’m feeling, and I also have a need to share what those feelings are.  I don’t need help or advice because in the act of feeling and sharing what I do, it clears the situation for me and then I know exactly what I need to do.

What would be AWESOME, although I’m certainly not going to force anyone, would be if others would share what THEY are feeling inside.  I don’t need to know what you think or feel about what I wrote . . . what did it evoke and make YOU feel?  It doesn’t even have to be related.  If, while reading my post, it evoked an emotion or memory of your own and it doesn’t even seem related . . . share that!

When you truly share what you’re feeling without trying to explain it, or feel sorry for it, defend it, etc. . . . it feels magnificent!  It feels like a huge weight is taken off of you.

I don’t WANT people to praise or pay credence to my awesomeness (unless they truly feel it and that’s what they want to do).  What I want is for people to be able to feel and own their very own feelings.  Don’t make it about me or others.  Make it about you.  Relish in your feelings!  Roll around in them like a pig in manure.  Don’t judge them or try to see them as good or bad or try to see the other side or feel you have to justify them.

Just FEEL what you truly feel inside!

Feeling what you feel inside means focusing on just your feelings unattached to what anyone else thinks or feels.

With my Gemini Sun/Jupiter conjunction, I’m very mercurial in nature.  What I feel will change from minute to minute.  It’s where I shine.  With those two things in opposition to my Neptune/Moon conjunction in Sagittarius (a link to my natal chart here if you’re an astrologer and interested:  astrology) my feelings are all over the place.  That is both where I am at home and where I shine.  I must be allowed to feel whatever I’m feeling without it being a huge fluffing deal, or I will suffer greatly in health.

They flow through me.  They come and go.  While they are there . . . I express them . . . when it’s time for them to leave, I let them go.  This is as natural to me as breathing . . . and yet on paper it looks like I’m a mental bi-polar case.  That’s not seeing me for who I am . . . that’s being afraid of who I am and trying to control it or change it.  Just because it makes others uncomfortable (especially Capricorn energy), doesn’t mean it’s bad or wrong or needs to be repressed or changed.  That’s a limited and narrow way of viewing life.

Mercury is the trickster.  Anyone with Gemini or Virgo energy has this kind of nature in them, and I’m sure struggle in a similar way as I do.  Mercury is the understanding that nothing is permanent, and also that nothing should be taken so seriously.  This is in direct conflict with Pluto/Scorpio/8th house, where everything is deadly serious.  Everything is dead still.  What something is for one moment, is that way F O R E V E R !!!!!!!!

Mercury is all . . . “No.”

Gemini is about laughing at ourselves and not taking ourselves so seriously.  It’s about seeing paradoxes and contradictions in all of life.  Libra focuses more on moderation and balance between duality . . . Gemini is able to fly through, around, and between them like a master gymnast and is very comfortable there.  Like kids.  Kids are very Gemini in nature . . . very curious, very in wonder and in awe of the simplest things around them because it’s all new.

Kids say the darndest things . . . because they’re said in innocence.  They aren’t in a dark serious adult mood . . . they’re just saying what they’re actually seeing or observing in the environment around them.  “Why? Why? Why? But how come?” is Gemini.  The only absolute in the world of Gemini is that there are no absolutes.  If you try to pin them to any one thing or say, “but you said this and now you said this”, you will get nowhere with them.  Their response is most likely to be, “but in that moment I was feeling this and in this moment I’m feeling this . . . they are two different situations.”

It’s about being in the moment and being flexible.  It’s a constant state of opening to receive the moment . . . experience that moment (observe, watch, learn all you can about it while it’s there) . . . and then releasing that moment because you need to be open to receive the next moment coming in.  It is entirely possible to live in this way . . . in a conscious way . . . and have everything work out like magic without worrying or forcing things to be a certain way.  But it makes those who aren’t comfortable with this way of living . . . very, very, nervous.  And their nervousness about the Gemini’s way of being . . . makes Gemini feel very nervous about themselves.

So for me, this is all about getting to my true feelings (Sagittarius moon) and sharing with others (Gemini Sun).  If I have any intent, it’s in others sharing their true feelings (or even trying it out for the first time) and also sharing it with others (or trying it out for the first time).  Not about judging or psychoanalyzing (Pluto in Libra . . . conjunct my descendant) or even trying to help others with their feelings.  The point is just to even be aware of our OWN feelings and getting comfortable in sharing them despite other’s judgment and projections and analyzing.

I’ve done those things to others in the past . . . why? Well, because others were always doing it to me when I was younger.  I was just trying to be silly, playful, mimicking Gemini . . . but holy hell were the things I did taken so seriously and taken so completely out of context.  What I did wasn’t seen in innocence, but always as if I were some guilty master mind manipulator.  So I thought everything was much more serious than it really was, and that my feelings weren’t as innocent as I really felt inside . . . and it led to me disconnecting from my true self.

Well I’m reconnecting.  I’m going to feel what I feel and I’m going to share what I feel, even though it goes against everything we’ve been led to believe as a culture and society.  Even if I’m the only one who believes in my innocence and my mental stability.  Even if I’m left alone in my open heart sharing (which does hurt my feelers, btw) because nobody else is brave enough to do the same.

I hate being left alone.  But at least when I’m being true to myself and being who I am in all of my mercurial, open-hearted, silly, paradoxical ways . . . I’m truly happy and joyful in life.  Which is a lot more than I can say for the majority of humanity.

Here’s the way to read my posts whenever you start taking what I’m saying WAY too Life/Death serious . . . pretend there is a little girl hiding in plain sight (such as behind a sheer curtain with her legs poking out) . . . with her hands covering her mouth trying to stifle her giggles because she thinks she’s being way more clever than she is, but is having fun regardless.

That’s all that needs to be understood about me . . . I’m a silly . . . mischievous . . . giggling little girl at heart.

What Scorpio thinks of Gemini's flexible reality.

What Scorpio thinks of Gemini’s flexible reality.

Day Two Of Not Giving A Damn . . . No Mercy

Day two of not giving a damn . . . and I feel GREAT!

They should bottle this shit up and market it.

Here’s the soundtrack for today’s post courtesy of Lea Michele, Cannonball:

If you’re in a stick in the mud kind of mood and don’t want to listen to it, the gist of the song is about getting broken down and wondering if you aren’t losing your mind and then a moment comes when you’re just like . . . fuck it.  I’m getting out and going to start living my mother fluffin life.  And then fly gracefully like a cannonball.

O.o  Sounds like my kind of grace.  “I’m a swan!” . . . “No you’re not, you’re a big hunk of round metal.” or whatever cannonballs are made out of.

This staying in my own emotions is so  f r e e i n g!!  So much chatter and clutter and worry in my head has vanished.  It’s just . . . *p o o f* magically gone.

I just want to keep hugging myself saying, “Ohhhhhhhhhhh yooooouuuuuuu!  I LOVE you so much!  You’re so snuggly and warm and adorable like some sort of kitten teddy bear hybrid!”  I feel like I’ve just been reunited with my long lost best friend.

Gemini.  We’re our own best friend.

There’s been speculation that I possibly had a twin in the womb.  I even had a dream which led me to a spontaneous *memory* of having been in the womb and my twin dying and leaving me alone in there and all of the resulting trauma of absorbing said twin.  (Horrifying doesn’t even begin to describe it.)

So who knows?  Maybe I really am my own . . . uh . . . twin.

Anyways, it feels good to be coming back up from the abyss.  That place is the pits!  Am I right? {nodding head, looking around for validation}

On my walk this morning, I actually started to mouth the words to the song I was listening to without realizing it.  Do you know what that means?  I wasn’t feeling self conscious out in public!  That is OUTSTANDING!!!

I’m not thinking about what other people are thinking or wondering about me at all!  I just feel good in myself and it’s starting to just shine outward instead of other’s influences pushing inward into me.

It feels so great to allow myself to get to feel whatever it is I’m feeling without needing a reason.

It’s leading to spontaneous singing like a song bird, and busting into dance moves while standing in line at Starbucks.  And the smiling!  OMG!  Smiling is taking over my face!  My face is like “WHAT IS GOING ON?!  It hurts!”

I just feel happy and excited about whatever I’m doing.  My whole world is beginning to open back up.  The sun is coming back out.  Laughter and light is returning to my life.

Who knew?  Who knew it was as simple as that?  Letting other’s be responsible for their own feelings, and only being responsible for mine.  Obviously this is my own secret sauce mix, and isn’t the answer for everyone (or maybe even anyone) else.  But the simplicity of the switch and the bigness of the effect is blowing my mind.

Okay.  So that’s all for now.  I’m off to continue my being W o W e d by the world!

No mercy bunny

 

I’m Retiring From Giving A Damn

I’ve had it.  I’m just done.  {With what? Tell us!  Tell us!}

I’m tired of analyzing things to death.  I’m tired of trying to figure out how to be me, but not break any of the fifty-eleven “rules” of what it means to be a considerate and respectful member of the human race, and tying myself into pretzel knots from head to toe.

Am I being offensive? Am I being fair?  Am I being respectful?  Am I being sensitive?

Well how should I know?  I can’t know that for everyone else.  Honestly, it’s a little on the ridiculous side for me to have such expectations of myself.

I’m tired of explaining . . . I’m tired of clarifying . . . I’m tired of trying to guess what’s going on with someone else.

That’s what I’m done with.

So here’s what’s going to happen for me.  I’m going to focus on my own feelings.  I’m going to do what feels good.  I’m not going to do what doesn’t feel good.

If it offends, is insensitive, or hurts someone’s feelings . . . then whoever that is can choose to speak up and say something to me or not.

Otherwise, I’m not going to waste anymore of my time trying to figure out what I may have or have not done to someone else.

To be perfectly honest, I just don’t care anymore.

Do I speak too much, do I not speak enough, why do others go silent, why don’t they say what they’re feeling, is it me, is it them, is it projection, is it projected . . . it’s fucking crazy making is what it is.

So I’m done.

I’m going to do what I do, and how I want to do it.  If others care to join along in the fun, then awesome . . . if not . . . fine.

I love people and I love having them in my life.

But I’m no longer going to bend over backwards to be so understanding of everyone else, and totally neglect my own feelings.  That’s just stupid.

I suppose I was being concerned that if I was just being myself, that nobody would want to be my friend.  And again, that’s just stupid.  And again again, I just don’t care anymore.

I’m done apologizing for myself.  I am who I am and you can either like me for that or . . . you can piss off.

I.don’t.care.

I do what I want