To Love and Be Loved

I had an interesting experience last night that I would like to share.  I hope I am able to describe the subtle yet powerful impact it had on me.

It had been a long day.  I was in my room getting ready for bed (avoiding a book I’ve been reading because I didn’t want to stay up until 2am again).  I’ve had a lot of big life changes happening.  Every aspect of my life is in transition. Not a whole lot of “familiar” or certainty or stable ground.  Which I think is exactly the point.  Learning to find peace and steadiness within myself, even as chaos erupts around me.

I found myself just standing in front of my bookcase.  I was tired, and it felt good to just stand and zone out for a moment.  Something my son had made me when he was younger, caught my attention.  It was his name in black and red plastic letters.  Something *pinged* me inside my heart center and radiated out.  I was suddenly alert and paying attention, like I was waiting for an incoming message.

Then I looked next to the letters, and saw a wooden box my son had made at the same time.  Rubberbanded to the top was a paper that said, “Best mom ever!”  I felt something ping me again from inside and radiate out, only louder and with stronger feeling.  I was feeling the energy and air around me start to shift to one of holding a space for a *moment* that was currently in progress.

. . .

Then my attention shifted to a picture of my fiancé, Jay,  smiling at me.

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I felt the pinging and radiating feeling get bigger, stronger, and louder.

. . .

I looked again at the gifts from my son:

PING

. . .

Back to the picture of Jay:

Netherlands Aug 2012 159

. . .

. . .

And that’s when the full impact of the *moment* pulsed like a sledgehammer through my whole being.

In those pulses that were pinging and radiating out from me, I momentarily felt myself from the perspective of my son and Jay.  I felt as if I was in their body, looking out from their eyes and looking at me standing in front of them.  It was not a perspective that I have of myself at all.  I had never seen myself in this way.

I had a brightness around me, and I had the cheesiest grin on my face.  My world felt warmer, brighter, safer, more fun.  Things didn’t seem so bad after all.  I felt like maybe the world *was* a place worth being in.  I couldn’t stop myself from wanting to grin in response to seeing her… me.  I felt gratefulness for her… me, being in my/their life.  I could feel her/my love for me/them through them/me.  There was a plethora of emotions and feelings that I’ll never be able to put into words.

Then I experienced their world and what it would look like if I were to suddenly leave this world.  I was experiencing the difference between the two perspectives (their world with me in it, and then their world with me gone). . . because it was in that difference, that the full impact of how much I meant to them was realized.

I felt firsthand, their love for me.  And it brought me to my knees.  I was punched so hard that I bypassed the “tears welling up slowly” part, and went straight to the throes of a deep, throw up your insides, bawling.

I  knew that I was loved before, and that they love me.  But, what I experienced last night, makes what I *thought* was feeling loved… look like child’s play.  It was like I had gone from a world of black and white, to one of mind shredding, heart exploding, ego shattering Vibrant and Luminescent Colors.

They say in life, that the greatest thing is to love and be loved.

First, I learned how to Love myself.

Then I learned how to Love someone else.

Then I learned how to be Loved by another.

May each of us. . .every man, woman, and child know what it feels like to be Loved.