Feeling Like a Cat On a Leash

I’ve recently started taking my girl kitty, Raven, out on a leash.  As of June 04, she will be six years old and has been a strictly indoors cat (not including the times she ran out the door and got herself lost in the local neighborhood and caused me to cry so hard I nearly vomited).  While there is also a boy kitty in the house, Gir (pronounced GRRRR), he wants nothing to do with this crazy foolishness of willingly leaving a warm, cozy home with food, toys, and humans who cater to his every whim.

So what new level of crazy possessed me to try and take a cat out on a leash?  (I’ll wait for you to finish laughing first. . . )

Back in April, when me and my son went to go see Jay in The Netherlands, I took the cats to a cat sitter.  It’s a special place set up just for cats.  A cat motel, if you will.  This place also had a cat proof outside play area for them to go out if they wished.  So, long story short, Raven got a taste of the outdoors, and now she pines for the outside.

Problem is, as soon as she steps outside, she becomes freaked out and disoriented.  She’s an indoor cat, with an outdoor cat stuck inside of her.  She doesn’t understand it, all she knows is that she wants it with every fiber of her body.  Even though it scares the living shit out of her.

I happened to have a cat harness and leash because when I got them as kittens, I was delusional in thinking that was going to happen.  After finding it,  I got down on the ground with Raven and explained to her, that if she wanted a chance at going outside, she was going to have to suffer this harness.  And I’ll be damned if she didn’t stand there and let me put it on her.

This from a cat, who as a kitten weighing less than a pound, was able to wrestle her way out of getting her temperature taken.  Even while in a towel taco.  And two of us holding her.

So there she was, with a cat harness and leash standing at the front door looking hopeful at the door handle, and me standing there not knowing if I wanted to laugh or cry.  I have cats for a reason.  Namely, because they don’t need to be walked.  I’m lazy like that.

So fine.  I sucked it up and opened the front door.  But she’s doing this weird thing, where she lowers all of the way down on her haunches and belly to the ground.  Cats hate anything restricting their movement, so they get all weird about it and basically lay down.  As one owner put it, “it’s not taking them out for a walk, so much as taking them out for a drag”.  Ah, yes.  Now, I remembered why this didn’t work before.

At this point I’m standing there with my hand over my face and shaking my head.  What am I doing to myself?  This is so ridiculous.

But she must have seen a bird or smelled something good, because instinct or not. . . she was finding a way to make her way to the stairwell.  She looked like a miniature version of the cartoon pink panther as she slinked along the ground being all sneaky sneaky.  This was one determined cat.  Nothing, but nothing . . . was going to stop her from her dream.

Because I wasn’t going to watch her suffer down 3 flights of stairs, I picked her up and walked her down.  I got her to a grassy area free of any dogs, and let her have her moment.  I stood there patiently and gave her encouragement.  Since I was in broad daylight and visible to my neighbors, I figured I was in it for the long haul and just gave in to the crazy.

She was shaking like a leaf, just like she normally does when she’s outside.  But her determination was shining through.  She low crawled in a hurry to a place that was less open.  I kept talking to her gently that she was okay and that she just needed to get used to being outside and on a leash and that she was doing great.  Slowly but surely, she calmed down enough to explore and sniff a few things.  After about 15 minutes, she gave me a mew that sounded like, “I’ve reached my limit for now, please take me back inside.”

After we got back inside and I took off the harness, I let her know that she did wonderful for her first try.  Once free, she seemed awfully damn proud of herself.  She went prancing around the house like she was just given an award for kitty of the year.  Gir was pretty disgusted with her behavior and the attention she was getting from me.  Within an hour, she was meowling at the door to go back out.  I had created a monster.

I took her out again the next day and she adjusted more to walking with a harness.  By the 3rd day, we actually walked a full block with her pattering along side me like a happy puppy.

In the following walks, she met and greeted a puppy with no incident.  She learned to not scatter and run for the bushes every time a car passed.  She decided that she preferred the sidewalk to the grass and mud that got her paws dirty (maybe I influenced that, maybe I didn’t).

We were laughed at several times, and greeted with smiles and friendly chatter by others.  In a neighborhood full of dog owners, we were quite an odd sight to behold.

She would still shake like a leaf, and she would still hit a wall where she had hit her limit and would stop and give me the “please take me home” mew.  But she had done it.  She overcame her disorienting fear with determination and a need to do this thing that she wanted so badly.

I helped her, because I was familiar with her situation.  I have an outdoor cat stuck inside me too.  I wish to explore the neighborhood known as the world and satisfy my many curiosities.  I want to run free and frolic.  I know there are adventures to be had and things to chase and food to nom.  Trouble is, I’ve been an indoor cat my whole life. . . and getting into the wide open space scares the living shit out of me.

But I do it anyways.  One low belly crawl step at a time.

More Lead, Red Balloons Please.

Just in case I was trying to win a popularity contest, either consciously or subconsciously, I thought I’d write this post and end all chances of that happening.

But first, a little background regarding myself.  Like I said previously, I push myself to expand when I write these posts.  I’m also trying to find *my* voice underneath all of the harsh critics that rant in my head when I’m trying to write something that I know will be published.

“Is this really what *I* feel, or is this what I tell myself to play it safe or to be fair to everyone?”

Right now, I feel more of a need to be fair to me, and what I feel to be true inside of me.  I cannot express how hard this is for me to do.  We all have our inner battles we fight on a daily basis.  This is mine.  For whatever reason, whenever I’ve tried to express what I feel to be true for me, it is met with great opposition.  Minimized, ignored, overridden, dismissed, laughed at.  I went years hardly speaking at all, because I believed that the things I had to say were dumb, stupid, irrelevant.

It was my understanding, that everyone else was clued in to what was going on, and that I was hopelessly lost.  So I listened and observed.  Everything.  Decades of frantically trying to understand the world around me and my place in it before anyone caught on that I didn’t know what the fuck was going on.  Trying to understand how to vocalize my inner world, in a way that didn’t sound crazy or so that I wasn’t continually rejected every time I opened my mouth.  I’m not telling you this to call anyone out, or for anyone to feel ashamed.  I’m telling you so that you have some frame of reference for where I’m coming from.

I want to overcome this battle in me.  I want myself to know that the things I feel matter too.  That I cannot control how anyone responds to what I say, but that doesn’t mean that I should keep quiet from fear of it.  Or that what I feel is any less important than what others feel.  It is up to me to win this battle, not anyone else.  So, don’t feel you need to respond any other way, than how *you* truly feel.  In fact, I insist on it.  I prefer it.  Believe in me enough, to know that I will figure out how to handle it with grace in my own way and in my own time . . . and I will do the same for you.

But back to my impending social suicide.

People, we have an epidemic/hostage situation.  The country has been taken over by two perpetrators known as “think positive” and “you create your own reality”.

It has become a pretty serious situation.

Some of the consequences include (but are not limited to) denial, uninvited impromptu lectures, repression, oppression, obliviousness, unhappiness, disappointment, unkindness, coldness, division, holier-than-thou syndrome, deafness, passive aggressiveness, passive victimhoodness, apathy, avoidance, loss of sense of humor, political correctness insanity, and anal leakage.

Since these two perps have taken over, the world has gone to shit, despite their claims of making all of our dreams come true.  Scientists are baffled.

The crime they are being charged with, is trying to force humanity to fly. . . before they had learned how to walk.  And giving matches to children.  And painting the world in black and white. . . or only white (there’s no black if you don’t think about it).  And for being lazy and trying to skip completely over the whole “discernment” bother.

Don’t misunderstand what I’m saying.  I’m not ignorant of the situation.  I’m very clear on what is going on.

It may have started off well intentioned.  But it has now just become one more thing to slap each other in the face with.  And btw, I do believe in being optimistic, and I do believe in creating your own reality.

But, here’s where I enthusiastically and unapologetically start going over like a lead, red balloon:

Creating your own reality is a privilege that is earned, and a natural byproduct of having done the hard work of healing yourself.  They don’t just hand that shit out to anybody.  And guess what?  It means taking a long, hard, honest look at the parts of you that you don’t even want to acknowledge are there.  It means getting into the dirty, grimy, nasty, smelly cracks and crevices of your being . . . and bringing them to Light.

Humble yourself.

Forgive yourself.

Love yourself.

And not with the intention of finding a cracker jack prize at the end.  Because if you do it for any other reason than what is Real or True, you will *not* find what you are looking for.  You can fool your family, you can fool me, you can fool yourself, but you will not fool the Energy or whatever name you choose to call it by, that is in charge of and responsible for this process in this existence.  I don’t care how brilliant you think you are.

We all want to avoid what is considered negative or “bad” things in life.  They are most unpleasant, I agree.

But what if the gold you are looking for, is hiding within that darkness?  That the darkness is there, because it’s hiding the doorway out of the insane asylum.  That you must walk through it, in order to get off the hamster wheel?

And then, what if you knew, that the dark fog was nothing but smoke and mirrors.  That it has NO true power over you.  All that it can do is use your own shadows and weaknesses against you.  Whether you have acknowledged those fears or shadows in you or not. . . *It* knows what they are.  And that’s where only thinking positive and not acknowledging those things in yourself, can really fuck you up.  It will always have an advantage over you, and be one step ahead of you. . . forever dangling that carrot in front of you making you think you’re making progress… but naaaaaah, not really.

“Hahahahahahaha.  Noob.”, it says as it tosses another cheeto into its mouth.

This was the path required of me in this life.  It has been cold.  It has been dark.  It has been lonely.  It has been painful.  And I have suffered greatly.

But I have learned how to call on strength and courage, even when I’m ready to piss myself.  I am learning the value of All of my strong emotions.  I have learned how to dance in the Dark and how to sing while in Pain.  I know resilience.  The words Faith, Trust, and Openness mean something completely new to me.  I’ve learned how to open my Heart, even as my Personal Demons are charging straight towards me.

I value laughter.

I have seen the most beautiful things, in the darkest of moments.

I know what’s really important in life and what is trivial.  The government and commercials would have me believe otherwise.

I will not laugh at your weaknesses.  I will love your quirks.  If you want, I will hold your hand when you’re scared.  I will hold the light for you while you walk through the dark, but I will not walk the path for you.  I think it’s a great idea to be allowed to make a lot of mistakes before you finally get it right.

I will hold you to who you really are inside, and not necessarily the one you pretend to be.

Even if it makes you hate me.  Because it’s more important to me that you find yourself again, and in doing so. . . find real happiness.

After all, this isn’t a popularity contest.

Be Real.

Be You Now

I really push myself to expand beyond my comfort zone for these posts.  I’m starting to get a feel for the process and the feeling that comes when I’ve reached the place in me that has something that wants to be shared.  A unique combination of feelings start to unfold and I feel the usual tension in my midsection start to let go, and I literally. . . feel my being begin to expand outward past my normal limits.  My awareness becomes bigger.

Today I felt it come on during my walk.  I felt it start to happen. . . and could feel a part of me feel scared about that bigness, and try to resist or convince it to go back in its cage.  But, my bigness just held the space and said quietly . . . “Why?”  And then the Resistance was gone, seeing that Bigness meant business.

But the answer to the question of “Why?” continued to unfold in me.  Appropriately, my random song shuffle, chose an epic soundtrack.  Making it more convincing to my Bigness, that we were in some really awesome movie and walking slowly towards the viewer while explosions went off around me, and I looked more or less unaffected.  Dramatic.  Epic.  Bigness.  is quickly followed by Shame. Guilt. Smallness.

Or was.

Why?  I asked myself.  What’s wrong with it.  What’s wrong with feeling Big.  What’s wrong with any of the things we feel?  Why are they thrown around like insults?

Feeling the unique combination of feelings start to unfold, letting me know I had hit my target for today’s topic, I let my Being fan out to collect the pieces of the story that wanted to be shared today.

I saw one of the gossamer threads come back to me with a memory of a recent comment I read on another blog about their fight with mental illness.

I saw another gossamer thread come back with this blog http://aopinionatedman.com/ and http://wrongwithlife.wordpress.com/ and this one http://www.jamesaltucher.com/, all of which I had recently hopped into briefly and scanned their posts.

I felt inside of me, a feeling of “realness” and “rawness”.  I felt chills and a feeling of electrical power radiate outward, that felt good to open up to and let through instead of trying to stop it.  In that radiating feeling, and gossamer etheric threads weaving something together, I thought of my feeling bad for feeling Big.  The woman who struggled with a life of “mental illness”.  The courage of these individuals I had just come across in the last day, to speak their truth.

I felt a strength start to pour and spread in me.  Seeing someone. . . anyone speak their own truth, unapologetically. . . is so empowering.  And in that moment, I was only feeling the gossamer threads of 4 or 5 of these brave souls in that moment. . . but the quantum leap of power and strength that was to be had in the combining and networking of the few. . . was immense.  It was POWERFUL.  It brought such.pure.joy. into my being.

Each of these people are from completely different walks of life.  They each have completely different things to say.  In person, they may not give each other a 2nd glance.  But each have something to offer all of us.  I could feel the energy of one come into me like a part of a song, and then the next came in and weaved itself into the song. . . and the next.  I could feel the commonality between all of them. . . their truth. . . the song that is released into the unseen when each is speaking their truth, whatever that truth is. . . weaves itself together and in the process. . . strengthens the whole.

In that moment, I got to stand in the middle of it, with my Bigness hanging out having a heyday.  I got to see it and feel it with all of my sensitivity that I realized was actually a gift.

There are some pretty good movies out there, with great special effects.  But they ain’t got NOTHING on this.

I felt I belonged on the set of Avatar.

All of this, while I’m walking through a busy downtown.  The bigness, the swirls of energy around me, the connections, the strength found in each person who speaks their truth and the collected strength we all gain from them.  The songs, beauty, joy that it weaves into the etheric.

In the unseen spectacle that was unfolding all around and within me, I felt acceptance of all that I was.  I did not feel sorry about any of the things that make up me.  How I can sometimes be “too much”.  That I can be intense.  That I can be stubborn.  That I can be DRAMATIC.  That I offend.  That I am loud.  That I am emotional.  That I am sensitive.

And with that acceptance, I was able to release all judgments of myself and others.  Because the immensity of beauty and power that came from people being real, made me only love all of those differences in them.  And how alone, they may not make any sense, but from the view of how they fit with the others. . . I saw that each was perfect.  And only seeing it from my Bigness, was I able to see and understand just how perfect and precise each person was.  Each complimented the other in ways that could never have been guessed at the individual level.

We don’t need to change each other.  We don’t need to fix anything.  Let go of thinking that if others would do this or that, *then* things would be better for all of us.  We *only* need to be who WE are inside.  Be ALL of who you are.  Embrace it, love it, share it.  Bring it to the table.  Everyone.

Join, the very literal, Symphony of Life.  Finding you and being the full expression of YOU is all that is being asked.  Not what you were conditioned to think is you, not what you think you are supposed to be.  Being “good” is over rated.  Being “nice” is over rated.  Being a “giver” is over rated.  Listen inside to what you feel and let *that* out.

You will know when you’ve hit the part of you that is real, underneath all the masks and conditioning.  You will know, because it will be like a breath of fresh air.  It will be like experiencing life for the first time.  You will wish for more of it.  You will become greedy for it, because you have been starving for it.  It is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  It is like a good stretch after an awesome nap.  It will feel like you’ve finally found the road home, and as soon as you recognize it… you’ll start sprinting.

There are many of us beginning to gather on this road home.  I hope to see you there.  Your presence makes the song that much more beautiful for all of us.

Furreals.

Earthquakes, sinkholes, meteorites, political madness, taxes, downward spiral of the economy, unemployment, crop failures, tornadoes, hurricanes, volcanoes, landslides, dying trees, solar flares, unpredictable weather, animal die-offs, shifting magnetic field, radiation poisoning, warfare, nukes, people losing their minds, the cost of oil, stock markets, gun control, religious fervor, terrorism, ufo sightings. . .

I don’t know about you, but I’m all apocalypsed out.

And I hope you can forgive me, but I’m having a *moment*.

I’m just sick of it.  And I’m not talking about the chaos.  The chaos, I get.  But, what I *don’t* get, is how in the f#!ck do we all manage to keep going business as usual, as if nothing is happening.  How is that happening?!

I’m going to let you in on a little secret.  Something is going on.  Something on a global level.  AND.  We are not being told the truth about what it is.  You have to be feeling it by now.  I know I’m hyper-sensitive and all, but please tell me that you’re at least aware at some level that something is going on?

If you only believe what your 5 senses tell you, then you are going to continue to be more and more in the dark about the true nature of what is happening around us.  This is a great time to start getting comfortable and warm and fuzzy with your feelings, and get plugged back into your heart.  The only place that you’re going to find out the truth of what is happening, is by listening to your own inner guidance.  Because I can tell you right now, the amount of garbage information being spewed out in the world at the moment is only going to confuse the hell out of you.

And it’s also a great time to figure out what is truly, TRULY important to you, and start LIVING by those values.  Don’t just talk about what is important to you.  Live it.  Be bold.  Change.  Find the courage in yourself to be someone you can be proud of.

If you currently feel that something out “there” in the world is going to help fill that feeling of un-satisfaction in you, or heal your broken heart, or make you feel more complete, you are sadly mistaken.  And you are running out of time to change it.

Getting that promotion at work isn’t going to do it.  Making more money isn’t going to do it.  Even being able to pay your bills isn’t going to do it.  It isn’t about achieving or obtaining anything, it is a state of mind.  I’ve been homeless and starving as a single mom… more than once.  And yes, it was great to get some food… that totally helped… but even after having enough money to rent an apartment and put food in my shelves… it did not make me feel better about life or myself.  It did raise my spirits, yes.  But the hurt in me, that put me in an emotional place that resulted in me becoming homeless and starving, was still there even after I had a place to live and food to eat.

What is missing and what you are looking for is your heart and your soul.  You will not find that in a can of soup, let me tell ya.

Quit kidding yourselves.  It is time to wake the fuck up.

Of all of the stuff happening in the world right now, which will only continue to escalate. . . how much control do you have over it?  Can you single-handedly stop it?  Probably not.  Ok, then what scares you the most about it (and if you’re not feeling at least some concern, you might want to check your pulse).

What seems to be people’s main focus when faced with all of this, is death.  Either of themselves or of their loved ones.  Or of people trying to take their stuff or not having enough stuff to survive.  Or being helpless or hopeless to do anything at all.

You need to remember yourselves.  You need to remember what’s truly, truly important.  What can you take with you when you die?  Can you take your job title?  Your bank account?  Your house?  Your clothes?  If you can’t take it with you when you die. . . then it is of no lasting importance.

When you are in touch with yourself, your feelings, your heart, your soul – then you begin to lose your fear – because you begin to understand and feel, for yourself, that you are eternal.  Your consciousness does not die when you do.  There is much, much more to existence than this plane.  There *is* life after we leave here.  And there is contact between the two places.  But you have to be in touch with the part of yourself that you have been hiding or denying all this time.  Your loved ones that have gone before you, are still alive.  You *will* see them again.

When you start to remember, and feel it fully within your body, that you do not blink out of existence at the end of this life – then you begin to lose fear of what is happening in the world.  You begin to find your center and the peace within, even as chaos swirls around you. . . because you know that you and everyone you love. . . is forever.  This?  All of this on Earth?  It is but a temporary part of our existence.

And at the end of this life, whenever that may be, I can promise you. . . that you aren’t going to care about 90% of the stuff that has your panties in a bunch right now.  Being on time to meetings, spending that extra hour or two at work, having a big title, a full bank account. . . those things aren’t even going to register.  But living in your heart, being kind and open, being forgiving of yourself and others, slowing down to appreciate what is beautiful. . .THOSE are the things that will fill you with satisfaction at a life well lived.

I’m not saying that we’re all going to die suddenly.  I’m not saying that we aren’t.  I’m saying, it’s time to know what is really important in our lives and start living from there regardless of what happens, because that is the only place you’re going to be finding stable ground and sanity in the coming months and years.  And it takes time, practice, and patience to figure out what that means to a person and to put it into practice.

The more people that do it, the easier it is for others to do the same.  A ripple effect.

You don’t have to rip your world apart or quit your job.  It can be as simple as making different decisions on how you use your time.  Learn to say no.  Learn to ask for help.  Be honest with yourself.  Pay attention to your emotions.  If you respond in a strong emotion like  anger, it doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with *you*, it means that *something* is wrong and needs your attention.  Our emotions are like a thermometer of what’s going on with us behind the scenes, but they are not our identity.  Don’t be afraid to go in there and find out what the problem is under the hood when the maintenance light comes on, just don’t think that the maintenance light *is* you.

Love and feel warmth.

Feel through the illusion of this world, and live from where it’s real.

Giving the "I know you aren't trying to sneak a picture of me" look

To Love and Be Loved

I had an interesting experience last night that I would like to share.  I hope I am able to describe the subtle yet powerful impact it had on me.

It had been a long day.  I was in my room getting ready for bed (avoiding a book I’ve been reading because I didn’t want to stay up until 2am again).  I’ve had a lot of big life changes happening.  Every aspect of my life is in transition. Not a whole lot of “familiar” or certainty or stable ground.  Which I think is exactly the point.  Learning to find peace and steadiness within myself, even as chaos erupts around me.

I found myself just standing in front of my bookcase.  I was tired, and it felt good to just stand and zone out for a moment.  Something my son had made me when he was younger, caught my attention.  It was his name in black and red plastic letters.  Something *pinged* me inside my heart center and radiated out.  I was suddenly alert and paying attention, like I was waiting for an incoming message.

Then I looked next to the letters, and saw a wooden box my son had made at the same time.  Rubberbanded to the top was a paper that said, “Best mom ever!”  I felt something ping me again from inside and radiate out, only louder and with stronger feeling.  I was feeling the energy and air around me start to shift to one of holding a space for a *moment* that was currently in progress.

. . .

Then my attention shifted to a picture of my fiancé, Jay,  smiling at me.

Netherlands Aug 2012 159

I felt the pinging and radiating feeling get bigger, stronger, and louder.

. . .

I looked again at the gifts from my son:

PING

. . .

Back to the picture of Jay:

Netherlands Aug 2012 159

. . .

. . .

And that’s when the full impact of the *moment* pulsed like a sledgehammer through my whole being.

In those pulses that were pinging and radiating out from me, I momentarily felt myself from the perspective of my son and Jay.  I felt as if I was in their body, looking out from their eyes and looking at me standing in front of them.  It was not a perspective that I have of myself at all.  I had never seen myself in this way.

I had a brightness around me, and I had the cheesiest grin on my face.  My world felt warmer, brighter, safer, more fun.  Things didn’t seem so bad after all.  I felt like maybe the world *was* a place worth being in.  I couldn’t stop myself from wanting to grin in response to seeing her… me.  I felt gratefulness for her… me, being in my/their life.  I could feel her/my love for me/them through them/me.  There was a plethora of emotions and feelings that I’ll never be able to put into words.

Then I experienced their world and what it would look like if I were to suddenly leave this world.  I was experiencing the difference between the two perspectives (their world with me in it, and then their world with me gone). . . because it was in that difference, that the full impact of how much I meant to them was realized.

I felt firsthand, their love for me.  And it brought me to my knees.  I was punched so hard that I bypassed the “tears welling up slowly” part, and went straight to the throes of a deep, throw up your insides, bawling.

I  knew that I was loved before, and that they love me.  But, what I experienced last night, makes what I *thought* was feeling loved… look like child’s play.  It was like I had gone from a world of black and white, to one of mind shredding, heart exploding, ego shattering Vibrant and Luminescent Colors.

They say in life, that the greatest thing is to love and be loved.

First, I learned how to Love myself.

Then I learned how to Love someone else.

Then I learned how to be Loved by another.

May each of us. . .every man, woman, and child know what it feels like to be Loved.

Greatest.Mother’s Day.Gift.Ever.

I’m currently in the middle of a heart swelling, this is what makes it all worth it, moment.  My son, who will be 18 this year, has just totally blown my mind.  He has had a rough last couple of weeks, stuff just blowing up around him with his friends and his girlfriend.  But watching how he has been dealing with it, has been nothing less than beautiful.  That’s not to mean that he didn’t have emotional blow ups with them, or that he hasn’t gone through a good case of the grumps.  But the overall process and grace of how he has consciously chosen to deal with it. . . is breathtaking to behold.

He didn’t harden up, he didn’t shut himself down, he didn’t close his mind and his heart even though that would have been much more preferable than dealing with the extremely uncomfortable feelings all of this was having on him.  I’m sure he had moments where he *did* do those things. . . but one of the amazing things is that he didn’t stay in those places.

He took a very real, honest look at the situations that were happening around him, including his part in them.  He humbled himself.  I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a teenage boy genuinely humble himself, but it’s nothing less than shocking and heart swelling.

Yesterday, being Mother’s Day, he was making a huge attempt to be thoughtful of me.  I loved his effort.  This, on top of what he has been dealing with in his own life personally.  So during a conversation, he kind of snapped back at me – and in a way that made me raise an eyebrow, shut up, and decide that I needed a few moments to calm down before I attempted to communicate anything else.

Normally, this is where he shuts down and goes into his room.  But, he was summoning strength from somewhere deep in himself to not respond in this way.  After a few moments he said he was sorry and then started explaining the incredibly mature insights he had started to see and understand from some self reflection in regards to his recent experiences.

He recognized that he had trouble communicating with others, and how not communicating with people is what makes him feel isolated and alone in things.  “Apparently, communicating is important.”  : D  He said that he is consciously trying to communicate out to others what he is experiencing, but that it’s really tough for him because he has difficulty communicating and it can be misunderstood.  I told him that if the person he was talking to, was worth anything, just by him being open and expressing that he’s in the process of learning how to communicate more effectively, that more than likely they’ll have patience and hold the space for him to do so.   He was also aware that he may start to forget this valuable lesson, but that life always has a way of bringing it back around to remind you, and that he will be patient with himself in this process.

I’m paraphrasing what was said, and the conversation went much deeper, and was just something else to behold.  When did my boy go and grow up on me?

This morning as I was driving to school, he was keeping true to his commitment to keep communicating and not shut people out.  He kept his ipod off, and he continued saying the things on his mind, and allowing me to do the same.  Learning how to listen, and to communicate.  Wow.  I had so much mommy love welling up in me, that I hardly knew what to do with myself.

And just when I thought he couldn’t surprise me anymore than he already had, he said something that really hit home for me.  He said that he had been trying to think of what to do for Mother’s Day, and wasn’t really coming up with anything. . . so he decided that the best thing he knew to do, was to become a better Bjorn.

O.O

Oh my god.  It all hit me at once, his genuineness, his humbling experience, his seeing to the center and truth of where many of his problems stem from and then consciously choosing a new way… a brave way… and acting on it… was his Mother’s Day gift to me.

What in the hell did I do to deserve such an amazing, mind blowing, loving, thoughtful, kind son? (Insert insane bawling here)  I am so grateful, and so appreciative for what I received.  I told him, that it was the most thoughtful Mother’s Day gift in all of humanity.  (I know that doesn’t necessarily make sense, but it’s what came out.)

The maturity, the grace, the love, the courage & bravery, thoughtfulness, wisdom, and just outright beauty of the gift that he gave me is beyond words and feelings.  If ever anyone exemplified what it meant to show who they really are inside, it was in this gift that my son gave to me.

Thank you, my dear son, for the best present you could have ever given me.  I couldn’t be prouder of you and what you’re doing for yourself and in turn for everyone else in your life.  I am proud and honored to be your mom.