Cliff Diving (Okay, Maybe Falling Off Of Cliffs Ungracefully)

I have to call upon so much courage in myself when trying to speak from my heart.

It feels like I’m hanging from a cliff by my fingers, and I’m trying to pull together enough courage to let go . . . one finger at a time.  I become so scared.

Is it going to hurt?

Will I be okay?

But I know it’s my path . . . to learn to speak out loud what is in my heart.

Not what is popular . . . not what is commonly accepted . . . not the influence I feel from others around me . . . but what I and I alone feel separate from the outside world.

I cannot express the terror I feel surrounding this seemingly simple act . . . speaking what I feel inside.

The humiliation I feel.

I have to do it through tears and slow breathing.  It’s like trying to breathe oxygen into a stubborn raisin that insists on folding in on itself.  A trembling raisin.

I do it because I know it’s the only way for me.  I do it because when I’m successful, I once again come alive and see everything for what it is.  I feel myself glow.  I know without a doubt that it’s my calling, even if I don’t know why it’s my calling or what I’m supposed to do with it.  I don’t care why . . . it feels too good to be doing what it feels like I was put here for.

Nothing else matters.

Even knowing that, I continue to hold onto the cliff’s edge with my fingertips.  Crying and pleading with the circumstances . . . wanting to be anywhere but hanging from that cliff.

I hang on because when I start to open my heart and see what’s in there, I become overwhelmed and scared by what I see.  Not because it’s something bad . . . but because it’s something so immense . . . because it’s something new and I don’t know what to do with it.

It doesn’t fit into anything I’ve ever seen really happen in life.  And in that moment when I’m staring straight into it, I know . . . I know I must call upon all of the strength and courage I have inside, because I have to stray from all I’ve ever known and understood about life.

I have to come to peace with letting all of my greatest fears come true as I take my first steps.

Hence the cliff crying (upgraded from floor crying).

The more steps I take, the more confident I am that I’m heading in the right direction . . . and take one more finger off of the cliff’s edge.

I don’t know . . . I guess the hardest thing for me to overcome what I see when I look deep into my heart right now, is that it’s something that I had unknowingly lost a belief in.

It’s like suddenly seeing an honest-to-goodness leprechaun running around your desk.  There’s a moment of shock that a leprechaun even exists before you can start processing what’s happening.

Ironically, I believed in leprechauns more than I believed in what I’m seeing now.

In my heart, I see and feel what can only be True Love.

It’s not like anything I’ve ever heard about or seen.  It redefines all of existence for me.  I’m barely scratching the surface of this monster thing that is appearing inside.

That’s not even the part I’m struggling with.

The part I’m struggling with is the part I didn’t know I didn’t believe in, until I started to see all of this in the last week or so.

{cliff gripping}

I didn’t believe in “soul mates” or “Twin Flames”.  I thought I did, but now if I am honest with myself, I didn’t.  I didn’t really believe there was that one person out there that was a person’s match.  I didn’t believe that there was possibly that one person that was meant for me.

I think I believed in possibilities.  Like a game of odds and chances . . . probabilities of two people matching up and being compatible.  But someone specifically destined or fated?  Another person who is actually another part of your soul?  No, I didn’t believe in that.

I now wonder how long my soul has had to wander alone, for me to have forgotten that it was ever apart of another?  To have reached a point of believing that it was only ever by itself without a pair or mate.  In order to survive . . . to cope . . . to not give up in despair.

I didn’t let myself believe it was true because it terrifies me.  It’s too much for me to dare hope.  At the soul level, I’ve wandered alone a very . . . very . . . very long time.  I’ve searched and searched and searched.  I’ve hoped and hoped and hoped.  But to actually believe it . . . that was too much for me.  That’s not real life . . . that’s some dream or fantasy.

If I were to believe it before I really found my “other” . . . the knowledge alone that I was separated from my other half and not knowing where he was or even if he was okay, would have been enough to literally kill me on the spot.  That’s how deep this pain runs.  My heart would absolutely give out on me.

So I stopped believing in my soul having another half in order to survive.  I believed myself to be independent and solo, not needing anyone else in order to be complete.

But in the spring/summer of 2012 . . . I reached a point of wholeness within myself.  I let go of my fears of being alone and I opened up inside.  Life began to glow for me.  I felt full of light.  When this happened . . . a man appeared in my life.  I knew who he was.  I knew what it meant.  I knew what was happening.  It wasn’t a guessing game for me.  It wasn’t a maybe.  It was 100%.

Fast forward to November of last year, we broke up.

I have no wish to share the details of how that all came about because that’s between me and him, but suffice to say there was a lot of confusion and hurt on both sides for us each to clean up.

I have never, ever gone through something as intense as this in all of my life.

In the hurt and confusion, I closed down and was more in the dark.  I could no longer remember any of the things I knew about us when we first met.

Since then I’ve been fighting and climbing my way out of the abyss that I had fallen down into.  Striving to reach that place of light and knowing that I had reached in 2012.

I’ve started to hit that place again . . . I call it the “Golden World”.  I flicker in and out.  The part that’s been slowing my progress and tripping me up, is the fact that when I open to that world . . . all of the information I knew about us from a couple of years ago, starts to rush back into me.

Except we’ve broken up . . . we don’t speak to each other . . . we’re not even in contact.  I don’t know if we ever will again.

That’s where things start to slide sideways for me.

Because of my subconscious belief that I had no “other”, the knowing of who he was only went skin deep with me.  I hadn’t let it sink all of the way in . . . down to my deep rooted beliefs.  It was very superficial . . . Gemini-like.  I didn’t fully believe with my whole being that he was my partner.  I hadn’t surrendered to the reality of who he is to me.

Because of the wound.  The deep, deep wound of having been separated from him in the first place.  I was scared to let the relationship be true, to be real . . . because the reality was too much for me to handle.  Again my heart . . . I can feel it in my physical heart.  It sometimes stumbles and pounds weird in my chest from the struggle in me regarding me and my ex.

I’ve never had anything close to this happen in my life with another person before.

But there’s nothing I can do about the relationship.  But I don’t want to die . . . I want to live.  So I tried to let him go.  Let him go his own way and live his own life.  Except, I tried to do it by forgetting him, and all that did was keep me closed.  I wasn’t able to recover or heal from the breakup while I did that.

So instead, I decided to open up to what it was I really feeling inside.  Regardless of circumstances beyond my control . . . regardless of how it may appear to the rest of the world . . . what was it that I was feeling, what was it that I was trying to cover-up or hide in myself?

When everything that is false is burned away . . . what is left?

And without fail . . . when I open back up, when I come back to life . . . so does all of my love for him.  So does my memory of him.  I remember him again.  I know he is my one . . . my penguin.  My mate.  My other half.

But instead of falling apart because of our separation and not knowing if we’ll even ever speak again . . . I surrender fully to the knowing and understanding of who he is to my soul . . . and that brings me solace.  It brings me peace . . . because I know he exists.  He’s out there somewhere.  I know his energy signature.  I feel him with me the same as when he was here in person.

Whenever I start to panic about him being so far away physically . . . or the very real possibility that I’ll never hear or see him again . . . I have to shift to a soul perspective.  From there . . . I can feel him . . . I feel joy in my being . . . I feel a love for life again.  I know that things are okay even if they don’t look like it on the outside.

In that way . . . I’m able to let him go.  I’m able to still openly feel my feelings of love for him instead of hide, repress, or pretend like they aren’t there and in doing so having to hide and repress a large part of who I am.  They are there and they will always be there in a very, very big way for me.

Even though I am very skilled in being able to distinguish very subtle changes, shifts, and differences in even the most intricate energy . . . I am unable to distinguish my own heart energy from him and my love for him.  As far as my soul is concerned . . . he *is* my heart.

I am a free spirit . . . and so is my heart.  My heart is free to be and to do whatever he chooses, I will not stand in his way.

As long as I keep surrendering to spirit and have faith in life and that things are as they are meant to be . . . I can stay in a place of love, joy, and happiness regardless of circumstances.

I’ve found my heart . . . it’s not what I expected . . . but I’m very happy to know of its existence.  I’m very happy to know that I can connect to it whenever I want to energetically . . . and for me, that is oftentimes more real than this physical life (especially while Sun is in Pisces and Jupiter in Cancer).

This is still somewhat of a shock to me . . . it’s taking a lot of time to integrate and accept and let it seep deeper into my understanding of reality.  The more it does, the more love and peace I feel for life overall . . . and the more I am able to surrender and allow life to be as it is.  The more confident I am that I am finding my way.  The more things make sense to me again . . . even if they don’t really make sense in a conventional way.

Okay . . . that’s all of the heart sharing I can handle for now.

Quan Yin

Day Two Of Not Giving A Damn . . . No Mercy

Day two of not giving a damn . . . and I feel GREAT!

They should bottle this shit up and market it.

Here’s the soundtrack for today’s post courtesy of Lea Michele, Cannonball:

If you’re in a stick in the mud kind of mood and don’t want to listen to it, the gist of the song is about getting broken down and wondering if you aren’t losing your mind and then a moment comes when you’re just like . . . fuck it.  I’m getting out and going to start living my mother fluffin life.  And then fly gracefully like a cannonball.

O.o  Sounds like my kind of grace.  “I’m a swan!” . . . “No you’re not, you’re a big hunk of round metal.” or whatever cannonballs are made out of.

This staying in my own emotions is so  f r e e i n g!!  So much chatter and clutter and worry in my head has vanished.  It’s just . . . *p o o f* magically gone.

I just want to keep hugging myself saying, “Ohhhhhhhhhhh yooooouuuuuuu!  I LOVE you so much!  You’re so snuggly and warm and adorable like some sort of kitten teddy bear hybrid!”  I feel like I’ve just been reunited with my long lost best friend.

Gemini.  We’re our own best friend.

There’s been speculation that I possibly had a twin in the womb.  I even had a dream which led me to a spontaneous *memory* of having been in the womb and my twin dying and leaving me alone in there and all of the resulting trauma of absorbing said twin.  (Horrifying doesn’t even begin to describe it.)

So who knows?  Maybe I really am my own . . . uh . . . twin.

Anyways, it feels good to be coming back up from the abyss.  That place is the pits!  Am I right? {nodding head, looking around for validation}

On my walk this morning, I actually started to mouth the words to the song I was listening to without realizing it.  Do you know what that means?  I wasn’t feeling self conscious out in public!  That is OUTSTANDING!!!

I’m not thinking about what other people are thinking or wondering about me at all!  I just feel good in myself and it’s starting to just shine outward instead of other’s influences pushing inward into me.

It feels so great to allow myself to get to feel whatever it is I’m feeling without needing a reason.

It’s leading to spontaneous singing like a song bird, and busting into dance moves while standing in line at Starbucks.  And the smiling!  OMG!  Smiling is taking over my face!  My face is like “WHAT IS GOING ON?!  It hurts!”

I just feel happy and excited about whatever I’m doing.  My whole world is beginning to open back up.  The sun is coming back out.  Laughter and light is returning to my life.

Who knew?  Who knew it was as simple as that?  Letting other’s be responsible for their own feelings, and only being responsible for mine.  Obviously this is my own secret sauce mix, and isn’t the answer for everyone (or maybe even anyone) else.  But the simplicity of the switch and the bigness of the effect is blowing my mind.

Okay.  So that’s all for now.  I’m off to continue my being W o W e d by the world!

No mercy bunny

 

Let My Big Heart Run Free

Having such huge intense archetypes hitting personal points on your natal chart is a hoot, let me tell ya.

These are no mere mortal mood swings I’m having.  It’s like the Gods and Goddesses are having recess in my psyche.  It’s so B I G . . . E P I C . . . I N T E N S E . . . and oh so D R A M A T I C.  I feel like this could use a soundtrack.  {goes to look for mood setting music}  Ah, here’s one.  It’s like living in the middle of this all of the time (Audiomachine – Guardians at the Gate):

Actually . . . pretty much anything by Audiomachine is appropriate.

In order to let that big of an energy through . . . you have to do some heavy duty surrendering, letting go, and opening up W I D E.  Meaning, you can’t be thinking small thoughts of yourself.  If you only think tiny little human thoughts, it doesn’t give enough room to let the archetype energy through . . . and it wreaks havoc on the physical body.

However, If you don’t have some sort of discipline around dealing with that intense of an energy . . . then you stop being able to properly function as a human here in the practical day-to-day world.  You could end up in the cuckoo house.

What I’m attempting to do in the middle of my own crazy . . . is surrender to the energy to easily allow it through (which makes it go from chaotic to peaceful within seconds) . . . but to ALSO ground it into this reality.  This requires that I simultaneously open and trust the energy going through me . . . BUT stay consciously aware and consciously direct the flow of the energy.

What I just described . . . the consciously channeling the archetype energy outwards . . . is an esoteric understanding of Aquarius . . . ruler of Uranus.  Uranus is currently on my Ascendant, coming in from the other side of the Veil (Pisces/12th house) into an individual person (Aries/1st house).  So . . . in a way, archetype energy is being birthed through me, the same as a baby’s soul comes through the mom and into the baby, and then she gives birth to the baby into this physical world.  Because this is Aries and Uranus . . . it could be birthing a bunch of new ideas.

I got to thinking about this earlier this morning because I had something start to switch in me.  I was feeling the “Wrathful Mother” coming through yesterday.  She was all grumpy gills at the Black Smoke (Pluto).  But having let that rage come through . . . it started clearing out blockages in my energy.  So then what I started to experience, was a deeper letting go inside of me.  I could feel myself deeper . . . and I started to bump into a reservoir of emotions and feelings.  Ones that were SO GIGANTIC . . . that I couldn’t let them through while I was holding a grudge against Mr. Black Smoke.  I couldn’t let the grudge go, until I let myself feel SUPER ANGRY about it.

When I first gently bumped into this reservoir I *remembered* it.  “Oh yes.  Now I remember this place.”  It’s where I feel and find my Neptune/Moon in my body.  It’s roughly the area of my lower spine . . . that’s a poor way to describe it, because it’s most definitely a place outside of time and space, but the doorway TO my Neptune/Moon is in that region of my body.

It’s where I have access to what I call my Heart.  Not my human heart . . . but my Big Momma Heart.  Neptune/Moon.  Compassionate Mother.

As I poked my big toe into the reservoir, I felt . . . I felt the Dark Smoke Pluto from another perspective.  I felt his . . . aloneness.  I felt his pain and hurt.  And it touched a bigger part of me . . . the Momma part of me.  I felt my bigger Heart s w E L L  HUGE.  I felt an understanding and love for what this being or archetype had gone through himself.  It’s not easy being the Devil.

So I could let it go . . . I could let the anger go that I felt towards that energy, and in doing so it gave me greater access to a deeper love and peace in me.

Then I had a clearer understanding of what I’m doing here.  That this large reservoir is related to my purpose.  That everything up to now has been preparation for me to be able to handle this larger archetype energy through and into this world.  These great.big.momma.feelers.  They are so huge that I can’t let them through while I pretend I’m a small nobody.  I can’t let them through while I’m holding onto anything that isn’t real.  I can’t let them through while I’m being self conscious.

Those things were in place in order to keep those big feelings from destroying me before I was ready . . . but I’m ready now.  So I have to let go of those limited, small thoughts in order to become what I came here to be and do.  I have to completely change my approach and perspective to life.  Let myself love big.  Let myself feel big.  Let my Big Heart run free.

Level Mom

The Rising Has Begun

I’ve had to take a little bit of time to think.

I’ve found myself wandering into new scenery and I’m having to move a little slower than usual to take in all the new sights and understand what is going on.

I feel very much how I’d imagine Alice in Wonderland felt when she found herself in a strange new land, including the mindless need to repeatedly say, “Curiouser and curiouser”.

Whenever we move into new phases in our lives, there is a transition period where you’re having to adjust from how you used to see yourself to how you are now starting to see yourself.  For example, when you move out of adolescence and into adulthood.

I am going through one of those shifts right now . . . except I didn’t know I’d experience a shift of this nature at my age.  I thought that once you made it solidly into adulthood . . . that you didn’t experience another shift of this nature until you were more towards the retiring years.  So . . . I guess previously I had thought (subconsciously), “This is it for me.  I never quite bloomed, but I didn’t quite fail miserably either.”

But then I start to wonder to myself . . . whether I had never fully matured in the first place.  I know they talk about someone being a late bloomer . . . but what does that even mean?  (<– has no idea.)  And because I’ve been known to take things to the extreme, I wouldn’t put it past me to take being a “late bloomer” to a whole new level.

When I really think about the whole concept . . . and the more I take stock on the whole of my life so far . . . the more it starts to dawn on me that no, I never really did bloom.  I never really did come out of my shell, or come into my own, or however you want to say it.

Things are beginning to feel different to me.  People are responding differently to me.  I’m responding differently . . . but it still somehow feels natural to me.  It all feels like a natural unfolding or product of the flow of life.  I have these moments where I start to see or more fully understand what is going on with me, and I start to tear up.  “It’s happening.”

Those moments come with realizations that everything up until now has been preparation in building a solid foundation within myself.  I have been learning, watching, observing, taking notes, contemplating, philosophizing, experimenting.  I have been taking my slow methodical turtle-like way through life.

Also in those moments, I become aware that I’ve been one of many people standing in a large crowd.  A large crowd of people who have been looking all around . . . high and low . . . far and near . . . to see who is in charge.  I’ve been one of the ones who have been waiting for a leader to appear.  Waiting for someone to step up.

And then suddenly becoming aware that slowly over time, more and more eyes had started to turn my way . . . and it dawning on me that the reason I can’t find the leader I’m looking for . . . is because I am her.  I am the leader that I’ve been looking for.

That’s what those moments feel like to me.

They make me start to cry because in those momentary flashes, I see myself in a way I’ve never seen before.  I become overwhelmed with emotion, because I really didn’t know . . . I really didn’t see my value up until this point.  So these flashes are a shock to my whole world perception.

{flash} “I matter?” {flash}

{flash} “I have something of value to offer others?” {flash}

I feel in an (almost) effortless manner, the person . . . the woman that I have always known myself to be inside, is starting to show herself on the outside.  It very much feels like a Disney moment where a wand is swished and a transformation takes place.  Except it’s in much slower motion.  So . . . maybe a time lapse of a couple of months speeded up would be more accurate.

But not any less magical.

I’m finding that the peacefulness that comes over me in those moments, is because I finally feel validated by life in general.  I feel a renewal in faith . . . in knowing that there truly was a reason that I went through everything I did.  I feel very humbled and satisfied inside . . . I no longer feel any need to try and prove anything . . . not even to myself.  I feel like I can let go of trying to force a purpose to my life just to make it tolerable.

I know that no matter what . . . I am okay.  That everything is going to be okay.  That everything *is* okay.

I feel complete confidence that I have been thoroughly prepared for whatever life has in store for me next.

I know I was made for *this* . . . whatever *this* is . . . because I don’t know yet what any of it means.  I am only starting to sense that the something I’ve been preparing for . . . for many, many lifetimes . . . is now beginning to come into physicality.  I feel it swelling in me while I shift and transform into something new.

I am surprised by what’s happening . . . while simultaneously remembering that I had been planning this all along at some other, long-forgotten level in my being.

I feel something wonderful . . . loving . . . powerful . . . rising in me.

Something new to this life . . . but ancient to time.

And I do not feel that I am alone in this.

Something at a deep level in humanity is happening right now.

Something has begun.

Something that we have been waiting for.

No one will be left unaffected.

In the end, we will all be transformed.

Even though it may still be too subtle for you to feel . . . even though it may still be too quiet for you to hear . . . even though it may still be too translucent for you to see . . . that *something* you have been waiting for . . . has begun.

Why Bear

You Are Now That Which You Seek

Whatever it is you’ve been waiting for . . . whatever it is that you feel has been missing all along . . . it is now with you.

It’s time to become aware of its new presence within you.  It’s time to let it in.

It’s Going To Be Okay

There’s a lot going on in the world at the moment.  There’s a lot going on in individuals at the moment.

There’s been a sharp increase in the last few weeks of people experiencing their first anxiety attacks.  During this same time period there has been a sharp increase in people having vivid/lucid dreams . . . who normally never remember their dreams at all.

Many of the dreams point towards an event that is coming.

The discussions surrounding the event are typically met with disbelief, fear, relief (bring it!), or an onslaught of bible verses.

I have had lucid dreams pointing towards this time my entire life.  I have also had a lifelong issue with generalized anxiety.  Maybe there’s a correlation.  : )

To those who are experiencing these things for the first time, please know that you’re not alone.  And please know, that it’s going to be okay.

Please know that there are many of us surrounding you in your everyday lives, who have been going through this for some time . . . and we know how to help during this difficult time.

First and foremost . . . b r e a t h e.

When you feel like things are beginning to overwhelm you . . . stop whatever you’re doing . . . close your eyes . . . let everything go . . .  and slow yourself down enough to be able to take at least one full breath all of the way in as deep as you need to in order to feel like it was a deeply satisfying breath.

It may take a few times, but keep trying and slowing down your internal rhythm until you get that one breath in.

Secondly, don’t be afraid to open up to others and talk about what’s bothering you.  You may be surprised to find that others are having the same concerns and fears, and feeling alone in it too.  Anxiety is heightened when you feel alone in your situation.

To those who have already been dealing with these feelings for years . . . I kindly request that you start letting yourselves be known so that others know where to turn for guidance.  This is the time, and this was the reason for you going through all you did ahead of time.  You are greatly needed right now.

Remember how scared you were . . . confused . . . lost . . . alone.  And have mercy on those starting to experience these things.  Be present with them and their fear.  See them.  Let them know it’s okay.  Hug them.

There is one thing I know and see with all of my heart.  And that is, when the moment of truth comes, and we’re all faced with our physical mortality . . . is when we will all truly show ourselves and see each other for the first time.  We will understand and know within our whole being at a depth previously unimagined, how much we truly love each other.  How much we truly love everyone.  How much everyone truly loves us.

And it’s going to be okay.

Warm Colored Sky

In Love With Life Itself

I’m kind of digging the current energy.  Or maybe it’s just the new music I downloaded.

Or probably because my fiancée has come in from The Netherlands for a few months, and I’m in hog heaven.

Isn’t it interesting how when you’re in the throes of being in love the world glows beautiful and you sing right through the irritations of life, with a shoulder shrug and raised eyebrows of compassionate understanding?

Or maybe that’s just me.

But I have wondered how my  whole world can change from a feeling.  What is going on when you first fall in love, that isn’t going on during the rest of your life?  Are we only meant to have those few brief encounters during life where we open up to life so much that we connect into the feeling of Divinity?

Because to me . . . it feels how I think Life *should* feel.  I feel it should be the Rule, not the exception.

I tried it as an experiment once.  Back when I was still single. . . and had been for quite some time. . . I wanted to know if I could induce that feeling of first being in love.  I guess it could be called method acting for my own role in Life.  I recalled the times I had felt that kind of love, and enveloped myself into those feelings.

It was a little tricky at first, because usually there is a person who is the focus of your affections and who sends you into those great feelings that light up your whole world.  I didn’t have that, so I had to get creative.  I decided to try being in love with myself in that way.  Like I had just rocked my own world.  : D  (Ha!)

It felt a little awkward, and I think I would’ve died a million deaths from embarrassment had anyone found out what I was doing at the time.  I put my stubbornness, curiosity, and will power to good use.  I closed my eyes and went into my imagination and spun a world of pretend so elaborate and real, I would’ve made my Kindergarten teacher proud.

First, I pretended that it wasn’t weird that I was doing it in the first place.  Kind of like starting with a clean state.  And then I pretended that, even though I didn’t know the details of this exciting moment in my life, I had just met the most wonderful person in my life.  They made my heart flutter.  Being with this person made everything feel okay.  I was able to be completely myself and this person thought it was AWESOME.

After an embarrassingly long time of this part of the pretend, I moved the focus into the exciting discovery, that this amazing person. . . was Me!  Yay!  Who knew?!

And then I felt the *pulse* in my heart.  I felt the skip that the heart skips when your beloved comes to mind.  I had a moment of teary-eyed wonderment of being In Love.  I felt my being open up, like I was unfolding wings to take flight.  My perception of the world widened from it’s tight focus inside of me, to encompassing the entire World.

It was marvelous.

As soon as I knew it was even possible to experience this while still single, I was sent into a frenzy of possibilities.  I was pretty sure I had stumbled across the Fountain of Youth.

Something magical happened, when I tried to sustain it for longer and longer periods of time.  A shift happened, that went from focusing on me being in love with me. . . to me being in Love with Life.  That very same feeling of first being love. . . except it was with everything surrounding me.  Where ever I walked, whatever I was doing, I felt incredible love and appreciation for all of it.

The highs in life, the lows, it was all beautiful.  Everyone in my view was beautiful, both in their sorrow and in their happiness and everything in-between.  I wished the best for everyone I passed on the street.  I could feel the eternal song I feel coming from my heart, flowing outwards to everything in my world.

I felt strong enough to handle anything.  I felt protected and loved.  I felt like everything was going to be just fine for all of us, no matter what happens.  I felt such love and understanding for everyone’s struggle in life, and even proud of all of us for continuing on despite the challenges and heartbreak we’ve all experienced at one time or another.

So many strong and beautiful people everywhere I looked.  I wanted to sing out loud, a heartfelt song to each and every person. . . letting them know that they aren’t alone. . . that it’s all going to be okay. . . that they are loved. . . that they are so beautiful in the eyes of the Divine.

The current energy feels very supportive of this way of being.  If I allow it to settle deep into me, I feel so sentimental, supportive, loving, nurturing, understanding.  I feel open joy at being in this world with you guys, and experiencing all the crazy things we get to experience together.  And later, after it’s all done. . . . we’ll think back on these times and laugh and laugh and laugh. . . whew!  {Big Deep Sigh} Good times, good times.

Multi colored sky

I Think It’s Going To Rain Today

Today I feel a part of me wanting to come out that has never voluntarily done so.

A part of me that I hold very, very deep inside of me.  The part of me that I shield and protect with every single thing I have at my disposal.

I’m having to write this very slowly, because any sudden movements make her skitter away.  She’s not used to so much conscious visibility and attention from me.

I typically avoid her.  She conflicts with how I’ve felt I had to be when I’m around other people.  I love her with all of my heart.  But, I know how the world can be, and I feel she must be protected at all costs so that I don’t lose her.

. . . B i g  b r e a t h. . .

This is the part of me that wants to comfort others.  The mother in me.

The one, that when I see heartbreak in another human, my heart breaks with them. . . and all I wish to do is rock them in my arms.  Give them a safe place to feel their pain and to let it out.

Not in pity.  Not even in sympathy.

But because no one should have to suffer heartbreak alone.

And everyone needs a safe place to let themselves fall completely apart. . . so they can release the pain and grief, instead of holding it tight inside of their body and trying to be strong for everyone else.

And because we need a loving witness to the pain we feel.  Someone who is strong enough to see you at your weakest, and not think less of you for it.

Nobody can feel the pain for us.  That is the part that we must do ourselves.  But I do not believe it needs to be done in complete isolation.

Take a moment. . . and step out of yourself.  Think of all of the people you’ve seen all over the world recently, whether it’s from TV or the internet, in person, etc..  Think of the strong emotions playing out.  Such anger and outrage.  Pain.  Crying.  Strength. Love.

Think of the times you felt those strong emotions.  What you were going through inside.  Recall those and bring them back up to the surface.

And now pretend, just for a moment. . . that instead of those people you saw, going through those emotions. . . it was you.  You standing there in outrage at what’s going on.  Or hopelessness of what your future holds.  Fear of not knowing what’s next for you or if you can protect your family or feed them.  Pain and sorrow from what you are forced to witness everyday.  Grief from loss.

Regardless of whether there is a difference in beliefs among us. . . we are all hurting and feeling in the same way underneath.

I don’t know where and when all of today’s bullshit started.  Most likely, the beginning of time.  We are all fighting someone else’s fight from long ago.

Through the eyes of a mother, when I look out at our world, my feeling is . . . e n o u g h.

T h a t’s .

E n o u g h.

A mother’s heart can’t take anymore.

I think we have all suffered for far, far too long.  It’s time to stop now.  Just let it go.

None of us here on this planet right now, deserve this.  Not.One.Person.

We’re all just acting out cycles of pain from generations past.  We’ve inherited their mistakes, their pain, their grief, their anger. . .

Someone has to be big enough to just.let.it.go. . . so we can all start healing.

The Many Ways We Love

My son was cracking me up last night.

“Many people tell me how wise I am. . .

And now I am foolish, for thinking I am wise.

Which in itself is a wise thing.

And now I am even more foolish. . .

Somebody quote me!”

Bwahahahahah! His comedic timing was impeccable. He was really on a roll last night (what kind? dinner? crescent?).

I can’t say the same for his mother. {shrugs}

Last night reminded me of something incredibly valuable to me in my life, and that is in understanding that we all love in our own way.

If I may be so bold, as to scrutinize the golden rule for a moment:

“Treat yourself as you’d have others treat you.”

I really took this to heart when I was a teenager. And with a religious zeal, I immediately began implementing it in my everyday life.

“I want people to be nice to me, so I am going to be nice to other people.”

There. That should take care of that issue in my life (I said smugly in my all-knowing teenage years). I had a long laundry list of how I thought people should be, and I was going to do all those things for them. Because you know, then maybe they’ll get the hint that that’s how they should be too. And peace will reign on Earth. I was so very clever. : )

But all that did for me in actuality, was set up a lot of false expectations and resulting disappointment when people didn’t treat me any different. If anything, I was treated worse.

So, back to the drawing board.

I’ll save you the long, epic journey of where this took me and skip to the good part. My epiphany of where I had misunderstood my literal translation of the golden rule.

If I’m too busy looking for others to respond in the way I would to a situation, I miss out on seeing the person for who they really are, and their own way of being. Plus, I will constantly be disappointed in life with failed expectations of others.

The most noticeable example of this, is the many different ways we all show and receive love. I have many different ways, and the way I show it can change from day to day. So, if you think “if she loved me… she would call more often”. . . you are going to be disappointed. Because that’s not how I show my love. That’s not how I am. If that’s how *you* show your love. . . then cool… do it. But don’t expect it of me. And don’t try to make me feel guilty for *not* showing my love in that way.

If you’re really seeing me, me…. the Jenn that resides within my heart… then you will see for yourself the ways that I show I love the people in my life. And no, it’s most likely not going to look like the ways that you show your love to others in life.

Maybe one day, I show it by lovingly cleaning out the kitty litter. It’s not that I love cleaning cat shit. I don’t. But. I feel love when I’m doing it (not every time… let’s not get crazy here), because I really love my cats and I want them to have a nice clean place to use the restroom. It makes me feel good that I can provide that for them.

When I pick up my son’s favorite foods at the store, it’s because I am feeling love and I want to somehow show that for him. He.loves.food. So, to me, providing something he loves. . . is *my* way of showing love.

Maybe (pure speculation on my part) he wishes he had a mom who was more “huggy” and said “I love you” out loud more. I wish I could’ve been more that way myself. And I still try. But…it’s not a natural way of expression for me. I can’t be who I am not.

So last night, when my son was cracking me up with his natural wit. I didn’t need for him to say to me, “Mom, I love you.” because he was saying it loud and clear in his interaction with me. He was literally shining light off of his body last night. I hadn’t seen that with him in years!! It was more heart warming and beautiful than any clumsy words could have conveyed.

I say the golden rule could maybe use a revision, or even some clarification. Maybe yes, treat others how you would like to be treated yourself. . . but don’t forget that others have their own ways too. And they’re all pretty neat.

A Little Disclosure

Have you been feeling dizzy, disoriented, foggy-brained, confused, worsening memory, vertigo, congestion, sometimes sick to your stomach?  Have you been feeling more and more tired, lethargic, increasing irritability, anger, frustration?  Do you go through periods where you feel like you’re “de-toxing” and trying to clear something out of your system, and for those tuned into your body. . . have your kidneys (sides, & back) been giving you more and more problems? Do you have increased anxiety, apathy, possibly even depression?

Have you had increasingly strange dreams or nightmares?  A sense of *something* going on, but you don’t know what?

Have you wondered why all the sinkholes, large booms, strange sounds heard around the world?  Why the seasons are all mixed up, and why it’s cold one day and warm another?  Why the trees  bloom at the wrong times, and then shortly afterwards. . . the leaves begin to dry up and some even turn a reddish color?

Why the birds migratory patterns are all off.  Why the weather becomes increasingly erratic and extreme?  Electronics misbehaving?  Why more and more people seem to be losing their minds, and an increase in suicide and suicide attempts?  Riots and protests?  Volcanoes, earthquakes, hurricanes, tornadoes, flooding. . . Mass animal deaths.  Did I mention Illnesses?

Increased UFO sightings.  Meteorites.  Landslides.  Bridges and overpasses collapsing.  Trains derailing.  Winds blowing globally.  Strange clouds.  Geomagnetic storms for no known reason (with no solar flares with resulting CMEs or solar winds from a coronal hole).

And, it’s not just Earth experiencing great changes and upheavals. . . so are the other planets in our solar system.

Before I continue with what I feel is happening.  Let me give you some more idea of where I’m coming from.

My whole life, I’ve had dreams and visions.  Increasingly lucid over the years.  Many years were spent deciphering and distinguishing the subtle energies of them.  The discipline I put into that, carried over into my waking life.  It had to, because there were times many years ago when I had a difficult time distinguishing between awake and sleep.  Did it make me feel crazy? Yes.  Did I let that stop me from understanding it? Not at all.

I watched, observed, took notes, contemplated, gathered more information.  I suspended judgment until a clearer picture began to form.  This is how I’ve learned and grown over the years, and how I’ve overcome the many pitfalls of being super sensitive.  A very scientific approach. . . except, unlike many scientists of today, I didn’t dismiss findings that didn’t fit my current world view.  I allowed for things I didn’t know or understand to make their way into my awareness.

In my waking life, I did the same thing I did with my dreams.  I observed, took notes, researched, etc.  I often stare at the sky.  I sit for hours watching the trees in deep communion.  Watching and listening to the birds and other critters.  Always looking for patterns, cycles, insight.  I’ve only ever spent this life trying to understand it.

In the last couple of years, the two worlds within me began to merge.  The world of spirit and dreams and the waking, real life world.  My time has been spent on weaving the connection between these two worlds and how they interface with each other.  I now see the spirit that runs through and connects everything, as well as the actions/reactions that it causes in our physical waking world.  I am now consciously aware of both worlds at all times.

There’s much more to it than that.  But, hopefully this gives you better context of how I operate and where the things I say come from.

When spiritually inclined people say, “We are all one”, I feel it’s a little bit misunderstood.  I see it more as, “We are all connected”.  We are individuals who connect to make a whole.

But to get back on topic. . . the things that have been happening increasingly in our world.  If you look at just isolated events, it doesn’t make much sense.  But take all of those events in as a whole, and you start to see a bigger picture emerge.  Same concept. . . individual cells making up a bigger body.  (The macro and micro. . . as above, so below. . . this concept repeats itself over and over.)

All of the things we are witnessing today, are connected to a bigger story.  If you don’t know how something is connected. . . you are simply missing pieces of the puzzle that help connect one thing to another.

My understanding of what’s going on is continually updating as I gather additional information.  It’s a very fluid and dynamic ongoing thing.  But I do feel that I have enough pieces to understand the emerging picture, and as of last night, it started feeling for the first time in my life, that it was time to start sharing what I’m seeing.

What I’m currently seeing, is that we’re fast approaching a pole shift that is being brought on by a body or object moving through our solar system.  I don’t know what it is, and I don’t know when.  But I feel strongly enough about it, that I’m willing to put myself out there and be ridiculed and thought crazy.

I don’t take what I’m saying lightly.

Many, many, many myths & legends, religions, etc. speak of things that we’re seeing right now.  And I don’t feel it’s necessarily because they were trying to be prophetic, but because they were describing something they lived through themselves and that it was something that was cyclical and they were trying to pass the information on to future generations as best as they could.

I do not believe it’s about punishment.  I don’t think any of us need to be beating ourselves up for not having been “better” people to have prevented this from happening.  As I wrote about in another post about facing and embracing your shadows, I feel that idea applies here as well.

In older traditions, the ones who had to walk the path through trials and darkness, were the initiates.  The shamans.  The ones who walked between the worlds.  Humanity, as a group of individuals, are all being pushed onto this path during this time.  The difference is, in the past, the initiates had to walk the path alone.  As a group, we can choose to walk it together.  But first, we have to admit to ourselves that we’re on it.

Many, many tough things are brought to the surface when faced by global calamity.  What happens after death?  What is real and what isn’t?  What really matters?  Am I at peace with myself and my life, and if not. . . how do I get there?  Do I let people know that I love them?  Am I kind to myself?  Am I kind to others?

The point of being on this path, isn’t to try and *beat* death.  It’s to get real.  To become who you really are underneath all the trivial things we’ve used to cover up.  To get in touch with what you really feel, and what you value.  To become aware of the spiritual, or eternal part of yourself.

That’s why I emphasize feelings and heart at this time, because it becomes your new anchor during times of upheaval and unsureness.  If you only believe in the physical world and only what your 5 senses tell you. . . this time we are living in is going to be one that drives you to madness.  Your heart and feelings are your inner guidance that you need to use to navigate these times.  It is not the time to hide behind lies and bullshit.

And when you find the courage to open your heart and to your own truth inside of you, you will also. . . in your own way, feel peace and connection to others.  And you’ll know that death is not the end by any means.  We are, and always will be connected to each other.  We will always see each other again.  We are never truly alone.

From this space, you will know with sureness of what you need to do.  Whether you are someone who needs to stock up on things, or go to the mountains (and not from a sheer animalistic instinct to survive, but because you are meant to be one who survives and carries on), or if you should just be spending this time making amends and living true and helping others who are going to become increasingly scared.

For myself, I do not feel a need to do anything other than what I’m doing.  And that is to communicate out to others what I know.  My dreams, visions, and inner guidance have not pointed towards me putting forth effort to try and survive.  Not that I won’t, but that my path is more towards communicating and comforting.  I know when the time comes, I will be connected, and I will know exactly what I need to do.

We each have our roles.  Each individual doesn’t need to be able to do everything.  Just what they are meant to do.  And that also means that we will need each other.  I will never be someone who is good at storing food goods and the logistics of that type of thing. . . but I am able to see the signs, give guidance, and help lead.   So my survival may depend on the kindness of others who are good at the logistics of lodging and food, etc.  Do you see what I mean?

Individuals within a collective.  If we’re focused on sheer survival and this is mine and I will shoot you if you get close. . . then we will all suffer.  But if we’re at peace within ourselves and whatever happens. . . then we become capable of holding the space and joining together our resources and the special talents and skills that we each bring to the table.

The All affects the One, and the One affects the All.

Take this information, and do with it what you like.  Take it or leave it, it’s okay with me.  I’m not looking for support or for others to agree with me.  I am just following my own inner guidance to share for better or for worse.

I will most likely continue sharing things from here on out.  It feels like it’s a part of a role I agreed to.  It comes from my heart, and not for gain.

Take good care of yourselves and each other.