Trying To Process Events Going On In The World As Well As In Myself

I did this video last night, but I’m just now posting it.  It’s not my favorite video.  I restarted it 3 times and had to fight throughout to not just completely give up on the video, and then it’s long on top of it.  (Jenn, you’re such a great salesperson, how could I not watch it with such a great endorsement).  I’m trying to make sense of things for myself at the moment regarding things going on both in the greater world as well as myself personally.

I say nonsensical things like, “It’s like bridge under water.”  When I’m in this ‘trying to figure it out’ phases, I say a lot of things in an effort to try and connect things to see what is really trying to be shown or said by something bigger than me.  So some of the things I say are fleeting and not necessarily *true*, but just fluffing up all of the pieces that seemed to be involved to see what goes together.  I am feeling out how things feel when saying them to distinguish whether it belongs in the equation or not.  This is a process I go through looking for the bread crumbs that relate together to show me the direction I should be going.

This is me in flux, in extreme flexibility.  I’m not actually judging people and events, I’m just feeling them out.  I hear myself constantly trying to clarify what I mean when I say anything that may suggest that I am being unfair about something I say about other people (such as coworkers) in my life.  I don’t want the things I say to be taken out of context, I don’t want to hurt other’s feelings, and no I don’t want to be unfair to other people because I’ve been on the receiving end of that far too much.  But at the same time, it totally throws off my flow about what I’m trying to say because whatever I’m saying about them isn’t the point that I’m trying to get to.

I definitely halt my expression by trying to be too sensitive about what I say about others in my life, like I don’t get to have my own perspective or opinion about how I am experiencing my own life.  I think that plays into me feeling like I don’t get to have my own feelings.  I do tend to get attacked when I try to express how situations are making me feel that involve other people.  I’m sure it’s something to do with the way I go about doing it, my presentation or perhaps the people I’ve surrounded myself with in the past.  Some people will attack me for trying to say my side, and when I get upset about it, they’ll tell me to not take it so personally . . . and then my feelings really get hurt because it seems like them attacking me for having my own feelings, was them taking it personally.

I struggled in this video by not letting myself stop it or give up and by attempting to say what I’m really feeling even if it gets misinterpreted or misunderstood and so it’s a very uncomfortable video for me and it was even harder to make myself publish it and now post it.  I did keep filtering myself and trying to be “fair” to everyone and so there’s moments where I start to break through that and just say what I’m really feeling and then moments where I go back to restricting myself or feeling ashamed of what I’m saying.  This is all really good for me.  This is further helping me get past worrying about other’s responses or reactions to me.

It helps every time I get a favorable or supportive response, because it starts to rewrite in me what usually happens when I express myself.  It will eventually reach a point where I won’t be able to say that people respond to me unfavorably because it will no longer be true for me.  While I could get to a place of not caring about what other’s say on my own, I don’t have to fight quite so hard to do it when I start receiving different responses from others than what I’m used to.  My audience tends to be very silent and for the most part I’ve come to peace with that, but I’m seeing how much better and easier it is for me to push through when someone does respond in a more supportive way such as a recent commenter, Supreet, has been doing.  He says things in a more open, Aries-like way, and not so judgmental or closed and I can’t say how much I appreciate it.  His sharing his thoughts that people normally keep to themselves, does help give me courage to keep trying.  It does help me feel like I’m less alone in my fight and struggle to find my true voice and express it without fear.

It helps me see that it’s a two way street.  I’ve always taken responsibility for all my relationships failing because I didn’t know that the other person was suppose to contribute more to the relationship.  Whenever someone starts to contribute or share from their side, I feel such a burden come off of my shoulders, like it’s not ALL up to me.  I don’t have to do all of the work for things to happen or work out.  Having that contrast from what I normally experience with others, shines such a light on what I’ve been really dealing with.  Others don’t show up for life or for their relationship with me.  They are checked out and so yes I am left alone.  It’s not all my fault.

At any rate, here’s the video, and when I get more time I’ll come back to give a couple of links for the earthquake that I spoke about in the video.

Edit to add:  Here’s a link to the video where the man walks through the town right after the earthquake has happened.

And here’s another one with the view over the rooftops.  Since then, they’ve added a lot of annoying boxes making it hard to see the actual video, but I just wanted to point to this one specifically since I spoke about it in my video.

And one more with a compilation of 3 different videos.  The 3rd video, is one where I dreamt of an identical street and thoroughfare about a year or so ago.

The Art Of Being Self

I stayed up waaaay too late last night.  I found a TV series on Netflix that has me completely enraptured.  I kept saying to myself, “Okay one more, but then I have to go to bed.”  I said that three times.  So, I finally listened to myself at 3:30am and went to bed.  My first alarm goes off at 5am.  (Yaaaay!)

It made for strange dreams and a little bit of a disorienting morning, but sometimes I need that to shake off the sludge that can collect and buildup on me.

Ever since Venus moved out of Aries and into Taurus (March 17), my feelings have turned to that of “art”.  Venus rules both Taurus and Libra.  They are both love feel good signs.  They rule throat and kidneys respectively.  If the pathway between the two are blocked or restricted in any way, it becomes more difficult for a person to “feel good”.  It becomes more difficult to have patience or to love or be open.  Think about how *loving* you feel when you’re in the middle of a horrible cold or flu, and you’ll get the idea.

Venus also rules the arts.  On March 31, Mars also moved into Taurus.  My feelings have moved even more solidly into the general topic of art.  The connection between feeling good, feeling love, and how much more naturally I wish to do something artistic the more I feel those things.

With my natal chart setup how it is, it has been suggested that I would be an excellent dancer (I adore dancing, but only when I’m alone).  I have many artistic inclinations.  However I also have a fear of doing anything personal or artistic or creative when there is an audience.  But with hard work, I can move so much into the art form that I’m doing, that I no longer care or worry about whether there is an audience because I find too much joy in doing the art itself to care what anyone else thinks about it.

With the current transits (where the planets currently are in the sky), I began to think of art in a different way.  I felt all of the creative and artistic energy that I give so little opportunity to be expressed in the world.  It’s like I hold it’s head under water trying to drown it.  Trying to make it go away so that I’m not forced to face my fears, my insecurities.

But this was exactly when the new understanding of art began to emerge from my thoughts.  Creativity.  Creativity is the act of birthing something new into the world.  Taking something that was in the ethers, in the unseen, and expressing it in some form in this world.  Making something out of seemingly nothing.

I often think of creativity and art as being an established form, such as visual arts, writing, dance . . . you know,  the arts.  I have spent a lot of time learning about and discerning the different energies I sense and then using that information to follow it further to see connections between things that I haven’t seen before.  So I used that learned ability to feel the energy simply known as ‘art’ inside of me and then opened up a space within to see what new information or connection it had to show or share with me.

You know how hard it can be to forgive someone who has hurt you or wronged you in some way?  How hard it can be to move past it or let go?  The work that goes into it?  The very act of doing that . . . that is creativity, that is art.  It is the same energy, exertion, and discipline used that a well received artist employs.

Have you ever seen the feet of a professional ballerina?  The fingers of an expert violinist?  It’s something personal inside that drives them to reach these levels and we see it physically in the beauty and refinement they bring into the world for both their own and other’s enjoyment.

Moving from a place of hurt or pain, into one of true forgiveness and letting go, is bringing something out of seemingly nothing.  Moving from a place of fear or terror in a situation, into one of peace and acceptance . . . that is an act of creation.  It is an art form.  The result of that hard work is seen in the character and personality of a person, and the beauty and refinement that person brings into the world that wasn’t there before.

Which brings me to this morning’s thoughts about art.

I was writing in my journal and reminding myself to settle down into my body and just be happy being me.  Not someone special, not someone who has to put on a show, not someone who has to know the answers or lecture . . . but just the art of being myself at all times with no pretenses.  It hit me only as I wrote it, just how true that statement is.  Learning to be myself has been in itself a lifelong art form.

I’ve seen my past as suffering and something I had to endure.  I’ve seen it as tragic and painful.  I’ve seen all of the immense and intense hard work I’ve put into myself in the past decade as healing.  But what I have not seen, is what it truly has been . . . a refining of self.

Adversity, struggle, pain, suffering, fear . . . these things teach us.  They make us stronger.  They remove what isn’t real or true about us.  When you survive something you didn’t think you could survive . . . when you heal from something that you thought would kill you . . . you become so much more than you were before.  When you start to learn how to bend in life, instead of break . . . that is when you truly start to live.

My physical body and incarnation at this time on Earth, is like an instrument that my soul and spirit are learning how to play and master.  Just like when I first learned how to play the flute, I would practice the 12 major scales and arpeggios over and over for hours.  The chromatic scale as many octaves as I could handle over and over.  Working out the weaknesses, the kinks.  Strengthening my embouchure.  Making my fingers more quick and nimble.  Increasing my capacity for breath and control.  Over years, coming together for longer sustained periods of what I can only describe as a state of grace . . . when the instrument, music, and my spirit merged into a single flow of being . . . and I was at peace with myself and the world.  I only knew warmth and love and expression of that love through my flute.

I am learning how to do that as a human.  How to master being who I really am as a soul while in human form . . . and the motivation being for the love and joy of the art itself when it all comes together into a state of grace and being.  The sum of my life . . . the sum of all I’ve been through and the sum of how I choose to use those experiences to become a more true expression of my soul while incarnated . . . that is my artistic expression.  It doesn’t matter where I’m at or what I’m doing . . . I can practice my art in all things and in all ways.  I don’t have to find the right occupation that will bring me happiness . . . I can learn how to be me and at peace with myself and life in whatever I do because that is the more true objective in my life.

I’m learning how to be in a state of being regardless of circumstances, not how to stop the circumstances from being.

Being a Cat

In My Search For Peace

I’ve been sitting at my new dining table, working on a puzzle.  I should be going to bed.  As I’ve been piecing together the Geishas in my puzzle, I’ve been thinking, wondering about my life.

The dance poses of Geisha have always stirred something in my soul.  Even as I sit still and silent and stare at the artistic images of them in the quiet of my home, I can feel my soul mimicking and moving in a slow and understated grace.  My soul understands something about them that I do not.  It remembers something that I do not.

I feel for them what an adult might feel for their childhood, if it was a happy one.  An ache in the heart for something that can’t be brought back.  Homesickness for a lost home.

Just me and ghosts of geishas conversing in silence.

I was wondering with them why it’s been so long since I’ve felt truly inspired in my writing.  Why I’ve stopped feeling any satisfaction from it.

It feels like I write to a black void.

I share because it is my nature to.  Even if I was the last human on Earth, I would feel compelled to communicate and share.

I’m not entirely sure how much different it would feel to me if I was the last human on Earth.  As it is, I’ve long since resorted to communing with the trees . . . the wind . . . clouds . . . animals . . . even bugs (if only to respectfully ask them to respect my space and leave . . . which they do).

I know people have tried to hear and understand me.  I don’t mean to dismiss or invalidate others in my life.  They are doing their best, I know.  I love them.

But I’ve felt more seen, and known, and loved by clouds that were passing by, than I have by another human.  The trees have time for me and listen with open hearts.  They are not defensive or caught up in looking good or being right.

The wind is honest in it’s expression.  It has no reason to cover up or hide.

I’m not saying that people don’t care for me, I know that’s not true, they care for me in the only way they know how.  But in comparison with what it’s like to commune with nature, humans are so disconnected from themselves.  How could I possibly expect humans to see me when they aren’t even aware that they can’t see themselves.

They are wrapped in hurt, pain, conditioning and they try to label it as “being themselves” . . . but it is not who they really are.

People seemed to have lost the ability to discern when someone is speaking from the heart and when someone is merely mimicking someone who is speaking from the heart.  They all get thrown into the same cauldron and treated the same.  It’s a shame.

I don’t feel like there is anything I could share of myself that would make any difference in the world or even be heard above all of the noise.

I know I have great value, but I do not feel valuable to this world.

I also know that greater peace comes to me when I am able to accept people and the world just as it is, and stop thinking that I have any role to play in helping others find their way.  People will find their own way without my help, just as they have from the dawn of time.

I am content enough in my connection to life.  Who knows, maybe even more happy than the happiest humans pretend to be.

flower power

Self Knowledge Is Self Empowerment

This morning I was responding to comments from my last blog post, Breaking Open.  And not for the first time when replying to a comment, I found that my reply was turning into a full blown blog post.  Something happens for me in that particular dynamic that clears my head, and I go into a very clear and sacred space.

The big picture view and my own personal view come into focus and it’s almost like everything has already been written . . . I’m just copying it down as if I was taking notes in a class.  In that space, everything makes sense.  Everything is understood.  It is a place of timelessness.  It is a place of peace and love.

(Oh man if you could see in my head right now, my natal chart has just lit up like a pinball machine on crack . . . I can see exactly how everything I’m writing today is shown prominently in my birth chart.)

I hope a way presents itself on how I can incorporate that more into this blog, because I am much happier writing from that space.  Until then, I’d like to share what came from my initial attempt to reply to a comment.

It was in reply to Astrologerpeg’s comment.  (Here’s a shout out to her own blog site Astrologerpeg’s Blog . . . that’s what you can expect from me if I call you out unexpectedly in one of my posts.  Free advertising ; )  But back to the comment, most specifically to this part:

 I don’t know what we can do about the world, except visualize it better and believe that one day it will be better

I would imagine that Astrologerpeg is far from alone in her thoughts about this.  Things are insane . . . but what do we do?

I started to reply with a big fat “I don’t know” . . . except when I started typing . . . something else came out instead.  I don’t think it’s *the* answer, but I believe it’s *an* answer.  The remainder of this post is that *something* that my heart wanted to say.  (And thanks Astrologerpeg for being the person that I needed to help me focus and clear my thoughts, enabling me to be able to communicate them at all.  A perfect example of how just being who you are, can help others in ways you can’t possibly imagine.)

How I feel about it right now, is that a lot of focus is currently on what we can do to change other people.  “If I do *A*, then the other person will do *B*, and then that will make the world a better place.”  But all that does, is force us to project our world and understanding of it onto another person.  It forces us to make assumptions and judgments about them.  When we do that, we aren’t really listening to what they have to offer, and we’re not seeing who the person is and ultimately we just end up negating them.  I don’t feel that is helping the world.

I can’t know another person better than themselves.  I don’t know what they know, I haven’t experienced what they’ve experienced.  So how can I tell them who or how to be, or even what is best for them?  So I feel, that instead of trying to tell everyone else what to do, feel, or think . . . that we first focus on learning and understanding who we are for ourselves.

Why do I need to do things this way?  Why does this make me feel the way it does?  What hurts me?  What makes me happy?  Why?

Not from a defensive judgmental standpoint, but from a place of childlike curiosity (aka Gemini :).  It is like unwrapping a never-ending present.  A great joy comes from discovering who *you* really are.

When a person understands themselves, then they are more easily able to communicate back out to others what is and is not true for them.  What is and is not okay for them. Healthy boundaries are easier to set and maintain.  It’s harder to be manipulated and controlled by others.  It becomes more difficult to fall into “victim” status.

Knowledge is power.  So knowledge of self becomes Self-Empowerment.

A tremendous amount of inspiration in my life came from the quote by Mahatma Gandhi, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.”  I have it written on a slab of stone hanging over my fireplace.  When something inspires me, I take it to heart and I strive to live by it.

The things that inspire us, make us happy, and brings us to life . . . they do so because it is something important to who we are in our heart.  The same things that inspire me won’t necessarily inspire jack-shit in another person no matter how much I like them . . . because it’s not a part of who they are meant to be.  It’s not a part of their journey.  Some things inspire all of us because they touch on a universal truth, but that’s the exception and not the rule.

So why then, do we try to take our personal truths and make everyone else live them?  (I am one of the biggest offenders of this, btw.)  It’s with good intentions, yes . . . but what happens is when others choose to do their own thing instead of what you’re doing . . . it feels like you don’t support them on their path, and like they don’t support you on yours . . . and then it becomes harder to be who you are around others.  That’s a lose/lose.

But what if, instead . . . we just took those things that speak to our heart and become those things ourselves.

The more that I become who I am by embodying what I hold most valuable and dear to my heart . . . the less need I feel to judge or change anyone else around me.  The more I’m able to truly see others for who they are, and not as I need or wish them to be.  The more I’m able to actually live my life on purpose, and not spend all of my energy trying to control and manipulate everyone around me in an effort to make the world better by my standards.

So I guess my feeling about what can be done to change the world . . . is that you don’t.  I don’t feel that the focus should be on changing the world.  That’s too much responsibility for one human.  There’s no way you’re going to convince 7+ billion people to all think one way, because each has their own way that needs to be honored.  But if all 7+ billion people all truly understood and honored their own, unique way . . . then the world would change.

No, but I do!

No, but I do!

Living in Grace – Doing Virgo Right

Well, it’s that time of year again when the Sun is making it’s way through Virgo.  Or what I like to call the “you are currently incarnated in a human body and you need to come to peace with it” sign.

When I was first studying Astrology, I was given a very dismal impression of Virgo.  Most texts tend to paint the sign into an analytical, critical, uptight perfectionist, hypochondriac corner.  Yeah, you sound like a hoot, Virgo.

I don’t have any natal planets in Virgo, and yet, this sign has a huge part to play in my life.  All of us have it somewhere in our chart/life.  So listen up, because it applies to all of us.

Virgo is ruled by the planet Mercury (as is Gemini), and rules the 6th house of the natural zodiac.  The traditional premise behind 6th house is regarding our “job” in life.  What we do for a living day to day.  How do we serve life while in life?  For some people it’s their actual job, for some it’s what they do on the side (i.e. hobby), and for some it’s just their existence.  It’s also known as the house of health and healer.  It used to be known as the house of servants.  But now it’s understood as the house of service (how do we serve in life).  Being of service is a completely different concept than being a servant.  It’s also the house that rules pets.  Awwww.  Where would we be without our furry friends?

There’s what I understood of Virgo when learning Astrology, and then there is how I’ve come to understand it in real life experiences.  It’s those understandings that I’d like to share with you today.

Have you ever had a moment in life, when everything seems to have come together . . . the planets have aligned . . . everything comes into focus . . . and something wonderful, warm, and beautiful spreads through you.  Life is glowing, bright, and it feels like nothing could possibly go wrong.  Your eyes are sparkling, you feel wide open to whatever the day holds.  You feel whole, love, nurtured, happy.  You just want to shout, “It feels GOOD to be alive!!!!”

Or have you ever felt so at peace and content with the moment.  You’re just moving with the flow and doing whatever is needed at the moment without resistance or fight.  And it feels good.  Singing while folding the laundry.  Dancing while vacuuming.  Feeling such a deep, content, warmth for life in general and all that involves.  You attend to whatever needs to be happening at the moment (even if it’s nothing) with such openness, love, caring, and tenderness.  With joy and happiness in your heart and soul.  Even if you’re scrubbing the toilet.  You are doing these things from the heart and not for anything in return.  Not for appreciation, thanks, attention or anything from others.  You do it *only* because you feel moved to.  True service.

Those are a couple examples of Virgo at its finest.

Have you ever felt times when every little, single, solitary thing was driving you insane.  The kitchen floor is sticky.  Spots on the glasses.  The squeak you hear in the car every time you drive over a bump.  That one section of hair that won’t stay down.  The smell in the bathroom.  The trash that didn’t quite make it into the garbage can.  The neighbor’s TV volume is too loud.  Something sticky all over the shelves in the refrigerator.  AAAARRRGGGHHHH!!! It’s always something!  Nothing is ever okay, and if something is wrong . . . EVERYTHING IS WRONG!

Or how about the feeling like every single day is the same drudgery.  Day in, day out, same old thing.  You get up and eat breakfast.  You go to school or work (both suck equally).  You go through your routine.  You’re unhappy, but whatcha gonna do?  You run errands.  You drop off the kids, you pick up the kids.  You get groceries, cook dinner, feed the animals (and the pets).  The whole time, you’re dreaming of the day that you get to do what you *really* want to do.  But, this stupid “life” thing keeps getting in the way.  You go to bed.  You can’t sleep because you have all this jibber jabber going on in your head.  You contemplate running away and joining a circus.  You wonder if this is all there is to life, and what happened to your dreams?  But let’s get real, that’s never going to happen.  You suddenly wake up to your alarm going off and repeat it all over again.  Nothing ever changes.  Little by little, your life drains away until you become old and bitter.

{Big Sigh}

Those are a couple examples of Virgo being a freaking stick in the mud.

Just to help set the scene to better understand the remainder of what I want to share, here is a minor detour.

There are 12 zodiac signs.  Every sign has another sign across from it.  Those two signs across from each other are known as an axis.  This is very important information.  The sign across from Virgo is Pisces.  Pisces is the “other side”, the divine, “home”/heaven, imagination, dreams, escapism, martyr/victim, sinner/saints, spirituality, hippies, alcoholism, fog, confusion, etc.  It seems like the opposite of focused, clear, anal-retentive Virgo.

But here’s how they’re two sides of the same coin.

Pisces is the eternal part of us.  It’s our connection to the place where our eternal selves are from.  Virgo, is the eternal part of ourselves living a life within a physical body and all of the awesome things that go along with that.

We need food, love, and shelter.  These are not concerns when in Pisces where you can survive off of ether.  They are very much a concern when in Virgo.  When we are unable to get necessities for living in body, our health fails.  When we have trouble dealing with life, we try to escape it.  That’s going from Virgo –> Pisces.  Escapism.  It could be through alcohol, drugs, tv, shopping, meditating, spiritualism, denial, being a victim, etc.  Pretty much anything can be used to avoid being a participant in life.  We are super clever beings.

Virgo rules the lower intestines.  When you’re stressed out over the details and non-important things in life or worrying, and you get stomach cramps . . . you’re manifesting Virgo issues.  When you become closed to participating in life (in any number of forms and in any number of ways), it actually tightens this area inside your body.  The more you try to escape from your body, the more this closes and the more ill you become.  When you’ve shut life out completely . . . you have effectively become the Living Dead.  You are a ghost.  Your body is operating and you’re going through the motions . . . but you are as good as dead.

The paradox with the Virgo/Pisces axis (each axis of the zodiac has a paradox that is actually the resolution of duality between the two . . . Gemini’s domain) is that the more you try to escape to Pisces (bliss, heaven, spirituality, compassion/unconditional love, god, illusion, non-existence, avoidance) the further away it becomes and the more you suffer physically.  Same for Virgo.  The more you try to lose yourself in your physical life (I’m looking at you, work-a-holics) and avoid your spiritual side, the further from life you become and get lost in the Pisces fog or become a perpetual victim of circumstances.

When this axis is out of whack in your life, you become cut off from one or the other.  You either become lost in spiritual idealism and can’t seem to connect or understand how to “do” life (i.e. . . . “I can’t because I’m too sensitive” . . . everything overwhelms you), or you get so stuck in physical life that you actually believe that that is all you are and all there is and forget the eternal part of yourself.  You can’t see the forest for the trees.  You’re lost in pointless details and think there is NO other way than the suckiness that is.  Life loses meaning or purpose.

When an open flow is happening between the two, and reconciliation of duality has occurred . . .

Life.Becomes.Breathtaking.

It is how “living in the moment” happens.  It is living in a constant state of grace.  You are open to life.  Life itself becomes so beautiful that it brings you to tears.  You have such love, warmth, and patience for everything and everyone.  You become capable of giving unconditional love.  But you are able to define and enforce boundaries.  You understand yourself as an individual separate from others, but you are simultaneously aware of the connection and sacredness of all of existence.  Life becomes a living, moving, breathing meditation.

You are open to life and all it has to offer.  The good, bad, and the ugly.  You don’t shy from responsibilities . . . you openly face whatever comes your way and needs to be dealt with.  You are in love with life.  You are connected to your own inner moral compass and no longer need validation or approval from outside of yourself.  You are able to truly serve in life.  You are able to truly live.  There is no need to rush or force anything.  You know when to be still and when to move.  You are able to see how all of the details fit into the bigger picture, and so understand what is truly important and what can be released.  You don’t sweat the small stuff.

You start to live life as it was meant to be lived.  You understand that there are all kinds of things we get to experience while in human form that we aren’t able to experience while in higher vibrations.  And as a Soul, we WANT to experience these things in physical life.  We want to know what sadness feels like.  We want to know what loss feels like.  Because outside of physical life, we KNOW that we can’t lose anyone.  Only here, while in physical body and with temporary forgetfulness, are we capable of feeling loss.

We didn’t come here to AVOID Life!!!!  This is a gift.  This is an opportunity.  FEEL it all. Be in the experience.  Not just the good, but also the “bad”.  Let yourself MOURN.  Do it with gusto.  Open up wide and let it out . . . let it go.  Don’t hold it tight in your body.  That’s how we get sick.  We hold tightly onto these things we feel or tighten ourselves against feeling those things . . . and by doing so we close ourselves off from life and living.

We may spend all of our time analyzing things in order to keep from anything bad from happening.  That is a form of avoidance of life.  You cannot control life.  You cannot stop the bad from happening, because it is a part of life.  Get.over.it.  If you live your life as it was meant to be lived, then you will have plenty of reserves to be capable of handling the harder times.  But if you spend all of your life energy being afraid of it or trying to avoid it, then you’ll be all tapped out during the harder times.

We may put all of our attention into obsessing over health and fitness, and being so anal about the calories or types of food we put into our bodies . . . that we totally miss that the restrictions we are putting on ourselves are keeping us from opening up and enjoying life as it is.  A ninja form of avoidance.  Becoming so focused on the details of body upkeep, that we STILL end up missing the real point of life.  (Hint: It’s not about being a health nut.)

While the sun moves through Virgo (end of Aug, most of Sept.), it sheds light on all areas of our life affected by this sign.  Have we become so strict with ourselves about how we live . . . that we have effectively squeezed the life out of ourselves?  Do we live open and excited about the opportunities we have been given with this life . . . or are we tolerating life and limping/crawling to the finish line?  Is our perspective too small, or do we think outside of the box for new solutions.

If you are someone who *must* analyze things (I’m totally included in this), then ask yourself what is stopping you from openly, full-heartedly shouting “I LOVE LIFE!!” . . . and whatever it is . . . get over it.

Pretty Details

The pretty details of Life

Only I Am the Boss of Me

Today feels like a power building day for me.  Building up power is a process that shouldn’t be rushed or forced.  It requires your presence and awareness, even as you direct and make room for the increasing energy.  Even as you let yourself feel deeply and surrender control.

Surrender the feeling of thinking you have any say in how things go down, both in your life and others.  Quit fixating on making things how you think you want them to be.  Your job becomes opening to whatever is being asked of you, and not whatever you have thumping in your head day in and day out.  Your job becomes directing whatever comes through you, not trying to make whatever comes in, fit your tightly held understanding of how the world is supposed to be or even how you want it to be.

You are simply holding the space and structure for it to come through.  You are meant to guide it, but you do not have the right to control it.  It is a gift.  Treat it as such.  Respect, trust, and honor it by opening the way for it as wide as possible, and by not trying to change it.  Let it be, what it is meant to be.  If you feel tightening or weakening, you are trying to control it.  When you feel expansion, warmth, joy, love, and like your body is filled with oxygen, strength. . . you have gotten out of your own way.

What do you have to lose by giving into it?  You’ve obviously tried it a million other ways before, and still you can’t quite get where you’re trying to go. . . so what would happen if you just let go of trying to know better than Spirit?  Drop the burden of having to know how to do all of it, of trying to make it something that it doesn’t want to be.  How good would it feel to lay your burdens down?

When did we lose faith in something bigger than us?  When did we stop trusting in the grand scheme of things?  All we try to do every moment of every day of our life is control everything and everyone around us.  We pass laws and yell at each other how we or they should be, and the whole while nobody takes responsibility for themselves.  You’ll have to excuse the younger generations for not listening to their elders, when it’s obvious they have no idea what they are doing.

If you want respect, you must give it.

Just because you may find yourself in a position of authority or are older, does not mean you get to do whatever you want at the expense of others.  It does not mean that you own others.  It does not mean that you get to control others to further your own selfish agenda.

I look at my son’s generation, and then I look out at the world at what they are being given to model themselves after.

And it’s pathetic.

A government that doesn’t know how to responsibly budget and spend money, and who rewards corporations for making poor financial choices . . . and throws the people themselves into jail for not being able to pay their bills.  Why are the people of the country expected to be more grown up and responsible than their own government and leaders?

The world’s governments show the kids that when you can’t settle your differences, you go to war and you kill each other.

And then when they act out in the same ways, our government throws them into prisons and say they are what’s wrong with society.  Or they blame the parents.  They don’t take personal responsibility for having failed as a leader, they blame everyone else around them.

And then they wonder why the younger generations don’t take responsibility for themselves.

They are a direct reflection of where and how they’ve been failed by their leaders and authorities.  And now, as they enter adult hood, they are being asked to be even more grown up than those that have gone before them in order to try and make things right again.

It’s so infuriating, it’s enough to make me want to cut myself too.

Where have all the grown ups gone?  Where are our elders?  Where are the true leaders?

I see nothing but cyclical, repeated dysfunction that perpetuates from generation to generation – and we are taught and even forced against our will from early childhood, to conform to it.  Told “That’s just how things are” or “Welcome to reality.”

Well, Fuck.That.

I will not be told by others who have yet to grow up themselves, how things should be.  I will not go against my own inner authority and continue to disempower myself and feel helpless about the circumstances I’m in, just because there are a bunch of spoiled children currently running the show.

They continually cross people’s personal boundaries and dictate to them who and how they should be.  That shows a lack of trust in the people as well as a lack of trust in their own ability to lead.  It sets up the victim/aggressor energy dynamic that we see running rampant around the world. We’re told what to do so often, that we no longer remember how to count on or trust in ourselves or each other.

That generation was disempowered themselves as children.  And so now we all pay for it as they take up leadership positions.

In turn they disempower, even further, the younger generations. . . and we will pay for that as they come into power.

I am NOT going to sit here and see all of this unfolding, and be the helpless victim that can’t do anything about it.  I know EXACTLY what to do about it.

I’m going to be a grown up myself.  I’ve always felt like I had to be a grown up, but I mean to be a grown up furreals.  And in my own way, not what I’ve been shown it means to be a grown up.

I cannot look to our current leaders and authority figures to know how to do that.  To copy them, is to continue the same problems that we find ourselves in today.

I have to get out of the habit of thinking that they know better than me, that they are smarter than me.  They are not.

They are scared too.  They don’t know any better than the rest of us what should be done.  I’m sure at some level they wish that someone who knew better than them could step in and help.  The same way that a child feels when faced with circumstances that somehow got away from them and are overwhelmed.

It’s time to listen to what we feel deep inside of ourselves, and respond from there. . . and not from what we’ve been shown by the rest of the world by their actions.

I will speak up for myself when I feel a boundary has been crossed, regardless if it’s something currently accepted by societal norms.  I will find the strength to be contrary when it’s something important to me.

I will let myself feel strongly.  I will be silly when the feeling comes across me.  I will sing when my heart demands it.  I will dance when the energy moves me to do so.

I will be understanding and loving of others, including their faults . . . but I will not tolerate being treated any less than I deserve.  I will hold true to myself, and in doing so – hold others true to themselves.

I will not back down just for the sake of peace and non-confrontation, I will confront whatever issue is brought into my life and my attention, and I will do it with openness and respect for all involved and insist the same in return.

I will be consciously aware of what I am spending my time on.  I will nurture whatever I feel is important enough to be spending time on.  I will insist from myself that I only live from an open and loving heart.

I will let things be how they are meant to be and not try to force or control them.  I can only control my response to what is brought into my life.  I will come to peace within myself for anything outside of that control.

I will live a life that shows it is okay to feel and be alive.  I will feel joy and genuine enthusiasm again.  I will live an unapologetic life.  I’m tired of being ashamed of being alive and human.  I’m tired of being ashamed about caring about things.  I’m tired of feelings being viewed as a disease.  I will fetter kindness nilly willy around me like it’s something that grows on trees.

Bottomline, is that there is no reason or excuse for me to be anything other than the things I know how to be.  At this stage in the game, I have nothing left to lose. . . but everything to gain.

I never found the role model I was always looking for in life.  That someone who could help me navigate the rough waters of life, having made it through the treacherous waters themselves.  Everyone I met, was just as lost as I was.  Some knew they were lost, some only saw me as being the one lost.

I don’t know when it happened exactly. But one day while looking in the mirror as I put on my makeup, I realized that somewhere along the line. . . I had become the person I was looking for.  I had become my own authority.  And, only I am the boss of me.

I don’t know what happened to the great leaders of yesteryear, but I do need to face the possibility that I may be one of the leaders of tomorrow.  Which means I need to start stepping up to the plate, and taking my place.

My whole life I’ve been scared of people and especially any authority figures, and the last thing I ever thought I would be is a leader of any kind.  But when I open up to what is coming into me, and see it for what it really is and not what I think it should be, that’s what it tells me is coming into being.

Whatever is going to happen, is going to happen.  All anyone can really do, is go along with it willingly . . . or get dragged through it miserably.  The Universe is all, “Whatevs”. : D

The Sun is the Boss of itself

Be You Now

I really push myself to expand beyond my comfort zone for these posts.  I’m starting to get a feel for the process and the feeling that comes when I’ve reached the place in me that has something that wants to be shared.  A unique combination of feelings start to unfold and I feel the usual tension in my midsection start to let go, and I literally. . . feel my being begin to expand outward past my normal limits.  My awareness becomes bigger.

Today I felt it come on during my walk.  I felt it start to happen. . . and could feel a part of me feel scared about that bigness, and try to resist or convince it to go back in its cage.  But, my bigness just held the space and said quietly . . . “Why?”  And then the Resistance was gone, seeing that Bigness meant business.

But the answer to the question of “Why?” continued to unfold in me.  Appropriately, my random song shuffle, chose an epic soundtrack.  Making it more convincing to my Bigness, that we were in some really awesome movie and walking slowly towards the viewer while explosions went off around me, and I looked more or less unaffected.  Dramatic.  Epic.  Bigness.  is quickly followed by Shame. Guilt. Smallness.

Or was.

Why?  I asked myself.  What’s wrong with it.  What’s wrong with feeling Big.  What’s wrong with any of the things we feel?  Why are they thrown around like insults?

Feeling the unique combination of feelings start to unfold, letting me know I had hit my target for today’s topic, I let my Being fan out to collect the pieces of the story that wanted to be shared today.

I saw one of the gossamer threads come back to me with a memory of a recent comment I read on another blog about their fight with mental illness.

I saw another gossamer thread come back with this blog http://aopinionatedman.com/ and http://wrongwithlife.wordpress.com/ and this one http://www.jamesaltucher.com/, all of which I had recently hopped into briefly and scanned their posts.

I felt inside of me, a feeling of “realness” and “rawness”.  I felt chills and a feeling of electrical power radiate outward, that felt good to open up to and let through instead of trying to stop it.  In that radiating feeling, and gossamer etheric threads weaving something together, I thought of my feeling bad for feeling Big.  The woman who struggled with a life of “mental illness”.  The courage of these individuals I had just come across in the last day, to speak their truth.

I felt a strength start to pour and spread in me.  Seeing someone. . . anyone speak their own truth, unapologetically. . . is so empowering.  And in that moment, I was only feeling the gossamer threads of 4 or 5 of these brave souls in that moment. . . but the quantum leap of power and strength that was to be had in the combining and networking of the few. . . was immense.  It was POWERFUL.  It brought such.pure.joy. into my being.

Each of these people are from completely different walks of life.  They each have completely different things to say.  In person, they may not give each other a 2nd glance.  But each have something to offer all of us.  I could feel the energy of one come into me like a part of a song, and then the next came in and weaved itself into the song. . . and the next.  I could feel the commonality between all of them. . . their truth. . . the song that is released into the unseen when each is speaking their truth, whatever that truth is. . . weaves itself together and in the process. . . strengthens the whole.

In that moment, I got to stand in the middle of it, with my Bigness hanging out having a heyday.  I got to see it and feel it with all of my sensitivity that I realized was actually a gift.

There are some pretty good movies out there, with great special effects.  But they ain’t got NOTHING on this.

I felt I belonged on the set of Avatar.

All of this, while I’m walking through a busy downtown.  The bigness, the swirls of energy around me, the connections, the strength found in each person who speaks their truth and the collected strength we all gain from them.  The songs, beauty, joy that it weaves into the etheric.

In the unseen spectacle that was unfolding all around and within me, I felt acceptance of all that I was.  I did not feel sorry about any of the things that make up me.  How I can sometimes be “too much”.  That I can be intense.  That I can be stubborn.  That I can be DRAMATIC.  That I offend.  That I am loud.  That I am emotional.  That I am sensitive.

And with that acceptance, I was able to release all judgments of myself and others.  Because the immensity of beauty and power that came from people being real, made me only love all of those differences in them.  And how alone, they may not make any sense, but from the view of how they fit with the others. . . I saw that each was perfect.  And only seeing it from my Bigness, was I able to see and understand just how perfect and precise each person was.  Each complimented the other in ways that could never have been guessed at the individual level.

We don’t need to change each other.  We don’t need to fix anything.  Let go of thinking that if others would do this or that, *then* things would be better for all of us.  We *only* need to be who WE are inside.  Be ALL of who you are.  Embrace it, love it, share it.  Bring it to the table.  Everyone.

Join, the very literal, Symphony of Life.  Finding you and being the full expression of YOU is all that is being asked.  Not what you were conditioned to think is you, not what you think you are supposed to be.  Being “good” is over rated.  Being “nice” is over rated.  Being a “giver” is over rated.  Listen inside to what you feel and let *that* out.

You will know when you’ve hit the part of you that is real, underneath all the masks and conditioning.  You will know, because it will be like a breath of fresh air.  It will be like experiencing life for the first time.  You will wish for more of it.  You will become greedy for it, because you have been starving for it.  It is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  It is like a good stretch after an awesome nap.  It will feel like you’ve finally found the road home, and as soon as you recognize it… you’ll start sprinting.

There are many of us beginning to gather on this road home.  I hope to see you there.  Your presence makes the song that much more beautiful for all of us.