A Life Of Joy At Death’s Door

Death is one of the most deep and intimate things you can experience while in life.  Whether it be through the death of a loved one or a stranger you read about half way across the world.

Death is the ultimate surrendering.  The ultimate letting go.

In astrology, death is found in the 8th house, represented by the sign of Scorpio and by the planet of Pluto.  The energies of death, sex, and intimacy.  The joint resources between partners.

This energy that runs through those representative symbols, just like the other houses/signs/planets in astrology, is the grouping of an energy that acts as a foundation and understanding about nature and cycles.  The reason they *rule* certain things in life is because those things are related.  They aren’t just willy nilly grouped that way for fun.

When I’m trying to better understand the nature of something, I also take a look at the things that are commonly associated with it over time.  From there I am able to start seeing the single thread of energy that moves through all of them.  Once I can see that, I am able to integrate and extrapolate further meaning about that single thread of energy.  This is one of the cool benefits I gain from having a Sun/Jupiter conjunction in Gemini.

But Gemini is more of a superficial sign.  Only interested in what is right in front of them and in the moment.  Distracted by the shiny and sparkly things in life.  It’s the sign of youthfulness and childlike wonder.  It is a happy energy.  When I think of Gemini I feel a sunshiny yellow color.  The color of summer and things that are lit up bright and beautiful and warm.  Gemini, being one of three air signs, is the refreshing breeze that comes through and livens things up.  The social butterfly.

While Gemini does have a dark twin, and you’re never sure which you’re going to get . . . for the most part, death is a far and distant concept for them.  It’s this thing that happens and it’s super sad, but ‘hey, that’s life’ as they go tra-la-la-la-la-ing onto their tiptoes in an impromptu dance where they’re not really listening to anything you’re saying anyways.

So what exactly is up with *this* Gemini that I dive so deep into such intimate matters of the Scorpio variety?  Well many things, but the most influential is what I have in direct opposition from my Sun & Jupiter, my Neptune/Moon conjunction in Sagittarius.  The most interesting thing about it to me, is in the house system I use (Koch), even though both are at 14 degrees, my Moon is in the 8th house and my Neptune is in the 9th house.

My 9th house cusp is right in the middle of those two . . . and boy can I feel it.  Here’s why.  I see 8th house as the house of ultimate depth and the ultimate release . . . which at the moment of release,  the energy starts to soar upward into the 9th house (naturally ruled by Sagittarius) of higher truth and freedom.  My Moon and Neptune are straddling that crossover, along with being *in* the sign of Sagittarius.  The Moon is a very personal planet.  It’s what you feel in your core.  If you were to pull into yourself like a turtle and just be in the center and essence of *you* . . . this is your Moon.  Well, technically it’s the IC (4th house cusp), but it’s represented planet-wise through your Moon.

My Moon in the 8th house shows a natural comfort zone in the energetic zone of death and intimacy.  But being in Sagittarius and sitting snug with Neptune . . . it’s the *surrender* moment . . . where the soul surrenders to the Divine.  “Let go and let God.”  It’s the sign of the Free Spirit.  The shadow side of Sagittarius can be someone running from the deeper, serious things in life.  I very much have the tendency in me to haul ass out of situations that get too serious.  The Sagittarius that is growing up, is one who stops running from these things and learns how to be free by embracing all of life.  It’s also the sign of joy.  🙂

My struggle in this life has been to be present in all life situations without going into make-believe or pretend.  My tendency is to become a silver lining sayings factory instead of actually letting the reality of the situation sink into me.  When I was 16 my maternal grandmother died.  Could.not.handle.it.  A whole bunch of NOPE came up in me.  My family wanted me to come to the funeral . . . said I would regret it one day if I didn’t go.  Nope.  That’s all I felt inside of me.  If I don’t go to the funeral, it didn’t happen.

My interest in life after death consumed my childhood.  In the 4th grade I did an oral report on reincarnation.  In hindsight it was a really dumb thing to do, because at the time I lived in the southern US state of Georgia, also known as the bible belt of America.  I was excited to share this information, but was met with a room full of frowny angry faces.

Also, I always had dreams where people who had died in our family would come to me with messages to give other family members.  I could sense, feel, and hear ghosts/spirits.  I purposely blocked them from my vision because there is only so much a little girl can handle in the dark by herself.

I was also plagued by incredibly gruesome dreams.  Dreams where I was put in horrible situations such as being shot in the head and being forced to make a choice between me being shot in the head first and ending my suffering, or having a child I was protecting be shot in the head first so that her suffering ended first . . . however I would have to witness it.

I was taken to a lot of counselors and psychologists when I was younger.

The point being . . . you can run, but you can’t hide from who you are and what you’re meant for in the world.  A point made very clearly to me in a dream in which my maternal grandfather, who I had watched take his last breath in this life, came to me and told me that I needed to get over my fear with this ability to travel back and forth between the veil of life and death, because it was going to happen ready or not.  Meaning, I better get my shit together and stop running from my fears because my natural abilities were going to start to bleed through whether I disciplined myself to deal with it or not.

I’ve had many dreams in which I’m placed in various scenarios where it’s *the* moment of death.  The moment where it’s time to go, and the soul is released from the body.  It’s lucid, and I stay aware during the whole process.  Every single time, I look to the others near me in the dream and I say to them . . . “Just let go.”

It’s my Moon mantra.

The feeling in the moment of dying in these dreams, is one where you let go of all attachments to life including the need to survive.  I feel all areas of the inner me literally detach energetically from the physical body.  It’s 100% openness.  It’s laying down all burdens.  A complete surrender to the All.

Imagine you were standing at the top of a 100 story building and you got shoved off.  There’s zero doubt you are about to die.  Maybe you feel some regret move through you.  Maybe a feeling of ‘oh shit . . . I should’ve lived more’.  Those will move through your mind pretty quickly until you come to a moment of clarity.  A single moment of knowing that “this is it”, who was most important to you, and then there is an instinctive response to “Let Go” where you close your eyes and you let every single thing you spent your life worrying about go.  All of it.

That is the moment of ultimate surrender.  Ultimate presence and awareness.  It’s ironically the moment when you are most alive, because your attention is not being scattered to the four winds in worry about taking the car to the shop, making dentist appointments for the family, grocery lists, that presentation at work . . . no, all of your awareness and attention is zeroed in on that moment.  It quickly condenses down to the few most important things in your life.  Your wife.  Your kids.  Your mom.  Whatever it is for you, in that moment you will know with all of your heart what mattered most to you in life, and they will be the last thoughts you have before you exit the body.

It’s when your heart is most open.  It’s when you are the most real and authentic you.  It’s the moment of truth.  The moment where everything false or unimportant is burned away in an instant.

That is where my Moon & Neptune reside energetically in my natal chart.

Between my Gemini Sun/Jupiter and my Sagittarius Neptune/Moon, I live perpetually in this doorway between life and death.  This doorway of surrender, what’s truly most important, and how wonderful each day we are given is.  It’s my comfort zone, this understanding of the transition between here and there . . . life and death.

An appreciation and love for that moment, even though it brings people so much pain and sorrow.  I also feel that deep pain and sorrow, but I simultaneously feel the surrender and release of all that isn’t real or true within me.  As I open to the incredible pain of loss and sorrow, whether it be personally for a loved one or for those I don’t know, like those lost during a natural disaster, my whole heart opens . . . lifting the separation of the worlds between life and death within, and flooding me with the absolute love the Divine has for each and every one of us.

It is where I am comforted and where I give comfort.

Speaking of which, I have a little kitty girl on my lap who is currently in this transition and is trying to let me know that it’s about time for her to go.  I’m trying to be brave and not resist it, but I don’t think anyone looks forward to opening themselves up to that level of pain.

It’s like throwing up.  You know you’ll feel better once you do it, but you’d rather not.

 funny-run-sign-screaming-hill

Furreals.

Earthquakes, sinkholes, meteorites, political madness, taxes, downward spiral of the economy, unemployment, crop failures, tornadoes, hurricanes, volcanoes, landslides, dying trees, solar flares, unpredictable weather, animal die-offs, shifting magnetic field, radiation poisoning, warfare, nukes, people losing their minds, the cost of oil, stock markets, gun control, religious fervor, terrorism, ufo sightings. . .

I don’t know about you, but I’m all apocalypsed out.

And I hope you can forgive me, but I’m having a *moment*.

I’m just sick of it.  And I’m not talking about the chaos.  The chaos, I get.  But, what I *don’t* get, is how in the f#!ck do we all manage to keep going business as usual, as if nothing is happening.  How is that happening?!

I’m going to let you in on a little secret.  Something is going on.  Something on a global level.  AND.  We are not being told the truth about what it is.  You have to be feeling it by now.  I know I’m hyper-sensitive and all, but please tell me that you’re at least aware at some level that something is going on?

If you only believe what your 5 senses tell you, then you are going to continue to be more and more in the dark about the true nature of what is happening around us.  This is a great time to start getting comfortable and warm and fuzzy with your feelings, and get plugged back into your heart.  The only place that you’re going to find out the truth of what is happening, is by listening to your own inner guidance.  Because I can tell you right now, the amount of garbage information being spewed out in the world at the moment is only going to confuse the hell out of you.

And it’s also a great time to figure out what is truly, TRULY important to you, and start LIVING by those values.  Don’t just talk about what is important to you.  Live it.  Be bold.  Change.  Find the courage in yourself to be someone you can be proud of.

If you currently feel that something out “there” in the world is going to help fill that feeling of un-satisfaction in you, or heal your broken heart, or make you feel more complete, you are sadly mistaken.  And you are running out of time to change it.

Getting that promotion at work isn’t going to do it.  Making more money isn’t going to do it.  Even being able to pay your bills isn’t going to do it.  It isn’t about achieving or obtaining anything, it is a state of mind.  I’ve been homeless and starving as a single mom… more than once.  And yes, it was great to get some food… that totally helped… but even after having enough money to rent an apartment and put food in my shelves… it did not make me feel better about life or myself.  It did raise my spirits, yes.  But the hurt in me, that put me in an emotional place that resulted in me becoming homeless and starving, was still there even after I had a place to live and food to eat.

What is missing and what you are looking for is your heart and your soul.  You will not find that in a can of soup, let me tell ya.

Quit kidding yourselves.  It is time to wake the fuck up.

Of all of the stuff happening in the world right now, which will only continue to escalate. . . how much control do you have over it?  Can you single-handedly stop it?  Probably not.  Ok, then what scares you the most about it (and if you’re not feeling at least some concern, you might want to check your pulse).

What seems to be people’s main focus when faced with all of this, is death.  Either of themselves or of their loved ones.  Or of people trying to take their stuff or not having enough stuff to survive.  Or being helpless or hopeless to do anything at all.

You need to remember yourselves.  You need to remember what’s truly, truly important.  What can you take with you when you die?  Can you take your job title?  Your bank account?  Your house?  Your clothes?  If you can’t take it with you when you die. . . then it is of no lasting importance.

When you are in touch with yourself, your feelings, your heart, your soul – then you begin to lose your fear – because you begin to understand and feel, for yourself, that you are eternal.  Your consciousness does not die when you do.  There is much, much more to existence than this plane.  There *is* life after we leave here.  And there is contact between the two places.  But you have to be in touch with the part of yourself that you have been hiding or denying all this time.  Your loved ones that have gone before you, are still alive.  You *will* see them again.

When you start to remember, and feel it fully within your body, that you do not blink out of existence at the end of this life – then you begin to lose fear of what is happening in the world.  You begin to find your center and the peace within, even as chaos swirls around you. . . because you know that you and everyone you love. . . is forever.  This?  All of this on Earth?  It is but a temporary part of our existence.

And at the end of this life, whenever that may be, I can promise you. . . that you aren’t going to care about 90% of the stuff that has your panties in a bunch right now.  Being on time to meetings, spending that extra hour or two at work, having a big title, a full bank account. . . those things aren’t even going to register.  But living in your heart, being kind and open, being forgiving of yourself and others, slowing down to appreciate what is beautiful. . .THOSE are the things that will fill you with satisfaction at a life well lived.

I’m not saying that we’re all going to die suddenly.  I’m not saying that we aren’t.  I’m saying, it’s time to know what is really important in our lives and start living from there regardless of what happens, because that is the only place you’re going to be finding stable ground and sanity in the coming months and years.  And it takes time, practice, and patience to figure out what that means to a person and to put it into practice.

The more people that do it, the easier it is for others to do the same.  A ripple effect.

You don’t have to rip your world apart or quit your job.  It can be as simple as making different decisions on how you use your time.  Learn to say no.  Learn to ask for help.  Be honest with yourself.  Pay attention to your emotions.  If you respond in a strong emotion like  anger, it doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with *you*, it means that *something* is wrong and needs your attention.  Our emotions are like a thermometer of what’s going on with us behind the scenes, but they are not our identity.  Don’t be afraid to go in there and find out what the problem is under the hood when the maintenance light comes on, just don’t think that the maintenance light *is* you.

Love and feel warmth.

Feel through the illusion of this world, and live from where it’s real.

Giving the "I know you aren't trying to sneak a picture of me" look