This Light Inside Of Me Is Mine. There Are Many Like It, But This One Is Mine.

Omg, where did I go?  It’s like I fell off the face of the Earth these last couple of months.  This was the first time since I started actively writing on this blog, that I skipped an entire month without posting.  Sorry, November 2014, you don’t get a place of your own in my archive list.  {A moment of silence 😦 }

Now, that’s not to say I didn’t think of you guys, I most certainly did.  This place has come to feel like a favorite hangout of mine, and my readers are like all of the cool random people that I run into while at my hangout.

But regardless of whether you’re an extrovert or introvert, highly sensitive or . . . I don’t know . . . what’s the opposite of that?  Insensitive?  {shoulder shrug},  we all have those times in our lives when things get so intense, we have to kind of withdraw from our usual activities in order to take care of business.  And so it was for me.

Are things now less intense for me?  Not even close.  But there’s no sign of it slowing down, and so I’ve shifted my focus from trying to ‘survive’ it, to pushing myself to the next level and owning it.  This isn’t about ‘why me, god?! why me!?’, it’s about, “Hey Jenn.  You have a ton of untapped potential.  But for some reason, you can’t seem to push yourself enough to be motivated to really get in there, so we’re going to do you a little favor and apply some much needed pressure and challenge so that you are forced to bring your A-Game to life.”

And bravo life, because it’s working.

This last Friday, however, I felt like the universe finally threw me a bone.  “Here’s a gold star for your insane efforts these last months, just so you don’t completely give up as we continue to dump truckloads of ‘WTF?’ on your head.”

Things have been so intense, that I had forgotten that Facebook even existed, but on Friday I suddenly felt the need to check it.  I saw that I had a new friend request from someone I knew years ago.  Plus, an added bonus, it was someone I liked.  So I accepted the request, and then suddenly she was messaging me.  She was so excited to have found me, which I have to say, there’s no feeling quite like someone being so gosh durn happy to have gotten in touch with you.

But it gets even better.

About 5 years ago, I had done an astrology reading for her.  Shortly after this, life called each of us away and we completely lost contact with each other.  Anyways, on Friday, she reminded me that I had said during the coming months of that time, she would meet the love of her life.  (I’m pretty sure I said she had the ‘potential’ of meeting the love of her life . . . I’m uber cautious like that).

The relationship she was just coming out of at the time had completely imploded in on itself, and oh so much ‘no no no no no’ was happening with it.  Now, I’m not the kind of person who will just tell people what I think they want to hear so that they don’t lose hope or give up.  In fact, I’d personally be thinking that a relationship was the last thing she needed, and if I remember correctly, she wasn’t interested herself.  But I do have a faint memory of seeing a coming transit in her chart that stood out so strong and bright, that despite the current situation feeling to the contrary. . . I shared with her what I saw.

Well . . . it turns out, that around the indicated time, she *did* meet someone.  4 1/2 years later, and they are still together and going strong.  She said she had been wanting to get ahold of me to tell me thank you for having opened her up to the possibility, that I had changed her life.

I sat in my seat stunned.  I remember my short stint of doing astrology readings for others.  I didn’t feel real confident in myself, and I didn’t feel like I was really helping anyone.  People would schedule a reading, I’d give it, and then that would be the end of it.  In fact, that basically describes my entire life.  I feel like I put so much into everything I do . . . then dead silence . . . and then that’s the end of that.

My natal Pluto on the Descendant is a real bastard, let me tell ya.  Just seeing the words I used above I can tell you that’s what is at play here.  “Dead Silence.”  No feedback.  No response.  I put myself out there over and over, and get no response or ping or reflection from others about myself.  It’s just me showing myself, and then that disappears into a black hole known as “Other”.

The Descendant is the Other in our lives.  Relationships.  It’s naturally ruled by Libra (and Venus).  Mine happens to also be ruled by Libra.  Relationships in our life are incredibly important because it’s the only way we really get to know ourselves separate from other people.  Aries, the Individual Self, is in natural opposition to Libra, the Other.  It’s the push and pull between these two, that helps us understand ourselves in relation to others and helps us further refine what we know about ourselves.

If a person were to go their whole life with no human interaction, they would be hard pressed to be able to understand who they were as an individual because there is no compare and contrast.  There is nothing to initiate the inner ‘I am this, I am not this’ dialogue.

I know that some of the point of how my natal chart is set up, is to learn to do things for me and because I want to, and not based on other’s response or lack of.  But that’s easier said than done.

Because there is nothing like putting your whole heart and soul into a project, and then when finished, all you hear is absolute silence coming from the audience, followed by the quiet shuffle as everyone gets up to leave the theater in an unenthused, quiet, and orderly fashion as if they had just been to a lecture on the benefits of using certain types of soil for the best lawn results.  It is so demoralizing.  It is incredibly hard to keep up self confidence and inspiration when you’re met with that time and time again.

Btw, that is also my Saturn in Leo in 5th, if you notice the theater verbiage and being ‘orderly’.  The words we use to describe things tell us so much more about the situation then we commonly realize.

Pluto is the Lord of the Underworld.  Death and Transformation.  It is the state a human can become even while alive.  They become zombie-like.  They lack life.  They are essentially dead.  They cannot be roused up out of their rut.  They are incapable of seeing or entertaining the idea of a world or existence outside of what they view as a cold and cruel world.  They’ve given up.  They are perpetual victims, never seeing their role in why situations in their life plays out like it does.  It’s always other people’s fault.  They become like broken records, repeating the same upset and depressing things over and over, year after year.  They will gladly take any life you have to give, but will have nothing to give in return because they don’t use what they are given to truly change their lives, only to sustain their current way of life.

That is what I face every day of my life with Pluto on the Descendant.  People who have lost their spirit, their will to live, and have let their light go out inside.  They have nothing in them to give back, and anything they try to do in order to give the appearance that they are giving back, is just dead and hollow.  Compliments don’t mean anything because they are not real or true, they are just what is done because they either want to appear as a good person or appear to have something to give so that people that are carrying light, don’t leave them.  They don’t want to be alone in the dark with no light, but they haven’t quite figured out that they need to do something to re-ignite their own light instead of trying to steal, capture, hold, possess, etc. someone else’s light as their own.

In order to re-ignite your light after you have let it go out, you have to go through an intense process of death and rebirth while alive (born again anyone?).  And if you can’t dig deep and find the strength in you to overcome that test, then you could die for real.  Or, you could live out the rest of your life as one of the walking dead who are never happy, but it’s not your fault because life is unfair, and focus all of your time promoting how hard you have it and how it never gets better, instead of putting that energy into making some real changes in your life.

So my light goes into these deep black holes, never to be seen again and never reflecting back to me the light I shine for them.  For the longest time, I have also seen myself as a black hole . . . the same as is reflected back to me by these walking dead others.  Because they have nothing to give back, and what they do is usually false or fake, I have a hard time trying to convince myself that I’m not that, without feeling deluded.

I do recognize how I can be capable of those same behaviors, especially when I get worn down enough and haven’t been taking good care of myself or enforcing boundaries between me and others like I should.  I know what it feels like to be the walking dead, because I have taken many unwilling journeys into the Underworld.

But the big difference between me and those others in my life so far, is that at some point, The Fighter . . . The Warrior in me, all of my Aries Rising, Venus, Mars, South Node . . . surfaces and I fight my way back into the light screaming like an Amazonian Banshee on Fire the entire way. (RAAAWWWWWR!)  I gain clarity.  I know who I am and who I am not.  I rise to the challenge, my swords blazing and cutting through the darkness and shadows.  I will not let the darkness put out my precious light for any reason or for any person.  I fight for my light, so that I do not become lost and self-absorbed.

There is a distinct difference between taking good care of yourself, protecting yourself, standing up for yourself . . . and only thinking about yourself and acting like you’re the only person on the planet with any problems.  One is to protect your own light from being stolen or letting it go out and becoming one of the dead . . . and the other is being one of the dead and taking light from others.

When I do get fired up and my Inner Warrior comes out, I have immense confidence and I definitely do not need anyone’s approval or feedback.  But it’s no longer enough for me to just come out guns-a-blazing and mowing down everyone in my path, I must learn how to consistently hold this clarity of my individual self, even while interacting and being completely surrounded by these walking dead.  I think ideally, without so much bloodshed.

I’m not entirely sure that I knew what I was signing up for when I came down here.  There’s a good reason we are made to forget, until we are strong enough to remember.  It’s best that I didn’t know how hard it would be.

How hard it is to climb the stairs to a center stage, knowing that you must perform with your entire heart and soul for there to be any chance of impact at all, but also knowing that you will not be given a sign or any kind of indication of how your performance was viewed or received.  Just straight up faith and belief in yourself.  Even if you’re the only one in the whole wide world who believes in you, but . . . without getting defensive or closing your heart to that whole wide world.

Although . .  as I start to let that part of me show, my heart and soul (and in new experiences of what that even means), the universe rewards me with that rare treat of hearing that I had a real impact on a person’s life.  Friday was one of those rare moments, that followed quickly on the heals of me changing how I was interacting with others in my life.  Makes me feel like Pavlov’s dog.  “You rang the bell, you get a treat.”  It freaking works, I’ll tell you what.  Never do I feel so motivated to keep pushing through the dark, than when I start hitting definite markers that point to the most direct route out of the Underworld.

So if you happen to see a great big ball of flame whizzing by, screaming like the Furies, swords-a-flying, slicing a pathway through the dark, don’t be alarmed.  It’s just Jenn on her daily commute.

 sour fruit thieves

What Searches Are Being Done Online For Your Zodiac Sign?

Okay, so I was totally having some fun and doing that thing where you type in the start of a search phrase, and it shows you the top searches that fill in the rest of the phrase.  More specifically, I was doing it for the zodiac signs  “Why are {zodiac sign} so . . . ” and I had to share with you guys.

So here’s what the world is wanting to know about each zodiac sign according to bing.

ARIES

Aries

LOL . . . omg, I was already cracking up at Aries.  Why are they so mean in relationships?  Hot for scorpio men?  I had no idea that was some people’s views.  This was already proving to be a good idea as far as I was concerned.

TAURUS

Taurus

So far, it seems that what motivates people to do a search for someone other than themselves, is when something is wrong or bad . . . or hot.  Not seeing a whole lot of why are {zodiac sign} so AWESOME!

GEMINI

Gemini

Okay, so as a Gemini . . . this is both insightful and HILARIOUS to me.  Also, so far 3/3 for people wanting to know why each zodiac is so “mean”.  Sounds like a human problem vs a zodiac sign problem.

CANCER

Cancer

Okay, 4/4  for “mean”.  And . . . carnal?  Really?  What an odd vocabulary choice.

LEO

Leo

Mean, mean, everywhere mean.  A cold Leo gives me a sad.  So does a “difficult to love” Leo.  As a fire and the ruler of the heart, a lack of those in a Leo is a wilted flower.  : (

VIRGO

Virgo

Oh Virgo . . . you are not spared in the ever growing list of mean.  But you have annoying and manipulative to keep you company.  So that’s cool.

LIBRA

Libra

LOL . . . OMG, I totally busted out laughing when I saw “evil”.  The first of the zodiac signs to get that honor, and in the sign of the diplomat and peacemaker.  Priceless.

SCORPIO

Scorpio

Sorry Scorpio, but Libra already took the evil title.  You’ll also be happy to know that you share the label of complicated (complex) . . . along with your “favorite” sign of Gemini.  But guess what you do have all for yourself so far . . . lonely.  Awww.  : (

SAGITTARIUS

Sag

Okay, here we go . . . words like lucky and funny!  Leave it up to optimistic and lucky Sagittarius to break the cycle of doom and gloom.  (But still mean.)

CAPRICORN

Capricorn

Awww . . . poor insecure and sad Capricorn.  I see so many traits for Cancer which is the other side of the axis from Capricorn.

AQUARIUS

Aquarius

LOL!  So specific, “mean to pisces”.  The first zodiac sign to be called out for being mean to a specific zodiac sign.  And sexual?  Are you f#cking kidding me?  Bwahahahahaha.  No.

PISCES

Pisces

Oh I see . . . so people are seeing Pisces as being so different and weird and that pisses off Aquarius who wants to be the unique and different one . . . so they’re mean to Pisces.  Now it makes more sense.  ; )

So what I’ve learned from this is that being mean has to do with the person . . . not their zodiac sign.  I’ve also learned that people are much more focused on finding out what’s wrong with people than what’s right with people.  So what we’re actually seeing is a mix of the shadow side of these signs, as well as people assigning all of a person’s traits to a single zodiac sign (most likely their sun sign), AND their own projections onto others which really has nothing to do with the sign they’re searching.

But the result is both hilarious and priceless!

Libra and Aries Sitting in a Tree

Oh beautiful Libra.  The sign of peace, harmony, and refinement.  Ruled by Venus, how could you be anything other than beautiful?  The sign of high society and being civilized.  Seeking fairness and win/win situations.  You never wish to offend.  You’re more than okay with compromise.  You know how to relate to people from all walks of life.  And you do it so well in your designer clothes and polished skin.

{Big satisfying sigh followed by contemplative stare into the distance}

The sun moves through Libra from end of September through most of October.  And as beautiful as Libra is . . . the poor dear is running amok in our world.  We are all experiencing first hand what happens when Libra is left to run unchecked.  It isn’t all Libra’s fault, there are many things in play . . . but here’s Libra’s part in it.

Libra is the diplomat.  Libra is the one that goes into negotiations and makes sure that everyone gets fairly represented.  If someone isn’t available to say their side or piece, Libra will step in and speak on behalf of that person or group.

To be civil . . . is to be Libra.  Libra is societal standards.  “This is how you treat someone, this is how you do not treat someone.”  Libra is ruled by Venus and by the 7th house of (others) one on one relationships.  Relating to others.  7th house is the first house in the zodiac where it’s not just about ourselves internally . . . it’s about others outside of ourselves in relation to us.

But Libra can sometimes get so caught up in the mission for peace and harmony, that the other side of the axis . . . Aries . . . gets completely left out of the equation.  And that’s a Big.Problem.

If I were to look at current world events as any indication of what is going on with this axis, I would say that Libra was on a huge political smear campaign against Aries.

You’ve seen those movies and shows about the ruling aristocratic families looking all fancy shmancy with all their money and well bred sophisticated ways.  <cough>Libra<cough>  It’s long since stopped about making things actually fair among the people, and has become all about making things *appear* a certain way.  “What would so and so think if they knew that Martha was seen with a man without an escort?” *Gasp* . . . . *Faint*.  And we’ve also seen in these shows, how on the surface they seem refined and sophisticated . . . but holy shit if the psychological undercurrent running underneath isn’t a little savage!

They are (were) meant to be role models for the rest of us.  So . . . when they couldn’t tame the wildness inside <cough>Aries<cough>,  . . . they simply . . . [r] [e] [p] [r] [e] [s] [s] [e] [d] it.  They pretended it didn’t exist in them.  They covered up and hid anything that did not fit current societal standards in order to keep their power and standing in the community.  Anything hinting of non-refinement was squashed like a bug and disposed of in secret.

It’s so WEIRD how wars still manage to break out amongst such proper upstanding citizens.  (I know, right?)

Also of note, is that those in the upper class families live lives of relative leisure.  If you knew that you’d still have a comfy home, plenty of food and resources regardless of what you did or didn’t do . . . you’d probably lose some of your motivation to discipline and strengthen yourselves.  In fact, that is part of the burden of Libra . . . you have to find another motivation to DO anything in life, besides sheer survival (like the rest of us peasants).

So what is Aries?  Aries is the ruler of Mars and of the 1st house of self.  Even those who are not familiar with astrology, know that Mars is associated with war.  Aries could also be thought of as animalistic instinct.  When a momma bear sees her cub being threatened, she instinctively goes to tear that threat to pieces.  When someone is acting savagely, we might say they’re acting like an animal.  Aries (<—non-Libra).  Aries is unrefined, raw energy.  When you first mine a gemstone . . . it’s not so pretty.  It’s in more of an Aries state (rock), than the Libra state (jewlry).

But what else is Aries?  What else is lurking and hiding in this primal state of energy that might be of use to a modern society?

First of all, Aries is the spark of life.  Aries is the first sign of the zodiac, and of spring.  Before Aries is the 12th sign, Pisces.  And Pisces is the state we come from and return to . . . when *not* incarnated in life.  So as the wheel of life turns, and we are looking to be born into life, Aries is that moment when something goes from non-life . . . to Life.  Whatever magical transformation is happening in that moment . . . that *Spark* . . . is the Aries energy.  It is pure, unrefined, raw divine energy.

Aries is a fire sign (along with Leo & Sagittarius), and where there is fire . . . there is Life.  Anytime you see someone brought to life, they are filled with fire energy.  If they sparkle, glow, shine . . . they are exuding the fire principle in life.  Each fire sign brings a different kind of fire.  Aries is the firestarter . . . the spark that starts or ignites something new.  Leo is a sustaining fire . . . the fire that shines like a lighthouse or beacon for others to look to.  And Sagittarius . . . sets a blaze or path to a higher understanding or truth.  Fire is inspiring.  Fire is warmth, love, heart  . . .  without fire energy . . . life is cold and lifeless.

Aries is the sign of self, will, motivation.  Where ever Mars is in our charts, is where and how we get motivated to DO anything.  It’s what lights up the fire in our soul and sends us on our mission or quest in life.  It’s how we know who we are from others.  There’s myself (1st house, Aries, Mars) and then there are others (7th house, Libra, Venus).  It’s what makes you come alive.  It’s what ignites your passion and your desires.  It’s what makes you WANT to live.  It’s what makes you WANT to survive.

It’s also raw and unrefined.  When a student wants to learn how to play the violin, initially it is squeaky squawky and really hard to listen to.  But with the will and motivation to learn, the student can refine and discipline their talent into something breathtaking and harmonious.  That is Aries —-> Libra axis action.

When a person has a lot of Aries energy, they can *appear* to be very unaware of others (and when they are younger this is probably true).  They have so much raw energy coming in from source to ignite new things here, that it’s really hard to know what to do with it.  It can come out impulsively, randomly, awkwardly, uncomfortably, or crudely.  But, from those things come new ideas, new solutions.  Aries are our leaders and innovators.  They must act.  They must do.  They must be in motion.

Aries can also rage.  This does not sit comfortably with Libra.  Only savages rage.  Civilized people talk out their differences.  But Aries feels things instantly.  Just like animal instinct, they are feeling something before they even know themselves what is happening.  They are in the middle of it before they understand that it is happening.

Babies do this also.  When they are hungry, they cry.  They don’t know of any other way to get their needs met.  This is an Aries response . . . one of survival.  As a child gets older, hopefully they receive nurturing and care, and are taught how to overcome that instinct in a more refined way.  Can you imagine if we all started to bawl our heads off as it got closer to lunch time?!  (hilarious)  So, part of growing up, is about becoming refined and preparing us to be suitable to have relationships with others outside of ourselves.  This is a necessary process.

But here’s where something broke down at some point in our history.  There is the actual refinement process going from Aries to Libra on the zodiac axis where we develop things like strength, conscious awareness of the actions we take, competition (testing ourselves), discernment, personal responsibility, etc.  And then there is the fakeout refinement process that we’ve been doing . . . and calling it the real thing.

One requires a lot of hard personal work. (Aries) The other is called repression.  When you take the “easy” road (and god knows why it’s called easy . . . it’s the most miserable road I can imagine venturing on) you don’t put in the hard work of facing and overcoming an obstacle.  You simply pretend it’s not there, and let it sink into the background as if it doesn’t exist.  You close down a part of your conscious awareness (Aries) in order to avoid something unpleasant or unacceptable (Libra).  You sweep it under the rug.  You don’t talk about it in public (7th house).

We promote constantly how we should always be out helping others (Libra, 7th house) and not think of ourselves (Aries, 1st house).  There is a lot of self denial going on, as if our “self” is something shameful.  We label it ego and try to stomp it out.  If we don’t want to help someone else (maybe because we’re exhausted and need some rest), it’s not typically okay for us to say, “Sorry, but I don’t want to.”  It’s not okay to say we don’t want to go to that dinner party and schmooze with a bunch of people who are being fake.  You suck up your own wants, and do what you’re expected to do to keep up the charade.

When this goes too far (and it definitely has in my opinion), there are going to be consequences.  One is that repressing the Aries energy doesn’t make it go away.  For those who aren’t able to repress it, it may pops up in the form of passive aggressiveness . . . or more and more the trend is becoming for people to just outright blow a gasket and go on rampages.

For those who are successful in repressing their Aries/Mars/1st house self, something much sadder happens.  They lose their spark of life.  They lose motivation to do anything.  They begin to feel helpless or don’t know what the point of trying is.  They.lose.their.will.to.live.  They become docile.  They are no longer able to get excited about anything anymore.  They begin to only know a life of apathy.  They don’t know what to do.  They no longer know what they want themselves.  Everything becomes about just trying to survive.

There have been a LOT of lines crossed in governments worldwide in recent years.  And all it takes when something outrageous happens to calm everyone back down, is to explain it in a very diplomatic way.  We believe, that as long as it is being done in a diplomatic way . . . that it’s okay.  Plus, we equate being angry with being irrational.  But, uh . . no.  That’s where we need to shine some light.

There is a time to negotiate and talk and there is a time to take action.  There is a time to be calm and a time to be angry.  There is a time to compromise and a time to stand up for ourselves and say, um no . . . you just crossed a line.

Anger and rage is a powerful, powerful energy.  Left unchecked and undisciplined, you get people blowing up places.  The energy itself is NOT EVIL.  It simply IS.  It is INTENSE.  But, with trained strength, discipline and will . . . it can come up with instant creative solutions.  Spark the dying embers in a people losing hope, back to life and help them feel warmth and love again.  It can inspire.  It can help remind people of who they are.

Aries . . . above all else . . . is raw consciousness. The more you know your own Self (your own needs, your own wants and protect those things from others) the more clarity you gain.  It IS light.  It IS what makes things happen.  It IS what brings change.  If you use it like a Neanderthal, than the use of it will look brutal.  But strengthen and refine that same energy, and it becomes drive, passion, inspiration.  What would a world without passion and inspiration look like?

Before I end this monster post, for the astrologers and/or the curious, I’d like to share what I have on this axis of my natal chart.  I could write volumes and volumes regarding this axis because of how heavy it is in my natal chart, so it was really hard for me to not jump all over the place and go on tangents in this post.  : )  There is no way I could be unbiased in my perspective of this axis (2nd only to my Gemini/Sagittarius emphasized axis) so here is what is in my natal chart that is influencing it:

  • Aries Rising
  • 1st house has Eris (conjunct ascendant, rising planet), South Node, Venus, Mars in Aries – and Chiron, Mercury in Taurus
  • 7th house has Pluto (tight conjunct descendant), North Node in Libra – and Uranus in Scorpio.

Like any axis in the zodiac, both signs go out of balance when one or the other is emphasized or ignored instead of reconciling or understanding how they are actually two sides of the same coin.  Aries/Libra —> Self/Others —> Mars/Venus

There is who I am by myself.  There are the others I meet in life.  Who are really the parts of me that I can’t see without interacting with them.  What I do for myself, I am also doing for others.  What I do for others, I am also doing for myself.  When the day comes that I’m able to see that all of these things I see in others are also in me . . . and when the day comes that I can forgive myself for the things I couldn’t see before that day came . . . is when the day has come that fighting to survive ends . . . and the solace of peace in my heart begins.

Mama LionDaddy Lion