Go Know Life, Go Know Love

Yesterday I wrote how I had to grow enough as a person just to have the experience and strength needed to begin healing childhood hurts.  It seems that was a foretelling of what was going to begin emerging today.

The last few days in the Pacific Northwest have been absolutely beautiful.  I couldn’t ask for more perfect weather.  It’s been so over the top gorgeous, it has been softening my temperament (which is by default high-strung).  And with current planetary transits . . . omg, there is so much love and feel-goods coming through too.

I haven’t felt so great health-wise the last couple of years, and I definitely haven’t felt much like myself.  It’s all inter-related to a relationship with a man I was engaged to for a short time 3 years ago.  It began with such a whirlwind of magic and a mountain of impossible coincidences that were threaded throughout both of our lives.  All of the pieces of our individual puzzles matched up perfectly to form the most beautiful big picture I had ever witnessed with my 3rd eye.

I hope he forgives me for speaking of it so openly.  He still comes here even though we no longer speak.  I mean no disrespect.

When we met, my heart and mind were alight with possibilities and dreams of our future life together.  Things that we dreamt of together.  When we met, I was in the best place emotionally that I had ever been in my life.  Just prior to our meeting, I had finally reached wholeness within.  Peace.  My world was aglow.  I was in the process of learning how to sustain it indefinitely.  I was in it more than not.

It made perfect sense and came as a natural flow into my life just like everything else was at that time.  I was not in need of a relationship, I did not seek it, but there it was.  I thought, finally, I will get this right.  I will get to know what it feels like to have a healthy relationship, not one based on co-dependency.  I thought my ship had arrived.  I had taken a 7 year break from relationships to understand who I was outside of one.  (Strangely the same period between the two Venus eclipses that are 7 years apart and won’t repeat in our lifetime.)

The planets were literally aligned for us.

Despite endless heartbreaks from relationships earlier in my life, I was ready to give love another chance.  Me and my warrior heart.  I was so convinced of us, I went all in.

My faith and belief in the magic of us carried me through the next three years.  In hindsight, I can see that things were showing signs of not being okay before the end of the first year we had met.  We had initially spoke of making immediate plans to come together.  He lives in The Netherlands, and of course moving to another country takes some time and planning.  So when things didn’t immediately happen, I was patient.  I went over there three times the first year we were together.  We skyped every weekend and even weekdays.

My friends excitedly kept asking for updates on the progress of our plans, and at first it was easy to explain.  “Oh, there’s so much paperwork for marrying a US Citizen and precautions that it’s taking a bit of time.”  “Well he has his finances and real estate he has to take care of over there first.”

But a point came where I heard myself repeating these excuses and I could feel how it was hurting my feelings.  After 6 months it was too humiliating to give any excuses, especially when absolutely zero progress of any kind had been made, and so I found myself just looking down and quietly saying, “I don’t know.”

We broke up in November 2013.  But no matter how much I tried, I couldn’t forget him.  We began speaking again in March 2014.  Regardless of our intentions, things never progressed further for us.  It wasn’t from a lack of trying.  Then one day, I found I had nothing left to say.  I guess neither did he because he didn’t respond.  After years of daily correspondence, two weeks of silence passed between us.  When he finally did send me a short friendly note, I had retreated too far inside of myself to respond.  That was the last of our communication.

I’ve been struggling with it, but mostly I have been focused on trying to regain my health.  Also, I don’t have anyone in my life to talk to about it.  I have friends, but nobody I’m close to.  Nobody that I feel comfortable talking to about things that make me cry.  So my struggle is in part, not knowing what to do with these feelings in me.

Which brings me to this afternoon.  This beautiful, warm, sunny, breezy day.  As I opened my heart to welcome in the warmth and sun, I felt a realization seep into me like a leak in the roof, one drop at a time.

I’m reaching a point of strength within myself to be able to handle the heartbreak I feel inside, that I can trace back to 2012 when something deep inside of me already knew that he had checked out of the relationship.  I wasn’t ready to let go of those beautiful visions I had been flooded with when we first came together.  I had gone all in.  How could I possibly admit defeat before the year had even closed out?  That I could feel that he had lost interest and was just going along with the motions.  When a man is really in love with a woman, he will move heaven and earth for her.  He wasn’t a man in love, and I couldn’t face it.

He is a loving man.  He is a caring man.  But a person can’t make themselves feel something they don’t, and there’s no shame in that.

If I had been more brave and honest within myself, I would have set him free the moment I realized it, but I couldn’t do it.  I have to set that right.

I want him to know love.  I want him to find a woman that makes him weak in the knees and who makes him forget that he ever knew heartbreak or suffering.  I want him to make mistakes and take risks.  I want him to find a woman that makes him smile and makes him happy to be alive.  I want him to find a woman who can actually get him angry and ruffle his feathers, because it’s good for his soul.  I want him to find a woman he can go on adventures with and who brings out the little boy in him.  And when he finds her, I hope he has the courage to marry her.  I hope that whoever she is, she is loved by his mom, dad, and brother because I know how important they are in his life.

heart says to let go

A Life Of Joy At Death’s Door

Death is one of the most deep and intimate things you can experience while in life.  Whether it be through the death of a loved one or a stranger you read about half way across the world.

Death is the ultimate surrendering.  The ultimate letting go.

In astrology, death is found in the 8th house, represented by the sign of Scorpio and by the planet of Pluto.  The energies of death, sex, and intimacy.  The joint resources between partners.

This energy that runs through those representative symbols, just like the other houses/signs/planets in astrology, is the grouping of an energy that acts as a foundation and understanding about nature and cycles.  The reason they *rule* certain things in life is because those things are related.  They aren’t just willy nilly grouped that way for fun.

When I’m trying to better understand the nature of something, I also take a look at the things that are commonly associated with it over time.  From there I am able to start seeing the single thread of energy that moves through all of them.  Once I can see that, I am able to integrate and extrapolate further meaning about that single thread of energy.  This is one of the cool benefits I gain from having a Sun/Jupiter conjunction in Gemini.

But Gemini is more of a superficial sign.  Only interested in what is right in front of them and in the moment.  Distracted by the shiny and sparkly things in life.  It’s the sign of youthfulness and childlike wonder.  It is a happy energy.  When I think of Gemini I feel a sunshiny yellow color.  The color of summer and things that are lit up bright and beautiful and warm.  Gemini, being one of three air signs, is the refreshing breeze that comes through and livens things up.  The social butterfly.

While Gemini does have a dark twin, and you’re never sure which you’re going to get . . . for the most part, death is a far and distant concept for them.  It’s this thing that happens and it’s super sad, but ‘hey, that’s life’ as they go tra-la-la-la-la-ing onto their tiptoes in an impromptu dance where they’re not really listening to anything you’re saying anyways.

So what exactly is up with *this* Gemini that I dive so deep into such intimate matters of the Scorpio variety?  Well many things, but the most influential is what I have in direct opposition from my Sun & Jupiter, my Neptune/Moon conjunction in Sagittarius.  The most interesting thing about it to me, is in the house system I use (Koch), even though both are at 14 degrees, my Moon is in the 8th house and my Neptune is in the 9th house.

My 9th house cusp is right in the middle of those two . . . and boy can I feel it.  Here’s why.  I see 8th house as the house of ultimate depth and the ultimate release . . . which at the moment of release,  the energy starts to soar upward into the 9th house (naturally ruled by Sagittarius) of higher truth and freedom.  My Moon and Neptune are straddling that crossover, along with being *in* the sign of Sagittarius.  The Moon is a very personal planet.  It’s what you feel in your core.  If you were to pull into yourself like a turtle and just be in the center and essence of *you* . . . this is your Moon.  Well, technically it’s the IC (4th house cusp), but it’s represented planet-wise through your Moon.

My Moon in the 8th house shows a natural comfort zone in the energetic zone of death and intimacy.  But being in Sagittarius and sitting snug with Neptune . . . it’s the *surrender* moment . . . where the soul surrenders to the Divine.  “Let go and let God.”  It’s the sign of the Free Spirit.  The shadow side of Sagittarius can be someone running from the deeper, serious things in life.  I very much have the tendency in me to haul ass out of situations that get too serious.  The Sagittarius that is growing up, is one who stops running from these things and learns how to be free by embracing all of life.  It’s also the sign of joy.  🙂

My struggle in this life has been to be present in all life situations without going into make-believe or pretend.  My tendency is to become a silver lining sayings factory instead of actually letting the reality of the situation sink into me.  When I was 16 my maternal grandmother died.  Could.not.handle.it.  A whole bunch of NOPE came up in me.  My family wanted me to come to the funeral . . . said I would regret it one day if I didn’t go.  Nope.  That’s all I felt inside of me.  If I don’t go to the funeral, it didn’t happen.

My interest in life after death consumed my childhood.  In the 4th grade I did an oral report on reincarnation.  In hindsight it was a really dumb thing to do, because at the time I lived in the southern US state of Georgia, also known as the bible belt of America.  I was excited to share this information, but was met with a room full of frowny angry faces.

Also, I always had dreams where people who had died in our family would come to me with messages to give other family members.  I could sense, feel, and hear ghosts/spirits.  I purposely blocked them from my vision because there is only so much a little girl can handle in the dark by herself.

I was also plagued by incredibly gruesome dreams.  Dreams where I was put in horrible situations such as being shot in the head and being forced to make a choice between me being shot in the head first and ending my suffering, or having a child I was protecting be shot in the head first so that her suffering ended first . . . however I would have to witness it.

I was taken to a lot of counselors and psychologists when I was younger.

The point being . . . you can run, but you can’t hide from who you are and what you’re meant for in the world.  A point made very clearly to me in a dream in which my maternal grandfather, who I had watched take his last breath in this life, came to me and told me that I needed to get over my fear with this ability to travel back and forth between the veil of life and death, because it was going to happen ready or not.  Meaning, I better get my shit together and stop running from my fears because my natural abilities were going to start to bleed through whether I disciplined myself to deal with it or not.

I’ve had many dreams in which I’m placed in various scenarios where it’s *the* moment of death.  The moment where it’s time to go, and the soul is released from the body.  It’s lucid, and I stay aware during the whole process.  Every single time, I look to the others near me in the dream and I say to them . . . “Just let go.”

It’s my Moon mantra.

The feeling in the moment of dying in these dreams, is one where you let go of all attachments to life including the need to survive.  I feel all areas of the inner me literally detach energetically from the physical body.  It’s 100% openness.  It’s laying down all burdens.  A complete surrender to the All.

Imagine you were standing at the top of a 100 story building and you got shoved off.  There’s zero doubt you are about to die.  Maybe you feel some regret move through you.  Maybe a feeling of ‘oh shit . . . I should’ve lived more’.  Those will move through your mind pretty quickly until you come to a moment of clarity.  A single moment of knowing that “this is it”, who was most important to you, and then there is an instinctive response to “Let Go” where you close your eyes and you let every single thing you spent your life worrying about go.  All of it.

That is the moment of ultimate surrender.  Ultimate presence and awareness.  It’s ironically the moment when you are most alive, because your attention is not being scattered to the four winds in worry about taking the car to the shop, making dentist appointments for the family, grocery lists, that presentation at work . . . no, all of your awareness and attention is zeroed in on that moment.  It quickly condenses down to the few most important things in your life.  Your wife.  Your kids.  Your mom.  Whatever it is for you, in that moment you will know with all of your heart what mattered most to you in life, and they will be the last thoughts you have before you exit the body.

It’s when your heart is most open.  It’s when you are the most real and authentic you.  It’s the moment of truth.  The moment where everything false or unimportant is burned away in an instant.

That is where my Moon & Neptune reside energetically in my natal chart.

Between my Gemini Sun/Jupiter and my Sagittarius Neptune/Moon, I live perpetually in this doorway between life and death.  This doorway of surrender, what’s truly most important, and how wonderful each day we are given is.  It’s my comfort zone, this understanding of the transition between here and there . . . life and death.

An appreciation and love for that moment, even though it brings people so much pain and sorrow.  I also feel that deep pain and sorrow, but I simultaneously feel the surrender and release of all that isn’t real or true within me.  As I open to the incredible pain of loss and sorrow, whether it be personally for a loved one or for those I don’t know, like those lost during a natural disaster, my whole heart opens . . . lifting the separation of the worlds between life and death within, and flooding me with the absolute love the Divine has for each and every one of us.

It is where I am comforted and where I give comfort.

Speaking of which, I have a little kitty girl on my lap who is currently in this transition and is trying to let me know that it’s about time for her to go.  I’m trying to be brave and not resist it, but I don’t think anyone looks forward to opening themselves up to that level of pain.

It’s like throwing up.  You know you’ll feel better once you do it, but you’d rather not.

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