The Caring Circus

A new understanding is forming for myself in regards to my life.  Ha.  I initially wrote “lie” instead of “life”.  My typing fingers think they’re hilarious.

I’m still feeling out the details, but for now the main energies that seem involved in this new understanding for myself, belong to the Leo and Virgo variety.  Which makes sense, since transiting Jupiter is currently in Leo and the Sun is currently in Virgo.

There are persons, places, and things (henceforth I will refer to as ‘nouns’) and events (henceforth I will refer to as ‘verbs’) in my life that will take something small and rather unimportant in the big scheme of things, and make it into a 3-ring-circus.

While other nouns and verbs will take things that are actually earth-shattering, and make them into small unimportant no-things.  Suffering alone in silence.

The nouns and verbs that take the small pebbles and blow them up to mountain-size, pull a lot of attention and focus to them.  Let’s face it, it takes a lot of energy and focus to build mountains with grains of sand.  This feels like a Leo energy to me.  A flair for the dramatic made fit for the stage.

The nouns and verbs that hide the mountains and pretend they’re tiny grains of sand, feels like the Virgo energy to me.  On the healthy side of Virgo, is the energy that goes around taking care of the day-to-day routine things in life that makes everything run smoother, but all of the love and care that they put into everything they do, often go unnoticed by others.  On the unhealthy side, or under duress, it can become obsessive compulsive about needing the routine in order to feel okay or being a slave to the routine vs. doing the routine out of open-hearted care, love, and nurturing.

The Leo-ine variety of nouns and verbs can be so caught up in the scene, that they become it.  They are very dedicated to their roles.  The show must go on after all.  It takes over their lives and the lives of anyone who gets assigned a role by them.  “You!  Yes, you over there.  You shall be . . . [insert generic title that is lesser than the Leo-ine role].”

I don’t know if you’ve ever been caught in the headlights of a Leo-ine type, but the warmth of their attention is no nice, so cozy, so heart-warming.  Especially if you’ve been more of the Virgo variety and have for the most part gone unnoticed.

But what the Virgo nouns and verbs seem to miss (as they focus on the details), is that the Leo Nouns and Verbs are in the middle of a scene.  Breaking character is frowned upon or ignored.  You either play it the way they have it scripted, or they don’t want to play with you at all.  The Virgo variety will want to help, soothe, heal what ails the Lion.  But the scene doesn’t end until the Lion is done with the role he is in the middle of playing, regardless of what anyone does (as long as others are paying attention to him).

Because the dramatic nouns and verbs are so caught up in the scene, they become incapable of seeing outside of themselves and the reality they’ve concocted.  They are unaware of how living their lives in the way they do and making the choices they make, affect others.  They are unaware of how it is them that is perpetuating it.  They are unaware of how much their antics take so much away from other’s lives, including something as simple as allowing others to choose what they’d really like to be doing with their lives, rather than spending it putting out all the crisis fires that the Leo is compulsively and obliviously setting to the scenery.

This is more along the lines of how I understand being ‘self-absorbed’ to truly mean.  Not as I’ve heard others understand it, where they think that simply talking about yourself means you’re self-absorbed.  When the unhealthy Leo nouns and verbs are in this state of self-absorption, they are rendered incapable of giving of themselves because they are unaware of a world outside of them.  Even in their attempts to help or give to others, it’s still really about them.  It’s still about drawing focus or attention to them.  It’s the perpetual “me” show.

Because Leo is the sign of the actor, they can be really good at looking & believing the part they are trying to play.  Leo is also the sign of play and pretend.  They really believe with all their heart that they are this role they are playing.  So much so, they won’t listen to any talk of it being otherwise.  This leads to the other unhealthy Leo issue, which is pride.  Their pride won’t let them admit that maybe all of the stuff they’ve been making a big t0-do about, isn’t really as big of a deal after all.  How do you gracefully back down and come back from all of the dramatic proclamations and declarations you’ve made over the years without completely losing face and the respect of everyone you know (including yourself)?

I do not envy the Leo nouns and verbs.

Leo is about being playful, loving you.  There is a healthy focus of self.  There *is* a need for attention and affection that Leo is so well known for.  They’re just great big, fluffy kitties who can play a little too rough sometimes, but don’t *really* mean any harm.  They’re just playing after all.  It’s just their show is so good and seems so for real (even to them), that none of us would DARE call the Leo out on his stuff in the middle of the show unless you wanted to become a shredded and bloody cat toy that was shunned and labeled as heartless.  (The irony of Leo ruling the heart).

So we give them what they want, all of our attention.  Because if we don’t, they may ratchet up the ante to life and death scenarios.  Yes, Pluto & Scorpio is involved in the Leo nouns and verbs in my life, but besides that, Leo is the sign of the creative Life Force.  Life is one big dramatic show, which involves things such as Life and the Lack of Life.  So it’s only fair that Leo have the same range to work with.

What follows Leo in the zodiac is Virgo.  Virgo is the next step in the process of the progression of life in which we go from kids who are playing and pretending and who don’t have a care in the world, to learning how to start taking care of things.  Brushing your teeth, getting regular rest.  Paying the bills.  Dusting the furniture.  To Leo, that’s the equivalent of being a stick in the mud.  That’s the opposite of the definition of fun.  To some, it’s the equivalent of death.  A life of routine and taking care of shit?  No.  I’d rather BE DEAD!

lol, oh Leo . . . always so dramatic.

Many people learn at some point in their teens that all of the drama llama isn’t worth it.  Some people never learn it.  Some are attempting to learn it dramatically, and some just get their own reality show.  LOL.  Reality.

Virgo.  Virgo can be such a tender, gentle, soothing, caring, cuddle energy.  Virgo cares.  Really, really cares in ways that some people will never comprehend.  They don’t do what they do for the glory, they do what they do for the sake of love.  Well, that’s the aim of Virgo anyways.  Once they get past their hypochondriac, obsessive compulsive, can’t see the forest for the trees phase.  They see a wounded animal, they want to tend to it.  They see a sad face, they want to comfort it.  In Virgo, we find healing.

Among the Virgo nouns and verbs are many, many unsung heroes.  A Virgo who is in their grace, will easily go unnoticed by all the Leo nouns and verbs who are still caught up in the “fun” show.  The Virgo variety, when healthy themselves and grounded, will care and heal those around them without drawing attention to themselves or expecting anything in return.  They may carry huge burdens within themselves and never speak of the pain they’ve known and witnessed, maybe even thinking they have nothing to complain about.  They don’t want to be a bother or a burden to others, (which itself seems to be some leftover drama from Leos-ville)  They see the Leo nouns and verbs carrying on like their hair is always on fire and they think to themselves, “Oh . . . no, my thing isn’t that bad.  Best give them the attention, I’ll be okay.”

Which sets it up so that the ones who really do need the care and attention of others, are the very ones who would never call attention to themselves.  And the very ones who are getting all of the attention, are the ones who could stand to be taken down a notch or two.

To the Virgo nouns and verbs, you need to quit trying to save every little wounded thing that wanders into your path.  Trying to heal or save someone or something that has no wish to be saved or healed, is a total waste of your time.  There are many, many out there who are less showy about their struggles and who could truly use the healing and nurturing energy that you have to give.  If you spend your whole life on the one or two people who don’t really wish to leave their wounded story behind, then you miss out on the hundreds who really could’ve used your help and would have only needed a fraction of your time and attention.  The ones who truly want or need help, are also not going to want to impose or be a burden and are able to make do with very, very little assistance.

Virgo, you have to learn how to let go of those who aren’t really interested in what you have to offer and who aren’t going to appreciate you.  You also need to learn how to speak up a little louder about your own needs.  It doesn’t actually do you any good to let others take and take from you without giving in return (at least without a fight).  All it does is drain you of life, take from others who do need, and allows the other person to continue being a spoiled child (gimme your attention).  Nobody really wins in that scenario.

To the Leo nouns and verbs, you need to get out of your own way.  You need to recognize that as awesome as you are, there is a world and life full of other realities that exist separate from you.  That there are many, many people who are suffering just as much, if not more than you, but don’t make a big show about it.  That just because others appear to have it more together than you, doesn’t mean they do.  Often times you don’t hear from them, because they’re busy being focused on actually doing something to improve their shithole life instead of focusing on making a big production out of it.

Leo, things can’t always be about having fun or about you.  Fun without structure or responsibility is the recipe for a spoiled, self-absorbed brat.  I don’t care how sweet and nice of a human you are or if that hurts your feelings.  If you are being self-absorbed and obliviously creating situations that basically forces others to give you attention repeatedly and for extensive lengths of time, instead of them getting to focus on living the lives they were meant to, you are being a spoiled brat.  If you were to grow up and take actual responsibility for yourself, you would prevent about 99.9% of your life’s drama, and maybe even understand what true happiness really feels like.  (Hint:  Happiness shouldn’t result in hangovers.)

I have been both the Leo & Virgo nouns and verbs, as well as been surrounded by both the Leo & Virgo nouns and verbs.  I believe we all have the tendency, some more pronounced than others.  All, and I do mean all, are very lovable and cuddly creatures underneath the drama and hurts and pains.

I’m just trying to do my Sun *job*, being a Gemini Sun/Jupiter conjunct, and reconcile duality and paradoxes.  Stick little Gemini labels on them.  Use my words to communicate and share what I’ve found or learned through personal experience, and make it available to anyone who may be searching for exactly that information to help grow or improve their lives, which in turn will automatically help improve the lives of others.

Also, my Saturn in Leo in the 5th is coming into play.  Jupiter transited my natal Saturn last Wednesday.  The taskmaster Saturn has been teaching me my whole life via the school of hard knocks how to be a grown up Leo.  Which is hilarious because my sun/Jupiter in Gemini, along with the Leo emphasis means that I’m basically a great big kid.  A great big, grown up kid who is all responsible and shit.  Who has gone through a life of drama llama, but still came out the other end with an open heart.

I may talk a lot about myself, but I am not self absorbed.  I do what I do consciously for both myself and for others.  I love me, and I love you.

 Extreme Caring

I Heart Responsibility

I had a horrifying self-realization today.  Well, almost.  I’m not sure that I’m at a place to fully admit it to myself, so I don’t know if that qualifies as a realization or not.  First I’d like to try it on before I decide whether or not to buy it.  So here that goes.

I like responsibility.  There.  I said it.

Maybe it’s my natal Saturn (super serious business dude) in Leo (all things fun and joy) with current transiting Jupiter (let’s expand the energy of the sign I’m floating in to ridiculous levels of yay) having recently moved into Leo, that’s talking.  Or.  Maybe the reality (oh hi Capricorn) of the situation, is that <gulp> . . . I like responsibility.

A memory from my childhood that keeps popping up as of late, is one in which I’m about 8 years old and sitting in the upstairs of my grandma’s house.  I had the TV on in the background so I didn’t feel alone.  Transformers were on.  I was in love with Optimus Prime.  That’s neither here nor there.  I just wonder sometimes why my initial love interest was that of a robot.

Anyways.  To entertain myself, I had gathered a bunch of books from off the shelf.  I had gathered other materials from around the house, such as a date stamp and ink pad.  A ruler.  Tape.  A stapler.  Paper.  Pen & pencil.  I arranged everything on the coffee table and then sat myself behind my “desk”.  I arranged the books in order by size and then faced them away from me.

I pretended that I was working at the library.  Someone (a go-bot maybe?) had just come to my counter to check out some books.  Good.  I pulled the books closer to me and in a very orderly and organized way, I wrote down the name and author of the book to keep for my records what books were being checked out.  I then made sure that the date stamp was set for the proper amount of days ahead in which the books would be due.

I had already taped pieces of papers into each book and drawn the lines on the paper, where I carefully stamped the due date into the proper square for each book.  I then let my customer know when the books were due, and that if they were late then there would be a fine for every day they were late.  If they failed to return the book, they would owe the price of the book.  Then smiling cheerfully, I would tell them to have a good day.

I could do this for hours.  This was great fun for me and brought me joy.  Having a natal Gemini Sun/Jupiter which sextiles (less than a degree) with my natal Saturn, this hit me in all the right places.  Books.  Communication.  Order.  Structure.

Gemini can be such a schizoid sign.  Many Gemini wonder if they are, or are even diagnosed with, Bi-Polar disorder because of their very nature to swing one way and then another in an instant.  While it may be hard to be around someone like that, it’s even harder to live with it inside of you.  With my natal Jupiter there blowing up my sun in this already scattered sign, I often felt like I was coming undone inside.

But to add to that, in direct opposition was my Neptune/Moon conjunction in Sagittarius.  I ping-ponged from one to the other.  Internally I would run back and forth from my ‘shattered into a thousand pieces’ Gemini Sun/Jupiter to my very foggy, blurry, confused, emotional, sensitive, lost and scared Sagittarius Neptune/Moon.  I say ping pong, but it was more of a cocktail.  I would just swing from one extreme of the cocktail to the other.  Intellectual observer to emotional zealot.  Inside I was very shattered and emotionally freaked out as a general rule.

As I’ve already mentioned, my Gemini Sun/Jupiter sextiles my Saturn.  Sextile is a favorable aspect.  It is an opportunity for me to have a harmonic relationship between these planets if I choose to put in the effort.  My Sagittarius Neptune/Moon has a trine to my Saturn.  A trine is the most favorable aspect.  That’s a talent and strength of yours.  It’s also where you can tend towards laziness because it’s *too* easy for you.  You don’t have to try hard to make it work, and so you may never push yourself in that area to move into greatness.

So my natal Saturn in Leo, as much as I bitch, moan, and complain about the guy . . . is actually my saving grace.  He is my anchor.  He is the one that goes marching straight into the center of my internal freak circus and straightens that shit out.  If it was not for my Saturn in Leo in the 5th house grounding these other extreme energies in me, I would have long since been locked up in a psych ward.

Because he’s the one that brings the sanity to my internal chaos, it’s because of him that I can quiet down my demons and relax . . . and therefore . . . enjoy myself and my life.

People may look at a librarian, analyst, or a business professional in general and think of how boring or dull that is.  The word accountant brings up images of a stuffy, conservative, tight-ass.  And I feel that used to be true to some degree.  However, I would argue that there are those types of people in every walk of life.

But for me, it’s because of the nature of Saturn that I’m able to enjoy life.  In fact, it’s through Saturn that I’m able to bring all of that internal creative energy that floods my system, into existence.  With Saturn I’ve gained discipline, strength, perseverance.  Through incredibly hard work and determination to not become a complete nutcase, I’ve learned how to provide a solid structure for myself in which to allow the chaotic creative force an outlet into this world.

It is no easy thing to bring in abstract thought and ideas from the ethers of imagination and your mind, and then continue to pull them into an actual plan of action and then follow through with that plan until completion.  The effort could be the accumulation of all of the efforts of your entire life.  THAT is how hard it is.  That is also the epitome of the sign Capricorn, the natural ruler of the 10th house.

The 10th house cusp is called the MC or Midheaven.  The 10th house is your legacy or what you leave behind or are remembered for after you’ve gone.  It is the totality or collection of your efforts while you were here.  What did you build and work on continually throughout your life that is strong, solid, and will withstand the tests of time?

My MC happens to be ruled by the natural ruler of Capricorn.  I have no natal planets there, but I can look to the ruler of Capricorn, Saturn, to see where in my life this is all going to play out.  Which brings me to my 5th house, the house of fun and love and pleasure.

If I were to look at my life like a trend line from this perspective, look where I’ve been in order to project or guess where it is I’m going, then I can see how I’ve had to work incredibly hard over the course of my life to move from being a very broken, shattered, and deeply wounded individual to one who has had to very carefully, tenderly, lovingly put myself back together piece by fragile piece.

I’ve had to forgo partying, letting loose, and living la vida loca in favor of working on fixing myself.  Being strict with myself.  Not letting myself have any excuses.  Not giving up no matter how many times everything re-shattered inside of me.  Learning to stand my ground instead of running in fright.  Confronting myself, my shadows, my weaknesses.  Confronting others, their shadows, and their weaknesses.  Learning to breathe through the terror and stay conscious.  Learning to forgive myself whenever I slipped backwards.

Continuing to take steps forward even if I have failed a hundred times or been humiliated, disgraced, or abandoned by everyone I knew.

Learning to forgive others and seeing their own faults as an outward sign of the struggle that they too fight inside.  Just like me.

Until a day came where a great shift began to happen in me, in which I got to view and experience life from a whole new place.  Not one that was based on struggle and misery.  Not one that was some horrible existence I was doomed to endure.  But a life that was literally shimmering like gold made of diamonds.  One of warmth and laughter.  Fun.  Love.

I’ve started to see glimmers of this life flicker into being here and there more and more as years have progressed.  This is Saturn at work.  It’s there and then it’s gone.  It comes back and then I drop it again.  I’ve figured it out! It’s there for longer . . . longe . . .  and then it slips from my grasp again.

As I continue to put in the hard work on myself, my life continues to gain more love overall . . . more warmth . . . more joy and laughter.  I become more and more at peace with myself and who I am.  I let down my guard for longer periods of time and allow more people into my heart, making my life experience richer and richer.

This is what being responsible has done for my life so far.  I don’t think I just like responsibility.  I think I like like responsibility.  I may even love responsibility.  But there’s no need to rush this.

Adult