Consciously Walking Between The Worlds

I have noticed lately that if I have my guard up at all, I start becoming incredibly sick almost instantly.  As soon as I drop it . . . insta-better.  It’s like a light switch in myself that I’m learning how to have conscious control over.  A bit like trying to learn how to wiggle your ears without moving any other part of your body.  A little weird, but so worth it.

When I feel scared or uncertain for extended periods of time, I tend to close up or put up a defense.  And while this did a great job of protecting me when I was younger, it’s now become a hindrance.

Ways that I know for myself that I’m operating with my guard up:

  • I feel alone and isolated from everyone else.
  • I feel colder and more cynical about life in general.
  • I can’t see the bigger picture
  • I can’t enjoy anything.  Everything gives me anxiety.  I don’t feel okay in my own skin.
  • I become hyper-sensitive to everything, allergies go berserk.
  • I start to feel exhausted in body and soul, and like I’m not going to make it to the “finish line”.
  • I can’t feel my emotions.  I’m intellectually aware of my emotions, but I can’t feel them in my body.
  • Life begins to lose meaning and I don’t feel like I have a purpose.
  • Comprehension skills go to hell.  My thoughts become disordered and disconnected.  Everything feels confusing and complicated.
  • I become paranoid/scared, and feel like the world and everyone in it thinks I’m a terrible person.
  • Insincere “love and light” comments make me feel violent.
  • When someone tries to force my attention away from me, a temper tantrum tries to happen.
  • The radius of my awareness is kept very close to me.  I’m trying to keep myself small so that no one notices me and potentially hurts me while I’m down and not able to defend myself.
  • I am only able to do the bare minimum required to get through the day.
  • I don’t feel like I *get* or can handle life.
  • An increased tendency to avoid things that I know I need to deal with.
  • Every little solitary thing I have to do in a day, becomes a HUGE deal.  Nothing seems to go smoothly, everything feels forced.
  • It’s hard to be in public at all, and I can’t hold conversations with anyone.
  • My self-confidence plummets.
  • I am unable to be present in the moment.  I’m not grounded in my body.
  • I have no desire to dance . . . not even alone in my room.
  • I don’t have the depth of air and strength to sing along with my music in my car.
  • I am unable to be creative.
  • I have no inspiration.

Physical symptoms:

  • My stomach cramps/tightens. (Upper half of my body feels separate from my lower half.)
  • Weak all over.
  • Nauseous
  • My throat feels like it’s trying to close, almost like it’s swelling from an allergic reaction.  Sometimes gets sore.
  • I start losing lots of hair.
  • One or both kidneys start to ache.
  • Zero.Libido.
  • Pain in my lower spine and tailbone that becomes intolerable.
  • My toes in my left foot start to tense and flex and hurt in general.
  • Difficulties in going to the bathroom.
  • Monthly cycle becomes hell on earth.
  • Weight gain even though I haven’t changed my diet.
  • My lower jaw tenses to the point of being painful.

I’m sure I’ve missed things, but that’s more than enough.  The fascinating part, is that they all disappear when I consciously work on dropping my guard.  It’s hard for me to define exactly what I mean when I say dropping my guard.  You could also say that it’s what people mean when they say that you are *opened* or *closed*.

The best way I know how to say it for now, is that one is living life through the perception filter of fear . . . and one is living life through the perception filter of love.  One is walking through life feeling inside like everyone hates or want to hurts you . . . and the other is walking through life feeling inside like everyone is a friend.

One is walking through life afraid of all the terrible things that might happen . . . and the other is walking through life excited about all the great things that might happen.

One is thinking that the details are all of existence . . . and the other is seeing all of existence in the details.

One is being dead before you die . . . and the other is making the decision to *want* to be here in life and coming to peace with it.  Quit trying to check out, escape, or wait for it to be how you want it before you’ll agree to engage in it.

If I have to clean the kitty litter . . . I can do it with my body all tightened up, and bitch and complain about it the whole time I’m doing it.  Squeeze myself small, trying to pretend I’m not actually standing there scooping up cat poop.  <— That’s an example of how we live life closed, small, shut down.  It has a physical effect on our body.  Do it over a lifetime . . . and cleaning the kitty litter just might be the death of you.

I love my kitties.  My kitties need the litter box.  I am their caretaker.  Therefore, it’s my responsibility to take care of it.  I am happy to.  I love having them in my life, and they’ve brought 6+ years and counting of total snuggle happiness into my life.  I *choose* to let myself feel joy in doing that for them.  It is my pleasure.  I had to practice it a bajillion times consciously before it became my natural response . . . but I did it.  And now my body is open and receptive to that task.  I don’t shut down and go dark in myself while I’m doing it.  I’m present and open while I do it.  I allow the smell to be there without shrinking in disgust.  It is what it is.  It’s a necessity of life.  It’s a part of experiencing life in a physical body, why do we make such a huge deal about it?

When I’m being vigilant and true to myself . . . I am like this in ALL of my household chores.  I enjoy taking my time being in the moment while vacuuming.  I might sing while I do it.  I might dance.  I let my imagination go free.  Who says we have to do those things all stressed out and upset?  That’s silly.  It’s a part of being here.  What would happen if kids grew up watching their parents clean, nurture, and take care of the home with such happiness and joy?  They would naturally want to help and be a part of it.  Plus, the house would literally be filled with love.  No matter where you went in the house, it would be oozing with love and care.

When things like cleaning my house became fun and joyful . . . a whole new world opened up in my life.  I quit dreading and trying to avoid life.  My health . . . which was pretty bad . . . completely turned around.  Instead of tightening my body trying to disappear and pretend like I wasn’t there or like it wasn’t happening . . . I let go and expanded my awareness so that I was always present . . . even in the face of cat poop.

So that’s what I mean by having my defense or guard up  – resisting or going against life . . . and dropping my guard – opening up to life and participating.  Not hiding from life and everything in it.

Since this post is already monstrous . . . here’s another list of some of the things I experience when I drop my guard.

How I feel when I drop my guard (or at least starting to drop it) :

  • Feeling summed up in one sentence: The sun comes back out.
  • I *almost* feel like I’m giving up, but instead of collapsing in on myself, I expand my awareness while staying consciously aware and letting it take me where ever it is I need to be in order to feel better, and then it slides into a surrender of what is . . . and I feel inside like I’m falling into love.  Sinking into a big warm pink and golden fluffy cotton candy clouds that soothe my entire body and being with acceptance and love.
  • I enjoy every single thing I’m doing. Everything becomes fun and a piece of cake. (yum.cake.)
  • My head feels completely clear, I can see whatever situation I’m dealing with inside out and upside down with clarity and ease.
  • All of the aches and pains leave my body . . . I start to feel weightless.
  • I start to hum or sing and/or dance without being self-conscious about it.  It just feels like the most natural thing to be doing in that moment.
  • I feel all of my emotions deeply within myself.  I call it “feeling with my whole heart”, because that’s how it feels to me when it’s happening.  All of the emotions . . . good or bad . . . feel good to have in this place.  It feels right.  It feels supported.
  • I feel at ease and like there’s no need to rush anything . . . ever.  In that space, I get about ten times the things done that I normally do in the same time frame, and with zero stress.  I call this magic.
  • I am fully aware at all times what is most important in that moment and what can wait.  I’m able to keep shifting priorities around in real-time with next to no effort.
  • My awareness feels like it’s all encompassing . . . it feels like it is everywhere and nowhere at the same time.  Everything feels open and full of opportunities and possibilities.
  • I feel an incredible warmth and love for every person I come in contact with, as well as humanity in general.  I feel incredible love and gratitude for each person just for existing.  It is a deep and genuine feeling.  It makes me want to cry actual tears of joy and pride . . . for . . . I don’t know . . . showing up?  I guess for showing up to life . . . for being born here at this time in our history . . . it’s very difficult to express this incredibly deep and yet insanely expansive feeling that just starts filling up my whole being.
  • I have no desire in me to try and change anyone.  I feel very safe and secure in myself and I’m okay with other people being however they are in that moment too, and zero feeling of needing to judge them.
  • I feel at peace inside.
  • Insight, visions, clarity, information, connections, ideas, inspirations, solutions, etc. become a continuous river flowing through me that I’m able to tap into at any moment for anything that may be needed.
  • I feel fully capable and confident in being able to handle whatever life throws my way.
  • My whole body feels very young again and like someone oiled all of my joints.
  • I can easily breathe fully and deeply.
  • I lose my weight almost overnight, even with no diet change.
  • I have tons of energy.
  • I wake up feeling excited about what new adventures life will bring me for that day.  What new thing will I find out?  What new idea will I have?  What new experience will I have?
  • I start becoming inspired with things that might be helpful for others.  I start seeing all kinds of possibilities of what I could do with my life that I couldn’t even begin to imagine previously.
  • I can’t wait to be around other people.
  • I’m not embarrassed about a single thing about myself or how I am in private or public.  The things I do arise from such joy that I just don’t care what someone else is thinking about it.  I become “Me” out loud and I feel like I have no choice but to be that.  The best thing another person could do with me in that moment, is to shamelessly join me in my ridiculousness.  If they have the courage and heart to do that . . . they automatically have my full love and affection.
  • I laugh.  A lot.  And loudly.
  • I love doing new things.
  • I lose all my fear of public speaking.
  • I’m able to be fully emotionally present for others, especially when dealing emotionally with things like death/afterlife . . . both physical and symbolic (life transformations).  I am very comfortable in that space, even in my joy.
  • It feels like everything around me literally brightens . . . and starts to *sparkle*.
  • I feel warm, loved, and fully accepted by life.  I want everyone to feel that way too.

It is possible to consciously move between these states of mind.  I’ve done it.  I do it.  I still teeter.  Things happen, I fall off the horse. . . . but I always find my way back because that’s a part of who I am.  Figuring all these things out, learning, practicing, determination, persistence, strong will, love, patience . . . helped show me who I am.  I didn’t let others decide for me who I am or what I need to do or be . . . I decided for myself.  I’ve picked myself up from failure countless times.  But I keep going, I keep trying because I know . . . I know the answer is out there and I know I can figure it out.  I believe in myself and I believe in life.

A puzzle I put together entitled "Searching for Peace".

A puzzle I put together entitled “Search for Peace”.

Expressing the Inexpressible

Imagine yourself very still.  Your breathing very slow and stable.  For whatever reason, for this moment you’re able to suspend your stress and worries.  You take a deep, satisfying breath.  You aren’t thinking about what you should be doing.  You are fully surrendered to this moment and the feelings.  You are so still, that your body is able to release any tension it’s holding. . . it is also able to surrender, because it recognizes that it is in a safe space and doesn’t need to be ready to protect or defend the body. . . it can let go.

In this space, of complete quiet and stillness, another feeling begins to surface.  One that seems very familiar. . . but that you haven’t felt in so long that you almost mistake it for anxiety.  You keep expanding the space of your awareness to make room for this feeling.

You find that it is in fact, something you stuffed down a long time ago in order to survive.  It’s a warmth. . . it’s a joy. . . it’s a feeling at the most sensitive and subtle levels.  You are almost scared to let it through, because you know how hard it is to be in this energy and in the “real” world.  But you miss it so much, that you indulge yourself, even if just for a few minutes. . . just so you can feel it again.  It feels like home.

So you surrender to it, accepting any consequences that come with feeling it.  It starts to fill you up.  You’re having to be very brave and open, even as you feel scared and want to tighten and close yourself up to protect yourself.  But as you pull off this little miracle and experience it for the first time in a long time, you remember it.  And you understand why it was necessary to push it away earlier in your life.

Every sense is so magnified and  intensely felt. . . that the smallest movement. . . the most subtle of gestures. . . . sends waves of sensations rippling through you and outward beyond the physical you.  If you move too fast or too strongly. . . your system and senses go into overload and everything “blanks” out or goes numb.

You remember that it’s not that you don’t feel anything. . . it’s that you feel so incredibly much, that you are regularly in overload. . . and have come to believe that *that* is how you are.  But it’s not true at all.

Your true way of being is such, that the smallest of things can bring you the most immense amount of pleasure and feeling.  But if you move too much, too fast, too strongly. . . you go into overload and are unable to feel anything.

But when you are in that space. . . you would be able to sit next to your beloved. . . in a still and quiet environment. . . within inches of each other and not touching.  And ever so slowly moving. . . as if neither of you are moving. . . towards each other.  All you intend, is to just kiss. . . to just simply touch lips.  That is all.  But from this still space where you are tuned into yourself and feeling every little thing. . . in those minutes that tick by as you both slowly lean and move towards each other. . . is the most intense and insane pleasure you have ever felt.  You feel like your nervous system almost can’t handle the energy surging through you.  You have no wish to rush it, because any sense of pushing, controlling, or rushing the movement. . . is to pull you completely out of the feeling and into numbness.  And you don’t ever, ever want to be out of that feeling.

So you discipline yourself.  You continue to stay open to it, while breathing very slowly and staying focused in that quiet space so as not to break the spell.  You trust that your partner is doing the same for themself, and by both doing so. . . you harmonize your energies and become in sync. . . so you’re able to fully trust and surrender to the experience.  You move into a space outside of time.  Have you been doing this for 5 minutes?  15 minutes?  An hour?  Eternity?  Who knows.  Who cares.  Because it’s all you care about in that moment.

As you get closer, you have to move even slower and become even more disciplined in your stillness and breathing because the intensity has become almost more than you can endure.  So the timelessness and heavenly bliss that is coursing through every inch of your being and beyond, continues as you both hover within a breath of each other’s lips. . . almost afraid that you won’t be able to handle what happens when you finally actually touch.  The energy and anticipation building.  Eyes closed so you can maintain focus, your lips finally touch . . . and you feel like your heart is about to explode out of your chest and like you’re going to start bawling and crying at the sheer beauty of the moment.    The beauty, intensity, transcendence of the feeling . . . is beyond anything you’ve ever experienced while in body.

And you know and remember, that *this* is your true way of being and feeling.

But then you step outside, and your senses are bombarded by the pollutions and noise. . . cars and airplanes sound like they’re within inches of you and screeching at top volume.  Even the sound of the electrical wires are buzzing too loudly.  Someone yells across to a neighbor down the road, and it feels like a metal rake being scraped down your skin.  Honking, clanging, yelling . . . everything feels like a personal assault on your person.

Your whole body tenses trying to protect you, as your nervous system goes into overload and suddenly you don’t feel anything.  You can’t feel the good anymore.  You feel cold and cutoff from yourself.  You feel irritable, frustrated, angry, confused.

Someone asks you what is wrong.  You want to tell them. . . but you communicate from that sensitive space. . . the one where you are connected into everything and sense every little subtle movement in energy and intuitively understand what is being communicated. . . and with your senses being assaulted and shut down. . . you are unable to voice what is going on within you.  You don’t know how to express the magnitude of what is happening inside of you.  There are no words to describe it.  So maybe you say something like, “I feel scared” or “I feel overwhelmed” or “I feel numb” . . . but all of those things are far from what is really going on.

And the person may respond, “Yeah, well we all feel that.” or   “You have to get over it.” or “You aren’t the only one.”

And not knowing, that the other person doesn’t experience or feel the world like you do, you take it out on yourself.   “Wow… I must really be a big baby.  What is wrong with me?  Why can’t I handle things like everyone else….”

This is how every single day of life has been for me.

I don’t speak in monotone because I’m not feeling things or because I’m robot like. . . but because I feel so IMMENSELY . . . the *only* way I know how to communicate without breaking down into a slobbery, snot everywhere, ugly crying face way. . . is to be very, very disciplined.  And this requires me to speak in a straight monotone way in order to keep it all under control.

I’m not stiff and rigid in my bearing because I’m an emotionless bitch, but because I have so MUCH that wants to burst out of me.  Dance, movement, swaying, hopping, skipping, swinging, twirling.  I’m sooooo not kidding when I say I wish real life was like a musical.  I feel like I could sing and dance to everything I do in life.

But do you know how *crazy* that looks?  I already feel like I’m on the outskirts of society. . . I haven’t quite been brave enough to jump head first off the last cliff that keeps me somewhere in the tolerable zone.

But I wanna.  I wanna dance and skip and sing out loud and out of tune.  I truly have a song constantly singing in my heart and it takes everything I have to not continually express that in my everyday life.  I don’t want to hide it anymore. . . but I don’t know *how* to be like that out in the world and my everyday life. . . and be able to withstand the rejection from others.  Because I can feel it.  I’m trying to be strong enough to do it anyways.

Because being me, how I am naturally. . . there’s nothing like it in the whole wide world.  It feels like I just won the lottery every minute of every day when I am able to be like this.  So I have high motivation.  But. . . my sensitive nervous system. . . arrrgghhhhhhh!!

Deep breath.

So. . . if you happen to see some silly woman on the street. . . swaying and dancing to a song that only she hears. . . try to find it in your heart to withhold judgment and maybe even smile at her, so she knows she is supported by at least one person.  And hell, if you’re feeling extra rebellious. . . join her for a moment in her dance.  And make it the new normal.

: D