Ways You Can Deny Your True Self

I often take notes on scraps of paper which then often get shoved into some random book, only to have them fall out at some point in the future, exactly when I need them most.  I’ve always felt like it was past me passing notes to future me.  “I saw this and knew you were going to need it most riiiight now.”

Unfortunately, past me isn’t always in the mood to list the source of the material, which is the case with the scrap of paper I stumbled across a couple of days ago that I wanted to share with you.  I have no idea if it was from a book, a handout, a website . . . no clue.

So just know, this is not mine.  I’ll update this post with the source if I ever find it, but until then I thought it was too valuable to withhold.  This is pretty powerful information if it’s something you don’t know.

It’s titled (on my 1/4 sheet of torn paper that I scribbled this on):

Ways You Can Deny Your True Self and Weaken Your Emotional Boundaries

  • Pretending to agree when you disagree.
  • Concealing your true feelings.
  • Going along with an activity that you really don’t want to do & never stating your preference.
  • Declining to join an activity you really want to do.
  • Pushing yourself beyond your limits.
  • Working too hard for too long.
  • Doing too much for others.
  • Not resting when you are tired.
  • Ignoring your needs.
  • Not eating regular and healthy meals.
  • Insufficient sleep.
  • Too little or too much time alone.
  • Too much or too little exercise.
  • Insufficient contact with people who truly care about you.
  • Insufficient or too many leisure activities.
  • Using chemicals to avoid yourself; drugs/alcohol.
  • Using compulsions to avoid yourself; eating, starving, exercise, work, shopping, spending money, TV, sex, games, sports, etc. that are done to excess.

This was (and still is) mind blowing to me because looking at this list, I’m like . . . I don’t know anyone who isn’t all over the place in extremes in at least a few of these things.  It’s not just that, it’s the accepted way of life.  It is extraordinarily hard to extricate and untangle yourself from these behaviors when there is so much momentum set in keeping it in place.

Anyways – that tis all!  (Btw, with Mars just moving into Gemini & Mercury being there too . . . I suspect there are going to be more posts from me than usual.  Share. Share. Share. 🙂 )

cat-car

Completely Unrelated.

The Art Of Being Self

I stayed up waaaay too late last night.  I found a TV series on Netflix that has me completely enraptured.  I kept saying to myself, “Okay one more, but then I have to go to bed.”  I said that three times.  So, I finally listened to myself at 3:30am and went to bed.  My first alarm goes off at 5am.  (Yaaaay!)

It made for strange dreams and a little bit of a disorienting morning, but sometimes I need that to shake off the sludge that can collect and buildup on me.

Ever since Venus moved out of Aries and into Taurus (March 17), my feelings have turned to that of “art”.  Venus rules both Taurus and Libra.  They are both love feel good signs.  They rule throat and kidneys respectively.  If the pathway between the two are blocked or restricted in any way, it becomes more difficult for a person to “feel good”.  It becomes more difficult to have patience or to love or be open.  Think about how *loving* you feel when you’re in the middle of a horrible cold or flu, and you’ll get the idea.

Venus also rules the arts.  On March 31, Mars also moved into Taurus.  My feelings have moved even more solidly into the general topic of art.  The connection between feeling good, feeling love, and how much more naturally I wish to do something artistic the more I feel those things.

With my natal chart setup how it is, it has been suggested that I would be an excellent dancer (I adore dancing, but only when I’m alone).  I have many artistic inclinations.  However I also have a fear of doing anything personal or artistic or creative when there is an audience.  But with hard work, I can move so much into the art form that I’m doing, that I no longer care or worry about whether there is an audience because I find too much joy in doing the art itself to care what anyone else thinks about it.

With the current transits (where the planets currently are in the sky), I began to think of art in a different way.  I felt all of the creative and artistic energy that I give so little opportunity to be expressed in the world.  It’s like I hold it’s head under water trying to drown it.  Trying to make it go away so that I’m not forced to face my fears, my insecurities.

But this was exactly when the new understanding of art began to emerge from my thoughts.  Creativity.  Creativity is the act of birthing something new into the world.  Taking something that was in the ethers, in the unseen, and expressing it in some form in this world.  Making something out of seemingly nothing.

I often think of creativity and art as being an established form, such as visual arts, writing, dance . . . you know,  the arts.  I have spent a lot of time learning about and discerning the different energies I sense and then using that information to follow it further to see connections between things that I haven’t seen before.  So I used that learned ability to feel the energy simply known as ‘art’ inside of me and then opened up a space within to see what new information or connection it had to show or share with me.

You know how hard it can be to forgive someone who has hurt you or wronged you in some way?  How hard it can be to move past it or let go?  The work that goes into it?  The very act of doing that . . . that is creativity, that is art.  It is the same energy, exertion, and discipline used that a well received artist employs.

Have you ever seen the feet of a professional ballerina?  The fingers of an expert violinist?  It’s something personal inside that drives them to reach these levels and we see it physically in the beauty and refinement they bring into the world for both their own and other’s enjoyment.

Moving from a place of hurt or pain, into one of true forgiveness and letting go, is bringing something out of seemingly nothing.  Moving from a place of fear or terror in a situation, into one of peace and acceptance . . . that is an act of creation.  It is an art form.  The result of that hard work is seen in the character and personality of a person, and the beauty and refinement that person brings into the world that wasn’t there before.

Which brings me to this morning’s thoughts about art.

I was writing in my journal and reminding myself to settle down into my body and just be happy being me.  Not someone special, not someone who has to put on a show, not someone who has to know the answers or lecture . . . but just the art of being myself at all times with no pretenses.  It hit me only as I wrote it, just how true that statement is.  Learning to be myself has been in itself a lifelong art form.

I’ve seen my past as suffering and something I had to endure.  I’ve seen it as tragic and painful.  I’ve seen all of the immense and intense hard work I’ve put into myself in the past decade as healing.  But what I have not seen, is what it truly has been . . . a refining of self.

Adversity, struggle, pain, suffering, fear . . . these things teach us.  They make us stronger.  They remove what isn’t real or true about us.  When you survive something you didn’t think you could survive . . . when you heal from something that you thought would kill you . . . you become so much more than you were before.  When you start to learn how to bend in life, instead of break . . . that is when you truly start to live.

My physical body and incarnation at this time on Earth, is like an instrument that my soul and spirit are learning how to play and master.  Just like when I first learned how to play the flute, I would practice the 12 major scales and arpeggios over and over for hours.  The chromatic scale as many octaves as I could handle over and over.  Working out the weaknesses, the kinks.  Strengthening my embouchure.  Making my fingers more quick and nimble.  Increasing my capacity for breath and control.  Over years, coming together for longer sustained periods of what I can only describe as a state of grace . . . when the instrument, music, and my spirit merged into a single flow of being . . . and I was at peace with myself and the world.  I only knew warmth and love and expression of that love through my flute.

I am learning how to do that as a human.  How to master being who I really am as a soul while in human form . . . and the motivation being for the love and joy of the art itself when it all comes together into a state of grace and being.  The sum of my life . . . the sum of all I’ve been through and the sum of how I choose to use those experiences to become a more true expression of my soul while incarnated . . . that is my artistic expression.  It doesn’t matter where I’m at or what I’m doing . . . I can practice my art in all things and in all ways.  I don’t have to find the right occupation that will bring me happiness . . . I can learn how to be me and at peace with myself and life in whatever I do because that is the more true objective in my life.

I’m learning how to be in a state of being regardless of circumstances, not how to stop the circumstances from being.

Being a Cat

My House My Rules

Hey you know what?  I remembered something very important to me today.  So like if I say something that is true for me in a state of centeredness or true deep joy, and someone shows up in my sphere of existence and is in a very unhealthy self absorbed way and mistakes what I was actually saying . . . like there’s not a fluffing thing I can do about it.  There’s what I was actually experiencing and feeling, and then there’s the unhealthy person’s projection on me.  No matter how self conscious or responsible I try to be in what I say, people are going to take the most innocent things and warp and twist that shit into something it’s not and try to hand it to me as “truth”.

There are so many complexities that are not being taken into consideration when they do that.  There is how something feels and is experienced when your heart is opened, and then there’s the darker and heavier version of someone who is shut down or collapsed into themselves.  You can’t take someone’s open hearted flow of words and apply closed heart logic to it and call it truth or fair.  If you’re closed, whether you wish to admit it or not, you are not going to understand what I’m really meaning or saying so you can just shut the hell up and get off my site.  I have this many –> 0 fucks to give you.

I’ve done said that if you think your shit don’t stink then you can GTFO and I mean it.  I’ve had it with you narcisstic self absorbed, NO INTEREST in actually getting your life and shit together, endless excuse it’s never my fault, irresponsible for your own self and choices, I’m just interested on looking like I know what I’m talking about, false humility mother fuckers.  Fuck you.

You make it hard for people to tell the difference between genuine people and people who are just fronting.  You confuse the youth from understanding the difference between going through the motions and actually feeling and living it.  You spread falseness like a disease.  You waste people’s time, energy, and resources with your bullshit.  Good people.  People who are genuine and don’t deserve that kind of treatment.  Shame on you!

Wanting everything to be “fair”.  Wanting your bullshit to be treated as fair and equal as someone else’s genuineness?  How about no.  When you’re standing in genuineness, bullshit is pretty damn obvious . . . but when you’re standing in bullshit, you think everyone is standing in bullshit and not anymore “right” than you and therefore you’re equal.  Well, it’s not!  No matter how much you want to be in the right and don’t want to let the truth into your fractured and distorted reality, it doesn’t mean that it gets to be right and forced as a truth.

But Jenn, what makes you think you’re not doing that right now?  Because I know what both sides look like because I DID the real and hard work of taking an honest look at myself.  That shit has taken over a decade of hiding myself away from the world and moving through excruciating self honesty and not letting myself get away with ANY bullshit and taking responsibility for myself and everything going on in my life, even when it wasn’t actually my fault.

I didn’t sit there proclaiming to the world around me how I was taking care of myself and doing right by me and how I don’t need no man and the million of things people say trying to convince themselves that they’re actually taking action for their lives when they’re not.  Because when you really are doing what needs to happen to pull your life together, you don’t have time, energy, or even a fuck to give about how other people see you or what they’re thinking about you.  You are heads down and actually taking care of shit, not talking about it.

If this is something that you really have done in your life, then you are not going to have a single issue with me or what I say.  You aren’t going to have a need to “call me out”.  You are going to have compassion and understanding of others and not be so quick to judge.  You give people chances even if they don’t deserve it.  You actually care, not by meaningless words but by an energy that emits from you that people who are closed up and blind can’t feel or detect even if their life fucking depended on it.

If you haven’t done this work, you could stand to shut up and listen to those of us who have.  You might actually learn something.

 Scratchy Bleedy

In My Search For Peace

I’ve been sitting at my new dining table, working on a puzzle.  I should be going to bed.  As I’ve been piecing together the Geishas in my puzzle, I’ve been thinking, wondering about my life.

The dance poses of Geisha have always stirred something in my soul.  Even as I sit still and silent and stare at the artistic images of them in the quiet of my home, I can feel my soul mimicking and moving in a slow and understated grace.  My soul understands something about them that I do not.  It remembers something that I do not.

I feel for them what an adult might feel for their childhood, if it was a happy one.  An ache in the heart for something that can’t be brought back.  Homesickness for a lost home.

Just me and ghosts of geishas conversing in silence.

I was wondering with them why it’s been so long since I’ve felt truly inspired in my writing.  Why I’ve stopped feeling any satisfaction from it.

It feels like I write to a black void.

I share because it is my nature to.  Even if I was the last human on Earth, I would feel compelled to communicate and share.

I’m not entirely sure how much different it would feel to me if I was the last human on Earth.  As it is, I’ve long since resorted to communing with the trees . . . the wind . . . clouds . . . animals . . . even bugs (if only to respectfully ask them to respect my space and leave . . . which they do).

I know people have tried to hear and understand me.  I don’t mean to dismiss or invalidate others in my life.  They are doing their best, I know.  I love them.

But I’ve felt more seen, and known, and loved by clouds that were passing by, than I have by another human.  The trees have time for me and listen with open hearts.  They are not defensive or caught up in looking good or being right.

The wind is honest in it’s expression.  It has no reason to cover up or hide.

I’m not saying that people don’t care for me, I know that’s not true, they care for me in the only way they know how.  But in comparison with what it’s like to commune with nature, humans are so disconnected from themselves.  How could I possibly expect humans to see me when they aren’t even aware that they can’t see themselves.

They are wrapped in hurt, pain, conditioning and they try to label it as “being themselves” . . . but it is not who they really are.

People seemed to have lost the ability to discern when someone is speaking from the heart and when someone is merely mimicking someone who is speaking from the heart.  They all get thrown into the same cauldron and treated the same.  It’s a shame.

I don’t feel like there is anything I could share of myself that would make any difference in the world or even be heard above all of the noise.

I know I have great value, but I do not feel valuable to this world.

I also know that greater peace comes to me when I am able to accept people and the world just as it is, and stop thinking that I have any role to play in helping others find their way.  People will find their own way without my help, just as they have from the dawn of time.

I am content enough in my connection to life.  Who knows, maybe even more happy than the happiest humans pretend to be.

flower power

Saturn in Sagittarius: Bringing Meaning & Inspiration Back Into Our Lives

Serious business Saturn moved into optimistic outlook Sagittarius last week.  I am pleased with this.

Or rather my natal Neptune/Moon in Sagittarius is pleased with this.  They have a trine (natural talents) to my natal Saturn in Leo.  Translated into English: I have natural talent in bringing what many think is unbelievable into this existence and making it a reality.  Magic.  I know magic.  😛

The Neptune/Moon/Sagittarius mix, involves abstract concepts, Higher Truth, dreams, imagination, and the connection to the other side of the veil.  The place where dreams are born.

Saturn is serious, disciplined, and solid.  Natural ruler of Capricorn, it is the respected elder who worked their ass off every step of the way to get where they are.  It provides the sound structure needed in order to make something worthwhile or long lasting.  It rules bones or the skeleton.  Something hard, durable, and stands the test of time.

It is through my hard work and disciplined dedication, that I learn to access my creativity (Saturn in Leo).  That part does *not* come easy to me.  My younger years will (have) been spent on forgoing fun and pleasure in favor of working my ass off to understand and straighten myself out.  When I hit the sweet spot of finding the truth of myself, the trine to my Neptune/Moon (in Sagittarius – higher Truth) lights up and creates a connection between here and the land of imagination, divinity, dreams, or as I like to call it, the golden world.

It is the world of magic and make believe and fairy tales that we forget are real in another plain of existence while we are here and as we grow older (Saturn).

When that connection is made, a couple of things happen for me.  One, that golden energy travels back down the trine to Saturn, and brings it into the “real” world.  Here.  Second, it travels down my opposition to my Sun/Jupiter in Gemini and makes me want to communicate and share it with everyone I know.

Magic and love for you and you and you!

But here’s the shitty part.  For those who have stopped believing in the magic of the golden world, it appears that I am handing out big fat nothings.  I’m all, “Here, have some golden magic!”  And they’re looking at their empty hands and they’re like, “What is this bullshit?”  And then I’m all {sad face}.

However, Saturn being in Sagittarius, it’s like everyone gets a boosted help in reaching that place directly themselves.  If they put in the hard work, of course.  So yes.  I’m pleased as punch about this transit.

It will be there until June of 2015, where it will retrograde back into Scorpio (boooo!) until December 2015 [CORRECTION: Until September 2015], where Saturn will once again enter Sagittarius and stay there for a couple of years (Yay!!)

This transit, in my opinion (which duh, everything out of my mouth is my opinion), is about finding something meaningful and purposeful in our lives, and drawing our bow and aiming our arrow towards bringing it into our lives furreals.

The place this will show up in your life, is where ever Sagittarius is in your natal chart.  And/or Jupiter.  Or Capricorn.  Or Saturn.  I could almost write an Excel formula for that.  =IF (OR(Natal House=”Sagittarius”, Natal House=”Capricorn”, Natal Planet=”Jupiter”, Natal Planet=”Saturn”),”The place they are located”, “Sorry, you fail at Astrology Excel, but thanks for playing.”)

Finding something meaningful or purposeful should make you feel inspired.  It should bring new life into your otherwise gray and dreary existence.  This is some of what Sagittarius has to offer us.  After going through the Underworld of Scorpio and surviving death of all that is not real in our lives, we need a bit of cheer and song and dance.

Expand your mind and your horizons.  Leave the past behind.  Reset your priorities and set your eyes on new heights.  Let.go.  The saying, “The truth shall set you free”?  Sagittarius.

To leave hell or the underworld, you must let go of what is weighing you down.  What weighs you down, is anything that isn’t real.  When Pluto finally cracks that hard noggin of yours and you finally let go of whatever isn’t real (but you’d swear with your life it was), then you get slung shot into Soaring Upwards, Freedom Loving, Inspirational Sagittarius.  “I believe I can fly.” 

Which in itself isn’t necessarily useful if you’re just flying around in the abstract and idealistic ideas of philosophical Sagittarius.  Because unless you have some way of anchoring them into real life, ideas and thoughts are all they’ll ever be.  Sagittarius can feel a lot of frustration when they share their inspiration and ideologies with other, more grounded individuals, when they get the usual reply of, “Well, that’s great in theory, but in the real world . . . ”

The age old war between the “Dreamers” and the “Real World”.

Interestingly, the sign that follows Sagittarius is Capricorn.  First come the philosophies/inspiration, then comes the hard work of bringing them into existence and leaving a legacy.

What Sagittarius could stand to understand, is that when grumpy old man Capricorn comes raining on his parade, that it doesn’t mean give up or let that spark of inspiration die.  It doesn’t mean stop believing in yourself.

I know a thing or two about speaking my heart and getting attacked and buried under a flock of Capricorn naysayers telling me that I’m too idealistic or naïve about the ways of the world.  That one day I would understand better.

And you know what?  I do understand better.

I’ve worked very hard every day of my life to eventually have a good paying job and stable occupation so that I could provide a roof over my family’s head and put food on the table.  I understand that there are certain “rules” that have to be played by in order to make it in the real world.

But do you know what else I understand better?

That the authority figures in my childhood were also wrong.  (Wait, what?  They were human?)  Being anchored and planted squarely in the real world, does not mean that you have to give up being a dreamer and idealist.  It does not mean that you have to sell your soul, or give up who you are, or be miserable in order to survive or make it in the real world.  It does not have to be an either/or choice, it can be an AND.

I’ve learned that it is possible to change the status quo.  That we are only as limited as our beliefs and understandings about the nature of reality.  There is a truth that aligns with divine natural law, that we aim to bring through the veil of the worlds to here on Earth.  When that is achieved, it is referred to as “Heaven on Earth” or the “Golden Age”.

We are obviously not there yet, but I do know one of many ways it can be reached.

Seek out and remember who you really are inside and strive to realign with and be that at all times.  Remember what you knew in your heart when you were a young child, before you were dismissed, invalidated, and convinced otherwise.  You don’t need to convince other people that your beliefs are true.  Be at peace within yourself with what you know to be true.  If you are not able to be at peace, then maybe you should take a harder look at what you are telling yourself is true.  Inner peace is not conditional on others behaving according to your rules, it is conditional on how aligned you are with your own soul.

These are many of the things that my own Sagittarius and Saturn connections have meant for me in my natal chart.  Finding a higher purpose or meaning in life, bringing and anchoring those philosophies into the real world for practical use, working hard to uncover who I am and aligning to my true self, never giving up in believing in myself and what I know to be true in my heart no matter how many times I mess up and fall down, continually letting go of what I think to be true in favor of opening my heart to discover what is really true and the courage to forgive myself when I see what part I played in my own misery.

There is so much potential during this transit.  I’d urge you to take full advantage of it and use it as leverage to make any much needed changes in your life (whichever part of your life you feel inspired to change).  It is simply a window of opportunity that you can choose to use or ignore.  It makes no difference to the universe, as we all get to where we’re going in the end.

kitty can fly

 

Death To The Popcorn Eating Shadows!

Do you know how when you really want to do something and you’re all excited about it in your head and maybe even your stomach, and you’re living it out in your imagination and “Wooo! It’s going to be so awesome!” and you’re getting totally pumped up about doing it . . . and then you think of someone in your life that you’d *like* to share it with but based on the feeling of the response from the last 50 times you’ve asked them to do something similar . . . all of your enthusiasm deflates like a popped balloon animal?

Yeah, me too.

Or how about, when you get a burst of inspiration and all these thoughts and idea come into your head and you’re like “OMG! Why didn’t I think of this sooner?!” and you come busting through the living room, excited to share your brilliance with the world while simultaneously making a list of all the things you’re going to need to do or get in order to bring this brilliance into existence as a favor from you to everyone else . . . but it gets met with less than excited looks on people’s faces?

“Boooo!”

If you’re hard-headed like me, then you’ve probably continued to do this over and over until one day you realize that you can’t even bother to get excited about it yourself.  You no sooner think of something that makes you excited or happy, and this ‘reality trend analysis’ races ahead in your imagination and sees that it always ends up in disappointment and decides to automatically throw the kill switch before you can even get it started.

Other, less hard-headed people, figured out long ago that when it’s something that is important to you or makes you happy but others don’t approve or support it . . . that you keep that shit to yourself and don’t share it with them.  Don’t feed your joy to the killjoys!

But I’ve got a problem.  I share.  I share a lot.  I show my cards at the beginning of the hand.  I’m all “Here’s what I have!  What do you guys all have?!” which is returned with murderous looks thrown in my direction.  People take “Go Fish” way too seriously.  Sheesh.

People have more than one way of letting you know they don’t approve of something.  So someone *might* be saying out loud in words, “Oh my gosh, that is so wonderful, I’m so happy for you!” But they’re being a liar liar pants on fire and you can tell from the tone or tension in their voice or maybe their body language or maybe even just from a feeling you’re getting.  It just doesn’t feel or sound sincere to you.

You may pass it off, or just go with it because I mean, who cares you’re in a good place within yourself because obviously you have *happy* news you just shared.  But something in you picks up the insincerity at some level, and it sits there in the shadows eating popcorn watching this all unfold, rubbing it’s buttery hands together evilly because it knows one day it’s time will come.

Evil Popcorn

When it happens to you enough times and with enough people, you’ll start finding yourself avoiding those people or not wanting to share good news with them or maybe even not be excited about the news yourself.  By this point there is an accumulation of those evil buttery handed party poopers in the shadows who are whooping it up because the one has become the many and they’re starting to gain power and have a say on your attitude in life.

Popcorn Gulls

Over time, these little things can suck and drain the life right out of you.  Kids, this is what happened to grown-ups and why they are so serious about everything and boring.  It’s a disease you catch as you age.  (Gawd, I hope there are no actual kids reading my site with me and my sailor’s mouth!)

What this also brings up for me are things like *secrecy*.  Why people lie.  Why people are SO blind to their own bullshit.  Why people can become so controlling.  Why people can be easily fooled if you say one thing, but do another.

“I know you don’t want me to do this, but I really want to so I’m going to do it anyways.  I don’t want your guilt trips or lectures, so I’m going to do some jedi mind tricks on you so that you can’t see I’m doing it, but we’ll be able to continue being friends/peaceful family member/mate.”

Now, the thing is . . . it’s not that people don’t notice, but as long as nobody says anything about it out loud then everyone *pretends* it didn’t happen.  When everyone pretends it didn’t happen, it actually becomes very hard for anyone to recall it later or even remember that it happened.

If you start doing that long enough in your life and for enough things . . . you start to not notice these covert things.  You start becoming oblivious to all kinds of things going on around you.  If you go your whole life like that and then one day you ever start to unravel that shit . . .

My-Life-Grumpy-Cat-Meme

It’s like cats.  Cats are going to do what the fuck they want to do.  You can tell them no, and maybe they’ll stop doing it.  In FRONT of you.  I have heard a million stories about owners thinking they’ve tamed their cat only to walk in and catch the cat in the act.  The cat is just being true to it’s nature.  The owner is just in serious denial thinking they can control the cat.

Now you can try breaking a cat’s spirit in order to gain control over it against it’s own will and needs, to show that you are a superior being in your own mind’s eye, and continue living in your deluded world that you have total control and dominion over your environment.  But then you’re just a fucking asshole and need a good punch to the face.

No popcorn

Or.  You can make an effort to try and understand the whole reality of what’s going on in the situation and diffuse it from the root instead of fucking up your spiritual and energetic shit beyond recognition or help.

Animals don’t have agendas like “Today, I must piss off my human.”  They do things because there is a reason.  Something is causing it.  It might even be you.  It might be another family member.  It might be a health issue.  Maybe they were abused.  Maybe, it’s because a need of theirs isn’t being fulfilled. <gasp!>   There’s always a solid reason.  But if you’re totally oblivious to your environment or your own shit . . . then you’re going to keep blaming and taking it out on the animal.

So why do I do stupid things like yell out what’s in my hand and share?  Because I do not wish to be oblivious to myself or my life or to other people’s bullshit.  It initially puts me at a disadvantage because until I eventually figure out what’s in everyone else’s hand, people use my straight-forwardness to their advantage.  I get used as a scapegoat.  I am made to feel guilty and ashamed.  I’m talked down to.  I’m ridiculed, laughed at, and made fun of.  Called names.  Talked about behind my back.

But do you know what?  During all of that shit storm . . . everyone is showing me and everyone else all of their cards.  By the time I get to the last card in the last player’s hand, there isn’t anywhere for anyone to hide.  And finally everyone gets to see their own bullshit, and to be perfectly honest?  It’s ALWAYS a relief.

Because we are ALL so sick of the bullshit.  We are all becoming so sick of our own bullshit and everyone else’s, but we’re wrapped up so tight in it that we can no longer see our way out of it.  We want out, but where’s the fucking EXIT sign?

Popcorn Thief

I’ll tell you –>  Stop having tolerance for your own bullshit and get yourself cleaned up.  Which when you do that, you’ll start understanding why shit’s so messed up and how the things you do cause your own problems down the road.

Then you’ll naturally stop having tolerance for other’s bullshit and start insisting that they hold themselves to a higher standard as well.  We need to be visited by a plague of Truth instead of this widespread disease of popcorn eating shadows.

Btw, not putting down popcorn.  I love popcorn.  Especially with salt and butter.  Popcorn’s the best.

Nom Nom Popcorn

Are You Truly Done With Suffering?

There is a Truth.  A Divine Blueprint.

There are any number of ways to tell the story of the Divine Blueprint.

All considered True, as long as they retain the original structure of the Original Blueprint.

The closer it aligns to the Original, the more Pure and Whole it is.  The more it is considered Holy and Sacred.

So yes, there is a single Truth in this existence.  And there are many ways to perceive it.  Many paths to pursue it.

. . .

Anything that strays from the integrity of that Truth, is outside of what is Real.

Anything outside of what is Real, is the source of all of our pain and sorrow.

The closer you align to the Truth, to your own Original Blueprint . . . the one made specifically for you by Source itself . . . the special perspective that you were asked to hold of the One Truth . . .

That is what we know here as “healing”.

. . .

Only what is Real and True will heal you.

Only what is Real and True will fill that hole in you.

. . .

You can believe whatever you want to believe.

But if you’re still sick . . .

Unhappy . . .

In pain . . .

Confused . . .

Scared . . .

Then you are still holding onto a belief within yourself that is not true,

And you are still wounded, out of alignment with your Real Truth.

. . .

The very moment you surrender the belief you hold that is outside of what is Real . . .

You will find immediate relief from your suffering.

Immediate.

shakti_green tara

 

 

I Support Who You Really Are . . . Not Your Dysfunctional Behavior

One way that I make myself smaller around others, is also how I become an enabler.  In an effort to be supportive and understanding, I don’t speak up when I hear someone saying something that they *think* is their truth . . . but I can clearly see that it’s a line of thinking that is keeping them small.  There are many other reasons I do it.  I don’t want to be a know-it-all.  I know that most likely they’ll say, “No, no that’s not it.”  At one point I started to think that I should just let them figure it out for themselves . . . which leads me back to being supportive and understanding.  Which I seem to think means always agreeing with what someone is saying.

I can be supportive and understanding AND say how I see it.

There’s also a time and a place.  When a person is having an emotional breakdown . . . that’s a good time to let them say whatever the hell needs to come out of their mouth.  A good old fashioned rant.  It doesn’t have to make sense, it doesn’t have to be rational . . . it just needs to come out in the open and be said so that it doesn’t stay inside of them and poison them to death.

But if I have a friend who is repeating the same thing over and over for 50 conversations or over a period of years, and I can clearly see how it’s limiting them and keeping them from accomplishing what they want to accomplish?  I’m going to say something.  I see the quotes online about “a real friend . . . ” and then a bunch of stuff that sounds all romantic and beautiful . . . but it’s the behavior of an enabler.  It’s how we keep each other in our boxes.  To me,  I feel like I’m being more supportive and more of a friend when I help pull them out of the illusion that is keeping them small.

We have become so afraid of offending someone.  I remember being in a bookstore with my mom in the 90s, and laughing our heads off at a book full of politically correct ways to say something.  Someone isn’t short . . . they’re vertically challenged.  Bawahahahahahahah!  We were laughing at how ridiculous this “politically correct” way of speaking was becoming such a thing.  Guess what?  Once upon a time, when I was in school and someone was being an idiot . . . we weren’t afraid to say, “You’re being retarded.”

Also, now with the bullying thing, we’re afraid to be truthful to anyone because we don’t want to hurt their feelings.  Discernment people.  Discernment.  There is bullying and yes that is hell on earth for a great many people, and YES that needs to be addressed.  But accepting people for who they really ARE . . . and supporting people’s dysfunctional behaviors are two different things.  I support YOU . . . but I do not support the dysfunctional behavior that is preventing you from being who you ARE.  You are NOT your dysfunction.  “Oh, but what if this is just how I am.”  Well, if you’re miserable and bitter and suffering and complaining . . . then I have news for you . . . it’s NOT who you are.

So many times I can see, clear as day, what is going on with someone.  How they’re limiting themselves.  How they’re getting in their own way.  How they’re trapped in an illusion.  And when the moment is right, I say something.  And then what I get is an onslaught of no that’s not it, no but this is why I do this, and that doesn’t work for me, and I tried that before.  Just on and on.  All of the self-justifications they tell themselves that keeps them exactly in the place they profess to not want to be anymore.

And that’s when my need to understand gets in my own way.  I start listening to all of the things they tell themselves for why that isn’t true . . . and then I fall into their illusion with them.  Then I hear myself repeating that for them too.  I also figure that they must know themselves better than I do . . . so I don’t say anything more.  That, my friends, is one way in which we enable and keep each other down.

Sometimes I don’t know why someone is struggling.  That’s when I say, “I don’t know” and I just keep listening.  But then there are moments that I see with clarity (Aries) exactly the situation.  But where I disempower myself, is that when the person tells me that I’m wrong (oh, no . . . that’s not the reason why . . . blah blah blah) and then I back off . . . I lose confidence in myself.  I start to doubt myself and my clarity.  I start to get lost in the fog of confusion along with my friend.  Then I start falling into similar situations as them.  Then I find myself trying to climb back out of the hole on my own without them because they don’t want to see the way out.  Then I feel guilty for leaving them in the dark.

So I am realizing, that me speaking up when I get those moments of clarity IS a part of who I am.  And instead of folding and going down the rabbit hole with my friend, I need to stand my ground in what I know to be true.  I’m just not someone who can stand there and watch someone take themselves or others down.  I just can’t.  When I do, I have to lose that part of me that is like that.  My will, my confidence, my passion for life.  I have to sacrifice those things in myself when I stay around someone who is doing that, but refuses to see it or to do something about it.

I don’t want to lose that part of myself ever, ever again.  So if you’re looking for a friend to support you indefinitely in your self limiting illusions . . . then I’m not the person you want as a friend.  It’s nothing personal.  It’s just not who I am.

I want to be surrounded by people open to life and open to growing.  People who are humble enough to see their own faults and own up to them.  People who support and appreciate me, the real me, and who also try to hold me to that standard.  If you see bullshit in something I’m saying, call me out.  Be open to discussing it in a non-defensive manner.  Don’t go all passive on me.  Call.me.out.  I appreciate and respect that.

I do not wish to be surrounded by people who insist on being closed down and victims their whole life.  People who are still repeating the same complaints now as they did 20 years ago.  People who are more interested in getting attention for their struggle, than in actually doing something about it to improve their lot in life.  It’s FINE if you don’t want to change.  I don’t care.  If that’s your *thing* then have fun.  But.  I don’t want to be around it.  I don’t have to be around it.  I get to make that choice for myself and it has NOTHING to do with accepting someone unconditionally or not.  I do accept them.  I accept that they are like that.  But accepting or loving someone unconditionally does not mean you have to be around it.  That’s THEIR choice to not grow or change.  Not mine.

That whole, “you can’t control others, you can only control your response to them” is exactly what that’s about.  You can’t make someone change.  They have to make that choice.  If their choices make it so that you become less of yourself or starts to harm you . . . you need to make a choice yourself.  To stay and continue the damage and be an enabler (which again . . . isn’t a judgment, it’s simply an option and a choice), or to chose to not be around it.

It may be misunderstood, it may make them angry, it may make them retaliate . . . and that’s because they’re scared.  They’re scared they can’t do it without you.  And that’s normal . . . that’s expected.  But how are they ever going to move past their fear if they never have to face it or push through it?  People need to be tested.  People need to be challenged.  If you keep helping them *just* because they’re scared . . . you are limiting them.  I don’t know how many times I’ve found that the very thing that scared me the most, is the thing I needed to be running towards . . . not away.

For example, my son struggles with the idea of trying to make it on his own out in the world.  He’s scared he’s not going to be able to do it.  So he comes up with a million logical reasons why he has to procrastinate it or not do this or that at all.  He’s scared.  If I become scared with him, and don’t push him because I’m afraid he’ll fail too . . . then I’m enabling and limiting him.  Because I know for a matter of fact, that getting out in the world is exactly what he needs to do.  He has a Capricorn MC just like me, so I know that he needs to do this process in a slow and steady manner.  So I slowly and steadily point him in that direction.  I see he’s scared . . . but I know he can do it . . . so I continue to march along with him showing him the way.

People may think they don’t want to be called out on their stuff . . . but when it happens . . . the result is usually a feeling of relief.  Like finally!  Someone isn’t letting me get away with my own bullshit.

I feel that to be more loving and supportive.  A short moment of awkwardness or discomfort . . . but then growth and forward movement for both.  Much more satisfying than a lifetime of suffering and zero growth . . . but hey . . . at least I always agreed with ya.

funny-statue-bull-stilts-sculpture

Remembering the *Me* Needs

I learn something new about myself everyday.  Which I then promptly forget.  So that I can be all surprised when I remember again.

It’s like an endless game of peek-a-boo with myself.

“Oh!  There I am!”

“Wait!  Where’d I go?!”

Today’s peek-a-boo was regarding something I read on an Astrologer Peg’s blog post a little while ago regarding astrology rising signs, Your Rising Sign/Ascendant.  Our rising sign is the mask or outer layer we put on when we go into the world.  It’s one of a billion reasons why we don’t necessarily come across as our Sun sign . . . which is what most horoscopes focus on.

For example, I’m a Gemini Sun.  However, my rising sign is Aries.  My Venus, Mars, and (moon) South Node are also in Aries.  If you met me, you just might mistake me for an Aries vs. a Gemini.

Anyhoo, back to what was written about Aries rising.  One sentence in particular was written in a way that helped me understand myself in a new light.  (Hopefully more flattering than fluorescent.)  For Aries Rising she wrote,

Taking care of your own needs allows you to relate better to others.

There’s something in me that *knows* this, but I’ve managed to un-know it like a catrillion times.  (That’s a lot of cats.)

When my needs are taken care of, I can relate like no one’s business.  But is that what I do?  Noooooooo. (<—up and down intonation needed there.  If you read it monotone, go back and do it again, but this time right.)

The second . . . and I mean the very nanosecond that I get into a good place inside of myself, I start handing that *feeling good stuff* out to people left and right.  I become drained.  My needs quit being met.  I start to board the crazy train. (choo! choo!)

If taking care of my own needs first, helps me relate better to others as an Aries Rising . . . it goes triply so for my Aries Venus and Aries Mars.  It should be a no-brainer for me.

But here’s what I do.  AS I’m trying to meet my needs, I’m trying to take into account everyone else’s needs and adjust what I’m doing for myself to make sure everyone gets a piece of the pie.  That doesn’t work for me.  I don’t run well on half-assed met needs.

I run on premium.

I have GOT to get out of the sacrificing self business.  It’s malarkey.  Well, for me it is.  I don’t know about the rest of you nuts.  Figure yourselves out.  (<— look at me not owning other people’s stuff!  Jenn is on  f  i  r  e !  ! )

Being that way, can sometimes give other people the wrong impression.  Like, “Oh, you’re so self centered.”  or   “You don’t think or care about other’s feelings.”  But guess what?  That’s NOT my problem.  If you haven’t given me the benefit of the doubt, and don’t actually take any time to get to know me before you judge me . . . then that’s your bad.  Not mine.  And most likely *your* projection onto me.  Not me.

I *do* have to make sure my needs are met before I start getting all cozy, friendly.  That’s how I operate.  When my needs are being met . . . well . . . I’m just a bowl full of cherries.  I’ll do just about anything for a friend, and even strangers.  I love, love, love people.  I love making you guys smile and making you guys laugh.  I love seeing you excited about something you love.  I love being a part of people’s lives.  But I can’t express this to others, or even be there for others . . . until my own needs have been met first.

And actually, thanks to my Pluto (Big Bowl of Scary) conjunct Descendant (House of Other), when my needs aren’t being met, I become very scared of people.  Or disempowered works here too.

You don’t have to have anything Aries in order for this to apply to you in some way (because everyone has a 1st house & Mars . . . both rules by Aries . . . somewhere in your charts), but mine is extra emphasized.  It’s not like, “Eh . . . maybe not today.”  It’s more like “Um, every second of every day you better be operating like this or life is going to suck ass for you.”

So . . . here’s to keeping in the remembering portion of personal peek-a-boo . . . and remembering the *Me* needs.

I Wanna Be Like Me by Sara Bareilles

We’re All On This Road Together

This morning I was feeling like my writing has been *off* for me lately.  I used to feel a lot more openness and excitement when writing.  It used to flow more freely and feel fun.  It used to feel really satisfying when I hit the publish button.  But, it hasn’t felt that way lately, and I want to know why.

When asking my journal that same question this morning, I received a surprising answer.  (Such a clever journal I have.)  I wrote:

I think I try too hard.  I think maybe I’m trying to prove something?  Trying to impress?  I think I have been.  I think I’ve been feeling so incompetent in life lately, that I’ve been trying to make up for it with my blog posts.  Like, “See – I’m actually pretty smart and I know things and stuff. . . “

If I’m really being honest with myself. . . I think this may be the truth.

I *do* have a lot of information. . . but I walk through life feeling like I don’t know anything, or that everyone around me knows better than I do.  I’m not consciously aware that I’m feeling this, but it plays out in various ways in my responses and reactions to others.

I wrote yesterday, about how I felt something shifting and changing in me. . . and I do.  But it’s also resulting in a tug of war inside of me, bringing up the very things that have prevented me from being all Gemini social butterfly in the past.  I’m not feeling concerned that maybe I’m regressing, so much as understanding and coming to peace with both parts of me. . . the recluse and the social butterfly.  I don’t kill one in favor of the other and declare victory. . . I integrate and become both fully.

There are many reasons I secluded myself, and all are valid.  Some reasons are from hurt, and some are from need.  Some of the hurt that comes from being around other people, is that I tend to feel like an idiot.  The reasons and whys of it are irrelevant at this point, it’s enough for me to just say that I feel that way.

Feeling like an idiot does nothing for a person’s self confidence.  It prevents me from speaking what I feel and know.  It tightens my throat and my stomach. . . my ability to speak and my own personal power.  So there are all these things that want to come out, but I don’t feel confident enough in myself to own it and speak it around others, or to actually do something with it.  I just keep leading a mediocre life, doing only a fraction of what I know I’m capable of, and feeling like a failure everywhere I go because of it.

Being able to write and publish any words at all online, has been a herculean task for me.  It’s been my way of trying to learn how to speak and live out loud. . . outside of myself.  A way to build strength and confidence, so that I can learn how to say what’s inside of me without tapping out.  Jay even had a dream about it not too long ago, that was very revealing to me.  I was an apple on a table, with a lot of knowledge. . . but I was too scared.  I even fainted.  A fainting apple pretty much sums me up.

But in the meantime, while I’ve worked on become braver. . . I have continued to feel very incompetent in the other areas of my life, and I think I’ve come to lean on my blog posts as a place where I can try and feel like I’m somebody.  That the feeling of lack in the other areas of my life don’t really feel that way as long as I’m writing posts.

That has affected the quality and enjoyment of my writing.  No matter how much I’ve consciously tried to keep as *real* as possible when I’m writing, if I’m not admitting even to myself how I’m feeling in the rest of my life, it’s going to seep into this area as well.  Instead of just feeling and writing for the pure joy of it, I am subconsciously trying to prove myself.  I’m trying to make myself be seen as I wish others in life would see me. . . and that’s not being real at all.

It is so easy to fool ourselves, when we don’t wish to see the truth.

I don’t want my writing to be sabotaged because I’m focusing on how others will see me, possibly judge me, based on what I write.  That goes for writing outrageously (to try and push others away. . . a kind of “I don’t care what others think” mentality) to writing safely (trying to take into account everyone’s feelings and being various levels of politically correct. . . even as I hate on the whole concept of being PC).

My best writings have happened when I came from a place of not having a message in mind.  When I wasn’t trying to be anyone or say anything in particular at all.

To add a whole new layer of honest, it’s been when I didn’t hold myself separate from everyone else.  When I let it be okay for me to be “average”, or “normal”, or just like everyone else.  I was joking with Jay the other morning that I have an inferiority complex. . . but I think that maybe I really do.  I have felt so insignificant, so unimportant in the big scheme of things. . . that I hold myself apart from others because it hurts too much to admit that maybe I’m the same as everyone else

I think a part of me does think I’m better than everyone else. Or *wants* to believe that.  I’m not always feeling this, but it is a part of my shadow side that I need to bring to light so I can give it great big bear hugs.

Otherwise, how can I truly connect with others?  I can’t do that if I’m holding myself higher or separate from them.

And it’s really, really not fair to others.  I don’t want to make people feel like they are less than me, just because I feel like I’m less than nothing. . . in my attempt to try to prove to them that I’m something.

Especially when the basis for it isn’t even true.  Or rather, the perspective is all off.  If you lived your whole life in a room with only the brightest minds of the universe. . . you’d feel pretty average and insignificant based on not knowing the even bigger picture.

What I wrote in my post yesterday, about wanting to have connections with people again, and wanting to be in others lives and vice versa, is coming from a place of just being and feeling like one of the “peeps” here on Earth, and it feels really, really fantastic.

So, I think maybe I’ll come down to Earth, and let it be okay to be human for a bit.

It doesn’t mean that I’m not going to be outrageous, or ridiculous, or change moods (or my mind) in the blink of an eye. . . but it does mean that I’ll get to be those things *with* others, and they get to be those things with me too.

We're all on this road together.