Uranus Has Something He’d Like To Say

unique opportunity has presented itself to me.  I currently have an infrequent transit happening in my natal chart, and I’m really feeling the effects . . . so I want to document what I’m experiencing as it’s happening in the name of astrological studies.  : )

Uranus takes 84.3 years to take one lap around the Sun.  So unless I live to be approx. 120 years old . . . this is the last time I will experience this transit in my current life.

Uranus is currently transiting Aries 9 degrees:

Transiting Uranus currently at 9 degrees 0 minutes 15 seconds (Source: www.astro.com)

Transiting Uranus currently at 9 degrees 0 minutes 15 seconds (Source: http://www.astro.com)

My natal ascendant is Aries 9 degrees 18 minutes:

Transiting Uranus at Aries 9 degrees Crossing the Natal Ascendant.

Transiting Uranus at Aries 9 degrees Crossing the Natal Ascendant.

The actual documenting of me becoming aware of me experiencing this is in the post (and comments section) Remembering My Will To Live.

One of the most noticeable things I’ve noticed for me, is my increasing interest to talk about astrology in my posts.  That feeling started Jan 9, 2013 with my post Wanting To Be A Graceful Swan, Destined To Be A Goofy Dork.

However now as I understand what this new feeling in me is mostly related to, I can remember the post where I felt that first distinct shift beginning to happen in me, and it was in my post The Hum Of Life from December 30th.  Transiting Uranus was at Aries 8 degrees 39 minutes.

If some patient soul were to read my posts from shortly before that post until current . . . I wouldn’t be surprised if the reader experienced (or at least recognized) how I’ve been experiencing the approach of Uranus to my ascendant.  It actually feels to me like someone who was alone and far away from the rest of humanity . . . and started to come closer to where everyone else has been hanging out.  Flashbacks of Sesame Street just came back to me.  ( . . . . Far . . . Near . . .)

That feeling of being far off from everyone else . . .  like I can’t quite connect to the rest of the world as an individual . . . not being of this world . . . that’s how I experience Uranus in the 12th house.

The feeling of coming to the party . . . of being present and being part of a bigger group . . . is how I’m experiencing Uranus moving towards my 1st house of self.

It’s making me experience life in a completely different way.  Right now, it’s kind of intense in my head (ruled by Aries).  It feels like electrical turbulence trying to go through my head . . . or an electrified charge building in intensity.  Last night, I was getting shocked by everything I touched.  Whether it was to unplug an electrical cord or just trying to pet a cat . . . everything my hand came in touch with got zapped.  Uranus rules electricity.

{Note:  Something else started to happen here when I was writing the post.  I slipped into another state of consciousness and was just typing like a madman.  I was aware that I had gone into this state, but I had no desire to stop or go against it so I just let it run its course.}

. . .

I’m having to be even more conscious about staying open and letting everything flow through me vs. trying to stop anything flowing through me and trying to examine it.  I either “open wide” and just let stuff through . . . or start immediately suffering the consequences.  It quite literally feels like I’m trying to open my entire being both energetically and physically, to let something big come through.  Just like when giving birth.  It’s taking the same kind of focus, resources, and discipline as it took when I was in labor with my son.

Which makes sense . . . that’s the doorway you cross when you’re being born . . . from Pisces to Aries.  Aries is the natural ruler of the 1st house and the Ascendant.  Birth.  It’s the moment in time when a woman opens the doorways between *here* and *there* within herself during “labor” to allow the soul to come into this world through a physical body.  Same mechanisms in energy are in play here.

The best thing you can do in labor or whenever you’re in any incredible pain really (emotional or physical), is to surrender to it.  Let go of fighting it.  Let go of resisting it.  When you’re in labor . . . that shit is happening no matter what.  It is pointless to fight it.  But pain scares us.  So when we feel it coming on and we start to get scared, what do we do . . . we tense.  That makes it FAR worse.  Have you ever been in pain, like when you stub a toe (son of a !$%$*&), and decided to open up to the pain?

It’s hard because we instinctively tighten our body against the pain because we’re scared of it.  I promise it makes it worse.  And surrender to the pain, doesn’t mean you numb or ignore it.  That just deadens you to the pain.  No, what I’m talking about, is when the expected tension of pain starts to register . . . go into the pain.  Open up to it and surrender to it the same as you would when you experienced bliss.  If you’re ever able to overcome your instinct to cringe or fight the pain, you will experience something completely different than pain.

I did exactly that with my monthly cramps.  They used to be so bad that no amount of pain pills helped.  It was so intolerable that I was pushed to the point of trying a new way.  It took me about 6 cycles to finally shift it within me.  Each month when it was at its worst, instead of pills, I would go into deep meditation and talk to my body. “Let go . . . stop fighting . . . let go . . . stop fighting . . . it’s okay . . . you’re okay”.  Each month began to ease.  Then one month . . . I felt the muscles in my body start to do their thing . . . and my instinctive response was to “Let go”. . . and my body opened up.  And far from experiencing pain . . . I moved into ecstasy and a connection with the divine.  (Neptune/Moon conjunction).

Women’s mysteries.  We gotz them.  But we can’t access them or our power while we are in fear.  Guess why certain factions want to keep women disempowered and shut down.  Why there’s been a smear campaign against women in history . . . trying to make them feel like they’re less than they are.

It is no longer my belief that a woman’s cycle should be a source of shame.  It is a source of our power.  It should not be painful and something we tolerate.  It is where we renew our connection and ability to bring life and nourishment into the physical plane.  There is nothing more satisfying than connecting to life . . . it is meant to feel good . . . not be painful.

One way for you (if you are a female in your child bearing years) to know whether you are closed or shut down to the source of life and to receiving, is if you experience painful monthly cramps.  Or maybe you are numb or unaware of that process in you completely.

Why is the World so lacking in care, nourishment, and love?  Because Her women have been shut down.  Women bring that into the world for all of us.  Shut them down, disempower them, disrespect them, leave them to fend for themselves, force them against their will, treat them like they’re worthless, fail to protect them from harm . . . and eventually we all pay for it.

We are a world out of balance from what is natural, seeking equilibrium.  It doesn’t mean we have to go back to living in caves or log cabins in order to get back into balance.  But we have to find how to become balanced in the world we are in . . . in a different way than we currently are.

The universe is always seeking equilibrium.  Currently we have moved too far into the energy of the Masculine, Yang energy.  Too much repression of the Feminine, Yin energy.  There is not enough heart, not enough feelings, not enough caring.  What do we do when someone is sensitive?  We make fun of them.  We tell them to man up.  We see it as weak.  As if to be caring and nurturing are weak.

We don’t allow for things to be.  Everything is forced.  Everything is something to be controlled.  Schedules, goals, feelings.  We are raised from a very young age to tune out your natural way of being and flowing through life naturally in a trusting and open way.  Do this now.  Do it this way.  I want my company to make this much money by this day.  We don’t stop and listen to our inner compass to feel what should be happening at any given moment.  We force ourselves against it.  That is too much masculine energy.  That is how we lose the feminine energy of just being . . . of letting things be what they are . . . of letting things be when they need to be.

That is how we’ve become out of balance with nature.

I can still be running a company, making lots of money, and be in balance with my inner nature.  But it means being more in touch with your feelings and inner compass.  It means learning when it’s time to yang and when it’s time to yin.  There’s a time for action . . . and there is a time for just being.  When everyone is in touch with those things in themselves, then they are able to be individuals within a collective and everything run flawlessly because the universe knows what the hell it’s doing despite what we think.

When your focus is strictly on something like making money, or becoming powerful, or becoming famous instead of what should actually be happening in any given moment based on each of our natural flow, then success can become illusive.  Whereas if you had just been present and done what was needed at any given moment (by being present and aware), you would have obtained success effortlessly.

Trying to force an outcome and make things happen how you think they should happen is how you get in your own way.  That is your ego thinking it knows better than the universe how things need to happen in order to reach your goal.

We are so focused on trying to make things be a certain way or for the process to look a certain way, that we become completely blind and deaf to what is actually being asked of us by life.  We’ve moved too far towards our head and too far from our heart.  You need both in harmony and connected in order to function effectively.  Basically the blending of masculine and feminine.  The divine marriage.

Why are so many men becoming so sensitive and effeminate and so many women are becoming more assertive?  Because that is nature’s way of correcting an imbalance.  We’ve become so blind by ourselves, that we sit and argue over whether a male being gay is an evil sin or not . . . instead of seeing that it stems from an imbalance in the masculine over the feminine.  The “sin” is that the interaction between the masculine (patriarchy) and feminine (matriarchy) is so far out of balance that mother nature is having to overcorrect to such obvious degrees.  Condemning the individuals and groups that are the NATURAL result of that imbalance, and who are in fact part of nature’s solution to correct that imbalance is the sin in that scenario.

Who are the most furious and hateful towards homosexuals?  The mindset of a select group of white males.  Who is in power and the most out of balance with the feminine energy?  The same select group of white males.  They are the ones so far out of balance, and yet they condemn the homosexuals who are here to try and counteract the imbalance caused by the select group of white males.  It’s not the homosexuals themselves that they should be afraid of, it’s what they represent.  They are letting those in power know, that their time is coming to an end.  And they have absolutely no say in it.

They don’t want to lose “perceived” control over Earth.  But you do not own a woman like an object.  You do not control a woman against her will.  If you are in power, it’s because she is letting you be in power . . . not because you have conquered her.  Earth is being very merciful and patient . . . trying to give as much warning and time as possible for those out of balance, to change their ways.  If their pride and arrogance refuse to change and bring things back into balance.  Then she will end it.  She will fuck them up to bring the suffering they are causing the many to an end.  Hence the increase in natural disasters.

There is too much focus on the signs of trouble, being the cause for the trouble, instead of seeing that they are simply markers . . . warnings . . . not the things themselves that are causing the trouble.

It’s also a sign to the rest of us who came to help during this time, to stop allowing that shit to continue.  Stop taking it.  Stop pretending like the insane logic that rules our planet is okay or that you’re helpless against it.  You absolutely are not.  If every single one of us who have suffered from this imbalance were to start standing up and gaining self knowledge and clarity and what we know to be true for ourselves and then holding ourselves to our truths . . . then those currently in power and enforcing their will onto us . . . would lose all of their power over Earth.

Question why you do what you do.  Why do you continue to live in suffering?  What could you do different in each moment to break out of that cycle and change how you live life . . . how you experience life.  How we all experience life.

WHO MADE ALL OF THESE DUMBASS RULES THAT DON’T WORK FOR THE MAJORITY OF US?

And why do we continue to just do them instead of finding a new way that works better for us . . . that works better for all of us?  Why do we continue to do the same things over and over when they hurt us?  There is always a different way.  There is always a new way.  We never have to settle with “that’s just how things are”.  Ask yourself WHY are they like that.  What’s the reasoning behind it?  Does it still apply?  Is there a new, better way?  Talk about those ideas.  Find the courage to try those ideas no matter how small and insignificant you think they are.

Well then.  If this post is any indication of what’s to come during the time period that Uranus moves across my ascendant and into my 1st house of Self, then the world may need to brace itself for me.

Remembering My Will To Live

Do you know what I remembered about myself today?  The only time I get angry . . . and I mean like Wrath of Jenn kind of angry . . . is when a true injustice is happening and needs to be set right.

You know what else I realized about myself?  I *don’t* believe that the actions of a person necessarily say what kind of person someone is.  People often say, “Actions speak louder than words.”  Well . . . okay.  But does that make them more accurate than words?  Is it not possible that the same thing that fuels a person’s words can also fuel their actions . . . and both be just as wrong or right?

I understand what is meant by the quote.  That there is talking about something, and then there’s actually doing something about it.  But some people are meant to use their words . . . and some are meant to take action.  Not everyone is meant to do both.  But that’s getting off track.  I was simply wanting to point out that I see flaws in this quote, so since I’m going to tear it apart anyways . . .

It’s easy to make a swift judgment about someone based on their words or their actions without bothering to even understand their motive or what drives them.  That’s the lazy way.  Or.  That’s the fearful way.

I’ve been watching a Korean drama series called “The Great Queen Seon Deok” on Netflix.  And as often happens in my world, the things I happen to be watching or reading at any point in my life, have circumstances play out that ends up having the characters talking about exactly the things that have been on my mind for that day or even the hour before.

Yesterday, I was wondering what had happened to my will.  Why has my will and confidence waned in the last year?  How do I get it back?  I have loads of Aries Fire . . . will, initiative, drive, fight . . . so where is it?  And why can’t I even seem to get myself into an anger fit over having lost it?  I actually miss getting angry.  I miss caring about something so much that I’m willing to go to battle over it.

The conversations between the characters last night touched on this subject.  The “evil” woman-in-charge in the show (who eventually the Great Queen opposes), said that there are two things we can do when we become afraid.  We can run.  Or we can get angry.  (And then me being a back seat driver said, “Or you can freeze.”)

But this supposed evil woman (who really has quite a bit of wisdom, even if misguided) really got me thinking.  She basically had said “fight or flight” . . . the survival instinct . . . Aries.  But because she had worded it differently (or the translator did . . . unsung heroes), it helped me see outside of my box.

Later in the episode, it showed an action the evil woman had taken to get her way.  The villagers were running away in fear . . . victims . . . helpless.  Even the royalty were bending over and taking it.  But then this one dude in the Princess’s guards lost it when his parents were like . . . “maybe we should have you marry into her family (evil woman – not princess) in order to keep our clan safe for future generations.”  The dude was like “What?  WHAT?!”  And then his mom was like don’t lose your cool, don’t act irrationally, etc.

Then the guy earned my respect when he DID become calm . . . but also very focused . . . and VERY sure about himself.  He was *confidence* and *calm* incarnate.  He said, “No.  No.  FIRST (said every Aries ever) you get angry.  FIRST you let yourself feel the anger of what is happening.”

I think it was at this point I started crying.

He wasn’t going off like a berserker and mindlessly going on a killing spree.  He was using his anger in the way it was intended to be used.  To change how things are.  Anger is an energy that is needed in order to take action to do something that needs to be done.  But I feel like there’s this assumption that anger means we go to war.  Yes, if you lose your goddamn head (Aries) you can find yourself writing checks your ass can’t cash and end up in costly wars.  But temper (Libra) and discipline that Aries energy . . . and you have someone who is going to make change happen that is long overdue.

The dude (who shall be referred to for the rest of my post as “my hero”) went to the princess and the “secret” princess pretending to be a man in the guard, and was all “Seriously?  Seriously?  Don’t tell me that you’re sitting there in fear.  Because if you’re sitting there wimping out in defeat, I’m outta here.”  And then you saw the secret princess pause . . . and then something lit up in her eyes.  And I started cheering at the TV.

I KNOW that look.  That is the look of determination.  That is the look of, “oh HELL no you did not just mess with my peeps.”

All it takes is that one person . . . that ONE person (Aries) . . . to spark that fire in others.  That’s exactly what Aries is . . . the spark of life.  Of the three fires in the zodiac (fire is inspiration), Aries is the spark that initiates life.  It’s the moment we are born.  The moment new ideas are born.  (Leo & Sagittarius are the other fires).  It’s the crossover from the divine (pisces) into life (aries).  Aries is the start of spring.  New life.

Aries/Mars is also the will to live.  Your will to live.  Your reason for living.

I have a LOT of this in me.  But when you have lots of something, you can take it for granted . . . not understand what you have that others are missing.  I have experienced the last year, what it feels like to have it go missing.  And o . m . g . you guys.  It sucks.  It sucks ass.  It sucks ass bad.

I have always struggled with my temper and my anger.  I don’t want people to be scared of me.  I don’t want to scare people.  I want to help and protect them.  But my temper and anger is often misunderstood.  I’ve worked so hard to  . . . well I guess honestly to overcome it . . . to try and transcend my anger.  For some reason I took my anger (which is the same energy as my will, confidence, passion) to be something bad or wrong with me.  A civilized person doesn’t get angry.

And that’s exactly what all these royal “people in charge” were trying to tell my hero.  That the way he was feeling was wrong.  And he was all, “Nope.”  {swoon}

Aries are also the leaders in life.  They’re the ones who are willing to stand alone in what they believe, and say, “This is not right.  This is not okay.  I cannot stand by and continue to go along with this.  I need to take action.”  Anger . . . serves . . . a VERY important purpose.  And if our response is ALWAYS to repress it in the name of being “civil” or even “sacrifice” (here, marry our enemy) . . . we will as a whole, lose our will.

We will lose our will to live.  We will lose our fight . . . our spirit.  We will lose all of the fuel needed in order to make true change happen in our times of need.  You aren’t being civilized just because you aren’t raising your voice.  You aren’t being a good person just because you are being passive.

And I LOVED my hero’s point.  He wasn’t saying to throw diplomacy out the window.  He wasn’t saying that you don’t sit and think things through.  He was saying FIRST . . . you let yourself feel your anger so that you have clarity and understanding about what is really happening.  That is the epitome of Aries . . . and my Aries Mars and Venus were crying, cheering . . . feeling validated for probably the first time ever.  That it’s okay.  It’s okay that I am that way.  It serves a purpose . . . there is a use for it in our lives.  It is not something that fell away with the days that we were “barbarians”.

How do you know how you feel about something really, if you don’t let the initial emotion that comes through . . . come through.  My Aries outbursts are immediate . . . and then gone.  I mean gone gone.  I don’t hold grudges.  I erupt with the initial feeling at a situation . . . that tells me without filtering or rationalizing, what I REALLY feel about something.  Then it’s gone . . . but then I’m left feeling very clear about what it is I need to do.  It’s like a super power.  My level of awareness and focus goes into supernova and I know exactly what.the.fuck. needs to happen.  And it does happen.  It will happen.

An immature Aries person might do it without thinking and hurt and run over people.  But I’ve been disciplining the hell out of my Aries, and I’m fully aware and present when I’m in that state.  I am able to continue to stay aware of what I’m doing, even as I’m managing and putting out 10,000 fires.  This is what my anger, my temper, my Aries does for me.  It’s what makes me a superhero in my own story of life.

When I try to hide it, or suppress it so that I don’t intimidate or scare others, or because of other’s judgment of what they think it is . . . I lose a very, very important part of who I am.  Without my fight and passion . . . I am not me.  Without my heart and love for those in my world . . . I am nothing.  I become nothing.  I accomplish nothing.  I lose my will.  I lose my fire.

My actions become ones from a place of fear.  I buckle under pressure.  I lose my voice.  I become afraid of taking any risks or any chances.  I become a victim of life.  I do what I’m told without argument.  (<— that’s an action)  I do all kinds of things I don’t agree with because I have no fight or strength to do otherwise.  (<— that’s an action)  I only do bare minimum to get by or survive (<— that’s an action)  But . . . those things are not me.  That’s a broken Jenn.  That’s not a Jenn on Fire.

There was a quote in a recent post of mine that said that with my North Node Libra, I would find in me a great ability to give will to others where there was none before.  And when reading that, it had made me cry.  I didn’t know why it touched me.  But after feeling so worthless and “wrong” and bad my whole life because of my passion and will . . . and then seeing that there is a need and a purpose for that very thing in me . . . I feel validated in life and for my existence in the highest degree.  That it’s because of those very things in me that have been feared, shamed, repressed . . . that make me such a valuable and needed person in the world.

It’s like having wandered the wilderness alone my whole life, wishing for any sign of a friendly face or a kind word . . . and having only ever met hungry wolves.  And then one day, wandering into a huge protected community full of people who have been waiting for me with open arms in order to fill me up with all the love care a person could ever want . . . just because I was me.  Just because I existed.  That that was all that was ever being asked of me in the first place.

Gomer Pyle

Keep Going . . . You Don’t Want To Miss This

There is a dream I had back in October that has been tapping me on my shoulder a lot the last couple of weeks.  When I turn around to yell, “What?!” it just stands there and stares at me.  It doesn’t say anything (because that would be weird), but I do get a feeling of please share me.  Then I feel the sum of what is happening on Earth at this time . . . I hear the words that were said at the end of the dream.  Then I feel what can only be described as hearing/feeling a collective prayer . . . a plea . . . and I see in my mind’s eye a sea of faces crying . . . frustrated . . . confused.  All of them so scared inside . . . unsure.

It all feels so big.  Sharing my dream feels so small.

But then I think of all of the times I was in a really bad place in my life . . . and how I’d search the internet trying to find something . . . anything . . . to let me know that I would be okay.  To inspire me to keep trying and keep going.  Often the places I would find the most valuable thing to me, would be some obscure blog post.  Just someone ranting or sharing something about themselves.  Maybe someone just being raw and real with no apologies.  Maybe someone just openly sharing their own fears or heartaches.  Those things would touch me so much that it would cut through my cold and have me sobbing with my whole body.  Those people saved my life and sanity on numerous occasions.

The countless anonymous people who have helped me with their words, will probably never have any idea what they did for me.  I wish I could have told them.  But the thing about being in a deep dark hole, is that you’re unable to gather enough strength to even click a *like* button . . . let alone shout your gratitude to the surface.

For those of you who are stuck down in that deep well . . . it’s for you that I write.  I got lost in my writing groove because I was unconsciously addressing the haters from my past who haunt me, and I was trying to prove myself to them . . . or help them understand me.  That’s not what I want.

The path that has lead me to this moment has been incredible.  It has been spent living in the valley of the shadow of death and chaos.  It has been spent without a voice of my own.

Slowly and surely I have been finding my voice.  Finding the courage to say the things I know inside of me.  And those things aren’t meant for those who would tear me down or try to hold me under water.  They aren’t meant for those who insist on seeing me as anything less than I am.  They are not meant for those who are bent on being offended instead of seeing the innocence in my words.

They are meant for others like me.  They are meant for the ones who have lost themselves.  They are meant for the ones who have lost their own voices.  They are meant for the ones who have been unfairly made to feel like they are worth anything less than they are.  Anyone who has felt unloved and unwanted by life.  They are meant for the ones looking for a light of hope.  The ones looking for a reason to keep going . . . to keep trying.

So yes . . . the feeling I felt when recalling my dream from last October felt big . . . and sharing the dream seems so small in comparison.  But not when I really think about my reasons for wanting to write and share.  Not when it might possibly reach the eyes of that one person who is desperately searching the internet to find something . . . anything . . . to help them not sink deeper into the darkness.  From that perspective, it becomes as big as my feeling of the collective who is crying out for help.

So when the dream tapped me on the shoulder this morning, I said, “Okay.  I will share it.”

This is from my dream journal dated Oct. 14, 2013:

I was in an ethereal type place.  I dreamt that a bunch of monkeys came in the house I was in.  One ran up to me.  When I went to pick him up, he was actually a little boy.  His left eye was a milky white, but not quite all of it.

He said his name was Tommy.  I said my name was Jennifer.  When I said it, the boy looked at some others there, and they nodded their head as if to say just go along with it.  They also said something about me being booked up for months out.  I said if I am, then why am I still working (referring to my current job).  I just got more confused looks like it had nothing to do with what they were talking about. 

So I started talking with the boy.  I told him that his eye was pretty cool.  He said that he was trying to make it so I would see it (trying to bring attention to it).  He very openly said that it was from trying to commit suicide.  Something about trying to eat cupboard food.

I kept looking him in the eyes, and doing a focused zoomed in thing that seemed to make the moment more surreal.  In that moment, the dream became more real than real life.  “Vivid” and “lucid” aspire to be that clear and present.

I said, “There is something special happening on Earth right now.  I know it’s hard, but you don’t want to miss it.”

We were walking along, and there was one other person walking with us.  Something interrupted us.  Then I found myself repeating to him, “There is something special happening on Earth.” 

The emphasizes in the dream was the message.  The boy who tried to commit suicide  . . . and me trying to strongly impress in him that I knew how hard it was . . . but he needed to trust me when I said that he did not want to miss it.  When I was talking with him . . . I felt so deeply in me . . . “don’t give up . . . hold on a little longer . . . this is something you really want . . . have faith and hold on a little longer . . . it’s going to be okay.”

I was aware of all of my own pain and struggle in my current life . . . I knew personally how hard it was.  But even bigger in feeling, was the understanding of what was really happening in the background.  That what was currently in the process of unfolding on Earth made all of the pain and struggle so small and powerless in comparison.  And strangely . . . there was even a moment of all of us knowing that we would all be struggling at this point in the process . . . and that we would need a nudge or reminder to keep going.

You can do it.  Keep going.

The sky filled with love.

The sky filled with love.

Self Knowledge Is Self Empowerment

This morning I was responding to comments from my last blog post, Breaking Open.  And not for the first time when replying to a comment, I found that my reply was turning into a full blown blog post.  Something happens for me in that particular dynamic that clears my head, and I go into a very clear and sacred space.

The big picture view and my own personal view come into focus and it’s almost like everything has already been written . . . I’m just copying it down as if I was taking notes in a class.  In that space, everything makes sense.  Everything is understood.  It is a place of timelessness.  It is a place of peace and love.

(Oh man if you could see in my head right now, my natal chart has just lit up like a pinball machine on crack . . . I can see exactly how everything I’m writing today is shown prominently in my birth chart.)

I hope a way presents itself on how I can incorporate that more into this blog, because I am much happier writing from that space.  Until then, I’d like to share what came from my initial attempt to reply to a comment.

It was in reply to Astrologerpeg’s comment.  (Here’s a shout out to her own blog site Astrologerpeg’s Blog . . . that’s what you can expect from me if I call you out unexpectedly in one of my posts.  Free advertising ; )  But back to the comment, most specifically to this part:

 I don’t know what we can do about the world, except visualize it better and believe that one day it will be better

I would imagine that Astrologerpeg is far from alone in her thoughts about this.  Things are insane . . . but what do we do?

I started to reply with a big fat “I don’t know” . . . except when I started typing . . . something else came out instead.  I don’t think it’s *the* answer, but I believe it’s *an* answer.  The remainder of this post is that *something* that my heart wanted to say.  (And thanks Astrologerpeg for being the person that I needed to help me focus and clear my thoughts, enabling me to be able to communicate them at all.  A perfect example of how just being who you are, can help others in ways you can’t possibly imagine.)

How I feel about it right now, is that a lot of focus is currently on what we can do to change other people.  “If I do *A*, then the other person will do *B*, and then that will make the world a better place.”  But all that does, is force us to project our world and understanding of it onto another person.  It forces us to make assumptions and judgments about them.  When we do that, we aren’t really listening to what they have to offer, and we’re not seeing who the person is and ultimately we just end up negating them.  I don’t feel that is helping the world.

I can’t know another person better than themselves.  I don’t know what they know, I haven’t experienced what they’ve experienced.  So how can I tell them who or how to be, or even what is best for them?  So I feel, that instead of trying to tell everyone else what to do, feel, or think . . . that we first focus on learning and understanding who we are for ourselves.

Why do I need to do things this way?  Why does this make me feel the way it does?  What hurts me?  What makes me happy?  Why?

Not from a defensive judgmental standpoint, but from a place of childlike curiosity (aka Gemini :).  It is like unwrapping a never-ending present.  A great joy comes from discovering who *you* really are.

When a person understands themselves, then they are more easily able to communicate back out to others what is and is not true for them.  What is and is not okay for them. Healthy boundaries are easier to set and maintain.  It’s harder to be manipulated and controlled by others.  It becomes more difficult to fall into “victim” status.

Knowledge is power.  So knowledge of self becomes Self-Empowerment.

A tremendous amount of inspiration in my life came from the quote by Mahatma Gandhi, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.”  I have it written on a slab of stone hanging over my fireplace.  When something inspires me, I take it to heart and I strive to live by it.

The things that inspire us, make us happy, and brings us to life . . . they do so because it is something important to who we are in our heart.  The same things that inspire me won’t necessarily inspire jack-shit in another person no matter how much I like them . . . because it’s not a part of who they are meant to be.  It’s not a part of their journey.  Some things inspire all of us because they touch on a universal truth, but that’s the exception and not the rule.

So why then, do we try to take our personal truths and make everyone else live them?  (I am one of the biggest offenders of this, btw.)  It’s with good intentions, yes . . . but what happens is when others choose to do their own thing instead of what you’re doing . . . it feels like you don’t support them on their path, and like they don’t support you on yours . . . and then it becomes harder to be who you are around others.  That’s a lose/lose.

But what if, instead . . . we just took those things that speak to our heart and become those things ourselves.

The more that I become who I am by embodying what I hold most valuable and dear to my heart . . . the less need I feel to judge or change anyone else around me.  The more I’m able to truly see others for who they are, and not as I need or wish them to be.  The more I’m able to actually live my life on purpose, and not spend all of my energy trying to control and manipulate everyone around me in an effort to make the world better by my standards.

So I guess my feeling about what can be done to change the world . . . is that you don’t.  I don’t feel that the focus should be on changing the world.  That’s too much responsibility for one human.  There’s no way you’re going to convince 7+ billion people to all think one way, because each has their own way that needs to be honored.  But if all 7+ billion people all truly understood and honored their own, unique way . . . then the world would change.

No, but I do!

No, but I do!

We Are Each A Blazing Light of Glory

I had the most unusual dream last night.  At first I wasn’t sure what the dream was referencing, but the more I wrote and talked it out. . . the more I realized it was a memory from shortly before I was born here.  I feel the weird, almost disorienting, feeling of having regained a long lost memory.

I was wandering around a place.  This place had lots of food.  There was a whole section just for meat . . . in clear packaging.  As I wandered through that particular open room, I was thinking of how there was plenty of food for everyone.  This food thing was a little strange, but it was nice to know that there was plenty of everything for everyone.  It was interesting to me though, because the whole idea of needing to have something outside of me in order to sustain myself was a little foreign to me.  Even trying to pretend like I needed food was an exercise in imagination.

I wondered what it was going to feel like, when we all were going to feel like there maybe isn’t enough for everyone.  I saw flashes of images of Earth, in Africa, where people were lacking this substance.  What did that feel like?  It’s hard to imagine in a place where there’s more than enough, and when it’s not *really* necessary.  If I just connected directly into *source*, I was completely nourished.

But that’s not what the point of this place was.  Although I still wasn’t incarnated yet, I was already away from home and everything I knew.  I seemed to be the only one of my kind in this place at this time.  I had a group that I had been hanging out with and had been bonding with since we had arrived there, but it feels like it does when you go to summer camp and bond with people. . . you’re still out there on your own and making the best of the situation.

Everyone else there felt like strangers to me.  I didn’t know anyone there really.  I kind of got the feeling that there were a lot of us there like that.  Like each species or world or group had sent representatives. . . and here we were.  This place we were at, was like a substation.  We were acclimating to the frequency and vibrations that were much different and denser than what we were used to.  All of the “food” there was to help us to adjust to the idea of needing to eat, as well as helping us become denser.

I felt rumors or whispers filtering through the halls.  It wasn’t that people were actually talking, it was in the air, and I was able to pick it up.  What I heard snapped me out of my thoughts about the food situation.

“What do you mean we forget?”

I started feeling a pull towards a location.  It felt like a magnet was pulling on me.  Everyone that had been at this substation with me, was also feeling the pull and moving towards a single location.  I found my group I had been bonding with.  They were walking ahead of me, and they seemed taller than me.  I was communicating to them as we followed the pull, saying “Did you hear that we forget?  We’re going to forget?”  I felt mostly curious about it, but something else was creeping into me.

I heard my group kind of murmur and pass the information between them, but nothing more was really said because we were suddenly boarding this train-like vehicle.  I had wanted to sit with my group, but the pull was so strong on everybody, that the seats all around my group were already filled up.  I went further down the train, and almost had a seat. . . but it filled before I actually could get in it.  I was sure I was meant to have a seat, so I just kept moving down until I found one that I got into.

I remember sitting in a seat that reminds me of those booster seats you use for toddlers so that they can reach the table.  Except it was kind of up in the air, so I just kind of leaned into it from a standing position.  I remember the strange thinnish “seatbelts” that you clicked in place over your lap.  I was now staring straight ahead.

I was sitting in-between two people I didn’t know.  I couldn’t stop pondering the implications of what I had just found out.

I’m going to forget.

When we get there, I’m not even going to know that I don’t know these two people next to me.  I’m not going to remember that I got sat far away from my own group.  I’m going to forget that I was even here.  It’s going to be like none of this happened at all.

This felt like new or surprising information to me.  I was wondering how I was supposed to do what I was coming to Earth to do, if I was going to forget who I was.  And why did I find out moments before it was time to come into the Earth realm?  I knew it was on purpose and that everything was setup exactly as it was meant to be. . . but what did this mean?  As I centered myself for my descent into this world, a sadness was starting to creep into me.

My curiosity and need to know and understand things, didn’t know what to expect with this sudden turn of events.  Forgetting, to me, feels like a fate worse than death.  I’m pretty sure it is, as far as the immortal soul is concerned.  I trusted that we all knew what we were doing. . . but I was also feeling a little scared at forgetting my existence prior to my birth.  But the adventurer in me, was open to the new experiences this would bring me.

So I let go, and gave in to the pull that was bringing in the latest group of brave souls coming into Earth as representatives of far larger groups of beings from all over the universe.  There was a call for help, and we had been called back into service.  This wasn’t a joy ride for us, this was a pull from our heart to serve those in great need on Earth at this time.

There was a limited amount of space open (bodies in which we were able to incarnate into) and the response to the call was so great, that each group was limited to the number of representatives that they could send.  However, each group’s unique energies and strengths are desperately needed, which means every single person matters a great deal and carries a large burden of responsibility.

Each of us matter.  And we are not alone.  We carry the hope, love, and wisdom from those all over the universe who came in response to Earth’s call for help.  And they have been watching over us all along, making sure that we’re okay. . . especially when we’re suffering.

If you are here at this time. . . you are brave beyond comprehension.  You love with a heart unmatched.  Just being here is itself an act of unconditional love.  You were thought of highly enough, that you were chosen out of trillions. . . to come be here at this time.  Here, you may feel like you’re just one of 7 billion lost souls. . . but from the perspective of the universe. . . you are the Elite.  The best of the best.  The most loving of the loved.  You are a brilliant, blazing, supernova of light.  A fiery golden light of glory.

But you just forgot.

The Story Teller

Today the crows came squawking at my window like an alarm clock.  I figured I’d better get up so they would be quiet, because that made complete sense in my half sleep state.

But it worked, the minute I slipped out of bed. . . off they went, to go wake up the next person on their list.

I’ve been thinking of my dad a lot recently.  We’ve not really been in contact a whole lot these last years.  I’ve been nose to the grindstone in pulling myself apart, cleaning off the pieces, and then carefully trying to reassemble them back into a whole. . . so I’ve not had a whole lot of contact with anyone really.

A couple of days ago, I was reminiscing about the cartoon characters my dad draws.  He has his very own unique style of drawing that I just adore.  They are almost like caricatures, in that they are so expressive of the character’s personality.  I miss those.  I loved them when I was younger, but I didn’t have enough life experience or understanding to truly appreciate them like I do now.  I didn’t understand how much they told about the man who drew them.

Yesterday, however, I was remembering my favorite thing of all about my dad.  See, he loves to read.  Not something you’d necessarily expect from a man born and raised in the humble Appalachians, but boy am I thankful he does because they led to the most memorable things from my childhood.

He would read books by authors such as Stephen King,Terry Brooks and Robert McCammon.  Usually a mix of mystery, paranormal, horror, and far off worlds.  But the best part, was when I’d ask him what the book was about that he was reading.  He didn’t just give me a two sentence summary, or read the book jacket. . . no.  I could rest assure that I was about to be propelled into another world entirely.

He would set the scene and the characters.  He would retell the story in a way that would give any of those authors a run for their money.  The world around us would dim and disappear, putting us into a magic bubble that would whisk us away to observe the story being told firsthand.  Between his ability to weave a good tale and my vivid imagination, I got to explore more rooms of the universe than is probably even fair.

His eyes would sparkle.  He seemed like a magical character himself, as if being the story teller was only a humble disguise he used to keep everyone from finding out who he really was.  And that he was really from one of those other worlds, but he couldn’t come out and say it because people here wouldn’t believe him, so he masked it in stories.  Or maybe he was in hiding from one of the dark characters in the story, and being in a world that had forgotten that magic was real, was the perfect place to hide.  It always felt like he knew so much more than he ever said.

He always made me think of the bards of old.  The genuine, skilled, talented, and oh so loved Story Teller.  He seems almost out of place in this world.  There are books, TV, movies, internet. . . more ways than ever to tell a story.  But.  When was the last time you sat down in person with a truly gifted story teller, and listened to them spin a tale?  Hearing the different intonations of their voice, and feeling the chills of the pivotal moments in the story.  Eyes glued to the person, but feeling like you are actually in the story with them.  Having a spell weaved around you, that will make you believe in the impossible and the unseen again.  You’ll know without a doubt that there is more than meets the eye in the world you live in.

A true Story Teller, speaks with their Heart.  Is full of Life and Passion.  They have Hope.  They still Believe.  They feel deeply.  They are dramatic and subtle all at the same time.  They don’t just tell a story, they embody it.  They draw your focus to the story and not them.  They are merely the messengers of something bigger that wants to be shared.  They have to feel in big and multi-faceted ways and be flexible enough to move into whichever one is needing expression at that moment in order to do the story any justice.  They have to get out of their own way.

Ironically, it was when my dad was telling these stories, that the real him would shine through the most.

My dad is also the one who first introduced me to computers back in the Tandy 1000 days, which plays a large part in why I’m in the field I’m in today.  I blame him for my love of Excel Spreadsheets.  ; )

But, nothing he did will ever mean more to me, or have played a bigger part in helping to shape the person I am today, than the time he spent in response to my question, “What is that book about?”

My dad