How The Internet Going Out Changed My Life

Do you ever have one of those days where you just *know* that fate had a hand in the events that played out?  It’s been awhile since I’ve felt that, but today was one of those days.

It was more than just the unlikely sequence of events that took place that left me feeling like that.  Preposterous things in general have a way of showing up in my life, so that’s not enough to make me raise an eyebrow.  No.  These events had a little something extra added to them.  Each one increasing the presence of that extra feeling that if I had to put words to it, might say something like, “Pay extra attention . . . magic is afoot . . . something bigger is unfolding.”

So my internet went out again this last week.  This is the 3rd time in a month.  And when it goes out, it goes out for  d a y s.  I have to completely shift how I live life.  It is absolutely amazing to me how much I rely on it now, when 20 years ago, I had never heard of it.  But anyways, being ever the optimist I’m like, “Okay, well shit.  What to do now . . . ”

This alone is a micro-series of events that took place.  It involves a whole weekend of meeting up with different friends and going to the movies and coffee shops, another weekend of inviting my son over for dinner and board games (yahtzee . . . lots of yahtzee), going to a used bookstore and finding 5 book gems that I couldn’t wait to get home and read.  It involved even more inner reflection than usual (I had nothing else to do while I stared into blank nothingness as I ate my dinner.)

So all of that led to my most recent post about all of my thinking about ‘art’.  After writing that post, the thought stream didn’t end there, it continued on the next day (usually writing about something will satisfy whatever is going on in my head and proceed to leave me alone . . . but not so here).  In that post, I had brought up my flute playing from when I was younger.  It started to haunt me.

I had completely forgotten about the musician in me.  I’ve been a mom and business analyst for so long, it completely escaped my mind that this wasn’t all I used to be.  In fact, I was so into my music in school, I fully intended to major in Music.  I was going to make it my life.  I remembered asking my mom what kind of things they have a person do to get a Ph.D in music, and she said they do things like give you an unfinished score from Mozart or one of the greats and ask you to finish it.  That scared the living shit out of me, but I was like . . . I’ll do it.  That’s how I knew that was my field.

As a little girl I had wanted to be many things and I could never make up my mind.  I wanted to be a archeologist and dig in dirt and find old things.  I wanted to be an astrophysicist and study the universe.  I wanted to be a teacher, but mostly because I wanted the summers off.  When I thought of trying to deal with 30+ kids at once, I decided that wasn’t the job for me.  I would look into what it took to be all of these things I wanted to be, and more often than not I’d see the requirements and make a scrunched up face and say . . . uh . . no.

But music . . . I was willing to go through hell and back for music.

It’s just that one day in high school I kind of hit a wall.  I had reached an incredible level of playing ability with my flute, but I just couldn’t get it to the next level.  Something in me was missing.  Something wasn’t gelling in me.  I would practice for endless hours.  My sophomore year in high school, I had a tutor who had played in the Seattle Symphony.  The first time she spoke on the phone with my mother (to arrange the lessons) and upon hearing that I wanted to go into music as a career, the tutor let my mom know that the music field is ruthless and you have to give everything you’ve got to make it in that industry and that she always encouraged her students to get a degree in some sort of science first as a backup.  She always recommended it.

Then I went to my first lesson with her.  To gauge my skill she pulled out a couple of music books and had me sight read a couple of pieces.  Saying nothing she went to her extensive music library and pulled out some more books.  This.  Now play this.  That was the entire lesson, me playing one thing after another.  Then she gave me my homework of what to study for my next lesson, and then I started to walk home.

By the time I returned home, the tutor had already called my mother.  She called simply to say, “If she wants to do music, then let her do it.  She’s got what it takes to make it.”

I honestly don’t know what I had done to impress her, but at my next lesson there was talk of traveling to Paris and competing there and . . . and . . .

That’s when I hit the wall.  I suddenly could go no further.  Something in me completely locked up and froze.  As I said before, something in me was missing.  I didn’t know what it was then . . . but I know what it is now.  It took me over 20 years of life experience and of completely walking away from music and everything I loved, in order to gain that missing something in me.  I know without a doubt that I would not have made it very much further without the experience and knowledge I’ve gained from the last couple of decades.  It would have been futile.  I would have been banging my head against a wall and I don’t think things would’ve ended well for me if I had forced it anyways.

So all of this was coming back to me.  Music.  My first love in life.  I’m not just a mom or an analyst.  I am a musician.  Even just saying it out loud brought me such peace . . . and tears.  It wasn’t just remembering I was a musician, it was allowing that feeling and reality back into my awareness.  It’s been in my peripheral for so long I had become blind to it.  I spoke about it, I’ve even tried over the years to try and play instruments again . . . but it just wasn’t time yet and so it floated in and out of my life over the years like the tide.  But this time something different is happening.

And then came today.  I woke up again with that feeling of waking from a dream and remembering, “I am a musician.” with an underline feeling of excitement.  It was like saying to myself, “I won the lottery.”  I had stopped at the music store yesterday to get a silver polishing cloth because I was going to clean my flute up all nice and pretty.  I was looking forward to beginning the process of reacquainting myself with my dear old friend.  This flute has been with me for 20+ years.  I first picked up a flute 26 years ago.  Just the act of cleaning it brought me back to all those years ago.

I was checking everything on it and I saw that the cork in the head joint was most likely going to need to be replaced.  The position it was in meant that there was nothing I could do to make my flute be in tune.  I cannot play an out of tune flute.  It’s against Jenn Law.  But no matter, the music store is just a stone’s throw from my apartment.  Which was good because the internet technician was supposed to come to fix the internet, and I had been given a time frame of 8am-6pm.  So I couldn’t go too far.

I got to the music store and turned in my flute to the repair shop.  However, I wanted to play an instrument so bad, I walked over to the display case where all of the really nice flutes for sell were.  I started trying them out and proceeded to fall in love with one in particular, and so I was like screw it, I’ll buy it.  You can never have enough silver flutes I always say.

But I needed to move some money from my savings account.  I asked for them to hold it while I went home to take care of the financial part of it . . . but then I remembered I had no internet and so I decided to (finally) download the bank app for my bank and sign up on my mobile so I could transfer funds there.

It was while I was in the middle of this that the extra feeling started to make itself known to me.  Something in the background of my senses was flagging me down.  I had somehow gone from internet not working to standing in a music store trying to transfer funds for a 2nd flute.  Also I was wondering if this was my version of having a mid-life crisis.  Instead of a Corvette or Porsche, I was going to own a variety of impossibly expensive flutes.

I entered the information in the app to identify myself and the app said, “Uh, sorry but the shit you typed in doesn’t match the shit we have in our system.”  I figured I mistyped something, and so I did it all again . . . my debit card number . . . my pin . . . last 4 of my SSN.  Nope.  So I did it again.  “Not only nope, but now we’ve locked your ass out of the system . . . call this number.”  So I called, and the woman was looking stuff up and then she asked for the last 4 numbers of my debit card.  I gave it and then she said, “Oh . . . that’s what is wrong.”  And then dead awkward silence.

So what happened, is that my account was a part of *something* (she didn’t say what) that could have compromised my account information and so they had sent me a new debit card with a new number.  The *something* happened on April 1st and they sent the card with explanation on April 2nd.  Sooo I can’t do anything online, only in person transactions.

And you know what?  I wasn’t even mad.  I was glad they were on top of their shit and protected me, and also . . . this was the moment that the feeling became clear to me that something was going on that was out of the ordinary . . . I was being led to something specific.  Life had a game plan unfolding and was in the process of herding me towards it.  So I explained it to the people and they were totally happy to hold the flute until my new debit card came and I was ready to continue on my day.

Except the whole “I am a musician” thing.  I was stoked for two days to get to play my flute today and now my one is in the shop and it was suddenly not made possible for me to get a 2nd one.  However . . . a couple of years ago I went through one of my momentary moods of attempting to get back into music and had gone to rent a violin . . . which I paid off completely a year ago shortly after my Raven Kitty girl died.  I’ve had it for 2 years . . . and I have never even pulled it out of the case.

I had wanted to sink my teeth into something I already knew how to do.  Get the taste of it back into my system and *then* attempt to learn a new instrument.  And yet everything had coalesced into a situation in which I was completely set to play a musical instrument . . . and yet my known instrument was suddenly yanked out from under me, leaving me only one choice.

I came home with the recommended books for starting out on violin.  By this point, the feeling of *destiny* was very much in the air and in my veins.  Violin was actually the first instrument I had ever played.  I played for a year in 4th grade but then moved to a place that only had bands and no orchestras . . . and so started my journey with the flute.  But violin . . . oh . . . where do I even begin.  Nothing . . . and I mean nothing speaks to me like a haunting gypsy melody played on the violin.  Or like the part in the song “Devil Goes Down To Georgia” (if you’ve never heard it a) have you been living under a rock your whole life? b) go to youtube and listen to it. now.)

I want to be playing *that* already, not being a new student on an instrument . . . but then again, the universe really has put itself out there to arrange this . . . so . . .

So I read the intro and everything to the Suzuki Method book.  It’s the very same book I used when learning the violin as a little girl.  The intro is surprisingly . . . well . . . meaningful.  Suzuki isn’t messing around.  He goes all meta like I do, “Education begins the day a child is born.  As an infant’s body grows day by day, its powerful life-force absorbs all the stimuli it receives externally, developing in the process of acquiring ability.  Without stimulus to the life-force, there will be no development in the child.  Under conditions of neglect, nothing and no one can grow.”

Holy shit Mr Suzuki-san.  Is this volume 1 of learning violin or the answers to the universe?  I love you crazy violin person.  Actually, this is very indicative of the Japanese culture and something I feel and know (remember) intrinsically in me.  I understand this level of crazy, so I was all in by this point, but still I was touched further when I read this sentence, “The violin is a medium for cultivating human character, ability, and heart.”

In fact, I had to take a moment’s pause to let some heart felt tears make their way out.  The accumulation of all of this was really getting to me.

I can imagine it would be like an amputee suddenly growing their limb back.  Losing the limb . . . going 20+ years coming to peace with it . . . and then it magically starting to grow back.  There’s a mix of disorientation, nostalgia, relief, . . . and . . . a larger understanding of life.

But still . . . I was having a hard time getting myself to pull the violin out of the case.  What is it?  What was stopping me?  I kept reading through the instruction books.  Proper stance, proper way to hold the bow.  How to tune, proper maintenance of the violin.  How to apply rosin . . . the name of the strings.  The instructions in French, German, & Spanish.

Something in me was wondering what the point was.  I’m not that 17 year old girl anymore.  There’s no plans to take the world by storm with my extraordinary musical talents.  There’s no audience waiting for me.  Come Monday morning I’m still going to be getting up to get ready to go to work . . . so what good does this do me?  What’s the point?  How could this make any difference in my life, I mean really?

Then I had a feeling flashback, going back to when I would spend 5 or more hours a day practicing my flute.  It brought solace to me.  In a world gone wrong, it made me feel okay again.  As I strengthened my flute skills, my body and emotions became strengthened and I could withstand the hardships in life much easier.  Being a musician is something that is for me.

So at last I reached a point where I pulled the violin out.  I dusted it off with a soft cloth.  I tightened and rosined the bow.  It was time to start tuning the strings.  I took a deep breath and drew the bow across one of the strings . . . and it rung out deep and strong.  I felt the power of the sound of the violin vibrate through my bow, my hand, and my heart.  In that moment, I understood why the universe had worked so hard to coerce and push me towards this.

There’s listening to a violin on recordings . . . in songs . . . from other people playing it.  I’ve enjoyed the violin immensely in this way.  It is an instrument that touches my soul in a way that nothing else comes close to.

But experiencing the violin as the one holding it and drawing the bow across the string myself was another thing entirely.  It is something I would willingly dedicate the rest of my life to learning.  It’s like it enables a doorway through which my soul is easily able to sing through.  This is something my heart has been searching and longing for . . . an outlet in which it can be fully expressed.  It’s like my heart was trapped in a prison and was banging on the walls, and then the stroke of the bow on a single string made the prison doors fly open and my heart could suddenly breathe the air of freedom.

Who needs an audience when the simple act of playing gives you something as valuable as that?

Today was the start of something new for me.  I went back to the music store and told them that there was no need to hold the 2nd flute for me, I had found what I was actually looking for.  They helped me pick out a few new things for my violin.  I requested to be put on a list to be contacted when they have a new violin teacher for lessons.

Something in me has settled down and is pleased that I’ve finally taken the first steps down this road.  In this I look forward to being a student.  I look forward to the whole journey, from learning how to properly hold the instrument to sassing it up with my devilish gypsy ways.

And yes, come Monday morning, I will get up to get ready for work just as I always do . . . but something new has started to blossom in my heart.  Something that I get to nurture and grow and care for, for the rest of my days.

Violin Awesomness

True To Form Is Our Guiding Star Home

I really needed that temper tantrum.  I needed to feel my fire once again.  Fire is a purifier.  It challenges.  It tests.  Trial by fire.

I then know where and how I’ve gone astray from my Self by what is hurting and burning in me in the aftermath.  It allows me the opportunity to become aware of it and face it, because only what is false will hurt and burn.

It makes it easier for me to see what is True and what’s okay to let go of.  I remember that I have nothing to truly be afraid of because what is Real and True cannot be destroyed or harmed ever.

Beyond this physical realm, beyond what our physical eyes can see, resides the True Form of everything you can see here (and even things that are not here . . . yet).  The more we’re in alignment with it, the more visible and real it becomes to us.  The more out of alignment we are with it, the more distant it becomes.

The longer we go out of alignment with it, the harder it becomes to believe in it’s existence.  It becomes stories passed down through time.  Stuff of myth and legend.  Fairytales.

The less we believe as individuals, the less we start to believe as a whole and the more disconnected and out of balance with nature we become.

All pain, hurt, suffering, diseases, and sickness stems from being out of alignment with our True Forms.

It comes from believing more in what is Not True than in the True Forms.

These True Forms, when struck or expressed, hum out in a single unique vibration.  It is the signature or “name” for that being.  It is how all other beings know it separately from all other beings.

At this level, the energetic signature that it vibrates and hums and expresses in unlimited ways, is not subjective.  It is recognized as it actually is by all, and not skewed by false perceptions.  There is nothing that anyone can say or do that will stop or change the True Forms from being what they are.  Nothing.

Not even our disbelief in them.  All that happens when we stop believing in them, is that we forget them.  (Not the other way around.)  We increase the distance between where we are and where we want to go.  We are all in various degrees of remembering and forgetting these True Forms.

That is where my allegiance is.  That is where I aim my Sagittarius Arrow and shoot towards.

When I become aware of parts of my True Form while in my current life, it is a non-negotiable, non-debatable part of me.  While yes, many people here may have any number of opinions about what they personally think about those parts of me, unless it matches the Truth of my True Form, their opinions and/or feelings are wrong.

Your Truth is universally recognized by all other Truths.  It is not a case of you are in Your Truth, but George over there in His Truth looks over at Your Truth and says, “Nah.”

My loved ones tend to scuba dive in their False Forms.  They can become so disconnected from their True Forms, they forget that their current False Form isn’t who they really are.  They become so filled with fear they close down and cut off or turn away from their connection to their Soul.  When you become anxiety-ridden and afraid, you tense your body immensely and it doesn’t allow the flow of energy from spirit to move through you and to nourish you.

We all do this at some point and to some degree.  But some choose to actively work through it (or healing), and some choose to call it home and live in it their whole life.

When you are closed down like this, you are not in touch with your own true feelings.  It’s not possible.  You have to be open and receptive with warmth and trust in life in order to feel your own true feelings.  You have to do a lot of digging and soul searching with brutal honesty and endless forgiveness of yourself and others as you move through your pain.  There has to be a softness and compassion and understanding for not just yourself but others outside of you as well.  A wider perspective of life and your places in it.

Being emotional, including crying, does not mean that you are in touch with your own true feelings.  Many things are habitual or conditioned learning.  We all carry the burdens and sins of our ancestors with us that we have to break through to get beyond them and reach our own true feelings.  So many things that we think are our feelings, are False Forms.  They are not from our True Forms, and that causes us pain and sorrow in life for as long as we insist on believing them to be True.

Some people mistake their thoughts and opinions as being feelings.  They live in their heads and are completely out of touch with their bodies and believe their own thoughts about feelings to be their actual feelings.  This can often times stem from trauma and trying to flee or escape their bodies and can’t quite get all of the way out through the crown chakra and so they stay in the head area near the doorway so they can flee at a moments notice when things get too real.

However, what happens is that they’re never present (full of fire) within themselves and their physical body doesn’t trust them to be there for it when it needs them and so it goes into a perpetual ‘fight or flight or freeze’ stance and becomes anxiety ridden amongst many other health issues.  If they can learn to not be so scared of life and actually start to allow their presence into the rest of their body, relax and move out of a place of fear, they would find that it’s much, much more comfy and warm and anxiety free.  But my point being, those thoughts about thoughts are not their own true feelings.

Fear is a pretty motivated force.  It can blow things way out of proportion.  It absolutely blinds you and seems to work against you in seeing your own True Form.  It also likes to pretend that it’s not there.  It shows itself in other ways such as always being on guard, being defensive, being too quiet and small and never raising your voice, aggression, illness, laziness, apathy . . . on and on I could go.  I think the most damaging thing about Fear, is how it makes you believe that it is absolutely True.  And that is a Lie.  That is the Great Deception that we have all fallen for.

When you are standing in your True Form it is easier to recognize when others are standing in their True Form and when they’re not.  When you are not standing in your own Truth, it’s much harder to know the difference.

It takes great strength and courage to stand in your Truth by yourself, especially around those you love.  I so easily want to cave in on myself and go along with their Non-Truth just so that I don’t have to be alone, but I always pay a high price for it and it’s not worth it anymore.

So my recent post was to establish for myself that I do get to stay in that place of love.  That I have the strength and will to stand alone in my love for myself and them even if they have forgotten themselves.  I don’t have to listen to their Fear or Falseness or let it influence me.  I don’t even have to let them into my life.  I don’t have to go through life feeling guilty or ashamed for being a terrible daughter or mother when there’s nothing more I can do about it on my end.  In that I get a choice.

 alligator-walking-garden-road-gators-gonna-gate-pics

Saturn in Sagittarius: Bringing Meaning & Inspiration Back Into Our Lives

Serious business Saturn moved into optimistic outlook Sagittarius last week.  I am pleased with this.

Or rather my natal Neptune/Moon in Sagittarius is pleased with this.  They have a trine (natural talents) to my natal Saturn in Leo.  Translated into English: I have natural talent in bringing what many think is unbelievable into this existence and making it a reality.  Magic.  I know magic.  😛

The Neptune/Moon/Sagittarius mix, involves abstract concepts, Higher Truth, dreams, imagination, and the connection to the other side of the veil.  The place where dreams are born.

Saturn is serious, disciplined, and solid.  Natural ruler of Capricorn, it is the respected elder who worked their ass off every step of the way to get where they are.  It provides the sound structure needed in order to make something worthwhile or long lasting.  It rules bones or the skeleton.  Something hard, durable, and stands the test of time.

It is through my hard work and disciplined dedication, that I learn to access my creativity (Saturn in Leo).  That part does *not* come easy to me.  My younger years will (have) been spent on forgoing fun and pleasure in favor of working my ass off to understand and straighten myself out.  When I hit the sweet spot of finding the truth of myself, the trine to my Neptune/Moon (in Sagittarius – higher Truth) lights up and creates a connection between here and the land of imagination, divinity, dreams, or as I like to call it, the golden world.

It is the world of magic and make believe and fairy tales that we forget are real in another plain of existence while we are here and as we grow older (Saturn).

When that connection is made, a couple of things happen for me.  One, that golden energy travels back down the trine to Saturn, and brings it into the “real” world.  Here.  Second, it travels down my opposition to my Sun/Jupiter in Gemini and makes me want to communicate and share it with everyone I know.

Magic and love for you and you and you!

But here’s the shitty part.  For those who have stopped believing in the magic of the golden world, it appears that I am handing out big fat nothings.  I’m all, “Here, have some golden magic!”  And they’re looking at their empty hands and they’re like, “What is this bullshit?”  And then I’m all {sad face}.

However, Saturn being in Sagittarius, it’s like everyone gets a boosted help in reaching that place directly themselves.  If they put in the hard work, of course.  So yes.  I’m pleased as punch about this transit.

It will be there until June of 2015, where it will retrograde back into Scorpio (boooo!) until December 2015 [CORRECTION: Until September 2015], where Saturn will once again enter Sagittarius and stay there for a couple of years (Yay!!)

This transit, in my opinion (which duh, everything out of my mouth is my opinion), is about finding something meaningful and purposeful in our lives, and drawing our bow and aiming our arrow towards bringing it into our lives furreals.

The place this will show up in your life, is where ever Sagittarius is in your natal chart.  And/or Jupiter.  Or Capricorn.  Or Saturn.  I could almost write an Excel formula for that.  =IF (OR(Natal House=”Sagittarius”, Natal House=”Capricorn”, Natal Planet=”Jupiter”, Natal Planet=”Saturn”),”The place they are located”, “Sorry, you fail at Astrology Excel, but thanks for playing.”)

Finding something meaningful or purposeful should make you feel inspired.  It should bring new life into your otherwise gray and dreary existence.  This is some of what Sagittarius has to offer us.  After going through the Underworld of Scorpio and surviving death of all that is not real in our lives, we need a bit of cheer and song and dance.

Expand your mind and your horizons.  Leave the past behind.  Reset your priorities and set your eyes on new heights.  Let.go.  The saying, “The truth shall set you free”?  Sagittarius.

To leave hell or the underworld, you must let go of what is weighing you down.  What weighs you down, is anything that isn’t real.  When Pluto finally cracks that hard noggin of yours and you finally let go of whatever isn’t real (but you’d swear with your life it was), then you get slung shot into Soaring Upwards, Freedom Loving, Inspirational Sagittarius.  “I believe I can fly.” 

Which in itself isn’t necessarily useful if you’re just flying around in the abstract and idealistic ideas of philosophical Sagittarius.  Because unless you have some way of anchoring them into real life, ideas and thoughts are all they’ll ever be.  Sagittarius can feel a lot of frustration when they share their inspiration and ideologies with other, more grounded individuals, when they get the usual reply of, “Well, that’s great in theory, but in the real world . . . ”

The age old war between the “Dreamers” and the “Real World”.

Interestingly, the sign that follows Sagittarius is Capricorn.  First come the philosophies/inspiration, then comes the hard work of bringing them into existence and leaving a legacy.

What Sagittarius could stand to understand, is that when grumpy old man Capricorn comes raining on his parade, that it doesn’t mean give up or let that spark of inspiration die.  It doesn’t mean stop believing in yourself.

I know a thing or two about speaking my heart and getting attacked and buried under a flock of Capricorn naysayers telling me that I’m too idealistic or naïve about the ways of the world.  That one day I would understand better.

And you know what?  I do understand better.

I’ve worked very hard every day of my life to eventually have a good paying job and stable occupation so that I could provide a roof over my family’s head and put food on the table.  I understand that there are certain “rules” that have to be played by in order to make it in the real world.

But do you know what else I understand better?

That the authority figures in my childhood were also wrong.  (Wait, what?  They were human?)  Being anchored and planted squarely in the real world, does not mean that you have to give up being a dreamer and idealist.  It does not mean that you have to sell your soul, or give up who you are, or be miserable in order to survive or make it in the real world.  It does not have to be an either/or choice, it can be an AND.

I’ve learned that it is possible to change the status quo.  That we are only as limited as our beliefs and understandings about the nature of reality.  There is a truth that aligns with divine natural law, that we aim to bring through the veil of the worlds to here on Earth.  When that is achieved, it is referred to as “Heaven on Earth” or the “Golden Age”.

We are obviously not there yet, but I do know one of many ways it can be reached.

Seek out and remember who you really are inside and strive to realign with and be that at all times.  Remember what you knew in your heart when you were a young child, before you were dismissed, invalidated, and convinced otherwise.  You don’t need to convince other people that your beliefs are true.  Be at peace within yourself with what you know to be true.  If you are not able to be at peace, then maybe you should take a harder look at what you are telling yourself is true.  Inner peace is not conditional on others behaving according to your rules, it is conditional on how aligned you are with your own soul.

These are many of the things that my own Sagittarius and Saturn connections have meant for me in my natal chart.  Finding a higher purpose or meaning in life, bringing and anchoring those philosophies into the real world for practical use, working hard to uncover who I am and aligning to my true self, never giving up in believing in myself and what I know to be true in my heart no matter how many times I mess up and fall down, continually letting go of what I think to be true in favor of opening my heart to discover what is really true and the courage to forgive myself when I see what part I played in my own misery.

There is so much potential during this transit.  I’d urge you to take full advantage of it and use it as leverage to make any much needed changes in your life (whichever part of your life you feel inspired to change).  It is simply a window of opportunity that you can choose to use or ignore.  It makes no difference to the universe, as we all get to where we’re going in the end.

kitty can fly

 

Are You Truly Done With Suffering?

There is a Truth.  A Divine Blueprint.

There are any number of ways to tell the story of the Divine Blueprint.

All considered True, as long as they retain the original structure of the Original Blueprint.

The closer it aligns to the Original, the more Pure and Whole it is.  The more it is considered Holy and Sacred.

So yes, there is a single Truth in this existence.  And there are many ways to perceive it.  Many paths to pursue it.

. . .

Anything that strays from the integrity of that Truth, is outside of what is Real.

Anything outside of what is Real, is the source of all of our pain and sorrow.

The closer you align to the Truth, to your own Original Blueprint . . . the one made specifically for you by Source itself . . . the special perspective that you were asked to hold of the One Truth . . .

That is what we know here as “healing”.

. . .

Only what is Real and True will heal you.

Only what is Real and True will fill that hole in you.

. . .

You can believe whatever you want to believe.

But if you’re still sick . . .

Unhappy . . .

In pain . . .

Confused . . .

Scared . . .

Then you are still holding onto a belief within yourself that is not true,

And you are still wounded, out of alignment with your Real Truth.

. . .

The very moment you surrender the belief you hold that is outside of what is Real . . .

You will find immediate relief from your suffering.

Immediate.

shakti_green tara

 

 

Love Out Loud And With All Of Your Heart

So a week ago on Friday I had started to feel like I could maybe use a little break from work.  Nothing major, just a couple of days added on to a weekend.  So I arranged to have the following Thu. & Fri. off.  Was totally looking forward to it.

The following Mon. evening I was holding my girl kitty, Raven.  She had what seemed like a nasty cold earlier this year, but she recovered from it alright.  But lately, she had started to look like it had returned.  And then there was her weight loss.  And a few other things the more I thought about it.  Overall everything else was normal . . . but not quite.

Something told me to make a vet appt. first thing the next morning.  I even found myself telling my boy kitty, Gir, to look after his sister.  I suddenly had this feeling like I wasn’t really sure that she’d make it to morning.  I can be a little dramatic in my head, so this is absolutely normal for me.  I put it down to REALLY needing a vacation.

So I got Raven in Tues. morning, and they checked her over.  The vet said that she had a strange mix of symptoms, and most concerning was the weight loss.  Raven will be 7 this June, so they decided to do a senior blood panel.  They also tested her ear wax (been tugging on her ear) and also x-rays.  Before I left they gave me some ear cream for her ears because they did find something that may have been irritating her.  They said they’d call me with the results for everything else by the next morning, and I said to please leave a voicemail if I didn’t answer because I’m horrible about answering the phone.  Initial look at the x-rays looked pretty good.  So no big worries.

In my optimistic sunshine world, I was able to contribute all of her issues down to her ears and that magically the ear cream was going to make her ALLLL better.  Yes.  That’s how it works, right?  I didn’t think anything of it when I didn’t hear back by that evening.  I had a meeting Wednesday morning, and I managed to work Raven into the conversation . . . which I then realized that I should have heard back by then.  I started checking my phone.  I still wasn’t concerned, but something was bugging me way in the background of my awareness.

No.  Ear cream.  She has the ear cream.  It’s cool.  No news is good news, right?  It’s just her ears, I’m totally blowing it out of proportion.

So I went on with my day.  After work I went to pickup my son from college and we went home.  I was all, “I’m officially on vacation, so let’s stop at Starbucks and get Cake Pops!  I’m gonna let loose!”  So the merriment continued all the way home.  I was totally looking forward to my 2 days off and it leading into a 4 day weekend.

After I got home, I checked my phone and oh! look, a voicemail from the vet.  Cool.  Let’s get this over with so I can continue on with my weekend, I’m sure it’s the whole “everything looks good, nothing seems to be seriously wrong” voicemail.  Hit the “play voicemail” button . . .

And what I heard, is NOT what I was expecting by any means.

” . . . regarding the test results, unfortunately . . . Raven has severe Renal Failure . . . suspected Heart Failure . . . severe Anemia . . . ”

My whole world flipped on it’s head.  It felt like all of time zoomed in on that moment.  Then like someone drove a nail through to the center of my head with the single pointed message of, “Raven is dying.”

I glanced at her laying in her box on the floor.  Something in me gave, and from deep within the sorrow came rising up and out of me.  The ground began to give out from under me, and I came down hard crying.  My son had been in the bathroom and he came running out and grabbed ahold of me to comfort me, as I tried to find the words to repeat the news to him.

I call my son the animal whisperer.  It’s like he was born to communicate with all animals.  They naturally come to him.  He has an incredible soft spot in his heart for all of God’s creatures.  So I knew this was going to greatly affect him.

I finally started to collect myself and say, it’s going to be okay.  That this is a part of the cycle of life, and if it’s her time it’s her time, and it’s going to be okay.  Which Raven decided was the time to come join the party.

I tell you, it’s hard to keep your heart from closing and going numb during times like this.

And as a single parent, you have to keep yourself together in order to take care of things.  So it’s especially easy to ignore your feelings in the name of taking care of business.

After that, I felt a need to connect with other people.  Having done a superb job of isolating myself, reaching out means going to Facebook.  So I started posting status updates as a means to not feel so alone in this heart wrenching situation.  It really does feel less alone when you can post an update and know that others will see or read it.  Even if they don’t respond back . . . there’s still a feeling of community.  That feeling of there being a witness to your life . . . that it’s not being lived in obscurity.

Raven before hospital 4-24-14

Thursday morning before going to the hospital.

So my two days that I had planned the week before, were exactly what I needed because Thursday morning I had to take her to be admitted into the hospital.  Thursday evening I transported her to a 24 hr care hospital, where she stayed until Sunday evening.

Raven at hospital 4-24-14

At the 24hr hospital.

She got to come home last night.  And my poor little angel kitty.  She’s only 7 . . . but she’s behaving like she’s 20.  She’s saved my life so many times in the last 7 years with her love.  She got me through all the hospitalizations of my son.  I’d come home and she’d hop on my lap and place all four paws onto my heart chakra area and purr herself to sleep.

Raven back home 4-27-14

Just returned from the hospital.

I’ve had kidney issues my whole life as well.  Between that and the emotional stress from the last 7 years, is it any wonder that she’s suffering kidney and heart failure?  Our pets help us in so many ways that we are unaware of.  Taking on some of the energetic load of our own suffering onto themselves.  Where else do you find that pure of a love?

She’s at stage 4 renal failure and yes, I can see her little body struggle as she rests next to me.  I love my pets as my children.  I don’t care how ridiculous that seems to some.  It’s a blessing and a gift to feel that kind of love for another living being.

When I visited her at the hospital on Saturday, and it was time for me to go . . . I looked back at her in the room with the IV hooked to her front paw and watching her struggle to stand until I had left, kind of like “See mom, I’m doing okay.” . . . I felt the waves of sorrow that continue to wash over me.  The feeling of “oh god, this can’t be happening . . she can’t be dying . . . not my Raven girl.”

It’s hard.  When I can’t handle it and I feel myself cut off from my feelings, I feel myself get mad and thinking things like, “How long is this going to drag out?  Why won’t she just die so I can start grieving? Now my whole life is going to revolve around trying to care for her as she slowly dies.”  I feel like a monster when I think those things.

But then the swell of sorrow rises up through me again, and I’m a crying puddle on the floor again.  And it feels really good to let them out.  To just open up and let it out.  While I may be dramatic in my head, I rarely let those things escape to the outside of me when others are around.

But then I think . . . this IS dramatic.  This is Life Drama coming to me Live!  If this isn’t a situation where it’s okay for me to feel sorrow dramatically out loud, then when is it?  And the answer is, whenever I feel it that deep and that strong.  That’s when it’s okay.  Letting it out . . . not squeezing it tight into me and crying silent tears.

THIS is life.  THIS is a part of living!

My kitty girl who has been a constant companion to me for the last 7 years is dying.  It hurts goddamn it!  It hurts and it needs to be let out.  I need to feel it.  I need to feel the sadness and sorrow of this big thing that is happening emotionally to me.  REALLY FEEL it.  Let it roar through my whole body, giving it a voice.  Letting it be seen and felt and heard.

It’s what reminds us that we’re alive!  I don’t want to shrink from this experience.  I want to walk whole-heartedly into it.  I will not shrink from life and all it has to offer.  Whether good or bad I will face it with an open and aware heart.  I will make it my JOY to care for her in her remaining days.  She deserves my presences and awareness to her situation.  She deserves my open heart and love and bravery during this time of need in her short life.  She deserves to have someone go through this WITH her instead of by herself by me cutting off from my feelings.

It’s our feelings and love and care for others that open us up to them and keeps them from feeling alone.  If you cut off from your feelings for any reason, you leave the people around you in the cold.  You may think that you’re just being responsible or however you see it . . . but the result is the same . . . it leaves others in the cold.  It separates you from others.  It leaves you feeling alone and it leaves others feeling like you’ve left them, even if you’re physically present.

Take it from me, I’ve done it my whole life.  It’s taken a lot for me to see and understand it for myself.  I know it can hurt to feel . . . but only when you fight it.  When you openly embrace it and welcome it . . . it floods you with healing and warmth and love, as well as removing the feeling of being alone and isolated.  I promise it’s far better to feel your feelings than to cut yourself off from them.  That’s a hell I hope to never revisit.

Love.  Love out loud. Love with all of your heart.  Love without shame.

There Is Great Treasure To Be Found In Ancient Wisdom

I’m feeling a little quiet and worn down today.

But I was just thinking about how science is showing us how basically everything is made up of frequencies and vibrations.  Or sound.  Or . . . the “Word of God”.

And I was thinking about how in Quantum Physics we’ve learned that light switches between waves and particles, based on whether it’s being observed or not.  Or based on whether a person’s attention or awareness or consciousness is interacting with it.

Then I thought of how HUGE the planets are in comparison to us . . . and how each has it’s own frequency/vibration . . . like a fingerprint.  And radiates out that unique frequency/vibration just as an act of existing or being.  It’s at a level that is outside of our conscious awareness, but it’s still happening.

And THEN I thought about just how stupid it is for us to think that those frequencies and vibrations *don’t* effect us at some level.  When two things interact . . . *something* happens, there is a change.  It happens in physics and chemistry.  It happens in music . . . in harmonies, discord, etc.

Everything is just atoms vibrating in various patterns to form solidity . . . or what appears to be solid.

And how everything cycles . . . just like the gears of a watch, to the point that if you observed long enough, you could start seeing a pattern.  When *this* vibration interacts with *that* vibration . . . the results seem to always be of *this* nature.  After thousands of years of compiled observation and knowledge . . . you could have a pretty good idea about the pulse of the nature of things.

This all makes perfect sense to me.

So then I wondered why astrology has been thrown into the pot as being for simpletons or the superstitious.  It seems to me that it’s a type of science like any other, based on extensive observation and trial and error in order to try and understand the world in which we live.  Science came about in an attempt to better understand spirituality, or the nature of the world in which we live . . . not replace it.

Astrology takes a wide variety of skills and disciplines in order to use it effectively.  It’s not for someone who doesn’t use their brain.  It’s not for someone who doesn’t use their heart.  It’s not for someone who doesn’t have a love and passion for it, because it takes immense dedication and a lot of patience before your effort starts to pay off.  You pretty much have to become obsessed with it in order to really start understanding and gaining the reward of what information is *really* being handed down.

But the perception of astrology in this day and age, is almost solely based on people reading their weekly sun sign horoscope in their newspaper.  An immense wealth of wisdom, being judged on something so completely superficial and trivial.  Which basically sums up our modern society.  It’s so tragic, it’s almost hilarious.

Did you know at one point it used to be considered irresponsible for a doctor to try and treat a patient without using astrology.  And from what I’ve come to understand about it, I actually agree.  At least the use of the understanding that comes with *why* the human body becomes afflicted like it does and how it can be connected to a mixture of incoming vibrational influences, as well as conscious will and the choices we make for ourselves.

The ancient knowledge that we are so quick to dismiss and close ourselves off to, holds treasure troves of information that we’ve forgotten about ourselves and the nature of the universe.  Perhaps our ancestors didn’t understand the mechanics or wisdom behind why it worked like it did, but that doesn’t make it any less true or any less valuable.

funny-baby-drawing-walls-bed

Inspirational Sh*t

Have you ever become so inspired by something that you suddenly had to go poop?

So the other morning I was slogging through my morning ritual, and checked my email and saw that a new song on an album I had pre-ordered was now available.  Yay!

I went to check it out immediately because I’m often inspired by this artist, and I don’t know if it was the timing or what . . . but from the first beat in the song I felt something light up in me and felt myself come to life.

My ass was up and dancing before the song was even half way done.  My soul was like fuck yeah!  I was almost crying it made me feel so good.

And then I suddenly had to poop.

So that’s why I asked.

Here’s the song that literally inspired the shit out of me:

Burning Gold by Christina Perri

I understand this is TMI and crossing boundaries . . . what can I say?

Jennifer Roark . . . crossing boundaries since 1977

When I’m uninspired and moping along in life feeling small . . . guess what . . . I have problem with the process of elimination.  I always have.  I had to be taken to the doctor for it when I was younger.

It’s a very literal form of blockage for what’s going on with me emotionally.

I long ago figured out that for me, whenever I’m full of it . . . what I’m in need of is inspiration.

This connection is actually in my natal chart with my Neptune/Moon conjunction with the moon in the 8th house.  The process of waste elimination is ruled by 8th house/Scorpio/Pluto.  Interestingly . . . those areas also represent intimacy, trust, other people’s resources, mysteries, secrets.

Those areas fall under the “everybody does it, but nobody talks about it” category.  Neptune is “no boundaries”.  Moon is our comfort zone.  I’m comfortable with talking about things that everybody does, but nobody talks about.

Everybody poos.

Nobody talks about it . . . unless you’re my coworker’s two young daughters.  They won’t stop talking about it.  They make me laugh.  A lot.

The connection between all of this, is that issues related to the things of Pluto/Scorpio/8th house (and there’s a million ways and varieties this can show up in a person’s chart) . . . it can lead to difficulties with elimination (or complete lack of being able to hold it in).  People don’t necessarily connect the two together . . . but they are related.

The more you know {and rainbow}

My lucky combination, is that my Neptune/Moon is in Sagittarius.  Sag is a fire sign and so is inspirational.  It’s also about wide open spaces, traveling the world (omg am I itching to travel!), loving life, higher knowledge truth, prophecy . . . it’s just a huge barrel of fun and seeing the bigger picture about what life is really about.

When I’m connected into that part of my chart, my views and perceptions open up.  I surrender and let go.  I go into a state of being and loving and living.  My body immediately responds in a positive manner and things start functioning in a healthier manner . . . beginning with . . . well you know.

{Poop}

{Giggle}

So yeah.

You’re welcome.

mama cat

Here’s To Loving Life And Existence

Yesterday as I sat at a stoplight while running errands, it got into me that it was time for one of my adventures.  It happens a couple times a year.  I suddenly need to drive with no destination in mind.  So when the light turned green . . . I went straight instead of turning left.

At the next light, I wanted to both go straight and take a right.  This sudden breaking free from my routine had introduced a new thought and feeling into me.  I started thinking about a quote that’s been making the rounds online, something about the ones who don’t actually know anything are the ones with confidence and the ones who do . . . don’t have any confidence.

The exact wording wasn’t important because it was coming in more as a feeling/knowing/understanding for me.  I’ve had so little confidence in what I feel and believe . . . and why?  There are millions of people acting confidently based on half assed thoughts  . . . and look at how well that’s working out for everyone.  So why not?  Why not let myself be confident in mine too?

This was making me feel better.  I was feeling stronger in my base and core.

Why not?  Sure my feelings and beliefs might be weird and out of the normal.  They may not make sense to a good majority of people . . . but so what?

I was in the lane to go straight . . . but then the light for the right turn lane had turned green.  I checked the mirrors for any traffic . . . it was clear . . . so I hit the blinker to turn and the gas.  I even did a mini skid squeal with my tires all fast and furious-like.

The road I took takes you around a large lake.  It is some of the most gorgeous road I’ve ever driven.  I could feel my spirit spread out for miles.

My thoughts kept coming back to the confidence thing.  If the “wrong” people are the ones with confidence . . . then what is stopping the “right” people from having confidence?

I feel it’s mostly to do with the ones with confidence, have it because it fits the old paradigm.  They have centuries and the masses on their side in belief.  That’s a lot of conscious energy keeping it in place.  It’s no longer about whether it’s actually the right thing . . . only that it’s how it’s done.  There’s a lot of energy and momentum already invested in those ways . . . so it’s much easier to go along with the flow.

Whereas, if you feel differently about any of it, you are trying to swim upstream.  You have to gain an insane amount of strength, courage, and confidence in what you feel and believe in order to not only hold onto those feelings and thoughts, but also to start introducing or speaking them out loud.  So they start out as whispers.

You’ll have plenty of opposition.  You won’t really have any supporters.  You have to risk looking insane . . . being alone.  Possibly harmed.  People in general don’t like change to the status quo.  In short, you have to expend a tremendous amount of energy, the risks are high, and the return may be zill.  That’s why the ones who could really help during this time lack confidence in themselves and what they feel and believe inside.

I was blessed with an insane amount of this kind of energy (Aries).  So as I was flying down the highway (at a safe speed), with my window down and wind blowing in my hair . . . I kept asking myself why not start believing in my feelings and beliefs.  What do I have to lose?  The only thing I stand to lose, really . . . is my fear.

Whether I’m one of the ones that should or shouldn’t have confidence, just doesn’t seem to matter to me anymore.  Maybe I am one of *those* people who shouldn’t be so confident . . . but what does it matter anymore?  Who cares?  The world is falling apart at the seams anyways . . . what would it hurt to take this opportunity to believe in myself again?

If I’m in the wrong in my beliefs and feelings . . . then let me do it all of the way . . . let me do it confidently.

{watch out for incoming teddy bears, rainbows, and bunnies!}

I eventually came back to the intersection where I wanted to go two different directions . . . and took the other direction I had wanted to go.  Who says you can’t have your cake and eat it too?  (I don’t even understand that cliché . . . who has cake and DOESN’T eat it?)

I was singing my little heart out.  It had started out as a cloudy day, but during the drive the clouds had cleared and the sun started to shine through.  It felt like I was in the middle of a musical.  I was saying hello to a rushing river and to all of the swaying trees.  It was soothing to my heart and soul.

At the end of my little road trip, as I parked my car to finish my errands, I looked up in the sky and saw a huge black bird with its wings spread wide and floating on the currents.  I couldn’t figure out what kind of bird it was.  It was huge like an Eagle, but didn’t have the markings of one.  It was SO incredibly black all over.  It didn’t look like any bird I had ever seen, but it was so B E A U T I F U L and graceful.  I was completely mesmerized by it.

I heard myself saying, “I don’t know what you are, but it doesn’t matter . . . I don’t need to know what you are to know that you’re beautiful.”

In that wide open moment, something struck me about what I had said and then I started to giggle . . . both at myself and at life.  I spend so much energy in wanting to know who I am . . . what my “name” is, but as I was staring at something so beautiful and breathtaking in that moment, the last thing I cared about was the creature’s name.  I was just so happy and grateful to be witnessing it’s existence and way of being.

Sometimes new things come into existence and don’t have a name yet.  Maybe there are things that don’t need a name . . . maybe their name is their existence . . . their presence.  Maybe a name or identity would diminish their worth.  Maybe you can only know them by experiencing them.

Sometimes life surprises us.

Okay . . . and maybe a little music:

Don’t Let Go by Lea Michele

Mine Is The Soul Of Joy

As I approached a stoplight, I felt the lifeless and gray world I viewed before me fall away.  I felt the inevitability of the droning routines that I go through every morning fade from my world understanding.

{Accompanying soundtrack for post, Transcendence by Lindsey Stirling}

I felt the music that was playing in my car.  Instead of something that was playing outside of me . . . it was now alive and moving through me.

I felt something in me come alive.

I wanted to move . . . I wanted to dance.  So I did.

There were cars pulling up next to me.  I did not stop my dance.

There were people on the crosswalk.  I did not stop my joy.

There wasn’t a self conscious hair on my body.

In my ecstatic and surrendered sitting-in-the-driver’s-seat car dance . . . I felt my reason and purpose for living.

With that simple realization, that was nothing but a feeling with no words . . .

I felt the golden glow in my Heart, spread outward into the world around me.

I felt the warm glow connection to every person in my environment.

I felt in them . . . all of them, in their many varied ways . . . the wish to move and dance as well.

And I felt this “why?” . . . . “why are we so still and serious about everything?  why is it not accepted to feel and express genuine joy and happiness?  why is it considered proper to be still and motionless?” . . . “why?

I felt a response from within me pulse out from my Heart . . . “There is no reason.  There’s absolutely no reason at all, except our belief that we can’t or shouldn’t.”

I continued my unapologetic and heartfelt dance, the joy flowing through me intensifying as I gave into it.

I wanted nothing more in that moment, than to give to everyone the instant ability to be comfortable in being free to express uninhibited joy in their everyday life.

Whether you’re standing on the corner of the street waiting for the light to change . . . or drinking your morning coffee on your commute.  That no matter where you are or what you’re doing . . . it can be full of life and joy.

I wanted to boldly dance my dance with my whole heart in front of everyone, and let the Golden Heart Energy spread out around me, giving life back to all of the soul-weary life travelers in my community.

Something in me yearns with the intensity of a thousand suns, to open up all that I am and share that Life within me freely with one and all.

This passion within me.  This passion and love.  This uninhibited joy.  It doesn’t want to be held under anymore.

Day Two Of Not Giving A Damn . . . No Mercy

Day two of not giving a damn . . . and I feel GREAT!

They should bottle this shit up and market it.

Here’s the soundtrack for today’s post courtesy of Lea Michele, Cannonball:

If you’re in a stick in the mud kind of mood and don’t want to listen to it, the gist of the song is about getting broken down and wondering if you aren’t losing your mind and then a moment comes when you’re just like . . . fuck it.  I’m getting out and going to start living my mother fluffin life.  And then fly gracefully like a cannonball.

O.o  Sounds like my kind of grace.  “I’m a swan!” . . . “No you’re not, you’re a big hunk of round metal.” or whatever cannonballs are made out of.

This staying in my own emotions is so  f r e e i n g!!  So much chatter and clutter and worry in my head has vanished.  It’s just . . . *p o o f* magically gone.

I just want to keep hugging myself saying, “Ohhhhhhhhhhh yooooouuuuuuu!  I LOVE you so much!  You’re so snuggly and warm and adorable like some sort of kitten teddy bear hybrid!”  I feel like I’ve just been reunited with my long lost best friend.

Gemini.  We’re our own best friend.

There’s been speculation that I possibly had a twin in the womb.  I even had a dream which led me to a spontaneous *memory* of having been in the womb and my twin dying and leaving me alone in there and all of the resulting trauma of absorbing said twin.  (Horrifying doesn’t even begin to describe it.)

So who knows?  Maybe I really am my own . . . uh . . . twin.

Anyways, it feels good to be coming back up from the abyss.  That place is the pits!  Am I right? {nodding head, looking around for validation}

On my walk this morning, I actually started to mouth the words to the song I was listening to without realizing it.  Do you know what that means?  I wasn’t feeling self conscious out in public!  That is OUTSTANDING!!!

I’m not thinking about what other people are thinking or wondering about me at all!  I just feel good in myself and it’s starting to just shine outward instead of other’s influences pushing inward into me.

It feels so great to allow myself to get to feel whatever it is I’m feeling without needing a reason.

It’s leading to spontaneous singing like a song bird, and busting into dance moves while standing in line at Starbucks.  And the smiling!  OMG!  Smiling is taking over my face!  My face is like “WHAT IS GOING ON?!  It hurts!”

I just feel happy and excited about whatever I’m doing.  My whole world is beginning to open back up.  The sun is coming back out.  Laughter and light is returning to my life.

Who knew?  Who knew it was as simple as that?  Letting other’s be responsible for their own feelings, and only being responsible for mine.  Obviously this is my own secret sauce mix, and isn’t the answer for everyone (or maybe even anyone) else.  But the simplicity of the switch and the bigness of the effect is blowing my mind.

Okay.  So that’s all for now.  I’m off to continue my being W o W e d by the world!

No mercy bunny