The Darkness in Me Understands the Darkness in You

In the spiritual community people are fond of saying, “Namaste”, which roughly translates to “the Divine in me, sees and honors, the Divine in you”.  Which is cool really, when you think about it.  But something about it irks me every time someone uses it.

It feels like there is an emphasize on only acknowledging the Light in us.  Only focus on, acknowledge, and honor the parts of us that are already in the Light.  I don’t feel that was the original intention of the word, but it’s what it feels like when it’s used now.

I don’t know if it works for other people, but pretending like I don’t have Darkness in me, doesn’t make it go away.  Avoiding it and being scared of it. . . also doesn’t do anyone any good.

When a person is scared of something or a situation, the tendency is to become less present in the moment.  The very moment that we need ourselves the most, is when we check out conscious-wise.  When we do that, we are leaving parts of ourselves in the dark. . . alone and scared.

It’s *those* parts of us that most want to be seen and brought into the Light.

What’s the Namaste word equivalent for, “The Dark in me, sees and understands, the Dark in you”?

We’ve painted all Dark as being Evil.  That is a very limited way of viewing existence.  Darkness also has purpose and meaning in the cosmos.

And while we’re in that limited way of seeing things, we are unable to admit and accept the parts of us that ARE Dark . . . leaving us always feeling incomplete, misunderstood, unseen, alone, unloved, unaccepted. . .

It’s the repression of these things that are not accepted, that results in the horrors we see unfolding in the news.

Horrible things happen when there isn’t a safe space for people to get to openly talk about and to get to understand better, the parts of them that are unacceptable in society.  And a safe space cannot be provided, when everyone is terrified of their own shadow.

It is a direct cause and affect.  If we as individuals, and as a whole, insist on pretending that these things don’t exist in all of us. . . and are unable to openly address them in a grown up, loving, humble, nonjudgmental way. . . then the horrors you see on TV will continue.  The “villians” are merely scapegoats for the things we cannot accept in ourselves as individuals and as a group.

If you make sex something to be ashamed of, not just in words but in action. . . then those who feel sexual needs a lot, will not feel okay in trying to openly understand their sexuality better.  A part of them, no matter what they try to tell themselves, will feel ashamed of feeling sexual.

Because of the shame, embarrassment, unacceptance of this part of them. . . they may try to pretend they don’t feel it at all. (Some go in the opposite direction and drown themselves in it.) They may try to get control of it.  They may even completely forget that they ever felt it, in order to hide from it.  Years later, it may start coming back out as anger. . . usually against the very thing they are suppressing.  Why?  Because it’s a part of themselves that they have exiled, and have been unable to accept or love themselves.  And that usually stems from some form of it not being accepted by others around them or in society at large.

This is why forcing or controlling things, ultimately does not work.  What you are trying to prevent, initially *seems* to disappear. . . but it’s actually only gone deep underneath.  Later it may erupt as a mass killing, or as a bombing.  And then we get to use the culprits as scapegoats.  They get to represent and be punished for our refusal to acknowledge the Darkness in Ourselves.

Most people never reach that degree, but instead lead mediocre. . . scared. . . never quite satisfying lives. . . true happiness is always just out of reach.

Isn’t it peculiar that ever since the whole “only think positive” movement has started. . . that things have gone to hell in a hand basket?

It *has* helped people get out of the negative thinking routine.  It has served a purpose. . . like a stair step on the way up.

You know you are being completely honest with yourself in a situation, when you have a realization about yourself that completely humbles you.  When you see how it has been you all along that has been getting in your own way.  There may be good reasons for why you do what you do. . . it may BE because someone else hurt you or did something bad to you. . . but in order to heal, that becomes irrelevant.  It does.not.matter.  Because it is up to you to move through it.

The person who hurt you. . . had not moved through their own hurt that someone else inflicted on them. . . and that’s how you came to be hurt. . . and while in that hurt, you unintentionally hurt others. . . and that’s how the cycle continues. (And from that perspective, makes it not so personal anymore.)

If you wish for it to stop, then it needs to start with you.

The Darkness in me, Sees and Understands, the Darkness in you.

We’re All On This Road Together

This morning I was feeling like my writing has been *off* for me lately.  I used to feel a lot more openness and excitement when writing.  It used to flow more freely and feel fun.  It used to feel really satisfying when I hit the publish button.  But, it hasn’t felt that way lately, and I want to know why.

When asking my journal that same question this morning, I received a surprising answer.  (Such a clever journal I have.)  I wrote:

I think I try too hard.  I think maybe I’m trying to prove something?  Trying to impress?  I think I have been.  I think I’ve been feeling so incompetent in life lately, that I’ve been trying to make up for it with my blog posts.  Like, “See – I’m actually pretty smart and I know things and stuff. . . “

If I’m really being honest with myself. . . I think this may be the truth.

I *do* have a lot of information. . . but I walk through life feeling like I don’t know anything, or that everyone around me knows better than I do.  I’m not consciously aware that I’m feeling this, but it plays out in various ways in my responses and reactions to others.

I wrote yesterday, about how I felt something shifting and changing in me. . . and I do.  But it’s also resulting in a tug of war inside of me, bringing up the very things that have prevented me from being all Gemini social butterfly in the past.  I’m not feeling concerned that maybe I’m regressing, so much as understanding and coming to peace with both parts of me. . . the recluse and the social butterfly.  I don’t kill one in favor of the other and declare victory. . . I integrate and become both fully.

There are many reasons I secluded myself, and all are valid.  Some reasons are from hurt, and some are from need.  Some of the hurt that comes from being around other people, is that I tend to feel like an idiot.  The reasons and whys of it are irrelevant at this point, it’s enough for me to just say that I feel that way.

Feeling like an idiot does nothing for a person’s self confidence.  It prevents me from speaking what I feel and know.  It tightens my throat and my stomach. . . my ability to speak and my own personal power.  So there are all these things that want to come out, but I don’t feel confident enough in myself to own it and speak it around others, or to actually do something with it.  I just keep leading a mediocre life, doing only a fraction of what I know I’m capable of, and feeling like a failure everywhere I go because of it.

Being able to write and publish any words at all online, has been a herculean task for me.  It’s been my way of trying to learn how to speak and live out loud. . . outside of myself.  A way to build strength and confidence, so that I can learn how to say what’s inside of me without tapping out.  Jay even had a dream about it not too long ago, that was very revealing to me.  I was an apple on a table, with a lot of knowledge. . . but I was too scared.  I even fainted.  A fainting apple pretty much sums me up.

But in the meantime, while I’ve worked on become braver. . . I have continued to feel very incompetent in the other areas of my life, and I think I’ve come to lean on my blog posts as a place where I can try and feel like I’m somebody.  That the feeling of lack in the other areas of my life don’t really feel that way as long as I’m writing posts.

That has affected the quality and enjoyment of my writing.  No matter how much I’ve consciously tried to keep as *real* as possible when I’m writing, if I’m not admitting even to myself how I’m feeling in the rest of my life, it’s going to seep into this area as well.  Instead of just feeling and writing for the pure joy of it, I am subconsciously trying to prove myself.  I’m trying to make myself be seen as I wish others in life would see me. . . and that’s not being real at all.

It is so easy to fool ourselves, when we don’t wish to see the truth.

I don’t want my writing to be sabotaged because I’m focusing on how others will see me, possibly judge me, based on what I write.  That goes for writing outrageously (to try and push others away. . . a kind of “I don’t care what others think” mentality) to writing safely (trying to take into account everyone’s feelings and being various levels of politically correct. . . even as I hate on the whole concept of being PC).

My best writings have happened when I came from a place of not having a message in mind.  When I wasn’t trying to be anyone or say anything in particular at all.

To add a whole new layer of honest, it’s been when I didn’t hold myself separate from everyone else.  When I let it be okay for me to be “average”, or “normal”, or just like everyone else.  I was joking with Jay the other morning that I have an inferiority complex. . . but I think that maybe I really do.  I have felt so insignificant, so unimportant in the big scheme of things. . . that I hold myself apart from others because it hurts too much to admit that maybe I’m the same as everyone else

I think a part of me does think I’m better than everyone else. Or *wants* to believe that.  I’m not always feeling this, but it is a part of my shadow side that I need to bring to light so I can give it great big bear hugs.

Otherwise, how can I truly connect with others?  I can’t do that if I’m holding myself higher or separate from them.

And it’s really, really not fair to others.  I don’t want to make people feel like they are less than me, just because I feel like I’m less than nothing. . . in my attempt to try to prove to them that I’m something.

Especially when the basis for it isn’t even true.  Or rather, the perspective is all off.  If you lived your whole life in a room with only the brightest minds of the universe. . . you’d feel pretty average and insignificant based on not knowing the even bigger picture.

What I wrote in my post yesterday, about wanting to have connections with people again, and wanting to be in others lives and vice versa, is coming from a place of just being and feeling like one of the “peeps” here on Earth, and it feels really, really fantastic.

So, I think maybe I’ll come down to Earth, and let it be okay to be human for a bit.

It doesn’t mean that I’m not going to be outrageous, or ridiculous, or change moods (or my mind) in the blink of an eye. . . but it does mean that I’ll get to be those things *with* others, and they get to be those things with me too.

We're all on this road together.

Greatest.Mother’s Day.Gift.Ever.

I’m currently in the middle of a heart swelling, this is what makes it all worth it, moment.  My son, who will be 18 this year, has just totally blown my mind.  He has had a rough last couple of weeks, stuff just blowing up around him with his friends and his girlfriend.  But watching how he has been dealing with it, has been nothing less than beautiful.  That’s not to mean that he didn’t have emotional blow ups with them, or that he hasn’t gone through a good case of the grumps.  But the overall process and grace of how he has consciously chosen to deal with it. . . is breathtaking to behold.

He didn’t harden up, he didn’t shut himself down, he didn’t close his mind and his heart even though that would have been much more preferable than dealing with the extremely uncomfortable feelings all of this was having on him.  I’m sure he had moments where he *did* do those things. . . but one of the amazing things is that he didn’t stay in those places.

He took a very real, honest look at the situations that were happening around him, including his part in them.  He humbled himself.  I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a teenage boy genuinely humble himself, but it’s nothing less than shocking and heart swelling.

Yesterday, being Mother’s Day, he was making a huge attempt to be thoughtful of me.  I loved his effort.  This, on top of what he has been dealing with in his own life personally.  So during a conversation, he kind of snapped back at me – and in a way that made me raise an eyebrow, shut up, and decide that I needed a few moments to calm down before I attempted to communicate anything else.

Normally, this is where he shuts down and goes into his room.  But, he was summoning strength from somewhere deep in himself to not respond in this way.  After a few moments he said he was sorry and then started explaining the incredibly mature insights he had started to see and understand from some self reflection in regards to his recent experiences.

He recognized that he had trouble communicating with others, and how not communicating with people is what makes him feel isolated and alone in things.  “Apparently, communicating is important.”  : D  He said that he is consciously trying to communicate out to others what he is experiencing, but that it’s really tough for him because he has difficulty communicating and it can be misunderstood.  I told him that if the person he was talking to, was worth anything, just by him being open and expressing that he’s in the process of learning how to communicate more effectively, that more than likely they’ll have patience and hold the space for him to do so.   He was also aware that he may start to forget this valuable lesson, but that life always has a way of bringing it back around to remind you, and that he will be patient with himself in this process.

I’m paraphrasing what was said, and the conversation went much deeper, and was just something else to behold.  When did my boy go and grow up on me?

This morning as I was driving to school, he was keeping true to his commitment to keep communicating and not shut people out.  He kept his ipod off, and he continued saying the things on his mind, and allowing me to do the same.  Learning how to listen, and to communicate.  Wow.  I had so much mommy love welling up in me, that I hardly knew what to do with myself.

And just when I thought he couldn’t surprise me anymore than he already had, he said something that really hit home for me.  He said that he had been trying to think of what to do for Mother’s Day, and wasn’t really coming up with anything. . . so he decided that the best thing he knew to do, was to become a better Bjorn.

O.O

Oh my god.  It all hit me at once, his genuineness, his humbling experience, his seeing to the center and truth of where many of his problems stem from and then consciously choosing a new way… a brave way… and acting on it… was his Mother’s Day gift to me.

What in the hell did I do to deserve such an amazing, mind blowing, loving, thoughtful, kind son? (Insert insane bawling here)  I am so grateful, and so appreciative for what I received.  I told him, that it was the most thoughtful Mother’s Day gift in all of humanity.  (I know that doesn’t necessarily make sense, but it’s what came out.)

The maturity, the grace, the love, the courage & bravery, thoughtfulness, wisdom, and just outright beauty of the gift that he gave me is beyond words and feelings.  If ever anyone exemplified what it meant to show who they really are inside, it was in this gift that my son gave to me.

Thank you, my dear son, for the best present you could have ever given me.  I couldn’t be prouder of you and what you’re doing for yourself and in turn for everyone else in your life.  I am proud and honored to be your mom.