Signs of Me Reappearing

I burst out of bed today wanting to write a blog post.  It’s been a long time since I’ve had that feeling and it feels like such a relief.  A relief because writing is an integral part of who I am and so if I’m not wanting to write, then I most likely am not doing too terrific, you know?  Not that I’m likely to admit that I’m not doing well, but it seems okay to retroactively admit to it.

Wanting to write, however, doesn’t necessarily mean that I have a topic in mind.  I’m out of practice of forming topics in my head that would work in a blog post, so I’m free-styling it here.  There are so many ideas and topics to choose from.  Do I write about personal feelings I’m going through?  Politics? (I hear a collective roar of “No!” coming from the ethers.)  The weather?  Astrology? What it’s like being married to a Dutch man and living in another country?  My 2 cats and their endless antics?  The chaos and madness engulfing the planet?  Spiders and how they’re misunderstood?

Really, I’m just wanting to write something from my heart.  (Did I just hear someone rolling their eyes at me?)  Which may seem like that would mean writing something sappy and emotional, but then you don’t know my heart.  There is something of a court jester in there.  Mischievousness written all over it.

I’ve been pretty serious (and MIA) the last couple of years, and understandably if you know all that’s gone on.  But I’ve recently been seeing signs of recovery and healing taking place in me.  Like learning how to laugh again.  Being able to think of my son without pain crashing in on me.  Remembering myself when I was whole and becoming that again.

Some things take time, like healing.  Which I have no patience for.  I mean, I’ve learned to try to be patient with it, but the whole time I’m pretty much looking at my (non-existent) watch and tapping my foot.  I want to be fine now.  You know, live in the moment, the only moment is now.  So I’m like, okay, I’m healed NOW.  (Looking around to see if it worked.)

The crazy thing, is that I know that that could actually work, but it would require that I felt and believed that to be true all of the way down to my bones.  Which I don’t, because I’ve been here long enough to have accumulated enough examples from experience that have shown me otherwise in which I use that ‘evidence’ to allow doubt into the process, slowing it down.  My healing process involves slowing down enough to understand what my doubts and fears are, and then seeing them with new eyes.  Are they really true?  Like big picture, let’s be straight with ourselves, true?  I then ease my way into the new perspective until *pop*, there I am with more room to breathe inside myself.

For example, I’ve had many experiences with individuals who have aimed their own personal fears and projections onto me, so much so that over time I came to feel and believe that I was not loved or liked.  When that is your environment’s response to you day in and day out, you can start to become confused about what is true or not true about you.  Was I doing anything I was doing for the reasons that those other people in my life thought I was?  No.  Did they bother to ask me or find out?  No.  Did they continue to declare their ideas and reasons for my behavior with the fervor of a southern baptist preacher to me and all who would listen?  Yes.

In that kind of environment, I’m not getting any feedback from the outer world that I am loved or of any value.  I do not get to have a say or voice in that situation.  Me and my side of the story have been effectively silenced.  The truth of me gets lost because I’m the only one who knows it and who is trying to keep it alive in myself while others treat me as if their own story or other’s of me is true.  This is not loving or supportive behavior.

By the way, this isn’t about judging or blaming them, or me being a victim.  My only interest lies in understanding what happened so that I can free myself from it.  I’m observing and taking notes of what I’ve been able to piece together so that I can understand where my own pain stems from so that I can help myself.  It just happens to involve other people and so it’s hard to omit them from the story.

So as I was saying, over time I came to feel and believe that I was not loved or wanted in the world by others because that’s what was reflected to me.  Saying that and how that feels are actually two different things.  How it feels in day to day life is like I’m a constant disappointment.  That no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I overcome, I will still not be liked or loved or seen or valued.  It feels like I have nothing to offer the world.  It feels like I have no place here.  Like I’ve come to a party that I wasn’t invited to.  Like nothing I do matters or makes a difference.  That there is no point to me or my existence.

Which leads me back to my healing process and this example.  What’s the truth of that pain in me, big picture, let’s be honest?  “I am not loved or liked.”  Is that really true?  Well, I mean, the hurt part of me wants to say yes, yes that is true.  It’s so sad. (blubbering madly into my handful of Kleenex)  But is it actually true?  Okay, it’s true in that those people that treated me that way were not coming from a loving place.  But does that really have anything to do with me?  Or is that more to do with the state of torture they are living with inside of themselves?

It isn’t really me that they are seeing.  So if it isn’t the truth of me that they are seeing, then my belief of not being loved or liked is back on the table for negotiation.  Also, I think I may need to find some people who are not lost in the sauce in their own pain.  Which is what I did and is when I started to get validation that my hypothesis (that maybe it *is* them and not me) might have some merit.  Getting some distance between me and those blind to anyone but themselves, and then seeing the contrast of how it feels to be around people who can see past themselves, was the difference of night and day.

But it is a weakness in me.  When things become challenging in my life, I have to really watch this part of myself.  It’s something that is too easy for me to believe.  I have had to learn and relearn over and over, what it feels like to be loved.  I don’t mean in my thoughts, I mean in my whole body.  Because being loved is something that is felt from the top of your head down to your toenails.  It warms, relaxes, and calms you.  It is a full state of being, not a mental construct.  It is something experienced within your being.

I feel like there is a general consensus that if you are a good person then you are a loving person.  We lean too much on looking like a good person regardless of how we feel inside.  We don’t want to be unloving or bad people.  But I’ve personally met a lot of good people who were not loving and a lot of bad people who were in fact loving.  Understanding the difference is critical for me to make better choices about who I let into my inner circle, and doing this is important for my healing.

Along with this I’ve had to learn about all kinds of other things such as boundaries and what my rights are as a person.  That I don’t have to be walked all over.  I can use words like “no” and “I don’t want to”.  I’ve even had to learn how to feel my own feelings again versus what I had been told my feelings were.  And that just because everyone else is going along with something, doesn’t mean it’s right, and in those situations I will stick with my feeling even if it means standing alone.  Listening to myself even when no one else will.  <– And that, was the beginning of me building self trust.

I began to provide and give to myself what others had not been able to.  I started to listen and trust myself more, even if it seemed to make my life harder.  The more I did this, the more I stayed true to that voice deep inside my core, the stronger I began to feel.  The stronger I felt, the clearer my life became.  The more aware I became of what was and was not okay in my life.  Which led to me making changes.  Ultimately walking away from everything I had once known.  I became more focused on what was actually good for me instead of wondering what others might think of my actions.  They were going to think whatever they wanted to anyways, but the difference being, I stopped trying to control that by limiting my own actions.

Allowing for that, made room for me to focus more on what I personally felt about myself.  Did I think I was evil manifested?  Does it matter?  If I was, then really, what could I do about it?  And way to paint the world white and black, as if it’s really that simple.  Way to dehumanize me and invalidate me as a complex person with many different faucets of my personality.  No, I don’t feel that I am evil incarnated.  So what does that mean?  Well . . . it probably means that I can start lightening up a little, ya know?  Be a little gentler and kinder to myself then I had been treated by others.

Which lead me to finding love within myself again.  And when you’re not cowered or hunkered down in trembling fear, it opens up your world again and memories begin to return.  Things like the memory of the truth of yourself.  It begins a spiraling up in self instead of spiraling down.  Feelings like relief of being able to let go of all of the dumb dumb things about yourself that you had come to believe, watching as they break and fall away from you.  It is simply liberating.

By the way, I’m like smooshing years of processing and trial and error into one post.  It may sound like I figured it out in a matter of hours, but I assure you this has been a monumental undertaking in my life.  In the moments that I’ve hit the sweet spot of balanced and healed in myself, there comes the realization that I could have gone into that place immediately if I hadn’t got hung up or identified too much with what was wrong or out of balance in me.  That if I were to fully believe in the real me inside, that it would have brought me straight there to that place of wholeness, which suits me and my patience levels just fine.

The problem is, when I’m not in that space, I forget.  I can’t remember how or why that is true.  So I go the longer healing route and then remember again.  I get knocked out of there and then walk there again, but then I begin to see that I’ve left myself bread crumbs to show me the way back.  Again and again I’ve walked this path, hoping to wear a groove into the road to make it easier to find.  Because I know one day, I’m going to go there, and I’m not going to come back.

Anyways, I was walking that road again the last couple of years, marking it even more fiercely than the last time I was there.  Like, m*therf@cker, I am NOT going through this again, you WILL remember this and not forget again!  (She said to herself oh so compassionately.)  I hate seeing the same tree trunk that I passed years ago.

So yeah.  Yay! for the ‘wanting to write a blog post’ marker I reached this morning.  I don’t remember what comes after this, but I do know that it’s the road I’m wanting to be on.  🙂

Everyone Has a Secret Sauce Healing Recipe

I do a lot of thinking in regards to what it means to get back into balance, to heal, to become whole once more.  It’s a different and unique pathway for each individual.  I see it as a sort of secret sauce combination of things that, ultimately, the individual has to navigate through and discover for themselves.  There is no one sure-fire way, but a mosaic of things that we find or pick up along the way via trial and error.

I see it as every soul *pings* out a unique vibration that is an energetic signature.  That it comes from deep within, from our core.  During the course of our life, it gets challenged, opposed, tested.  We we run, lose, make a mistake . . . that *ping* inside us gets a little quieter, a little harder to hear.  When we face things, win, try again . . . that *ping* inside us gets a little louder and easier to hear.

But while each person’s signature is unique, it is made up of the same ingredients as everyone else, just each of the ingredients in different quantities.  That is the ways in which we are able to relate to each other.  My cinnamon sugar is able to relate to your cinnamon sugar, and so that is a way for us to connect.  However, I may have a gallon of it while you only have a teaspoon of it and the amount I have is way too much for your liking.

But me having a gallon of cinnamon sugar is perfect for my recipe.  (I’m making myself hungry.  I will be looking at recipes after this.)  But it’s possible that I may try to reject a great deal of my cinnamon sugar in order to stay in the good graces of someone with only a teaspoon of cinnamon sugar.  Doing that will cause me to stray from my center, from being whole.

After a few decades of doing this, even in little ways here and there, we can get ourselves into a tangled mess of trying to live out some mutilated and distorted recipe version of ourselves.  That’s how simply and easily it happens.  So healing, to me, is about finding your way back to your original recipe.

So in my example, at some point and in some form, I’m going to have to remember that I tried to make my gallon of cinnamon sugar into a teaspoon and I’m going to have to add all of that cinnamon sugar back into my recipe before I am going to feel okay in that particular part of myself again.

How I go about doing that also depends on my personal recipe, and understanding for myself, what works for me.  Is it through reading?  Workshops?  Meditating?  How do I discover which ingredients in me are messed up and how do I understand whether I need to add more or have less?  Do I need more or less anger?  Do I need to be more active or do I need to lessen my schedule?  Do I need to maybe lessen my schedule at work and increase my schedule at home?

If you imagined that there were about a thousand ingredients, you can see just how personal and unique the healing process is for each individual.  Which is where I start pulling my hair out because there is an innate healer inside of me who wishes to help people along this path, but how?  How do I universally address something so personal and varied?

As much as I’d like to, I’m not able to hand everyone their personal secret sauce combination, that’s something that you have to figure out for yourself.  However I can share with you something that I do think would help everyone on their way, and that is by taking the time to truly understand yourself.

Do you like gingerbread houses because you *really* like gingerbread houses, or do you like them because your older sibling liked them?  (Seriously, what is with all of the food analogies?)  Do you love fish, but never eat it because your family never did growing up?

Those are very superficial things, but hopefully you get the gist of what I’m saying.  It’s easy to start too.  Think of something that has been weighing on you lately, stressing, worrying you.  Now, ask questions of it.  What assumptions are you making about it that maybe aren’t true?  What is the situation to you?  What are your options?  Are you really stuck?  If there’s truly nothing you can do about it (e.g. IRS is auditing you, you have to work), then what is in the way from you coming to peace with it.

Or.  If there’s nothing pressing, but you’re just feeling blah, try doing a personality test, astrology chart reading, or something that will get you to start challenging what you think you know about yourself and give it some real thought, not just autopilot answers.  Figure out what isn’t working for you and bring it into question.

Of course, the assumption here is that you’re in touch with your feelings.  If you aren’t in touch with your feelings (meaning not fully in your body, your consciousness hovers around your head, aka you *think* you’re feeling- but really you’re just thinking *about* feelings- which isn’t the same thing), then there is probably going to be a bit of a struggle to really connect to anything that you strongly relate to or identify with.

That’s a whole different blog post and if that is the case (and I think it’s more common than people realize), then definitely do some searches/research on that specifically because learning how to reconnect to your feelings (whether stemming from trauma, diseases/illness, etc.) is a straight up game changer.  I’m talking from personal experience.  Single most important thing I ever did for myself was to learn how to cry again.

But back to what I was talking about here, there’s one more thing I’d like to address in regards to this and that’s about the misnomer regarding selfishness.  I know a great deal of people who are givers and who quite frankly are not being selfish enough.  And then there are those who are completely self-absorbed in a very damaging way (e.g. narcissism) who accuse those givers of being selfish when they don’t do what they want them to.  Leading the givers to give even more than they already do and round and round it goes.

It’s something that I struggle with in myself mightily.  But time and time again, I’ve found it to be absolutely true, that if I don’t put in the time to fix and heal myself first then I’m absolutely no use to anyone else.  So if you’re a person who has a hard time doing or spending any time on something to do with you specifically, then you especially need to be doing this.

I’m telling you, getting to know and form a healthy relationship with yourself is one of the best things you could do for yourself and your loved ones.

Now . . . where’s a good chocolate pudding pie recipe?

cup_of_cat

The Super Fun Path of Breaking and Healing

Just to give some context for this writing, it was one of those situations where I woke up with the thoughts and feelings of it already in progress. Typically I keep a great many of these things to myself (because who wants to hear all of the chatter going through my head at any given moment?), but this was coming through so strong and much clearer than my thoughts have been of late, that I felt compelled to write it down and to share it.

While it did come out all at once, I would like to add that I have spent a great deal of time in testing on myself the effects of my thoughts, feelings, and beliefs with how it manifests in my physical body and health.  I can see very clearly from those personal experiences how the accumulation of my thoughts, feelings, and beliefs directly affect the body regardless of where all of those things stem from (personal, family, society, paranormal).

And no, you don’t have control over what others think, feel, and believe (nor should you) and it’s unrealistic to say that we’re never influenced by anything outside of ourselves . . . but it’s good to know that you have control over what you do and do not allow into yourself (via thoughts, feelings, beliefs) and you also have control over which of those things you choose to nurture, feed, and grow with the life and energy you’ve been given for this life of yours.

Not that it is easy to gain control of those things in you . . . but it’s been very helpful in my journey to learn that it is even an option.

So the below writing is, I suppose, a condensed form summary that’s resulted from some of what I’ve been learning from these observations within myself.

Also, I’d like to add that the language and vocabulary that gets used anytime I *download* like this, is that of the subconscious trying to put symbols into words.  In the past I’ve tried to translate it more into normal language (and maybe make it less intense) and I think I’ve been successful to some degree, but it’s too exhausting and ultimately it inhibits and muddles the flow and clarity of the information.  So now I’m trying to learn how to just get out of my own way and let it come out however it wants to. 🙂

. . .

Excessive (subconscious to a large degree) worry, mixed with inaction (too much idleness) and/or loneliness, so not pushing the life force down through the center core and using the life force to do things and bring into life the things a person wants or desires in life, it then retreats upward towards the head (because of fear, worry, what-ifs), leaves a disconnect between the head and lower chakras (making it feel impossible to *do* anything because without the life force pushing through the core down through all of the chakras, especially the root chakra, a person cannot feel safe or secure or confident enough to take action and instead freezes in fear) AND . . . all of that active energy in the head (mental energy of worry and concern) causes swelling because of Aries/Mars heat, or inflammation.  The inflammation of any of the mucous membrane cuts off the ability to see with spiritual eyes.  Things become foggy and confusing, unclear.

It’s important to not be too idle or too busy for any length of time.  Any excess of one creates an excess of the other in order to rebalance.  You want to do enough to keep your life force moving all the way through you, but not so much that you can’t stop or relax or stay sensitive to what is going on around you, which means staying *open* to receiving outside stimuli without fear of being hurt or overwhelmed (not so much resistance or a need to stop, change, or control the things around you in an attempt to lower the amount of stimulus around you).

Which is easier to do when you have faith in something bigger than yourself (e.g. God, divinity) and can relax into life more knowing that you don’t have to think of how to do every little detail on your own, but just to be open and aware enough to allow divinity to show you what detail does need to be taken care of next and in the moment based on what feels good to you and that you are naturally drawn to (provided you don’t fight it or resist it based on prejudice, ego opinion, conditioning, etc.)

But again, if the tissues in the head are swollen, then you are cut off from that guidance and it’s next to impossible to know what you should be doing.  In that case you can become cut off from life and stray further and further from your path.  To return, you have to work hard just in getting back in balance with yourself, which requires walking that direction completely blind because in that state you are not able to receive validation or confirmation from spirit that yes you are going in the right direction or no you are straying further.  The only thing you have for guidance at that point is your physical body because it reflects your state based on choices you’ve made, but it’s a delayed response because it vibrates slower than spirit, so you can’t always connect the choices you’ve made to the effects it causes in your body.

Also, questioning what you think or believe at the most fundamental level because it affects the body’s health and alignment to divinity.  As soon as you move or push beyond a limited belief, that part of your body that is pinched or blocked will start to find relief.  It means paying attention to what your body is sensing in the moment. If you start to feel worse all of a sudden, connect to whatever the thought was as that was happening, that is your clue pointing to a mistaken belief or thought you are carrying that is limiting you.  The trick is to not get lost in the opposite extreme, but to see rather that they are both sides of the same coin and to overcome it you must transcend it by letting both sides go while also accepting them (allowing them to both exist simultaneously).  This is how you reconcile duality within yourself and find your way back home.

I Will Always Be Okay

I haven’t been myself for awhile now.  I find myself and break surface, treading water, gulping in fresh air.  Then promptly get yanked back under.  A lifetime struggle of trying to swim towards the surface sparkling with warm sunshine, while wrestling with ten ton weights on my feet.

Always I find that the weight weighing me down are lies . . . smokescreens . . . illusions that I’ve convinced myself are true.  And also always, I find that I believe them because for whatever reason, I have been unable to accept the Truth.

I have found for myself that healing . . . true healing . . . is a tricky beast.  On the verge of finding great joy and peace, I have literal nightmares during the night where I find myself face to face with my worst fears.

But when I’ve had enough . . . when I’m done being afraid . . . truly, truly done . . . worn down and exhausted from the fight . . . something other than fear rises up in me.

I stop running from it.  I stop rejecting it.  I stop trying to change or control it.  I instead accept it . . . embrace it . . . I allow it to be a possible truth or reality in my world and I allow myself to be okay in the same space.  It being true, does not have to mean that I cannot find peace and happiness.  Both can coexist in the same world.

Because the Truth is, I will always be okay.  In the end, I will always be okay.

Are You Truly Done With Suffering?

There is a Truth.  A Divine Blueprint.

There are any number of ways to tell the story of the Divine Blueprint.

All considered True, as long as they retain the original structure of the Original Blueprint.

The closer it aligns to the Original, the more Pure and Whole it is.  The more it is considered Holy and Sacred.

So yes, there is a single Truth in this existence.  And there are many ways to perceive it.  Many paths to pursue it.

. . .

Anything that strays from the integrity of that Truth, is outside of what is Real.

Anything outside of what is Real, is the source of all of our pain and sorrow.

The closer you align to the Truth, to your own Original Blueprint . . . the one made specifically for you by Source itself . . . the special perspective that you were asked to hold of the One Truth . . .

That is what we know here as “healing”.

. . .

Only what is Real and True will heal you.

Only what is Real and True will fill that hole in you.

. . .

You can believe whatever you want to believe.

But if you’re still sick . . .

Unhappy . . .

In pain . . .

Confused . . .

Scared . . .

Then you are still holding onto a belief within yourself that is not true,

And you are still wounded, out of alignment with your Real Truth.

. . .

The very moment you surrender the belief you hold that is outside of what is Real . . .

You will find immediate relief from your suffering.

Immediate.

shakti_green tara

 

 

Pity Party Is Over, Everyone Out Of The Pool!

Confidence.  Confidence.  Confidence.

It feels good to have.

I’ve been swimming the seas of over-passiveness and by this point my inner aggressor is drunk on margaritas and face down in the pool, “Wooooot” ing into the water along with a feeble attempt at fist pumping the air.

It’s time somebody sobered up that SOB and let her know that the pity party is OVER.  Everyone out of the pool!  Put your drinks down and get your ass up and get dressed.  We’re going to town.

Having been in that place with no to little willpower, low self confidence, lack of motivation and passion for a little while has been instrumental in helping me understand what I’m up against.

For one, I understand better that when I go all BraveHeart on people and they just look at me and go . . . “eh.”  That it really isn’t personal!  They currently aren’t *able* to feel what I’m saying.  That totally helps me understand the Pluto in Libra on my descendant.  It’s Libra, an air sign . . . intellect.  It’s Pluto, a water sign . . . emotion.  I run into powerful people who intellectualize their emotions instead of actually feeling them.  Not only that but I also have Uranus in the 7th house . . . an air sign, in Scorpio . . . a water sign.

Well OMG that explains a lot.  Those poor jerks aren’t actually feeling the things I feel . . . no WONDER they aren’t able to support me or understand what I’m going on about.  I hand my power over because I thought they knew better.  They can talk about the same things that I do, and so it *sounds* to me like they understand what I understand . . . but they don’t actually experience and feel the things I do.  I believed more in their intellectualized version of what I’m talking about, than I believed in my own actual experience of what I’m talking about.  Every time I’ve done that, I’ve lost my own self confidence and power.

I’ve gone from being able to feel those things, to NOT being able to experience those things (and now on my way back).  When I’m not able to feel or experience those things, and others try to give me pep talks or rouse me up, I’m just not able to experience a reaction in my body at all like that mechanism doesn’t exist.  It feels like you’re dead inside except that you’re suffering in endless anxiety and pain.  {shiver}  It’s a place of being SO passive, that nothing is able to rouse you or get you going.  You just suppress EVERYTHING that might make you respond in a way that is anything less than perfect.  Ugh!  Yuck!  No!

You can keep it . . . you can have your self righteous, perfect model of a citizen, repressed, dead of feelings, superiority complex, isolated, alone, and misunderstood life if that’s what you want.  If that’s your idea of a “win”, then knock yourself out.

{Spitting the rest of the taste of bitterness and death out of my mouth}  So gross.

That’s not the life I know and love.  Mine is fun, warm, full of life, and varying degrees of awesome.  You can come join me in mine, but I’m no longer going to go join you in yours.  That place is literally.hell.

That is a miserable, miserable place.  I feel like I need to take endless thousand degree showers to wash off the cold and ick from being there.  It is SO AWFUL.  It’s just endless torment and gray skies and aloneness.  It’s endless competition for who hurts the most so that the other wounded have to suck it up and help the most hurt.  It’s an endless cycle.

Everyone there thinks they ARE their hurt.  You can’t heal or let go of your hurt if you think that’s who you are.  Otherwise every time you try to open and let go of it, you lose yourself (or who you think you are).  So you are perpetually wounded forever!

I have Chiron (deepest wound) in my 1st house of Self.  If ANYONE in the zodiac is going to feel forever wounded inside (if that were a thing), it would be the person with Chiron in their 1st house.  But guess what?!  I am able to heal mine.  The memory of it doesn’t go away, but the pain does.  That pain and ache DOES heal.  It CAN be healed.

It may be in my 1st house, but it is NOT who I am.  Chiron is actually that thing in us that we were so good at . . . SO EXCELLENT at, but one day when we had reached our most awesomeness in that thing . . . something happened . . . and we fell.  When you’re up that high . . . you are going to fall and it’s going to hurt.  The thing that you did best, becomes your deepest wound.  So you become haunted with this memory of having been able to do *that* thing . . . but alas . . . you’ll never be that again.  So it hurts . . . it stings.

To heal that wound, you have to work to become that thing again.  Will you ever be the same as before the fall?  No!  And you don’t want to be!  That’s why you fell!  Arrogance!  You got too big for your britches (and I’m mostly talking to me) and thought you were all that and a bag of chips . . . and then something came along and knocked you off your high horse . . . and the humiliation and even the idea that you could be knocked down or defeated . . . is such a wound to your pride.

When you start to heal from that wound, you start to gain back the things that went missing in you because of the initial wound happening.  But this time it’s tempered with wisdom.  You now have an understanding that you aren’t infallible.  You aren’t going to be that same prick that you were the last time you were at that level . . . and if you do start to fall back into it . . . your wound will be poked and you’ll start to fall again.  So in that respect, no the wound never leaves you.  However, it serves a huge purpose by keeping you honest and on your path.  It helps keep you from making the same mistakes.  If you feel your wound getting touched . . . you better check yourself . . . because you’re falling back into old habits.

But what Chiron’s wound *doesn’t* mean, is that you are doomed to feel that hurt for your whole life.  No.  Just, no.  That’s incorrect.

My wound being in Taurus in my 1st house conjunct all my awesome Aries Venus/Mars and Taurus Mercury, is my ability to speak up for myself.  My confidence in myself.  My ability to defend myself.  It’s in my fear of being left alone when I do speak up.  It’s in not being supported by others when I speak my truth and what I feel and experience in my body to be true.  It’s about how I HAVE to speak and live those truths or I become ill and start to die inside.

It heals when I stop looking outside of myself for validation.  It heals when I find the courage to stand alone in what I feel and know to be true inside me . . . even if everyone walks away from me.  It heals when I do this, but ALSO stay open and receptive to others.  It heals whenever someone tries to convince me that how I feel is wrong or incorrect, and I stand in myself and say, “No.  For me this is true.  And it’s no less valid than how you feel.  I get to feel this and I get to let this be my reality and not feel bad about it.”

And when it heals . . . I feel such love and peace in me.  I drop all pretenses and defenses . . . and I’m okay with how everything is.  It’s all fine just the way it is and I wouldn’t change any of it for the world.

I go in and out of that.  So sometimes you get a Jenn that’s all open and sunshine and sometimes you walk into a Jenn that has all the doors slammed close and is freaking out inside.

I will get back to that place of peace.  And I will learn how to stay there always so that you’ll always encounter the open and sunshiney Jenn.  I hope to someday gain that wisdom to stay there.

Because confidence feels good.  It feels like you are on top of the world and like NOBODY can bring you down.  And it is hard to NOT become arrogant in that space.  I start getting a swagger in me.  I start walking down the sidewalk like I’m on a perpetual catwalk.  Me.ow.  Yep, I’m on fire and I’m about to take this whole place down to its knees.  Until a second later where my wound gets poinked and then I’m in internal freakout mode and start to shut down.  Then I just look like a quivering rabbit trying to dart out of sight of the eagle coming down to get me.

But it feels even BETTER to be in that space, and to be open and humble.  It feels a million times better.  I feel more trusting of life.  I feel more trusting that I’ll use the power I gain from my confidence in a positive way.  That I’ll use it to make the world I live in a better place.  As long as I’m in that space of being, I won’t feel any of the pain of my wound.  But if I stray even one iota . . . down I’ll go.

This is what my confidence and power feel like inside of me with no apologies:

Watch Out World, Cuz Here I Come!

Omg, I’ve started to realize something new that is changing in me that I just had to share (said every Gemini ever).

I wasn’t really recognizing the feeling at first, because it’s been nearly a decade since I’ve felt anything like it.  I’m kind of excited about it!  : D

This last decade has been, more or less, spent in seclusion going through every nook and cranny (is that still a phrase being used?) of my inner self and bringing it to light.  I’ve been observing, understanding, trying out new things, testing hypothesis, changing, throwing out what is no longer useful to me, learning new ways, etc.

I’ve done my lion’s share of floor crying, woe is me, WTF?!, hating, falling apart, coming back together just in time to fall back apart.  I’ve lost lots of friends.  I’ve gained some too, but overall I’ve been locked away in a place that felt like it was my new permanent home.  Anyone that knew me when I was younger in school, wouldn’t have recognized the Jenn I’ve been the last ten years. . . and I feel like anyone who has known me in the last ten years. . . is going to wonder what’s happening with me.  So I’m going to be preemptive.  : )

{This is so exciting!}

I want to rejoin the world!  O.O

I know, right?  : D

And what I mean by that, is I feel a really strong feeling coming back into me where I feel better when I’m connecting with people and being out and about. . . than being at home.  This is HUGE for me!

I am WANTING to connect with others.  I WANT to make friends.  I WANT to build memories with lots of other people and be all, “Do you remember that time we. . . ”

I want to be a part of other people’s lives, and I want others to be a part of mine.

I cannot tell you how good it feels. . . for all of *this* to feel good.  I have been so sick of being cutoff and closed away, but I just wasn’t able to be any other way.  But now. . . NOW. . . it’s changing!!  I am feeling so much relief start to come into me, like “Finally, it’s about damn time!”

When I was first realizing all of this, and I heard all of the ways I was describing what I was feeling come into me, I realized that I was totally describing my Sun/Jupiter Sign –> Gemini.  I’m finally getting to become my Sun(shine).

In astrology, you grow *into* your Sun sign as you get older.  You may show signs of it when you’re younger, but it’s a raw version and quite often the shadow side of that sign.  But as you grow and mature, you grow into a glowy version of it.  Your Sun sign is how you shine.

Here’s why I’m so damn excited.  Try and keep up with me here: Saturn (restrictor, teacher, life lessons) in my natal chart is in Leo (Self Creativity, loves the spotlight, warm-hearted), which is ruled by the Sun.  Leo is the epitome of a person shining their light.  With Saturn in the sign of the sun in my chart (and 5th house. . . which is ruled by the Sun & Leo. . . so double whammy for me), it means that until I master my Saturn. . . my Sun, or way of shining, is going to be restricted.

It looks a lot like the last ten years of my life.  A Gemini with very few friends and who has a hard time being out with people, and would rather die than be the center of attention.

One more aspect that’s played a part in this, is that I have Pluto conjunct my descendant.  Translation: Others scare the shit out of me.  They intimidate me.  I don’t just hand my power over to people, I throw them the whole basket and run in the opposite direction.  I close up, stop breathing, and nearly pass out.  This is super sad for an Aries Rising person. (The rising sign or ascendant is the exact opposite side of the descendant.  Rising/Ascendant = Self, Descendant = Other)  Aries is the warrior, leader. . . the person who gets things done, and goes into things head first.  Watching an Aries Rising quiver, hide, or run is just about the saddest thing you will ever see.

So this is why I’m so damn excited about this definite shift I’m feeling in me: In order for me to truly be feeling the want and need to reconnect into the world and life. . . I must truly. . . and finally. . . be healing.  My dedication and hard work (Saturn) is finally starting to pay off.

Also, I am finally learning how to own my power, even when I’m around other people.  I’m starting to not be afraid anymore.  I’m starting to trust that I’ll be able to handle whatever comes my way.  I’m starting to trust myself to be able to speak and stand up for myself when someone tries to cross my boundaries. . . and not in an asshole kind of way if it can be helped.  But I’m not afraid to go there if I must (Astrologer’s note: Pluto is in Libra . . . and my North Node is also in Libra/7th house.  Oh. . . and Venus/Mars is in Aries.  A delight, I can assure you).

I know that I’ve been working on “healing” for a good portion of my life. . . but there’s a point when you start to wonder if this healing thing is some myth.  Is it actually something that really happens, or do you just learn to live with it and push it aside and tell yourself you are as healed as you’re ever going to get?

But, both last night and this morning when I got up, and I tested out the feeling. . . my eyes grew bigger and bigger with excitement. . . because I’m feeling an ACTUAL shift/change happening in me.  When I used to think about connecting with people and making friends, I felt anxiety, cut off, cold, fearful, weak. . . I couldn’t handle it.  But this morning, I tried on the feeling, “How would it feel if I were to. . . start hanging out with people and chit chat about this and that” . . . and I felt myself become less stressed (yes.  I said LESS stressed. . . how fucking cool is that?!?!) and I felt more opening in me and a warmth and excitement. . . and like, “Yeah, that sounds great! That sounds and feels exactly like what I want to do!”

This is a day, that I never thought I’d see.  This is a real life manifestation of a person.actually.healing!  This is like a frafillion levels of awesome!  Just the idea that it really does and can happen, is kinda blowing my mind.

Of course, this means that I have to change how I approach life.  I’ll have to let myself be open to the opportunities that present themselves.  I’ll have to let go of how I used to respond, and not resist the urge to respond in my new. . . more natural way.  But the cool part that really helps all of that, is that I WANT to do and be that.  It feels really, really good to finally WANT to do it.

{Big Satisfying Sigh}

So, I guess what I’m saying is . . . “Watch out world, cuz here I come!”