Hello?

Loneliness is a strange thing in my mind.  It’s not always obvious to me when I’m experiencing it.  It’s not always obvious to me when I’m trying to hide from it.  It’s not always obvious to me whether it is me that is lonely because of cutting off from everyone else, or whether everyone else is cut off from me.

As I speak, where Venus (What we love) is currently located in the sky (Taurus 3 degrees) is the same degree that my natal Chiron (Wounded Healer or Deepest Wound) is located.  Even when a planet as lovely as Venus comes near something that owie in our chart, it is going to hurt.  I don’t relish when any contact is made with this degree on my chart . . . but I also learned not to run from it.  At least with Venus, it helps soften it enough for me to summon my courage to keep my eyes open as I look at it, even as I’m saying “owie owie owie owie owie” through my tears.

Because I do want to see it.  Even if it’s gross and gory with broken bones poking out of the skin, and makes me wanna throw up.  How else can I take action to make it better if I don’t know what I’m dealing with?  Either way it’s going to hurt, but at least this way I have a chance of some day being free of it.

While in most cases I don’t have any problems going where angels fear to tread, Chiron is one area of my life that I pretty much have to be tricked into facing.  “Oh look Jenn, what’s that over there?  Is that cake?  That’s definitely cake.  You should go check it out.”  Otherwise it’s a whole bunch of nope.

Nope Finger

 This is in my 1st house of self, so it’s like a linchpin anchored into the core of my psyche.  It’s also conjunct (right next to) my natal Mars & Venus which are very personal planets.  Well, and them both being in Aries, you can’t get anymore personal than that.  So inevitably, to get to my personal Self, I have to navigate the ninja land mind that is Chiron within me.

Chiron in mythology was an immortal and revered centaur who was a great healer and founded the ‘school of heroes’ in which many greats were trained.  One day he was accidentally shot with a poisoned arrow (one of Hercules) and despite his extraordinary healing abilities, was unable to heal the wound.  He was in incredible pain, but because he was immortal he was unable to die.  He had to learn how to come to peace with it.

One day he comes across Prometheus who is going through his own miserable existence from having stolen fire from the gods and was being punished by being chained to a rock and every day having his liver eaten by an Eagle and every night growing a new liver.  (I have to hand it to the gods for coming up with some pretty gnarly and yet creative punishments.)

Because of Chiron’s own personal experience of dealing with an agonizing situation of his own, he felt compassion for Prometheus’s situation.  He couldn’t heal himself, but he could help Prometheus and in doing so . . . he *did* help his own pain.  Chiron offered to give up his immortality to Prometheus which would free him.  Prometheus became immortal and broke free from the rock he was chained to, and Chiron dropped dead.  It was a win/win.

Actually, Chiron was given a place in heaven as a constellation for his great sacrifice and is now all sparkly and magical.

I have to tell you though, I’m less than thrilled about this being in my first house of Self.  It’s not in my house of Other where I come across others that are wounded in life.  It’s not in my house of Humanity or large groups of people that were wronged in history.  It’s not this thing that I encounter outside of me where I can see it and look at it objectively and figure out how to help from the comfort of my own skin.  It is this *thing* that has always been present with me since birth.  And I can’t be who I really am unless I walk smack straight into this pain and just stand my ground within, until I am strong enough to be able to bear it without passing out.

It’s like trying to get emotionally strong enough to be capable of performing open heart surgery on yourself.  You obviously have to stay conscious and fully present the whole time along with great discipline and endurance to stomach some raw gory shit.

There’s a point where you have endured so much pain for so long with no let up or relief, that something else starts to take you over.  Something that transcends normal everyday existence.  It’s too much to hold onto and live with, and so your choices become to either die or to let go of things that really do not matter.

I think it’s also important to understand that this pain I live with, I was born with.  My mom said I suffered night terrors from birth.  I remember having dreams that were so real and lucid that I was traumatized by them over and over.  One dream I remember when I was six, was of being a girl of about the same age in a house that was on fire and the smoke and flames were getting into my room.  I was trying to get out but the doors and walls were too hot.  I was trapped and forced to my bed where I started to lose consciousness from not being able to breathe.

I became fully lucid during that dream which felt as real as real life, but I could also feel my current six year old body thrashing on my real bed and me screaming at myself to please wake up and even scratching at my eyes trying to force them open so that I could end the nightmare.

I have never really been able to talk about this ever present pain in me.  There are no words for what I experience inside.  I wish I could.  I want to.  Not for sympathy . . . not for pity.  Not for attention.  It’s this burning need to try and reach anyone else out there that is going through this same pain and have lost their own voices to express this indescribable *thing* that they live with every day and who nobody ever truly hears and who are never allowed to truly speak and who feel alone in life because of it . . . to say that I understand your pain and that you are not alone.

There is one thing that living with this pain does not do, and that is procure a desire to compete with other people about who hurts or suffers more.  My need, my desire to be heard is not one born out of selfishness and need for attention.  It is not to get my way or to excuse my behavior.

You know how sometimes a person will yell out when they’ve cut or hurt themselves unexpectedly before they get control of themselves?  That is the same need in me that pushes me to find a way to express it.  I don’t talk about my stuff to whine, never moving on with my life, I am driven to find words to say it, to share it.  And something about sharing it, heals something in me.  When it reaches someone who knows this same pain, it has the ability to help heal something in them too.

In fact, if I go too long not actively working on this and doing this, the pain becomes crippling in me to the point that I can barely function and then I have to start all over again to get back to the same point I was at before.  Just like Chiron where he was in pain but couldn’t heal it for good, but he also couldn’t die.  I have no choice but to deal with it in the manner that it needs to be dealt with.

If I had to put a name to what it is that pains me right here and right now, I would say that it is the same as the night terrors I had when I was a child where I am conscious and lucid both in the sleep state and in the awake state.

I am aware of my soul Awake state at the same time that I am aware of my sleep human state and my soul Awake state is thrashing around trying to wake up from this night terror that we are all living in and think is real.  It’s not.  This is exactly like a bad dream.  You have to shake yourself awake, it’s time to wake up!

Please remember who you really are.  Please remember your soul and who you were before you were born here and lost all of your memories.  Please shake off the amnesia.  Please become present and come more fully into your body.  Please drop all of the petty and trivial shit now and remember yourselves!

I don’t want to be alone in this anymore.  I need for you guys to start showing up.  Where are you?  Are you out there?  Anybody?

 

Tending To The Home Fire

I often find myself searching through websites and articles online, looking for something.  Listening to new song after new song.  Hoping the melody, words, or something sparks back memories of feelings that have gone missing.  Trying to remember what I’ve forgotten.  What I’ve hidden away in an effort to protect those tender parts of me.

I can’t stand any of the numbness in me anymore.

My hope is that others who still remember those things in themselves that I’ve forgotten, have found the strength and courage to share those things open-heartedly.

I know immediately when I’ve come across one of those pieces, whether it’s a single sentence, idea, or a haunting melody.  I feel an immediate relief in my tightened stomach and a very short, but cathartic cry.  Intense, humbling gratefulness.  The whole of my awareness pulses out Thank You.

It’s how we keep the Divine Fire alive here.

You’ve been hurt . . . you’ve forgotten a part of yourself.  It will be okay, I still remember this piece.  Let me soul sing it back to you until you remember again for yourself.

Whenever I’m walking my path through the dark, I can feel in very still moments, the heart songs of those in the Light.  Letting me know that they are holding the memories of who I really am in safekeeping, so that I won’t be lost forever.  That I am not forgotten.

I’ve been going through a lot internally as of late.  I became scared because everywhere I turned, I saw that people had gone into the dark.  I recognize the look in their eyes.  I recognize the look of being lost.  Of trying to pretend like everything’s okay.  Of not wanting to admit where they are.

I’m used to being the only one going through the dark, and nobody else understanding where I am.  I finally find and claw my way out, and then everyone else goes in?  Why am I always standing by myself no matter where I go?

I had to become very still and quiet in myself so that I could hear my heart again.

The thing about having spent my life in the dark, is that I’m not so scared there anymore.  No matter where I go, whether anxiety, rage, paranoia, terror, or even full out insanity . . . I consciously know where I am.  I know how to go in and out of those places.  I understand them intimately.

This helped me further open my eyes and see what’s taking place in my life and the opportunity it holds for my growth.

My feeling of being alone comes from shielding or protecting my heart.  I was feeling like I would have to do that while everyone else is in the dark so that they don’t pull me back into the dark with them.  People in the dark act very similar to drowning victims by nearly taking out the person trying to help them, in their panic to be helped.

But I know the dark for what it really is.  I know that I have no reason to be afraid while I’m in it.  But I’m usually alone in those feelings.  Listening to the other divas in the dark, they’d have me believe that I really should be afraid.  If I believe their intense fear over my heart, then the lights go out for me too.

This has happened to me so many times, that I’ve even come to know that place.  I’ve brought in an interior decorator to fix the place up because it’s been my home for so long, I figured I might as well make it comfy.

I know I’m not here by accident.  I wasn’t put in the dark to be punished.  In fact, knowing me, I most likely enthusiastically volunteered because I’m crazy like that.

So what if . . . instead of standing on the sidelines where it’s safe and yelling obscene inspirational quotes into the darkness . . . what if I was one of the ones who made the choice to go wholly into the darkness?  Go in and learn everything about it until I saw it for what it really was, ultimately losing my fear of it.

What happens when we lose our fear?  Our hearts open.

What happens when our hearts open?  The Light comes in.

What cannot survive the Light?  The Dark.

I can do that.  If it means not being alone anymore.  If it means giving others a spark of hope in the dark.  Then I can do that.

Dancy Quan

Are You Truly Done With Suffering?

There is a Truth.  A Divine Blueprint.

There are any number of ways to tell the story of the Divine Blueprint.

All considered True, as long as they retain the original structure of the Original Blueprint.

The closer it aligns to the Original, the more Pure and Whole it is.  The more it is considered Holy and Sacred.

So yes, there is a single Truth in this existence.  And there are many ways to perceive it.  Many paths to pursue it.

. . .

Anything that strays from the integrity of that Truth, is outside of what is Real.

Anything outside of what is Real, is the source of all of our pain and sorrow.

The closer you align to the Truth, to your own Original Blueprint . . . the one made specifically for you by Source itself . . . the special perspective that you were asked to hold of the One Truth . . .

That is what we know here as “healing”.

. . .

Only what is Real and True will heal you.

Only what is Real and True will fill that hole in you.

. . .

You can believe whatever you want to believe.

But if you’re still sick . . .

Unhappy . . .

In pain . . .

Confused . . .

Scared . . .

Then you are still holding onto a belief within yourself that is not true,

And you are still wounded, out of alignment with your Real Truth.

. . .

The very moment you surrender the belief you hold that is outside of what is Real . . .

You will find immediate relief from your suffering.

Immediate.

shakti_green tara

 

 

There Is A Time To Live And There Is A Time To Die

One thing about having your life flipped upside down with devastating news, is that it forces you to be present in the here and now.  All there is, all you can be sure of, is what is happening at this moment.

You know, I tried to imagine the Native Americans back hundreds of years ago all sitting around the campfire trying to plan out their 5 year and 10 year goals and it just looked ridiculous to me.  Discussions started about risk management of the buffalo herds and average rainfall from recent years and the amount of berry return they could expect in the coming years based on weather projections from their shaman.  Which then turned into arguments and name-calling and fistfights.  It was a disaster.

The Native Americans as a people, at one time, had such a genuine appreciation of life and gratitude for all they had.  They knew what needed to be done in each moment and left the rest to the Great Spirit.  They lived simply.  But they weren’t just flying blind, they were plugged into the pulse of nature.  It’s a natural rhythm that syncs up with our mind and heart.  It’s a feeling, a knowing of what time it is . . . of what needs to be done right now, and what was needed for the future was automatically calculated into that with the unseen spirit of Life.

A perfect recent personal experience with how this works, is that I felt a strong need in me to take a couple of days off.  It wasn’t your typical, oh that sounds like a good idea, it was something deep in me telling me that it needed to happen.  So I just went with it in the moment, and I used my instinct for how to go about doing it.  The night before my two scheduled days off I found out that my girl kitty was dying, and I would’ve had to take those two days off anyways . . . but because I listened to my *now* voice the week before without getting caught up in why I felt it . . . it was already taken care of.  Instead of having to focus on arranging all of that with no warning to my office, everything was already pre-arranged and I was able to 100% focus on the situation at hand.

That is living in harmony with life, even while in the modern world.

Right now everyone’s too busy thinking they know better than life and nature, what needs to be happening from moment to moment.  Not only that, but also busy telling everyone else what *they* should be doing too.  With all of this chattering at each other, how can anyone hear their own inner voice anymore?  The one that connects them to Life?  The one that sustains, nourishes, and provides everything that is needed from moment to moment?  Is it any wonder we’re all starved and empty inside?  When you go against that internal natural rhythm you purposely deny yourself nourishment from nature . . . God . . .The Mother . . . however you choose to see that which spiritually feeds us and makes all things possible in this life.

Do you not stop and think about what makes trees grow?  What makes bees buzz?  What *it* is that animates this world and brings it to life?  What makes you walk around and laugh and talk and cry?  There is this ever present hum of life that is present in all and everything we do, and we try to live life like a bunch of teenagers who think they already know everything, ignoring this very real and present provider in our current existence.

All of it is a gift.  What moves through everything and gives it the spark of life and animates this world, does NOT have to do that.  It can withdraw at any time it chooses.  Every bit of it is a gift, and we take it for granted and we stomp all over it, and ignore it.  We refuse to even acknowledge it’s existence . . . and yet it continues to give and give and give.  And we . . . continue to be like a bunch of spoiled brats who need their asses whooped.

Being alive is a gift.  Dying . . . is a part of that process.  It’s sad because we want to continue to share this life with that person or being, but things must come and go as they need to, not as we personally wish them to.

Just like I didn’t know initially why I was taking off those two days, I don’t initially know why it’s time for Raven to die or why it’s time for anyone to die . . . but there are bigger things at work than just us as humans on this planet.  Maybe Raven is a super spy on the planet Catawesomeness, and she was here on a vacation or as a favor to someone, and now her time here is up because she needs to get back to her real job at Catawesomeness.  Yes I’m sad for her to go, but that’s the nature of existence.  The natural rhythm at both the micro and macro levels.

Just because she’s going to move into a spectrum of light my human eyes can’t see, doesn’t mean she ceases to exist or that she isn’t still out doing awesome Raven things.  Because that’s not how things work.  There are whole existences and worlds that our minds have been closed to for a really long time and it’s that closed mindedness that makes us suffer.  The suffering is in response to an imagined way of how things are when we die.  Not based on truth or reality.

The grief . . . the grief is very real.  Energetically, it’s the untangling of energy from each other.  If we grip on tightly to the being dying from this world (or just leaving to do something else awesome), then it becomes more painful.  If we were to know or understand that they’re just going through a door and onto other things just like when we move or change jobs here . . . then we’d be more willing to unlock our grasp on them and free them.  Let them go.  Let them move on to their next life without pulling on them to come back when they are done here.

I had a dream a few years back.  I was in a house with a girl.  She left the room momentarily and when she did my dream became lucid . . . more real than real life.  The ghost of a girl was trying to make contact with me.  She was pleading with me.  Something that the astral plane was trying to get across the veil to the world, to us.  It was an emergency.  When the other girl returned to the room, the ghost disappeared.  I told her about it, and she said that her sister had died and it was probably her.

When I first woke up I couldn’t remember what the urgent message was from the other side of the veil.  But I suddenly remembered it this last week.  The urgency was that we’ve forgotten how to properly grieve the dead.  We’ve forgotten how to open ourselves wide to the loss in order to free them so that they may leave this world.  The astral has been bursting at the seams with the spirits of our loved ones who we won’t release or let go or forgive.  Our awareness and attention is more powerful than we realize.  Holding tight to someone, whether alive or dead . . . binds them.  It makes it harder for them to untangle their energy from you and be free to leave.  You have to release your hold on them, and they on you.

In ancient times, there used to be huge ceremonies held throughout the year where specially trained priestesses and priests would do these elaborate ceremonies in order to clear all of that out.  So if you did lose someone and you were holding onto them, this was an opportunity as a community to join together in your grief and let them all go together.  Then you had the company and support of others suffering the same and you could lean on each other for support in having to finally say goodbye or let go.  But what do we do now?  We get, what? two days to move through the whole grief process before we get back to business and continue as if nothing happened?

This neglect of this part of ourselves is what is undoing us now.  This need to hold onto things long past their time.  This need to overcome nature and be these heroes that triumph over death again and again.  It goes against natural laws.  We throw money at cancer research and call it charity and doing good . . . without understanding whether it truly is good or not.  The more we try to conquer disease and sickness, the more that shows up.  Suspicious don’t you think?  Perhaps it’s Mother Nature taking matters into her own hands?  We are truly foolish people.

We have 7+ billion people on the planet.  More than the planet can sustain.  Is this *really* being progressive?  Or is this the result of us thinking we know better than God . . . Mother Nature.  This unhealthy obsession to force and make things continue to live against their will, just because we’re too scared to let go.

We’re scared of our emotions and our feelings and of losing that which we love.  These are our shadows that we run from.  Our whole existence is now centered on a fear of dying and losing love, rather than living and experiencing love.  In an effort to cheat death, we have become the dead.  We no longer remember what it even feels like to be alive.

There is a time for us to be born . . . and there is a time for us to die.  And if we’re tuned into the natural rhythm of life, we know when those times are, and we need to allow them to happen.  Provide love, provide support for both them and their loved ones, help ease their suffering as much as possible during the transition.  But for god sakes . . . we need to let them go.

funny-teddy-bear-dog-cotton

 

On The Very Threshhold Of The Golden Age . . . Be Brave And Endure

Have you ever had to go without something that you needed?  And by needed, I mean something basic and standard like oxygen.

Have you ever had to go without food, or not know when you would get more?  Or Water?

When you have to go too long without something that you need in order to nourish and keep yourself alive, it can produce a state of fearfulness.  Mistrust.  Guardedness.

Whatever little you have, you hide and guard with all you have.

That’s more of a physical example, an animal survival instinct.

But we’re more than physical beings.  We have basic needs that go beyond oxygen, food, water, & shelter.

Our Spirit needs . . . Spiritual need . . . is love.

When we are forced to go without love, we respond in the same manner emotionally as if we were low on food and water.

Because we’re at the end of a cycle, the love we were given from source at the beginning of the cycle has run very low.

The Kali Yuga period is the darkest part of the cycle, exactly because of this.  We’re running low on love . . . light from source.

It’s easy for the dark smoke entity to hide and cover up whatever love is left, and make us believe that it is all gone . . . leaving chaos and destruction in it’s wake.

But what is really interesting about the big cycle, is that it starts with the golden age . . . slowly decreases into darkness over thousands of years . . . until we hit the period we’ve been in.  But instead of it slowly increasing and reversing in the same speed that it declined . . . we suddenly jump from the darkest period of the cycle, back into the golden age.

Why?  Why does it do that?

Because the grand cycle, is a process of receiving our nourishment from the source that has to last us for the next cycle.  They talk about manna from heaven in the bible, and how the people survived off of this stuff for a long time.  Source pulses out a burst of light/love/consciousness/awareness once every grand cycle.

By the end of the cycle, we are dragging our mother fucking knuckles on the ground about ready to give up completely.  We are being mean, rotten, selfish, ignorant, etc.  We are in survival mode.  We are responding exactly as people who are starving to death . . . and we are . . . our love fuel tank is on E.

If you’ve ever suffered starvation or nutrient deficiency, you will know that you can’t think straight . . . everything is confusing and doesn’t make much sense.  You don’t make the smartest decisions.  Why do you think people associate being poor as being ignorant?

Humanity is not evil . . . it’s simply starving for love, or the energy sent to us from source every grand cycle.

Forgive them for they know not what they do.

The world religions, while yes some have turned into power plays and political disasters, initially were meant to help people keep faith when things started to darken.  As the ages progress, and the light/love source we were provided for the long haul starts to grow thinner and thinner . . . things start to get a little tough.

People start getting grumpier and grumpier.  More defensive.  More divided.  Less trusting of each other.  More isolated and separated.  Then the dark smoke entity starts to rub it’s hands together in glee because it becomes easier and easier to trick people when they become low in love.

We go through a period where we believe that our “God” has forsaken us.  Where is he?  Where did he go?

So there is a period of many generations, where you are just going strictly off of collective memories, stories, faith, and belief regarding this loving entity.  A prophecy of his return.

His return, is when the grand cycle is complete, and it’s time to refill all of our reserves with the light/love from source.  And it comes all at once.  The golden love energy.  The Golden Age.  The Great Awakening.

Why is it the Great Awakening?  Because we are so starved, we are spiritually weak and when you’re spiritually weak . . . you forget.  The more starved you become, the more you forget and fall into darkness.

Inspirational things are what we use to try and keep the Spirit alive through the darkest times.  Singing, dancing, making merry, happiness, joy, love . . . we keep the traditions and rituals going for as long as possible in order to carry some of the light/love from source through our darkest times.  Until one day they end.  Because we’ve run all out of that spiritual substance that we NEED.

There are many monasteries, etc. whose soul purpose is to hold that love and light in remote parts of the world in order to keep all of us from plunging completely into darkness.  Who in the darkest times start to become mocked and disrespected.  But who keep doing it anyways, because they know it’s important.  That is faith.

But we also keep a small spark of that energy deep within ourselves . . . that we guard with all that we have because it’s the only thing that keeps us from dying.

Which brings us to now.  We are at the teeter totter end of the cycle.  The very darkest before the light.  Were we are all feeling isolated and alone because we’re forced to in order to protect that last bit of spark love inside of us.  Scared.  Defensive.  Trying to not lose hope.  Trying to keep the faith in Love.  Faith in Light’s return.

Just like we do in winter . . . hoping that spring and life comes back to us.  It’s exactly the same thing . . . the micro within the macro.  In the Grand Cycle, we are at the precipice of Spring.  We are all holding our breaths for the Event.  Hoping, praying, that the Light returns to us.  That we haven’t been forgotten.  That something didn’t happen during the thousands of years since our last renewal, that will prevent the light from getting to us.

I’m here to tell you, that we have not been forgotten.  The Light is on its way even as we speak, and it cannot be stopped.

It’s okay to let go of your fear and doubts.  I know you’re tired and worn to the bone . . . but give it one more chance.

The energy is already beginning to reach us, and like flowers . . . we have to be willing to open in order to receive the sunshine in order to be fed.

You’ve been tight in fear in order to protect your last spark of love, the same as a hungry person guards the last scrap of food they have.

But it’s okay to let go now.  If you can find the strength and courage in yourself to trust . . . just one more time . . . and open your heart and feel your love . . . push past fears and doubts that will try to pull on you . . . you will be able to feel the beginnings of the Light returning for the Golden Age.

If you’re still enough . . . you’ll feel it start to fill your personal reservoirs again.  Right now is not about convincing others about this . . . it’s about getting yourselves filled up and strong.

You don’t need to worry about others anymore.  I know some of you who have had some extra love energy have been using it to keep others who have been losing theirs . . . but you don’t need to do that anymore.  It’s going to be okay now.  The renewal has started . . . so those who are the most sensitive will be able to pick up and benefit from it right now.  The rest will follow.

The Legions of Light are arriving.  You can let go of the fear and worry that nags at you subconsciously.

funny-turtle-sea-white-zoo-water

 

 

 

The Great Mother Is On The Rise

While reading a book this weekend, I came across a single sentence that completely blew my mind and I’ll never see things the same again.  It simply stated that “virgin” had originally meant an independent woman.

O.O

Excuse.Me?  Could you repeat that?  I must have misheard you, because I KNOW you didn’t just flip some 2,000 year old bullshit upside down on its head in that one sentence.

I didn’t know whether to cry in celebration or be INFURIATED.

I have never had so much discordant information in my head suddenly click into place from something so simple.

Doing a search online, I found in numerous places a quote from a book that further elaborated on that concept called The Great Cosmic Mother: Rediscovering the Religion of the Earth, by Monica Sjoo and Barbara Mor.  Brace yourselves:

“Ancient moon priestesses were called virgins.  ‘Virgin’ meant not married, not belonging to a man – a woman who was ‘one-in-herself.’  The very word derives from a Latin root meaning strength, force, skill; and was later applied to men: virle.  Ishtar, Diana, Astarte, Isis were all called virgin, which did not refer to sexual chastity, but sexual independence.  And all great culture heroes of the past…, mythic or historic, were said to be born of virgin mothers: Marduk, Gilgamesh, Buddha, Osiris, Dionysus, Genghis Khan, Jesus – they were all affirmed as sons of the Great Mother, of the Original One, their worldly power deriving from her.  When the Hebrews used the word, and in the original Aramatic, it meant ‘maiden’ or ‘young woman’, with no connotations to sexual chastity.  But later Christian translators could not conceive of the ‘Virgin Mary’ as a woman of independent sexuality, needless to say; they distorted the meaning into sexually pure, chaste, never touched.  When Joan of Arc, with her witch coven associations, was called La Pucelle-‘the Maiden,’ ‘the Virgin’ – the word retained some of its original pagan sense of a strong and independent woman. The Moon Goddess was worshipped in orgiastic rites, being the divinity of matriarchal women free to take as many lovers as they choose. Women could ‘surrender’ themselves to the Goddess by making love to a stranger in her temple.”

The bold is mine, and I also corrected some punctuation, etc.  I don’t have a copy of the book myself so I can’t confirm whether the mistakes were originally in the book or not, but they were bugging the hell out of me.  So feel free to look up the fricked up version elsewhere on the internet.

When I read this . . . there is an intense response from something deep and ancient within me that feels Absolutely.  Furious.

And when I say furious, I mean FURY.  I mean WRATH of GOD FURY.

Everything that is Me.

Everything that I am.

All of the things that make me who I am inside . . . has been twisted and turned . . . manipulated and repressed through history to become something that is culturally unacceptable . . . and so as a result, I have been shown or told in one form or another since birth, that I should be ashamed of myself.  That who I am is wrong.  That who I am is evil.

And I don’t just mean people shunned me . . . I mean I was told straight to my face, even as a little girl, on many occasions . . . with such hate and venom in their eyes and voice . . . that I.was.pure.evil.

I was called whore.  Bitch.  Heartless.  Selfish.

Those judgments were based on the premise that a “good” woman is chaste, sexless, helpless, fragile, weak, delicate, mute, and completely dependent on the mercy and graciousness of the man in charge of her care.  The root of these ideas were based on the image we are fed regarding Jesus’ mother.  The Virgin Mother.  Virgin having come to mean a subdued, passive woman who is only pure because she didn’t have sex!!

The REAL Mother . . . has been raped and stripped of her TRUE identity.  Of her REAL power.  And the part of women who identify with this lost part of The Mother, have been made to feel shameful and evil.  Have been forced to feel less than they are.  Forced to submit and suffer.

I’ve never seen myself as a feminist.  I still don’t, because this goes FAR beyond feminism for me.  A Great Wrong has been done to the Great Mother.  A.  Very. Very.  Great Wrong.

It might be more forgivable . . . if it hadn’t been methodically and purposely done.

In the blog The Queen of Heaven, there are many great posts in there regarding the different goddess figures . . . but there is a multi-post series regarding Asherah.  The Lost Bride of Yahweh.  Ever wonder why God didn’t have a wife?  Seems kind of fucking weird and suspicious to me that God is a single dad, who expects his children to have functional marriages even though he’s not able to model for them how that’s supposed to look.  Truth be told . . . he did have a wife.

From Asherah, Part I: The lost bride of Yahweh

The archaelogical record suggests that Asherah was the Mother Goddess of Israel, the Wife of God, according to William Dever, who has unearthed many clues to her identity. She was worshiped, apparently throughout the time Israel stood as a nation.  In many homes, images like the one above decorated household shrines.

So . . . where is she, God?  Did your marriage not work out because you’re such a great guy?  Or is there something else going on?  Maybe you’re not really the God you’ve tried to convince everyone that you are.

Perhaps . . . you’ve fooled the whole world?

Just as it was prophesized the Devil would do?

Asherah’s image was lost to us not by chance, but by deliberate action of fundamentalist monotheists.  First Her images were torn down, then Her stories were rewritten, then Her name was forgotten.  In fact, Her name appears 40 times in modern translations of the Bible, but not at all in the first English translation, the King James Bible.  Since no one knew who Asherah was anymore in the 17th century when the King James Version (KJV) was being created, Her name was translated as groves of trees or trees or images in groves, without understanding that those trees and groves of trees represented a mother goddess.

However . . .

When archaeologists unearthed a treasure trove of Canaanite stories and other writings in Ugarit, in modern day Syria, they discovered that the mysterious “Asherah” was not an object, but a Goddess: the mother goddess of the Canaanites. When archaeologists discovered Her in Israel as well, a whole new picture of early Hebrew religion began to emerge.  The argument is straightforward: 1. Asherah was a known Canaanite Goddess, the Mother Goddess and wife of the Father God.

But we’re not done:

In Exodus, we are told that God warned the people to get rid of Asherah’s emblems when they conquered the land of Canaan; in the periods of the books of the Judges and the Kings, we are told that the “good” prophets, kings and reformers continually had to burn and smash the idols of Asherah; finally, in Jeremiah, we are told that worship of Asherah has resulted in the fanatical monotheistic God’s decision to wipe out Israel and Judah (the southern portion of the formerly united kingdom) via the invasion of outside peoples.  The thing is, we are told most of these things by a single author, or group of authors: the Deuteronomist.  This is a character (or possibly group of characters) writing and rewriting portions of the Bible in later days, around the 7th century BC, either just before or during the exile of the Jews to Babylon. According to the Deuteronomist, the priest Hilkiah claims in 2 Kings, chapter 22, to have “discovered” the ancient laws of Moses during temple renovations.  These writings, “The Book of the Law” were mysteriously mislaid leading Israel to get its religion all wrong, apparently.

The works of the Deuteronomist conveyed a story that the Israelites had a covenant with Yahweh to worship him and only him. He claimed the Israelites had taken Canaan by force through a holy war in which they massacred the original inhabitants, putting to death (by God’s command) men, women and children in Jericho.  (This claim is not supported by the archaelogical record.) And he claimed that God was a jealous God, one who demanded to be worshiped alone and who would punish the unfaithful by bringing other nations to conquer them if they worshiped others.

Was this really the religion of Israel? Apparently not.  The common folk kept right on putting up their Asherahs in the woods and the temple and the little votive Asherahs in their home shrines.  Only after Israel was conquered and the people of Judah returned from exile in Babylon did the fundamentalist fanatics with their violent, patriarchal, monotheistic God win the argument. The Deuteronomist’s work, along with the works of two other primary authors, the Yahwist and the Elohist, were compiled by a fourth source, called the Priestly source, to become the Bible we have today.

Well . . . well . . . well.  WTF do we have going on here?

Because I can’t trust the information that was allowed to be passed onto us, because history is always written by the victor . . . I am only able to trust what I feel inside.  And based on the Absolute Fury I feel when I read all of this, I’m going to trust that feeling and say that there is truth to all of this.

The suppression of the Divine Feminine was done deliberately.  It was done by force.

Ever wonder why all the unrest in the Middle East and why everyone keeps getting involved?  Every wonder why there have been holy wars going on for millennia?  Ever wonder why there has been such suppression in knowledge and information?  Burning of libraries in ancient times?  Why so much goddamn effort has been put into mystery schools and secret societies to try and pass on some sort of information through the generations?

Well . . . even if not . . . I will tell you why . . . it’s all related.

There HAS been spiritual warfare being waged over the centuries.  They throw up distractions and illusions to confuse the average person.  They separate the issues so that you can’t see that everything . . . every goddamn thing that is happening and has happened in our world . . . stems from the suppression of information of what is REALLY GOING ON.

Do you want to know WHY the emphasis on facts and “proving” shit?  Because it keeps you busy and distracted.  Because it causes you to doubt your own feelings and it causes you to become passive.  It has us believing that if we can’t prove it, then we can’t act.  It leaves us helpless and like victims.  Because they have kept a tight hold on the real information, and have destroyed everything that might give away what is really going on.

Do you want to know WHY mainstream belief is to discount the unseen and the paranormal?  Because that’s the one thing they can’t control, and because the answers we’re seeking are located in those things.  As long as they discount things like energetics, afterlife, psychic phenomenon, etc. they don’t have to worry about us finding out the truth.  That’s why feelings and people being emotional is looked down on.  In the most recent release of psychological disorders . . . emotions are basically considered a mental disorder.

Everything that is dismissed and looked down upon . . . are things connected to the Divine Feminine who was methodically removed from history . . . because you cannot actually kill an Immortal . . . but if you can make everyone forget them . . . they are as good as dead.

Our imbalance on Earth is the result of a deliberate attempt to remove the part of the Divine Feminine from our memories and culture that would cause the current Order to lose their power and hold over us.

Let me make this even more clear.  The current upheaval we’re seeing in our lives is not due to an angry God punishing his sinful children.  It is a Wrathful Mother coming loose from her prison to take out the offending God.  The same one who is trying to make the children believe that they are suffering because of THEIR sins.  No. No.  Hell Fucking NO.  What is going on . . . is because of the SINS of that GOD.

What kind of Mother Fucker tries to make the children own the blame for something he did?  Huh?  What kind of fucked up and twisted mind does that?!?!

The kind that has been in control of the planet.  The warfare has been ongoing at the astral, energetic, and spiritual levels.  It filters through into the physical.  It’s been operating behind the scenes.  That’s why they try to convince you that none of that spiritual shit is real.  That none of the energetic stuff is real.  That this physical world is all that’s real and can be explained with cold hard facts and numbers.  Because that traps you here.  It keeps you from being able to make contact with the other side.  The Real World is there . . . not here.

The God who did all of this, and who has been in control . . . has been recently fighting a losing battle.  Everything he’s built based on lies and deception is in the middle of full collapse.  The Mother is back on the Rise to her rightful place and the doors back home are in the process of being re-opened.

I know how this may sound to some.  I know how hard it may be to swallow or accept.  Process it however you need to.  Accept it or reject it, it does not matter to me.  Only trust your Heart and your feelings.

And there’s no need to be afraid anymore.  The Mother is returning and she will take care of you.  These evils that have been playing out are not yours . . . but the black smoke/fog that has been working invisibly behind the scene.  It’s now a time of learning to forgive ourselves for anything we did, and forgiving others for anything they’ve done . . . to let it all go.  Let it go and disappear into the past.

Do what the Dark Smoke tried to do to The Mother . . . and forget it ever existed.  In an instant . . . he will lose all his power.

Mother of God

Before I Get To Goofy Dork, I Need To Make A Quick Stop At The Local Abyss

This is more or less a continuation of yesterday’s post, Wanting To Be A Graceful Swan, Destined To Be A Goofy Dork, where I’m looking to my natal chart to help me re-gather the pieces of myself and remember who I am again.

I’m currently bobbing in and out of a Neptunian blanket of fog, going from clarity and renewal to  . . . wait . . . what was I doing?  Where am I?

The part of my chart that poked it’s head out today . . . once I saw it, it’s almost embarrassing for me that it wasn’t the first thing I was researching.  And yet, when I think back to when I first began this exercise . . . it’s almost like this part of my chart didn’t exist.  Even in my memory, that area is *blanked out* as if it didn’t exist.  Which is actually very indicative of what’s going on there.

Before I continue, here’s my full chart again (but with an additional planet that is central to my post today):

Jenn's Natal Chart

Jenn’s Natal Chart

I don’t know if you noticed, but there is a party happening in my first house.  In the days when I was first learning astrology and mingling with the natives, people’s response to my first house was “Wow!” or “OMG, Look at that 1st house!”  And then that would be it.  Like it was self-explanatory.  I would keep staring at them with wide-eyed wonder and hopeful eyebrows raised, trying to say with my face  ” . . . AND?”  When that failed, I would just come out and say exasperated, “What does that mean?!”

It was usually just a quick, generic sentence like “Oh, you’re . . . fast.”  “You’re a go-getter.”  . . . O.o  What?  That didn’t match their initial response at all.  I would never, ever say “OMG!” to something so lame.  It made me want to hit my head against the wall (Aries-much?) and well . . . it touched on something so deep and owie in me.  Something that I had no hope at the time in articulating. I was only starting to become aware that this *thing* existed.  This *something* that made up a huge part of my existence that I couldn’t see . . . I couldn’t hear . . . I had absolutely no way to label it or describe it.

All I really knew was that their reaction to my first house caused a split second of elevated awareness in me and a feeling of familiarity and something that I had known and forgotten.  And something that I was missing.  Something that I had lost and forgot that I lost.  Something that I ached for with every molecule of my entire being.  In that moment, it wouldn’t have been beneath me to burst into sobbing tears and begging somebody, anybody to help me.  To please help me, something . . . some . . . I don’t know what it is but I needed someone’s help.

I would have too . . . except that my instinct (Aries, 1st house, Mars) to protect myself would get triggered, and of the fight, flight, or freeze . . . my defense of choice was to freeze.  I would lock up in myself.  I was absolutely unable to communicate outside of myself.  I went into “ghost” mode . . . where I would become absolutely invisible.  I never tested it, but I felt very sure that I could have done anything I wanted to and not only would nobody notice, they wouldn’t even remember that I had been there in the first place.  This went far beyond just feeling invisible.  I may have not understood what was going on with me, but if there was one thing I understood. . . it was instinctual awareness . . . and I was.not. registering in anyone’s awareness whenever I went into freeze/ghost mode.

A quick side note . . . I’m having an incredibly hard time staying connected to my feelings while I write this . . . so my post may start having a *colder* feeling to it than normal.  I’m having to exert a lot of will power to stay conscious and aware while I write.  I’m nearly operating on survival instinct alone.  It has everything to do with the topic.  It has everything to do with my 1st house.  It’s the affect the 1st house has on me that you’re witnessing for yourself first hand.  In fact, it’s my hope that bringing all of this to light will help me reconnect to my 1st house.  The house of Self.  The house I lose and *blank out* the most in my entire chart.  My house of Ghost.

The attendee list for my 1st house includes Eris rising, Venus, Mars, South Node in Aries and Chiron, Sedna, and Mercury in Taurus.  Of that entourage, Venus, Mars, South Node, Chiron, & Sedna are conjunct.  That is cray cray.

What I know now but couldn’t articulate (Mercury) then, was that I wasn’t even understanding the concept of the 1st house.  I had no comprehension of what it meant.  I would read about Aries and it would say things like pioneer, leader, warrior.  But . . . what does that mean?!?  I have a 1st house full of warrior?  What.does.that.mean?  What does that look like in my everyday life?  When am I being Aries in my life?  What is something an Aries might say?  How is it different from something every other sign might say or do?  I couldn’t see it!  It was literally a blank spot in my awareness.

Which . . . is kind of something that doesn’t often get brought up about Aries and 1st house . . . it’s often something that is such a part of us that you can’t see it.  Like when you forget that you put your glasses on top of your head.  You tear the place apart looking for your glasses.  Where are my bleeping glasses?  When someone mercifully points out that they’re on your head, you at once feel both relief and also like a complete idiot.  That’s how I experience Aries.  I also experience it like it’s some big secret that everyone else gets except me.  Someone commenting on my previous post who has Mercury in Aries made a reference to this.  I cannot stress how much Aries does NOT feel to the native, the way that everyone describes and talks about Aries.

In the astrology community, there is a lot of smack talk given about Aries.  The impression I got from people when I was in student mode . . . and how I now understand it for myself . . . are two completely different things.  And it actually kind of pisses me off how people bad mouth and represent that sign like they do.  If you knew what it was like to live in Aries skin, you would shut your mouth and speak more kindly.  Just because Aries talks about themselves, does not mean they are selfish . . . and just because Libra speaks about others, doesn’t mean they are selfless.

Yes, I have other things at work in my 1st house that influences my feeling on this.  But before I lose my train of thought, how I used to always experience Aries is that I couldn’t see me.  It’s like looking in the mirror and seeing no reflection.  I talk about myself in an effort to see me.  All I know is others.  I know all about other people and why they do what they do, what makes people tick and the many different ways they relate to each other in the many different scenarios of life . . . but I have no context or reference of how I fit into ANY of it because I can’t see me (me being the forgotten glasses on top of my head).  I’ve been accused of being insensitive, by the very people who sit there and laugh with each other over how unaware Aries are about other people.  Do you know how hurtful that is?  My entire life has been focused on understanding others . . . and I’m being made fun of by others right in front of my face like my Aries makes me deaf or something.

Aries isn’t retarded.  Aries isn’t even being oblivious to others.  Aries needs help and the reflection from others in order to see themselves, in order to give them context and understand their place in existence.  They are so up close and personal with Self, they can’t see it.  Aries is the new spark of life . . . it’s the time in life when we’re a baby.  Why would you sit there and laugh and make fun of a baby needing your help to understand its place in the world?

Now seems like a good time to bring up what is affecting my understanding of 1st house & Aries. (Also, I’d like to point out my own diversion tactic . . . I’m heading into owie territory so I’ve been skating around it.  4 paragraphs of skating around it.  This is one of my forms of avoidance.  I call myself out on things like this to keep myself on the straight and narrow.  I don’t want my own bullshit to be what stops me from getting through.)

Right now, I’m trying to relax my tensed body, and breathe more oxygen into my body in an effort to move out of fight, flight, or freeze mode.

* * *

 Okay . . . so I’ll start with my Chiron:

Chiron in Taurus in 1st House.

Chiron in Taurus in 1st House.

Chiron is our deepest wound.  The short of it being in my 1st house, is that it will most likely lead to a journey of self-discovery.  What Astrology Study had to say about Chiron in general:

Chiron in the natal chart represents our “deepest wound”. It shows an area of our lives and part of our psyches in which we lack self-esteem or even self-respect and tend to overcompensate as a result. We tend to give and give and give in these areas of life, until we learn to build our confidence. Chiron represents insecurity, guilt, and, to some degree, subservience. We feel a seemingly endless need to prove ourselves in these areas of life, until we learn that proving ourselves simply never works! In fact, it ends up making us feel even more ineffective.

Specifically about Chiron in the 1st house:

Possibly, there were restrictions in early childhood that will have had the effect on you of either retreating into yourself or having to fight to be noticed. There will be a need to find personal meaning in existence. Some will do this by being overly aggressive, others by withdrawing.

I obviously tend towards the withdrawing part.  I chose this site because it also mentioned Chiron-Venus & Chiron-Mars contacts . . . which since I have those two conjunct Chiron, this gives me additional understanding.  For Chiron-Venus:

With Chiron-Venus aspects, there is a tendency to give, and give, and give again in close personal and love relationships, and a tremendous fear of rejection from a lover. No matter how much these people do for a partner, they never feel it is enough. Early experiences of rejection or other problem relationships helps these people to learn a tremendous amount about love and relationships, and they can easily be turned to for very insightful advice about human interactions. Applying this wisdom on a personal level is the challenge, as Chiron-Venus people need to first heal their own deep fears of not being “good enough”. They need to learn to love themselves and to make sure their partners are meeting them halfway. They might also be attracted to partners who need help, but with the hard aspects, it might be hard to get back the same kind of attention or appreciation.

Ouch.  That’s hitting a little close to home . . . ok . . . now Chiron-Mars:

Asking for what we want, or self-assertiveness, is the main challenge for people with Chiron-Mars aspects. They might find themselves apologizing after an “outburst” of anger, self-assertion, or statement of desire–somehow feeling ashamed. The Mars expression can be unusual and come across as outbursts because of the lack of confidence in the validity of their desires or whether their personal desires deserve to be met. There can also be some physical clumsiness or awkwardness. The main challenge for Chiron-Mars people is to learn to accept their own desires and feelings of anger as valid so that when they do express them, they express them naturally and with confidence.

My owies are definitely being stirred up by reading this.  I’m finding it very hard to communicate at all . . . but yes . . . I’m constantly apologizing for any kind of outburst at all.  My mars & venus are so repressed in me right now after getting triggered from my breakup in November.  Hence the forgetting of myself again . . . and my attempt right now of trying to reclaim them.

And I feel my Chiron strongly in me.  I know it’s referred to as our deepest wound . . . but there is actually something I feel even deeper than my Chiron . . . I’m starting to tear up just at mentioning it . . . and that is Sedna.  It feels like where the feeling of Chiron stops in my body . . . Sedna (tied to Chiron) is thrown down even further below into oblivion like a lost anchor.  The feeling of Sedna in me . . . makes me WISH I was only feeling Chiron.  I look forward to being up high enough to only feel Chiron.

Sedna in Taurus in 1st house

Sedna in Taurus in 1st house

Sedna is relatively new to the astrology scene . . . but thank goodness she showed up . . . because otherwise I don’t think I would have ever gotten at that incredible ache I started to become aware of all those years ago.  The best description I’ve come across that fits how I feel Sedna, is that she is connected to the part of ourselves that we sacrificed in order to survive.  Sedna’s story is, as Darkstar Astrology puts it, “quite horrifying”.

And so I come to the crux on which my whole life seems to rest . . . she is connected and anchored to my Chiron . . . my Mars . . . and my Venus.  These are the things I sacrificed and sent to the bottom of the ocean in order to survive my childhood.  I know it’s probably hard to imagine what that means or feels like to have your Venus and Mars completely ripped from your awareness.  I’m fighting with my feelings right now, so I’ll share some things from a couple of sites while I work through it.

At Darkstar Astrology (there is good version of the story of Sedna at the link):

“The encounter with what has been lost, drowned out, or frozen long ago… In other words, our own ‘Ice Age’: the wounds in the soul caused by the impatience, condemnation, dismissal or anger of the father; the living hell of unresolved outrage; the violence of hardship where we cut off from what is desperate and vulnerable in ourselves or others in order to survive. “ [Melanie Reinhart, in her article “The Goddess of the Frozen Waters.”]

“Sedna swims into your life to tell you to stop being a victim. The way to wholeness is to recognize how you’ve been caught up in and are living the victim archetype, then to change the pattern by empowering yourself.

“The goddess Sedna teaches us that we must delve into the dark, cold places that we fear most if we are to find the riches that rest there. Sedna reminds us that, in spite of all our infirmities and our foolish mistakes, we are still worthy of love and respect and have every right to expect, and even demand, that others treat us well” [Goddess Gift]

And from Lynn Koiner

“And, on another level, I wonder if Sedna is connected with sacrificing a part of ourselves so that we can survive (throwing our Sedna into the ocean), and how we are especially responsible to “comb her hair”, since we (the father) put her deep in the ocean.”

For me, these words unlocked the key to the transformational process of Sedna.  I will add that the part of yourself that you sacrifice, split off and repress will linger deep in our subconscious, acting as a driving force, little known to our consciousness, but demanding our attention.  Just as the Inuit must go to the ocean’s depths and “comb Sedna’s hair,” we must make that Transformational Journey and tend to these  subconscious emotions, desires and memories.  If we do not, these issues will drive our lives in ways that are destructive and frustrating.

Yes . . . now I’m starting to remember.  It also explains my recent dream regarding a reference to the “goddess of the abyss”.  I’ve done this process before.

I find my way back out by remembering how it feels to be loved by getting into a state of deep meditation . . . and remembering how it feels to be loved, by feeling love for myself like another person might feel for their lover.  I allow it to feel true in my body using imagination and will.  I keep calling the feeling of being loved back to me and keep it in my awareness for as long as possible.  I convince myself that I believe it, I believe it fully.  I let it become my whole reality.  Even with eyes closed, everything begins to get brighter like someone was turning a bunch of lights on in the room around me.  When it reaches a point where it’s surrounding my whole being, and I don’t have to exert as much energy to stay in that space . . . I then delicately remove my strands of consciousness that I used to bring me closer to it. . . and then I surrender myself to it . . . and it brings me back from the bottom of the abyss and back to my existence of light and laughter.

All of my pain, struggle, and hardship gives way to peace and love.  The days of pain and suffering fade into the distance and bother me no more.

It involves seeing the most heart-breaking thing you can imagine . . . and seeing how you did it, even if it was for a good reason such as survival . . . the parts you threw in need you to see that it was you that did it, before they are willing to trust you again and return with you to the surface.  Not to hurt or punish you . . . but because that *is* the reconnecting process.  That moment when you stop trying to run from yourself and you completely drop your guard and just accept the truth without blame or judgment . . . just the raw honest to god truth of the situation . . . it makes the reconnecting process possible.  It is complete humility and surrender to something much bigger than you.  It’s when you get out of your own way, and open the space within you to allow divinity through so that you can be healed and brought back to the place where you really belong.

The Golden Gate

This post is probably long overdue and will be including some examples of my ghetto drawing abilities.

It’s actually related to an email that I sent a friend in an attempt to translate TBs (terabytes) of energetic information I was receiving at the end of September, into something that was less . . . wordy.  However, my visual art skills are lacking.  As in, I will wonder what is wrong with you if you *aren’t* laughing at them.

As I’ve mentioned in other posts, I’m very aware of the “unseen” world.  I lump all of what I sense, see, feel under a general umbrella of energetics.  There needs to be a whole new vocabulary added to our language for what is going on . . . but for now, people tend to get the gist of what I’m referring to if I just call all of it energetics.

There is a LOT going on in that arena the last few years.  There’s a lot going on inside of us that goes beyond our understanding of what we grew up with or what we were taught when we were younger.  We’re all heading into uncharted waters.  Well . . . that’s not exactly true . . . the information was passed down over thousands of years, but it’s all encrypted in symbols and stories.  I’d prefer something that said “Step 1: Don’t forget to breathe.  Step 2: . . . ” but nope.

But it’s okay . . . because the whole point of the changes we’re going through as a collective at the moment, is to feel out our own (*new*) way.  It’s a process of moving from depending on outside authority, to trusting and understanding our own inner authority.  Your very own self-regulated moral compass.  Imagine not having to have others tell you what is best for you or what you should be doing?  Imagine knowing and feeling that out for yourself.  And imagine that, as it becomes standard practice for everyone to be tuned into their own hearts, that everything harmoniously works out because it’s tuning into the natural rhythm of the universe.  That’s where we’re headed.

But one step at a time.  First, I’ll start by getting my feet wet in my initial attempt at communicating an abstract concept related to the changes many are beginning to experience right now.  For what it’s worth, any information I share is from personal experiences of taking those concepts I’ve received either through dreams, energetics, or what others have shared and applying them directly to my very own day to day life and working out the kinks by trial and error.  It is from my very own knowing and understanding through living it, and not just repeating things I’ve read in books or online.

Today, what I wish to share, is a shift or process within ourselves that goes from living a life from the viewpoint of “mini me”, to living life from the viewpoint of your Larger Self.  From small you to “Big Girl”/”Big Boy” You.  And although I have this under the umbrella of energetics, it is also a very physical process.  It is very real.

I’m not expecting you to immediately understand what I mean when I say things like “flowing through your core” or  “divine energy”.  I have come up with my own words or labels to try and describe things.  It’s not a situation in which it is something everyone else knows or understands except you. There’s a simple solution for picking up what it is that *you* specifically need to get out of this, which is to not hold on too tightly to my verbiage.  Let it be fluid.  Focus on what it *feels* like for you.  Don’t worry so much on what I may have meant . . . so much as how it feels and corresponds to what you feel inside of you.  Use this as a stepping stone to begin the connection and a whole new relationship and understanding of yourSelf.

I’ve referred to this process as “Getting to Larger Than Life” and even once as “The Adult Children’s Guide to Being Avatar Awesome!”, but it could just as easily be called “Getting Out of Your Own Way and Opening Up to Life Furreals” or “Letting the Sunshine In”.

I’d like to introduce you to George.  He will be our run of the mill basic human body that I will be using as a model.  Minus the arms and legs.  And everything else.  Except the head and torso.

George Basic Body

George has reached a point in his existence where he’s starting to reconnect back to *home*.  He’s starting to feel things again that he hasn’t felt since he was a child.  Awareness outside of ordinary day to day things has begun to expand.  The feeling that there is something more . . . something bigger.  OR maybe George is just trying to figure out why he’s become sick all of the time.  Exhausted, headaches, congested, stomach cramping, insomnia, etc. and the overall feeling like life has become such a huge challenge and things just aren’t like they used to be.

Unseen or energetically, there is an influx of energy coming from “above” and moving into us through our head.  Imagine a large cylinder or pipe inserted at the top of your head and going through your whole center body.

George With Downward flowThe energy coming in, is gold in nature.  I call it divine energy because that’s how it feels to me.  It can feel big and intense, especially if you’re tensed/resisting/blocking it.  One way to know if this is happening, is when you become ill in any way.  Blockages and resistance can happen when we try to run or avoid ourselves or the things we know we need to face.  These become emphasized when things such as colds or flus go through and pushes our body’s limits.  If you’re open and unblocked enough, you may not even know it was ever there.

Btw, I’m greatly simplifying here on purpose.  I’m only highlighting or calling out one area that is an integrated part of a much larger process going on.  So, I’m oversimplifying so as to not overwhelm, but (obviously) this isn’t all that there is.

When you do block any area going through your core, it tends to stop/block/restrict the flow.  You can gain a lot of information depending on what is hurting or having trouble in your body.  And you can always trace those injuries/illnesses to thoughts, beliefs, understanding, or social conditioning.  If you think you can’t, then you’ve hit a blind spot within yourself, and is most likely an understanding that you’ve had in life since you were a child and it hasn’t occurred to you yet to question whether it still holds true for you, i.e. social conditioning.

Ironically, you often need someone from outside of yourself to help you see these.  My rule of thumb in the past has been that if I hear 3 or more people independently accuse me or saying a similar thing about me . . . I might want to swallow my pride and start looking into the possibility of it being true.

While the blockages can happen anywhere along the path through our center, I’m going to focus and illustrate the blockage in our solar plexus.  Our personal power.  Because this is where we are generally stuck as a collective.  (In general) We give our power away.  We depend on authority outside of ourselves.  When things happen that we don’t understand, and/or our outer authority has kept us in the dark or doesn’t seem to know what the hell they’re doing either . . . we tend to become afraid, and we move into survival mode.

When we become afraid, we instinctively tighten our stomachs in defense . . . to brace and protect ourselves.  When this becomes a standard way of being . . . we cut off from our lower half by tightening more and more.  We lose our ability to relax.  To enjoy the things we used to enjoy.  We begin to lose our ability to feel safe, loved, warm, and secure (as well as giving those things to others).  We start to become defensive.  We stop trusting in life, in others, and in ourselves.  We lose confidence.  Life loses its warm glow.  Things feel cold, grey, and lonely.

So when we have that gold energy trying to come in through the top of our heads (often times feeling like actual pressure moving through our body), and makes its way through the core . . . and hits the solar plexus area that is tightened from so much fear . . . it starts to pool up.  You may start to feel good, or experience things you haven’t experienced before . . . but the potential you have with this gold energy will remain very limited while you are still holding your body in fear or trying to defend yourself from things that scare you.

George Blocked FlowIn this picture, you can see that as the energy tries to get in . . . it starts to slow down as it funnels into the ever increasing blocked/closed/tightened area.  And here is the #1 reason I harp on people about being Real with yourselves.  You can think you *are* being honest with yourself ALLLL you want . . . but if you aren’t really, truly being honest with yourself, this area . . . this gate . . . will.not.open.  If you do not humble yourself, get past your pride, forgive, have compassion . . . it will.not.open.

If you look closely at this image, there is a golden wheel above the “hourglass” block.  (Btw, for anyone who studies esoterics . . . take a good look at the red symbols and you will find a gold mine of information regarding what is going on here.)  That golden wheel represents the most you can become or shine while you are blocked or in fear.  It is the limited you.  It is the smaller you.  It feels okay.  But it’s also frustrating as fuck.  Because somewhere inside of you, you KNOW you can be much more than you are.

And even the okay feeling won’t last for long, because it cannot stay there.  It’s like a baby being stuck in the birth canal.  If it doesn’t come all of the way out, the baby can’t sit there and grow into a full adult within the birth canal.  The choices become, coming all of the way out and being born, or going back where it came from and leaving (dying).  So if you have this block, and you don’t put in the hard labor needed to open it (being honest with self, healing, forgiving, stop trying to control everything) then the gold energy will be forced to retreat and leave.

It can even be seen as “spirit”.  If you let your spirit die . . . this is what is happening.  The gold/divine energy has to retreat until you *are* ready to put in the necessary work.  It’s not about punishing the sinners or even karma as people understand it.  It’s about getting over yourself.  You can blame and fault anyone and anything else you want, all day long . . . that’s your right.  But the truth . . . the reality . . . is that in the end, it’s YOU that holds you back.

Now, as I’ve said in other posts/comments, it’s not that I’m saying what happens to us in our lives is fair.  When a young child is abused, causing them to shut down their power center or gate at a very young age . . . it *isn’t* fair that it’s still up to them to put in the hard work to heal and overcome the hurt in them.  To me that is the TRUE tragedy of child abuse.  The initial abuse isn’t nearly as devastating to an individual, as the realization and resulting process they have to go through in order to overcome it.  It’s either that, or live an entire life of misery and suffering.

So when I say to people to please be open and honest about what is really going on inside of you.  This.is.why.  Because this is the gateway within you to freedom.  Freedom from your customized, self-imposed prison.  This is where the Phoenix dies and is reborn.  This is where you leave the life of victimhood, powerlessness, illness, and pain behind . . . and begin living a life of grace . . . joy . . . and happiness.  This is where you get to shine and BE everything you came here to be.  It’s where miracles happen.  Magic.  Synchronicity.  All of these things begin to increase when you are heading in the right direction, because you are beginning to move through this gate.

When you send a prayer . . . it’s through this core.  When you receive a response . . . it also comes through this core.  If you are closed tight due to extreme fear, worry, judgment, etc. . . . it CAN’T get through into this world.  You are your own judge.  And how you judge others, is how you judge yourself.  And your judgment and perception of the world is held like a library within your physical body.  And over long periods of time it can result in illnesses, leading eventually to death.

You are not powerless.  You HAVE a choice.  It’s not an easy one.  It’s not for everyone.  But it IS there should you decide that you want to try another way.  It takes a lot of courage, honesty, faith, trust, patience.  It requires that you slow down and pay attention to what the fuck is going on around you.  It requires that you re-evaluate your beliefs and understandings.  It requires you to let go of everything you thought you knew and understand about yourself and life.  It requires that you find the courage to change and do things another way.  It may result in losing contact with lifelong friends, and even family.  It means turning your life upside down.

The doorway to peace . . . heaven . . . freedom . . . is located on the other side of hell.  You have to walk through the dark, in order to reach the True Light.  I cannot put it any simpler than that.

I know, because I went there.  I personally did it.  I reached it.  And I could have stayed in that place, the place within myself of eternal peace, joy, and love.  Nobody would have faulted me for staying in that space.  But that’s not why I came to Earth.  That’s not the role I chose.

I consciously made the decision in the summer/autumn of 2012, to come back from the other side of that gate.  I had found home . . . I found the golden land, while still incarnated in a body.  I had found peace within.  I got to experience what it felt like to live in a constant state of grace for a couple of months.

Since then I’ve gone back and forth across the gate . . . from a state of remembering to forgetting over and over . . . in order to understand it enough to begin communicating and sharing the information I have gathered with others.

It’s tricky because it is a unique journey for each individual.  Each person has their own unique perception and filters to how they experience and know life.  There truly is no “one” way to get there.  But I do understand that we can each get there, by just being true to ourselves.  Being you . . . the real you . . . IS your map and compass.  I can help shine light on things, and I can wear a path between here and there to try and make it MUCH easier for you than it was for me and others.  But the actual walking of your path, is completely your choice and your responsibility.

When you’ve reached a point of opening, where you’ve learned to let go of the past and forgive yourself and others for whatever has happened, where you’ve learned how to be at peace with what is and not trying to make things how you think they are supposed to be, when you’ve come to peace with yourself and your life, furreals . . . not just pretending, really wishing you were, or for show . . . and have begun to learn true humility

. . . a magnificent shift begins to happen within you as this gate . . . as the lotus blossom within you begins to open.  It will feel like an actual unfolding and opening is happening within your lower body.  You will begin to feel such relief within yourself.  You’ll begin to understand and know intrinsically that everything is going to be alright . . . that you can let go of trying to control everything and everyone around you.  It will feel like you are taking your very first breath of fresh air.  You will not be able to stop yourself from feeling an immense welling of gratitude and love for all of it . . . everything . . . both in your personal life as well as the whole thing called life in general.  Things will begin to clear . . . you’ll start to understand things that never made sense before.  You’ll start to remember things you never knew you forgot.

I could go on and on.  There is no way to oversell it.  But you cannot reach it by forcing it into being or trying to pretend you’re there.  It just is.  It’s the reconciliation of duality and yet those things don’t go away.  You just learn what is needed and being asked for (and it can be anywhere on the map of polarity) in any given moment without effort, struggle, or judgment.

It is the most natural way of being there is.  All you’re really trying to do is remember your way back.

When that begins to happen (and it’s not necessarily linear . . . usually you’ll start popping in and out of it before you enter it fully and more permanently . . . like the tides coming in or when you’re bobbing up and down in the water), and the gold energy starts to be able to move all of the way through you uninhibited, then . . . that little golden wheel that was getting stuck in the birth canal, is able to be birthed into this physical world and expand and shine without limit.

The sun within (the solar plexus . . . and indeed it is our energetic gateway connection to our actual solar sun) is able to shine through us . . . we become the Sun.

George With Sunburst

Okay . . . so my solar plexus circle is showing a little high.  Eh. {shrug}  When you are in this state of being, your sense of being becomes huge.  You feel really big and open . . . and yet fully protected.  You have no need to prove anything.  You aren’t defensive.  You aren’t scared, in fact you feel calm and cared for.  You feel so much love coursing through every fiber of your being . . . that your “cup spilleth over” . . . you can’t help but let that golden energy spill out into the world around you without even doing anything.  It’s a force of nature all on its own.  The larger you shine, the more people that benefit just from being in its presence.  I want to say your presence . . . but it’s so much more than that.  It is A Presence.  You can’t help but LOVE the freaking bejeezers out of every single individual you come across . . . and feel such gratitude towards them for just EXISTING.

It’s the most beautiful way to experience life imaginable.  It’s everything a person ever wanted and more.  The ONLY thing I personally wanted more . . . was to somehow be able to give that experience to everyone else.  That’s my motive.  My hidden agenda.  I don’t want to be there alone.  I want every single one of you mother fuckers there with me.

So I’m not here to judge.  I don’t care what you’ve done.  I only care in the sense that it snags you up and prevents you from reaching personal genuine happiness and joy in life.  When I’m being blunt with people, it’s not because I’m unfeeling and insensitive (and so what if I am), it’s because I’m too aware of how small potatoes it is compared to what is waiting for you on just the other side of that door.  It’s more like . . . yeah, yeah, move it along . . . so we can get to the fucking pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  Put down that nasty jar of black tar shit you’ve been carrying around, pretending that’s who you are, and let’s get moving to the jars of pure golden honey that await you.  Seriously.

You Are Now That Which You Seek

Whatever it is you’ve been waiting for . . . whatever it is that you feel has been missing all along . . . it is now with you.

It’s time to become aware of its new presence within you.  It’s time to let it in.

Lost and Found

When I’m feeling lost and unsure . . .

And I stop long enough to pull within and get real with myself . . .

I am always taken back to the same place.

Back to a specific day when I was a little girl.

Sitting alone in The Big Park, under large towering trees . . . trying to find a four leaf clover and contemplating whether the ants I am watching . . . are aware that I’m there.  And am I an ant to someone much larger than me that I can’t see . . . simply because I’m unaware of them . . . .  followed by a few moments of staring up into the sky and *trying* to see if there is something I’ve missed the last hundred times I’ve stared into the sky.

And then I wanted to see leprechauns.  I believed in them.

Or I had.

But something was starting to nag at me.  I had started to doubt that they existed, because I never *actually* saw them.  And from how the big people here explain it . . . if you can’t see it, it doesn’t exist.  And that scared me.

The doubt had started to bug me so much, that it reached a boiling point that day.  For the first time in my short 7 year old life, I needed proof to help me continue to believe.  To keep my faith.  So I started talking out loud to the leprechauns I could sense and feel nearby.  I asked if they could please show themselves to me . . . that I promised I wouldn’t tell anyone of their existence . . . that they could trust me.

But they never appeared, even though I *knew* they were there.  They must not trust me.  I must not be a good enough person.

That was the day . . . the moment that something in me began to break, and I have never been the same since.  From that day forward, I began to feel more and more lost and alone.

Why?  Why is that the ONE scene from my whole.entire.life. that comes up every time I feel lost and I’m seeking answers within myself?

Because that is the day . . . I began to lose mySelf.

Doubting and losing my belief and faith in what I KNEW to be true in my heart, is when I began to become lost in this world.

That’s where it starts for us.  That’s where we lose our innocence and our sense of True Self.  That’s where we begin to lose our way home.  That’s when we begin to believe more and more in things that are NOT TRUE for us.

We try to protect the innocence in children, by sheltering them.  By trying to pretend that there are no bad monsters out there in the world.  And then stupidly, shove them out into the world full of monsters when they’re an adult . . . and tell them “welcome to the real world – suck it up, bub”.

That is some fucked up shit, people.

You protect innocence with wisdom, confidence, and belief in it.

Young kids are still in touch with what they know to be true in their Heart.  They have faith in the unseen.  They still believe in magic and fairies and unicorns.  And the world to them looks like a wonderland full of magical possibilities.  They still believe in themselves.

As we grow older, we are conditioned to believe and think that *none* of that is real.  None of it. And if none of that is true . . . then that means the magic part of them . . . the innocent part of them . . . isn’t real either.  So . . . they lose a very important part of themselves.  And then also told that there is NO mystery . . . there is NO unknown.  It can all be easily explained with math and science.

: (

Sorry.  That’s the “real world”.  You have to come to terms with it or suffer.

Well, you know what Mr. Fictitious *They* who doesn’t really exist, but still trys to tell all of us what to think and believe?

FUCK YOU and your hornless unicorn that you rode in on.

What is WRONG with me believing, really believing in magic?  Not just thinking it might be possible, but feeling again with my heart and soul all the way to my bones, in magic?

And not just magic like illusions or magic shows, No.  I’m talking about grabbing ahold of Tinkerbell and shaking the shit out of that fairy and green ass MAGIC fairy dust raining down on us.

Because here’s what I KNOW to be true with all my Heart – BELIEVING in the actual existence of those things . . . is what brought me JOY in this life.  It made me happy!  It didn’t make me just live with my head in the clouds, it made me feel wide open happy in love.  And it made me want to share it with everyone I met.

It made me – ME!  Without my feeling of belief and faith in those unseen things that I feel and know are there, I lose a big part of who I am.  And that PISSES ME OFF!

Because HOW can I be a happy, joyful, whole human being when I’m trouncing around the earth trying to PRETEND that those parts of me AREN’T REAL or DON’T EXIST?!?!?!  How?!

I can’t.

When I lost my belief in that world of magic and “make believe”, I lost myself . . . and I lost my way back home.  Back to the place that is my real home.

THIS place . . . is the place that isn’t real.  This is the bullshit place.  But we’ve all forgotten that it’s not furreals.

It’s been said that the devil fooled all of the world except the faithful.  And who has MORE faith and is the MOST in touch with their Heart?  Children.  And what’s the difference between adults and children?  Children still believe in our Real Home even if they can’t always see it, which is filled with warmth, love, and magic.

And do you wanna know what happens when you find your way back to that whole hearted belief in the things that you believed in when you were a kid?

The Real World . . . the Golden One . . . the one we all still miss and cry for in our sleep . . . . the one we had wrongfully stolen from us when we were younger. . . starts to reappear before our very eyes.

It’s all around you and with you no matter what you do.  Whether you’re at the grocery store, the office, at home cleaning a poopy diaper . . . it can be there.

And I DON’T mean, oh in your imagination or your mind’s eye.  I mean, LITERALLY.

However, you won’t have a CLUE what I’m talking about if you’re sitting there being smug or feeling like you know better than me.  Don’t be a douchebag.  Don’t cheat yourself or the happiness that could again be yours, because you’re too scaredypants to make a fool of yourself and even secretly inside of yourself let yourself pretend for a moment that maybe . . . . maybe there really are unicorns . . . maybe . . .

O.O

Or dragons.  Omg.  I just know there are dragons.  They hide within the clouds and they watch over us.

Or leprechauns . . . who can’t show themselves here in the fake world posing as a real world.  The closest they can come while you’re pretending to not be magical . . . is in your dreams . . . where you’re actually closer to their home.

But seriously.  Both worlds are very similar in appearance, so here’s how you know which one you’re currently in:

If you feel cold, lost, alone, scared . . . and the world seems dim . . . and like someone has put a gray or steel filter over your eyes . . . you are not believing.  You are bittering.  That’s where old people smell comes from.  The lack of belief in a world of magic and miracles . . . is what ages us and makes us bitter.  It’s what makes things in our body feel painful and it’s what makes us feel old.  L.i.t.e.r.a.l.l.y.  It’s something that is ACTUALLY released in our bodies when we are shut down and no longer believe or have faith in our Real World (that, at risk of repeating myself, isn’t this one that we’ve been led to believe is real)

But you can instantly feel a difference and relief in yourself when you let go of thinking it’s foolishness or just for children . . . when you start to feel safer, warmer, loved/loving, compassionate, caring, stronger . . . and like someone just put a filter of gold over your eyes.  Plus, you become sweeter . . . more youthful . . . more full of life and wonder.  Like the bitterness, it’s actually something that gets released into your body.  More joy seeps into you effortlessly.  Life starts to feel good again, DESPITE the crazy ass bullshit going on around you and in the world.  It’s like armor for the heart and soul.

This is something YOU have control over.  You GET to feel and believe in whatever the fuck you want!  You don’t have to quit being a responsible adult and taking care of your family just because you want to believe in pots of gold at the end of the rainbow.  Just stop giving a fuck what other people think about what you believe, because ultimately it’s YOU that has to pay the price for what you believe or don’t.  Here, I’ll start if off.  (Because for the first time in my entire adult life, I have FOUND something I feel is truly, truly worth fighting for, and that’s the right to believe in Real Golden Love and Magic again.)

I am a very responsible working professional.  I am also a mom to a teenage boy.  Taking care of my family, home, and self are very important to me and I take it very seriously.  I am 36 years old.  And I still believe in Fairytales and goddamn Unicorns (Especially ones that get on video conference calls with horses at the office.  It was just a coincidence that it was Halloween).

Watcha gonna do about it, punk?

Now, time for some sweet dance moves : )