Jumping Back Into Life With My Party Of One!

The soundtrack for today’s post:

I Lived by One Republic

I’m currently sitting at the car dealership getting new tires put on my car.  {Transferring money from savings to checking AGAIN for the hundredth time this month.  %^@!*?%  <– can’t put hashtags in my “swear” words anymore . . . it tries to make it a *thing*.

So anyways, on the long ass drive to my appointment this morning I was contemplating my existence (also for the hundredth time this month).  It was more of the “what am I doing?” . . . feeling like I’m missing or not getting something.  That scratch you can’t itch.

Letting stuff float through my mind.  “Nope.  That’s not it.  Nope.  Nope.  Already been down that road thoroughly and nope.”

Sitting in the long line to get onto 520, an energetic dance song came on my shuffled music.  I started bopping to it, my ponytail swishing.  Now, understand that normally, I’m too self conscious to do something like this while stopped in traffic.  I mean I’m *stuck* next to these people for at least 15 minutes . . . it can get awkward.

But something in me is SO tired of everything, that I’ve worn down the strict-disciplined-always-follows-the-rules inner Parent that has always been there to stop me from making a total ass of myself.  My inner child was like “I DO WHAT I WANT! YOU DON’T OWN ME!” and gave into the dance.

I think the key difference for me that separates this from all of my other minor rebellions, is that I truly did not feel subconscious about what I was doing.  I just felt the need to bring the fun and party to where I was.  Right there.  In my car.  Party of one.

And I felt comfortable in my skin with what I was doing.  I smiled.

I felt something start to well up in me.  A new resolve.  It’s time to change.

I’m a motherfluffin Gemini.  Do you know what the ONE thing is that I should have mountains of?  (And that doesn’t even include the effect of *expands everything it touches* Jupiter that is conjunct my sun).

Friends.

Everywhere I go, I should have friends.  Friends coming out of my ears.

But I’ve been sitting around being a pussy about being super sensitive and empathic.  “Oh I need time to myself, I can’t.”  And not to dismiss my own actual needs, yeah I need down time . . . but so what?  So what about that?  Being so guarded and protective of myself, all I’ve managed to do is isolate myself.

I tell myself I don’t want to get involved in drama.  Or maybe I even have a fear that by having friends I’ll create karmic debt and then I’ll never get off this fuckin’ carnival ride.  I don’t know!

But sitting in my car this morning, all I knew was this.  Without friends and personal relationships, life for me is meaningless.  It’s all the people in my life and the interaction with them that makes life worth it for me, and I’ve gone and cut myself off from everyone.

There’s reasons.  I had healing to do, I had to get my own shit together, and all that.  Again, I don’t want to dismiss the process I needed to go through.  But what I do want to acknowledge, is that obviously that time for me is over.  There’s a powerful force inside me that is ready to get out there and get my hands dirty with life.

I want my current friends to know how much they mean to me, and I want to make new friends where ever I go.  I want to turn that party of one into a party of everyone!

So I ninja’d a bunch of my friends this morning.  Texted, left messages in Facebook.  Not all my friends, trying to wade into the pool slowly.  The first response I got back on my phone was “Sweet!  Who is this?”  :/

Actually, it was more like LOL!  Because yes!  That’s exactly it!  I’ve totally disappeared from everyone’s life, so what else could I expect?

I’m giving myself a new challenge in life.  I’m going to learn how to be a friend.  I’m going to learn how to be the first to reach out to others.  I’m going to learn how to be open and invite others to join the party.  I’m going to challenge myself to stop being so self conscious and holding myself back.

In fact, while sitting here in the waiting room and listening to the song from One Republic on my headphones . . . I let myself enjoy music the only way I know how, and that is to dance in one form or another.  I’m the master of seat dancing.  I’m not even thinking anymore “I wonder if they think I’m crazy.”  I’m just thinking, “Yay! Yay! Yay! <tap> <tap> <tap>.”  It makes it feel like the room is coming to life . . . it’s AWESOME.

You know, I’ve *always* wanted life to be more like a musical, where it was acceptable to break out into inspired song and dance.  And who knows . . . maybe I want it to be that way so bad because it has something to do with what I have to offer.

So, if you get some random text or message from someone and you’re trying to figure out who the hell is sending you random hugs and high fives.  Don’t worry, it’s probably just me . . . jumping back into life!

Gemini – The Inner Child

“Hello darkness my old friend . . . ”

Just kidding!  The Sun is currently in Gemini, bitches!

Having a Sun/Jupiter conjunction in Gemini, I have a personal affection for this sign.

Sun Jupiter Conjunct

There’s a lot of trash talk out there regarding Gemini, so I’d like to put in my two cents regarding my own personal experience with the sign of the Twins.  If you’re looking for the typical regurgitated list of keywords regarding what Gemini is . . . then move along little doggy, because this isn’t what you’re looking for.

When I’m first learning something, yes . . . I use keywords.  But then I immediately want to understand how it actually looks, feels, sounds like in real life.  It might have something to do with my Sun/Jupiter being located in the 2nd house that is naturally ruled by Taurus . . . an Earth sign.  Let’s ground that shit.

The Sun is currently in Gemini (end of May- most of June), which means my birthday is coming up.

Sherbert

Let’s see . . . where do I start . . .

I know!  Let’s start with how the energy of Gemini feels.

On a warm summer day.  You’re out in a field of flowers, maybe on a mountain side.  The sky is clear blue.  And then a gentle, refreshing summer breeze comes through and makes you come to life!  Ahhh!  Life is good!

Gemini is that summer breeze.  It’s playful, child-like, smiling, and goes all ‘Sound of Music’ on your ass.  It’s a vibrant color of yellow.  Not pale yellow, not neon yellow . . . but Full of Life Yellow!  Yay!

Gemini reminds us not to take life SO Serious!  O.O

Serious Cat

Laugh once in awhile for god’s sake.

I view the zodiac as a framework for understanding different working energies in the universe and that each serves a purpose.  Each has a spectrum of ways it could manifest from the “I’m brand new to this shit and don’t know what the hell I’m doing” or less mature side, to the “I’ve swam these waters for millennia and I totally know what’s up and I do it well” or more mature side.

I also understand that there aren’t necessarily “opposites” to each sign . . . but a polarity.  Each sign has it’s polarity on it’s opposing side.  If you want to better understand any one sign, you need to also understand the opposing sign.  For Gemini that is Sagittarius.  But more on that later.

Gemini.  Gemini likes . . . nay . . . NEEDS to label things.  “What’s this?”  “What about this?”  “What’s that called?”  Gemini is the universe’s label maker.  It doesn’t want an in-depth description about whatever *it* is.  Curious by nature, Gemini isn’t looking to pass judgment or to use it later for manipulative purposes . . . it just wants a name to call it by.  So later when Gemini is with their friends they can share what they learned with them.

Gemini loves to share.  Not-so-grown up Gemini will gossip like no other.  If you have a secret you want to be kept a secret . . . pssst . . . here’s a secret . . . DON’T tell an immature Gemini.  It’s not because they’re trying to be mean . . . there is a very real compulsion in the Gemini energy to *share*.  To share experiences, share stories, share information . . . connect and share . . . connect and share.

Social Media?  {Insert evil little kid laugh here}  That is so.Gemini.  O.M.G.  I can’t even.

When we’re little kids, we learn by mimicking those around us.  Gemini is that little kid.  Trying to learn and take in as much information about their immediate environment as possible and share what they learn with others.  And just like a kid, they can be unpredictably moody.  Giggles and sunshine one minute, death stare and DOOM the next.  The Twins.

Making connections.  Not just with others, but also between things.  Because Gemini tends to skim a wide swath of topics in an attempt to satisfy their curiosity,  they can also potentially start to see connections between things that the less curious (boring) person might not notice.

Gemini, being an air sign (hello light breeze), is more of an intellectual sign.  It’s not about feelers or emotions.  It’s not trying to save the goddamn world.  That doesn’t come until much later in the zodiac process, with the air sign of Aquarius.  Gemini is just trying to observe and understand things as they are.

Language and communication is a big thing with Gemini.  Also with Virgo because both are ruled by Mercury, the planet of communication.  My son is a Virgo (Sun & Moon).  So I’ve tried to understand what the differences are between the signs because they very much behave in parallel with each other.  It can get a little confusing.

What I’ve observed so far (in my awesome Gemini superhero ways) is that Gemini tends to process information by being outwardly verbal about it.  Virgo (an Earth sign) tends to process information more internally . . . and using more actual senses than Gemini.  Virgo is more practical.  Gemini is head in the clouds.  Thank GOD I have Mercury in Taurus or I’d be a complete space cadet with how the rest of my chart is.

Both Virgo and Gemini tend to be more aware of details.  But Virgo can stay in the details on something specific for a long time.  Gemini is like fuck that.  After 2.5 seconds, Gemini is bored with the topic and moving on.  My son has been learning all of the details and surrounding details regarding making his own digital music.  I’ve seen the program.  He has put in years of his life understanding what each little nobby thing does if he tweaks something this way or that way.  He spends his own money that he’s saved up patiently (he’s a Taurus rising) on textbooks regarding the history of digital music and on music theory.

He blows my mind.  How in the hell do you keep studying all those insanely intricate controls and doo-dads in that program month after month?  I would lose my goddamn mind.  *That’s* a real life example of the difference between a Gemini and a Virgo.

BTW, what I mean by *details* for Gemini, is what I call clue pieces.  At any given time I’m holding virtually in my mind, any and all loose end pieces of information that don’t quite make sense to me or fit in with anything.  My own personal virtual web of ‘WTFs?’ that the jury is still out on.  As I continue to learn new things, sometimes I hit upon new information that *pings* one of my ‘WTF?’ files, and starts to fill in the missing blanks of me understanding something.

Short tangent here.  I always assumed that Virgo would be the type to love actual jigsaw puzzles, because . . . detail.  Look at all the detail you have to focus on.  Smorgasbord of detail.  But you know what?  All of the people in my life with prominent Virgo energy (that I’ve bothered to ask) cannot seem to tolerate jigsaw puzzles.  They approach them like their hair is going to catch fire.  I, on the other hand, LOVE jigsaw puzzles.  OMG they are the best.  And any friends that I’ve ever had who likes puzzles like I do . . . Gemini.

Board games.  <– Gemini says yes.  But expect this if things don’t go how we like:

flipping tables

That’s how I end monopoly games.

So now’s probably a good time to bring up the opposing side of Gemini, which is Sagittarius.  I equally LOVE Sagittarius.  But that’s probably to do with my Moon and Neptune being there.

Gem Sag Axis

Even if you can’t read the symbols, I’m sure you can guess that the little crescent moon shape is . . . the moon.  :O  The trident next to it is Neptune.

Sagittarius is the ‘higher education’ portion of the zodiac.  Gemini, cute little school kid . . . Sagittarius, the person working on their PHD.  Gemini = Knowledge . . . Sagittarius =Wisdom.  Gemini = Concrete observation . . . Sagittarius = Abstract concepts.  Gemini = pieces or *clues* about this and that . . . Sagittarius = the bigger picture.

For me personally, Sagittarius is about the Higher Truth.  Sagittarius also rules belief, religion, prophecy, and zealotry.  Here you can get someone who is pretty sure they know the truth and omg are they going to let you know all about it.  But just as in all signs . . . there is the immature/mature expression.

With my Neptune/Moon there . . . I *feel* truth in my own personal feelings and emotions.  However, I have to make sure I’m being brutally honest with myself and always practicing discernment, but that doesn’t mean I’m always succeeding because I’m currently stuffed into a human body and shit happens.

So my Gemini goes on clue hunts and picks up bits and pieces of information from all over, and my Sagittarius ponders and feels them out.  The stuff that hits the *true* vibe stays, the rest is thrown into a bag of NOPE.  However, I do keep the bag of NOPE around because sometimes when I’m really stuck on a problem I have to go through that bag of NOPE and see if I didn’t accidentally throw something out that I actually need.

I’m a data hoarder.

Where Gemini has it’s tentacles scattered out to the four winds, Sagittarius zooms me in to a single focus and helps me recollect myself.  Gemini is like a web crawler that goes out searching for information, and Sagittarius is like the search engine that allows me to search for something specifically.  Sagittarius allows me to zoom up real high and look at the bigger picture to help me understand why maybe my clue pieces aren’t fitting right.

Hence, why I LOVE puzzles.  Little pieces making up the one picture.  Plus, it’s temporary.  I get a new one . . . I have new colors to dig through and sort.  A new picture to aim for (So Sag, aiming for a single target) using the little pieces (Gemini).  Once it’s done, I usually take a deep sigh (and then a picture) . . . and then I tear that shit apart and throw it back in the box and go get another puzzle . . . with all new colors and . . .

Point being, it’s a fun way to exercise that axis of my chart.  Keep my observational skills sharpened as well as keeping the transition from bigger picture to details and back to bigger picture nice and flexible.  It’s my version of “lifting weights”.  Feels goooood.

Also, Sagittarius wants to find meaning in things.  It’s always in the pursuit of Truth.  Philosophizing.  “Yes, but what does it all mean!?”  And that helps my superficial Gemini a lot.  Basically this axis of my chart, with the planets being in the signs and houses that they are, is all about understanding reality . . . both here and the other side of the Veil.  It’s like my whole expression of being is bent on finding, learning, understanding this reality and the reality after we die and connecting the two together.  What is real here . . . okay and what is real there . . . okay . . . now what do both have in common . . . is this a universal truth or something that is only true for now?  And why?  But how come?

Okay.  There’s so much more I could say about Gemini, but you know . . . we all have lives to get back to and what not.  So . . . go be free . . . be free my little butterflies!  Enjoy the Sun in Gemini time!  Be silly, giggle, get an ice cream cone, watch cartoons, frolick, have fun with friends, play pretend, build a cushion fort, be mischievous!

Shrubbery

 

What Searches Are Being Done Online For Your Zodiac Sign?

Okay, so I was totally having some fun and doing that thing where you type in the start of a search phrase, and it shows you the top searches that fill in the rest of the phrase.  More specifically, I was doing it for the zodiac signs  “Why are {zodiac sign} so . . . ” and I had to share with you guys.

So here’s what the world is wanting to know about each zodiac sign according to bing.

ARIES

Aries

LOL . . . omg, I was already cracking up at Aries.  Why are they so mean in relationships?  Hot for scorpio men?  I had no idea that was some people’s views.  This was already proving to be a good idea as far as I was concerned.

TAURUS

Taurus

So far, it seems that what motivates people to do a search for someone other than themselves, is when something is wrong or bad . . . or hot.  Not seeing a whole lot of why are {zodiac sign} so AWESOME!

GEMINI

Gemini

Okay, so as a Gemini . . . this is both insightful and HILARIOUS to me.  Also, so far 3/3 for people wanting to know why each zodiac is so “mean”.  Sounds like a human problem vs a zodiac sign problem.

CANCER

Cancer

Okay, 4/4  for “mean”.  And . . . carnal?  Really?  What an odd vocabulary choice.

LEO

Leo

Mean, mean, everywhere mean.  A cold Leo gives me a sad.  So does a “difficult to love” Leo.  As a fire and the ruler of the heart, a lack of those in a Leo is a wilted flower.  : (

VIRGO

Virgo

Oh Virgo . . . you are not spared in the ever growing list of mean.  But you have annoying and manipulative to keep you company.  So that’s cool.

LIBRA

Libra

LOL . . . OMG, I totally busted out laughing when I saw “evil”.  The first of the zodiac signs to get that honor, and in the sign of the diplomat and peacemaker.  Priceless.

SCORPIO

Scorpio

Sorry Scorpio, but Libra already took the evil title.  You’ll also be happy to know that you share the label of complicated (complex) . . . along with your “favorite” sign of Gemini.  But guess what you do have all for yourself so far . . . lonely.  Awww.  : (

SAGITTARIUS

Sag

Okay, here we go . . . words like lucky and funny!  Leave it up to optimistic and lucky Sagittarius to break the cycle of doom and gloom.  (But still mean.)

CAPRICORN

Capricorn

Awww . . . poor insecure and sad Capricorn.  I see so many traits for Cancer which is the other side of the axis from Capricorn.

AQUARIUS

Aquarius

LOL!  So specific, “mean to pisces”.  The first zodiac sign to be called out for being mean to a specific zodiac sign.  And sexual?  Are you f#cking kidding me?  Bwahahahahaha.  No.

PISCES

Pisces

Oh I see . . . so people are seeing Pisces as being so different and weird and that pisses off Aquarius who wants to be the unique and different one . . . so they’re mean to Pisces.  Now it makes more sense.  ; )

So what I’ve learned from this is that being mean has to do with the person . . . not their zodiac sign.  I’ve also learned that people are much more focused on finding out what’s wrong with people than what’s right with people.  So what we’re actually seeing is a mix of the shadow side of these signs, as well as people assigning all of a person’s traits to a single zodiac sign (most likely their sun sign), AND their own projections onto others which really has nothing to do with the sign they’re searching.

But the result is both hilarious and priceless!

Reporting Live From The Top Of The Rollercoaster

So the day has finally arrived.  dun Dun DUN! O.O

Transiting Uranus . . . is exactly conjunct my Ascendant.

Asc. 9 degrees 18 minutes? Check.  Uranus 9 degrees 18 minutes?  Check.

Asc. 9 degrees 18 minutes? Check. Uranus 9 degrees 18 minutes? Check.

{Why is she making such a goddamn big deal about this?}

I’ll tell you why . . . because it’s like trying to birth the ACTUAL planet of Uranus THROUGH my little human body.  And the labor has been going on for months.  I’m pooped out, but the universe is screaming at me to “PUUUUSSSSSHHHHHH!” this insanely chaotic energy through my being and to just *suddenly* be different.

Illustration helps move the story along (said some wise co-worker of mine in response to one of my novel length emails.)  So today I shall add lots of pictures.

There’s how I (may) appear on the outside to others during this transit.  And then there’s what is really going on inside.

Right now it feels like I’m at the top of a rollercoaster.  A rollercoaster that I don’t remember asking to get on.  A rollercoaster that is so high up, I have to have an oxygen mask on in order to breathe.  And I’m *jusssst* now reaching the tippety top . . . and getting my first view of what lays before me.

I’m not *quite* centered and ready for what’s coming, but I have no control over the situation.  Whether I’m ready and centered or not is irrelevant.  The universe has a schedule to keep, tick tock Ms. Jenn . . . . tick tock.

So there’s my inner child.  She’s looking around her to try and pickup from other’s reactions whether she should be terrified or just go with it.  Currently she’s doing this:

How little girl me feels about it.

How little girl me feels about it.

Next, is my Saturn . . . my inner parent and responsibility advisor extraordinaire.  Saturn is trying to apply the brakes, but realizing that someone greased them . . . and there’s nothing he can do about it right now.  So he’s applying the brake energy where it will be put to good use, and is in a constant state of trying to keep me from doing this:

How my natal Saturn feels about it.

How my natal Saturn feels about it.

But at the SAME time, my Sun/Jupiter in Gemini is looking around to see what fun we could have while we’re here and strapped in for the ride:

What my Gemini wants to do.

What my Gemini wants to do.

Except then there’s Pluto, the dark lord of the underworld, who is in opposition to transiting Uranus on my ascendant.  He’s also still holding a grudge over being demoted from full planet status, and has been plotting to take down the other planets.  So, he’s quietly whispering threats into my ear that nobody else can hear:

The pressure I'm feeling from Pluto.

The pressure I’m feeling from Pluto.

Which triggers all that terrorizes me inside, and nobody else can see:

What I'm now perpetually doing 24/7 in my head.

What I’m now perpetually doing 24/7 in my head.

And then there’s the star of the show, Uranus.  He’s like, “Guys!  Guys!  Guys.  Come on.  Keep cool.  It’s cool.  There’s no need to lose your head.  Just let me do my thing, and it will all be okay.  What?  Oh . . . the people coming at you?  Oh, you mean the people running and screaming in your wake?  Pffffft.  That’s nothing . . . don’t worry about them.  You’re not being weird or chaotic AT ALL.  Let them deal with their own stuff.  It’s not your fault they can’t handle your awesome.  We’re just going to loosen some things that have become stuck, that’s all.  Nothing major. {Stifled laugh.}

What Uranus wants to do.

What Uranus wants to do.

So yeah.  That’s happening.

What it means, is that I’m currently under radical construction.  I’m learning a new way of existing in my life.  And like a kid I’m having to try this out and that out, and it’s all going to be weird and awkward as I adjust and learn how to be this new thing.

While Uranus was transiting through my 12th house, he went through and cleaned out my closet.  He went through there like a goddamn tornado.  A 10+ year tornado.  Ripping up stuff I didn’t even know existed in there.  I don’t KNOW where that god-forsaken ugly green shag rug came from, Uranus, okay?!  Just . . . get rid of it.  God.

And while I’m actually looking forward to have him leave my closet finally, and ending my decade of hyper-sensitive oh-my-god-there-is-acid-running-through-my-veins-it-burns-it-burns-oh-no-that’s-just-Uranus-entering-Aries-while-still-in-my-12th-house-and-pumping-fire-electricity-adrenaline-through-my-entire-body-nonstop-and-forcing-a-new-self-awareness-in-order-to-survive reclusiveness . . . I’m feeling kind of iffy about what he’s going to do to my house of Self.

My suspicion is that I’m just going to be taking all of the things I learned while he was in my 12th house, and start personifying those lessons.  Bring those new ideas he planted in me all those years ago, and start showing and sharing them to others.  That’s my hunch.

So love me or hate me or don’t.  (Wait, what?)  Having gone through Uranus’s version of purification while he was in my 12th (and Pluto’s jaunt across my MC), I have a lot less . . . fear in me.  Things that used to trip me the hell out and cause me to go running and screaming to the nearest shelter . . . now has me going. “Eh.”  And not because I’m jaded or have given up, but because I was given perspective.

We (I) have been taking ourselves (myself) WAY to seriously.  There is serious stuff happening, yes.  But if you’re scared or stressed TOO much . . . you need to zoom out.  You need to expand and see from a much, much bigger perspective.  You can always zoom out further.  If you’re already out in space (also moi), then you need to zoom in.  You need to get more in touch with the details and day-to-day.  Get in body, get grounded . . . s l o w  d o w n.  Not everything you do is as important or as urgent as you’ve led yourself to believe.  It’s just not.

What does that last paragraph have to do with the rest of this post?  Nothing.  That’s what.