I haven’t been myself for awhile now. I find myself and break surface, treading water, gulping in fresh air. Then promptly get yanked back under. A lifetime struggle of trying to swim towards the surface sparkling with warm sunshine, while wrestling with ten ton weights on my feet.
Always I find that the weight weighing me down are lies . . . smokescreens . . . illusions that I’ve convinced myself are true. And also always, I find that I believe them because for whatever reason, I have been unable to accept the Truth.
I have found for myself that healing . . . true healing . . . is a tricky beast. On the verge of finding great joy and peace, I have literal nightmares during the night where I find myself face to face with my worst fears.
But when I’ve had enough . . . when I’m done being afraid . . . truly, truly done . . . worn down and exhausted from the fight . . . something other than fear rises up in me.
I stop running from it. I stop rejecting it. I stop trying to change or control it. I instead accept it . . . embrace it . . . I allow it to be a possible truth or reality in my world and I allow myself to be okay in the same space. It being true, does not have to mean that I cannot find peace and happiness. Both can coexist in the same world.
Because the Truth is, I will always be okay. In the end, I will always be okay.