5am Floor Revelations

I tend to get up at the crack of dawn (5am) so that I have time each day just for me.  It’s quiet because no one else is crazy enough to get up that early on purpose.  It’s when I do my writing, contemplation, meditation . . . just whatever it is that feels good for me.

So this morning was spent laying face down in the carpet with me questioning just how important “me time” really is, when I felt an emotional block suddenly give in me and a whole new world reopened within me.

It came as a sneak attack single thought, “I get to feel whatever I’m feeling.”

In the moment of surprise, before brain was able to interrupt, I saw a flash of insight on just how important this was for me.  If I am feeling something, even if it goes against everything I think I know . . . even if it seems like a “bad” feeling that I shouldn’t (or don’t want to) have . . . I NEED to let myself still feel it.

When I try to pretend I don’t feel something because I’ve either made a snap judgment about it, or feel like others would misunderstand, the feeling doesn’t go away . . . it just becomes repressed.  I just numb the feeling.  Pretend it’s not real.  Which is telling myself that it’s not okay to feel it.  That I’m wrong or bad to feel it.  Except that no matter what I want or don’t want, the feeling is still there regardless.

How will I ever understand why I’m feeling it or what it means if I refuse to even allow myself to have it?  Every time I have followed a feeling, it’s rarely meant or been as big of a deal as I first thought it would be.  But when I repress it . . . down the road it explodes out of me and THEN it does become a big deal, usually involving casualties.

Here’s a scenario to help illustrate what I mean.

Let’s say there is a married couple.  Marie and George.  They’ve been together for many years and they are a very loving, committed couple.  But then one day, Marie is at her weekly book club, and a new guy joins the group.  They make introductions and everything is cool.  She doesn’t think anything of it.

However, the next day, Marie finds that her thoughts keep going to the new man she met.  And when she does think of him, she feels things . . . things she shouldn’t be feeling towards another man . . . because she’s married.  She would never dream of cheating on George.  So she can’t feel those feelings.  She’s not one of *those* women.  (<–judge much?)  So she refuses to let herself acknowledge or feel those feelings.  She makes them leave her head.

That’s how simple repression is.

Now, back to my early morning floor revelation.  From the perspective I had this morning, Marie should instead honor her feelings.  Take some space and time for herself, and let herself feel into the feelings without trying to make them right or wrong.  Instead of immediately jumping to the conclusion that having those feelings means it will lead to an affair, let the feelings have a chance to express why they are there at all.  What are they trying to tell Marie?

To take it one step further, George, as her committed and loving partner . . . should be someone that she is able to safely talk to about what she is feeling without either person feeling threatened, shutting down, or having a meltdown.  It should be a safe space.  That’s how you build real trust.

There should be an understanding, that while they are a committed couple . . . they are *still* individuals within a partnership, and EACH are entitled to have and experience their very own feelings without it meaning it’s the end of the world or throwing accusations, blame, or fault.

Let’s say George is that kind of partner, and Marie feels safe enough to discuss it with him.  She lets him know that she recently met a man in her book club, and that she was feeling an attraction to him and it’s concerning her that she’s feeling that.  George, in all his wisdom, understands that Marie is trusting and opening up to him . . . and that in itself is a good sign of how strong their relationship is, so he let’s her know that he’s there to listen and help her understand her feelings.

Now Marie is feeling safe and supported in her feelings, and feels okay to explore what’s actually going on in her feelings with him.  Maybe after having an open conversation with George, each expressing their own feelings about it, they both discover together that Marie has been feeling a little neglected by George because he’s had to work some extra hours at the office.  It doesn’t have to be anyone’s fault . . . it just is what it is.

But now, by openly communicating and trusting each other, they’ve both become aware of it and can work together to help meet the needs of both.

At her next book club, Marie finds that the pull isn’t so strong with the new man, because she feels very loved and supported by her current partner and has no wish or desire to disrupt that.  The guy still looks hot . . . but he’s not George.  ; )

We have feelings for a reason.  They tell us what’s what.  They tell us when something is wrong . . . they tell us when something is right.  It is because of them that we get to feel love.  It is because of them that we get to feel joy and happiness.  And yes, they are also what allows us to feel grief, sorrow, and pain.

But if you ignore, avoid, and repress the ones you don’t like or understand because you don’t want to deal with what they’re trying to tell you, then you will also start to lose the ability to feel the good ones.  Feelings come from our heart.  They need to be felt and they need to be honored.  Unless you’re a robot.  Then carry on.

Not many people are fortunate enough to have someone in their life that they can be this open and trusting with, and that’s truly a shame.  But you can start with yourself.  Let yourself feel whatever it is you’re feeling.  The more controversial, the better.  It’s kind of like hearing the juiciest gossip about someone you know really well, (“No.way.  No she didn’t.  O.O  Shut the front door!  That slut!”) except it’s about yourself.

But no matter how guilty or shameful you think any of your feelings are . . . you get to feel them.  That is your God-given right.  They are yours to feel, have, and acknowledge.

What I think is most important to understand about this, is that you have the right to have these feelings AND you should still be able to expect to be accepted, supported, and loved by trusted others in your life even if they differ from their own feelings.  And if they’re truly worthy of someone’s trust, they will.

Some may need patience and time to learn a new way of being.  And a role model to know what it looks like in practical use.  You can be that person.

Now, if you'll excuse me . . . I have some things to do

Now, if you’ll excuse me . . . I have some things to do

Been Feeling a Little Sensitive Lately?

I have so far made a conscious effort to keep Astrology out of my posts, because it can be off-putting to people.  But I feel like it now.  (Key word here is *feel*.)

We have a big pile of planets that have moved over into Cancer, having just come over from Gemini where the emphasis has been for a while now (a little over a year).

Gemini is an air sign, meaning it’s focus is the mind or intellect.  Gemini makes connections to things.  (I’m a Gemini Sun… I intellectually make connections between things.)  It’s also known for being the social butterfly, it’s about multi-tasking, flitting here and there and everywhere.  It’s also about communication and all the means of doing so.  It’s  about your immediate environment and community and the things you do within it.  It’s basically, the epitome of our current culture of social media.

Now. . . comes the energy of Cancer.  And you’ve most likely noticed a kind of shift recently, but didn’t (or couldn’t) attribute it to anything really.  Maybe just a feeling that things feel different.  You are most likely experiencing, first hand, what it feels like when planets shift signs.

Cancer is ruled by the Moon (all signs are *ruled* by a planet. . . means they go together, in many ways represent each other).  Moon is our comfort, our past, our memories.  Moon typically represents our moms, nurturing, home life.  It’s our feelings.  (Oh NO!  Not those!!!!)

So in plain English, we’re moving from an energetic focus on the intellect/mind/thinking to one of feelings/sensitivity/emotions.  We’re going to be seeking/wanting comfort.  A lot of us will become more and more like homebodies.  We’ll be more interested in being at home and with our family, then going out to the club.

But the reason I bring it up is because Mercury, the planet of communication (Gemini is ruled by Mercury. . . so the things I mentioned above can be included in the understanding of Mercury) is in Cancer. . . and it’s about to go retrograde.

I’ll wait while everyone cracks their Mercury retrograde jokes.  : /

A planet going retrograde (Mercury isn’t the only one that does it, just the most frequent and obvious to us), means that we’re really close to the planet and from our viewpoint here on Earth, it *appears* to be going backwards as we pass each other.  You know, like when you’re sitting in a car or train. . . and the car or train next to you starts moving. . . and for a second you aren’t sure which of you is moving and in which direction?  It’s a little bit like that.

When that’s happening, there is an emphasis or more of an intensity in regards to that planet.  It’s like it is getting all up on us with a megaphone and booming into our ears. 

C R I N G E

Mercury retrograde in general can mean miscommunications, misunderstandings, delays in commute, issues with email, phones. . . even your data. (A shout out to all my data analysts out there. . . triple check your numbers!)  Expect delays.  Bring things to do when you go to appointments, because even if you happen to not be late yourself . . . the place may be running behind in appointments.

This mercury retrograde in particular, is in Cancer.  Us and our feelers.  Our comfort zones.  Cancer can be very sensitive, moody, closed off.  But under that crab shell is a big, old, loving softy (you will totally want to keep that in mind during this time).  This means, the misunderstandings and miscommunications are going to be focused around our feelings and emotions. People are most likely going to be more touchy, defensive, emotional, sensitive than usual.  I’m guessing some hurt feelings are going to be involved.

One thing retrogrades are great for, is in going back and clearing up anything that got missed the first time the planet went through that area.  So, the things we’ve just had happen with where Mercury just went through in the sky. . . now is our chance to re-do.  Do it again, but this time, slow down and take your time to get it right.  It’s like getting a second chance, so take that opportunity.

If there’s confusion or misunderstanding currently under way, instead of going at it in the same manner you usually do, take this opportunity to take a time out. . . some deep breaths. . . and take a fresh or new approach.  The feeling coming to me regarding this is, give each other a break.  Stuff has most likely gotten fucked up recently as all these planets came crashing into Cancer after being in Gemini.  Mid-stride we went from thinking with our heads to thinking with our emotions and people are becoming emotional train-wrecks all over the place (and all things Gemini/Mercury have become a big pile of WTF?)

That is how we experience the planet’s influences in our day-to-day lives.  Everything is frequency and vibration (sound), including the planets.  Everything vibrates at its own frequency and sends that outward. . . and it inevitably interacts as those frequencies interact with other beings/planets/etc.  Something does not go uninfluenced when the vibrations of one entity interact with the vibrations of another entity.  

Saying the planets have no influence on us, is like saying humans interacting with other humans have no impact on any of us.  Silly rabbit.

Each planet has its own frequency. . . and with thousands of years observation (among other things), we’ve gotten a pretty good idea of how each planet’s frequency feels or responds when interacting with Earth and her peeps.  And they cycle over and over. . . and when you are paying attention to it. . . you are able to start seeing the connections with how you’re experiencing life, and what’s happening in the heavens. . . and that they *do* correlate.  And as an analyst, when it really hit home for me one day how very, VERY much they correlate. . . well. . . it was a very Cancer/Moon-like moment.  = )

I have a huge emphasis of Gemini/Mercury and Moon energy in my natal chart.  You see how much I write! (very Gemini), but also how emotional I can be (very Moonish).  Gemini’s themselves are moody creatures, flinging from sunshine and bubblegum to evil incarnate all in one hour.  So adding the Moon emphasis, was a little bit of an overkill from the universe in my opinion.  (And made that extra fun with Neptune being conjunct my moon. . . . but that’s a story for another day).

However, I bring that up because this energy and transition we’re in, going from Gemini to Cancer. . . is one that I’ve been trying to find a balance with my whole life. . . so I completely get how crazy the world at large may be feeling within in.  Trying to get your mind and feelings to play nice with each other is completely counter-intuitive.  It causes a kind of compartmentalizing.

If I’m thinking. . . my feelings are cut off so that I can remain objective.  If I’m feeling my feelings, I can’t be thinking straight.  It’s like a switch that goes between the two. . . but never both at the same time.

Thinking —-> Feelings – NO!

Feelings—–> Thinking – NO!

It’s tricky. . . but. . . you CAN do both.  It feels like walking on a tightrope going across the Grand Canyon. . . but it can be done.  I’ve been practicing it during my posts.  In To Love and Be Loved. . . I experienced something completely amazing and very related to my emotions and feelings… like really, really down deep in them. . . and I ALSO was able to keep open enough to observe with my mind.  I was then able to write and communicate that experience, into a blog post.

That is an example of being able to do *both* of those things at once.  Observing, learning, writing, communicating, sharing = Gemini/Mercury and feelings/loved ones/memories/comfort/nurturing = Cancer/Moon.

So. . . maybe at this time it will be easier to write out what you feel instead of talking about what you feel.  It forces you to slow down.  You can go your own pace.  I know when I’m trying to communicate my real feelings… the ones deep down inside, I have to type really damn slow in order to not shut off to those emotions while in the middle of typing.  As soon as I quit feeling them. . . I stop and bring them back up and consciously/actively hold the space open for them to come through.  It will train and teach your body how you need to be in order to make space for both.

As you can see, my Gemini has gotten away from me and I’m writing a novel.  So I’ll wrap this up.

While Mercury, Venus, and the Sun (all currently in Cancer) won’t be in there for real long, Jupiter. . . the big dude. . . has also moved there – and he’ll be there for about a year.  So the influence isn’t going away for a bit.  Btw, Jupiter is a planet that *expands* where ever and whatever it’s in.  It’s a planet of blessings and opportunities.  But, there’s a thing as too much of something and that’s where Jupiter can cause some issues.  Case in point —> my natal Jupiter is conjunct (right next to each other. . . which kind of makes it one big ball of similar energy vs. two distinct energies) my Sun in Gemini.  What’s one problem I tend to run into when writing (a very Gemini activity)?  I can’t seem to stop!!!  Look at how long some of my posts go!!  

But it’s also a blessing (thanks, Jupiter) because it’s something I have a lot of, and has helped me learn *how* to write my deep feelings and *how* to be able to continue feeling them as I write. . . because I can’t help it.  I *must* communicate, I *must* share. . . and I feel emotions super strongly and often, so it was almost a guarantee that I’d learn how to make these two get along – otherwise I would self destruct.  I have had many, many ungraceful moments in my learning curve and I stick my foot in my mouth more than any one person should, and I’ve had to eat crow pie I don’t know how many times.   So it’s not been pretty, but it was kind of a guarantee.

{Awkward silence}

: D

Furreals.

Earthquakes, sinkholes, meteorites, political madness, taxes, downward spiral of the economy, unemployment, crop failures, tornadoes, hurricanes, volcanoes, landslides, dying trees, solar flares, unpredictable weather, animal die-offs, shifting magnetic field, radiation poisoning, warfare, nukes, people losing their minds, the cost of oil, stock markets, gun control, religious fervor, terrorism, ufo sightings. . .

I don’t know about you, but I’m all apocalypsed out.

And I hope you can forgive me, but I’m having a *moment*.

I’m just sick of it.  And I’m not talking about the chaos.  The chaos, I get.  But, what I *don’t* get, is how in the f#!ck do we all manage to keep going business as usual, as if nothing is happening.  How is that happening?!

I’m going to let you in on a little secret.  Something is going on.  Something on a global level.  AND.  We are not being told the truth about what it is.  You have to be feeling it by now.  I know I’m hyper-sensitive and all, but please tell me that you’re at least aware at some level that something is going on?

If you only believe what your 5 senses tell you, then you are going to continue to be more and more in the dark about the true nature of what is happening around us.  This is a great time to start getting comfortable and warm and fuzzy with your feelings, and get plugged back into your heart.  The only place that you’re going to find out the truth of what is happening, is by listening to your own inner guidance.  Because I can tell you right now, the amount of garbage information being spewed out in the world at the moment is only going to confuse the hell out of you.

And it’s also a great time to figure out what is truly, TRULY important to you, and start LIVING by those values.  Don’t just talk about what is important to you.  Live it.  Be bold.  Change.  Find the courage in yourself to be someone you can be proud of.

If you currently feel that something out “there” in the world is going to help fill that feeling of un-satisfaction in you, or heal your broken heart, or make you feel more complete, you are sadly mistaken.  And you are running out of time to change it.

Getting that promotion at work isn’t going to do it.  Making more money isn’t going to do it.  Even being able to pay your bills isn’t going to do it.  It isn’t about achieving or obtaining anything, it is a state of mind.  I’ve been homeless and starving as a single mom… more than once.  And yes, it was great to get some food… that totally helped… but even after having enough money to rent an apartment and put food in my shelves… it did not make me feel better about life or myself.  It did raise my spirits, yes.  But the hurt in me, that put me in an emotional place that resulted in me becoming homeless and starving, was still there even after I had a place to live and food to eat.

What is missing and what you are looking for is your heart and your soul.  You will not find that in a can of soup, let me tell ya.

Quit kidding yourselves.  It is time to wake the fuck up.

Of all of the stuff happening in the world right now, which will only continue to escalate. . . how much control do you have over it?  Can you single-handedly stop it?  Probably not.  Ok, then what scares you the most about it (and if you’re not feeling at least some concern, you might want to check your pulse).

What seems to be people’s main focus when faced with all of this, is death.  Either of themselves or of their loved ones.  Or of people trying to take their stuff or not having enough stuff to survive.  Or being helpless or hopeless to do anything at all.

You need to remember yourselves.  You need to remember what’s truly, truly important.  What can you take with you when you die?  Can you take your job title?  Your bank account?  Your house?  Your clothes?  If you can’t take it with you when you die. . . then it is of no lasting importance.

When you are in touch with yourself, your feelings, your heart, your soul – then you begin to lose your fear – because you begin to understand and feel, for yourself, that you are eternal.  Your consciousness does not die when you do.  There is much, much more to existence than this plane.  There *is* life after we leave here.  And there is contact between the two places.  But you have to be in touch with the part of yourself that you have been hiding or denying all this time.  Your loved ones that have gone before you, are still alive.  You *will* see them again.

When you start to remember, and feel it fully within your body, that you do not blink out of existence at the end of this life – then you begin to lose fear of what is happening in the world.  You begin to find your center and the peace within, even as chaos swirls around you. . . because you know that you and everyone you love. . . is forever.  This?  All of this on Earth?  It is but a temporary part of our existence.

And at the end of this life, whenever that may be, I can promise you. . . that you aren’t going to care about 90% of the stuff that has your panties in a bunch right now.  Being on time to meetings, spending that extra hour or two at work, having a big title, a full bank account. . . those things aren’t even going to register.  But living in your heart, being kind and open, being forgiving of yourself and others, slowing down to appreciate what is beautiful. . .THOSE are the things that will fill you with satisfaction at a life well lived.

I’m not saying that we’re all going to die suddenly.  I’m not saying that we aren’t.  I’m saying, it’s time to know what is really important in our lives and start living from there regardless of what happens, because that is the only place you’re going to be finding stable ground and sanity in the coming months and years.  And it takes time, practice, and patience to figure out what that means to a person and to put it into practice.

The more people that do it, the easier it is for others to do the same.  A ripple effect.

You don’t have to rip your world apart or quit your job.  It can be as simple as making different decisions on how you use your time.  Learn to say no.  Learn to ask for help.  Be honest with yourself.  Pay attention to your emotions.  If you respond in a strong emotion like  anger, it doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with *you*, it means that *something* is wrong and needs your attention.  Our emotions are like a thermometer of what’s going on with us behind the scenes, but they are not our identity.  Don’t be afraid to go in there and find out what the problem is under the hood when the maintenance light comes on, just don’t think that the maintenance light *is* you.

Love and feel warmth.

Feel through the illusion of this world, and live from where it’s real.

Giving the "I know you aren't trying to sneak a picture of me" look

Apathy and Irony

When my eyes popped open this morning, the first thing I was feeling was that I wanted to change everything in my room.  Stuff has been the way it is in my room for years.  However, once my brain had a chance to kick in, I was plagued by a million reasons that was *not* going to happen today (or maybe ever).

Awww, but how come? : (

The word that came to mind was, apathy.  In fact that word has been creeping into my thoughts and conversations more and more in the last week.  I know basically what it means, but anytime a specific word decides to make a repeated appearance in my life, I figure I better give it some love and look it up.

Dictionary.com http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/apathy  says:

ap·a·thy

[ap-uh-thee]
noun, plural ap·a·thies.

1.  absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement.
2.  lack of interest in or concern for things that others find moving or exciting.

Ok, so I knew it was an absence of passion, emotion, etc… but interesting about the suppression of it.  I can definitely identify with that.  I have an overabundance of all of those things.  But, for the most part, I don’t know how to utilize that energy effectively around others.  Combine that with a tendency towards trying to push the spotlight away from myself in a panic (ack! please don’t see me!), and you’ve got yourself a recipe for suppression. . . apathy.

Well, cool.  I mean, yeah, I can see why this word is making itself known to me.

Still curious so let’s see what wikipedia has to say about it http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apathy :

They may lack a sense of purpose or meaning in their life. He or she may also exhibit insensibility or sluggishness.

Huh. Ok, well, what else?

In 1950, US novelist John Dos Passos wrote: “Apathy is one of the characteristic responses of any living organism when it is subjected to stimuli too intense or too complicated to cope with.   The cure for apathy is comprehension.

I’m intrigued, go on.

Social origin

There may be other things contributing to a person’s apathy. Activist David Meslin argues that people often care, and that apathy is often the result of social systems actively obstructing engagement and involvement. He describes various obstacles that prevent people from knowing how or why they might get involved in something. Meslin focuses on design choices that unintentionally or intentionally exclude people. These include: capitalistic media systems that have no provisions for ideas that are not immediately (monetarily) profitable, government and political media (e.g. notices) that make it difficult for potentially interested individuals to find relevant information, and media portrayals of heroes as “chosen” by outside forces rather than self-motivated. He moves that we redefine social apathy to think of it, not as a population that is stupid or lazy, but as result of poorly designed systems that fail to invite others to participate.[5][6]

Well.  That’s not what I was expecting to find when I went to find the definition of apathy.  That did a little circling around the entrance of the rabbit hole.

I love it.

This gives me something to chew on.  Before looking up what it meant, my impression of apathy was just losing that *spark* in life.  Doldrums.  Repetitive schedules that just continue on forever, and nothing ever changes…not really…so why bother.  A simple lack of passion.

But a suppression of passion, emotion, excitement… in a world full of overstimulation and intensity … and an economy that is only interested in input and contribution from its people that will make an immediate profit. . . now *that* shines some light on it for me.

What is important to me?  It’s kind of hard to know, because it’s kind of hard to hear through all of the busyness.  From morning, noon, and night, I’m bombarded with things trying to get my attention.  Me, as a person, is looked right through. . . as the things that bombard me are focused on what it is they stand to gain by getting my attention.  Trying to tell me what it is I need, want, should have, should do.  As if I have no needs, wants, would like to-dos of my own.  I am not a resource, number, target, or commodity.  I am a god.damn.human.being.

And as a human being I have feelings and emotions.  And no, they aren’t always rational or logical.  I think the biggest scam on the planet, is in getting us to believe that being strictly rational is equivalent to being civilized or advanced.  Denying our emotions and feelings, does NOT make them go away.  It just erupts in other, more “acceptable” ways. . . like . . . oh, I don’t know… WAR?

In our attempt to compartmentalize ourselves (keep work at work, and personal stuff at home) and be civil (calm down! and carry on.) and unoffensive to everyone (you know how sensitive those vertically challenged people can be), we have lost ourselves and who we are inside.  If being strictly intellectual and “scientific” is so civilized. . . then explain to me why the whole goddamn planet is falling apart, and very few people are happy?

I don’t WANT to compartmentalize myself anymore.  I am who I am, where ever I am, whenever I am, however I am.  I *want* to be able to feel strongly about something and not be ostracized from society.  I *want* to care out loud a lot.  I want to cry in public, and not feel like an emotional leper.  I want to sing when the moment comes upon me, and I want to dance when I get a case of the wiggles.  If I could break out into a full blown, goddamn musical in the middle of downtown, I would do it!

I am FULL of life!  I am a passionate woman!  I have joy, enthusiasm, and happiness just waiting to explode and share with every person who wants it.  I care.  I love.  I feel.  I am alive!  I make mistakes dramatically.  I laugh as fully and loudly as possible.  I take risks!  I try to make a complete and total ass of myself on a regular basis.  I am the world’s biggest goofball.  I am silly.  I have weird ideas. I’m scared of really dumb things.  I am idealistic.  I have dreams.  I have visions.  I have hope.  I have faith.  I believe in magic.  I believe in the impossible.  I do the impossible.  I think Excel spreadsheets are pretty damn cool.  I talk to my cats like they’re people.

I see so many opportunities and possibilities for things to be different and better.  I want to help be a part of that solution.  I want everybody to be able to laugh when they want and cry when they want.  I want everyone to find happiness.  I want everyone to know the joy of being who they are without judgement or fault.  I want everyone to be able to feel and to love and to be loved.  I want everyone to know what they want and what they value and be able to live a life that matches those things.  I want everyone to feel whole within themselves.  I want everyone to know peace and content.  I want everyone to feel self empowered and respected.  I want everyone to feel heard.

But most of all, I want everyone to feel that they have been seen and loved, for who they truly are.

I’m pretty sure that’ll help out with the apathy part.  : D

Turtle Rawr