My Little Furry Care Provider

I was having a really silly dream right before I woke up this morning.  I was sleeping in bed (suspiciously in the same position I was sleeping in for real) when a butler came into my room with my breakfast.  (I think I’ve watched too much Downton Abbey in my life).  My breakfast was a bowl of sugar pops cereal, which I can’t even remember the last time I ate cereal, let alone sugar pops.

I was trying to wake myself up enough so that he knew he could leave, but I wasn’t fooling anyone.  I started talking about some joke that included me teaching French.  I don’t actually know French so my joke was being done in English with a French accent.  Realizing that I wasn’t actually speaking French, the conversation shifted into how much funnier it would be if I taught a class in how to speak French accented English.

I thought I was being a riot.  I could not figure out how the butler was keeping a straight face and patiently waiting for me to actually sit up to eat breakfast, with all of my shenanigans.  So finally I sat up, he handed me my bowl of sugar pops, which I was wondering how he kept them from getting all soggy in the milk and whether the next person the butler was going to, was going to have soggy cereal because of me taking so long to get up.

At this point I started to wake up for real, because I had a little black Gir kitty walking into my room meowing at me.  I was just as reluctant to wake up as in my dream.  At first I thought his motivation was him wanting food.  I knew his wet food dish was empty because I had given him chicken from the day before instead of his usual canned food.  But this cat has never been motivated by food, so I wasn’t completely convinced that that was the situation.

I’ve been slowly recovering from both of my ears and deeper sinuses being blocked for quite some time.  I don’t know how long it’s been going on, but it must have been for awhile.  All I know is that it was reaching a point where I was barely able to get any oxygen into myself.  I began the long process of reversing all of it.  It took a long time to get to that point and so it’s taking a long time to recover from it too.

Each step that I take helps remove a deeper layer.  This has been a process of weeks and weeks.  It’s been like chiseling away concrete using a needle, but I have made some incredible progress.  It’s getting easier to breathe, which in turn is making it easier for me to sleep at night, which in turn makes it easier for me to get through a day before I start hitting anxiety, which in turn puts me in a more overall pleasant mood.

With where I’m at in the process, a good portion of my body that has been basically frozen in survival mode, is starting to relax.  More feeling is starting to come back into me, and with that I’m noticing just how exhausted my body has been from all of this.  So I feel relief, I relax, and then I’m like holy shit I am tired!  I had absolutely no idea, how over time, my body had started to fight more and more for the little bit of oxygen I was letting into myself.  It’s that stupid conditioning thing, where something happens slowly and subtly enough over time, that you don’t realize it’s happening.

So this morning I was almost in a drunk state of relief and exhaustion.  “Omg it feels so good to be able to relax {slobber} I don’t want to get up ever again.”

That’s the state I was in when Mr. Gir came sauntering into my room.  I was too crashed to even get mad at all his racket.  I was able to just stay there in my body, all comfy, not really giving a fluff.  It felt so nice to not become unhinged by what he was doing and my temper coming out.  I laid there comfortably watching what he was doing.

He was putting a paw onto my bed (I’m on the floor), walking himself into my outstretched hand.  Talking and going on and rolling on the floor and knocking everything over.  He was being adorable.  I could see an earnest want or need for me to get up.  This cat was on a mission.

So finally I was ready to get up and I started my morning routine, which Gir knows so well he leads the way.  Into the living room, open the blinds.  Plug in the internet.  Off to the bathroom.  Into the kitchen.  As I willingly cooperated with Gir’s monumental efforts to get his human moving, I noticed a whole change in his demeanor.  He got a little bit of a bounce in his step.  He started to purr so loudly.  He looked so happy.

In my half asleep (but very relaxed) stupor, it hit me what was playing out.  He has found a way to contribute to his family unit.  He has found something that he is good at, and that is useful and helpful.  It’s not just humans that like to feel needed and useful.  It’s not just humans that need a purpose in life.  As all of this went through me, I looked at him with new eyes and became as clear as day.  It was written all over his little kitty face and in his expression.  “Look mommy, look I helped!”

It’s something that I was incapable of noticing before my health started to return to me.

When I got him his breakfast (and mine) and went to sit down in the living room, he came and chilled in the living room as well, looking all extra pleased with himself.  His motivation had not, in fact, been about his food.  He was just doing his self assigned job.  In his own little kitty way, he has shown me more care than many humans are capable of showing anymore.

The little dude cares whether I get out of bed or not.  It may be for his own reasons (which are the best reasons for doing something), and it may not be a conscious thought . . . but it doesn’t matter to me.  I know care when I experience it, and he’s providing genuine love and care.

As for my dream, I can see how the more my health returns to me, so does my humor and joking.  I stop being so super serious about everything . . . I become more playful.  I, in fact, do wake up out of bed saying stupid things that I think are hilarious even if nobody else thinks they are.  And the sugar pops cereal was obviously a reference to being a kid.  My inner child returning.

And no wonder the butler wasn’t laughing at my hilarious french jokes . . . I mean, he’s a cat for crying out loud.  It had nothing to do with how funny my jokes were.  😀

Gir

But Seriously, I’m Just Happy To Be Here :)

Waking up yesterday to the first full day of spring, I was really feeling the Sun’s move into Aries.  I was reminded of the core, base foundation of what Aries/Mars energy is.  The will . . . nay, the want to live.  Aries energy/vibration/frequency is what tells things, “It’s time to be born.”

It’s what motivates grass to grow and flower blossoms to bloom and tree leaves to bud.  It’s what tells babies to be born and the mind when an idea’s time has come.  “Now . . . now is the time.”  It’s not something you think about or contemplate.  That happened while in the womb, while in the dirt, while things were planning to come into existence in the physical vibration.  That is Pisces/Neptune.

No, Aries energy comes as the most basic instinct.  It is the “I want” feeling that comes from your root/base chakra.

Now, everyone has different expressions of this energy.  You can have Mars in any of the 12 zodiac signs in your chart, and you could have Aries in any of the 12 houses in the zodiac depending on the time you were born.  It’s like putting on a costume for Mars.  “Today, Mars is wearing the latest fall fashion of Sagittarius Couture.  In this very free spirited outfit, he tends to seek out dangerous adventures in the wild jungles of booga booga.”

But no matter how you express it, at it’s core, it is still our will to live.  It is the energy that brought you into this world, and it is the energy that pushes you to live life to the fullest.  Or not.

I was blessed (or not) with a buttload of this energy.  (Omg, Jenn, we KNOW!)  Well, for those of you new to the site, I have an Aries Rising/Ascendant, South Node Aries, Eris (rising), and Mars & Venus both in Aries.  I also have additional planets in the 1st house (the house of Self, Aries/Mars) that still more emphasizes my Aries/Mars energy even though they aren’t in the sign Aries.  Mercury, Chiron, & Sedna.

Do you remember back in school, how there were always those kids who seemed too stupid to know that they weren’t supposed to like school?  They were like teacher’s pets and all, “Ohh Ohh, pick me, pick me, I know the answer!” and doing all of their homework, etc.?

So that’s kind of what all of this Aries/Mars/1st house energy did to me in regards to life.  I’m all:

"I'm just happy to be here!"

“I’m just happy to be here!”

And the rest of society looks at me exactly how everyone looks at teacher’s pets, with disdain and disgust.  It is embarrassing, people.  I feel this joy bubble up in me (because as if my 1st house wasn’t enough, I also have Sun/Jupiter in Gemini. . . the energy of 100 white hot suns . . . if the suns were all great big kids – and also Neptune/Moon in Sagittarius . . . which is *the* optimist of the zodiac), and I am genuinely revved up and ready to get out there into life and make it happen!  Let’s DO this!  Woooo!

I am sincerely SO  HAPPY  JUST TO  BE  HERE! (On the inside)  But uh . . . I do not find a lot of people who share my enthusiasm for life, and there’s a point where my joy can just start to look like I’m being an insensitive asshole.  I want to fit in you guys.  I do NOT want to be *that* guy.  So if someone is all “God, life just fucking sucks.”  I’m joyously responding, “God, seriously!  Why does life have to suck so much?”  {Big grin . . . oh wait, I’m doing that wrong . . . furrow forehead}

"Am I doing it right?  Do I look more angry about life?"

“Am I doing it right? Do I look more angry about life?”

Okay, now I’m just shamefully (I *want* to say shamelessly) posting old pics of myself from a time before life took me down another couple hundred notches, so that I can feel better about myself.  These are about ten years old, (50 in single mom years).  Actually this is kind of fun.  I feel like I’m sharing an old friend of mine with you, because I am definitely not that girl anymore.  Okay one more with more of my Aries direct stare:

Then a few years later after shit really started to hit the fan for me (oh hi Saturn return) and weight gain, hair loss . . .

Jenn 2008

. . . oh, but wait, I’m still smiling.  (What the hell, Jenn?)  Okay . . . hold on I’m going to find one where I’m not smiling like a loon . . . ok I only have one I can immediately find and in this pic my family was camping and it was as hot as hellfire and I was so miserable I was ready to kick mother nature’s ass, and my mom thought that would be a great time to grab the camera.  I’m with my giant brother, Louis (I’m 5’9″ and he’s scrunching down to fit into the picture.  He’s like 10 feet tall or something like that.)

Me_Louie_2008

Anyways, I have unquenchable curiosity, and so I wanted to know why people don’t want to be here or to be alive.  So I went marching down that road head first like a spazzed out Alice.  Although instead of curiouser and curiouser, I was saying wtf? wtf?  What is wrong with you people?

No, that was a genuine question.  I wanted to know because something *had* to be wrong for them to be so unhappy to be here.  Okay, well, wait – I was *also* wondering what I was doing wrong because I was obviously missing some life memos.

Subject: Re: Don’t tell Jenn, but here’s intel that explains why you should *not* be happy about life.

Let’s face it, it is not cool to want to be alive, is it?  How ridiculous is that?  You are here–>  (red dot on life map)  The only way to un-be here is to “die”.  When that happens was pre-arranged before you came here, soooo you shouldn’t be focused on that and you certainly shouldn’t be trying to make it happen before then.  That totally misses the point of being here.

That’s like waiting in line for 4 hours to get onto the Space Mountain ride at Disneyland, and then cussing and bitching and moaning the entire time you’re on the ride.  Well, then why in the hell did you come?  Jesus people.  You know this is temporary right?  This is like a short ride.  It’s not REAL existence.  We are all pretending it is, but you guys are pretending a little too well and the “It’s a small world” ride has turned into a horror movie with creepy circus music playing in the background.

So I was looking at old astrology reports I had purchased on a site like back in 2009, because I like to see how far off the rails I’ve gone with how I see my chart.  Reading your own chart, over time, can be a bit like the telephone game where you say one sentence to the first person, and by the 15th person the message has gone from “I like toast” to “French whores smell not so great.”

It was a Life Purpose Report.  That sounds like a pretty useful thing to know.  So it had this to say:

With Saturn in Leo, your mission is to let your inner light shine, freely and joyfully expressing your multiple creative talents. When your creative expression comes directly from your heart, you inspire others to ignite their own creative spark. Ultimately, you are here to be a leader, brightening the planet with your unique vision and the pure joy of your being.

Having fun and creatively expressing yourself aren’t the worst cosmic assignments, but with Saturn in Leo, embracing the pleasure principle does not come easily. Saturn’s sign shows your fears, blocks and challenges based on childhood experiences or family background. With Saturn in Leo, your natural exuberance and creativity may have been squashed at an early age.

Saturn in Leo adults often feel like they didn’t get to be children, that they had to grow up and take on responsibility at a young age. You may feel like you never learned how to have fun. Your work is to become more like a child, fully engaged in the present moment and openly expressing your thoughts and feelings.

As Leo rules the heart, Saturn in Leo can indicate a wounded or broken heart early in life.

baby

Do you hear that people?  Squashed.  All of that enthusiasm you see in me?  That is a squashed version.  That’s right, I have been holding back.  (Oh dear god no.)

But seriously?  (Haha . . . Saturn is super serious.) My job is to find and express my inner child?  That.is.cool.  But you know what, I bet I signed up for that job thinking it would be easy, before I came down here to a bunch of whiners and dicks who feel like they’re too good to join in on life and actually, god forbid, be seen shamelessly enjoying themselves!  : )

I’m just messing, I love you guys.  But seriously . . . lighten up.  I’ve got a job to do here and you’re not making it very easy.

On The Very Threshhold Of The Golden Age . . . Be Brave And Endure

Have you ever had to go without something that you needed?  And by needed, I mean something basic and standard like oxygen.

Have you ever had to go without food, or not know when you would get more?  Or Water?

When you have to go too long without something that you need in order to nourish and keep yourself alive, it can produce a state of fearfulness.  Mistrust.  Guardedness.

Whatever little you have, you hide and guard with all you have.

That’s more of a physical example, an animal survival instinct.

But we’re more than physical beings.  We have basic needs that go beyond oxygen, food, water, & shelter.

Our Spirit needs . . . Spiritual need . . . is love.

When we are forced to go without love, we respond in the same manner emotionally as if we were low on food and water.

Because we’re at the end of a cycle, the love we were given from source at the beginning of the cycle has run very low.

The Kali Yuga period is the darkest part of the cycle, exactly because of this.  We’re running low on love . . . light from source.

It’s easy for the dark smoke entity to hide and cover up whatever love is left, and make us believe that it is all gone . . . leaving chaos and destruction in it’s wake.

But what is really interesting about the big cycle, is that it starts with the golden age . . . slowly decreases into darkness over thousands of years . . . until we hit the period we’ve been in.  But instead of it slowly increasing and reversing in the same speed that it declined . . . we suddenly jump from the darkest period of the cycle, back into the golden age.

Why?  Why does it do that?

Because the grand cycle, is a process of receiving our nourishment from the source that has to last us for the next cycle.  They talk about manna from heaven in the bible, and how the people survived off of this stuff for a long time.  Source pulses out a burst of light/love/consciousness/awareness once every grand cycle.

By the end of the cycle, we are dragging our mother fucking knuckles on the ground about ready to give up completely.  We are being mean, rotten, selfish, ignorant, etc.  We are in survival mode.  We are responding exactly as people who are starving to death . . . and we are . . . our love fuel tank is on E.

If you’ve ever suffered starvation or nutrient deficiency, you will know that you can’t think straight . . . everything is confusing and doesn’t make much sense.  You don’t make the smartest decisions.  Why do you think people associate being poor as being ignorant?

Humanity is not evil . . . it’s simply starving for love, or the energy sent to us from source every grand cycle.

Forgive them for they know not what they do.

The world religions, while yes some have turned into power plays and political disasters, initially were meant to help people keep faith when things started to darken.  As the ages progress, and the light/love source we were provided for the long haul starts to grow thinner and thinner . . . things start to get a little tough.

People start getting grumpier and grumpier.  More defensive.  More divided.  Less trusting of each other.  More isolated and separated.  Then the dark smoke entity starts to rub it’s hands together in glee because it becomes easier and easier to trick people when they become low in love.

We go through a period where we believe that our “God” has forsaken us.  Where is he?  Where did he go?

So there is a period of many generations, where you are just going strictly off of collective memories, stories, faith, and belief regarding this loving entity.  A prophecy of his return.

His return, is when the grand cycle is complete, and it’s time to refill all of our reserves with the light/love from source.  And it comes all at once.  The golden love energy.  The Golden Age.  The Great Awakening.

Why is it the Great Awakening?  Because we are so starved, we are spiritually weak and when you’re spiritually weak . . . you forget.  The more starved you become, the more you forget and fall into darkness.

Inspirational things are what we use to try and keep the Spirit alive through the darkest times.  Singing, dancing, making merry, happiness, joy, love . . . we keep the traditions and rituals going for as long as possible in order to carry some of the light/love from source through our darkest times.  Until one day they end.  Because we’ve run all out of that spiritual substance that we NEED.

There are many monasteries, etc. whose soul purpose is to hold that love and light in remote parts of the world in order to keep all of us from plunging completely into darkness.  Who in the darkest times start to become mocked and disrespected.  But who keep doing it anyways, because they know it’s important.  That is faith.

But we also keep a small spark of that energy deep within ourselves . . . that we guard with all that we have because it’s the only thing that keeps us from dying.

Which brings us to now.  We are at the teeter totter end of the cycle.  The very darkest before the light.  Were we are all feeling isolated and alone because we’re forced to in order to protect that last bit of spark love inside of us.  Scared.  Defensive.  Trying to not lose hope.  Trying to keep the faith in Love.  Faith in Light’s return.

Just like we do in winter . . . hoping that spring and life comes back to us.  It’s exactly the same thing . . . the micro within the macro.  In the Grand Cycle, we are at the precipice of Spring.  We are all holding our breaths for the Event.  Hoping, praying, that the Light returns to us.  That we haven’t been forgotten.  That something didn’t happen during the thousands of years since our last renewal, that will prevent the light from getting to us.

I’m here to tell you, that we have not been forgotten.  The Light is on its way even as we speak, and it cannot be stopped.

It’s okay to let go of your fear and doubts.  I know you’re tired and worn to the bone . . . but give it one more chance.

The energy is already beginning to reach us, and like flowers . . . we have to be willing to open in order to receive the sunshine in order to be fed.

You’ve been tight in fear in order to protect your last spark of love, the same as a hungry person guards the last scrap of food they have.

But it’s okay to let go now.  If you can find the strength and courage in yourself to trust . . . just one more time . . . and open your heart and feel your love . . . push past fears and doubts that will try to pull on you . . . you will be able to feel the beginnings of the Light returning for the Golden Age.

If you’re still enough . . . you’ll feel it start to fill your personal reservoirs again.  Right now is not about convincing others about this . . . it’s about getting yourselves filled up and strong.

You don’t need to worry about others anymore.  I know some of you who have had some extra love energy have been using it to keep others who have been losing theirs . . . but you don’t need to do that anymore.  It’s going to be okay now.  The renewal has started . . . so those who are the most sensitive will be able to pick up and benefit from it right now.  The rest will follow.

The Legions of Light are arriving.  You can let go of the fear and worry that nags at you subconsciously.

funny-turtle-sea-white-zoo-water

 

 

 

Here’s To Loving Life And Existence

Yesterday as I sat at a stoplight while running errands, it got into me that it was time for one of my adventures.  It happens a couple times a year.  I suddenly need to drive with no destination in mind.  So when the light turned green . . . I went straight instead of turning left.

At the next light, I wanted to both go straight and take a right.  This sudden breaking free from my routine had introduced a new thought and feeling into me.  I started thinking about a quote that’s been making the rounds online, something about the ones who don’t actually know anything are the ones with confidence and the ones who do . . . don’t have any confidence.

The exact wording wasn’t important because it was coming in more as a feeling/knowing/understanding for me.  I’ve had so little confidence in what I feel and believe . . . and why?  There are millions of people acting confidently based on half assed thoughts  . . . and look at how well that’s working out for everyone.  So why not?  Why not let myself be confident in mine too?

This was making me feel better.  I was feeling stronger in my base and core.

Why not?  Sure my feelings and beliefs might be weird and out of the normal.  They may not make sense to a good majority of people . . . but so what?

I was in the lane to go straight . . . but then the light for the right turn lane had turned green.  I checked the mirrors for any traffic . . . it was clear . . . so I hit the blinker to turn and the gas.  I even did a mini skid squeal with my tires all fast and furious-like.

The road I took takes you around a large lake.  It is some of the most gorgeous road I’ve ever driven.  I could feel my spirit spread out for miles.

My thoughts kept coming back to the confidence thing.  If the “wrong” people are the ones with confidence . . . then what is stopping the “right” people from having confidence?

I feel it’s mostly to do with the ones with confidence, have it because it fits the old paradigm.  They have centuries and the masses on their side in belief.  That’s a lot of conscious energy keeping it in place.  It’s no longer about whether it’s actually the right thing . . . only that it’s how it’s done.  There’s a lot of energy and momentum already invested in those ways . . . so it’s much easier to go along with the flow.

Whereas, if you feel differently about any of it, you are trying to swim upstream.  You have to gain an insane amount of strength, courage, and confidence in what you feel and believe in order to not only hold onto those feelings and thoughts, but also to start introducing or speaking them out loud.  So they start out as whispers.

You’ll have plenty of opposition.  You won’t really have any supporters.  You have to risk looking insane . . . being alone.  Possibly harmed.  People in general don’t like change to the status quo.  In short, you have to expend a tremendous amount of energy, the risks are high, and the return may be zill.  That’s why the ones who could really help during this time lack confidence in themselves and what they feel and believe inside.

I was blessed with an insane amount of this kind of energy (Aries).  So as I was flying down the highway (at a safe speed), with my window down and wind blowing in my hair . . . I kept asking myself why not start believing in my feelings and beliefs.  What do I have to lose?  The only thing I stand to lose, really . . . is my fear.

Whether I’m one of the ones that should or shouldn’t have confidence, just doesn’t seem to matter to me anymore.  Maybe I am one of *those* people who shouldn’t be so confident . . . but what does it matter anymore?  Who cares?  The world is falling apart at the seams anyways . . . what would it hurt to take this opportunity to believe in myself again?

If I’m in the wrong in my beliefs and feelings . . . then let me do it all of the way . . . let me do it confidently.

{watch out for incoming teddy bears, rainbows, and bunnies!}

I eventually came back to the intersection where I wanted to go two different directions . . . and took the other direction I had wanted to go.  Who says you can’t have your cake and eat it too?  (I don’t even understand that cliché . . . who has cake and DOESN’T eat it?)

I was singing my little heart out.  It had started out as a cloudy day, but during the drive the clouds had cleared and the sun started to shine through.  It felt like I was in the middle of a musical.  I was saying hello to a rushing river and to all of the swaying trees.  It was soothing to my heart and soul.

At the end of my little road trip, as I parked my car to finish my errands, I looked up in the sky and saw a huge black bird with its wings spread wide and floating on the currents.  I couldn’t figure out what kind of bird it was.  It was huge like an Eagle, but didn’t have the markings of one.  It was SO incredibly black all over.  It didn’t look like any bird I had ever seen, but it was so B E A U T I F U L and graceful.  I was completely mesmerized by it.

I heard myself saying, “I don’t know what you are, but it doesn’t matter . . . I don’t need to know what you are to know that you’re beautiful.”

In that wide open moment, something struck me about what I had said and then I started to giggle . . . both at myself and at life.  I spend so much energy in wanting to know who I am . . . what my “name” is, but as I was staring at something so beautiful and breathtaking in that moment, the last thing I cared about was the creature’s name.  I was just so happy and grateful to be witnessing it’s existence and way of being.

Sometimes new things come into existence and don’t have a name yet.  Maybe there are things that don’t need a name . . . maybe their name is their existence . . . their presence.  Maybe a name or identity would diminish their worth.  Maybe you can only know them by experiencing them.

Sometimes life surprises us.

Okay . . . and maybe a little music:

Don’t Let Go by Lea Michele

My Own Physical Body Tries To Protect Me From My Feelings

(Source: The Meta Picture)

Whatcha doin?

Omg you guys, so many puzzle pieces just came together for me and I’m so excited to share.

I was doing my usual morning “laying on the floor and contemplating the meaning of everything” while trying to relax my body so I could feel my feelers.

I felt how my neck and lower jaw muscles were tensing in order to stop emotions from showing.  I thought, “Hmm . . that’s right, I do remember as a little girl whenever I wanted to cry but was in public or around someone, I would stop my tears by tensing my neck area.”

Okay, cool . . . so I was talking to my body and saying, “Hey, it’s super cool that you learned how to stop yourself from crying, but it’s getting old and I kind of don’t want to do it anymore.”  But from a feeling place, not necessarily with words.  I find it works best for me if I emote or feel things towards my body as a way to communicate.

So *then* I became aware of something going on in my head area.  It wasn’t what I would refer to or call my “mind”, but something . . . I guess surrounding the mind?  It’s like it was the top half of my skull, and emanating from the area outside of it.  I only had to wonder about it for a second before the word “will” popped into my head.

Yes, of course!  Will . . . Aries . . . Aries rules the head!  I felt it being the thing that was instructing or giving the orders so to speak, for my neck area (ruled by Taurus . . . it’s our “voice”).  But not only that, I felt all of the areas in my body that were under the direction of “will” in my body.  This is TOTALLY fascinating because my Chiron (or deepest wound and where we become the healer) is in Taurus (rules neck/throat . . . but also represents physical body) and in my 1st house . . . the house of Aries (which my 1st house happens to be ruled by Aries . . . go figure).

So THEN, I was feeling all of these areas affected and being directed by Aries and what came to me was “adrenal system”.  The fight or flight or freeze response.  Our instinctive, animalistic response when there is danger.  This is ALSO ruled by Aries –>Instinct/survival.

At this point I’m already in amazement at the correlations between what I’m experiencing and connecting and how they also line up in astrological rulerships . . . and things that aren’t readily able to be connected.  We tend to learn key words about each sign, etc. . . . but it’s not necessarily obvious why they all belong to a sign, planet, or house.  So seeing these connections in me and THEN seeing that it matches what is in astrology is what had me going all O.O during all of this.

So anyways, I was seeing in vision and actually experiencing in my physical body the areas of my body being told by my “will” that I was in “danger” every time I felt my emotions and feelings.  Every.single.time.  So I feel any of my own feelings, and my body goes “go!go!go! This is not a drill, we are in serious danger, activate the “do not show what you’re feeling” sequence!” and the various areas of my body go into response to stop the feelers from coming out.

Then I kept having a scene from my childhood repeat over and over.  It was a defining moment in my childhood.  I had done something to get myself in trouble and I was getting one hellacious whipping, and I was told that it wasn’t going to stop until I stopped crying.

Boom.  There it was.  Showing my emotions and feelings put me in serious danger (according to my instinctive body), and therefore I go into a fight, flight, freeze response any time they try to show themselves.  Hence the intense fear any time I try to express what I feel.

When we are children we’re more open and flexible, so it didn’t have a huge immediate impact when I was younger.  I was still able to return to my playing and eventually forget what happened and get back to playing Barbies or whatever.  Kids are resilient like that.  But my physical body never forgot it, and so it decided to take care of it at an instinctive level, rather than bother me with it.

As I get older, however, it takes more and more of a toll on me.  I can’t bounce back as easily when I get triggered.  The response has bled over from only happening when I wanted to cry, to happening any time I feel emotions or feelings at all.  INCLUDING feeling joy, love, happiness.

Every time I go into my deeper feelings . . . my body goes into fight, flight, freeze response.  Survival mode.  Shut down.  Close up.  On the defense.

What’s more . . . and the part that has truly been tragic in my life . . . it happens anytime I’m around anyone that I care deeply about.  I get near someone I care deeply about, and my system goes into survival mode and I shut down.  In order to compensate for this, and in order to find any comfort or peace in my life . . . I’ve had to push away, distance, and cut off from everyone I’ve ever cared about in my life.

The only one I wasn’t able to, was my son.  He told me when he was 7 that one of his reasons for coming into this life was to show me love, and now that has even more profound meaning than ever.

I have had to survive on my own for so long, that I had learned to deal with it.  I was “at peace” in a way with it . . . even if I didn’t like it or understand it.  I can push away lovers, family, friends.  But my son.  The universe set it up so that I couldn’t push him away.  I was the only person available to take care of him and raise him.  My mommy instinct wouldn’t let me abandon him.  I didn’t want him to be alone in the world.

So for the next 18 years this horrific battle ensued in me.  Perpetual fight or flight any time I was around my son, but also being unable to get away from it.  It forced me to face those demons in me.  It forced me to push past the terror and fear because as many parents understand . . . you will literally go through hell for your children.  I might not do it for myself, and I might not do it for another person . . . but I sure as hell will do it for my son.

Even if I was screaming at the top of my lungs (silently inside) in searing pain from the constant adrenal response 24/7 year after year, which did result in several breakdowns.  Which is another interesting correlation . . . Aries is a fire.  Fire burns and purifies.  Adrenaline being a very Aries response . . . burns when it keeps happening and it’s not needed and results in anxiety, etc.  In an effort to overcome it . . . I ended up burning and purifying through everything that wasn’t real in me.

It’s also why I always end up alone.  Again . . . Aries.  My south node (something you do *too* well) is Aries.  North node (direction you want to head in this life) is Libra.  I want to be with others.  My soul no longer wants to survive alone . . . it wants to thrive with others.

All of these pieces and realizations are just blowing me away . . . this is amazing to me.  It seems so clear.

I shut down when my ex came last summer.  I was picking everything apart trying to understand why, and obviously it isn’t any *one* thing . . . nothing is that simple . . . but now, with this understanding . . .

I pushed the love of my life away because of this.  That’s why I can’t let it go.  It’s the same situation as with my son.  That push and pull fight inside of me.  They are my heart . . . and I can’t abandon my heart . . . but to feel my heart means to be in shut down survival mode which kills my spirit.

I had learned how to get past it with my son.  But then I got into a relationship which is a different dynamic, and I hadn’t learned how to get past it from that angle.  So I thought it was the relationship that was wrong, and fell back into my old habits of pushing the person away . . . if only to get a break from the searing pain of adrenaline that burns my whole body.

Oh my god . . . I’m so sorry . . . I’m so sorry for what I put you through. 

Cliff Diving (Okay, Maybe Falling Off Of Cliffs Ungracefully)

I have to call upon so much courage in myself when trying to speak from my heart.

It feels like I’m hanging from a cliff by my fingers, and I’m trying to pull together enough courage to let go . . . one finger at a time.  I become so scared.

Is it going to hurt?

Will I be okay?

But I know it’s my path . . . to learn to speak out loud what is in my heart.

Not what is popular . . . not what is commonly accepted . . . not the influence I feel from others around me . . . but what I and I alone feel separate from the outside world.

I cannot express the terror I feel surrounding this seemingly simple act . . . speaking what I feel inside.

The humiliation I feel.

I have to do it through tears and slow breathing.  It’s like trying to breathe oxygen into a stubborn raisin that insists on folding in on itself.  A trembling raisin.

I do it because I know it’s the only way for me.  I do it because when I’m successful, I once again come alive and see everything for what it is.  I feel myself glow.  I know without a doubt that it’s my calling, even if I don’t know why it’s my calling or what I’m supposed to do with it.  I don’t care why . . . it feels too good to be doing what it feels like I was put here for.

Nothing else matters.

Even knowing that, I continue to hold onto the cliff’s edge with my fingertips.  Crying and pleading with the circumstances . . . wanting to be anywhere but hanging from that cliff.

I hang on because when I start to open my heart and see what’s in there, I become overwhelmed and scared by what I see.  Not because it’s something bad . . . but because it’s something so immense . . . because it’s something new and I don’t know what to do with it.

It doesn’t fit into anything I’ve ever seen really happen in life.  And in that moment when I’m staring straight into it, I know . . . I know I must call upon all of the strength and courage I have inside, because I have to stray from all I’ve ever known and understood about life.

I have to come to peace with letting all of my greatest fears come true as I take my first steps.

Hence the cliff crying (upgraded from floor crying).

The more steps I take, the more confident I am that I’m heading in the right direction . . . and take one more finger off of the cliff’s edge.

I don’t know . . . I guess the hardest thing for me to overcome what I see when I look deep into my heart right now, is that it’s something that I had unknowingly lost a belief in.

It’s like suddenly seeing an honest-to-goodness leprechaun running around your desk.  There’s a moment of shock that a leprechaun even exists before you can start processing what’s happening.

Ironically, I believed in leprechauns more than I believed in what I’m seeing now.

In my heart, I see and feel what can only be True Love.

It’s not like anything I’ve ever heard about or seen.  It redefines all of existence for me.  I’m barely scratching the surface of this monster thing that is appearing inside.

That’s not even the part I’m struggling with.

The part I’m struggling with is the part I didn’t know I didn’t believe in, until I started to see all of this in the last week or so.

{cliff gripping}

I didn’t believe in “soul mates” or “Twin Flames”.  I thought I did, but now if I am honest with myself, I didn’t.  I didn’t really believe there was that one person out there that was a person’s match.  I didn’t believe that there was possibly that one person that was meant for me.

I think I believed in possibilities.  Like a game of odds and chances . . . probabilities of two people matching up and being compatible.  But someone specifically destined or fated?  Another person who is actually another part of your soul?  No, I didn’t believe in that.

I now wonder how long my soul has had to wander alone, for me to have forgotten that it was ever apart of another?  To have reached a point of believing that it was only ever by itself without a pair or mate.  In order to survive . . . to cope . . . to not give up in despair.

I didn’t let myself believe it was true because it terrifies me.  It’s too much for me to dare hope.  At the soul level, I’ve wandered alone a very . . . very . . . very long time.  I’ve searched and searched and searched.  I’ve hoped and hoped and hoped.  But to actually believe it . . . that was too much for me.  That’s not real life . . . that’s some dream or fantasy.

If I were to believe it before I really found my “other” . . . the knowledge alone that I was separated from my other half and not knowing where he was or even if he was okay, would have been enough to literally kill me on the spot.  That’s how deep this pain runs.  My heart would absolutely give out on me.

So I stopped believing in my soul having another half in order to survive.  I believed myself to be independent and solo, not needing anyone else in order to be complete.

But in the spring/summer of 2012 . . . I reached a point of wholeness within myself.  I let go of my fears of being alone and I opened up inside.  Life began to glow for me.  I felt full of light.  When this happened . . . a man appeared in my life.  I knew who he was.  I knew what it meant.  I knew what was happening.  It wasn’t a guessing game for me.  It wasn’t a maybe.  It was 100%.

Fast forward to November of last year, we broke up.

I have no wish to share the details of how that all came about because that’s between me and him, but suffice to say there was a lot of confusion and hurt on both sides for us each to clean up.

I have never, ever gone through something as intense as this in all of my life.

In the hurt and confusion, I closed down and was more in the dark.  I could no longer remember any of the things I knew about us when we first met.

Since then I’ve been fighting and climbing my way out of the abyss that I had fallen down into.  Striving to reach that place of light and knowing that I had reached in 2012.

I’ve started to hit that place again . . . I call it the “Golden World”.  I flicker in and out.  The part that’s been slowing my progress and tripping me up, is the fact that when I open to that world . . . all of the information I knew about us from a couple of years ago, starts to rush back into me.

Except we’ve broken up . . . we don’t speak to each other . . . we’re not even in contact.  I don’t know if we ever will again.

That’s where things start to slide sideways for me.

Because of my subconscious belief that I had no “other”, the knowing of who he was only went skin deep with me.  I hadn’t let it sink all of the way in . . . down to my deep rooted beliefs.  It was very superficial . . . Gemini-like.  I didn’t fully believe with my whole being that he was my partner.  I hadn’t surrendered to the reality of who he is to me.

Because of the wound.  The deep, deep wound of having been separated from him in the first place.  I was scared to let the relationship be true, to be real . . . because the reality was too much for me to handle.  Again my heart . . . I can feel it in my physical heart.  It sometimes stumbles and pounds weird in my chest from the struggle in me regarding me and my ex.

I’ve never had anything close to this happen in my life with another person before.

But there’s nothing I can do about the relationship.  But I don’t want to die . . . I want to live.  So I tried to let him go.  Let him go his own way and live his own life.  Except, I tried to do it by forgetting him, and all that did was keep me closed.  I wasn’t able to recover or heal from the breakup while I did that.

So instead, I decided to open up to what it was I really feeling inside.  Regardless of circumstances beyond my control . . . regardless of how it may appear to the rest of the world . . . what was it that I was feeling, what was it that I was trying to cover-up or hide in myself?

When everything that is false is burned away . . . what is left?

And without fail . . . when I open back up, when I come back to life . . . so does all of my love for him.  So does my memory of him.  I remember him again.  I know he is my one . . . my penguin.  My mate.  My other half.

But instead of falling apart because of our separation and not knowing if we’ll even ever speak again . . . I surrender fully to the knowing and understanding of who he is to my soul . . . and that brings me solace.  It brings me peace . . . because I know he exists.  He’s out there somewhere.  I know his energy signature.  I feel him with me the same as when he was here in person.

Whenever I start to panic about him being so far away physically . . . or the very real possibility that I’ll never hear or see him again . . . I have to shift to a soul perspective.  From there . . . I can feel him . . . I feel joy in my being . . . I feel a love for life again.  I know that things are okay even if they don’t look like it on the outside.

In that way . . . I’m able to let him go.  I’m able to still openly feel my feelings of love for him instead of hide, repress, or pretend like they aren’t there and in doing so having to hide and repress a large part of who I am.  They are there and they will always be there in a very, very big way for me.

Even though I am very skilled in being able to distinguish very subtle changes, shifts, and differences in even the most intricate energy . . . I am unable to distinguish my own heart energy from him and my love for him.  As far as my soul is concerned . . . he *is* my heart.

I am a free spirit . . . and so is my heart.  My heart is free to be and to do whatever he chooses, I will not stand in his way.

As long as I keep surrendering to spirit and have faith in life and that things are as they are meant to be . . . I can stay in a place of love, joy, and happiness regardless of circumstances.

I’ve found my heart . . . it’s not what I expected . . . but I’m very happy to know of its existence.  I’m very happy to know that I can connect to it whenever I want to energetically . . . and for me, that is oftentimes more real than this physical life (especially while Sun is in Pisces and Jupiter in Cancer).

This is still somewhat of a shock to me . . . it’s taking a lot of time to integrate and accept and let it seep deeper into my understanding of reality.  The more it does, the more love and peace I feel for life overall . . . and the more I am able to surrender and allow life to be as it is.  The more confident I am that I am finding my way.  The more things make sense to me again . . . even if they don’t really make sense in a conventional way.

Okay . . . that’s all of the heart sharing I can handle for now.

Quan Yin

Breaking Open

The breakup was back in November.

But I still miss him.

I still love him.

Tonight’s crying has been the most heartbreaking so far.

The reality of what’s happened has only now seeped through the ice and defenses that have been my exterior, and reached my core.

So the crying is coming straight from my heart.

The kind of deep hurt that only comes when you’ve taken the risk of opening your heart fully to someone.

And then losing them.

And everything you had dreamed together.

And there’s nothing you can do about it.

I thought the failure of the relationship meant that I had failed.

That maybe I still hadn’t learned how to trust.  That I still hadn’t learned how to be open and vulnerable.   That I still hadn’t learned how to let someone into my heart.

But right now . . . as I sit here feeling like my whole world is crashing down on me . . . and like my heart is being shattered into a million pieces . . .

I am starting to see the gift that has been given.

I’m not feeling like this because I failed to learn how to trust or how to open my heart to another human . . . I’m feeling like this because I succeeded in doing those things.

The feeling is at once the most painful and most beautiful thing I’ve ever had to endure.

It feels like the most intolerable thing a human being could be asked to endure while still conscious.

But something that I’m only able to experience if I’m connected to my heart . . .

And with that realization, it becomes something so extraordinary and precious to the human experience.

Something I wouldn’t give up for the whole world.

I have spent my WHOLE life being afraid of love.

I have spent my WHOLE life trying to hide and protect myself from getting hurt.

I have spent my WHOLE life alone and afraid.

And as I sit here crying and curled up in the fetal position feeling the one thing I have most feared my whole life . . . I’m finding my heart again.

Through the fear and pain of the heartache, I can see and feel everything in me that is my love and heart.

And it’s all of me.

I had thought I lost my ability to love.

But no.  I love with all of me.  I love with everything I have.

As I’m feeling my heart come back to me I’m remembering why I cut it off.

The things happening in this world break my heart.

I can hardly stand it.

The things I see in the news . . . the way people treat each other just in everyday life . . . it makes me cry so deeply.

The way the school systems systematically crush the spirit and love out of children, and all we do is stand by and watch feeling helpless.

WHY ARE THERE HOMELESS AND HUNGRY PEOPLE!!! THERE IS MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE!

What the FUCK is wrong with the people on this planet!?!?!?

What are we doing?!?  What are we doing to ourselves?!  And why?!  WHY DO WE LIVE LIKE THIS?!

I don’t understand, I’ve never understood.  My heart can’t handle it.

We let bad and stupid things happen to people because “that’s just the way it is”.  But why?!  Why does it stay that way?  It doesn’t need to be that way!  Goddammit it makes me so angry!

What the fuck has happened to us?

This is NOT how things are supposed to be!

This is NOT alright, this is NOT okay!  This is horrible!

The violence, the arrogance, the ignorance, the suffering, the heartbreak, the loss of hope . . .

Why?

Why do we all sit in our pain and suffering alone?  We are killing ourselves . . . we are dying inside . . . and we can’t see past ourselves in order to see what needs to change.

We are so frozen in fear that we are unable to help ourselves.

It tears me apart and breaks my heart over and over.

I used to cry alone all of the time when I was younger because of things I heard people doing to each other all over the world.

Why?!  Why?!  Why?!

Killing and hurting each other over things that don’t matter, that don’t mean anything!?  It’s so insane I can’t comprehend it.

Who FUCKING CARES if people are gay?!  I don’t understand what that has to do with ANYTHING that is important.  They are human beings!  And they deserve to be loved and nurtured and cared for and happy the same as the rest of us!  Any GOD who says that two people who love each other are in sin is WRONG.  I don’t fucking care who it is, I will tell any God to his face that they are wrong in this matter!

And nobody, NOBODY should be homeless or hungry.  No fucking body.  I don’t care if they are lazy, assholes, or straight up serial killers.  NOBODY should be homeless or hungry.  That’s not something you GODDAMN FUCKING EARN!  There are some things that each and every person should get to have no matter who they are or how they behave . . . and food and shelter are two of those things.  The third is love.  Everybody . . . everybody should be made to feel loved.

And the prison system!  We act like we have nothing to do with how the people in the prison system are.  We act like our decisions and choices as a community or nation have nothing to do whatsoever with the way the people in the prison system are.  They are nothing more than our scapegoats.  At some point in their lives they were neglected and failed by their families and communities and they are paying the price for all of our failures.  People are scared of them and judge them . . . but THEY are the things about ourselves that we don’t want to acknowledge or deal with.

Mental institutions?  Same thing.

And guess what?  It’s gotten so out of control that it’s catching up to us.  We won’t be able to run from ourselves anymore.  Everyone will start seeing how they are the very thing that they judge.  That they are the very thing they hate and fear in one form or another.  How this world isn’t real, only the souls and spirits in it . . . and how you treat the souls and spirits in it is of far more importance than anything physical you see.

{Sigh}

I love you.  I love each of you.  I can feel you in my heart, and your hurts are my hurts.  Your happiness is my happiness.  I don’t care what you’ve done in the past . . . I want you to know happiness . . . I want you to know love.  I want you to feel like you belong.  I want you to feel like someone would care if something happened to you.  I want you to know uninhibited joy.  I want you to feel seen.  I want you to feel heard.  I want you to feel like you matter.

Because you do.  You mean the world to me.

Living in Grace – Doing Virgo Right

Well, it’s that time of year again when the Sun is making it’s way through Virgo.  Or what I like to call the “you are currently incarnated in a human body and you need to come to peace with it” sign.

When I was first studying Astrology, I was given a very dismal impression of Virgo.  Most texts tend to paint the sign into an analytical, critical, uptight perfectionist, hypochondriac corner.  Yeah, you sound like a hoot, Virgo.

I don’t have any natal planets in Virgo, and yet, this sign has a huge part to play in my life.  All of us have it somewhere in our chart/life.  So listen up, because it applies to all of us.

Virgo is ruled by the planet Mercury (as is Gemini), and rules the 6th house of the natural zodiac.  The traditional premise behind 6th house is regarding our “job” in life.  What we do for a living day to day.  How do we serve life while in life?  For some people it’s their actual job, for some it’s what they do on the side (i.e. hobby), and for some it’s just their existence.  It’s also known as the house of health and healer.  It used to be known as the house of servants.  But now it’s understood as the house of service (how do we serve in life).  Being of service is a completely different concept than being a servant.  It’s also the house that rules pets.  Awwww.  Where would we be without our furry friends?

There’s what I understood of Virgo when learning Astrology, and then there is how I’ve come to understand it in real life experiences.  It’s those understandings that I’d like to share with you today.

Have you ever had a moment in life, when everything seems to have come together . . . the planets have aligned . . . everything comes into focus . . . and something wonderful, warm, and beautiful spreads through you.  Life is glowing, bright, and it feels like nothing could possibly go wrong.  Your eyes are sparkling, you feel wide open to whatever the day holds.  You feel whole, love, nurtured, happy.  You just want to shout, “It feels GOOD to be alive!!!!”

Or have you ever felt so at peace and content with the moment.  You’re just moving with the flow and doing whatever is needed at the moment without resistance or fight.  And it feels good.  Singing while folding the laundry.  Dancing while vacuuming.  Feeling such a deep, content, warmth for life in general and all that involves.  You attend to whatever needs to be happening at the moment (even if it’s nothing) with such openness, love, caring, and tenderness.  With joy and happiness in your heart and soul.  Even if you’re scrubbing the toilet.  You are doing these things from the heart and not for anything in return.  Not for appreciation, thanks, attention or anything from others.  You do it *only* because you feel moved to.  True service.

Those are a couple examples of Virgo at its finest.

Have you ever felt times when every little, single, solitary thing was driving you insane.  The kitchen floor is sticky.  Spots on the glasses.  The squeak you hear in the car every time you drive over a bump.  That one section of hair that won’t stay down.  The smell in the bathroom.  The trash that didn’t quite make it into the garbage can.  The neighbor’s TV volume is too loud.  Something sticky all over the shelves in the refrigerator.  AAAARRRGGGHHHH!!! It’s always something!  Nothing is ever okay, and if something is wrong . . . EVERYTHING IS WRONG!

Or how about the feeling like every single day is the same drudgery.  Day in, day out, same old thing.  You get up and eat breakfast.  You go to school or work (both suck equally).  You go through your routine.  You’re unhappy, but whatcha gonna do?  You run errands.  You drop off the kids, you pick up the kids.  You get groceries, cook dinner, feed the animals (and the pets).  The whole time, you’re dreaming of the day that you get to do what you *really* want to do.  But, this stupid “life” thing keeps getting in the way.  You go to bed.  You can’t sleep because you have all this jibber jabber going on in your head.  You contemplate running away and joining a circus.  You wonder if this is all there is to life, and what happened to your dreams?  But let’s get real, that’s never going to happen.  You suddenly wake up to your alarm going off and repeat it all over again.  Nothing ever changes.  Little by little, your life drains away until you become old and bitter.

{Big Sigh}

Those are a couple examples of Virgo being a freaking stick in the mud.

Just to help set the scene to better understand the remainder of what I want to share, here is a minor detour.

There are 12 zodiac signs.  Every sign has another sign across from it.  Those two signs across from each other are known as an axis.  This is very important information.  The sign across from Virgo is Pisces.  Pisces is the “other side”, the divine, “home”/heaven, imagination, dreams, escapism, martyr/victim, sinner/saints, spirituality, hippies, alcoholism, fog, confusion, etc.  It seems like the opposite of focused, clear, anal-retentive Virgo.

But here’s how they’re two sides of the same coin.

Pisces is the eternal part of us.  It’s our connection to the place where our eternal selves are from.  Virgo, is the eternal part of ourselves living a life within a physical body and all of the awesome things that go along with that.

We need food, love, and shelter.  These are not concerns when in Pisces where you can survive off of ether.  They are very much a concern when in Virgo.  When we are unable to get necessities for living in body, our health fails.  When we have trouble dealing with life, we try to escape it.  That’s going from Virgo –> Pisces.  Escapism.  It could be through alcohol, drugs, tv, shopping, meditating, spiritualism, denial, being a victim, etc.  Pretty much anything can be used to avoid being a participant in life.  We are super clever beings.

Virgo rules the lower intestines.  When you’re stressed out over the details and non-important things in life or worrying, and you get stomach cramps . . . you’re manifesting Virgo issues.  When you become closed to participating in life (in any number of forms and in any number of ways), it actually tightens this area inside your body.  The more you try to escape from your body, the more this closes and the more ill you become.  When you’ve shut life out completely . . . you have effectively become the Living Dead.  You are a ghost.  Your body is operating and you’re going through the motions . . . but you are as good as dead.

The paradox with the Virgo/Pisces axis (each axis of the zodiac has a paradox that is actually the resolution of duality between the two . . . Gemini’s domain) is that the more you try to escape to Pisces (bliss, heaven, spirituality, compassion/unconditional love, god, illusion, non-existence, avoidance) the further away it becomes and the more you suffer physically.  Same for Virgo.  The more you try to lose yourself in your physical life (I’m looking at you, work-a-holics) and avoid your spiritual side, the further from life you become and get lost in the Pisces fog or become a perpetual victim of circumstances.

When this axis is out of whack in your life, you become cut off from one or the other.  You either become lost in spiritual idealism and can’t seem to connect or understand how to “do” life (i.e. . . . “I can’t because I’m too sensitive” . . . everything overwhelms you), or you get so stuck in physical life that you actually believe that that is all you are and all there is and forget the eternal part of yourself.  You can’t see the forest for the trees.  You’re lost in pointless details and think there is NO other way than the suckiness that is.  Life loses meaning or purpose.

When an open flow is happening between the two, and reconciliation of duality has occurred . . .

Life.Becomes.Breathtaking.

It is how “living in the moment” happens.  It is living in a constant state of grace.  You are open to life.  Life itself becomes so beautiful that it brings you to tears.  You have such love, warmth, and patience for everything and everyone.  You become capable of giving unconditional love.  But you are able to define and enforce boundaries.  You understand yourself as an individual separate from others, but you are simultaneously aware of the connection and sacredness of all of existence.  Life becomes a living, moving, breathing meditation.

You are open to life and all it has to offer.  The good, bad, and the ugly.  You don’t shy from responsibilities . . . you openly face whatever comes your way and needs to be dealt with.  You are in love with life.  You are connected to your own inner moral compass and no longer need validation or approval from outside of yourself.  You are able to truly serve in life.  You are able to truly live.  There is no need to rush or force anything.  You know when to be still and when to move.  You are able to see how all of the details fit into the bigger picture, and so understand what is truly important and what can be released.  You don’t sweat the small stuff.

You start to live life as it was meant to be lived.  You understand that there are all kinds of things we get to experience while in human form that we aren’t able to experience while in higher vibrations.  And as a Soul, we WANT to experience these things in physical life.  We want to know what sadness feels like.  We want to know what loss feels like.  Because outside of physical life, we KNOW that we can’t lose anyone.  Only here, while in physical body and with temporary forgetfulness, are we capable of feeling loss.

We didn’t come here to AVOID Life!!!!  This is a gift.  This is an opportunity.  FEEL it all. Be in the experience.  Not just the good, but also the “bad”.  Let yourself MOURN.  Do it with gusto.  Open up wide and let it out . . . let it go.  Don’t hold it tight in your body.  That’s how we get sick.  We hold tightly onto these things we feel or tighten ourselves against feeling those things . . . and by doing so we close ourselves off from life and living.

We may spend all of our time analyzing things in order to keep from anything bad from happening.  That is a form of avoidance of life.  You cannot control life.  You cannot stop the bad from happening, because it is a part of life.  Get.over.it.  If you live your life as it was meant to be lived, then you will have plenty of reserves to be capable of handling the harder times.  But if you spend all of your life energy being afraid of it or trying to avoid it, then you’ll be all tapped out during the harder times.

We may put all of our attention into obsessing over health and fitness, and being so anal about the calories or types of food we put into our bodies . . . that we totally miss that the restrictions we are putting on ourselves are keeping us from opening up and enjoying life as it is.  A ninja form of avoidance.  Becoming so focused on the details of body upkeep, that we STILL end up missing the real point of life.  (Hint: It’s not about being a health nut.)

While the sun moves through Virgo (end of Aug, most of Sept.), it sheds light on all areas of our life affected by this sign.  Have we become so strict with ourselves about how we live . . . that we have effectively squeezed the life out of ourselves?  Do we live open and excited about the opportunities we have been given with this life . . . or are we tolerating life and limping/crawling to the finish line?  Is our perspective too small, or do we think outside of the box for new solutions.

If you are someone who *must* analyze things (I’m totally included in this), then ask yourself what is stopping you from openly, full-heartedly shouting “I LOVE LIFE!!” . . . and whatever it is . . . get over it.

Pretty Details

The pretty details of Life

In Love With Life Itself

I’m kind of digging the current energy.  Or maybe it’s just the new music I downloaded.

Or probably because my fiancée has come in from The Netherlands for a few months, and I’m in hog heaven.

Isn’t it interesting how when you’re in the throes of being in love the world glows beautiful and you sing right through the irritations of life, with a shoulder shrug and raised eyebrows of compassionate understanding?

Or maybe that’s just me.

But I have wondered how my  whole world can change from a feeling.  What is going on when you first fall in love, that isn’t going on during the rest of your life?  Are we only meant to have those few brief encounters during life where we open up to life so much that we connect into the feeling of Divinity?

Because to me . . . it feels how I think Life *should* feel.  I feel it should be the Rule, not the exception.

I tried it as an experiment once.  Back when I was still single. . . and had been for quite some time. . . I wanted to know if I could induce that feeling of first being in love.  I guess it could be called method acting for my own role in Life.  I recalled the times I had felt that kind of love, and enveloped myself into those feelings.

It was a little tricky at first, because usually there is a person who is the focus of your affections and who sends you into those great feelings that light up your whole world.  I didn’t have that, so I had to get creative.  I decided to try being in love with myself in that way.  Like I had just rocked my own world.  : D  (Ha!)

It felt a little awkward, and I think I would’ve died a million deaths from embarrassment had anyone found out what I was doing at the time.  I put my stubbornness, curiosity, and will power to good use.  I closed my eyes and went into my imagination and spun a world of pretend so elaborate and real, I would’ve made my Kindergarten teacher proud.

First, I pretended that it wasn’t weird that I was doing it in the first place.  Kind of like starting with a clean state.  And then I pretended that, even though I didn’t know the details of this exciting moment in my life, I had just met the most wonderful person in my life.  They made my heart flutter.  Being with this person made everything feel okay.  I was able to be completely myself and this person thought it was AWESOME.

After an embarrassingly long time of this part of the pretend, I moved the focus into the exciting discovery, that this amazing person. . . was Me!  Yay!  Who knew?!

And then I felt the *pulse* in my heart.  I felt the skip that the heart skips when your beloved comes to mind.  I had a moment of teary-eyed wonderment of being In Love.  I felt my being open up, like I was unfolding wings to take flight.  My perception of the world widened from it’s tight focus inside of me, to encompassing the entire World.

It was marvelous.

As soon as I knew it was even possible to experience this while still single, I was sent into a frenzy of possibilities.  I was pretty sure I had stumbled across the Fountain of Youth.

Something magical happened, when I tried to sustain it for longer and longer periods of time.  A shift happened, that went from focusing on me being in love with me. . . to me being in Love with Life.  That very same feeling of first being love. . . except it was with everything surrounding me.  Where ever I walked, whatever I was doing, I felt incredible love and appreciation for all of it.

The highs in life, the lows, it was all beautiful.  Everyone in my view was beautiful, both in their sorrow and in their happiness and everything in-between.  I wished the best for everyone I passed on the street.  I could feel the eternal song I feel coming from my heart, flowing outwards to everything in my world.

I felt strong enough to handle anything.  I felt protected and loved.  I felt like everything was going to be just fine for all of us, no matter what happens.  I felt such love and understanding for everyone’s struggle in life, and even proud of all of us for continuing on despite the challenges and heartbreak we’ve all experienced at one time or another.

So many strong and beautiful people everywhere I looked.  I wanted to sing out loud, a heartfelt song to each and every person. . . letting them know that they aren’t alone. . . that it’s all going to be okay. . . that they are loved. . . that they are so beautiful in the eyes of the Divine.

The current energy feels very supportive of this way of being.  If I allow it to settle deep into me, I feel so sentimental, supportive, loving, nurturing, understanding.  I feel open joy at being in this world with you guys, and experiencing all the crazy things we get to experience together.  And later, after it’s all done. . . . we’ll think back on these times and laugh and laugh and laugh. . . whew!  {Big Deep Sigh} Good times, good times.

Multi colored sky