The Rising Has Begun

I’ve had to take a little bit of time to think.

I’ve found myself wandering into new scenery and I’m having to move a little slower than usual to take in all the new sights and understand what is going on.

I feel very much how I’d imagine Alice in Wonderland felt when she found herself in a strange new land, including the mindless need to repeatedly say, “Curiouser and curiouser”.

Whenever we move into new phases in our lives, there is a transition period where you’re having to adjust from how you used to see yourself to how you are now starting to see yourself.  For example, when you move out of adolescence and into adulthood.

I am going through one of those shifts right now . . . except I didn’t know I’d experience a shift of this nature at my age.  I thought that once you made it solidly into adulthood . . . that you didn’t experience another shift of this nature until you were more towards the retiring years.  So . . . I guess previously I had thought (subconsciously), “This is it for me.  I never quite bloomed, but I didn’t quite fail miserably either.”

But then I start to wonder to myself . . . whether I had never fully matured in the first place.  I know they talk about someone being a late bloomer . . . but what does that even mean?  (<– has no idea.)  And because I’ve been known to take things to the extreme, I wouldn’t put it past me to take being a “late bloomer” to a whole new level.

When I really think about the whole concept . . . and the more I take stock on the whole of my life so far . . . the more it starts to dawn on me that no, I never really did bloom.  I never really did come out of my shell, or come into my own, or however you want to say it.

Things are beginning to feel different to me.  People are responding differently to me.  I’m responding differently . . . but it still somehow feels natural to me.  It all feels like a natural unfolding or product of the flow of life.  I have these moments where I start to see or more fully understand what is going on with me, and I start to tear up.  “It’s happening.”

Those moments come with realizations that everything up until now has been preparation in building a solid foundation within myself.  I have been learning, watching, observing, taking notes, contemplating, philosophizing, experimenting.  I have been taking my slow methodical turtle-like way through life.

Also in those moments, I become aware that I’ve been one of many people standing in a large crowd.  A large crowd of people who have been looking all around . . . high and low . . . far and near . . . to see who is in charge.  I’ve been one of the ones who have been waiting for a leader to appear.  Waiting for someone to step up.

And then suddenly becoming aware that slowly over time, more and more eyes had started to turn my way . . . and it dawning on me that the reason I can’t find the leader I’m looking for . . . is because I am her.  I am the leader that I’ve been looking for.

That’s what those moments feel like to me.

They make me start to cry because in those momentary flashes, I see myself in a way I’ve never seen before.  I become overwhelmed with emotion, because I really didn’t know . . . I really didn’t see my value up until this point.  So these flashes are a shock to my whole world perception.

{flash} “I matter?” {flash}

{flash} “I have something of value to offer others?” {flash}

I feel in an (almost) effortless manner, the person . . . the woman that I have always known myself to be inside, is starting to show herself on the outside.  It very much feels like a Disney moment where a wand is swished and a transformation takes place.  Except it’s in much slower motion.  So . . . maybe a time lapse of a couple of months speeded up would be more accurate.

But not any less magical.

I’m finding that the peacefulness that comes over me in those moments, is because I finally feel validated by life in general.  I feel a renewal in faith . . . in knowing that there truly was a reason that I went through everything I did.  I feel very humbled and satisfied inside . . . I no longer feel any need to try and prove anything . . . not even to myself.  I feel like I can let go of trying to force a purpose to my life just to make it tolerable.

I know that no matter what . . . I am okay.  That everything is going to be okay.  That everything *is* okay.

I feel complete confidence that I have been thoroughly prepared for whatever life has in store for me next.

I know I was made for *this* . . . whatever *this* is . . . because I don’t know yet what any of it means.  I am only starting to sense that the something I’ve been preparing for . . . for many, many lifetimes . . . is now beginning to come into physicality.  I feel it swelling in me while I shift and transform into something new.

I am surprised by what’s happening . . . while simultaneously remembering that I had been planning this all along at some other, long-forgotten level in my being.

I feel something wonderful . . . loving . . . powerful . . . rising in me.

Something new to this life . . . but ancient to time.

And I do not feel that I am alone in this.

Something at a deep level in humanity is happening right now.

Something has begun.

Something that we have been waiting for.

No one will be left unaffected.

In the end, we will all be transformed.

Even though it may still be too subtle for you to feel . . . even though it may still be too quiet for you to hear . . . even though it may still be too translucent for you to see . . . that *something* you have been waiting for . . . has begun.

Why Bear

Drop That Mad Bass

{head bopping}

{foot tapping}

{head bopping more}

{foot tapping travels up the leg}

{hips start to move}

{shoulders shifting}

Commence full blown chair dancing.

It doesn’t matter if I’m driving . . . if I’m standing at a crosswalk . . . or sitting at my desk at work making Excel spreadsheets my bitch, if a song has gotten into my blood . . . *this* bitch is going to dance.

The crazy part is that I’m actually quite shy.  And also I hate to be seen doing anything silly.  If I’m anything but composed, I go crimson red.

But music . . . oh man . . . music does something to me.

I grew up in a military family, so I don’t really have a single place to call home.  For 5 of those wandering years, I lived in the deep south of the USA.  It was during the 80s when rap and thumping bass started to make it’s arrival onto the music scene.

Booming bass.  O.M.G.

Get a song with good bass and rhythm . . . and it’s just not.possible for me to sit still.  If I do, I’m in an emergency state of sadness and someone needs to perform emergency ridiculous dance moves and force me to join in.

When a good dance song comes on, my body starts to move on its own.  It centers from the center of my hip area and radiates out.  It’s in the deepest part of my bones.  It’s in all of my muscles.  It’s in my blood and runs through my heart.

I played classical flute for 20 years.  I received many medals and recognition for the short time I played in organized music groups.  The feedback I consistently received was my uncanny ability to keep time.  Rhythm.  It would be hard for me to *not* keep time.  It pounds from my inner being and outward through the rest of my being.  Tick . . . Tick . . . Tick.  Well for classical music it ticks ticks or hums me into a place of mystical enchantment where the sirens sing and play.  I move more towards soft floaty places.

But for bass dance songs . . . it B  O  O  M   r a d i a t e   r e v e r b e r a t e s  my whole body open.  I become very . . . very.  .  .  g r o u n d e d and present in body.

I don’t have to do shit . . . I lean into it and surrender to the energy and force that comes from some secret doorway in the center of my being . . . and in response to the music it courses through and moves my body for me.

That is . . . until my mind gets in the way and I become self conscious.  Not because I’m worried about what they think about my goofy ass made up dance, but because to me it is like being seen naked in public.  In that moment I’m completely unguarded.  You are seeing me uninhibited.  The same state that others typically only feel when alone naked in bed with another human.  That’s my feeling and experience when I feel the music take me over.  It is so personal and intimate to me.

Same with my singing.  I can barely squeak a note out when anyone is within a mile of me.  My throat starts to constrict and become dry.

But in the car alone, with all the windows up . . . oh sweet baby jesus . . . my whole core opens up wide and the force of which I only experience in those rare moments comes roaring from deep within me and shakes my whole body like a plane going through turbulence and wind shears.  Something more than just a need to sing is coming through me.

I’ve spent years just getting to a place to feel safe enough to sing that openly when I’m by myself.  I’m not sure I’ll be able to get much past that in this lifetime.

But my dancing.  I’ve made more progress there because, who cares what I look like.  Maybe to me it feels like I’m naked in front of everyone.  But they don’t need to know that.  Plus . . . it feels too damn good to just let it out.

{head bopping}

{foot tapping}

( ( ( ( ( ( B  O  O  M   r a d i a t e   r e v e r b e r a t e ) ) ) ) ) )

( ( ( ( ( ( B  O  O  M   r a d i a t e   r e v e r b e r a t e ) ) ) ) ) )

Drop The Beat

( ( ( ( ( ( B  O  O  M   r a d i a t e   r e v e r b e r a t e ) ) ) ) ) )

Consciously Walking Between The Worlds

I have noticed lately that if I have my guard up at all, I start becoming incredibly sick almost instantly.  As soon as I drop it . . . insta-better.  It’s like a light switch in myself that I’m learning how to have conscious control over.  A bit like trying to learn how to wiggle your ears without moving any other part of your body.  A little weird, but so worth it.

When I feel scared or uncertain for extended periods of time, I tend to close up or put up a defense.  And while this did a great job of protecting me when I was younger, it’s now become a hindrance.

Ways that I know for myself that I’m operating with my guard up:

  • I feel alone and isolated from everyone else.
  • I feel colder and more cynical about life in general.
  • I can’t see the bigger picture
  • I can’t enjoy anything.  Everything gives me anxiety.  I don’t feel okay in my own skin.
  • I become hyper-sensitive to everything, allergies go berserk.
  • I start to feel exhausted in body and soul, and like I’m not going to make it to the “finish line”.
  • I can’t feel my emotions.  I’m intellectually aware of my emotions, but I can’t feel them in my body.
  • Life begins to lose meaning and I don’t feel like I have a purpose.
  • Comprehension skills go to hell.  My thoughts become disordered and disconnected.  Everything feels confusing and complicated.
  • I become paranoid/scared, and feel like the world and everyone in it thinks I’m a terrible person.
  • Insincere “love and light” comments make me feel violent.
  • When someone tries to force my attention away from me, a temper tantrum tries to happen.
  • The radius of my awareness is kept very close to me.  I’m trying to keep myself small so that no one notices me and potentially hurts me while I’m down and not able to defend myself.
  • I am only able to do the bare minimum required to get through the day.
  • I don’t feel like I *get* or can handle life.
  • An increased tendency to avoid things that I know I need to deal with.
  • Every little solitary thing I have to do in a day, becomes a HUGE deal.  Nothing seems to go smoothly, everything feels forced.
  • It’s hard to be in public at all, and I can’t hold conversations with anyone.
  • My self-confidence plummets.
  • I am unable to be present in the moment.  I’m not grounded in my body.
  • I have no desire to dance . . . not even alone in my room.
  • I don’t have the depth of air and strength to sing along with my music in my car.
  • I am unable to be creative.
  • I have no inspiration.

Physical symptoms:

  • My stomach cramps/tightens. (Upper half of my body feels separate from my lower half.)
  • Weak all over.
  • Nauseous
  • My throat feels like it’s trying to close, almost like it’s swelling from an allergic reaction.  Sometimes gets sore.
  • I start losing lots of hair.
  • One or both kidneys start to ache.
  • Zero.Libido.
  • Pain in my lower spine and tailbone that becomes intolerable.
  • My toes in my left foot start to tense and flex and hurt in general.
  • Difficulties in going to the bathroom.
  • Monthly cycle becomes hell on earth.
  • Weight gain even though I haven’t changed my diet.
  • My lower jaw tenses to the point of being painful.

I’m sure I’ve missed things, but that’s more than enough.  The fascinating part, is that they all disappear when I consciously work on dropping my guard.  It’s hard for me to define exactly what I mean when I say dropping my guard.  You could also say that it’s what people mean when they say that you are *opened* or *closed*.

The best way I know how to say it for now, is that one is living life through the perception filter of fear . . . and one is living life through the perception filter of love.  One is walking through life feeling inside like everyone hates or want to hurts you . . . and the other is walking through life feeling inside like everyone is a friend.

One is walking through life afraid of all the terrible things that might happen . . . and the other is walking through life excited about all the great things that might happen.

One is thinking that the details are all of existence . . . and the other is seeing all of existence in the details.

One is being dead before you die . . . and the other is making the decision to *want* to be here in life and coming to peace with it.  Quit trying to check out, escape, or wait for it to be how you want it before you’ll agree to engage in it.

If I have to clean the kitty litter . . . I can do it with my body all tightened up, and bitch and complain about it the whole time I’m doing it.  Squeeze myself small, trying to pretend I’m not actually standing there scooping up cat poop.  <— That’s an example of how we live life closed, small, shut down.  It has a physical effect on our body.  Do it over a lifetime . . . and cleaning the kitty litter just might be the death of you.

I love my kitties.  My kitties need the litter box.  I am their caretaker.  Therefore, it’s my responsibility to take care of it.  I am happy to.  I love having them in my life, and they’ve brought 6+ years and counting of total snuggle happiness into my life.  I *choose* to let myself feel joy in doing that for them.  It is my pleasure.  I had to practice it a bajillion times consciously before it became my natural response . . . but I did it.  And now my body is open and receptive to that task.  I don’t shut down and go dark in myself while I’m doing it.  I’m present and open while I do it.  I allow the smell to be there without shrinking in disgust.  It is what it is.  It’s a necessity of life.  It’s a part of experiencing life in a physical body, why do we make such a huge deal about it?

When I’m being vigilant and true to myself . . . I am like this in ALL of my household chores.  I enjoy taking my time being in the moment while vacuuming.  I might sing while I do it.  I might dance.  I let my imagination go free.  Who says we have to do those things all stressed out and upset?  That’s silly.  It’s a part of being here.  What would happen if kids grew up watching their parents clean, nurture, and take care of the home with such happiness and joy?  They would naturally want to help and be a part of it.  Plus, the house would literally be filled with love.  No matter where you went in the house, it would be oozing with love and care.

When things like cleaning my house became fun and joyful . . . a whole new world opened up in my life.  I quit dreading and trying to avoid life.  My health . . . which was pretty bad . . . completely turned around.  Instead of tightening my body trying to disappear and pretend like I wasn’t there or like it wasn’t happening . . . I let go and expanded my awareness so that I was always present . . . even in the face of cat poop.

So that’s what I mean by having my defense or guard up  – resisting or going against life . . . and dropping my guard – opening up to life and participating.  Not hiding from life and everything in it.

Since this post is already monstrous . . . here’s another list of some of the things I experience when I drop my guard.

How I feel when I drop my guard (or at least starting to drop it) :

  • Feeling summed up in one sentence: The sun comes back out.
  • I *almost* feel like I’m giving up, but instead of collapsing in on myself, I expand my awareness while staying consciously aware and letting it take me where ever it is I need to be in order to feel better, and then it slides into a surrender of what is . . . and I feel inside like I’m falling into love.  Sinking into a big warm pink and golden fluffy cotton candy clouds that soothe my entire body and being with acceptance and love.
  • I enjoy every single thing I’m doing. Everything becomes fun and a piece of cake. (yum.cake.)
  • My head feels completely clear, I can see whatever situation I’m dealing with inside out and upside down with clarity and ease.
  • All of the aches and pains leave my body . . . I start to feel weightless.
  • I start to hum or sing and/or dance without being self-conscious about it.  It just feels like the most natural thing to be doing in that moment.
  • I feel all of my emotions deeply within myself.  I call it “feeling with my whole heart”, because that’s how it feels to me when it’s happening.  All of the emotions . . . good or bad . . . feel good to have in this place.  It feels right.  It feels supported.
  • I feel at ease and like there’s no need to rush anything . . . ever.  In that space, I get about ten times the things done that I normally do in the same time frame, and with zero stress.  I call this magic.
  • I am fully aware at all times what is most important in that moment and what can wait.  I’m able to keep shifting priorities around in real-time with next to no effort.
  • My awareness feels like it’s all encompassing . . . it feels like it is everywhere and nowhere at the same time.  Everything feels open and full of opportunities and possibilities.
  • I feel an incredible warmth and love for every person I come in contact with, as well as humanity in general.  I feel incredible love and gratitude for each person just for existing.  It is a deep and genuine feeling.  It makes me want to cry actual tears of joy and pride . . . for . . . I don’t know . . . showing up?  I guess for showing up to life . . . for being born here at this time in our history . . . it’s very difficult to express this incredibly deep and yet insanely expansive feeling that just starts filling up my whole being.
  • I have no desire in me to try and change anyone.  I feel very safe and secure in myself and I’m okay with other people being however they are in that moment too, and zero feeling of needing to judge them.
  • I feel at peace inside.
  • Insight, visions, clarity, information, connections, ideas, inspirations, solutions, etc. become a continuous river flowing through me that I’m able to tap into at any moment for anything that may be needed.
  • I feel fully capable and confident in being able to handle whatever life throws my way.
  • My whole body feels very young again and like someone oiled all of my joints.
  • I can easily breathe fully and deeply.
  • I lose my weight almost overnight, even with no diet change.
  • I have tons of energy.
  • I wake up feeling excited about what new adventures life will bring me for that day.  What new thing will I find out?  What new idea will I have?  What new experience will I have?
  • I start becoming inspired with things that might be helpful for others.  I start seeing all kinds of possibilities of what I could do with my life that I couldn’t even begin to imagine previously.
  • I can’t wait to be around other people.
  • I’m not embarrassed about a single thing about myself or how I am in private or public.  The things I do arise from such joy that I just don’t care what someone else is thinking about it.  I become “Me” out loud and I feel like I have no choice but to be that.  The best thing another person could do with me in that moment, is to shamelessly join me in my ridiculousness.  If they have the courage and heart to do that . . . they automatically have my full love and affection.
  • I laugh.  A lot.  And loudly.
  • I love doing new things.
  • I lose all my fear of public speaking.
  • I’m able to be fully emotionally present for others, especially when dealing emotionally with things like death/afterlife . . . both physical and symbolic (life transformations).  I am very comfortable in that space, even in my joy.
  • It feels like everything around me literally brightens . . . and starts to *sparkle*.
  • I feel warm, loved, and fully accepted by life.  I want everyone to feel that way too.

It is possible to consciously move between these states of mind.  I’ve done it.  I do it.  I still teeter.  Things happen, I fall off the horse. . . . but I always find my way back because that’s a part of who I am.  Figuring all these things out, learning, practicing, determination, persistence, strong will, love, patience . . . helped show me who I am.  I didn’t let others decide for me who I am or what I need to do or be . . . I decided for myself.  I’ve picked myself up from failure countless times.  But I keep going, I keep trying because I know . . . I know the answer is out there and I know I can figure it out.  I believe in myself and I believe in life.

A puzzle I put together entitled "Searching for Peace".

A puzzle I put together entitled “Search for Peace”.

Let the Sunshine In

I woke up yesterday morning feeling like my dreams had spent the night trying to cheer me up.  Trying to show me  . . . Me.

It was a series of various scenarios trying to show me new perspectives of myself.

One, I was with a woman who I seemed to be good friends with in the dream, and we were out running errands or something.  She got a call from a friend who needed something.  When she hung up, she was venting and frustrated.  “God! It’s always something with her!  It’s not like with you, where everything feels like an adventure!”

Then she went off to help the other woman.  After she had gone, I went and sat in my car for a little bit, confused.  I was the fun one?  I was the one that she’d rather hang out with?  And because it was a dream, and dreams being magical in their own right, I opened up to the idea.

And just like I wrote about in my post To Love and Be Loved, I got to feel how the other person experienced and felt me.  It’s like my brain pretended my friend was me and vice versa.  And when the feeling overcame me, I thought . . . O.O  “Oh my god, *She* is so fun.  Everything *does* feel like an adventure.  And magical!  It took what was previously a cold, too real, sobering day . . . and made it feel fun and warm and sparkly.

Transitioning back to me being me, and her being her . . . was a little hard.  It was hard for me to own my own goodness . . . but it also felt really, really good to allow that possibility into me.  And I can’t say this word enough . . . but humbling.  Humbling in every sense of the word.  This is not false modesty, trying to say it was hard to own my goodness.  Me not believing deep in my heart that I’m a good person, has been my reality for a really long time.

{Pay extra attention here . . .  : ) —>}  It’s been my reality for a really long time, because I’ve been surrounded by others who really do not believe deep in their heart that they are good people either.

How many of you reading this, are *hoping* that you’re a good person . . . but deep inside . . . you’re not really sure?

And maybe there is a part of you that is kind of afraid of finding out the truth?

Well . . . just in case nobody has ever told you . . .

You *are* a good person.

Eh, so you’ve made some mistakes.  You’ve got some shadows wrapped around parts of you, making you believe temporarily that you’re less than perfect.

But underneath it all . . . you are a good person.

It’s never too late for a fresh start.  To shake it all off and try again.

Be tender, gentle, and loving with yourself.

And allow the idea to sink into you.

Let go of your judgments, guilt, shame, hurt . . .

And even if it’s just for 30 seconds . . . pretend that it IS true.

That you *are* loved.  That you *are* loving.  That all has been forgiven.

That you get another chance.  That you get to make new choices this time.

That nothing is set in stone.  *Anything* could happen.

You don’t know from moment to moment what might change . . . and that’s kind of exciting, because it means that something awesome you’ve never thought of could come out of the blue expanding your perception and experience of life.

I mean, what if you walked around the corner and ran into your favorite actor!  That would be surprising, right?  And would change your outlook on life for a little bit.

If you’re looking at life as this endless routine . . . then that can be kind of depressing.

But if you look at life as a “oh!  What might happen today?!” kind of way . . . then life will rise to your challenge.

It will go out of its way to find ways to surprise you and make you giggle.

Life likes to make us smile and giggle.

Life likes to play and have fun with us.  And so understandably it gets depressed when we stop doing that.

We keep playing the game of “pretend I’m not something amazing and shiny”.

And I don’t want to brag, but I’m kind of tight with Life, and it wanted me to tell you that that game is soooo lame and it doesn’t want to play it anymore.

So . . . there you go.  You’re being lame.

; )

A lamp post watching over two hot air balloons.

A lamp post watching over two hot air balloons.

Living in Grace – Doing Virgo Right

Well, it’s that time of year again when the Sun is making it’s way through Virgo.  Or what I like to call the “you are currently incarnated in a human body and you need to come to peace with it” sign.

When I was first studying Astrology, I was given a very dismal impression of Virgo.  Most texts tend to paint the sign into an analytical, critical, uptight perfectionist, hypochondriac corner.  Yeah, you sound like a hoot, Virgo.

I don’t have any natal planets in Virgo, and yet, this sign has a huge part to play in my life.  All of us have it somewhere in our chart/life.  So listen up, because it applies to all of us.

Virgo is ruled by the planet Mercury (as is Gemini), and rules the 6th house of the natural zodiac.  The traditional premise behind 6th house is regarding our “job” in life.  What we do for a living day to day.  How do we serve life while in life?  For some people it’s their actual job, for some it’s what they do on the side (i.e. hobby), and for some it’s just their existence.  It’s also known as the house of health and healer.  It used to be known as the house of servants.  But now it’s understood as the house of service (how do we serve in life).  Being of service is a completely different concept than being a servant.  It’s also the house that rules pets.  Awwww.  Where would we be without our furry friends?

There’s what I understood of Virgo when learning Astrology, and then there is how I’ve come to understand it in real life experiences.  It’s those understandings that I’d like to share with you today.

Have you ever had a moment in life, when everything seems to have come together . . . the planets have aligned . . . everything comes into focus . . . and something wonderful, warm, and beautiful spreads through you.  Life is glowing, bright, and it feels like nothing could possibly go wrong.  Your eyes are sparkling, you feel wide open to whatever the day holds.  You feel whole, love, nurtured, happy.  You just want to shout, “It feels GOOD to be alive!!!!”

Or have you ever felt so at peace and content with the moment.  You’re just moving with the flow and doing whatever is needed at the moment without resistance or fight.  And it feels good.  Singing while folding the laundry.  Dancing while vacuuming.  Feeling such a deep, content, warmth for life in general and all that involves.  You attend to whatever needs to be happening at the moment (even if it’s nothing) with such openness, love, caring, and tenderness.  With joy and happiness in your heart and soul.  Even if you’re scrubbing the toilet.  You are doing these things from the heart and not for anything in return.  Not for appreciation, thanks, attention or anything from others.  You do it *only* because you feel moved to.  True service.

Those are a couple examples of Virgo at its finest.

Have you ever felt times when every little, single, solitary thing was driving you insane.  The kitchen floor is sticky.  Spots on the glasses.  The squeak you hear in the car every time you drive over a bump.  That one section of hair that won’t stay down.  The smell in the bathroom.  The trash that didn’t quite make it into the garbage can.  The neighbor’s TV volume is too loud.  Something sticky all over the shelves in the refrigerator.  AAAARRRGGGHHHH!!! It’s always something!  Nothing is ever okay, and if something is wrong . . . EVERYTHING IS WRONG!

Or how about the feeling like every single day is the same drudgery.  Day in, day out, same old thing.  You get up and eat breakfast.  You go to school or work (both suck equally).  You go through your routine.  You’re unhappy, but whatcha gonna do?  You run errands.  You drop off the kids, you pick up the kids.  You get groceries, cook dinner, feed the animals (and the pets).  The whole time, you’re dreaming of the day that you get to do what you *really* want to do.  But, this stupid “life” thing keeps getting in the way.  You go to bed.  You can’t sleep because you have all this jibber jabber going on in your head.  You contemplate running away and joining a circus.  You wonder if this is all there is to life, and what happened to your dreams?  But let’s get real, that’s never going to happen.  You suddenly wake up to your alarm going off and repeat it all over again.  Nothing ever changes.  Little by little, your life drains away until you become old and bitter.

{Big Sigh}

Those are a couple examples of Virgo being a freaking stick in the mud.

Just to help set the scene to better understand the remainder of what I want to share, here is a minor detour.

There are 12 zodiac signs.  Every sign has another sign across from it.  Those two signs across from each other are known as an axis.  This is very important information.  The sign across from Virgo is Pisces.  Pisces is the “other side”, the divine, “home”/heaven, imagination, dreams, escapism, martyr/victim, sinner/saints, spirituality, hippies, alcoholism, fog, confusion, etc.  It seems like the opposite of focused, clear, anal-retentive Virgo.

But here’s how they’re two sides of the same coin.

Pisces is the eternal part of us.  It’s our connection to the place where our eternal selves are from.  Virgo, is the eternal part of ourselves living a life within a physical body and all of the awesome things that go along with that.

We need food, love, and shelter.  These are not concerns when in Pisces where you can survive off of ether.  They are very much a concern when in Virgo.  When we are unable to get necessities for living in body, our health fails.  When we have trouble dealing with life, we try to escape it.  That’s going from Virgo –> Pisces.  Escapism.  It could be through alcohol, drugs, tv, shopping, meditating, spiritualism, denial, being a victim, etc.  Pretty much anything can be used to avoid being a participant in life.  We are super clever beings.

Virgo rules the lower intestines.  When you’re stressed out over the details and non-important things in life or worrying, and you get stomach cramps . . . you’re manifesting Virgo issues.  When you become closed to participating in life (in any number of forms and in any number of ways), it actually tightens this area inside your body.  The more you try to escape from your body, the more this closes and the more ill you become.  When you’ve shut life out completely . . . you have effectively become the Living Dead.  You are a ghost.  Your body is operating and you’re going through the motions . . . but you are as good as dead.

The paradox with the Virgo/Pisces axis (each axis of the zodiac has a paradox that is actually the resolution of duality between the two . . . Gemini’s domain) is that the more you try to escape to Pisces (bliss, heaven, spirituality, compassion/unconditional love, god, illusion, non-existence, avoidance) the further away it becomes and the more you suffer physically.  Same for Virgo.  The more you try to lose yourself in your physical life (I’m looking at you, work-a-holics) and avoid your spiritual side, the further from life you become and get lost in the Pisces fog or become a perpetual victim of circumstances.

When this axis is out of whack in your life, you become cut off from one or the other.  You either become lost in spiritual idealism and can’t seem to connect or understand how to “do” life (i.e. . . . “I can’t because I’m too sensitive” . . . everything overwhelms you), or you get so stuck in physical life that you actually believe that that is all you are and all there is and forget the eternal part of yourself.  You can’t see the forest for the trees.  You’re lost in pointless details and think there is NO other way than the suckiness that is.  Life loses meaning or purpose.

When an open flow is happening between the two, and reconciliation of duality has occurred . . .

Life.Becomes.Breathtaking.

It is how “living in the moment” happens.  It is living in a constant state of grace.  You are open to life.  Life itself becomes so beautiful that it brings you to tears.  You have such love, warmth, and patience for everything and everyone.  You become capable of giving unconditional love.  But you are able to define and enforce boundaries.  You understand yourself as an individual separate from others, but you are simultaneously aware of the connection and sacredness of all of existence.  Life becomes a living, moving, breathing meditation.

You are open to life and all it has to offer.  The good, bad, and the ugly.  You don’t shy from responsibilities . . . you openly face whatever comes your way and needs to be dealt with.  You are in love with life.  You are connected to your own inner moral compass and no longer need validation or approval from outside of yourself.  You are able to truly serve in life.  You are able to truly live.  There is no need to rush or force anything.  You know when to be still and when to move.  You are able to see how all of the details fit into the bigger picture, and so understand what is truly important and what can be released.  You don’t sweat the small stuff.

You start to live life as it was meant to be lived.  You understand that there are all kinds of things we get to experience while in human form that we aren’t able to experience while in higher vibrations.  And as a Soul, we WANT to experience these things in physical life.  We want to know what sadness feels like.  We want to know what loss feels like.  Because outside of physical life, we KNOW that we can’t lose anyone.  Only here, while in physical body and with temporary forgetfulness, are we capable of feeling loss.

We didn’t come here to AVOID Life!!!!  This is a gift.  This is an opportunity.  FEEL it all. Be in the experience.  Not just the good, but also the “bad”.  Let yourself MOURN.  Do it with gusto.  Open up wide and let it out . . . let it go.  Don’t hold it tight in your body.  That’s how we get sick.  We hold tightly onto these things we feel or tighten ourselves against feeling those things . . . and by doing so we close ourselves off from life and living.

We may spend all of our time analyzing things in order to keep from anything bad from happening.  That is a form of avoidance of life.  You cannot control life.  You cannot stop the bad from happening, because it is a part of life.  Get.over.it.  If you live your life as it was meant to be lived, then you will have plenty of reserves to be capable of handling the harder times.  But if you spend all of your life energy being afraid of it or trying to avoid it, then you’ll be all tapped out during the harder times.

We may put all of our attention into obsessing over health and fitness, and being so anal about the calories or types of food we put into our bodies . . . that we totally miss that the restrictions we are putting on ourselves are keeping us from opening up and enjoying life as it is.  A ninja form of avoidance.  Becoming so focused on the details of body upkeep, that we STILL end up missing the real point of life.  (Hint: It’s not about being a health nut.)

While the sun moves through Virgo (end of Aug, most of Sept.), it sheds light on all areas of our life affected by this sign.  Have we become so strict with ourselves about how we live . . . that we have effectively squeezed the life out of ourselves?  Do we live open and excited about the opportunities we have been given with this life . . . or are we tolerating life and limping/crawling to the finish line?  Is our perspective too small, or do we think outside of the box for new solutions.

If you are someone who *must* analyze things (I’m totally included in this), then ask yourself what is stopping you from openly, full-heartedly shouting “I LOVE LIFE!!” . . . and whatever it is . . . get over it.

Pretty Details

The pretty details of Life

It’s Happening

There are large cycles.  There are smaller cycles running within the larger cycles like a giant wristwatch full of gears.  Things repeat.  Stories people told about things that happened long ago, later become the prophecy of a future yet to come.  An ebb and flow of forgetting and remembering.

The story is repeated and echoed in all things great and small, waiting patiently to be seen and discovered once again.

This has all happened before, and it will all happen again.

A fine red dust starts to enter Earth’s atmosphere, initially undetectable.  Over the years, as it slowly increases, it begins to accumulate on the surface below.  Nothing really noticeable.  Maybe some start to notice a light pink color builds up around their faucets and where ever else water is used.  The few who bother to inquire about what it is, hear that it’s some sort of bacteria, so they think nothing of it and move on.

For years, this continues.

Sky 1

In the meantime, technology continues to advance rapidly.  Things continue to happen faster and faster at an exponential rate.  What used to take decades now happens in months.  What used to take months now happens in days.  What used to happen in days now happens in hours.  Instead of using that freed up time to do the things we love, value, and enjoy . . . we push ourselves to work harder on things we have convinced ourselves are important, in order to get more things that we think will make us happier.  It never does.  Instead, we just become disconnected from ourselves and each other, and we become lost.

Because we’ve become so busy in our pursuit of happiness, we’ve become less aware of ourselves and our surroundings.  The more unaware we become, the less we understand . . . or even remember what used to be really important to us.  Since we can’t think of what is important to us anymore, we become less motivated and inspired about life.  We start looking for something of importance, but there isn’t time to dig deep, the pace is too quick . . . so we latch on to whatever *seems* to be important on the surface.  Maybe based on what our employer tells us is important.  Or what we hear or read from others.  Who knows?  Who has the time to really figure it out?

Life begins to lose meaning.  It loses excitement, fun, and joy.  It becomes harder and harder to relax.  Things become more and more serious.  Darker.  We move into avoidance to try and save ourselves from this place.  Alcohol, shopping, reality tv, politics, finances, war. . . anything to make this awfulness go away.  We start to close off from ourselves, because the accumulation of all of the things that were truly important to us that we avoided dealing with over the years is starting to catch up with us.  We don’t know where we are, or how we got there, or what to do about it.  When we start to close off from ourselves, we are also closing off from others.  Becoming more guarded . . . defensive.

Trust and intimacy start to break down.  Isolation.  We start to feel alone in our pain and misunderstood.  Power struggles become more pronounced.  Confusion.  Survival.  Which leads to control and manipulation of ourselves and others because we’re scared, lost, and no longer know what the fuck is going on.

At some point, there is an acknowledgement that something is *off* in the world.  Something is going on.  But because no one has been paying attention, or have been actively trying to avoid it because it’s too much to handle on top of all of the other things exploding in our individual lives . . . nobody knows what is happening.  All effort goes into continuing to not face all of the things we avoided the last decades in our personal lives, as well as avoiding what is happening right outside our windows.

Meanwhile . . . this fine red dust has been gently drifting and collecting all over the globe.  It’s more noticeable now for anyone paying attention.  The leaves on some of the trees begin to turn a curious red shortly after they unfurl on the branches.  One tree has some of the leaves turning a deep red . . . almost purple.  Another tree has a light dusting of red on the surface of the leaves.  A cedar tree here and there has a branch that looks rusted, as well as the pine trees.  Some of the bushes have something curious happening with them too.  Plants with red spots spreading across the leaves.

Tree 2

Tree 3

Tree 4

Bushes1

Year after year, this continues.  The leaves begin to dry up immediately after they’ve come out in spring.  Some trees never dropped their dried up leaves from the year before.  Once it is noticed, it becomes hard to ignore because it’s affecting so many trees and plants.

Tree 1

But, who has time to worry about what is going on with the trees, when we’re not feeling well ourselves?  It sometimes seems so hard to breathe.  Headaches, nausea, vertigo, disorientation.  Stomach cramping, weakness, fatigue.  Fevers, hot flashes.  Hair loss.  Many who have never had a problem before, struggling with anxiety.  Adrenal exhaustion.  Kidney infections.  Liver trouble.  Heart problems.  Mental & emotional problems.  Depression.  Suicide.

The populace seems to be struggling increasingly with anger, violence, and rage.  Stress levels continue to rise, and accusations and blame start to get pointed at each other.  Everything under the sun is getting blamed for why things are like they are.  It’s because of you, it’s because of me, it’s because of the government, it’s because of the financial markets, it’s because of the wars, it’s because of people’s negativity, it’s because of past lives, it’s because of the sinners and it’s god’s wrath and punishment.

Or perhaps, those things are all stemming from a physiological response to something that has been silently coming into our atmosphere for many, many years?  However, we’ve become so focused on immediate surface responses . . . that we think the things we are feeling and experiencing are due to what is immediately in front of us or the people around us.  We don’t stop to think that maybe it’s something bigger than all of us . . . and that we’ll all be facing it together.

It makes beautiful red, pink, and orange skies.  Beautiful surreal looking pinkish clouds.

Sky 3

Sky 4

Sky 2

It affects the oxygen levels in the water. . . and related to the massive fish deaths.

Where it’s coming from, affects our electromagnetic field . . . and the bird deaths.  Birds have metal material in their brains, that is affected by the electromagnetic field . . . as do mammals . . . including humans.

It is affecting our sun.  Our weather, our seasons.  The weather on OTHER PLANETS in our solar system.  Earthquakes, sinkholes, volcanoes, meteors.  Electronics and electricity.  Our ability to think clearly.  Our health suffering in general.

You can see the affects of it by scanning the headlines.  Train derailments.  Airplane crashes.  Increased violence and senseless crimes. Fires.

And no.  There’s nothing we can do to stop this thing from coming.  It’s happening.

It’s a part of a larger cycle.  It’s what was being talked about in all of the old myths and legends.  It is remembered and then forgotten again.  The stories handed down over generations by Native Americans, was one of many ways that our ancestors attempted to get the information to survive long enough to let people know . . . thousands of years down the road . . . of what would be coming.

We are not the first to go through this.

Ancient texts from around the world, talk of the deluge.  They all have their different versions of why . . . but they are all speaking of the same event(s).

People, just like us . . . who are just trying to get through each day . . . and maybe find a little bit of happiness . . . went through this thousands of years ago.  It wasn’t just people in robes who were less intelligent than us, it was people just like us.  And they weren’t being sinful and evil in the way that they’ve been portrayed in some versions of the story . . . they were suffering from the effects of the precursor red dust that comes in long before the devastation actually happens.

Prophecies are describing what others have witnessed and survived from prior cycles.  The easisest way to pass on information is through storytelling, dance, & song.  For thousands of years from one incident to the next, people stop believing the stories are real because it doesn’t apply to them.  We have them quarantined in our heads as stories, and so it’s hard to make the leap or connection to real live events happening around us.  There are real, physical, and scientific reasons the things described in prophecy were happening.  So don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.

There are those who only believe in what they see in physical form.  So, the signs are showing in physical form what is happening.  There are those who only believe in what they get intuitively or from the spiritual side of life . . . So, they know what signs they are looking for.  You can think of this as the rational/logical/scientific mind vs. the creative/spiritual/faith-etheric mind.

During this time, keeping these two parts within us separate . . . is a big mistake.  It causes a human being to be “closed”.

If you are all spiritual, but refuse to acknowledge that you are in a human body . . . then you will be at the mercy of its animalistic instinctive nature during times of crises, because your body WILL pick up cues in its environment and act accordingly.  This will manifest as anxiety, anti-social behavior, feeling like a victim, helpless, powerless, etc.  Quit trying to escape your body, and come down to earth and come to peace with the fact that something is happening on a physical level . . . and currently you ARE in a physical body.  Deal.with.it.  Care, nurture, and love your body that is here and scared and NEEDS you.

If you are all physical, and refuse to acknowledge the unseen and the signs that were given in religious and spiritual texts, and believe those things to be unreal or flights of fancy . . . you will be at the mercy of the fear of the unknown.  You will also respond more from an animalistic instinctive nature, rather than from conscious, clear thinking.

If you are cut off from either one, you are closed.  Some of you are closed from the waist up (ones who only believe in scientific proof), and some of you are closed from the waist down (ones who are all spiritual and are trying to escape their bodies as things get worse on the planet).

Many are a mix and conflicted.

It is important to be opened all of the way through.  The warnings and practices given in religion, wasn’t so much about being all holy, as it was trying to convey and communicate what you have to do in order to stay clear and conscious during these times.  It’s NOT about some people being good and some people being evil . . . it is about some people being open and some people being closed.

We’ve associated evil with some made up fantasy that we couldn’t possibly be.  “Oh, I don’t sacrifice babies . . . so I’m not evil.”  Wrong.  All “evil” is, is being closed up.  Being heavy and burdened with energy.  Fear, worry, resentment, etc. are heavier energies.  If you won’t open up (forgive, let go, surrender) then you HOLD ON to those heavier, darker energies and are weighed down.  If you are taking life super serious, and trivial things feel like a life or death situation. . . you are closed at some level, heavy, darker, and therefore . . . “evil”.

So be as self righteous as you want, it’s totally your call.  But if you don’t get over yourself, start opening up, and letting go of shit that is really, really not important in the greater scheme of things . . . then you are going to *literally* be in the dark.  If you can get over yourself, open up to what is actually happening . . . both in the unseen and the physical world . . . you will lighten up.

The REASON for this, is because the stuff going on with the electromagnetic field, and the red dust (iron oxide, btw . . . we’re all suffering from increasing toxicity . . . aka “ascension symptoms”) is destabilizing everything.  Everything we thought was permanent or forever, is suddenly not.  You know carbon dating?  The thing they thought was so stable that they use its half life to determine how old things are?  Yeah, guess what?  It’s NOT stable at all.  So anything based on it to date things, is actually unreliable.  Think about how many things you believe in life that is based just on that one thing.  That is, and has been happening across the scientific community for the last few years.  (Scientists are baffled!)

Because everything is destabilizing, we have to find a new center.  We can’t rely solely on our intellect/brain for understanding reality, because that is breaking up.  However, if you solely rely on intuition, you are still blocking yourself from stability.  Imagine a cylinder (at least as wide as your head) that comes in from the top of your head and goes through the whole center of your body.  This is where the major chakras line up.  *That* cylinder . . . needs to be fully opened and unblocked during this time, in order to find your center and be balanced.  The calm within the storm.

If you are closed by being either TOO spiritual or TOO physical, a twist/knot/block happens in the center flow . . . and life.sucks.for.you.  You will be at the mercy of the iron that is collecting in our bodies (especially in the brain in the amygdala which is where the rage and violence comes in and starts erupting in the populace) and subject to rage, temper tantrums, fuzzy-headedness, escapism, victimhood, helplessness, hopelessness, anxiety, fear, memory loss, etc.  You’ll continue to get sicker and sicker, and think you’re getting the flu or some weird strain of illness that’s going around.  You should take that more as a sign that you’re still closed down in some way and blocking the flow (which is our new grounding point between “heaven and earth”).

This isn’t the time for pride, defensiveness, ignorance, or arrogance.  The things that open the blocks in that cylinder going vertically through the center of our body are things like forgiveness, humbleness, lightness, humor, letting go, surrender.  But those words have been used so often that we glaze over when we hear them now, especially as things continue to escalate and get harder.

So use whatever works for YOU to become lighter and more open through your whole core.  Let go of obligations, social protocols, and things that just piss you off.  It doesn’t matter if it’s how you were raised, if everyone else is still doing it, or if others get on to you about it.  We don’t have time to help everyone around us figure it out.  Just do it, and model it, it’s the fastest way to get others to catch on.

Quit trying to save others.  We’re all big girls and boys and can deal with what happens, if we’re given no other choice.  Focus on getting yourself open, and then you will be anchored and know exactly what to do, when, where, and how.  Don’t get lost in the semantics. “Oh, but what if it’s your sister, girlfriend, or mom . . . “

No.

Get yourself centered and balanced, and then you will understand why the semantics don’t matter.  It takes discipline.  It means you have to let go and stop focusing on distractions that aren’t going to matter when shit starts going down.  Who gives a flying fuck about whether it’s the democrats or the republicans who are to blame for messing up the country/world.  The world *itself* is destabilizing.  Trying to find a person or group to blame anything on at this point is a complete.waste. of your time and energy.  And it’s only serving to weigh you down with the burden of heavier energies and blocking your center.  You are the one that will suffer for your refusal to let it go.

Despite what’s going on around you, every moment *can* be filled with Life.  You do not have any control over what is coming, but you have complete control over how you choose to greet it.

sunset

Let Me Drive!

I was out eating recently, when the most peculiar thing happened to me.  Initially, I had zero idea what had happened, only that immediately afterwards I heard myself saying to Jay,

I think I just fully came into my body.

Which was promptly followed by me giving myself a funny looking wtf? face.  {O.o}

And Jay was just looking at me nonchalantly with both eyebrows up ^ ^ saying,

Oh yeah?

And I was all,

I don’t know. {shoulder shrug}

And then went back to eating.

I went into deep contemplation about what exactly had just happened, because it was the 2nd time it had happened in a week. . . (both times involving food).

I had just been sitting there, looking at my food.  When suddenly the food seemed to . . . come into focus?  It seemed Super Real (vs. you know. . . semi-real)  The colors were so. . . vibrant and clear.  Like my eyeballs had just been upgraded to Real 3D.  I saw the butter on the Naan I had been holding in my hand, and I was so fascinated by it.  I looked down at my Butter Chicken, and it seemed like I was looking at food for the first time in my life.  It was a great big W  O  W-fest in my head and body.  I was thoroughly amazed by my food.

Not only that, but it felt like I had gone from the back seat of the car, to the front of the car and was driving.  Meaning, I felt a distinct shift from being an observer in the background of myself. . . to suddenly coming to the forefront.  I felt like I <— the Soul ME, was HERE and in body and getting to use the eyes of this body and the limbs of this body and the feelings of this body, for the first time. . . like ever!  Or at least since childhood.  Before the teenage me, booted Me out. (hehe)

It’s like I’m me. . . but the conscious part of me. . . what I think of as my Soul. . . has had to sit in the backseat of the body as an observer, until the me. . . uh. . . the physical? emotional body? me, moved out of the way to allow the Soul Me to come forward.  That’s probably as clear as mud, but oh my god is it an awesome experience.

At least the Soul Me was absolutely fascinated by it.   There was a whole bunch of “NO WAY!”, and “OMG!” going on.  Meanwhile, the smaller me was in the backseat going, “What?  What are you going on about?  What is so fascinating?”.

The food in my hand and on my plate was the most real I had ever experienced life.  I had also taken a moment to look outside, because the sun was reflecting off of the building across the street and was shining on the Naan in my hand and highlighting the butter. . . and that was just about blowing my mind.  I could NOT understand how I had gone all of my life not experiencing this awe and wonder every.single.second of my life.

How were people not jumping up and down about getting to experience all of this?!?!  How was everyone able to stay so calm?  I mean. . . oh my god!??! this is SO INCREDIBLE!!!  Being a Soul in a body is just about the coolest damned thing a soul can experience, and everyone is ACTING LIKE THEY’RE AT A FUNERAL!!!!

I have to admit, I’m pretty fond of Soul Me.  It was kind of contagious.  I had forgotten how excited I used to feel about getting to experience things in life.  And She was so damn genuinely excited and happy about just sitting there and looking at butter on Indian Bread.  I thought She was going to explode into dramatic song right there in the middle of the restaurant.  But I gave Her a “please god not right now” desperate big-eyed O.O stare.  She was merciful.  Plus, Her mouth was stuffed full with rice, bread, sauce and chicken.

But I know She’s not going to put up with being in the back seat for much longer.  Just this morning, as I waited for the Crosswalk to change on my daily Chai Tea Latte run, She popped into the driver’s seat and began moving to the music I was listening to.  I didn’t feel self conscious or foolish, I only felt great.  There was a feeling of, “I wanna move to this!” as my left leg started moving on its own.

It felt so good to allow that impulse, that on the return walk, I didn’t even try to hide it.

Enjoying the moment.

Sitting. The new walking.

Watch Out World, Cuz Here I Come!

Omg, I’ve started to realize something new that is changing in me that I just had to share (said every Gemini ever).

I wasn’t really recognizing the feeling at first, because it’s been nearly a decade since I’ve felt anything like it.  I’m kind of excited about it!  : D

This last decade has been, more or less, spent in seclusion going through every nook and cranny (is that still a phrase being used?) of my inner self and bringing it to light.  I’ve been observing, understanding, trying out new things, testing hypothesis, changing, throwing out what is no longer useful to me, learning new ways, etc.

I’ve done my lion’s share of floor crying, woe is me, WTF?!, hating, falling apart, coming back together just in time to fall back apart.  I’ve lost lots of friends.  I’ve gained some too, but overall I’ve been locked away in a place that felt like it was my new permanent home.  Anyone that knew me when I was younger in school, wouldn’t have recognized the Jenn I’ve been the last ten years. . . and I feel like anyone who has known me in the last ten years. . . is going to wonder what’s happening with me.  So I’m going to be preemptive.  : )

{This is so exciting!}

I want to rejoin the world!  O.O

I know, right?  : D

And what I mean by that, is I feel a really strong feeling coming back into me where I feel better when I’m connecting with people and being out and about. . . than being at home.  This is HUGE for me!

I am WANTING to connect with others.  I WANT to make friends.  I WANT to build memories with lots of other people and be all, “Do you remember that time we. . . ”

I want to be a part of other people’s lives, and I want others to be a part of mine.

I cannot tell you how good it feels. . . for all of *this* to feel good.  I have been so sick of being cutoff and closed away, but I just wasn’t able to be any other way.  But now. . . NOW. . . it’s changing!!  I am feeling so much relief start to come into me, like “Finally, it’s about damn time!”

When I was first realizing all of this, and I heard all of the ways I was describing what I was feeling come into me, I realized that I was totally describing my Sun/Jupiter Sign –> Gemini.  I’m finally getting to become my Sun(shine).

In astrology, you grow *into* your Sun sign as you get older.  You may show signs of it when you’re younger, but it’s a raw version and quite often the shadow side of that sign.  But as you grow and mature, you grow into a glowy version of it.  Your Sun sign is how you shine.

Here’s why I’m so damn excited.  Try and keep up with me here: Saturn (restrictor, teacher, life lessons) in my natal chart is in Leo (Self Creativity, loves the spotlight, warm-hearted), which is ruled by the Sun.  Leo is the epitome of a person shining their light.  With Saturn in the sign of the sun in my chart (and 5th house. . . which is ruled by the Sun & Leo. . . so double whammy for me), it means that until I master my Saturn. . . my Sun, or way of shining, is going to be restricted.

It looks a lot like the last ten years of my life.  A Gemini with very few friends and who has a hard time being out with people, and would rather die than be the center of attention.

One more aspect that’s played a part in this, is that I have Pluto conjunct my descendant.  Translation: Others scare the shit out of me.  They intimidate me.  I don’t just hand my power over to people, I throw them the whole basket and run in the opposite direction.  I close up, stop breathing, and nearly pass out.  This is super sad for an Aries Rising person. (The rising sign or ascendant is the exact opposite side of the descendant.  Rising/Ascendant = Self, Descendant = Other)  Aries is the warrior, leader. . . the person who gets things done, and goes into things head first.  Watching an Aries Rising quiver, hide, or run is just about the saddest thing you will ever see.

So this is why I’m so damn excited about this definite shift I’m feeling in me: In order for me to truly be feeling the want and need to reconnect into the world and life. . . I must truly. . . and finally. . . be healing.  My dedication and hard work (Saturn) is finally starting to pay off.

Also, I am finally learning how to own my power, even when I’m around other people.  I’m starting to not be afraid anymore.  I’m starting to trust that I’ll be able to handle whatever comes my way.  I’m starting to trust myself to be able to speak and stand up for myself when someone tries to cross my boundaries. . . and not in an asshole kind of way if it can be helped.  But I’m not afraid to go there if I must (Astrologer’s note: Pluto is in Libra . . . and my North Node is also in Libra/7th house.  Oh. . . and Venus/Mars is in Aries.  A delight, I can assure you).

I know that I’ve been working on “healing” for a good portion of my life. . . but there’s a point when you start to wonder if this healing thing is some myth.  Is it actually something that really happens, or do you just learn to live with it and push it aside and tell yourself you are as healed as you’re ever going to get?

But, both last night and this morning when I got up, and I tested out the feeling. . . my eyes grew bigger and bigger with excitement. . . because I’m feeling an ACTUAL shift/change happening in me.  When I used to think about connecting with people and making friends, I felt anxiety, cut off, cold, fearful, weak. . . I couldn’t handle it.  But this morning, I tried on the feeling, “How would it feel if I were to. . . start hanging out with people and chit chat about this and that” . . . and I felt myself become less stressed (yes.  I said LESS stressed. . . how fucking cool is that?!?!) and I felt more opening in me and a warmth and excitement. . . and like, “Yeah, that sounds great! That sounds and feels exactly like what I want to do!”

This is a day, that I never thought I’d see.  This is a real life manifestation of a person.actually.healing!  This is like a frafillion levels of awesome!  Just the idea that it really does and can happen, is kinda blowing my mind.

Of course, this means that I have to change how I approach life.  I’ll have to let myself be open to the opportunities that present themselves.  I’ll have to let go of how I used to respond, and not resist the urge to respond in my new. . . more natural way.  But the cool part that really helps all of that, is that I WANT to do and be that.  It feels really, really good to finally WANT to do it.

{Big Satisfying Sigh}

So, I guess what I’m saying is . . . “Watch out world, cuz here I come!”

We Are Each A Blazing Light of Glory

I had the most unusual dream last night.  At first I wasn’t sure what the dream was referencing, but the more I wrote and talked it out. . . the more I realized it was a memory from shortly before I was born here.  I feel the weird, almost disorienting, feeling of having regained a long lost memory.

I was wandering around a place.  This place had lots of food.  There was a whole section just for meat . . . in clear packaging.  As I wandered through that particular open room, I was thinking of how there was plenty of food for everyone.  This food thing was a little strange, but it was nice to know that there was plenty of everything for everyone.  It was interesting to me though, because the whole idea of needing to have something outside of me in order to sustain myself was a little foreign to me.  Even trying to pretend like I needed food was an exercise in imagination.

I wondered what it was going to feel like, when we all were going to feel like there maybe isn’t enough for everyone.  I saw flashes of images of Earth, in Africa, where people were lacking this substance.  What did that feel like?  It’s hard to imagine in a place where there’s more than enough, and when it’s not *really* necessary.  If I just connected directly into *source*, I was completely nourished.

But that’s not what the point of this place was.  Although I still wasn’t incarnated yet, I was already away from home and everything I knew.  I seemed to be the only one of my kind in this place at this time.  I had a group that I had been hanging out with and had been bonding with since we had arrived there, but it feels like it does when you go to summer camp and bond with people. . . you’re still out there on your own and making the best of the situation.

Everyone else there felt like strangers to me.  I didn’t know anyone there really.  I kind of got the feeling that there were a lot of us there like that.  Like each species or world or group had sent representatives. . . and here we were.  This place we were at, was like a substation.  We were acclimating to the frequency and vibrations that were much different and denser than what we were used to.  All of the “food” there was to help us to adjust to the idea of needing to eat, as well as helping us become denser.

I felt rumors or whispers filtering through the halls.  It wasn’t that people were actually talking, it was in the air, and I was able to pick it up.  What I heard snapped me out of my thoughts about the food situation.

“What do you mean we forget?”

I started feeling a pull towards a location.  It felt like a magnet was pulling on me.  Everyone that had been at this substation with me, was also feeling the pull and moving towards a single location.  I found my group I had been bonding with.  They were walking ahead of me, and they seemed taller than me.  I was communicating to them as we followed the pull, saying “Did you hear that we forget?  We’re going to forget?”  I felt mostly curious about it, but something else was creeping into me.

I heard my group kind of murmur and pass the information between them, but nothing more was really said because we were suddenly boarding this train-like vehicle.  I had wanted to sit with my group, but the pull was so strong on everybody, that the seats all around my group were already filled up.  I went further down the train, and almost had a seat. . . but it filled before I actually could get in it.  I was sure I was meant to have a seat, so I just kept moving down until I found one that I got into.

I remember sitting in a seat that reminds me of those booster seats you use for toddlers so that they can reach the table.  Except it was kind of up in the air, so I just kind of leaned into it from a standing position.  I remember the strange thinnish “seatbelts” that you clicked in place over your lap.  I was now staring straight ahead.

I was sitting in-between two people I didn’t know.  I couldn’t stop pondering the implications of what I had just found out.

I’m going to forget.

When we get there, I’m not even going to know that I don’t know these two people next to me.  I’m not going to remember that I got sat far away from my own group.  I’m going to forget that I was even here.  It’s going to be like none of this happened at all.

This felt like new or surprising information to me.  I was wondering how I was supposed to do what I was coming to Earth to do, if I was going to forget who I was.  And why did I find out moments before it was time to come into the Earth realm?  I knew it was on purpose and that everything was setup exactly as it was meant to be. . . but what did this mean?  As I centered myself for my descent into this world, a sadness was starting to creep into me.

My curiosity and need to know and understand things, didn’t know what to expect with this sudden turn of events.  Forgetting, to me, feels like a fate worse than death.  I’m pretty sure it is, as far as the immortal soul is concerned.  I trusted that we all knew what we were doing. . . but I was also feeling a little scared at forgetting my existence prior to my birth.  But the adventurer in me, was open to the new experiences this would bring me.

So I let go, and gave in to the pull that was bringing in the latest group of brave souls coming into Earth as representatives of far larger groups of beings from all over the universe.  There was a call for help, and we had been called back into service.  This wasn’t a joy ride for us, this was a pull from our heart to serve those in great need on Earth at this time.

There was a limited amount of space open (bodies in which we were able to incarnate into) and the response to the call was so great, that each group was limited to the number of representatives that they could send.  However, each group’s unique energies and strengths are desperately needed, which means every single person matters a great deal and carries a large burden of responsibility.

Each of us matter.  And we are not alone.  We carry the hope, love, and wisdom from those all over the universe who came in response to Earth’s call for help.  And they have been watching over us all along, making sure that we’re okay. . . especially when we’re suffering.

If you are here at this time. . . you are brave beyond comprehension.  You love with a heart unmatched.  Just being here is itself an act of unconditional love.  You were thought of highly enough, that you were chosen out of trillions. . . to come be here at this time.  Here, you may feel like you’re just one of 7 billion lost souls. . . but from the perspective of the universe. . . you are the Elite.  The best of the best.  The most loving of the loved.  You are a brilliant, blazing, supernova of light.  A fiery golden light of glory.

But you just forgot.

Be As Ridiculous As Possible. You Just Might Save the World.

I have no idea where this post is going.  All I know is I need to write.

And I want to be more spontaneous today.  Loosen up some stiff, stuck, restricted, tightened energy.

I feel such a strange mixture of feelings trying to exist in me at the same time.  But when I’m able to let it happen. . . W o W . . . it’s great!

It’s a deep comfy, peaceful, loving feeling for myself, my family, and everyone surrounding me. . . mixed with a sunshiney dramatic epicness that lives out in a life-size musical ever playing out in my head that pushes me to sing out loud and dance where ever I am.

I can even see how this shows in my natal chart, and even had me laughing at myself this morning when it hit me *why* I feel this weird mixture. . . and that it relates to a need for mastering these paradoxical energies.  I say paradoxical, because one is a mix of energies that are about being at home, mothering, nurturing, intimacy, family, being quiet and still.  The other mix of energies is more of being out and about and connecting with people and communicating my little heart out!

Within my body, the deep still energy is felt from the waist down. . . and the sunshiney energy is felt from my waist up.  When I’m feeling things deeply. . . it tends to shut a gate to my sunshiney part and I’m unable to be social.  When I’m being sunshiney and social, the gate to the other side of me gets shut and I’m not able to feel my deeper feelings.  I am aware of them. . . but more like memories of them, I don’t *feel* them within myself.

I have, have, HAVE to be able to flow between the two at will.  Or aka. . . master the reconciliation of these seemingly incompatible energies, before I feel whole.

And it feels so close! I know when I’ve managed an open flow between the two, because I simultaneously light up like a supernova and *also* feel such immense love and care for everyone and everything, that I nearly burst into song and cry at the same time.

And it feels so GOOD.  Just like I wrote in my When You Believe post, when I went into a *moment* in a reply to a comment.  It wasn’t the comment that was so important to me. . . it was the space and state of mind that I had been in during that moment that was just so incredible to me.

Ever trying to refine myself,  I’m trying to understand what’s going on in that state . . . but without trying to analyze and pick it apart.  So I guess just sensing and feeling out the flowing of feelings that seem to move me into that space, while simultaneously try to “let go” of trying to control any of the process. (It again makes me think of trying to walk a tight rope across the grand canyon.)

Each insight I get helps to add to my foundation to stay in that place longer.

Today’s insight:

Allow space to feel and be dramatic – quit worrying about what other people think of you when you’re being like this!

This feels really good to me today.  AND it touches (yet again) on that child-like feeling that I have also said feels like “I believe again”.  Surprise, surprise.  It’s the same energy. . . It’s called Leo energy.  Leo is ruled by the Sun (and 5th house).  Leo loves (NEEDS) attention.  It’s like Oxygen to him.  Leo is also our eternal inner child.  Leo is *also* our creative energy.  It’s where and how we play.

The planet, Saturn, is very serious, structured, disciplined, taskmaster, life teacher. . . is one of Astrology’s least favorite planets because where ever he is in your chart, is where you are going to have to work hard to achieve results. . . but when you do, and you’ve earned your degree in Saturn-ville. . . you are greatly rewarded.  It can show in your life as a fear, as a weakness, guilt, sorrow, etc.

I have Saturn . . . in Leo. . . in my 5th house.  I have to work hard at learning how to play and have fun.

Laugh allllll you want.  I’ve already heard it all from my fellow astrologers.  “Oh. . . you poor dear, you have to figure out how to have fun and be creative.”

Well, it’s been no picnic.

I try to maintain control of myself.  Where Leo LOVES the spotlight, I HATE the spotlight.  Get that damn thing out of my face!  A couple years back, if a room were to suddenly all bring their attention to me . . . I became a deer caught in the headlights. . . I would just freeze.  ARRRRRRGGGHHHHH! Look away!  Look away!

That’s just one example of how a Saturn in Leo and/or 5th house can show up in life.  And because of this fear of being noticed, seen, etc. it stifles my creativity and ability to have fun while people have their attention on me.  Imagine every time you’re in someone’s presence, all of your warmth, creative ability, and feeling of “fun” got sucked away like a black hole had just come upon you.  (Btw. . . this isn’t all of Saturn’s influence. . . there are many other things at play in my chart that result in this.)  In that situation, the whole “you have to figure out how to have fun and be creative ANYWAYS and despite that” becomes a less fun challenge.

My first step in trying to overcome it was. . . . BREATHE!

I realized that what I did subconsciously whenever someone came around me, was I held my breath.  That’s really going contrary to what I’m really wanting to do. . . which is LIVE.

(Quick astrology side note: My Sun sign (Sun is *ruled* by Leo) is Gemini.  Saturn being in Leo. . . affects my Sun because of the Sun/Leo connection.  So Saturn ALSO restricts my Sun.  Gemini rules the lungs (and hands) and is an air sign.  So this is a real life example of how our natal charts play out in our regular lives.  Someone pays attention to me (Leo energy), I become afraid (Saturn), and then I stop breathing (Gemini).  A great remedy to this . . . is to remember to keep breathing even when someone is paying attention to me.)

But back to present time.  Being dramatic, epic, larger than life! . . . is Leo!!  And the fact that I’m able to feel AND express that energy. . . means I’ve taken Saturn up on his challenge and I’ve been working really hard at my life lesson.  That alone is something to celebrate!

So, anyways. . . back to the insight, the feeling from childhood I’ve started to regain, the “I believe again” energy. . . here’s the added layer I felt today:

Really get into those feelings, and overemphasize them. . . just like actors have to when on stage in order to convey their feelings to the audience.  It’s a weird place for me to be. . . BUT I *do* remember being and feeling that when I was younger and when I played.  It feels STUPENDOUS to me.

Like when a song would come on the radio and it was my FAVORITE and I’d grab something to hold like a microphone and my imagination had already supplied the audience for me and I was the BEST performer they had EVER, EVER seen and I was working that stage and song with every bit of my being.  No shyness, shame, guilt, self consciousness or whatever.  I wasn’t sorry for how I was.  I was just BEING with all my . . . uh. . . being.  I wasn’t thinking I can’t sing in tune, or that I looked ridiculous. . . I was thinking “I am ALIVE”!!!

And that is Leo energy.  Being vibrantly, unapologetically Alive.  Roaring like a Lion.  Being filled and exuding life and light.  Warmth.  Love.  Fully open to Life and everything it can throw your way.

And really. . . when you think about it. . . Life *is* dramatic.  We are here playing parts and pretending to be things that we are not.  That’s being pretty damn dramatic if you ask me.

“Oh, look at me, I’m a miserable nobody!”  (<—-me being very dramatic about something that I’m NOT.)

That’s dumb.  And that’s not who I really am.

So many times, when somebody does something with ALL of their Heart (<—-is also ruled by Leo) and put their whole body, face, and energy into it (singing like you’re on broadway) you get made fun of or mocked.  It becomes a “who do you think you are” situation.  You get shut down.  But why?  And why do we let that stop us from being like that?  Is it because people think that *we* think we’re better than they are?  Or does it make them uncomfortable (I really don’t know the answer, just throwing possibilities out there).  It doesn’t need to be like that.  That is the fun inner child coming out to play!  Instead of mocking. . . how about we just join in!!!

We take it so damn serious.  O.O

Me included.  Or me especially, I should say.  Saturn in Leo in the 5th has shown up as me being a pretty serious person.  All work and no play.  And that’s dumb, too.  Because I have an ENORMOUS inner child who has been rattling her prison bars, ROARING to be let out!  (She’s throwing a good old fashion Leo temper tantrum.)

I wanted to try out this idea, of being over the top dramatic, to see if it did in fact make me feel better.  So I put on my dramatic (yet contemplative. . . because I don’t want to just shine. . . I want to feel too) playlist and said. . .

“Ok, Jenn.  Here’s the scene.  You’ve just been cast as the “Dramatic Deep Feeling Diva”, and although prior to now you’ve played the meek, small, insignificant nobody. . . you have to transform into the Diva in order to save . . . The World. “

{gasp}  O.O

“And in order to do that, you have to be as open and expressive as possible.  If you don’t open full throttle. . . *they* will know.  I mean you have to just be completely ridiculous.  If you don’t completely embarrass yourself in how over the top you are being. . . we are all. going. to. die!”

{gulp}

Well. . . I don’t want to let anyone down so . . . cue dramatic feeling song.

And I just gave into it, like I did when I was 9.  (If you’re curious, the song that came on was Frozen by Madonna. . . I’ll see if I can find a youtube video to add).

I went nuts into it.  Eyes closed, open heart, freakishly contorted face, whole body getting into it and expressing it. . . just leaning and feeling my way into the song.  And thinking, “Oh yeah, I’m being so ridiculous. . . I’m totally saving the world.”

It.felt.so.good.  Big Sigh of relief.  Oh man. . . I had no idea how much I missed being so ridiculous.  I love it.  I really, really love it.  It makes my heart sing, it makes me feel alive, satisfied, content, warm, loving, open-hearted. . . just everything.  It connects me to my Whole Self.

But do you know what would make it even better?  You!!  Being ridiculous by myself is pretty great, I have to admit. . . but OMG. . . if there was more than one of us being ridiculous together?!

Well. . . together, we just might save the world.

= D