Aries For Life

I’ve had to use great control in the last couple of days to not come here and completely delete my whole site.  Or go start a new site with a completely anonymous name and not tell a single soul about it, just for the sheer pleasure of getting to write “publicly” whatever I wanted.  I still might do that.

But then I read a couple of my old blog posts and started to feel inspiration flitter back into me.  {Why thank you Jenn . . . you’re most welcome Jenn}

I looked back in my comments history to when other bloggers linked to my posts from their own sites and the things they said about my site and I thought . . . (well, one was a bastard and threw me under the bus to make themselves look good to a bunch in a discussion board, so eff them) but I thought, maybe . . . maybe I’m not done here.

I’ve worked so hard over the years to even be capable of writing on a blog without hyperventilating and fainting, and yes I’m frustrated that I am still too scared to really *really* express myself . . . but I’m not ready to throw in the towel just yet.

And really (and this is truly in Jenn Fashion) before I go and do something dramatic like delete my whole site and all of the writing I’ve done here over the years, how about first I just go for it and go down in a flame of glory?  What do I have to lose at this point?  If I made a complete disaster of it, then <boom> delete the site.

Do you know that that is how I convinced myself to not try taking my life when I was a teenager?  I was absolutely at wits end.  It wasn’t typical spoiled teenager teen angst.  There was some truly, truly shitty things going on in my life at the time, which I can now say with confidence and the perspective of someone who has been off gallivanting in adulthood for a good many years.  I was in very dire circumstances and had been for awhile and I had absolutely nobody to turn to or who I could trust.  I had no out, and I couldn’t stand the feeling in my body anymore.

I started to let go of trying to make it in this life.  I let myself give up.  I let go of the feeling of guilt, of feeling like a disappointment, of being a burden.  And I started to settle into a feeling of deep peace as I contemplated the ways in which to *delete* my existence.  It felt like such a relief, that feeling of relaxation in my body, that I was momentarily able to feel through and around my pain.

I remember vividly the very moment it happened.  I was laying there in the dark in my bed and staring out my window, and I thought . . . “but wait . . . Jenn . . . you’re still a virgin.  You don’t want to die before you get to try sex, I mean c’mon!  You have to at least give that a try.  THEN, if everything still feels this shitty, then you can kill yourself.”

That became my new game in life.  Anytime I am in a situation that I have no control over and I start feeling like I want to die, I think of something that I haven’t tried yet that I would really like to give a go before I left this planet, and I make it my mission to do that thing before I check out.  Because why not?  What do I have to lose?  If I were going to end it anyways, what does it matter if I took a risk or chance in doing something that I’m so scared of?

This is one of my secrets to how I find my will to live over and over again.  I reach a point of being ready to let it all go . . . all of it . . . I’m willing to surrender absolutely everything in my life . . . but I pause long enough to feel out what I would miss most once I was on the other side or what I would be pissed about when I was back in soul form and no longer in a physical body and being able to run and laugh and play while on this Earth plane . . . and always . . . always something comes surging through and then with kiddy-like glee I go racing off to my next mission and challenge to take this life by the horns and ride it all the way through to the end.

 like-a-boss

 

 

 

 

My Little Furry Care Provider

I was having a really silly dream right before I woke up this morning.  I was sleeping in bed (suspiciously in the same position I was sleeping in for real) when a butler came into my room with my breakfast.  (I think I’ve watched too much Downton Abbey in my life).  My breakfast was a bowl of sugar pops cereal, which I can’t even remember the last time I ate cereal, let alone sugar pops.

I was trying to wake myself up enough so that he knew he could leave, but I wasn’t fooling anyone.  I started talking about some joke that included me teaching French.  I don’t actually know French so my joke was being done in English with a French accent.  Realizing that I wasn’t actually speaking French, the conversation shifted into how much funnier it would be if I taught a class in how to speak French accented English.

I thought I was being a riot.  I could not figure out how the butler was keeping a straight face and patiently waiting for me to actually sit up to eat breakfast, with all of my shenanigans.  So finally I sat up, he handed me my bowl of sugar pops, which I was wondering how he kept them from getting all soggy in the milk and whether the next person the butler was going to, was going to have soggy cereal because of me taking so long to get up.

At this point I started to wake up for real, because I had a little black Gir kitty walking into my room meowing at me.  I was just as reluctant to wake up as in my dream.  At first I thought his motivation was him wanting food.  I knew his wet food dish was empty because I had given him chicken from the day before instead of his usual canned food.  But this cat has never been motivated by food, so I wasn’t completely convinced that that was the situation.

I’ve been slowly recovering from both of my ears and deeper sinuses being blocked for quite some time.  I don’t know how long it’s been going on, but it must have been for awhile.  All I know is that it was reaching a point where I was barely able to get any oxygen into myself.  I began the long process of reversing all of it.  It took a long time to get to that point and so it’s taking a long time to recover from it too.

Each step that I take helps remove a deeper layer.  This has been a process of weeks and weeks.  It’s been like chiseling away concrete using a needle, but I have made some incredible progress.  It’s getting easier to breathe, which in turn is making it easier for me to sleep at night, which in turn makes it easier for me to get through a day before I start hitting anxiety, which in turn puts me in a more overall pleasant mood.

With where I’m at in the process, a good portion of my body that has been basically frozen in survival mode, is starting to relax.  More feeling is starting to come back into me, and with that I’m noticing just how exhausted my body has been from all of this.  So I feel relief, I relax, and then I’m like holy shit I am tired!  I had absolutely no idea, how over time, my body had started to fight more and more for the little bit of oxygen I was letting into myself.  It’s that stupid conditioning thing, where something happens slowly and subtly enough over time, that you don’t realize it’s happening.

So this morning I was almost in a drunk state of relief and exhaustion.  “Omg it feels so good to be able to relax {slobber} I don’t want to get up ever again.”

That’s the state I was in when Mr. Gir came sauntering into my room.  I was too crashed to even get mad at all his racket.  I was able to just stay there in my body, all comfy, not really giving a fluff.  It felt so nice to not become unhinged by what he was doing and my temper coming out.  I laid there comfortably watching what he was doing.

He was putting a paw onto my bed (I’m on the floor), walking himself into my outstretched hand.  Talking and going on and rolling on the floor and knocking everything over.  He was being adorable.  I could see an earnest want or need for me to get up.  This cat was on a mission.

So finally I was ready to get up and I started my morning routine, which Gir knows so well he leads the way.  Into the living room, open the blinds.  Plug in the internet.  Off to the bathroom.  Into the kitchen.  As I willingly cooperated with Gir’s monumental efforts to get his human moving, I noticed a whole change in his demeanor.  He got a little bit of a bounce in his step.  He started to purr so loudly.  He looked so happy.

In my half asleep (but very relaxed) stupor, it hit me what was playing out.  He has found a way to contribute to his family unit.  He has found something that he is good at, and that is useful and helpful.  It’s not just humans that like to feel needed and useful.  It’s not just humans that need a purpose in life.  As all of this went through me, I looked at him with new eyes and became as clear as day.  It was written all over his little kitty face and in his expression.  “Look mommy, look I helped!”

It’s something that I was incapable of noticing before my health started to return to me.

When I got him his breakfast (and mine) and went to sit down in the living room, he came and chilled in the living room as well, looking all extra pleased with himself.  His motivation had not, in fact, been about his food.  He was just doing his self assigned job.  In his own little kitty way, he has shown me more care than many humans are capable of showing anymore.

The little dude cares whether I get out of bed or not.  It may be for his own reasons (which are the best reasons for doing something), and it may not be a conscious thought . . . but it doesn’t matter to me.  I know care when I experience it, and he’s providing genuine love and care.

As for my dream, I can see how the more my health returns to me, so does my humor and joking.  I stop being so super serious about everything . . . I become more playful.  I, in fact, do wake up out of bed saying stupid things that I think are hilarious even if nobody else thinks they are.  And the sugar pops cereal was obviously a reference to being a kid.  My inner child returning.

And no wonder the butler wasn’t laughing at my hilarious french jokes . . . I mean, he’s a cat for crying out loud.  It had nothing to do with how funny my jokes were.  😀

Gir

A Life Worth Living

Feeling love within myself is my number one priority in life because when I am in love, everything else falls magically into place.

I am naturally in a feeling of love when I am just being myself. Being true to me.

My biggest challenge in life has been to learn how to just be myself when I’m around others. I am so sensitive and empathic, that anytime I am around another human being, I feel the things they are feeling as if they are my own. There is almost zero distinction between what I feel from others and my own feelings.

The others in my life tend to be strong personalities. Just their presence seems to erase my own feelings and identity. I imagine it must be what a hard drive feels like when a strong magnet comes too close to it. It is a feeling of “losing” myself. It is a form of dying over and over again. It puts me into instinctive fight or flight or freeze because the *I* in me feels this erasing of identity as a threat to my existence.

The only way I knew how to protect myself was to cut myself and my heart off from others. I had to isolate myself for years just to understand who I even was separate from other people. What are MY feelings? What are MY thoughts? Who am I outside of social conditioning and the dysfunction that I grew up with?

I challenged myself several years ago to learn how to stay open hearted and be myself even while around other strong personalities. It feels a bit like trying to stay strong against a series of hellish tsunamis coming straight for you. I felt very ill prepared for it, but the only way I knew I was going to master this was by constantly testing myself by interacting with others on a regular basis. Which means no hiding out in isolation. (Sweet, sweet isolation.)

I’ve had to completely relearn how to live. Start back at square one. In each moment, in each now, I’ve had to check in with myself and consciously choose another way. I’ve had to learn how to catch myself before I move into fight or flight and pause that moment. Talk to myself. Open up and breathe. Relax. Put things back into perspective.

If I couldn’t move myself out of animal instinct mind (aka deer caught in headlights) enough to feel my own feelings, then I trained myself to at least go off of memory of my feelings and how I would most likely respond if I had been able to access them. Fake it until you make it. At least when I do that, I avert an even bigger disaster that I’d have to clean up and fix later. The less disasters I have to go back and clean up, the more time I have to just enjoy life.

The more I have practiced this, the more I have realized that I am simply learning how to stay consciously present with myself. To quit abandoning myself during my time of need. Just like a wounded animal, I didn’t know who was just hurting me more or who was trying to help me, because both are painful to me. I’ve been looking to understand who I can trust to help me because I really hurt, but I can’t show that hurt because in the wild, the weak and vulnerable are taken down by predators.

I cannot know other’s true intents. Too frequently people do not even know themselves. I have rarely run into anyone who does. Which tells me, at least from my perspective and understanding, that nobody really knows what they are doing or what is going on. The worst thing I could do for myself is to make them an authority over me and my life.

This opened up my world to the understanding that I get to work this out for myself. Throw out what I’ve been raised to believe, what I’m told to believe, popular belief, and assumptions. A clean slate. Operation: Just because others tell me this is how it is, doesn’t mean it’s true and it doesn’t mean that I have to continue living in that way.

My goal has been to keep reminding myself of me after every interaction with another human being. Round and round in my head I start repeating, “What are my feelings? What do I personally feel about this?” If I found that what I felt was contrary to something I agreed to do, then I pushed myself to find a way to correct that immediately. Don’t avoid the person or the situation, go back and face it and correct it. Learn what it feels like to stand strong in myself.

I have to stay so vigilant and aware. I have to be so brutally honest with myself and others. I have had to embarrass and humiliate myself I don’t know how many times in my efforts to learn how to try and do something different in the now. It’s like trying to do comedy skits on live TV. When you do something that doesn’t work or you flat out screw up, everyone sees it. There’s nowhere to run and hide. And no matter how embarrassed I am, I must keep showing up for life. I must keep making things right for myself.

All of this hard work is starting to pay off.

I am depended on. I am looked to for assistance, comfort, and guidance. I have many reasons I have to get out of bed everyday. Those things become a source of stress and sorrow and anxiety about being able to continue handling all of those things when I’m living in survival mode.

But when I’m living from this new space of being present with myself and open to life in a very conscious and purposeful way, those same responsibilities become a source of extreme happiness and satisfaction.

My self confidence goes up because I trust more and more that I can handle whatever comes my way. I become less afraid of how others are going to respond or even what they are thinking, because I only need to be clear with what I feel and what I need and a willingness to speak my feelings and my needs. I’ll let others speak for their own feelings and needs. In fact, I insist on it. I want others to feel self-empowered and like it’s okay to be whoever they are when they’re around me.

I need to be a part of other’s lives and I need others in my life. It gives my life meaning. When I’m isolated, cut-off, and trying to avoid people and life in order to not get thrown all over the place emotionally . . . my existence seems trivial. I don’t understand what the meaning or point of life is. It becomes a life centered on sheer survival.

But a life of open-heartedness and healthy relationships with others from all walks of life . . . if I were to disappear tomorrow, people would notice. Do you know how good that feels? I may not like attention, but just knowing that my presence would be missed if I were suddenly to be gone . . . that *means* something to me. It means that I did something right. It means I had some sort of impact on my environment and that things are different in the world because I existed.

If I were to live my life all scared and hiding away focused solely on trying to protect myself from the great big world, then nobody would even remember that I even existed, and that feels incredibly lonely and sad to me. I don’t want to be the center of attention, but I do want to live my life in such a way that the absence of my presence would be noticed.

So I’ll put in all of the hard work of changing myself, and power through my fears, and suffer through the awkwardness and humiliation, because it’s worth it. It makes life worth living.

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Getting All Growed Up

For the most part, my life has stayed relatively the same for several years.  Same job, same apartment, same day-to-day routine more or less.

I’ve had big stuff happen such as my son being hospitalized, getting engaged, the breakup with the fiancé, my girl kitty dying . . .  but nothing actually fundamentally changed.  Ok, maybe inner growth blah blah blah, but it doesn’t *feel* like change to me when my daily routine is basically undisturbed.

But I have some big changes happening astrologically which have been rumbling and shaking the ground from under my feet.  One, I only know about thanks to Aries Introvert, who pointed out that I have a lunar nodal return coming up in July.  That happens once every 18.6 years . . . that’s a HUGE deal.  Learning that helped make sense of an underlying tension I’ve been feeling start to come on recently.  My Solar Return alone couldn’t account for the bigness of what I’m feeling happen.  I also recently, at the beginning of the year, had transiting Uranus cross my ascendant . . . but that’s just become par for the course for me.

However, what is super interesting to me, is just how similar my Solar Return and Lunar Nodal Return are, emphasizing everything.  Okay, I wasn’t planning on it, but I truly feel visuals help so I’m going to go grab those charts and brb.

. . .

Okay so here are the charts for easy reference (using the Koch house system).  My natal, my Solar Return, and Lunar Nodal Return.

Natal NN Reference

Natal

2014 Solar Return

2014 Solar Return

2014 Lunar Nodal Return

2014 Lunar Nodal Return

Okay, so take special notice of my natal lunar north node which is circled at 23 degrees Libra.  Look at my rising sign for my 2014 Solar Return.  23 degrees Libra.  My rising sign for my lunar nodal return?  Libra.  Conjunct what?  The 23 degree Libra north node.

Btw, a solar return is a snapshot of the heavens in the current year on the moment that the sun returns to the exact same degree as your birth.  It gives you an idea of what you’ll be working on for the year.  A lunar nodal return is under a similar premise, it’s when the transiting nodes return to the same exact place they were when you were born and gives you an understanding of a bigger cycle in your life that lasts approximately 18.6 years.

There are two things in particular that have been at the foremost of my awareness today that I can totally see how it fits here.  1) Uranus in Aries in the 6th house for both returns 2) Libra rising/Aries descendant in both returns.

The Uranus (sudden change) in Aries (new) in the 6th house (day-to-day work) is pretty apparent in my life.  I *suddenly* found out that my job of 5 1/2 years was most likely ending at the end of June . . . and before I had too much time to panic, I *suddenly* had a new job.

But what’s maybe not so apparent, is that *suddenly* I can’t seem to keep astrology out of my blogs.  Astrology is ruled by Uranus.  Aries relates to the individual self.  6th house is also known as the house of healing & service.  My blog is more or less a part of my daily life.  I suppose it could technically count as a service, but I suppose that depends on whether it actually helps anyone or not, but at minimum it’s a tool I use along with astrology in helping to heal myself as an individual.  So perhaps with that in my Lunar nodal return, this will start becoming a bigger part of my life going forward.  Who knows?  Aries is *new* and Uranus is innovative . . . so it may even be stuff I haven’t thought up yet.

Point being, my work life going forward is going to be anything but dull.

Now to the Libra/Aries bit.  In my natal I’m an Aries rising and I have a mountain of 1st house emphasis including an Aries Mars & Venus.  With all this Libra switch-a-roo going on in my return charts, I’m experiencing the Aries & Libra energy in a new way, and I have to say I’m pleasantly surprised with the understanding I’m gaining.

The biggest thing is that I’m feeling this switch in me of approaching life from a view of survival, into one of more purposeful choices.  For example, the lease on my apartment is going to end in a month or two and I’m considering looking for a new apartment that is closer to town.  In the past, this meant finding the least expensive apartment I could find that had the bare minimum for me to survive off of.  It wasn’t so much about what I wanted, as it was about I was going to learn how to like whatever I could find.

But this time I’m like, “Hey, let’s not be so hasty.  Let’s see what cool things are available that maybe aren’t necessities, but would perhaps enrich my life some more.”  Aries –> Libra.

Or even about my job.  I had more of a feeling of not wanting to just take the first thing available just to make sure I had work, so much as I was starting to think about my career choice as something that I get to have a say in what I do.  Now, I *did* take the first job I walked into (that damn Aries in the 6th house) however it’s because it was something new and was exactly what I *was* looking for.

I still plan on continuing my mission of understanding my skills/talents and taking more of a purposeful & calm approach to the decisions I make in my life.  I don’t need to rush it anymore.  I don’t need to go into “scared rabbit mode” when these big changes happen in my life.  I can take more time to bounce around ideas about what I really want in life to make my life better, instead of strictly surviving.  Again, that’s the difference between the Aries/Libra axis.

The biggest surprise I think for me so far, is that I am starting to understand the whole concept of ‘long-term goals’.  From an Aries rising standpoint, you’re just trying to fucking survive.  *That’s* your long term goal.  Why plan ten years down the road when you don’t even know if you’re going to be alive then?  It’s like one thing at a time please!  🙂

But when you have the luxury of leisure (Libra), then it’s like what’s the rush?  Let’s think about this.  Let’s see what’s possible before we rush into anything.

And that’s a completely new thing for me.  It’s quite a transition in fact.  The whole concept of my whole existence not being based solely off of trying to keep from dying.

Aries is raw material and Libra is the refined material.

So that got me thinking about how now the descendant is showing as Aries.  I’m going to have more people who are in the survival mode coming into my life.  Now, I still have a natal Aries rising, so that still rattles my memories of living in perpetual fight or flight.  But I also have Mars and Venus in Aries.  Libra is ruled by Venus.  So all this new Libra emphasis, still points to my Venus (and Mars since they are both on the exact same 26th degree) . . . but it’s a softer and more refined Venus/Mars that I’m feeling.

I look back on my life and it’s been one big mess of ‘please god, just let me live through this’.  But something else I’m noticing . . . I also used all of those really tough times in my life as opportunities to try something new (Aries).  I challenged myself to not use misfortune in my life as an excuse for failure.  So with an abundance of will power (Aries), I not only got through those endless insane moments in my life, but I learned how to transcend them.  I just knew in my heart, that there was a way to still live in joy even while total insanity was breaking out around me.  A new way of being.

 Now I look at these returns and even at what’s happening right now in my day-to-day life and it’s kind of starting to dawn on me what exactly is happening at this time in my life.  I’m switching roles completely.  I *am* seeing the people around me struggling more and more as shit starts to hit the fan for the general public.  I recognize the eyes in the headlight look that I used to always have.  But that’s no longer me.

Not because stuff stopped happening to me, hell no!  In fact, if anything, it’s been ratcheted up to unbelievable levels.  But when I remember and start putting into practice all of the things I learned in all of my years of struggle and survival, I transform (pluto) into a place of peace and calm (libra) within myself and I’m able to effortlessly navigate ‘the slings and arrows of misfortune’.  I begin to encompass my natal 7th house into myself (which includes my Libra north node) along with my 1st house of Aries Self . . . and reconcile the paradox of duality on that axis (Gemini).

In short, I become the living example or model of the accumulation of all that I’ve learned and have overcome.  And by simply living it, being it, being myself- I am giving that knowledge and information to everyone I come into contact with, even when I don’t speak a word.  I don’t need to preach or lecture. (Although I’m never going to give up talking.)  I simply live it with all my heart.

Living my life out loud, is the value I add to the world.  My life does matter.  I do count.

I truly believe that every person does count.  But I think too often we look for traditional markers of success such as a fancy title or having a lot of money or even at times trying to prove our worth with over-kindness and charity work.

What if the best gift we could offer the world, was ourselves whole-heartedly?  I think the worst that could be said of someone doing that is:

mad fire

Putting The Person Back In Personal

So it looks like it’s about that time where I’m going to have to start interviewing for jobs again.

Which holds so many levels of personal terror, that I can’t even.

It brings up all of my insecurities.  It triggers my survival mode which then commences the “worst possible scenarios” loop sequence in my mind’s eye over and over.  I start living in my own personal theater of hell.

I try to push through it with things like . . . well like breathing for starters.

But this morning when I got up to start writing in my journal, I found that I was absolutely tired of living in this fear surrounding this area of my life.  And the only way I know how to truly conquer a fear of mine, is to face it head on with eyes wide open.

I get in it’s personal space and I stare it straight in the eyeball.

So while writing I asked myself why?  Why is this scaring me to death?  Why does it always scare me to death?  Why do I avoid really seeing and understanding this whole area of my life?

{Staring at it.}

The great thing about truly being done with your own bullshit, is that your questions become more direct and clear . . . and so do your answers.

I hate the whole process (job hunting) from start to finish, because I have no clarity or understanding about my own skills.  I have no clarity in my own skills because my entire career has been built from approaching jobs in a “I just need a job to survive and support my family” kind of way, and then I make myself find reasons to love the jobs I receive so that I excel at them and so that I can continue to support my family.

My focus has always been on what was easily apparent and noticeable about my skillset or previous jobs, that would be enticing to other companies.  Basically, “What do you want to hear?”  Because I *know* I can do whatever job I get.  All I’m trying to do is find ways to help the prospective employer understand that as well.

So I never actually dove into my own personal interests.  I never took time to understand for myself what things I’m actually good at or what it is that I really want to be doing or focusing on in my career.  It never occurred to me that maybe I’ve gathered enough skills and knowledge in the last twenty years or so, that this is now an option.

This old perception, which began when I was a teenager, has always left me feeling powerless and at the mercy of others.  I was always grateful for whatever I got.  I always worked myself to death to prove they had made a good decision in choosing me.  It’s truly an awful feeling and not the best perspective to live life from.  I mean, I’m good while I have a job . . . but start threatening my job and I become a frozen statue of terror.

Like I said last week, it feels like it’s time for a change.

For me personally, what makes me feel confident and open, is knowledge.  Information.  Why does this whole area of my life scare me?  Because I do not understand myself in that capacity or in relation to others.  I do not truly comprehend or see what skills or value I bring to the table of life.  If I don’t have this information and I do not understand it, then 1) how can I effectively communicate it to a prospective employer and 2) how do I know what direction I want to go in my career personally?

Hence.  The TERROR.  AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

But now I see the issue.  And now I can see the solution.  And now I can see the backside of TERROR as it turns tail to start running from me.

So I grabbed one of my blank dream journals and made it my notebook in which I will use to focus my efforts in this endeavor.  I am going to start combing through my work experience, starting with my current job, and I’m going to start writing down what I can come up with.

But that’s not the whole problem, and in fact . . . that is a very small part of the problem for me.  The key thing missing from my understanding is “in relation to others”.  I do not understand how I compare or how I stand out as an individual from the rest of the 7 billion people.  So, I’m not just going to rely on myself for my quest.  I’m going to get out there and start asking *you* guys.

So heads up if you’re in my other networks. 😀 And don’t avoid me either.  I’m tenacious. Oh! {writes that down in notebook}

Now, when I say that I am going to be asking others.  I don’t mean I’m asking for them to tell me FOR me what I’m good at or what my skills are.  I’m not trying to be lazy about it.  I plan on coming up with my own perspective.  But what is incredibly valuable to me that I can’t get from myself, is how other’s experience me personally.

To clarify further (pay attention, this will be on the test), while interacting with me (job, Starbucks’s line, comments section) what do *you* personally feel or experience with me that stands out for you in your mind.  The key point being, what is your own personal experience.

Not how would you word *me* in your resume, or let’s think about what I *think*  Jenn values and focus my comment around that.  No . . . I mean, in your own self, in your own world separate from the opinions of the planet and the channel 9 news team . . . what about me, stood out for you personally that you appreciated?

Jenn, wtf does that even mean?  And omg are you trying to tell me how to give you feedback?  Why should I even give it in the first place?  What’s in it for me?  Acting like I owe you or something.  Shoot.  Homegirl be trippin.

I know! I know!

I’m always trippin.  It’s cool.  It’s how I move through life.

This is valuable to me, because it’s the only way I am personally able to understand how I stand out from the rest of the world.

And truth be told, I feel like the ability to connect at a personal level has become lost to our world.  More and more I feel people no longer understand what that actually means.  We don’t talk to people anymore, we talk at them.  We walk around with our guards up 24/7 to the point that even we ourselves no longer know how we personally feel about things anymore.

We are losing who we are as individuals in the process.

Personal feelings, perspectives, and experiences are valuable to everyone.  But from the moment we are born, we are told how to feel and see everything, based on other’s perspectives and experiences.  In school we are taught how to see the world from the perspective of some vague “them”.  We’re told that to get along in life, you better have the perspective of your employer.

At no point are we encouraged to understand who we are as an individual or guided to understanding how to best incorporate that gift we bring into the whole so that we may all benefit from it.

No . . . we insist on perpetuating the dysfunction for everyone FOREVER, because fuck the individual.

This approach and attitude, is killing humanity’s spirit as a whole.  We are all dying from it.  I don’t want to die from that.  I want to die from too much happy or by rainbow or something.  I don’t know, but I don’t want to die because of *this*.

I want to understand my gift as an individual and I want to find the best way to incorporate that into the current structure so that as many can benefit from what I have to offer as possible.

So . . . I have to start somewhere, and this is where I’ve decided to start it.

Okay wait, first I have to go pee, and then I’ll start.

 resume cat

Jenn’s Big Day Out (:

So I’ve been out and about in an effort to keep the momentum going in my “Live, damn you, live!” personal tour.

Last Sunday, I went to go see a movie. *At* the theater! I went to see Maleficent. And it was magnificent. I did not regret my choice in going at all. I may even go a second time.

Princess Maleficent

Friday, I stayed after work and had some wine with co-workers. A new friend and 4 new book recommendations later, I went home feeling happier than I had in a really long time.

wine dinner

Yesterday . . . yesterday I *may* have over-extended myself in my new-found enthusiasm. This is a typical Jenn-maneuver, so no big surprise there.

I went to the Starbucks near my house instead of the one in downtown because I wanted to purposely have to get out of my car and walk amongst the people instead of my usual drive-thru.

Star Fucks

While I sat waiting for my drink to be done, another customer was in such a rush that they didn’t bother to listen to the kind of drink being called, and slammed their straw into my Venti Iced Chai Tea Latte as the barista said repeatedly to the man, “Is your drink the Chai Tea?  The Chai Tea, is your drink the Venti Iced Chai Tea Latte?” until the straw stabber guy realized that oh, that’s not his drink.

I was sitting nearby texting and decided to keep on texting while I decided how I felt about some stranger stabbing his straw into my drink.

Wonder woman

I mean, he had that straw unwrapped for quite awhile before he tried to impregnate my drink with it and I don’t know what kind of hygiene habits this guy has.  But at the same time, is it really such a catastrophe that I’m going to make the barista make me a completely new drink because of it?

Avoiding the issue was the right decision, because when I looked back up, the drink was gone and a new one was being made.

dog starbucks

So I hopped back into my car and headed to my favorite little café gift shop in town.  In my head I was hoping to run into some old friends and it would lead into some sort of Bollywood music number.

Devdas

But the reality of it was that I just quietly walked around and bought a bunch of (awesome) things for myself and bought a pastry called a ‘Soul Roll’.  I did get to snag a half-hearted hug from a friend in-between her giving readings . . . so that’s *almost* like a Bollywood movie, right?

Next I had ran into the craft store next door because now I needed two frames for a couple of art pieces I had just purchased, as well as a hook to hang up the butterfly wind chimes I had also just bought.  This is where I just went nuts.  I *didn’t* measure the art pieces to know what size of frame to get . . . I just walked in and bought what I thought looked like the right size.

This was dangerous territory I was walking, folks.  You see, I hate . . . and I mean HATE having to return anything.  So much so that I just won’t do it.  If it doesn’t fit, or is the wrong size, or wrong whatever . . . it’s going to end up in the charity bin.  I hate having stuff I don’t use or want cluttering my house.  That’s how my world operates.  I also hate being wasteful.  So between all of these nuh-uhs of mine, I am *very* careful with what I purchase.

So here I am buying stuff I didn’t need for my absolute survival, which is quite a big day all on it’s own.  But then I was walking out of a craft store with these frames that might not even suit my purpose!  Just what kind of crazy path had I put myself on?

Motivate me

So, by this point I’m sitting in my car sweating.  Well, mostly because it was like a hundred thousand degrees out and I had decided to start texting ninja hugs to a few peeps, and it just couldn’t wait long enough for me to roll down windows.  When I get the urge to ninja hug text someone, I have to ninja hug text someone immediately!

But then to keep from dying because of the near heatstroke I suffered by doing that, I had to get back to a Starbucks stat.

starbucks brat

Then I realized that it helps even more if I put the AC on in my car.  I know that sounds like I’m trying to be funny, but I actually try to avoid the AC in the car if I can stand it because it has this smell that doesn’t go away for awhile even after you shut if off and it gives me a headache and then I become all dramatic and like I’m going to die and then I have to switch my ipod to one of my ‘contemplative’ playlists where Natalie Merchant is singing about ‘The End’ or Johnny Cash is all ‘Hurt’.

But it was incredibly hot and so the AC had to come on.  I get over to the town center shopping mall and no sooner do I park, when my friend Carmen called to give me a verbal ninja hug . . . which I said, “Well, now it’s just a verbal assault.”  I decided that it was best to stay in the car with the AC rather than face the Death Valley temperature happening outside.

Melting cat

We talked for like two hours!  Again, I need to put this in perspective.  I HATE talking on the phone.  I have this weird brain delay thingy when on the phone that makes it feel to me like the person is speaking a foreign language to me.  But just like the earlier insanity that had ensued, I was breaking my own rules.  The first few minutes I had to focus like a bomb squad trying to diffuse a ticking bomb . . . but then something switched (the bomb squad was successful?) in me and it was like I was listening from a different place in me and I was able to focus easier.  It was kind of nice.  The conversation itself was AWESOME!  All kinds of epic topics and zooming over a huge variety of things.  Just how I like it.

After I hung up, I didn’t want to waste a trip there so I got out to at least walk around the shopping center.  I love this shopping center during nice weather because it’s outdoors, which I used to think was really stupid for the Seattle area . . . but then global warming came and now we have mostly awesome weather and I was like, “Ah, never mind outdoor shopping mall.  You knew what you were doing.”

So I went for a stroll, and thankfully there was a wind to keep it pleasant.  I wandered into the game and puzzle store, because . . . I can never have too many puzzles.  Something to remember about gaming stores on hot days, and most especially when there is some sort of tournament going on inside, is that you have to brace yourself for the inevitable wall of body odor that is going to smack you upside your head when you walk in.  It’s just a part of life and something that you have to come to peace with inside of you.

I did find a puzzle.

And I also got to watch a parade of teenagers dressed in formal attire, nonchalantly walk around a shopping mall in broad daylight trying to act like they weren’t dressed in ball gowns and suits walking around a mall just to show off how good they looked.  And they did.  The dresses were super pretty.  I wondered if I had ever been that skinny.  I can only remember having a mom body at this point in my life.  {Shrug}

By the time I got to the car, I was starving.  I wanted good food and I did not want to have to cook it because . . . heat.  So I went to get some take out from a Thai place by my apartment.

Too much

Okay, the place is a little expensive . . . but they definitely don’t skimp on the portion.  I can easily squeeze 4 meals out of it for myself.  My son can make his last two . . . which is impressive.

I asked for a 2 star spicy . . . which is mild to medium.  My son gets 4 star because I think he’s trying to burn himself from the inside out.  However, both of our meals were pretty damn spicy.  I nearly cried the whole time I was shoveling the food into my mouth.  I was so bleeping hungry, but it was so bleeping hot that.

It required an immediate Twix ice cream bar to put out the fire in my mouth.

It was starting to get late, but I wanted to take care of the things I had bought earlier.  So I hung up my wind chimes.  I framed the two art pieces, and then hung them.

Self Reflection and Joy

Finished the laundry.  And then the cat was meowing for me to join him on the floor, until . . .

God knows how much time had passed before I realized I had just been staring blankly at this:

 Ceiling

With my feet like this:

Feets

Exhausted doesn’t even begin to express what I was experiencing.  I had no idea how exhausting it was trying to have fun.  I need to slow it down a bit until I build up a tolerance or something.  Until then, I’m going to have to balance it out with my usual recluse nature.

batcat

Speaking of which, it’s far past my bedtime.  Goodnight!

Here Comes Trouble

I had another interesting dream last night (awww Mercury in Pisces, I love you).

Within the dream, I watched as a group started to pack up a mobile museum into the back of a large pickup truck.  I don’t know whether it was the mascot or what, but there was a live horse that was a part of this group.  They had packed him into the back of the truck first . . . like he was one of the inanimate objects of the museum.

He was laying on his left side.  His legs folded up and against the side of the truck closest to me.  He had straps going across to secure him and keep him from moving around too much during the trip.  They were going to pack the rest of the things in around him.  Someone was giving him a food dish, and said that he’d also need water so he didn’t die.

During all of this, my dream became more lucid.  I didn’t understand what was going on, so I was just observing.  But something was pulling on my feelings about it.

I never stopped looking at the horse . . . he was an off white color.  I very slowly continued to approach the vehicle as I tried to understand what was bothering me.

He just laid there.  He had just let them arrange him however he needed to be without fight or struggle.

This wasn’t setting well with me.  But based on the situation and how everything appeared . . . how everyone acted . . . there was nothing wrong.  Everything was exactly right and proper.

But I had a distant memory nagging at me . . . “but where is his spirit?

I had this distant knowing or memory of horses not being like this.  That at one time horses were symbolic of being wild and running free.

Why was it going against what this reality was showing me?  Why did I keep getting glimmers of  a feeling like I wanted to cry?  Why did something not feel right about this?

I looked into the horse’s eye.  I felt a connection with the horse.  It pulled on something deep within me that I had forgotten.  The feeling of wanting to cry kept coming and going from me like breathing.

The deeper I went into the connection between me and the horse, the stronger the need to cry became.  The more a forgotten memory started to come back to me.  The more I started to become aware of something so incredibly painful inside of me that I had purposely forgotten in order to get relief from it.

But it was also something I desperately missed.  Within that pain was something that I missed with all of my heart.

His will . . . his will was broken.

My will . . . my own will was broken when I was younger.

When trying to domesticate a horse . . . they must be “broken”.  To break an animal or a person is to break their own personal will in order to do the will of another.

There’s refining someone’s will in order to fit into society and get along with others.  That’s the whole Aries –> Libra axis.  When we’re first born, we have raw personal will.  As we grow older, we learn how to refine it into something more polished and hopefully more beautiful . . . but the person should still retain something of themselves in that process.

They should still have their own personal will.  This is the energy or thing that motivates us.  It’s how we know what we want.  It’s how we go after or approach challenges.  Do we go after what we want . . . or do we let the forces around us decide for us what we’re going to do or not do?

The wilder something is . . . the harder it is to break.  There are some things that aren’t meant to be tamed or domesticated.  Being wild and free . . . is who they are.  To see them broken . . . like the horse I saw in the back of the truck . . . is almost too much for my heart to handle.

There are those who are so controlling and filled with ego, that they will go to any length to break a wild thing’s will.  To show dominance.  To have a trophy.  To feel good about themselves because they are so lacking in confidence and will themselves.

Sometimes they think it’s for the wild thing’s own good, either they break it or the world will do it.  It’s perceived as an act of love.

Let me break you . . . so that you won’t have to suffer the pain of the world breaking you.

What a tangled web human’s weave.

In my chart . . . I’m about as wild and untamed as they get.

I had such willfulness when I was younger.  To the point that I had no concept of asking for permission to do anything.  If I was playing with some toys in the house and suddenly had an image of the park flash into my mind . . . then I’d simply stand up and walk out the house and go to the park.

I can’t imagine how many heart attacks I gave my parents.  I knew what I knew, and I knew what I wanted.  What they wanted did not register into my awareness at all.  It didn’t even make sense to me.  What did my wants and needs have to do with them?

My dad is from the Appalachian mountains.  You don’t get away with shit when you’re from the Appalachian mountains.  You either do as you’re told by your parents, or your ass is grass.

My ass was frequently grass.

This comes from having to survive in very harsh conditions in the mountains.  My dad’s family is from Irish heritage.  The Irish weren’t really wanted over here.  So they were forced into the areas that nobody else was able to survive, and forced to find a way to survive.  And they did.

I come from strong stock.

But it also forced the families into living in constant survival mode.  This means everything is a life or death circumstance.  This means, when your parents tell you to go do something, you don’t sit there and whine and break down that you’re scared.  It means you suck it up and get your ass out there, or everyone may die.

So then the getting your ass whipped every time you disobey becomes understandable.  It’s to keep you from dying.  It *is* being done from a place of love.  The thing is, after a few generations . . . you no longer remember why it was done, only that it is.

So even though I didn’t grow up in those circumstances, I was raised as if I was.  But obviously, something needs to change.  This means that eventually in one of the generations, someone is going to be treated that way as a child . . . but they’re going to have to find the strength and will to overcome it and NOT break the will of their own children.

And that someone would need to have an enormous amount of will.

So . . . ta-da.

As my favorite shirt said when I was growing up, “Here comes trouble”.

All I know, is that my dad must’ve REALLY loved me.  Because that man did not back off or give up in trying to get me to understand the rules.  I would’ve been exhausted trying to raise me.

My mom’s family is more from a refined societal background.  I supposed considered more “civilized”.  But the dark side to Libra, or the sign of refined manners and all things beautiful and harmonious, is in becoming so passive that you basically check out of doing anything for yourself.

So my dad did severe disciplining, and my mom stood back and did nothing and just kind of checked out and became a victim.  Libra can also be kind of judgey.  Sit and judge the “animalstic” behavior of others, while not seeing their own part in what is playing out and not doing anything about it for themselves.

My dad always looked like the bad guy.  My mom always looked like a victim.  But if one had the ability to look at the energetic dynamics playing underneath the surface of what was being shown . . . and I did and I do . . . then you can see that my mom was equally at fault.

But our society is only interested in making judgments based on what can be seen and proven, and so until we get past such juvenile thinking . . . we will continue to have aggressors and victims and cannot progress past wars and people going hungry.

So I’m not interested in hearing that I was severely abused.  Maybe I was.  Maybe I wasn’t.  It doesn’t matter.  All I’m interested in, is stopping the bullshit from continuing past my generation.

However, I do need to recognize what happened when I was younger so that I can put myself back together and be an agent of true change in the world.

My will was broken when I was younger.  It was so severe, that I literally broke my lower back when I was around 6 or 7.

I was in Germany and sledding by myself.  The snow was so slick from all the people sledding earlier in the day, that my sled went way too fast.  In short I ended up face down in the middle of the road, paralyzed from the waist down.  And down the hill to my right was a big ass car coming, and they weren’t going to be able to see me in time.

So I closed my eyes and pulled on everything within me, and I willed myself to move.  I didn’t want to die SO BAD . . . that I literally willed my paralyzed self to move enough to get to the sidewalk.  I got out of the way in time, and the car stopped anyways to ask if I was okay.  I said I was fine.

I spent the next hours in excruciating pain crawling an inch at a time to get back to my building and up the stairs.  The whole time I was willing myself better.  By the time I got to my mom, who was thankfully at a neighbors on the first floor instead of our fourth floor, all I could manage to get out of my mouth was that I had a stomach ache.  I said I wanted to throw up.

So she gave me Pepto-Bismol and had me lay down.  That was the last I thought about my lower back, until years later as an adult, when I got a 360 degree x-ray at a chiropractor’s office and the guy’s eyes about fell out of his head.  He wanted to know when I had broken my back.  I looked, and yes . . . it was scary looking . . . but mostly because it wasn’t until then that I had understood fully what I had done all those years ago.

It had snapped, twisted a little and fused itself back together, causing a slight curve in my spine.

So will.  I haz it.  Or I did.

After that day . . . my will became less and less.  Because I was young I had a lot of energy still . . . but never quite the willfulness I had before.  I quit fighting things so much.  I quit wanting things my way.

I had been broken.  Literally.

I do believe that things happen how they’re meant to.  I needed to know life without my willfulness so that I did understand the Libra side of things.  And the only way that was going to happen, is if it was severe enough.

Once I had done what I needed to in that broken state . . . it was time for me to heal that break in me and come back to myself.

So while staring into the eyes of the horse . . . I began to remember a previous existence from when I was a younger girl.

A time when I had such spirit and a strong will to live.  A time when my spirit ran free and I believed I could do anything.

A time when I wasn’t afraid of being myself around others.

I’m returning to that part of me, but there’s a difference between now and then.

Back then, I didn’t know what it was that I had that the other’s around me lacked.  I didn’t know what set me apart from anyone else.  I didn’t know what to call the energy and joy and spunk that naturally came out of me.

But now I can see that it was will.  It was confidence.  It was an open-heartedness to life.  It was love.  It was joy and hope.  It was the essence of life itself.  A flame of life that lives within me.

After having gone without it for so long, I now know the value of what I hold inside of me.  I know how rare and precious it is in the current world, and it’s up to me to protect and guard it . . . to never let it go out in me again.

I am and have something of value.

When I’m respected and valued by others, I am more than happy to share all I have with others.

But try to take it from me by force, or keep it for your own, or treat me like I’m not worth your time . . .

Then Here Comes Trouble.

zebra kick to the face

Inspirational Sh*t

Have you ever become so inspired by something that you suddenly had to go poop?

So the other morning I was slogging through my morning ritual, and checked my email and saw that a new song on an album I had pre-ordered was now available.  Yay!

I went to check it out immediately because I’m often inspired by this artist, and I don’t know if it was the timing or what . . . but from the first beat in the song I felt something light up in me and felt myself come to life.

My ass was up and dancing before the song was even half way done.  My soul was like fuck yeah!  I was almost crying it made me feel so good.

And then I suddenly had to poop.

So that’s why I asked.

Here’s the song that literally inspired the shit out of me:

Burning Gold by Christina Perri

I understand this is TMI and crossing boundaries . . . what can I say?

Jennifer Roark . . . crossing boundaries since 1977

When I’m uninspired and moping along in life feeling small . . . guess what . . . I have problem with the process of elimination.  I always have.  I had to be taken to the doctor for it when I was younger.

It’s a very literal form of blockage for what’s going on with me emotionally.

I long ago figured out that for me, whenever I’m full of it . . . what I’m in need of is inspiration.

This connection is actually in my natal chart with my Neptune/Moon conjunction with the moon in the 8th house.  The process of waste elimination is ruled by 8th house/Scorpio/Pluto.  Interestingly . . . those areas also represent intimacy, trust, other people’s resources, mysteries, secrets.

Those areas fall under the “everybody does it, but nobody talks about it” category.  Neptune is “no boundaries”.  Moon is our comfort zone.  I’m comfortable with talking about things that everybody does, but nobody talks about.

Everybody poos.

Nobody talks about it . . . unless you’re my coworker’s two young daughters.  They won’t stop talking about it.  They make me laugh.  A lot.

The connection between all of this, is that issues related to the things of Pluto/Scorpio/8th house (and there’s a million ways and varieties this can show up in a person’s chart) . . . it can lead to difficulties with elimination (or complete lack of being able to hold it in).  People don’t necessarily connect the two together . . . but they are related.

The more you know {and rainbow}

My lucky combination, is that my Neptune/Moon is in Sagittarius.  Sag is a fire sign and so is inspirational.  It’s also about wide open spaces, traveling the world (omg am I itching to travel!), loving life, higher knowledge truth, prophecy . . . it’s just a huge barrel of fun and seeing the bigger picture about what life is really about.

When I’m connected into that part of my chart, my views and perceptions open up.  I surrender and let go.  I go into a state of being and loving and living.  My body immediately responds in a positive manner and things start functioning in a healthier manner . . . beginning with . . . well you know.

{Poop}

{Giggle}

So yeah.

You’re welcome.

mama cat

Here’s To Loving Life And Existence

Yesterday as I sat at a stoplight while running errands, it got into me that it was time for one of my adventures.  It happens a couple times a year.  I suddenly need to drive with no destination in mind.  So when the light turned green . . . I went straight instead of turning left.

At the next light, I wanted to both go straight and take a right.  This sudden breaking free from my routine had introduced a new thought and feeling into me.  I started thinking about a quote that’s been making the rounds online, something about the ones who don’t actually know anything are the ones with confidence and the ones who do . . . don’t have any confidence.

The exact wording wasn’t important because it was coming in more as a feeling/knowing/understanding for me.  I’ve had so little confidence in what I feel and believe . . . and why?  There are millions of people acting confidently based on half assed thoughts  . . . and look at how well that’s working out for everyone.  So why not?  Why not let myself be confident in mine too?

This was making me feel better.  I was feeling stronger in my base and core.

Why not?  Sure my feelings and beliefs might be weird and out of the normal.  They may not make sense to a good majority of people . . . but so what?

I was in the lane to go straight . . . but then the light for the right turn lane had turned green.  I checked the mirrors for any traffic . . . it was clear . . . so I hit the blinker to turn and the gas.  I even did a mini skid squeal with my tires all fast and furious-like.

The road I took takes you around a large lake.  It is some of the most gorgeous road I’ve ever driven.  I could feel my spirit spread out for miles.

My thoughts kept coming back to the confidence thing.  If the “wrong” people are the ones with confidence . . . then what is stopping the “right” people from having confidence?

I feel it’s mostly to do with the ones with confidence, have it because it fits the old paradigm.  They have centuries and the masses on their side in belief.  That’s a lot of conscious energy keeping it in place.  It’s no longer about whether it’s actually the right thing . . . only that it’s how it’s done.  There’s a lot of energy and momentum already invested in those ways . . . so it’s much easier to go along with the flow.

Whereas, if you feel differently about any of it, you are trying to swim upstream.  You have to gain an insane amount of strength, courage, and confidence in what you feel and believe in order to not only hold onto those feelings and thoughts, but also to start introducing or speaking them out loud.  So they start out as whispers.

You’ll have plenty of opposition.  You won’t really have any supporters.  You have to risk looking insane . . . being alone.  Possibly harmed.  People in general don’t like change to the status quo.  In short, you have to expend a tremendous amount of energy, the risks are high, and the return may be zill.  That’s why the ones who could really help during this time lack confidence in themselves and what they feel and believe inside.

I was blessed with an insane amount of this kind of energy (Aries).  So as I was flying down the highway (at a safe speed), with my window down and wind blowing in my hair . . . I kept asking myself why not start believing in my feelings and beliefs.  What do I have to lose?  The only thing I stand to lose, really . . . is my fear.

Whether I’m one of the ones that should or shouldn’t have confidence, just doesn’t seem to matter to me anymore.  Maybe I am one of *those* people who shouldn’t be so confident . . . but what does it matter anymore?  Who cares?  The world is falling apart at the seams anyways . . . what would it hurt to take this opportunity to believe in myself again?

If I’m in the wrong in my beliefs and feelings . . . then let me do it all of the way . . . let me do it confidently.

{watch out for incoming teddy bears, rainbows, and bunnies!}

I eventually came back to the intersection where I wanted to go two different directions . . . and took the other direction I had wanted to go.  Who says you can’t have your cake and eat it too?  (I don’t even understand that cliché . . . who has cake and DOESN’T eat it?)

I was singing my little heart out.  It had started out as a cloudy day, but during the drive the clouds had cleared and the sun started to shine through.  It felt like I was in the middle of a musical.  I was saying hello to a rushing river and to all of the swaying trees.  It was soothing to my heart and soul.

At the end of my little road trip, as I parked my car to finish my errands, I looked up in the sky and saw a huge black bird with its wings spread wide and floating on the currents.  I couldn’t figure out what kind of bird it was.  It was huge like an Eagle, but didn’t have the markings of one.  It was SO incredibly black all over.  It didn’t look like any bird I had ever seen, but it was so B E A U T I F U L and graceful.  I was completely mesmerized by it.

I heard myself saying, “I don’t know what you are, but it doesn’t matter . . . I don’t need to know what you are to know that you’re beautiful.”

In that wide open moment, something struck me about what I had said and then I started to giggle . . . both at myself and at life.  I spend so much energy in wanting to know who I am . . . what my “name” is, but as I was staring at something so beautiful and breathtaking in that moment, the last thing I cared about was the creature’s name.  I was just so happy and grateful to be witnessing it’s existence and way of being.

Sometimes new things come into existence and don’t have a name yet.  Maybe there are things that don’t need a name . . . maybe their name is their existence . . . their presence.  Maybe a name or identity would diminish their worth.  Maybe you can only know them by experiencing them.

Sometimes life surprises us.

Okay . . . and maybe a little music:

Don’t Let Go by Lea Michele

Crouching Bunny Hidden Kitten

I’m eating a yum yum donut right now.  {she says talking with her mouth full and crumbs all down her front}  Am I worried about the calories?  Nope.  Am I worried about what it will do to my weight?  Nope.  All I’m focused on is how good it tastes and how much I’m enjoying it. {contented sigh}  I believe that it’s not what we eat, but what our inner attitude is towards it.

Anyways, while scanning through my wordpress reader to catch the headlines of the blogs I follow, there were a couple that totally lit me up and had me grinning from ear to ear.  Both were short and just plain made me feel good to see.

The first was from the blog The Observer’s Voice, and her post was The Rules For Being Amazing.  It’s basically just a pic with a short list of . . . well . . . rules for being amazing.

The second was from the blog The Daily Goddess, and the post was  Be Strong Enough To Stand Alone.  Just the title was all I needed to see for me to start feeling the happy spread through me.

{Takes a sip of her chai tea latte}

They were both following along the same lines of what I already had going through my head this morning.  As I’ve been gaining back my self confidence out in the world, I’ve had to remind myself what it means to me to have confidence and also to allow my perception to open and expand back outwards.  Both of those posts helped with that.

Also what happens when I’m moving from small limited thinking to large expansive thinking, is that I have to flip a switch from a fearful guarded perspective to a loving let go perspective.  That transition is incredibly awkward for inner me.

It starts with a confrontation between the two.

The fearful guarded perspective part of me is a bit like a female version of Gollum from The Lord of the Rings.  All bent over and huddled in a dark corner, talking quietly to herself about how the people of the world are all tricksy.  Holding her heart in her hand and telling it, her precious, that she will protect it and keep anyone from stealing it.  She growls and spits at anyone who tries to get too close to her, because it’s not her that they want . . . it’s just what she can give them that they are interested in.

So then walks in the loving let go perspective part of me.  This yahoo initially tries to walk into the dark cave with the light intensity of a supernova and freaks the bejeezers out of Gollum-me.  “The lights!  It burnses! It burnses!”  Ugly cry face and slobber flying everywhere.  So loving let go me, slowly backs out of the cave and tries to take it down a few notches in order to calm snot-face-me down.

This is when I have to start operating in super-slowed-down-mode during the negotiations.  I have to breathe deeply, slowly, consciously.  No sudden moves.  I let various ideas and thoughts flow through me while sifting through them to see which ones have a calming effect on me.  The ones that make it through the filter, I slowly hand them over to small scared me like I’m in the middle of a hostage situation.

“It’s cool, it’s cool . . . nobody needs to get hurt.  I have what you’re looking for right here.”

{hands up in surrender, holding an envelope containing the *calming thought*}

“I’ll just gently set this next to you and you can look at it whenever you feel safe enough to do so.”

Needless to say, it’s a delicate process.  I don’t want to invalidate the fear I feel . . . but I also don’t want to live in it anymore.  I have to be patient and listen to whatever it is that the hurt and scared me is needing from moment to moment.  Calming . . . soothing . . . inspiration . . . expanded thought . . . oops, too much . . . calming . . . soothing . . . breathe . . . let go . . . and relax.

Little by little, my inner Gollum starts to have doubts about how she’s been viewing the world.  She lets down her guard a little.  “You mean . . . it doesn’t have to always be this way?”  {slow nod yes from stellar me} “And . . . and maybe I *can* have fun and have friends to play with?”  {another slow nod yes from stellar me}

Every doubt she has about why she’s afraid . . . she’s able to become a little bit more aware of the warmth and light around her . . . and the more she starts to trust in life and in the world again.  Slowly, inch by inch, she starts to make her way to the mouth of the cave . . . feeling braver . . . stronger . . . more sure of herself.

She becomes more willing to let the fear go.  She gathers strength and determination to try again.  She attempts to run a comb through her rat nest hair.  But gives up when the comb gets stuck and just leaves it there.  She finds that it is becoming easier to breathe.  Tears start to pool in her eyes as the feeling of hope begins to return to her.  The idea of it . . . the idea that she doesn’t have to be cold and alone in the dark . . . that there is another way.

And then the things that loving let go me has been talking about, begins to appear to the previously scared and in the dark me.  She starts to see for herself that it’s all true . . . everything the annoying bright ass light has been saying is true.  The warmth . . . the love . . . the acceptance . . . it’s all here.  She looks around at all of the people she thought were trying to steal from her . . . and she sees that they’re really harmless after all.  They aren’t trying to hurt her . . . they just have a scared Gollum inside of them too.

That’s when my perspective begins to shift . . . from one where the world is cold, dark, and cruel . . . to one that is filled with other warm, loving . . . but sometimes also scared, also misunderstood . . . people.  That the world isn’t really filled with enemies lurking around every corner . . . but others that are going through very similar things as me.

I shift from feeling like I must hide in order to protect myself,  to seeing that there’s really nothing to be scared of.  That I *can* be myself . . . it’s okay.  It’s not others that are stopping me from being myself,  it’s just my own inner demons screaming their fear in my ear.  So what if others look at me weird?  So what if others don’t approve?  If I’m truly happy inside because I’m being me, then what does it really matter in the end what others are thinking?

And the peace! . . . oh how to describe the peace I start to experience as the scared me crawls closer to the stellar me.  It makes all of the things I used to fear seem so insignificant . . . so petty.  It’s like who cares!  Fine!  Whatever!  Just . . . let me go and let me feel this peace and surrender . . . this letting go of resisting and fighting against life.

This freedom of not having to know . . . of not having to have all the answers and having it all figured out.  Of not having to control every tiny little aspect of my life in order to make things turn out how they should be . . . because there *is* something bigger than me.  I’m not the end all be all . . . there is something that I can’t see, but it’s there nonetheless . . . and it’s taking care of me.  So I can let go . . . I can let go of trying to control life . . . I can let go of being responsible for everyone else.  Because it’s okay . . . everyone will be okay . . . even if I don’t understand why or how . . . I know it’s going to be okay.

My faith . . . my trust in life and in an existence much bigger than me is restored.

Then I feel myself smile . . . I feel a grounded joy return to me.  I feel a happy.  I feel giggles and tears of love for life and the experiences and adventures always waiting for me just around the corner.

I’m no longer dreading what is next . . . I’m now excited about what is next.  I’m not being forced to survive through life . . . I’m getting the honor of experiencing things that can only be experienced while incarnated in a physical body.  Physical sensations!  Things like the smell of poop!  Do you think you smell things like poop and decay while you are in soul form?  No!!  You ONLY get to experience that while you are living in a body.  So why do we shrink from it?

We have an eternity to live as souls without form . . . but only for brief blips during that eternity do we get to experience things like we do when in physical form.  So why do we spend our whole life trying to get AWAY from our body and life?  Doing so prevents you from truly living.  Doing so means living a dead life . . . a zombie life . . . an anxiety ridden fearful life.  But get IN your body and open up to the experiences that come your way regardless of whether they are labeled “good” or “bad” . . . and then you’ll start to understand what this life thing is really all about.

Bunny Farts