There Is Great Treasure To Be Found In Ancient Wisdom

I’m feeling a little quiet and worn down today.

But I was just thinking about how science is showing us how basically everything is made up of frequencies and vibrations.  Or sound.  Or . . . the “Word of God”.

And I was thinking about how in Quantum Physics we’ve learned that light switches between waves and particles, based on whether it’s being observed or not.  Or based on whether a person’s attention or awareness or consciousness is interacting with it.

Then I thought of how HUGE the planets are in comparison to us . . . and how each has it’s own frequency/vibration . . . like a fingerprint.  And radiates out that unique frequency/vibration just as an act of existing or being.  It’s at a level that is outside of our conscious awareness, but it’s still happening.

And THEN I thought about just how stupid it is for us to think that those frequencies and vibrations *don’t* effect us at some level.  When two things interact . . . *something* happens, there is a change.  It happens in physics and chemistry.  It happens in music . . . in harmonies, discord, etc.

Everything is just atoms vibrating in various patterns to form solidity . . . or what appears to be solid.

And how everything cycles . . . just like the gears of a watch, to the point that if you observed long enough, you could start seeing a pattern.  When *this* vibration interacts with *that* vibration . . . the results seem to always be of *this* nature.  After thousands of years of compiled observation and knowledge . . . you could have a pretty good idea about the pulse of the nature of things.

This all makes perfect sense to me.

So then I wondered why astrology has been thrown into the pot as being for simpletons or the superstitious.  It seems to me that it’s a type of science like any other, based on extensive observation and trial and error in order to try and understand the world in which we live.  Science came about in an attempt to better understand spirituality, or the nature of the world in which we live . . . not replace it.

Astrology takes a wide variety of skills and disciplines in order to use it effectively.  It’s not for someone who doesn’t use their brain.  It’s not for someone who doesn’t use their heart.  It’s not for someone who doesn’t have a love and passion for it, because it takes immense dedication and a lot of patience before your effort starts to pay off.  You pretty much have to become obsessed with it in order to really start understanding and gaining the reward of what information is *really* being handed down.

But the perception of astrology in this day and age, is almost solely based on people reading their weekly sun sign horoscope in their newspaper.  An immense wealth of wisdom, being judged on something so completely superficial and trivial.  Which basically sums up our modern society.  It’s so tragic, it’s almost hilarious.

Did you know at one point it used to be considered irresponsible for a doctor to try and treat a patient without using astrology.  And from what I’ve come to understand about it, I actually agree.  At least the use of the understanding that comes with *why* the human body becomes afflicted like it does and how it can be connected to a mixture of incoming vibrational influences, as well as conscious will and the choices we make for ourselves.

The ancient knowledge that we are so quick to dismiss and close ourselves off to, holds treasure troves of information that we’ve forgotten about ourselves and the nature of the universe.  Perhaps our ancestors didn’t understand the mechanics or wisdom behind why it worked like it did, but that doesn’t make it any less true or any less valuable.

funny-baby-drawing-walls-bed

The Golden Gate

This post is probably long overdue and will be including some examples of my ghetto drawing abilities.

It’s actually related to an email that I sent a friend in an attempt to translate TBs (terabytes) of energetic information I was receiving at the end of September, into something that was less . . . wordy.  However, my visual art skills are lacking.  As in, I will wonder what is wrong with you if you *aren’t* laughing at them.

As I’ve mentioned in other posts, I’m very aware of the “unseen” world.  I lump all of what I sense, see, feel under a general umbrella of energetics.  There needs to be a whole new vocabulary added to our language for what is going on . . . but for now, people tend to get the gist of what I’m referring to if I just call all of it energetics.

There is a LOT going on in that arena the last few years.  There’s a lot going on inside of us that goes beyond our understanding of what we grew up with or what we were taught when we were younger.  We’re all heading into uncharted waters.  Well . . . that’s not exactly true . . . the information was passed down over thousands of years, but it’s all encrypted in symbols and stories.  I’d prefer something that said “Step 1: Don’t forget to breathe.  Step 2: . . . ” but nope.

But it’s okay . . . because the whole point of the changes we’re going through as a collective at the moment, is to feel out our own (*new*) way.  It’s a process of moving from depending on outside authority, to trusting and understanding our own inner authority.  Your very own self-regulated moral compass.  Imagine not having to have others tell you what is best for you or what you should be doing?  Imagine knowing and feeling that out for yourself.  And imagine that, as it becomes standard practice for everyone to be tuned into their own hearts, that everything harmoniously works out because it’s tuning into the natural rhythm of the universe.  That’s where we’re headed.

But one step at a time.  First, I’ll start by getting my feet wet in my initial attempt at communicating an abstract concept related to the changes many are beginning to experience right now.  For what it’s worth, any information I share is from personal experiences of taking those concepts I’ve received either through dreams, energetics, or what others have shared and applying them directly to my very own day to day life and working out the kinks by trial and error.  It is from my very own knowing and understanding through living it, and not just repeating things I’ve read in books or online.

Today, what I wish to share, is a shift or process within ourselves that goes from living a life from the viewpoint of “mini me”, to living life from the viewpoint of your Larger Self.  From small you to “Big Girl”/”Big Boy” You.  And although I have this under the umbrella of energetics, it is also a very physical process.  It is very real.

I’m not expecting you to immediately understand what I mean when I say things like “flowing through your core” or  “divine energy”.  I have come up with my own words or labels to try and describe things.  It’s not a situation in which it is something everyone else knows or understands except you. There’s a simple solution for picking up what it is that *you* specifically need to get out of this, which is to not hold on too tightly to my verbiage.  Let it be fluid.  Focus on what it *feels* like for you.  Don’t worry so much on what I may have meant . . . so much as how it feels and corresponds to what you feel inside of you.  Use this as a stepping stone to begin the connection and a whole new relationship and understanding of yourSelf.

I’ve referred to this process as “Getting to Larger Than Life” and even once as “The Adult Children’s Guide to Being Avatar Awesome!”, but it could just as easily be called “Getting Out of Your Own Way and Opening Up to Life Furreals” or “Letting the Sunshine In”.

I’d like to introduce you to George.  He will be our run of the mill basic human body that I will be using as a model.  Minus the arms and legs.  And everything else.  Except the head and torso.

George Basic Body

George has reached a point in his existence where he’s starting to reconnect back to *home*.  He’s starting to feel things again that he hasn’t felt since he was a child.  Awareness outside of ordinary day to day things has begun to expand.  The feeling that there is something more . . . something bigger.  OR maybe George is just trying to figure out why he’s become sick all of the time.  Exhausted, headaches, congested, stomach cramping, insomnia, etc. and the overall feeling like life has become such a huge challenge and things just aren’t like they used to be.

Unseen or energetically, there is an influx of energy coming from “above” and moving into us through our head.  Imagine a large cylinder or pipe inserted at the top of your head and going through your whole center body.

George With Downward flowThe energy coming in, is gold in nature.  I call it divine energy because that’s how it feels to me.  It can feel big and intense, especially if you’re tensed/resisting/blocking it.  One way to know if this is happening, is when you become ill in any way.  Blockages and resistance can happen when we try to run or avoid ourselves or the things we know we need to face.  These become emphasized when things such as colds or flus go through and pushes our body’s limits.  If you’re open and unblocked enough, you may not even know it was ever there.

Btw, I’m greatly simplifying here on purpose.  I’m only highlighting or calling out one area that is an integrated part of a much larger process going on.  So, I’m oversimplifying so as to not overwhelm, but (obviously) this isn’t all that there is.

When you do block any area going through your core, it tends to stop/block/restrict the flow.  You can gain a lot of information depending on what is hurting or having trouble in your body.  And you can always trace those injuries/illnesses to thoughts, beliefs, understanding, or social conditioning.  If you think you can’t, then you’ve hit a blind spot within yourself, and is most likely an understanding that you’ve had in life since you were a child and it hasn’t occurred to you yet to question whether it still holds true for you, i.e. social conditioning.

Ironically, you often need someone from outside of yourself to help you see these.  My rule of thumb in the past has been that if I hear 3 or more people independently accuse me or saying a similar thing about me . . . I might want to swallow my pride and start looking into the possibility of it being true.

While the blockages can happen anywhere along the path through our center, I’m going to focus and illustrate the blockage in our solar plexus.  Our personal power.  Because this is where we are generally stuck as a collective.  (In general) We give our power away.  We depend on authority outside of ourselves.  When things happen that we don’t understand, and/or our outer authority has kept us in the dark or doesn’t seem to know what the hell they’re doing either . . . we tend to become afraid, and we move into survival mode.

When we become afraid, we instinctively tighten our stomachs in defense . . . to brace and protect ourselves.  When this becomes a standard way of being . . . we cut off from our lower half by tightening more and more.  We lose our ability to relax.  To enjoy the things we used to enjoy.  We begin to lose our ability to feel safe, loved, warm, and secure (as well as giving those things to others).  We start to become defensive.  We stop trusting in life, in others, and in ourselves.  We lose confidence.  Life loses its warm glow.  Things feel cold, grey, and lonely.

So when we have that gold energy trying to come in through the top of our heads (often times feeling like actual pressure moving through our body), and makes its way through the core . . . and hits the solar plexus area that is tightened from so much fear . . . it starts to pool up.  You may start to feel good, or experience things you haven’t experienced before . . . but the potential you have with this gold energy will remain very limited while you are still holding your body in fear or trying to defend yourself from things that scare you.

George Blocked FlowIn this picture, you can see that as the energy tries to get in . . . it starts to slow down as it funnels into the ever increasing blocked/closed/tightened area.  And here is the #1 reason I harp on people about being Real with yourselves.  You can think you *are* being honest with yourself ALLLL you want . . . but if you aren’t really, truly being honest with yourself, this area . . . this gate . . . will.not.open.  If you do not humble yourself, get past your pride, forgive, have compassion . . . it will.not.open.

If you look closely at this image, there is a golden wheel above the “hourglass” block.  (Btw, for anyone who studies esoterics . . . take a good look at the red symbols and you will find a gold mine of information regarding what is going on here.)  That golden wheel represents the most you can become or shine while you are blocked or in fear.  It is the limited you.  It is the smaller you.  It feels okay.  But it’s also frustrating as fuck.  Because somewhere inside of you, you KNOW you can be much more than you are.

And even the okay feeling won’t last for long, because it cannot stay there.  It’s like a baby being stuck in the birth canal.  If it doesn’t come all of the way out, the baby can’t sit there and grow into a full adult within the birth canal.  The choices become, coming all of the way out and being born, or going back where it came from and leaving (dying).  So if you have this block, and you don’t put in the hard labor needed to open it (being honest with self, healing, forgiving, stop trying to control everything) then the gold energy will be forced to retreat and leave.

It can even be seen as “spirit”.  If you let your spirit die . . . this is what is happening.  The gold/divine energy has to retreat until you *are* ready to put in the necessary work.  It’s not about punishing the sinners or even karma as people understand it.  It’s about getting over yourself.  You can blame and fault anyone and anything else you want, all day long . . . that’s your right.  But the truth . . . the reality . . . is that in the end, it’s YOU that holds you back.

Now, as I’ve said in other posts/comments, it’s not that I’m saying what happens to us in our lives is fair.  When a young child is abused, causing them to shut down their power center or gate at a very young age . . . it *isn’t* fair that it’s still up to them to put in the hard work to heal and overcome the hurt in them.  To me that is the TRUE tragedy of child abuse.  The initial abuse isn’t nearly as devastating to an individual, as the realization and resulting process they have to go through in order to overcome it.  It’s either that, or live an entire life of misery and suffering.

So when I say to people to please be open and honest about what is really going on inside of you.  This.is.why.  Because this is the gateway within you to freedom.  Freedom from your customized, self-imposed prison.  This is where the Phoenix dies and is reborn.  This is where you leave the life of victimhood, powerlessness, illness, and pain behind . . . and begin living a life of grace . . . joy . . . and happiness.  This is where you get to shine and BE everything you came here to be.  It’s where miracles happen.  Magic.  Synchronicity.  All of these things begin to increase when you are heading in the right direction, because you are beginning to move through this gate.

When you send a prayer . . . it’s through this core.  When you receive a response . . . it also comes through this core.  If you are closed tight due to extreme fear, worry, judgment, etc. . . . it CAN’T get through into this world.  You are your own judge.  And how you judge others, is how you judge yourself.  And your judgment and perception of the world is held like a library within your physical body.  And over long periods of time it can result in illnesses, leading eventually to death.

You are not powerless.  You HAVE a choice.  It’s not an easy one.  It’s not for everyone.  But it IS there should you decide that you want to try another way.  It takes a lot of courage, honesty, faith, trust, patience.  It requires that you slow down and pay attention to what the fuck is going on around you.  It requires that you re-evaluate your beliefs and understandings.  It requires you to let go of everything you thought you knew and understand about yourself and life.  It requires that you find the courage to change and do things another way.  It may result in losing contact with lifelong friends, and even family.  It means turning your life upside down.

The doorway to peace . . . heaven . . . freedom . . . is located on the other side of hell.  You have to walk through the dark, in order to reach the True Light.  I cannot put it any simpler than that.

I know, because I went there.  I personally did it.  I reached it.  And I could have stayed in that place, the place within myself of eternal peace, joy, and love.  Nobody would have faulted me for staying in that space.  But that’s not why I came to Earth.  That’s not the role I chose.

I consciously made the decision in the summer/autumn of 2012, to come back from the other side of that gate.  I had found home . . . I found the golden land, while still incarnated in a body.  I had found peace within.  I got to experience what it felt like to live in a constant state of grace for a couple of months.

Since then I’ve gone back and forth across the gate . . . from a state of remembering to forgetting over and over . . . in order to understand it enough to begin communicating and sharing the information I have gathered with others.

It’s tricky because it is a unique journey for each individual.  Each person has their own unique perception and filters to how they experience and know life.  There truly is no “one” way to get there.  But I do understand that we can each get there, by just being true to ourselves.  Being you . . . the real you . . . IS your map and compass.  I can help shine light on things, and I can wear a path between here and there to try and make it MUCH easier for you than it was for me and others.  But the actual walking of your path, is completely your choice and your responsibility.

When you’ve reached a point of opening, where you’ve learned to let go of the past and forgive yourself and others for whatever has happened, where you’ve learned how to be at peace with what is and not trying to make things how you think they are supposed to be, when you’ve come to peace with yourself and your life, furreals . . . not just pretending, really wishing you were, or for show . . . and have begun to learn true humility

. . . a magnificent shift begins to happen within you as this gate . . . as the lotus blossom within you begins to open.  It will feel like an actual unfolding and opening is happening within your lower body.  You will begin to feel such relief within yourself.  You’ll begin to understand and know intrinsically that everything is going to be alright . . . that you can let go of trying to control everything and everyone around you.  It will feel like you are taking your very first breath of fresh air.  You will not be able to stop yourself from feeling an immense welling of gratitude and love for all of it . . . everything . . . both in your personal life as well as the whole thing called life in general.  Things will begin to clear . . . you’ll start to understand things that never made sense before.  You’ll start to remember things you never knew you forgot.

I could go on and on.  There is no way to oversell it.  But you cannot reach it by forcing it into being or trying to pretend you’re there.  It just is.  It’s the reconciliation of duality and yet those things don’t go away.  You just learn what is needed and being asked for (and it can be anywhere on the map of polarity) in any given moment without effort, struggle, or judgment.

It is the most natural way of being there is.  All you’re really trying to do is remember your way back.

When that begins to happen (and it’s not necessarily linear . . . usually you’ll start popping in and out of it before you enter it fully and more permanently . . . like the tides coming in or when you’re bobbing up and down in the water), and the gold energy starts to be able to move all of the way through you uninhibited, then . . . that little golden wheel that was getting stuck in the birth canal, is able to be birthed into this physical world and expand and shine without limit.

The sun within (the solar plexus . . . and indeed it is our energetic gateway connection to our actual solar sun) is able to shine through us . . . we become the Sun.

George With Sunburst

Okay . . . so my solar plexus circle is showing a little high.  Eh. {shrug}  When you are in this state of being, your sense of being becomes huge.  You feel really big and open . . . and yet fully protected.  You have no need to prove anything.  You aren’t defensive.  You aren’t scared, in fact you feel calm and cared for.  You feel so much love coursing through every fiber of your being . . . that your “cup spilleth over” . . . you can’t help but let that golden energy spill out into the world around you without even doing anything.  It’s a force of nature all on its own.  The larger you shine, the more people that benefit just from being in its presence.  I want to say your presence . . . but it’s so much more than that.  It is A Presence.  You can’t help but LOVE the freaking bejeezers out of every single individual you come across . . . and feel such gratitude towards them for just EXISTING.

It’s the most beautiful way to experience life imaginable.  It’s everything a person ever wanted and more.  The ONLY thing I personally wanted more . . . was to somehow be able to give that experience to everyone else.  That’s my motive.  My hidden agenda.  I don’t want to be there alone.  I want every single one of you mother fuckers there with me.

So I’m not here to judge.  I don’t care what you’ve done.  I only care in the sense that it snags you up and prevents you from reaching personal genuine happiness and joy in life.  When I’m being blunt with people, it’s not because I’m unfeeling and insensitive (and so what if I am), it’s because I’m too aware of how small potatoes it is compared to what is waiting for you on just the other side of that door.  It’s more like . . . yeah, yeah, move it along . . . so we can get to the fucking pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  Put down that nasty jar of black tar shit you’ve been carrying around, pretending that’s who you are, and let’s get moving to the jars of pure golden honey that await you.  Seriously.

The Place of No Time and No Me

I started writing a reply to a comment. . . and it was quickly morphing into a full blown blog post. . . so I moved it here.

To catch you up to speed, here is the link to the comment from Ophelia (Myself).  The part in particular I was responding to was this:

i know when i relate to people, sometimes it sounds self-obsessed.  or so i’ve been told.  yeah, i kind of am.  i think it comes from feeling alone.  personally i love it when people tell me about themselves and i can say YES!!! ME TOO!!! so that’s where i’m coming from.  i’m just so pleased to find you.

The entire comment is great, so if you have a moment, it’s worth the read. (And unlike my novels, it’s relatively brief) : D

It pulled on a topic that’s been pacing in my head the last week or so, trying to gain an entrance (or exit. . . guess it depends on whose perception you are looking at) and this seemed to be it.

So here I. . . it (?) . . . goes.

If you haven’t noticed, there’s a couple of things I have a difficult time keeping straight/consistent in my writing.  (And if not, then I’ve just done a good job in curbing it and probably need to stop that to really let loose.)

1) Pronouns/1st person, 2nd person, & 3rd person.

2) Tenses – Past, Present, & Future

I was a self taught reader.  My mom said I somehow already knew how to read by age 4.  I always aced literature, spelling, English.  It was always 2nd nature to me.  But what I could *not* seem to ever get right in my writing, are those two things.

For me, this actually ties into the “self-obsessed” accusations I heard once upon a time.

When I’m writing or even communicating in general. . . there is *something* that is going on in me that I think may go beyond what the average person is experiencing in the same situation.  That may not be true, but I think I can at least safely say, I’m more aware of this *something* than most people.

I was seeing visualizations of it while driving in the sunshine this afternoon.  I saw communication in general, as a river flowing.  I was standing in the middle of it.  I cupped my hands and filled them with this water, and lifted the water out of the running river.  The water I held, represented an idea or thought.  Maybe a blog post.  It was a temporarily suspended snapshot of an understanding in that moment.  I could observe it, describe it. . . do anything I wanted with it. . . and for that moment. . . it was completely true.

As soon as that moment is gone, and the water has slipped back into the river. . . it’s gone and has changed and has new connections and layers added to it.  Words, communication, thoughts, ideas. . . have a life of their own.  They are fluid, ever moving, ever changing, dynamic.  As soon as someone has a great idea and publishes it or gets it printed. . . it’s already outdated in the ethers and long since moved on and morphed.

This river. . . connects and runs through everything.  It collects, retains, learns, and relays everything it has learned to everything else.  The wispy web threads I’ve spoken of before, are a part of this.

When I’m communicating, voicing my opinion, thinking, have a distant look in my eyes as I look off into space when I’m talking to you. . . that’s where I am.  I’m in that place where this river runs.

When I’m there, I’m not Jenn.  I’m not any one thing.  I’m not a nobody. . . I am a presence. . . but I have no. . . single identity that I would be able to give a name too.  (Oh the irony kills me. . . the river energy I am describing is Gemini. . . Gemini is the universe’s label maker. . . and yet when I’m connected into it. . . I lack a label.)

I’m also in a place of *no* time.  It just is.

So as I ride this literal etheric information super highway, I skip around from perceptions of I, She, Us, You.  It naturally and freely comes out depending on what thread I’m cruising down as I search or am pulled to the location that holds the information I am conveying or trying to explain.  Same thing with tenses.  Sometimes I’m in current time, sometimes I’m in what we would consider the past. . . and sometimes the future.

During all of this, I always have a thread or something that anchors me here and stays present and aware that I’m in this place and time. . . that I’m writing, that I’m a female.  But, that’s about all I’m aware of from *here*.  If I become TOO aware of who and where I am at present. . . the connection into the information weakens.  What this means, is that if I give in too much to being aware of what I’m saying and how I’m saying it so that it doesn’t offend someone. . . I am not able to stay connected into that space of no time and no me.  (Btw, this also accounts for 99% of my spelling/grammar errors which I am continuously having to edit the posts to fix.)

Some of the reason for that, is because I am actually trying to translate from “ether energy speak” to English.  If I start adding to it, “You know, if you keep speaking in this manner, people will take it as you lecturing them and stop listening.” it can start becoming the straw that broke the camel’s back.  I can’t do it.  It doesn’t feel good or right to do it.  It literally. . . messes with my flow.

So back to the comment regarding being self-obsessed.  I feel this is a matter of semantics.  I don’t even know if that’s a proper use of that word, but it’s what came in.

It only sounds like I’m self-obsessed.  All I’m really trying to do, is keep consistent so that I make some sort of linear sense to others and can communicate what I feel, know, see.  As I’ve said before. . . until my late twenties, I did not understand or comprehend that I was a separate individual from others.  I am perfectly at home with using the “royal we” perspective.  With switching between I, you, me, her, him, they. . .   Because I’m not attached to it.  It doesn’t mean to me what it means to people in general.  It’s not important to me really, at all.  But people in the past have thrown such a goddamn fit over it, that I’ve tried to understand and use it properly.

If I use *I* and *me* too much, I’m self obsessed.  If I use *you* too much, I’m supposedly telling others how they feel.  If I use *us* and *we* too much, I’m trying to be a guru or make people follow me.

It’s enough to make me want to start beating my head against the wall, because all of the focus is on something that is so. . . irrelevant in the big picture, that the actual message goes unheard.

The tenses (past, present, future), I’ve never really had anyone have an issue with it – I just understand that it can be hard to follow what someone is saying when they are leaping all over like they’re in a perpetual time machine while they talk.

People on the autism spectrum (always think of rainbows when I say that) have trouble communicating verbally.  They tend to think in pictures/images.  They can see straight into your soul, but don’t know how to socially interact with you without there being some level of awkwardness and discomfort.

But it’s not for the reasons people think.

How would a line, describe its world to a dot.

How would a square, describe its world to a line.

How would a cube, describe its world to a square.

How do you translate from one way of being to another, more limited. . . linear way of being?

How do you describe something that is new and more than the world everyone has previously known?  Where do you find the right vocabulary?  How do you even get someone to pay attention or realize that even though you may be using the same words as them. . . you are trying to convey a richer, bolder, expanded meaning. . . when those people are so sure they already *get* the meaning of the words you use.

 

The One Affects the All and the All Affects the One

I wanted to delve further into a topic that has come up on its own a couple of times now (And Here We Are and A Little Disclosure).  This is not something I had previously thought out before writing it.  It just pounced into my writing like it had a god given right to be there, and who am I to argue?

The One Affects the All and the All Affects the One

This concept comes from somewhere deep inside of me that seems pretty hell-bent on getting this idea across, because so far any time I get within range of a subject meandering in its territory. . . it takes the opportunity and devours it like a Lion on a Zebra.  {I have no idea why I just capitalized Lion and Zebra. . . don’t ask obvious questions when I’m trying to look smart.}

I’m going to quote the latest I said while in that territory just to get the ball rolling:

How the general population views a group of people AFFECTS THOSE PEOPLE.  It energetically affects them.  Imagine wisps of energetic strings that look very much like fine spider webs.  And imagine those are connected between all of us and our environment.  And when you have a large group of people with a certain perception of a group of people. . . that it relays it down those fine wires to those group of people and they feel it and experience it and are subconsciously affected by it.  Your misunderstanding and misperception of those people HURTS THOSE PEOPLE.

Just in case you’re new in town, here’s the down-low about me.  I’m very intimate with the energetic world.  I was lost in the sauce for a good portion of my life because of being too aware of energies around me, visions, and a lifetime of lucid dreams.  In addition, because of being so sensitive to these things, I *also* had a hard time understanding myself, others, and how we were separate from each other.  Until my late twenties. . . I didn’t understand the concept that I was actually a separate individual from the rest of the herd.  (That is probably a whole ‘nother post all by itself.)

The last decade has been spent in earnest tearing apart everything I thought I knew, and understanding 1) who I am and how I am separate from others and 2) discerning the many different subtle energies I pick up and how they are connected to the *seen* world (aka “reality”).

I’m still learning.  I’m still surprised on a regular basis.  I had no idea that everyone didn’t experience life like I did.  It is *still* shocking to me.  I once had a short period of time where I went “offline” and wasn’t getting my usual visions and energetic connection information.  I felt blind, deaf, and dumb.  I cried a lot more than usual.  And I have a new-found understanding and a sort of respect love for people who aren’t connected into the ethers like me and get through life just fine, because I honest.to.god do not know how they suffer navigate life without it.

So where was I? Ah, yes.

Wispy spider webs.

{Just a sec, I’m in the middle of eating a popsicle.}

{Yum}

Okay, so anyways, I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “We are all one”, and maybe (like me) you’ve heard it so often that you almost feel yourself want to vomit up your lunch when you hear it now.  It’s been said to death.  And really, what does that mean at a practical day to day level?  Does it mean that all ya’ll are going to also help me with my grocery shopping and help pay my bills?  No?  Awwww.  : (

Well, when tuning into the energetics, I get a slightly different perception.  And that is that we are all connected.  I am me, and you are you.  We are not “we” per se, but we are an us.  (I just went all Alice in Wonderland on your ass).  What I’m actually trying to say, is that we are all individuals within a collective whole.  Cells that make up a larger body.

There are these gossamer threads, that very much resemble the threads of a spider -web (but a little more magical), that connect things in the world together.  I guess like the internet, or telephone lines, or even the synapses in a brain. . . but a much more sophisticated type of technology.  It relays information between everything.  Feelings, thoughts, sounds, visuals, etc.  Packets of real-life information.  It can drop off and attach where ever we send our “feelers”.

If I’m thinking about Jay, it relays that information straight to him via our little webby connection.  He may in that same instance think of me for a brief moment.  It’s like getting poked on facebook (but less weird).  If you are sensitive/aware of these things… you can actively work with it.

It works on a larger scale too.  If you are a part of the “American” group, and the overall opinion from the “Rest of the World” is that “Americans” are assholes. . . whether it’s true or not. . . any people, who at any level identifies with being an American. . . will at the energetic level. . . get *pinged* with that data packet.  If you’re aware of it, you can work with it.  You could dismiss it (block it) or you could send one back {fuck you} or {I am love}. . . whatever you choose.

Kind of let that soak in for a moment.

{Contemplating another popsicle, because oh my gosh the last one was delicious.}

{Popsicle nomming has commenced.}

Okay, back to seriousness.

I happen to be a person who is greatly affected by what other people think about me.  People, in a kind and loving effort to pull me out of a crying funk will say to me, “Don’t let what others think of you, bother you.”  And I wish it was that simple.  I am pinged with it immediately.  Someone thinks I’m rude.  I feel “you’re rude” and the associated feelings/information they have about that coming from the person.  It makes me cry.  I try to not show it to anyone.  I’ll keep an expressionless face until I can get somewhere alone where I feel safe before I’ll let myself bawl.  But there it is.  And sometimes, I don’t make it to somewhere safe.  There are countless times when I’m sitting at my desk with a handful of Kleenex trying to frantically remove all signs of a complete mini meltdown before someone walks by.

Call it emotional immaturity if you like.  It’s just a part of how I’m wired, and I’m not sorry for that. . . but I am regularly embarrassed by it.

Even if you aren’t sensitive to energies, you are still affected by these things.  They still have an impact to your life.  And the things you say and do, impact others in this way as well.

That’s how we hurt ourselves when we hurt others.  That’s how we hurt others when we hurt ourselves.  We are constantly sending and receiving all of this information to and from each other individually and all over the world.  Retaliating or getting revenge or “getting mine” is like punching yourself in the face over and over.  Really stupid.

There are so many other things and ways this affect all of us individually and collectively. . . but I think I’ve given the general idea of what I’m trying to say.

The cool thing about it is, it works for all types of feelings/thoughts.  Including the kind and loving ones.  But you can’t just say or pretend think kind things, you have to really be feeling them in order for them to travel the wisps (web was already taken, so I had to think of something else).  But that’s not to say that you deny or try to repress the not so nice things.  Sometimes, that’s exactly what is needed for the moment.

Ok.  It’s after 2am here, so it’s time to take my popsicle eating ass to bed.

And Here We Are

It’s not that I don’t *get* social cues.  I am aware of them, but that doesn’t help me understand what is going on.  It’s like living in a world of “The Emperor’s New Clothes”, where everyone is simultaneously The Emperor and the crowd.  Pretending things to be other than they are.

I am not seeing the pretend.  I’m seeing everyone naked (just in case people weren’t already feeling awkward around me).  When I was younger, I responded to what people were really feeling/thinking (or my interpretation of the things I felt coming from them). . . and not what they said or did to try and hide that part of themselves.  I was constantly told that I was wrong or being inappropriate.  I had a knack for seriously pissing people off with what seemed to me to be a completely innocent statement.

People and their reactions to the things I said made no sense to me.  It would be the equivalent of saying, “The sky is a pretty blue.” and the response being someone frothing at the mouth and raging and saying, “How DARE YOU!?”  It seemed random and inappropriate to what I was actually feeling or thinking.  I reached a point where I didn’t know what was or was not okay to say. . . and I cringed every time I did say something because I had zero idea what the response was going to be.

I genuinely did not understand.  I still don’t.  Not really.  There were many times when I was younger that I didn’t know why I was in trouble.

“What did I do?!?”

“You know what you did.”

“No, I really don’t!”

“Quit being a smartass.”

“HOW AM I BEING A SMARTASS?!?!?!”

So growing up, I was often in a sea of confusion.  Even when I was telling the absolute truth, I was accused and punished for lying.  When I called out people who were obviously lying, I got into some serious shit trouble.  So how come when I say something true… I’m lying, but when someone else is lying and I say they are lying. . . I’m told I’m being wrong or inappropriate?

That sends a kid mixed messages.

{Rant Alert: Brought on by sheer frustration at having spent a life feeling like I was worthless and like I had something to be ashamed about.  And I’m not, and I don’t.}

When is a person supposed to lie and deny it and when is a person supposed to accuse a person who is telling the truth that they are lying?  Why would you do it in the first place?  All it does is cause so much unnecessary pain and trauma.  And it’s fucking exhausting.  Who can keep up with that shit?  My social awkwardness (and exhaustion) comes more from a “I’m sick of this guessing game of what I’m supposed to say or do when it’s not what I’m really wanting to say or do.”

When I read that people with Asperger’s or Autism don’t understand social cues. . . I’m like. . . huh?  Oh, do you mean, that I don’t understand these made up, arbitrary rules that everyone lives by?  Because yeah… that’s more of what we’re really dealing with here.

But, I have made every attempt at trying to figure it out, because my world is lonely.  I try to mimic how others respond to similar situations.  But because it seems like people make up the rules as they go, I don’t always have a previous example for how I’m supposed to respond to something (or the energy to give a hoot).  I learned (more or less) how to play pretend in my social interactions because that’s what I see the rest of the world doing.  But it’s not natural to me… so yeah, I’m fucking awkward in social situations.

Do you know when I’m NOT awkward in social situations?  When I get to be truly, unapologetically me.  When I can be exactly who I am, and how I’m feeling at that moment, and nobody is taking personal fucking offense or misunderstanding my intentions (aka projection), or telling me I’m wrong, or throwing guilt trip sandwiches, or trying to make me feel like I’m two inches tall . . . and when I can feel energetically that everyone is open and accepting of whatever is happening in the moment.  When everyone is accepting of each other (faults and all).  I think that’s what is referred to as being supportive and part of a team.  Not PRETENDING to be supportive or a part of the team. . . but when it’s genuinely unfolding like that.

But I haven’t had very many opportunities to get to experience that.

I recently read a study that was done with kids with autism, that pissed me off so much that my head nearly exploded.

In Children With Autism, Voices May Not Trigger Brain’s Reward Centers

“The human voice is a very important sound; it not only conveys meaning but also provides critical emotional information to a child,” said Daniel Abrams, PhD, a postdoctoral scholar in psychiatry and behavioral sciences who was the study’s lead author. Insensitivity to the human voice is a hallmark of autism, Abrams said, adding, “We are the first to show that this insensitivity may originate from impaired reward circuitry in the brain.”

Before I even had a chance to digest what it was I was reading, I was feeling rage.  There was a lot of bleepity bleeps going off in me.  #&!@#&%$!

What went roaring through my mind was, “Goddamnit!  It’s not that they don’t experience speech as pleasurable, it’s that they have extra-sensory capacity AND because they only respond to truth.  They aren’t responding how YOU think they should… but they are not experiencing the world like YOU do.  Get out of your goddamn materialistic-focused science box!”

If I had been told when I was a little girl that I simply, “Didn’t understand social cues.”  There is a good chance I would go my whole life thinking something was wrong with me.  I would probably never live up to my full potential, because I would have been mentally confined into a restricted space of “there’s only *this* way to be that is socially acceptable”.

The overall mentality about Autism is that they are . . . well, I’m just going to say it. . . retarded.  And guess what?  We can sense that and pick it up in every little movement and interaction you have with us.  And when we don’t ever have anyone counteracting that in our environment, or modeling a different way that we understand… that’s exactly the zone we stay in. . . retardedville.

You may be saying to yourself. . . “Oh no. . . that’s not how I think of it.  They’re just different, that’s all.”  Well.  Remember the part about “The Emperor’s New Clothes”?  Here’s an example.  It’s not socially acceptable to say it or even admit feeling it.  So, everyone puts on this facade of “that’s not how I think or feel at all, I’m civilized” or AKA being politically correct.  But, it’s still in your energy field.  And we read/sense/communicate via energy fields.  So, you can be all “that’s not what I think at all” . . . but we don’t even hear that.  (<—not responding to voice or words)  We’re responding to what you’re really feeling, and we’re able to experience and process it and know all kinds of things between ourselves and you without moving a facial muscle.  What took me FOREVER to realize and understand, is that not everyone operates like that.

In our attempt to explain our world and what we experience, using a spoken language that is greatly lacking in terms and descriptions to fit what we experience, people misunderstand or don’t know what to do with us.  They will tell us flat out that it’s not true (oh good… because I already had self esteem issues… now I’m going to battle self confidence issues my whole life because I’m constantly being explained away or told that how what I think, feel, etc. is wrong or something that I should be ashamed of or feel guilty about.)

Why is it difficult for us to ask for help, or set boundaries, or speak up for ourselves?  Because we know. . . that you aren’t going to understand. . . you aren’t going to get what we’re saying, because your ears are closed and your eyes are blind.  And because if we don’t understand ourselves yet (because we’re constantly being bombarded by others telling us who and what we are, that we’re unable to get out from under it long enough to hear our own internal voices) then we aren’t going to be able to form appropriate words (that aren’t going to offend or throw you all over the place emotionally) to appropriately communicate or push OUR truth out into a world that is screaming the opposite back at us.

For the LOVE OF GOD, if you understand nothing else in my rant, understand this: The One Affects the All and the All Affects the One.

How the general population views a group of people AFFECTS THOSE PEOPLE.  It energetically affects them.  Imagine wisps of energetic strings that look very much like fine spider webs.  And imagine those are connected between all of us and our environment.  And when you have a large group of people with a certain perception of a group of people. . . that it relays it down those fine wires to those group of people and they feel it and experience it and are subconsciously affected by it.  Your misunderstanding and misperception of those people HURTS THOSE PEOPLE.

We communicate and interact in ways that are constantly dismissed by the general population.  Bringing up things like sixth sense, ESP, being psychic, telepathy. . . is met with so much controversy.  It’s bullshit, nonsense, for ignorant superstitious people, for idiots who don’t use their brain, or my favorite. . . it’s Evil.  The devil’s work.  Awesome.  A great deal of how I am and how I operate is bullshit or make believe or evil. . . that does not make me feel safe, accepted, okay, secure, validated, or even like I have the right to breath or exist.  You want the kids coming in who are autistic to not shutdown or retreat into themselves or freakout emotionally. . . then the world needs to quit telling them in its actions and feelings that who they are is wrong or bad or something they should feel ashamed of or guilty about.

They shut down because they are sensitive.  They are connected to everything.  In their quiet, they can experience far off worlds and sensations that you could only dream about.  People in general are like bulls in a china shop to their senses.  People are so unaware of themselves and their energy, that they come barreling into the autistic kid’s space and wreak havoc!! and then are frustrated when the child doesn’t respond in the manner expected of them by other’s standards.

And then to add salt to energy, the world is trying to understand what’s “wrong” with them with strictly science measures, thinking we’ll find the answer or the “cure”.  You will find the actual physical differences between them and other people. . . but it isn’t telling you why they are like they are.  If you do not take into account the unseen and unknown and the spiritual… you will not ever, EVER understand what is going on with Autism.

It’s not the kids!  It’s not the kids with the goddamn problems.  It is our current world and how it is.  They show us where we are off and out of balance in what we do and how we live.  They have to have a safe, open, honest, real place to just be who they are.  And they NEED others to be the same.  And quit fucking subconsciously bombarding them with messages that there is something wrong with them or that they need to be tested or treated like lab rats or “cured”.

Case in point:

Autistic Teen Working on Astrophysicists PhD

Kristine Barnett’s son, Jacob, 15, was diagnosed with moderate to severe autism  when he was 2.  Because he had lost language, he was on the more severe end  of the spectrum.  Psychologists and teachers believed that the young boy  may not ever speak again.  As Barnett put it, they thought that he was  lost.
. . .

As Barnett would run a daycare out of her home, she would play with other  people’s kids outside while Jacob was slumped over the table inside, where he  would work with therapists.  He was spending hours trying to put a ball in  a cup.

One spring day, as the kids ran through a sprinkler, she decided  to make a change.

“We were forgetting his childhood.  His spirit was  being crushed by the opinion that everything was wrong,” she said.  “I  resolved to give it back to him.”

. . .

She decided then to take a second trip to a planetarium.  When they  arrived, a college-level lecture was taking place.  Hesitant, she took her  boy in.  Jacob immediately began reading the slides, and when the professor  asked a question about the density of Mars’ moons, Jacob answered the question  — correctly.

“At that point, my view changed, and I realized that his  mind is remarkable,” Barnett said.  “He understood complex concepts.   My outlook for his future was completely changed.”

Today, Jacob is now  working towards a Ph.D. at Indiana University-Purdue University Indianapolis  (IUPUI).  Several IQ tests have been administered on him, and Barnett said  that it’s been concluded that he can’t be measured, so he is always given the  top number.

Just be fucking real.  Learn how to do that.  Learn to be truthful and open.  Mimic them.  Try to understand how they ACTUALLY experience the world instead of projecting onto them.  They are the world’s teachers and leaders for the future.  They are our hope.

They are the answers to the many prayers that you have been pleading to God and the Universe for.

You have been asking for help here on Earth.  And you were heard.

And here we are.

The Song Whisperer

I’ve been listening to Jay’s latest song, There’s a Storm Rolling In, over and over. It’s not completely my fault. I was minding my own business this morning and trying to get some long overdue cleaning and organizing done in the house, and next thing I know. . . I’m humming . . “There’s a Storm Rolling In. . . ” That in itself is not a big deal. I often have songs pop into my head for no reason. . . constantly in fact. I’m like some sort of organic iPod random shuffle. But there is a different quality or feeling in this instance.

And this isn’t the first time that one of Jay’s songs have gone all weird on me in the last week.

End of last week, I was at work and owning an Excel Spreadsheet like a boss, when out of *nowhere*, and in a Very Dramatic way. . .the beginning part of a song that Jay wrote over a year ago came barreling into my head. (You can hear it here, A New Wind Blowing) It was loud, intrusive, and definitely came from outside of me . . . meaning, it wasn’t just my thoughts picking up or thinking about the song. . . it was just there of its own accord. Like in a, “Hello!!! My name is Tom and I just moved into the neighborhood, and thought I’d stop and say hi!” kind of way.

I think I may have even jumped from being startled.

I’m used to really weird shit happening, but this was a new one even for me.

The song seemed to have its own distinct personality. It was hyper, excited, and wanted to “be a part of this”. At which point, I saw/heard the song Jay had just published about the storm. . . and at a certain point in *that* song I saw the one that had just crashed the party in my head. . . start to do an overlay of itself over (or through? weaved?) the other song. “I want to be a part of this.”

Lucky for the song “A New Wind Blowing”, Jay happened to be online. . . and I was immediately writing him.

“Ummm. Baby? You’re not going to believe this but, a song of yours has a message it wants me to give you. . . ”

And lucky for *me*. . . Jay is hardly ever surprised by what comes out of my mouth, and is easily able to roll with it. (Thank fucking god I found him. Damn I’m a lucky girl).

He called me a “Song Whisperer”.

Anyways, so back to today’s little treasure. The song came into my mind in a similar fashion, but less intrusive/hyper, and more subdued/gentle. Again, it felt like it came from outside of me and it had its own distinct personality. But this one wasn’t wanting to give a message to Jay, it had something it wanted to share with me.

So I gave in (hey, why not?), and got my phone and started playing it while I continued with my chores. But I had to make myself stop and really be present with the song. Spirit and Soul don’t speak if you aren’t paying attention.

It was then, that I was able to feel something stir and awaken in me. It felt a little melancholic. But deeper and fuller than that. It was swirling and expanding something in my root chakra, that gave it a timeless feeling. Something delicate and beautiful. . . faint and soft, was floating up from there. It felt like *meaning* and *purpose*. . . *fate* . . . *destiny*. . .

. . .*larger than life*. . .

. . . a feeling I faintly recall from childhood that’s been starting to find its way back into my vocabulary the last few days. A feeling of caring again. A feeling of wanting to join life again. A feeling that doesn’t have words yet. . . the closest I can use for translation from feeling to English is “swelling heart loving beauty for all of Life”. A feeling of being filled with care, nurturing, love, acceptance, kindness. It feels like something ancient. Something True.

Maybe something along the lines, of what a person would feel when they know they are taking their last breath. . .

Except. . . add to that, a person just about to start a brand new life. . . and it’s everything they’ve ever wanted.

They’re standing on that threshold

. . . on one side, they are saying goodbye to all they’ve ever known. . . and the love and appreciation for all the things they got to experience . . . and all the others who shared in that experience with them. A feeling of love and gratitude.

. . . on the other side, they are starting to see the sun’s rays fall on the new life that’s the result of so much hard work and sacrifice. A place of peace and love. Laughing and Love. Family and friends. . . as far as the eye can see. . . welcoming you with open arms. Singing a song of love and warmth. . . forgiveness. . . acceptance. . . for all of who you are. And in return loving all of them for all of who they are.

Perhaps. . . that’s why the sunny, shiny, new beginnings song “A New Wind Blowing” wanted to be a part of “There’s a Storm Rolling In.” They’re inevitably a part of each other. . . always. The New comes barreling across the threshold, and takes ahold of the Old’s hand. . . and threads both into the New, to forever continue the Story of Life.

Expressing the Inexpressible

Imagine yourself very still.  Your breathing very slow and stable.  For whatever reason, for this moment you’re able to suspend your stress and worries.  You take a deep, satisfying breath.  You aren’t thinking about what you should be doing.  You are fully surrendered to this moment and the feelings.  You are so still, that your body is able to release any tension it’s holding. . . it is also able to surrender, because it recognizes that it is in a safe space and doesn’t need to be ready to protect or defend the body. . . it can let go.

In this space, of complete quiet and stillness, another feeling begins to surface.  One that seems very familiar. . . but that you haven’t felt in so long that you almost mistake it for anxiety.  You keep expanding the space of your awareness to make room for this feeling.

You find that it is in fact, something you stuffed down a long time ago in order to survive.  It’s a warmth. . . it’s a joy. . . it’s a feeling at the most sensitive and subtle levels.  You are almost scared to let it through, because you know how hard it is to be in this energy and in the “real” world.  But you miss it so much, that you indulge yourself, even if just for a few minutes. . . just so you can feel it again.  It feels like home.

So you surrender to it, accepting any consequences that come with feeling it.  It starts to fill you up.  You’re having to be very brave and open, even as you feel scared and want to tighten and close yourself up to protect yourself.  But as you pull off this little miracle and experience it for the first time in a long time, you remember it.  And you understand why it was necessary to push it away earlier in your life.

Every sense is so magnified and  intensely felt. . . that the smallest movement. . . the most subtle of gestures. . . . sends waves of sensations rippling through you and outward beyond the physical you.  If you move too fast or too strongly. . . your system and senses go into overload and everything “blanks” out or goes numb.

You remember that it’s not that you don’t feel anything. . . it’s that you feel so incredibly much, that you are regularly in overload. . . and have come to believe that *that* is how you are.  But it’s not true at all.

Your true way of being is such, that the smallest of things can bring you the most immense amount of pleasure and feeling.  But if you move too much, too fast, too strongly. . . you go into overload and are unable to feel anything.

But when you are in that space. . . you would be able to sit next to your beloved. . . in a still and quiet environment. . . within inches of each other and not touching.  And ever so slowly moving. . . as if neither of you are moving. . . towards each other.  All you intend, is to just kiss. . . to just simply touch lips.  That is all.  But from this still space where you are tuned into yourself and feeling every little thing. . . in those minutes that tick by as you both slowly lean and move towards each other. . . is the most intense and insane pleasure you have ever felt.  You feel like your nervous system almost can’t handle the energy surging through you.  You have no wish to rush it, because any sense of pushing, controlling, or rushing the movement. . . is to pull you completely out of the feeling and into numbness.  And you don’t ever, ever want to be out of that feeling.

So you discipline yourself.  You continue to stay open to it, while breathing very slowly and staying focused in that quiet space so as not to break the spell.  You trust that your partner is doing the same for themself, and by both doing so. . . you harmonize your energies and become in sync. . . so you’re able to fully trust and surrender to the experience.  You move into a space outside of time.  Have you been doing this for 5 minutes?  15 minutes?  An hour?  Eternity?  Who knows.  Who cares.  Because it’s all you care about in that moment.

As you get closer, you have to move even slower and become even more disciplined in your stillness and breathing because the intensity has become almost more than you can endure.  So the timelessness and heavenly bliss that is coursing through every inch of your being and beyond, continues as you both hover within a breath of each other’s lips. . . almost afraid that you won’t be able to handle what happens when you finally actually touch.  The energy and anticipation building.  Eyes closed so you can maintain focus, your lips finally touch . . . and you feel like your heart is about to explode out of your chest and like you’re going to start bawling and crying at the sheer beauty of the moment.    The beauty, intensity, transcendence of the feeling . . . is beyond anything you’ve ever experienced while in body.

And you know and remember, that *this* is your true way of being and feeling.

But then you step outside, and your senses are bombarded by the pollutions and noise. . . cars and airplanes sound like they’re within inches of you and screeching at top volume.  Even the sound of the electrical wires are buzzing too loudly.  Someone yells across to a neighbor down the road, and it feels like a metal rake being scraped down your skin.  Honking, clanging, yelling . . . everything feels like a personal assault on your person.

Your whole body tenses trying to protect you, as your nervous system goes into overload and suddenly you don’t feel anything.  You can’t feel the good anymore.  You feel cold and cutoff from yourself.  You feel irritable, frustrated, angry, confused.

Someone asks you what is wrong.  You want to tell them. . . but you communicate from that sensitive space. . . the one where you are connected into everything and sense every little subtle movement in energy and intuitively understand what is being communicated. . . and with your senses being assaulted and shut down. . . you are unable to voice what is going on within you.  You don’t know how to express the magnitude of what is happening inside of you.  There are no words to describe it.  So maybe you say something like, “I feel scared” or “I feel overwhelmed” or “I feel numb” . . . but all of those things are far from what is really going on.

And the person may respond, “Yeah, well we all feel that.” or   “You have to get over it.” or “You aren’t the only one.”

And not knowing, that the other person doesn’t experience or feel the world like you do, you take it out on yourself.   “Wow… I must really be a big baby.  What is wrong with me?  Why can’t I handle things like everyone else….”

This is how every single day of life has been for me.

I don’t speak in monotone because I’m not feeling things or because I’m robot like. . . but because I feel so IMMENSELY . . . the *only* way I know how to communicate without breaking down into a slobbery, snot everywhere, ugly crying face way. . . is to be very, very disciplined.  And this requires me to speak in a straight monotone way in order to keep it all under control.

I’m not stiff and rigid in my bearing because I’m an emotionless bitch, but because I have so MUCH that wants to burst out of me.  Dance, movement, swaying, hopping, skipping, swinging, twirling.  I’m sooooo not kidding when I say I wish real life was like a musical.  I feel like I could sing and dance to everything I do in life.

But do you know how *crazy* that looks?  I already feel like I’m on the outskirts of society. . . I haven’t quite been brave enough to jump head first off the last cliff that keeps me somewhere in the tolerable zone.

But I wanna.  I wanna dance and skip and sing out loud and out of tune.  I truly have a song constantly singing in my heart and it takes everything I have to not continually express that in my everyday life.  I don’t want to hide it anymore. . . but I don’t know *how* to be like that out in the world and my everyday life. . . and be able to withstand the rejection from others.  Because I can feel it.  I’m trying to be strong enough to do it anyways.

Because being me, how I am naturally. . . there’s nothing like it in the whole wide world.  It feels like I just won the lottery every minute of every day when I am able to be like this.  So I have high motivation.  But. . . my sensitive nervous system. . . arrrgghhhhhhh!!

Deep breath.

So. . . if you happen to see some silly woman on the street. . . swaying and dancing to a song that only she hears. . . try to find it in your heart to withhold judgment and maybe even smile at her, so she knows she is supported by at least one person.  And hell, if you’re feeling extra rebellious. . . join her for a moment in her dance.  And make it the new normal.

: D

Be You Now

I really push myself to expand beyond my comfort zone for these posts.  I’m starting to get a feel for the process and the feeling that comes when I’ve reached the place in me that has something that wants to be shared.  A unique combination of feelings start to unfold and I feel the usual tension in my midsection start to let go, and I literally. . . feel my being begin to expand outward past my normal limits.  My awareness becomes bigger.

Today I felt it come on during my walk.  I felt it start to happen. . . and could feel a part of me feel scared about that bigness, and try to resist or convince it to go back in its cage.  But, my bigness just held the space and said quietly . . . “Why?”  And then the Resistance was gone, seeing that Bigness meant business.

But the answer to the question of “Why?” continued to unfold in me.  Appropriately, my random song shuffle, chose an epic soundtrack.  Making it more convincing to my Bigness, that we were in some really awesome movie and walking slowly towards the viewer while explosions went off around me, and I looked more or less unaffected.  Dramatic.  Epic.  Bigness.  is quickly followed by Shame. Guilt. Smallness.

Or was.

Why?  I asked myself.  What’s wrong with it.  What’s wrong with feeling Big.  What’s wrong with any of the things we feel?  Why are they thrown around like insults?

Feeling the unique combination of feelings start to unfold, letting me know I had hit my target for today’s topic, I let my Being fan out to collect the pieces of the story that wanted to be shared today.

I saw one of the gossamer threads come back to me with a memory of a recent comment I read on another blog about their fight with mental illness.

I saw another gossamer thread come back with this blog http://aopinionatedman.com/ and http://wrongwithlife.wordpress.com/ and this one http://www.jamesaltucher.com/, all of which I had recently hopped into briefly and scanned their posts.

I felt inside of me, a feeling of “realness” and “rawness”.  I felt chills and a feeling of electrical power radiate outward, that felt good to open up to and let through instead of trying to stop it.  In that radiating feeling, and gossamer etheric threads weaving something together, I thought of my feeling bad for feeling Big.  The woman who struggled with a life of “mental illness”.  The courage of these individuals I had just come across in the last day, to speak their truth.

I felt a strength start to pour and spread in me.  Seeing someone. . . anyone speak their own truth, unapologetically. . . is so empowering.  And in that moment, I was only feeling the gossamer threads of 4 or 5 of these brave souls in that moment. . . but the quantum leap of power and strength that was to be had in the combining and networking of the few. . . was immense.  It was POWERFUL.  It brought such.pure.joy. into my being.

Each of these people are from completely different walks of life.  They each have completely different things to say.  In person, they may not give each other a 2nd glance.  But each have something to offer all of us.  I could feel the energy of one come into me like a part of a song, and then the next came in and weaved itself into the song. . . and the next.  I could feel the commonality between all of them. . . their truth. . . the song that is released into the unseen when each is speaking their truth, whatever that truth is. . . weaves itself together and in the process. . . strengthens the whole.

In that moment, I got to stand in the middle of it, with my Bigness hanging out having a heyday.  I got to see it and feel it with all of my sensitivity that I realized was actually a gift.

There are some pretty good movies out there, with great special effects.  But they ain’t got NOTHING on this.

I felt I belonged on the set of Avatar.

All of this, while I’m walking through a busy downtown.  The bigness, the swirls of energy around me, the connections, the strength found in each person who speaks their truth and the collected strength we all gain from them.  The songs, beauty, joy that it weaves into the etheric.

In the unseen spectacle that was unfolding all around and within me, I felt acceptance of all that I was.  I did not feel sorry about any of the things that make up me.  How I can sometimes be “too much”.  That I can be intense.  That I can be stubborn.  That I can be DRAMATIC.  That I offend.  That I am loud.  That I am emotional.  That I am sensitive.

And with that acceptance, I was able to release all judgments of myself and others.  Because the immensity of beauty and power that came from people being real, made me only love all of those differences in them.  And how alone, they may not make any sense, but from the view of how they fit with the others. . . I saw that each was perfect.  And only seeing it from my Bigness, was I able to see and understand just how perfect and precise each person was.  Each complimented the other in ways that could never have been guessed at the individual level.

We don’t need to change each other.  We don’t need to fix anything.  Let go of thinking that if others would do this or that, *then* things would be better for all of us.  We *only* need to be who WE are inside.  Be ALL of who you are.  Embrace it, love it, share it.  Bring it to the table.  Everyone.

Join, the very literal, Symphony of Life.  Finding you and being the full expression of YOU is all that is being asked.  Not what you were conditioned to think is you, not what you think you are supposed to be.  Being “good” is over rated.  Being “nice” is over rated.  Being a “giver” is over rated.  Listen inside to what you feel and let *that* out.

You will know when you’ve hit the part of you that is real, underneath all the masks and conditioning.  You will know, because it will be like a breath of fresh air.  It will be like experiencing life for the first time.  You will wish for more of it.  You will become greedy for it, because you have been starving for it.  It is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  It is like a good stretch after an awesome nap.  It will feel like you’ve finally found the road home, and as soon as you recognize it… you’ll start sprinting.

There are many of us beginning to gather on this road home.  I hope to see you there.  Your presence makes the song that much more beautiful for all of us.

There Are More Things in Heaven and Earth. . .

Sometimes I feel I am my own worst enemy.  I can work my inner world up into a lather over nothing.  Add in a little sleep deprivation and I’m ready for my own spotlight in a three-ring circus.

Instead of seeing a world of potential friends, I see a world of people that I need to defend myself against.  As I’ve mentioned in a previous post, people scare me.  And I want to understand more about that, because it greatly affects how I live my life and my day-to-day decisions.  It colors my whole world.  I’m actually pretty happy to even be aware of this feeling.  It’s one of my “blind” spots. . . I used to have no idea that this was my basic approach to life.

When I say people scare me, I don’t mean when I see a person I tremble and run and hide and quiver.  What I mean, is when I’m interacting with people, there is this basic instinct to put up a steel wall to protect myself. . . as if every person I  meet is actively trying to kill me.  I know.  A bit extreme.  But there it is.

So I want to try and talk through it right now to see if I can help understand it better, and I’d like to share with you as I do this.  Because I don’t want walls up between me and others anymore. . . it’s way too lonely.  (Learning from my son.)   : )

Inside of me is a super, duper, hyper-sensitive vulnerable person.  I feel everything around me.  I feel other’s feelings as if they were my own, and in fact, it took many years of observation and discipline to separate out what things in me were mine and what belonged to my environment and others.

If I walk into a room that at one point had something traumatic or intense happen (such as a very angry/aggressive fight) I will pick it up in my body.  I will feel the anger or rage expressed, and I will also simultaneously feel helpless and scared (whoever was being raged at) as if they were my own.  You can imagine the insanity a person would live with if they were unaware that they were picking up on something in their environment.

The same with people.  When I was 16, it seemed to sharpen considerably.  I first noticed something was “weird” about me when I hopped onto a transit bus.  There were about 3 other people sitting far away from each other.  I was feeling particularly sensitive this day.  I walked past the first person, and I was hit with what felt like a very thick, black blanket of depression and hopelessness.  I physically felt myself be pushed towards the ground as if gravity had suddenly increased strength.  I felt like I was shoved into a black pit of heavy emotions.  I had tears spring in my eyes and I kind of wanted to die just to make it go away.

I kept walking down the aisle of the bus, and came across another person on my left.  I was suddenly lifted from the dark, black, heavy hole into one of lightness and even a feeling of wanting to hum a tune and bob my head as I did so.

I kept walking and passed the third person.  I suddenly felt less like humming and felt my whole body tighten up.  I felt the warmth leave my body and I felt anxiety and fear.  I even felt some paranoia.  I wanted to run and hide.

So I just kept going all the way to the back of the bus and sat down.  And kind of freaking out because at the time, I had no idea what had just happened.  I was feeling a little bit crazy.  I didn’t figure it out that day, but as I sat on the back of the bus, I took in all of the information of the situation so that later I could continue to work out what had happened.  Now, it seems obvious… but at the time, the idea that a person even *could* feel other people as themselves, wasn’t even a part of my understanding of reality.

So, I can see how this set me up to instinctively put up a guard whenever I’m around other people.  I spent decades first understanding my sensitivity, and then learning discernment between all of the things I picked up and experienced, understanding who I was underneath all of these things I picked up (and had previously thought *was* me), and now. . . I’m trying to learn how to be me, even as I walk into a world that bombards my senses, and not become overwhelmed and lose myself again.

It can happen in a second.  When I’m talking to people, I’m picking up an insane amount of energetic information.  Trying to hold onto my own feelings and thoughts and who I know myself to be, while simultaneously picking up the things they are feeling and experiencing can feel downright impossible.  When I’m talking to a person, I actually have a lot going on inside of me that I’m trying to manage on top of trying to be present and listening to the person.

I’m continuously processing all of the energetic information as quickly and efficiently as possible so that it doesn’t overwhelm me.  So that I can, for the most part, look like a normal, sane person.  And I can quickly become scared if I start feeling overwhelmed and like I’m starting to lose the feeling of myself.  This is where I start getting defensive.  This is where I’ll start snapping at people.

Learning boundaries and how to speak up for myself (that I even have a right to speak up) has been my saving grace.  When I say, “Please give me a moment to process this.”, I’m not trying to be difficult or even contemplative, I’m trying to catch up in filtering through all the information flooding all of my senses and that I’m not *able* to continue conversation, etc.  If the person insists, I don’t hear a single thing they say because I’m in full processing mode.  You know like when your computer says all the resources are in use and it freezes… that’s what is happening to me.

And some of the fear when interacting with people, is that I don’t feel confident that I know how to handle the situation when these things happen to me.  I don’t feel like explaining to every Tom, Dick, and Harry about my sensitivities.  But I don’t know how to explain why I have to do things like I do things without looking like a stubborn ass.  But I’m so tired of trying to pretend that I’m not dealing with all of this all of the time, and I’m so tired of being misunderstood.

How do you explain to a world that only appreciates and believes in things that are picked up by the 5 senses, that you are constantly aware and sense a whole ‘nother world and not be laughed at or dismissed or minimized?  I can see, smell, hear, see, feel things that a good majority of the planet is in debate about  even existing.

By day, I’m a digital analyst.  I have a good head on my shoulders.  I’m very grounded in this world.  But.  There is far more to this reality than you can even imagine.  There is a whole *unseen* aspect that is completely dismissed in mainstream culture.  By doing so, we are dismissing a great deal of who we are too.  We are not just the things our 5 senses pick up.  We are far, far more than that.

So, I think my fear of people, is that when I’m around them, I feel like I have to hide (bury, kill?) half of who I am.  And I’m reaching a point where I can’t stand to do that anymore.  But there’s no vocabulary or dialogue to have those conversations and not make it awkward.  How do we bridge the gap between the two and make both a part of our everyday life?

Maybe that’s what I’m here to do.  Maybe that’s been the point all along of me being so grounded and of a scientific nature on one hand, but also being very aware of the energetic world and how it interfaces with “reality” and all the things believed impossible in our world.  It’s very much like seeing “the man behind the curtain”.

I don’t really know yet what my purpose is.  I’m just speculating and finding my way in the dark like everyone else.  And following the bread crumbs.  I know that it is very stressful for me to be around people for too long, and now I have a better understanding of why.  I know that I don’t want to feel lonely anymore and want to put my defenses down.  And I know that I can’t sacrifice or deny half of who I am.  Which means. . . I have to learn a new way of being.  I have to learn how to be all of me, even as I interact with people from all walks of life, in a way that is respectful and loving.

This is what I need in order to be able to live a life of just being who I am, so that I can put down my guard around others, without fear of losing myself . . . and start seeing a world of potential friends.

Thanks for sitting with me as I talked through this.  This learning how to put my guard down is pretty scary (terrifying) for me, and you being here helps me learn how to do that in a safe environment.  Here, have a { {H u g} }.

And here’s something just for giggles:

To Love and Be Loved

I had an interesting experience last night that I would like to share.  I hope I am able to describe the subtle yet powerful impact it had on me.

It had been a long day.  I was in my room getting ready for bed (avoiding a book I’ve been reading because I didn’t want to stay up until 2am again).  I’ve had a lot of big life changes happening.  Every aspect of my life is in transition. Not a whole lot of “familiar” or certainty or stable ground.  Which I think is exactly the point.  Learning to find peace and steadiness within myself, even as chaos erupts around me.

I found myself just standing in front of my bookcase.  I was tired, and it felt good to just stand and zone out for a moment.  Something my son had made me when he was younger, caught my attention.  It was his name in black and red plastic letters.  Something *pinged* me inside my heart center and radiated out.  I was suddenly alert and paying attention, like I was waiting for an incoming message.

Then I looked next to the letters, and saw a wooden box my son had made at the same time.  Rubberbanded to the top was a paper that said, “Best mom ever!”  I felt something ping me again from inside and radiate out, only louder and with stronger feeling.  I was feeling the energy and air around me start to shift to one of holding a space for a *moment* that was currently in progress.

. . .

Then my attention shifted to a picture of my fiancé, Jay,  smiling at me.

Netherlands Aug 2012 159

I felt the pinging and radiating feeling get bigger, stronger, and louder.

. . .

I looked again at the gifts from my son:

PING

. . .

Back to the picture of Jay:

Netherlands Aug 2012 159

. . .

. . .

And that’s when the full impact of the *moment* pulsed like a sledgehammer through my whole being.

In those pulses that were pinging and radiating out from me, I momentarily felt myself from the perspective of my son and Jay.  I felt as if I was in their body, looking out from their eyes and looking at me standing in front of them.  It was not a perspective that I have of myself at all.  I had never seen myself in this way.

I had a brightness around me, and I had the cheesiest grin on my face.  My world felt warmer, brighter, safer, more fun.  Things didn’t seem so bad after all.  I felt like maybe the world *was* a place worth being in.  I couldn’t stop myself from wanting to grin in response to seeing her… me.  I felt gratefulness for her… me, being in my/their life.  I could feel her/my love for me/them through them/me.  There was a plethora of emotions and feelings that I’ll never be able to put into words.

Then I experienced their world and what it would look like if I were to suddenly leave this world.  I was experiencing the difference between the two perspectives (their world with me in it, and then their world with me gone). . . because it was in that difference, that the full impact of how much I meant to them was realized.

I felt firsthand, their love for me.  And it brought me to my knees.  I was punched so hard that I bypassed the “tears welling up slowly” part, and went straight to the throes of a deep, throw up your insides, bawling.

I  knew that I was loved before, and that they love me.  But, what I experienced last night, makes what I *thought* was feeling loved… look like child’s play.  It was like I had gone from a world of black and white, to one of mind shredding, heart exploding, ego shattering Vibrant and Luminescent Colors.

They say in life, that the greatest thing is to love and be loved.

First, I learned how to Love myself.

Then I learned how to Love someone else.

Then I learned how to be Loved by another.

May each of us. . .every man, woman, and child know what it feels like to be Loved.