There Are More Things in Heaven and Earth. . .

Sometimes I feel I am my own worst enemy.  I can work my inner world up into a lather over nothing.  Add in a little sleep deprivation and I’m ready for my own spotlight in a three-ring circus.

Instead of seeing a world of potential friends, I see a world of people that I need to defend myself against.  As I’ve mentioned in a previous post, people scare me.  And I want to understand more about that, because it greatly affects how I live my life and my day-to-day decisions.  It colors my whole world.  I’m actually pretty happy to even be aware of this feeling.  It’s one of my “blind” spots. . . I used to have no idea that this was my basic approach to life.

When I say people scare me, I don’t mean when I see a person I tremble and run and hide and quiver.  What I mean, is when I’m interacting with people, there is this basic instinct to put up a steel wall to protect myself. . . as if every person I  meet is actively trying to kill me.  I know.  A bit extreme.  But there it is.

So I want to try and talk through it right now to see if I can help understand it better, and I’d like to share with you as I do this.  Because I don’t want walls up between me and others anymore. . . it’s way too lonely.  (Learning from my son.)   : )

Inside of me is a super, duper, hyper-sensitive vulnerable person.  I feel everything around me.  I feel other’s feelings as if they were my own, and in fact, it took many years of observation and discipline to separate out what things in me were mine and what belonged to my environment and others.

If I walk into a room that at one point had something traumatic or intense happen (such as a very angry/aggressive fight) I will pick it up in my body.  I will feel the anger or rage expressed, and I will also simultaneously feel helpless and scared (whoever was being raged at) as if they were my own.  You can imagine the insanity a person would live with if they were unaware that they were picking up on something in their environment.

The same with people.  When I was 16, it seemed to sharpen considerably.  I first noticed something was “weird” about me when I hopped onto a transit bus.  There were about 3 other people sitting far away from each other.  I was feeling particularly sensitive this day.  I walked past the first person, and I was hit with what felt like a very thick, black blanket of depression and hopelessness.  I physically felt myself be pushed towards the ground as if gravity had suddenly increased strength.  I felt like I was shoved into a black pit of heavy emotions.  I had tears spring in my eyes and I kind of wanted to die just to make it go away.

I kept walking down the aisle of the bus, and came across another person on my left.  I was suddenly lifted from the dark, black, heavy hole into one of lightness and even a feeling of wanting to hum a tune and bob my head as I did so.

I kept walking and passed the third person.  I suddenly felt less like humming and felt my whole body tighten up.  I felt the warmth leave my body and I felt anxiety and fear.  I even felt some paranoia.  I wanted to run and hide.

So I just kept going all the way to the back of the bus and sat down.  And kind of freaking out because at the time, I had no idea what had just happened.  I was feeling a little bit crazy.  I didn’t figure it out that day, but as I sat on the back of the bus, I took in all of the information of the situation so that later I could continue to work out what had happened.  Now, it seems obvious… but at the time, the idea that a person even *could* feel other people as themselves, wasn’t even a part of my understanding of reality.

So, I can see how this set me up to instinctively put up a guard whenever I’m around other people.  I spent decades first understanding my sensitivity, and then learning discernment between all of the things I picked up and experienced, understanding who I was underneath all of these things I picked up (and had previously thought *was* me), and now. . . I’m trying to learn how to be me, even as I walk into a world that bombards my senses, and not become overwhelmed and lose myself again.

It can happen in a second.  When I’m talking to people, I’m picking up an insane amount of energetic information.  Trying to hold onto my own feelings and thoughts and who I know myself to be, while simultaneously picking up the things they are feeling and experiencing can feel downright impossible.  When I’m talking to a person, I actually have a lot going on inside of me that I’m trying to manage on top of trying to be present and listening to the person.

I’m continuously processing all of the energetic information as quickly and efficiently as possible so that it doesn’t overwhelm me.  So that I can, for the most part, look like a normal, sane person.  And I can quickly become scared if I start feeling overwhelmed and like I’m starting to lose the feeling of myself.  This is where I start getting defensive.  This is where I’ll start snapping at people.

Learning boundaries and how to speak up for myself (that I even have a right to speak up) has been my saving grace.  When I say, “Please give me a moment to process this.”, I’m not trying to be difficult or even contemplative, I’m trying to catch up in filtering through all the information flooding all of my senses and that I’m not *able* to continue conversation, etc.  If the person insists, I don’t hear a single thing they say because I’m in full processing mode.  You know like when your computer says all the resources are in use and it freezes… that’s what is happening to me.

And some of the fear when interacting with people, is that I don’t feel confident that I know how to handle the situation when these things happen to me.  I don’t feel like explaining to every Tom, Dick, and Harry about my sensitivities.  But I don’t know how to explain why I have to do things like I do things without looking like a stubborn ass.  But I’m so tired of trying to pretend that I’m not dealing with all of this all of the time, and I’m so tired of being misunderstood.

How do you explain to a world that only appreciates and believes in things that are picked up by the 5 senses, that you are constantly aware and sense a whole ‘nother world and not be laughed at or dismissed or minimized?  I can see, smell, hear, see, feel things that a good majority of the planet is in debate about  even existing.

By day, I’m a digital analyst.  I have a good head on my shoulders.  I’m very grounded in this world.  But.  There is far more to this reality than you can even imagine.  There is a whole *unseen* aspect that is completely dismissed in mainstream culture.  By doing so, we are dismissing a great deal of who we are too.  We are not just the things our 5 senses pick up.  We are far, far more than that.

So, I think my fear of people, is that when I’m around them, I feel like I have to hide (bury, kill?) half of who I am.  And I’m reaching a point where I can’t stand to do that anymore.  But there’s no vocabulary or dialogue to have those conversations and not make it awkward.  How do we bridge the gap between the two and make both a part of our everyday life?

Maybe that’s what I’m here to do.  Maybe that’s been the point all along of me being so grounded and of a scientific nature on one hand, but also being very aware of the energetic world and how it interfaces with “reality” and all the things believed impossible in our world.  It’s very much like seeing “the man behind the curtain”.

I don’t really know yet what my purpose is.  I’m just speculating and finding my way in the dark like everyone else.  And following the bread crumbs.  I know that it is very stressful for me to be around people for too long, and now I have a better understanding of why.  I know that I don’t want to feel lonely anymore and want to put my defenses down.  And I know that I can’t sacrifice or deny half of who I am.  Which means. . . I have to learn a new way of being.  I have to learn how to be all of me, even as I interact with people from all walks of life, in a way that is respectful and loving.

This is what I need in order to be able to live a life of just being who I am, so that I can put down my guard around others, without fear of losing myself . . . and start seeing a world of potential friends.

Thanks for sitting with me as I talked through this.  This learning how to put my guard down is pretty scary (terrifying) for me, and you being here helps me learn how to do that in a safe environment.  Here, have a { {H u g} }.

And here’s something just for giggles:

To Love and Be Loved

I had an interesting experience last night that I would like to share.  I hope I am able to describe the subtle yet powerful impact it had on me.

It had been a long day.  I was in my room getting ready for bed (avoiding a book I’ve been reading because I didn’t want to stay up until 2am again).  I’ve had a lot of big life changes happening.  Every aspect of my life is in transition. Not a whole lot of “familiar” or certainty or stable ground.  Which I think is exactly the point.  Learning to find peace and steadiness within myself, even as chaos erupts around me.

I found myself just standing in front of my bookcase.  I was tired, and it felt good to just stand and zone out for a moment.  Something my son had made me when he was younger, caught my attention.  It was his name in black and red plastic letters.  Something *pinged* me inside my heart center and radiated out.  I was suddenly alert and paying attention, like I was waiting for an incoming message.

Then I looked next to the letters, and saw a wooden box my son had made at the same time.  Rubberbanded to the top was a paper that said, “Best mom ever!”  I felt something ping me again from inside and radiate out, only louder and with stronger feeling.  I was feeling the energy and air around me start to shift to one of holding a space for a *moment* that was currently in progress.

. . .

Then my attention shifted to a picture of my fiancé, Jay,  smiling at me.

Netherlands Aug 2012 159

I felt the pinging and radiating feeling get bigger, stronger, and louder.

. . .

I looked again at the gifts from my son:

PING

. . .

Back to the picture of Jay:

Netherlands Aug 2012 159

. . .

. . .

And that’s when the full impact of the *moment* pulsed like a sledgehammer through my whole being.

In those pulses that were pinging and radiating out from me, I momentarily felt myself from the perspective of my son and Jay.  I felt as if I was in their body, looking out from their eyes and looking at me standing in front of them.  It was not a perspective that I have of myself at all.  I had never seen myself in this way.

I had a brightness around me, and I had the cheesiest grin on my face.  My world felt warmer, brighter, safer, more fun.  Things didn’t seem so bad after all.  I felt like maybe the world *was* a place worth being in.  I couldn’t stop myself from wanting to grin in response to seeing her… me.  I felt gratefulness for her… me, being in my/their life.  I could feel her/my love for me/them through them/me.  There was a plethora of emotions and feelings that I’ll never be able to put into words.

Then I experienced their world and what it would look like if I were to suddenly leave this world.  I was experiencing the difference between the two perspectives (their world with me in it, and then their world with me gone). . . because it was in that difference, that the full impact of how much I meant to them was realized.

I felt firsthand, their love for me.  And it brought me to my knees.  I was punched so hard that I bypassed the “tears welling up slowly” part, and went straight to the throes of a deep, throw up your insides, bawling.

I  knew that I was loved before, and that they love me.  But, what I experienced last night, makes what I *thought* was feeling loved… look like child’s play.  It was like I had gone from a world of black and white, to one of mind shredding, heart exploding, ego shattering Vibrant and Luminescent Colors.

They say in life, that the greatest thing is to love and be loved.

First, I learned how to Love myself.

Then I learned how to Love someone else.

Then I learned how to be Loved by another.

May each of us. . .every man, woman, and child know what it feels like to be Loved.