Be As Ridiculous As Possible. You Just Might Save the World.

I have no idea where this post is going.  All I know is I need to write.

And I want to be more spontaneous today.  Loosen up some stiff, stuck, restricted, tightened energy.

I feel such a strange mixture of feelings trying to exist in me at the same time.  But when I’m able to let it happen. . . W o W . . . it’s great!

It’s a deep comfy, peaceful, loving feeling for myself, my family, and everyone surrounding me. . . mixed with a sunshiney dramatic epicness that lives out in a life-size musical ever playing out in my head that pushes me to sing out loud and dance where ever I am.

I can even see how this shows in my natal chart, and even had me laughing at myself this morning when it hit me *why* I feel this weird mixture. . . and that it relates to a need for mastering these paradoxical energies.  I say paradoxical, because one is a mix of energies that are about being at home, mothering, nurturing, intimacy, family, being quiet and still.  The other mix of energies is more of being out and about and connecting with people and communicating my little heart out!

Within my body, the deep still energy is felt from the waist down. . . and the sunshiney energy is felt from my waist up.  When I’m feeling things deeply. . . it tends to shut a gate to my sunshiney part and I’m unable to be social.  When I’m being sunshiney and social, the gate to the other side of me gets shut and I’m not able to feel my deeper feelings.  I am aware of them. . . but more like memories of them, I don’t *feel* them within myself.

I have, have, HAVE to be able to flow between the two at will.  Or aka. . . master the reconciliation of these seemingly incompatible energies, before I feel whole.

And it feels so close! I know when I’ve managed an open flow between the two, because I simultaneously light up like a supernova and *also* feel such immense love and care for everyone and everything, that I nearly burst into song and cry at the same time.

And it feels so GOOD.  Just like I wrote in my When You Believe post, when I went into a *moment* in a reply to a comment.  It wasn’t the comment that was so important to me. . . it was the space and state of mind that I had been in during that moment that was just so incredible to me.

Ever trying to refine myself,  I’m trying to understand what’s going on in that state . . . but without trying to analyze and pick it apart.  So I guess just sensing and feeling out the flowing of feelings that seem to move me into that space, while simultaneously try to “let go” of trying to control any of the process. (It again makes me think of trying to walk a tight rope across the grand canyon.)

Each insight I get helps to add to my foundation to stay in that place longer.

Today’s insight:

Allow space to feel and be dramatic – quit worrying about what other people think of you when you’re being like this!

This feels really good to me today.  AND it touches (yet again) on that child-like feeling that I have also said feels like “I believe again”.  Surprise, surprise.  It’s the same energy. . . It’s called Leo energy.  Leo is ruled by the Sun (and 5th house).  Leo loves (NEEDS) attention.  It’s like Oxygen to him.  Leo is also our eternal inner child.  Leo is *also* our creative energy.  It’s where and how we play.

The planet, Saturn, is very serious, structured, disciplined, taskmaster, life teacher. . . is one of Astrology’s least favorite planets because where ever he is in your chart, is where you are going to have to work hard to achieve results. . . but when you do, and you’ve earned your degree in Saturn-ville. . . you are greatly rewarded.  It can show in your life as a fear, as a weakness, guilt, sorrow, etc.

I have Saturn . . . in Leo. . . in my 5th house.  I have to work hard at learning how to play and have fun.

Laugh allllll you want.  I’ve already heard it all from my fellow astrologers.  “Oh. . . you poor dear, you have to figure out how to have fun and be creative.”

Well, it’s been no picnic.

I try to maintain control of myself.  Where Leo LOVES the spotlight, I HATE the spotlight.  Get that damn thing out of my face!  A couple years back, if a room were to suddenly all bring their attention to me . . . I became a deer caught in the headlights. . . I would just freeze.  ARRRRRRGGGHHHHH! Look away!  Look away!

That’s just one example of how a Saturn in Leo and/or 5th house can show up in life.  And because of this fear of being noticed, seen, etc. it stifles my creativity and ability to have fun while people have their attention on me.  Imagine every time you’re in someone’s presence, all of your warmth, creative ability, and feeling of “fun” got sucked away like a black hole had just come upon you.  (Btw. . . this isn’t all of Saturn’s influence. . . there are many other things at play in my chart that result in this.)  In that situation, the whole “you have to figure out how to have fun and be creative ANYWAYS and despite that” becomes a less fun challenge.

My first step in trying to overcome it was. . . . BREATHE!

I realized that what I did subconsciously whenever someone came around me, was I held my breath.  That’s really going contrary to what I’m really wanting to do. . . which is LIVE.

(Quick astrology side note: My Sun sign (Sun is *ruled* by Leo) is Gemini.  Saturn being in Leo. . . affects my Sun because of the Sun/Leo connection.  So Saturn ALSO restricts my Sun.  Gemini rules the lungs (and hands) and is an air sign.  So this is a real life example of how our natal charts play out in our regular lives.  Someone pays attention to me (Leo energy), I become afraid (Saturn), and then I stop breathing (Gemini).  A great remedy to this . . . is to remember to keep breathing even when someone is paying attention to me.)

But back to present time.  Being dramatic, epic, larger than life! . . . is Leo!!  And the fact that I’m able to feel AND express that energy. . . means I’ve taken Saturn up on his challenge and I’ve been working really hard at my life lesson.  That alone is something to celebrate!

So, anyways. . . back to the insight, the feeling from childhood I’ve started to regain, the “I believe again” energy. . . here’s the added layer I felt today:

Really get into those feelings, and overemphasize them. . . just like actors have to when on stage in order to convey their feelings to the audience.  It’s a weird place for me to be. . . BUT I *do* remember being and feeling that when I was younger and when I played.  It feels STUPENDOUS to me.

Like when a song would come on the radio and it was my FAVORITE and I’d grab something to hold like a microphone and my imagination had already supplied the audience for me and I was the BEST performer they had EVER, EVER seen and I was working that stage and song with every bit of my being.  No shyness, shame, guilt, self consciousness or whatever.  I wasn’t sorry for how I was.  I was just BEING with all my . . . uh. . . being.  I wasn’t thinking I can’t sing in tune, or that I looked ridiculous. . . I was thinking “I am ALIVE”!!!

And that is Leo energy.  Being vibrantly, unapologetically Alive.  Roaring like a Lion.  Being filled and exuding life and light.  Warmth.  Love.  Fully open to Life and everything it can throw your way.

And really. . . when you think about it. . . Life *is* dramatic.  We are here playing parts and pretending to be things that we are not.  That’s being pretty damn dramatic if you ask me.

“Oh, look at me, I’m a miserable nobody!”  (<—-me being very dramatic about something that I’m NOT.)

That’s dumb.  And that’s not who I really am.

So many times, when somebody does something with ALL of their Heart (<—-is also ruled by Leo) and put their whole body, face, and energy into it (singing like you’re on broadway) you get made fun of or mocked.  It becomes a “who do you think you are” situation.  You get shut down.  But why?  And why do we let that stop us from being like that?  Is it because people think that *we* think we’re better than they are?  Or does it make them uncomfortable (I really don’t know the answer, just throwing possibilities out there).  It doesn’t need to be like that.  That is the fun inner child coming out to play!  Instead of mocking. . . how about we just join in!!!

We take it so damn serious.  O.O

Me included.  Or me especially, I should say.  Saturn in Leo in the 5th has shown up as me being a pretty serious person.  All work and no play.  And that’s dumb, too.  Because I have an ENORMOUS inner child who has been rattling her prison bars, ROARING to be let out!  (She’s throwing a good old fashion Leo temper tantrum.)

I wanted to try out this idea, of being over the top dramatic, to see if it did in fact make me feel better.  So I put on my dramatic (yet contemplative. . . because I don’t want to just shine. . . I want to feel too) playlist and said. . .

“Ok, Jenn.  Here’s the scene.  You’ve just been cast as the “Dramatic Deep Feeling Diva”, and although prior to now you’ve played the meek, small, insignificant nobody. . . you have to transform into the Diva in order to save . . . The World. “

{gasp}  O.O

“And in order to do that, you have to be as open and expressive as possible.  If you don’t open full throttle. . . *they* will know.  I mean you have to just be completely ridiculous.  If you don’t completely embarrass yourself in how over the top you are being. . . we are all. going. to. die!”

{gulp}

Well. . . I don’t want to let anyone down so . . . cue dramatic feeling song.

And I just gave into it, like I did when I was 9.  (If you’re curious, the song that came on was Frozen by Madonna. . . I’ll see if I can find a youtube video to add).

I went nuts into it.  Eyes closed, open heart, freakishly contorted face, whole body getting into it and expressing it. . . just leaning and feeling my way into the song.  And thinking, “Oh yeah, I’m being so ridiculous. . . I’m totally saving the world.”

It.felt.so.good.  Big Sigh of relief.  Oh man. . . I had no idea how much I missed being so ridiculous.  I love it.  I really, really love it.  It makes my heart sing, it makes me feel alive, satisfied, content, warm, loving, open-hearted. . . just everything.  It connects me to my Whole Self.

But do you know what would make it even better?  You!!  Being ridiculous by myself is pretty great, I have to admit. . . but OMG. . . if there was more than one of us being ridiculous together?!

Well. . . together, we just might save the world.

= D