The Tale of Those *With* and *Without*

Once upon a time there was a world where a person’s awareness and focus was the sole currency.  Their *attention*.

And in this world, there were those who knew how to tap into their own internal source in order to have plenty of *attention* to spend on whatever they felt was most important and valuable.  Whatever they spent it on, gave it life.  They were allowed to spend their resource in any way they wished.

And also in this world, there were others who did not yet know how to tap into their own internal source.  They were dependent on the *attention* of those who did have their own internal source.

The ones *with* the resources, held a great responsibility in caring for those *without* the resource.  They also held the responsibility in teaching and preparing those *without*, how to one day become one of those *with*.

A simple system was used.

When those *without* behaved in a way that was aligned with those *with*, they were rewarded with *attention*.  If they then chose to spend that *attention* wisely, it would bring them closer to the next level of their development, and ever closer to becoming one of those *with*.

Becoming one of those *with*, granted a person the much coveted freedom of no longer being dependent on others, as well as no longer having to do what others said for your survival.  But with it also came the shared burden of responsibility for those *without*.

The road going from *without* to *with* was a long one.  Along the path, a person *without* had to learn many things such as discipline, strength, courage, patience, humility, kindness, love, and integrity.

They had to learn faith and perseverance, even when their journey became strewn with obstacles and nothing made sense.

They had to learn how to trust that those *with* could see the bigger picture having made the journey themselves . . . even if it seemed that they were being unfair or unjust.  Those *without* didn’t have to like it, but they needed to learn to respect it.

There were many, many things to learn and understand along the way.  Those who were eager, open, & genuine were able to move through the process quickly.  Those who were stubborn, prideful, & impatient . . . took a little longer to get through.

Each ultimately had the same tasks to learn, because every.single.one was necessary in order to even become capable of becoming a person *with*.  But to allow for each person’s individuality, they were allowed to choose for themselves the way in which they went about learning it.

They were also allowed to go at the pace that best suited them, with the understanding that there was a deadline for each cycle.  When this time came, each would be given a personalized final exam that they would have to pass in order to graduate and become a person *with*.  If a person did not pass, they would have to be held back and continue their education.

Things worked well at the beginning of the cycle because there was plenty of time, and everyone felt at ease to be their own person without any threat.

But as it neared the end of the cycle, and the looming final exams that would be the deciding factor on who would graduate and become the ones *with* and who would need to continue as ones *without* . . . those who had been goofing off and spending their *attention* unwisely. . . started to panic and become desperate.

Because of their deficiency in *attention* from not aligning themselves in the given time with the ones who were *with*, they were low in awareness and in the dark about what was happening.

Some used the fear as an opportunity to get back on their path.  But many instead tried to use what *attention* they had, to lie, trick, and steal *attention* and awareness from other students who had been learning their lessons diligently all along and had quite a bit of *attention*.

It seemed unfair to the ones in the dark, that others should have more *awareness* than them.  Because of their own lack of awareness, they were unable to see very far below the surface of outer appearances.  If they could’ve, they would’ve become aware of just how much *attention* the others had invested in themselves and their journey, and that although it looked like it was just handed to them . . . they had truly earned it.

And it seemed unfair to the ones who had put in all of the hard work and effort, that they should be forced to suffer such fools as those in the dark who had had the same opportunities as them, but wasted them.

But before they can graduate and become a person *with*, they have to learn how to shoulder the burden of responsibility for teaching and preparing the people *without*.

I Think It’s Going To Rain Today

Today I feel a part of me wanting to come out that has never voluntarily done so.

A part of me that I hold very, very deep inside of me.  The part of me that I shield and protect with every single thing I have at my disposal.

I’m having to write this very slowly, because any sudden movements make her skitter away.  She’s not used to so much conscious visibility and attention from me.

I typically avoid her.  She conflicts with how I’ve felt I had to be when I’m around other people.  I love her with all of my heart.  But, I know how the world can be, and I feel she must be protected at all costs so that I don’t lose her.

. . . B i g  b r e a t h. . .

This is the part of me that wants to comfort others.  The mother in me.

The one, that when I see heartbreak in another human, my heart breaks with them. . . and all I wish to do is rock them in my arms.  Give them a safe place to feel their pain and to let it out.

Not in pity.  Not even in sympathy.

But because no one should have to suffer heartbreak alone.

And everyone needs a safe place to let themselves fall completely apart. . . so they can release the pain and grief, instead of holding it tight inside of their body and trying to be strong for everyone else.

And because we need a loving witness to the pain we feel.  Someone who is strong enough to see you at your weakest, and not think less of you for it.

Nobody can feel the pain for us.  That is the part that we must do ourselves.  But I do not believe it needs to be done in complete isolation.

Take a moment. . . and step out of yourself.  Think of all of the people you’ve seen all over the world recently, whether it’s from TV or the internet, in person, etc..  Think of the strong emotions playing out.  Such anger and outrage.  Pain.  Crying.  Strength. Love.

Think of the times you felt those strong emotions.  What you were going through inside.  Recall those and bring them back up to the surface.

And now pretend, just for a moment. . . that instead of those people you saw, going through those emotions. . . it was you.  You standing there in outrage at what’s going on.  Or hopelessness of what your future holds.  Fear of not knowing what’s next for you or if you can protect your family or feed them.  Pain and sorrow from what you are forced to witness everyday.  Grief from loss.

Regardless of whether there is a difference in beliefs among us. . . we are all hurting and feeling in the same way underneath.

I don’t know where and when all of today’s bullshit started.  Most likely, the beginning of time.  We are all fighting someone else’s fight from long ago.

Through the eyes of a mother, when I look out at our world, my feeling is . . . e n o u g h.

T h a t’s .

E n o u g h.

A mother’s heart can’t take anymore.

I think we have all suffered for far, far too long.  It’s time to stop now.  Just let it go.

None of us here on this planet right now, deserve this.  Not.One.Person.

We’re all just acting out cycles of pain from generations past.  We’ve inherited their mistakes, their pain, their grief, their anger. . .

Someone has to be big enough to just.let.it.go. . . so we can all start healing.

More Lead, Red Balloons Please.

Just in case I was trying to win a popularity contest, either consciously or subconsciously, I thought I’d write this post and end all chances of that happening.

But first, a little background regarding myself.  Like I said previously, I push myself to expand when I write these posts.  I’m also trying to find *my* voice underneath all of the harsh critics that rant in my head when I’m trying to write something that I know will be published.

“Is this really what *I* feel, or is this what I tell myself to play it safe or to be fair to everyone?”

Right now, I feel more of a need to be fair to me, and what I feel to be true inside of me.  I cannot express how hard this is for me to do.  We all have our inner battles we fight on a daily basis.  This is mine.  For whatever reason, whenever I’ve tried to express what I feel to be true for me, it is met with great opposition.  Minimized, ignored, overridden, dismissed, laughed at.  I went years hardly speaking at all, because I believed that the things I had to say were dumb, stupid, irrelevant.

It was my understanding, that everyone else was clued in to what was going on, and that I was hopelessly lost.  So I listened and observed.  Everything.  Decades of frantically trying to understand the world around me and my place in it before anyone caught on that I didn’t know what the fuck was going on.  Trying to understand how to vocalize my inner world, in a way that didn’t sound crazy or so that I wasn’t continually rejected every time I opened my mouth.  I’m not telling you this to call anyone out, or for anyone to feel ashamed.  I’m telling you so that you have some frame of reference for where I’m coming from.

I want to overcome this battle in me.  I want myself to know that the things I feel matter too.  That I cannot control how anyone responds to what I say, but that doesn’t mean that I should keep quiet from fear of it.  Or that what I feel is any less important than what others feel.  It is up to me to win this battle, not anyone else.  So, don’t feel you need to respond any other way, than how *you* truly feel.  In fact, I insist on it.  I prefer it.  Believe in me enough, to know that I will figure out how to handle it with grace in my own way and in my own time . . . and I will do the same for you.

But back to my impending social suicide.

People, we have an epidemic/hostage situation.  The country has been taken over by two perpetrators known as “think positive” and “you create your own reality”.

It has become a pretty serious situation.

Some of the consequences include (but are not limited to) denial, uninvited impromptu lectures, repression, oppression, obliviousness, unhappiness, disappointment, unkindness, coldness, division, holier-than-thou syndrome, deafness, passive aggressiveness, passive victimhoodness, apathy, avoidance, loss of sense of humor, political correctness insanity, and anal leakage.

Since these two perps have taken over, the world has gone to shit, despite their claims of making all of our dreams come true.  Scientists are baffled.

The crime they are being charged with, is trying to force humanity to fly. . . before they had learned how to walk.  And giving matches to children.  And painting the world in black and white. . . or only white (there’s no black if you don’t think about it).  And for being lazy and trying to skip completely over the whole “discernment” bother.

Don’t misunderstand what I’m saying.  I’m not ignorant of the situation.  I’m very clear on what is going on.

It may have started off well intentioned.  But it has now just become one more thing to slap each other in the face with.  And btw, I do believe in being optimistic, and I do believe in creating your own reality.

But, here’s where I enthusiastically and unapologetically start going over like a lead, red balloon:

Creating your own reality is a privilege that is earned, and a natural byproduct of having done the hard work of healing yourself.  They don’t just hand that shit out to anybody.  And guess what?  It means taking a long, hard, honest look at the parts of you that you don’t even want to acknowledge are there.  It means getting into the dirty, grimy, nasty, smelly cracks and crevices of your being . . . and bringing them to Light.

Humble yourself.

Forgive yourself.

Love yourself.

And not with the intention of finding a cracker jack prize at the end.  Because if you do it for any other reason than what is Real or True, you will *not* find what you are looking for.  You can fool your family, you can fool me, you can fool yourself, but you will not fool the Energy or whatever name you choose to call it by, that is in charge of and responsible for this process in this existence.  I don’t care how brilliant you think you are.

We all want to avoid what is considered negative or “bad” things in life.  They are most unpleasant, I agree.

But what if the gold you are looking for, is hiding within that darkness?  That the darkness is there, because it’s hiding the doorway out of the insane asylum.  That you must walk through it, in order to get off the hamster wheel?

And then, what if you knew, that the dark fog was nothing but smoke and mirrors.  That it has NO true power over you.  All that it can do is use your own shadows and weaknesses against you.  Whether you have acknowledged those fears or shadows in you or not. . . *It* knows what they are.  And that’s where only thinking positive and not acknowledging those things in yourself, can really fuck you up.  It will always have an advantage over you, and be one step ahead of you. . . forever dangling that carrot in front of you making you think you’re making progress… but naaaaaah, not really.

“Hahahahahahaha.  Noob.”, it says as it tosses another cheeto into its mouth.

This was the path required of me in this life.  It has been cold.  It has been dark.  It has been lonely.  It has been painful.  And I have suffered greatly.

But I have learned how to call on strength and courage, even when I’m ready to piss myself.  I am learning the value of All of my strong emotions.  I have learned how to dance in the Dark and how to sing while in Pain.  I know resilience.  The words Faith, Trust, and Openness mean something completely new to me.  I’ve learned how to open my Heart, even as my Personal Demons are charging straight towards me.

I value laughter.

I have seen the most beautiful things, in the darkest of moments.

I know what’s really important in life and what is trivial.  The government and commercials would have me believe otherwise.

I will not laugh at your weaknesses.  I will love your quirks.  If you want, I will hold your hand when you’re scared.  I will hold the light for you while you walk through the dark, but I will not walk the path for you.  I think it’s a great idea to be allowed to make a lot of mistakes before you finally get it right.

I will hold you to who you really are inside, and not necessarily the one you pretend to be.

Even if it makes you hate me.  Because it’s more important to me that you find yourself again, and in doing so. . . find real happiness.

After all, this isn’t a popularity contest.

Be Real.