Expressing the Inexpressible

Imagine yourself very still.  Your breathing very slow and stable.  For whatever reason, for this moment you’re able to suspend your stress and worries.  You take a deep, satisfying breath.  You aren’t thinking about what you should be doing.  You are fully surrendered to this moment and the feelings.  You are so still, that your body is able to release any tension it’s holding. . . it is also able to surrender, because it recognizes that it is in a safe space and doesn’t need to be ready to protect or defend the body. . . it can let go.

In this space, of complete quiet and stillness, another feeling begins to surface.  One that seems very familiar. . . but that you haven’t felt in so long that you almost mistake it for anxiety.  You keep expanding the space of your awareness to make room for this feeling.

You find that it is in fact, something you stuffed down a long time ago in order to survive.  It’s a warmth. . . it’s a joy. . . it’s a feeling at the most sensitive and subtle levels.  You are almost scared to let it through, because you know how hard it is to be in this energy and in the “real” world.  But you miss it so much, that you indulge yourself, even if just for a few minutes. . . just so you can feel it again.  It feels like home.

So you surrender to it, accepting any consequences that come with feeling it.  It starts to fill you up.  You’re having to be very brave and open, even as you feel scared and want to tighten and close yourself up to protect yourself.  But as you pull off this little miracle and experience it for the first time in a long time, you remember it.  And you understand why it was necessary to push it away earlier in your life.

Every sense is so magnified and  intensely felt. . . that the smallest movement. . . the most subtle of gestures. . . . sends waves of sensations rippling through you and outward beyond the physical you.  If you move too fast or too strongly. . . your system and senses go into overload and everything “blanks” out or goes numb.

You remember that it’s not that you don’t feel anything. . . it’s that you feel so incredibly much, that you are regularly in overload. . . and have come to believe that *that* is how you are.  But it’s not true at all.

Your true way of being is such, that the smallest of things can bring you the most immense amount of pleasure and feeling.  But if you move too much, too fast, too strongly. . . you go into overload and are unable to feel anything.

But when you are in that space. . . you would be able to sit next to your beloved. . . in a still and quiet environment. . . within inches of each other and not touching.  And ever so slowly moving. . . as if neither of you are moving. . . towards each other.  All you intend, is to just kiss. . . to just simply touch lips.  That is all.  But from this still space where you are tuned into yourself and feeling every little thing. . . in those minutes that tick by as you both slowly lean and move towards each other. . . is the most intense and insane pleasure you have ever felt.  You feel like your nervous system almost can’t handle the energy surging through you.  You have no wish to rush it, because any sense of pushing, controlling, or rushing the movement. . . is to pull you completely out of the feeling and into numbness.  And you don’t ever, ever want to be out of that feeling.

So you discipline yourself.  You continue to stay open to it, while breathing very slowly and staying focused in that quiet space so as not to break the spell.  You trust that your partner is doing the same for themself, and by both doing so. . . you harmonize your energies and become in sync. . . so you’re able to fully trust and surrender to the experience.  You move into a space outside of time.  Have you been doing this for 5 minutes?  15 minutes?  An hour?  Eternity?  Who knows.  Who cares.  Because it’s all you care about in that moment.

As you get closer, you have to move even slower and become even more disciplined in your stillness and breathing because the intensity has become almost more than you can endure.  So the timelessness and heavenly bliss that is coursing through every inch of your being and beyond, continues as you both hover within a breath of each other’s lips. . . almost afraid that you won’t be able to handle what happens when you finally actually touch.  The energy and anticipation building.  Eyes closed so you can maintain focus, your lips finally touch . . . and you feel like your heart is about to explode out of your chest and like you’re going to start bawling and crying at the sheer beauty of the moment.    The beauty, intensity, transcendence of the feeling . . . is beyond anything you’ve ever experienced while in body.

And you know and remember, that *this* is your true way of being and feeling.

But then you step outside, and your senses are bombarded by the pollutions and noise. . . cars and airplanes sound like they’re within inches of you and screeching at top volume.  Even the sound of the electrical wires are buzzing too loudly.  Someone yells across to a neighbor down the road, and it feels like a metal rake being scraped down your skin.  Honking, clanging, yelling . . . everything feels like a personal assault on your person.

Your whole body tenses trying to protect you, as your nervous system goes into overload and suddenly you don’t feel anything.  You can’t feel the good anymore.  You feel cold and cutoff from yourself.  You feel irritable, frustrated, angry, confused.

Someone asks you what is wrong.  You want to tell them. . . but you communicate from that sensitive space. . . the one where you are connected into everything and sense every little subtle movement in energy and intuitively understand what is being communicated. . . and with your senses being assaulted and shut down. . . you are unable to voice what is going on within you.  You don’t know how to express the magnitude of what is happening inside of you.  There are no words to describe it.  So maybe you say something like, “I feel scared” or “I feel overwhelmed” or “I feel numb” . . . but all of those things are far from what is really going on.

And the person may respond, “Yeah, well we all feel that.” or   “You have to get over it.” or “You aren’t the only one.”

And not knowing, that the other person doesn’t experience or feel the world like you do, you take it out on yourself.   “Wow… I must really be a big baby.  What is wrong with me?  Why can’t I handle things like everyone else….”

This is how every single day of life has been for me.

I don’t speak in monotone because I’m not feeling things or because I’m robot like. . . but because I feel so IMMENSELY . . . the *only* way I know how to communicate without breaking down into a slobbery, snot everywhere, ugly crying face way. . . is to be very, very disciplined.  And this requires me to speak in a straight monotone way in order to keep it all under control.

I’m not stiff and rigid in my bearing because I’m an emotionless bitch, but because I have so MUCH that wants to burst out of me.  Dance, movement, swaying, hopping, skipping, swinging, twirling.  I’m sooooo not kidding when I say I wish real life was like a musical.  I feel like I could sing and dance to everything I do in life.

But do you know how *crazy* that looks?  I already feel like I’m on the outskirts of society. . . I haven’t quite been brave enough to jump head first off the last cliff that keeps me somewhere in the tolerable zone.

But I wanna.  I wanna dance and skip and sing out loud and out of tune.  I truly have a song constantly singing in my heart and it takes everything I have to not continually express that in my everyday life.  I don’t want to hide it anymore. . . but I don’t know *how* to be like that out in the world and my everyday life. . . and be able to withstand the rejection from others.  Because I can feel it.  I’m trying to be strong enough to do it anyways.

Because being me, how I am naturally. . . there’s nothing like it in the whole wide world.  It feels like I just won the lottery every minute of every day when I am able to be like this.  So I have high motivation.  But. . . my sensitive nervous system. . . arrrgghhhhhhh!!

Deep breath.

So. . . if you happen to see some silly woman on the street. . . swaying and dancing to a song that only she hears. . . try to find it in your heart to withhold judgment and maybe even smile at her, so she knows she is supported by at least one person.  And hell, if you’re feeling extra rebellious. . . join her for a moment in her dance.  And make it the new normal.

: D

Let Out The Flowy

As I uncover more of who I am, I am continually surprised at what I discover. Most recently, it has been about my expression.

I have been known to go into monotone dialogue. I can hold myself very stiff and straight. Everything about how I hold myself and the way I feel it in my body, is about restraint and control. And today, I asked myself. . . why?

I only knew how to answer it by suspending the control and seeing what happened. It was a warm, sunny day. . . so it made it easier for me to do this. I had a new song on that I was really enjoying.

I slowly and evenly relinquished the constraints I tie around my body each and every day. . . and I felt movement come into them. I felt oxygen and life begin to flow through me. I felt a smile appear on my face. I felt a dance move through my arms. I felt “I must move them”.

It felt like such a relief to let it happen. It felt like taking a big breathe of fresh air after nearly drowning. I began to feel all of my senses come to life and open up like airways. I heard my voice wishing to join the song.

I felt everything so magnified, so alive. This was one of those rare moments that I wasn’t cursing my sensitivity to loud sounds, strong smells, and my intense emotions. The beauty in the feeling of giving what welled up in me natural expression, felt like what I had been waiting to do for decades. To stretch my limbs, to let it come out how it wanted to.

I had a moment of thinking, “what if someone sees me doing this, looking like an idiot” and I quickly over rode it…because that’s exactly why I don’t ever do it. It never feels like it is the appropriate time to let it out. Not at work, not while out in public, not while in line at the grocery store, not while shopping at the mall, not while eating at a restaurant.

And then I knew. . . I knew why I talked in monotone. I knew why I held myself so straight and still… because I *always* feel movement in me. I always feel a dance, a song, a silly expression, a funny voice wanting to flow out of me. So, it comes from a lifetime of holding in my natural way of being.

Later this evening, on a walk to my car, I had my trusty ipod playing in my ears to block out the overstimulation to my senses of the world around me. And I felt that flowy feeling wanting to come out. It was dark by this time, and I thought, “Let’s practice making a fool out of ourselves.”

So, I let it go where it wanted to go. My left arm flowed out, like it wanted to be a ballerina. And I felt my spirit inside approve by rising. My hand wanted to do some little hand swirls and help my arm swing back in. I felt myself give in to this beautiful feeling of being freed at last. A confidence came into my stride. One that is of happiness, and not caring how ridiculous I was looking to anyone who might be watching.

It felt so natural to me, that I wondered how I could have ever…. ever… stopped being me. Then I tried to imagine busting out some moves in the middle of a meeting, and how humiliating it felt for anyone to ever catch me in these private moments. And then I thought how tired and uncomfortable (and exhausting) it feels to keep these expressions held in tightly. I have to make a choice. Is it more important to me to be all that I’m meant to be, or is it more important to me that I always look in control (straight, serious, stiff, tight. . . miserable)?

So. . . here’s hoping I find my inner Rawr to be the flowy, expressive, silly woman that I’ve been hiding inside all of this adult seriousness.