Here Comes Trouble

I had another interesting dream last night (awww Mercury in Pisces, I love you).

Within the dream, I watched as a group started to pack up a mobile museum into the back of a large pickup truck.  I don’t know whether it was the mascot or what, but there was a live horse that was a part of this group.  They had packed him into the back of the truck first . . . like he was one of the inanimate objects of the museum.

He was laying on his left side.  His legs folded up and against the side of the truck closest to me.  He had straps going across to secure him and keep him from moving around too much during the trip.  They were going to pack the rest of the things in around him.  Someone was giving him a food dish, and said that he’d also need water so he didn’t die.

During all of this, my dream became more lucid.  I didn’t understand what was going on, so I was just observing.  But something was pulling on my feelings about it.

I never stopped looking at the horse . . . he was an off white color.  I very slowly continued to approach the vehicle as I tried to understand what was bothering me.

He just laid there.  He had just let them arrange him however he needed to be without fight or struggle.

This wasn’t setting well with me.  But based on the situation and how everything appeared . . . how everyone acted . . . there was nothing wrong.  Everything was exactly right and proper.

But I had a distant memory nagging at me . . . “but where is his spirit?

I had this distant knowing or memory of horses not being like this.  That at one time horses were symbolic of being wild and running free.

Why was it going against what this reality was showing me?  Why did I keep getting glimmers of  a feeling like I wanted to cry?  Why did something not feel right about this?

I looked into the horse’s eye.  I felt a connection with the horse.  It pulled on something deep within me that I had forgotten.  The feeling of wanting to cry kept coming and going from me like breathing.

The deeper I went into the connection between me and the horse, the stronger the need to cry became.  The more a forgotten memory started to come back to me.  The more I started to become aware of something so incredibly painful inside of me that I had purposely forgotten in order to get relief from it.

But it was also something I desperately missed.  Within that pain was something that I missed with all of my heart.

His will . . . his will was broken.

My will . . . my own will was broken when I was younger.

When trying to domesticate a horse . . . they must be “broken”.  To break an animal or a person is to break their own personal will in order to do the will of another.

There’s refining someone’s will in order to fit into society and get along with others.  That’s the whole Aries –> Libra axis.  When we’re first born, we have raw personal will.  As we grow older, we learn how to refine it into something more polished and hopefully more beautiful . . . but the person should still retain something of themselves in that process.

They should still have their own personal will.  This is the energy or thing that motivates us.  It’s how we know what we want.  It’s how we go after or approach challenges.  Do we go after what we want . . . or do we let the forces around us decide for us what we’re going to do or not do?

The wilder something is . . . the harder it is to break.  There are some things that aren’t meant to be tamed or domesticated.  Being wild and free . . . is who they are.  To see them broken . . . like the horse I saw in the back of the truck . . . is almost too much for my heart to handle.

There are those who are so controlling and filled with ego, that they will go to any length to break a wild thing’s will.  To show dominance.  To have a trophy.  To feel good about themselves because they are so lacking in confidence and will themselves.

Sometimes they think it’s for the wild thing’s own good, either they break it or the world will do it.  It’s perceived as an act of love.

Let me break you . . . so that you won’t have to suffer the pain of the world breaking you.

What a tangled web human’s weave.

In my chart . . . I’m about as wild and untamed as they get.

I had such willfulness when I was younger.  To the point that I had no concept of asking for permission to do anything.  If I was playing with some toys in the house and suddenly had an image of the park flash into my mind . . . then I’d simply stand up and walk out the house and go to the park.

I can’t imagine how many heart attacks I gave my parents.  I knew what I knew, and I knew what I wanted.  What they wanted did not register into my awareness at all.  It didn’t even make sense to me.  What did my wants and needs have to do with them?

My dad is from the Appalachian mountains.  You don’t get away with shit when you’re from the Appalachian mountains.  You either do as you’re told by your parents, or your ass is grass.

My ass was frequently grass.

This comes from having to survive in very harsh conditions in the mountains.  My dad’s family is from Irish heritage.  The Irish weren’t really wanted over here.  So they were forced into the areas that nobody else was able to survive, and forced to find a way to survive.  And they did.

I come from strong stock.

But it also forced the families into living in constant survival mode.  This means everything is a life or death circumstance.  This means, when your parents tell you to go do something, you don’t sit there and whine and break down that you’re scared.  It means you suck it up and get your ass out there, or everyone may die.

So then the getting your ass whipped every time you disobey becomes understandable.  It’s to keep you from dying.  It *is* being done from a place of love.  The thing is, after a few generations . . . you no longer remember why it was done, only that it is.

So even though I didn’t grow up in those circumstances, I was raised as if I was.  But obviously, something needs to change.  This means that eventually in one of the generations, someone is going to be treated that way as a child . . . but they’re going to have to find the strength and will to overcome it and NOT break the will of their own children.

And that someone would need to have an enormous amount of will.

So . . . ta-da.

As my favorite shirt said when I was growing up, “Here comes trouble”.

All I know, is that my dad must’ve REALLY loved me.  Because that man did not back off or give up in trying to get me to understand the rules.  I would’ve been exhausted trying to raise me.

My mom’s family is more from a refined societal background.  I supposed considered more “civilized”.  But the dark side to Libra, or the sign of refined manners and all things beautiful and harmonious, is in becoming so passive that you basically check out of doing anything for yourself.

So my dad did severe disciplining, and my mom stood back and did nothing and just kind of checked out and became a victim.  Libra can also be kind of judgey.  Sit and judge the “animalstic” behavior of others, while not seeing their own part in what is playing out and not doing anything about it for themselves.

My dad always looked like the bad guy.  My mom always looked like a victim.  But if one had the ability to look at the energetic dynamics playing underneath the surface of what was being shown . . . and I did and I do . . . then you can see that my mom was equally at fault.

But our society is only interested in making judgments based on what can be seen and proven, and so until we get past such juvenile thinking . . . we will continue to have aggressors and victims and cannot progress past wars and people going hungry.

So I’m not interested in hearing that I was severely abused.  Maybe I was.  Maybe I wasn’t.  It doesn’t matter.  All I’m interested in, is stopping the bullshit from continuing past my generation.

However, I do need to recognize what happened when I was younger so that I can put myself back together and be an agent of true change in the world.

My will was broken when I was younger.  It was so severe, that I literally broke my lower back when I was around 6 or 7.

I was in Germany and sledding by myself.  The snow was so slick from all the people sledding earlier in the day, that my sled went way too fast.  In short I ended up face down in the middle of the road, paralyzed from the waist down.  And down the hill to my right was a big ass car coming, and they weren’t going to be able to see me in time.

So I closed my eyes and pulled on everything within me, and I willed myself to move.  I didn’t want to die SO BAD . . . that I literally willed my paralyzed self to move enough to get to the sidewalk.  I got out of the way in time, and the car stopped anyways to ask if I was okay.  I said I was fine.

I spent the next hours in excruciating pain crawling an inch at a time to get back to my building and up the stairs.  The whole time I was willing myself better.  By the time I got to my mom, who was thankfully at a neighbors on the first floor instead of our fourth floor, all I could manage to get out of my mouth was that I had a stomach ache.  I said I wanted to throw up.

So she gave me Pepto-Bismol and had me lay down.  That was the last I thought about my lower back, until years later as an adult, when I got a 360 degree x-ray at a chiropractor’s office and the guy’s eyes about fell out of his head.  He wanted to know when I had broken my back.  I looked, and yes . . . it was scary looking . . . but mostly because it wasn’t until then that I had understood fully what I had done all those years ago.

It had snapped, twisted a little and fused itself back together, causing a slight curve in my spine.

So will.  I haz it.  Or I did.

After that day . . . my will became less and less.  Because I was young I had a lot of energy still . . . but never quite the willfulness I had before.  I quit fighting things so much.  I quit wanting things my way.

I had been broken.  Literally.

I do believe that things happen how they’re meant to.  I needed to know life without my willfulness so that I did understand the Libra side of things.  And the only way that was going to happen, is if it was severe enough.

Once I had done what I needed to in that broken state . . . it was time for me to heal that break in me and come back to myself.

So while staring into the eyes of the horse . . . I began to remember a previous existence from when I was a younger girl.

A time when I had such spirit and a strong will to live.  A time when my spirit ran free and I believed I could do anything.

A time when I wasn’t afraid of being myself around others.

I’m returning to that part of me, but there’s a difference between now and then.

Back then, I didn’t know what it was that I had that the other’s around me lacked.  I didn’t know what set me apart from anyone else.  I didn’t know what to call the energy and joy and spunk that naturally came out of me.

But now I can see that it was will.  It was confidence.  It was an open-heartedness to life.  It was love.  It was joy and hope.  It was the essence of life itself.  A flame of life that lives within me.

After having gone without it for so long, I now know the value of what I hold inside of me.  I know how rare and precious it is in the current world, and it’s up to me to protect and guard it . . . to never let it go out in me again.

I am and have something of value.

When I’m respected and valued by others, I am more than happy to share all I have with others.

But try to take it from me by force, or keep it for your own, or treat me like I’m not worth your time . . .

Then Here Comes Trouble.

zebra kick to the face

Take Your Soul Back And Love Again

There exists a black smoke cloud entity invisible to the human eye.  It is able to move in and out of humans at will.  It has an intelligence.

We’re all aware of it at some level, but choose to repress it because it scares us.

It doesn’t have any actual power.  It doesn’t have any creative force or life giving energy of its own.  It’s able to mimic and learn, but not create something new all on its own.

However, it is able to convince you to use your creative energy to get done what it wants.  All it has to do, is play upon your weakness.  It finds your weakness and convinces you that your fears are real and true.  That’s all it needs to do.  That’s all it is able to do . . . is convince you that your fears are true.

Because as soon as a human believes something to be true . . . they use their own creative force and energy to bring it about.  And so it’s nearly as effective as the black smoke cloud entity having its own creative power.

I’m not using metaphors, btw.  This black smoke cloud entity is very real.  It is the actual source of fear.

It’s able to cloak itself . . . mimic you well enough . . . that it’s nearly impossible to distinguish it from your own thoughts.  It’s subtle enough to not set off any alarms that it’s coming from an outside source.

As long as you believe your fears to be true, you become trapped in a jail cell of your own making.  You get stuck in an energetic web of your own creative energy.

The greatest “power” this black smoke cloud entity has, is in its invisibility.  As long as nobody is aware of it, it is able to move through undetected wreaking havoc and maintaining control.

It especially targets those with lots of life force or creative energy.  The more life force, light, love, creative energy you have . . . the more the black smoke cloud entity wants you for its own purposes.

Some of the brightest beings currently here are paralyzed in fear due to this combination of incredible light and a lack of awareness of the black smoke cloud entity.

You can see where in your life this will show up the most in your natal chart, by looking for where Pluto is located and what he touches.  In those areas of your life, is where the black smoke cloud entity will show up the heaviest and therefore create a fear surrounding that area of your chart.

It can come through your loved ones, yourself, events and circumstances.  Anywhere the black smoke cloud entity can move and is allowed to influence, it can manipulate and use.

The black smoke cloud entity is not invincible, however.

It cannot control you once you become aware of it and refuse to play its game.  It will try to scare the living bejeezers out of you with what looks like very real threats . . . but it cannot actually harm you.

It cannot control you when you swallow your pride and take personal responsibility for yourself.  Even if you have a weak moment and it’s able to get through and start scaring you, take personal responsibility for moving back out of fear.  Take personal responsibility to gain strength and push yourself past the fear and out of the clutches of the black smoke cloud entity.

Belief and faith.  Believe in things really being beautiful and loving.  Have faith that the beautiful and loving things in life are real.  If you allow yourself to be a Pollyanna with your whole open heart despite the ugliness that appears to be happening on the outside of this world . . . the black smoke cloud entity loses its hold on you . . . it loses its power over you.

When you have the courage to believe in love and happiness, and to act as if it is true despite your fear . . . it loses its power over you.

When you refuse to believe the reality it would have you believe, it makes you stronger and the black smoke cloud entity weaker.

You can 100% guarantee that whatever it is you are afraid of, is the influence of this entity.  It’s the battle that wages on inside of all of us.  Who we are versus what this black smoke cloud entity wishes us to believe because while we do . . . it’s in control of this world.

When you stop believing that your fears are real . . . when you truly believe in your heart . . . then the black smoke cloud entity is forced to set you free.

Forgiveness.

When you can see that the fear and craziness erupting is more to do with this black smoke cloud entity flowing through the masses trying to snag any weaknesses of the heart and exploiting it to hurt the rest of us and weaken our own hearts . . . then you can start to feel more compassion and forgiveness for what we are all going through right now.

Not everything is as it seems.  Just because someone flies off the handle and kills people, doesn’t mean it was the person themselves.  Their only fault is having a moment of weakness in their faith of their heart.  That’s why it is not for us to judge others and condemn them, because we cannot see what battle they are fighting below the surface.

This unseen fight and battle that the black smoke cloud entity insists on being kept a secret . . . hidden.  He wants us to lash out on each other and accuse and blame each other . . . because it creates even more fear and isolation and division between us . . . and it strengthens the black smoke cloud entity.

Not coincidentally, today, transiting Uranus is in exact opposition to my natal Pluto which is conjunct my descendant.  Uranus is about breaking free.  It’s in the sign of Aries . . . the warrior . . . where my rising sign, Venus, Mars, and South Node all reside.  Aries also rules the head.

It’s my 1st house, house of self.  I’ve been facing this black smoke cloud entity head on my entire life.  I’m able to see it and be aware of it and call it out on its own shit.  It has gone through all of my loved ones in my life trying to get at me.

If they have any weakness, flaws, doubts, fears . . . this black smoke cloud entity jumps on it and wreaks havoc both for the individual I love, as well as for me.  This has been happening since the day I was born.

I have gone through periods in my life of being afraid to let anyone into my life, because I knew the black smoke cloud entity would start its shit.  Two different boyfriends actually woke up in the middle of the night, having a very literal black smoke fog over them and trying to choke the life out of them . . . using their fear of course.

It’s been a battle within me to keep my vision clear . . . to understand that it’s not the individual themselves that are hurting me, but this entity.  It’s been a battle within me to keep my vision of myself clear, and to not believe the things that others think and accuse me of based on their fears that are being played upon.  A battle within to keep my strength up even when others start associating the black smoke cloud entity with me . . . because it always seems to come around when they are around me, and start to fear me as if I’m the source.

And it’s been a battle within me to keep forgiving and remembering what is really going on . . . what the truth of the situation of the world is.  To keep persevering.  To not give up my belief in love and my heart.  To have faith that one day, this black smoke cloud entity will be unmasked and everyone will see for themselves the truth and what has been going on.

“Being alone . . . that’s your thing.”

That’s my weakness . . . my wound that is exploited by the black smoke cloud entity.  My pain and my wound of being alone and the fear of continuing to be alone.  That quote is what was said to me in a dream last fall.  The black smoke cloud entity has no mercy.  It has shredded that fear within me over and over.

In the last week, as the opposition between the current transiting Uranus and my natal Pluto has been getting closer, the black smoke cloud entity has been working overtime.

In one dream that became lucid, a dark black shadow being was right on me.  I could feel it with my physical body in my bedroom.  Trying to scare and intimidate me.  It unnerved me a hair . . . but this has been a really long and intense battle between us . . . and I’m really tired of its shit.

And then one morning as I was waking up I got very clearly the message, “You’re a smart girl, back off.”

It was very distinctly a warning.  One that I just couldn’t seem to get rattled about.  There’s a point where you just don’t care anymore.  I’m tired of fighting.  Threaten and scream all you want, but when you’re just bone-soul weary . . . it’s like, “Oh yeah?  Well, fuck you.”

fuck shit up

Little Girl Giggling

Do you know what felt really good about doing yesterday’s post?

I got to express my feelings.  MY feelings.  My only thought when writing yesterday was, “What do I feel inside my heart?”  I wasn’t thinking about how it might make someone else feel.  I wasn’t thinking about what others might think of me.  I wasn’t trying to curb or hide my feelings so that others didn’t become concerned about my state of mind.  I simply expressed my very own feelings that I get to have and feel and hug.

Mine, mine, mine.

It feels really good to get to have and express feelings without judging them.  Without having to act on them.  Without having to defend or explain them.  Without worrying about someone else trying to take responsibility for them, or fix them, or try and tell me why I should or shouldn’t be feeling them.  {Big sigh of relief.}

They weren’t based on trying to skirt psychological criteria for various mental disorders in an attempt to not look psycho, crazy, or like I’m having a breakdown.  They weren’t based on an agenda or ulterior motives.  They weren’t any kind of attempt to make a point or model anything.  There was no focus on consequences, potential outcomes, or effects of my words.

They were purely and simply the feelings I was feeling in my heart.

Here’s the post btw, if you’re interested:  What Is In My Heart

It was freeing.  Moon in Sagittarius –> A need to feel free to feel what I feel.

Do you know what kind of sucked about yesterday’s post?

The absolute silence surrounding it.

Nobody was going to touch that post with a ten foot pole, fluff you very much.

I swear to god I could almost hear everyone stop breathing at once, and very carefully try to tip toe away without being noticed . . . that’s how bad the silence was.

I don’t even understand it, I never have.  This is quite common for me, btw.  I open and share my heart, and people scatter like cockroaches do when a light gets switched on.  While in the past it has led me to doubt my own feelings or wonder if something is wrong with me . . . anymore I’m very sure about what I feel deep inside me and I know there’s nothing wrong with it.

I can’t help but get the feeling that others are more focused on what I’m expecting in response from them, then they are about what it is they feel themselves.  Almost like people assume or think that I’m looking for comfort, help, love, advice . . . as if I’m something that is broken or in need of fixing.

Except . . . I’m not.  Unless I’m specifically asking for help or advice, that is not my reason for sharing things.  I just need to feel what I’m feeling, and I also have a need to share what those feelings are.  I don’t need help or advice because in the act of feeling and sharing what I do, it clears the situation for me and then I know exactly what I need to do.

What would be AWESOME, although I’m certainly not going to force anyone, would be if others would share what THEY are feeling inside.  I don’t need to know what you think or feel about what I wrote . . . what did it evoke and make YOU feel?  It doesn’t even have to be related.  If, while reading my post, it evoked an emotion or memory of your own and it doesn’t even seem related . . . share that!

When you truly share what you’re feeling without trying to explain it, or feel sorry for it, defend it, etc. . . . it feels magnificent!  It feels like a huge weight is taken off of you.

I don’t WANT people to praise or pay credence to my awesomeness (unless they truly feel it and that’s what they want to do).  What I want is for people to be able to feel and own their very own feelings.  Don’t make it about me or others.  Make it about you.  Relish in your feelings!  Roll around in them like a pig in manure.  Don’t judge them or try to see them as good or bad or try to see the other side or feel you have to justify them.

Just FEEL what you truly feel inside!

Feeling what you feel inside means focusing on just your feelings unattached to what anyone else thinks or feels.

With my Gemini Sun/Jupiter conjunction, I’m very mercurial in nature.  What I feel will change from minute to minute.  It’s where I shine.  With those two things in opposition to my Neptune/Moon conjunction in Sagittarius (a link to my natal chart here if you’re an astrologer and interested:  astrology) my feelings are all over the place.  That is both where I am at home and where I shine.  I must be allowed to feel whatever I’m feeling without it being a huge fluffing deal, or I will suffer greatly in health.

They flow through me.  They come and go.  While they are there . . . I express them . . . when it’s time for them to leave, I let them go.  This is as natural to me as breathing . . . and yet on paper it looks like I’m a mental bi-polar case.  That’s not seeing me for who I am . . . that’s being afraid of who I am and trying to control it or change it.  Just because it makes others uncomfortable (especially Capricorn energy), doesn’t mean it’s bad or wrong or needs to be repressed or changed.  That’s a limited and narrow way of viewing life.

Mercury is the trickster.  Anyone with Gemini or Virgo energy has this kind of nature in them, and I’m sure struggle in a similar way as I do.  Mercury is the understanding that nothing is permanent, and also that nothing should be taken so seriously.  This is in direct conflict with Pluto/Scorpio/8th house, where everything is deadly serious.  Everything is dead still.  What something is for one moment, is that way F O R E V E R !!!!!!!!

Mercury is all . . . “No.”

Gemini is about laughing at ourselves and not taking ourselves so seriously.  It’s about seeing paradoxes and contradictions in all of life.  Libra focuses more on moderation and balance between duality . . . Gemini is able to fly through, around, and between them like a master gymnast and is very comfortable there.  Like kids.  Kids are very Gemini in nature . . . very curious, very in wonder and in awe of the simplest things around them because it’s all new.

Kids say the darndest things . . . because they’re said in innocence.  They aren’t in a dark serious adult mood . . . they’re just saying what they’re actually seeing or observing in the environment around them.  “Why? Why? Why? But how come?” is Gemini.  The only absolute in the world of Gemini is that there are no absolutes.  If you try to pin them to any one thing or say, “but you said this and now you said this”, you will get nowhere with them.  Their response is most likely to be, “but in that moment I was feeling this and in this moment I’m feeling this . . . they are two different situations.”

It’s about being in the moment and being flexible.  It’s a constant state of opening to receive the moment . . . experience that moment (observe, watch, learn all you can about it while it’s there) . . . and then releasing that moment because you need to be open to receive the next moment coming in.  It is entirely possible to live in this way . . . in a conscious way . . . and have everything work out like magic without worrying or forcing things to be a certain way.  But it makes those who aren’t comfortable with this way of living . . . very, very, nervous.  And their nervousness about the Gemini’s way of being . . . makes Gemini feel very nervous about themselves.

So for me, this is all about getting to my true feelings (Sagittarius moon) and sharing with others (Gemini Sun).  If I have any intent, it’s in others sharing their true feelings (or even trying it out for the first time) and also sharing it with others (or trying it out for the first time).  Not about judging or psychoanalyzing (Pluto in Libra . . . conjunct my descendant) or even trying to help others with their feelings.  The point is just to even be aware of our OWN feelings and getting comfortable in sharing them despite other’s judgment and projections and analyzing.

I’ve done those things to others in the past . . . why? Well, because others were always doing it to me when I was younger.  I was just trying to be silly, playful, mimicking Gemini . . . but holy hell were the things I did taken so seriously and taken so completely out of context.  What I did wasn’t seen in innocence, but always as if I were some guilty master mind manipulator.  So I thought everything was much more serious than it really was, and that my feelings weren’t as innocent as I really felt inside . . . and it led to me disconnecting from my true self.

Well I’m reconnecting.  I’m going to feel what I feel and I’m going to share what I feel, even though it goes against everything we’ve been led to believe as a culture and society.  Even if I’m the only one who believes in my innocence and my mental stability.  Even if I’m left alone in my open heart sharing (which does hurt my feelers, btw) because nobody else is brave enough to do the same.

I hate being left alone.  But at least when I’m being true to myself and being who I am in all of my mercurial, open-hearted, silly, paradoxical ways . . . I’m truly happy and joyful in life.  Which is a lot more than I can say for the majority of humanity.

Here’s the way to read my posts whenever you start taking what I’m saying WAY too Life/Death serious . . . pretend there is a little girl hiding in plain sight (such as behind a sheer curtain with her legs poking out) . . . with her hands covering her mouth trying to stifle her giggles because she thinks she’s being way more clever than she is, but is having fun regardless.

That’s all that needs to be understood about me . . . I’m a silly . . . mischievous . . . giggling little girl at heart.

What Scorpio thinks of Gemini's flexible reality.

What Scorpio thinks of Gemini’s flexible reality.

“I’m Not Featured On Freshly Pressed” Award

im-not-featured

I have been nominated for the “I’m Not Featured On Freshly Pressed” award by Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed (yay!).

I’m still brand spanking new to the whole blog awards thing, so it still takes me a little bit of time to calm myself down and get back to normal breathing.  Having said that, I really don’t think that it’s something that I’m ever going to get used to because of how much it means to me.

Everyone has their reasons for blogging.  Some want to help educate others, some are a form of self-therapy, some to be a resource, some to promote a business, some are about their hobby, etc.  Each reason is just as valid as another.

I have various reasons that I blog.  I have a deep need to share the things I learn with others.  But the blog itself, is the culmination of many years of hard work in overcoming my fears of self expression and being noticed.  And when I say fears, I mean TERROR.

Once upon a time, when I would attempt to creatively express my thoughts, I would just go mute.  My throat constricted and I wasn’t able to even attempt to speak.  It didn’t matter if I was trying to verbally speak, or even trying to write in a journal while I was alone . . . the ability to communicate my personal feelings or thoughts was just not possible.  I would instead just talk about things that were trivial, or I would focus on the other person in the hopes that the conversation didn’t turn to me.  If it did, I would either go into the deer in headlights look O.O . . . or talk around it until the person was distracted away from me.

I spent the first 3 decades of my life mastering the art of invisibility.  “Please don’t see me.”  If attention in any form were to be directed at me, my mind would go blank and my face would turn scarlet red.  Meetings at work were the worst.  During the most intense of those moments, I mostly focused on trying not to puke or faint in front of everyone.  Later, once I was alone, tears were sure to follow.

The journey to here, to where I now blab my ever loving head off to anyone who happens to find their way into my little spot on the internet, has been years and years of persistent pushing and healing of myself.  And the blog awards are a double-edged sword to me.  So would I *like* to be on WordPress’ Freshly Pressed?  On the one hand, it would be a hallmark in my journey of self healing.  Saying to me, “Look me!  Look how far we’ve come!”  (<– I used to be concerned that I sometimes refer to myself in the plural.  But I figure, hey . . . at least I’m not alone.)  On the other hand, that level of attention (assuming it brought the level I’ve seen on other blogs) would probably require that I breathe into a brown paper bag for at least a week to keep from moving into full blown panic.

But I think that would actually ultimately be beneficial in my journey.  And so yes.  Yes, I would like to be Freshly Pressed.  And I’m not ashamed to admit it.  (<– that’s a total lie.)

So thank you so much, Kim Saeed, for this nomination and for inadvertently being a part of my journey of self healing.  The nomination both scares the poop out of me, as well as makes me cry . . . and motivating me to keep pushing forward.  I appreciate you thinking of my blog when you were choosing people to nominate.  That makes me feel pretty special to be *seen* by you.  😀

As for my nominations, here they are:

Rules for Nominees:

1. Select the blog(s) you think deserve the “The I’m NOT Featured On Freshly Pressed Award”.

2. Write a blog post and tell us the blog(s) you have chosen- there are no minimum or maximum number of blogs required- and ‘present’ the blog(s) with their award.

3. Include in your blog post a paragraph about why you’d like to be on WordPress’ Freshly Pressed OR a paragraph on why you couldn’t care less about Freshly Pressed. Up to you

4. Let the blog(s) that you have chosen know that you have given them this award and share the instructions with them- (please don’t alter the instructions or the badge!)

5. Come over and say hello to the originator of the “The I’m NOT Featured On Freshly Pressed Award” via this link:http://DonCharisma.org/2014/01/01/the-im-not-featured-on-freshly-pressed-award

6. And as a winner of the award- please add a link back to the blog that presented you with this award, and then PROUDLY display the award on your blog.

7. If you ever do get officially “Freshly Pressed” then take down this award badge and display the official “Freshly Pressed” badge instead.

Remembering My Will To Live

Do you know what I remembered about myself today?  The only time I get angry . . . and I mean like Wrath of Jenn kind of angry . . . is when a true injustice is happening and needs to be set right.

You know what else I realized about myself?  I *don’t* believe that the actions of a person necessarily say what kind of person someone is.  People often say, “Actions speak louder than words.”  Well . . . okay.  But does that make them more accurate than words?  Is it not possible that the same thing that fuels a person’s words can also fuel their actions . . . and both be just as wrong or right?

I understand what is meant by the quote.  That there is talking about something, and then there’s actually doing something about it.  But some people are meant to use their words . . . and some are meant to take action.  Not everyone is meant to do both.  But that’s getting off track.  I was simply wanting to point out that I see flaws in this quote, so since I’m going to tear it apart anyways . . .

It’s easy to make a swift judgment about someone based on their words or their actions without bothering to even understand their motive or what drives them.  That’s the lazy way.  Or.  That’s the fearful way.

I’ve been watching a Korean drama series called “The Great Queen Seon Deok” on Netflix.  And as often happens in my world, the things I happen to be watching or reading at any point in my life, have circumstances play out that ends up having the characters talking about exactly the things that have been on my mind for that day or even the hour before.

Yesterday, I was wondering what had happened to my will.  Why has my will and confidence waned in the last year?  How do I get it back?  I have loads of Aries Fire . . . will, initiative, drive, fight . . . so where is it?  And why can’t I even seem to get myself into an anger fit over having lost it?  I actually miss getting angry.  I miss caring about something so much that I’m willing to go to battle over it.

The conversations between the characters last night touched on this subject.  The “evil” woman-in-charge in the show (who eventually the Great Queen opposes), said that there are two things we can do when we become afraid.  We can run.  Or we can get angry.  (And then me being a back seat driver said, “Or you can freeze.”)

But this supposed evil woman (who really has quite a bit of wisdom, even if misguided) really got me thinking.  She basically had said “fight or flight” . . . the survival instinct . . . Aries.  But because she had worded it differently (or the translator did . . . unsung heroes), it helped me see outside of my box.

Later in the episode, it showed an action the evil woman had taken to get her way.  The villagers were running away in fear . . . victims . . . helpless.  Even the royalty were bending over and taking it.  But then this one dude in the Princess’s guards lost it when his parents were like . . . “maybe we should have you marry into her family (evil woman – not princess) in order to keep our clan safe for future generations.”  The dude was like “What?  WHAT?!”  And then his mom was like don’t lose your cool, don’t act irrationally, etc.

Then the guy earned my respect when he DID become calm . . . but also very focused . . . and VERY sure about himself.  He was *confidence* and *calm* incarnate.  He said, “No.  No.  FIRST (said every Aries ever) you get angry.  FIRST you let yourself feel the anger of what is happening.”

I think it was at this point I started crying.

He wasn’t going off like a berserker and mindlessly going on a killing spree.  He was using his anger in the way it was intended to be used.  To change how things are.  Anger is an energy that is needed in order to take action to do something that needs to be done.  But I feel like there’s this assumption that anger means we go to war.  Yes, if you lose your goddamn head (Aries) you can find yourself writing checks your ass can’t cash and end up in costly wars.  But temper (Libra) and discipline that Aries energy . . . and you have someone who is going to make change happen that is long overdue.

The dude (who shall be referred to for the rest of my post as “my hero”) went to the princess and the “secret” princess pretending to be a man in the guard, and was all “Seriously?  Seriously?  Don’t tell me that you’re sitting there in fear.  Because if you’re sitting there wimping out in defeat, I’m outta here.”  And then you saw the secret princess pause . . . and then something lit up in her eyes.  And I started cheering at the TV.

I KNOW that look.  That is the look of determination.  That is the look of, “oh HELL no you did not just mess with my peeps.”

All it takes is that one person . . . that ONE person (Aries) . . . to spark that fire in others.  That’s exactly what Aries is . . . the spark of life.  Of the three fires in the zodiac (fire is inspiration), Aries is the spark that initiates life.  It’s the moment we are born.  The moment new ideas are born.  (Leo & Sagittarius are the other fires).  It’s the crossover from the divine (pisces) into life (aries).  Aries is the start of spring.  New life.

Aries/Mars is also the will to live.  Your will to live.  Your reason for living.

I have a LOT of this in me.  But when you have lots of something, you can take it for granted . . . not understand what you have that others are missing.  I have experienced the last year, what it feels like to have it go missing.  And o . m . g . you guys.  It sucks.  It sucks ass.  It sucks ass bad.

I have always struggled with my temper and my anger.  I don’t want people to be scared of me.  I don’t want to scare people.  I want to help and protect them.  But my temper and anger is often misunderstood.  I’ve worked so hard to  . . . well I guess honestly to overcome it . . . to try and transcend my anger.  For some reason I took my anger (which is the same energy as my will, confidence, passion) to be something bad or wrong with me.  A civilized person doesn’t get angry.

And that’s exactly what all these royal “people in charge” were trying to tell my hero.  That the way he was feeling was wrong.  And he was all, “Nope.”  {swoon}

Aries are also the leaders in life.  They’re the ones who are willing to stand alone in what they believe, and say, “This is not right.  This is not okay.  I cannot stand by and continue to go along with this.  I need to take action.”  Anger . . . serves . . . a VERY important purpose.  And if our response is ALWAYS to repress it in the name of being “civil” or even “sacrifice” (here, marry our enemy) . . . we will as a whole, lose our will.

We will lose our will to live.  We will lose our fight . . . our spirit.  We will lose all of the fuel needed in order to make true change happen in our times of need.  You aren’t being civilized just because you aren’t raising your voice.  You aren’t being a good person just because you are being passive.

And I LOVED my hero’s point.  He wasn’t saying to throw diplomacy out the window.  He wasn’t saying that you don’t sit and think things through.  He was saying FIRST . . . you let yourself feel your anger so that you have clarity and understanding about what is really happening.  That is the epitome of Aries . . . and my Aries Mars and Venus were crying, cheering . . . feeling validated for probably the first time ever.  That it’s okay.  It’s okay that I am that way.  It serves a purpose . . . there is a use for it in our lives.  It is not something that fell away with the days that we were “barbarians”.

How do you know how you feel about something really, if you don’t let the initial emotion that comes through . . . come through.  My Aries outbursts are immediate . . . and then gone.  I mean gone gone.  I don’t hold grudges.  I erupt with the initial feeling at a situation . . . that tells me without filtering or rationalizing, what I REALLY feel about something.  Then it’s gone . . . but then I’m left feeling very clear about what it is I need to do.  It’s like a super power.  My level of awareness and focus goes into supernova and I know exactly what.the.fuck. needs to happen.  And it does happen.  It will happen.

An immature Aries person might do it without thinking and hurt and run over people.  But I’ve been disciplining the hell out of my Aries, and I’m fully aware and present when I’m in that state.  I am able to continue to stay aware of what I’m doing, even as I’m managing and putting out 10,000 fires.  This is what my anger, my temper, my Aries does for me.  It’s what makes me a superhero in my own story of life.

When I try to hide it, or suppress it so that I don’t intimidate or scare others, or because of other’s judgment of what they think it is . . . I lose a very, very important part of who I am.  Without my fight and passion . . . I am not me.  Without my heart and love for those in my world . . . I am nothing.  I become nothing.  I accomplish nothing.  I lose my will.  I lose my fire.

My actions become ones from a place of fear.  I buckle under pressure.  I lose my voice.  I become afraid of taking any risks or any chances.  I become a victim of life.  I do what I’m told without argument.  (<— that’s an action)  I do all kinds of things I don’t agree with because I have no fight or strength to do otherwise.  (<— that’s an action)  I only do bare minimum to get by or survive (<— that’s an action)  But . . . those things are not me.  That’s a broken Jenn.  That’s not a Jenn on Fire.

There was a quote in a recent post of mine that said that with my North Node Libra, I would find in me a great ability to give will to others where there was none before.  And when reading that, it had made me cry.  I didn’t know why it touched me.  But after feeling so worthless and “wrong” and bad my whole life because of my passion and will . . . and then seeing that there is a need and a purpose for that very thing in me . . . I feel validated in life and for my existence in the highest degree.  That it’s because of those very things in me that have been feared, shamed, repressed . . . that make me such a valuable and needed person in the world.

It’s like having wandered the wilderness alone my whole life, wishing for any sign of a friendly face or a kind word . . . and having only ever met hungry wolves.  And then one day, wandering into a huge protected community full of people who have been waiting for me with open arms in order to fill me up with all the love care a person could ever want . . . just because I was me.  Just because I existed.  That that was all that was ever being asked of me in the first place.

Gomer Pyle

It’s Going To Be Okay

There’s a lot going on in the world at the moment.  There’s a lot going on in individuals at the moment.

There’s been a sharp increase in the last few weeks of people experiencing their first anxiety attacks.  During this same time period there has been a sharp increase in people having vivid/lucid dreams . . . who normally never remember their dreams at all.

Many of the dreams point towards an event that is coming.

The discussions surrounding the event are typically met with disbelief, fear, relief (bring it!), or an onslaught of bible verses.

I have had lucid dreams pointing towards this time my entire life.  I have also had a lifelong issue with generalized anxiety.  Maybe there’s a correlation.  : )

To those who are experiencing these things for the first time, please know that you’re not alone.  And please know, that it’s going to be okay.

Please know that there are many of us surrounding you in your everyday lives, who have been going through this for some time . . . and we know how to help during this difficult time.

First and foremost . . . b r e a t h e.

When you feel like things are beginning to overwhelm you . . . stop whatever you’re doing . . . close your eyes . . . let everything go . . .  and slow yourself down enough to be able to take at least one full breath all of the way in as deep as you need to in order to feel like it was a deeply satisfying breath.

It may take a few times, but keep trying and slowing down your internal rhythm until you get that one breath in.

Secondly, don’t be afraid to open up to others and talk about what’s bothering you.  You may be surprised to find that others are having the same concerns and fears, and feeling alone in it too.  Anxiety is heightened when you feel alone in your situation.

To those who have already been dealing with these feelings for years . . . I kindly request that you start letting yourselves be known so that others know where to turn for guidance.  This is the time, and this was the reason for you going through all you did ahead of time.  You are greatly needed right now.

Remember how scared you were . . . confused . . . lost . . . alone.  And have mercy on those starting to experience these things.  Be present with them and their fear.  See them.  Let them know it’s okay.  Hug them.

There is one thing I know and see with all of my heart.  And that is, when the moment of truth comes, and we’re all faced with our physical mortality . . . is when we will all truly show ourselves and see each other for the first time.  We will understand and know within our whole being at a depth previously unimagined, how much we truly love each other.  How much we truly love everyone.  How much everyone truly loves us.

And it’s going to be okay.

Warm Colored Sky

We Are Each A Blazing Light of Glory

I had the most unusual dream last night.  At first I wasn’t sure what the dream was referencing, but the more I wrote and talked it out. . . the more I realized it was a memory from shortly before I was born here.  I feel the weird, almost disorienting, feeling of having regained a long lost memory.

I was wandering around a place.  This place had lots of food.  There was a whole section just for meat . . . in clear packaging.  As I wandered through that particular open room, I was thinking of how there was plenty of food for everyone.  This food thing was a little strange, but it was nice to know that there was plenty of everything for everyone.  It was interesting to me though, because the whole idea of needing to have something outside of me in order to sustain myself was a little foreign to me.  Even trying to pretend like I needed food was an exercise in imagination.

I wondered what it was going to feel like, when we all were going to feel like there maybe isn’t enough for everyone.  I saw flashes of images of Earth, in Africa, where people were lacking this substance.  What did that feel like?  It’s hard to imagine in a place where there’s more than enough, and when it’s not *really* necessary.  If I just connected directly into *source*, I was completely nourished.

But that’s not what the point of this place was.  Although I still wasn’t incarnated yet, I was already away from home and everything I knew.  I seemed to be the only one of my kind in this place at this time.  I had a group that I had been hanging out with and had been bonding with since we had arrived there, but it feels like it does when you go to summer camp and bond with people. . . you’re still out there on your own and making the best of the situation.

Everyone else there felt like strangers to me.  I didn’t know anyone there really.  I kind of got the feeling that there were a lot of us there like that.  Like each species or world or group had sent representatives. . . and here we were.  This place we were at, was like a substation.  We were acclimating to the frequency and vibrations that were much different and denser than what we were used to.  All of the “food” there was to help us to adjust to the idea of needing to eat, as well as helping us become denser.

I felt rumors or whispers filtering through the halls.  It wasn’t that people were actually talking, it was in the air, and I was able to pick it up.  What I heard snapped me out of my thoughts about the food situation.

“What do you mean we forget?”

I started feeling a pull towards a location.  It felt like a magnet was pulling on me.  Everyone that had been at this substation with me, was also feeling the pull and moving towards a single location.  I found my group I had been bonding with.  They were walking ahead of me, and they seemed taller than me.  I was communicating to them as we followed the pull, saying “Did you hear that we forget?  We’re going to forget?”  I felt mostly curious about it, but something else was creeping into me.

I heard my group kind of murmur and pass the information between them, but nothing more was really said because we were suddenly boarding this train-like vehicle.  I had wanted to sit with my group, but the pull was so strong on everybody, that the seats all around my group were already filled up.  I went further down the train, and almost had a seat. . . but it filled before I actually could get in it.  I was sure I was meant to have a seat, so I just kept moving down until I found one that I got into.

I remember sitting in a seat that reminds me of those booster seats you use for toddlers so that they can reach the table.  Except it was kind of up in the air, so I just kind of leaned into it from a standing position.  I remember the strange thinnish “seatbelts” that you clicked in place over your lap.  I was now staring straight ahead.

I was sitting in-between two people I didn’t know.  I couldn’t stop pondering the implications of what I had just found out.

I’m going to forget.

When we get there, I’m not even going to know that I don’t know these two people next to me.  I’m not going to remember that I got sat far away from my own group.  I’m going to forget that I was even here.  It’s going to be like none of this happened at all.

This felt like new or surprising information to me.  I was wondering how I was supposed to do what I was coming to Earth to do, if I was going to forget who I was.  And why did I find out moments before it was time to come into the Earth realm?  I knew it was on purpose and that everything was setup exactly as it was meant to be. . . but what did this mean?  As I centered myself for my descent into this world, a sadness was starting to creep into me.

My curiosity and need to know and understand things, didn’t know what to expect with this sudden turn of events.  Forgetting, to me, feels like a fate worse than death.  I’m pretty sure it is, as far as the immortal soul is concerned.  I trusted that we all knew what we were doing. . . but I was also feeling a little scared at forgetting my existence prior to my birth.  But the adventurer in me, was open to the new experiences this would bring me.

So I let go, and gave in to the pull that was bringing in the latest group of brave souls coming into Earth as representatives of far larger groups of beings from all over the universe.  There was a call for help, and we had been called back into service.  This wasn’t a joy ride for us, this was a pull from our heart to serve those in great need on Earth at this time.

There was a limited amount of space open (bodies in which we were able to incarnate into) and the response to the call was so great, that each group was limited to the number of representatives that they could send.  However, each group’s unique energies and strengths are desperately needed, which means every single person matters a great deal and carries a large burden of responsibility.

Each of us matter.  And we are not alone.  We carry the hope, love, and wisdom from those all over the universe who came in response to Earth’s call for help.  And they have been watching over us all along, making sure that we’re okay. . . especially when we’re suffering.

If you are here at this time. . . you are brave beyond comprehension.  You love with a heart unmatched.  Just being here is itself an act of unconditional love.  You were thought of highly enough, that you were chosen out of trillions. . . to come be here at this time.  Here, you may feel like you’re just one of 7 billion lost souls. . . but from the perspective of the universe. . . you are the Elite.  The best of the best.  The most loving of the loved.  You are a brilliant, blazing, supernova of light.  A fiery golden light of glory.

But you just forgot.

Feeling Like a Cat On a Leash

I’ve recently started taking my girl kitty, Raven, out on a leash.  As of June 04, she will be six years old and has been a strictly indoors cat (not including the times she ran out the door and got herself lost in the local neighborhood and caused me to cry so hard I nearly vomited).  While there is also a boy kitty in the house, Gir (pronounced GRRRR), he wants nothing to do with this crazy foolishness of willingly leaving a warm, cozy home with food, toys, and humans who cater to his every whim.

So what new level of crazy possessed me to try and take a cat out on a leash?  (I’ll wait for you to finish laughing first. . . )

Back in April, when me and my son went to go see Jay in The Netherlands, I took the cats to a cat sitter.  It’s a special place set up just for cats.  A cat motel, if you will.  This place also had a cat proof outside play area for them to go out if they wished.  So, long story short, Raven got a taste of the outdoors, and now she pines for the outside.

Problem is, as soon as she steps outside, she becomes freaked out and disoriented.  She’s an indoor cat, with an outdoor cat stuck inside of her.  She doesn’t understand it, all she knows is that she wants it with every fiber of her body.  Even though it scares the living shit out of her.

I happened to have a cat harness and leash because when I got them as kittens, I was delusional in thinking that was going to happen.  After finding it,  I got down on the ground with Raven and explained to her, that if she wanted a chance at going outside, she was going to have to suffer this harness.  And I’ll be damned if she didn’t stand there and let me put it on her.

This from a cat, who as a kitten weighing less than a pound, was able to wrestle her way out of getting her temperature taken.  Even while in a towel taco.  And two of us holding her.

So there she was, with a cat harness and leash standing at the front door looking hopeful at the door handle, and me standing there not knowing if I wanted to laugh or cry.  I have cats for a reason.  Namely, because they don’t need to be walked.  I’m lazy like that.

So fine.  I sucked it up and opened the front door.  But she’s doing this weird thing, where she lowers all of the way down on her haunches and belly to the ground.  Cats hate anything restricting their movement, so they get all weird about it and basically lay down.  As one owner put it, “it’s not taking them out for a walk, so much as taking them out for a drag”.  Ah, yes.  Now, I remembered why this didn’t work before.

At this point I’m standing there with my hand over my face and shaking my head.  What am I doing to myself?  This is so ridiculous.

But she must have seen a bird or smelled something good, because instinct or not. . . she was finding a way to make her way to the stairwell.  She looked like a miniature version of the cartoon pink panther as she slinked along the ground being all sneaky sneaky.  This was one determined cat.  Nothing, but nothing . . . was going to stop her from her dream.

Because I wasn’t going to watch her suffer down 3 flights of stairs, I picked her up and walked her down.  I got her to a grassy area free of any dogs, and let her have her moment.  I stood there patiently and gave her encouragement.  Since I was in broad daylight and visible to my neighbors, I figured I was in it for the long haul and just gave in to the crazy.

She was shaking like a leaf, just like she normally does when she’s outside.  But her determination was shining through.  She low crawled in a hurry to a place that was less open.  I kept talking to her gently that she was okay and that she just needed to get used to being outside and on a leash and that she was doing great.  Slowly but surely, she calmed down enough to explore and sniff a few things.  After about 15 minutes, she gave me a mew that sounded like, “I’ve reached my limit for now, please take me back inside.”

After we got back inside and I took off the harness, I let her know that she did wonderful for her first try.  Once free, she seemed awfully damn proud of herself.  She went prancing around the house like she was just given an award for kitty of the year.  Gir was pretty disgusted with her behavior and the attention she was getting from me.  Within an hour, she was meowling at the door to go back out.  I had created a monster.

I took her out again the next day and she adjusted more to walking with a harness.  By the 3rd day, we actually walked a full block with her pattering along side me like a happy puppy.

In the following walks, she met and greeted a puppy with no incident.  She learned to not scatter and run for the bushes every time a car passed.  She decided that she preferred the sidewalk to the grass and mud that got her paws dirty (maybe I influenced that, maybe I didn’t).

We were laughed at several times, and greeted with smiles and friendly chatter by others.  In a neighborhood full of dog owners, we were quite an odd sight to behold.

She would still shake like a leaf, and she would still hit a wall where she had hit her limit and would stop and give me the “please take me home” mew.  But she had done it.  She overcame her disorienting fear with determination and a need to do this thing that she wanted so badly.

I helped her, because I was familiar with her situation.  I have an outdoor cat stuck inside me too.  I wish to explore the neighborhood known as the world and satisfy my many curiosities.  I want to run free and frolic.  I know there are adventures to be had and things to chase and food to nom.  Trouble is, I’ve been an indoor cat my whole life. . . and getting into the wide open space scares the living shit out of me.

But I do it anyways.  One low belly crawl step at a time.

Greatest.Mother’s Day.Gift.Ever.

I’m currently in the middle of a heart swelling, this is what makes it all worth it, moment.  My son, who will be 18 this year, has just totally blown my mind.  He has had a rough last couple of weeks, stuff just blowing up around him with his friends and his girlfriend.  But watching how he has been dealing with it, has been nothing less than beautiful.  That’s not to mean that he didn’t have emotional blow ups with them, or that he hasn’t gone through a good case of the grumps.  But the overall process and grace of how he has consciously chosen to deal with it. . . is breathtaking to behold.

He didn’t harden up, he didn’t shut himself down, he didn’t close his mind and his heart even though that would have been much more preferable than dealing with the extremely uncomfortable feelings all of this was having on him.  I’m sure he had moments where he *did* do those things. . . but one of the amazing things is that he didn’t stay in those places.

He took a very real, honest look at the situations that were happening around him, including his part in them.  He humbled himself.  I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a teenage boy genuinely humble himself, but it’s nothing less than shocking and heart swelling.

Yesterday, being Mother’s Day, he was making a huge attempt to be thoughtful of me.  I loved his effort.  This, on top of what he has been dealing with in his own life personally.  So during a conversation, he kind of snapped back at me – and in a way that made me raise an eyebrow, shut up, and decide that I needed a few moments to calm down before I attempted to communicate anything else.

Normally, this is where he shuts down and goes into his room.  But, he was summoning strength from somewhere deep in himself to not respond in this way.  After a few moments he said he was sorry and then started explaining the incredibly mature insights he had started to see and understand from some self reflection in regards to his recent experiences.

He recognized that he had trouble communicating with others, and how not communicating with people is what makes him feel isolated and alone in things.  “Apparently, communicating is important.”  : D  He said that he is consciously trying to communicate out to others what he is experiencing, but that it’s really tough for him because he has difficulty communicating and it can be misunderstood.  I told him that if the person he was talking to, was worth anything, just by him being open and expressing that he’s in the process of learning how to communicate more effectively, that more than likely they’ll have patience and hold the space for him to do so.   He was also aware that he may start to forget this valuable lesson, but that life always has a way of bringing it back around to remind you, and that he will be patient with himself in this process.

I’m paraphrasing what was said, and the conversation went much deeper, and was just something else to behold.  When did my boy go and grow up on me?

This morning as I was driving to school, he was keeping true to his commitment to keep communicating and not shut people out.  He kept his ipod off, and he continued saying the things on his mind, and allowing me to do the same.  Learning how to listen, and to communicate.  Wow.  I had so much mommy love welling up in me, that I hardly knew what to do with myself.

And just when I thought he couldn’t surprise me anymore than he already had, he said something that really hit home for me.  He said that he had been trying to think of what to do for Mother’s Day, and wasn’t really coming up with anything. . . so he decided that the best thing he knew to do, was to become a better Bjorn.

O.O

Oh my god.  It all hit me at once, his genuineness, his humbling experience, his seeing to the center and truth of where many of his problems stem from and then consciously choosing a new way… a brave way… and acting on it… was his Mother’s Day gift to me.

What in the hell did I do to deserve such an amazing, mind blowing, loving, thoughtful, kind son? (Insert insane bawling here)  I am so grateful, and so appreciative for what I received.  I told him, that it was the most thoughtful Mother’s Day gift in all of humanity.  (I know that doesn’t necessarily make sense, but it’s what came out.)

The maturity, the grace, the love, the courage & bravery, thoughtfulness, wisdom, and just outright beauty of the gift that he gave me is beyond words and feelings.  If ever anyone exemplified what it meant to show who they really are inside, it was in this gift that my son gave to me.

Thank you, my dear son, for the best present you could have ever given me.  I couldn’t be prouder of you and what you’re doing for yourself and in turn for everyone else in your life.  I am proud and honored to be your mom.