What Truly Letting Go Looks Like

My friend Carmen brought up Pluto transits in a comment from yesterday’s post:

Arrrgh. Tell me again about Pluto transiting the ascendant???

I think her first word pretty much sums up Pluto transits.  Hers is going across the ascendant.  Her whole self identity is dying . . . but that’s not all . . . there are the Pluto/Uranus squares that have been happening . . . which have been pounding humanity into the ground.  So . . . if Pluto is going across her ascendant . . . Uranus is aiming somewhere at least near her IC.  Her identity with Pluto . . . her foundation (core self) with Uranus . . . is where this is all hitting in her life.  And omg . . . these transits have not had any mercy on the beautiful soul that is the woman I know as Carmen.

I wrote a reply that was specific to her . . . but I know this is something that we’re all dealing with somewhere in our lives.  I know I’m certainly seeing it in my Facebook feeds from my friends.  This is deep and serious stuff that is happening globally.

While Carmen has been facing the Pluto portion of these squares across her ascendant, I’ve been experiencing the Uranus transit across my ascendant.  Between the two of us, we have the entire cardinal cross covered in our charts, but in different areas . . . which is probably why the universe had us bump into each other.  “Here . . . you two might have something to talk about.  If not now . . . soon.”  O.O

I’m about to throw up (as in show . . . not puke, although it looks like it . . . I puke in heart shapes, what do you do?) one of my visual aids.  It’s showing what part of the maelstrom I’m trying to navigate.

Transiting Uranus Conjunct Ascendant.  Transiting Pluto Square Natal Pluto.  Transiting Pluto Square Ascendant and Transiting Uranus.  Natal Uranus in Scorpio.

Transiting Uranus Conjunct Ascendant. Transiting Pluto Square Natal Pluto. Transiting Pluto Square Ascendant and Transiting Uranus. Natal Uranus in Scorpio.

The green hearts are where those planets currently are in the sky (transiting).  The gold hearts are the same planets, but where they are located in my natal chart.

I’m not even sure where to start.  I listed all the notables in the caption of the picture, so I won’t repeat them here.  But that’s some heavy duty stuff going on.  Pluto in the 10th house . . . oy vey.  I didn’t think I was going to survive Pluto gnashing on my MC several years back (opposing my IC like a boss).  It hit my Neptune/Moon (IC rules moon).

During that time my teenage son attempted suicide.  He swallowed a handful of pills.  I’ll never . . . ever forget that moment in the living room . . . him laying on the floor . . . me holding him in my arms rocking and crying . . . having already screamed at 911 twice to get there faster because my baby was dying.

Remembering my son coming back to consciousness long enough to tell me to not cry . . . that everything was going to be okay . . . and that he loved me . . . that it was getting cold . . . watching the life fade from his eyes . . . and then closing them.

This is an example of a Pluto transit.  Sometimes Pluto is a metaphorical death . . . sometimes it’s actual death.  My son did survive.  But just barely . . . it could have gone either way.

Later that night, as I sat alone in the waiting room wondering whether I was going to be planning a funeral or if life was going to give me another chance to try again . . . I experienced one of Pluto’s main lessons first hand.  I was so far pulled into myself trying to escape what was happening, that I’m surprised I didn’t actually turn inside out.

I was running through every scenario in my head . . . what could I have done differently?  This wasn’t our first trip to the ER.  He had spent a week in the hospital for suicide watch when he was 12.  I educated myself about everything . . . what signs to look for when someone’s depressed . . . I took him to therapists . . . doctors.  I tore myself inside out to be a better mother.

And yet . . . there I was a couple years later.  Ripping myself apart again for failing as his mother.  Huddled in a ball on a waiting room couch, screaming at myself inside . . . asking what I did wrong . . . what did I not do that I should have.  When suddenly something gave way in me.  Everything went quiet inside of me.  A truth had been spoken outside of my screaming . . . but still inside of me.

“There’s nothing you could have done.  You cannot control what another person does.  You have to let go of thinking you can save him.  You have to come to peace with the fact that one day you very well may lose him . . . and that there’s nothing you can do to change it.”

In that moment . . . I let go of trying to keep my son alive . . . not because I didn’t love him . . . but because I don’t have that kind of power and control over another human’s path.  Who am I to say when it is time for him to die?  It’s his life . . . it’s his path . . . not mine.  So that part of me trying to control every aspect of his life in order to “save” him . . . surrendered control to the universe.

That’s when the quiet and peace had flooded me.  That’s when I became aware of a multitude of light beings in my presence.  They had been there all along . . . they were the ones who had communicated that information to me.  It was said with complete compassion . . . they saw how I was suffering . . . but as long as I was closed down and trying to control the situation in any way . . . I was also closed to them . . . I couldn’t receive their comfort and their help.

When I let go . . . I opened to a much larger awareness about life and our place in it.  I saw how much we do in an effort to prevent or stop things that we’re scared of happening.  We don’t even realize we’re doing it.  That’s Pluto.  It’s the places that scare us the most.  It’s the things that we’d do anything . . . absolutely anything . . . to not have happen.  Pluto will hold those things in your face until you finally open your eyes.

The one thing I couldn’t bear to lose in my life was my son.  Any and everything else in life, I could handle.  But from the moment my son was born, I was plagued with nightmares and fears of him dying . . . and I couldn’t handle it.  I couldn’t breathe.  I lived in terror of something happening to him.

So without seeing that I was doing it, I sheltered him . . . smothered him . . . I controlled every aspect of his life in the name of keeping him safe.  And it nearly killed him.  I was absolutely blind to it.  Others would just say to me that I was just being a good mom or a protective mom . . . but nobody ever did something like an intervention.  Because Pluto is not something easily seen or noticed by others or ourselves.

If my son hadn’t tried to kill himself . . . I don’t know that I would have ever seen it on my own.  That’s the fact of the matter.  He didn’t do it to hurt me . . . he did it to make his own hurt inside stop . . . he didn’t understand the pain and he didn’t know what to do about it.  All he knew is that it was too much.  That is also Pluto.  When you feel so absolutely alone in your pain, and you’re so far in the dark that you can’t see any light or hope . . . that is also Pluto.  My son has Pluto in Scorpio.

We both have completely changed our lives since then.  I’m more willing to let him do his own thing.  I am aware every minute of how precious my time is with him . . . so I’m more present when we interact.  We both have put in a lot of years working on getting our defenses down and rebuilding trust between each other.

Every day we become more open and loving and understanding of each other and all our own strange quirks.  I appreciate him for how he is . . . no matter how contrary and sometimes frustrating it is to me.  We’ve learned how to feel through the dark together as a team instead of as competitors.  It’s no longer a competition about who hurts more inside.  It’s a give and take . . . here is my owie . . . here let me help you hug that owie out.

Whenever I find myself falling back into wanting to control him for “his sake” . . . I remember that he came here with his own path and his own purpose and that he needs to find it for himself.  I’m here for support and love.  I’m here to be home base for him when he inevitably falls down in his effort to try and figure out this life thing.  That’s my role as mom.  Not to judge him . . . not to force him against his own (strong) inner will . . . but to mentor him . . . give him guidance.

So . . . yeah . . . this didn’t end up being so much about the stuff I said at the beginning.  Just like Pluto transits . . . sometimes I don’t have control over what decides to come out in my posts.  And I just let it be what it is without apology or trying to change it into what I think it should be.

Wanting To Be A Graceful Swan, Destined To Be A Goofy Dork.

I was recently doing searches on various aspects of my birth chart because I’ve lost sight of who I am again.

Normally this might be something I’d talk to a close friend about . . . but right now, that friend is you.  This space is the only medium I have in my life right now to talk things out.

But hey, I have Uranus (friends, internet, unconventional) in my 7th house (relationships) . . . so maybe this is exactly how it’s supposed to be for me.

Over and over again I am reminded in my life that there is how I think things are supposed to be . . . and then there are how things just are.

Anyways . . . I like visual aids, so here’s a look at my birth chart (and it’s okay if you don’t know astrology . . . it’s my feeling that even just seeing the geometry and symbols gives us information, even if at a subconscious level).  If you click on it you should be able to see the mega huge version of it.  (If you’re looking for a great resource for astrology, or even just to have the ability to do a chart without having to pay money . . . www.astro.com is *the* best place I have found online.)

Jenn's Birth Chart

Jenn’s Birth Chart

It will never fail to amaze me how looking at a birth chart is looking at a snapshot of the heavens at the time and location of a person’s birth . . . and how it is a blueprint of who we are and what our plan was for the time we are here.  As above . . . so below.

Anyways, I first started my search with my (moon’s) North Node, which is in Libra in the 7th house.

North Node in Libra in the 7th house.

North Node in Libra in the 7th house.

One place I looked, True Node.org, had a lot of useful information.  Some of it I wasn’t quite on board with, but that helped me actively use my discernment in what I felt to be true for myself vs. how another person viewed/interpreted similar things that I do . . . without being defensive about it.  And also for me to keep in mind, that there are other things in my chart that change how it is expressed in me.

Here’s what stood out most for me:

You are here in this lifetime to learn to give with the whole heart, asking nothing of others in return.

. . .

Some will perceive you as disloyal, since you are so reluctant to invest in your relationships.  However, as you grow in your spiritual development, you will find within yourself an amazing ability to give self-confidence to others.

. . .

an ability to “give others the will where there was none” and to make them aware of their own self-worth

These are the things I felt touch me deep inside and reading them easily make me cry in a kind of relief . . . so I know they are touching on something true and important to me.

When I’ve forgotten who I am . . . this is the kind of process I go through to help piece myself back together until a bigger picture emerges and I’m able to start remembering on my own.

One of the things I feel when reading these sentences, is a raw heartbreaking overwhelming humbleness at the idea that I could affect another human being in that way.  Which makes me painfully aware of what I’ve been feeling about my own self worth.  How lately, I haven’t been feeling like I have anything of value to offer another person.  I know it’s not true, but I can’t seem to remember what it is I have.

So I kept searching to see what other clues I could find.  Next was on my Neptune/Moon conjunction.

Neptune (9th house) and Moon (8th house) conjunction in Sagittarius.

Neptune (9th house) and Moon (8th house) conjunction in Sagittarius.

This is where my deep feelers come from.  This is why I cry like a person at a funeral when I witness something that feels so profound or so beautiful.  This is what brings me to my knees when I hear a violin playing just the right haunting chords.  It’s where I feel (moon) both the beauty and sorrow of the world and life from a spacecraft view.  This is also where I get incredibly confused in my feelings and who I am separate from others whenever I become emotionally stressed.

The best place I found that describes the Neptune/Moon conjunction, is at The Chirotic Journal.  It’s a longer quote . . . but I feel it’s necessary in order to effectively understand what it means to have this configuration (or similar).

Imagine this scenario: someone you know has come to see you and on their way over they have got stuck in traffic, had an argument with a co-worker on the phone and discovered that their husband spent the housekeeping on a hooker, then they call in at your house, and actually, they like you very much and just want to hang out for a while so they don’t mention any of that bad stuff, but inside they are angry, upset, hurt and frustrated, as would only be natural for anyone who had experienced such a frustrating and upsetting set of circumstances. For most, this visitor would appear agitated perhaps, maybe a little off and flat and for anyone without Moon conjunct Neptune it wouldn’t represent much of a blip on their personal radar, off their friend would toddle, and they might think to themselves “hmm, they seemed a little odd today, no matter”, and they would carry on about their business and probably forget all about it.

Not so for Moon conjunct Neptune. Not by a long chalk.

For anyone with Moon conjunct Neptune, they can feel the anger, resentment and frustration from their friend almost as a physical force in the room. The hostility would be profoundly uncomfortable, they feel so uncomfortable in fact that they may even begin to physically sweat, or shake, or feel a little wan and pale. And even before their friend was out the door they will already be running through the list of all possible misdemeanours they could possibly have committed to have caused such an upset, because it is entirely possible that their friend is angry because of something they have done, or said, or not said, or not done, or implied, or inferred or failed to anticipate.

It’s for this reason I need lots of time alone.  It’s also the source of many of my oddities, all of which are hard for me to explain or describe because it just doesn’t make sense in practical down-to-earth terms.  It’s stuff that only makes sense to someone (without this or a similar configuration in their chart) when they’re having a religious experience or moment of ecstatic bliss.  Or when faced with larger than life events, such as when faced with the death of a loved one and they bring the whole meaning of life into question.  In those moments . . . the things I feel every day of my life . . . would then have more context and make more sense to them.

Next I decided to look at the aspect on my chart that is in opposition (180 degrees) from my Neptune/Moon, which is my Jupiter/Sun.  It’s crucial that I understand this other side because it’s my counter-balance.  Until I come to peace with both, I will swing wildly from one to the other.  I have to reconcile both sides (and all 4 of the gigantic influences) inside of me.

Sun and Jupiter conjunction in 2nd house in Gemini.

Sun and Jupiter conjunction in 2nd house in Gemini.

The things that came up in my search wavered from one end of the spectrum to the other as far as how people chose to see this combination.  Here are some samples:

From Sasstrology (and specifically about having a partner who has Sun/Jupiter aspect . . . apparently I’m a handful.)

When ego (Sun) is united with the planet of expansion and philosophy (Jupiter), it creates a larger-than-life personality. Sun/Jupiter is a highly intelligent, optimistic partner. But when his sense of self gets too big, is there room for another person in the relationship?

Jupiter’s full-on influence quadruples the Sun’s energy.

I *have* wondered this myself.  I understand at some level that I’m *a lot*.  I can get so frustrated with myself.  I want to be who I am without overwhelming or scaring people off.  But I don’t know how to just “kind of” be me.  It’s like asking an atomic bomb to “bring it down a notch”.  How?  🙂

From the site My Astrology Book:

You have brought strong and powerful spiritual energy into this world.  You’re very ethical, vital, physically protected, and have much wisdom to share with others.  You’re optimistic, philosophical, generous to a fault, buoyant, love to travel, and will probably do so, to places far from home. 

Okay . . . that seems like a little more down to Earth.  But it’s not really getting at the bigness of the energy.

MoonPluto Astrology says with the Sun/Jupiter configuration:

People forget sometimes that Sagittarius is the sign of prophecy and Jupiter in Gemini sitting with the Sun (YOU) is… to quote a Facebook friend of mine, the intensity and relentlessness of 1,000 white hot suns.

There we go . . . 1,000 white hot suns.  Now I feel like we’re on the same page.  That’s the level at which I’m having to consciously work with and keep under control at all times.  If I don’t, my physical body (2nd house) starts paying the price for it.  So I’m always in flux trying to keep myself healthy by not keeping all of that repressed in me . . . and also with not letting it all out and frying everyone within a 100,000 mile radius to a burnt crisp.  Cuz . . . I mean . . . I deeply *care* about you guys.  My Moon/Neptune is absolutely horrified at what my Sun/Jupiter is capable of.

So the ping pong game that often plays out on this axis/opposition of my chart looks something like this:  Supernova Superstar! —> You Monster!  How could you be so insensitive! {sob uncontrollably} –> I’m super sorry.  I’m a pathetic, self-centered jackass. –> Oh . . . it’s okay . . . I know you didn’t mean it. –> Really?  –>  Sure!  You’re not so bad.  I love you!  –> Supernova Superstar!

This is mostly internal . . . because I have another aspect playing out in my chart that isn’t so fond of my Sun/Jupiter.  And that is my . . . wait for it . . . Saturn in Leo in the 5th house.  (dun Dun DUN!!)

Saturn in Leo in the 5th house.

Saturn in Leo in the 5th house.

I *am* grateful for Saturn, because he helps anchor my Neptune/Moon and keeps me from totally floating off into space.  This is where I gain discipline, strength, and focus if I put in the hard work.  But it’s in the sign and house of FUN!  Noooooooo!

I liked what Night Sky wrote about Saturn in Leo.

Under Leo, Saturn is brought into the spotlight, into the limelight and is forced into doing something that Saturn abhors generally, and that is being the centre of attention and being “fun”.

Bah, Humbug!

In this position, Saturn is forced into showing courage, spontaneity, exuberance and love of life. The result is often a straight jacket.

LOL.  But seriously,

When in terms and face though, and the essential debility of this placement is reduced somewhat, Saturn´s serious and no-nonsense face is a beautiful blend with Solar energy resulting in an old and mature soul acting through an innocent and childlike Leo.

That’s a beautiful sentiment . . . but here’s the reality of it:

The detrimental nature of Saturn in Leo almost always guarantees the humiliation of Saturn in any kind of endeavour in which he tries to act out his original and melancholic nature, for in doing so the fire of Leo will burn away all careful planning, all responsibility and wreak havoc. But for the Saturn who acts out his inner child, who does what Leo tells him and tries to be “fun” it seems as if great respect and honour… those so desired Saturnine gifts are thrown upon him. It is funny that this Saturn although repressed and wearing a straight jacket when he does take to the stage, is so showered with affection and admiration for doing it. But that is the nature of essentially debilitated planets, they are asked to do something they don´t like.

Ack.  Okay.  For some reason this has me tearing up.  {Stop it!  Stop crying! God you are so embarrassing sometimes.} <— says my Saturn in Leo/5th house to my Neptune/Moon.

Guaranteed humiliation when I try to be myself around others.  Yes.  1,000 white hot suns yes.  My Gemini and Sagittarius want to be in love with life and people.  They want to bring joy and laughter to everyone.  And then there’s Saturn with a leash on both of them saying, “NO!”

This is Saturn in Leo's response to Moon/Neptune in Sagittarius.

This is Saturn in Leo’s response to Moon/Neptune in Sagittarius.

I hate and fear attention.  I.despise.it.  It baffles me that there are people who want to be famous.  WHY!?  Why would you do that on purpose?!  But the forces that burn and bubble under my surface, demand to be let out . . . and that is inevitably going to bring attention to me. (godbleepitybleepingbleep!!)  So I most definitely will come crashing through that stage in a straightjacket, because it’s both something I hate and something that comes with just being who I am.  I want to be all noble, poised, and magnificent . . . but do this instead:

That's about as graceful as I get.

That’s about as graceful as I get.

So . . . that’s as far as I got in my search.  When I’m in a healthier space, I can handle way more information than that at a time . . . so that is another indicator for myself to take it easy and to continue to rest.  But doing this helped.  It felt good to share this with you.  (But don’t tell Saturn.)

{Continued in Before I Get To Goofy Dork, I Need To Make A Quick Stop At The Local Abyss }

Breaking Open

The breakup was back in November.

But I still miss him.

I still love him.

Tonight’s crying has been the most heartbreaking so far.

The reality of what’s happened has only now seeped through the ice and defenses that have been my exterior, and reached my core.

So the crying is coming straight from my heart.

The kind of deep hurt that only comes when you’ve taken the risk of opening your heart fully to someone.

And then losing them.

And everything you had dreamed together.

And there’s nothing you can do about it.

I thought the failure of the relationship meant that I had failed.

That maybe I still hadn’t learned how to trust.  That I still hadn’t learned how to be open and vulnerable.   That I still hadn’t learned how to let someone into my heart.

But right now . . . as I sit here feeling like my whole world is crashing down on me . . . and like my heart is being shattered into a million pieces . . .

I am starting to see the gift that has been given.

I’m not feeling like this because I failed to learn how to trust or how to open my heart to another human . . . I’m feeling like this because I succeeded in doing those things.

The feeling is at once the most painful and most beautiful thing I’ve ever had to endure.

It feels like the most intolerable thing a human being could be asked to endure while still conscious.

But something that I’m only able to experience if I’m connected to my heart . . .

And with that realization, it becomes something so extraordinary and precious to the human experience.

Something I wouldn’t give up for the whole world.

I have spent my WHOLE life being afraid of love.

I have spent my WHOLE life trying to hide and protect myself from getting hurt.

I have spent my WHOLE life alone and afraid.

And as I sit here crying and curled up in the fetal position feeling the one thing I have most feared my whole life . . . I’m finding my heart again.

Through the fear and pain of the heartache, I can see and feel everything in me that is my love and heart.

And it’s all of me.

I had thought I lost my ability to love.

But no.  I love with all of me.  I love with everything I have.

As I’m feeling my heart come back to me I’m remembering why I cut it off.

The things happening in this world break my heart.

I can hardly stand it.

The things I see in the news . . . the way people treat each other just in everyday life . . . it makes me cry so deeply.

The way the school systems systematically crush the spirit and love out of children, and all we do is stand by and watch feeling helpless.

WHY ARE THERE HOMELESS AND HUNGRY PEOPLE!!! THERE IS MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE!

What the FUCK is wrong with the people on this planet!?!?!?

What are we doing?!?  What are we doing to ourselves?!  And why?!  WHY DO WE LIVE LIKE THIS?!

I don’t understand, I’ve never understood.  My heart can’t handle it.

We let bad and stupid things happen to people because “that’s just the way it is”.  But why?!  Why does it stay that way?  It doesn’t need to be that way!  Goddammit it makes me so angry!

What the fuck has happened to us?

This is NOT how things are supposed to be!

This is NOT alright, this is NOT okay!  This is horrible!

The violence, the arrogance, the ignorance, the suffering, the heartbreak, the loss of hope . . .

Why?

Why do we all sit in our pain and suffering alone?  We are killing ourselves . . . we are dying inside . . . and we can’t see past ourselves in order to see what needs to change.

We are so frozen in fear that we are unable to help ourselves.

It tears me apart and breaks my heart over and over.

I used to cry alone all of the time when I was younger because of things I heard people doing to each other all over the world.

Why?!  Why?!  Why?!

Killing and hurting each other over things that don’t matter, that don’t mean anything!?  It’s so insane I can’t comprehend it.

Who FUCKING CARES if people are gay?!  I don’t understand what that has to do with ANYTHING that is important.  They are human beings!  And they deserve to be loved and nurtured and cared for and happy the same as the rest of us!  Any GOD who says that two people who love each other are in sin is WRONG.  I don’t fucking care who it is, I will tell any God to his face that they are wrong in this matter!

And nobody, NOBODY should be homeless or hungry.  No fucking body.  I don’t care if they are lazy, assholes, or straight up serial killers.  NOBODY should be homeless or hungry.  That’s not something you GODDAMN FUCKING EARN!  There are some things that each and every person should get to have no matter who they are or how they behave . . . and food and shelter are two of those things.  The third is love.  Everybody . . . everybody should be made to feel loved.

And the prison system!  We act like we have nothing to do with how the people in the prison system are.  We act like our decisions and choices as a community or nation have nothing to do whatsoever with the way the people in the prison system are.  They are nothing more than our scapegoats.  At some point in their lives they were neglected and failed by their families and communities and they are paying the price for all of our failures.  People are scared of them and judge them . . . but THEY are the things about ourselves that we don’t want to acknowledge or deal with.

Mental institutions?  Same thing.

And guess what?  It’s gotten so out of control that it’s catching up to us.  We won’t be able to run from ourselves anymore.  Everyone will start seeing how they are the very thing that they judge.  That they are the very thing they hate and fear in one form or another.  How this world isn’t real, only the souls and spirits in it . . . and how you treat the souls and spirits in it is of far more importance than anything physical you see.

{Sigh}

I love you.  I love each of you.  I can feel you in my heart, and your hurts are my hurts.  Your happiness is my happiness.  I don’t care what you’ve done in the past . . . I want you to know happiness . . . I want you to know love.  I want you to feel like you belong.  I want you to feel like someone would care if something happened to you.  I want you to know uninhibited joy.  I want you to feel seen.  I want you to feel heard.  I want you to feel like you matter.

Because you do.  You mean the world to me.

The Hum of Life

I got caught up in thinking I have to do or be one thing or the other.

Maybe one day I’ll look back on the sum of my life and find that I had been exactly what I wanted all along.

Not because I set out to be any one thing . . . but because I was being what was asked of me in any given moment by mother nature herself.

There is an ongoing Hum of Life that supplies you with everything you need.

I can feel it in my heart, I can sense it with my mind, and it reverberates with my soul.

It soothes and reassures you like a mother would.

It will listen to all of your troubles with an open heart . . . embrace you with warmth while you cry it out . . . and then truthfully let you know that everything is going to be alright.

If you try to hold or control the flow . . . it becomes illusive.

It is not something meant to be owned or possessed.

It is a gift meant to be respected and honored.

It must be allowed continuous flow . . . or it will become stagnant and old.  If held against its will, it takes on a poisonous form.

Let it run free and it will gladly give you everything you need.  Try to capture or control it, and it will take from you everything you want.

It is not you that tells the Hum of Life how to be.  It is the Hum of Life that tells you simply what is.

Instead Of Condemning The Bullies, How About We Help Show Them A Better Way

Earlier while watching a moving and inspirational video clip that a friend of mine shared on facebook, I felt a loving and patient mama bear emerge from within who had something she wanted to say.

The video clip can be found here, and the article is titled A Developmentally Challenged Boy is Getting Bullied.  What His Peers Do Will Surprise You. It’s about a young boy with a disability who has been getting bullied, and many of his classmates showing their support for him.

What was most touching for me, was seeing one of the young boys who was supporting the bullied child get choked up with tears while speaking about what they were doing, and then the reassuring pats on the shoulder from his friends.  Not to mention the bullied child, Danny, is just about the most adorable thing you’ll see all day.  {big choked up super sigh}

But in that same moment, I felt my heart grow 3 sizes bigger (you know . . . Grinch-like . . . because it is the holidays and all) and I felt a pull and need also go out to the ones who do the bullying.

[Side note: Because I don’t want to take away from the inspiration and message of the video, I’d like to shift the focus from it being about the bullies of this specific incident to making it about bullies in general, even though I may refer to the incident as an example.]

What came up, was a feeling of sorrow and heartbreak for the bullies as well as the bullied.  The same kind of feeling that might come up in a mother who has just found out her own child has been hurt and humiliated, except I felt it simultaneously for both sides.

As the clip went on, I felt a sense of warmth, healing, and support for the one who was bullied.  I felt hope.  I felt very proud of the boy’s classmates for making such a gesture.  Peer pressure in school is harsh, and these young boys had to have a lot of courage to do what they did.

But the part of me that felt the sorrow and heartbreak for the bullies, continued to feel cold and neglected.  And it hurt.  And it made me want to cry for them.  It made me want to hold them in my arms in love.  All of them.  Because they are young too . . . and they are already losing their way . . . and I don’t ever see anyone stepping in to help them with love, compassion, or support.

Children model what they are shown (in their own individualistic way).  And for bullies, somewhere along the line, the adults and people in their lives have let them down.  They are then punished for it, and made to carry the burden of their ancestor’s sins.  How are they supposed to learn acceptance, understanding, and forgiveness when they are shunned, out-casted, and repeatedly told how despicable bullies are by all of society?

It feels like the moment we put the label “bully” onto a child, they cease to become human.  They become these ugly, snarly-toothed, drooling, incomprehensible monsters (Tasmanian Devil comes to mind) that everyone comes to boo and hiss and throw tomatoes at.  Booo!  You Loser!  How dare you make a bad life decision at the age of six!  You should probably go ahead and pack your bags and leave the planet because you’re not wanted here.

Okay, so maybe I’m over exaggerating. (maybe.)

But I think the point I’m trying to make is that we need to separate unacceptable behavior from the person themselves.  Their behavior is what is unacceptable.  Not them.  How ironic is it that we cannot see that the bully is not his bad behavior, even as we punish him (or her. equal opportunity for being an asshole.) for not seeing or understanding that the disability (or insert whatever here. . . being poor, ugly, uncoordinated, etc.) is not the identity of the kid they are bullying?

Are we not a world just brimming to the teeth full of hypocrisy and judgment?

Quit polarizing.  It’s unflattering and it makes your ass look fat.

I feel if we really want to put a stop to things such as bullying, we need to stop bullying the bully.  (<— wait . . . am I currently being a bully to the people bullying the bulliers . . . oh lawd help me!)

Because truthfully, we all have an inner bully.  Whether it’s towards ourselves or others . . . spoken out loud or kept quiet deep inside of us . . . it’s there.  “I’m too fat.”  “I’m such an idiot.”  “I’m so ugly.”  “I’m hungry.”  (That last one was just to see if you were paying attention.  And I’m actually hungry.)  When we are so ruthless and unforgiving of bullies, we are being just as ruthless and unforgiving of our own inner bully.

If we are sincere in our wish to stop the bullying, then I feel the entire approach and the way we perceive it needs to be completely revolutionized.  Instead of ‘good victimized kid’ vs. ‘bad devil spawn kid’, we need to see them both as children who are in a long trial and error process of learning how to grow into awesome adult version of themselves within a world full of other awesome human beings (that are sometimes going to act like assholes).

Maybe when a situation like this happens, we could doing something like bring the kid that was bullied and all of his friends into one area.  Bring the kid that was bullying and all of their friends into another area.  Have understanding, supportive adults who are capable of being in a non-judgmental space with each group.

Have each group hold the space for them (the bullier and bullied), to let them vent out their feelings regarding the situation.  Not judge if it’s right or wrong . . . just let them say whatever needs to come out.  Let the friends they trust, be there to give witness to their pain or anger or upset.  Not try to rush it.  Not try to fix it.  Not try to justify it.  Not try to make it less than it is.  Just to let them have the feelings they are having.

The adults can stand as the solid ground for the students as they work to get themselves right side up.

Once a feeling of peace, calm, acceptance, and understanding has become the dominant tone for the whole group, (for both groups) . . . then make the transition of moving both groups together into a 3rd neutral area, and allow the two halves to harmonize with each other (the same way as they did as separate groups) and mend the break/hurt that happened due to the situation.

It doesn’t mean they have to agree or even like each other.

But they can gain expanded awareness and understanding of things that are different outside of themselves.  They can learn how to respect and honor those differences.  They can learn how to accept people as they are without trying to change or control them.  And because of that, they can learn how to accept all of themselves as well . . . including their own inner bully.

Because they will have been shown, that even if they mess up or have a bad day and act like a total jackass, they won’t be hung from the ceiling by their toenail and tortured with an organic carrot . . . instead, they’ll be given priceless tools that will help them in real life as adults by showing them how to make amends (regardless of what ‘side’ they’re on), as well as being given an opportunity to try again with a sense of community and support.

Instead of condemning the bullies, how about we show them a better way.

Or maybe do this.

Or maybe do this.

The Tale of Those *With* and *Without*

Once upon a time there was a world where a person’s awareness and focus was the sole currency.  Their *attention*.

And in this world, there were those who knew how to tap into their own internal source in order to have plenty of *attention* to spend on whatever they felt was most important and valuable.  Whatever they spent it on, gave it life.  They were allowed to spend their resource in any way they wished.

And also in this world, there were others who did not yet know how to tap into their own internal source.  They were dependent on the *attention* of those who did have their own internal source.

The ones *with* the resources, held a great responsibility in caring for those *without* the resource.  They also held the responsibility in teaching and preparing those *without*, how to one day become one of those *with*.

A simple system was used.

When those *without* behaved in a way that was aligned with those *with*, they were rewarded with *attention*.  If they then chose to spend that *attention* wisely, it would bring them closer to the next level of their development, and ever closer to becoming one of those *with*.

Becoming one of those *with*, granted a person the much coveted freedom of no longer being dependent on others, as well as no longer having to do what others said for your survival.  But with it also came the shared burden of responsibility for those *without*.

The road going from *without* to *with* was a long one.  Along the path, a person *without* had to learn many things such as discipline, strength, courage, patience, humility, kindness, love, and integrity.

They had to learn faith and perseverance, even when their journey became strewn with obstacles and nothing made sense.

They had to learn how to trust that those *with* could see the bigger picture having made the journey themselves . . . even if it seemed that they were being unfair or unjust.  Those *without* didn’t have to like it, but they needed to learn to respect it.

There were many, many things to learn and understand along the way.  Those who were eager, open, & genuine were able to move through the process quickly.  Those who were stubborn, prideful, & impatient . . . took a little longer to get through.

Each ultimately had the same tasks to learn, because every.single.one was necessary in order to even become capable of becoming a person *with*.  But to allow for each person’s individuality, they were allowed to choose for themselves the way in which they went about learning it.

They were also allowed to go at the pace that best suited them, with the understanding that there was a deadline for each cycle.  When this time came, each would be given a personalized final exam that they would have to pass in order to graduate and become a person *with*.  If a person did not pass, they would have to be held back and continue their education.

Things worked well at the beginning of the cycle because there was plenty of time, and everyone felt at ease to be their own person without any threat.

But as it neared the end of the cycle, and the looming final exams that would be the deciding factor on who would graduate and become the ones *with* and who would need to continue as ones *without* . . . those who had been goofing off and spending their *attention* unwisely. . . started to panic and become desperate.

Because of their deficiency in *attention* from not aligning themselves in the given time with the ones who were *with*, they were low in awareness and in the dark about what was happening.

Some used the fear as an opportunity to get back on their path.  But many instead tried to use what *attention* they had, to lie, trick, and steal *attention* and awareness from other students who had been learning their lessons diligently all along and had quite a bit of *attention*.

It seemed unfair to the ones in the dark, that others should have more *awareness* than them.  Because of their own lack of awareness, they were unable to see very far below the surface of outer appearances.  If they could’ve, they would’ve become aware of just how much *attention* the others had invested in themselves and their journey, and that although it looked like it was just handed to them . . . they had truly earned it.

And it seemed unfair to the ones who had put in all of the hard work and effort, that they should be forced to suffer such fools as those in the dark who had had the same opportunities as them, but wasted them.

But before they can graduate and become a person *with*, they have to learn how to shoulder the burden of responsibility for teaching and preparing the people *without*.

Our Many Different Ways

Whether it’s trust in life, trust in others, or trust in self . . . most of us will experiences issues with trust at one point or another in our lives.

There are examples of it everywhere.  Even logging into my wordpress account this morning, a banner showed asking me to visit my settings page to make sure I enable a feature in order to make my account more secure.  Because you can’t *trust* that something undesirable won’t happen.

Here are some examples from my personal life of how my own trust issues disguise themselves:

  • When someone I love is having trouble, and I cross a line inside of myself from being someone who is listening to them and supporting their choices and their path independent of my own feelings, to feeling personally responsible for helping or fixing their problem.  What I’m really doing, is telling them that I don’t trust that they can figure it out on there own.  It may stem from their own distrust in themselves, it may come from my own distrust in myself . . . but whatever way you want to look at it . . . the source of the issue in these situations for myself, comes from a lack of trust.
  • Whenever I try to explain what I’m saying from every perspective imaginative, not from a place of wanting to show the many different ways of seeing something, but because I don’t want to be misunderstood . . . I’m showing a lack of trust.  I am not trusting that people will understand me.  I’m not trusting that people will give me the benefit of the doubt.  I’m not trusting that they will ask me for clarity.  I’m not trusting that it will be okay even if someone does misunderstand me.
  • Anytime I become too scared to say what I’m really feeling or wanting, because I don’t trust that the person will respond to me in a fair and understanding manner.  Or really, because a person has the right to respond in whatever manner they want, I don’t trust that I’ll know how to handle it if they don’t respond to me in a fair and understanding manner.  I don’t trust that the person will give me an opportunity to talk it out between us before assuming the worst of me and shutting me out.

These are just a few examples.  As creative beings, we have come up with endless different ways to show the same feeling from person to person.

In what creative ways have you learned how to express distrust in your life?

Maybe being too trustful

Maybe being too trustful

It’s Going To Be Okay

There’s a lot going on in the world at the moment.  There’s a lot going on in individuals at the moment.

There’s been a sharp increase in the last few weeks of people experiencing their first anxiety attacks.  During this same time period there has been a sharp increase in people having vivid/lucid dreams . . . who normally never remember their dreams at all.

Many of the dreams point towards an event that is coming.

The discussions surrounding the event are typically met with disbelief, fear, relief (bring it!), or an onslaught of bible verses.

I have had lucid dreams pointing towards this time my entire life.  I have also had a lifelong issue with generalized anxiety.  Maybe there’s a correlation.  : )

To those who are experiencing these things for the first time, please know that you’re not alone.  And please know, that it’s going to be okay.

Please know that there are many of us surrounding you in your everyday lives, who have been going through this for some time . . . and we know how to help during this difficult time.

First and foremost . . . b r e a t h e.

When you feel like things are beginning to overwhelm you . . . stop whatever you’re doing . . . close your eyes . . . let everything go . . .  and slow yourself down enough to be able to take at least one full breath all of the way in as deep as you need to in order to feel like it was a deeply satisfying breath.

It may take a few times, but keep trying and slowing down your internal rhythm until you get that one breath in.

Secondly, don’t be afraid to open up to others and talk about what’s bothering you.  You may be surprised to find that others are having the same concerns and fears, and feeling alone in it too.  Anxiety is heightened when you feel alone in your situation.

To those who have already been dealing with these feelings for years . . . I kindly request that you start letting yourselves be known so that others know where to turn for guidance.  This is the time, and this was the reason for you going through all you did ahead of time.  You are greatly needed right now.

Remember how scared you were . . . confused . . . lost . . . alone.  And have mercy on those starting to experience these things.  Be present with them and their fear.  See them.  Let them know it’s okay.  Hug them.

There is one thing I know and see with all of my heart.  And that is, when the moment of truth comes, and we’re all faced with our physical mortality . . . is when we will all truly show ourselves and see each other for the first time.  We will understand and know within our whole being at a depth previously unimagined, how much we truly love each other.  How much we truly love everyone.  How much everyone truly loves us.

And it’s going to be okay.

Warm Colored Sky

The Darkness in Me Understands the Darkness in You

In the spiritual community people are fond of saying, “Namaste”, which roughly translates to “the Divine in me, sees and honors, the Divine in you”.  Which is cool really, when you think about it.  But something about it irks me every time someone uses it.

It feels like there is an emphasize on only acknowledging the Light in us.  Only focus on, acknowledge, and honor the parts of us that are already in the Light.  I don’t feel that was the original intention of the word, but it’s what it feels like when it’s used now.

I don’t know if it works for other people, but pretending like I don’t have Darkness in me, doesn’t make it go away.  Avoiding it and being scared of it. . . also doesn’t do anyone any good.

When a person is scared of something or a situation, the tendency is to become less present in the moment.  The very moment that we need ourselves the most, is when we check out conscious-wise.  When we do that, we are leaving parts of ourselves in the dark. . . alone and scared.

It’s *those* parts of us that most want to be seen and brought into the Light.

What’s the Namaste word equivalent for, “The Dark in me, sees and understands, the Dark in you”?

We’ve painted all Dark as being Evil.  That is a very limited way of viewing existence.  Darkness also has purpose and meaning in the cosmos.

And while we’re in that limited way of seeing things, we are unable to admit and accept the parts of us that ARE Dark . . . leaving us always feeling incomplete, misunderstood, unseen, alone, unloved, unaccepted. . .

It’s the repression of these things that are not accepted, that results in the horrors we see unfolding in the news.

Horrible things happen when there isn’t a safe space for people to get to openly talk about and to get to understand better, the parts of them that are unacceptable in society.  And a safe space cannot be provided, when everyone is terrified of their own shadow.

It is a direct cause and affect.  If we as individuals, and as a whole, insist on pretending that these things don’t exist in all of us. . . and are unable to openly address them in a grown up, loving, humble, nonjudgmental way. . . then the horrors you see on TV will continue.  The “villians” are merely scapegoats for the things we cannot accept in ourselves as individuals and as a group.

If you make sex something to be ashamed of, not just in words but in action. . . then those who feel sexual needs a lot, will not feel okay in trying to openly understand their sexuality better.  A part of them, no matter what they try to tell themselves, will feel ashamed of feeling sexual.

Because of the shame, embarrassment, unacceptance of this part of them. . . they may try to pretend they don’t feel it at all. (Some go in the opposite direction and drown themselves in it.) They may try to get control of it.  They may even completely forget that they ever felt it, in order to hide from it.  Years later, it may start coming back out as anger. . . usually against the very thing they are suppressing.  Why?  Because it’s a part of themselves that they have exiled, and have been unable to accept or love themselves.  And that usually stems from some form of it not being accepted by others around them or in society at large.

This is why forcing or controlling things, ultimately does not work.  What you are trying to prevent, initially *seems* to disappear. . . but it’s actually only gone deep underneath.  Later it may erupt as a mass killing, or as a bombing.  And then we get to use the culprits as scapegoats.  They get to represent and be punished for our refusal to acknowledge the Darkness in Ourselves.

Most people never reach that degree, but instead lead mediocre. . . scared. . . never quite satisfying lives. . . true happiness is always just out of reach.

Isn’t it peculiar that ever since the whole “only think positive” movement has started. . . that things have gone to hell in a hand basket?

It *has* helped people get out of the negative thinking routine.  It has served a purpose. . . like a stair step on the way up.

You know you are being completely honest with yourself in a situation, when you have a realization about yourself that completely humbles you.  When you see how it has been you all along that has been getting in your own way.  There may be good reasons for why you do what you do. . . it may BE because someone else hurt you or did something bad to you. . . but in order to heal, that becomes irrelevant.  It does.not.matter.  Because it is up to you to move through it.

The person who hurt you. . . had not moved through their own hurt that someone else inflicted on them. . . and that’s how you came to be hurt. . . and while in that hurt, you unintentionally hurt others. . . and that’s how the cycle continues. (And from that perspective, makes it not so personal anymore.)

If you wish for it to stop, then it needs to start with you.

The Darkness in me, Sees and Understands, the Darkness in you.

We Are Each A Blazing Light of Glory

I had the most unusual dream last night.  At first I wasn’t sure what the dream was referencing, but the more I wrote and talked it out. . . the more I realized it was a memory from shortly before I was born here.  I feel the weird, almost disorienting, feeling of having regained a long lost memory.

I was wandering around a place.  This place had lots of food.  There was a whole section just for meat . . . in clear packaging.  As I wandered through that particular open room, I was thinking of how there was plenty of food for everyone.  This food thing was a little strange, but it was nice to know that there was plenty of everything for everyone.  It was interesting to me though, because the whole idea of needing to have something outside of me in order to sustain myself was a little foreign to me.  Even trying to pretend like I needed food was an exercise in imagination.

I wondered what it was going to feel like, when we all were going to feel like there maybe isn’t enough for everyone.  I saw flashes of images of Earth, in Africa, where people were lacking this substance.  What did that feel like?  It’s hard to imagine in a place where there’s more than enough, and when it’s not *really* necessary.  If I just connected directly into *source*, I was completely nourished.

But that’s not what the point of this place was.  Although I still wasn’t incarnated yet, I was already away from home and everything I knew.  I seemed to be the only one of my kind in this place at this time.  I had a group that I had been hanging out with and had been bonding with since we had arrived there, but it feels like it does when you go to summer camp and bond with people. . . you’re still out there on your own and making the best of the situation.

Everyone else there felt like strangers to me.  I didn’t know anyone there really.  I kind of got the feeling that there were a lot of us there like that.  Like each species or world or group had sent representatives. . . and here we were.  This place we were at, was like a substation.  We were acclimating to the frequency and vibrations that were much different and denser than what we were used to.  All of the “food” there was to help us to adjust to the idea of needing to eat, as well as helping us become denser.

I felt rumors or whispers filtering through the halls.  It wasn’t that people were actually talking, it was in the air, and I was able to pick it up.  What I heard snapped me out of my thoughts about the food situation.

“What do you mean we forget?”

I started feeling a pull towards a location.  It felt like a magnet was pulling on me.  Everyone that had been at this substation with me, was also feeling the pull and moving towards a single location.  I found my group I had been bonding with.  They were walking ahead of me, and they seemed taller than me.  I was communicating to them as we followed the pull, saying “Did you hear that we forget?  We’re going to forget?”  I felt mostly curious about it, but something else was creeping into me.

I heard my group kind of murmur and pass the information between them, but nothing more was really said because we were suddenly boarding this train-like vehicle.  I had wanted to sit with my group, but the pull was so strong on everybody, that the seats all around my group were already filled up.  I went further down the train, and almost had a seat. . . but it filled before I actually could get in it.  I was sure I was meant to have a seat, so I just kept moving down until I found one that I got into.

I remember sitting in a seat that reminds me of those booster seats you use for toddlers so that they can reach the table.  Except it was kind of up in the air, so I just kind of leaned into it from a standing position.  I remember the strange thinnish “seatbelts” that you clicked in place over your lap.  I was now staring straight ahead.

I was sitting in-between two people I didn’t know.  I couldn’t stop pondering the implications of what I had just found out.

I’m going to forget.

When we get there, I’m not even going to know that I don’t know these two people next to me.  I’m not going to remember that I got sat far away from my own group.  I’m going to forget that I was even here.  It’s going to be like none of this happened at all.

This felt like new or surprising information to me.  I was wondering how I was supposed to do what I was coming to Earth to do, if I was going to forget who I was.  And why did I find out moments before it was time to come into the Earth realm?  I knew it was on purpose and that everything was setup exactly as it was meant to be. . . but what did this mean?  As I centered myself for my descent into this world, a sadness was starting to creep into me.

My curiosity and need to know and understand things, didn’t know what to expect with this sudden turn of events.  Forgetting, to me, feels like a fate worse than death.  I’m pretty sure it is, as far as the immortal soul is concerned.  I trusted that we all knew what we were doing. . . but I was also feeling a little scared at forgetting my existence prior to my birth.  But the adventurer in me, was open to the new experiences this would bring me.

So I let go, and gave in to the pull that was bringing in the latest group of brave souls coming into Earth as representatives of far larger groups of beings from all over the universe.  There was a call for help, and we had been called back into service.  This wasn’t a joy ride for us, this was a pull from our heart to serve those in great need on Earth at this time.

There was a limited amount of space open (bodies in which we were able to incarnate into) and the response to the call was so great, that each group was limited to the number of representatives that they could send.  However, each group’s unique energies and strengths are desperately needed, which means every single person matters a great deal and carries a large burden of responsibility.

Each of us matter.  And we are not alone.  We carry the hope, love, and wisdom from those all over the universe who came in response to Earth’s call for help.  And they have been watching over us all along, making sure that we’re okay. . . especially when we’re suffering.

If you are here at this time. . . you are brave beyond comprehension.  You love with a heart unmatched.  Just being here is itself an act of unconditional love.  You were thought of highly enough, that you were chosen out of trillions. . . to come be here at this time.  Here, you may feel like you’re just one of 7 billion lost souls. . . but from the perspective of the universe. . . you are the Elite.  The best of the best.  The most loving of the loved.  You are a brilliant, blazing, supernova of light.  A fiery golden light of glory.

But you just forgot.