There Is Great Treasure To Be Found In Ancient Wisdom

I’m feeling a little quiet and worn down today.

But I was just thinking about how science is showing us how basically everything is made up of frequencies and vibrations.  Or sound.  Or . . . the “Word of God”.

And I was thinking about how in Quantum Physics we’ve learned that light switches between waves and particles, based on whether it’s being observed or not.  Or based on whether a person’s attention or awareness or consciousness is interacting with it.

Then I thought of how HUGE the planets are in comparison to us . . . and how each has it’s own frequency/vibration . . . like a fingerprint.  And radiates out that unique frequency/vibration just as an act of existing or being.  It’s at a level that is outside of our conscious awareness, but it’s still happening.

And THEN I thought about just how stupid it is for us to think that those frequencies and vibrations *don’t* effect us at some level.  When two things interact . . . *something* happens, there is a change.  It happens in physics and chemistry.  It happens in music . . . in harmonies, discord, etc.

Everything is just atoms vibrating in various patterns to form solidity . . . or what appears to be solid.

And how everything cycles . . . just like the gears of a watch, to the point that if you observed long enough, you could start seeing a pattern.  When *this* vibration interacts with *that* vibration . . . the results seem to always be of *this* nature.  After thousands of years of compiled observation and knowledge . . . you could have a pretty good idea about the pulse of the nature of things.

This all makes perfect sense to me.

So then I wondered why astrology has been thrown into the pot as being for simpletons or the superstitious.  It seems to me that it’s a type of science like any other, based on extensive observation and trial and error in order to try and understand the world in which we live.  Science came about in an attempt to better understand spirituality, or the nature of the world in which we live . . . not replace it.

Astrology takes a wide variety of skills and disciplines in order to use it effectively.  It’s not for someone who doesn’t use their brain.  It’s not for someone who doesn’t use their heart.  It’s not for someone who doesn’t have a love and passion for it, because it takes immense dedication and a lot of patience before your effort starts to pay off.  You pretty much have to become obsessed with it in order to really start understanding and gaining the reward of what information is *really* being handed down.

But the perception of astrology in this day and age, is almost solely based on people reading their weekly sun sign horoscope in their newspaper.  An immense wealth of wisdom, being judged on something so completely superficial and trivial.  Which basically sums up our modern society.  It’s so tragic, it’s almost hilarious.

Did you know at one point it used to be considered irresponsible for a doctor to try and treat a patient without using astrology.  And from what I’ve come to understand about it, I actually agree.  At least the use of the understanding that comes with *why* the human body becomes afflicted like it does and how it can be connected to a mixture of incoming vibrational influences, as well as conscious will and the choices we make for ourselves.

The ancient knowledge that we are so quick to dismiss and close ourselves off to, holds treasure troves of information that we’ve forgotten about ourselves and the nature of the universe.  Perhaps our ancestors didn’t understand the mechanics or wisdom behind why it worked like it did, but that doesn’t make it any less true or any less valuable.

funny-baby-drawing-walls-bed

Little Girl Giggling

Do you know what felt really good about doing yesterday’s post?

I got to express my feelings.  MY feelings.  My only thought when writing yesterday was, “What do I feel inside my heart?”  I wasn’t thinking about how it might make someone else feel.  I wasn’t thinking about what others might think of me.  I wasn’t trying to curb or hide my feelings so that others didn’t become concerned about my state of mind.  I simply expressed my very own feelings that I get to have and feel and hug.

Mine, mine, mine.

It feels really good to get to have and express feelings without judging them.  Without having to act on them.  Without having to defend or explain them.  Without worrying about someone else trying to take responsibility for them, or fix them, or try and tell me why I should or shouldn’t be feeling them.  {Big sigh of relief.}

They weren’t based on trying to skirt psychological criteria for various mental disorders in an attempt to not look psycho, crazy, or like I’m having a breakdown.  They weren’t based on an agenda or ulterior motives.  They weren’t any kind of attempt to make a point or model anything.  There was no focus on consequences, potential outcomes, or effects of my words.

They were purely and simply the feelings I was feeling in my heart.

Here’s the post btw, if you’re interested:  What Is In My Heart

It was freeing.  Moon in Sagittarius –> A need to feel free to feel what I feel.

Do you know what kind of sucked about yesterday’s post?

The absolute silence surrounding it.

Nobody was going to touch that post with a ten foot pole, fluff you very much.

I swear to god I could almost hear everyone stop breathing at once, and very carefully try to tip toe away without being noticed . . . that’s how bad the silence was.

I don’t even understand it, I never have.  This is quite common for me, btw.  I open and share my heart, and people scatter like cockroaches do when a light gets switched on.  While in the past it has led me to doubt my own feelings or wonder if something is wrong with me . . . anymore I’m very sure about what I feel deep inside me and I know there’s nothing wrong with it.

I can’t help but get the feeling that others are more focused on what I’m expecting in response from them, then they are about what it is they feel themselves.  Almost like people assume or think that I’m looking for comfort, help, love, advice . . . as if I’m something that is broken or in need of fixing.

Except . . . I’m not.  Unless I’m specifically asking for help or advice, that is not my reason for sharing things.  I just need to feel what I’m feeling, and I also have a need to share what those feelings are.  I don’t need help or advice because in the act of feeling and sharing what I do, it clears the situation for me and then I know exactly what I need to do.

What would be AWESOME, although I’m certainly not going to force anyone, would be if others would share what THEY are feeling inside.  I don’t need to know what you think or feel about what I wrote . . . what did it evoke and make YOU feel?  It doesn’t even have to be related.  If, while reading my post, it evoked an emotion or memory of your own and it doesn’t even seem related . . . share that!

When you truly share what you’re feeling without trying to explain it, or feel sorry for it, defend it, etc. . . . it feels magnificent!  It feels like a huge weight is taken off of you.

I don’t WANT people to praise or pay credence to my awesomeness (unless they truly feel it and that’s what they want to do).  What I want is for people to be able to feel and own their very own feelings.  Don’t make it about me or others.  Make it about you.  Relish in your feelings!  Roll around in them like a pig in manure.  Don’t judge them or try to see them as good or bad or try to see the other side or feel you have to justify them.

Just FEEL what you truly feel inside!

Feeling what you feel inside means focusing on just your feelings unattached to what anyone else thinks or feels.

With my Gemini Sun/Jupiter conjunction, I’m very mercurial in nature.  What I feel will change from minute to minute.  It’s where I shine.  With those two things in opposition to my Neptune/Moon conjunction in Sagittarius (a link to my natal chart here if you’re an astrologer and interested:  astrology) my feelings are all over the place.  That is both where I am at home and where I shine.  I must be allowed to feel whatever I’m feeling without it being a huge fluffing deal, or I will suffer greatly in health.

They flow through me.  They come and go.  While they are there . . . I express them . . . when it’s time for them to leave, I let them go.  This is as natural to me as breathing . . . and yet on paper it looks like I’m a mental bi-polar case.  That’s not seeing me for who I am . . . that’s being afraid of who I am and trying to control it or change it.  Just because it makes others uncomfortable (especially Capricorn energy), doesn’t mean it’s bad or wrong or needs to be repressed or changed.  That’s a limited and narrow way of viewing life.

Mercury is the trickster.  Anyone with Gemini or Virgo energy has this kind of nature in them, and I’m sure struggle in a similar way as I do.  Mercury is the understanding that nothing is permanent, and also that nothing should be taken so seriously.  This is in direct conflict with Pluto/Scorpio/8th house, where everything is deadly serious.  Everything is dead still.  What something is for one moment, is that way F O R E V E R !!!!!!!!

Mercury is all . . . “No.”

Gemini is about laughing at ourselves and not taking ourselves so seriously.  It’s about seeing paradoxes and contradictions in all of life.  Libra focuses more on moderation and balance between duality . . . Gemini is able to fly through, around, and between them like a master gymnast and is very comfortable there.  Like kids.  Kids are very Gemini in nature . . . very curious, very in wonder and in awe of the simplest things around them because it’s all new.

Kids say the darndest things . . . because they’re said in innocence.  They aren’t in a dark serious adult mood . . . they’re just saying what they’re actually seeing or observing in the environment around them.  “Why? Why? Why? But how come?” is Gemini.  The only absolute in the world of Gemini is that there are no absolutes.  If you try to pin them to any one thing or say, “but you said this and now you said this”, you will get nowhere with them.  Their response is most likely to be, “but in that moment I was feeling this and in this moment I’m feeling this . . . they are two different situations.”

It’s about being in the moment and being flexible.  It’s a constant state of opening to receive the moment . . . experience that moment (observe, watch, learn all you can about it while it’s there) . . . and then releasing that moment because you need to be open to receive the next moment coming in.  It is entirely possible to live in this way . . . in a conscious way . . . and have everything work out like magic without worrying or forcing things to be a certain way.  But it makes those who aren’t comfortable with this way of living . . . very, very, nervous.  And their nervousness about the Gemini’s way of being . . . makes Gemini feel very nervous about themselves.

So for me, this is all about getting to my true feelings (Sagittarius moon) and sharing with others (Gemini Sun).  If I have any intent, it’s in others sharing their true feelings (or even trying it out for the first time) and also sharing it with others (or trying it out for the first time).  Not about judging or psychoanalyzing (Pluto in Libra . . . conjunct my descendant) or even trying to help others with their feelings.  The point is just to even be aware of our OWN feelings and getting comfortable in sharing them despite other’s judgment and projections and analyzing.

I’ve done those things to others in the past . . . why? Well, because others were always doing it to me when I was younger.  I was just trying to be silly, playful, mimicking Gemini . . . but holy hell were the things I did taken so seriously and taken so completely out of context.  What I did wasn’t seen in innocence, but always as if I were some guilty master mind manipulator.  So I thought everything was much more serious than it really was, and that my feelings weren’t as innocent as I really felt inside . . . and it led to me disconnecting from my true self.

Well I’m reconnecting.  I’m going to feel what I feel and I’m going to share what I feel, even though it goes against everything we’ve been led to believe as a culture and society.  Even if I’m the only one who believes in my innocence and my mental stability.  Even if I’m left alone in my open heart sharing (which does hurt my feelers, btw) because nobody else is brave enough to do the same.

I hate being left alone.  But at least when I’m being true to myself and being who I am in all of my mercurial, open-hearted, silly, paradoxical ways . . . I’m truly happy and joyful in life.  Which is a lot more than I can say for the majority of humanity.

Here’s the way to read my posts whenever you start taking what I’m saying WAY too Life/Death serious . . . pretend there is a little girl hiding in plain sight (such as behind a sheer curtain with her legs poking out) . . . with her hands covering her mouth trying to stifle her giggles because she thinks she’s being way more clever than she is, but is having fun regardless.

That’s all that needs to be understood about me . . . I’m a silly . . . mischievous . . . giggling little girl at heart.

What Scorpio thinks of Gemini's flexible reality.

What Scorpio thinks of Gemini’s flexible reality.

Goal: To Be Hilariously Confident.

I am currently in the middle of an astonishing realization.

I was contemplating the pieces and clues I’ve been picking up the last couple of weeks or so.  Everything seems to keep circling around my self confidence (or lack of).  Once upon a time I remember having LOADS of confidence, and now I have very little.  What happened?

Well. . . a lot.

But, what I have been trying to get at, is the mechanism that keeps this in place for me.  My blind spot.

The trick to seeing your own blind spot, is that you have to move out of your usual cyclical thinking.  You can’t keep going through the same line of reasoning, and expect that the 413th time you repeat it, that you’ll miraculously have a Eureka moment.  You have to throw yourself some curveballs in order to see things in a different light.

Not to mention, you have to listen to what you are really feeling about things inside.  This is WAY trickier than it seems.  There are the ways we have felt about things for years. . . or *thought* we felt or knew about things. . . and then buried underneath that is what we *really* feel or know about things, but for any number of reasons we weren’t able to deal with it at some point in time and covered it with something easier or safer to deal with.  That’s where we hide our blind spots.

One way to find these elusive little fuckers, is openness and brutal honesty with ourselves.  And here’s an example of what that might look like.

My lack of self confidence.  I don’t feel confident that I know anything of real value.  It shows up and sabotages any number of things in my day to day life.  Many times in conversations and meetings, I will want to share something I’m thinking or feeling. . . but then I look at the others in the room and how they seem to have no problem saying what they think . . . then I also think of alllll the other times I have spoken up and was dismissed, given funny looks, or just met with awkward silence.  And then I think, “Nah. . . I don’t know better than anyone else.”

I was recently given some excellent feedback in a review at work.  It was valuable because it was true, and it was awesome because it took guts to say.  I.totally.respect.that.  Basically summed up, it said that nobody believes what I say because I lack confidence.  I *do* know what I’m talking about, but if I’m not even confident in what I’m saying. . . how can I expect anyone else to be?

Yes, of course!  {Big sigh of relief.}  That felt very true to me, and so it actually felt really good to hear.

So, with that valuable piece of information, I have been sleuthing for the underpinning that holds that whole setup in me together.  I’ve been doing the whole cyclical thinking, which looks like this –>

I don’t feel confident, because I don’t feel like I know anything.  I don’t feel like I know anything of any value to others.  Whenever I do speak up, it’s quickly attacked or dismissed.  “Oh, no it’s not that because. . . blah de blah.”  or “We already thought of that and it’s not that.”  or “No, that’s not it.”  Sometimes it’s, “Where’s your proof?” or “That doesn’t make any sense.”  When I was younger, the feeling was often that I’m too young to know better or it came across condescending like, “Oh. . . isn’t that adorable. . . she thinks she knows something.”

The things I felt strongly about and would say or share with the people around me, never seemed to be taken seriously or given any real thought.  Whether it was friends, family, teachers, coworkers, managers, etc. it didn’t matter.  Anything and everything out of my mouth was immediately wrong, and then I was given a list of reasons why it was wrong.  I wasn’t asked why I thought what I did.  In fact, I didn’t feel like I was being seen at all.  I was just being talked at.  “Here’s why you’re wrong blah de blah . . . here’s why I’m right. . . blah de blah. . . I’m so much better and smarter than you blah de blah. . . you’re so young and naive. . . blah de blah.”

Well hell’s bells.  Of course I don’t feel confident in what I say.  Because all of those people spoke with such confidence, I believed them over myself.  Over time I learned to squelch what I felt and wanted to say. . . because I knew it would automatically be wrong.  I felt unseen and unsupported.  I felt alone.  I felt I held no value.  I felt I had nothing to offer others, that they didn’t already know themselves.

So I kept quiet for years and years.  I let my curiosity run amok.  I wanted to learn and understand everything. . . so that maybe one day I would have something of value to add.  I dug deep inside of me and started ripping up the upholstery and examining every square inch of it.  I wanted to know the whys, whats, whens, wheres, and whos of everything.  Why does this happen?  Why do people respond this way?  Why do I respond this way?  Why does that keep happening?  I was more interested and motivated in finding the actual truth, than I was in being right (because let’s face it, THAT’s never going to happen).  I was brutally honest with myself over and over.  I also found that I can lie to myself better than anyone I know in order to avoid something that hurts really, really bad.

But also, I learned that nothing feels better than uncovering that untruth and setting it free.

When I cleared most of the mud, crap, junk, tangles, encrypted spaces. . . what I found, is that underneath all of that. . . what had hurt me the most. . . was when I stopped believing myself.  I feel and know things within myself.  I feel it in my body.  But as soon as I speak it, and it is refuted. . . I believe what they say over what I feel.  I say to them. . “Oh okay.”, and in that seemingly insignificant moment, I have agreed with them. . . I sent myself the message (as well as the other person) that I don’t believe in what I feel to be true and is less important or valuable than what the other person says or feels.

What it feels like on the surface, is that others don’t support me and that others don’t believe me.  But in actuality it’s me that’s not supporting myself and believing in me.

The reason I don’t believe in myself is because I was never able to immediately explain WHY I felt or thought what I did. . . I didn’t know how to explain how I knew what I knew. . . and since others usually had convention or tradition on their side (we do things like this because A, B, and C) they already had a well thought out argument in place to support their side.

I didn’t understand that I was trying to express a new thought or idea, because to me. . . it isn’t new, it feels like something everyone knows.  And the thing with new thoughts or ways of thinking, is that they don’t have scripted arguments to immediately counter the usual mode of thought.  It’s easy to shut a person down if they think differently than the norm, because we’ve collectively had years and years to refine the logic and arguments of the current way of thinking and we rarely give people the chance to collect their thoughts or the time to actually hear them out.  It’s like living in a perpetual debate club.  “If you can’t tell me in 3 seconds why your new thought or way isn’t superior to the standard bullshit way that we’ve been thinking for years, then you’re wrong.  And I win.  Ha.Ha.”

Anyways. . . that’s not even the realization I’m wanting to share – that was just a satisfying rant. : )

It was also to give a peek into my own cyclical thinking that keeps me going in circles instead of getting to that blind spot in me that would allow me to change perspective and move forward.

So now, here’s an example of what finding a blind spot in yourself may look like.

I’ve gone the majority of my life, with an unspoken/unacknowledged feeling that I have no value.  That I don’t know anything.  That I’m always wrong.  That I have nothing to offer or bring to the table.  Because of this, I wasn’t able to understand my purpose in life.  I don’t know why I’m here or what I’m supposed to do or what I even want.  Nothing makes sense.  Everything is confusing.  On the rare moments that I had my confidence back, the world was bright and golden to me.  I was ALIVE!  I loved and I was open and I was so god.damn.happy.  And everything, absolutely everything makes sense to me and is so crystal clear.

So, why do I ruin all of that with a lack of confidence?  Because all I see when I look at all of the times I did speak up, are the times and individuals who spoke up with a false confidence.  I made those individuals, representatives of the whole.  They were the ones squawking the loudest, and nobody else ever spoke against them. . . and by default (in my mind). . . that meant they agreed with that one.  I’ve let all of that… define who I am.  I have let that have power over me.  I agreed and accepted what they decided about me.  Even if it was projection, bad assumptions, ignorance, arrogance… or just them having a rotten day.  I’ve let those moments and those individuals, paint my whole perception of who I am to the world.

It was so loud to my senses, and so hurtful inside. . . that I couldn’t see, hear or be aware of anything outside of it.

And it never, ever, occurred to me. . . that not everyone felt that way about me.  It didn’t occur to me, that in those same moments that one person was tearing me down. . . two or three others were silently cheering me on.  Because in those moments that I was being torn down, I was in such an emotional state and I would become so defensive (closed) that I wasn’t even capable of being aware of others.

I have felt so alone in my fight in my life.  It’s regularly felt like it’s me vs. everyone else, because typically the only people with balls to speak up with confidence about things, are the very ones who should probably keep their mouths shut.  And the ones who actually have something of value to say, are the ones who typically keep quiet.

So, step one for me, with this realization in hand. . . is to see my own value.  Not with false modesty, not with an inflated sense of self importance. . . but by opening up to myself and being as honest about my value as I have been about my faults.  I have valuable information.  I am capable of adding value to this world we’re in.  But nothing I have to say is going to add any value, if I am unable to properly value it myself.

Self confidence comes from self.  Not others.  And a few others, do not speak for the whole.  The biggest realization I had this morning, is that there are. . . and has been my whole life. . . a whole sea of people silently supporting me.  I just couldn’t hear them over my own fear and loudness of a few individuals.  And it’s THOSE silent supporters that I need to be aware and grateful for in my life.  I need to make THAT a bigger priority in my life, rather than giving more importance and attention to the haters of the world.

And I am so sorry for not having seen the silent supporters sooner.  I know what it’s like to be silently doing all kinds of awesome and never getting acknowledged because everyone’s more focused on the loudmouths of the group. . . and yet I’ve been doing it myself all along.  (<— bonus blind spot found –> level up )

I’m sorry for it, but at the same time. . . I’m cool with it.  It feels so GOOD to finally see it at all, that it’s super hard to be all *boo hoo* about it.  It’s actually kind of funny.

“Ohhhhh woe is me. . . I am so misunderstoo…. oh wait, what?  Oh… it’s me?  Oh.  HA!  I’m so hilarious.”

What hilariously confident looks like. As a cat.

The Story Teller

Today the crows came squawking at my window like an alarm clock.  I figured I’d better get up so they would be quiet, because that made complete sense in my half sleep state.

But it worked, the minute I slipped out of bed. . . off they went, to go wake up the next person on their list.

I’ve been thinking of my dad a lot recently.  We’ve not really been in contact a whole lot these last years.  I’ve been nose to the grindstone in pulling myself apart, cleaning off the pieces, and then carefully trying to reassemble them back into a whole. . . so I’ve not had a whole lot of contact with anyone really.

A couple of days ago, I was reminiscing about the cartoon characters my dad draws.  He has his very own unique style of drawing that I just adore.  They are almost like caricatures, in that they are so expressive of the character’s personality.  I miss those.  I loved them when I was younger, but I didn’t have enough life experience or understanding to truly appreciate them like I do now.  I didn’t understand how much they told about the man who drew them.

Yesterday, however, I was remembering my favorite thing of all about my dad.  See, he loves to read.  Not something you’d necessarily expect from a man born and raised in the humble Appalachians, but boy am I thankful he does because they led to the most memorable things from my childhood.

He would read books by authors such as Stephen King,Terry Brooks and Robert McCammon.  Usually a mix of mystery, paranormal, horror, and far off worlds.  But the best part, was when I’d ask him what the book was about that he was reading.  He didn’t just give me a two sentence summary, or read the book jacket. . . no.  I could rest assure that I was about to be propelled into another world entirely.

He would set the scene and the characters.  He would retell the story in a way that would give any of those authors a run for their money.  The world around us would dim and disappear, putting us into a magic bubble that would whisk us away to observe the story being told firsthand.  Between his ability to weave a good tale and my vivid imagination, I got to explore more rooms of the universe than is probably even fair.

His eyes would sparkle.  He seemed like a magical character himself, as if being the story teller was only a humble disguise he used to keep everyone from finding out who he really was.  And that he was really from one of those other worlds, but he couldn’t come out and say it because people here wouldn’t believe him, so he masked it in stories.  Or maybe he was in hiding from one of the dark characters in the story, and being in a world that had forgotten that magic was real, was the perfect place to hide.  It always felt like he knew so much more than he ever said.

He always made me think of the bards of old.  The genuine, skilled, talented, and oh so loved Story Teller.  He seems almost out of place in this world.  There are books, TV, movies, internet. . . more ways than ever to tell a story.  But.  When was the last time you sat down in person with a truly gifted story teller, and listened to them spin a tale?  Hearing the different intonations of their voice, and feeling the chills of the pivotal moments in the story.  Eyes glued to the person, but feeling like you are actually in the story with them.  Having a spell weaved around you, that will make you believe in the impossible and the unseen again.  You’ll know without a doubt that there is more than meets the eye in the world you live in.

A true Story Teller, speaks with their Heart.  Is full of Life and Passion.  They have Hope.  They still Believe.  They feel deeply.  They are dramatic and subtle all at the same time.  They don’t just tell a story, they embody it.  They draw your focus to the story and not them.  They are merely the messengers of something bigger that wants to be shared.  They have to feel in big and multi-faceted ways and be flexible enough to move into whichever one is needing expression at that moment in order to do the story any justice.  They have to get out of their own way.

Ironically, it was when my dad was telling these stories, that the real him would shine through the most.

My dad is also the one who first introduced me to computers back in the Tandy 1000 days, which plays a large part in why I’m in the field I’m in today.  I blame him for my love of Excel Spreadsheets.  ; )

But, nothing he did will ever mean more to me, or have played a bigger part in helping to shape the person I am today, than the time he spent in response to my question, “What is that book about?”

My dad

The Place of No Time and No Me

I started writing a reply to a comment. . . and it was quickly morphing into a full blown blog post. . . so I moved it here.

To catch you up to speed, here is the link to the comment from Ophelia (Myself).  The part in particular I was responding to was this:

i know when i relate to people, sometimes it sounds self-obsessed.  or so i’ve been told.  yeah, i kind of am.  i think it comes from feeling alone.  personally i love it when people tell me about themselves and i can say YES!!! ME TOO!!! so that’s where i’m coming from.  i’m just so pleased to find you.

The entire comment is great, so if you have a moment, it’s worth the read. (And unlike my novels, it’s relatively brief) : D

It pulled on a topic that’s been pacing in my head the last week or so, trying to gain an entrance (or exit. . . guess it depends on whose perception you are looking at) and this seemed to be it.

So here I. . . it (?) . . . goes.

If you haven’t noticed, there’s a couple of things I have a difficult time keeping straight/consistent in my writing.  (And if not, then I’ve just done a good job in curbing it and probably need to stop that to really let loose.)

1) Pronouns/1st person, 2nd person, & 3rd person.

2) Tenses – Past, Present, & Future

I was a self taught reader.  My mom said I somehow already knew how to read by age 4.  I always aced literature, spelling, English.  It was always 2nd nature to me.  But what I could *not* seem to ever get right in my writing, are those two things.

For me, this actually ties into the “self-obsessed” accusations I heard once upon a time.

When I’m writing or even communicating in general. . . there is *something* that is going on in me that I think may go beyond what the average person is experiencing in the same situation.  That may not be true, but I think I can at least safely say, I’m more aware of this *something* than most people.

I was seeing visualizations of it while driving in the sunshine this afternoon.  I saw communication in general, as a river flowing.  I was standing in the middle of it.  I cupped my hands and filled them with this water, and lifted the water out of the running river.  The water I held, represented an idea or thought.  Maybe a blog post.  It was a temporarily suspended snapshot of an understanding in that moment.  I could observe it, describe it. . . do anything I wanted with it. . . and for that moment. . . it was completely true.

As soon as that moment is gone, and the water has slipped back into the river. . . it’s gone and has changed and has new connections and layers added to it.  Words, communication, thoughts, ideas. . . have a life of their own.  They are fluid, ever moving, ever changing, dynamic.  As soon as someone has a great idea and publishes it or gets it printed. . . it’s already outdated in the ethers and long since moved on and morphed.

This river. . . connects and runs through everything.  It collects, retains, learns, and relays everything it has learned to everything else.  The wispy web threads I’ve spoken of before, are a part of this.

When I’m communicating, voicing my opinion, thinking, have a distant look in my eyes as I look off into space when I’m talking to you. . . that’s where I am.  I’m in that place where this river runs.

When I’m there, I’m not Jenn.  I’m not any one thing.  I’m not a nobody. . . I am a presence. . . but I have no. . . single identity that I would be able to give a name too.  (Oh the irony kills me. . . the river energy I am describing is Gemini. . . Gemini is the universe’s label maker. . . and yet when I’m connected into it. . . I lack a label.)

I’m also in a place of *no* time.  It just is.

So as I ride this literal etheric information super highway, I skip around from perceptions of I, She, Us, You.  It naturally and freely comes out depending on what thread I’m cruising down as I search or am pulled to the location that holds the information I am conveying or trying to explain.  Same thing with tenses.  Sometimes I’m in current time, sometimes I’m in what we would consider the past. . . and sometimes the future.

During all of this, I always have a thread or something that anchors me here and stays present and aware that I’m in this place and time. . . that I’m writing, that I’m a female.  But, that’s about all I’m aware of from *here*.  If I become TOO aware of who and where I am at present. . . the connection into the information weakens.  What this means, is that if I give in too much to being aware of what I’m saying and how I’m saying it so that it doesn’t offend someone. . . I am not able to stay connected into that space of no time and no me.  (Btw, this also accounts for 99% of my spelling/grammar errors which I am continuously having to edit the posts to fix.)

Some of the reason for that, is because I am actually trying to translate from “ether energy speak” to English.  If I start adding to it, “You know, if you keep speaking in this manner, people will take it as you lecturing them and stop listening.” it can start becoming the straw that broke the camel’s back.  I can’t do it.  It doesn’t feel good or right to do it.  It literally. . . messes with my flow.

So back to the comment regarding being self-obsessed.  I feel this is a matter of semantics.  I don’t even know if that’s a proper use of that word, but it’s what came in.

It only sounds like I’m self-obsessed.  All I’m really trying to do, is keep consistent so that I make some sort of linear sense to others and can communicate what I feel, know, see.  As I’ve said before. . . until my late twenties, I did not understand or comprehend that I was a separate individual from others.  I am perfectly at home with using the “royal we” perspective.  With switching between I, you, me, her, him, they. . .   Because I’m not attached to it.  It doesn’t mean to me what it means to people in general.  It’s not important to me really, at all.  But people in the past have thrown such a goddamn fit over it, that I’ve tried to understand and use it properly.

If I use *I* and *me* too much, I’m self obsessed.  If I use *you* too much, I’m supposedly telling others how they feel.  If I use *us* and *we* too much, I’m trying to be a guru or make people follow me.

It’s enough to make me want to start beating my head against the wall, because all of the focus is on something that is so. . . irrelevant in the big picture, that the actual message goes unheard.

The tenses (past, present, future), I’ve never really had anyone have an issue with it – I just understand that it can be hard to follow what someone is saying when they are leaping all over like they’re in a perpetual time machine while they talk.

People on the autism spectrum (always think of rainbows when I say that) have trouble communicating verbally.  They tend to think in pictures/images.  They can see straight into your soul, but don’t know how to socially interact with you without there being some level of awkwardness and discomfort.

But it’s not for the reasons people think.

How would a line, describe its world to a dot.

How would a square, describe its world to a line.

How would a cube, describe its world to a square.

How do you translate from one way of being to another, more limited. . . linear way of being?

How do you describe something that is new and more than the world everyone has previously known?  Where do you find the right vocabulary?  How do you even get someone to pay attention or realize that even though you may be using the same words as them. . . you are trying to convey a richer, bolder, expanded meaning. . . when those people are so sure they already *get* the meaning of the words you use.

 

When You Believe

I was procrastinating house work with facebook, and clicked on a blog post, A Daddy’s Letter to his Little Girl About Her Future Husband.  It is a beautiful post about how he wants his little girl to know, that contrary to trendy magazine articles, she does not need to do anything to “keep her man interested” except to be herself.  It felt really, really good to hear that coming from a father.

It tied in nicely with a pep talk a teacher was giving his student (who had a crush on him and he was letting her down gently) on a TV series I’ve had playing in the background.  He told her that when she found the right man, that he’ll love her exactly for who she is.  And that the weakness or faults that she doesn’t like about herself . . . are the very things that he’ll love most about her.

I need a moment.  I’m getting all verklempt.  {waving hands over teary-eyes and making the *I’m not going to cry* face}

It touches me deeply, because I have found that man for me.

But that’s not what this post is about.  : )

As I was feeling the warm fuzzies that were mating like bunnies inside my heart, I wasn’t ready to leave the comfort of the page, so I started scanning over the comments section.

The second comment down, I saw this:

I agree with most everything here, in theory, except for the religion – this is the basis for your values.

And then saw a reply to that comment:

My fiancee is atheist.

And then saw another reply from the person originally commenting:

You’re entitled to your opinion, Cliff, but don’t be ‘sorry’ for me.  I don’t apologize for my belief, and I don’t agree with yours.

And then something started buzzing in me (almost literally).  I suddenly had *something* to say to these strangers.  It’s been a really, really, really long time since I’ve felt this.  I know I voice my opinion often, and I respond to friends, and blogs. . . but I mean this in a different way.

Typically, when it’s something to do with people’s belief systems, etc. my mind kind of goes into this “everyone believes what they believe and that’s their right.  Who am I to say what is right or wrong for anyone else.  And who gives two cents about what I believe, people aren’t really listening anyways.  Ergo, I have no interest in responding.”

I guess it’s been something along the lines of apathy.  It’s a very, very dull place to be.  Especially for a Fire person like me, who needs to feel inspired and needs to believe strongly in something.

So this *bzzz* *bzzz* *bzzz* started going off in me, and I had hit the reply button and started typing before my conscious mind was able to catch up to what was going on.  And as I was typing the response, I felt REALLY good.  I felt clear, calm, peaceful, loving, caring, knowing.  This was nothing to do with me, this was to do with a message wanting to come through and I was being buzzed requested to convey it.

I have no idea who or what I was responding to.  I was not feeling anything personal towards the people or comments that had brought on this response.  It actually seemed more like the series of word combinations I saw in the comments, acted as a password to unencrypt information that was ready to be released.  I just went with it.  It felt completely natural to me, and it felt really, really good.  It felt like I was rejoining life as a participant for the first time in a long time.

Apathy be damned.

As I was finishing it and about to hit reply, I wanted nothing more than to share with you guys my moment.  My moment of “I’m starting to care again about something going on in the outside world enough to participate”.  It’s of the same nature of feeling that I was describing in my post, The Song Whisperer.  A feeling that has slowly but surely been building and coming back in bleeps and bloops that I recall having as a kid.  It keeps surfacing more and more and staying around for longer periods of time.  I think if I now had to give a name to it, it would be “I believe again.”

I am starting to believe and feel the wonder of a child again.  The one that remembers magic.  And that unicorns are real, but you just can’t see them here.  And that really, I’m a princess in disguise.  And makes cushion forts and giggles herself silly (and unknowingly giving away her position) when someone says, “Where did Jenn go?”

Oh wait.  But I’m a grown up now. . .    : /

So I need to revise the princess part.  That’s for kids.  I’m a Queen in disguise.

The rest still stands.

= D

So without further ado (and elaborate procrastination scheme to keep me from having to do housework), here was my moment and reply to the comments.

I think the point being made in this article is what a person’s values truly are underneath. . . and not the title or label each individual chooses to give their set of values.  What one individual calls “being a good Christian” another person calls being “Atheist”.  We are all prone to our own individual perceptions and filters, and must understand that what one name means to me, means something else to others.  You must look below the surface of what someone says, in order to understand what they are truly trying to communicate.  Telling me you are Christian, tells me absolutely nothing about you.  But, tell me what truly lies in your heart, and then I will know who you are.

Many of life’s disappointments come from assumptions, misunderstandings, and miscommunication.  Often, because people are not truly listening to what others are trying to say or express.  If I were to say I’m an atheist, people may assume many things of me.  If they never ask me what that means to me, they will never actually hear or see the *me* that is in my heart.  If they were open-hearted, and were interested in me as a person, then they would hold the space, without judgment, to ask me what that means to me.  And they would maybe come to find out, that what I believe . . . is very much in line with what Jesus was truly trying to teach.  And that truly in heart, I’m a Christian, but I do not see myself or label myself in that way.

The reason it was said to not judge, lest you be judged yourself . . . is because you are showing what is truly in your heart when you do this.  If you are judging an atheist because of the assumptions of the name alone, and not who the person really is, you are showing to everyone around you, that your own heart is closed. . . and you will be judged by others based on that.  You may scream that you are being persecuted because you are Christian, but no.  You are being treated how you treat others.  And you treat others, how you inwardly. . . secretly. . . treat yourself.

You cannot be loving, open, and understanding if you are not able to be loving, open, and understanding with yourself.  You reap, what you sow.

Elf Hunting

Greatest.Mother’s Day.Gift.Ever.

I’m currently in the middle of a heart swelling, this is what makes it all worth it, moment.  My son, who will be 18 this year, has just totally blown my mind.  He has had a rough last couple of weeks, stuff just blowing up around him with his friends and his girlfriend.  But watching how he has been dealing with it, has been nothing less than beautiful.  That’s not to mean that he didn’t have emotional blow ups with them, or that he hasn’t gone through a good case of the grumps.  But the overall process and grace of how he has consciously chosen to deal with it. . . is breathtaking to behold.

He didn’t harden up, he didn’t shut himself down, he didn’t close his mind and his heart even though that would have been much more preferable than dealing with the extremely uncomfortable feelings all of this was having on him.  I’m sure he had moments where he *did* do those things. . . but one of the amazing things is that he didn’t stay in those places.

He took a very real, honest look at the situations that were happening around him, including his part in them.  He humbled himself.  I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a teenage boy genuinely humble himself, but it’s nothing less than shocking and heart swelling.

Yesterday, being Mother’s Day, he was making a huge attempt to be thoughtful of me.  I loved his effort.  This, on top of what he has been dealing with in his own life personally.  So during a conversation, he kind of snapped back at me – and in a way that made me raise an eyebrow, shut up, and decide that I needed a few moments to calm down before I attempted to communicate anything else.

Normally, this is where he shuts down and goes into his room.  But, he was summoning strength from somewhere deep in himself to not respond in this way.  After a few moments he said he was sorry and then started explaining the incredibly mature insights he had started to see and understand from some self reflection in regards to his recent experiences.

He recognized that he had trouble communicating with others, and how not communicating with people is what makes him feel isolated and alone in things.  “Apparently, communicating is important.”  : D  He said that he is consciously trying to communicate out to others what he is experiencing, but that it’s really tough for him because he has difficulty communicating and it can be misunderstood.  I told him that if the person he was talking to, was worth anything, just by him being open and expressing that he’s in the process of learning how to communicate more effectively, that more than likely they’ll have patience and hold the space for him to do so.   He was also aware that he may start to forget this valuable lesson, but that life always has a way of bringing it back around to remind you, and that he will be patient with himself in this process.

I’m paraphrasing what was said, and the conversation went much deeper, and was just something else to behold.  When did my boy go and grow up on me?

This morning as I was driving to school, he was keeping true to his commitment to keep communicating and not shut people out.  He kept his ipod off, and he continued saying the things on his mind, and allowing me to do the same.  Learning how to listen, and to communicate.  Wow.  I had so much mommy love welling up in me, that I hardly knew what to do with myself.

And just when I thought he couldn’t surprise me anymore than he already had, he said something that really hit home for me.  He said that he had been trying to think of what to do for Mother’s Day, and wasn’t really coming up with anything. . . so he decided that the best thing he knew to do, was to become a better Bjorn.

O.O

Oh my god.  It all hit me at once, his genuineness, his humbling experience, his seeing to the center and truth of where many of his problems stem from and then consciously choosing a new way… a brave way… and acting on it… was his Mother’s Day gift to me.

What in the hell did I do to deserve such an amazing, mind blowing, loving, thoughtful, kind son? (Insert insane bawling here)  I am so grateful, and so appreciative for what I received.  I told him, that it was the most thoughtful Mother’s Day gift in all of humanity.  (I know that doesn’t necessarily make sense, but it’s what came out.)

The maturity, the grace, the love, the courage & bravery, thoughtfulness, wisdom, and just outright beauty of the gift that he gave me is beyond words and feelings.  If ever anyone exemplified what it meant to show who they really are inside, it was in this gift that my son gave to me.

Thank you, my dear son, for the best present you could have ever given me.  I couldn’t be prouder of you and what you’re doing for yourself and in turn for everyone else in your life.  I am proud and honored to be your mom.